#i think its because i got someone on discord to scream about it with now

[the-dragon-girl-27]

One more Milgram shitpost thats right two in one day loosers, I have no idea how I got this idea but it wouldn't leave my brain until I drew it.

#milgram #milgram project #es milgram #jackalope milgram #meme art #i've been a casual fan of milgram for maybe a year almost but recently i've really fallen down the rabbit hole #pun not intended #i think its because i got someone on discord to scream about it with now #you know who you are #dragon draws creatures

[elibeeline]

Each system is different and we are still valid even if we are not exactly the same as our friend systems

#they seem to switch so easily and they all seems so comfortable with talking in front #or at least talking in discord because i know its different #whereas for us only like three others feel comfortable with that #and i worry it makes us come across as like a 'fake system' (more on that in a sec) #because we dont visibly switch on discord and through pluralkit #but they cant expect bunny (who's like three at the oldest) to be able to type a coherent conversation #and either remember to tag each message or set pluralkit to just attach each message #and the same for ian or frankie who are both gonna be too angry/frustrated to remember something like that #and wolfy speaks in growls and System just doesn't speak unless absolutely necessary #(sys has only fronted once since sys appeared) #and tommy and jon only tend to front in circumstances where texting would take a lot of effort #now to expand on fake systems #there is far more information on what makes a 'fake' system than there is on 'real' systems #namely that a fake system is one that has no trauma. but who is anyone to say that someone else doesn't have trauma #the system itself might not even know its trauma because half the point of a system is to hide the trauma from the host #but all these posts screaming about those systems feels very invalidating to those of us who dont remember the trauma #i know *of* the trauma. but i dont remember it #i dont think its got much of a welcome online presence

[socksandbuttons]

Swap AU Stuff

Alright let's jsut try getting down basics maybe

Also this maybe long actually.

The obvious Swaps Lunar and Eclipse: Basically how we meet them in episode. I legit went along with thinking this Eclipse wasn't memory wiped the whole time so thats kinda- in the air a bit. But Lunar being the original body (I have a post showing how Eclipse looked then), Eclipse with the one he made (to be taller. He can't stand being small... Well shorter than anyone really. A shame he has Bloodmoon towering over him.) The Glamrocks: They are as Swapped so Chica is Freddy, Freddy is Roxy, Roxy is Monty and Monty is Chica (I love them immediately after giving them luscious hair im sorry). Rox and Sun are friends and he's quite protective of Sun, also a cowboy cause swap au/Foxy etc. Digi in the discord came up with this and i died cause it was so good actually. Eclipse and Lunar still go thru the whole October Arc with Moon and Sun. Moon being far more quiet but aggressive. Made Sun to hinder Eclipse. Let me paste my lil paragraph i had in discord

"Sun likely has more denial about moons treatment of him, however like lunar he does start questioning if its good for moon to get the star (like sort of getting the Moon Wont Stop so i need to do something he might hurt himself etc) plus lunar and eclipses treatment of sun would be a huge factor too, eclipse obviously is terrible at communcating and while he's a bit of a jerk, realizing sun might be in danger or hurt is something he might catch on faster. maybe. im thinking anyway sun catches attachment to both that outweighs his denial of moon being terrible actually. he's still grasping at things even well after. doesnt realize he gets awful panic attacks until someone points it out actually. and then i lost my train of thought but moon still loved sun just���. very clearly was not the forefront of his goals tho. feels very betrayed by sun after and likely wont fogrive sun. vs sun whos too willing to forgive despite his anxiety screaming at him NOT TO. i just wanna show a different thing to this cause lunar recognized halfway into october and let moon handle the rest and recognizes that eclipse was hurting him much sooner than sun wouldve (see the… current sun. og sun recognizes now but it truly took him a WHILE, communication Real now.)" Anyway, Sun does end up getting adopted by both Eclipse and Lunar. He's never gonna be taller than Eclipse. But as mentioned he's got a lot of things to work through about Moon (Roxy will kick so much ass for him.) Generally trying to grasp that yeah no it was pretty fucked up of Moon to do anything to Sun. Now the timeline gets a lil weird beyond this because like KC would've also been in this plot. KC unlike our Bloodmoon, is actually far smarter (Im sorry to bm fans), he DOES work with Sun but generally more for his benefit of getting rid of Moon. He doesn't really need to be bribed for this actually. Imagine KC being so pissed about Moon showing up in his systems and hes LIKE WTF MAN. Zappity Zap Zap Double Dee Moon Anyway Cue Bloodmoon arriving. And like bloodmoon does- He does technically hold Eclipse hostage but gets bored. So there is mild agreement. Bloodmoon does what KC did and FORCED themself out (like our OG boy!). They're uh... theyre not very keen on sticking around a daycare as fun as itd be to tear it up. They like lightly bully Sun but Roxy to the rescueee. Anyway, 'Does KC die in this au?' No he doesnt. He gets CLOSE to it but Bloodmoon just goes 'Hmn. nah son you're coming with me'. Lunar still feels incredibly bad about it though. Space arriving sooner actually more or less helps like avoid some certain issues here and there. Unlike Earth where she arrives much later (due to be literally distracted.) Space goes directly to the daycare. Thus kinda- changing some bits. He does meet Bloodmoon, hates him though. 'Why aren't you thinking this through' 'We wanna see how much they scream' 'You'll be electrocuting yourself before you get the chance' '...That means Eclipse gets electrocuted?' 'Put down. the fork.' KC handles Bloodmoon with much exasperation. Bloodmoon picked up this sucker and went 'our Spawn'. Baffles KC. Space ends up meeting Crater, Moon got annoyed with Space's presence being literally really hard to work around. Sends Crater, Crater and Space get along well enough that it wasn't Moon intention but this works too. Space (theres irony here) gets concerned with Crater and her not viewing herself with autonomy. She is still just a 'basic AI' as she puts it. Does what she's told. Bloodmoon doesn't really use her just kinda shoo's her off to Space or Eclipse. 'No you're no fun-' 'I have told to monitor you' 'WE DIDNT ASK MOON FOR A BABYSITTER' 'I am programmed to defend' 'We dont need defending either' 'You are still vunerable' '...Go away' 'Affirmative. Destination please?' 'DAYCARE'

Anyway How do i sum this up. Roxy and Sun are besties Lunar and Sun vibe. Eclipse is soft with Sun.

Bloodmoon has claimed ONE child. Doesn't really claim Moon but thats a later thing. Moon and KC despise one another.

KC didn't really want this fatherly figure but he begrudgingly accept them. Funny things happen with these three. Bloodmoon doesn't become pacifist, just more or less moves away dragging KC with them. A little bitter at Lunar's murder attempt but its fine. No one died there but heavily maimed.

Eclipse and Moon still ultimately hate one another. There is a Swap version of Solar thats Moon and- we'll get confused so just know its out there. Space and Crater are good friends and partly why both end up questioning their existence but both support pillars to one another that it just kinda isn't as devastating. Unless someone dies. Crater does end up having her own personhood, Moon does get attached to her even if he doesnt admit it. Space doesn't question creator enough but Crater does and vice versa. Bloodmoon(s) does have a name but ill reveal that later??? idk

#sun and moon show #tsams au #sams swap au #myart #swap crater #swap space #sams sun #sams lunar #sams eclipse #sams moon #swap roxy

[rivianaaa]

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARUNO SAKURA!!!!!

(The internet in the province is so shitty and I just came home and god, it's like I failed my duty as a hardcore fan of Sakura on not greeting her 😭)

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

MY GIRL IS SO LOOKING PRETTY!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 (Yes I've been eating up those videos on tiktok, what can I say? its my drug)

MY BEAUTIFUL GIRL ON HER ELEMENT!!!!

(Credits to the owners of this fantastic artwork)

Okay, I've got goods. I wanna recommend on how badass she is and everyone should read it. Since you know I'm a whore of KakaSaku, be ready that I'll recommend fics with this pairing.

The Sixth Shadow Created by @thinknicht | ao3 ⇀ Holy fuck, this is my shit. My drug that keeps me alive. Sakura on this fic is so badass. Aside from the freaki-delicious KakaSaku moments, the most favorite thing I like the most on this fic are: ❀ the medical aspect ❀ the political settings in Konoha ❀ the fight scenes ❀ the unreliable narrator tag (please be aware on this tag) ❀ Sakura's compassion (this woman is a mother!!!!!!! someone should put a statue of her at the center of Konoha!) ❀ Sakura's emotional conflict towards Kakashi. (It's not pining. This is the most important point.) I have no words—this fic is so *slowly ascends* Silver Lining Created by @thinknicht | ao3 ⇀ This fic has made me think everything. Like I've daydreamed so much. I thought the Fourth Shinobi War, Kaguya, Naruto and Sasuke, that weirdass cocoon, and also Kakashi and Sakura. Thinkie is truly an enigma, fucking hell, her brain is so good.

The Healing Slugs Sage Created by @justabrazilianwriter | ao3 ⇀ Dimension travel. This is it. AHHHHH!! Do you know how happy I am like *punching in the air* and its' KAKASAKU???? Obito throws Sakura in a different dimension where medical knowledge is so stunted due to the absence of Tsunade's existence. I know Obito cares about Sakura, but I can't help to thank the man of being a matchmaker HAHAHA!

The Idol Created by sassafrassing | ao3 ⇀ Do you know how many times I read this???? Do you how many times I type this title in the search box whenever I open my chrome??? This fic is so glorious. Two broken souls were ready to end their lives, but fate strings them together that blooms for a second chance. Holy shit, I love the scene where Sakura caress Kakashi's hair as he laid down on her lap. AHHHHH!!! I whisper scream when Kakashi decide to go back at the field to save his team and like—AHHHHH!!!

A Four Week Class in Flirting, Seduction, and Bagel Making Created by @goldfishlover73 | ao3 ⇀ Talking about tension and baking, what a dangerous combination lmaooo! I smiled so stupidly when Kakashi watch Sakura as if there is no people in the room—and oh fucking god, the frencchhhhhh!!!

The Fall Created by BelleDayNight | ao3 ⇀ I would like to thank the discord server scarecrows and cherryblossoms for this theme. This fic is so chef's kiss. Fallen angel Kakashi??? And the Dark Kakashi tag???? Perfection 👌

This beautiful AU and Run with the Hares (Hunt with the Hounds) of @brighteuphony ⇀ Let's start with the former which it held my love (because Sakura's hair is so fluffyyyyyy!!!!!!! and she's so badass holy fuck) and Im so hyped on the latter tbh! It only has 1 chapter, but I held my sanity so tight on not to read it for now.

That's all for now. There are lots lots of KakaSaku fics, but these fics has grab me by the throat and read it.

Anyways, happy birthday Haruno Sakura! 💖💖💖🌸🌸🌸🌸

#kakasaku #sakura haruno #HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FAVORITE GIRLLLLL SAKURA HARUNO #kakasaku fic recs

[sw33t-d1vine]

I LOVE YOU SO.

W. AFTON x GN!READER

— cw : angst… hanahaki disease, its angst sorry LOL , no comfort , sorry not sorry , TAKES PLACE IN HIGHSCHOOL , clara mentioned

— word count , 683

— a/n : hey guys this is an early valentines day post ^_^ maybe i’ll do a second part if i feel like it but enjoy this ;3 .

・Enjoy what you read ? come join my discord server to see sneak peaks and chat with me and other friends ! Link in my pinned post :)

— William Afton didn’t love you.

William Afton loved someone else.

You were only his friend. Thats what he saw you as, just a friend.

He liked a girl, Clara. You didn’t blame him for falling for her, she was gorgeous. She was like an angel who fell from heaven, blonde, curly hair and these pretty green eyes.

You, you were nothing compared to her. You knew you weren’t ugly, but, compared to her? Gosh, next to her you looked like a homeless.

You wished William looked at you like how he looked at her.

Valentines was coming up, the one time a year where you can ask your crush out, or do something sweet for your partner and buy them gifts, bring them out to dinner and share a moment between each other.

You wanted to ask William out, feeling quite bold today. You wrote a letter to give to him, the paper nicely folded and tucked into an envelope that you held.

You round the corner, heart thumping against your chest as your thoughts run crazy through your head. Maybe you did have a chance with him. Maybe, if you got to him before he got to Clara, you could ask him out on a date. Your chances were low, but you still wanted to try and at least let him know how you felt.

As you fiddle with the envelope in your hand, you look up, stopping in your track. There stood, William Afton and Clara, sharing a kiss. She held what seemed to be roses, and a stuffed animal. Just peeking out of the bouquet was an envelope, with “To Clara” written on it.

Fuck.

He got to her before you could make it.

You turn, leaving before the two could see you and heading out of the building. Your chest felt tight, an ache at your heart. You should’ve known he wouldn’t even dare think of you like that, not when his eyes were focused only on the girl he liked. You shouldn’t be acting like this, it was obvious this would happen, and yet, you wanted to scream and cry.

You grasped at your shirt, tugging at it as you breathed heavily. It felt like something was stuck in your throat, chest burning. It really felt like your heart just cracked.

And right then and there, you choked and gasped, hunching over and coughing. Whatever you felt in your throat, it went away. You blinked your eyes, looking down at the ground.

Pedals and blood right in front of you. You squeezed your shirt tighter, knowing what was happening.

This wasn’t new. Well, to you it was, but for other millions of people, it wasn’t.

Hanahaki was an illness anyone could get, caused by heartbreak. You felt it coming, you knew it’d happen.. and now the only way to get rid of it is to either have surgery, or for William to actually love you back.

But, surgery would mean your love for William would be gone. You wouldn’t feel for him anymore. You didn’t want that. You couldn’t do that.

You close your eyes and suck in a breath. You weren’t sure what to do. You could hide this sickness and carry on with your life, die by this illness. Or, you could do something about it and get rid of it.

It was a hard choice. You didn’t want your feelings for William to go, but you didn’t want to die early because of a sickness from heartbreak.

Eventually, you decided that maybe you should do nothing. Hide this sickness from anyone and carry on as Williams friend. Watch him by the sidelines as he gave his attention to Clara. Watch as he gave her everything, and gave you nothing. If it made him happy, then you won’t ruin it. You couldn’t ever do that.

You coughed again, red pedals falling from your mouth and onto the ground. You wipe your lips stained with blood, looking down at the envelope in hand.

No point in giving this to him now.

William Afton would never love you.

#william afton #fnaf #springtrap #five nights at freddys #fnaf william afton #william afton x reader #william afton x you #springtrap x reader #five nights at freddy's #— W. Afton ✮⋆˙ #Spotify

[lady-of-the-spirit]

☔ (for wip ask game)

☔Is there a fic concept you have that you'd like to just explain and share because you're not sure you'll ever write it? If so, what is it?

I have Several fics I'm not sure I'll ever write on rotation in my mind. But there's this Doctor Who fic idea I've had for ages now. And the premise is essentially that NONE of the Doctor's modern companions are human. or at least not like, human in the way the Doctor thinks they are. And the Doctor never realizes it until the companion actually tells them or they find out through other circumstances. (rest under the cut because I got very ranty.)

For instance, Rose is (obviously) a werewolf. She gets the werewolf gene from her dad, who was also a werewolf. She's had it drilled into her head by Jackie (understandably protective of her daughter) that she can't tell people, so she doesn't tell the Doctor. Rose starts to figure out how the werewolf and full moon thing works when she's in space and once she's got it all worked out, she figures out how to keep track of the days and keep herself hidden in the TARDIS or at home until it's over. The Bad Wolf symbols have even more meaning to her. Until, of course, the Tooth and Claw episode, where things go a little better because the werewolf alien has a real life werewolf to play with/fight.

Martha is an actual star - a star that fell to earth and gained human form, like in Stardust. She finds herself with a family on earth and since she has no idea how to get back to the sky, she's content - sort of - with making a life on earth. But there's still that yearning for home, for her sisters in the sky. When the Doctor - and she's heard his name, heard his song in the universe since time began - offers to take her through time and space, she agrees, figuring this will be the closest she can get to returning home. everything goes as normal, the Doctor doesn't know, until episode 42 - when she can hear the screams of her sister star, can speak to the host inside the human bodies without burning, and figures out what's happening much sooner than the Doctor does.

Donna was a normal human - in Ancient Britain, before the Romans invaded. At some point, she was in an accident - she got killed. And then came back to life, no longer able to age or die. Since then, well, her life's been a long, long series of events. A few generations ago, she had a son, who gave her a grandson she adores, who had a daughter, and no matter how critical her great-granddaughter is, she loves Sylvia as much as she loves Wilf, and she's willing to put on a charade of the annoying daughter to stick around them for a while longer. Of course she's heard of the Doctor, although she's never met him her other immortal friends have, but becoming besties with him and traveling to the stars was not expected. But traveling to the stars - she's felt like she's seen it all, but there's suddenly more to see? Sign her up! The Doctor thinks she's just weirdly passionate about obscure historical details and a little spacey on modern things, and things don't get revealed until the metacrisis - when instead of her brain exploding, it heals on its own, though it does take a little more time than normal because it's such a weird situation for her human body. The Doctor is freaking the fuck out the whole time.

Companions past 10's are when it gets a little more vague because I know less about it. Someone in the Donna/Doctor discord suggested Amy's a fae - the importance of names and all of that - and I like the idea. Rory is another immortal like Donna, although a little more timey-wimey. He gets killed like in canon, on his adventures with Amy and the Doctor. But he gets thrown into the vortex back to Roman times, and wakes up to find himself immortal. From there he's following mostly canon events, with some tweaks. He definitely meets Donna, and they're immortal besties. I don' t know at all about Clara or Bill, or 13's companions.

So yeah as you can see from the above 4 whole paragraphs of text I've thought about this plenty. I don't know what'll ever happen to it. But it's on my mind.

wip ask game!

#ask #cloudydaffodil

[lemonsbakery]

Massive inf au appreciation post, this thing is..rllyy long..

The infected au was made on 2/2/22, today is 2/2/23. The au is officially 1 year old!! :D

The au has come a long way and I am so happy I was able to see it grow to be what it has become today, from the beginning to now. This post is basically how the au came to be, the way it affected me as a person, and more extra stuff!!

Also heads up! Nearing the end of this paragraph there is a bloody eclair edit! Beware!

HISTORY

THE AU & ME

The infected au was formed by a lot of people! Me and a bunch of my other friends (Norman, Roffy, Shun, Klee, Mags, and Trophy) were in a GC that was initially made to raid a server with this one weirdo guy but we don't talk abt him erm, anyways!! The idea to make an au came from Norman. He sent an eclair sprite edit with the text "I might make this an AU if I really wanted 😦" the sprite edit was eclair but really injured and. miserable. We decided to make a server and began brainstorming in there!

Now you might be wondering (no you arent) how did all the creators meet? Did you know each other from another server??

We all indeed meet from another server, we all actually met from a now-deleted cookie run rp server! Ironically enough Norman was the first person I rped with LFAMSSOA anwayys coughs so much erm. yeah!! I have this really vivid memory where Roffy, Norman, Klee, and LEMON (me!!) were doing a Mandela catalog cookie run rp, Roffy was Almond (he got his SHIT ROCKED BTW OH MY LORD), Norman was Madeleine and Eclair, I was my oc, CC, and Klee was her oc, Max! I think that was the moment when we all started getting comfortable with each other.

oh my god, this server has changed me so much as a person and has helped me develop into the me I am today. That place was and still is my safe place. I feel so comfortable in there and the community is so accepting and silly, we're all just like a little happy family. I remember when I was going through a really awful time in my life and I opened up abt it in the server. The community helped me get out of that god forbid situation without making me seem like a fool, they helped me realize that it's OKAY to be going through something heart-wrenching and that people care about me. I remember when I wasn't really a good roleplayer in that server. Every one of my rps would seem so rushed and panicked, but nobody ever made fun of me. They let me go at my own pace, and they made me feel like I belonged. Slowly and steadily I got better at it, I started doing paragraph rps and started researching stuff about writing and reading more, I learned how to expand on my interests and how to get better at what I love all because of that silly cookie run rp server. I wouldn't even BE here without that server, I wouldn't have gotten Tumblr, I wouldn't have even gotten that into cookie run without that server, and I wouldn't be able to make the things I make today without that server. It's so hard to explain just how much this au means to me, this place is like a second home to me. I can be myself there without anyone screaming at me, I can write in whatever way I want without someone telling me I'm writing too much or too less, I can draw anything my heart desires without someone telling me my art is awful or overboard. There's no such thing as 'cringe' or 'stupid' in the infected au, be anyone you want and this place will love you just as much as everyone else! Its literally the most accepting discord server I've ever had the pleasure of building and being apart of. The infected au caused me and so many people to become closer. Roffy is literally like a little sibling to me, Norman is literally my platonic lover, and Klee and Mags are my children apparently, I love them all with every fiber of my being.(/P) I'm so happy we all got to create so many memories in the AU and I hope we all will continue to do so for much, much longer. Today was the day my life started getting better, today is literally like a worldwide holiday to me, today is a day I hope never is forgotten by anyone in the infected au including myself. Im running out of things to write but you get the point.

Happy 1st anniversary infected au!! KILL OFF ALL YOUR CHARACTERS NOWWWWW/J /POS

PICTURES!!

Norman suggesting that we make an au out of an eclair sprite

Half infecteds become real

first few messages in the server

first picture sent to the server

first rp in the server

emo (literally) almond comes 2 life😈😈

uhh yeah thats basically it. The server has come so far and im so proud of it and all of its members. ILYSM INFECTED AU!!

#lem rambles #cookie run infected au #happy 1st anniversary infected au!! <3 #IM SO HAYPPYPYY #tw blood

[0-ya-su-mi]

the yellings of a trans boy:

a vent poem made from a discord rant

I HATE THIS GODDAMNED BODY

IT HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH

AND MY PHYSICAL EXISTENCE CAUSES ME SUFFERING

where existence is suffering 

and it feels like my entire life would be fixed 

if someone chopped off my tits

it probably wouldn’t, but it definitely would help

I HATE MY BODY 

I HATE IT SO MUCH

I HATE HOW I’M SO STUPIDLY PRETTY, 

AND I HATE MY RATHER NICE HOURGLASS FIGURE, 

AND THAT FACT THAT I SOMEHOW AM 

A SKINNY ATTRACTIVE GIRL

I JUST WISH 

ONE OF THOSE BODY SWAP SCENARIOS 

WOULD HAPPEN WITH ME 

AND A TRANS GIRL

SO THEN WE BOTH COULD BE HAPPY 

I HATE ALL THE COMPLEMENTS 

I GET FROM FAMILY

THEY ALWAYS SAY I’M SOOO PRETTY

AND THAT MY SKIN IS SO GOOD

THAT I LOOK SO FUCKING GOOD 

WITH LONG HAIR AND THAT 

ITS A MOTHERFUCKING SHAME 

I WANT TO CUT IT ALL OFF

AND I DONT KNOW IF IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL SOMETHING

OR IF IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF

AND, HONESTLY? 

I’M NOT SUPER SURE ABOUT ANYTHING. 

LIKE. 

AT ALL

I’M PROBABLY A BOY

I’M CLOSE ENOUGH TO A BOY

BUT NO MATTER WHAT, 

I’M THE FURTHEST FUCKING THING 

FROM A GIRL

AND EVERY TIME I GET CALLED 

BY MY OLD NAME 

OR GET CALLED 

A DAUGHTER, 

IT MAKES ME WANT 

TO FUCKING SCREAM

DONT FUCKING PUT ME 

IN A PRINCESS DRESS, BECAUSE 

THAT ACTIVELY MAKES ME WANT 

TO THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF

SOME DAYS, I’M JUST FINE. 

I CAN SUCK IT UP

BUT SOMETIMES?! 

ITS LIKE A RING OF SELF HATRED 

AROUND MY GODDAMN THROAT

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY THINK 

EVERYTHING WOULD 

BE SO MUCH EASIER 

IF I WAS JUST A BOY

ok. i’m done now

i got it all out of my system

#not a rb #vent #vent post #free to reblog #vent poem #vent poetry #poem #gender dysphoria #ftm trans #transgender

[duhragonball]

#10?

10. The Dragon Ball series isn’t exactly known for being consistent with its story, its characters, and various other things. Which inconsistency irritates you the most?

I suppose GT is the one that I keep coming back to. I'm thinking about doing a liveblog of GT and Super next year, and I keep wondering how I'm going to cover GT Episode 1 without going into a long, long rant about all the plotholes involved with the Black Star Dragon Balls. The idea of defective Dragon Balls might have some merit, but what drives me nuts is how those things have supposedly just lain around for years without anyone ever mentioning them. The people who should know about them seem unaware, and the people who do know about them shouldn't be aware of them at all. But that's a discussion for another time.

Turning to Dragon Ball Super, it irks me how casually they keep abusing the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, despite the whole gimmick of a person only being able to spend no more than two years inside the thing. I assume that someone decided the rule no longer matters because of how Buu discovered you can escape through the power of screaming, but the bigger problem is that characters will spend years training in there and never seem to get much out of it. Like, the big development in the DBS manga is that Frieza recently spent a whole decade training in a HTC-like environment, so now he's presumably ultra-mega-super strong. And that's fine, that's how Dragon Ball works. But sooner or later the next bad guy will show up, and the next power-up will come along, and it'll make Black Frieza seem like a minor upgrade from Golden Frieza. And that's fine too, except it'll look really stupid that Frieza spent ten years of his life working for such small gains.

Other than that... one thing that really grinds my gears is the way fans refuse to accept that the original Dragon Ball and Z aren't all that inconsistent. A story like this is never going to be airtight, but a lot of the supposed inconsistencies are due to filler scenes produced by people who didn't know how the story was going to play out, or fan misinterpretations.

For example, I remember being on this discord server a couple of years ago, and someone was running down all these plot holes in the Cell Saga. I went through each one, explaining how they were actually pretty easy to rationalize. Why didn't Trunks kill 18 instead of fighting Semiperfect Cell? Because as much as Trunks hates the androids, he's a good man who couldn't bring himself to kill a defenseless person. Why didn't 18 blow herself up when she had the chance? Because... she didn't want to die? Why didn't Goku take the medicine when Trunks told him to? Because he told Goku to take it when he got sick, and he didn't get sick until the day of the battle. Stuff like that. But I didn't really convince anyone, because they'd rather be smug and pretend they poked all these holes in the thing.

Another example, I just saw a twitter thread of people arguing over whether Goku turned Super Saiyan because of Frieza killing Krillin or because of Frieza threatening to kill Gohan next. And it's like those things literally happened one right after the other, so I'm pretty sure it can be both. But it's not even a dialogue for some fans. They just want to pick sides so they can dunk on the other side for being "wrong".

Oh, and the whole Power Level thing. Vegeta demonstrated the futility of scouters way back in 1989-- The Z-Fighters can raise and lower their fighting power at will, so the readouts on the Scouters are useless. Vegeta destroyed his scouter as soon as he reached Namek. Ginyu stole Goku's body but couldn't replicate the same power levels that Goku had just used. Frieza claimed he had a power level of one million, but he had no technology with which to measure it, so how would he know? Goku became a Super Saiyan in spite of the testing performed on him as a baby, which predicted he would be a low-class fighter. The whole thesis of the Saiyans-Namek-Frieza arc is that you can't reduce battle power and fighting spirit to a number, and every character who tried ended up getting killed. And yet this point continues to sail over so many fans' heads.

But it is what it is, I guess.

#ask duhragonball #dragon ball

[incarnateirony]

OK, apparently i need to put up a public notice about this.

POLOL discord was made, at first, to escape people screaming cult at us for, you know, the truth. For working on bobo's spiral narrative, for knowing his intentions, for marking down arcana and alchemy use. The people there spoke with the authors and knew what they were doing, like writing the confession at the start of the season, but still got screamed at and called delusional.

One of the key rules in the server is to not wander around whining that you don't understand it all the time while simultaneously refusing to onboard information people took the time and energy to try to give you. Because that's selfish bullshit. People have other things to do with their time and energy than use it on someone that wants temporary pacification, not actual peace and answers.

This is starting to become an issue. Because this fandom can have all its anxiety brainworms it wants, but you've got to understand. I've known the end since I've known the beginning and the arena shape of rough episodes between. Same as I knew S15 confession or original roadhouse ending. It just. It is what it is. It's reality, and it's happening.

So whenever someone insists on coming into my server to doom spiral, you have to understand, from my perspective, you are literally kicking into my livingroom to have a meltdown about the monster in your head, sometimes several times a day, and it literally looks insane to me, because when you know the truth, you can see all these people screaming and shaking and fighting the monster in their head, but then when you try to talk to them to help them with that monster, they only hear the convenient parts they want, move on, then come back with more questions from angles that show they dead ass have not been listening to me.

You wanna figure out what's happening? You gotta admit you suck. That's the first step. Every part of your info gathering process or bias confirmation or what you think Why Not sucks. Get over that first so you stop trying to cling to the preconceptions that made the monster in your head. They suck, stop trying to rehab them, be like elsa and let it go and start over.

I'm not going to spend my time, all these years later, already tolerating people lowkey implying they don't actually believe me, in my own house, for the monsters inside their own head--all these years later, kicking water uphill to argue against the first three bad assumptions you posed your questions on the basis of because you won't let it go. That process sucks, it's why you keep ending up in left field, stop trying to tell yourself you were right or good at this the whole time. You suck and admit you suck and keep moving and learn how not to suck. I hate to break it to you, but this is literally the show plot now.

Yesterday someone exploded because I called them on it, and the server got a mix of messages--half thanking me and apologizing for having to deal with it, other people ~concerned that ~people might leave because ~I'm being too blunt.

Bruh I don't care. It's my space. Don't come into my house and shit on my rug while screaming. If I say, stop shitting on my rug or leave, don't scream back "OH YEAH? IF YOU DONT LET ME SHIT ON THE RUG, I'LL LEAVE", good. Leave until you unpack your shit and are willing to start over. I'm tired of people dragging delusional bullshit inside their own head into my livingroom and spraying their drama and anxiety and doomspirals everywhere then refusing to actually *listen* to what it takes to get rid of the anxiety monster, or expecting me to kick uphill against your own biases you're projecting at shit. Stop.

"I don't get it." Then you don't care. You don't care about me as a person, you don't care about how I communicate, you don't care until it directly influences you in a method of immediate profit on the specifics you personally care about it. And if you don't care, I don't have to care, and I don't have to tolerate you shitting on my rug and breaking the rules.

We gave leniency on those rules because the finale WAS tough to stomach. But you've had two years to process it now and if you're still directing it at others, that's your shit and your shit alone. And again, I hate to break it to you, that, from projection, reflection, and processing your own shit, is in fact THE FUCKING PLOT.

So guys. Respect my space. I don't have to let people into my space. You are not entitled to do what the fuck ever you want in my space or worse TO me as a human being. If only five people were left in the server and I had peace that'd be peak over having 1000 akrida in it shitting up the walls with cockroach poop and doomspiraling and refusing to actually listen or onboard info to stop shitting on the walls.

I know myself. I know the truth. And I have self respect. And I know this drives haters insane that don't have any of these three for themselves. People who just have speculation and theories and years of misinterpretations. They want to do everything they can to destroy that, and it's never worked, and they just get angrier and angrier and further away from the truth. But the end is coming whether they're ready or not. Reality is reality and is going to continue being reality. Wildly. So no. I get to do self care and set basic self respect and exhaustion limits against the most disrespectful people wandering into my space, thinking being Nice(TM) qualifies you to ignore and disrespect people at convenience over literally, definitional delusional bullshit inside your own head. Or use them up for your personal token of comfort over and over without doing what you need on yourself to stop using someone else as a distraction. Stop.

And most of all, buckle up assholes. Cuz if you haven't accepted the truth yet, it's really going to come around the bend for you. And you'll realize, I spoke truth: takes like 2po, destielotp, etc are the definition of delusional agendas and projection; shippers are acting on the definition of irrational fear they're weaving in their own heads and misunderstandings. And that you guys let yourselves be deluded by sociopaths for years, and I do mean years, as even that is about to be part of the plot. Roughly S12-15 primarily with tangible season 10, 8 and other elements (all the way to In The Beginning and Lazarus Rising and old Kripke quotes tbh).

Everyone better look real hard at Kripke's old genderless quote about Dean's perfect match, figure out the original glitchy promo reels, and realize what's about to go down with Roxxy vs the Queen and all perceptions Dean refuses to look past like you guys there.

Long live the queen. Nobody can stop what's coming for humanity through the hole in the body to make it full. It's time for the final exchange. Got diamonds between my thighs where your Ego will find bliss. Meet me at the corner of Advanced Death, I will always find you here. The One. A goddess with a blade, want some honey, you won't stop running. Our box has a name. You can call him queen bee. Okay ladies, now let's get in formation. Superstar, supernova, talk my shit Casanova, Supernatural love up in the air. Gonna find the queen of all your dreams.

S/he's The Trap, one more step and you're dead. And that's okay, you don't have to figure it out right now dean, you just need to open the space vagina through the narnia closet and let it in. Just take one step, we can stick with the mouth for now. Open the door dean, answer the phone. Your goddess awaits.

#Youtube

[warpaiint]

*    knowing  your  partner  well  can  potentially  make  writing  a  lot  easier,    repost,    do  not  reblog.

                                           meet the mun.  — basics

NAME: Wolf PRONOUNS:   she/her PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION:  I prefer discord, its a lot easier to handle as tumblr just doesn't like to tell me I have messages anymore. I'm faster to respond on discord too. [ If we are mutuals you can add me here . Wolf .#9924 ] SINGLE / TAKEN: Single

— three facts

I have a cat named Aloy. My long hair Siamese baby who is super tiny and loves to carry around half of an Easter egg.

I also have a bunny, named Evie. See a trend here?

I'm a single mom, three kids, burnt out and just tired. This place is my escape, so I like to write a lot. Forgive me if I am a lot, while I'm introverted in nature, I'm very excitable when it comes to writing and will scream about my love for muses.

— experience

So if we are talking about tumblr, I joined back in 2014. That meanas I got about 10 years experience here on tumblr. However, in total, I started roleplaying as an adorable noob on Avidgamers back when I was 14. So in terms of experience of roleplaying, I got about 20 years of writing on my back, with about 3-4 years of writing horrible girl fanfics of sailor moon and self-inserts there XD. But hey, we all have to start somewhere right?? But don't worry, I like to think I have some experience with roleplaying by now.

— sub-genres

um, whatever I plot with someone?

— plots vs memes

I like both. While my preference is plotting, I want to make it clear that plotting doesn't mean I create a script that we have to play exclusively too. Plotting for me is like a form of foundation, delving into our characters connection and relationship, how they click and react. Plotting threads is giving an idea of where we stand, what we 'think' will happen. Now, if character deviant, by all means DO IT! I know my muses don't always listen to me, their stubborn asses decide what they want to do. but plotting for me encourages investment and excitement that I look forward to!!! However I also like Memes! They are great ways to start threads, bringing ideas to the surface that might not have been. I typically like to continue memes too, because they are fun little side gigs! I am more likely to send tons of memes if we plotted though because that ooc communication is key to everything.

— long or short replies

I write anything from a paragraph up to 4 or 5 paragraphs. I typically, 98% of the time, will not reply to one liners or something that is only a couple of sentences long. It doesn't hold my attention or get me excited. So most things you get from me will most likely be at least a paragraph long (which is around 5+ sentences).

— best time to write

I am currently still looking for a job, so I have free time all the time. I am up at 10am CST and don't sleep til 1am. Most of my writing does happen at night though, after kids finally slow down and things get quiet, but anywhere during that time writing can happen.

tagged by: stolen from @paddyfuck tagging: anyone.

#[wolf speaks] — ooc post. #[wolf speaks] — personal games.

[poet-for-the-ages]

a vent poem made from a discord rant

I HATE THIS GODDAMNED BODY

IT HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH

AND MY PHYSICAL EXISTENCE CAUSES ME SUFFERING

where existence is suffering 

and it feels like my entire life would be fixed 

if someone chopped off my tits

it probably wouldn’t, but it definitely would help

I HATE MY BODY 

I HATE IT SO MUCH

I HATE HOW I’M SO STUPIDLY PRETTY, 

AND I HATE MY RATHER NICE HOURGLASS FIGURE, 

AND THAT FACT THAT I SOMEHOW AM 

A SKINNY ATTRACTIVE GIRL

I JUST WISH 

ONE OF THOSE BODY SWAP SCENARIOS 

WOULD HAPPEN WITH ME 

AND A TRANS GIRL

SO THEN WE BOTH COULD BE HAPPY 

I HATE ALL THE COMPLEMENTS 

I GET FROM FAMILY

THEY ALWAYS SAY I’M SOOO PRETTY

AND THAT MY SKIN IS SO GOOD

THAT I LOOK SO FUCKING GOOD 

WITH LONG HAIR AND THAT 

ITS A MOTHERFUCKING SHAME 

I WANT TO CUT IT ALL OFF

AND I DONT KNOW IF IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL SOMETHING

OR IF IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF

AND, HONESTLY? 

I’M NOT SUPER SURE ABOUT ANYTHING. 

LIKE. 

AT ALL

I’M PROBABLY A BOY

I’M CLOSE ENOUGH TO A BOY

BUT NO MATTER WHAT, 

I’M THE FURTHEST FUCKING THING 

FROM A GIRL

AND EVERY TIME I GET CALLED 

BY MY OLD NAME 

OR GET CALLED 

A DAUGHTER, 

IT MAKES ME WANT 

TO FUCKING SCREAM

DONT FUCKING PUT ME 

IN A PRINCESS DRESS, BECAUSE 

THAT ACTIVELY MAKES ME WANT 

TO THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF

SOME DAYS, I’M JUST FINE. 

I CAN SUCK IT UP

BUT SOMETIMES?! 

ITS LIKE A RING OF SELF HATRED 

AROUND MY GODDAMN THROAT

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY THINK 

EVERYTHING WOULD 

BE SO MUCH EASIER 

IF I WAS JUST A BOY

ok. i’m done now

i got it all out of my system

#i didn’t bother to format it out of where i wrote it on discord #it was originally just me yelling to my friend late at night #but i made a poem out of it for some reason #angry poem #poems #poetry #vent #vent poem #transgender #trans #ftm #transmasc #trans guy #gender dysphoria #free to reblog

[warmaiidens]

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍

———  BASICS! ♡

(PEN)NAME:  Wolf

PRONOUNS: she/her

ZODIAC SIGN: Libra

TAKEN OR SINGLE:  single

———  THREE  FACTS! ♡

1 -   I have a cat, named Aloy. I love cats and will never not have one in my life.

2 - I have a degree in Anthropology and Geology. Its why you see a lot of headcanons involving cultural aspects of my characters. I love to dig not just into the character, but their lifestyles and cultures as well. ITs very influential in how a person is.

3 -   I'm obsessed over Horizon Zero Dawn/Horizon Forbidden West. You will never not see me screaming about it and my love for Aloy and all the other brilliantly crafted characters in that world.

———  EXPERIENCE! ♡

PLATFORMS USED: I started writing about 24 years ago, back on a forum called Avidgamers. You could build your own server/forum, have your own roleplay world. It was pretty cool. Then it evolved into other forums, including Avidgamers 2.0, into acornrack then into Spleafnet. You won't find any information about these sites, I'm not even sure if they are trying to recrate it anymore, but yeah. If you know, you know. I did some things on invisionfree and jcink and all, but after awhile I got tired of the strict rules of these forums and the characters I wanted to write were usually taken. Now I use Discord and Tumblr. though I'm finding myself far more partial to discord than tumblr nowadays.

PLOTTING / WINGING IT / MEMES: I.... am not good with winging it. At all. Much of the time I will stare at these things and have to drop it. I LOVE plotting though! Like let us talk, talk about how our characters will interact and involve. I want a foundation and excitement to really give me a reason to write. winging it jut kind of feels like I'm giving a scrape of food and going 'here, try it' but no idea why I should. I also LOVE memes especially after plotting.

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE! ♡

GENDER: I prefer to write only female characters. I've written a few men here and there, but I don't really attach to them as well as I do my ladies.

MULTI OR SINGLE: I am a multi-muse, but I don't care about anyone else. you a multi, awesome! you a single blog, I got ya. I'll write with both <3

LEAST FAVOURITE FACECLAIM(S): I really don't care.

———  FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡    

FLUFF: Oh I love fluff. I love my girls getting some domestic time and having some warm talks and comforts. Its very cute!

ANGST: Now this, this is where I shine! I am sorry for anyone who writes with this blog, because I love putting my muses in danger. I love having them have to save someone and scared about if they live or die, I love putting them into dangerous situations and begging to keep walking so they don't pass out. I love putting them into conflicts with other characters where they have to team up to survive, trying to keep going on even when they are so spent. I don't like angst that is confrontations between person vs. person (I don't do fights or arguing. I don't like conflicts like that. But everything else omg, let me live in my angst!

SMUT: I like smut! I think its a great thing to explore within a character relationship. However, I will not do smut with someone that I haven't plotted with or talk to on a regular basis. I think the only smut I have going on is with a couple of people who I talk to almost every day XD I love writing it, but I want to make sure I am comfortable with the person I write it with.

tagged by: @ofspvrta

tagging: @innerwar, @austerulous, @legendelore, @keepfight1n, @giraffeiisms, @gcddamnbrother, @storiedhistories, @shadxwcd, and anyone else who wants to.

#ooc post ― . ᛝ #personal games ― . ᛝ

[fictionfixations]

Maniacal Double Life [Group 2-Session 1]

so.

I didn't record the Double Life session and havent really talked about it outside of the discord server for it and i kinda talked about this a little bit and stuff?

so let me fill you in on what happened (except its a little old now)

(there were some other problems besides just my power going out lmao??? so i couldnt join for awhile because it just.. wouldnt let me? and then i realized it was telling me i had an outdated client and apparently it was 1.19.1 and not 1.19??? bRO even the admin didnt know lOl-- rip optifine though, the zoom man sobs??? also i dont know where the fuck the enchanting table went- i think i saw it like once and that was for a split second because i was moving my attention to a tree.)

basically while waiting (because you dont get your soulmates immediately ofc) and there were people waiting for everyone to join i think? (my power literally went out when it hit 6 PM, which was when the session was starting sobs), I just kinda gathered materials LMAO I got really lucky and I got myself into a ravine with a LOT of iron and made tools, and a water bucket w/ a shield?? i dont remember if i had armor or not and then the server had to be put on hold for a moment and kicked everyone??? i dont remember why but i think there were some difficulties- and when i rejoined i just FORGOT i had mobs surrounding me and proceeded to die and i didnt have the coords?? (and the f3 screen got so confusing wtf idk where shit is) so i just lost all my stuff LOL luckily that part wasnt canon though? the deaths dont count until you actually get your soulmate

so then sOULMATE TIME

i kinda found my soulmate after some time and uhh.. -i mean we did kinda okay? we didnt get as lucky and uh.. there were a lot of near death experiences LMAO ALSO ALSO ALSO so when we put down our beds on like this little mountain we're rooming on,

a creeper just came by and fucking blew it up SO WE DIDNT HAVE SPAWN ANYMORE---

and then the SECOND time we put our beds down there was ANOTHER creeper that blew it up and i think my partner was afk or something and i just PANICKED and punched my partner CLOSER TO THE CREEPER AS I SCREAMED????

bro im so fucking glad my partner didnt die sobs that wouldve been a stupid way to go and i dont even remember the way back to the mountain lmAO though theres like only one other pair besides us so its kinda.. a little awkward? i mean if you do something its clear who did it but like i think other people will be joining by session 2 or something? not to mention school happening meaning a lot of more people might be switched to group 2 or something, i dunno how it works but if it does happen, then well-- theyd probably be from group 1?? cause so group 1 for session 1 had ran from 2-4 pm, and group 2 ran from 6-8 pm

but with school happening the time theyre free might be different now??

i dont know its weird

but uh, the other soulmate pair i dont even know where they are? (we're like fuckin isolated id think? but theres this person from that other soulmate pair that kept coming over and giving gifts [they gave us wool when our beds fuckin blew up lmao- fOR FREE???])

AND THEY HAVE DIAMONDS? or someone has diamonds i dont know i just remember seeing a diamond achievement sobs i dont think we even have iron armor ??? we just have fuckin leather boots or something

#double life smp #fan double life smp #inspired double life #double life inspired #maniacal double life #maniacal double life smp #minecraft #thoughts #group 2 #session 1 #dlsmp

[poltergeist-coffee]

Tubbo is a force to be reckoned with

If he got kidnapped he really would do live while he's kidnapped

Kidnapping vlog

The pactoiles brainrot is real(feel free to scream about them)

Insane duo mermaid au you say? 👀

Mermaids are one of the things that the brainrot never truly leave me, it aways come back every once in a while for whatever the reason is

But yeah, the world should stop being afraid of us, like, what could we possibly do?

There's nothing to be afraid:)

Very random, but people started calling Philza and Cellbit the archivists and I get so many the Magnus archives vibes from it

And I know very little about TMA but I like the vibes

Talking about Philza...

GIVE HIS WINGS BACK YOU FUDGES

About the dead federation workers thing

I'm very... Divided(I hope that's make sense on English) about it, like, if qcellbit really did it I think some people would react in a similar way they did to qbbh about Ron(how is that guy btw? I haven't heard about him anymore) and... Y'know, he changed from the guy he used be and such

But at the same time I'm like "FINALLY", because, yeah fudge the federation:D

I dunno, perhaps if he really did it he could convince people it's just the federation trying to frame him y'know

But just time will tell

And you can probably tell to wich side I'm more inclined to

I crave the chaos

(Also I saw someone say "F bit, now it's just Cell")

Pac would swim his way outta this island if he wasn't scared of water too

At the same time I don't think the federation are above killing their workers to frame him

He's one of the most anti-federation people on that island and he got a very dubious past, sure he changed, but at the same time it would make the others wondee if he would do it, he hates the federation and after everything they've done to him, his family and the others Islanders, he would have a reason to do it

So yeah, both options are equally possible to me

"he's just like fr"

-Cellbit's discord about Cellbit probably

The devil work fast but Cellbit's discord work faster

I have found the headcanon of Cellbit's discord being some sort of entity or god(s) or something and nobody will it off me

Its just so cool

This reminds me I've said that I would make designs for the qsmp goddess and still haven't done it

I never have ideas to draw except when I do(at 3am)

How do you imagine them tho?

I could talk about it probably but it would definitely be really long because I can't write something short to save my life

Maybe on another ask:)

- 🍽️

tbh a kidnapping vlog from q!tubbo would be very very funny MKNSJHCKJA what can the federation do?? they already put him in prison?? double prison??? i think the federation really want tubbo of the island but have no way of doing it yet lol

insaneduo mermaid au are so silly… i love them so much

i tried to get into the magnus archives once but i got distracted and then never retuned to listening to it TT it looks so cool i want to get into it, especially the avatars/entities (?) like the web, the lonely, etc etc. i think you could so easily make a qsmp au with it but i’m not in it so i can’t be the one to do it TT

i heard that jaiden asked the uh federation/mods about her wings so maybe that’s how they can get them like out of canon kekw i know cc!philza would just not ask for his wings back tho JUST TO KILL US WITH ANGST!! HE KILLED NEARLY ALL HIS FANS SAYING HE KEEPS HIS BACKPACK ON BECAUSE ITS LIKE HAVING THE WEIGHT OF HIS WINGS BACK HE WILL KILL US AGAIN!! the crows are miserable

i don’t know what to think about the dead federation workers… maybe cellbit just confused what halloween decorations are and killed a man to decorate spawn with u-u i support him to do that halloween is my favorite holiday. i think with how his character is rn it wouldn’t really make sense for him to kill a worker all of a sudden? BUT if it is actually him who did it then i will support his crimes. i’ll defend him in qsmp court

CELLBITS DISCORD BEING A GOD/DEITY ENTITIY IS SUCH A COOL IDEA HOLY SHIIIIIT O-o maybe cellbit is a follower of this god because they really love puzzles/is all about mystery, that’s why they always make themselves known when there are enigmas on the server (like with q!bagi and solving it with her) (maybe the god feeds on mystery and knowledge? owo) it’s funny to think that tubbo always calls out to this god too, asking if he’s doing good and asking them for answers kamknfkns the deity is a little fond of q!tubbo because he’s silly.

ID LOVE TO HEAR YOUR IDEAS FOR GODDESS DESIGNS!! the only real idea i have is for mumza. she’s super purple and wears a huge hat like a qphilza with a veil so it hides her face. i think she might have some sort of galaxy aesthetic too because it’s pretty and she deserves that <33 she always has crows surrounding her too. I’ve seen a lot of cute designs for Mine and i think she’s be very pink like her irl lol. i think she should also get wings uwu

#✉️ asks or whatever #🍽️ anon #hiding in the tags nmsknd i think it’s because past fandoms i’m in i never rlly engaged in shipping so i’m like very shy about it lolol #except for q!slimeriana because they’re canon and i need to remind everyone that they’re married and toxic and also in love #brrrr okay back to being normal

[apotheosphorus]

when i first got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and tentatively disclosed it to my closest friends (my family obstinately gaslit themselves into denying my diagnosis), my friends acted shocked. it seemed like i was doing fine. i had friends and had absolutely everything together with a 3.7 gpa at ucla. i was skinny, conventionally attractive, and smart.

it was hard for them to wrap their head around the notion i was struggling with a serious mental illness when every major litmus test said, in fact, that i was more than fine.

but i was always fraying at the seams. playing a precarious game of balance between mitigating the worst of my behaviors and engaging the manic energy into my academic success, only to crash into a serious depression and self harm that i sequestered away from the world. i couldnt let the world know how truly and deeply unwell and unregulated i was. it would shame me to have my self-projected image of bluster and brains thrown right back into my face. because then id be exposed for what i was all along; someone destined for failure and disintegration.

and as time went on, the facade only cracked even further. it felt like pieces were being taken away from me as more and more stressors in life were added, and no one took the time to care. it felt like the melodic composition of my life that i had struggled to keep together grew discordant and the dregs of depression shone through until there really wasnt much of me at all left.

staying mindful through manic episodes feels a lot like bottling lightning. its contained and to an untrained eye, luminous and striking. but its a dangerous thing just waiting to explode and slowly the glass bottle will splinter and everyone will be collateral. and i will get to say, “i told you so,” to all the bystanders i silently screamed to for help who refused to believe there was anything in the bottle to begin with.

no one sees the little ways things fall through the cracks. nobody cares. but then the things that fall through slowly get bigger until theyre astronomical, and then people only get upset that youre inconveniencing them. and now youre battered and dysregulated and a failure, and all people can think about is how you make them feel uncomfortable.

the little things become large and soon i wonder if there will no longer be a net, much less a floor, and the last spindly threads of my mental health will disintegrate and ill just be a free fall.

its easy to slip. a slip of the tongue, a slip of the mind, a slip of the finger and the iron pierces the skin and blood wells at the tip. a slip close to the edge and you plummet.

i dont know if i can ever come back from that.

#bipolar disorder #mental health #venting #i have no one i feel safe with to talk about these things #i wish i didnt have to #masking is hard #let me cook #let me sleep