#i went through NINETEEN YEARS of that shit and im SO FUCKING MAD

[donut-entendre]

The real problem with the writing team for rvb is nobody has any GODDAMN RAGE in their heart about what the military does to people

#i went through NINETEEN YEARS of that shit and im SO FUCKING MAD #WHERES YOUR ANGER. WHERES YOUR RAGE. RISE RISE RISE #they still fucking decide if you're overweight by CIRVUMFERENCE. do you KNOW how stupid that is #they make traumatized people and kick them to the curb so they can traumatize their kids into being so desperate to leave they join up #then you dont know how to do SHIT for yohrself #taxes. savings. cooking. nothing! #rvb #nonsense thoughts

[freebooter4ever]

my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously. 

#journal shit #christmas is family time right????

[kee-writestrashh]

Guns for Hire

Ramsay Bolton x Reader fic

ao3 link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12036195/chapters/28268880

Chapter 14: Curtain Call

You sat there giddy in excitement, waiting on your name to be called. It was impossible to hide your feelings, as you wrung your hands in your lap.

Ramsay simply sat there, lost in deep thought by the look in his eyes until the sound of your shared lastname brought him to.

"How are we feeling today, (y/n)?" The nurse asked as you stepped on the scale.

"Fantastic!" You said, doing your best to keep your voice quiet.

The nurse smiled, "glad to hear. No problems?"

"Nothing I can't handle. Baby B and I are reaching an agreement in the eating arrangements now." You said as the nurse led you to the room.

"Good deal. So, looks like today we are finally getting to see the little one. Sorry we couldn't get you in on your first appointment, our tech was on holiday." The nurse said, smiling between you and Ramsay. "So, with that said, she will be in here in a couple minutes."

You glanced around the room. Full of wires and equipment. You gave your husband a small smile as you gripped his hand.

After only a few minutes of waiting the ultrasound technician entered with a knock.

"Good morning." She said with a smile and sitting in her swivel seat. She typed in a few things on her computer, pulled on a pair if gloves, and turned to you, "let's see this baby, shall we?"

You laid back on the bed, unbuttoning your pants as instructed and watching the tech place a blue paper cloth in your pants waist and pull a tube of gel from her table.

"Mkay, so it will be cold at first, but then it gets warm. Ready?" The woman said.

You bit your lip, grasping Ramsay's hand, and giving a nod.

The thick gel feeling weird as it began to warm, your eyes glued to the screen as finally your child came into view.

Your breath caught as you saw the tiny little human shaped form inside you. Ramsay said nothing as his eyes wandered over the screen. A stoic mask upon his face

"Looks like we are actually sitting at more at thirteen weeks. Projected due date is... uhm, June twenty seventh."

"How can I have been pregnant for so long and just now finding out about it?" You asked as the information penetrated you.

The woman gave a small laugh, "some women have no idea until they are almost due. Bodies are crazy. So in about, oh, i'd say six weeks we will take another look, just to make sure we have all our fingers and toes and see if we are a boy or girl."

You gave a small nod as the tech pulled away from you and pulling her gloves off, adding notes to her computer and printing out three of the pictures and handing them to Ramsay as you wiped the gel off your skin with the blue cloth.

In one hand you clutched your next appointment slip, and the pictures in the other as you climbed into the jeep. You wore a big grin watching the snow kiss the windshield.

"Hungry?" Ramsay asked, glancing around the parking lot.

"Well, I could eat." You said with a shrug. "I'd actually probably kill for some greasy hash browns and nasty ass McGridle."

"So specific." Ramsay chuckled.

xxx

"Where you going?" You asked sitting up from the couch.

"Gym."

You scrunched your nose. "Can't you just stay home with me, where it's warm?"

"I won't be long." He said, leaving.

"Pft. Okay." You muttered, laying back down on the couch and picking up your phone.

A knock came on the door. Thankfully the dogs were out back. You did not want to hear their obnoxious barking.

You rose from the couch and opened the door. There stood Tyene holding a plastic bag full of cookies and ice cream. A file folder in her other hand.

"Got what ya wanted." She said with a grin, walking in past you and falling into the couch, snatching up the remote.

You sat beside her, pulling the cookies toward you. You rose to your feet again and went to the kitchen for a spoon.

When you came back, it was to find Tyene shoveling cookies in her mouth and watching some anime on Netflix.

"Sooo... what's up with you and Matt?" You asked, giving her a sly grin.

Tyene grinned, "He's cute. A real sweetheart. And he's fucking funny. I like him. He turns eighteen in a couple months, and im only nineteen, so it's not like weird or anything."

"I thought you were twenty." You said, raising a brow at her.

"I may or may not have lied about that on my application. I've been doing this since I was thirteen, so sometimes I just kinda forget."

You shook your head and sat back down on the couch and picked up the folder. You slowly opened it. It was full to bursting with papers and evaluations. All of Ramsay's psych reports from age five.

After almost two hours and a whole half gallon if ice cream, you set down your spoon and set aside the folder.

"So, how much of a piece of work is your husband? I didn't get the chance to look." Tyene asked as you rose from the seat.

You gave a shrug.

She took the look on your face, and cocked her head. "(Y/n)? You okay?"

"Yeah. Just... I dunno." You said, your voice sounding unnaturally high as it left you.

'I'm a clinically diagnosed psycho.'

You weren't sure how to take in the information. He fit the bill. But he loved you. Right? Or was he just using you? Could he love you? Roose's words echoed in your mind,

'Obsession. That's what he has for you.'

'No.' you thought bitterly. 'he does love me. He has given me the world. He's never hurt me. He loves me.'

You pushed aside everything and gave a smile.

"Yeah, the baby just... I guess the ice cream was too cold or something. I'm okay." You said, snatching up the folder and pushing through the back door to the patio. "Do you smoke?"

"Yeah. Why?" Tyene called back, as the dogs pushed past you to get inside.

"I need a lighter."

You watched the papers curl up into ash. You then closed the lid of the grill and walked back inside.

"So, thought I should tell you. The Lannister's will be attending theater tonight for that new reenactment of Hamlet or whatever." Tyene said, snatching up her keys.

You nodded, "the boy?"

Tyene nodded, "all of them. And the Tyrell bitch."

"What theater?" you asked.

"That Mocking Bird place."

"Thank you." You said, seeing her to the door. Once closed you walked back to the couch and picked up your phone.

"Everything okay, baby girl?" Ramsay's voice said, through a heavy breath.

"Yeah. I just got info the Lannister's will be going to see a play tonight. All of them. The Tyrell's included."

"Good girl. Dress nice. That backless dress. Diamonds over pearls. I'll be home soon. Pull out my finest."

xxx

"God, you're fucking sexy." Your husband purred, running his rough hand over the bare skin of your back, digging his nails in slightly, watching your skin form red lines.

Your cheeks flushed, "Thank you baby." You ran your hand over the front of your dress, your bulge very pronounced in the right fabric. It was exciting. It was little and not very noticeable to others, but you noticed it. You loved it.

"Don't shave." You said, as you watched Ramsay step into the shower.

"Whatever my queen commands." He replied.

"Bow tie tonight huh?" You asked, brushing Ramsay's hair aside. It was getting a bit long.

"Been awhile. And none if my ties match this jacket." Ramsay shrugged, stepping back from you and adjusting his cuffs. "Ready?"

You grabbed your clutch off the bed, slipped your phone inside and nodded.

It was always exciting when Ramsay took you out and went over the top, as he helped you into the limo.

"So, the plan is?" You asked, watching the slow city life of a Wednesday night downtown as the Ramsay danced his fingers across the bare skin of your thigh.

"You get friendly with the Tyrells." He whispered, leaning over and nibbling your neck.

"What about you?" You asked leaning into him more.

"You have your orders, I have mine." He murmured as the door opened.

The man at the door helped you out and as you straightened up you were surprised to see Roose and Walda standing there beside two men you didn't know. One was younger looking with a cocky air about him. The other looked ancient and like, well, a creep.

Ramsay placed his hand on the small of your back, "Father. Baelish. Frey." He said smoothly, inclining his head at each man in turn.

"Son. (Y/n)." Roose responded in his silky voice.

"Shall we?" The man named Baelish asked, motioning toward the entrance.

You and Ramsay fell into step behind the group. He gripped your hand almost painfully hard, but you weren't sure why. He wasn't mad at you. Must be his father.

A man at the entrance showed your party up a flight of velvet stairs and bowed you all in through a door to a half room with a balcony to see the stage.

The sight made you gasp slightly as you saw them. Tywin, Jaime, Cersei, Joffrey , Margaery, and her brother Loras. They all stood when your party entered. You took in Margaery. She was a beauty. Poor girl. Stuck with that blonde idiot boy. She was easily three years older than him.

"Roose and company. So glad you could all join us this evening." Tywin said, shaking your father in laws hand.

What the fuck was going on?

You saw Joffrey lean into Margaery and whisper something in her ear with a smirk. You saw her let out a forced giggle and a smile that betrayed her eyes.

You took your seat beside Ramsay, crossing your legs and toying with the clutch in your lap.

"You sure are a pretty little dove." Cersei spoke up, smiling rather unkindly at you.

"Thank you, ma'am. I get that all the time." You replied through a genuine smile that made hers falter slightly. Ramsay snorted, making Cersei drop her fake smile all together and give you both sour looks.

"I hear you and the Mad Dog are expecting. I have a dog too you know." Joffrey said maliciously nodding behind him to a man who had a very scared face. He grunted but said nothing. what a bitch to have a body guard. Pompus little shit.

"Well I think you are absolutely glowing. I only hope I look as beautiful when I'm pregnant." Margaery cooed with a big smile.

"Speaking of dogs, Bolton." Jaime spoke up, leaning forward in his chair, "I heard you were in the ring today. Getting a bit slow, huh?"

Ramsay gave a shrug, "Been awhile. Thought I'd give it one last go before the glory days are over."

"You neglected to tell me that, son." Roose said, eyeing Ramsay disdainfully.

You watched Ramsay's profile, as he turned to you, "go get me a drink baby girl. Top shelf. Don't let them water it. If they try to swindle me, shoot 'em."

You gaped. "Shoot 'em?"

"Politely, of course. This is a black tie affair after all." He said, slapping your ass as you stood from your chair.

"Allow me to come with. I'm a bit thirsty. Anyone else want something?" Margaery said standing quickly.

"You know what I like." Joffrey said, leaning back in his seat as if he owned it.

Margaery looped her arm through yours and you glanced back at your husband who gave you a wink and ran his tongue along his lips rather suggestively. Your cheeks burnt.

"So, are you excited?" Margaery asked, eyeing your belly.

"So excited. Got to finally see the little one this morning. It's so surreal." You gushed, unable to keep the excitement from your voice.

Margaery gave a tinkling laugh, "I hope to have one soon. I love children. I want so many."

"I suppose you're here to feel me out?" You asked rather bluntly. No point in beating around the bush.

"Naturally. As are you." Margaery said, her kind smile never faltering.

"Men." You huffed with an airy laugh.

"Right though? What do we even need them for? I'm sorry by the way. About your bar. And the what Joff did that night. I see Ramsay wasn't hurt too bad." Margaery said, tugging at her dress as you both descended down the stairs.

"He looks much better than he did." You replied sagely.

"I would have stopped it, if I had known in advance."

You weren't sure if she meant the shoot out or the bar. But it didn't matter.

You were a bit startled to see Olyvar at the bar.

"What can I get you ladies?" He asked, as if he didn't know you.

"Might as well just buy the whole bottle of your best whiskey." You said with a sigh, pulling your card from your clutch and sliding it across the counter.

You fingered the bottle waiting, as Margaery placed her order.

'What a bitch if that's what he likes.' you thought to yourself as Margaery paid for the two electric blue fruity drinks.

You gripped the bottle. "Can I get a glass, please? I'd rather if my husband didn't look like trash while getting trashed."

"Of course ma'am." Olyvar said, leaning forward as he slid the glass to you. "Tell Ramsay the Lannister's are tailing Stark." He whispered, glancing around.

"Thank you!" You said cheerfully, taking the glass and walking back over to where Margaery stood waiting on you.

"I have it that you aren't from the city?" Margaery said, sipping her drink as you made for the stairs.

"Nope. Little town about three hours from here. Came here for school, then I met Rams, and well, here I am." You said with a small laugh. What a story you would have to tell someday.

"Is it true he kills for fun? That's what Joffrey says."

You gave a small shrug, but said nothing.

"Does he... You know, hurt you?" She asked, quietly.

"No. He doesn't. He's very good to me." You said coldly.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to assume, I just thought he would be violent. After the things I heard."

You stopped on the stair, "What do you mean?"

"Oh. I only just meant... do you not know?" Margaery asked, taking you in.

"Know what?" You breathed narrowing your eyes at the woman.

Margaery looked around uncomfortably, then jerked her head to a bathroom door.

You stepped off the stair and followed her. Once inside she quickly checked the stalls and then locked the door.

"I don't know the truth of it, but I heard Cersei talking with Jaime and Tywin about Roose and Ramsay the other day. Jaime was saying how he doesn't blame Ramsay for constantly undermining his father. Now with Domeric gone, Ramsay is the only one with the Bolton last name, Roose won't end his family name that easy. But, apparently Roose used to beat the hell out of Ramsay. Abused him in ways that make women shudder. He ran away to go to school and box and started the Bastard's Boys. They say that's why he tortures and kills people." She shifted on her feet, "like I said, I don't know how much of that is true. Just what I heard."

You stared at the girl in front of you, trying to process the words.

"Antisocial personality." You whispered to yourself, remembering the psych reports.

You cleared your throat, "we better get back."

"Knew I married you for a reason." Ramsay chuckled as he took the bottle and glass from you as you sat down.

You gave a small smile and turned your gaze to the stage.

You blindly watched Hamlet. Margaery's words echoing in your head.

Ramsay's hand on your back made you jump.

"They all die." He whispered.

You rolled your eyes, "I know what happens."

"Come here." He said gruffly, pulling you into his lap.

He smelt like the bottle he just damn near drained.

"Stop. It's not the time." You hissed as his fingers trailed under your dress.

"Baby girl, any time is the time. Think I care what any of these fucks think? I'll bend you over this balcony and fuck you right here, right now. Maybe teach these cunts a thing or two about enjoying life." He growled, resting his palm against your pussy. "No undies, huh? And you said it wasn't a good time."

Your cheeks flushed and you stifled a gasp as your husband slipped a finger in you.

"You know I have no underwear." you retorted through a hiss.

You cast around, but no one was paying attention. They were all engaged in conversation, pretending to like one another.

"Baby, stop it. I don't wanna ruin this dress." You whispered, unable to keep yourself from relaxing into him.

"I'll buy you a new one." He replied and a throaty voice as he slid another finger inside you.

You leaned back into him, bringing your hand behind you to fumble with his belt. Once you had gotten it loose enough you slid your hand in his pants.

He made a noise and shifted as you gripped him tightly in your hand, running your thumb over his tip, spreading his precum. He shifted again, apparently becoming very uncomfortable.

"The Lannister's are tailing Ned Stark." You whispered in his ear as you rested your head back on his shoulder.

Ramsay jerked, pulling his fingers from you and wiping them on the inside of your leg.

"Who told You that?" He asked, running his bloodshot eyes over your face, pulling your hand from his pants and fixing his belt.

"Oly. He's working the bar." You said, unsure of what you were seeing on Ramsay's face.

"We need to go." He said, sliding you from his lap and standing abruptly. He grabbed your hand and made toward the door before stopping suddenly. "Oh yeah." He muttered, shoving his hand in his pocket.

You noticed everyone looking at you both, many looks calculating.

Ramsay thrust something into Joffrey's hand, "word of the wise, kid. If you wanna cause mayhem, leave no evidence."

You looked down at the gold, lion shaped cufflink and saw Joffrey swallow uncomfortably.

"Where are you going son?" Roose asked, standing.

You looked at your father in law with cold malice and burning hatred.

"Home. My wife says this isn't the place to fuck her." Ramsay said smoothly. You gave him a dirty look, your ears burning.

You leaned back into the seat of the limo, welcoming your husband's touch as he made various phone calls.

You ran a hand over your belly, as Margaery's words sounded again. 'He won't let his family name end so easily.'

"No. He's waiting to see of I'm carrying a boy. Then he will kill Ramsay. Six weeks. I need to figure out what to do." you thought with a sigh, closing your eyes as you felt Ramsay's weight on you.

You peeked your eye open to see him sliding to his knees in the floor board. He grabbed your hips rather roughly and slid you to the edge of the seat. He bunched your dress and pushed it up to expose you, and ran his scruffy jaw against your thigh as he placed sloppy kisses to your bare skin.

"Rams, stop. We are almost home." You hissed, swallowing the moan threatening to escape you.

You glanced out the blackened window to see multiple police cars shoot past the red light. You frowned. Ramsay pulled away from you and sat up right watching the lights until they were out of sight.

He pulled out his phone. You saw the questions swarming on his face.

"Why did your father seem interested in you fighting again?" You asked suddenly.

Ramsay looked up at you, licking his lips. "Money."

"I don't understand?" You said, furrowing your brow.

"Well, plenty of money to be made. He'll bet against me if I decide to fight again, I'm sure." He said, glancing back down at his phone.

"What happened between you and your father?"

Ramsay gave you a cold look before putting on a sickly sweet smile. "Nothing. We just don't get on well. Now, don't ask questions baby girl."

You frowned. The rumors were apparently not rumors after all.

You fell on to the couch with a sigh, turning the nightly news on. You made it just in time. You slid your heels off, leaning back into the cushion, waiting on the commercials to be over.

The anchorman had a very grim look on his face.

"Good evening folks. Tonight we bring you dismal news as sources are pouring in that Police Chief Ned Stark was shot to death in cold blood just a little over thirty minutes ago as a group of masked men abducted his eldest daughter outside of the mall where she works. We will bring you more information on the story as it comes in."

You gasped. That's where those cop cars had been going.

"Ramsay!" You called, eyes glued to the television.

"Hm?" He asked a few moments later. You glanced over at him, flushing as he only wore a towel at his hips. But you pushed that away and rewound the report.

"Listen!" You cried, hitting play.

Ramsay sat on the couch, running his hand over his stubble and running his tongue over his top teeth.

"Well, this complicates things." He finally spoke.

#ramsay bolton #ramsay bolton x reader #ramsay smut #Ramsay is his own warning #ramsay #mafia #mafia au #dark romance #gangs #organized crime #game of thrones #game of thrones fic #ASoIaF #trash #no shame #shameless #shameless smut #shit fic #ao3fic #No Regrets #no fucks given #fanfic #fanfics #fanfic writing #A Song of Ice and Fire #fight me #Smut #mob #au modern #Modern Setting

[choco-chip-cookie]

SugarDaddy!Cal Pt.14

A/N: So you guys, this time this whole chapter was written with Harry Styles' album on repeat because girl...that's my shit. I could’ve ended it better, but I honestly didn’t know how to. Anyway, you all know the drill of 100 notes and feedback is always appreciated. Enjoy, lovebugs💕

 **WARNINGS**: Nothing besides profanity. A nice vanilla chapter

One/ Two/ Three/ Four/Five/Six/Seven/Eight/ Nine/Ten/Eleven/Twelve/Thirteen/Fourteen/Fifteen Sixteen/ Seventeen/ Eighteen/ Nineteen/Twenty{END}

"Mmm, good morning, princess." Calum whispered as he pressed loving kisses to your jaw.

You sat there stiffly cuddled into his chest, your voice holding no emotion as you told him,"Get your shit and leave."

Calum's eyebrows met together and he pulled his arms from around you, sitting up so that he could see your face. You wouldn't even look at him.

"I thought we-"

"Yeah, I did too." You cut him off before telling him what you came to realize when you woke up nearly an hour ago."You fucking used me."

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't remember what you texted Michael?"

Calum's eyebrows never parted during this whole conversation, his face showing nothing but confusion. When you unlocked and handed him his phone, it was already opened on the messages between him and one of his best mates.

"You went through my phone?"

"Michael text you something about work and I told him I'd tell you when you woke up, because I knew you wouldn't want to talk to him at seven in the morning. I just so happened so see my name and got curious."

"Yeah, but you-"

"Cal, it was never a problem going through your phone for three months straight. Why is it a problem because you're in trouble?"

Calum shook his head and went to read the conversation, mentally choking himself from what was said. Of course he didn't mean it like that, but now that you've seen it there's no way your going to believe him.

Calum: I just miss her mate. ~I miss everything about her from how loud her laugh is to the way she scrunches up her nose when she sees something disgusting ~And the way she always smelled when we cuddled ~And the sex...the sex was fucking phenomenal...I miss that the most Michael:Then go get her Calum ~I couldn't if I wanted to ~Go apologize and fuck her, you said that works every times she's mad ~This is different... ~I'm just telling you what you told me you do when she's upset with you ~ You go buy her some shit, apologize, and have sex with her. Isn't that how the ordeal works or something ~Well...I guess you're right ~I’m always right ~I'll try

"Y/N, I swear to you that really wasn't my intention." He held his hands in the air as if surrendering."I drunk a few beers and came over to talk and it just led to something else."

"Wasn't that the point, though?" You spoke, your voice laced with attitude as you crossed your arms.

"No! No, I promise!" Calum seemed panicked, but you payed it no mind.

All Calum was thinking was he somewhat got you back last night only to lose you again over some stupid text that seemed worse than it actually was. He felt as if he should have the word "IDIOT" written in big bold letters across his forehead.

"I honestly missed you and it wasn't just about the sex. I just wanted a way to feel close to you that's why I went through with it. I thought- I thought that meant we were going to be okay."

You heard the sadness in his voice and saw how his face softened as if he was actually hurt, but no. He shouldn't be the one hurt, he's the one who keeps hurting you.

"You're just..." you laughed lightly, shaking your head in disbelief."you're unbelievable. Feeding me dreams just to get what you want. Do you even actually like me?"

"Yes! Of course I do! Everything is just too complicated right now, but-"

"Just go." You interrupted, standing to show your bare body. When you saw him eyeing you and watched as he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, you had to remember to be mad at him. "Don't come back, Calum. Seriously."

"No."

"Go to your fucking model girlfriend and tell her how you cheated on her with a bitch like me. See how she feels."

You slowly began to find some lounge clothes consisting of a pair of black tights and a polka dotted shirt and ignored the fact that Calum was still sitting there on your bed. Sadly, he was still fully naked, so the multitude of thoughts that were running through your head contradicted what you initially were thinking about him. God, the things that boy did to you. He waited until you began to re-moisturize your curly mane in the mirror before he spoke again.

"Princess, I really am sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Yeah, me either."

You heard the Māori sigh behind you and him shuffling around to unravel himself from the sheets. You watched through the mirror as he got dressed with the most defeated expression and fought the urge to let him back in. It was heartbreaking to say, but you really had to let Calum go. You refused to keep him in your life if that only meant you'd be angry and jealous twenty four seven over some white girl you didn't even know. Some girl who snatched him from you within days and ruined what the two of you had going. You weren't going to be bitter over a man who was never really yours. Calum wrapped his toned arms around you from behind and you stiffened, looking at him through the mirror. He had his face hidden in your hair and began to sway you from side to side, letting out another sigh, but this time in contentment and not disappointment.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting one last hug before I see you in God knows when."

"Get off of me."

He placed a kiss to your shoulder and mumbled out,"Bye, princess.", and finally exiting your room.

You huffed and bent over to lean over your dresser to rest your face in your hands. Who knew catching feelings would be this complicated?

You groaned loudly as you continued to bang on your friend's door, praying that he'd come open it. You knew he was in there due to hearing the sound of what seemed to be Adele playing somewhere in the apartment. Typical Connor.

"Dammit, Connor, open the door!" You shouted and waited a few minutes to see if he'd come to the door. When that didn't work, you began to threatened him."Don't make me go to headquarters and tell them that I don't know if you're alive or not."

It wouldn't be the first time you had to check on both him and Felix for locking themselves in their apartment for days at a time. Soon enough you heard the sound of a lock turning and there stood your best friend in all of his...glory.

"What the hell?" Your eyes widened at his appearance.

You'd known this man for two years and you've never, not even once, caught him slipping like this. His hair was definitely in need for a cut and it seemed as if he hadn't washed it in a weeks. His usually glowing tanned skin was now a bit pale, he had dark bags underneath his eyes, and the sparkle in his bright, sky blue eyes dimmed to a dull blue. You were pretty confident that if he could grow facial hair, he'd be sporting a full beard.

"Connor, oh my God. You just...wow."

"I know, I look like a homeless man, shut up."

"Okay, you're definitely getting out of this apartment." 

“Y/N, no.”

“Connor, yes.” You used the same tone back on him as you pushed passed him to enter.

Surprisingly the nicely designed apartment was nearly spotless besides the empty pizza box and half a two liter coke sitting on the coffee table. However, the house had lost its usual smell and its comes to help you realize that it was Felix's cologne that surrounded these walls. Connor always wore something light with a fruity scent whereas Felix wore some heavy polo cologne.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You haven't left this apartment in a month." You deadpanned."The only time you do leave is for groceries."

Connor didn't say anything as he plopped into his couch. You took a seat beside him and watched as he picked at a string on shirt that you realized belong to Felix, the difference between their height causing it to be a little longer on him. You two sat in a comforting silence until he finally broke it.

"Have you seen Felix?" He asked his eyes darting away from you the second you made eye contact.

"You don't know where he is?"

"We haven't uh...He won't return my calls or texts." He shrugged."Im actually kind of worried because if he's with some other guys getting comforted he might not ever come back,because that's how I met him and-"

"Connor, Felix's been sleeping on my couch for the past month."

"And you didn't fucking say anything?!"

"I thought you knew!"

"Oh my fucking God, Y/N! All this time I could've been banging on your door trying to win him back instead of thinking he was on the other side of town or some shit!"

"All you had to do was ask." You said as you crossed your arms."I thought you were ignoring him on purpose."

"Of course I'm not ignoring him. I saw Felix as my future husband, I'm not letting him go."

You noticed the tears in his eyes and sighed, opening up your arms and gesturing for him to hug you. You knew the blonde most likely hadn't spoke a word about the breakup to anyone and had been alone in his apartment letting it all out. He sobbed loudly on your shoulder as you rubbed comforting circles on his back.

"I miss him so fucking much."

"He misses you too, C."

"I wouldn't fucking know. He's being so bitchy about the whole thing and-and-"

"Shhh, it's gonna be okay." You reassured."I'm gonna get you two back together, I don't care how long it takes."

"Promise?"

"I promise." You held out your pinky finger and Connor laughed through his tears, wrapping his pinky around yours."So, I'm gonna talk to him and we're definitely having a girls day tomorrow, okay? Give you time to get back to your fabulous self."

"It's a date." He agreed, ruffling the curls on top of your head.

"Felix, we still need to talk!" You shouted as you made your way into your apartment, placing your purse down on the coffee table. "Felix?!"

You saw that he was missing from his usual spot on the couch and went to check the other rooms in the apartment to see if he was there or not. You told him while you were out earlier running errands that when you arrived back home, you'd have along talk about his relationship situation. You weren't really too surprised to find out he went ghost on you tonight.

"Of course he leaves when we have to talk about Connor." You said out loud, rolling your eyes in annoyance. As you went to enter your kitchen you stopped in your tracks after spotting several gifts on along the countertop. "The hell?"

There sat three dozen roses, a large bag, and two other boxes placed neatly on the marble isle. Your eyebrows were furrowed as you searched for a note or something regarding as to where this all came from. Your initial thought was that Felix went shopping and just so happened to buy roses since those were his favorite flowers, but you knew deep down exactly where this came from. As you finally found a small card tucked neatly in one of the roses, you couldn't fight the smile that made its way to your face at the sight of his handwriting.

I'm sorry about what happened this morning and well I guess last night too. I don't regret it, but I do apologize. Hope you can forgive me, princess. - Cal

You reread the note over and over again, soon allowing giggles to escape your lips. It was like you were in ninth grade with your first crush all over again. You smelled the roses and felt the softness of the petals along your fingertips. Then you suddenly felt extremely excited as you pulled the paper from the bag to reveal a new Louis Vuitton Speedy 30 and you squealed at the sight of it. How Calum remembered that you wanted this purse before everything went down, you had no idea. You even forgot that you wanted the purse. You gently placed it back into the bag before opening the larger box first which happened to be a large assortment of chocolate covered strawberries. There was another note tucked inside, but this one was computer generated letting you know it came shipped with them.

I remember you told me chocolate covered strawberries were "to die for" on our second date. Please don't die, though :) - Cal xxx

"Idiot." You mumbled out as you picked one up, moaning as the sweetness of the chocolate and strawberries juice filled your mouth.

You gasped as you saw that the third and last box contained a beautiful heart shaped pendant encrusted with diamonds around it. In the middle were the simple letters "C.H." engraved in a beautiful cursive font.

"He didn't." You whined to yourself as you examined the necklace in disbelief.

You had always joked about getting his name on a necklace so that everyone could know you were his, but it was always all jokes to you. The necklace was cute, yet subtle. You really had to see the necklace up close to see the small letters and that's exactly what you liked. Only you and a few people would actually know the true meaning of the necklace.

Before you could come to your senses and get over the elated feeling, you had your phone in you hand waiting for Calum to pick up his phone. Once the sound of his voice came through you grinned wider than you were before.

"It's kinda hard to be mad at you and push you out of my life when you're buying me gifts."

"That's good news, then."

"Thank you, Cal."

"It's nothing, really. " he blushed on the other side of the phone."You deserve it after all I've put you through. I know it can't make up for it, but it's a start."

"Yeah, I guess so."

There was an awkward silence until Calum broke it , attempting to make conversation." So...whatcha doin?"

"I just got home, I guess I was gonna shower."

"Do you think we could uh...we could talk on the phone like we used to?" He questioned nervously.

"Where's Nicole?"

"She's not here. Are you seriously going to always bring her up?"

"I am." You confirmed.

"When you told me you were petty, I didn’t take you serious.”

“Oh, I bet you wish you would’ve prepared yourself then.” You flopped onto your bed and leaned back against the multiple pillows that were placed at the head of it.

“Nah.”He chuckled.”I’m pretty sure I can handle it.”

#Calum hood #Calum hood imagines #Calum hood fanfic #Calum hood blurbs #sugardaddy!cal #Calum hood one shot #Calum hood au #5sos #5sos fanfic #5sos imagines #5sos one shots #5sos blurbs #5sos text au #sugardaddy!5sos #five seconds of summer #five seconds of summer imagines #five seconds of summer one shots #five seconds of summer blurbs #five seconds of summer fanfic #five seconds of summer au #Luke hemmings #Luke hemmings imagines #Michael Clifford #Michael Clifford imagines #Ashton Irwin #Ashton Irwin imagines

[thedegenerateasexual]

more let’s talk about love under the cut, chapters 17-26:

chapter 17:

this is fully just a feenie and alice fight and tbh feenie is so in the wrong it’s ridiculous

“[Ryan] thinks we ditched you last night.”

“You did ditch me.” She laughed a little.

“Yeah. Well. Anyway, just call him.”

Alice couldn’t even pretend to be mad. Ryan had to be the sweetest person on the planet and besides, it had all worked out. “So you’re just not going to apologize?” she joked.

“Are you going to apologize?” Feenie shot back.

“For what?”

“For fucking leaving.”

(Ah, there it was.)

(Damn it.)

“Um, well, not to be petty, but you left me first.”

“We went upstairs. You actually left the party. That is not the same thing.” She looked Alice right in the eyes. “I’m not going to apologize for having sex with my boyfriend when you fucking jumped ship the first chance you got because you couldn’t stand being alone for thirty minutes. Miss me with that bullshit.”

WOW

dude she was ASSAULTED and could have been RAPED you do not get to be like that lmao it was unsafe for her to be there alone

so much for feenie being the good egg

chapter 18:

so she’s telling takumi about the fight and feenie and ryan and:

“Tell me about them. What do you like most?”

“Ryan is the literal light of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as considerate and driven as him. He’s all-around amazing. And Feenie, well, she’s my oldest friend and soulmate. Her word, not mine, but I believe it,” Alice said before laughing at a random memory that popped into her head. “When we were little, people used to call us Ebony and Ivory, which is kind of offensive now that I’m thinking about it.”

“But she’s dating Ryan? And you’re okay with that?” The back end of her taco fell onto her plate with a small bit of it landing on her shirt. Takumi passed her some napkins.

“Oh, it’s not like a romantic kind of soulmate,” she said, dabbing her shirt. “Feenie’s pretty hardcore, but she has her sentimental moments. Once she said if reincarnation were real, we’d meet each other in every single life because nothing can keep us apart. We’re meant to be.”

He looked confused. “If you’re soulmates, aren’t you supposed to be in love with each other? That’s how it works.”

“I suppose it could be romantic or whatever, but she has Ryan. They’re meant to be right now, but we’re meant to be forever, if that makes sense.”

He finished chewing before saying, “Not really.”

Oh Boy

omg aw he offered to let her crash at his place for a bit until it blows over

“I never lived with my best friends, but I know what it’s like when they start dating and suddenly, everything feels like them versus you and they’re all you have. You don’t have to slink around feeling terrible. If you need space, I have space.”

She wanted to kiss his cheek.

Kiss. His. Cheek.

alice is so gone. i have only liked someone enough to voluntarily kiss their cheek one (1) time. it’s a rare feeling. i guess she cheek kisses more than i do tho. she platonically cheek-kisses!

hahahahaha and so since he’s babysitting his nieces that evening guess who gets roped into it! i would probably literally kiss a stranger on the cheek before i willingly interacted with their children alone

chapter 19:

while crashed out at takumi’s alice looks at one of his photography albums:

Near the end of the album, it happened: Takumi and the girl kissing.

“Wow, you’re real fond of that whole kissing thing.”

“And you’re not?”

“I don’t dislike kissing.” Alice closed that album and picked another. “I also don’t take pictures of myself while doing it.”

alice u liar u hate kissing

haha look at her fishing around to see if it’s safe tho

“So,” Alice began, drawing out the word, “kissing is important to you?”

“Honestly expressing my feelings is important to me.” He flipped a page. There were several pictures of a bonfire at night. A Southeast-Asian guy with dewy brown skin was wrapped in a red blanket, laughing in one photo. “Sometimes that means kissing. Or spending three days editing photos and videos together for my brother. Or letting a girl I just met stay in my house and look through my pictures because she’s scared to go home.”

i cannot BELIEVE he is being so smooth when she is literally going thru pics of him & his ex...also like How Candid honestly

“I spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out. Like, my feelings and sorting through my thoughts. I don’t think I overthink, but I like to know why things are the way they are for me and why they’re different for someone else.”

“I think everyone does that.”

“No, they don’t. At least, I don’t think they do. Not the way I do it,” she said. “So. Like. If I ask you something and it seems strange, I’m not being weird, I’m trying to understand.”

ACE MOOD like i said it’s a contemplative existence

chapter 20:

aw man alice went back to therapy after all just to talk about feenie and ryan (theyre still not speaking)

it’s not a v long chapter but anyways

chapter 21:

Ryan caved first.

THANK GOD

Feenie took longer to come around. No one mentioned anything, let alone apologized. Her simply consisted of asking Alice if Family Night for that week could be on Thursday. When she had learned Alice had been hiding at Takumi’s, she curiously had nothing to say, no questions to ask, no teasing jokes to make Alice squirm.

yikes

yk tho for real feenie is a really well written character...like alice, you want to like her, but part of you also wonder if the relation has played its course, which is heartbreaking. nice job 10/10

anyway she and ryan are hanging out and takumi called her from a bar for a ride lol he’s hammered 

and ryan like...really really tried to get her to not leave again and she kissed him on the cheek again? and before i was like, aw, cute, how platonic! and now i am Wary of both ryan and feenie. like is he emotionally cheating on feenie with her...is that a thing...i don’t like it

OH SHIT back at his house he’s gotten kind of rambly and:

“If you were dating someone, and you knew they loved you with their whole heart, had absolutely no doubts about it, could you cheat on them?”

Obviously, that question sent her mind into overdrive, connecting all the dots. A roommate who moved out suddenly. A part-time job to cover his rent. Essie telling her he’s single “now.”

Takumi had a someone.

A someone who had, apparently, cheated on him.

hhhhholy shit

“Me personally?” she asked finally. “No. I mean, it’s highly unlikely.”

Cheating on someone was one of those things she was destined to never understand. Choosing to not have sex with someone else didn’t seem like that hard of a concept to grasp, and yet she had comforted more than one person who had been cheated on.

you should NOT have to be ace to understand this shit why are people Like this

So he told her.

All of it.

Everything Alice did and didn’t want to know.

Takumi and his ex-girlfriend and former almost-wife, Rena, had started dating in college when they were nineteen. And it just … worked. They had gone to the same college, lived together for two years, and then earlier this year, she cheated on him. She had always been a social butterfly (his words) and an innocent flirt (her words), but when it came to some guy named Thad (Alice’s words: “Really? That’s his name?”), that innocence fluttered. Except it wasn’t only Thad. She cheated again with someone else. And once more for good measure before they broke up.

They began talking again a few weeks ago, very tentative (his words). Tomorrow night, they were supposed to have dinner to talk about being friends again and possiblyseeing if that could lead somewhere back to being together, but he had seen her kissing some guy downtown earlier. Which was why he was so drunk. He realized that even though she might have missed him (her words), she didn’t really want to be with him anymore (his words).

Y I K E S

ohhh man this is so sweet though like he asked her for relationship advice and she totally fumbled through it because of limited experience but she honest-to-god tried her best

chapter 22:

lol alice’s mom called and is on her ass about being a lawyer again...alice was like gimme 3 weeks to come up w/ a new plan bc i cant deal w/ being a lawyer im proud of her

oh shit it’s feenie backstory time

“Marie called me yesterday.” Marie—Feenie’s mom. “She worked whatever connections she has and had my case for fighting that dude in the bar last year thrown out. Apparently, that gave her the right to interrogate me. She wanted to know when I was going back to school, why I was wasting my life, why I was embarrassing her like this.” Feenie exhaled. “I want to have a family with Ryan because that’s what’s right for me. I don’t get how me wanting to get knocked up and be a housewife affects her. She doesn’t want me to have kids, so she’s never going to see them. Even if I die, she will never see them.”

Alice knew that. She’d known it for years.

In elementary school, when they were told to be doctors and astronauts and firefighters, Feenie stood up and said she wanted to be a mom. Back then, her favorite game had been House. Feenie was always the stay-at-home mom, while Alice was the working mom, and they had seven stuffed-animal children. Feenie did all the cooking, cleaning, and made sure Alice had her newspaper when she got home from work.

She wanted to be everything Marie hadn’t been for her even then.

Their relationship ultimately died when Marie wished Feenie had never been born. She said Feenie ruined all the plans she’d had for herself.

ohhhhh honey ))): okay some of my waryness has abated no wonder she’s like that

oh nevermind feenie immediately bit her head off when she mentioned takumi feenie sucks

chapter 23:

movie night with takumi and alice!! not much to copypasta but this near the end:

She took a deep breath. “I’m not ready to share. I don’t want to tell you.”

It was his turn to fix her hood. (He knew not to touch her hair.) “Okay,” he said. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

But part of her did want to. Her secret shouldn’t even have been one—it should have been a nonissue. Why couldn’t being asexual just be accepted?

Why did she have to spend the rest of her life coming out over and over and over…? And once she did, would people always expect her to talk about it? It would always be a huge deal, she would always be subjected to questions, and she would always have to defend herself.

Would it ever stop feeling like A Thing, a barrier, between her and everyone else?

LITERALLY! god what a mood

chapter 24:

also short, but when alice spotted feenie shopping for wedding dresses and offered to come along we had this exchange:

Feenie clicked her tongue. “Sure you can pry yourself away from Takumi long enough to spend time with me?”

Alice sighed and stood up. Feenie didn’t stop her.

ok look 1. feenie was so disappointed they didnt bang and now this?? 2. she gets to ditch alice at the party to be with her BF but alice doesn’t get to date anyone?? wow

chapter 25:

i could have honestly pasted the entire thing because it’s so goddamn cute and i can’t pick a favorite part but the tl;dr is that takumi is sick and alice went over to take care of him and he kept talking about how great she was in a slightly fever-addled way

wait no i can paste my least favorite part:

“Yeah. I haven’t heard from him in two days, but he called in sick on Saturday.”

Ryan twirled the screwdriver between his fingers, focused. “Are you sure he’s actually sick?”

“It’s either that or he’s packing and needed some time off.” Alice shrugged. “He already signed the lease for his new place.”

“Maybe he’s doing something else that doesn’t involve you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ryan’s face was so open, so honest. It always told the truth before he was ready to speak.

(Basically, he couldn’t lie to save his life.)

“I just think it’s funny that you talk to him and see him every day and all of a sudden he disappears and doesn’t tell you why. I mean, you’re guessing he’s sick or packing. You don’t actually know.”

WHY are they being like this with her wow they are HORRIBLE best friends

also, theyre getting married in 6 months vs two years suddenly. feenie moved up the date :/

chapter 26:

ALICE AND FEENIE AND RYAN ARE FINALLY HAVING IT OUT:

“You spend a lot of time with him.”

“You two spend a lot of time together without me.”

“That’s different. We’re engaged.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for you both to remember I exist?”

“Of course not, but you shouldn’t edge us out. You’re the one making it as if it has to be him or us.”

“How am I doing that? And why is this all my fault? Why do you two have a Get Out of Ditching Alice pass that I’m supposed to accept because you say so? How is that fair to me?”

“We don’t ditch you,” Ryan said.

“You do. You have for years. I just don’t say anything because I don’t want us to fight, but the second I find an actual friend on my own, you two act like this. Neither of you said anything when I spent time with Margot. Why is Takumi suddenly different?”

shit dude! she’s right! and then feenie enters:

“Maybe we minded then and didn’t say anything either.”

Alice whipped around at the sound of Feenie’s voice. Feenie leaned against the refrigerator, arms crossed.

“Maybe,” she continued, “we were really hurt, but you were too busy being happy to notice. Just like right now.”

An enraged fierceness made the edges of Alice’s vision turn red. She balled her hands into fists. “I wouldn’t even have met Margot if you hadn’t decided to move in with Ryan at the last minute. The millisecond you two started dating, he came first. You started to choose him over me every single time.” She turned that rage on Ryan. “And you have always chosen her over me.” Her phone buzzed. “Takumi’s outside.” She slung her purse strap over her shoulder while marching for the door.

man this is fucking sad i hope they make this better somehow :/

anyway she goes to hang out w/ takumi and 

“You wound me, madam.” He clutched his chest, wincing. “Especially since it’s your fault. It’s hard not to have an ego when you’ve told me you love my beautiful face.”

“Shut it.”

“How beautiful are we talking here? What’s my code?”

She groaned. “Not this again.”

OMG IS SHE GONNA TELL HIM...i’m on the edge of my seat here

“Tell me and I’ll bake you cookies when I’m not sick.”

“What kind of cookies?” she asked, leaning back into his arms. “And you have to use real flour. None of that ultra-buckwheat high-fiber stuff.”

“Oatmeal chocolate chip?”

“Deal.” She stared at the ceiling. “Black. I’d like two dozen cookies, please.”

just shrieked

“Black? I thought the Cutie Code was Green to Red.”

“It is. Was.” The gears and wheels turning inside Alice’s head locked into place as realization sank in. Meeting Takumi had challenged everything she thought she knew about herself, made her work to find out who she was on a fundamental level. He challenged her in the best way possible, wholly unaware of the effect he had on her, pushing her so far out of her comfort zone she had to question everything. She had discovered, no, was still discovering, who she was now, who she wanted to be, what she could and could not handle. He had given her a reason to reconnect with herself.

Feenie had been right—this, he, would always be someone she would want to remember.

“You exceeded my Cutie Code,” she said. “You’re the reason why I retired it. I don’t need it anymore.”

NOOOOO she should keep her cutie code! don’t throw it away fro some boy! even a great boy! it’s too good!

“I need to tell you something.” She took a step back. “Like, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it because I need to tell you this first.”

O H S H I T HERE IT COMES

i know this is probably a happy book and he’ll accept her but i’m still so stressed out

“So you know how some people like jogging?”

“I’m one of those people, so yes.”

“Ah, yeah, okay. That worked out.” Her breathy laugh sounded forced. “So, you see, I am not one of those people. I don’t care about jogging.”

“Mmm…” He squinted at her for a moment. “Somehow, I knew that.”

“Oh, great. Good. This is going well.” Her hands began to shake. She pressed her fingers to her lips to steel herself before continuing. “Now take the word jogging and replace it with sex.”

“You don’t like sex?”

(Wow, he asked that fast.)

“No.” She held up her hand. “No, the correct sentence is I don’t care about sex.” She took a deep breath and held it. “Because I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”

HTAT’S A GREAT ANALOGY

that’s much better than my “i’m the way gay guys feel about girls and the way gay girls feel about guys all at the same time”

“Huh,” he said, face neutral. “I thought you were bisexual.”

“I am. Minus the sexual.” She waited, watching him process through her answer. She waited for the judgment, the questions, the confusion, the thoughtful concern followed by the inevitable interruptions. Second by second, it dawned on her that she waited in vain because he was waiting for her. “My sexuality is nope.” She laughed with relief because still, second by second, he continued to wait, to listen. So she laughed again, tiny bubbles of happy that floated out of her.

HES LISTENING TO HER I LOVE THIS NOBODY ELSE BOTHERED BUT HE’S LISTENING

“How many people have you told?”

“Explicitly? You’re number four. Feenie, Ryan, and a counselor I’m seeing.”

Takumi started to speak but closed his mouth and stood up straight, focusing on the counter. Each second he didn’t look at her made tiny seeds of dread bloom in the depths of her soul. “That’s why you’re happy,” he mumbled. He nodded as if he couldn’t stop and sighed before looking at her again. His eyes had taken on a glossy, reddened tint.

“Thank you for trusting me. Realizing that, um,” Takumi said, pausing for a moment, “that hit me kind of hard.”

“What do you mean?” Alice asked quietly.

“Four. Obviously, you’ve been keeping this a secret for a reason.”

She hadn’t been thinking about trust when she told him. Ryan and Feenie had been there when she figured it out (thank God). Dr. Burris had to pry it out of her, didn’t he? And she still couldn’t say the word properly to him. Telling Takumi had been a choice—not by chance or out of necessity. It was her decision, completely on her own.

(She trusted him.)

htis fucking book hasnt made me cry in like a dozen chapters and i thought the heavy shit was over but nooooooo

and like lol i keep saying this text is calling me out...not to get personal, Again, but literally u realize stuff about urself when you read shit like this...i always play like i’m so comfortable with everything but the truth is i put ace on my profile and let other people google it and it has nothing to do with me i never see it--i dont think i’ve ever told ANYBODY irl so like...tbh i couldn’t get it out as well as she did i bet like you go alice

“I wasn’t trying to have sex with you the other night,” he said. “And I am so, so sorry if I made you feel that way.”

He was so close and so far away, as if there was an imaginary pane of glass between them. She wanted him to hug her and make the tension go away.

“No, I didn’t think that at all. That’s not why I told you.”

“This should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, partly because I want to, but also because I think you need to hear it. If knowing you’re asexual makes someone see you differently, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. My feelings for you are exactly the same as they were an hour ago. This doesn’t change anything between us.”

HEYYYYYYYYYY YEAH!!!!! i’m so happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!! if anybody ever said anything like this to me i’d die on the spot!!!!!!!! YOU GO ALICE

gotta break this post here bc it’s getting long again, hopefully i can finish the rest of the book before dawn & in the next one

#personal #LTAL