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crowfromfoggyforest · 4 months

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"Stop excusing Rumple's actions by saying he's a coward. He's just power hungry. He has never been a coward before he became the Dark One."

"Rumple saying he broke his leg because he was afraid in s5e6 is a dumb retcon, he did it to be there for his son."

This might sound arrogant... but you don't get it. You don't get what all this is actually about. [tl;dr: only read the bolded parts. Also i'd be very happy if you read this, i'm basically explaining how Rumple became who he is.]

Of course he wasn't always a coward. No one is born a coward. And you're right, all of his actions before he became the Dark One were actually very brave. Becoming the Dark One just to save his son was brave too. And mutilating himself was probably the bravest thing he has ever done. Because he actually chose the harder and scarier option. Yes, he was afraid of the war, but he also knew that if he made himself an invalid on purpose, - not only would he make his life harder because medical care isn't great in the enchanted forest so it wouldn't heal well -, but also everybody would call him a coward. And putting up with all that makes him objectively brave.

But. BUT! I've already mentioned the important point: People calling him a coward. This didn't start when he came back from the war. His whole life, he got told that his father was a coward (although i never really got that part) and he had to live with that bad reputation. People expected him to become like his father. That's why he was happy to go to war - so he could prove he wasn't like his father. So he had this shadow over him his whole life: Everybody thinks i'm a coward like my father. I hope they're not right. What if they're right? Then, he injured himself to flee the war, and for everyone he knew, it was proof that he was actually a coward. If everybody constantly told you who you are - wouldn't you start believing them? Of course, at first, he kept repeating to himself that he was actually brave. But even his own wife kept telling him he should have bravely died in the war! So he probably thought: Well, i had good intentions. But apparently, the objectively brave decision would have been to fight in the war. So maybe i am a coward. Probably inherited it from my father... (Keep in mind he hated that thought because his father was a terrible person.) Same goes for running away when his son was supposed to go to war: We as the audience know it's the only logical thing to do to save his son, but to him, his decision was just proof that running away "is what he's good at". At that point, he already believed what people said about him.

In my opinion, he has always been afraid of things - of course he has. Growing up without your parents must be scary. Growing up in a world where powerful people can take everything away from you at any moment must be scary. But he never really acted cowardly - until people convinced him he did. They taught him fear + logical action/ getting yourself and your loved ones to safety = cowardice. Or in short: fear -> cowardice.

So my first point is: When he multilated himself, he was scared, but not a coward. But people have convinced him he was. So what he tells Belle in s5e6 is the truth from his perspective, because in his manipulated memory, his fear was the reason for his action.

My second point is: He actually did become a coward. When he became the dark one, he said something very important: "I'm not scared of anything." For the first time in his life, he doesn't have to be afraid. His fear, the thing that made him hateable in is opinion, is finally gone - he doesn't risk doing cowardly things anymore. He won't be like his father anymore. His power allows him to protect Bae, but it also allows him to escape the one thing that has weighted on him his whole life. He feels free now, and he doesn't want to let go of that feeling, ever. So when Bae wants him to go to the land without magic, his main thought is: If i lose my magic, i become a coward again. Weak, scared. I'll become like my father again. He's terribly scared of being scared again, because in his mind, that means he will become a coward again. Of course, he also simply doesn't want to be weak again - but in his mind, this is linked to being a coward. And his fear is so strong that he lets go of Bae's hand. This is actually one of the most tragic things about Rumple: He actually becomes a coward for the first time because he doesn't want to be a coward. (On the same note, he also becomes like his father because he doesn't want to become like his father.)

And the fact that he left his son was the final proof for Rumple that the others were right. From that point on, he was actually a coward, because he believed he was. If this sounds weird to you: Yes, this is actually how psychology works. Your perception of yourself influences who you are. So from now on, every time he was afraid of something, he kind of gave himself permission to act cowardly because he thought that was who he was anyways. And most of the time, that thing he's afraid of is losing his power. Because yes, ironically, tragically, the thing he's most afraid of is still being a coward again. That's still what makes him a coward. (The second thing he's scared of is love - the reason for that is all the people abandoning him in his past + his regret because of Bae. So the reason for him rejecting Belle in s1e12 is actually mostly his trauma, but once again, he sees it as proof that he's a coward.)

If you don't believe me, if you're still saying "no no Rumple was actually just power hungry", look at this scene in s5e6. Yes, he hated losing his power. But not because he didn't have control over people anymore or anything like that. More than anything, he hated becoming the person he was before becoming the Dark One. A coward.

So yes, his goal is often to keep his power, but the motive behind that is fear - the fear of becoming who people convinced him he was, of becoming like his father. And he also wanted to be able to protect his loved ones. The only part where i will accept the "power hungry" argument is in s4, see this post i made.

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mcltiples · 3 days

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{ OOC / HC } I think this song is important to Valentino's character, especially in relationships (and even more so with his relationship with Angel Dust). He doesn't really value love -- or at least romantic love -- and can't really feel it.

So he very much fits into the aromantic spectrum.

However, when he's with someone sexually -- especially with someone who's fragile and can be manipulated with the idea of love -- he has to problem faking it to keep them close to him. He wants to keep people under his thumb, preventing them from leaving. It's not that he has abandonment issues, but he finds the idea that anyone could leave him insulting.

If anything, his value is more towards sexual relationships. He uses it as a weapon, a manipulation tactic. If he can make you feel good, imagine what else he can do for you. It's his way of reminding the person that they could be something more -- without actually putting real feelings into place.

#{ you're a sky full of stars. ooc posts }#{ headcanon ; 🎬 }#{ once again i'm putting way too much effort into a request only muse fhsdjkds }#{ also this song has been stuck in my head all day so i thought i would write down a headcanon about it fsdhjkfd }

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chickenparm · 2 years

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WIP uhhhhhhhhhhh MONDAY

@henbased @adelaidedrubman @euaveri show me what u got

i'm writing this for the sole purpose of tricking someone very specific in the Parm Palace to get into Genshin by enticing her with morally-bankrupt science guy. wish me luck.

Dottore/f!Reader this one most definitely will be NSFW but this preview is SFW (and also unedited so there's that)

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“Looks like it’s all functioning properly. How’s it feel?”

“Doesn’t feel like anything.”

“Yeah, deadening your pain receptors will do that, I suppose.” And for good measure, you pinch at the bone of his shoulder blade that sits far too close to the surface of his skin. The Balladeer winces, and that’s all the confirmation you need to understand he’s putting on a brave face.

Through grit teeth, he backtracks as he sits upright. It puts him closer to you, enough that you can feel the way his coldness saps your body heat. “They’re seated in my bones. They don’t feel good.”

Your palm presses to his back, fingers splayed in a way that one of the ports you’d installed sits snugly in the space between your thumb and forefinger. Subtly, he leans back into it. Against your usual antagonism when it comes to The Balladeer, you decline to goad him for something so ridiculous and instead let him leech whatever it is that he’s looking for from you right now.

As ill-equipped as you are to offer it, if this is his odd way of seeking out comfort, you’ll let him do something so harmless.

“Until you’re seated in the machine, it’s going to feel unnerving. If there’s pain, we can manage it further. Otherwise I’d be loading you with chemicals that would be superfluous.”

“You mean it’s better to just suffer.” Not a question - a statement.

Humming, you pull your hand away and push the knuckle of your forefinger into the space between his top vertebrae, then absently drag it down while counting. When you get to four, you pause and glance at the way his head has fallen forward, the hair at the nape of his neck shifting enough that you can see the electro symbol branded on his skin.

“Are you suffering?”

“…I’m not sure.”

“Well, let me know when you figure it out. In the meantime-” your Akasha buzzes. Dottore has arrived after days of absence. Not that you needed him around with how he’d send his orders through various Fatui agents. The singular entrance is behind you, and so is the Doctor with unnerving silence.

You’re unsure of exactly how far away he’s stopped, but it feels as if he’s pressing into your back. Dottore looms over you even from across the room, using only his presence and the eyes that you cannot see. Palm to The Balladeer’s back, you turn a half-step to look at Dottore and note that you weren’t too far off the mark. All it would take is for you to reach a hand out to touch him.

“Am I interrupting?”

“Would it matter if you were?” If your attitude phases him, it doesn’t show. Your thumb finds the space between spine and shoulder blade, pushing just enough that it eases the smallest bit of strain on The Balladeer’s muscles caused by the intrusions. “Get dressed. Come back if you need me, otherwise give it a few days and we’ll check again.”

His answer is to lean back enough for your thumb to dig in again before he’s sliding off the table and tugging his loose shirt over his head. The air is so stifling, it’s no wonder he doesn’t give you a single glance as he leaves the room. Leaves you - with Dottore. Alone.

“That’s unwise of you. I thought you were better than that.”

“Better than following your orders and doing exactly what you laid out to be done? What’s that say about you?”

Tense is the only way to describe the lull between your question and his answer. Reading Dottore is unlike anyone you’ve met before, and it’s next to impossible to understand what he might be feeling when you push him so callously. There are no tells, there is no tightening of muscles or straightening of posture. His head doesn’t even tilt as he simply regards you in the moment that hangs between.

Finally, he inhales, and you wonder if perhaps that should sound as much as it does to a headsman’s axe slicing through the air. There’s no mistaking that it’s aimed for your neck.

“Come with me.” Dottore’s hand comes from behind his back, palm up as if to beckon you to take it. A bit of derision seeps into your gaze as you stare at his offering, everything screaming inside of you that this must be a trap. The quick jerk of his fingers beckoning you is the final warning - and with hesitation, you heed it.

The gloves are impersonal, keeping your bare skin from his own and serving as a more than sufficient barrier between the two of you. If only they were thicker, if only the wall between was just a little higher. Dottore steps backward - once, twice, then turns and guides you to the table where the notes you’d been looking over for The Balladeer’s visit today are laid out.

The attempt you make to pull your hand away is thwarted with how his fingers lace with your own. Gently at first, almost tender, but that air of tranquility changes swiftly as he loses the calm he’d been wearing as a mask. Tighter and tighter, he grips until your knuckles ache and your teeth grind together to keep from crying out.

“Show me the instructions I left that detail how familiar you’re meant to become with Scaramouche. Take your time - I’ve cleared my schedule just now.”

#wip #work in progress #dottore #il dottore #dottore x reader #f reader #female reader #afab reader #just snack #i thought i was going to finish this over the weekend #but i'm 6k words in and it was ambitious for me to think i'd not put way too much effort into this #anyway enjoy #or don't #i'm gonna post this publicly but tbh it's mostly to trick my victim into making dottore art someday #god willing i won't give up

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bonebrokebuddy · 3 months

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Aw man, just reread my document I wrote on my speculation on how the metagene works & how modern DC could rewrite it to being a result of retroviruses & transposons and man, I really wish I finished that post.

Unfortunately, the reason I stopped was explaining it all down to the point where someone with little genetic knowledge could still understand it proved to be too lengthy and long winded of a task.

Maybe one day I’ll pour myself back into research & finish that speculative paper. Bc I had a whole fun idea that relied on that background information that was about the Daily Planet reporting on the discovery of an entire city of metas with similar meta abilities. The town faced such high levels of radiation and contamination, only the population with the meta gene survived:(

#The meta ability was just super perfect cell replication.#No changes outward. They appear perfectly normal #to be clear. ppl still age. the power is just that their cells are super good at replicating the way they’re meant to #Zero chance of tumors or damaged DNA due to the radiation because their meta ability just resumes them to their previous state.#the city blows up afterward in the news cycle due to people trying to go there so they don’t die from cancer.#and don’t have a risk of cancer BUT THE CITY IS STILL IRRADIATED AS HELL AND THE PPL THAT ENTER CANNOT LEAVE #DUE TO THEM BECOMING SO RADIOACTIVE THEYRE A HAZARD TO BE CLOSE TO WITHOUT PPE #i just thought it was such a fun idea and me being me I overthink the shit outta things & made it super long and overcomplicated #because I wanted people to also learn what retroviruses & transposons were bc they’re cool as hell #and by the time I wrote 5K words on it #I didn’t want to take the shortcut and just embed other ppl’s videos explaining it bc I had already put too much effort into it #for me to delete that research #bones speaks #the cause? the city was built ontop a large kryptonite meteor.#and someone (cough cough LexCorp. but no one actually has enough legal proof to say it’s them)#and when it’s investigated. it appears that someone (cough cough LexCorp. there’s not any legal proof that can pin it on them.#so lexcorp once again escapes scott free without evidence of villany)#has been digging tunnels under the city and excavating it. the excavation not following proper mining protocols caused the city’s ground #and water supply to become extremely irradiated to the point where it’s like when ppl were just eating & drinking uranium products.#actually imma stop myself here & make this it’s own post #anyways. the radioactive bit gets figured out due to the poorly constructed tunnels collapsing and the city conducting an investigation #leading to a ‘oh shit. the Geiger counter is saying this sinkhole is Super radioactive.’#to ‘HOLY SHIT THATS THE ENTIRE TOWN’#to ‘wait fuck how are we still alive? to ‘a weirdly high percentage of folks in the town had metagenes so not a super significant amount #of ppl has died from abnormal lookin cancer.’ to ‘oh my god everyone that doesn’t have the meta gene here is slowly dying get them Out Now’#bones writes in the tags #anyways. that’s kinda the story #I’ll rewrite the tags into a proper post and see if I can revise it so my paper isn’t needed to make some plot points work #bc it’s a Far simpler explanation than the one I wrote in the doc so I’ll base it off of this version instead

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roostertuftart · 2 years

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I hate the people who needlessly villainize Kyle but I am also not loving what feels like a general insistence that Kyle’s intentions must be perfectly pure and he can’t have any selfish/problematic thoughts or behaviour and his anger can never be misplaced

#LIKE I agree with most of these as a general but guys!! he can be a dick!#he sometimes defaults of anger unnecessarily and quicker than others (probs bc he’s learned this response as a defense mech)#idk there’s probs more points I could present and I don’t think this is a problem with one person #even if I was spurred on by a post that came off a little like this to me #it’s just a general culture in the fandom I’m starting to see #I get it! I get the frustration with him being depicted as secretly bad inside #I hate it too. it’s really unfounded stuff that puts down the genuine food we’ve seen of him and his obvious effort to do what’s right #but like. idk. as much as I like uplifting his character as good I don’t like seeing this weirdness about him ever holding a selfish thought #or doing s problematic #Idk im getting rambly. it just feels like how the fandom either goes far one way or far the other when it’s a little more center leaning in #reality #I think also im uncomfortable with this bc a lot of these behaviour people criticize literally feel like trauma responses/etc #or really understandable learned behaviour. stuff like that. and treating it like it’s just him being depicted as bad when it’s moreso him #being depicted with unhealthy behaviour bc of the bad stuff that has happened to him makes me kinda pissed #he has trauma!! traumatized people tend to develop unhealthy habits and it’s okay to depict that especially when the show supports these #ideas even if only through humour #like do what you want ofc say what you want but yeah that’s my take #kyle broflovski #me talking #i gotta make a post about my feelings on kyle being shown as angry without reason too bc I agree it’s annoying in some cases #where he’s just a nasty bitch about anything for no reason bc haha angry character #but also it can be done right in the manner of this kid is stressed the fuck out and sometimes reacts unhealthily with anger bc it’s defense #this is not about the kyman zine to be clear idk how anyone would confuse this post for defending it but making sure #in general I’m still super defensive of Kyle being an extremely good person I’m just also defensive of Kyle being depicted as having #realistic struggles that make sense for the trauma he’s experienced and how these can somehow be toxic for himself and other people and #result in him sometimes doing bads bc being blinded by anger/getting angry quickly as a stress response/etc

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struungout · 1 year

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hmm…something tells me people really like michelle.

#that post of her in her current outfit has over 120 notes now that’s insane for me lmao #always funny to me that the posts of mine that usually get a lot of attention online are the #‘look at my doll’s new outfit’ snapshots bahaha #and just generally the pictures that i don’t really put any real thought or effort into other than ‘lookit my pretty doll’#not a complaint just an observation i think is interesting #glad people like my sense of fashion tho BD #aaaaayyyyyyy #really do be half the reason i love dolls #they’re an excellent way to play with fashion without having to wear weird things myself #i’m very much a leggings + top type of person when dressing myself #i’m too messy and thoughtless to be trusted with nice clothes bahaha #personal bloggity

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dreampedia · 1 year

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Quick Mio Edits( 01 / ?? )

#♡ ┋ ᴍɪᴏ ᴀᴋɪᴍᴏᴛᴏ ┋ ♡ 「 visuals. 」#now i say 'quick' but ngl i put way more effort into this than i needed to #i just thought this outfit was VERY VERY miocore and i couldn't let go #but she hasn't posted any selfies in this outfit for normal quick edits so i made a graphic out of fancam screencaps :)#is this excessive? perhaps #is it very mio? YEA #this is sooooo messy but it was just for fun so i don't mind too much

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asherashedwings · 2 years

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Imagine: Sun casually popping out his eyes and just. Painting them. Since they’re blank.

#fnaf #fnaf daycare attendant #fnaf sun #I thought about it one day and now I can’t stop thinking about it #fnaf sb #doodles #not really #I put way too much effort into this #sundrop #AshedWings Art #AshedWings post

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orcelito · 2 years

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Listen I know I've talked about it before but it sure is a Feeling to know there r teens reading my writing n here I am putting my heart and soul out there in this thing that's like "I remember what it's like to be a mentally ill teenager, You're Not Alone" & there r very definitely teenagers reading it

& more ppl obviously, & this kind of reaching out applies to more than just teenagers, but teenagers r just so vulnerable & inexperienced in the world. Everything is still formative. So me putting this stuff out there trying to include Messages I learned through just trial and error re: relationships and whatnot. & knowing that there Are people it applies to. I'm just like. Man .

#speculation nation #like no pressure lol #this is too many words to describe the feeling but it's a specific sort of feeling #knowing there r teenagers looking up to me & in this way i am reaching out to them & trying to live up to their expectations #& i know this is probably not the common thought among fanfic writers lmao but like #a: i rly wanna b able to support vulnerable teenagers however i can #& b: im Writing teenagers too. so it rly matters that this stuff is Applicable.#it does kinda help that im writing teenagers in 2016 lol. which is only a Little younger than me #who turned 18 in 2015 lol. so i dont have to worry about How Things Are for teenagers these days #just writing my own perspective of the time. tho with the consideration of the different culture norms #so like same technology different society. tho with Research i try to make up for that cultural difference as much as i can #AND ULTIMATELY. it's fanfic. if it's not 100% accurate no one's gonna care lol #i already put way too much effort into my research #mx 'how do forensic dna samples work' 'do police require dna logging' 'japanese journalism privacy laws' etc etc etc #fuck man my search history has seen some shit JUST today. tho that is uhh off topic from the original post lmfao #now why would i need to search for that stuff? doooont worry about it #but yea writing! i sure am thinking about it. i always am...

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therepublicofletters · 2 years

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is it okay if i ask what filter you use for your insta feed because it's beautiful ahsksh

Aww thank you! I actually use different filters for each photo and spend probably too much time comparing images and trying to figure out how to make the colors fit nicely with what's next to and below each photo. But usually I tend towards Lark, Juno, and Slumber, Crema, and Ludwig.

#personal correspondence #people are nice #this is why i never post on ig i put way too much thought and effort into it #which is also why i was given the medici ig job #and now i spend all my time there instead of on my own page 😂

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phoebelovingcare · 3 months

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THE NEXT PERSON WHO SAYS IT DOESN'T WORK GETS PUBLICLY EXECUTED VIA HAMMERCAR (check reblogs for further info)

"what's it like to use nightshade/glaze?"

so based on my own experience I thought I'd make this more transparent since I know a lot of people hesitate to take action on some things if they do not know Exactly what happens. it's me i'm people. So;

Nightshade takes about 30 minutes on its fastest setting. The end result tends to look like mild jpeg artifacting, very slightly creased paper, or just brush texturing. Looking at it normally, it is undetectable. Glaze is very visually similar, given the strategy, except that Glaze's longest time setting is 5 minutes.

You put in a file, select how much you want it affected and for how long you want it to render. For Nightshade, you also attach a tag to it, that way AI finds what it's looking for with an associated word. You select a folder for the final result to save to, then hit run.

It takes a lot of GPU/CPU. The fans on my laptop sound a bit like I'm running Minecraft, and it refuses to run if you have too many programs open. I could run Youtube and Nightshade at the same time, but Youtube did Not like it. Best to just take a break while you let it do its thing. Run Nightshade before you go out or something.

It does NOT like transparent png backgrounds. Makes me wonder how AI does with 'em. Anyways, running a backgroundless drawing through Glaze and Nightshade respectively makes it turn out like this:

creasing effect is more noticeable, and it adds strange blocky black and white backgrounds to it. If you want good results for your time, be that less than 1 minute or 180 minutes, consider getting rid of the transparency.

I would post a before and after picture of a Nightshaded piece but of course, I would like to post exclusively poison on this site.

As one last note, it took me a lot of effort to find where you're actually supposed to download these tools, so Glaze is here and Nightshade is here. Overall I highly recommend using them if you can. Don't let AI run you off of your sites: run the AI out yourself.

#anti ai #protect your art #nightshade #glaze #webglaze #anti ai art #pheb speaks

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raspberryspace · 10 months

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I hope you can accept who I am. I forever will always accept you as you are.

I’m tired of trying to string together some semblance of my current emotions only to be met with nothing. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of crying in my car. I can only claw at the hope that you never felt like I intentionally did this. I only ever wanted to reciprocate the feelings I had so deep within from one soul to another. You opened and grew my world as I know it. you irreplaceably shaped the goals and values I carry on today. I wanted and will always want to repay that. To reciprocate that pure partnership. Yet I own up and know just how fucking bad my naivety and unawareness was. I never wanted that. I only ever wanted the connection. I was so lonely and latched on to anything. I’m so sorry it had to be you. Im so sorry. I just want that love back it was never out of obligation. Ever. I was going through so much. I have cried over it too much to not second guess and fight this hard for it. I want it back so fucking badly. And I know it’s not the memories pushing this, it’s what created them. I know so many external factors plagued you. I know you made that decision. I just want to make sure it was truly the right one. But that’s just what I want. If I’m selfish then so be it but I want that back for the both of us. That feeling of finding that perfect puzzle piece that fits. My gut wrenches away at me daily- desperately trying to get me to not let go. To not give up. I want to work on this. I, I, I. I, am so fucking stupid. You’ve shown me through actions that you don’t want to talk. I can’t change any of that. I can only type these vague posts into the ether praying that you read them. I’m tired. I never wanted to do you wrong. I can’t ever ask for your forgiveness. I just want to ask if we can try to heal this. My chest aches for you too. I miss you profoundly. You paint the stars overhead every night. I just want to support you and serve you water when you’re thirsty late at night. I want to drive you around while you knit. Wah. I need to be present and in the moment for myself. I need to pour myself a glass of water. I’m grateful to have myself to do that. I’m glad I hold onto the values I have. It’s okay to give too much.

I can’t justify anything I just wish you would hear me.

There isn’t anything in this life worth fighting more over than this. I can’t shake this feeling that’s so rooted within me. I cant let this fall to the wayside.

It wasn’t your fault, I know why you had to do it. Can we start again?

God it feels like it just happened two days ago

Hate being bombarded with all these narratives on how to act or what to do, every single relationship is such a unique set of circumstances. Not everything is just block and ghost. No wonder people find it so difficult these days. No one fights for perfection, you adopt each others flaws and perfect them.

The people that you’re meant to have in your life won’t need persuading or convincing.

I’m ignorant to the fact that if you wanted to text me you would. But I want to text

You because I miss you. But you don’t. You don’t miss me. You don’t express that at least.

Music that makes you dance a little bit in your seat on a long drive is something to smile at.

My heart will always skip a beat for you, missing you next to us as we grow and discover this world. You’ll always be in my heart. At every corner of the globe. I won’t sit back and wait- there are places I want to see before I die. It hurts me like no other that I have to go without you, but rest assured I’m taking pictures for you. Taking pictures of you there. Taking pictures.

I wish I could go back and do so many things over again. I wish I wish I wish I wish.

What made you believe it wasn’t truly genuine, it wasn’t truly from the depths of my heart. What made it selfish to me? I think that’s what hurts the most. That and we were just starting. We just closed the distance and we’re going to begin the greatest journey of our life. Together. Just gone. Gone with no hesitation. A pro and con list. That also will forever stay with me.

Who knew spoiling myself with trips and cool clothes would make me sort of happy. Not a fulfilling as treating someone else, I don’t think my personality allows that to ever be the case unfortunately. I do love women’s wear so much though, I want to dress someone up.

I became secure and confident within our space, left to expose the insecurities and issues. Now I feel so lost.

You’ve always had to be patient when dealing with my emotions - I hope you’ve noticed my change in dealing with them. I’m a bit faster now, I’m standing up for the little guy in me more that’s for sure. I wish I could tell you all that I’ve been reflecting on. I know you probably don’t want to hear it.

I hope you’ll remember me on a sad day when you really need it. I hate that you’re alone. I hate that you’re feeling so lonely. I wished you a community I wish that you had that group there for you. I tried to hard to make sure I never got in the way of you making and finding that group, I was so sad the night you went out on Halloween. You never invited me you never asked. I had to close down the part that wanted to ask you to consider me. Jealousy and my own value came up and overwhelmed me. I just wanted you to be happy with your friends. I tried to front it out. I know that was a mistake on my end - I should have expressed what I was feeling. But I tired to show it when I dropped it all to be there for the pick up. I tried to show it with how accommodating I was. I hate that I did that to myself. I’m sorry.

Went hiking, wish you were here. I fell while walking barefoot in a stream before the waterfall, bruised my hip - reminds me of falling off my skateboard again. Kinda made me smile again. Only 11 miles, small change compared to the walking done in Japan… I’m jumping and ready to keep doing more but my friends are tired kinda sucks.

I miss you. I wish I could hold you.

#just my thoughts from the last time I posted #my chest aches too #it’s probably for the same reason we just won’t admit it #I hate this feeling #I told myself I would wait until your birthday #to make myself let go #but I couldn’t I really fucking can’t #i won’t stop crying over all the lost effort we both put in #it shouldn’t be this way #I just want to make sure you’re okay #why can’t I just be okay #I don’t deserve to be okay #only you do #my friends cared about you so much #where did this narrative of them not looking out for you come from It makes my gut hurt because you deserved them #where did it come from #fuck man #things I don’t want her to read #things I won’t even know she reads #please let me know #please #I wish I could go back to it all with everything I’ve learned #I know I would make it better I know I will be better #I wish I listened more when you asked me to play a singe player game so you could watch #why can’t I just give it up

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chuluoyi · 5 months

Text

LOVER'S QUARREL

- fushiguro megumi x reader

“i can't do this anymore.” you and megumi are just too different; he's stoic, you're bubbly, he prefers solitude, you love being social. it starts with fights, words you don't mean, and ends with an event that would haunt him for a long time to come.

genre: angst, breaking up, post-breakup feelings, mentions and description of injury and blood, hurt/comfort, fluff in the end (you make up!)

note: dear god i’m finally getting this out of my drafts. loosely inspired by real life events i’ve seen around my friend’s relationship sooo it might hurt a bit 🤏🏻 but who can say no to angst to eventual fluff? tagging @lees-chaotic-brain and @kasumitenbaz (as per request in the ask!), you two are always here for my megumi works, thank you!! :3 and thank you for dropping by for the event!

a part of 1K MILESTONE EVENT

series masterlist | oneshot masterlist

Everyone pointed it out as a joke, that you liked him way more than he did you.

And you used to never let it ruffle you. To you, Megumi’s sternness and silence meant that he was comfortable with you. You never wanted him to change his ways just because now you were seeing each other.

But when you thought it over now, as you stood before him with an aghast expression and knives stabbing your kind, soft heart, you couldn’t help but do a double-take.

You were the one who confessed first. Most of the time, you were the one who initiated dates. You always texted him first, asking about his day, and even when he brushed you off, you would keep being this ball of sunshine and wished him a good day.

You never realized it before… that through everything, it has always been you. Unfailingly.

So how dare he spout this now?

“I can't do this anymore.”

"You... can't?" you spat out, feeling the first tendrils of anger course through you. "What exactly it is that you can't do? What do you even mean?"

"Look," Megumi stared at you squarely, and you thought now, that it was the coldest of eyes, straight and true. "It's always been like this between us lately. It's only right that we end this."

This, he said. He didn't even want to define your relationship anymore.

You scoffed. "And why do you think we always end up this way? Have you ever considered, even once, that it's because you make no effort at all?"

"I'm trying," Megumi quickly replied, almost in a hiss, and you almost recoiled. "But I just see that we'll end up nowhere, that's why I'm bringing this up now."

Oh, that freaking hurts. You boyfriend had just told you that this relationship would go nowhere. Right in your face.

Your eyes stung with tears, yet you fought to hold them back, fixing your gaze on the lamp overhead and inhaling deeply.

"You're... selfish," you stated, filled with ire. "You're always walking around eggshells around me, never telling me what is it that you really want—"

Megumi's unclouded eyes fixed on your trembling form. "We just disagree on a lot of things. You know it and it bothers you. It bothers me too. Rather than forcing our relationship, I think it's better—"

"It's always me!" you yelled then, lips quivering and eyes watering, unable to hold your emotions back any longer. "All dates, lunches—everything!" you locked your eyes with him, in mocking disbelief. "How can you say you're trying when, in truth, I'm the one putting in so much for us?!"

In that very second, Megumi thought that he hated seeing you like this. You were supposed to be the cheerful one in this relationship, and when he agreed to go out with you, he made an unspoken commitment to himself that he would at least not make you miserable.

And yet...

"...I'm sorry."

Came his reply, and you were sure that this was it.

And to rub the salt in your wound, he added, "I can't lie to you and say I haven't thought this for a while too."

As tears welled within you, you wondered and questioned what you lacked that led to this. However, the overwhelming sense of betrayal consuming your thoughts ultimately prevailed over any other emotions.

Now he could've appeared before you as a stranger and you wouldn't bat an eye, as the cold steel in his tone said, "And if blaming me is what it takes to make you feel better, then so be it."

You couldn't pinpoint the source of your sudden boldness, but in the next hot minute, you marched past him, your shoulder harshly colliding with his in a deliberate, almost spiteful manner—which, indeed, was your intention—and then you ran.

Which led to the next scene: you found yourself bawling your eyes out in the girls' lavatory.

Yuji and Nobara saw everything unfolding right before their eyes. They hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but you and Megumi were literally breaking up right the middle of their shared classroom, and it was hard not to follow the discourse until the end.

"Are you okay?" Nobara had come to your side, ensuring privacy by locking the restroom door out of your consideration. You were a sobbing mess, attempting to wipe the overflowing tears away while letting out all your emotions.

"He's..." Your voice faltered amid sobs as you gazed at your steadfast friend, your throat clogging up. "He said... he's been wanting t-to... break up with m-me..."

"That's okay, that's okay..." Nobara brought you to her arms, patting your back in reassurance. "Fushiguro is insensitive like that... don't cry over him now. He's just a wimp, okay?"

"Why is it me?" you asked her, voice brittle, still shaking with tears. "I t-tried everything! Being the supportive girlfriend..."

"If he can't appreciate what you did, then the problem lies with him," your friend stated, traces of irritation brewing in her resolute gaze. And as she firmly grasped your wrist, her next words resonated. "Not you."

. . .

"Do you really have to break her heart like that?" Yuji fidgeted with his hoodie, staring at his best friend with a blend of confusion and sympathy.

Megumi sighed, finally ruffling his hair into a mess, as if expressing his own state of mind. “This is for the best.”

Yuji’s eyebrows visibly creased. “How is this ‘for the best’? She’s miserable, and you…” he assessed him, scanning him from head to toe, “it doesn’t seem you’re faring any better too.”

“The longer she is with me, the unhappier she will be.” Megumi glanced at the bathroom’s direction. “She can deserve better.”

He was always too quiet, too boring, not able to match your energy too. He couldn’t fault you for expecting more, whereas he was just not exactly built for your expectations.

Megumi really thought he wanted it to end. At one point, it even felt like a chore, but…

How strange. Why did it feel like something was clawing at his chest?

Time heals. Megumi knew that by theory, but he really did see it firsthand when he saw you all giggling and happy again three weeks after he initiated the breakup.

With Hakari.

“Yo, what are you glaring at?” Panda asked, but Megumi didn’t pay him any mind.

An upperclassman, Hakari Kinji, was naturally cool and talented. He was laid back, knew how to have fun—all in all, a total opposite of Fushiguro Megumi altogether.

Three weeks. It’s only been three weeks since then.

“Megumi?”

Wait… Aren’t three weeks too fast to get over your ex?

“Megumi!”

“Huh?” he turned to the sentient panda with a jerk. “Oh, what is it?”

He looked at him with a concerned gaze. "Why do you look so scary? It's almost as if you're about to punch someone..."

But who was he to argue? He had no right to be upset now.

"Is it Kinji?" Panda gasped, finally putting two and two together when he followed his line of sight. "Oh Megumi... but you—"

"Just shut up, please," he blurted then, a hint of annoyance in his tone. With that, Panda didn't pursue it further, leaving him with his thoughts.

From where he was at the field, he could clearly see your radiant smile for Hakari. It was clear that the two of you shared a degree of friendship, but Megumi never knew that you two were that close.

...huh?

Why did the sight irritate him so suddenly? Why did his chest twinge again?

What a fool. You're the one driving her away, you idiot.

Suddenly these memories popped up one by one—

Of you suddenly hugging him from behind in an attempt to surprise him.

How he pressed his lips on the crown of your head when you fall asleep on his shoulder.

How you would give him that dopey smile when he pulled you close.

But on harder days after missions gone wrong, he’d ignore you altogether— the slight disappointment in your smile then. How your expression fell when he told you to go. How you slumped and looked back in hopes of him changing his mind.

“Haaaah.” Megumi turned away, unwilling to keep watching you any longer. Why? Why hadn’t it occurred to him before now?

Why did he long for you now? Why not before, when you were still his?

They were right. It seems people tend to desire what isn't meant for them.

What could have been more painfully awkward than being sent into a mission with your ex-boyfriend?

You would kill Gojo for this. Or at least give him the lowest possible score in his teaching evaluation for the year. How could he? Your breakup was an infamous public spectacle, so this setup was undoubtedly intentional!

You were losing your head over this, and yet your ex-boyfriend...

"Keep your guard up," Megumi reminded curtly, in a warning tone. He looked as vigilant and straight as always, as if he wasn't even bothered.

You threw him a dirty look, offended. "You don't have to tell me twice."

This just cranked up the discomfort to an excruciating level. The mix of unresolved tension and memories—okay, you might be an emo, but how were you supposed to be cool with all of these hanging in the air?

Your site of exorcism was an abandoned warehouse, and the cursed spirit in question was supposed to be a grade 3. You two were grade 2 sorcerers now, so you were a perfect fit to exorcise it. But there was indeed this unease in the air that you couldn't put your finger to.

"Isn't it awfully too quiet?" you unwittingly muttered, staring at the darkness of the wall. You couldn't feel any cursed energy belonging to any possible malevolent entity, and that was what unsettled you the most.

Megumi frowned at your line of sight. "It is. Stay close."

You blinked at what he said, and before you knew it, the familiar scent of him being near to you made your entire body burst with this equally familiar warmth. When you looked up to him, seeing the solid sharpness in that dark eyes of his and his jaw set, dead butterflies in your chest rose back to life again, against your heartbreak and better judgement.

Stay close, he said... So he is worried...

And in an attempt to hide how flustered you were, you looked down.

You walked a few good steps, when suddenly he asked, "So, are you with Hakari-senpai now?"

"Huh?" You spun around, your expression a mix of surprise and confusion.

"You two seem close."

Seem close? Seem close... wait, so Megumi had noticed...?

Suddenly, you felt incited and it made you angry. "That's none of your business," your voice carried a sharp edge, hissing. And you knew you were being a bit mean by adding, "You broke up with me, so why do you even care?"

In that moment, Megumi could've sworn his chest throbbed. Your cutting tone pierced directly into his heart, lodging itself there.

You had all rights to be annoyed, and he knew that. Why did that question even slip out of him?

"Nah, nevermind," he mumbled in response, looking away.

Awkwardness lingered afterwards. You hated this, but no, you weren't above being petty. He had broken your heart and it still stung even now. If your intentionally biting words did to him even a fraction of what he made you feel, then you would find a small sense of satisfaction in it.

But you weren't able to ponder about your mess of feelings further when Megumi abruptly yanked your arm, his voice soaking with urgency, "It's here!"

Sure enough, the grotesque cursed spirit with the shape of a giant bee broke through the walls with a bang. The two of you immediately readied your fighting stance. Megumi was ready with his divine dogs, while you with your cursed weapon.

For a while, you engaged the cursed spirit with all you had. You were trying to focus on the enemy, but you couldn't help but notice the way Megumi always looked at you every few seconds, checking for any signs of injury or harm.

Frankly speaking, he trusted your strength and knew that you were a capable sorcerer. You had been paired in a mission before and he knew both your potential and shortcomings. It was just there was something about this place that had his senses on high alert.

And his fears were proven true when you yelped and were flung onto the grimy floor. "Y/N!"

"I'm fine!" you shouted in a rush, scrambling to your feet. However, as you spun towards him, your scream tore through the hall as you caught sight of the bee lurking behind him. "Megumi!"

He got distracted. The bee quickly latched onto him and almost stung him, until he wrestled it off and summoned Nue and exorcised it.

You went to his side that instant. "Are you okay?!"

"I am." But then he winced and almost fell on his knees if you didn't have a secure grip on him. He savored your touch and breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that now you two were safe.

"Megumi! Oh god!" Panic surged through you as you pulled him close. His side was bleeding, and you widened your eyes at the sight.

"I'm okay, I promise," he rasped, looking you in the eyes. "What abo—"

Then you saw it, the flicker from deep from that corner of platform, and suddenly, you grasped the source of the unease that had been lingering within you all this time. It wasn't the bee Megumi had just exorcised—

At that moment, there was no room for thought, one thing was certain: you didn't want him to get hurt more.

He didn't manage to finish his sentence when suddenly you pushed him away with so much force he never thought you had. Everything crashed so suddenly, he didn't have the time to brace himself or grab you with him, as another cursed bee appeared out of nowhere and—

Reality flashed before his eyes as he stared at you in sheer horror. At how the cursed spirit tore your body, sinking its hollow stinger in you.

You didn't really know what happened next. Everything was muffled—the frantic movements around you turned into a blur, along with Megumi's yells. Otherworldly pain coursed through your entire being and your ears rang, then everything in your line of sight became distorted and faded, along with your consciousness. Next and the last thing you knew was Megumi's battered face, a final imprint before you succumbed to the void.

Megumi had exorcised the remaining cursed spirit and staggered to his feet—falling a few times, but he made his way towards you through gritted teeth. You are hurt. He forced himself to get to you and pull you into his arms.

And suddenly, suddenly, nothing mattered anymore as overwhelming terror consumed him upon seeing you. Blood streamed from your abdomen so much that it made a continuous pool.

"You stupid—!" He choked out, voice hitching. You were no longer conscious and it devastated him even more. "Hey, hey? Wake up—hells—"

You, who did everything you could to save your relationship. You, who cried tears for him when he blatantly broke your heart. And you, who put himself first—and now facing the consequences.

It crashed upon him in that very second, the clarity. What was he thinking back then? He still loves you.

"If you die on me, I won't forgive you."

Megumi scooped you in his arms, pressing you close to his chest, the blood seeping from his wound be damned as he looked at your serene face. His heart shattered in the worst way possible and he almost wheezed at the sticky sensation of your blood—and how lifeless you felt in his grasp—but he willed it away.

"Don't," his broken rasp echoed the walls as he took each step to get both of you out of this hellhole. He winced and hissed at his own injury, chewing his lip in frustration, at how helpless he was.

"Don't leave me."

It was like a distant, hazy memory.

Was it a memory though? No. It seemed far too real for that.

The throbbing headache pounding through your skull and shivers that wracked your body pulled you back to reality. There was a heavy pressure on your abdomen and any movement sent sharp pain shooting through you.

You gradually opened your eyes, squinting against the brightness. You were in a hospital gown, an IV was injected on your arm, and the sterile scent made your stomach twist, as nausea creeping through your guts. Your vision was still blurry as you tried to look around to find someone who waited for you. As you slowly turned your head to the side, you saw him, sitting in the chair right next your bed.

Megumi was sleeping in such uncomfortable position, his head resting on the edge of your bed. He appeared peaceful, almost childlike, devoid of his usual stoic demeanor.

Your heartstrings were tugged at this rare sight. He also sustained injuries and yet... he was waiting for you to wake up, here.

Your chest swelled with warmth, which was quickly followed by a sting of heartbreak. Still, you two broke up...

You jolted, and the inadvertent movement sent a wave of pain that seemed to paralyze your nerves, causing you to whimper. The noise woke Megumi from his slumber, as he shot his eyes open in alarm, catching your hand in his.

"Hey... Are you okay?" Megumi worriedly looked down at you with a visible frown, and the grimace of pain on your face, accompanied by trembling lips, was enough of an answer. He hastily scrambled out in slight panic, "I'll get Ieiri-san."

When Shoko came and got you the painkillers, your pain receded somewhat. Through it all, Megumi stood there, casting concerned glances in your way.

"Bedrest for the week," Shoko stated firmly, assessing your wound with a no-nonsense expression. "Your injury isn't minor—it's serious enough that you're strongly advised against excessive movement."

You could only nod in response. Megumi bowed. "Thank you, Ieiri-san." Once the doctor departed, silence settled over the room once more.

“Why did you do that?” he quietly asked then, referring to what you did for him. And when you turned to him, you saw it clearly.

He looked pale, and there was this haunted look in his eyes. It broke your heart a little.

"You were hurt." Your voice came out dry, and you realized firsthand just how parched you were. Seeing Megumi looking down never quite sat right with you. He was meant to be an unwavering presence, someone strong enough to sway your convictions.

However, a pang struck when he countered with stern eyes, "You didn't have to do that."

...he was right. You didn't have to. What he didn't know was that you were still holding on these stupid feelings, which drove you to shield him. It made you ponder: if your roles were reversed, would he not step in to protect you at all?

"Why are you here?" You weren't sure if the bitterness in your tone was evident, but you continued anyway. "You don't have to be here either."

"Don't have to?" His gaze bore disbelief, as if not believing your words. "I'm—"

"If it's because I saved you, Megumi—"

“Do not even think, even for a moment, that I won’t be concerned over you.” His voice, deep and hoarse, struck you to the core, silencing your words. “Never. I always, always want you to be safe.”

Your mind became a blank slate. Suddenly, all that mattered was his voice.

"Don't you realize how terrifying it was? Seeing you like that?" Megumi spat, his green eyes shining with intensity, teeth gritted and fists clenched. "How could you even think that I wouldn't be here—" his breath hitched, and then his lips trembled slightly, "—for you?"

You blinked quickly, a feeling stirred within you—stemming from that cursed, fragile heart of yours to be exact, evident from the rapid thumping in your chest.

You dumbly uttered, "But we are—"

"Oh, Goddamnit." Megumi cursed, and honestly you were taken aback. It wasn't really in him to swear, so this really bugged him. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, and despite the situation, your heart skipped a beat at the sight. Even a mess in a hospital gown, your ex-boyfriend was still undeniably attractive.

He stared at you squarely in the eye, unflinching, steadfast and true, the very image of Fushiguro Megumi you admired from afar and fell in love with in the first place half a year ago. "You don't have to... say anything, if you don't want to. Right now... just hear me out."

And the things he said next... all of them, you could say, caught you entirely off guard.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not trying hard enough, and—damn it, for making you sad. I never, ever wanted to see you that upset."

Megumi drew in a sharp breath, averting his gaze. "And for days, I've wondered if you and Hakari-senpai are now a thing... and you know what? I hate it so much. I know I have no grounds to feel this way, after what I did, but..."

And like a train wreck, his final words hit you hard. Tears welled up in your eyes in immediate response.

“I'm a loser, and a coward too, maybe,” he shrugged, a tinge of self-deprecation in his tone. “And I suck at telling people my feelings, but I love you. I still do.”

A sob slipped out of your throat and you hastily pulled the blanket over your face, much to his surprise. He thought he had worsened things, with the way you were turning away from him.

But then, from beneath the blanket, in a croaky voice, you proclaimed, "Fushiguro Megumi, you're a complete and utter idiot."

And Megumi didn't know that he had been holding back his breath as he chuckled heartily, relieved that you would still take his ass back after this prolonged mess. He knew he still had a lot to make up for and was determined to show it through his actions.

"Maybe I am, yeah."

"That's possibly the longest shit you have ever spouted in one breath."

"Yeah..."

But he got his chance back, and he knew that you would be alright. Both of you are.

On one sunny day...

"Hey, are you alone?"

Megumi glanced up from his phone, only to be met with a random girl standing in front of him, batting her eyelashes with an ambiguous intent. He blinked at her curiously.

"No. Can I help you?"

The girl twirled her hair suggestively. "Ah, you see... I see you all in your lonesome and I think you're quite cute—"

The hell? Megumi frowned, and he was really about to give this bimbo a piece of his mind when—

Oh, oh. Forget that. Megumi's attention snapped to you on the opposite side of the crossroad. All pretty and dolled up with that crop tee and miniskirt he once mentioned would look great on you by a slip of tongue—that accidental comment earned him your teasing quips for weeks already.

"Sorry, I'm here for my girlfriend. Bye."

Abruptly dismissing the girl, he didn't catch how comically offended she was for being turned down in a span of 20 seconds. He took big strides towards you, as you crossed the street, and you immediately beamed when you caught the sight of his face.

"Megumi!"

Ah, this is going to be a good day, he thought. As he gazed at your pretty face, and caught your hand in his, clasping it tightly, reveling in your scent and the warmth of your presence beside him—

He was content, and once again it dawned on him, that he likes you so, so damn much.

"Let's get started on our date, shall we?"

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