#i'm constantly on edge

[mourningroutine]

bro i hate it here. the doctor still hasn't moved out. he also started blaming me for his bad mental health. because he has been so isolated and has no friends.

i told him i don't want any contact or friendship with him, a few weeks ago.

he is 40 and can't keep any friendships or relationships, but its my fault for wanting no contact.

#i can't do this anymore #legit he keeps coming back again and again #its draining me so bad #i'm constantly on edge #he is also just so? manipulative? like he kept accusing me of shit he did/said #legit like he kept calling me controlling...after he told me what to wear what to do in my free time who i can be friends with #also showing up at my school #i'm never dating anyone again i honestly think i won't survive the next person

[dvmni]

i’m so so so so so glad I bought those bose quiet comfort because Odi is not the only one who hates fireworks

#I'm constantly on edge #laura.txt

[onehundredandeleventropicalfish]

never gonna stop thinking about the fact that desire is the only one of dream's siblings who has never ignored him when he's asked for help

#like dream doesn't often ask bc desire's help is a double edged sword #and desire's caused their fair share of problems #but dream's been imprisoned twice before the events of this story #and in both cases desire got him out #desire's also always answered when dream wants to talk too #and while they can be antagonistic they've never lied if they can help it #i'm just. fascinated by the relationship these two have #desire is annoyed by their brother and they plot to trip him up constantly and they laugh at his misfortune #but they don't actually want him gone #meanwhile dream believes desire betrayed him a long time ago and has never forgiven them for that #but desire was his favourite sibling once upon a time #and you start to see as the pieces start to pull together in brief lives that they do care about each other #even if they're constantly in each others' way #and more to the point what fascinates me is the disconnect between what the endless think and what they do #all of his other siblings are more friendly to him than desire is - but they've all at some point turned their back on him #desire hasn't. even though they're often his biggest source of difficulty. they're also the most reliable source of help #the sandman #dream of the endless #desire of the endless #mine

[outeremissary]

I think it's cool that BG3 has reassured me I'm still the same little edgelord with questionable taste I was ten years ago. Here I was worrying I'd matured.

#despite what my blog may currently suggest I am also thinking about Kingmaker constantly. heart #I need to spend time with tris and nyrissa so bad it's unreal. god. #I need to write. I know I need to write. #duality of my heart is bg3 edge and kingmaker angsty melodrama #rambling #emi plays bg3 #I hope you've all lost respect for me this past month I'm working hard to lower the bar #I'm not sure I have any respect left for me to lose.

[averlym]

whshdfhfjf.,,,

#close up!! because i firstly Did Not render them with such insanity in order for tumblr's lack of general resolution to make it blur #look at all the lines!!! teehee i still really really like this style of digital painting it's super super fun to do!!! and also secondly #because i went back and added a tag ramble and as i seem to often be doing??? lately?? reached the 30 tag limit and went 'hm ok how else..' #anyway the tag essay on that one is now up and talks about the artwork generally and miscellaneous thoughts!! that said. i need a space to #ramble about beatrix at Length because look you don't draw and paint etc a character for like ten hours without having a lot of thoughts #anyways ! i digress terrifically. tag rambles are more like trains of thoughts masquerading as subways and you get on and it's unfortunately #a rollercoaster track. but this is My Blog and i can do Whatever I Want as long as i don't hurt anyone <- affirmations!! also Harm Principle #lately it's been like *kicks up feet* *opens tumblr tags* *treats it as own personal journal* and tbh Good for me!! anyways back to beatrix #fun fact ! the thing that pushed me over the edge to go watch the musical after looking through the tumblr tag was a very specific poll. #and the fact that the winning option was blue hair and pronouns made me double over laughing so hard i had to go see the source material #mm i feel like lately the academic Context has been tossing me essentially into a blender HAHA ;-; so everyone in adamandi is to some extent #a Mood. but bea-specific (haha be specific)(sorry!)(wow this is the same reaction mechanism of my friend who points out innuendos)(...) #i think it's the wanting to prove herself. like from the whole abuela etc thing there's proof here she's got a Stable Support System of sort #and instead what beatrix continues to do is push themselves. 'i guess u could say i'm married to my work? god that's depressing' // no one #here to enforce that // abuela tells me to rest says i'm constantly stressed and i'll just get depressed like before but i still have to try #like. that shred of desperation that pushes you to the brink to neglect yourself (well i guess physically but also your morals..) and like!! #the whole 'lose half your soul thing' proves she's self aware!! like they know what they're doing is super dubious yknow! but they're still #they're still doing it even if it goes into conflict with their morality system in a way and then they justify it to themselves (see pt 1 #of ghostwriter) and the whole wanting to achieve at all costs Despite the self awareness. (i think? this aspect also applied to quincy. but #thoughts on him will come later). more beatrix specific also is the fact that they genuinely adore their work.. 'i just love it here where #you know they'll be printing forever and you are just part of it' because that does kind of resonate with me. also the being behind in the #competition is real!!! i'm maybe talking about Art as a subject because that same drive for it exists on my good days i think. even #even when nothing seems to be going right and you've ended up at the back the intent passion inherent in what you do is still there!!! #the genuine. care she has for reporting. is so !!!!! to me... other beatrix thoughts include 'why reveal yourself at the end' aka vincent's #'u should have stayed silent u had a smart plan' like rip to them but i would not // it feels with bea's complex character i can't imagine h #her Not doing that. like the guilt is real i guess. and i am running out of tags but! smth also about her fervent hope or smth that she'll #eventually get to where she wants. and the resilient determination.. 'i won't let their deaths be pointless there's more good i'm gonna do' #they're so so real for that. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing; seeing myself reflected in aspects of characters like this.. but it's #it's there regardless. smth smth just make your peace with the person you are ig!! tldr beatrix campbell my beloved. hehe #adamandi

[steddieas-shegoes]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💜

beeee my duuuuuude 😊😊😊😊 i have been struggling lately with feeling proud of my writing so maybe this is just what i needed to remind myself that i should be proud!!!

call me sunshine, send me to space

little nuggets series

it led me to you

and honestly, i'm just proud that even though i am super busy lately and struggling a bit with finding any energy for anything, i'm still making time to work on the things i want to. it may only be ten minutes at a time, but i'm still not giving up. what's that saying? you can go as slow as you need to as long as you don't stop? i'm repeating that to myself endlessly the last couple of months especially. i think there's a lot of things i have planned that i will be very proud of and hope i get a chance to update my list soon-ish! hugging you 💖

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #fic rec #self rec #did i cry about this? yes #i'm just a woman on the edge constantly rn

[mechieonu]

so uh. yeah i just finished tangled the series and jesus mother of god the relationship between cass and rapunzel is so poignantly, palpably, VISIBLY queercoded it's not even funny

#cassunzel #s3 was just cassunzel fever #god the foundational subtext ALONE! ALONE #the sundrop and moonstone needing each other on a fundamental level #rapunzel's steadfast trust in cassandra NO MATTER WHAT #'i'm the girl who has everything....but i'd give up anything for you' HOW??? HOW DID THIS MAKE IT PAST THE DISNEY CENSORS #how cass even in the throes of villainy still innately trusts and loves rapunzel #her double-edged dillema kf constantly being put second best to rapunzel but still loving her ardently #BECAUSE SHE KNOWS RAPS WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CRUEL BONE IN HER BODY #when i first heard of this show i thought cass and raps's moments would be just that. moments #i was not expecting an overarching cosmic star-crossed romance to span 3 seasons literally what the absolute fuck #tangled the series

[thethingything]

we're stuck in a very unfortunate loop where I know a lot of things that help our mental health, but those things take an amount of energy, concentration, or ability to remember things, that we just do not currently have specifically because of the things that are making our mental health so bad in the first place.

I'm still trying to do them because I need to do the things that make us feel better, but the more stressed and exhausted we are, the harder it is to do the things that would help us be less stressed and it's not like there's a workaround for this so the only option is to just keep pushing through but wow I'd love if it was less difficult

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #it's just this constant thing of like... I'm trying as hard as I can to manage my mental health and cope with stuff #but there's only so much I can do so I'm still stressed as hell and struggling to function and getting irritable and upset all the time #and from an outside perspective that makes it look like I'm doing a really bad job or just not trying #when in reality if I wasn't doing as much as I can right now it would be so so much worse but people outside our brain don't see that #they just see someone who's constantly stressed and on edge and can't seem to keep on top of basic shit #and it doesn't help that big difficult tasks for us are often things that other people don't find that hard to begin with #and we haven't really had the energy to do those big tasks because even smaller tasks have been really difficult #so then we'll be like ''I actually emptied the bin and did laundry today'' and that's a big deal for us #but to a lot of people that sounds like we're asking them to be impressed with us doing the bare minimum

[pastafossa]

Hey babe, you still alive?

I am, thank you! 😭 I've just been dealing with the absolute refusal of covid brain fog to leave, and poor Spuddy dog needing surgery on Wednesday. It's minor surgery but it's got me S T R E S S E D and I've been a little out of it. I'll feel a lot better once that's done and once I find the missing piece of my brain that covid took

#just had a rough couple days #have also been VERy frustrated cause i'm struggling to focus enough to actually create New Things (TM) #like i can *edit* which is taking the edge off but writing is so SLOW and so is woodcarving which was already slow #i'm forgetting shit constantly #add to that doggo's infection not getting better and thus needing surgery and i've just been blurgh

[epic-and-kitty]

i an flip flopping between existential dread and fandom joy and I honestly think I'm just a push away from a mental break

#kitty mumbles #There's going to be a straw that breaks the camel's back #Which is why I'm only opening Splatoon for the next week to take pictures or play side order #I'm so on edge #Even stress eating is failing me because any food at all is making me feel I'll #Like one sandwich #I'm so stressed about everything and my head hurts constantly #If someone is even slightly rude to me I'm going to snap

[itslookingback]

:(

#would love not to be obsessive and on edge and uncomfortable and anxious all the time. would love to have a normal brain for one day #i hate feeling like this because it's like yes i know i'm being irrational!!!! but things are distressing and it hurts #i don't want to be constantly one moment away from a sensory overload or about to snap at someone. yes i want to feel more happy #i don't know how to become this though. everything is out of my control and i'm trying to make do #mumbles

[robotpussy]

that aliyahsinterlude girl.... like sometimes she can be annoying but that's not a crime, and she has tweeted/said some kind of stupid things before but again... not a crime. but every month ppl are coming for her and like.... i kind of get it but also she hasn't done anything wrong but look cute!

i think part of the annoyance with her is her fans. when they see anyone dressing vaguely like aliyahsinterlude they start doing the "omg aliyahcore" shit like fluffy boot covers and miniskirts are not entirely HER THING i think she just stands out and was one of the first ppl to take part in the rise of these styles coming back again (although they never left) because she isn't the first or only one to dress this way, i could argue many ppl dress like her today whether they even knew of her or not....

but anyways this time some fashion company came out with a collection and she retweeted with "they should've asked me to model" and ppl arent taking too well because i guess they think its her claiming she invented the style (even tho she never said she did)

#i think she just worded it wrong idk I'm kind of tired of ppl constantly trying to come for her #dare i say... her being darkskin may play into this like idk #she did go on to say that this company was def inspired by her which could be very very true this style has made a big comeback #like i see this style more and more each day but yea i do think they saw what she was doing and took inspo #like idk i LOVE HER STYLE and i know for most ppl what she does is very out there #me personally its cute but its not that crazy to me like mini skirt and big boots. ok 👍 so maybe that's also why i don't understand #why ppl have so much to say abt her????? because to me its just a very cute style with an edge to it 🤷🏾‍♀️ #like yea shes heavily inspired by rave and j fashions shes even said so herself i think this is part of her fans running their mouths #and her words being misinterpreted because ppl already just don't like her. probably because shes confident and darkskin as well as #having a style that is different #sorry for ranting but idk i just wanted to talk

[thebirdandhersong]

diagnosed with can't-talk-to-guys-around-her-age syndrome. tragic

#i dont know if this is because i was homeschooled and there were very few guys in the homeschool coops we were a part of #or because of the way i was raised. but i am Constantly Afraid of giving guys the wrong idea/overstepping boundaries/ #being too much/being too friendly and so on and so forth #this fear is most prominent in the realm of texting #songbird again #the paranoia is always creeping on the edges of my thoughts because i want to be a good friend but i don't want to come off #as Romantically Interested. possibly this is because of that guy who asked me out this semester (the one who was like. #i'd like to ask you out to dinner because you have traits i'd want in a girlfriend but i'm not actually attracted to you) #like. MAN i was way too friendly with him. but it's so hard to gauge that!!!

[mangoazalea]

please let the Black people in your life know you like, care about them

#mango speaks #i honestly just feel so isolated every single day as a Black queer person #and it's just on my mind 24/7 #on top of all the racist bullshit i have to deal with and worry about constantly. #i'm not gonna lie the fucking rap discourse is really getting to me. #y'all don't wanna appreciate anything Black people do #let alone actually give us credit for what you *do* engage with #i don't know how to articulate what i'm feeling right now #and i feel like i cant get anything out because my brain's trying to force me to sift my feelings through a billion different filters #to make it palletable #i dont know #i'm just feeling a lot lately #vent #<- i guess #this isnt just about the discourse btw i just feel like this constantly and this is just kinda pushing those feelings over the edge

[daz4i]

you know how nitpicky i get about definitions. so you can imagine my unnecessary rage whenever i click an iceberg video that did not need to be an iceberg video and is barely even in the layer format as is. and i know it's bc of the algorithm and ppl are generally more likely to click these videos bc we all like lists. but it still feels annoying yknow??

#once again an essentially harmless thing that makes me too upset (bc i am already constantly on edge so every small thing sets me off) #i'm more chill abt that than other things tho. #like the thing i'm mad about is how youtuber's algorithm works.

[blowingoffsteam2]

Something that always bothered me that I haven’t been able to figure out: How Maleficent has a realization and says that the black box doesn’t exist yet. How could that be when we saw it exist in the past. It could just be that it means Luxu hid the box in “unreality”- in other words, it technically didn’t exist in their reality. But then why would it suddenly “exist” again? What caused it to exist? What if, going off the idea of the “abyss” being created by the separation of “heaven and earth”, Riku’s sacrifice or whatever happened with Sora’s heart as a result created the abyss (time-wimey stuff accounting for how the box could be hidden in it long ago)? aka the underworld, the chasm, “Khaos”. Or at least, created the bridge to it that allowed Luxu to retrieve the box.

It also makes me think of what YMX was talking about in the toy story world. “In this world toys have hearts, and those hearts come from a powerful bond. So what happens when those bonds are stretched to their limit? When they are worlds apart, can cloth and plastic hold onto their hearts? All I needed was a wedge to widen the divide. Someone like you to fill them with distrust and doubt. And that chasm you created can be filled with a vast darkness.”

#I don't know if any of this makes sense I'm just rambling #I feel there's something here #and Riku's sacrifice is at the center of it #the way the split heart constantly shows up in kh3 #the symbol of the abyss #hmm #also btw there's a solar symbol in the corner of that screenshot hehe #iirc the text next to it says 'corona development' #corona meaning the outer edge of the sun and or a crown #not....you know...that other corona lol #oh yeah I didn’t make it very clear here that I’m using abyss and unreality interchangeably here #Sora is in the abyss aka unreality