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anothertimdrakestan · 4 years

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Light Of My Life Jason Todd x Reader

LINK TO PT 2

Words: 2.7k

Requested? Yes! From a lovely anon!

“Hello! May I have a Jason Todd x reader where the reader is a really powerful superhero from the avengers and is well known and she met Jason when she was hopping on rooftops in Gotham (for fun idk haha) and the reader feels lonely and they bond over that with Jason and they start dating and when Jason’s brothers find out they’re dating (a few months later) they freak out and say things like “YOURE DATING THEM?! How did this happen?!” Thank you!”

LINK TO PROMPTS -> REQUESTS ARE STILL OPEN!

Ok so I took this as a new avenger I hope that’s okay :). It’s mostly selfish that I wanted to write my own badass hero for Jason to simp for... can you blame me? She’s basically a heroin Livewire for those of you that watched Supergirl. Also you really set me up for a long fic so strap in anon, you did this to yourself by giving me an amazing request! Hope you enjoy! xoxo

“You’re kidding right. Gotham? Mr. Seclusive Bat Brat’s turf? Not a chance in hell.” you groaned hearing your newest mission. “Sorry Y/H/N you’re headed to nut-case capital” your comm buzzed back and you rolled your eyes. At least it was a short trip right? Confirm with Dr. Strange exactly the newest magical item you needed to look for, find it, and get out. Maybe zap a couple villains for shits n giggles. Grabbing your motorcycle you headed out, praying for a short trip.

Arriving at your hotel you began to set up, having powers meant no bulky suit which was nice but Strange had set you up with about a million photos, books, and what looked like scrolls about a stupid helmet. Apparently all the helmet did was let the wearer float and see in the damn dark, half of the avengers could do that shit already. But when THE Dr. Strange makes a request of the Avengers, they comply.

You’d heard about a drug leader with an eye for shiny objects, and you decided to start there hoping you could really give him a show. Waiting for night to fall you headed out, appreciating the constantly terrible weather in Gotham, lightning cracked in the sky exhilarating you, taking it as a sign from your gods that they liked this mission you felt the electricity run through your veins as you sped towards the ring a friend of yours had tipped you off about. Propping your bike up on the side of the building you felt the electricity dancing through the wires of the building and you zapped into them, travelling in to the main room.

Jason just about pissed his pants. He watched this hot motorcycle chick park her (sexy ass) bike outside the drug ring he was busting that night and right when he was about to put on some Red Hood Charm™ he watched her turn into a giant spart and shoot into the building through the camera system. Realizing she was going to do his job for her he decided to watch from above, trying to figure out who the mystery meta was. As he sat perched on the top of the building he couldn’t help but hope it was Y/H/N, one of the most prominent new Avengers but what was she doing in Gotham? Regardless he sat, ready for the lightshow.

What you saw inside the building was horrific. Disgusting men were throwing cash around to take home young, terrified girls. Disregarding the mission at hand you flashed into the middle of the “show”. Immediately guns were out but that had never stopped you. Dissapaiting into one of the lights you enjoyed how some of the men shrieked at your powers. “Shit dog I think it’s Y/H/N but what’s she doin in Gotham?” never able to pass an opportunity to boast you appeared behind the group smirking “hey boys. Don’t there girls look a little young for you? That said, you should let them go or I’ll get angry. And you’d be shocked with how angry I can get - literally.” you held up a hand letting sparks dance in you palm. What you didn’t expect was to see a blundering idiot in a red mask crash through the ceiling.

Before you could light him up he called “uh hey! It’s Y/H/N right? Big fan. Red Hood pleasure to meet you. See, this is usually my territory, drugs and all, but I’d be happy to share with a lovely lady like you so-” you scoffed. “Shut up BatBrat I don’t intend on swinging minor league with you tonight, I just want these girls out of here and to talk with you” you gestured to the drug lord, annoyed this Red Batman or whatever his name is was getting in your way. “Minor leagues huh? Princess if you think this is any type of game you’re wrong, we don’t play by the rules here.” and he pulled out two guns and began firing. This shocked you. You thought the bats held the same standards as the majority of the Avengers, no killing. This clearly went down the drain as you watched him blow the brains out of the majority of the drug dealers.

Deciding this wasn’t the night for you to successfully capture the man you needed, especially because Stark would kill you if you got in a fight with another vigilante on an away mission. While Red Mask went hand to hand with the guards you helped the girls escape, shooing them towards the exit and making them promise to be safer. After securing the public’s safety you took a moment to watch Red Armour fight. He was trained you had to admit, he ducked and punched like he’d been doing in for years, he was refined in skill but reckless and practice, it was fascinating. “You gonna help or is that not in the Avenger’s handbook?” you smirked as he got pinned by a couple guards. As he was preoccupied you zapped to the drug lord, shocking him enough to put him down long enough to move him. Forming an electric rope around his limbs you began dragging him out. “Sorry RedBat I got what I came for, you make a good side kick though” with a wink you walked out, not before hearing him shout “ITS RED HOOD SPARKY”

In one of the Avenger’s safe houses you’d tied up your captive. “This is super easy buddy, all I need to know is where to find the Helmet of Razadazar” what a stupid fucking name, it doesn’t even sound cool. Knowing he’d feign innocence you prepared yourself for light, pleasure for you, not so much for him...

“You’re. Lying. Todd.” Tim’s fingers flew across the BatComputer. “Y/H/N in Gotham? EPIC!” Jason rolled his eyes. “Drake she definitely wasn’t all that amazing, plus she gave the impression she wasn’t long for Gotham so it’s probably nothing. Newbie training for the A list.” Tim sighed, Jason was probably right, the Avengers left Gotham to Batman, no one wanted a piece of it. “Alright, but you gotta tell me everything, I think she shorted all the camera footage so you better use all the detail.” Jason agreed, secretly excited to recount his experience, maybe fangirl a little. All he knew was that he was going to find you, the only game he wanted to play was chasing you.

After taking a short lecture from Captain A about aggressive torture techniques and why they should be AVOIDED you had gotten your answer. Apparently an underground auction with other-worldly treasures was the place to be. At least Gotham’s wealthy were making everything easy for you tonight.

Jason adjusted his bowtie as he waited to enter the auction. Attending as Bruce Wayne was easy, he did owe Damian a barn now, but it was a worthy pay off for Damian to endure some father-son time as a cover up while Jason played billionaire. Finding an excuse to go other than finding Y/H/N wasn’t hard either, and now here he was, hoping you’d stand out. Let’s just say fate helped a little.

Sitting at a table with your fake identity as Ms. Stark was equally as easy. Excited to be meeting Mr. Wayne the Gothamite who was seated next to you. As he sat down he looked younger than the paparazzi pictures showed. You stuck out a hand to shake and he took it gently, kissing it, to your surprise. He looked at your smirking, “looking lovely tonight Sparky” you’re jaw dropped. Mr. Wayne I had no idea Red Cap was your speed” you whispered, shocked, but slightly comforted to know you had your sidekick here.”It’s. Red. Hood. And just as you Ms. Stark, this identity is not my own.” it made sense, but it was still impressive.

Having exchanged pleasantries with the table the auction began. Item after item went, you and Hood slid in low bets to seem interested, but you wondered why he had came. Then the helmet was up. You sucked in a breath knowing the plan was to win the bid then snatch the helmet. You bid politely against someone at table 37 until it was yours. “Going once” “Going twi-” the auctioneer stopped as Mr. Wayne raised his paddle, tripling your bet. The auctioneer looked shocked at the amount, not letting you bid again before he shouted “SOLD to the sir at table 14!” For the second time that night your jaw dropped. “I need that helmet!” you whisper yelled. “That old thing? Sure princess. You just have to get dinner with me tomorrow” you realized he just spent millions and millions of dollars just to win your time. “Deal” you hissed.

Jason decided not to tell his brothers about his date. Feeling like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity he wasn’t ruining it. After hiding the helmet in the BatCave he was waiting for you at a candle lit table for two. When you walked in he knew it was love at first sight. Sitting down across from him you smirked. “You clean up nice..” he finished for you “Todd. Jason Todd.” taken aback you’d heard about him, the kid that lived, part of the Wayne family. “Well if we’re going real names Mr. Todd what do I have to lose, y/n l/n” you smiled, drinking in his appearance. He was dashing you had to admit, confident and laidback it was alluring. “Beautiful name to fit a gorgeous girl” he winked, to your shock, making you blush.

The two of you spent the night throwing snide comments, compliments, and flirtation between you. Something about Jason just clicked, it felt right. After hours at the table you and Jason went for a walk around Gotham while he showed you his most memorable spots. Somehow the two of you wound up on the top of a skyscraper staring at the stars. Finally having a person who understood the burden of heroism but wasn’t judging you for being new was refreshing. Only knowing each other for hours it felt like it had been years, confiding in each other about some of your deepest secrets. Jason was amazed with your powers, but you explained that they were hard to control, bottling electricity up in anything was difficult, batteries rotted, lightbulbs broke, and sometimes it felt like you were no different. He watched as you showed him how sparks danced across you skin and though he didn’t tell you, they’d been sizzling around you since dinner, an aura vibrating around you as you laughed, cried, and smiled with him.

“So Lightning McQueen, what do the sparks do when you’re happy?” you grimaced at another of his nicknames and explained how they crackle and pop sometimes taking on certain weather-like patterns. “Huh, well let’s see some lightning then” Jason grabbed your hand pulling you into his chest, using the other hand to lift your eyes to meet his as he leaned in. You sped up the process, hands wrapping around his neck, crashing his lips on yours. He was right, lightning struck across the sky as sparks danced between the two of you. Pulling away he grinned as he breathlessly looked at you. “Beautiful” You pulled him in for more, deciding maybe Gotham wasn’t so bad if he was here.

“Why does Y/H/N always get the Gotham missions?” Peter Parker groaned. “Well seeing as she practically lives there it’s easy” the rest of the gang retorted as you blushed. “I guess I just really like the weather” you grinned while everyone rolled their eyes knowing the reason Gotham was having more lightning than ever was no coincidence.

“Honey I’m homeeeeee” you squealed as you zapped into your kitchen. Jason had learned not to be alarmed when you appeared out of thin air and he opened his arms as you fell into his embrace. “Hello to my favorite double A” he grinned when you gave him a zap, he knew you loved all his nicknames. He pulled you out of his embrace looking you dead in the eyes. “Sparky it’s time you meet my family, you know Tim is going to kill me for hiding you” You were so excited, timing never aligned or one of you was injured or not on Earth but finally, it was time to meet the family.

You’d snuck into the manor before, but everytime it seemed to get bigger. Jason squeezed your hand warning you about how annoying his family was. As you entered you took in everything. The cutest little boy was chasing a grown man with a sword, a teenage boy sat on a kitchen cupboard shotgunning an energy drink, all while a nice elderly man chopped carrots calmly in the kitchen. Breaking the silence you began to name each boy “Uh hi guys! I’m y/n you probably know me as Y/H/N but I’m so excited to be here! I’m guessing Damian, Dick, Tim, and the wonderful Alfred!” all the boys froze. Alfred smiled and continued chopping. “Oh my god oh my god oh my god” Tim jumped off the cupboard wide eyed staring at you. “Todd how do you know her?” Dick looked at you, shocked to see an Avenger not in costume next to his brother.

“Actually guys I’ve known Y/N for a while, remember Tim that night? We’ve kept in touch since and I’m lucky enough to be her boyfriend!” Jason kissed you on the cheek and immediately Tim passed out. As Dick poured water on the teen Damian walked up to you and you bent down to look him eye to eye. “Prove you’re Y/H/N because I don’t believe Todd could pull a famous hero like Y/H/N” Jason started “No y/n it’s fine” but you wanted to make a good impression so you zapped into the light fixture, counted to 5, then appeared on the cupboard Tim had been on, only to zap back nex tot Jason. “TT I’m impressed Todd. Y/n let me say I’m impressed with your recent activity with the Avengers. I know what it is like to be surrounded by older, entitled idiots.” Damian stuck out a tiny hand and you shook it, making sure to give him a little shock.

Having woken up Tim began rapid fire questions. “So Todd lied you’re here? And you like him? Can I just say you’re so cool. Would you let me run some tests on your powers? What’s the biggest lightshow you’ve done? What is spiderman like? I feel like I’m quicker than him but I don’t know. Do you love Jason?” you tried to take in all the questions. “Yes I’m here, yes, thank you, sure I guess, biggest was cracking a small moon in half - don’t asl I was mad, spidey is cool kind of a dweeb but, he’s pretty quick but I haven’t seen you, and yes I do love Jason” you took a deep breath. Jason smiled at you, glad you could keep up with Tim’s q & a. Suddenly Tim grabbed Dick’s arm and started running to the BatCave, “okay y/n I’m gonna go set up some tests come down in a minute. Todd you lucky asshole you bring her down in five okay?” before you could reply he was gone.

Taking a deep breath Jason wrapped his arms around you. “I’m so glad you can deal with them, but if Drake gets really bad knock him out cold” you chuckled, knowing that dealing with the Wayne’s was more difficult for Jason than it was for you. “Anything for you babe” you grinned. “Always the light of my life y/n” you rolled your eyes knowing the jokes would never stop, one of the many reasons you loved Red Hood with all your heart.

haha I never do A/N but do y’all get the pun in the title hehehehe wow I need to go to bed. Also check out the pun in my masterlist lolz. Now, dear reader, that you read this post we have an inside joke together hehe... love you! xoxo

#jason todd #jason todd x you #jason todd x reader #jason todd fluff #red hood #red hood x reader #tim drake #dick grayson #damian wayne #avengers #dc x marvel #batboys

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hopevalley · 3 years

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Season 8, Episode 1: Open Season

Work was busier than expected on Monday, but the deep dive into the first episode of S8 begins now!

Scene 1: Narration, Elizabeth and Nathan, Lucas

The awkwardness between Elizabeth and Nathan was...palpable at first lol.The best part about the non-narrated part of the scene is twofold: Nathan interacting with Jack is a well-needed and very nice touch, and of course it’s always nice to see that Nathan is patient concerning Elizabeth’s situation and reassures her that she can let him know when she’s ready to go to dinner with him.

My problem with the whole thing is that...if she hasn’t spoken up about wanting that dinner date yet, and she’s not saying yes she’d like to get dinner with you now, it’s like...any sane person would assume at this point in the story that Elizabeth isn’t interested in Nathan. Worse, Nathan isn’t the kind of man who wouldn’t take a hint. I’m pretty sure this is why the opening scene felt just a little bit off. I think they ought to have let Elizabeth be a little more enthusiastic about the idea while still failing to commit to it.

To be fair to the writers, I can’t imagine it was easy for them to figure out how to open this season after such a long time gap. They let a whole winter elapse between last season and this one. How do you explain literally no major development with the love triangle in that amount of time? Especially after the way the last season ended?

Random consideration: the camera focuses on Elizabeth’s face a lot and makes her wedding ring clearly visible.

Boom, the flashback with Lucas. I think having him leave out of jealousy was a better idea than having his mother fall ill (we’ve certainly seen that enough at this point), and maybe we should also consider the fact that while Lucas was gone, Nathan didn’t really jump on the opportunity to woo Elizabeth himself.

I wonder if we’ll get an explanation for that or not. What makes Lucas so sure that after 4+ months, Elizabeth hasn’t started courting Nathan? Maybe he kept in touch with someone in town? Or he just knows Elizabeth well enough to know she wouldn’t feel quite ready to commit in that time frame anyway?

I did really like Lucas’s opening scene with Elizabeth. Honestly, he was quite likable, here: admitting he was wrong, admitting his shortcomings, apologizing. All good things. “I’m ashamed I let my jealousy get the best of me... The worst of me.” That’s such a good line.

It didn’t feel equal in enthusiasm to the Nathan scene, but I’ll have more thoughts on that later. I do believe it was on purpose.

Scene 2: Clara and Jesse’s Fight, The Café

I like the concept of some marital discord for Clara and Jesse. Marriage is easier said than done and like any serious relationship, it’s a lot of consistent maintenance. It starts out pretty well, with Jesse sleeping in the other bedroom. At this point I fully expected to find out Clara kicks in her sleep or she snores a lot or something that’s funny to hear about but really difficult to actually deal with in real life. Color me disappointed later, but I’ll get to it.

Scene 3: The Mercantile, Ned, Florence, Carson

This just set up things with Faith’s situation so there’s not much to say, but as always I do love Florence. I hope she gets some good scenes this season. And I love Ned so I hope the same for him.

Henry coming in to mail a letter was interesting, though. I’m not sure it’ll mean anything in particular later, but...it’s possible. Then again, maybe he’s just here to set our expectations regarding Faith’s return (of course it’s a long trip from Chicago) or Carson’s worry (a bit unreasonable unless he expected to hear from her at a specific stop).

Scene 4: Nathan, Dylan

Dylan is such an incredible scumbag. The spurs were a nice touch. He says things almost fondly (“She’s growing up... My little girl.”) and then wants nothing to actually do with Allie.

The guy’s actually a pretty good actor. The way he segues into being glad for Allie’s sake that Nathan wasn’t the one killed. If the next words out of his mouth weren’t a demand for go-away money you’d almost feel those words were genuine!

Scene 5: Lee and Rosemary’s Return + Faith’s Return + Dylan Part Two

Lots of energy in this scene, both good and bad. I always appreciate what Lee and Rosemary bring to the show. I genuinely just don’t care that much about Faith. I’m ready to ship her with Cowboy Brett Brewer. He gets a name, which makes me wonder if he’s gonna show up again. :3

Lol at Carson’s jelly face:

I MEAN...

Not a fan of Faith’s outfit...but to be fair we’ve never really seen Faith outside of uniform. That just doesn’t strike me as something she would wear to travel in...?

Dylan approaching Jack and Jack speaking to him was so hilarious to me. “A puppy!” It’s extra funny after he looked afraid of Rosemary. Nathan intervening was undoubtedly for the best, but I can’t imagine why he would have approached Elizabeth or Jack. He doesn’t know who they are, or their connection to Nathan. Maybe too convenient. Might have been better to have him approach someone else entirely--like Opal.

Scene 6: Nathan and Allie

It’s great Nathan’s officializing the adoption but he had literal years to do this and only chooses now, when there’s a threat? Legally Dylan doesn’t have a leg to stand on even in that day and age (he did the abandoning in the first place + Nathan is a lawman)... It kind of ruined the cute moment for me, and I think it will come back in a bad way later.

I don’t mind Nathan’s inability to confide in Elizabeth in this situation. At this point, she doesn’t need to know, and the situation is just weird enough that he probably doesn’t think he needs to dump his own problems on her.

Scene 7: Carson and Faith

I’m the jerk who just chanted “BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP” during this scene in my head. I just...don’t care about Faith and Carson.

Scene 8: Bill and The Gals

I hate that they keep retconning Bill’s ability to cook well with every passing season. In season 2 and 3 he was more than satisfactory. In S4 he made dinner for Dottie and it was really nice. Now he’s godawful and doesn’t taste his own shit before letting other people try it? Come on.

This is the kind of stuff the writing team needs to cut out of the story. It’s not funny.

Worse, outspoken Fiona lying to Bill? I just don’t see it. At least Molly told him the truth...but I still am just SO tired of seeing this shit. It makes me think new writers only watched the last couple of seasons instead of all of them.

Also, if Bill is literally running the cafe most of the time, if he was bad at cooking, then...the place would have shut down ages ago. What they should lean into if they wanna do a cooking joke is that Bill isn’t good at creating recipes from scratch. Maybe he doesn’t have a strong sense of taste (my husband has this issue so it’s the first thing that comes to mind) so he’s likely to over-do things like spice or sugar or salt on accident. There’s also a lot of room for jokes about his “taste” in things that can come of it (women, clothes, et cetera).

Scene 9: Lee’s Pants

Good scene, 10/10, wouldn’t change a thing. I hope this pants thing becomes a running gag. This is the good kind of humor I want in my life. And I like that Jesse wants to emulate Lee. It’s wholesome.

Scene 10: Rosemary and Clara

The ribbon as a tissue was funny, but it was just SLIGHTLY too over the top for me.

Scene 11: Faith and Carson Again...............

“Were you jealous of that cowboy?” I think he should be. The cowboy is better. I don’t give a damn about these characters. And I genuinely hate that the strumming is Carson’s Thing Now. At the very least we should get some Carson and Bill doing a duet together which would be cool.

It just felt like it was shilling Paul and had nothing to do with the characters.

Scene 12: Mmm Money

This is arguably the most interesting scene in the episode. Lucas nodded at Nathan. Nathan went to Lucas for money. Lucas didn’t need to get the scoop to find out why Nathan needed it to loan it to him. Elizabeth is officially the least interesting part of the love triangle.

They treat her like she’s such a prize to be won, but I’m starting to worry that she’s become the new Lorigail on the show.

Anyway this scene had some gay vibes and I liked them.

Scene 13: Rosemary and Elizabeth Catch Up

YES. GOOD SCENE. It starts off fun and it gets serious, and the transition feels really natural. “Did he have reason to be [jealous]?” I’m genuinely glad this is in the episode. It needed to be. I hope Rosemary continues to ask the hard questions.

Elizabeth needs to face either dating one of them, or dating neither of them so that everybody can get on with their lives. If you’re not that enthusiastic about either of them I’d say...maybe don’t date either of them idk.

Scene 14: Nathan and Bill Talk

"If he sees you with me, then...” The problem with this scene is uh...twofold, let’s say.

Issue 1: ThEN HE WILL WHAT, NATHAN? WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE BEFORE THAT WAS SO BAD if he’s not a hard criminal? Maybe an example would be useful here...?

Issue 2: The old Bill Avery would have heard “if he SEES YOU with ME” and mentally been like, “all right so it’s only bad if he SEES ME” and spied on Nathan.

Nathan wanting Bill to stay behind in case Dylan doubles back isn’t a terrible idea, but it almost comes across more like...the writers just want Nathan alone.

Scene 15: Oil

I like the discussion and that Hickam gets to do something. I feel like Henry is low-key advising against shooting the well, and that Lucas and Hickam will end up doing it and causing an issue. It’s just setting up for the future and it’s nice to see those kinds of scenes in the series again!

Scene 16: Jesse and Lee

I’d like this scene more if I felt it gave us ANY insight into the problem Jesse and Clara are having. It mostly comes across like Jesse gets home and does nothing at all until bedtime and Clara is lonely. Could have been a better scene. It’s mostly just repetitive right now.

Scene 17: Nathan Cancels the Date

“Tomorrow’s Saturday.” Nathan’s like uhhhhh. This actually works really well to do what it’s supposed to do. By that I mean, he seems “off” so Elizabeth realizes he’s a bit stressed and leaving town = mountie business = dangerous.

I kind of wish Rosemary and Elizabeth would talk more about this, but maybe that’s coming in an episode soon...?

Scene 18: The Barbershop

Just a cute nice scene that shows a good friendship between Fiona, Clara, and Faith. I like this stuff. Keep it coming, Hallmark!

(Skipping Scene 19 because it’s just Nathan riding around...)

Scene 20: Lee and Rosemary Scheme

I really enjoyed this little bit where they decide to buy something for Clara and Jesse and we don’t get to see what it is. Super wholesome and very fun!

Scene 21: Nathan gets Ambushed

This scene was absolutely wild. Probably one of the best scenes like this that they’ve ever done. Dylan taking Nathan’s hat, “Take care of my little girl” after he takes the money and Nathan’s gun. It was super good.

Also, not too fake that Nathan was on the ground that long. If you got roped off of your horse you’d have the wind knocked out of you super hard lmao.

Scene 22: Bill & The Girls

Clara and Fiona are so cute. Bill playing the “Dad” figure to them both is really nice and it’s good for him. “I’m a lawman. I get to sneak.” What a Bill response.

(Skipping Scene 23 since it’s just Nathan finding his horse.)

Scene 24: Lucas visits with Elizabeth

Lucas and Elizabeth are flirting via a nursery rhyme. I...don’t like that LOL. But Lucas’s “Helen Bouchard taught me to read and after that I was on my own.” She really sounds unloving. This was a pretty decent scene, though.

Also, Grand Isle Louisiana had a major hurricane in 1909 and 1915.

They also seem to have been hit by more mild hurricanes in 1916 and 1917, but the 1915 one was a Cat4, so...the most notable.

Scene 25: Rosemary and Lee in the Dress Shop

This tries to solve the issue of Clara and Jesse’s marital problems, but it doesn’t actually do that. “Let Jesse read when he gets home.” “I’ll talk to Jesse.” Meh.

Scene 26: Barbershop

“Why do this when you’re so good with women’s hair?” I fully expected Fiona to say, “That’s where all the hot gossip is, of course.” I do like her gumption, though!

Scene 27: Nathan Finds Dylan

“I had to let you ambush me, so I had grounds to put you away.” COLD BUT EFFECTIVE. I appreciate this.

Imagine getting to be this smug. I wish it were me.

Anyway, long-term thoughts on this are mostly that...there is just no reasonable way Dylan’s story is over yet. It’s too juicy of a storyline to let go this easily. Allie is going to find out what Nathan did and she’s going to struggle to come to terms with it, especially after her grandfather really did try to turn his life around. Why couldn’t it be the same for her father? Why couldn’t she get lucky like that?

I hope it feels satisfying, whatever they choose to do. Otherwise this was just wrapped up too neatly/too quickly.

Scene 28: Nathan Returns

Very good scene. Nathan’s in a good mood and he does my favorite trope of all time when one person in the relationship has a child: “Why don’t we all go?” You already all know each other, so why not? It’s wholesome and good, and it shows he doesn’t care how he gets to spend time with Elizabeth, as long as he does.

Also, it takes a lot of the pressure off of her for the duration of the date and at its conclusion. This was a cute and good scene, one of the better they’ve had, I think.

Scene 29: Jesse and Lee Talk

This was a nice attempt at a talk, but it really comes off like Jesse has stopped loving Clara for no reason. That his romantic interest in her is what is causing the failure in their relationship.

The problem is: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS CAUSING IT. NOBODY EVER SAID.

I agree that love isn’t “just” a feeling or “just” an emotion. It’s ALSO a choice. Marriage is a commitment you choose to continue every day. That is all good.

“Choose love. Then you feel it.” is probably some of the worst dialogue they’ve put in the show, though. Yuck. It left a bad taste in my mouth. It feels like it’s shaming people who legitimately fall out of love or who are in bad relationships. “If only you chose to work harder.”

I don’t think that was their intention at all, but it really soured the scene. I would have MUCH rather have had Lee get Jesse to talk about what’s wrong and then offer him pointers on how he could do better. Maybe he’s stressed out and losing himself in books, or he wishes Clara would sit and read with him because that’s something he always wanted. Or maybe Clara would be down for reading time if he read to her while she did her sewing.

There’s so much they could have done here to really send this home, but it didn’t work very well. At the very least Lee could have said, instead of ‘choose love’: CHOOSE COMMUNICATION. Make sure she knows you still feel that way about her.

The biggest thing is like, Lee could also be very encouraging in saying like, the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever but just because things settle down doesn’t mean the love is less.

THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD STUFF THEY COULD HAVE WRITTEN FOR THIS but they chose “Choose love. Then you feel it.” WTF. That’s awful advice.

Scene 30: Jesse and Clara

Him bringing her flowers was a nice touch, and her getting him the book was also nice. The tandem bike was SO unexpected to me and I loved it. It’s just goofy enough that it works. The best part is that they know it’s not going to fix anything, but it’s still a fun and nice thing to do, and that’s wonderful for Rosemary and Lee. They both like to make the people they care about happy.

Scene 31: Mama Bouchard

MILF ALERT.

Elizabeth is just so shook at all of this she doesn’t say a damn thing for so long it made my palms feel sweaty.

“Someone ought to take an interest in your writing, don’t you think?” I rewatched the episode to understand the tone, and it’s a little hoity-toity/uppity, but she actually doesn’t sound condescending. It’s good for an editor to meet the author, after all, and meet to talk about their writing/book. This has always been custom, even in the early 1900s. Authors didn’t usually get their work published by an editor they’d never met (though of course, you will find some exceptions).

From the little we saw, Helen seems fine. The preview for the next episode tells us she’s UH, AN EDITOR DOING HER JOB, so I’m not looking forward to the editor being the bad guy, but I guess I’ll have to deal with that when it arrives. (To be clear, Elizabeth has never proved to the audience that she’s a Good Writer, let alone a Great Writer. She’s also not experienced which means her work probably NEEDS SOME WORK.)

Anyway, Elizabeth is immediately rude as HELL. Nobody can make an excuse for this. Helen isn’t THAT big of a deal. There are other publishers. Your father is filthy rich. If she changes her mind about your book you can pub to someone via your father if you have to. Like...Helen wouldn’t have taken you on if she didn’t see any potential in you.

Even if it was a big deal, Elizabeth has NEVER been a flake. EVER.

This is a classic case of a writer forcing the character to go out of character in order to bend to what the plot dictates.

If I were Nathan, I’d drop Elizabeth like a brick.

How to fix this scene? I’ll honestly have to think about that for a while. This was the first hint of truly bad writing this season. The bit with Lee and “choose love” was careless writing, but this scene with Nathan is just Bad.

The thing is, I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. I know they put this in there so that it looks like she’ll choose Lucas because she never even goes out with Nathan, and then BOOM. I know it’s meant to be this big thing about how she’s scared to feel anything for Nathan because Lucas is the safer option and also a good man (so why would she fall for the more frightening option?).

But this was not the right way to do this type of scene. I hope to God in the next episode someone says something about it. Allie could tell her it was rude and it hurt Nathan’s feelings/you shouldn’t have said yes if you didn’t want to. It’d be fully in character for her. Rosemary could also say something similar. If they do, I might be able to forgive this...but if it’s not called attention to by the other characters, then it’s a massive failure as a scene to me.

Did I miss anything? Do you want my thoughts on something in particular? Shoot me a message HERE and I’ll do my best to answer!

#when calls the heart #long post #season 8 shenanigans #season 8 spoilers #episode write ups

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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1st dream I ever had of JA together was right after I started my new job at the tax spot, and Jay was texting me about a house they wanted to rent and was looking for a roommate to help cut the cost. They showed me this brown house with an upstairs and downstairs, but it was like near the Northside kinda...but near Kettering. I remember looking at the map thinking dang it look kinda rough in the neighborhood, but 800 something month sounded good split between 3 ppl.

The dream that night was us in this small looking house in the forest, but we were happy until we actually went outside towards our backyard and there was the trees. Pine trees to be specific. We started running towards it because we were playing a game,, idk if it was tag or hide and seek...all I know is that it felt like we both were playing, me and Jay running with Ayunna nearby running too, and then all of a sudden we had to start running back to the house cause a bunch of peopl started coming out of the woods chasing us, before we even hit the trees.

We ran for our lives, at almost full speed, but I don't remember who hit the house first and no they didn't look like zombies. It was just a burst of a bunch of people covered in black, from head to toe chasing us, going as fast as we were. I remember when I got to the house I couldn't find everyone and I told my lil sister (idk why she was there) to go check downstairs and low and behold Ayunna was whispering, calling someone on the phone as she was in the living room and I was peeking in on her through the kitchen. She said my name and said it sort of alert, but kept it on hush hush like a teacher calling a student's parent. She said "Kylee's shaking and freaking out about it."

And I think she meant it like I was ready to go home. I thought she was calling her mom, cause I didn't plan on telling my mom about moving out with them at the time.

Because I was scared and paranoid about being far away from home with strangers chasing us from the woods. I didn't see Jay when she made the phone call, Interestingly enough. I remember there was a closet filled with supplies with like an orange kayak, some sports gear, some oars, and some other stuff. I don't remember what I was looking for in the dream, I was just trying make sure nobody from outside got into the house.

Crazy right? And this was in 2019. Had I said anything, I'm sure they would have just thought it was a bad dream. The house in the dream didn't look Nothing like the house Jay had shown me. It looked sorta different, because there wasn't no carpet on the floor except in the living room. The house in the ad had carpet everywhere.

Also, as gross as I'm willing to admit....the 1st sexual dream of Jay happened in January right before we got let go of that bookstore temp job....

Jay was grinding on me fully clothed and kept grunting the words "respect it" with each ride/hump on my..... I woke up wet and confused because I didn't understand why Jay would have said that to me, hovering over me, starting with a serious face, one hand over my left shoulder, the other between my right arm and right side of my body. As if I was supposed to be scared or something....like wayyy too rough.

Now that I see it, I think Jay wanted me to respect their privacy and their body. Because around that time, I was questioning if I was even gay and how I could possibly even like them when I didn't even know if they had a dick or not or nothing at all....I was concerned and confused because Jay was taken and why was I thinking about it so damn hard for like a solid week I didn't see them at work and it drove me nuts not to know, but I couldn't ask cause that's rude. I kept trying to prove myself wrong with counteraccusations like "how can you know you're gay, when you haven't even kissed a girl? We don't know if she or they has boy parts?"

I felt really guilty about liking Jay, someone out of the spectrum and not my normal type....cause they weren't normal. They were like an alien to me, I usually could observe people 1st before talking to them and trusting them to see if we would even be a good fit or so....but in Jay's situation....i needed to do some research before I was the curious George asking too much information that I shouldn't have been interested in knowing but still wanted to know for my own sake. Like how to address non binary ppl, how to say they and use the pronouns, and xr./xrs. or etc...but Jay wanted to be called Mister later on.

I made sure I knew alot more than my coworkers to be prepared for conversation matters so I didn't come off like an ignorant associate who didn't bother to Google it before saying it out loud. Cause with anything new, I always google 1st and look on reddit for unfiltered personal opinions about stuff.

Which is still the reason why I think Jay could actually want to date/have sex with men in the future. after taking hormones so many ftms said once the dysphoria felt like it was gone and they were comfortable being themselves, as a man...they started opening back up that door they once closed towards men. Some even went girls only, to bisexual, to just gay (dating men). And there were a bit more reddit asking why there isn't as many straight ftms and why is there more ftms turning gay after transitioning....which sorta sucked to hear but I needed to know in case I had another panic attack again from being shocked from any more unexpected, extreme news from someone who always acted like they were anti-dick. Even to go as far as declining dick offers from sugarmommas they told me about.

It was gross to hear that they offered me up to that same random sugarmomma without even asking me if I was comfortable or even wanted to have sex with another stranger. Cause I sure as hell didn't. They just offered my name up to her, like they were selling me off as some hoe-sub. Being petty cause I started looking for an actual commitment on tinder.

I hated them for doing stupid, inconsiderate, uncomfortable shit like that, thinking Imma just go along with everything just because I liked them.

I'm still mad about that too. That jealous pig. Man whore themselves. They've slept with more ppl than me and had the nerve to call.me a "bedhopper" when you're the one getting yourself emotionally caught up and cheating on your girl by breaking rules she told you not too. Petty, angsty, stupid bitch with man issues. Didn't want nobody checking them about they behavior cause I guess they thought they were being overdominated.

This idiot thought I was tryna challenge their dominance (red flag #142🚩lol) when I said sarcastically "I wasn't gonna buy you none, anyway" when Jay interrupted me with "oh I don't want any candy." after I said as we waited in the avengers movie line "I should have gone to the dollar party to get some candy, had I known it was gonna be this long of a wait." They thought I was being hostile....when noooo I was just stating the candy wasn't for you, and why should I give a fuck? Lol 😆 I always do that with my sisters and parents at home. That's how we talk to each other, sarcastic assholes and smart jokes. I asked Jay is your masculinity sensitive after they called me out about making that comment that I thought wasn't offensive...but I guess it rubbed then the wrong way?? But like how, cause it was about candy and I wasn't mad at them when I said it.

They took that candy comment way too seriously. Cause even ayunna agreed with Jay that I was challenging their dominance? Like wtffff how can I challenge someone's dominance without even being aggressive, pushing a button, or getting in your face?

I think they thought I was just the nice girl who never talks back. Bullshiiiiittttt I have a mouth. I'm allowed to speak 🤣😅 fucking idiots and they thought I was the sensitive one. Jay sensitive too. Any time they felt less like a man, they took it out on us, like a lil crybaby, like a punk. But I didn't say anything....cause it seemed like anything I said to defend myself they would get into my head too about how it don't make sense.

Truly I think we just came from 2 different backgrounds, one where I was taught to obey but speak my mind. And Jay was taught that control and making others controlled by fear, while they got to be enabled to do so...was their life at home being the oldest. I never like even my own manager for doing that, controlling, poking, and bitching about stress then then taking it out on us because he has anger and commitment issues at biglots.

Jay came from "I'm the man, you're supposed to shut up and be quiet when I say it." I came from a house that woulda whooped yo ass for saying shit like that to my own momma. We don't play that shit around here and I grew up in the south, and southern raised folk. You always respect women just as proper and equal as men too. Yes sir, thank you ma'am, and do you need some napkins, that southern hospitality and respect for other people, friends, and family I was taught that. Jay must have not been taught manners and stuff like I did. My momma and daddy a mind even teachers made me be nice and be a good listener, and a good student always ready, alert, paying attention. You got off task, you fall behind in school, so always pay attention. Dad always was hard on me reminding me to do my best and treat people the way you want to be treated.

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eyes-like-a-pisces · 4 years

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Rules: Answer 10 questions, tag 10 people and make another 10 questions.🧜‍♀️

Questions from my astrological twin: @maiden-song 💕

1. if you could choose to glimpse the afterlife, would you?

Yes, I would. I think a lot about It.

2. under what circumstances do you think you past life was lived?

I could have had many past lifes. I think I was a native american, cause I've always felt bonded to their tradicion and same with China, cause when I hear the sound of Erhu - traditional chinese instrument, something wakes up in me. I've also always wanted to see Sweden & Finland, so maybe I was doing something there... I mean, I could do anything. I see myself in biblical times, as well as middle ages. I could be a renaissance artist, as well as dying of hunger during victorian era, or something, and that's probably why I'm still careful with money, haha. For my latest one, I think I could have been a hippie in the 60/70s and had some drug use experience, cause when I was a child I used have dreams about taking drugs, even if I didn't know anything about It. I also had some experience with psychics (and "psychics"), my mom had a past life regression and she told me she saw me few times... I don't take anything for granded, but reincarnation is one of my favourite theories.

3. what three skills would you instantly master if you had the choice?

Playing every instrument, speaking every language, singing beautifully

4. would your rather no passion or no pain?

No pain. Everything is needed in life, but you know, enough is enough.

5. if you had a chance to leave this world and go to another one, would you take it?

Depends of the world and who I would meet there. Even if this world can be cruel and disappointing at times, I still have some love for him and humanity.

6. if you could smell like anything in the world, what would it be?

Like the first day of spring, when you go outside and the air smells different. Or a storm.

7. do you feel like common interests or philosophical comparability are not important?

They are very important. I can't imagine a relationship without similar interests, views. You either get bored or fight constantly. I think that the whole point of searching a partner is trying to find things you got in common. The more similar you are, the more understood you feel and more you are attracted to them. That's my experience at least. That's a very basic example, but as you may noticed, I'm very much into music and I was dating a guy, who wasn't into music that much at all. I thought It doesn't matter at first, but then I started feeling like I'm missing my favourite way to connect with other person. Once I met a guy who loved music as much as I do, I'm sorry to admit It, but my partner became unattractive to me.

Similar interests and views are needed at the beginning, to bond with somebody, and later, to simply enjoy spending time together (thanks Captain Obvious). I mean... chemistry and good will are not enough for a relationship to last. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you have to be identical and agree on everything - some differences can be inspiring, balance your relationship and teach you something new. It's also ok and even needed, to have some separate hobbies, things that you like to do on your own. There are also other important things, like, if you equally care about each other and if you are on the same page in general, but I can't imagine not agreeing in the key points and things that are the most important to you. And the only person who can decide what is the most important is the person who is in that relationship, no matter if It's about interests, philosophy or religion. But beside a romantic relationship, I think It's good to be surrounded by different people and listen what they got to say.

8. if there was one mystery you alone could learn the answer too, what would it be?

The mystery of life in general. Why we are here, is there any destiny, how we are connected, how this universe works, what happens after death...

9. in your opinion, is there anything more important than love?

No :) (I'm not talking about putting your relationship before other things. I'm talking about love as a big force and meaning of this universe)

10. describe a new planet you would live on, if you could.

I want things to be diverse, monumental... Maybe another moon, why not. As a concept of the world, I wish there would be peace :) everybody has their safe place to live, will to live, passion, purpose, someone to love and who loves them back. Amen.

Questions from @mybloodiedvalentine 💕👯

1. What is an unpopular opinion you hold you about which you feel strongly and with which you seem to notice a lot of people disagree?

Nothing specific comes to my mind at the moment (that I haven't mentioned before). I sure have some, but what's unpopular opinion in general and what's unpopular opinion on tumblr, are two different things. Maybe, that the "tumblr positivity" is not really helpful. Like: "in case you need to hear this: you are smart, you are loved... ". How do you know that? Those are just empty words. But It's better to spread positivity than negativity, of course.

2. What is the nicest thing a stranger has ever told you that you can recall?

Oh, I had a few situations like that... This is so lovely, when a stranger wants to just be genuinely nice, not just catcalling you...For example, when I was with my 3 girlfriends at the club and 2 ladies in their 40s where like: "excuse me, we just wanted to say that we can't stop starring at you all, cause you are the priettiest girls in the club." And we were like: aww, omg, you are beautiful too, come dance with us. And we were all dancing in our witches circle ignoring all sweaty men around us, haha. Or when my mom went to the the same hair saloon as me and asked hair dresser if she remembers me and she said that she does and that I'm nice and intelectual. I'm her faithful client now ;_; (Sorry for sucking my own dick, but It was nice to remind myself about these situations).

3. Has a piece of art or music ever made you cry? If so, do you remember a specific moment?

Crying to music is my passion. The latest intense moment was few days ago. I was loading a dishwasher at night and I played some music and then "lover you should've come over" by Jeff Buckley came on and sudden wave of lonelliness hit me so hard, that I just had to put down the plate, hide my face in my hands and weep ✌

4. What’s your favourite piece of clothing?

Idk, maybe my Penny Lane coat :)

5. What’s a random childhood memory that fills you with a deep sense of comforting nostalgia?

Sledding with kids during a very cold winter in my home town, until It got dark and snow looked like sprinkled with glitter and having my freezed feet warmed up with a hair dryer, when I came back home, haha.

6. What is/was your favourite thing about your mom? If not your mom, your dad? Or best friend?

My favourite thing about my mom is that she's tolerant and open minded. I didn't have to lie to her or pretend I'm someone I'm not because of that. My favourite thing about my dad is that he actually cared about being a parent, even tho my parents divorced. I respect that he has unwavering morals and huge knowledge about a world - biology, astronomy, music, art...- subject doesn't matter- but he is very modest about It.

7. What’s something you learned on your own of which you’re proud?

Playing guitar

8. When was a moment in your life you remember laughing the hardest?

I was playing cards since I was a kid. After few years, when I was about 13 y. o. I got the first poker, a royal flush. When I saw my cards, I'm not sure why, I just coudn't believe my luck, I started laughing so hard I almost died.

9. What do you like to do when you’re having a hard time mentally that invariably calms you down?

Really depends of the kind of situation and if It's triggered by something or just a longer period of time feeling in a certain way. The is no a magic trick, but some things might be helpful. When It's concrete situation, at first, when the feelings are really intense, then I just can't calm down. Every try to do so, has a reverse effect. Like, I CAN'T THE FUCK CALM DOWN and It makes me even more angry. Brain needs about 20 min to chill, if It's not triggered, so It's better to be left alone and just go mad a little until brain will have enough haha. Have a good cry, listen to some music, have a lonely walk, write my feelings down etc.

I like to listen to Teal Swan on youtube. She's a spiritual teacher. I know, It might not sound encouragingly, but she actually seems very down to earth. She has a video about like, every emotion and every problem ever. She's very good in naming feelings, rationalizing them and It makes you feel more understood. And It calms me down as result. ASMR doesn't work for me, but I remember that at some point I liked to listen to sounds of the nature, like rain, waves etc + guided meditation to fall asleep.

Music always helps in general - listening, playing guitar, singing. I also like to take an oil and do a face massage. I'm really sorry if I sound like an instagram influencer 🤢, but when you feel bad for a longer time, you frown and there is a tention in your jaw, it can be really relieving. I follow instructional videos on yt.

When I have a longer period of going into downward spiral, then every way to distract my brain is good - TV shows, internet content that is not related to my life situation (although, sometimes It's good to distance yourself from social media), for example, I like criminal podcasts, cause they are occupying enough to distract a miserable brain, meeting somebody, going to a place I've never been before. + any kind of shedule, reason to leave the house, any goal, anything positive to look forward to and having even the simplest things done, is a blessing (even if sometimes It's the last thing I wanna do). I also tend to be much sadder in the evening, so I just go to sleep. When nothing works, then It's time for the professional help.

10. Do you have a favourite holiday memory?

Discovering Cocteau Twins.

Best regards if u actually read all that chatter, but those questions were so interesting, that I couldn't limit myself to one sentence answer (in most cases).

My questions are:

1. Who or what was the most influential for your music taste?

2. If you could time travel, where and when would you like to go first?

3. If you could be someone from an opposite gender for a day, how would you like to look like and what would you do?

4. Do you have a style icon/inspiration? Or a favourite designer? Desribe your dream clothing style

5. What's the song by a band/artist from your country that you could recommend? (From your hometown or state eventually)

6. What is the most rebellious thing you've ever done?

7. Has ever something in your life happened, that you coudn't explain with logic?

8. What 5 objects someone could use to summon you?

9. What is your favourite name from your culture's language? And outside your culture's language?

10. What's a song you normally wouldn't admit you like or different from music that you usually listen, but still enjoy?

I tag: @winterdryad @bowiepop @nightmare @confusion-in-the-sea-of-sorrow @l0w-budget @numberoneblind @mirandasinclairs @mysticbride @leperwitch @comeacrossthedesertnoshoeson @hexafu @mielmelancolie @arcane-delight

#don't reblog this or any of my personal posts please #and thank you

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snkpolls · 5 years

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SnK S3E22 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 305 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated! And we apologize for the delay in getting the results posted!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 290 Responses

The final episode received mid to high ratings overall, with 74.5% of participants rating it at a 5. No doubt the anime staff did a great job closing the season.

Greatest ending of a season ever.

i cant watch the ocean scene without crying so id say it was a pretty good ep

This episode was beyond boring and the ending was captivating, but still not enough to make up for such a boring episode.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS THE MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT? 299 Responses

Several of the preferred moments in the episode took place at long-awaited ocean. 40.1% of participants were most impacted by Eren’s despairing words while looking across the sea. 18.1% enjoyed seeing exchanged smiles between Armin and Mikasa, and 14.7% most loved the first time the Survey Corps laid eyes on the ocean.

Rarely have I seen a scene so beautiful that had so much episodes of set-up. The ocean scene lived up to the hype. EMA finally got to the see the Umi

The ocean scene was more beautiful than I could've imagined.

Floch was spitting FIRE!!

At this point I'm just glad they did justice to everyone finally seeing the ocean. The scene seemed to fall a little flat in the manga - not too badly, but enough that it didn't hit me the way I thought it would. The extra build up the anime added, along with seeing it in motion and hearing the voice acting, gave the anime version a lot more punch.

DID PIXIS AND HISTORIA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION BY CHOOSING TO REVEAL THE TRUTH TO THE PUBLIC? 298 Responses

Pixis and Historia decided it was best to share the truth of the outside world with the public, no matter the response. 93% of participants believed this was the right call, while a smaller percent thought otherwise or were unsure.

They did it, but it was just kinda spilled to the public and caused a lot of uproar. I dunno if letting the newspaper report on it was the best idea.

WHO DO YOU THINK WROTE THE “INTENTS FOR THE FUTURE” EXCERPT IN THE EYE CATCH? 294 Responses

The mid-episode information card showed an entry about “Intent for the Future” in response to the truth of the world. 49.7% of participants believe the talk of diplomacy implied Armin was the author, whereas 16.3% believe it was Hange. 13.9% think the contemplative tone may have been Eren’s doing.

I think the "intents for the future" is written by Hange, since it says "watashi" and only they have "the duty" to come up with a better plan than the rumbling.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FIRST IF YOU’VE NEVER SEEN OR KNEW ABOUT THE OCEAN BEFORE? 294 Responses

Had there been no prior real world awareness of the ocean, 60.9% of participants would choose to slowly dip their feet in the water during their first encounter. 17.7% would rather observe the strange discovery from afar, and 11.2% would contemplate the meaning of life.

WHOSE INITIAL REACTION TO THE SEA WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 299 Responses

The characters’ first reactions varied upon their initial encounter with the sea. 30.4% of participants most enjoyed Armin’s marveled gaze at his most anticipated dream, while 22.7% liked Mikasa’s surprised reaction the most. Eren’s less impressed and discouraged expressions were most favored by 18.1% of participants.

Armin and Mikasa at the ocean scene was one of the BEST THINGS EVER.

I thought the animation in the first half was a little weak, but damn, I could watch Armin gaze fondly upon the ocean for hours. The animation there was on point.

Armin and Mikasa were so cute in the ocean scene, smiling and blushing!!! Seeing Armin's happy tears after finally seeing the ocean was really moving too!! <3 I'm sad though Eren couldn't enjoy it the same way as them...

HOW WELL DID THE ANIME TEAM ADAPT CHAPTER 90? 295 Responses

The episode only covered chapter 90, but a majority of participants believed the anime did a faithful adaptation of the manga, with 78.6% saying it was near perfect.

It was fucking perfect and I even dare to say it was better than in the manga. Animation, background music, characters expressions, seiyuus - these made this episode so great. I really cried when I watched and listened to Eren talking about freedom and enemy, what didnt happen to me when I read it. I could feel his deep sadness and it was better shown how much he's changed. Kudos to everyone at studio WIT involved in snk and especially this episode

The pacing was a bit too slow. They could’ve picked up the pace a bit by maybe adding one more anime only scene. Also, they should have left off with Falco.

HOW WELL DID THE ANIME DEPICT THE FIRST MOMENT OF SEEING THE OCEAN? 296 Responses

Finally seeing the ocean animated in full color, 54.7% of participants thought the moment exceeded the manga version with the captivating visuals and awed expressions. 38.2% compared it equally emotional as the manga version while 5.1% were pleased but preferred the moment in the manga.

They made it look so wholesome I nearly forgot Eren’s suffering

Idk I didn't see because there was water in my line of sight. That happens every time since the episode that broke my heart.

It felt so unreal, they did an incredible job of transcribing from the point of view of the characters and I think I felt at least as upset as they were by discovering the beautiful graphics of the ocean.

It was underwhelming and I didn’t care for the scene at all

IN THE ANIME, EREN GETS OFF OF HIS HORSE AND TOUCHES THE IMMOBILE TITAN. WHAT’D YOU THINK OF THIS CHANGE? 299 Responses

The anime altered the moment Eren sees the immobile titan by including him dismounting his horse and physically touching its head. 74.9% of participants thought the moment properly captured Eren’s newfound sympathy for the titans as fellow compatriots. 9.7% believe it made him look more sympathetic than in reality, and 5.7% didn’t think the change was needed.

It made more clean to the audience that Eren new target/enemy are not the titans anymore, now feeling pity for their compatriots. And his templance and tone remind us Kruger/Grisha presence on him, his hatred for Marley.

I was pinned on the spot, and I had to look at this passage several times to be sure of having seen well. Wow, Eren touched a titan and considers him "one of theirs". This passage was made without special emphasis, as if it was normal that Eren had compassion for a titan, and it really shaken me.

I think it was a rly nice addiction but I dont think its about Eren symphatizing with the titans, rather to me it shows Eren's melancholy of facing the truth about the titans. He wasnt feeling sympathy or pity for that titan, just the truth that it was once a person, the truth outside the walls, beyond the ocean.

it was an odd change but it kinda illustrated just how much of an impact memories/paths are having on eren’s mind

It was a bit cheesy

Eren is now the titan whisperer

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FEW FRAMES OF THE ATTACK ON LIBERIO IN THE END CREDITS? 297 Responses

The ending credits revealed some scenes of the Attack on Liberio and its aftermath. 64.3% of participants felt the inclusion was a good way to build suspense for the final season, while 24.2% think the scenes were too subtle for anime viewers to react and specifically catered to manga readers.

As for the ending itself, it's a good thing they released extra pics, but the main issue; if you follow the anime, is this: the screencaps don't show where it's located, not when these events take place. It could take place on Paradis, it could mean the mean Marleys are attacking in full force again, or if we're this far in the manga, it could be assumed the characters at the sea have no choice but to become monsters to fight the monsters of the outside world... which goes against what the manga portrays when you take into account there's been 9 chapters dedicated to show the POV from the other side of the ocean.

THERE ARE A COUPLE SCENES IN THE END CREDITS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN ILLUSTRATED IN THE MANGA. DO YOU BELIEVE THESE ARE FUTURE PANELS THAT WILL APPEAR LATER IN THE STORY? 297 Responses

There were a few scenes in the credits that were not illustrated in the manga. 53.2% of participants believe these will be future panels in the upcoming manga chapters, but 38% aren’t quite sure. A smaller 8.8% think the scenes are just for show or anime only and will not make a comeback in the manga.

WHO IS THE GIRL STUDENT IN THE UNIFORM? 296 Responses

One of the unillustrated scenes showed a girl in a school uniform among other students. 37.8% think the student is an Eldian, and 35.8% think she is Marleyan. 19.6% believe this is the future depicting a modern-day student. Will she be shown again? Some believe this is someone we already knew.

Also, I'm leaning towards the theory that the girl in the uniform is Lady Tybur when she attended a private school.

The girl student in the uniform is likely Ms Tybur (the Warhammer titan), as the school looks quite prestigious, and they are the only high class characters of importance in Marley. I hope this means that we might get a bit more on her character in the anime adaptation.

WITH THE PV CONFIRMATION THAT THE 4TH SEASON WILL BE THE FINAL ONE, WHAT’S YOUR GUESS FOR WHEN THE MANGA WILL END? 298 Responses

The brief preview announcement of the 4th season set to release confirmed it would be the anime’s final season. With the release date in the fall of next year, 44.6% of manga reading participants believe the manga series will conclude in mid to late 2020. 22.8% think the manga will end early in the beginning of next year, and 14.8% believe Isayama and the animation studio will work together to release the finale of both the manga and anime around the same time. As of recently, Isayama thinks he has about a year left to complete his story, but only time will tell when it actually ends.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

Not your usual beach episode lol. Wished the stinger is they show Falco looking up on sky in Fort Slava, but maybe it's too revealing for anime onlies?

I can't believe we've come this far already. Everything was beautifully done, the end credits were just absolutely poignant and the extra scenes have only made me more impatient for more Manga chapters.

It's probably the episode of Snk that caused the most emotion in me. Eren's seiyuu especially, but also Armin's were really excellent. The melancholy of Eren's voice, and the hope so fragile and so beautiful of Armin, appeared to me strikingly thanks to that. The separation that prefigures in EMA trio, and the dreams that break as they face what they had sought from the beginning pierced me.

That piano score that played throughout the end credits...Sure Sawano you can tear out my heart, this show's gotten me used to it anyway…

Also can I just say Mikasa in the ocean was really fucking adorable? Because she was. I've always had this headcanon that she would love the ocean because the half of her that isn't an Ackerman is from the ""East Sea Clan"" and so I would think coastal life and seafaring would be in her blood. This episode has only strengthened this headcanon for me. :)

I miss Erwin. I don't think that'll ever change, but duuudes Floch made me cry every harder. He's such a lost kid and he's alone in his grief. No one should be alone 😭

years of waiting and god has finally gifted us with a masterpiece.

The anime-only scenes were a very nice touch, and added to the emotion of the arc. Considering what's become of Eren and Floch (ugh) now, the scene where Eren touches the Titan, followed by Floch hanging behind for a moment, seemed quite telling. Can't wait to see the next season (and all the death and destruction that unfortunately accompanies it).

Honestly this season, and potentially the entire series was ruined for me because of how they handled Uprising. It was an alright adaptation, with some admittedly outstanding scenes, but the first part of the season really killed my hype for the second part.

Mikasa’s smile to Armin was the only part of this episode I thought was done more effectively than in the manga. She’s been through so much; it was sweet to see her out of her element in a GOOD way, WITH her family there. This scene cemented her as my 3rd favorite character.

I picked up on the little, subtle changes, and I really enjoyed them. WIT did an amazing job on this episode, and it was fairly lived up to.

There wasn't much filler, but I liked what they did with adding Grisha's distorted facial expression and how they conveyed Eren's at the end of the first half. Also nice Floch filler where he asks why the SC doesn't cull that titan lol.

Hitch broke my heart ;-;

I’m not ready. Somebody save us! I don’t want hobo Eren yet!

Truly amazing. It was really refreshing to see the characters taking a break from all the gore and enjoy the moment. Great ending.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 284 Responses

Thank you to everyone who participated!

#snk poll #snk polls #snk s3 #poll results

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debbiewilder · 5 years

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Pool Scene in GLOW 1x04

Maybe I have some thoughts about it. Let’s find out!

Firstly, let’s just talk context for this interaction. The last time Ruth and Debbie interacted, Debbie said, “You’re not my friend” and stared at Ruth from the back of a cab. They haven’t spoken/interacted the rest of 1x03 and none of 1x04 so far.

In 1x04, Mark says he wants to move back in. Not even to their bedroom, just to the guest room. Debbie finds the idea of such closeness with him so repulsive to the point where she refuses to sleep in the same building as Mark and ends up moving into the Dusty Spur.

We end up with this shot:

This lighting here is quite interesting to me. The gaffer/cinematographer/director chose to give very little light to Debbie especially relative to the rest of the shot (her body becomes a shadow in the image vs say how the bright the wallpaper is) and kept the light to her left off so she could remain motivated in the image to be relatively dark. I think this kind of emphasizes how withdrawn and lost she is in this moment. It’s also interesting because she’s at the center of the frame but there’s a powerlessness in how dark she is while being center of frame. Kind of goes along w her arc. Center of attention but lost in that role.

The camera is low to the ground, looking up at the vast emptiness of the ceiling and rest of the room. The angle helps emphasize the emptiness and shabbiness of her new living situation (versus her house that she’s just left). The angle allows us to see more of it.

We cut to a scene of the GLOW girls accidentally watching Sam’s dating video, then we get back to Debbie. The inner turmoil, which is shown visually in the other shot, leads her to want a break from the room. (Ugh I love this shot outside.)

She’s in such darkness especially relative to the rest of the image. It’s like how she is with GLOW: bright, neon lights (loud, lively women) while Debbie is grappling with so much darkness and brooding underneath. I think it’s fitting this is the shot we cut to from the GLOW girls hanging out and laughing about Sam. The quietness of this scene juxtaposed with the liveliness of the scene before underlines how Debbie feels. There’s a sliver of light on her face and back that help shape her rather than leave her a black blob in the frame. Oh and lol the Caution sign behind her. I don’t know if that has significance. But, yeah I love the bright, neon colors while the subject is so dark and just the shot as a whole and how she travels the distance of almost the entire frame as she walks across.

She walks to the pool.

The first thing we see here is her distorted, moving reflection. Debbie has a lot of reflection shots throughout the series. We’re introduced to Debbie in front of a mirror at an exercise class. She looks in the mirror in her second scene, the changing room scene. In tons of scenes, she’s looking in the mirror.

But, here, it’s sort of a twist on that. The pool makes her reflection distorted, broken, hard to understand/figure out. This brings her inner turmoil to something visual. She doesn’t have any solid ground in her life any more. She’s in a completely new place likely for the first time in years. She refused to stay near Mark. She doesn’t know what she wants or who she is. Plus, she’s stuck with wrestling craziness with Ruth, which is super confusing. So, her reflection here...reflects that.

In terms of performance, her slow, meditative, aimless walking also reflects that she’s lost in this moment.

And the camera tilts up from this distorted, strange reflection. We see first her shadow, then Debbie as dark in the image as her shadow. There’s this level of loss and confusion here shown through the lighting choices in conjunction with this reflection.

Then she finds her way to the lounging chair by the pool.

Debbie sits and leans back, again slowly, no place to go.

Throughout this whole scene of her walking, music plays in the ground. She sits, music continues to play. As soon as she sees Ruth, the music cuts out. We feel the tension of this moment even more because of the sound design/music choice. We’re left with the bare reality of the scene—the crickets in the night and the characters breathing and what Debbie will choose to do and that’s it…this sound choice heightens the stakes of this moment and helps us feel the shock Debbie feels right then.

Also, her face is almost in complete profile when she discovers Ruth. This points out how Debbie doesn’t know what she’s going to do since half of her is completely unreadable to us and herself. We can’t get in her head when we see her from the side like this…we don’t know what she’s going to do (she doesn’t know either). Add to that, the side of her face that is closest to us is almost completely dark. Her eye that we see is basically a black blob. She’s hard to read. To us and to herself. Like her reflection in the pool. She’s totally unsettled in her thoughts and the visuals all point that out. The contrast in lighting on both sides of her face, favoring the side that is dark, seeing her in profile, and the prior shot with weird reflection etc etc

And, Debbie JERKS all the way up. This is a really sudden move especially in contrast to the rest of the scene of her roaming slowly about. She’s just that shocked by Ruth’s presence. This choice she will make in this moment means that much to her.

Also, Debbie was just lovingly rubbing Randy’s back, but when she sees Ruth, she grips Randy tightly as she sits up. Yes, sure, she has to grip in order to sit up and safely hold him but also I think it’s to feel secure in this moment, too.

Then, we see Debbie from head on.

This is the most lit we’ve seen her face in the Dusty Spur. This is the closest we’ve been to her head on in this space where we can see her whole face. Of course, half of her is still in shadow. She’s still very lost. But, as she makes this quiet choice for herself to stay, we see more of her, more because of lighting and framing and the rest.

I think the string of lights behind her is also really nice. Not only does it increase the contrast in the shot, it just feels more in line with this moment of clarity and her making this big choice to stay near Ruth since her need for Ruth is so deep seeded that, when alone, she can’t help but indulge in it, that when she’s lost she finds an anchor in Ruth’s presence. Oh, also random side note/reach, the string of lights are sort of reminiscent of the wrestling lights randomly and also the bright lights in earlier shots like her walking past the motel sign and her sitting in her room. Surrounded by bright lights of GLOW and motels while Debbie is barely lit. Supposed to be the star but filled with all this anguish etc idk I just find the visual choice really nice and in line with the rest of the scene and also with wrestling ring lighting. Anyway.

She continues to look at Ruth basically this whole time, taking in what this choice means for her, what Ruth means to her, taking only a brief moment to look at Randy.

While there’s clearly a great distance still between them, this physical distance revealing the vast emotional distance, Debbie isn’t walking away like she did with Mark.

Also, in a way I find it interesting that the image we’re left with is of two bodies of equal size in the frame separated by a pool. So much of the series is them trying to sort out how to find equality in their friendship. Ruth felt inferior, then Debbie felt inferior when Ruth betrayed her. But, here by the pool and in wrestling they find equality. And, that’s what helps bridge this vast emotional and physical distance between them.

Okay, and the pool that was revealing Debbie’s distorted/broken reflection of sorts earlier is also still there in the middle, providing the gap between them. I don’t know if that has any importance. Like that Debbie’s confusion over her identity because of Ruth’s betrayal ends up being what causes the distance. Or that Debbie will be freed of her distorted reflection when she finds clarity with Ruth and lets go of her animosity about the past and gets close to her once again. Or…I don’t know.

Seeing her make this choice is really important to understanding Debbie and her dynamic with Ruth. Debbie tries to play a role as angry diva because it makes her feel safe when others are watching. But, we see time and again that she just doesn’t feel safe to reveal how she truly feels and scenes like this, scenes where she’s not forced to act in front of others, help show what she truly feels.

We understand more about Debbie in this moment as Debbie finds solid ground and clarity in this decision for herself. She refuses to spend a minute in the same building with Mark. But, when Ruth’s not watching, when no one is, she’s free to express how much she needs Ruth. So, she stays.

Part of her journey in ways is her finding a way to express that need for Ruth in a healthy way, in a way that allows Ruth to know Debbie needs her. Given the level of loss and betrayal there, that’ll take a hell of a lot longer. (or not bc the show won't do this justice).

I’ll also add that this moment is a discovery for her. It’s not like she knows she’ll go to Ruth’s side and stay by her side. She probably would expect, if someone asked her earlier this ep, that given this situation, she’d run in the other direction. But, Debbie is feeling so lost and identity-less and without a home and regardless the truth is, when actually confronted with Ruth and with the freedom of it just being Debbie’s choice without the weight of other eyes on her, Ruth becomes something to hold onto, something real to comfort Debbie, and so she’s shocked to see Ruth there, yes, but she’s also shocked that she can’t leave Ruth’s side either. And, that’s the moment we sort of lock into what this series is. Debbie chooses to stay near Ruth because she loves her too much to leave despite how Ruth fucked up. Because Debbie doesn’t know who she is without Ruth. She can leave her husband, she can’t even stand to be near him, but she needs to be near Ruth, even if and especially if Ruth doesn’t know this is the case. (This is how Debbie retains her “power,” not letting Ruth know how much power Ruth has over her).

#glow #meta #glow meta #glownalysis #k turned out i had a lot of thoughts on this scene sfjkdsdk #debbie eagan #i guess i'll just be periodically adding to this bc i keep having new thoughts and this scene is so important to the series #even if like 20 seconds ksdjdfsl

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neongenesisimpacts · 6 years

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I'm really happy I still have this space, because I feel like there are things I can talk about here I can't on my Facebook. That's nice. Also Facebook can be so much™.

What have I been up to? Mostly activism stuff and feeling lonely/sad/exhausted 95% of the time. But there have been good moments.

1. It's an inexplicable feeling, but me and more I've been really happy that I was able to live here. I think the number one thing that really depressed me about living in St. Louis was my level of connection to others. And in a lot of ways, that's still something I have to work on. I still feel like I'm compartmentalizing a lot of my life here? And I don't like that. But there are people who care about me. Who would cry if I was gone. And that's nice? Don't get me wrong, I'm still a lonely loser who literally spends most of their time outside of work in bed. But there are people here who care about me, as little as I believe that about myself. And that gives me hope.

2. I've actually...managed to get close to two people here. One of them is such an awkward nerd and it's adorable. They're really quiet and withdrawn, and somehow those qualities combined with obviouly nerdy tendencies seem to be qualities I'm drawn to in a person. They're trans and cute, and we cuddle sometimes, and once, even went a little further. But it was at that point I realized two things: First being I was lonely and touch-starved to hell and back and that I, as a person who craves human contact, may react strongly after not being touched or held like that for months. And second being because of that longing, I was moving too quickly with a person I was unsure about, and...I couldn't get into it. It was at this point I affirmed my deminess to myself. I wanted to keep kissing her. I wanted her to continue playing with me and me the same to them. But I couldn't do it. The longer I tried, the more i just felt turned off and weird. And I knew then I didn't like them. The tl;Dr is that I didn't feel like what I looked for in partners was there, but it's worth talking about later. We don't talk a lot, but I can count on them to be someone who will spend time with me.

The second person i've gotten close here is their exact opposite. We never have and never will date, and we just simply happen to be friends, but they're the most important friend I have here. They're outwardly passionate and bright, artistic and impressive, and from the first time I saw them speak I felt so in awe by their presence. They would most definitely protest if they read this, but their passion for life causes a rise in me that honestly has inspired me to stand up here. And despite their trials in life, and how much they continue to struggle with today, they can still manage to smile. They can still fight. Their story gives me hope. They noticed me first after I spoke at Kiwi Herring's vigil, and because I'm introverted and silly, I didn't remember them? But slowly and graduatedly, we started meeting and talking more over what became a backdrop of protests and political actions, and they sucked me in lol. The more I learned about them, the more I wanted to listen to their stories and feel their music. This was a person I really wanted to connect with. And well, we have.

I can't begin to describe the kind of positive impact on my mental health having a friend like them around has been. They've been willing to listen to me when i've been really upset and talk with me about hard things for both of us. They talk with me via text for hours sometimes, and a lot of these days, she may have been the only on I would have ever talked to. And when their partner is gone and they're feeling really bad, we practice platonic cuddling sometimes and cuddling is just so nice???? Like I could write a book on that but this is long enough already.

This person is really important to me. I love so much about them. And it makes me so happy to see them living life, loving their equally wonderful partner and just making it day by day. It really makes me happy just being near them. I hope this doesn't too weird. I'm just really happy I can count on their friendship.

---

I guess from there, it's just the bad that's left, right. And unfortunately for me, I feel like there's so much to work on. The biggest thing I feel right now is that I just feel so burned out. After TDOR Monday and the major role I played in it, I just feel so over activism. It's not that I don't feel like it isn't worth it or I'm against anything. I just feel so disenfrancised and weak and...honeslty scared. I don't feel like my voice is being heard at protests and when I spoke up about, I couldn't handle the attention. And idk, I look at how hard everyone is fighting and it just, idk. I wish I could explain the feeling or alienation and hopelessness I get. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed and my body is just telling me so idk.

I've gotten used to my line of work now, but I have such numb feelings about my job now. It's so not the line of work I want to inhabit. I feel like a lot of what I do here directly contradicts who I am as a person, and in order to not be a crying, sniveling mess like o was in the beginning, I jhst have to supress myself. I also hate my shift (4 PM-4 AM) as it's absolutely terrible who loves the idea and beauty behind mornings. But this job pays the bills. And every adult just expects me to endure it, like hating your job and your life are just normal facets of adulthood we have to put up with. And after a recent brush with near-starvation, I guess I have to begrudgingly agree: paying the bills is better than not eating.

There's a lot of stressors right now: my family, my transness, my everything, but I guess the main idea of everything is that I just feel like the world is going crazy and I'm having to stand up to this brave new world by myself. I've dealt with a lot of my isolation and loneliness and I'm happy for that. I've come back from two near suicide attempts a month ago to really try and embrace the things about life that make it worth living. But in my everyday, I feel like something is missing and I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm afraid of or how not to be. Is it loneliness? A lack of validation, of someone telling me "everything going to be okay"? Fear of my future? Idk.

I'm going to try and hild on to what's dear in my life. Slowly but surely. I'm going to make it through this and live.

#personal #long post #tw suicude #tw death #it's been too long

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garbageivereleasedintothevoid · 5 years

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10-08-19 (Tuesday)

God things were different back then. I don't miss it. It was awful. But some part of me still feels like I'm chasing it. Like maybe I belonged there. In that time. In that situation. Fucked up as it was... I felt more equipped to deal with it.

I realize that's the trauma. It's the realization that the coping skills I'd developed for over two decades are no longer applicable and grasping in vain at the past because it was what I knew.

Because I understood how to navigate that situation. And I... find myself more and more looking back at my early involvement with TSA as the source of that feeling. There's one moment that sticks out in my mind.

Youth Group still met at the YWCA and it was within a year of my joining. This one group that usually came together. Billy, Fatalany, and Mitchell (now called Maya). They all left to go to their car and some old dude drove by in his car and threatened them and called them faggots and they ran back inside. I was ready to bust heads. I was so new at it and I didn't realize the danger I could be in. And everyone looked at me like I was crazy. It was commonly accepted you just felt grateful to be alive and moved on, remembered their face, and kept going.

In that moment, I felt helpless. I couldn't save them. I had to leave the room and go to the bathroom and rage. I had to let it out.

When I got back out, they'd gotten to their car safe and left. But I remember feeling... So broken. It was like a wave of realization hit me. My life was changing. I was less safe.

And then... At last year's TDOR, I saw Elliot staring at the candles. And he was crying. He was having that same moment. It just didn't manifest as rage so much for him. There was definitely anger in his voice as he described his emotions but... he just looked so dejected. He was realizing the long hard road before him. Like I had. Ever since then, I have tried to send upbeat trans memes to the ever-dying group chat, hoping he'll find something good in that.

I wonder if that's what my face looked like. Defeated.

Elliot is a strong kid and I really hate that he and other queer and trans kids will have to go through these things. I hate it. But right now... It's a thing I cannot change for them.

I also just... Everything was far more underground feeling if that makes sense. Like, it... Wasn't as advertised for a long time. There were no news spotlights about our events. Good or bad. And... A core group of the time would show up. People would come and go but I would just sit there watching, never leaving. Always there. Sometimes people would move away. Sometimes they'd feud with the group. And sometimes... They died. And left their books to TSA. I still have a copy of the celluloid closet I have thusfar refused to read. It's too much. I can't.

There's this rich history of queerness in America. And we all know it. We queers know our history. But like many, ours is a story told orally. Very few written records exist of the early days of consistent uprising. Because you could get thrown in jail and that'd be proof of your homosexuality.

I know a fair bit of Evansville's (and the surrounding area's) history. But mostly a couple years before I joined (joined 2008) onward. I know there was a bar called Equals in Owensboro a few years back. Couldn't tell you when it closed but it was before my parents booted me(2013) but after I'd graduated high school (early 2010). Used to see ads for it in the newsletter. Never went. Was never old enough and it was in Owensboro. Went to Brickhouse once before it shut down. With Jessi. Ran into Jake Svetska. Hadn't seen him in years. Jake wasn't the brightest bulb in the box but deep down, he was a good guy. Josh on the other hand... Manipulative and kind of shithead in general. But dumb as a box if rocks. They dated for like a week before Josh upped the cling to maximum overload and Jake was like "Um, no."

Josh is "engaged" nowadays. And he's actually been engaged for years as opposed to how he used to declare he and a guy engaged and then they'd break up after like a minute of that because he hadn't even proposed and we were all like 15 - 18 year olds. He and Randy (Randi at the time) would go through twelve people a day between the two of them it seemed. Randy would find a new girl and have her calling him all kinds of names before he'd basically dump all his shit to be an ass to her. And then act like this had never happened twenty thousand times before and that she was crazy. He was a control freak and honestly probably abusive. Idk.

And Caitlin. Heard she is doing well. Can't remember if she moved away or not. Eliot (not Elliot) is doing great things. Super proud of him. Does a lot of radical work.

Katie... She's... An ex-gay therapy advocate. And works with Eren. One day she stopped coming and I asked eventually and was told "She has a boyfriend. She's saying she's not gay now. We're leaving it alone." Learned later that her parents forced her into it. College tuition or be a gay. Saddest thing too. She was a nice person. I hope one day she can unlearn all that and be happy.

Emily is still around and is still a waitress. She and Kris broke up a couple years back but are still close friends. Emily is poly anyway so she probs saw no real need to be bitter. I don't think Kris was really cut out for being poly/with someone who's poly. And that's fair and Emily is smart enough to understand that (Honestly believe she's super smart.)

Jim has severe health issues and will probably die within the next five years.

Eddie is still with the same guy he no longer loves.

Mark is still a flaming garbage can who thinks he's better than everyone and has this deep fetish for british culture as if it's superior (which he has explicitly stated btw)

Paul... Still creeps me out. Like he's been a dick to me before. But like... He creeps me out and I am not entirely sure why.

There were more. But... I'm not sure the others were really worth getting into. Those were the ones I knew best.

Zed is still around clearly. Working for the city. But... They... Things were weird back in the day. We kinda hated each other. Like a lot. We were absolutely awful to each other and idk how we ended up friends but it's definitely Grover and the fact that we were both fighting against Wally together.

I don't need to tell you all about what's happened on Wally's front lol.

Michael moved away and Married Ricky. Always hated Michael. He was such a self-important ass with no concept of the idea that throwing perfectly good things out was wasteful and taking things home that would otherwise be in the trash is not greedy. Ricky was chill though.

Gabriel overdosed too much and has seizures now.

There were a few more but I'm blanking on them.

Things are different. I'm... Still expecting things to suddenly go back. Like... One day I'll wake up in my parent's house. In my bed. And it'll be 2011. And I'll have my coping mechanisms set to what they can do to help me. Which... I don't truly want that. My life really sucks sometimes but there are some very good moments, too. And... Idk. If that did happen, I think I'd just get off my parent's insurance, get into ECHO and pay out of pocket (I would still have money in bonds) and wait. For Sara. Or maybe I'd just go find her outside of ECHO. Idk. Something. Drop out of school if I even started yet. Get a place, apply for SSI. But... Idk that's all just what ifs. I don't have those what ifs. I have now. And here. And idk. I think I needed to get all that out.

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unessesarysecretdiary-blog · 7 years

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time to start a new beginning....

Thoughts: April 16, 2016 My inner Gypsy. - I kind of want to take a semester off of school and just do youtube for a while. I think that its not a waste of time. its actually gonna benefit my career. I hope my career goes the way i want it to. Yes, i do want to be famous, but for entertainment. I like to see people laugh and i want that to by my job. I want to travel the world and help people. I want to not focus on stressful school, im not good at it. even if i try. I was never good at school. I guess God want me to go a different rout. I dont want to be stuck at hime. I want to just work and travel the world while Im still young. If you think about it, I dont really have to go to school in order to become an actress. This year, im gonna audition to a lot of tv shows. I want to do more youtube, i want to travel with my friends. I dont want to go to school anymore. Its a waste of time. I want to start producing and acting. Im tired of waiting, i know im still young. But im only gonna live this life once, I could die at any time. I would rather experience the best while i can and worry about nothing. My inner gypsy wants to come out. A lot of celebrities didn’t go to school, or they dropped out. why can’t i ? They were normal people that just wanted their dreams come true.

Thoughts: april 17,2016 Men over Boys - Well, today I’ve decided that Im not gonna let a guy control me. By control meaning putting them first over anyone. Ive decided that my friends will always be there no matter what. They would be with me through thick and thin. I want my friends to be the first to see if the guy i introduce them to is okay for my family to meet. I want that man that always is going to be happy to talk to me. I want that man that won’t get mad if I hang out with my friends. I want that man that doesn’t care if I make stupid videos on the internet. I want a man that can laugh at my jokes. At my stupid comments and I want him to make me feel comfortable doing these videos. That doesn’t take fun of me for making them. I want him to be my number one fan ! I want a man that cares for me. That doesn’t make me feel confused. I dont want to wonder if he’s with another girl, if he’s talking to another girl. I dont want him to make me feel special. I dont want a Brandon aka a boy.

Thoughts: May 19,2016 New Life Style - Well, I’ve decided that i want a new life style. Starting next month June 2016 I will become vegan. I will be working out everyday. I will make my happiness be first. I will be uploading videos every Sunday. I will save money. I will make sure that I’m more positive with myself. I will make sure that my future is bright. I will make whoever is around me happy and make them laugh. I will help others with problems. I won’t let anyone get in my way! I will follow my dreams and I will pursuit them! I will let my viewers know what is going on in my life. I will NOT let boys get through my head. I will keep my head high and make the guys fall for me, but I wont fall for them. I will make sure that I have fun with my young life. I will be CONFIDENT ! POSITIVE ! and be FREE ! Believe in yourself !

Thoughts: May 27,2016 What My Summer To Be Like 1. Work out everyday 2. Eat healthy 3. Drink nothing but tea or water 4. Go on adventures/ Explore all of San Diego 5. Make youtube videos 6. Make MONEY !

Thoughts: May 29, 2016 9:45pm keep it to yourself - If you don’t have anything nice to say… shut up. no one asked for your fucking opinion. No one cares if you think something thats dark and scary isn’t your thing. Its my thing. Like shut up dude. Everyone has their own creativity and older people tend to judge more than people that are my age. So what if i have colored hair, tattoos, and piercings. So what if i want to cover my body with tattoos. So what if i want to color my hair different colors? Whats it to you ? Its my body, its my hair I can do whatever I want to it. If you want to do something… just do it. Don’t let others tell you that you look dumb or ugly because you are beautiful. NO MATTER WHAT ! be yourself, Be who you want to be ! Have fun and do whatever you want ! Thoughts: June 7, 2016 I guess?????? - I guess that I still like him. I guess that I’m not over him as I thought I was. I always think of him. I always want to know what he’s doing. I always want to know where he’s at. I always want to know if he’s thinking of me. I want to move on, but I can’t? Idk I wish I would just not think of him. I wish that when I saw him my heart wouldn’t drop to my stomach and I start shaking. I wish I never got nervous around him. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. I love him? I think? I don’t know how you feel that. I guess I’m slowly killing myself without actually doing it. I love someone that doesn’t love me back and it hurts. My heart is broken and I’m a broken soul. I wish I didn’t meet him, but I don’t regret anything I didi with him. All the memories we had… I keep replaying them in my head over and over. I hate myself for it because I can’t stop comparing everyone I meet to you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I have you, I love you. I want you, but I will never go down that path. You broke my heart and Its killing me. I want to know how you feel, what you are thinking and what you want. I wish I knew you were going to be the one who broke me. I never cried over anyone, until you walked my path and tripped me. You made me fall and I didn’t want to. I tried to catch myself and knowing that you were bad for me, Yet, I still let you play with me physically and mentally. I was happy with you, but were you happy with me? What made you think that I wasn’t worth your time. You wanted to be friends, yet you would kiss me? What kind of friendship is that? I guess you were a mistake, a lesson, a fuck boy…my first love. I got too attached and I guess you didn’t feel that way, but its okay because someone will feel the same with me. Someone will be worth my time and my love. You didn’t deserve it. You just destroyed it and I’m stupid for letting you. Knowing that you just wanted to be “friends”. You confused me, you were something else. Like I said… you’re just a boy, not a man.

Thoughts : June 9, 2016 What Does This Mean ? - So, last night I had a weird dream with brandon in it. We hung out and you know we were laughing as usual. I was outside with him and then I saw alejandro come over with his dog toby. I was like omg my baby is here and brandon got jealous and said you have boyfriend now? I was like yeah, i do. he’s great and he treats me like a princess. Brandon was like oh. well i guess i should leave ? i was like thanks for the brownie ill talk to you later yeah ? he was like sure. Then i guess idk how this happened, but i ended up being in brandon car high and we started making out and then you know what happens after every kiss. I don’t know what this means ? Was it just a memory that i had with him and me wanting to move on ? Cause I do, but idk if I can feel this way about anyone like I did with him? THIS IS DIFFICULT ! Like I see potential in Alejandro and he’s nice and whatever, but idk if I’m ready for anything rn. or maybe i just want dick. probably both. I would date alejandro, but uhhhhh idk… I also remember hugging him. It was a hug that we knew it was the end and we both cried.

thoughts: June 17, 2016 Life… - So many deaths happened this past week. I literally have no words. I don’t know what to think, Im so shocked about what this world has come to. I think that I like girls too. Ive always felt like this,but I don’t think I will ever be with a girl. Or who knows. Maybe in the future. Life goes throughout many rollercoasters and we don’t know when it will go down. Or when it will go up. I just want this world to be equal and everyone loves each other no matter what. Some people need love and some people need to feel like someone is there for them too, but they don’t get that. EVERYONE IS THE SAME ! no matter what. though thick and thin, people need to come together as ONE. Life is worth living and who cares if someone is judging you. They’re just scared to come out to the world. Some people need to stop and think whats more important my happiness or someone else happiness? it should always be your happiness over anyone else. BE SELFISH. BE STRONG. BE YOU.

Confession : August 15, 2016 Brandon? It’s currently 1:08AM. I can’t stop thinking of Brandon. I just hung out with him last night… we went to watch suicide squad. We just cuddled and honestly, Im in love with this kid. I hate that I love him so much. I just can’t resist myself when I’m with him. He makes me happy and I’ve never felt like this over someone. I just don’t think we’er right for each other. He’s moving to point Loma and that’s kinda far. When he told me I kinda wanted to cry cause I could just picture him with different girls and it broke my heart. I just don’t want to let him go. I love him too much to let him go. I can’t help that I’m in love with this boy. I love his sent, I love the way he laughs, I love the way he smiles, the way he looks at me, the way that he tries to be cute with me, the way he lays his head on me when he’s tired, the way that he’s not afraid to be himself around me, I love how he can talk to me about anything, the way that he plays music, how open he is with me, his sense of humor, the way his heart beats faster when i lay on him, I just love him. I know that we will be life long friends and we will always have that connection somehow. I want to be with him. I think that he feels the same way, but won’t admit to it or I could be wrong. I just want to be with him 24/7. I want to laugh with him. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to hold me. I want to feel his kisses. I want to feel everything that we had when we would go out. I want to go to family parties with him. I want him to be involved in my life and I want to be involved in his too. I want to have something that would last forever with brandon. I love him and I don’t care what others think of him. I will always love him and he will always have a special place in my heart no matter how much I say that I hate him. I love you brandon and I can’t help myself for falling in your trap over and over again. You’ll never read this, but someone had to know. I just want us to have happy moments and I know that we will always have happy moments together. I just want to remember us laughing at the stupidest things. You laughing at me because I’m stupid. Me laughing at you because you do something weird. I want to look at the stars and you being there next to me, just like we used to. I miss us. I miss people telling us that we look happy because whenever I’m with you I’m happy.You make me happy… When I think of you I cry, knowing that we won’t ever be again. I still get nervous when I see you. When you text me I respond as fast as I can. When you snapchat me it makes my day. Knowing that you called me makes me happy because you’re thinking of me. You basically know everything about me. I know everything about you. You’re my best friend. Theres not a day that I don’t think of you. I just think of the times we would kiss at every traffic light. When you would hold my hand driving. When your eyes sparkle from the moon light. I love you Brandon Thomas Desloover. You will forever be in my heart. I’m just crazy over you. If I could talk about you to anyone I would. I will do anything for him. I’m crazy for him, but I know that he will break my heart. It sucks because I know that he will. I know that I can’t fall into that trap anymore. I know that he’s no good for me. I know that he doesn’t feel the same. I know that he’s my first love and I know he broke it. I can’t help, but cry. I’m a fool and I’m stupid because I fell in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I hate myself.

Thoughts: August 29,2016 5 years Its been 5 years since my dad passed. I haven’t cried or felt any emotion for it. I know I should cry, but I just can’t. Like how do i feel about this situation? I really don’t know. I feel numb towards it. I look at his picture everyday, but i just smile at him. I miss my dad. I miss his laugh. I miss him… now I’m crying. All my emotions are coming out finally. I know i shouldn’t keep it in, but I don’t want people knowing I’m weak. I love my dad and he knows that I do. I wish he was here, but its okay cause i know he is… just not physically. No one talks about it in my family. Everyone just stays quiet or is in their room. I remember those hard months that i would try to keep it in, but i just couldn’t so i just cried. I had a tough life. I think everyone does, but thats what they call life. I just wish my dad was here. I miss him. I want to hold him again. I miss you dad. I love you. Thank you for all you have done. I appreciate everything you did for us. I know that i didn’t show it at all, but i really did.

Thoughts: August 30, 2016 Him Again It will always be you. No matter what, I will always want to be with you. You will always be in my heart, mind and I don’t mind it. I just want you to know that ill be there for you no matter what. I will always be him. When I get in the car with you. i just think of the memories we have together. The laughs, the arguments when you were confused. The feels are and will always be there, at least it will of me. I just get so happy when i talk to you. My mood goes up and I can’t stop smiling. I just want you to know that i do love you. I just want to lay next to you. I just want to be with you. I miss you, I want you to see how much you hurt me. You’re no good for me and Im no good for you. We’er no good for each other. We can’t, but we both want to. You make my life so much easier. You make me want to succeed.

Thoughts Sep. 1, 2016 21 reasons 1. I can’t be in a relationship 2. I get bored of the same person fast 3. I can’t be cute 4. I can’t be normal 5. I don’t know how to be in a relationship 6. I don’t think I’m dateable 7. I don’t think I can be with someone for too long 8. If my friendships can’t last, I don’t know if a boyfriend would 9. I want to be in a relationship 10. I always get the wrong boys 11. I get attached too quick 12. I move too fast 13. I want to skip the getting to know each other 14. I want that love movie type of love 15. It only happens in movies 16. No one likes me 17. I don’t think I’m worthy of a relationship 18. I seek love, but don’t know how to get it 19. You’re the only reason, but you don’t want too 20. I love you, but you don’t love me… 21. I’m hurt, but can’t let go.

cont… same day, same time I don’t know if I should tell him. I want to say “ I love you, but you don’t love me and its okay…” Just saying this out loud made me have butterflies and made my heart skip a beat.

Thoughts: September 3, 2016 question mark? Unmmmm the other day I was on the phone with brandon & he was acting weird... No, being a jerk. I didn't appreciate that. I hate him dude. I can't wait until he moves ! I'll be like BYE BITCH! I do love him, but I don't like the way he acts sometimes. He needs to stop with the attitude. He's so annoying. I hate him. I don't want to be with someone like him. I just wish he was different, but I can't change people. Sadly. Guess I really do have to move on. I don't need this in my life and he's too much to even try this thing we have going on. I don't think we're right for eachother. Its okay that you don’t feel the same because I don’t want you to be forced to say it back…. I just love you.

Thoughts: September 5, 2016 Meh. I saw him today. I just felt nervous, but it all went away after a while. I just get nervous for no reason. I do love him. I do shake of how nervous I get. I don’t know it just kinda bothers me that I get nervous. He’s funny, but I don’t know. He’s always in my mind and heart. I can’t stop him form not being there. I can’t stop him for being in my life. He chooses to be in it i guess… I don’t know. I saw him looking at me though the corner of my eye, but I just kinda ignored him. *SELF FIVE* I’m just gonna go on with my life. Whatever happens… happens right?

Thoughts: September 6, 2016 Scared, but its okay. I think I’m depressed. I think Im deeply sad inside. I’ve been getting sad too much and it sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore. Like I get excited for whats coming in my future, but I’m scared its not gonna happen. Im scared that I won’t go though it. Im scared that I will fail. Im terrified of failure. I’ve always failed in my life and I don’t know how to stop it. I think everyone is scared of failure though. Everyone doesn’t know what they want. Everyone doesn’t think they’re gonna make it, but its okay because we live and we learn. Life is about failure. Life is about Succeeding. Life is about Learning. You can do this. You can fail if you want. Its okay.

Thoughts: September 11, 2016 Sounds Live Feels Live I saw them on friday Sep. 9th and it was the best night of my existence !! I didn’t want that night to end !! I miss them so much ! Im definitely gonna have PCD until The heirs sept. 24 ! I love life so much right now ! Im having fun and living !! Im so happy that I went to see 5 seconds of summer ! It was so much fun ! I had the time of my life and i cant stop thinking about them ! I LOVE 5SOS !!! FOREVER AND EVER <3

Thoughts: October 15, 2016 Someone Different ? Someone different is coming in my life. Someone different is changing me. Someone different is making me happy. Someone different treats me like a princess. Someone different is funnier. Someone different supports me. Someone different make my heart skip a beat. Someone different makes me forget you. Someone different is making me forget you. Someone different, I can’t stop thinking about them. Someone different is better than you. Someone BETTER is in my life. Someone better is changing me. Someone better is making me happy. Someone better treats me like a princess. Someone better is funnier. Someone better supports me. Someone better makes my heart skip a beat. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better, I can’t stop thinking about them. Someone better is different than you. I’m glad that someone is in my life now, something you couldn’t do. But you will always have a piece of my heart. I still love you, I still care, I still want you.

Thoughts: November 6, 2016 Here We Go Again. Christian, you will NEVER EVER read this, but this is for me and only me. You make my heart skip a beat when I see you. You give me butterflies when we kiss. You make me smile when I look at you. You always make me laugh. You make me feel happy. I haven’t felt happy in a while. I want this feeling to be long term. I want to be with you. I want you and only you. I don’t care about the past, I don’t care about anything that you and I had with anyone. I just want our future together. The beginning has just begun for both of us.

Thoughts: November 15, 2016 NEW PLAN AND IT’S FOR REAL here we go new plan and its for real dude no slacking !! you got this !! 1. go to school for only acting and film classes 2. YOUTUBE ! 3. get a camera 4. acting agent 5. move to L.A. 6. CALARTS 7. DISNEY PRODUCTIONS 8. Travel the world !!!

Thoughts: November 18,2015 I think I think I love you, but I don’t know what love is. I dont know if you’re here for a lesson or true love. I dont know if I would ever live without you. I dont know if i could survive without you. I dont know if I want to be with you forever. I dont know if you’re the one, but I think you are ere for a reason. A reason why I should believe in myself, believe in you, believe in us. You’re not like the others that I have been with. You’re better than them. You’re the best i could ever have. maybe one day ill see you with someone else and i know i won’t be okay with it, but ill deal with i. you’re my best friend and i hope you will for a long time. I just want you to be happy and you make me happy. I love you as a best friend. maybe even more. someday ill be yours and i hope to be yours for a while. Ill do anything for you and that what i tend to do. Ill take care of you and ill be with you until you dont need me anymore. It could be with a little bit or time or a long time. I dont mind. I want you and only you. I miss you when you’re not around. i want you near me at all times. i could maybe… i think.. idk i love you.

Thoughts : November 23, 2016 C... You see you make me happy. You make me smile. You make me think that we could be together for a long time. You make me realize that theres other people that can change my mind. You made me realize that the past is the past and you made me realize that i didn’t love him. I was just hung up on someone that I really liked. But I realized that I like you. You want to be with me. You’re not scared to show me off. You’re not afraid to say that I’m you girl. What I mostly like about you is that you have ambition, dreams and your personality is my favorite. Your eyes, your laugh, your voice, your lips… just you christian.You make me the girl I am right now. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I don’t see myself with anyone else. I like you christian. Maybe even more than like. I dont know. I may have felt this way towards someone, but i always have second thoughts. With you, I don’t have second thoughts. Maybe its too soon for me to think this because we dont know the future, but you are different. You’re heart and soul are just like mine.

Thoughts: November 25, 2016 The Rain Song Looking back at the old things that I said about Brandon is pretty interesting. It’s interesting because I no longer feel that way. Its so funny how I was so hung up on you and now I’m sitting here typing on my laptop thinking… “why? he was a jerk…yeah every now and then he did some nice things, but not like christian”. Christian… now he’s different. Christian gives me butterflies when I think about him. He makes me smile even though he’s not around. He makes me happy and I get excited when I see him. I never what to loose this feeling. I’m smiling just thinking about him. I know he won’t hurt me and I will never hurt him. I know he’s here for a while and Im glad that he is. Yeah, arguing and fighting is bound to happen, but nothing too extreme… I hope. No one has treated me like he has. He’s the best Ive ever had. Its hard to explain my feelings towards him because Im not used to saying my feelings I tend to hide them, which isn’t good. He cares for me and I care for him. All those things he said to me yesterday, made me realize that I do care for him a lot and I like him a lot… I don’t know about love cause Ive never had it, but if its how I feel right now then maybe i do.

Thoughts: November 29,2016 Dear Christian, I'm writing this because I can't stop thinking about you. I keep getting butterflies and my heart is skipping beats. I haven't felt this way for anyone in a long time! I still get nervous when We go out...you may not notice, but I really do. I try to hide it from you. You also make me feel something I've never felt before and I really don't know what it is. I want to show you how much i care about you. I usually can’t say how i feel about someone because Im weird about feelings like that, but you truly are the best. I just want to tell you that I have strong feelings for you and I do believe were together for a reason. I think that reason is for us to be happy. I love how we understand each other and were there for each other. You truly are someone that I am going to keep in my life for a while. Im glad that you’re in my life. You’re amazing. You’re caring. I know forever isn’t something thats real, but I wouldn’t mind being with you forever. You’ll always be in my heart no matter what. Im always thinking about you and i just smile at nothing. People may think Im crazy and they could be right… I am crazy, but in a good way because Im crazy about you. I know its cheesy, but i don’t know how to express my feelings towards you. You make me happy and i care a lot for you. I will do anything for you and like i said I will be there to care and possibly maybe even love you. The reason I said that Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me that one night was because Ive never been in love. Love is a terrifying thing for me, but I wouldn’t mind getting hurt by you. Love is a rollercoaster and so far this is a fun roller coaster that I don’t want to get off from. I love you… I think. I dont know what love is, but i think its what I feel for you. There I said it I love you Christian. I love you so much that Im getting nervous just writing this. I dont know how you’re gonna react, but Im just gonna wait to say it until you say it first. I just want to let you know that I will never hurt you. If I do, I’m sorry. I dont mean anything that I say that makes you mad. I want you to be happy and always have a smile on your face. Im scared that Im gonna hurt you even if i said i won’t. Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me even if you said you won’t, but I’m just scared of this feeling that i have for you. Im scared, but if you do end up breaking my heart… i dont think i would remember the bad moments. I think i will remember the happy moments that we’ve had. Youre such a dork i love it. You’re a beautiful soul christian. You’re the best I’ve ever had. Im glad that its you. I care for you a lot… so much that it hurts me when you’re hurt. Thats why I like to ask you what you’re thinking about because I want to know everything that you think of… the good and the bad. I want to know how you feel and think. you make me happy and i know that sometimes i dont say much of how i feel and thats because i dont know what to say or show it. Well, one day you’ll ready this, but it won’t be anytime soon. You are my first love and Im glad its you. I love you christian.

Thoughts : December 1, 2016 Without you I dont ever want to be without you. I want you to be with me at all times. I want you to be safe. I care for you. It hurts me when you’re sad, angry and hurt. I love you... you'll always be in my hear no matter what. You'll always be remembered by me. We may not know the future, but if we ever end up on bad terms... just remember the good days. I want to say sorry in advance just in case I hurt you. I don't ever what to, but we're not perfect. We're human. We make mistakes sometimes we have to learn how to forgive and forget.

December 13, 2016 I told you I told you that I loved you… Im scared because I don’t want to get hurt. I love you so much it hurts.. I miss you when you’re gone. I don’t know why Im crying so much. I just get emotional when I think of you. I get all my feelings balled up and I just cry.

December 19, 2016 It is what it is.. I told you that I loved you, but now that I think about it… Im not in love with you. I do care for you and I do love you, but I know I can do better. You were right… you do need time to think about yourself and what you need to do in life. I thought that I could help you, but I can’t baby you all the time. Im getting tired of acting like I’m your mother. i feel like you don’t appreciate anything I do for you. I want to feel like a girlfriend or someone that you truly care about. I just feel like I’m just a friend and I know thats what you tell people, but what kind of friends are we ? i know your family, I keep in contact with them… like ????? I guess I’m just over thinking like i always do. You need to hang out with your friends and not ditch them to hang out with me. I dont want that to happen cause one day We might not be a thing and you’re not gonna have anyone. I love you and I do care for you, but dont push people aside for me.

January 15, 2017 Im done. IM STARTING FRESH. Im done. Im over dating people for now. Its time to focus on myself and not worry about anyone else ! I think this is the year when i actually work out and start to do things for myself. AUDITIONS, YOUTUBE, TRAVELING HERE I COME ! I know that you’re ready for your dreams to come true ! DO IT KARINA ! YOU GOT THIS GIRL ! You can do it ! I know you can ! WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE !!! BE HAPPY AND BE PROUD ! DONT LET ANYONE BRING YOU DOWN OR STRESS YOU OUT ! NO MORE ! NO MORE MR.NICE GUY ! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND NEVER STOP DREAMING ! last year was the year of heart break, but not this year. forget the past focus on your future and your dreams. MAKE THEM COME TRUE! if others can do it so can you. dont let fear bring you down

Thoughts: January 29,2017 Do you I really just want to do my own thing this year. I mean yeah I have friends but I just wanna to do YouTube ! I don't wanna go to college anymore. I wanna focus on YouTube and just YouTube ! I wanna explore things and figure things out on my own. My mom makes me feel like I can't do anything and that I'm not gonna make my dreams come true. I want to accomplish what I told myself 2 years ago ! I don't wanna be scared anymore. I actually want to audition for things and actually start acting in things. I want to do it and I'm gonna do it ! Fuck school I'm not going. Why stress over somethng I dont wanna do ? Im tired of being forced to follow societies rules. I dont wanna go to school. Im not gonna go. I want to move to LA and live the life there. Im tired of just dreaming. I want them to come true. - [ ] Thoughts: February 5, 2015 MY MISTAKE I fell in love with the wrong person. I fell in love with Brandon. He will always be in my heart no matter what. Its been a year and it sucks ! I tried to move on, but I couldn’t cause I would constently would think of brandon. Its no ones fault that I feel like this. I love him… I miss him and it sucks cause I want him back.

Thoughts: March 7, 2017 Dear mom, Mom I wish we had a better relationship. I know we don't communicate at all. I know you do things that are best for us, but you never listen to what I want to do, you just assume things and honestly i wish you would just open up your mind and listen to me. Let me live my dreams and support me and how I want to achieve it. I just wish you would understand. The reason I took this semester off was because I wanted to focus on YouTube and do that while I work and figure out what I really want to do with my life. I can't do that when you're on my ear telling me to pay $400 of rent that's too much ! If I'm gonna pay that much then I would rather move out where I can do wherever I want. I don't wanna move to banning, but at this point I feel like I'm forced to move there because it's too much. I'm gonna go back to school, I just wanted this semester off. What I really want is to work on our relationship, for you to understand and listen to what I want.

Thoughts : March 19, 2017 Looking Back. Now that I haven’t spoken to you in a while I think back and honestly, I feel nothing anymore. Yeah, i think about you, but its just a thought. I don’t feel anything. For a couple seconds I do miss you and I feel sad, but then I think back on everything I did for you. You did nothing for me. I didn’t want much, I just felt like I did everything in the relationship. Like I was the guy not the girl. I took care of you like you were my husband, but you weren’t even my boyfriend. You were my “Friend” as you call it. Once that “friendship” was over and I even asked you what we were you wanted me back, but you didn’t realize that you were too late. I dropped all my feeling for you and I feel nothing now. I feel gross just thinking about you. Just writing and listening to this stupid song you told me to listen to makes me angry. You made me feel guilty because I didn’t want you back. Because I didn’t want to be with you when you wanted me. I hate you Christian Rivas. Honestly, you’re a piece of shit. You’re fake and you follow other peoples dreams and claim them your own. You nothing, but a loser. Your mom was right about you, I could do better.

thoughts: March 25, 2016 Take it easy Sometimes I don't know how much I can handle. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle everything in my life right now. I just wish there was someone that could help me. I wish that I could do everything that I think I can do. I wish I had someone that could help me. I wish that I was just like everyone else. They have both their parents. They have help. I don't have anyone. I have myself. That's all I have and it's hard. It's hard when all your friends have help from their parents. They can do whatever they want. They can go out and they don't have a worry in the world. I just wish I was in the same situation. It sucks when you don't have help from anyone. It's party of growing up I guess. I don't know I guess every life is different. Some are lucky and some just aren't. I guess I'm just one of the unlucky ones. The ones that have to struggle for a bit of success. It would work out in the end I guess. I'll have my dream and everyone that didn't believe in me...well i guess they can suck it. I'll be traveling and having fun while they live in a office job for the rest of their life. I'll prove them wrong. I'll prove them that I can do it. I'll prove it and I'll rub it in their faces. Just wait and see. People think I have potential and those people I'm gonna help out. I wanna throw up from all the stress in my life right now. I just feel depressed and worn out. I just want to kill myself sometimes. I just lay in my room and just cry. I just want to be alone. I just want to die at times. Idk I just feel like I can't Handel life. I can't do it. It's difficult and I don't want to do it. I just wanna be gone and be done. I don't have any plans other than entertainment. Is that my purpose ? To entertain people? To make others happy? When deeply I'm sad?

thoughts: May 8, 2017 Why? Its so funny cause when I try to move on, you’re still there. If you would tell me to hang out ill say yes in a heart beat. Idk what this feeling is, but I want you at the same time I dont.

Thoughts : June 3, 2017 Not like the movies My love for you isn’t like the movies. Its different, its a love hate thing. Its like i want to be with you, but I dont want anyone to be with you. I want you to be mine and mine only, but i dont want you. Its complicated. this love is not like the movies. I dont know why I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t, I wish i could ,but you’re all i think of. I just wish it was the same with you. I want to be with you and only you. Why do I feel this way ?

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