#im just so so tired. i dont want to get out of bed. i cant paint. i cant draw. i cant write or journal more than once every three or four

[softshuji]

eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

#i just find it like so unfair yknow #im the only one who works in myhouse and full time #but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put #my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but #i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger #its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad #and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility #and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough #and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother #said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9 #and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time #constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers #and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either #its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they #cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything. #like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl #thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on #im just tired and upset #its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else. #and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing #im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf #oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this #and yk what #thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is #i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return #or if not #theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them #i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me #its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

#rant #i guess #it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever #like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning #i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry #its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too #it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but #a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container #or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside. #it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time. #i hate this survivalistic shit #its not long before i move out thank god but still #he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything #like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice. #i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it. #and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive #at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont #let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know #writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy

[milf-harrington]

where im at mentally these days: my mum hugged me and said im doing a good job and i burst into tears <3

#i mean it was a little more fleshed out than that #i asked for a hug and she asked if i was okay and i didnt say anything so she said something about me feeling like #untethered. just kind of floating through life. and i said yeah. and she told me im doing a good job like. getting through the day basically #and i cried about it because i dont even know why its so hard #and i feel so shitty all the time because i just feel like a shit person like i dont try hard enough with my nephew #and hes so little and so smart and im so awful and every day im worried hes going to stop liking me bc im still learning how to be. gentle. #because i grew up with yelling and a locked pantry and an older sister who had to raise me #so i dont know how to not yell and not escape into my own world when i cant be bothered #and i have really good days and really terrible days and hes not a Job hes my nephew and i want to treat him like my nephew #and it feels so selfish to say im tired and that its hard and stressful and i dont know what im doing #bc my sister has to do it too and she doesnt get breaks like i do #she doesnt get to just decide to leave for the night - and i mean i dont do that but i have the option #and everyone keeps. like. telling me im doing good and im helpful and my sister especially tells me often shes grateful for me #and it makes me feel Awful bc i feel like i dont do enough and that the stuff i DO isnt good enough and just argh #anyway #vent over i need to go to bed its 1am and i have to get up in 5 hours #captain speaks

[the-kipsabian]

#the world needs to stop #i cant keep waking up to news about losing people #its been a week and a half can this year just fucking not #im so tired i dont want to get out of bed whats the point #night is an absolute mess on main

[sorrowsaint]

im going to bed

heres a song i like goodnight

#...................... #............................................. #.............................................................................. #thats probably enough of a buffer. #last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up #my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest #like the arrows. like the knives. #its scary. its so scary. #im just a kid #will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me? #people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them #i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it. #all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness #my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember. #i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy #and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with #my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts. #my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams #can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you. #can you feel that way about death #maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone. #i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him #im not like him. #im like gertie and my parents. #im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.

[ff2-soda-pop]

I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao

#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet #somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how #little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper #ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin #her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s #so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up #until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope! #and then i got too tired to even care anymore #i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much #easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason #and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time #because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like #'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge #the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this #also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont #let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area #and it's not great </3 #idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :) #vent

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in #like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying #i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty #it #like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night #am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired #or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once??? #idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop #id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem #because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines #so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping #but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real #and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE #i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters #actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists #and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the #7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant #fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get #knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am #and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be #doing them at all #like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding #schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters #delete later

[toastsnaffler]

I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮‍💨

#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true.. #some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable #they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good #like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one #the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell #lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash #and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun #especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game.. #and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off #i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring #after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now #and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here.. #i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it #and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am #ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend #ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭 #ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that #it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh #anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate #didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol #gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge #typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone #.diaries

[moodbroads]

i may or may not be questioning a whole new ahh religion like how are poeple this dumb but like not dumb because human survival instincts i just dont feel human as a whole but like not in a nonhuman way i just cant explain the major crowd herding happening right now and nobody noticing exept me

idk man its hard for me to put it into words

anyways have a lil speculative dude meant for changing gravity lolol

#goofy goof #doodle #i know this is just my insane declining mental health but #it just feels so real to me #and makes so much sense #i dont want to say too much #i cant even say too much because of the lack of english human words #im just 14 man why do i know this #im supposed to like lisa frank and gossip in highschool and shit #not lay in bed for hours at a time left alone with the horrors my mind comes up with #i like speculative evolution guy #hes cool #idek how i made him #i just thought #like #different things #i wanna go back in time #earth is so small #life is so small to me #i want bigger #but i know i will never get that #no human will ever get the exitement of discovering a new animal #because we have discovered it all already #our space rock is too small for me #i want to go out and see things the human mind and eyes cant even comprehend #im so tired of animal parts #i need more #so much more #never ending more

[tortademaracuya]

.

#a friend asked me how my depression was treating me lately and i want to cry remembering it now #im surrounded by a lot of caring and understanding people. people that know what i feel even #and yet i only continue to get worse #'cant complain' and its true i did feel more neutral that day. so why did it suddenly got worse again?! #i have been getting better sleep but. now im starting to get tired mentally #everything is too much. i feel so bad for not asking for help but what are others supposed to do? #its so out of nowhere and unstable i could be okay tomorrow. i dont want to ask for help too much #i just want to die #i will try to keep focusing hard on work and practice. but everyday that desperation to not lose to wanting to rot in bed is getting weaker #haunted.txt

[super-psycho-lov3]

it doesnt even matter it doesnt even matter it doesnt ever matter it doesnt even

#im just really tired i guess #i have too many bruises and i cant keep eating a meal a day #its just really tiring getting lied to #people think they care but they really.. just dont? #say you care but im making dinner because you have work and oliver needs it more. as if i havent been making dinner all week. #as if i didnt spend the past two days walking 2-5 miles every day. #'youve been so snappy' as if i didnt clean the whole living room. as if it isnt my fucking bed time. as if you care about my problems. #'olivers here if you need anything' yeah. sure. as if he wont groan and huff at best. #'im sorry i have to go to work' as if youd do anything different #'im not as bad as people make me out to be' 'youre being brainwashed' as if i didnt have to spend all day at my friends house #the day i was persrcibed testosterone because i knew what youd do if i stayed at home #as if you didnt threaten to take it away when i didnt listen to you #just... im jusy so tired. once my mom asked me 'whose birthday did i forget this year?' referring to my siblings. #she was buying gifts. we never celebrated my birthday. didnt have the heart to tell her it was ME. im justs o tired. im so tired #it really sucks to know that — that our sect of the sys is back out because #because we feel. so. Lost. worthless and lost a and alone #doesn't feel like our family is anything at all. and im here because #because of that. i hate that. i hate knowing why i hate it #i hate knowing who and what caused this im so tired i want my brothers i want my sister i want to get out of here for a while i just need to #get out #its so stupid im the oldest sibling but i want my siblings so bad they would never let me down #fucking NEVER! never. not in a way that could ever really matter. just. god #vent post #free to respond #??? #i dont fuckin care if you reblog or reply or whatever. im just so tired i just need to yell you guys can say whatever #i got yelled at for reminding them to schedule my fucking root canal anf i just cant take it . so #im. im so hungry okay? im just so hungry #im hungry and tired and sore and so fucking alone and i cant fucking take it #cant eat right now n even if i could i wouldnt have the food so

[skunkg1rll]

well... i woke up in time for school. which is the hardest part since it starts at 9am nd i always go to sleep at 4am and wake up around 12-13pm lol. but i got up nd checked when the busses are running.. i checked the weather nd it says it's gnna rain. then i thought "do i rlly need to go today..... cant i go next week?". the thing with me is that if i allow myself to have that thought then it's ruined. if i have the thought of not going, then i wont. thats why i make myself just get up nd go thru the motions nd leave, nd never allowing myself to think that. buuuuut i messed up today... i just wanna stay in bed nd go back to sleep T-T im sitting here "thinking abt it" but the time is already running out nd i dont rlly have time to get up nd get ready now. i dont think i'll get in trouble that i missed this week if i just make sure to go every day next week. ugh

#i should rlly just get out of bed and go #but its so cold and im so tired #my neighbor is stomping around upstairs nd just that makes me wanna die lmao #i just dont feel like going even if i do hate staying at home too #bc i do feel like a loser and a worthless failure #it's just that.. idk i dont want to do anything :/ ig i also kinda feel like self sabotaging #and im so tired of trying #im trying to do this but i get no help from the health care system #i rlly need therapy bc i wanna kms lol but everyone r just like nah sorry cant help u #why should i have to try soooooo hard when nobody cares #i just wanna rot #even if rotting also makes me feel bad #idk i just wish i was normal and healthy #can i even go back to sleep now that i feel so bad abt mysel skskksks #ughhh #no ok i decide i will stay home today #then i'll go every class next week #but i'll give myself one last day to stay home nd feel bad abt myself #im not allowed to do this again next week i've decided

[scaredofmyocs]

I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long

#talk post #i love this blog i want to live here #I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg #but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before #WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY #(yelling at a mirror) #seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately #and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week #making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts #and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again #this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row #but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school #and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing #and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year #and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it #like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me #PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE #i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean #i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy” #but things only work for so long #i hate the passage of time #anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff) #walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor #ramble #hit post

[gothhyrax]

.

#had our new hire no call no show so now instead of working a couple of days and then getting a day off i now work 5 days in a row #which sucks because my job is not the kinda job where you can work 5 days and feel sane but also i really need as much money as i can get #and i feel really emotionally deregulated and unstable plus my meds ran out and i havent had the time or energy to schedule my appointment #to get more....so that makes that even worse #i just feel ......not okay. its only day 1/5 and my body already aches and i just dont feel good. i wish i enjoyed life. i try to find #the joy and love in my mundane life but im always so tired and im always so drained and i deal with so many stupid people and its so hard to #want to be alive. its almost midnight and i wanted to go to bed 2 hours ago and im even in bed ready to sleep and just cant......because #i know i have to wake up and do it again tomorrow. fuck. its all so exhausting.

[chasingcoyotes]

I'm so tired of being depressed. it's never really been managed and every year it gets worse and worse. this is probably some of the most depressed I've been in my entire life. it feel so stupid saying I'm depressed, I feel pathetic. I feel like it's just attention seeking or that I'm not actually but I can't pretend I'm not anymore. it doesn't feel valid because I have a mostly good family

#im just so so tired. i dont want to get out of bed. i cant paint. i cant draw. i cant write or journal more than once every three or four #weeks. i dont want to go out. i dont want to be home. i dont want to open my eyes #i havent practiced or done any of my craft in nearly seven months #if not more. i feel worthless. i feel like a failure. all i do is worry about money. #im tired of having to cut corners and watch my family struggle year by year getting poorer and poorer #im tired of this disgusting rundown shithole rental. i want a home. #i want to go to college but i know i will never be able to. i cant afford it and my family needs me home #ill never work a job i love. ill never have a home. ill never truly be happy. ill always be scared. ill always feel lonely #even when im surrounded by people. #im so tired #i want to go home but i dont even know where that is anymore

[girlwithfish]

literally wot is wrong w me

#cant find any motivation to get out of bed or energy etc.. hungry asf but too tired to make dinner even if its smth as simple as boxed pasta #i am too tired rn. ig when i go home to my bf i have more motive to like function nd get up tjo i still fall asleep after work usually but #after i like wanna get up n eat so i can spend time w him nd do stuff byt #since im alone today i feel like i have no rzn to get up. i am so depressing #just in like an executive dysfunction way too like i wanna get up nd relax nd do stuff but i also have to eat nd possibly shower(i rly shld) #But i also Dont want to and i am way too tired rn so wot do i doooo #i shld just suck it up nd make dinner i need the energy #Im tryna go to sleep by like 10pm today lmaooo