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qumiiiquinnquin · 6 months

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im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

#vent #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent #tw sui attempt #long post #well this escalated fast #i am useless and pathetic. i am going to remain this way forever. the only way out is to just disappear i think. im tired of being alive

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earthtoluisa · 4 months

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I really badly have to vent scince im feeling so overwhelmed with my Feelings that my body is hurting

So im feeling pretty depressed lately again everydad i have a new fight with my mom and its usally abt the same stuff it just takes a lot out of me

I try to love her i just cant i hate her And ik that sounds so strong but she keeps telling me that i am a bad and selfish person scince i dont want to be friends with my ex bullie i dont care if she changed (she didnt btw) i dont want anything to do with her And my mom keeps saying that she had it worse than me

Oh really?! Did she!? She wasnt the one being bullied for her weight and looks for more than 10 years no that was me being menatlly abused by my mom and even more but ofc i am the Bad person in every situation in her eyes i do everything to make her happy bit she just dosnt care

I wanna end it so badly i feel overwhelmed with EVERY Single thing my body and mind cant handle stress

I wanna cry out so badly but i cant

Tmrw im getting my report card and i am so scared

I messed up ik its my foult but i couldnt do better i did my best o have just such a hard time in school i feel so tired and Bad

Im sorry i really am!

And then there is this girl which i liked

For the first time i liked someone and she keept complimenting (?) Me abt my looks my style my personality she always found something

And she made me feel so loved and special i have never feelt so in love with someone befor and she did flirt with me a lot so i rrally thought i had a chance for once in my life i did but i guess im Not good enough

Now she is in a daiting Phase with her chrush

Seriously between me and her crush are worlds

If i am so pretty why wasnt i pretty enough for you!? Am i pretty enough ever!?

God i hate myself i just wanna starve myself never eat again maybe then she likes me if im skinny

Maybe my mom could love me more if im skinny she just keeps making coments abt my body

I hate myself with all my heart

And no one around me understands me

#vent post #tw vent #im sorry

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keefwho · 1 year

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June 24 - 2023 Saturday

10:18 AM

I feel like it’s possible that I could fall into the same slump as I did last weekend if I don’t watch myself. This is a valuable challenge though. This time there are some important distinctions. Firstly, I have the reassurance I need that friends and companions will not just disappear. Having that important conversation a few nights ago was very important in helping me realize that. Also the time I took exercising those first 3 ACT skills have helped get me out of my own head for now. I know it’s easy to slip up but right now I feel confident that with a little effort, this could be a fine weekend.

On the surface my immediate stress/general upsetness comes from wanting to spend time with people I have deep connection with but I currently cannot. I already talked about this last weekend, it’s perfectly valid that they are unavailable on the weekends. It’s up to me to have other contacts or be able to happily exist by myself for a bit. The biggest thing that helps me achieve that is believing they will always be back. Even if we’re apart, we are together. Thats the kind of reassurance I think is normal, as opposed to an unhealthy desire to know someone won’t leave. I was lacking basic requirements that were largely brought about by my own thoughts and beliefs. I’m good for now.

Now I have to figure out what to actually do with my weekend. I think I want to work on my next VRchat world and maybe play my Switch a little. If I feel more generally social, there are a couple people in mind I could try hanging out with. I also have the option to take a gummy which could be likely.

12:21 PM

Currently evaluating myself and how I feel right now, keeping in mind the exercises I did the past few days. I have thoughts nagging at me that aren’t true, making me feel bad about myself. It’s classic “Since I’m not prioritized, I am not wanted whatsoever.” This one happens way too frequently, so much so that it’s starting to lose its effect just when I noticed it. Like when I was struggling with anxiety and I would fear the same thing over and over but it would never happen. It’s starting to become goofy how often I feel this way but I’m always proven wrong. I also got a little perspective on myself and my relation to others. I’d say all morning I was in the mindset of trying to please or live up to someone else’s expectations of me, or what I think their expectations are. It’s easy to fall into because I feel like it’s the only way to keep people around. It has the opposite effect however. I become boring because I have nothing to bring to the social table, only echoing their ideas back at them. Then when I am left alone, I realize I have nothing to show for myself. It’s a hard thing to catch and break free of. Not all my problems come from self doubt though. The fact that I can’t be spending time with my favorite person does make me sad, and that is normal. It’s a feeling that has be lived with while I branch out and discover other ways to fulfill myself. It’s okay to feel this way as long as it doesn’t consume me.

I think I need to be more vocal with what I want from others. By that I mean openly asking if someone wants to do what I want to do rather than trying to prod what they want to do just so I can get any time with them at all. I always believe that it is selfish of me to do that, or that they don’t like me enough to oblige. The reality is they will likely be into my idea and may even do it if they are unsure how they feel about it just because they like me so much. And they will just say no if they really don’t want to or can’t. I catch myself sacrificing for others too much and it would benefit me to catch myself before going too far.

Im so ANGRY at myself, why can’t I just get over my own mind? I cause myself so much anguish for literally no reason and it makes others suffer too. I’m tired of it. I wanna chill and make lifelong friends and love myself and everyone around me. I just want to love honestly. Thats at the core of everything. I’ve suppressed myself for so long and developed many bad complexes and coping mechanisms.

Every time I think I’m starting to gain control of myself, the smallest thing sends me spiraling back down.

Sometimes I wonder is it really me stopping myself from believing I’m loved or do I really not get the time or attention that I need? How much is too much or too little? When is it a problem? It must be now because of how much I care about it. What should be done?

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hellosanrio · 2 years

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money has been a major stress this month. with bills and gas and with my car falling apart, and the addition of paying for school tuition since financial aid won’t cover just one class... its all very stressful. I worked extra hard at work and longer as well. hopefully that is reflective in my upcoming paycheck. I sound like such an adult. gross! thank god for my depop as an extra way to make money or I don’t know how I'd be able to pay for gas, and car insurance, and my 5.99 amazon music subscription. ugh. I get jealous of my bf bc he does not seem to have this problem. he seems to have so much disposable income to spend, and he goes to a nice university that his parents and his grandparents pay for. I feel guilty for being jealous.

I’m just so tired. I realize that I everyone asks me to do things for them constantly. always asking me for favors, to take them somewhere, hey can you take me to this place hey can you take the order for this table hey can you get their drink order hey can you do the dishes and get my package from the package room im so tired!!!! and I feel bad for being tired, and I feel bad that sometimes I expect for people to help me in return. I feel selfish that I can’t just help everyone out of the goodness of my heart and not be tired. I wish I could say no. can’t I say no? can’t someone do something for me this time?

#08/29/2022

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uncertain3teeth · 2 years

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my mom is headed out going to a food bank rn and it reminded me of an old memory of my toxic cousin bc i remember one time i told her that my aunt was going to a food bank and then she laughed and TAHTS FUCKED UP LIKE FUCK HER like you dont understand the shit that people have to go through when we dont have money we cant afford barley anything and we sometimes have to maybe even eat expired food because we dont have money to buy anything like laughing at a persons low income is fucking rude and disrespectful like she would know she HAS money and she can buy what the fuck ever...me and my mom on the other hand NO we have bills and rent piled up and its stressful and unfair and especially if your whole family is high income and then since i cut them off bc of my toxic cousin its hard to ask for help bc it makes me feel like im getting involved with my cousin again so fuck you stephanie for ruining my fucking life eith your physical and mental abuse and gaslighting and trying to seperate me and my mom saying that "being at your house makes you depressed" and "your mom doesnt care about you" and saying my mom is selfish and you called her the r slur and slow and you threaten to hit me and ever since elementary throughout highschool you always try and gaslight me into thinking that my mom is selfish and that staying at your place is whats right and especially elementary since i was young you would always every week talk abt how much my mother doesnt care and it actually made me turn on my own mother saying "i dont want to stay at her house can i stay here" and i would cry if she would have to take me home but little did i know that wasnt my own thoughts it was her fucking words ingraved into my head and i remember you talking abt my dad which left when i was in kindergarten and she knows how fucking sensitive i was abt that topic at the time but no and from an event in 2020 i still feel your hands on me pinning me down like a dog just bc your finger was in my face and you were yelling at me and i didnt even shove you i lightly tried to move your finger away from me and you quickly grabbed me from the chair and pinned me down with my hands behind my back and you were on top of me and i was sobbing and i wanted to cry for help but nobody was there to do anything and as she got off me i and ran to the bathroom to cut and she was chasing after me yelling "come back here now" and she was banging on the door and theres so much other things you did to me and i hate that i was the whole families scapegoat and that i was a punching bag and that rveryone thought i was disrespectful towards you but i was only calling out for help and even after i told them you abused me and all of that stuff they still are on your side is it bc you are a nurse and technically nurses take care of children so basically they just think "oh how could she do that she takes csre of children" and they would say "she was probably just tired" and if i speak up they always go to "she helped you will school since elementary school" and thats usually an excuse she can get away with and i hate it and she has all of these excuses and im just left with nothing and im broken and hurt and i fucking hate you stephanie for all of the shit you done to me you toxic manipulative cunt and sorry doesn't change any fucking thing i am still hurt and it hurts when you cut a family member off and you think you did something and you feel powerful but then the family doesnt even react to it and its just like a backhanded slap in the face bc you feel like you built all of that courage for nothing and now look at me having mild agoraphobia and being clinically depressed in my house that i haven't left since may of last year and i feel like everyday is the same and im sleeping 24 fucking 7 well latley im getting kinda sleepless nights bc i pulled all nighters for 3 or 4 days lost count but im trying my fivking hardest to heal and you cant hurt me anymore and i am better than you will ever be so a personal fuck you to you

#tw toxic family #tw sh implied #tw gaslighting #tw abuse #tw mental abuse #family scapegoat

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s4ijoh · 3 years

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meet me halfway (across the globe). suna rintarou

SUNA RINTAROU X GN! READER

GENRE: slice of life; facetime call; fluff

WORD COUNT: 1.4k+

WARNINGS: established relationship; mentions of stress

in which suna is somewhere far away…

[10:22] rin: “you up?”

[10:23] rin: “big game tomorrow morning.”

[10:23] rin: “cant’ sleep. need to see u.”

the phone buzzing on the bedside table startles you out of your morning somnolence. the empty spot in bed next to you feels a weird type of unfamiliar. you drowsily stretch your arms out, reaching for the ringing device while dragging out a loud yawn.

you are taken aback by surprise once you take a look at the numbers displayed on your phones lock screen: 10:25am. its already past midnight in his timezone. he shouldn’t be up this late.

swiping through your phone's screen, you waste no time in dialling his number once you come across the green facetime icon and luckily, it is only a brief moment until he is picking up and oh boy are you met with a sight to behold. if it werent for your concern, you could’ve just stayed there, marvelling in awe at your boyfriend, sitting shirtless against the headboard in all his glory. his pale skin is gleaming a beautiful shade of orange under the dim light of the table lamp thus reminiscing a statue made of gold; his tousled, black feathery hair sticking in all different directions yet with just a few loose strands cascading down the sides of his temple and framing his face in such way that made him look effortlessly handsome.

he looked as beautiful as ever. however, despite the apparent picture perfect scenario, you would be a fool not to notice the clear signs of restlessness showcased on his features nonetheless.

“sorry, did i wake you?” suna apologizes tenderly with a doting frown on his face once he notices your lids still heavy with vestiges of somnolence just barely peeking from the bottom of the screen. your phone is propped up on your chest, the lower half of your face hidden away from him as you refuse to get up from your comfortable position laying under the warm blankets.

“dont worry about it, baby.” you hurriedly push his apologies aside whilst rubbing the sleep off your eyes to try and not make him feel too bad about it “you know you can call me anytime. im always waiting for you on the other end whenever you need me”

he offers you a subtle smile, although its odd — its weak, not sincere. it is not the usual signature smirk with a teasing remark on the side you earn whenever you say something cheesy. it is also hard to miss the darkening spots growing under his tired eyes, his usual sparkly green orbs now nearing dull, heavy with underlying frustration. it made it all crystal clear.

rintarou is not an outwardly emotional person and definitely not one to voice his concerns. his pleas for help were often left unspoken and it takes a sharp eye to see through his unwavering surface. for the most part, the blank expression he's seen wearing most of the time did a pretty good job at shielding his feelings yet his eyes often betrayed him.

he had taken off a couple days ago to somewhere foreign for an important match. you know how sometimes, before a decisive match takes place, he lets pressure get to that pretty head of his and relies on you to keep him grounded and soothe his racing mind. for the longest time, he had been capable of keeping his emotions at bay and deal with his troubles on his own but ever since you came around, rintarou found himself growing selfish and craving your comfort, finding solace in your reassuring words and warm embrace.

you miss the old days when your lover was just at an arm's length and all it took was for him to say the word for you to drop everything and come running to his house, to hold him in your arms and make it all feel better. you remember people in highschool claiming suna was bound to fade into the background given his lazy tendencies and lack of enthusiasm. (what a waste of potential, they would say) suna would shrug. he never payed any mind to it — you praised him on his unshakable nature. it should be a major ego boost for rintarou to know that, not that many years later and against the spiteful tongues of some of your classmates, he made a name for himself as a first division professional volleyball player, thus proving them wrong.

however, he still has quite a few demons to tame inside his head. one of which was self-doubt.

you let your eyes roam his tired features for a moment. “you need to get out of your head, rin”

suna knew you could read him like an open book. you made him feel vulnerable under your scrutinizing gaze. he felt exposed. to have you stare directly into his naked soul was intimidating, more so than to have you stare at his nude body, like you have done dozens of times before. but just like you did with his body, you had taken your time to get to know every corner of his soul. you knew him like the palm of your hand — both mind and body.

“i know.” he tears his gaze away from yours, looking down while running a hand through his disheveled hair and down to scratch his neck in frustration. “tell me how have your days been?”

the silence of his hotel room was eating him whole and he needed you to distract him. most of the time, suna was fond of the silence. after a rough day he found comfort in laying down in his bed and basking in the quiet. he found peace in it. sometimes it was in the quietness of his own little world that he found the solution to his problems. but upon your arrival to that mysterious world of his, your voice soon became his favorite sound. he craved you to fill in the silence that he once treasured.

and so he listens. suna listens as you talk throughout the night (who would’ve guessed you had just woken up), rambling on about your days as other trivial things — namely how you could never get used to starting the day without his morning cuddles. he found it endearing how you seemed to speak enough for the two of you. he was a man of few words so he was lucky to have found someone to fill in the silence for him. and so he listens until his eyes start progressively feeling heavy, your voice lulling him to sleep.

“hey, baby” he calls in a barely audible raspy voice. suna lays down on his side under the cold unwelcoming bed sheets, holding his phone next to his face on the pillow “put your pretty face on the phone”

a soft smile crawls its way up to your flushed face at his sugar coated words, his voice although drowsy sounding sweeter than saccharin. you were so lost in the lovely image of him that you failed to notice that your face was barely on the frame, just your eyes peeking shyly from the bottom of the screen.

you shuffle in bed, turning on your side to mirror his position. its almost as if you’re not a hundred miles apart and he's lying right next to you, if you squint hard enough.

“there you are” he mumbles weakly under his breath, a loving smile on his pillowy rosy lips that you miss dearly.

his eyes appear weary through the screen yet he never fails to look at you with the utmost love. dumbfounded, you wordlessly stare at each other as you fall into a comfortable silence that is however, filled with a hundred unspoken words.

his love is quiet, hesitant at times but never shallow. he felt deeply and feared he wasn't the best to put it into words so sometimes, his love, it hides beyond lingering stares and shy touches. it remained unuttered most of the time but words are futile when he has shown his devotion to you countless times before.

“hey rin. you think you can go to sleep, now?” you notice him fighting the urge to let his eyes close shut, battling to stay awake for a little longer to try and memorize your face for later so he can dream of you tonight.

he simply nods with his eyes shut, too sleepy to pronounce a single word.

“call me tomorrow after the game, alright?” he nods yet again, noticeably starting to drift away at last but not before muttering a quiet i love you before the last hint of consciousness leaves his body, eliciting a tender smile from you.

“i love you, rin. ill meet you in your dreams tonight.”

[a/n]: so! writing this fic made me realize that im undeniably in love with suna and he now owns a 51% share of my heart. (oikawa. ill never forget you. its not you its me (suna) maybe its time i move on. 🤒 jk jk ill have both pls and ty 🥰)

anyways ye i guess im back from my mini hiatus (as a full suna whore) :))

this is honestly a word dump, initially this was supposed to be like... what.. 500 words long? i just thought of the prompt “put your pretty face on the phone” and the rest is just me pouring my love for him into words ah-ha. (you probably noticed how it is unnecessarily cheesy 🙄)

just for the record!! i havent finished season 4 just yet 🐸 lmao. i took inspiration off of nooras (@/inarzki) characterization of suna because she was the one who made me fall in love with him in the first place.

#suna rintaro x reader #suna rintarou #suna x reader #suna fluff #suna rintarou x reader #suna rintarou fluff #haikyuu x reader

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newtsies · 3 years

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When I Was Your Man || A Ralbert One Shot

a/n - hello! so basically this one shot is a College Newsies AU where Racetrack and Albert broke up and Race started dating Spot :'). it's about ralbert though?? so it's like- okay its from alberts POV and it's based on When I Was Your Man so yeah :D (all lyrics from the song will be in bold and italicized),, i'll only be writing the chorus once <3

also i didnt edit this cuz its late and IM TIRED SO sorry if it sucks lol

tw('s) - cussing

same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now

Albert didn't sleep well at night, if he even slept at all. His bed was empty. The same bed that he had slept in since the beginning of college. But it wasn't his bed, it was their bed. At least, it used to be theirs. Now, it was just his, but he couldn't accept that it was only his.

But at one point, it was theirs. Him and Racetrack, it was once their bed. Even if it was only his, Albert could swear that Race's body was still outlined in the cushion of his bed.

The bed used to be so small, too small for the two of them. They cuddled together to keep each other from falling off. But now it was huge. He had no-one to roll over to in the morning, he was alone.

He couldn't even sleep on the right side of the bed. That was Race's side. Even if Race hadn't slept on the bed for a long time, even if he would never sleep on the bed again. That was his side, not Alberts.

And often times he would lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. He would reach over to the right for his boyfriends- ex-boyfriends hand. But it wasn't there. He reached over and was met with sheets and pillows.

So he didn't sleep, because he had no-one to sleep with and his bed was too big to sleep in. And he stayed awake until the next morning when he got into his car and drove from his apartment to the school.

Not even in his car did he get peace. It wasn't his car, it was Race's car. Race had picked it out, he liked the color. And it smelled like Race's cologne and it held memories of Race in each dent of the leather seats.

So he sold the car. He got a new car, his own car. But even with the smell of Race gone, with his memories in the seats gone. The radio in the new car betrayed Albert.

our song on the radio but it don't sound the same

The car radio had one station, and Albert could swear that the station only had one playlist they played each day. Because every day, and it never missed one day, it would play their song. The song they first danced to. So Albert turned off the radio, and he never turned it on. Even when friends begged him to play music, the radio staid off and he played music from his quiet phone.

Every day, Albert showed up to school exhausted. He nearly passed out in class. Lunch was the only time he ever slept. Everyone assumed he didn't get sleep due to his hard classes, which couldn't be farther from the truth. He didn't do his work. He couldn't pay attention in class, not with Race there.

when our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down

"You really lucked out being with him, Al," Jack said.

Romeo agreed and added onto the comment, "Kelly's right. He's gorgeous. And a genius too. Too smart for his own good."

Albert raised his head from his arms with a desperately sad look. He sighed and shook his head, "I told you guys. I know we broke up a while ago, but it still hurts, okay?" He rested his head back into his arms and closed his eyes tightly. His heart ached with every comment. He knew Race was gorgeous. He knew Race was a genius. He knew so much about him, yet he didn't know him enough to keep him happy.

"Sorry, man. Forgot," Jack mumbled. Romeo muttered something of an apology and scratched at his neck.

"I know you hate school activities," Romeo started, "But you should come to the party tonight. Dance a little, I think it'll cheer you up."

Albert sighed and tried not to think about why dancing would be hard for him. He looked up and pushed his hair out of his face, "I'll come."

'cause my heart breaks a little when i hear your name

"Race!" Spot called from the couch. The music boomed and Spots voice was quiet, but Albert heard the name anyways. He immediately turned to the boy.

Spot grinned as Race made his way over to him. Race plopped into his lap and smiled back as he hugged the boy. Alberts eyes widened and his chest ached.

Even just hearing Race's name hurt Albert, brought back a wave of memories. Each yell of Race's name when he did something dumb, each fond laugh of the name when he complimented him, each whine of Racetrack's name when he bugged Albert too much. He missed it all.

it all just sounds like ooh, ooh, hoo

Jack and Romeo were definitely talking to Albert, but he couldn't hear anything they were saying. The music sounded like gibberish and he couldn't think. All he could do was stare at the couple on the couch and ache at the sight.

mm, too young, too dumb to realize, that i should have bought you flowers

Albert watched as Race giggled at the flower Spot offered him. Spot smiled and put the small yellow flower behind Race's ear. The stem stuck between his ear and his head whilst the bud pointed outwards.

The years that they dated, Albert and Race were young and naive. He didn't know how to be romantic or how to make Race happy. No matter how hard he tried.

"I should've bought him flowers," He sighed. Jack and Romeo shared a knowing glance before pushing Albert to sit down on the couch.

and held your hand

"I mean," Albert continued, "I was too insecure to do anything with him." They didn't even hold hands in public, because Albert was scared. Scared of what society would think.

should have gave you all my hours, when i had the chance

Albert and Race had started dating their first year of college. Albert was constantly busy with classes. He was always doing work and stressing about class.

Anytime Race would make an attempt to spend time with him, he shut it down.

"I'm doing work," He would say, "You should be doing work, too."

He wanted to do well, get a good job, find a good home, start a family. But all of that was dumb. It was pointless. To hell with it all if we didn't get to come back from his job to see Race. Because Race was his home and he didn't want to start a family with anyone else.

take you to every party 'cause all you wanted to do was dance

"Al!" Race would whine and grab at his arm, "Dance with me, please. Just for a little bit."

Albert never did dance with him. No matter how much he asked, he refused to do so. He couldn't, he needed to get good grades. He needed to provide.

"We can dance later," He would say.

The usual response he would get was, "Promise?" But one day, he received a different answer, "There isn't going to be a later. Not for us, Albert."

now my baby's dancing, but he's dancing with another man

Race pulled Spot up from the couch. They smiled as they moved together to the middle of the room. The music vibrated around them as the two danced.

Albert watched from the camp as he shook his leg. He took in a deep and quaking breath before stumbling out of the house. He threw his cup to the side and gulped in a large breath.

my pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways, caused a good strong man like you to walk out my life

"What do you mean their won't be a later for us, Racer?" Albert had asked, finally looking up from his studies.

Race had scoffed, "Oh, of course! That's what gets you to look me in the eye, huh?" He had rolled his eyes, "We're done, Al. I can't do this anymore, can't do us. Okay? You're so god damn selfish. You only do what's best for you. Ever think about what's best for us, huh? Do you ever even think about me?"

"Of course I think about you, Race. You're all I ever think about," Al had stuttered out.

"Sure," Race had laughed sourly, "I just wanted to fucking dance, Albert. You wouldn't even do that with me. I'm leaving." With that, Race had grabbed all of his stuff and walked out of the apartment.

now i never, never get to clean up the mess i made, oh. and that haunts me every time i close my eyes

Albert closed his eyes when he left the house. Their breakup flashed behind his eyelids and he choked out a sob. He fell to his knees on the grass.

"God damnit," He weakly hit the grass beneath him, "I could've fixed it. I could- Could've. But- Spot. I can't fix it anymore."

although it hurts, i'll be the first to say that i was wrong

He shook his head, "Race was right. I never thought about him." And his stomach twisted with that realization.

Albert has thought he was thinking about Race, about their future together. But it was never about Race, it was about him. He needed to good grades, Racer didn't. Everything that happened was his fault, and he knew that.

oh, i know i'm probably much too late, to try and apologize for my mistakes

He took a deep breath before falling back to sit down on the grass. The door opened and a boy with curly blonde hair sat down next to him.

Race gave Albert a sad smile.

"I'm not going to say sorry," Albert started, "Because that won't make up for anything. I was wrong, about everything." Race nodded.

"Al," Race said quietly.

Albert shook his head with a small grin, "Don't. Go get, Spot. Be happy. Go love the boy who you want to see when you get home from long work days, okay? Love him the way I love you." He paused, "Not the way I treated you, but the way I feel about you. I know it didn't seem like it. But I love you."

Race smiled and gave Albert a pat on the cheek, "I loved you too."

That was the sad tragedy of their relationship.

Albert was in love with Race. Race had been in love with Albert.

They loved each other at different times. But Albert could accept the pain of being in love with a boy would didn't love him back, because even though Race was in love with someone else, he was happy. And that's all Albert wanted, because Race deserved to be happy.

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princeanxious · 4 years

Text

Trust is a Fragile, Fickle Demon.

Pairing: Analogical

Fandom: Sanders sides

Warnings: hurt/comfort, happy ending, mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of mental abuse, mentions of abusive parent, mentioned of past betrayed trust, trust issues, let me know if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 1.9k words

(A/n): this is sort of a short one, idk that im very proud of it, its written a little differently than I normally write so let me know if ya’ll like it? I tried!

Trust was something earned, gained, given, not expected. At least, to Logan, thats how it’d always been. The omega had learned young the mistake of trusting anyone so readily, a freely given token of connection that only served to hurt him in the long run.

Even now, Logan was aware his upbringing had been slightly rougher than his common peers. His therapists all readily, or subtly, pointed out that his alcoholic alpha of a single father who never should have been a parent to begin with was undoubtedly the root cause of many of his issues.

First of all of them was the lasting trauma of the emotional abuse he’d endured as a child and teenager. Never smart enough, never quiet enough, never clean enough. He was never enough, he was never going to be enough. He was a weak, broken, and useless omega in his father's eyes, and would never amount to anything more. And while he never wanted to believe it, often said he never believed any of it, he could only confidently say he didn’t truly believe even just part of it by the time he was 23.

Another was that he’d never been given any freedom to do as he pleased when he was younger. He never got to visit friends or do anything more fun than read at the library(and boy did he read any chance that he got back then). His first real social outing was when Roman, his then longtime college roommate and current best friend, had playfully offered for him to come join him to go buy icecream at midnight. But, that story is better saved for a different time.

All you need to know is that, that midnight ice cream became a bi-weekly routine, and the other omega learned more about Logan than he thought he’d ever get out of the closed off nerd that night. Perhaps one could even go so far to say that Roman was the reason Logan ever even dared to go to a therapist in the first place.

Logan had become very stunted from the childhood neglect he’d endured. Omegas had many self-soothing mannerisms built into their primal instincts to comfort themselves when stressed, like purring when upset(was well as when happy or content!) and nesting to decompress or hide in a safe zone when stressed. And well, Logan had pretty much stifled his purring by the time he was 14, and.. Completely stopped nesting by the time he was 9.

There had been no point, and both had become increasingly dangerous to do as he grew older. Anytime his father caught him purring, the Alpha would berate him for being ungrateful, seeing it as a weakness. And no matter how well he’d try to hide his safety nests, his father would inevitably find them and destroy them. Far too many afternoons were ruined when he came home to find his father in a drunken stupor and his newest safe haven wrecked beyond repair, and stinking to high heaven of alcohol and aggressive, angry alpha pheromones.

So he gave up. He gave up trying to make the nests in hopes for comfort, in hopes for a safe haven to hide away. The longest he’d gotten was hiding away in his closet for periods of a time before his father decided it didn’t deserve a closeable door anymore.

Roman had been horrified, and promptly dragged the other omega into his own nest in distress. They spent hours like that, Logan sobbing and tucked up tenderly into Roman’s protective embrace as the omega purred and crooned comfortingly enough for the both of them.

It would be Roman to encourage Logan to begin nesting again. They’d made a whole day out of it, going out and buying brand new nesting materials along with comfort food and rented movies. Slowly but surely, Logan rebuilt his nest for the first time in a little over 10 years, and he was in heaven. And day by day, every time he came home to it intact and undisturbed, Logan’s psyche was assured just a little more that the nest was safe, that he was finally safe.

And no one could really be surprised that Logan became viscerally protective of his nest, even more so than the average omega, at that. The first time they realized this, one of their mutual friends, a beta named Patton, had suddenly come close to his nest in excitement over the new addition. Logan had snarled loudly and aggressively before he’d even processed moving to guard his nest from the approaching threat. When Patton had taken multiple careful steps back in shock, Logan finally snapped out of the defensive mindset and realized what had happened. He’d apologized profusely, and was quick to try and make amends.

Patton understood the justified reaction after some light explanation and waved off the apologies immediately. Logan, though mortified at his own surprising lapse in control, was grateful that there had at least been no hard feelings in the end.

Safe to say, their friend group and subsequently any new friends made in the future would be warned, “Don’t approach, or touch, Logan’s nest.” And it was fine. Things were even looking up, Logan had started truly healing, and trusting people started to become a little less difficult!

So it would really come as a surprise to everyone, let alone Logan himself, when he started developing a small crush on the kind and patient(if a little anxious) Alpha who nearly daily visited the library Lo worked at to study. It was an honest shock, but, perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world..?

Logan had never seriously considered dating another until Virgil came around, and the prospect of dating an alpha was frankly terrifying. But, Virgil was nice, he was caring and gentle with him, and yet unwaveringly respectful. He’d listen to Logan ramble about stars for hours and never interrupt him, only asking questions when Logan’s voice lulled or allowed him to speak. Virgil encouraged this, wanting Logan to open up and ramble and talk without fear of being shut down.

Roman had told Logan it was obvious Virgil was crushing hard on Logan, that they both had it bad for one another it seemed. Of course, nothing had to come of it if Logan didn’t want it to! But the thing was, he did. He did want something to come of it, if at the very least they could just remain friends.

It took a few more months, but Virgil eventually worked up enough confidence to ask Logan out, and the unwavering, almost immediate ‘Yes,’ had almost taken Virgil off guard. They wouldn’t share their first kiss for another few weeks, but neither of them minded.

Virgil slowly but surely was given the whole story, and expressed his own quiet outrage in the form of promising to never let that happen again, nor let Logan’s father near him again. It was a protective sentiment that almost scared Logan, but the protectiveness was born out of love and compassion, not selfishness and hate. So he let it slide, and contently tucked himself into Virgil’s warm embrace with a soft “thank you,” and the first very soft but very happy purr that he’d let out in years.

This alpha, he’d find him telling himself a year and a half into their relationship, this alpha was the one that would be allowed into his nest.

It didn’t bother Virgil personally, that he wasn’t allowed into his omega’s nest. No one was allowed near the nest except him, and even then he still got growled at plenty. He was completely aware that Logan had a deep instinctual fear of the destruction of his nest, sewn by the only parent he’d had growing up doing just that out of malice. Logan had made strides in his journey of healing though. The omega was confident in himself, and refused to be pushed aside or spoken over. Logan was highly independent, even during his heats, which made Virgil feel all the more love for him to be let into his omegas life.

Logan wasn’t dependent on him like society demanded he be, and Virgil didn’t mind in the slightest, because he knew Logan. He loved this omega and knew said omega loved him back. That was all that mattered to either of them.

It took another half a year before Logan finally tried breaking down some of his protective walls over his nest. He was tired, so tired of the separation. Having Virgil's scent heavily entwined with objects in his nest wasn’t enough anymore. At two years into their relationship, Logan’s instincts didn't feel the need to growl at Virgil for being near his nest anymore. He wanted Virgil in his nest, and that thought was jarring to realize.

And when he’d brought it up, Virgil had been quick to assure him that he didn’t have to force himself to let Virgil in, that Logan’s safe space was sacred and he never wanted Logan to feel pressured by anything to let him in.

Perhaps Logan kissed him soundly after that, and was reminded just how much he really loved Virgil. Virgil's insistence for Logan's comfort coming first only made him want to pull his alpha into his nest that much more.

But still, he agreed to take it slowly. Every day, Virgil would scoot a little closer to the edge of the nest, would hold Logan’s hand and stroke his hair, even sometimes daring to slowly lean over and kiss him with prior warning.

It took a full week to really prove to Virgil during their progress that they were ready to take this next step, that Logan truly and fully trusted Virgil and wanted him in his nest.

And when it finally happened, they’d made a little date out of the occasion, setting up snacks and candy, ordering take out and lining up a few documentaries to watch on Virgil’s laptop, getting into their nightclothes.

Virgil had been beyond nervous, and Logan understood why. They managed to soothe each other as everything fell into place, and Logan carefully walked Virgil step by step into his nest. With careful movements, they sat down and Virgil let himself be carefully arranged as he was leaned back into the nest. It took a second for Logan to finish tucking things against Virgil and pull a weighted comforter over them before he finally settled himself onto Virgil’s chest.

Despite their original nervousness towards the idea, everything felt right, now. Logan felt so unbelievably safe now that he was tucked into his alpha’s arms within the cocoon of his nest. It was amazing in its own right. And it takes Virgil chuckling lovingly for Logan to notice just how content they both are.

“You’re purring like crazy, L,” he murmurs with a smile, running his fingers up and down Logan’s rumbling back, “If you’re not careful you might fall asleep before we even get through the first documentary.” Logan just grins back, tilting his head to peck Virgil on the cheek.

“I see no downside to that, V, considering I’ll be falling asleep in my alpha’s safe embrace. What more could I ever want?”

Virgil flusters and hides his face in Logan’s hair as the omega laughs, hugging the other closer. Logan eventually does fall asleep in the middle of the second documentary, cuddled close and relaxed.

And really, there was no other place Logan would rather be.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #virgil sanders #analogical #luka writes #trigger warnings may apply #tw abuse mention #tw neglect mention #tw trust issues #tw childhood neglect #tw childhood trauma #hurt/comfort #happy ending #let me know if i need to tag more!#omegaverse au

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taebear0801 · 4 years

Text

Nct Dream Reaction to scaring you or you flinching during an argument.

May consider sensitive content for some people and Mark is in dream again because it’s become fixed.

Mark lee

You were over at Mark’s room in the dorm after he invited you over last night. But today he was too stressed and crabby to deal with you.

“Mark?”

“What do you want now?”

“I was wondering if you maybe wanted to chill out and spend some time in the park” you try to reason but you voice is wavering, scared that Mark will be mad at you.

“NO Y/N. You don’t understand what’s its like to work this hard or be an idol. You’re too naive to understand my stress, go yourself” this out burst had you looking down at your hands frustrated but you can’t let him treat you like this.

“WELL, I’m trying to put in effort unlike you. You always think everything in the relationship is about you.” And when he turned around you knew that you fucked up. But whaat you didn’t expect was for mark to stand up and walk towards you threatening you.

“Don’t Ever Talk To Me Like That Again” articulating every word.

Already being smaller than him, the disadvantage of sitting on a bed so you put up your arms in defence. When Mark sees this action he realises how he must of scared you and you just wanted to spend time with him despite your earlier comment.

“I’m sorry Jagi.” He said softly waiting for you to look up at him before he continued, “I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” He would ask if you were ok before he touches you and would engulf you in a hug whilst both of you apologise many times to each other.

Hwang Renjun

Renjun has always been mouthy and sometimes he doesn’t know when to stop. But he’s got to the point of actually scaring you.

“I don’t have time to only play attention to you. The world doesn’t revolve around you sweetheart” he would say in an extremely sarcastic tone that really hurt you.

“Why would you say something like that. I’ve given up time for you” you would yell back, upset he talked to you like that.

He was trying to walk away but when he heard you, he stopped in his tracks and slams the door he just open while turning around. So when he sees you flinch initially he didn’t think much of it.

“You honestly think that you have given up anything in this relationship? I’m putting my career on the line, maybe you not worth it.” And with that you run out the door back into your apartment. You get some boba to chill you out but the whole time Renjun’s words ring in your ear. That night you put on one of his shirts and climb into bed all alone. You cry at the memory but unbeknownst to you, when you left the dorm, Jaemin heard the exchange and told Renjun that if he wanted to keep you, he would need to apologise.

So when he unlocks the door, he feels worse when he sees how alone you were on the shared bed you bought for both of you. He hears some stiffening and accidentally closes the door too loudly. This makes you flinch and he remembers how you flinched before. You guys would make up in the bed and he would apologise more for the words he said than his slamming the door.

Lee Jeno

Jeno is known to be scary with the members but you never believed it. He was always so sweet to you and even when he got annoyed in an argument he would be more frustrated but never seem intimidating. But when he dragged you back into your apartment after the waiter at the cafe recognised you and started, in his eyes, flirt with you.

“How could you have that guy all over you like that? Did you enjoy it? Like a fucking slut enjoying other men’s attention?” His words hurt. Sure you used to like the guy but now you’re with Jeno, so this situation didn’t make any sense to you.

“Like I said before, I don’t like him anymore”

“BUT THAT PRICK RUBBED IT IN MY FACE. He kept stating your past an how you used to like him”

“But-“ and before you could respond, Jeno slammed his hand on the table and walked up to you after saying.

“SHUT UP!”

You raise your arms in defence and he could see your tears building up in your eyes.

“I’m sorry for scaring you baby.”

“I can’t believe you would accuse me and call me a slut” you say softly but shaking from the tears falling. He just engulfs you in a hug stroking you to calm you down. He feels bad at the way he spoke and would spoil you for the next few days. He doesn’t what you to think of him as a monster.

Lee Donghyuck

It’s 3 am and you are in Donghyuck’s room whilst he plays video games. You kinda wished that he rested more but you also like the way he looks happy when playing.

“Go to bed with me donghyuck. Please”

“After this game. Go to bed first” He said for the 11th time.

“Why are you like this, you need to rest.” You start yelling.

“Just be quiet and don’t wake the others.” He said sharply.

You had enough and after he died in the game, you turn off the power button of the computer.

“What the-. WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM Y/N. Why did you do that?!” Donghyuck is turned around in disbelief.

“You died so I thought you were finished.”

This seemed to have triggered something and he walks toward you furiously, causing you to crawl up higher on the bed.

He yells, “What right do you have to turn off my computer despite if the game finished or not.”

But when he raises his hand, you shield your face and start crying, “please don’t hit me”.

With this, donghyuck is shattered. He doesn’t realise just how late or how tired you must of been to just want to cuddle with him.

“I just didn’t want to sleep alone” you cried as you continue to hid your face from him. “Im sorry if that’s selfish” and with that you roll off bed and run towards the door.

Donghyuck grabs you before you get the chance and gently back hugs you. “I’m not letting you out at 3am in the morning.”

“Why are you caring now suddenly” and you try to get to the door again. Donghyuck gets his opportunity to grab your wrist and pull you to him crying.

“Let’s sleep ok. I don’t what you to be scared of me.”

In bed he strokes your sleeping face thinking you are in deep sleep and says softly, “you know I would never harm you in that way. But I can’t believe we came to this.” But you heard every word.

Na Jaemin

Jaemin doesn’t like to fight and even if you guys do there’s usually the silent treatment and then a very cute date to make up. But today was different, Jaemin hasn’t yelled at you like this. He hasn’t been this aggressive. He’s upset that when you come to the dorms, you only interact with the boys.

“Would you rather date Renjun over me?” He would ask, “do you want him to fuck you?” His comments didn’t help the fact that you were wearing a cute skirt you bought a couple days ago to impress Jaemin. But when came to the dorms, Jisung asked you to get a stain out of his shirt then Renjun ask you to help him cook, which Jaemin did not take a liking to.

“Are you calling me a slut?”

“I don’t know but you sure like other men’s attention.”

“You know I only love you, Jaemin.” You try to reassure him but when you walk towards him, he adjusts his fringe and this makes you flinch.

You aren’t sure how long you both stood there but Jaemin was mad. He was mad you thought of him like that.

“Did you really think that or are you trying to get a reaction out of me” he would growl.

“What- now it was my reflex”

“I don’t care, but you damn well know that I would never hit you. I can’t believe you thought that lowly of me” he would exclaim.

You’re not sure how to recover from this but you head for the door and the boys hitting outside on the couch would look at you fully aware of situation. This would make you feel even worse and you would run out the door. I would take half a day to find Jaemin outside your apartment door with some flowers. And probably a roast from Renjun about his insecurity.

Zhong Chenle

Poor baby, you and Chenle would be the cutest couple and fights never really existed. But when you over hear Chenle talking to Jisung about how his mum found out about you and she doesn’t like you. His mum thought you were with him for the money and this breaks you. You have never benefited from Chenle’s income so none of this made sense to you.

“But why didn’t you come to me? Are you thinking about breaking up” you are on the verge of tears at the moment and Chenle would not know how exactly to handle this situation.

“No I just needed someone to ask, a guy in this situation.” the last thing he wanted was to break up. You were his rock and always there to listen to him at 2am.

“I only love you y/n really, I don’t care what my mum says.” He would get kinda frustrated that this wasn’t getting through.

So he goes to touch your face but he reaches too quickly and you flinch and clench your eyes before opening at the feeling of your soft fingertips grazing your chin.

“Why did you do that” he would be shaking.

“I don’t know your hand moved too fast.”

“Are you scared of me?” And this would be so upsetting but you had to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault. He would be more of a mess than you and you would need to comfort him instead.

Park Jisung

You and jisung, like some of the others don’t fight much. But something about him really bothered you lately. When he was alone with you he was a clingy, like a koala bear always touching you. But when you went to a restaurant with the boys he would not touch you or talk to you for long periods of time. So when you touched his hand or attempted to feed him, he would tell you to stop rather loudly in front of the boys. Embarrassed, you retract and don’t attempt anymore clingy actions.

So you confront him about this but he gets snapping and wants to end the conversation. But when you continue to push the subject he gets really angry.

“It’s not that serious. I really don’t understand why you are pushing this y/n are you trying to be difficult?” You reach for him but he slaps your hand away and now you’re frozen.

“I already told you I love you and I show you that in our free time, it’s just I don’t want to be teased.” And now he is walking towards you. Jisung is tall so he looks quite intimidating from your perspective, especially how you’re now holding your hand in shock.

“How dumb can you be huh?” He continues as you lower your head and start to hug yourself in defence. Your cowering form would be surprising to Jisung.

“What are you doing” but when he sees you crying he would panic and not know how to calm you down. He would give you some space and call him taeyong to ask for advice because he realises he scared you but he didn’t know what to do. It really didn’t hit him until Taeyong explained how you scary he can look to you but you would get a text from jisung to meet him at the food market and trust me he would cling onto you in public and take you to the arcade for a cute date.

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

Text

Went to bed at 12:40am after helping grandma get readjusted in the bed, and helping dad function the oxygen tank because the oxygen machine kept going out and beeping on error. I think grandma got anxious from seeing her family members come from grand rapids to visit. I know she missed them.

But man did I get tired.

I had to set an alarm for 3:45am because that's when grandma has to go potty, and I knew mom and dad needed the rest after cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and hosting for her guests.

I kept nodding off to twilight as I waited in the room for grandma to tell me when, so I could help her get up off the bed and onto potty. That wasn't until like 5am.

Glad I could get some sleep in between waiting.

I stayed in there with till 8:30, when she asked for some oatmeal to eat. I think she's having hunger pains, but can't really eat the stuff down as much. We puree mostly everything in the food processor for her. She only ate like a couple spoonfuls. She said her right side started hurting from not eating as much, but we can't make her eat, but there also seems to be a lack of appetite in grandma's mind. I think she's been feeling very tired too, especially after the family visit last night.

This is the first time I heard her fuss today. I cleaned the bucket after she threw up in it and said "Don't use so much Lysol to clean with. I can smell it." I didn't take it personally because I didn't use lysol to clean the bucket, I used Fabuloso and alcohol because we didn't have much cleaner in the bathroom I cleaned it in. Daddy reminded her that I was just trying to clean the bucket out.

She said "I know, just don't use so much."

This was right before she said she feels like she needs some more oxygen, so maybe her not breathing as well and smelling that cleaner made her nose upset.

I've dealt with Grandma and her complaints before, so I'm pretty sure I'm not expecting a happy camper about all this. Im just so glad its not just me to take care of her. So we'll all be making a team effort to help her as she goes along. The social worker, the nurse, and a chaplin is supposed to come from Hospice in the next couple of days. So we'll see how it goes. Its not like the disney movies where the person is happy and being nice to everybody and then suddenly passes.

I think this will be a gradual, slow, but hopefully peaceful passing for her. I know I'm stressed out, but I feel like how I used to be at work. Hopefully we don't get into any arguments and just let her talk if she starts commenting on us not doing something right or if she starts forgetting stuff and then she says that one liner "you calling me a liar?" cause I know what that means when she says that line.

I pray she doesn't go flip mode and the kids don't have to deal with seeing any blood. I'd rather have me and my parents handle that, because we can handle that maturely without feeling that grossed out feeling and wait to hold our comments until after the tasks are finished.

My baby sister, I would be worried to find out she or one of the others were to find her.....like that in the morning.

Because we don't know the timeline and we're not at a hospital. This is real life. Grandma actually came all the way here with my parents to Flint, to come live with us until she passed. And its still just shocking to me. We're putting in our best effort together so this woman we've known for years can have a peaceful going, under the roof and care of her loved ones. We love her and we do care about her. I'm just not gonna expect this to be easy, keep my head up, stay positive, and try to keep my emotions out of it like I do at work. Keeping my emotions off, helps the day seem fast and the work gets done quicker and more efficiently. We're gonna work hard for Grandma and I hope my little sisters can cooperate and not be as selfish and sometimes unhelpful like usual. We have to share our time more and that means less sleep, but I'm glad we're not alone.

I'm glad its not just me, stuck at her house in Grand Rapids again like it was the 1st time and 2nd time I had to help her out at the house.

The 2nd time was the worse, because she was sick, assuming it was maybe covid or a virus, the flu or something else like a cold because of the mucus. And she hadn't been to the hospital in years. The insurance company sent a doctor to check up on her in March and when he just touched that one oldddd surgery spot that she had been talking about for years....it was near the liver and the pancreas. And thats where they said the cancer was, this whole entire time.

I wonder how or when did it start growing? And how long had she known she was gonna die? Even when I stayed with her this year she would say "Just in case something happens to me" or "I'm rotting away." and the pads she would wear in her underwear because she said something kept leaking every so often and she been stopped getting periods because they took her uterus out decades ago.

It's like crazy and mind bottling, because I wanna know why, when, where, and how. I want answers. I want somebody to be able to tell me this is what caused it and am I at risk for something similar either just naturally or just from getting surgeries from doctors who didn't listen to her or tell her what was truly going on...its like nobody knew, but her and God. And she felt everything in her body. Everything. She knew which types of food would hurt her stomach or not, which natural vitamins to help with her pain every so often. I can't even deny that this entire time she's been telling me these stories, moments, and memories all over and over again for one reason and one reason only. So not only she could remember, but also for us to know why she's been feeling in pain for so many years.

She's been duct taping her body like a car for so many years with vitamins for this and hard lemonades to help her get through each day, but she never not once wanted to go to the doctors, the people that she didn't trust for years and held a grudge over it, she knew exactly what injuries and everything that led up to her feeling the stings in her feet, her big toe, her back, her stomach, her side, her lungs, and her chest. She had everything covered like a math equation.

And she's very frugal, did not want no expensive medical bills cause she already felt like a burden to us, even when she came into the house and she saw how much storage stuff we had to clear out of that blue room, she told Daddy she didn't wanna be a burden.

But we gotta take care of you Grandma. Cause we love you and your son, your daughter in law, and your grand babies are gonna help carry you on your way. I don't care if you want ice cream in the middle of the night, I will go get it. I know momma and daddy don't want me to overwork myself, but why do I feel that thing where the mother can't stay away from its child? I don't wanna miss her going, and not have said goodbye and I love you. Thats it, just final words.

Cause that's how you do closure, I wanna know were you in peace when it happened and could I have done anything to help you feel better towards the end. Cause I know what it feels like to not have closure from somebody, I had to do it all by myself and I still feel ungrateful and absent about it. Because nobody talked to me, they just left me hanging.

And I'd be damn if I missed my Grandma before she passed. Her birthday is August 22nd. I know its unlikely to ask for, but can I see her on Christmas? At least? After everything we've went through, her chewing my food up for me when I was little. All the stories she remembered about me eating peaches, chicken, and spaghetti. And how she cooked it with corn flakes so it had the crispiest crunch. And how much I used to ask her to replay Barney when dad would drop me, she said I'd say "Again, Again!" and whoever was there said something about it...

Why do I feel like because we've been so busy helping and working, now is not the time to mourn?

She's still here, but I can still hear her singing our jazzy bathtub song.

"Singing in the bath tubbb,

A doobee-doobee doo

Singing in the bath tubbb

A doobee-doobee doo"

I still remember the note and everything and me giggling and smiling, laughing and singing with her.

Grandma used to sing and listen to music all the time. She showed me a few more songs before we got into it about the hamster.

Honestly, I'm not even mad about all that anymore, I just want her feeling at home and happy with us.

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minjoonalist · 5 years

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Predilection | Chapter Four

Pairing : Jikook x Reader [Feat. Taehyung]

Words: 1.7k

Genre: Angst, eventual Smut, fluff

Warnings : explicit wording

Description: you want him, he wants you, but he also wants him, and him wants you- but him hurt you. So You hate him.

+++++

In the middle of a much needed relaxing bath, The sound of the apartment’s front door opening and slamming shut could be heard from the master bathroom. It's been a stressful and yet long day for Jimin, so He didn't bother to peek outside of his view when the presence of his highly flustered and confused boyfriend appears In its doorway. Unknown to him, jungkook walks straight in and takes a moment to stare at the content boy before beginning to strip off his clothing.

A slight shuffle is momentarily heard and jimin whines softly after being lifted forward to make room for him. “Jungkook? What are you doing?” he asks just wanting to be left completely alone. The hot water shifts between the two as jungkook’s hard chest comes into contact with his back and the usually silent male doesn't say a thing, Only wrapping his muscular arms around jimin’s waist to pull him back further.

Dammit...he curses inside his head, unable to resist the light urge of titillation that makes him shiver whenever jungkook touches him. giving in, Jimin then sighs contently and after what seems like 10 blissful minutes of the unexpected, silent embrace “Kookie?” He calls out rather softly.

“...Yeah? ” The boy answers a bit hesitant.

“ what has you so worked up?” Jimin’s eyes slowly flutter open, lazily watching as jungkook’s toes fidget under the water next to his. Even better, because the male’s head laid comfortably onto the other’s chest. He could hear the alarmingly fast pace of Jungkook’s beating heart.

“I'm not worked up. Im relaxed.” Jungkook swallows, now trying to will his body into not being so tense. Jimin then chuckles at him “ sure if relaxed means nervous”. He then moves, his head lifting up so that he could turn to look his boyfriend in his face. Once he does, Jungkook’s eyes switch away immediately, focusing fondly on the small mole that sits at the bottom of jimin’s neck. The smiling boy then slowly pouts at him.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't do anything.” Jungkook says once he notices the change of atmosphere and the way that his boyfriend kept his piercing eyes on him. Jimin however did not appreciate how defensive his boyfriend had suddenly become. He was acting completely out of his character…

“I...didn't say you did…” he says slowly after staring at him for a moment. He then pulls back a bit “Kookie we don't hide secrets from each other right?- I mean, at least that's what I thought before I found out about your previous situation with y/n…” jimin then mumbles and the sound of uncertain disappointment tugs heavily at jungkook’s heart. The boy only then finally bringing his hurt soaked eyes to meet the other’s.

He didn't trust him…Jimin doesn't believe in his word anymore.

“ Jimin-”

“ No... no, Its okay” the silver haired boy quickly interrupts jungkook with a fake giggle, making him snap his mouth shut immediately. Jimin then takes a deep breath, thinking carefully about what to say next.

“ I know I’m just overreacting…” he whispers silently, so low he wished jungkook never heard him say it. Of course, that wasn't the case.

“Its just- y/n, she’s beautiful y’know? and I can't believe I never noticed her back then, and with you?... I feel so guilty, I hurt her before I even knew her.” jimin pauses, staring into space. “You know...I tried to approach her in the library today? And when she didn't notice- I chickened out and pretty much ran away” he confesses bitterly with a scoff, a pitiful feeling settling within his weak stomach. He could remember this exact emotion when he turned away from you earlier, feeling defeated at the thought that you really might not want anything to do with him.

When the hell did the tables turn?

Jungkook could only sit and watch as jimin tries to pull himself together and suddenly stand up from their bath. Inside his mind , he continued to scold himself. Angry at how much of a terrible choice he made years ago, was somehow able to cause such a huge shift within his current relationship.

If you were angry that I kept you from y/n , could you forgive me for indulging in her?

….

a long excruciating silence.

While your feet patted constantly against the hard floors of taehyung’s dorm, he on the other hand sat still as stone on top of his bed. Your arms perched upon your chest, as a hand pulled constantly at your now swollen lips and On your hundredth turn back towards your best friend’s direction. Only then do you find yourself growing tired of his lack of words.

Your eyes suddenly move to him. “So?”

The gesture snaps him from out of his silent thoughts. Taehyung’s arm tightens slightly around the soft pillow, holding it closer towards his chest and he pushes up the square rimmed glasses on his tired face.

“right…” he starts, coming back into reality “ and you’re sure you werent dreaming this? because you know you tend to fall asleep while studying a lot.” He questions rhetorically while squinting his eyes, making you pause in the middle of your pacing. This wasn't the time to be making jokes, and yet you weren't surprised by your best friend’s lack of concentration.

“I think I can tell the difference between reality and being asleep Tae…we were not in some crazy dream.” you frown impatiently, just wanting any kind of help for your current problem. You then try to take in a deep breath, your hands shaking and stomach squeezing itself together at the thought of what had happened earlier. screw your life... What the hell was Jeon thinking , suddenly kissing you in the middle of the library like that?

But more importantly, why do you keep thinking about it?

“well at least you can do that! I can barely tell if seeing two of you is normal...” he starts to grumble under his breath, creating a small pout while rolling his eyes in sleepy irritation. Once again showing you how lightly he was taking all of this.

“ ugh Taehyung!” You suddenly whine out his name before stomping your foot like a child. This makes the man hold up his hands in surrender, not realizing how aggravated you really were becoming. “Alright, alright! ” your best friend exclaims suddenly, interrupting your mini tantrum. He chuckles slightly, watching how your face screws and unscrews from it’s adorable pout- sometimes you really seemed like his cute little sister. your red puffy cheeks and lost puppy eyes. his brow then lifts...Honestly, he wouldn't think passed it if that same cute expression, was the reason that snake suddenly couldn't deny his obvious attraction towards you.

The thought suddenly has the boy glaring... “ y/n, I'm just trying to understand this. Ever since I first met you, you’ve hated Jungkook with a burning passion and now you’re telling me you kissed him-”

“Woah!...Emo boy kissed me , I did not kiss him.” you correct tae immediately, offended that he would even assume you made the first move in the first place. Hell if that weren't insulting enough, then it was definitely the skeptical look he gives you in return to your claim.

The gesture then makes you roll your eyes while letting out a deep sigh. “I didn't kiss him…” you practically plead, the soft words accompanying your tiny voice.

“I believe you.” He nods and you sag in relief.

That being said, While his voice was sincere, the way Taehyung had begun to walk circles around you, told you that you wouldn't be so at ease with where he was leading this conversation.

“Did you kiss him back?” Tae stops, turning towards you.

And you’re not, you’re completely uncomfortable.

“Pardon?” You swallow visibly.

Tae tilts his head while narrowing his eyes, he then crosses his arms together. “did you...kiss him...back?” He repeats the question a bit slower, leaving no possibility for you to not understand what exactly it was that he was asking you. For some reason it catches you completely off guard and Your stomach squeezes itself in even further at the highly fresh memory.

It probably took way longer than normal for your body to realize what was happening at that moment. Your heart had jumped entirely into your stomach and On the table below you, your hands quivered in shock. With your eyes wide open, you stared up into jungkook’s face. Your cheeks flushed, breathing uneven, and an unwilling sigh of pleasure is let loose when...his incredibly soft lips begins to mold cautiously against yours.

Within a matter of seconds, you had gone from screaming out your anger towards him, to the boy himself suddenly stepping around the table to come a bit closer. His tongue then running across your lips , somehow managing to pry it’s way pass your weak attempt to prevent it. Your mind then goes blank With a huge pull of arousal and you allow your eyes slowly slide shut as he dominantly takes your mouth for his.

“Mmm” in moment of carelessness, jungkook hums out his satisfaction of something he’d dreamed of doing many times and as much as you hate to admit it, it sounds pretty damn good. It could've been the drought of sexual activity in your life or simply that you've never experienced anything like this… but you couldn't remember the last time anyone has ever kissed you with so much passion and hunger. But then again, no guy was just as selfish and greedy like jungkook…-wait.

Jungkook??...Jeon Jungkook is kissing you and you’re kissing him back?...oh no.

Immediately your eyes snap open and you abruptly pull away from the unsuspecting boy. Jungkook could barely blink. The dazed raven following your quick movements with his eyes and not long to follow, the harsh sound of your hand connecting with his face could he be heard throughout the entire library. Jungkook’s head violently snaps to the side and as if to process what exactly had just happened he stays that way for a few seconds. Meanwhile all you could do was sputter a handful tasteful curses before somehow grabbing all of your things and dashing down the library’s isles.

Blinking away the scene that played in your head, you find yourself crashing back down into a harsh reality. The realization hitting you like a cold wave, that you in-fact kissed your sworn enemy back. While standing eerily quiet before your best friend, taehyung shifts his head just a bit lower to catch your reaction. His awaiting stare turning into one of surprise once you give him his long overdue answer.

“Of course not” you lied.

+++

Chapter Four | Next Chapter | Masterlist

Taglist: @rkivemagic @peterrogers15 @sessi03 @brokencrownqueen @cainami

#bts #bangtan #jimin #jungkook #bts au #bts scenerio #bts imagine #bts smut #kpop fic #kpop au #kpop scenarios #kpop #jikook x reader #jikook #taehyung #predilection

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dumb-naive-bitch · 4 years

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I'm kind of really glad that nobody reads this page of mine anymore, so then I can vent to myself about how I'm truly feeling at this moment, and put it into words without being judged or told to stop complaining.

I know 2020 has been rough for a lot of people, but its extra hard on us who thought every other year was rough to begin with. Im sick of waking up every day knowing I have to go through the same fucking motions over and over and feeling like my life is going nowhere and yet I'm just getting older, fatter, uglier, etc. Its depressing on top of my depression. It doesn't matter if you have a decent job in this day and age because you still won't be able to afford shit. You won't be able to live in a house or apartment by yourself unless you want to be mortgage/rent poor. Im going to school and I dont even fucking want to because what's the point? If you don't have a doctorate, you once again wont be able to afford shit even after you have a degree. Im over 70 thousand in student loan debt and I have absolutely nothing to show for it, with roughly 30 to 40 thousand more to go to get a basic degree that will probably increase my current pay by 5 dollars an hour maximum. How fucking exciting and motivating is that? Like what is the point of living if you can't afford to do anything or have anything despite working hard for years and years? I'm honestly so over this fucking mundane every day bullshit that has no purpose because why even bother staying alive to not be happy? I dont know what is more annoying then people saying "money can't buy you happiness" because I would slap the fuck out of that person right now. Money would keep me from wondering if I'm going to be able to pay my car payment, or the 10 credit cards I racked up because buying small things like clothes/shoes is one of the only things that makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to. Other than that, I have my dogs which I would die for, but honestly that causes me more stress and anxiety than I ever care to admit.

Its exhausting feeling trapped in a mind full of stress and worry and no light at the end of the tunnel because no circumstance in my life can ever change drastically enough to erase the despair that has become my reality. Ten plus years of major depressive disorder and anxiety with no relief because of once again not being able to afford the proper resources to get better, well that just sounds like a full circle, never-ending fuck of a life doesn't it? People out there who have it good just say shit like "start over," "find what you like to do," "get a different job," like how does any of that sound possible when you have no money to do any of those things? I'm so tired of everything being hard for me. Every fucking thing in my life is hard, yet other people get everything handed to them. Why? Do I want everything handed to me, fuck no. I rarely take help when offered because I'm not a charity case. I want my hard work to pay off, but you cannot get ahead in a society such as ours because everything costs so fucking much that you have to pick and choose between necessities. So basically, as a lower-middle class citizen its impossible for me to be happy and also live within my means, and in SC I make more than double minimum wage. How the hell to people who only make that afford to live? Or have anything nice? They will never be able to be independent, because affording housing for yourself with that salary is damn near impossible.

This short release of emotions I had planned in my head turned into a much longer bitchfest then I intended, but its just hard to go to bed every night knowing I'm still going to be me when I wake up. I truly cannot do it anymore. Im also so sick of worrying about how others will feel if I just die. They never say "I understand it must be hard for you to have to live like this every day, so I respect your decision because it is your life." Nope, they say shit like "just think how I would feel, or how so and so would feel if you were gone." Like why am I the selfish one in this situation? Because I don't want this life for myself? So fucking sorry your lives are so fucking great that you couldn't possibly see this through my eyes. No amount of telling someone how you feel is going to change how bad they truly want to hear it. Sick of trying to explain my feelings to people who don't really care to hear it, and definitely not understand it. Probably why I need a therapist. Oh wait, can't afford one so I will continue to suffer within my own thoughts and feelings.

They wonder why suicide is so fucking common among young people. Like do you see what we have to deal with? Besides the topics I mentioned previously, what about constantly seeing celebrities flash their endless shiny and fancy shit all over social media and the instgram models making you hate your fucking self for wanting to eat. Don't follow them? It doesn't matter if you do or don't because you will see it in ads or on one of your friend's pages anyway. You basically need to live off grid, grow your own food, live in a cabin in the woods without any form of media or form of entertainment whatsoever to rid that shit of your life. I also do not want that, so here I am yet again stuck again. Pitty me, pitty me hey? I dont have it that bad people will say. I have somewhere to live, a car, a job, blah blah blah. Like they know a single fuck about what races through my head all day every day. The stress, the feeling of failure, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of whats going on behind my back in my relationship, the feeling of why don't I have the motivation to do my school work, or finish the 5 projects I started, or go for a walk or run, or workout, or eat better, or want to do anything other than sit on my fucking couch and watch TV while my brain continues to race subcontiously, or why the fuck I cant just be happy? It's because not everyone is satisfied with the "simpler things in life." I want to be able to have options in my life. Like if I see something I want thats going to make me happy, I want to be able to buy it. I want to be able to go and travel to do it. I want to be able to relax and not have to worry if I buy or do that thing am I going to be able to pay my bills or buy food. Its debilitating for me. I am controlled by this disease that never lets my mind rest or be happy. Life is simply not worth living if it has to be this hard every day with no sign of a possibility to be better because of the circumstances I have been exposed to. You can't change certain things no matter what and those are things that im not willing to live with anymore. Im suffering and thats not what I want for myself. I want it gone, and for me I only have one option and I'm okay with it. I've been okay with it for over a decade now and that's never going to change. Period.

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ssweeneys · 5 years

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i’m having a REALLY bad day

or really past couple of weeks where work is concerned and i just wanna vent bc you know sometimes people out there in the working world understand ya know???

its long, beware. idek if i’ll keep this up its more so for me to just let it out.

so like i’m an office admin for a company (we’ll leave it nameless for protection purposes) and like i supervise receptionists for my office so i’m kinda an office manager but not technically? if that makes sense.

anyway. people these days just don’t want to fucking work like EVER and like to start jobs and then up and vanish to collect that unemployment which to me is really just dumb since there are rules to it in every state and nine times out of ten you’re making like 60% of what your normal paycheck would be and thats surely not enough to live on, so like ??? i don’t get it.

there’s been a constant rotation of receptionists come and go over the last couple of months and two girls who work for me have stepped in on numerous occasions. one lady is in her 60s and doesn’t know anything about computers and is kind of dense?? to say the least. nothing against old ladies. i actually find a majority of them cute or hilarious bc they say what they think and dont give a f*ck who it offends and sometimes that blunt honesty is refreshing and you just need it in a world where people bullshit you 24/7 to further themselves for selfish gain and yaddy yada

anyways.. over recent weeks she’s become more and more intolerable to deal with. i ask her to do things and she gives me attitude and its like the simplest of things.. like email this person, make sure you let this person know they got a package, etc, etc. she can’t do even the most basic of tasks without screwing up. her attitude is just atrocious.

and due to people coming and going i’ve had to alter our schedule a lot. recently, one girl requested off so i adjusted the older lady’s hours (lets call her--carla) mind you carla only works 1 day a week and i’ve been super generous in giving her the entire week of christmas off so -- yeah.

anyways the girl who requested off (we’ll call her nicole) told me she didnt need those days off anymore and so i fixed the schedule one more time to her original days/hours.

now, i print off the schedule every time a change is made and whoever is at the reception desk i tell them to let the other girls know and post it right by the computer they sit at every day so theres no excuse for anyone to say i didnt make them aware. well carla is not the brightest bulb as we already established and she doesnt pay attention so we pretty much have to coddle her apparently and make sure she understands (although its pointless bc she doesnt no matter how hard you try to explain something to her) ANYWAYS she comes in on nicoles day when she wasnt supposed to anymore bc the schedule was fixed, posted, etc. and she gets mad when i ask her why shes there. and yes, i understand that the rotation has fucked us all over and up in so many ways. she is not the only victim here. this has been stressing me out left and right and to no end for MONTHSSSSS. so like i get it? i’m sympathetic to that. i understand the confusion and frustration, i’m right there with them.

HOWEVER, because she’s annoyed/mad/whatever she gives me attitude all day yesterday and is flagrantly disrespectful. i’m her supervisor, regardless is someone upsets you, act professional.

but she doesn’t. we know that. or at least I DO. anyhow.. she’s mad. she’s pissed off right? she’s got an attitude. she sees the new schedule, she brings it to me in my office and asks if its the correct one for tomorrow WHICH SHE IS ON!!! let me make that clear. she was on. she asks if its correct, i’m in the middle of composing an email so i take a moment to respond ‘yes’ she huffs, storms off and goes “you know what? nevermind” i’m like.... okay?? i brush it off. i’ve been brushing off her poor attitude all damn day and i dont say A THING. BC I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. IM SYMPATHETIC TO THAT. we all have bad days. we all get a little frustrated sometimes. we’re human, yeah?

yeah. right. ok.

so then like... carla is working the morning shift for nicole. both carla and nicole showed up. carla pitched a fit bc she came in and was already there and didnt want to go home so nicole was so sweet about it and said thats okay, she can work i understand. bc even though nicole is like half her age, she’s MATURE.

at this point i dont even understand why carla is so upset? she got to stay. she got the hours. she’ll be making the money. all is good right? WRONG.

when the next girl comes in for the afternoon shift, i over hear carla telling her about the mishap that happened that morning (yesterday) and my office is literally maybe 6-7 feet from the front desk so i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on. i mean this is my job. i’m pretty much in charge of making sure the office is running, our employees are happy, etc.

so yeah i over hear carla telling this girl that and i quote “yeah nicole came in this morning and the schedule was switched around and i stayed because i was already here. (then something unintelligible I cant make out bc her voice lowers) you know, it really pisses me off that this keeps happening.”

SHE SAID THIS. TO A NEW GIRL. MAKING ME, NICOLE, EVERYONE LOOK BAD EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED, NICOLE APOLOGIZED, I APOLOGIZED FOR THE MISHAP, IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR THIS LADY TO PACIFY HER OR WORK WITH HER OR COMPENSATE HER.

so its so infuriating, disrespectful and really downright disgusting for her to trash me, my name, etc to someone. but you know what? I DONT SAY ANYTHING. I dont cause a scene. I go about my business and let it roll off my shoulders bc at this point I know if I say anything its just going to turn ugly and I’m in a professional setting. Sometimes its better to bite your tongue, hold your head up high and move the fuck on about your business.

NOW... oh now, we’re on today. carla is scheduled to work. she came into my office, confirmed it, she was FULLY AWARE OF THIS.

so nicole calls her 5 mins before shes scheduled to clock in and is politely like hey you on your way? and carla is like oh no i don’t work today.

BITCH! THE FUcK YOU MEAN????? WE CONFIRMED THIS LITERALLY!!!!!!!!

omg i cannot at this point i really cannot

but lets proceed... so carla. she’s like yeah i dont come in, tells nicole to check with me. nicole comes to me, i smh and just sigh and am like ok i’m sorry can you please call her back and tell her shes supposed to be here and if theres any issues, transfer the call to me. so nicole calls her, they’re talking, carla is being a cunt (sorry at this point you are) and so i talk to her and shes like you know, this is so frustrating i came in there i asked you if i was supposed to work and you said no (the other girl she trash talked to idk who to name her) and IM LIKE SITTING THERE GOING ????? WHEN????? TO MYSELF BC WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION

MY PATIENCE IS SO THIN, ITS NON EXISTENT AT THIS POINT IM OVER IT

IM TIRED

IM SO FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF HAVING TO PICK UP THE SLACK AND DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF BC NO ONE CAN COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND GO HOME.

can i just make a point too that we make $12 an hour here. sometimes we are LITERALLY SO BORED we have nothing to do. we can read books or watch netflix if no one is around or i even have time to rp at times. so like THIS IS THE EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD A FUCKING MONKEY could do it.

all you do is answer phones and transfer calls or send an email

its LITERALLY. THAT. FUCKING. SIMPLE????

so like i just dont get it

but back to the point... carla is arguing with me, basically saying my communication sucks, i’m unprofessional (which is laughable but ok) etc...

and i just cant hold it in anymore?? and i’m like well carla, i’m sorry you feel that way and i understand where you’re coming from but i don’t appreciate that you were disrespectful yesterday, you told (new girl) that you were pissed off about what happened and proceeded to talk about me in a really unsatisfactory way.

and she WANTED TO TRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS A DEFAMATION TO HER CHARACTER. WHEN SHE FUCKING SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i mean you can’t but if you were to ask anyone i know i have freakishly good hearing and it gets on my family’s nerves all the time bc i need quiet when writing and i have to beg them to turn their tvs down low just so i can concentrate.

I FUcKIng HEARD THESE EXACT WORDS COME OUT OF HER MOUTH!!!! and she wants to sit here and say that i’m defaming her character.

NO BITCH. Im repeating what I fucking heard you say!!!

why would i make that up? why??? how does that benefit me in any way??? what does that do for me???? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i’m not benefitting from anything here.

in addition when talking to her on the phone i bring up the fact that she brought the schedule to me (the correct one which SHE IS ON) and asked me to verify if it was correct. but then proceeds to say in the same breath (contradicting herself) that she’s going off the old one????? like okay????? but you’re wrong?? SHE EVEN SAYS ITS AN OVERSIGHT ON HER CHARACTER, SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS YADDY YADA, SHE CANT COME IN TODAY

moral of the story is... she’s dumb. she’s a fucking cunt. and i hate people who try to spin things and victim blame and tell you you’re defaming their character when you call them out on something real they actually said because they’re scared little pussies and can’t just admit its what they fucking said.

yo i’d have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it. i’m not even mad??? i dont give a fuck what you think or feel about me. when i leave here every day i dont come home and cry about work or how people feel about me there.

work me is different from real me. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. work people do not know me on a real level only a professional one. i am here to do a job, to make money, to pay bills, to LIVE. i am not here to fret over the opinions of people who do not follow me home, who do not know the real me. WHO. DO. NOT. FUCKING. MATTER.

POINT FUCKING BLANK.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

like seriously?? GOD FUCK! i’m so angry.

if you read all of this, like thanks for letting me vent to a total stranger lmao you’re a real one, may you be blessed today and always.

onto that note... i gotta get back to work. (lmfao fucking irony at its finest)

#im not even gonna read over this #its raw #its real #what the fuck ever

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tsuuyuri · 5 years

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tw for suicide, death, eating disorders, fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, anxiety, depression, bullying, etc. just don’t read if you aren’t in a good place.

i swear to god.

any knetizen (because yes, this is a specifically a knet problem) that sits back after sulli’s death and acts like they didnt treat her like a piece of meat to buy and sell and eat and spit out and call too fat and too skinny and so selfish and so ugly and so “out of line” like she was some evil snake when she was always just a girl being herself, expressing herself, being different from the “traditional ideal korean woman”, struggling with mental illness and eating disorders in an industry that is stressful and unhealthy and cruel and with “fans” who are absolutely nobody in comparison to who she was that sit in their homes and talk trash about her body, her “attitude”, her sex life, and whatever else on the internet for fun.

i am sick and tired of people making excuses for korean misogyny and toxic beauty standards because “oh it’s a different culture”, whatever! a culture that promotes sink or swim standards in its education system and requires everyone gets plastic surgery no matter what in order to be considered worth anything needs to fucking change! it’s killing people and it’s been killing people for a long time! south korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. koreans and honestly everyone need to wake up and stop acting like this is just “crazy celebrities” because it’s not. they’re just the ones we all hear about. you don’t hear about the teenager 5 blocks down who committed suicide last week after being bullied for being gay. you don’t hear about the student that committed suicide last month because they aren’t an academic person and their parents called them stupid and punished them for not having top grades. we don’t hear about them because they aren’t famous. but we need to look at these famous people who we think have everything that makes life worth living, commit suicide and understand how much that shit probably happens with just regular ole people. for every celebrity who kills themselves, there’s 10 more non-celebrities.

every time someone innocent commits suicide, it’s murder. it’s murder by society. it’s murder by people who tear them apart until they can’t be sewn back together again and then wonder how it could happen.

sulli was anorexic. being anorexic is so, so fucking painful and hard and awful and it’s so much deeper than just being “pretty”. sometimes it’s needing to feel like you have something in your life under control. sometimes it’s wanting to be smaller so maybe people can’t see you anymore because you were abused. sometimes it’s just wanting to die slowly. i went to an inpatient ward 3 times by the time i turned 18 and had tubes shoved down my nose and throat because i just couldn’t eat a thing without panicking and feeling guilty. the anxiety and depression after i got out each time was so crippling that i couldn’t leave my house. i can’t even imagine getting on stage and performing in that state like people criticized sulli for not doing. “oh she’s lazy, she’s selfish, she’s not taking it seriously, she’s just acting like a princess!” she’s a young girl who was having panic attacks, being told her body type isn’t right to be an idol, who was depressed, who wasn’t sleeping enough hours. she was sick. and you made her even more sick. who the hell would want to perform for people who don’t appreciate it? negative words outweigh positive ones. netizens know that. be honest with yourself. they thought it was fun to poke at someone. they felt good talking bad about someone. they thought it was “okay” because she’s a celebrity and apparently when you sign a contract in the kpop industry, your humanity dies and nobody has to think about how their words and actions make you feel anymore.

women in kpop are attacked all the fucking time for doing normal things.

i looked at pictures of sulli when she looked her healthiest and i thought she was beautiful. koreans called her flat, flabby, said she had cankles, thick legs, called her fucking sulliphant. i looked at pictures of sulli when she was so thin she should’ve been in a hospital like i had been and i was scared for her but her smile was still beautiful. koreans criticized her for “getting shots and liposuction, oh it’s not natural, the bruises aren’t pretty” or praised her for finally not being “ugly” and having a pretty bodyline, having skinny legs, and for finally discovering the “true wealth of a woman is her looks” and the worst part, some still called her sulliphant and fat and ugly when she was easily under 100 lbs. it’s just unfair. it’s so unfair and horrible and it happens every day, to every female idol, some less and some more, and it happens to every single woman and even men now in some places.

and now, im sitting here sobbing, not just because i regret not being a bigger support when sulli needed that even though it’s not my fault i wasn’t as aware of kpop, but also because i know if i were a kpop idol while going through depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, paranoia, and anorexia nervosa... i would be dead. i would have been dead years ago. i would be just like sulli. bullied to death by her own mind and by people who think you are their doll to throw around.

no one should have to “stay strong” through comments like that. not a celebrity, not anyone. no one.

korean beauty standards need an overhaul. i have had enough. anorexic isn’t beautiful. it’s painful. it should not be a singer’s job to be nice to look at in a very particular and unnatural way that only 10% of people are born looking like.

sulli having a boyfriend got koreans so fucking angry, calling her unprofessional, a cock-sucking whore, a slut, whatever other disgusting words you can think of, but men were just as quick to ogle her and take photos up her skirt for their own enjoyment because “oh well she’s an idol, that’s what she’s there for”. women were jealous of sulli for having access to handsome and rich men they wouldn’t because she’s an idol and they’re not, so they shamed her for it. men weren’t mad about sulli having a sex life, they were mad about sulli having a sex life that didn’t involve her fucking them, so they shamed her for it. sulli was just being a person. but being a person isn’t congruent with being an idol, for some reason.

sulli spiraled into reckless behavior and they blamed her for that too when they drove her to it.

“she’s a celebrity, it’s what she signed up for.”

no. she didn’t. she signed up to sing, dance, and make people happy. she didn’t sign up for people to tear her apart.

his case is significantly different, but it’s a part of an epidemic all the same, so i’ll mention him once and not again: jonghyun didn’t pass away just for south korea to learn nothing about ignoring and shaming mental illness and torment another already tortured idol into leaving too.

this isn’t simple cause and effect, this is prolonged bullying and attacking someone, beating them again and again until they can’t stand up again. this isn’t an isolated issue. it’s years of criticizing, terrorizing, dehumanizing, ignoring, and taking for granted, that leads to one very horrible, very permanent, very quick outcome.

so yeah. any knet who says “rest in peace sulli” needs to rethink if they really deserve to be saying that. if you ever called this poor girl names, criticized her body as not “aesthetically pleasing”, shamed her for being in a relationship and having sex as a grown woman, sexualized her regularly, exploited her, and/or contributed at all to her feeling this horrifically bad about herself to the point she felt alienated from everyone and like she couldn’t continue living... you don’t get to grieve. you get to feel guilty. you get to feel horrible about what you said and did to this woman who was only human, and who was ostracized for being herself and for appearing strong until she couldn’t anymore.

sulli, you are not a bad person. you are an angel now and forever. i wish we had done better for you. rest in peace, sweet girl, and know i will always think of you. you will never be just a memory. you are alive through those who truly love you and know you.

and if you or anyone you know is struggling with bullying, depression, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, etc., as always, please reach out and get the help you deserve. support is a phone call away. you never walk alone. even if it’s a complete stranger, there are people who want to help and who want you to live on. i want you to live on. i want us all to fight these demons and to work toward a better future. it is possible. we can and must do better. we can and must love ourselves and each other.

be kind, take care, ask for help, give help.

celebrity, non-celebrity, women, men, children, black, white, asian, latinx, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, non-binary, cishet, disabled, able-bodied, neuroatypical, neurotypical, etc. we are all human.

#long post #tw #negative #sulli #f(x)#choi jinri #feminism #delete later?#anyone that has a problem with my opinions here. just dont mssg me. dont respond. i dont want to hear it #i am allowed to be angry and upset that the same preventable shit is still happening because of a toxic society that ignores its toxicity #even as it kills #also YES my feminism includes transwomen and transwomen absolutely experience misogyny because the probably isnt biology #its femininity (which is genderless) being perceived as weakness and laughable

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nctrenjunie · 5 years

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and about your friends,, even if it’s a long story, i’m here to hear you always 💕✨ —🍩

Okeyy this is very long but hear is the story:

So I had this friend/Best friend I will call her Sunny okey. So Sunny & I know each other 6 years now. In primary school I was more of a loner and she was one of the more popular kids but every time her “Best friends” hurt her I comforted her. So then after both of us entered the 7th grade we weren´t in the same class but we became really good friends/ Best friends since we had the same interest (Except Kpop - she hated it) & same humor. So the last years we were the best of the best friends & it was all perfect despite some normal problems but we never fought. It started last year in September when both of us didn´t really have enough time to meet up that we drifted a little apart but everything was still okey.

Okey so my school is a bilingual school, means that we have groups/classes that have all lessons only in our mother tongue (German) but their is also the bilingual part were the classes have half of their lessons in spanish. Me & Sunny are on the bilingual parte so when we end the High school we will have two diplomas the german and the spanish one.

So Sunny started to hang out more with some people from the non bilingual part & there wasn´t any problems I also have some friends that are in other classes but at some point Sunny started to ignore me. So we just started to ignore each other & that´s why I wrote a letter for her birthday that we should start to talk again. It ended up in her ignoring it. So the atmosphere was really tense & some other friends talked to her. Then she came to me one day and told me she thought I didn´t like her anymore since we didn´t talk. We both apologized to each other without any sense & everything was “Okey” but it wasn´t.

It started to get really hard for me. I´m one of the top students so I had a lot of stress with school & we didn´t really talk even though we apologized to each other. So I started to ask her if she has time, if we can do something together, how she´s doing and if everything is alright. She told me we can do something in the vacations since she is busy and I totally understood. Then she told me in the vacations her grandma from Mexico is here & she can´t meet up. I know her parents so I understood the situation. But it´s really hard to ask her if she has time, than she says now bcs of her grandma but on her Instagram story I see how she´s ice skating with other Friends. I felt so dumb from feeling hurt by this since this is so inmature but it feels so bad. We started to ignore each other again and again and I always forced myself to try to save this friendship but it was so hard since literally nothing came from her. UHHHH fuck I´m literally crying right now.

It´s just so hard beside of school. It just really hurts that I tried so hard to stay friends with her & to see that she didn´t even give a fuck about it. And I couldn´t even say how bad I felt. I´m always the happy one, the funny one who hypes everyone. But I´m so shy in reallife and it was just so not me to cry so I just acted like everything was alright and that it didn´t bother me.

I just got so tired of always being the one who gives her best to make everything work out but nobody else cares. Until a friend of mine told her she should talk to me. Obviously she came after some time, telling me that it was hard for her and she tried to distant herself from everyone obviously not everyone. So we talked and talked and then everything was okey again, besides no it wasn´t. We met up the weekend after this and it seemed so nice to talk again to her, we catched up I told her everything and wtf now she likes kpop, I thought wtf. After years of making fun of it she is the biggest kpop fan. Obviously only BTS is Kpop for her.

Okey now it´s getting fucked up. I have a girl in my class, lets call her Maddy. So Maddy didn´t really feel well since start of the new year and the Monday after I talked to Sunny she told me she wanted to talk to me. Maddy told me she´s pregnant. Fuck yeah more problems! The good thing is her parents support her & she thought about abortion but she looked at the pros and cons and now she´s going to keep it. So the father, lest call him Mike is super duper dumb. He started to ignore her and whilst they were still together he started to fuck with an 8th grader. A FUCKING 8TH GRADER. Also his parents told Maddy if she doesn´t abort they won´t support her. So Maddy was really hurt she wanted to stay together with him but it obviously didn´t work out so at some point she finally put everything together and broke up with him. There is much more drama of this but I wont explain all of this it´s just too much.

OKEY. So me & Sunny and some other friends knew about Maddys pregnancy. Maddy told us that she still needs some time before she tells it to our class and that´s obvious. One day two boys from my class, only I & Sunny have contact to them from those who knew about Maddys pregnancy came to me and told me that they know that Maddy is pregnant.

UHHH THIS IS SO DUMB. Literally the only person who was able to tell them was Sunny. It´s not only the fact that she told them about it, its also that she took Maddy the chance away to prepare for the whole class and school to know that she´s pregnant. Sunny took Maddy the chance away to tell everyone what´s happening when she´s ready.

So I went to her. And I tried so hard not to cry. I told Sunny. Please. Please just to save our friendship don´t lie to me. Don´t lie to me and tell me if you told them or if you didn´t. I won´t be angry but just please be honest.

She said she didn´t. Obviously. She asked me why I´m thinking this and I just told her I don´t know but I just wanted to ask her why she´s lying right into my face. Sunny told me she´s gonna talk to them so they won´t tell anyone else and a friend of mine heard her talking to one of them in the corridors. She yelled at him, asked him why he told me that he knew. It was so horrible, I started to cry silently in art class as she came back into class and she told me its okey. It wasn´t her and I can think what I want to.

I felt so fucking weak for not telling her that its her fault. So I just nodded and told her it´s okey. The next day a friend from the non bilingual part told me that a friend of Sunny told her that Maddy is pregnant. I just couldn´t understand. She is the only one who could have told her since nobody else except of her talks to this girl and why do you tell this someone who didn´t even talk once to Maddy. We went out in the last class, making photos in special art class and since I had the class with her I asked her if we could talk for a short moment.

I was so sick of everything. I´m always so good with friends but I can be very cold so I just asked her why she told it this one girl. She looked at me confused and I told her I´m tired of her lying to me. She started to cry asking me why I thought so about her. At some point she just walked away, crying. AND OBVIOUSLY EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT. Everyone asked her, omg why are you crying, Sera about what did you talk. I´m always the bad one at the end just because once in my life I tell her how I fucking feel about her. THATS SO HILARIOUS. I try to solve this, I have so much stress and then I do even more jut to save our memories. And she did nothing, like I wouldn´t get hurt by this just because I don´t like to cry in front of everyone.

So, we started to ignore each other again. And the last week before our vacations I told her I want to talk to her after the class. I always think everything through but this was so spontaneously, I was shocked at myself for asking her. So after class we stood in the school corridor. School already ended for me but she still had one hour.

I have this habit to bite on my lip when I´m nervous and I started to bleed a little because I tried so hard not to cry. I finally started to talk. I asked her if it still makes sense to her. Our friendship. Because I feel so hurt fighting for this. I´m the only one trying, the only one who´s really hurt and I just can´t anymore. I started to cry so hard. Some other friends were there and they got really shocked since they´ve never seen me cry. Well, I told her that its just really hard and that literally nothing comes from her and that it´s okey. People drift apart I just never thought it would happen to each other. I told her that I don´t even know anymore if I´m fighting for her and our friendship or just because of our memories since we´ve been together through so much. At some point it was so hard to talk. I just cried so hard, and my under lip bled so much. I asked her if it wouldn´t be better if we stop being friends because its only hurting me and I don´t want to be selfish but I just can´t anymore. I don´t know why I thought she would say something like no. Im so naive. She just apologized silently. And I stopped talking. I wanted to scream at her, telling her that it´s all her fault and that she hurt me so bad. I wanted her to feel as bad as I did. But I didn´t. I felt so bad for thinking about hurting her. She just told me she has to go to her last class and I told her yeah I have to get going too. I just felt horrible but good because I finally didn´t have to worry about it. I got fast out of school, crying. A friend called me, asking me if everything is okey. I told her that I´m feeling better, I really did. She told me Sunny ran up to the bathroom and locked herself up crying. Well, I don´t even know what to do know.

I think its so funny that I´m so strong but then I´m so weak crying over something like this. I feel better now. It´s just hard. I met up with some friends in the park in the vacations and she was also there but just for a short minute before going away with some friends of her “because she didn´t feel well”. Turns out they just sat away just to not sit with us but texted one of my good friends she should come to them. THIS IS SO INMATURE. I extra told my friend no I don´t care if she´s with us. I´m okey now and it´s not like I hate her or anything. But then she acts like she doesn´t feel good just to go. UHHH THIS IS SO STUPID. I shouldn´t even care about this.

Well I´m doing good now. It´s just a lot but I´m feeling way better now. I forgot to ask you how your exam went

#🍩 anon

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