#im so so so ill about this. positively unwell.

[istherewifiinhell]

I hope to be able to communicate. An emotional vibe

[Mirage 28, Story: Stephen Murphy, Pencils, Inks and Letters: Jim Lawson (as far as i can tell and so says the wiki). 1 page each by Eastman and Rich Veitch, not included]

[The style for this issue has a softer painterly look to the duoshade. All panels are horizontal across the width of the page.]

[ID from alt: Two panels, Leo leaning over to look at Raph, who's in profile and glaring slightly downwards. He asks "Care to talk about it?". Close on Raph's face, still not looking at Leo, he says "No." END ID]

ID from alt: 3 Panels. Casey leans over, gripping bridge trusses on either side of himself, asks "Hey bro', What's going down?" Raph's feet dangling over the edge of the bridge, its shadow cast on the water below. Raph says "The River... I suppose..." Close on Casey as he looks down skeptically "Um, Yeah. -- Hey, talk to me Raph. Really talk to me."

ID from alt: Three panels. Raph in profile, gazes down somberly, he says "Can't. You wouldn't understand. You're... You're human. You can't possible understand. Wide to all three of them, Casey has shuffled closer, one hand still on the truss. He says "Say what? I'm what? You can kiss off, Pal." Leo on the other side leans back a bit. "The what about me Raph? Why won't you tell me?". Close on Raph, annoyed now. "You're crowding me Leo, you're both crowding me. -- Don't crowd me." END

^gets sick every time i look at this one (HIGHEST OF COMPLIMENT)

ID from alt: Two panels. Close on April's hand. Holding a small turtle in its shell. Caption box "No... not this time, baby." Raph in the foreground, still upset. April and the other turtles sit along the bridge, all apart from Raph. April still holding the turtle, looks over to him. Caption box "When the hell will he simply accept all that's happened to him?" END

Second caption box references April's line in the 3 issue Raph got de-mutated arc. Which he spent the most time being looked after by her.

ID from alt: Two panels. Raph sitting with his back to his brothers, looking down and upset again. Wider shot shows everyone on a raft, the other turtles sitting and Casey pushing raft along at one end, Raph facing the rear, tense, observing the water. April sits between them, not facing either direction, observing Raph. END

ID from alt: Two panels, nighttime. The group sits around a camp fire, Casey standing to tell a story "-Like so much red white and blue Alpo. See, man, there was this..." Raph stands facing into the dark. Caption box: Raphael stood apart from the rest of us..." Wide of the landscape, moon reflecting on water, surrounded by trees and distant mountains. Caption box: "... And stared intently across the moonlit water." END

ID from alt: April and Raph trying to move an unconscious being, mostly humanoid with amphibious features, their three bodies lit against complete blackness. Raph holds her under the shoulders and says "You take her feet, I'll get her head." April kneels to hold her ankles and says "Thanks, Raph." END

ID from alt: Intricately detailed depiction of one of the aquatic beings while still in the egg, curled with its still developing limbs and large eyes. Caption boxes: I am conceived anew -- And as I grow -- I watch my people wither. END

ID from alt: Wide scene lit by the camp fire. April kneels with the beings head in her lap. Four more of the species approach her and the body. Casey stands back closer to the fire, and the turtles, even further back, towards the shore line. Caption box: They've lost her. END

ID from alt: 1. Two panels. Caption box: ... The only four of their species.... The turtles stand in line, Don, Mike, Leo and Raph, looking over the water, and the four remaining beings heads sink below the water. Caption box. "... just like-" The beings completely unseen now. Raph turns his head, looks behind them.

2. Two panels. Dramatic close up on Raph, looking back. The hint of pupil in the normally white eyes adds to the expressions intensity. Close on April meeting his gaze. Eyes wide with shock. She says a quite "-Omigod". END

ah. i was just gonna tag rant about this its getting way too long. oop

As i said earlier. this was ANOTHER ISSUE that was adapted into 03 during the Leo angst era. so they swapped Raph for Leo.

(NOT MAD ABT IT. i could go on a very long talk abt raph leo interchangeability and every time they've done that in adaptation, and why so many of the raph leo conflicts are about them being so so similar.

and how they are the person the other gets/gets them. and loss of that understanding due to separation or injury causes the blow ups.)

ANYWAY

03 didnt have the events that happened to raph that are referenced here anyway. those being. Raph almost being killed in a drive to solo kill the shredder (which... Leo Does btw) but more importantly admitting to Leo that he feels he has no control, that he cant think through his emotions.

And, again as mentioned, the de-mutation. It took him from weakened, to childlike, too deteriorating illness, until he's a particularly emotive large turtle, and then even less so to a normal smaller and smaller one. And this was caused by a very powerful being that thought he'd be happier that way, after feeling all the guys bask in the water, and be in awe of real baby turtles.

So these are the things he can't talk to Leo or Casey about. And this comic issue is one thats in the mode of "something written by april" like journal entries. And it wouldnt be clear cause i removed the CONTEXT lol. but that is her seeing a vision, from this dying being, of her [the being's] life and history, and its like. not pretty! not good things happening to the extincting amphibious humanoids.

So the lack of control, emotional and LITERAL, over his fate, his body, his being his mind? The things he cant tell his human best friend or his leader and brother. She goes through something impossible, she has no control, she fails at saving this being. And she sees it. And they see each other. And their is not a fix it at the end of that. She doesn't tell anyone else why she gets spooked. Everyone is just standing around each other in the moment, where its all not okay.

#some shit #turbles... #im so so so ill about this. positively unwell. #stephen muphy of the puma blues huh. you dont fucking say (<- extremely poetic indie com about humanity and enviroment) #was trying to let it speak for itself but yes also btw. the fish ppl. yeah listen. #DO YOU SEE. do you see. just motif. he looks to the water and she looks to him. HE LOOKS BACK? #i mean. and not to be biblical or greek classical or honestly. vonnegut-ian? but the way he turns around. to look at her. and how that is #often a thing that seals ppls fates. but it doesnt change his fate. its her. knowing it. in that moment. #it just lights my blood on fire and makes me so so so naw she ous. nauscious. nauseous. #LOVE. when i have to exit the tags for smth to long and. BRO. my syntax. my registre. it gets all different. literalllllly can not help it. #well. enjoy. i said more than i even meant and i meant to say a fair bit. #23-27 are for real for real. the weird comics deserts. there so left field and. need to be chewed on but not really always in a good way. #(i mean non as bad as... 18? the msg one.) so i was taking my tales of break and then. BOOM. this shit. ARGHHHHHH #wifi blogs mirage

[readymades2002]

im just like spongebob (employee of the month)

#trying to make a positive out of this <3 (guy who is handling this genuinely insanely and i mean that in the truest sense of the word) #i dont want it i keep telling people that and they keep reacting like im unwell or like its coming from a place of insecurity </3 #i know what im capable of at my job! i dont need that validated! i do not care that much about my work unfortunately! #maybe ill be proud of it one day but as it is this feels like a fluke of offering to help the right people and pity #bc it IS a popularity contest and i dont want to win that. to be honest i dont know these people well and they do NOT know me #getting it just feels like a testament to how im killing myself for a job i hate because im too cowardly to leave #or to even just care a little less. ive tried to explain this to a few people and it has gone over like a sack full of concrete #which is even WORSE because i KNOW how intensely some of them want employee of the month and i was trying to #avoid telling them about it at all because i dont want it!!! they can have it!!! they dont need to hear what i feel about it (insulted) #because you would not believe this but telling someone who desperately wants employee of the month #that you don't want to receive it because it feels like a slap in the face does NOT GET RECEIVED WELL!!!!! #i dont wanna manage other peoples feelings about it im having enough trouble managing my own!! #i had to get called to a team huddle and lose time i couldnt afford to lose in my department that is still drowning incidentally #to be put on the spot and congratulated by people who dont know me and were confused by how miserable i looked #it was like a fucking nightmare!! i had to run out back and scream for a bit and cried so hard i strained my back #could barely stand for the rest of the day not that it mattered because i had no choice if i didnt want to completely fall behind #employee of the month. fuck. i never wanted to be recognized in the first place but if it feels like this then why would i want it!!!!

[inkskinned]

im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like .... #tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON. #yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!! #their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!! #like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!! #aND THEY ARE!!! #something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

[literalite]

literally just me talking about edit stuff because im in a mood

these r what i would call like my base level of ingame edits (i dont reallyyyyyy count my cas screenshots as edits unless i spend an actual amount of time actually working on them rather than my usual blur+chromatic aberration+sharpen combo) theres usually very little? or like no actual basis in the characters "canon" or lore like its just done to make them look nice. right. or like its fun lighting practise for me really. theyre usually pretty simple in execution like in the two examples there its just plain yellow background for sunny and the neon cross for vin so i have to put a little extra oomf into it because the backgrounds are like not super detailed so theres less of an "interest" factor from that so the sims themselves have to look REALLY good to make up for it. the ones i end up happy with though usually look really dynamic so it balances out

so these are more sort of abstract edits to me bc they have a basis in the oc lore or themes or whatever and most of my ocs have at least one or two visual markers (in the examples lucari or even just ari specifically gets a fair amount of celestial/sky imagery, i handled the colours here a bit sloppily but its meant to be blue and purple which are ari and luca's text colours, heiya's emphasis being on her muscles and scars and the clouded solar eclipse, redacted gets a lot of water/reflective surfaces/birds/rainbow flares?? and also lightning but that isnt being used in this specific one and sunny gets a fair amount of fire/smoke stuff as well as emphasis on primary colours like his more blue toned edits r usually in his darker stages of his life while warmer yellows means more positive stuff, red usually is just for uhhh violence oriented stuff) and like none of these are Actually happening. right. redacted isnt actually ever in that position with that era of hair in the water with the birds and sunny was set on fire at 13 not as an adult and they certainly never had a portrait of his family like that. but its symbolic, it means Something even if you as the viewer doesnt know it yet 😅 or ever aha

OKAY LOL I PRESSED POST BY ACCIDENT LOL but these are my full lore edits or something likr theyre totally rooted in the background of the ocs. like these are scenes from their lives for real. obviously i fiddle with lighting angle composition a tinyyyy bit to make for a more pleasing or dynamic image at the end but if my ocs all got dedicated like. movies or shows these would be ripped straight from the scene. i take creative liberties with some stuff but in essence these could be story posts (like the 3rd example with idris/redacted is literally in the story itself in one of the posts) the difference is usually amount of images in the post and orientation of said image/s. to me an edit stops being an edit when it has more than likeeeeee 4 images and then i will usually keep that bulk all in landscape or maybe one as portrait for emphasis. edits will be 4 or less and mostly in portrait because i want the less images to take up more room on the dash. the backgrounds for these will usually be way more complex like ill build a mini set or use existing sets for each one. i just think that ingame edits have a lot more capability than you might think (u dont have to go into blender for every little thing promise 🙌🏼) its just like. u can do a lot with this game i swearrrrrr just treat it like an art medium. im serious

ALSO the song almost always is sooo relevant to the edit i swear its not enough to sound good. i have to be unwell about it as well and it has to make sense with what im showing u

ok thats my random unrequested ted talk for the day im going to go home now bye thank u for reading if u did that 😁

#seph.txt #dances about in a circle this is more than pretty sims on a pretty background. to me. ok #EDIT: i hit post before i finished talking about my final set of edit categorization oops aha

[apollotronica]

hey whos ur favorite oc of yours rn

OH MY GOD okay so i split my ocs into categories so im gonna pick one from each

HUGE RAMBLE UNDER CUT ALSO SOME OF THE ART HAS BLOOD / IMPLIED VIOLENCE !!!

FOR MY MAGICAL GIRLS my fav is probably berry because i based her off of me and shes grown and changed with me and i know im the one writing her but she literally makes me so unwell . i wont go into Too much detail but shes a psychopath that meets people that arent scared of her and dont judge her for something she cant help :]

here she is! lovely lady :]

DANGAN OCS im stuck between 3 of them . theres buwan (ult oneirologist) kieryuu (ult actor) and teqora (ult street performer)

BUWAN WAS ONE OF MY FIRST DANGAN OCS !!! i love him dearly . his backstory is kinda annoying me so i havent done anything w him in a while but i still love him. hes autistic schizophrenic and has chronic fatigue!!!

here he is! the eepy eeper !!!

IVE TALKED ABOUT KIERYUU BEFORE hes so fucking embarrassing its so funny . he thrives off of positive attention which directors and interviewers r more than happy to give him but everyone else he ahs to talk to hates him . he could bag so many bitches because hes beautiful but the two people he wants carnally hate him w every fiber of their being .

hes so pathetic sopping wet himedere core. kill

TEQORA !!!! pronounced tek-KOH-rah (they also go by q-te!! pronounce like cutie :3) their backstory is actually so so fucked up like i could list like 10 trigger warnings . anyway they looks like theyd listen to some soft shit but No dadaroma is the band i associate w them . THEYRE SO SILLY !!! (NOT REALLY) theyre semiverbal when not performing

the silly :)

AS FOR GENERAL OCS !!! hrm . either cross or kioshi... i cant talk about cross publicly (his entire existence is a trigger warning i literallyb made him to vent out intrusive thoughts) but ill post art of him anyway

so incredibly unwell. ignore the blonde he means nothing right now

ANYWAY KIOSHI IS JUST A SILLY BUNNY RABBIT DETECTIVE !! theyre so autistic . their gf belongs to @toastmaloats !!! theyre also part cat so they have some carnivorous tendencies along w the bunny rabbit stuff :] i love them.

them :3

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DM ME ABOUT THEIR BACKSTORIES OR ANY OTHER OCS I HAVE !!! BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT !!!!

#☆ apollo answers #artpollo #berry mirau #buwan parungao #kieryuu hinagiku #teqora sanshi #cross #kioshi noir #ocs #apollos ocs

[thatgirlwhokeepsreading]

[I am fine I am just saving people who don't want to see my covid venting]

Listen, for complete transparency I am behind on my covid boosters + still way more lax about masking than I should be, but I do have my reusable N95 + N99 masks that I wear everywhere bar my desk at work, students' houses*, or at home. We got the HEPA filters running 24/7 at home**. I STAY HOME WHEN IM SICK. I also remain very boring and masking in public aside I also really don't go to places where I'll be around strangers bar attending theatre (which is my JOB).

I am primarily concerned about covid, but to avoid people feeling the need to grill me I will sometimes swerve to say that my PhD advisor has bad lungs + is immunocompromised and so I'm actually not able to see her if I have ANY respiratory infection (which is also true). But also people look™️ at me in public and will sometimes directly challenge my masking, and sometimes (especially in theatre settings) I will get really pissed by this and actually grow a spine about it and talk about how not only are people dying and being disabled but also the theatre industry in Australia COLLAPSED and in order to keep my Fucking Job I NEED us to make it safe to gather in person. (Also I'm working in disabled theatre rn so... y'know... let's not kill our fellow artists y'all!!)

So this established, yesterday was the second time in less than three months that my brother's gf has come over while symptomatically sick. Last time she was fucken putting her toothbrush touching mine and everything so both myself and my brother got sick. I haven't been sick since early 2021, I suspect largely because I mask (which rocks imo), but then she comes over for a visit without telling my brother or anyone else she's unwell bc she's turned a negative RAT (it was negative RAT tests from all involved the whole illness so inshallah not covid).

That time she knew she was sick sick, and so even though she says yesterday she thought it was just hayfever that honestly doesn't win her much credit with me bc it clearly doesn't actually matter to her. And now she has turned a positive RAT and I am just apoplectic with rage. (My brother is also pretty fucken put out because she is apparently consistently not telling him if she's ill before they meet up, including when he goes over to hers.)

I am angry enough that I am waiting until I'm calmer to make it an official call, but honestly I am considering just banning her from our house. Ma'am you work in allied health what's not fucking clicking???

Like she's very apologetic and I appreciate that and MAYBE I'd be a bit more forgiving (given her symptoms were pretty mild and she does have my sympathy about trying to differentiate hayfever and illness) if I hadn't already been made "week in bed" sick by her THIS SAME FUCKEN RESEARCH QUARTER.

I also know that I'm extra mad bc at the moment she's acting as a symbol for my brain of all the people who should know better but don't even try, for the government policy that is going to kill the presence of the artform I love in this country and also like.... SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE. Like she did not individually do that. But what she has done is at best risked and at worst transmitted this fucking virus to me and my housemates, after ALREADY making 2/3 of us sick less than 90 days ago, and I'm angry I'm so so so angry.

*this is probably the really risky choice

**which has also done wonders for the asthma so that's a nice bonus

#it me #delete later #maybe?? #if i cool down and think this is cringe idk #I'll put the tag so I can at least find it

[tenteen]

hi beautiful. what are your buffy opinions. lay 'em all on me

Riley sucks i hope they kill him horribly . i hated him the second he showed up i knewwww it was going to be a romance i hated watching. elaboration: hes like if they made everything about Bangel uninteresting and (as far as i am) have not at all examined any power dynamics between the two, and i feel like if they do they will find a way to position Buffy over him since they love to connect them on the monster hunting front but since shes the mystical slayer she has some kind of power over Riley. I can see it now. Also he treats her like 11 treats clara with the whole obsessing over her being enigmatic or whatever and i hate him

i used to be a Xander hater but hes grown on me a lot but he still can be so sucks sometimes and also it gets annoying when all Joss does is use him for a mouthpiece for his jokes. I understand hes a self insert but it makes it even more annoying

I wish we knew anything about Olivia its cool to see her in the show and its not like. super important but if shes going to keep showing up in Giles’ life i want to know about her !!

I’m all for gay willow im ready for it but the way they made Oz leave the show was so OOC and i loved him and willow together and honestly? Wild At Heart wasnt a terrible episode i enjoyed it even and from my understanding Seth Green had a movie he wanted to be in so he was written out. well :p he did not deserve that

I have not watched any Angel yet and I really miss cordelia… badly

willow buffy should be end game. to me. thank you and goodnight

s3 was probably my favorite so far the mayor plotline was legitimately so good and fascinating. ok ill stop ramblint bc i cant think of anything else ive been thinking abt super hard. Im so excited to see more of Tara and still being grateful i know fuck all about this show. Hush was episode of all time. also BEER BAD IS NOT THAT BAD OF AN EPISODE I HAD FUN WATCHING IT IT WAS SO SILLY.

also it was criminal how short lived some of the best characters are. Faith Oz Drusilla …… And Angel i get he got his whole own show but I really just enjoyed seeing him in Buffy sometimes 😭 Do not talk to me abt S3’s ending or Amends or The Prom or any of that bc … I went insane for so many reasons and Bangel made me genuinely unwell

ok now i’ll tell u my fave characters (in order) and finish this post . thank u for asking feel feel to rip me apart in my replies and pls dont spoil me for anything !!

Willow

Buffy

Giles

Spike

Drusilla

Oz

Faith

Cordelia

Angel

Harmony

Xander

if u read all of this bless u

[stormyoceans]

it's severely missing vice versa hours (as always) so, let's go with your top picks for puen's best looks?

CASSI I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU FOR ASKING ME THIS BUT ALSO THAT YOU MADE ME GO THROUGH 15 DIFFERENT LIFE CRISIS AND DEVELOP 8 NEW MENTAL ILLNESSES IN THE SPAN OF 3 DAYS TRYING TO ANSWER THIS. also im ONLY NOW realizing, as im posting this, that you didn’t actually ask me my top 10, but just my TOP. FULL STOP. so i could have picked 3 or 5 and reply way sooner……… maybe it’s me. i am the problem. IM SO SORRY BUT STILL. HERE WE GO

1. the wedding outfit in episode 4. I LOVE WHEN PUEN WEARS ANY KIND OF SHADE FROM PINK TO RED SO THIS IS LITERALLY MY DREAM OUTFIT FOR HIM. he looks positively radiant in it and idk if you can see it, but when i was taking that full body screenshot i realized that the white pants are slightly see-through and i think i momentarily blacked out for a minute or 10 or 10000. ALSO DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH HE COULD WEAR THIS FOR HIS OWN WEDDING WITH TALAY IT’S LITERALLY PERFECT CAN THEY JUST RECREAT IT INTO THEIR UNIVERSE TOO IM BEGGING.

2. the interview look in episode 12. I ACTUALLY CAN'T WRITE DOWN HALF OF THE THINGS IM THINKING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THERE ARE MINORS ON THIS SITE so im just gonna say that the all black suit + the styled hair was a truly inspired combination and it's unfair that talay didn't get to witness all of this in person.

3. the suspenders look in episode 1. I SIMPLY THINK THAT [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] THOSE HIPS DON'T LIE.

4. the ombre(?) jacket outfit in episode 12. puen really showed up in front of god and the cameras to announce his undying love for talay wearing the skinniest pair of jeans known to man then powerwalked to talay’s house to win his mom over and i simply think that’s very sexy of him. also making puen wear blue, which is talay’s color, during this scene was such a big brain move, though the real pièce de résistance, the jewel in the crown, the cherry on top of an already delicious cake is THAT JACKET. the costume designer of the show truly said ‘if he’s not ouselling outserving outslaying while getting his man then i ain’t doing my job right’ and by god they delivered. 

5. the first glasshouse outfit in episode 4. this is my favorite kind of casual wear for puen: dark jacket, dark jeans, neutral boots, and the shirt giving a pop of color to the entire outfit, especially if that color is red. he looks SOOOOO GOOD in red. at one point puen also drives tun’s bike in this outfit and when they get to the glasshouse there’s a brief moment where you can see he’s about to take off his gloves which im pretty sure awakened something in me because i’ve been feeling unwell ever since (screenshot not included for the faint of heart and to preserve my sanity) [mostly for my sanity]  

6. the beach outfit in episode 9. LISTEN i know it's a very simple look, but i LOVE when puen wears button-up shirts with nothing else underneath. it's also giving so much mr darcy walking through the moors with his tits out to go tell elizabeth that she bewitched him body and soul and that he loves he loves he loves her and wishes from this day forth never to be parted from her in the 2005 pride and prejudice movie adaptation. LIKE SORRY BUT I LITERALLY SEE NO DIFFERENCE.

7. the marriage proposal suit in episode 12. SOMETHING SOMETHING THE WAY PUEN’S COLOR PALETTE IS MADE OUT OF A LOT OF DARK NEUTRALS BUT THEY DECIDED TO DRESS HIM ENTIRELY IN LIGHT ONES WHEN HE PROPOSES TO TALAY. i’d say im reading too much into it except NOTHING IS CASUAL IN THIS SHOW. also his tiddies look great in that white undershirt and i just really like this suit, which is kinda surprising considering that i do prefer him in darker shades.

8. the “pink theory” outfit in episode 10. OF COURSE i had to include one of the iconic sleeveless shirt looks and OF COURSE i had to go with the pink one. he wears quite a few in the alternate universe and i was very torn between this and the black one in the glasshouse at the end of episode 4, but in the end i just love him in this salmon color way too much and………………….. [loses tracks of what she’s saying because ARMS]

9. the “tonight let’s go head over heels for each other” outfit in episode 12. you know how some people end up letting themselves go after entering a relationship? yeah, that’s not puen. you’d think he would chill out a little after finally getting with talay but NO!!!!! HE SAID TITS OUT FOR THE BOYFRIEND ALWAYS!!!!! TITS OUT FOR THE BOYFRIEND NOW MORE THAN EVER!!!!! and you know what? i respect his horny ass so much for it.

10. the bathroom outfit (bucket hat on exclusively) in episode 1. ranked at the bottom because im actually not too fond of that jacket and it probably wouldn't have made it in my top 10 by itself HOWEVER!!!!! this outfit without the bucket hat? simply a lesser version of the interview suit in episode 12. this outfit WITH the bucket hat? BRILLIANT INCREDIBLE AMAZING SHOWSTOPPING SPECTACULAR NEVER THE SAME TOTALLY UNIQUE COMPLETELY NOT EVER DONE BEFORE. honestly no one should be able to look that good wearing a bucket hat THAT'S SIMPLY TOO MUCH POWER.

#posting this from the grave in the backyard i just dug up for myself #i cannot believe i got so excited about this i was SO CONVINCED you said top 10 and then proceeded to lost 3 days of sanity over it #why am i - as a person - so fucking stupid #well. hope at least this can manage to get a smile out of you!!!! #maybe let me know if you agree? disagree? have other picks? #thank you again for asking cassi!!!! #sending you a hug 💜💜💜 #vice versa #puen pranon #jimmy jitaraphol #m: ask #usercassi

[disastersteps]

💐 for Anita of course!

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

OHHHH oh boy uhhhh. On their own? Anita would complains, and try to keep going despite feeling unwell. they're very stubborn about it!

but... honestly? they would try to get better after a lot of conniving from Rat King, yes, the girls Worry so much for Neets that yeahh fine, i will try to at least get better-

In a happy ending au aka post reveal and everything, i think anita will try to brush ortega off going 'im fine jules, you dont need to keep worrying! i- i will be in the bed- oh my GOD, no really, i will NOT go anywhere, you idiot!'

they're very embarrassing at the idea of being dotted on but ortega doesn't care and will show so much care its making antia cry inside (in a 'oh god she cares' positive way smdgsmdg)

...as for anita being good at taking care-- well, since they cook, they will make sick soups, as long as they ask what sort of soup the sick person wants, and. they're not quite good at taking care of others but they try their best, especially they would drop by to remind them with 'please take the meds' very stubbornly, and would buy medicine if needed... sometimes they try not to worry too much and knew that person would get better in time quietly to themself!

send me soft oc asks and i will ramble about anita!

#sidestep: anita lee #lori answers

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[toontowncreepypasta]

Miles Upshur headcanons because ive been real autistic since outlast went on sale on the switch

heres just a huge dump of all my miles headcanons and interpretations im sorry it’s so fucking much ive been obsessed with this fag since i was like 13

 I think Miles grew up pretty poor, his father in the military and his mother was a stay at home mom who struggled with drug addiction. he had four other sisters with him being the oldest. He ended up raising most of them, the third sister being nonverbal autistic. He was responsible at home but not really anywhere else. He also didn’t get along with his mom very well. He left the house the moment he turned 18 and didn’t look back. He’s transmasc and gay, i can’t see him being into women im sorry. hes like the only horror protagonist i can think og that isnt like oh my gof.ds...... oh my god boobs....

I think a lot of Miles very strong core values come from how he was raised and that mostly pushed him into journalism and needing to shine a light on things. i also think he was in a band when he was in highschool, and still plays guitar pretty frequently (or well, heh, did when he had his fingers.) i also think he sold his adderal and any other meds he was put on all through out highschool and college and got in trouble for it a couple times. He was one of those shitty highschool kids who were like way too smart for their own good so they spent all of their time trying to break every rule they could.

Miles and Lynn Langermann became extremely close in college, and Miles and Blake also dated in college for like two months before that imploded on itself and they never spoke to eachother again.

He’s an aries, he has ADHD and c-PTSD (and you know, now regular PTSD) and is a HORRIBLE chain smoker like it’s really fucking bad. he’s jewish. He is EXTREMELY drawn to anything dangerous or mysterious like it’s a problem he has almost no survival instincts. He is an animal to his own emotions and desires and it’s a problem, if he gets scared of something he chases after it, he doesn’t back down, he’s insanely stubborn, he’s quick to anger. But I will say he is pretty good about assessing situations, he’s lived off blind luck his entire life because he is GOOD at what he does. he always acts like he knows what he’s doing and shit usually ends up in his favor so it’s hard not to believe him.  He is unaware of how mentally unwell he is, mostly because he has a habit of repressing pretty much anything traumatic that happens to him. Puts it in a little vault and keeps trudging on.

He’s anti authority and has a hard time taking orders or directions, even just from people he loves/respects. He resents any kind of restraint put on him. Miles biggest fear is death, him dying, specifically. He is scared to die before he’s ready. His second biggest fear is being forgotten/ignored. He’s somewhat of an attention whore, negative, positive, he likes to act out or preform or be wild and “out there” and have everyones eyes on him. he wants to be THE guy. no matter what hes doing he’s doing it with a hypothetical audience. That’s specifically something he struggles to drop at any time, its hard for him to be intimate with people or slow down because of it. he isn’t a narcissist though, it isn’t to an extreme extent. it’s just enough to be noticable in times of crisis. Despite all of these, Miles biggest and most dominante traits are his empathy, passion and his fixation on justice. he’s a good person all around, even if he’s a bit of trouble. he rarely if ever has ill intents to anyone who isn’t a dangerous person, and even then, he can find himself sympathizing and understanding almost anyone if given enough time.

he’s pretty fashionable but... doesn’t utilize it what so ever. he dresses like a very stereotypical binary trans masc, with a bit of occasional gothic/southern flair. he’s no stranger to eyeliner. before his transition he was very similar but in a “feminized” way, think those white southern punk girls with the chunky blonde/black streaks and bedazzled black ripped tanktops and flannels. He just went from one end of the spectrum to the other.

#miles upshur #this is so much and its so rambly excuse me

[peppertaemint]

Apparently there's some bts enlistment video coming out soon, and of course armys are bringing up taemin's own personal struggles again, and not only them, non shawols spreading misinformation about what he went through, like, it was bad enough, people don't need to embellish to make it sound worse. And honestly, worst of all, even worse than armys using him as some kind of example for why bts should be exempt, I've seen people using his experience as a joke.

I'm so angry i dont even know if im writing coherent sentences. Why can't people just leave him alone? Every other day if it's not people using his struggles and misrepresenting them, it's fandoms with a one sided beef trying shit on him.

This enlistment period has honestly been the worst and I should have known Taemin's would be, but just how much worse it's been???? Wtf.

I understand your anger, Anon. It's gross behavior to say the least. But I think at this point we're lucky to have news that TM is doing well. As Key said on their anniversary, he's able to do some things without anxiety. How cool is that?

Does it make me livid to see people using his "story" to make irrelevant points about people who are not in the same position as him? Yes, of course. And anyone embellishing (honestly some of the rumors are heinous and unfounded, smh) publicly for the sake of their "favs" is soulless.

His enlistment period has felt hard, and that is because it became obvious in a way it wasn't before that he was unwell. People do need to stop making his situation about them because it's really not; it's singular.

Do army think all of BTS have undisclosed conditions? If they're still using him for weird clout-y debate points, then they haven't thought through the implications of what they're saying. And anyone making a joke of it is, of course, heartless. The problem that will continue is that what I just wrote will fade into the background and people will focus on the narrative that enlistment made him ill. That is a false narrative... but it's difficult to fight misinformation because who wants to go around having these conversations, especially on Twt or whatever? Sigh.

#taemin #taemin ask #knowing he's doing better has soothed my anger tbh #before it really seemed like some army wanted to kick someone when they were down for their own benefit

[mx-t4t0]

i watched some clone wars with my parents over dinner im sorry i need to ramble about star wars for a second (im not sorry)

god the martez sisters arc in s7 is so. like. awkward in its pacing??? like it starts off good but it literally never picks up momentum. literally the same problem i had with the ahsoka show like you're just waiting for it to get started but it just refuses to. no cruising speed fuck you!! have an episode where the characters just run in a big circle!!

that being said the fucking "where did you learn to fight like that" "my older brother taught me" line got me unwell and ill and diseased so at least it was a net positive overall

#tato speaks

[our-inspire-verse]

Im like 95% positive i have EDS but its been like a week I've even been fr researching it or considering it. And its dumb to think i could just know something that big after so little, and almost no process of elimination. I just learned about it but everything i hear about it applies.

My joints especially. But things down to my skin, my muscles, my lungs. My STOMACH problems. My VEINS. Ive been describing these things for years. DECADES. Ive been in pain and hell for 2 solid entire decades and didnt know it wasnt normal til a year or 2 ago, and didnt know what was going on til now.

I think im hypermobile. I think i have EDS. I think all those days growing up and being told im overexaggerating or being overdramatic or needing to "grow up" or get over it or just deal with it

The fact that i was right the whole time. Something was WRONG. There was nothing to just get tougher about. There was no be stronger.

I knew gentleness was the answer but not like this. Ive forgiven myself in such a way i feel even guiltier for not doing it sooner.

Ive been in pain people cant even verbalize my entire life. WHILE living with trauma WHILE continuing to worsen my symptoms including being encouraged or forced to by my mom, by my family, by my school, my workplace, my "friends". I have been so lucky to find the real friends and family in my life.

It keeps growing in such shocking ways and in the most incredible of places but i did not start out that way and didnt find it for a long. LONG long time. But im the safest ive ever been. The freeest ive ever know. The most cared for ive ever felt.

I have resources. I know myself so much better now. I know who i am. And labels and words will never simplify me but i have a few descriptors i feel comfortable using

Survivor. Patient. Disabled. Chronically ill. Tender. Soft.

Its okay. Its all over. The search is done, all thats left to do is pick through the rubble and save the rest of my body. To recover what i can and support what is to come.

I can be ready. I figured it out. I can BE okay.

Im already loving my knee braces, i wanna brace my entire body. My ankles and hips and wrists and elbows. Up to my neck and shoulders if possible. Im looking at it. Im gonna go cane shopping soon. Im not ashamed to grab the word disabled and hold it with my teeth bared. Its gonna be okay but i need to accept im unwell. That is so incredibly hard bc i dont want to feel like this forever. I wanted so badly for there to be a way out but theres only a way through, forever.

Its this or nothing else. I will fight to feel okay every single day. I will be alright and i will learn and i will love myself and stop fucking hurting myself to push on. I will lash out at those who refuse to listen. I will stand my ground. I will protect my body with whatever i have to do.

#tag later #eds #system babbles

[awful-roffle-archive]

🌹🍄🍂 for callie my beloved, 🌾💐🌺 for orion and 🌳🥀💫 for trinity!!! :] <3

HELLO THIS HAS TAKEN ME. WEEKS TO DO. IM SORRY

also i am putting this under a cut bc wow long post is long

tw alcohol mention in orion's section!

Calypso 🌹 Where in the world does your OC feel most at home? Is there any reason why? If it’s not the place they were born, where were they born? Is there a certain somebody that makes them feel at home where ever they may be? What does home mean to them?

Calypso feels most at home when she thinks about her family. She has fond memories of traveling on a train and being held tight in a blanket while she lulled off into a deep sleep. She misses it. She misses her family, being held like that. The naïvety of it all. She hasn't gone on any long distance trips since she's gotten to the present - she's too afraid of everything being far too different. Everything is so different. Trinity seems to mend that feeling together. There's a semblance of warmth, of safety, around her. With how different everything feels, she feels familiar somehow - despite being new as well. By the time Orion reunites with her, her world seems to click back into place in that moment. If anyone - anything - manages to feel like a constant home to her, it's him. Home is a place where you feel safe and warm, like nothing can harm you there no matter what the world may throw at you.

🍄 What are your OCs favourite snacks? Their favourite comfort food which always cheers them up when they’re down? Favourite meal to make? Do they enjoy baking and cooking and are they any good in the kitchen?

Callie is a big fan of sweets! When she was little her mom would always make her a special batch of cookies with various nuts in it when she was feeling down. Her mom called it the 'Morgan Special' and Calypso's gotten quite good at replicating it. She sells it at her bakery, in fact! Other than making baked goods, she quite likes making soups and stews. Her favorite is peanut or groundnut soup! She wasn't very good in the kitchen upon arriving to the present, but she's very quickly learned to cook and utilize her powers involving food and ingredients.

🍂 Does your OC enjoy hugs? What do they do as a show of affection for: their friends, their family, their significant other(s) or for strangers? Over all what are they like with receiving affection from others?

Calypso loves hugs! Her primary affection IS physical, she loves giving and receiving it. She enjoys holding hands, leaning against others, hugs, cuddles, you name it. She's less inclined to touch strangers however: you never know who you're able to trust getting that close to you.

Orion 🌾 Describe your OC through the eyes of someone absolutely head-over-heels in love with them

"Oh hey, can I do this one?" Trinity pipes up as Calypso reads out the question. Callie shrugs and sits back, half propping her legs up on the coffee table.

"Oh boy. Here we go." Orion mutters to himself, already covering his face with his hands.

"He's selfless and funny and handsome and-"

"Brave. And talented. And so, so full of love." Calypso finishes Trinity's sentence for her, yanking Orion closer to plant kisses all over his face. "Even if he won't admit it."

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

Orion has a tendency to not let himself get sick with his bio-manipulation, but there have been times in the past where he still ended up bed ridden for a few days while his body healed itself after really brutal fights. He hates being forced to rest, he has things to do, he doesn't like having to just lay there and do nothing. Reversed, he's excellent at nursing others. If they should allow it and they're in a good position, he'll almost always use his powers to combat their illness or injuries. Otherwise, he'll stick by them and take care of them manually; he likes feeling useful.

🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?

In the past Orion's had a tendency to drown himself in alcohol to get over his nightmares. He convinced himself that his nightmares couldn't come back to haunt him if he forced himself to black out to the point he couldn't dream at all. Nowadays with Calypso and Trinity, they tend to treat him with cuddles and a mug of tea. He doesn't particularly have any comfort items that help with his nightmares as they're mostly PTSD induced, unfortunately.

Trinity 🌳 What is your OC’s favourite way to relax after a stressful day? Do they have a favourite book to curl up with? A hobby? Or do they have a nice bubble bath and have an early night to bed?

On her own, she tends to curl up with a book she's read dozens of times - it's a story about an adventurer getting lost in the jungle - she primarily reads it for the nostalgia aspect nowadays. A friend gave her the book in the 7th grade but she lost contact with them long ago. Then after dinner she'll take a warm bath and call it a night, typically falling asleep to some cheesy predictable romance movie. With Calypso and Orion in her life, her relaxation methods don't change all that much; she just has someone else to hold her close now should she need it.

🥀 How would your OC decorate a notebook or journal? What kind of things are written in there? Could you give an example of a nice entry?

Trinity hasn't kept a journal since she was a freshman in high school. Back in the day, though, she'd use it to keep track of her schedule primarily. It wasn't uncommon to find boxes with descriptions and notes on friends and loved ones in there either, with stick figure doodles beside their names. (And sometimes little hearts depending on her feelings towards them!) If you EVER brought up that journal and asked her about it, Trinity would (affectionately) never forgive you and run away in an instant.

The closest she has to a notebook now is the calendar app on her phone, as well as the calendar they have hanging up in the kitchen. You can still find little hearts reminiscent of her notes on her handwritten calendar entries next to things involving her fiancés.

💫 What is your favourite fact about this character and why?

I really like how close she is with her family! She's one of the only characters I have with a completely loving supportive family, and I love this for her. Despite Jameson having moved out of town for awhile, she still regularly calls him over video call, generally late at night when she gets a moment to herself.

#thank u for the ask !! im sorry this took 900 years :( #my ocs #calypso #orion #trinity #i didnt do a uh. example for trin's journal bc she doesn't Have one anymore but i hope my description works anyway KLSFHKLS

[phoneybeatlemania]

Do you think john had an eating disorder? I never know what to think but I trust your opinions

Hiya anon! Sorry I took all day answering this, I was just out with friends yesterday [NOT celebrating the queens jubilee, but by all means celebrating Prince Andrews POSITIVE covid test even if its probably a straight up lie cause convenient timing, huh. I hope he's unwell though.]

My opinion on this is that John clearly struggled with disordered eating habits throughout his lifetime—at times they were pretty bad (i.e during touring), and at other times they seemed virtually non-existent (i.e apparently he was pretty relaxed about food when he was with May Pang [disclaimer: have not read her book yet though, so Im going off of what Ive heard])—and I think both his disordered eating behaviours and mentalities were prevalent enough to constitute an eating disorder. Disordered eating and Eating Disorders are not the same thing, although I find the distinctions between the two to be somewhat trivial at times, since there is so much overlap between them; to me, the key difference between being a disordered eater and having an eating disorder is all about the mentality—i.e a person may under-eat in their day-to-day life, but they might not be struggling with anorexia as a mental illness if the ED mentality is not there. Both are still issues of their own, but different—although to reiterate, very susceptible to overlap.

I made a post on this topic awhile ago, and although I don’t think I outright disagree with anything I said in that post, I have been wanting to remake it for sometime now, because Im constantly coming across new tidbits of information that corroborate this. 

As I said in the post, I think John probably had EDNOS [or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified], sometimes called OSFED [Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders].

More below the cut!

Here’s the definition of EDNOS: 

EDNOS refers to eating disorders that display some of the characteristics of other disorders, such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, but the behaviours of which do not fit the full criteria of these conditions.

Ednos consists of cycles of restricting food, then bingeing, followed by purging after feelings of shame and guilt. An obsessive nature and over awareness is common surrounding food, weight, and calorie control, where restricting and avoiding meals is another of the many symptoms.

Someone living with Ednos may have certain rules about the types of food they can or can't eat and at what times they believe they are allowed to eat. Behaviours such as using laxatives, vomiting, or over exercising are often expressed as a way of compensating for eating. Bingeing on large quantities of food is common, followed by a period of restrictive or purging behaviours. Ednos is massively under reported in the media but makes up for a large percentage of eating disorders worldwide. (x)

First off, I just want to take a second to address the rumour that John had bulimia. Im discounting this argument from my post, simply because it lacks any evidence to corroborate it, and overall seems to me like its the product of exploitative journalists more then anything else. For example, it was alleged in the book Backstagepass VIP by Debra Sharon Davis:

‘John and I were having a heart-to-heart,’ recalled Nilsson, who died back in 1994. ‘Then all of a sudden John went off about how powerful men had ravenous appetites and wanted to swallow the world whole. And he thought that was why he had this horrible problem – being hungry all the time and overeating. 'He said he often fantasised about large quantities of “forbidden” foods. He said food was “sacred” to him and it frightened him. He saw it as “a great weakness” and he referred to it as "a lack of discipline.”’ —Harry Nilsson, The Daily Mail 2012 (x)

If there is evidence to suggest that he struggled with bulimia I would of course consider it, but reading through articles like this one, even assuming the author is being truthful, theres still nothing to suggest he had a purging disorder specifically. 

So onto the specifics of John’s eating disorder. It seems to me that John found himself in a restrict/binge cycle throughout the touring months of 1965/66, and possibly before and beyond both these years, although theres less documented evidence to suggest as such. 

Here’s some documented behaviours John had surrounding food, that are all suggestive of an eating disorder:

This article:

“John has a tendency to gain a little weight between bookings, and he goes above his natural weight of 159 pounds. Right before a tour, he’ll start doing everything he can to lose weight.”

“…while the tour is on is the best time to reduce [food intake]”

“He sticks to one meal a day—steak and a huge salad.”

“Because of his diet, John won’t look at bread. On the evening of our first night i’ll find myself ordering the sandwiches for the others and a salad for John, plus a couple a couple of meat sandwiches because I know what’s coming.”

“After about an hours drive, John begins to look at me apprehensively. He has hunger pains in his eyes! Finally when he is about to ‘break down,’ I reach into my valise and pull out the meat sandwiches. […] John takes the meat out of the sandwiches and eats every tiny sliver he can find. Then he stuffs the leftover slices of bread into a bag, which I take from him (so that he wont break down again and eat those).” 

“[Johns] main complaint is ‘How come Paul never gains an ounce—and he eats twice as much as I do?’ […] John is sure some kind of curse is set on his head—or his stomach as it were!”

“[John] has two sets of suits. One is for when he is normal weight, and the other is for when he trims down on tour. The worst part is I have to take a set of each on tour—just incase he gains or loses.”

— The Beatles and Me! by Neil Aspinall, 1965

[My Note: To me, this article seems the most crucial piece of evidence suggesting John was struggling with an ED that Ive come across so far. We have a document, written in real time, reporting on John showing very clear ED behaviours. The article literally states, “he sticks to one meal a day”, and then goes on to elaborate on John’s “break downs”, or what I would say are clearly binges (some might define a binge as being food-indulgence to an excess, although in my opinion when it comes to ED’s binges are more about feeling a loss of control around food rather then the actual quantity). 

Restrict/binge cycles I think generally get under-recognised by people, because the common perception of anorexics is that they never eat, and when they do eat, they eat very little. But I think the reality is, is that very few anorexics will tell you they never experience binge episodes; when you’re under-nourished, its the bodies immediate natural response, and inavoidable in the long run.

I think it’s just such a sad read to be honest, especially the line “he has hunger pains in his eyes!”, because he was literally inflicting torture onto himself, putting himself through all this pain when he didn’t need to.]

“When 'Help' came out in '65, I was actually crying out for help. Most people think it's just a fast rock 'n roll song. I didn't realise it at the time; I just wrote the song because I was commissioned to write it for the movie. But later, I knew I really was crying out for help. It was my fat Elvis period. You see the movie: He—I—is very fat, very insecure, and he's completely lost himself. And I am singing about when I was so much younger and all the rest, looking back at how easy it was. Now I may be very positive...yes, yes...but I also go through deep depressions where I would like to jump out the window, you know. It becomes easier to deal with as I get older; I don't know whether you learn control or, when you grow up, you calm down a little. Anyway, I was fat and depressed and I was crying out for help.”

— John Lennon interview w/ David Sheff, Playboy, 1980 (x)

[My Note: What I find most interesting here is the element of introspect John has within this interview, recognising in retrospect his own insecurity and hollowness during that period of his life. Also it touches on a point I will move onto later, in that his ED was probably might have been a manifestation of his own self-hate.

Also gives us insight into how much his own insecurities were really just in his own head, because very few people would have seen him as "very fat". Im aware our perceptions of fat/thin have changed a lot since the sixties, but even at the time, most people wouldn't have considered him overweight. I am also aware of the alleged "fat beatle" article that came out in 1965, but Ive been unable to locate an exact source for that, or a source in which John makes reference to it, so Im not sure how to feel about that. ]

“Poor old Orson [Welles], though, he was troubled. He goes on [The] Dick Cavett Show and he’s sort of ‘Please love me, I’m a big fat man now and I’ve eaten all this food and I did do well when I was younger and I can act, I can direct, and you’re all very kind to me but at the moment I don’t do anything.’”

— John Lennon interview w/ Jann Wenner, Lennon Remembers, Rolling Stone Magazine, 1970

[My Note: Anyone else getting a little sense of projection from this comment?]

“He was tired of being the fat Beatle. He was really in shape. We used to call John Skinny Head when he pulled his hair back in a ponytail and make his face look narrow. He did it that day for the video and he shouldn’t have. When he saw the results, he went crazy. He just hated it.”

— Jack Douglas, RecordCollectorMag (x)

[Jack] Douglas and Lennon would eat egg-whites. “He used to be the fat Beatle” that’s why there were egg-whites only Douglas explains

— Jack Douglas to NBC (x)

[My Note: Though not immediately suggestive that John was struggling with an ED, we aren’t looking at these things in isolation, were looking at the whole picture, and within that picture behaviours like this—minimising caloric intake, food “rules” that one must abide by—this does suggest an eating disorder.]

“January 15 1966. Wearing their swimming suits they paraded down the largely empty strip of sand and then sat on sun loungers while journalists posed rapid-fire questions. John hated the resulting photographs, because they revealed him to be flabby and overweight. As a result, he would lose fourteen pounds by the time of the summer tour.)”

— Beatles ’66 by Steve Turner (pg. 59)

[My Note: Turner is a questionable source here, in that Im unsure where he drew the information that John hated his appearance in the photographs from the holiday (not that I find this unlikely, but I haven’t found an external source stating that he did). But again, this aligns with his touring behaviours in Aspinalls writings in the previous extract, and as well with Johns 1980 comments.]

“After 28 straight days of shouting, screaming, sketching, and eating28 different colours of ice cream, John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s Primal Scream therapy sessions with Arthur Janov at this London offices are concluded. He recommends that the Lennons fly out to Los Angeles and resume their treatment at his Primal Institute Clinic in California.”

[…]

“[John] is now 28 lbs heavier than when he left England last April. When asked about this, John put this down to “eating 28 different colours of ice-cream” during his course of treatment with Janov.” 

— The Beatles Diary Volume 2: After the breakup 1970-2002 by Keith Badman & Barry Miles

“It was all very well for the mind but for the body it was terrible. I wore the same clothes for two years. I had two things: a jump suit, one you do the plumbing in. I had two of them. That’s all I wore for almost two years. Janov was an idiot but he was not bad. His therapy was good. He was a pain in the neck.” 

— John Lennon interview w/ Frances Schoenberger, A Day With John Lennon (c. 1975) (x)

[My Note: As aforementioned, I think at times John went through periods where his eating was disordered, though the eating disorder mentality wasn’t necessarily present, and this is what I would consider symptomatic of that. John evidently wasn’t eating well during this period of his life, but it seems an unhealthy habit rather then a period of binge eating.]

There's also the argument that Johns weight loss was in large part due to his drug usage, and I agree with that, especially when it comes to heroin since we closely associate the physical symptoms of that addiction with noticeable weight loss. But a theory that I also have on this is that John might have also been using drugs like LSD in order to lose weight during the mid-60s. Purely speculative, I know, but just a theory I have that I don’t think is inconceivable since LSD can cause a loss of appetite, disrupt eating patterns, and trigger binge eating episodes following a trip. Ive also heard of anorexics using it in order to suppress their appetites (in a similar vein to cigarettes being used as an appetite suppressant). 

Something I didn’t discuss in my original post is the argument for John having had orthorexia, which is characterised by an excessive preoccupation with eating healthy food. Ive been discussing this very recently with @damapajaro, and they’ve sent me some interesting sources that would corroborate this. Here are some extracts they’ve sent me, and some Ive found on my own:

November, 1980. John & Yoko are putting the finishing touches on 'Double Fantasy.’ […] One thing troubled me during the all-night recording sessions: the way John would slip from time to time into an adjoining lounge. The first thing that came to mind was drugs, because I was so used to seeing musicians pass around bowls of cocaine with the casualness of M&Ms. John had had drug problems earlier in his life, and I feared he had relapsed—despite all his talk about feeling healthier than ever. Maybe the pressure of being back in the studio was greater than he was letting on. At one point, I happened into the lounge and saw John at the far end of the narrow room. He was reaching for something on a cabinet shelf, and my first instinct was to go back into the studio so I wouldn't violate his privacy. But he spotted me and called me over, putting his finger up to his lips in a signal to be quiet. When I was next to him, he reached into the cabinet again and pulled out something wrapped in a towel.

"Want some?" he asked. "Just don't tell Mother" he said with a conspiratorial look. "She doesn't want me doing this anymore." As he opened the towel, I had to laugh. John Lennon's private stash turned out to be a giant-size Hershey bar. He broke off a chunk for me and one for himself. Holding his piece in a toast, John smiled and said, "Good to see you again.”

— Cornflakes with John Lennon by Robert Hilburn

“And while I wasn’t able to resist the temptation of sweets, John stuffed himself with nuts. That’s how he kept that figure slim and healthy: fighting his appetite with sunflower seeds, peanuts, pistachios or figs. He always said that the seeds were the best for health.”

— At John Lennons House by Rosaura Lopez

January 12, 1976, Sloppy Louie’s, New York City

We all got into John and Yoko’s limo. “What would you like to eat?” I asked them.

“We’re only eating fish,” John replied.

I asked the driver to take us to the nearby Fulton Fish Market area on the East River. After a short drive, he stopped in front of Sloppy Louie's, an area landmark.

— Lennon, The Mobster & The Lawyer by Jay Bergen

As Nanny's son Mike Cadwallader remembers, they confined themselves to expressive looks when Yoko commandeered their kitchens to prepare John's macrobiotic meals, and to surreptitious tut-tutting to each other about his drastically changed appearance. I overheard a lot of “He can't just eat beans…needs a proper meal…he's fading away…he's all skin and bones. The comments weren't necessarily anti-Yoko or pro-Cynthia, but just anti-anyone who got their hands on one of “their” children. When Mike's girlfriend, Linda, produced a bag of jelly beans…John's dietary principles wavered.He grabbed them and scoffed quite a few before being told off, his cousin recalls.

— John Lennon: The Life by Phillip Norman (pg. 610)

“After both John and Yoko suffered a severe bout of gastric flu, [they] went on a liquids-only diet for 40 days. ‘John’s way of keeping on the diet was reading cook-books and fantasising about the recipes,’ Bon Gruen remembers.‘He channeled all his craving for food into these amazing fantasies of dishes he’d never heard of, learning how to prepare them and what’s good for you and what’s not. Up till then he’d always thought getting a bowl of corn flakes was cooking’…Tormented by scents of warm bread during his diet, he even tried his hand at baking.”

— John Lennon: The Life by Phillip Norman (pg. 768)

If you look at the ways in which Yoko also speaks about dieting, it seems she’s got some odd food mentalities as well, also suggestive of orthorexia: 

John did not have an eating disorder. Sometimes he slipped and ate a bar of chocolate. His diets included vegetarian diet, macrobiotic diet and, very rarely a juice-only diet. All of the above are internationally approved health diets. — Yoko Ono to The Mirror, 2012 (x)

Its just a very strange outlook on food to have—to think that merely eating a chocolate bar, or “junk food”, is a mistake one has to recover from. All the different diets are also alarming; they might be internationally approved as being “health diets”, but as we understand from orthorexia, healthy doesn’t always mean healthy. Again, in my opinion when it comes to eating disorders it’s always more about the mentality than anything else. 

There also seemed to have been an element of enabling one-another’s bad habits here, especially in that Yoko was often controlling what John ate: “She doesn't want me doing this anymore.”…John Lennon's private stash turned out to be a giant-size Hershey bar; John's dietary principles wavered. He grabbed them and scoffed quite a few before being told off, his cousin recalls. Through Yoko, John found someone to encourage this issue, and this probably worsened the food-problems in that they were now being validated as "healthy"—or on the other hand, when he broke "food-rules" he was being "told off" for being unhealthy—ultimately perpetuating the pre-existent issue.

Her own relationship with food might also help us to understand why she-herself can’t recognise Johns ED. If Yoko can’t understand that her own intense dieting might be disordered in some ways, then it’s unlikely she’d be able to recognise that for another individual.  

So what prompted John to begin developing an eating disorder?

The obvious response to this is the ubiquitous: eating disorders are about control. When the eating disorder behaviours first started to take over (circa 1965), John had experienced an almost incomparable amount of fame. No ones surprised when a female celebrity reveals she’s struggled with an eating disorder, because being under public scrutiny for such an amount of time would unsurprisingly make you vulnerable to that—and the same seems applicable to John.

But I think as well it was probably a subconscious way in which a lot of his own self-hate manifested. Paul stated in an interview:

McCartney is quoted as telling Billboard: “[John] didn’t say, ‘I’m now fat and I’m feeling miserable.’ He said, ‘When I was younger, so much younger than today.’ In other words, he blustered his way through. We all felt the same way.”

“Looking back on it, John was always looking for help. He had [a paranoia] that people died when he was around. His father left home when John was three, the uncle he lived with died in later, then his mother died. I think John’s whole life was a cry for help.” — Paul McCartney in interview with Billboard (x)

It’ll come as a surprise to no one for me to say that John struggled with intense insecurities for the majority of his life, and so for him to use his physical appearance as a vessel to channel all his self-hate would make sense. As Jack Douglas said, ‘he was tired of being the fat Beatle’: tired of being judged, disliked, scrutinised. Or, thats my speculation at least. 

Conclusion:

I don’t know the extent to which John struggled with an eating disorder/disordered eating, although it was a pretty well-documented issue of his. 

To me it seems the initial problem was binging, which then turned into restriction/anorexia as a response to “fix” his weight gain, and then a restrict/binge cycle. 

In later years, I think he probably still struggled with this to some degree, although I think the issue became less about how much the food intake was, and more about what the intake was—effectively meaning, I think his anorexia unravelled into orthorexia. There was likely an element of enabling one another’s behaviours between John and Yoko here, and Yoko's own relationship with food likely encouraged John's pre-existing unhealthy patterns and mentalities.

I don’t think his eating disorder was prevalent at all times, since theres plenty of examples of John eating pretty normally with others, but that his eating disorder didn’t exist all of the time doesn’t really negate the argument that it did exist, because eating disorders aren’t necessarily linear. A person can go through countless phases of relapses and recovery throughout their life.

Anyway, as I say, Im constantly coming across new little pieces of evidence on this subject, so this post is far from comprehensive. But these are all some of the key things that immediately came to mind for me! If anyone has any further thoughts they’d like to share lmk :)

#cw eating disorders #lol im glad you like my opinions anon #even if ive taken 2 days to respond :///// #johns psyche #john lennon ED #beatles #beatles psychology #john and yoko #asks #anon #john lennon #beatles books #quotes