#it doesnt help that next year is my last year of high school and then im off to college | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chrissturnsgirlll222 · 1 month

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second, never first

chris x fem!reader

summary - you grew up hating one guy all of high school but suddenly become friends, but as time goes on feelings develop, only its one sided.

warnings - swearing, kissing, use of y/n, mention of family issues, fluff, underage drinking and partying

word count - 1k??

NOT PROOFREAD

“really?” i smile and chris nods.

i squeal and hug chris as he agrees to going to the party with me and kiss his cheek before i go up to his room and get changed. i dont bother picking out a nice outfit as i only have very limited clothing in the bag i packed.

me and chris both finish getting ready and we get in his truck and drive the the liquor store that everyone underage goes to.

“can you just get me something fruity please.” i say the the guy working at the store. he nods and grabs me a 6 pack of coolers and i get a few beers for chris even though he is driving.

“aw you thought of me.” he sarcastically says as i show him the beers i bought.

“technically i didnt do much considering i had to use your money because my fucking wallet is at home.” i roll my eyes. “its ok kid i will probably only drink one of these tonight anyways i cant actually get drunk if your drinking. we know how that turned out last time.” he laughs.

“oh i bet you find that funny.” i say leaning over the middle console and kiss him. “whats that for?” he questions as no one is around to see us. “good luck?” i shrug and we both smile. he leans in for another and i get comfortable as he drives to the party.

“kid please be safe, i will be with you all night just be careful with what you drink.” chris says parking on the street near the party. i nod as i feel like im 4 years old getting a lecture from a parents. we both crack open a drink and go in for a cheers “cheers to this being our first party as a fake couple.” i grin. we clink our drinks and then sip. getting out of the car chris scurries over to my side and opens my door for me and helps me out.

we walk into the party and it immediately smells of sweat, alcohol and weed. perfect.

chris’ pov

i fucked up, so bad.

one second she was cuddled up to my side drink in one hand and the other wrapped around me. the next she is so drunk she cant stand. “kid how the fuck does this happen twice now?” i ask.

she doesnt respond as i help her in to the back seat with help from matt. “thank you bro ill see you back home.” i say to matt. “oh my god chris!” y/n says point at matt, “wrong boy babe.” i chuckle and she turns to look at me, “ohhhhh matt, have you seen my boyfriend!” she whispers the last bit while winking and grinning ear to ear. “teach your girl how to drink next time.” matt chuckles and i buckle her in to the seat and close the door, “i know but she has been through a rough couple of days she needed to let loose.”

leaving matt and nick at the party i drive y/n home. she stayed quiet on the drive home, probably asleep. we get to my house and i open the back door. “im drunk not a baby.” she slurs her words sitting up. “well you sure get drunk and act like a baby.” i reply and she rolls her eyes. “hey your mean.” she pouts as i lift her out of the truck, bending down and lifting her over my shoulder “hey let go of me!” she exclaims lightly hitting my back and i laugh at her drunken state.

walking in to my house and gently laying her on my couch. “be quiet my parents are home ok.” i say leaning over her. she gives me a thumbs up while her eyes are closed. i close the front door and take my shoes off and walk over to y/n and kneel down to take her shoes off. “oh sorry mister hands off!” she mumbles, “i need to take your shoes off so you can go to bed.” i chuckle. “i am a taken women, hands off.” she whisper yells. “your taken are you?” i decide to play along and continue removing her shoes. “yep, my boyfriend will kill you if he knew you were taking my shoes off.” she grins.

“whos your boyfriend?” i ask, “chris. hes the best you would love him. hes not nice to everyone i mean he wasnt even nice to me for a bit but he is the best!” she explains. i pause at what she said, i wasnt nice to her.

“why wasnt he nice to you?”

“he would always tease me in school you know but now hes the most amazing boy i know.”

shit.

im the worst.

“well im sure he feels really bad for that.” i say getting up and putting he shoes in the closet. i walk over to her and kiss her on the forehead, “cmon lets get you upstairs.” i grunt sitting her up. “chris!” she says and a childish grin appears on her face. “where did you go?” she mumbles as she wraps her arms around my neck and my hands go to her waist.

“never left kid” i say lifting her up and walking upstairs. i set her down at my doorway and she walks over to my bed clearly ready for some sleep. “you gonna sleep in jeans?” i say running over to my closet and putting on a pair of pyjama pants. she shakes her head and i toss her a pair of my boxers and a one of my shirts to sleep in. “can you change yourself tonight?” i say and she nods and hiccups.

“turn around please.” she asks and i oblige. “all done.”

i turn around and walk towards my bed shutting the lights off and turning on my low led strips. joining her in bed and turning on a show to fall asleep to. shes turns around to face me. “chris,” she begins “hmm?”

“im really in love with you, like a lot alot.” she mumbles. “your drunk pretty girl.”

“i mean it.” she says and i look at her. “if you can tell me this tomorrow when your not drunk then i while believe it.” i chuckle my heart beating fast at her words.

she cuddles in to my side throwing her arm over my bare chest and i begin drawing circles on it. “do you?”

“do i what.” i look down at her. “love me?”

“you find out that answer tomorrow if your being truthful.” i say looking forward at the tv. she sighs in deafeat and lays her head on my chest and quickly drifts off to sleep.

thanks for reading xx

taglist: @sleepysturnss @blahbel668 @alorsxsturn @w4nnabeurs @junnniiieee07 @waydasims @matthewloverr @bitchydragonparadise @matthewsturnioloswifey @iloveneilperry @stunza @realuvrrr @sturnsjtop @tubl-mc @lilsstvrn @sturniololol @sturnssmuts @emlovesthesturniolos @demisthings05 @sturniololol

a/n: thoughts???

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wonwoonlight · 2 years

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something fluffy / yoon jeonghan

➝ Reader x Jeonghan (?)

➝ coffee shop!au // slice of life // fluff // nonidol!au // OC has a platonic (?) crush on han but who doesnt

➝ word count: 2.4k

➝ haven cloud masterlist (can be read as standalone)

➝ What’s playing in Haven Cloud

➝ A/N: i have no idea why this is going slower than i expected and i cant help but feel sorry ;-; hopefully i'll be able to finish this before the year ends? or is that too low of a goal anyway i hope you enjoyed this and pls dont forget to drop by and tell me your thoughts <3

When you had only started working in Haven Cloud, you’re not sure what to make of Jeonghan.

The guy is way too beautiful not to be a celebrity, and when he greeted you with a wink and a playful smile, you didn’t even dare to think he was flirting with you because there’s no way someone like him would have that kind of motives towards old plain you.

Still, it was a little hard figuring out what to make of him, and it’s only after three months that you finally understood that Jeonghan is just naturally friendly towards everyone that he’s sometimes borderline flirty with or without meaning to. One thing for sure though: it’s clear that Jeonghan never has any ill intentions, and contrary to how he looks, Jeonghan is quite easily persuaded if you just whine a little and pull your pitiful face.

In short, Yoon Jeonghan is just a big softie for those around him despite the cool, flirty image he’s holding up as Haven Cloud’s one and only handsome pastry chef. And it’s not helping the, uh, admiration you have for him. It’s a crush at most, one that you used to have towards a senior in high school; that you know wouldn’t grow into anything else and is barely even romantic.

You suppose Jeonghan is much too easy on the eyes, and as much as you have nothing romantic towards him, sometimes you still get flustered when he stares at you a little too long, or when he mindlessly pokes your cheek just to annoy you.

“Say aah,” his airy voice suddenly says, a piece of tiny choux almost forcibly shoved into your lips that you have no choice but follow as he says. “How is it?”

You hum as you appreciate the sudden sweet exploding in your mouth. Jeonghan has been doing this a lot these days, making all of you try his latest creation because he’s been experimenting with new ingredients and new techniques for a future event Chan has briefed you all a few weeks ago.

“Mmm. Definitely not your best work, but it’s better than the last choux you made.” You scrunch your nose and look at Jeonghan apologetically. He puffs air into his cheeks, a little upset but grateful nevertheless for your honesty. “It tastes good. But the dough is a little too heavy for some reason. What fillings do you have so far?”

“Chocolate, vanilla, and chocolate rum.”

“Chocolate rum?” You look at him in betrayal. Vanilla is literally your least favorite flavour out of the three but that’s what he’s been feeding you these whole time? “I want to try chocolate rum!”

Jeonghan looks conflicted for a second, but it’s Seungkwan’s annoying voice that answers you.

“Too bad he’s already perfected the chocolate rum,” he grins, popping a small choux into his mouth.

“You made Seungkwan try the chocolate rum?” You whine, pouting at the older guy like a child as Seungkwan teases you some more before making his way back to the hall.

“To be fair, I’m currently trying out the doughs, not the fillings. I’d be wasting too much ingredients if I made chocolate rum fillings for all of my trials.” He smiles at you sheepishly, though you don’t relent until he promises he’ll make another batch next week.

“Next week? It’s Friday and I’m craving them now because of you.”

Truthfully, Jeonghan can simply ignore you and be done with it. He knows you well enough to know you’re not actually angry at him, that you’re just playing annoying and you definitely don’t mind waiting until next week. But, like you’ve said earlier, Jeonghan is a big softie and sometimes he’s unsure how to say no to everyone in the cafe because the big brother in him strives to both make all of you suffer and cater to all of your needs.

“Actually, I’m going to the cafe tomorrow to make them so you can drop by if you want?”

“We’re off tomorrow, though? Didn’t Chan say he has somewhere to be and decided to just close the cafe for the weekend?”

“Yep. I asked if I could borrow the kitchen for practice and he said okay.” Jeonghan shrugs, then reminds you rush hour is coming in a bit and you should probably leave the kitchen before Chan yells at you again. “So. Come by if you don’t have anything to do? Or you can always eat them on Monday, I suppose.”

You eye the tray of choux next to Jeonghan, and you swear you can taste the chocolate rum in your mouth if you stare at them long enough.

Guess you’re going to the cafe tomorrow.

“How do you perfect the shape, exactly?” Soonyoung looks at the dough curiously as Jeonghan works on them.

“I’m just talented that way,” the older guy shrugs with nonchalance, a lazy grin on his face and it blooms into a laugh when you threaten to pour more water into his dough so he couldn’t shape them. “Why are you here again?”

“Didn’t have anything to do and Cherrie said she’s coming to the cafe to be a ‘choux tester’ so I decided I want to become one too.”

You barely listen as the two guys continue to talk, opening the small fridge you guys use to store your food right next to the big fridge for the cafe’s necessity. It’s almost lunch now, and you skipped breakfast because you couldn’t be bothered to make anything, which means you’re hungrier than you usually are at these hours but you’re not hungry enough to eat an actual meal right now.

“Han, can I eat these?” you ask as you show him a slice of crepe cake. “Is this yours?”

“Yeah, sure. I bought it then forgot to eat it.”

He chuckles when you squeal a little and do your usual tiny dance when you get to eat desserts. Most of the time, he’s sure you’re working in Haven Cloud for the discounted dessert and all the dishes he makes you try.

He’s not complaining though, one of the reasons why he became a pastry chef in the first place is because of how happy his sister was when he asked her to taste his first perfect baking and how her eyes twinkled in delight once the spoon went inside her mouth. So to see you, or anyone, really, being delighted over desserts is something that always swells his heart.

“Han, say ‘aah’.” Jeonghan jumps when your face pops right in front of his, a small spoon shoved into his lips. He hums once he tastes the layers of cake, his mind already separating the ingredients within. “Where did you even buy this? It tastes better than the usual crepe cake we buy.”

“My sister’s friend has just opened a new bakery and their signature dish is this cake.” He nods in approval as he swallows. He’s always liked crepe cake, but they’re too much of a bother to make that he never bothers trying. If there’s one pastry he wouldn’t make, it’s this one; they’re too much work and having to put them layer by layer will never end for someone who strives for perfection like Yoon Jeonghan. “It does taste much better than I expected. Give me another bite.”

You snicker before you feed him another then take a bite yourself, and it’s Soonyoung who snickers next, looking at you both with a shake of his head.

“Do you realize you guys act like a married couple sometimes?” He huffs, then walks towards you to also take a bite. He’s oblivious of the flustered look the both of you have, too busy appreciating the taste to notice you’ve gone quiet out of nowhere. “Anyway, should we order lunch?”

Jeonghan snaps out of it first, only a little taken aback because he’s never really had anyone say anything of that kind to him. Despite what he’s heard people say about him, Jeonghan actually has very little experience in romance and is very shy when it comes to it.

“Mmm. I’m kinda craving for some katsu, actually.”

“Ooh, I know a good place!” Soonyoung answers almost immediately, his face lighting up. “But it’s not available for delivery. You guys wanna go there or…?”

“Jeonghan can’t leave his dough, Soon,” you scrunch your nose and take out your phone to open the delivery app. “Let’s eat something else.”

“Or I can go by myself. I don’t mind.” Your best friend shrugs. “It’s not that far from here too and I want them too now that I’ve mentioned it.”

As per usual Kwon Soonyoung style, he’s out of the door before any of you can stop him. But, then again, you know you’d be too hungry later on if you take more time to ponder about what to eat so it might be for the better that he goes to buy food now.

“He didn’t even ask what kind of katsu we want to eat.” Jeonghan chuckles to himself and continues his way with his dough. “By the way. If you open the big fridge, I already have a batch of chocolate rum choux ready.”

You light up at the mention of the sweet treat that Jeonghan actually laughs out loud. “When did you make these?!”

“I’ve been here since seven in the morning,” he grins, and then tells you the current batch he’s working on is the last one for choux because he needs to practice for the other menu. “I think I found out why I kept on messing the dough. The batch this morning is almost perfect, so…”

You pop one of the choux into your mouth, and you frown the same time you squeal about how good it is. “This is perfect! What could you possibly fix for this?”

“You’d know,” he winks and cracks his neck from side to side. “God, my neck is stiff. I’ve been making these for hours.”

“You should rest then.” You look at him in worry, and it’s only then that you realize how he has hot patches on the back of his neck and on his arms. He always gets like this when he wants to perfect a recipe, and while it’s admirable that he’s going to this extent, it always worries you everytime it happens. “You’re about done with the dough, aren’t you? A little more and you can leave it in the oven?”

Jeonghan nods and exhales a deep breath; he really doesn’t want to rest now, but his arms are hurting and he knows it’s going to be a pain in the ass on Monday if he continues working. Thankfully, he finishes in about ten minutes and, after putting them inside the oven, the both of you go out of the kitchen to sit down on one of the sofas in the cafe.

“Christ, my back,” Jeonghan stretches from his seat. “What are you making?”

“Tea. You old man can’t handle too much caffeine, right?” You tease him from behind the counter. “I’ll make you some peppermint tea to help you relax.”

Jeonghan isn’t usually too fond of tea either and you know this, but he agrees that peppermint does make him relax and it’s something he direly needs right now.

You slide into the seat next to him out of habit, because it’s usually you and Jeonghan, Seungkwan and Chan. You share a look with him for a second and laugh at the same time, probably thinking of the same thing at that moment. You’re about to move and sit in front of him when he pulls you down, his head immediately claiming the spot on your shoulder so you’d stay in place.

“You make a good pillow,” he claims, his voice so soft like he’s about to fall asleep any second. As if on cue, he yawns into your shoulder, his fluffy hair tickling your cheek. “How longer do you think it’d take Soonyoung to come back?”

“In about 15 minutes. He texted me just now. You can take a short nap, I’ll wake you up once the food is here?” You offer, unsure if Jeonghan is more sleepy than he is hungry.

“Mmm. 15 minutes is cool,” he moves away from your shoulder and tells you to move to the edge of the sofa. You follow his words without even asking why, and, before you can even ask, he lays down sideways on your lap, facing away from you.

You chuckle at the familiar scene in front of you. These boys can be very soft at times and it’s beyond cute. Chan is the youngest but he’s literally the only one that doesn’t hog you; Seungkwan and Jeonghan would do this from time to time, just latch on to you in any way possible when they’re extremely tired and are in need of physical comfort. (Sometimes they latch on each other too, but they always choose you when you’re around for some reason.)

You let Jeonghan sleep 5 minutes longer before waking him up, the food Soonyoung brought is already set on the table by then. He groans a little when you bounce your legs, then takes three more minutes to actually get back to his senses. He’s just about to take a bite when the familiar ding of the oven rings throughout the kitchen, so, to no one’s surprise, he abandons his food and dashes to get his choux out of the oven.

The smell that fills the room once Jeonghan comes out with a tray of choux is heavenly, and you, too, abandon your food for the sake of tasting the choux first.

“Did you fill this with chocolate rum too?”

“Some of them, yeah, because there was a bit left. But most of them are vanilla.”

You happily take the choux Jeonghan hands you, the pastry still warm that you blow air into it out of reflex. Jeonghan looks at you in expectation, then breaks into a wide grin when your eyes widen the moment you swallow. That’s how he knows his dessert is a big success.

“Han, what the hell!” You hit his shoulder harder than you meant to. “How did you make it so fluffy on the inside but crispy on the outside? This is the fluffiest choux I’ve ever had!”

“Not the most delicious?” he grins, then takes a bite himself and urges Soonyoung to taste some too.

“Like it’s not obvious.” You roll your eyes, then tell him you’re bringing some home and he has no right to tell you otherwise. “This will be sold out in seconds. Tell you what, maybe we should not serve this. I kinda want them all to myself”

Jeonghan scrunches his nose shyly at the compliment, then tells you to shut up before he picks up his katsu again. Despite knowing he’s good at this, there’s something about getting validations from the people in Haven Cloud that makes him happy; perhaps it’s the fact that he knows for sure these people appreciate him and his works.

And as he watches you and Soonyoung hum happily at the taste of his choux, Jeonghan is once again glad he chooses to become a pastry chef.

A/N 2: I might get rid of the taglist because, to be honest, it turns to be quite a lot of work to tag every user one by one due to tumblrs ass system and, if i'm being quite frank, it gets discouraging to tag people and not get feedback from even 10% of them soo, yeah

🏷permanent taglist: @kyeomjjigae @stantrash171819 @sebongmochi @luveveryonewoo @thinkinboutwonu @kpopjackie @ursweetener @lavenderautumnx @itsveronicaxxx @shuahoshiscoups @sunshinein17 @leechanniee @twogyuu @hoe4wonwoo @h3h3tm0n @noraehey @seokshook @rubyhoons @02psh @just-here-to-read-01 @listxn @janandbeyond @pearlygraysky @baekhyunstruly

🏷haven cloud taglist: @berriesandjunnie @boowanie @honeymoondelicia @joshuahongnumbers @bbymatz @baldi-2 @justasoftstan @lechanters @darl-ings @17kwans @heesunki @13956789 @yoonguurt @yoonzinosworld @alicehatter457 @wonuziex @bibinnieposts @horranghaesakura @oliviaheaven @trumanblackhatesyou @qiuscloud @cherriscoups @sstarryreads @joonsytip @jwwonu @meowtella

#caratwritersclub #jeonghan scenarios #jeonghan oneshot #seventeen au #seventeen fluff #seventeen scenarios #seventeen fic #jeonghan au #seventeen imagine #seventeen scenario #jeonghan scenario #jeonghan imagine #seventeen fanfic #jeonghan fluff

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nrdmssgs · 10 months

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Your reminder to be self-indulgent

This blog is not my first experience in writing. However, this one is the first, where I deliberately stay as self-indulgent as I can. Even, if it seems cringy, even if there are people out there with other preferences and perspectives on my favorite characters. This was my personal goal, and today I've found the reason behind it, a real one.

A bit of backstory. Some time ago I've moved to another country. The last months before moving were crazy: there was a shit ton of packing, paperwork, organizational work, stresses and so forth. I knew, Im not going back. What I didn't know was that life would turn out in such a way that with a high probability I would not visit my hometown in the next 10-15 years (maybe longer). Sadly, I didn't have a chance to say a proper goodbye to my hometown. I wish I could just have a free day to roam around familiar places: to sit on a bench, where I had my first ever kiss, to visit my school and university, to walk in park, where I shared my first ever beer with a friend, to look into the courtyard of the house where I spent the first years of my life, maybe to take some photos, so that I have something, reminding me of those places. But it is what it is, and sometimes you don't have any free time during a few months.

This night I had a very comforting dream. I was once again in my hometown. There is a cinema theater in the very center of our city. It is a huge building with a massive concrete canopy (so massive, you can actually walk on it). Although you are not allowed to climb there - there was a way to do it and 20 years ago that area was not strictly supervised, so I've done that in my school years with my friends. So I see that canopy, remember the good old days, climb and walk along there. Then I hear someones voice. "You ok there? Need help with coming down?". I look down on a guy. Never met him before, but his face looks somewhat familiar. He looks up on me with confused eyes, yet a wide happy grin. Such a sunshine of human being. Obviously a tourist, not familiar with this place. "Nah, m fine, just hanging out here." But I climb down just to not let the guy down and ruin his day. "See? it's quite easy, if you know, where to climb." I start walking away, but he follows me and asks if I could show him any cool places around. "Only if you have a few hours, mate. Im planning quite a journey around my hometown." But this doesnt lessen his enthusiasm, he is quite happy to just hang out and see whatever I have to show him. And for the first time I dont care, that he is a tourist and I have to show him some museum/palace/fontain. I just... go through all those places, Ive originally wanted to say goodbye to, when I was leaving, not caring, he could find them insignificant. I dont tell him the real reason behind every place, we visit. Instead, I just joke around, I whistle my favorite songs, I feel free to yell at the driver who almost ran over us in the alley, and I treat my new friend with sweets that he can only taste there. And he encourages whatever I do, just lets me have a good time and is genuinely happy to be around. We visit many places I miss dearly.

I woke up today with my cheeks wet with tears of joy. This happened like 2-3 times in my life. Im just so happy, I've finally revisited all those places and by my side was someone, who just let me be myself. And only later, when brushing my teeth, Ive remembered the face of that guy. "Wait a minute, it was you all the time?" It was so funny, I didnt recognize him in my dream.

So how is this little story connected to self-indulgence? I believe, that by tinkering a safe space for yourself with your favourite characters and interesting for you personally stories, by revisiting this space on a weekly basis, you train your brain to always make some place for comfort. A place, where you can express your feelings and worries freely (even if this place is your own dream). Of course, I`m not encouraging anyone to replace professional help with fanfiction. But I think, this works really well as one of many-many instruments to maintain some peace of mind. So please consider this as your reminder to stay self-indulgent. It helps, it heals.

Oh, and regarding a guy from my dream? Yep, him.

#nrdspeaks #nrdmssgs

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izepeche · 2 years

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I am new to the strange obsession, but oh my gosh your works are amazing. I just want sinister strange to do whatever he wants and for me to say thanks afterwards.

I dunno what to say omg thank you thank you thank you love 🥺✨ im honestly surprised ppl still show up on my blog lol

I have so many things I wanna do but with my condition i can’t do much but i should be fully cleared to go home by tuesday ✨

but i agree. i was never really into Strange until this movie. i mean i love his design and ive drawn him many times before but idk he just didnt speak to me before now.

i have the filthiest shit to write and draw i am so vile and feral because of it but so is he. they knew exactly what they were doing when then designed him omfg. i have a HC that he’s really into bondage (including self bondage) and its killing me. its killing me that i cant write it all rn.

you did not ask for this, so i apologize in advance. but ive had this little thing rolling in my head so -

Sinister seems like he used to be a professor and its driving me crazy thinking about him in a AU being the low toned sort of teacher who everyone respects. never raises his voice (and doesnt have to) to get his pupils to behave because he’s also silently terrifying. you can hear a pin drop in his class, even when its a study period and he’s sipping his coffee and reading a book. could probably make a student cry without even trying, without even looking at them (tho he will glance to see the tears) and would secretly enjoy it because he’s a bloody bastard. takes no shit and is clearly passionate about teaching and I just wanna see him in glasses and at a desk fiddling with papers? like look-

In this Professor Sinister! AU id say he definitely smells like dark roast coffee and old books. wears a sort of musky, old timey smelling cologne with spicy citrus notes. keeps to himself, doesn’t really interact with the other professors, but may strike up a short conversation with maintenance or the cleaning staff in the evening. even though he’s a strict man he sports a more casual appearance than one would think. im thinking just regular slacks n shoes, rolled up sleeves to his forearms, usually wears a black turtleneck or dark button down shirt with a few too many buttons open if the AC is busted (again), thick salt and pepper hair slightly tussled as its been run through by his fingers because these fucking kids can’t even double space their essays how did they pass high-school.

crystal eyes lingering a bit too long on an unsuspecting pupil who is always well behaved and attentive. openly teases them to the point of hot embarrassment when they ask to be excused to the restroom, even though they asked so nicely and they really have to go. but ,” ah, ah, not until i say so.” “you know you just went 10 minutes ago” “you took too long last time”

purposefully writes comments on their papers ‘see me after class’, even if its the most well-written dissertation he’s read all year. he’s rather knowledgeable and will always find something to offer correction on. as ‘punishment’, he tells them to help him prepare for the next class by writing what he tells them on the chalkboard. this is when his usual low key tone, shifts to something else.

The professor not so subtly stares at them, scrutinizing their handwriting and how their dainty wrists move under his command. no, Professor Strange definitely does not get off to how they struggle when he asks them to write higher, up on their tip toes and a bit wobbly. he’ll make them erase a whole line if they make a single mistake in their penmanship (which is easy because of how tired and cramped they are getting). he’ll cruelly mock them, “are you getting distracted?” “we can try something easier if this is too hard for you” “why are you stopping, you’re not finished yet” “i mean, Jesus, it looks awful. but i guess if that’s the best you can do-“

and if he’s feeling particularly snippy he’ll snap a ruler on his desk to startle them, possibly messing them up further, barely bothering to stop the smile dancing on his lips. he still throws in a smart ‘thank you’ when theyre done that definitely doesn’t make up for his brash behavior. its hard to tell if his harsh interactions are serious or a ploy of flirtation, but its intense enough to get under the skin every time that they are completely flustered when they gather their things to leave his room.

its wrong to be tormenting his own innocent pupil like this- many would say the poor thing doesn’t deserve it and the professor's intentions aren’t noble. but its not wrong if they keep coming back, right? not that he gives a damn, nor gives them much of a choice; he’s not exactly a model on morality. besides, a man can have a little fun, no?

i just- love him. i love him i love him

as soon as i saw him i knew it was curtains for me. he is utter perfection because sinister is just so fucking broken and deliciously unhinged and loosely disguised as a quiet gentleman. i love the fact he’s self aware enough to know he’s a filthy bastard but he just. doesnt. care. and like great! neither do i sweetheart. id beg this man to break me, and like please sir call me all the names.

#sinister strange #dsmom #can you tell ive been waiting to be able to type again #but also thank you ✨#im practically vibrating with need #im depraved #delusional #but not dehydrated #mcu #dr strange #sinister strange au #strange x reader

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princeescaluswords · 2 years

Text

"Obsession" Obsession

Whenever the events of the real world seem to get a little overwhelming, I can always rely on Tumblr and fandom for a distraction. Perversely enough, even the worst parts of my fandom can come up with something that serves to take my mind off of problems about which I can do little. Case in point: about four years ago, I left a comment on a story on AO3 and last night, four years later, someone decided to respond to it.

“But he did, just because he never told stiles to get lost doesnt mean he never ditched him for allison. I dont see it in this fic but in canon scott becomes obsessed with allison right away and everything else in his life is put second for her. He ignored stiles call at the pool, had sex with allison instead of watching the kanima, and made a plan to keep her and his mom safe but didnt include stiles. He also had stiles act as a gopher between them when they were broken up. Scott and allisons romance brought on a lot of problems and they didnt care till shit blew up in there faces. I dont think it was intentional, they had an intense relationship and i dont think scott realized how all encompassing it was at times.”

This idea that Scott was obsessed with Allison permeates the fandom ten years after the show first came out, and it was just as wrong then as it is now:

Did Scott put Allison first when he risked his relationship to her to retrieve the wolf's bane bullet for the brutal stalker werewolf in Magic Bullet (1x04)?

Did Scott put Allison first when he ditched their study date to summon the Alpha to the high school during Night School (1x07) in order to prove to Derek that it wasn't Deaton and to fulfill his promise to Stiles to do something?

Did Scott put Allison first when he broke into her house to steal her necklace because Derek and Stiles insisted it was a clue to who burned down the Hale House in Wolf's Bane (1x09)?

Did Scott put Allison first when he left her by herself in his bedroom to go save Jackson in Co-Captain (1x10)? He could have come home after disrupting his mother's date but he went to save the boy who had been blackmailing him and earlier that episode.

These aren’t blink-and-you-miss-it scenes, either, nor are they jokes or pithy one-liners. These are FOUR major plot actions in a twelve-episode first season. And that’s not even dealing with the way Scott’s developing heroism sabotages any chance he has with Allison in Season 2. Was Scott excited to be with her? Was he emotionally invested in her? Yes. But in both seasons, Scott still had more scenes and more screen time with Stiles than anyone else, and they talked about a lot of other things aside from Allison. How are parts of the fandom still calling him obsessed?

The writer goes on to list examples, such as the famous Scott “hung up on Stiles while in the pool” which happened in Abomination (2x04). It happened, but he didn't hang up so he could return to making out with Allison. Allison and he were breaking into Gerard Argent's safe to help stop the very monster that was threatening Stiles at the time with the evil hunter right downstairs. Scott didn't know that Stiles was in trouble but he managed to save him and Derek anyway. His hanging up was a mistake, a mistake very much like Stiles made in the next episode, Venomous (2x05) when he nearly killed Scott by putting a crossbow bolt in the back of his head. Stiles didn't blame Scott for his mistake and Scott didn't blame Stiles for his mistake.

The writer condemns Scott because he “had sex with Allison instead of watching the kanima.” They did it in Frenemy (2x06). It was a mistake; they thought the prisoner transport van would hold Jackson. It was a mistake just like Stiles made when he ended the fake texts he sent to Jackson's parents with 'love you' in the same episode even though Jackson hadn't told his parents that since he found out he was adopted. Stiles assumed Jackson would say that and it led the police to them. Stiles didn't blame Scott for his mistake and Scott didn't blame Stiles for his mistake.

The writer, unbelievably, says that Scott "made a plan to keep her and his mom safe but didn't include Stiles." Why should that matter? Does Scott have to run everything he does by Stiles? Stiles didn't feel he had to run all his plans by Scott, such as when he and Derek went to the hospital in Wolf's Bane (1x09) after Stiles had lied to Scott during a phone call, because he didn't want Scott to know that it was Melissa McCall's account which had sent Allison that bogus text message. And in any event, how does the writer (or anybody) know that Stiles didn't know about switching out Gerard's medicines? We can't. Stiles didn't complain or even seem surprised by it, did he? And before someone says that we didn’t see it on the screen, we also didn't see Stiles caring about Scott in the aftermath of Victoria trying to kill him in Raving (2x08). Stiles knew that Scott was dying because Derek told him, but we didn't see Stiles at the vet clinic nor did he even ask about it. So do parts of the fandom think that Stiles didn’t care that Scott had been close to death? I bet you they don’t.

The writers says that Scott "had Stiles act like a gopher between them when they were broken up." Incorrect, they were back together by that point in Abomination (2x04); Stiles was acting as a messenger because Allison's parents were watching her and reading her phones and texts. Allison and Scott were together. That's what friends do for each other, like when Stiles badgered Scott to sniff Lydia to find out if she was sexually attracted to Stiles on the day of the full moon in Lunatic (1x08).

Finally, there was the claim that Allison and Scott's romance brought problems. This is simply not true; all the problems in the production were caused by Peter and Derek and the Adult Argents. Scott was only involved because Peter assaulted and turned Scott, and I don’t know how people like this think ethics work, but to me that doesn’t mean that Scott has to put the Hale family needs first. Even so, Peter would have been trying to kill people and trying to make Scott his beta even if Scott and Allison had never met. Derek would have been trying to use Scott to find the Alpha who killed his sister and recruiting child soldiers to fight the Argents even if Scott and Allison had never met. By this measure, it’s the equivalent of saying all show's problems were caused by Stiles dragging him into the woods that night, when it was the actions of Peter, Derek and the Adult Argents that endangered people’s lives.

All Allison's and Scott's romance did was 1) keep Scott anchored so he wouldn't kill people, 2) save Derek's arm in Magic Bullet, 3) save Isaac in Shapeshifted, 4) help people outside the Argent family gain access to the Argent's bestiary, and 5) give Allison and Scott happiness. Stiles agrees; he pushed Scott to see Allison and he never ever complained about him seeing her.

It should be baffling to me how people can see two characters who started out being treated as equals -- Scott and Stiles do the same things, make the same types of mistakes, have teenage interests (such as romance) because they're teenagers -- and say that one of them is a bad friend for making mistakes and pursuing what they want and one is not.

But it’s not baffling. I know racism when I see it, even if it’s racism by impact and not intent. While I’m sure that there are some BNF who are fully aware of the racist connotations of what they propose, I think most of the fandom that indulges in this does it unconsciously. They’re simply been so indoctrinated to see the white male characters as the most attractive and worthy and thus the most deserving of screen time and attention that they come to the conclusion that passionate love between a Latino male character and a white female character (Allison is a participant in this relationship, too!) must be unhealthy, especially if it's one of the more prominent relationships in the show. So, they take even the most obvious jokes and the most minor events intended to heighten dramatic tension and without fail turn them into clues to the relationship’s malignity.

There’s an obsession all right, but it’s an obsession with making white men the only thing worth enjoying.

#scott mccall #scott mccall defense squad #allison argent #stiles stilinski #fandom problems #fandom racism #teen wolf fandom problems

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h0n3yk1tt3n · 2 years

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Boyfs 41 🤔

Player 2: Michael fucking help Jake is talking to her I'm aowuwowhsj I'm done. Mission failed. We won't get em next time cuz there won't BE a next time

Michael was in his PT Cruiser waiting in the parking lot for Jeremy to come out from his first day of rehearsal. Although Jeremy, instead of heading outside, was seemingly spying on Jake and Christine.

Player 1: Lol dude I don't think your chances of getting closer to Chris are ruined just because Jake's talking to her

Player 2: Psh yeah sure cute sentiment

"You were in that play last year"

"Romeo and juliet"

"Yeah! You were ghe girl that died!"

Wait wtf

Wtf how has this guy fucked Chloe fuxking Valentine what

Player 1: OMG ARE YOU LIVE TWEETING THEIR CONVO?? Plz holy shit

Player 2: HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT A BOW IS HE JUST CALLED IT A VICTORY DANCE IM????

Fuckinffuck Chris it totally into it she's all smiley andifjdodh

Is this how he does it?? He just??? Acts like a total dork?????

Player 1: If that's all it takes to be popular then how are YOU not the most popular guy at school

Player 2: Vxisbdkdbdkd shit up

Shit

S h u t

Player 1: You love me

Player 2: Unfortunately

"I remember thinking,, I'm gLAd that girl's not DEad! Before I got the chance to know her" Jesus christ him?? With Chloe?? I'm still just??? HOW?!?!?!?

Oh fuck he invited her to hang out at the mall SHIT

Player 1: Jer come on!! Jake is proof humans aren't evolving anymore. You have just as high a chance of winning chris as him!! Go talk to her!!! Dork it up!!!

Player 2: Bdidnsjdd uhhh??? Ok????

Player 1: You got this man

A couple minutes passed without a response. A good sign!

Player 2: i very much dont got this

Dude I'm gonna throw myself into a trash can I barely got ten words out before she was like "sorry did you say something?"

SHES ALREADY WRAPPED AROUND JAKES FINGER UGH SHE LIKE BARELY ACKNOWLEDGED MY EXISTENCE

Not a good sign.

Player 1: Hey don't sweat it man, at worst they might hang for a couple weeks and then he'll crawl on back to Chloe. He always does

Player 2: I guess it could've gone worse... I didn't end up in the nurse's office out of sheer panic

Player 1: There ya go! Not a huge loss!

Player 2: Doesnr exactly prove your documentary right ya know

I mean don't you get tired of us constantly being called lovers?

Michael tilted his head. It was annoying whenever stray assholes in the hall would pull their homophobic remarks, not to mention Rich's NOH OMO and BOYF RIENDS stunts, but that wasn't really-

Player 2: OMFG ***LOSERS

Ffs even autocorrevt thinks we're together

Michael snorted at his phone. Over two years of random classmates asking him if he and 'Anxious Twig' were dating and giggling in the halls whenever he'd throw his arm around Jeremy's shoulders and now predictive text was shipping them.

How funny. How cruel.

Player 1: Damn auto-correct... it's tryna keep ya on your toes

Player 2: Clearly

You know how many times I've almost typed thongs instead of things??

TOO MANY

Player 1: Lmao hurry up in there your Sev Elev pizza is getting cold and you slushee is melting

It's in the cup holder getting blasted by the ac but that's only gonna keep it alive for so long

Player 2: Yeah yeah I'll be out in a few I need to run to the bathroom and very calmly Not drown myself in the sink

Player 1: Aight have fun don't die

Player 2: No promises

#be more chill #boyf riends #writing #asks #so ya know how you can seen jeremy on his phone while jake is talking to chris during play rehearsal? yeah this is that #michael mell #jeremy heere #bmc #bmc musical #be more chill musical #bmc jeremy #bmc michael #jake dillinger #christine canigula #bmc jake #bmc christine

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asbestieos · 1 year

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hey its ur funny friend comin at you live from. bed room. thoughts on um um um um um um um um. kogamao. sorry i have propoganda to uphold. also if u dont mind id like to hear ur thoughts on hiyojun :]

h ih i hi h ih i h i hi hi h i h i h i h ih i h i lvoenyou awlways i like seeing you on my dash always forever and ever )picks you up like a pikmin and sets u on my desk inder my lamp to study)

kogamao

(chef’s kiss) two independent boybosses…. finding out koga’s nickname for mao was a delight HELP boy is calling his own luvr forehead </3 i love gay people they just tear into each other with no qualms! theres something about them both being self-sufficient (mao because hes like rei 2.0 in the sense that everyone relies on him and he juggles Too Many responsibilities; koga because hes literally on his own, chasing his dream after the idol who inspired him graduated) that makes me sad. sadness should be abolished by the thought of them hanging out. they check in with each other to make sure the other doesnt fucking conk out from the stress of Doing Things By Themself. they respects each other 👊 theyre a casual thing they get to be silly teenage boys when theyre together ok no more being normal :insanity: i need them to be geeky dorks together i need them to remind each other that theyre 17 and its one day at a time and you do not in fact have to be on the 24/7 grind to be alive. i know theres a lot of mess and a lot of relationships in enstars but these two should get to be messy together does that make sense am i understandable. they need to stumble through a relationship because neither of them have any idea what theyre doing and how long itll last :insanity: they need to have fun trying out the love thing :insanity:

unrelated i still go crazy thinking about how koga trained tori and makoto and was so kind to alkaloid hes just like. secretly very very nice and nurturing (read: not on surface level) to younger people 🥹 even if he scares the shit out of everyone he trains 💔

hiyojun

theyre like kanajun except way more annoying i cares for them much. the way jun is so incredibly done w hiyoris shit on a daily basis… thats poor boy/rich girl love baby!! theyd be the couple in high school making out in the school halls when its time to switch classes. or the couple at school football matches arguing bc of some bullshit drama. idk what happens in high school anymore its been 2 years 💔 they remind me of this couple i knew in hs, they would like constantly be either loveydovey or hate mode like im talking theyd be blushing and ohemgee’ing one period and the next theyr spouting literal vitriol (or it might just be my personal experience w the one person in the relationship) it did end in disaster, thats what happens when a theater boy and a stagecrew girl date 💔 sorry for going on a tangent for hiyojun i just think theyre neat rn.. hiyori brings jun along to pretty 5 sleepovers and calls him his cringefail purse doggy

honest opinions ship ask game

#piper ens posting #ma head hurts oof ouch ut ily gamey hii hiiii ily im glad youre alive and youre hanging in there if barely #hiyojun #kogamao #maokoga #lycanthian tag pending

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imeverywoman420 · 2 years

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I’m sorry I need to say this to someone . Please bare with me.

So I’m 21 and I’m late to the whole relationship/dating stuff. I never had an actual boyfriend or anything. My parents are super religious people and when my mom found out I had a ‘bf’ in middle school her reaction was so bad that it literally traumatized me. In hs all my crushes never liked me and I was too shy/scared to do anything. Entered college and shit closed down, online school, no actual chance of meeting someone. So I never had an actual bf. People started making me feel bad so I download tinder, met someone, and we started to like each other . Something happened were we took a break and since I don’t know how tf to handle relationships emotionally I freaked out and had a breakdown to my bff. He helped me and everything but me and the guy started talking again. I told my bff and he’s like “your so easy and I’m disappointed in u” and it hurt me. I’m like “I’ll be more mature next time something happens” but I just feel dumb and lost cuz I have no idea how any of this works. Everything is just happening so fast. When me and my guy stopped talking I thought it was over forever and gave a BJ for the first time to some random guy and I feel so guilty and messy now. This past week has felt like a year. I wish my life went differently and I had some past experience like normal people when I was younger. I feel like the girl in black swan when she goes crazy goes she’s emotionally and socially stunted and does adult stuff too quickly.

Me too sister…

Like not exactly but yeah ive pretty much been there.

I have never had a serious bf either only one in high school that lasted like 2 months and like. Even then as a 16 year old my lack of romantic experience caused problems in that relationship. Cause he just like. Expected me to know the rules and shit??? Like idk how to rxplain lmao.

What do we even do. Like searching for stuff like self help dating advice gives you nothing. Its just “raise ur standards girl!”

Ok but. What does that even mean. Actionably. And where the hell am i supposed to find this like magical “correct” man

All dating advice for women kinda assumes theres already a guy pursuing you or like. You live in an area where you actually like. See men your age that are at least 6’s on a daily basis. Like its completely non actionable it means nothing and doesnt help anyone. Like oh i need to love myself before i can be in a relationship? Wheres the evidence of that. Literally none. There are so many people more dysfunctional than me uglier than me etc in relationships. Like that is NOT the problem. Theres something deeper.

#ask

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jadesbrain · 23 days

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20240406

i am still stuck begging. still longing for something that will never be. things arent getting any better. we're still constantly arguing about things that dont need to be argued over and if you asked him he would just say that it's my fault. that im the one causing all the arguments due to my constant complaining and nagging. but he doesn't clean unless i hold his hand to help him, he doesnt help pick up or even pick up his own things. he literally told me he needs me to guide him in order for him to clean his own house. i am not going to mother him. i am not going to raise a grown man. im already raising our son. tonight i cleaned almost the entirety of downstairs by myself. moved the couch, swept, mopped, dishes, sippy cups, high chair tray and the cover, moved everything by the stairs, and wiped off the dining room table. i know since i stay home all of this should have already been done but it gets so overwhelming. i clean one thing, move onto the next, and then the last thing i cleaned is already dirty again. and i know having a mini tornado running around doesnt really help but he really just tears up the living room and his room but his room is always the cleanest in the house. honestly, life would have been easier had i kept my job. my husband and i might not be married but at least i wouldnt be picking up after two children. im so tired. i have been thinking about taking my life quite frequently. some days it seems so peaceful. just to die. to not have to beg, expect, or try to get my husband to act like he's in love with me. in death, i wouldnt have to beg anyone to help me around the house or have to constantly push through days where i want to hide away and never see the light of day again. other days it's not so bad. the days my son and i go to the park and he actually eats breakfast(he's teething rn), and we stick to the little schedule i made for us. the days my husband makes an effort to show his appreciation for what i do for our family and at leasts thanks me for the workload i carry and the mental burden of everything else. i am constantly going back and forth with myself about whether i should just take my life or not. theres nothing left in my marriage for me to hold onto. the love, the passion, the care.. it's all gone. sure if i did kill myself they might blame my depression or ptsd or even my bpd. but it's not any of that. it's the abuse when i was 7 and begging for a family. it's begging to be seen as a daughter by my stepdad while his daughters came to visit for the summer, constantly wondering why i was a bandage instead of a daughter. it's watching my mom become a borderline alcoholic and becoming addicted to smoking while i barely had money in my lunch account, staying home to watch my brother because she couldnt afford the after school care and no one else could watch him. it's being told that nothing was wrong with me all these years while i had 4 suicide attempts between the ages of 13-17. it's trusting someone to take me to see my family and then they shoved my head up to force me to kiss them. it's my great grandma dying within 2 months of that. it's me being raped in my sleep for 2 weeks and then everyone finding out about it. it's me being raped in my sleep again and developing ptsd stemmed insomnia. it's me getting kicked out of my in-laws house with my 6 month old son with no car and no place to go. it's my husband begging me to stay with them after and not caring about my mental health. it's my husband never realizing that i needed him to lean on, his shoulder to cry on. it's my husband making me feel like i am too much and the love i want is too high of expectations. it's me still fighting for him to care about me and love him right. it's my son now being at an age where he doesn't need me anymore. all of this, all the abuse, the rape, the trauma, the begging. for what? just to end up wanting to kill myself and no one realizing. i dont have a plan. i just want to die.

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stahfakz · 2 months

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My Fu$ked up life 26/2/24

Sooo, going back Christmas 2023, I get a call from my mum, except it's my older sister, calling from mums phone saying mums in the hospital and wanted me to pick up her partner, so that they could fuck off for the four days.

Bear in mind, I haven't had a holiday from work since b4 dad passed, over 2 years, and I was really needing 4 days off work to chill out. I didn't get it, I ended up with mum at the hospital everyday, and I ended up having burnout at work about a month later, and had to get senior manager approval to take off 2 days stress leave. But I digress.

Anyway apparently mum started her bs to Caz and caz told kez her partner who told her to take mum to the hospital because Caz a 53 yr old woman, is unable to make decisions on her own.

What they didn't tell me was that they were heading out, and wanted me to take care of mum without asking what my plans were or anything. I was dropping my own kid off at the airport that day. Ugh anyway. So I'm at the hospital, and the drs are telling me they think shes got a UTI or whatever, and awaiting some blood tests, but apparently when they dropped mum off, she was spouting her bs and it;s like FFS, Caz had fucked off and left me to deal with it. Stayed at the hospital for HOURrrrrsss with mum, but no results, I went home after 9pm I was so tired. I go back tot the hospital the next day, they've moved her out of the emergency ward and into a private room, they're still monitoring her, and they've sent the mental health care team to assess her, but cos mums religious, they can't do anything, cos it's 'god' talking to her or whatever.

Anyway, I ended up talking to Brocks mum about the sitcho, cos I know shes worked in aged care. She was really helpful, advised me on how to get aged care assessment done, etc, etc, as the drs would not allow mum to leave just yet.

I called Caz after talking to Brocks mum, and Caz had no fucken clue how to approach the situation, and I wondered why the fuck I even called her, and getting frustrated that she wasn't taking responsibility for her shitty decisions and fucking off, leaving me to deal with her drama so she can have time off work, cos she doesnt have kids, and the last time she had a holiday was 3 months ago, and wow thats so terrible for working for so long without a break.

The next day, the social worker visits mum and gets an aged care assessment referral for mum, and caz is back from her holiday. Because she wasn't around, all the referrals had my contact details, so when the next day, they finally let her out, I got several calls the following days about it all.

Mum missed her aged care assessment appointment, apparently they couldnt make it and had to re-schedule when they called her, but she hasn't heard back since.

I've set it up so that she gets groceries delivered, and sometimes Id go over and clean her house, I took her mower to be fixed, and brock mows her yard sometimes. Anyway, fast forward to today, on my last week of holidays. I pop over last week with milk, cos they didnt have any in her order last time, than I said I'd pop over on monday and pay her bills, etc. So I come over in the morning, wash and hang out her sheets, vacuum the floors, tidy up and mop her floors. Then I suggest she needs new sheets and towels and things, cos she can't see how moldy they are and they need to be thrown out, so i go to Capa and get her a bunch of new stuff all clean, come back and then tell her that she needs to call the aged care people, cos moving forward, I simply won't have the time with work, my own house work, my kid is in their senior years of high school and needs extra support for studies, and driving lessons, etc. Mum says, like always, that shes not going to worry about it, and I'm getting pretty stressed about it, cos she needs someone to clean her house, since Caz never does and I will not haven any more time, I told her I won't be able to come over again for months.

Anyway, I get so stressed, that I go to set this shit up on my laptop, but I can't she has to call them. So I tell her you have to call them now. And she screams at me saying no. So I said whatever and left. Just her yelling at me like that made me realise how fucked my life is. Doesn't matter that she fucking kept me away from dad and the rest of my family for years, I was never allowed to do anything as a kid, watch anything, have boyfriends or do anything, constantly abused psychologically and it's like fuck. Why the fuck do I bother to help my family anymore, who clearly give zero fucks about me.

Like, get a text from my older brother on my birthday saying hey hbd I have no idea where youre living or what you're doing. And its like, bro really? Are you that fucking stupid that you cant remember that I've been living at the same place for 5 years, working at the same place for 6 years.

I'm just over it. Everyone can go fuck themselves.

Fuck me right

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kidkintsugi · 4 months

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stuff happened again over the course of the last few months and theres nothing I can do. I might just do it after all.

Friend i made over the last year dropped me and had me blocked on every account he owns because we had an argument. I even tried apologizing to him but by that time he already had me blocked everywhere. I regret sending that apology; i was also hurt. He didnt even try to apologize, and the way hes now trying to brutally distance himself giving me no chance to even contact him shows me that maybe hes only been using me for my money and help after all. The guy who apparently he crushed hard on broke his heart twice, yet he kept on crawling back to him. I have an argument with him once and he drops me like its nothing. I suspect this is also a way for him to avoid giving me back the money he owes? Maybe i wasnt that important to him after all, its almost laughable. Im not even trying to say i did everything right because i didnt, but again, in his own words, he doesnt even care. He'll be retaking the semester, i suspect he'll be spending his last days in my class online (if he id attending classes at all) so he doesnt even have to see anyone.

My best friend since birth who is essentially like a sister to me confessed to her mother that she fears for our friendship because I seem distant. It breaks my heart honestly, and with all of the other shit that has gone down, this was the last thing i needed. I cried for the first time in months. Shes everything to me, id rip off my arm if it made her happy, i couldnt even be angry at her if i tried, yet shes upset because i didnt have it in me to reach out. I hate myself, i really do. I make so much time for homework; ive been working non stop all over my christmas break, its a whole buttload of shit that i have to work at all over christmas, yet i couldnt find the time to talk to her. I want to rip my skin off, the urge to hurt myself is so bad as im writing this. Im an idiot. I wish i could be a better friend but after this much work and other emotional turmoil going on around me, daily classes until 4pm with homework directly afterwards until 8pm, i barely have the energy to even leave my bed, much less to initiate conversation.

My family feels like its falling apart as well ever since my uncle died. We already pretty much never talk to one pair of aunt and uncle because theyre not the nicest and like to stirr up trouble because my grandpa doesnt give them money (? lol) but now my other aunt, that used to be married to my now dead uncle, found new love. Within half of a year. Shes now also distancing herself, moving to a city an hour away from our own. We dont even know her new lover. She'll be moved to the other city by the start of next year. This only leaves me and my parents with my cousin, who developed depression because her partner doesnt care for her or her child (my grandcousin!!!! Hes so funny he can barely talk because hes so young!!!) and my other cousin who is, apparently, in an incestuous relationship with his half brother (THIS IS SO WEIRD TO WRITE???? WHAT HAPPENED THERE). We arent many people left but we still care for eachother, or at least i hope so.

Honestly, it just all looks like it wont get better in the future. Ill always be like this. Ill always struggle with emotion. I genuinely believe its for the better when im just dead. Theres only very few things keeping me from doing it. I hope next year gets better; ive been promised ill have less homework in my 5th and 6th semester, but my school rarely keeps up with promises. My hopes arent high.

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kirbycrouch · 7 months

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living with bpd has to be one of the hardest things i have to deal with. i cant even begin to count the amount of friendships and friend groups ive lost and pushed away because of my unstable emotions and my inability to talk about my feelings and be vulnerable with people. i fucking hate being vulnerable, i hate talking about my feelings. but also i guess its just that i never really learned *how* to talk about my feelings. my whole life i was yelled at and told im "ruining everything" and am being "selfish" or "self centered" or that im a "burden" whenever i talked about my feelings or showed emotion. you see, my family has always been huge on their image and reputation, anything that could possibly make them look bad was seen as a problem, and thats why my family always ostracized me and saw me as a problem. when i got bullied all throughout grade school and high school my parents would blame it on me and would tell me "why is it only you that has these problems?? no one else in the family had these problems!!" and thats around when the first time i attempted to kill myself, but even then my parents tried so hard to hide the reason why i was in the hospital and told everyone its from "allergies" even though i was there for two weeks. sure theyre nicer to me now, but the damage was already done. truthfully though im used to always getting the short end of the stick and losing everything, or having things just. not. go. my. way. on top of me having bpd and being autistic and honestly at this point probably schizophrenic too with how fucking often i experience hallucinations and paranoid delusions, i also found out that i have pcos the other day right before my birthday, which my birthday also sucked but at this point it was too late for me to have a good birthday in the first place. i have to deal with having chronic mental and physical illnesses for the rest of my life that not only affect my personality but affect my physical appearance and health too. im not desirable physically or emotionally. everything i liked about myself is being taken away from me. and it doesnt help that i keep pushing away the people that care about me because of how fucking unstable and stupid i am. i lost everything. and i really cant even be upset because its all my own fault. i just continuously self sabotage myself. but i guess its not only my own fault because how cant i be scared? not that long ago i got banned from a college club, lost a whole group of friends, because i reported my rapist/abuser and they called me a liar. my rapist/abuser was "banned" too but we all know that i was only told that so i wouldnt report the club or "expose" them or whatever even though regardless no one will fucking believe me. when i was raped in high school someone i thought i could trust told everyone and i got called a "whore" and a "slut" throughout the whole 4 years there, not to mention he was in most of my classes despite me fucking begging the school to take him out of my classes or to change my schedule so i dont have to fucking see him everyday. of course they didnt listen, though. why would they? a few weeks ago my therapist literally told me "next time this happens you should keep it to yourself because no one believed you the last two times" and that just. broke me. but i cant even really be upset because shes right. no one believed me, and if it ever happened again still no one would believe me. no one ever takes my side, ive been alone and lonely my whole life, but its mostly my fault that im like this so who am i to get upset over my own actions. i dont know how much longer i can handle any of this, i thought things were getting better for me but i feel myself falling down the hole again. i really want to end it all. i dont have hope for things ever getting better for me. some people are just given a bad set of cards and theres no way they could ever win, and i think im one of those people, so i should just give up.

#rant

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hirokiyuu · 10 months

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thinking abt yuujins fam

current ages assume yuujin is 17 (ie the age at which they wound up in twst at the v start)

papa

i dont have a name for this guy yet

he/him, 50s i think

has some sort of job that keeps him away from the house 90% of the time. i dont THINK he works overseas but he either a) works in tokyo living in his own apt bc the cost of a shitty leopalace is less than the commute time to their place in kanagawa or b) might be like. a train driver? was the other one i was thinking of????? lmao. either way he's only at the actual family home like one weekend every few months. its always a big deal when hes home

loves his wife+kids but desperately overworked. would like to be home more often but doesnt have the money at any local jobs to stay near them. gaman attitude to life

only child i think

hikari (mama)

she/her, 50s as well but a little younger than papa

office worker. one of those horribly overworked kinds. probably works in yokohama and has to commute like two hours a day. gone by the time most of hte kids wake up, home late enough she doesnt see them either.

loves her kids a lot but overindulgent. spoils all of them but also relies a little too much on yuujin (guy who is like :) i like cooking and helping mama! as a kid. not realizing he is signing himself up for The Horrors) does understand its not normal but yuujin doesnt complain so she doesnt do anything and also kind of cant given that she is again, horrendously overworked

wanted a lot of kids her whole life. adores them all. wishes she could have more time to tkae care of them but as we all know, The Cost of Living In Japan

yuujin goes here. 17, he/him (eventually they/them), if u need me to say moer than you have not been following my blog

mitsuki

she/her, 15

first year of high school

Extremely self-centered. well aware her ability to get out of hte house w/o having to rely on their parents ever releis a Lot on her being self-sufficient and is trying to play into her own strengths. also just hates being home so she's out doing Overachiever Things a lot but also going to karaoke and making friends and spending as little time at home as possible

will stay up to get allowance from mom, who should not be giving it to her but does bc she loves all her kids a bit too much

mutsumi

she/her, 13

yuujin's best friend. lmao.

chubby otaku. got bullied a lot in grades 5/6, situation got somewhat better in middle school but still doesnt really have any friends besides yuujin

shy + meek, doesn't know how to talk to people. wants to help yuujin more around the house but having so little self confidence means she needs a Lot of handholding and ends up creating more work for him so hes usually just like. go sit down and then tell me abt w/e manga youre into rn

only one that knows yuujins gay, a secret she guards w/her life

ruito

he/him, 11

sixth grader. loooooves yuujin more than anyone in existence! this is Not a Good Thing

sporty, thoughtless, jealous. wants yuujins time but yuujin has no time to give, which manifests in him being mad that mutsumi is the clear favorite and trying to bother yuujin when yuujin is Doing Other Things.

the next ones are more tenuous. i was thinking of yuujin as eldest of seven which i think means One of these needs to be a set of twins but idk which one and what would be most fun. i have runa + the problem child more set in terms of personality but the last kid is like....... so ambiguous theyre just floating midair to me u kno

runa

she/her, 9 or 10?

fourth grader. loves idols and wants to be one

does Not have the money to be an idol fan but through the power of begging and having an overindulgent mama has a semi-decent collection of merch. this drives yuujin insane

less problem causing than some of the other sibs but still causing problems. u kno how it is

youngest child

he/him so far, 5?

first grader. Terrible

bitey. wants to Go. immense handful. cause of every single one of yuujins headaches. constantly trying to run out of the house into traffic, thinks its funny when yuujin has to chase after him. probably in trouble for behavioral problems at school All the Time

ambiguous other child

moody type?

identical twin. probalby will develop a complex abt this in several years time (if youngest's twin) or has already started to (if runa's)

a ltitle bit forgotten given how many strong personalities are ni the fam. will occasionally lock themself up in their room if neglected tho which Causes Probelms and yet givs them attention which thereby reinforces the behavior lol

anyways. thoughts. i have them

#mitsuki + mutsumi are the two i think abt the most i like mitsuki a lot #even tho she is the source of several of yuujins headaches LMAO #yuujin stuff

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