#ive gone off topic oops

[dormont]

i really love the scarlet paradox forms but i can't get behind brute bonnet just because the concept is too confusing

#bwark #ive kinda always figured that voltorb/electrode/foongus/amoongus had a vanillite situation #where it came before the object it resembles and that object was inspired from those pokemon #so where does brute bonnet fit into this equation #i might be missing something from canon about the former four but regardless there's no explanation for brute bonnet #the only thing that makes somewhat sense is the dream machine theory but at this point i doubt game freak are going with that #which is a shame because i really liked that theory #anyway i was looking around for an explanation and people said that there was sort of one in the scarlet book but um. no there isn't?? #though rereading that book has just made me antsy and kind of insane because there's still so many unanswered questions #like why does the game draw attention to the weird symbols in roaring moon's cave but not say anything about them #what the fuck was up with the phantom memory passage in the book like hello??? #the epilogue is focusing on ********* so it's not going to be answered there #and if not there then when? #don't leave us hanging like xy did #ive gone off topic oops

[pinkseas]

for the ask game!

The Egg did this to you, you know. You hate it more than anything. You want to tear it to shreds, want to watch it bleed and wither and rot into nothingness. You want to dig your way to its core and settle yourself in its warmth, to infect it from the inside out and watch it shrivel and die around you. You want to make it hurt the way that it hurt you.

But you miss it, too. You hate it more than anything and you miss it, even though you know you shouldn't, even though it makes you feel sick, disgusting, ashamed. What kind of person loves the thing that killed them? What kind of person loves the thing that hurt so many people?

The Egg loved you at the same time that it made you unworthy of love. It gave you a purpose, a home, at the same time that it made sure you wouldn't belong anywhere other than by its side again.

You want to rip it open and crawl inside of it and never feel cold again. You want to tear it apart with your bare hands. You want to sink your teeth into its flesh and consume it until the hole it left inside of you has been filled. You want to hear it scream. You want to let it rot your heart until there's nothing left of you. You want to eat it alive. You want bloodvines to wrap around your throat and drag you back into the earth. Do you want to kill it, or do you want it to kill you? The line blurs, and blurs, and blurs.

Not that it matters. It's already dead, and you think you are too.

ANONNNNNNNNNN god this scene was so. it was so. it was very Interesting to write this is one of the ones where half the time i look back and im like "god i love that for me" and half the time i look back and im like "what the Fuck"

okay, so, heres the thing. i see a LOT of symbolism and potential with the egg, shit like addiction and dependency and especially abuse. and that aspect is what i was really trying to highlight here. i wanted to express how difficult the aftermath of a heavily dependent, abusive relationship is- feeling like it shaped you yet wanting nothing to do with it, wondering if you know how to exist without it, feeling like you owe it everything and like it killed you all at once.

and those feelings get intense. whether one way or another they can get VERY extreme, which is a lot of what that first (and second to last) paragraph is, trying to highlight how vicious those thoughts are. "You want to dig your way to its core and settle yourself in its warmth, to infect it from the inside out and watch it shrivel and die around you." is pretty much exactly what the next sentence says it is- its how i picture what the eggpire feels the egg did to it, seeping into their very being and rotting them from the inside out.

but yeah this entire excerpt altogether was done to highlight the conflicting love and hate that comes during/after abusive relationships like that.

#mmmmmm putting this in the tags bc i am a COWARD!!!!!! #but most of this scene i was thinking about my own experience with relationships like that #i actually ended up telling my therapist about this fic and talking to her a lot about it #because writing it brought a certain level of emotional catharsis #ive almost ENTIRELY processed all of my own shit in terms of everything that happened and im largely passed it #past it* oops #but i see a lot of what happened with me personally in what happened with the egg and the eggpire #so writing this was like. a way to express that? #with obviously the first chapter focusing a lot on those darker thoughts and the isolation and the spiral #and the second focusing SO heavily on the healing because thats the aspect thats the most important to me #the second chapter was NOT based on my own experience emotionally but it was so fucking enjoyable to just. idk. #write people who'd gone through the same shit experiencing different consequences and struggling with different aspects #all coming together to help each other and themselves in the aftermath #the ONLY thing i know about the second chapter is that someone liked my skeppy headcanon i have no idea if it was good or not #idk how my characterization was if it was alright or garbage or swapped between the two #and that makes me really nervous but at the same time #it was so enjoyable to write that healing process that even when i DO get nervous about it i cant entirely bring myself to care #i sort of automatically seek external validation but at the end of the day i wrote this fic entirely for myself #and ill always be really happy with that fact #I GOT SO OFF TOPIC but yeah so a lot of those extreme thoughts were like #me drawing from my own experience and my own more extreme and vicious thoughts. and my own extreme and more vicious love #things that are very thankfully years past me now but that i still remember pretty clearly

[thisfanisgonesorry]

I'd love to request some Junkrat dreaming about his parents, especially his Mum

And how proud they are of him

Give me the feels!

started writing this fic the second u sent it (sorry tf2 fans) cos ive been brainrotting on my sweet boy augh anyway, made this junkrat/you fic just so i could work it into my sleepy time fics and also cos .. youll see

tags: fluff, light angst, sleepy time fic number 3, comfort,, heavily based off shit i grew up w as a kid in australia, paranormal ghost shii, genderneutral reader, open interpretation,, weird pov thing oops

heavily inspired by these 3 clips just in case ur interested :-) (spoiler warnings obv)

[game of tones] [bobs burgers] [tf2 comic #5, old wounds]

<3<3<3

He woke up in his childhood home, he furrowed his eyes at the surroundings and sat up, confused at how he fell asleep on the couch, and the TV buzzed from the heat. The kids channel was inactive as it tended to be late at night. He was remembering things that he hadn’t seen in years. He sat up and went to wobble his way around the building before both feet landed on the carpet.

He paused, noticing both legs in tact, then realising his arm was too. “It’s a dream.” He said plainly, realising what was happening. He began to make his way towards the kitchen, the bright light seeping down the hallway and into the dark lounge room.

“Jamison!” The tall blonde woman called out to him.

“...Ma?” He looked at her confused and she handed him a plate full of meat and vegetables.

“I was wondering when you’d wake up, tea was about to go cold.” She smiled warmly at him, all he could really do was smile weakly back. “Something the matter?”

“Uh.. Nah, nah.” He hesitated.

He’d dreamed of his mother before but not quite to this much extent. Not this much detail, it was uncanny how real it felt. 

“Dinner looks good.”

She placed her plate of food on the bench and put a hand on his face. “You look so grown up.” She frowned at him slightly.

“What?” He was taken back and put his plate on the bench too.

“How long has it been?”

He froze for a minute. “Close to fifteen years.” She kept rubbing her thumb over his cheek before he pulled her hand away.

“That’s a long time.” She laughed softly. “What’s happened?”

He furrowed his eyebrows and shrugged casually. “Not much.. Lost my leg.. Lost my arm.. Survived the Omnic Crisis.”

She grabbed his now in-tact amputated arm and ran her hands over his forearm. “That must’ve been hard.”

“It was.” 

He was a little uneasy about how she somehow knew which arm was gone. They just stood there in silence for a long period of time.

“Is this real?” Jamie laughed awkwardly. “It’s just a dream, right?”

She looked up at him and a moment’s silence passed over them and a sense of knowing filled the air. 

“I’ve missed you.” She said softly.

“I’ve missed you too but how.. How are you..?”

“I bet you’ve done great things since I’ve been gone.”

He pressed his lip into a fine line at her changing the topic but then frowned at the knowledge that she would not be proud of her son if she knew of all the awful things he’s done.

“I don’t know about that..”

“What have you been up to?” She responded casually, as if making small talk with a friend you see once a month.

“I’m a criminal now.” He shrugged with a nervous laugh. “I make a lot of money and.. It makes me happy, I’ve met a lot of good people through it. I’ve travelled the world.” He rambled a little, almost like he was trying to sell a product.

“If it makes you happy, then I’m proud of you.” She sounded faintly disappointed yet still felt genuinely proud of him for finding what makes him happy and finding people that he loved.

“You’re not.. Upset?”

“I think I can understand why things happened the way they did.” She placed a reassuring hand on his arm. “You’ll always be my baby, no matter what. I don’t think it makes you a bad person for trying to survive.”

There’s another long gap of silence, both not sure what to say next.

“Tell me about your friends.”

“Ah, my friends?” He hesitated. “Where do I even start?”

“Tell me about the big one.” She smiled.

“Roadhog? His names Mako but he don’t like when we call him that. He’s my best friend, he’s basically like a brother. He’s been there for almost everything, thick and thin, y'know? He's the only person who I can really count on.”

“And the other one?”

“Y/n.. They’re.. Well. I'm lucky to have ‘em, I think you'd love ‘em too. Y’know, in a strange way, they remind me a lot of you. They’re both really important to me and I’m grateful to have them.”

Silence lingers in the air once again, an awkward stillness of uncertainty. What do you even say in this situation? What could you possibly talk about?”

“So.. There’s an afterlife?” She stayed silent. “Why’d it take you so long to visit? Why are you suddenly visiting me now?”

“I think you know why.” A lot of ideas raced through his head, so many possibilities on why. She spoke plainly with a slight sentiment of sadness at the end of her words. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She wrapped her arms around his torso and pulled him into a tight embrace. He hesitated but hugged her back, savouring the moment.

“I think it’s time for you to wake up.” She said softly.

“I don’t want to yet.” He said as she pulled out of the hug and kissed his forehead.

He jumped awake with a loud gasp. I was leaning over him with my hand resting on his shoulder. “Jamie? Are you okay?”

“Huh?”

“You’re crying.”

He wiped his face in a hurry with his hand and attempted to with his bicep. 

“I’m fine just.. Realising some stuff.” He smiled up at me warmly though it was clear something happened to upset him.

“You can talk to me, you know?”

“I know.” He continued to smile. I handed him a water bottle and smiled back at him. “I’ll tell you about it later. Just gotta think on it.”

#asks #fluff #junkrat #jamison fawkes #overwatch #jamison fawkes overwatch #junkrat overwatch #overwatch junkrat #overwatch jamison fawkes #junkrat x you #junkrat x reader #jamison fawkes x you #jamison fawkes x reader #overwatch x you #overwatch x reader #overwatch fluff #angst #overwatch angst #junkrat fluff #junkrat angst

[hajihiko]

Ive been wondering. Did Hajime and Izuru finally fuse at the end, or is it still somewhat Hajime, and Izuru is just rolling around in his head drinking tea like a high class individual?

I think it's never totally explained, only that somehow neither Izuru nor Hajime is gone. But here's my own (long) take on the whole shebang;

Mind you, this is just how I like to interpret things, for my own reasons! Not dissing anyone else's takes, and my only reason is "this resonates a lot with me". Also it's just my general take, maybe other people have opinions and maybe it depends on AUs and such. I implore you to remember that this is just how I like to look at the topic through my own lens.

Basically, when I'm drawing Hajime or Izuru or HajiZuru, it's Oops! All Hajime.

Hajime at the earliest that we see: student, crippling self esteem and inferiority issues, pretty brash but smart and friendly. Signs up for the Project.

Hajime (Izuru) in and after the project: No emotions, no personality, no memories. This stuff makes up a person, so he *is* effectively a different one, but it's still a Hajime. Just, one that has been completely crushed and is behaving purely on auto-logic, with no past references to go off of. The identity of Izuru Kamukura was thrust upon him, and he never really had any opinions on who he was (or, anything really).

Hajime (HajiZuru) post-game and onwards: both of those guys' memories, which are his memories, because he never really stopped being himself in the flesh. He's not the same as Hajime 1, because who could possibly be the same after that experience, but he's also not like Some Other Guy. He's the same but different, like you are the same person you were 10 but also probably fundamentally different

Like, I think of it less as different personalities in a literal sense, and more like "you're not really you when you lack everything that makes you you, and going through that much trauma changes you without removing you from yourself". Does that make sense?

To me, Izuru isn't a separate person or personality, just the complete lack of a personality in a person that's gotten their brain fucked with. They doesn't feel strongly about anything including themself and their identity, and I think someone mentioned that they use a phrase "I am called Izuru" rather than 'I am'. The lack of anything that makes up their person is what renders them almost unrecognizable from someone who was feisty and strong-minded and had some real wants and fears.

Sort of like, and maybe someone can relate, being intensely and I mean intensely depressed, traumatized and then amnesia on top of it all.

The way things have been explained to me (by a few therapists and a year of psychology, not that I'm saying I'm an expert just that it's a common way to look at it) is that, the brain makes these little pathways to have an easier time reacting to stuff. These pathways can be really fucking difficult to get out of when they're deep enough, and they tend to get deep when it feels like a matter of life and death or when they serve as a defense.

One of these pathways might be Shutting Out Emotion. Feeling feelings hasn't helped in the past, just made things worse, and Not Feeling was better than being miserable all the time, so there ya go. The tricky part is that shutting out every single emotion includes stuff like, want and need and hope (hehe) and dislike. It's hard to get out of this rut when you don't- can't- want to.

Izuru to me is what happens when a person breaks completely and the brain shuts it all away for protection because it can't deal. Being upset, in pain, angry, etc was Not Helping Hajime's situation so it all got filed away, but it's hard to shut out only certain parts, so the whole entire emotions thing got chucked out (with the help of surgeries). Brain enters complete depression mode of Nothing Feels Like Anything. And when things stop hurting, the brain is like OKAY GREAT WE DID IT. And like, it sort of did; the brain is not in constant distress anymore, so it does work as emergency protection (which is what the brain likes to do under so much duress). Also, again, surgery speedrun.

Hajime in the game gets a brain-altering kick out of this rut, that he wouldn't have managed on his own. His Big Moment was the choice to not fall into that brainpath again, even though it might be easier and more convenient (tying into my take on the theme of the ending which is to face hardships and not take the easy road out of fear or desperation or apathy). He gets back enough of memory, feeling and sensation to understand that he does want to be himself fully, warts and all, and now he can work on carving out brainpaths that let him have feelings and be himself as he chooses to be.

The idea that Want is an emotion is pretty big to me. Someone with absolutely no want, like Izuru, wouldn't really want to change, but not really want to stay the same, anyway. Doesn't want to be alive, but doesn't want to be anything else either; total apathy, which sounds like hell, except you can't really feel bad about it either. Hajime wanting to protect his friends from an impossible choice and not wanting to disappear was a deciding factor.

So, to answer the actual question lmao, in my opinion they can't really fuse since they were never different people to begin with, and they aren't separate either. It's just one guy who goes from being a normal insecure person, to having no memory or feeling, to regaining his memories and choosing to take on the mess that is The Human Condition. Izuru is just a name someone slapped on a boy that had his brain broken.

I also think that there is a danger in Hajime ever falling back into that deep deep brainpath that he was in when he was effectively Izuru. If he embraced that emotionless but admittedly incredibly convenient way of being, it would be hard to get back to wanting to get out. With time, he might have carved out an even deeper brainpath that he decided on himself, and doesn't need to worry about snapping into an emotionless fog again. Ideal ending!

(Personal [feel free to skip]: the reason I'm really About this whole narrative is because I'm currently in the stage of carving out Emotion Brainpaths myself. No forced surgery or superpowers included (I wouldnt mind the latter), but I've been in a place where feelings were so shut out there was no Want for eating or moving or breathing, no sense of right and wrong beyond objective knowledge, and lot of reckless behaviour just to see if it did anything. I'm better now though! And that's why I'm so emo about my own take on this whole narrative.)

That was a long fucking read gold star if you made it ☆

#Not an art #Talky talky #Talky talky Tuesday #Oh boy it very long reader beware. Also a bit personal

[toadkisses]

alistairs years in review part three

alistair is continuing his public journaling; the gist is i am writing down a summary of the life events that have gone on in the past two years or so, since i used to lifepost a lot more on here. its been nice reflecting especially since i can see a bend up ahead where my life will change again somehow.

this entry will be about the medical adventures ive been on including misdiagnosed diabetes and hrt stories.

part one about dog grooming school / part two about meeting my wife

this will contain discussion of eating disorders, suicide, and medical stuff! be warned :K oh and me coming out to my family

i dont have a clear "where we left off" point like i did last time! the beginning of this saga is in july or august of 2021. rose and i had been dating for a few months but already called each other our wife. i begin working in a corporate dog grooming salon, and i like it well enough; my manager can be taxing at times but i get along well with my coworkers.

i came out to my parents as trans right before starting the job, and it didnt go as badly as it does for some people but didnt go as well as i dreamed?

it was impulsive. i told my mom i was trans, and i thought things were maybe okay? rose was there, my mom and i cried a lot, and my mom told me i had to be in charge of my dad.

i felt sick to my stomach because coming out was the first thing i could remember doing entirely for myself and my comfort without prioritizing other people. rose and i went and got food so i could collect myself some.

after getting home, i was asked to come talk to both my parents. it felt more standoffish? like i was in trouble? i told my dad and said i would answer any questions they had. and my mom was kind of weird like "thats a big thing to just toss out here" and i was like "well i feel really really really bad making problems like this" and she said that i wasnt making problems but i also didnt get like "you have trusted us with this information we love you"

i actually had an appointment with my shrink the next day and my mom came with, where doctor confirmed gender stuff is something ive been talking about for years and its not just out of nowhere. and i cried a lot about how bad i felt for having to come out and how i was worried about disappointing my parents etc etc

and i think for a little bit it helped, like i was able to be in the same room as my parents without wanting to run but we had a meeting all three of us that i dont remember a lot of besides my dad accidentally saying im not a boy and my therapist exclusively using she and birthname for me. i didnt feel like i had anyone on my side and i remember thinking about trying to find somewhere to crash until i could get an apartment because i was so upset. which i didnt do because it wasnt economically feasible haha. but yeah it went really poorly and i refused to tell them my preferred name because i was so hurt. i actually never told them! they know it from like mail i got but we have not had the conversation.

i actually went back to my shrink a while later and she lead with the amazing blunder of "yeah, when we finished up last time i was worried 'i wonder if shes never coming back'. oh, oops, ali im so sorry" like GIRL you REALLY fumbled this one right out the gate

anyway i did tell my mom i was going to look into getting hrt but besides that we have had very few conversations about Alistair Gender. things are normal, im able to be around them which is good because i live here, they try not to call me overtly feminine things? we still do activities like we did before. it was sweet that apparently they had a conversation about shutting down any possible trans jokes their friends might make when we went to visit them (to clarify NOT jokes at my expense, they dont know and would be very abashed if they did happen to make one at my expense, they were preparing in case the topic came up in abstract and someone cracked a joke, that they would make clear they dont approve of being a jackass about it. end clarification)

a year later uhhhhh coming out is still defined by regret but different than it used to be? like instead of my previous "why did i do this i feel so bad for making a fuss about myself", now i wish i hadnt come out because i was and am happy with the family dynamics we have, and realized that like its not disingenuous for me to be different people for different people? like of course my mom interacts with and experiences and perceives me differently than my brother or my girlfriend does, but the person they all know is still me? and i feel bad because i put my mom in a difficult position because she didnt want to out me by talking to her friends about this big emotional event, so she was left to deal with it on her own. and maybe ill feel differently someday but its how i feel now which i guess is why its good to journal it. in summation i feel like suffering for everyone could have been avoided if i had realized coming out isnt mandatory.

i need to tell them all this still and who knows when that will happen haha. especially since, after taking testosterone for 9 months, i feel like WAY more comfortable in my skin and have no desire to tell any other family members or coworkers about gender stuff, because it doesnt make me uncomfortable to be seen as a woman. ive actually been wondering if 14 year old alistair was right all along and im just a transmasc lesbian? food for thought. not what this post is about.

anyway. BACKGROUND INFORMATION DONE GOD THIS IS GONNA BE SO LONG.

i went to an informed consent clinic and the doctor is super cool, like him a lot. they took bloods from me. my blood glucose was high but i had eaten like right before.

next appointment. i get the prescription for testosterone but they took another non fasting glucose and it was still higher than normal, so they draw blood to check my A1C. i also didnt really uh get taught how to do my injections? because my doctor told a nurse "he needs his flu shot and instructions on how to do his injections", and she uh. just assumed that i could not be the aforementioned "he". so i was checking out and said like "nobody told me how to do injections", the receptionist calls my doctor over like "nobody told her how to do her injections", he tracks down a different nurse who spends 60 seconds with me and tells me to watch a youtube video. it is worth noting that this IS specifically a pride clinic that advertises itself as such? spoiler alert i did wind up filing a formal complaint like "i understand why im getting misgendered, but im worried about how it might impact the wrong patient and it DID impact my quality of care" after i had a prescription issue and they were like "she needs her testosterone filled"

i got my A1C results back and it was a 7, which put me past prediabetes and in the diabetic range. i was leaving on a trip to visit friends in texas in like two days, and the only medical person who could see me to tell me what everything meant was a nurse practitioner.

it was a really dreadful experience ;_; she told me to cut out soda and desserts, watch what i eat, and theyd retest my A1C in three months to see if i was still elevated. and i told her i dont do soda or desserts, and that i was worried about really closely monitoring my food, (specifically checking nutritional labels and calorie counting), because of my history with restrictive eating and purging. and i asked if she had any advice on how to avoid a relapse like that and she honest to god told me "dont look at that part of the label"

i also asked if i should get my thyroid checked because i was already following all the diet rules they recommended, was active at my job, and had no family history of diabetes. BUT I DO HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF THYROID DISORDERS. and she was like "yeah sometimes it just happens. probably dont need to check those"

to add insult to injury the trip to texas was stupendously awful and i am not friends with them anymore!

i had my first testosterone shot on september 20th 2021. it was really cool.

when i got home from our trip, i stopped eating bread, pasta, rice, milk, and anything sweet, since i was told "carbs bad" but not given any guidance beyond that? so i stuck to a diet of like. salad with olive. chicken and beef. cheese sometimes. beans. maybe an apple BUT NOT TOO MUCH FRUIT THATS SUGAR.

i saw an endocrinologist in january, and my A1C had dropped into prediabetic range. she referred me to a dietician since i told her unfortunately she also said i should write down "i hate ice cream" whenever i craved it, which. wasnt great for my eating disorder brain. she also took me off my antidepressants because some of them can cause insulin resistance. this was really unfortunate because come to find out, mine is not one of those.

after three weeks of awful antidepressant withdrawal symptoms, i saw the dietician. and like i feel bad being like "these people didnt help me" because they were all really pleasant but God it was not helpful to be given a mass produced booklet about how to lose weight and fix your bloods, when i was already following a more restrictive diet than they recommended and at a bmi they liked. and i told her going in like "I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, IM WORRIED THIS WILL MAKE ME RELAPSE" and she still gave me the calorie counts. ;_;

the next day at work i think i honestly had a mental breakdown? i still groomed all my dogs but i was openly crying while i was doing it, my coworkers were really worried. i was the most suicidal ive been in years. i didnt see why i should continue to live if i had to work at a very stressful job, get yelled at by customers every day (you know how retail is), not get paid enough to live independently, and track what i ate every day while fighting a relapse. i wasnt even ABLE to take a lunch most days because my manager had the habit of overbooking us.

i narrowly avoided being taken to the ER. my Big Manager was actually really cool about me taking a few days off until i could see my shrink for Emergency Appointment Alistair Is In Crisis. i was at home for a couple days.

then a very close friend attempted suicide and eventually passed. i dont feel comfortable giving more detail than that because he was a fairly private person.

i resigned from my job. i lost 20 pounds because i stopped eating. i stopped seeing my shrink. longtime alistair fans may remember that puberty really fucked up my mental health, so out of desperation, i stopped taking my testosterone in hopes that i might get ANY amount of relief. and it did take me from "lying in bed trying to figure out how to kill myself without destroying my girlfriend and family" to "hoping i get killed in a freak accident". i was also able to start eating a bit more regularly, and i wasnt restricting any specific foods.

three months post-breakdown i was finally able to see a nurse practitioner to see what antidepressant i could take without messing up my sugars. turns out the antidepressant i could take was the one i HAD BEEN ON. so started that back up. nurse was really great, she was interested in having my thyroid checked as well as my A1C. and it turned out my A1C was back in normal range, but my thyroid stuff was abnormal and likely causing the blood sugar issues! fuck me running! and i did confirm with hrt doc that testosterone wouldnt make those abnormal, if anything it would just make t less effective.

still figuring out what to do about thyroid stuff but cool to know we could have maybe avoided a lot of this food suffering if theyd agreed to test my thyroid when i asked.

i dont seriously consider killing myself anymore! which is great! and while i still monitor what im eating and my weight, i DO eat three meals a day again and have stopped losing weight.

ive regressed in a lot of ways though. like im a good driver, i drove 3000 miles to texas and back without incident, ive navigated chicago traffic, i know what im doing. but even driving to the store is paralyzing, i have anxiety attacks trying to drive through town. talking on the phone is hard again. i have a lot of difficulty being around strangers, and being in public drains me very quickly. im always expecting someone to yell at me. the nurse who prescribed me my stuff referred me to a therapist for ptsd, but he kind of told me to go see my old shrink since ive been seeing her since i was like 14 haha.

i did go see her last month and was able to reorient some goals, what i think has been working for me vs not, etc. and i actually feel optimistic that working with her will go well? she wants me to add an anti anxiety med which i am PRAYING will help

onto more positive things. testosterone was really cool. bottom growth happened like within the first few days, which i was pumped about. my voice dropped, its not super deep but its a noticeable change. i really liked the new body hair but a lot of it went away when i had to stop :-(

like its weird the only lasting changes have been voice and bottom growth, but i feel so much more confident and happy body wise (editors note that my eating disorder stuff has always been more linked to control than physical appearance, this isnt a contradiction)

ummmmmmmmm i feel like we're caught up on my major life events. going forward...

get anxiety drug

contact job counseling

biggest stressor these days is needing a job but still being fucked up brain. im looking for help there. lets see if i find it! life goes on forever and ever and ever though. eventually something will happen. hopefully it will be good! it could be bad. but bad things keep happening and i keep living through them to new things. so i guess it has to be okay because it will be given enough time. ta-da!

#alistair talking post #god this is long #again ftr nobody has to read all this #youre allowed to! but i do it mostly for nostalgia and self reflection #not proofread ive been writing for forever

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg spoilers #ai ohto #rika kawai #momoe sawaki #wonder egg priority neiru #i forgot neirus name #anime review #wonder egg ai #lgbtq anime

[tomdiddlyumptious]

A.R|Just Cry Already

Summary: did arvin fuck up? Oops.

Warning: disapproval and idk 🤷🏽‍♀️

A/n: unfortunately unedited- oof ✌️AND THIS SHIT IS TURNING INTO TRASH- IM NOT GIVIN UP THO

Chapters -> one ✨ two 🤠 three ✨ four 🤠 five

As the week past, you found out that cloudy has anxiety- you guessed the shot caused a trigger for him and just wanted to pull him closer in your arms and hold how you did when he was just 5.

Arvin on the other hand was worried- his sister getting sickness and people still not liking him was just stressful. He seen you around and you guys talked- wanting to put a label on it but just in private. You both went on plently of dates to know that now it should be official- but this time when arvin comes to see you it isnt about kisses and personality- its about help.

He parked in the back of the store, you on his right silent and having a sweet smile on your face that was gonna fade away soon.

“I need your help, y/n” he says simply, but weakly. You turn to him with your eyebrows furrowed asking him whats wrong. “Something with lenora.. shes been sick and ive been doing the best i can but-“

“How so?” You ask, taking his hand and intertwining it with your own, brushing your thumb on top of his knuckles.

“Like every morning she uh- vomits and shes been all over the place- she doesnt want anyone to know but i just need some type of answer” he explains, you hum as you go through your memory digging to find something. And thats when it hit you.

“Morning sickness and her mood is changing?” He nods, you dont know if youre right and if you should say it but-

“Sh-shes pregnant” you hesitated- he looked at you as if you were crazy, shaking his head he bit his lip.

“Please be serious” arvin said sternly. You say your serious and he roughly lets your hand go- pursing his lips in a thin line.

“And how would you know if she’s pregnant?” He asks looking out the window as he wipes his hand that was in yours on his jeans.

“My momma, i took care of her and im pretty sure i know what im talking about. But if you dont believe me then you dont” you shrug, he only turns back to you and shakes his head in disapproval, he then starts the car as you both ride in silence.

“She told me she doesnt need to be picked up from church anymore” he whispers, hoping you didnt hear.

You only hum and ask him to take you home, avoiding anything else except for that topic, he only sighed and continued to take you home.

“I honestly dont give two fucks- i tried being honest with his dumbass but that didnt work” you say, rolling your eyes about the thoughts of yesterday.

“Yeah fuck him, he doesnt need you anyway-“ cloud got cut off by a car pulling up- the sheriffs car. As you both started to walk slower and come to a end he stopped the car- looking exactly at you.

“Get in- both of you” he says sternly now shifting his eyes at cloud, you turn to cloudy and see his breathe is quickened but you nod at him and go to the car.

“You front seat” he says, you sigh and open the passenger as cloudy enters the back.

You both knew better to fight a white man- it was no use.

“Hungry?” He asks, you only nod not wanting to piss him off, he quickly drives to a restaurant.

Cloudy is smackin on the buger avoiding contact and filling his cheeks while you sat there playing with the french fries- waiting for the sheriff to say something-

“Look- im not here to you know- hurt you but i do need to talk” he simply says easily, you only say what is it and sit up straight.

“I know you both were at the river- what happened?” He asked looking at you while cloudy almost choked on his food. It caught both of your attention as you both looked at him.

“My mouth is full...” he have a weak smile and lee nodded turning his attention to you.

“We didnt really hear anything honestly- we were talking about his school and how hes doing. We walked on the concrete slightly near the river but not close enough to see or hear anything really” you simply lie, not to fast but not to slow, just enough to seem to be telling the truth.

“Oh... uhm- are you sure you didnt see anything?” He asks again, you simply shake your head no- cloudy silently thanking god that your a good lair.

Lee stared you in the eye intensity trying to tell if you were lying or not, but of course you didnt get caught- you learn from your mistakes.

After the chit chat with the sheriff you learned that he wasnt that bad of a person- he offered to talk to the school about the problems and the un fair treatment but you both declined- it would only get worse.

He took you both to the car and you both just sat- the sheriff gone as you and cloudy look at each other, he suddenly pops up the question.

“Didnt you guys just confirm?” He tilts his head, you smack your lips and roll your eyes throwing yourself back in the seat as you only nod.

“Well then talk to him or something, we gotta get home anyway” “like i said before- fuck” “him” you look at cloudy as he finished your sentence, he gives you a smile when you grin and start the car.

“FUCK!” Arvin yells kicking the bed- you know when you think back on something and you wanna kill yourself for it? Yep- thats arvin alright.

He then sat in his bed, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood- cursing himself out for his anger issues.

But then he thinks about it- ‘what if shes pregnant?’ ‘Nope y/n is just lying’ he only went back and forth with himself, it only ended up for him falling asleep.

Taggie! @jeyramarie

#tom holland x reader #arvin russel x reader #tom holland x black!reader #arvin russel x black!reader #tom holland series #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #arvin russell #tdatt #jb writes

[jincherie]

florescence | iv

❀ — pairing: taehyung x reader x seokjin ❀ — genre: hybrid au, hybrid tae, hybrid jin, poly au, fluff, smut (future), angst ❀ — words: 5.1k+ ❀ — rating: sfw ❀ — warnings: a pinch of angst... oops ❀ — notes: fiddling and editing, i felt that i needed to expand this bit more so i added some context and cut the end scene off to make the feature of the next chapter

Okay, so maybe you’re lonely, and maybe there is something missing in your life, a void that you maybe want to fill with a companion that may or may not be of human origin… You’re perfectly content not doing anything about it though, until your best friend calls you in desperate need for your help and you suddenly end up coming home with not one, but two hybrids that may or may not have been on the way to the chopping block had you not taken them in. They’re more than a little rough around the edges, and the situation is less than ideal but… maybe the best things don’t always come in perfect, shiny packages. Maybe they just need a little time to bloom.

— posted; 16.11.2019 // masterlist || prev. | next.

"You're not going to be returning to a happy audience, y/n."

Startled from your position where you are crouched tying your shoe, you look up and take in the sight of Changkyun's feline form leaning against the wall beside you, white-tipped tail flicking idly behind him. Somewhat amused yet chagrined since you know exactly what he's talking about, you let out a sigh and finish tying your shoes before rising to a stand, dusting your hands against your jeans.

"I know," you respond, somewhat dryly. The cat hybrid is a little too smug for your liking, having been privy to the problem that's been making itself known in your life this week. "I can't help it though. If they want to keep eating pancakes and meat dishes then they gotta put up with me leaving the house for work. I need food tokens because that's capitalism, babey."

The hybrid snorts, rolling the ring over his lip with his tongue before deciding to deign you with a response. "I don't think I've ever heard anyone else refer to cash money as food tokens, but you know what it has a nice ring to it, so I'll let you have that one."

"Thanks for the charity," you laugh, slinging your bag over your shoulder. The kids that had been under your care for the evening are fast asleep in their beds, so you don't have to worry about them catching you leaving and throwing a tantrum. Their mother, a lovely woman who works as a secretary to the CEO of one of your local well-established businesses, has already returned home to thank you and pay you. Staff meetings that run late into the night are particularly gruelling for her, and you made her promise she was going to get some good rest before she retired. Changkyun, the household hybrid who has too strong of a personality to ever be anything but the only hybrid in the house, has followed you out to the front door, and is making the most of his remaining time to bother you to the best of his ability.

"Have they told you why, yet?" Changkyun seems unwilling to let the previous topic go, persistent in his efforts to pull the latest information from you. Begrudgingly, you play along and give the nosy cat what he wants. He's awfully invested in your current affairs for some reason, probably because he'd been nagging you to get hybrids of your own for so long and now you'd finally ended up with some, to his glee.

"No," you huff. Your eyes slide away from his form, falling upon one of the lovely paintings displayed on the walls as you pout. "They haven't said a word, but they're still acting the same."

You don't like the look that enters the hybrid's sly eyes. "I can help, you know." He takes a step closer, leaning forward with a shit-eating grin. "I know what's bothering them. Just let me--"

"Rude cat, if you know then why don't you tell me!" you protest, poking his chest in a manner more playful than anything. "And stop trying to rub on me, I know what you're doing. They were really grumpy with me after you did it the first time so don't think I don't see you trying to stir the pot, cheeky cat."

Changkyun grins, eyes closing in his mirth as he steps back with his hands up in surrender and lets out a laugh. "Ok, fine! Take all the fun out of it! Live without ever knowing the truth, see if I care..."

You roll your eyes, knowing he's still playing with you. "Right, well, I'm going to go before you somehow manage to indirectly upset my hybrids even more. I'm watching you, Changkyunnie."

At the appearance of the nickname you've given him, the hybrid can't help but let out a purr as he laughs and bids you farewell. "Bye! See you next week! I wonder if you will have sorted out your little problem by then."

It's very tempting to flip him the bird, very tempting, but somehow you manage to restrain yourself and you think it really is a testament to your willpower. You bid him farewell and make a quick escape, mind a little hung on his words as you make your way from the house and down the path to where you parked your car.

Will you have resolved this "little problem", as he so blasély put it, by this time next week? You aren't sure, but to be honest you are a little doubtful. Why? Well...

You’re unsure if anyone ever took the time to try and explain the concept of working and jobs to your two hybrids.

You say this because you kind of assumed that they’d know what you mean when, barely three weeks after you brought them home, you told them you were going off to work and wouldn't be back until later—except it quickly became clear that was not the case and they did not, in fact, know what you meant. You’ve been growing closer and closer each day that passed and despite what their guidebooks said, they aren't continuing to act as withdrawn as they had been and aren't refusing to let you close. You’re overjoyed, of course, at the development, but you had no idea it would mean they would get so clingy.

Somewhat disgruntled at the turn of your thoughts as you climb into your car, you recall how it had all gone down that first day you'd returned to work. “What?” Seokjin’s voice climbed in pitch as he looked to you in alarm, attention torn from the pancake batter he’d been stirring. You showed him how to make it without help the other day and ever since he’s been trying to perfect it on his own. He blinked like he couldn’t believe what you just said, and you swore you could hear a hint of fear riding in his tone. “You’re what? You’re leaving? Why are you leaving?”

“I have to go to work,” you explained clearly, a little amused and endeared at the fact he’d evidently thought you’d be at home with them all the time. “I need to make money to pay the bills so we can keep living here and making pancakes, you know.”

When you brought the hybrids home, you’d immediately taken some time off work—you know how critical the first few weeks are in establishing comfort and an environment and dynamic where they feel safe. You suppose you never paused and thought about whether they realised you’d have a job that you would have to return to at some point. Perhaps this was your fault.

“Wh—do you have to? Do you have to go?” He was still holding the wooden spoon he was stirring with, looking at you with wide eyes. “Please don’t go.”

“I have to,” you affirmed, sending him an apologetic look. You almost forgot Taehyung was in the kitchen with you until you felt a tugging on your shirt and looked to the stool where he was perched and—oh, no, he was giving you the puppy eyes, the most potent pair of them you’d ever seen in your life.

“Hey, don’t give me those eyes, mister puppy.” You reached and booped his nose; his cheeks flushed and his ears lowered. “I won’t be gone long, you’ll survive.”

To your complete and utter surprise, Taehyung pulled away and angled his body in the opposite direction, effectively turning his back to you and rolling his eyes. You were left gaping at the uncharacteristic show of attitude. He… just rolled his eyes? At you? What…

Seokjin decided to pursue a different avenue in the hopes of persuading you to shirk your responsibility and stay. He droped the spoon into the bowl and rounded the counter in a few large steps, moving quick and taking your hands into his hold. He whimpered sadly, already making a very strong argument. “y/n, please don’t go.”

You were weak-willed when it comes to these two hybrids, as you quickly found out, but it is because of how much you care for them that you were able to resist. It wasn’t without another half hour of whining and clinging that you were able to leave the house, though. You work as a nanny for a select few affluent families, so its not like you’re working fulltime office hours, and most importantly you’re always going to come back. You have no idea why they’re so opposed to the idea of you leaving at all when they’ve shown they understand your reasoning…

The previous days you’ve come home after work, you’ve received a fair spread of responses. At first, they clung to you. When you came home after that first day of work (mind you, you were gone barely five hours that time) from the second you walked through the door, your two hybrids all but tackled you and stayed firmly attached to your side for the entire night after that. If they could, you were sure they’d shackle you to them.

The night after that, the reception was a little different. They were upset that you’d left again, and proceeded to let you know—for about the half hour that they could last without cuddling on the couch, that is. All you had to do was pull pudding out of the oven and your treason was forgotten, hybrids by your side and pressed against you once more. This, understandably, lulled you into a false sense of security of sorts. Perhaps they’d get over it soon?

Nope. The days after that, they switched it up in favour of something they seemed to think would be more effective. You’re no stranger to the cold shoulder, and usually quite sensitive to it, but to be honest… their attempt humoured you more than anything. The visible conflict in their expressions every time they attempted to brush you off is probably what was funniest. Every time they ignored you, or didn’t respond, it went against their nature and their usual urges. They’re soft, cuddly boys, you’ve found. And they might be grumpy, but even as they’re trying to make a statement, they can’t help but long for the way things usually are. Their cold shoulder usually lasts about an hour, and then they break. Nowhere near long enough to really have an effect.

But by today, when you arrive home from the job with Changkyun, you think it’s beginning to wear on you a little bit. When you ease the front door open, banging your toe on the frame and letting out a curse in the process, no one comes to greet you. The house isn’t empty (you can hear them scuffling about in their room) and the lights are on, but still, it feels… a little lonely. You huff, slightly grumpy that they’re still throwing a tantrum over this. As much as you try not to let it show, it is frustrating. You have to work! It’s not something you can simply stop doing because you want to, or your hybrids want you to.

You halt in the hallway to the kitchen, making yourself pause and take a breath. You’re frustrated and a little grumpy, yes, but you don’t want them to pick it up. They’re sensitive to these things, you’ve found. You watched a video on Facebook about kittens that made you cry the other day and barely a second after the first tear touched your cheek had Seokjin almost broke down your door, worried to high hell and back because he smelt it and thought something was wrong. You’ve been very careful since then, not wanting them to feel upset or uncomfortable as a result of your own emotions.  

Once you’re sure you’ve collected yourself enough, you continue into the kitchen, placing your bag on the table as you walk past. Humming and knowing that the quickest way to get them out of their mood is food, you open the fridge to stare inside, hoping an idea for dinner will come to you like a vision from above. Your fridge may be many things, but it’s not prophetic, and currently it’s not stocked with much food either. Huffing, you close the door with a little more force than necessary and turn away, wincing at the following bang. Hopefully the eggs are ok.

You’re not much in the mood to make a big meal tonight, so you make the executive decision to pull the tortellini you’ve been craving from the freezer and set it on the bench. Begrudgingly, after a moment of consideration, you pull out a few vegetables to add to the sauce mix. You suppose you better put some effort in, since you’ve already chosen the lazy meal.

True to character, as soon as the tortellini begins to cook in the pot and the smell begins to permeate the air, you hear the sound of light footsteps creeping down the stairs, attempting to go unnoticed. You wonder if they underestimate the extent of your human hearing, or if they’re just really bad at being sneaky.

They don’t go into the kitchen straight away, but they go to the living room, as close as they can get to the source of the smell without giving in and talking to you. You roll your eyes, partly amused and partly miffed. You suppose this is how it’s gonna be.

Considering how easy of a dish it is, it doesn’t take you long to cook and serve it. Instead of calling them to the kitchen to grab it, you slip out of the room and make you way to where they’ve started watching Netflix, next to each other on the couch.

Whether they don’t hear you coming or are still hell bent on ignoring you, you’re able to sneak right up behind them, the back of their heads peeking just over the back of the couch. Your hands slip forward, fingers weaving through the silky locks atop their head and ruffling them. Both hybrids jerk, Seokjin letting out a surprised yelp as he turns partly in his seat to shoot you an alarmed look.

The tension in their forms melts away in the next second as the tips of your fingers and your nails lightly drag across their scalps, brushing just barely the bottom of their ears. You think you hear a sharp intake of breath, surprisingly from Taehyung’s direction, but can’t verify it before your hands leave the top of their heads and your smiling at them as they turn to face you.

“Dinner is ready, bubs,” you say, somewhat humoured by the visible conflict on their faces—they manage to settle on remaining disgruntled, though, much to your disappointment.

They rise from the couch, pouting, and follow you to the dining table. They seat themselves without another word, and as soon as they see you reaching for your fork and taking your first bite, they follow suit. You think they plan to stay silent throughout the entirety of dinner, but you manage to wear them down enough that Seokjin lets slip a few sentences of how their day went and what they got up to. Aside from that, dinner passes quickly and somewhat tensely. It’s an odd tension, though, as though it’s not yet fully formed and kind of incomplete. Like there’s a lack of conviction and commitment to it.

As soon as they’re done eating, like the sweet boys they are they take their dishes to the kitchen, rinse them off and load them into the dishwasher along with the other containers and utensils used for dinner. You rinse your own bowl as well once done and pop it in with theirs; without even a glance in your direction, Taehyung adjusts it so the fan won’t hit it and then slides the full drawers in, placing a dishwashing tablet in and turning it on. Efficient; he certainly wastes no time about it.

Already even before this point, you knew that they were going to try and bolt the second they could—and it seems your predictions come true, as the second they hear the dishwasher turn on and begin its cycle, the two of them are inching towards the edge of the kitchen, barely an ounce of sneakiness to their name. Fighting a sigh, you dry your hands before taking a few steps and using them to definitively grasp their own. As you lace your fingers together, the two hybrids freeze, Taehyung shooting you a wide-eyed look and Seokjin faltering in his stride.

"Will you two stay, if you're not too tired?" You ask, a shred of vulnerability more than planned making itself known in your voice. "They added some movies I really like to Netflix, and I really wanted to show you. I thought we could watch them together...?"

You can tell the second you look at Taehyung's face, his features softened and eyes shining, that he's given up giving you the cold shoulder for the night. Seokjin's slumped shoulders, tension having fled at your words, also tell you that he's on the same page as his brother. You brush your thumb over his hand and feel his grip tighten as he turns to you, smiling slightly.

"Of course we're not tired yet, what did you want to watch?"

You spend the rest of the night curled with them on the couch, tension long gone and only warm affection drawing the three of you together, and can't help but think maybe this was the last of their protests. They're sweet, these boys, and you know part of the reason they're upset is that you're leaving when they want you to be here, spending time with them.

But alas, it is not to be, and your optimism is quickly shot down.

Their reaction to your continued absence during the work days persists. Each morning you wake and get ready for work, your two hybrids are there almost every step of the way pleading with you to stay, offering any bribe they can think of onto the table to aid their bid—cuddles on the couch, snacks, movies, naps. Admittedly, each day it gets a little harder to steel your resolve and actually go to work, but you try not to let them see that they’re gradually wearing you down. They’re too endearing for their own good—it probably isn’t healthy for them to have you as wrapped around their fingers as they currently do.

At this point, you get the sense that it’s not just one, but a number of reasons at play that make them so averse to you leaving for work. It occurs to you that they’re probably still a bit insecure, given their background and the fact they haven’t actually been here that long. But at the same time, it feels like it’s also more than that.

You work as a nanny and babysit children, but since you work for families who are usually perched on the upper echelon, it’s not uncommon for you to be spending a lot of time in proximity to other hybrids as well. Ever since they were first created, hybrids have been a symbol of wealth and affluence. Despite much more of the middle and working class having them as companions these days, in a sense that earlier attitude still stands. A few of the families you work for have hybrids, two of them having more than one. Thankfully, none of them mistreat their hybrids, in actuality you were surprised upon first working for them to find that they’re treated almost as well as the children are. It makes you happy to see such a shift from the common attitude, and the hybrids themselves are all so lovely that even when the kids have crummy days and want nothing more than to throw tantrums, you have no complaints.

Despite just over a week and a half of avoidance about why they’re so grumpy, it seems today is the day you’re finally going to gain an insight into the cause of their behaviour and push your hybrids over a line you didn’t even know was there until they cross it.

It’s a Friday where you’ve just arrived home after working with one of those families with multiple hybrids, that you seem to push your own over a line of sorts. You’re a little tired as you come through the door, eagerly slipping your boots off and hanging your bag and jacket up. Neither of the hybrids come running to greet you, as they might have done before you ‘betrayed’ them and started leaving the house for work. You’re less amused than you might have been in days prior, and more pouty—ever since they started cuddling you you’ve grown addicted, and you miss the warmth and affection when you’re away.

Well, you suppose today you’ll either have to go find them or let them gradually come to you.

Humming to yourself, you bring the take-away boxes of stir fry the family had been so kind to share with you into the living room, plopping them on the coffee table with some cutlery. They tinkle and clank together obnoxiously, as most metal items do, and you open a box and sit back, waiting for the sound and the smell of meat to rouse the hybrids from wherever they’re hiding.

You don’t have to wait long—Taehyung is the first to appear, his eyes lighting up on instinct the second he sees you, before he catches himself and smooths his expression, averting his eyes to the food on the table and taking one of the boxes and some cutlery. Even when he’s pouting, he can’t stand being too far away from you; he perches on the cushion next to you, but as far away as the armrest will allow him so that he can still let you know he’s not happy you left this morning. He’s so cute, sitting there and pouting as he shoves stirfry in his mouth, you can’t even find it in yourself to be annoyed at his childlike behaviour. The two of you eat in silence until Seokjin comes, the male’s soft footfalls announcing his presence before the sound of his inquisitive sniffing does.

You look up as he enters the room, curious to see if the fox hybrid will continue giving you a weak attempt at the cold shoulder as he has been for the first hour or so after you get home every night. He does, but when you give him a pleasant greeting with a bright smile you can see his resolve waver. He grabs his food and cutlery and sets up on the couch adjacent to this one, pointedly avoiding your eyes lest his resolve completely shatter. There is a small amount of tension in the air but you decide to let them finish their meals before you address it. Enough is enough but you’re all also hungry.

The second both of them are done and sitting back in content, you stack the boxes and push them further into the middle of the table so they don’t tip. Your movement brings you closer to Seokjin, and he sniffs subtly before his nose wrinkles and his brows draw down harshly. He doesn’t say anything, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip instead, but you catch it nonetheless.

Curious at the reaction and knowing (hoping) you don’t smell bad, you turn to Taehyung and lean closer experimentally to see if he will give a similar response. He does, still not looking at you—surprise filters through you when you see his features twist into a scowl. Wow, this past week you’re really seeing a new side to the shy baby, huh?

“Alright, what is it?” you ask, throwing the question into the tense air before either of them can bolt and fester with whatever mood they’re in. “Why are the two of you so upset and why do you pull that face when I get close? Do I stink?”

To his credit, Seokjin appears a little sheepish at being called out, cheeks flushing with brief embarrassment—Taehyung on the other hand remains steadfast and petulant, crossing his arms. His ears are lowered and still, he refuses to look at you.

“…No,” Seokjin answers you, eyes flicking away. He’s pouting, tone bordering on a grumble. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

You blink, surprised at the sass and distance he’s suddenly putting between you. It didn’t take you long after they arrived to realise that Seokjin preferred open communication and honesty, but had a little trouble working up the nerve to say things sometimes and hence stayed quiet instead. But this time he’s fibbing to you, brushing it under the rug and attempting to dismiss it when you can see something is up. You can’t help but wonder what brought that about.

“Oh?” you say, turning your gaze to Taehyung—the action makes you catch him while glimpsing at you and he rips his gaze away, cheeks flushing as he scowls more. “It’s ‘nothing’ that has the two of you so grumpy?”

Seokjin’s brows drew together, lips tugging down into a frown. Your words seem to set him off a bit, as he’s suddenly on the defensive. “No.  Maybe. What do you care? You’re never here anymore and you—you probably don’t even care about us anymore. You’re too busy caring about—about other h-people. Whatever.”

Your brows shoot up as he stands suddenly, Taehyung following suit—you can tell that Seokjin wants to stomp off and keep being dramatic by ignoring you, but he can’t seem to make himself skip saying goodnight to you. So he says it, but makes sure to imbue it with as much sass and attitude as possible. “Goodnight.”

Completely taken aback, you watch as they file out of the living room and no doubt go to make their way upstairs to their room. You’re not angry, but you’re definitely a bit confused and feel a little guilty, among other feelings that quickly begin to make themselves known. The two of them know that you look after children for your job, and when you told them it didn’t seem to make them bitter or envious—it seems more than a little out of character for them to be upset that you leave them to babysit kids now.

You’re actually a little hurt, if only because you’re also confused and have no idea why they’re acting this way. You have no idea, and they won’t tell you—you could probe further, press harder, but will that make them tell you, or will it push them further away? You don’t want to risk upsetting them more, and if that’s a possibility you don’t think you could make yourself follow through with it.

Sitting there on the couch, completely alone and very aware of the absence of their warmth, your chest aches a little. You’re new to this, you don’t know all the things a new hybrid owner probably should, and it shows. Your first instinct is to focus on them—what is their problem?—but now that you sit here and ruminate a little, you realise that this is more than a little bit your fault. If you were a more knowledgeable owner, then surely you’d have at least an inkling as to what is wrong. But you don’t, you’re so painfully in the dark it’s shameful enough to make a fresh wave of guilt course through you.

You need to find out more, research a little, but you’re not sure where to start. You have no clue what is bothering them in the first place, and even less idea as to how to solve it. Deep in your thoughts, you rise and begin tidying up after dinner in a bit of a haze. You almost drop the cutlery on the way to the kitchen, but manage to catch it just at the last second. After cleaning what you needed to, you made your way to your bedroom and curled into the bed, a frown tugging your lips of its own accord. It takes you a while to settle down and fall asleep as your mind races and leaves you in its wake. You really hope this whole thing doesn't go on for too long, because it's only been a single night that they've ignored you like this and it sucks.

The next day after you work-- a different house to yesterday, one with two male hybrids of the labrador variety-- the reaction is much the same, if not worse. They don't even come out when you call them for dinner, having arrived home early enough to actually make it today. At some point, they come out and take their plates of food, but you miss it, which you're quite upset at yourself for. The first and only time you see them that evening, is by chance as you emerge from your room after a shower and catch a glimpse of them scuttling back to their own. Their dishes are on the kitchen bench when you go to fetch some water, and it makes your heart twinge a little. They're really not going to talk to you at all? You don't think you're doing anything that bad! You have no choice but to leave for work, you need income so you can support yourself and now them. It's not something you can just drop and never deal with, and you have a feeling they know that and yet... something is upsetting them. You just want them to tell you, so that you can try and fix it however you can.

That night, you contemplate knocking on their door and seeking them out, and even get all the way to the closed door of their room before you halt, hand in the air. Ultimately, you can't make yourself do it. Perhaps, if they want to be alone, then leaving them alone is best. Heart hanging heavy in your chest, you turn on your heel and silently make your way to your room, but not before you utter a soft "Goodnight, boys." knowing that no matter how quietly you say it, they'd still hear it.

Your mood is looking like it's about to quickly spiral, so in an effort to prevent it you find yourself in the middle of a self-consolation session. Tomorrow you don't have any work, a day off you've been looking forward to, so surely that will cheer them up and make them emerge from their shells? You miss them, and as you curl into your bed once more without the lingering warmth of their usual cuddles that you seem to have grown accustomed to, you feel lonelier than ever.

You really hope that tomorrow, things will turn around a little.

a/n: i hope u enjoy it n please let me know what u think! the next part is already partially done so it shouldn’t be too long before the next part is out! hurray for the academic year ending here !!

masterlist || prev. | next.

#bts smut #bts fic #taehyung smut #taehyung fic #seokjin smut #seokjin fic #bts hybrid au #hybrid au #bts au #hybrid taehyung #hybrid seokjin #seokjin x reader #taehyung x reader #seokjin x reader x taehyung #taejin x reader #bts fluff #bts angst #bts series #taehyung fluff #taehyung angst #seokjin fluff #seokjin angst #hybrid taehyung x reader #hybrid seokjin x reader #my work #florescence

[mooswords]

OKAY MOO, I’M CURRENTLY READING UR FIC “Home” AND I’M— THE END OF THE FIRST PART WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. “he always comes home” -> IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CONTRAST TO THE BEGINNING!!! he gets lost in his OWN fields, and that’s saying something. however, despite that, the reader still being reassured (or as much as she can reassure herself) that he always comes home = he has the red string to BRING HIMSELF BACK TO THE READER = ALWAYS COMING HOME. I’M!!!! and i love the silly banter that opened the story. aLso HIS HESISTATION OVER TELLING THE READER THE JOB HE WAS ASSIGNED... BECAUSE HE WAS WORRIED ABT THE READER.... AKDKSKKSKS. the fact he didn’t accept the offer immediately DESPITE being so in love with the sea and waited for reader’s permission is such a SMALL thing, but when you describe his love for the sea as superior, that action shows he loves the reader even more and i just- SLKDKAKDKSK. i might be over-reading and i apologise if i do bUT DO COMMENT ON IT THANK U!! 🤩💜 - ava

u sent me these eons ago and i promise i wasnt ignoring you ive just been working like 10 hour days and i am Exhausted 😭😭 but all of these messages legitamately give me life, i am so incredibly grateful! <3 im so so glad you enjoyed this fic!! and you are NOT OVERREADING I LOVE TO SEE YOUR INSIGHTS!!!! it makes me fall back in love with the fic all over again! <3 

i am SO glad that him always coming home comes through! because it gets kinda dire in the middle of the fic so i wanted there to be that hope at the back of your mind that knew he always came home. but i wanted you to be stressed about it still so :) and silly banter is my favourite part of writing this guy, i had so much fun with it alskdf.

and ok i love u, you got everything i was trying to do there <33 like i was struggling to find the balance between her reluctance and supportiveness. thats a fun (and tricky) thing about established relationship fics i find... theres that depth of understanding that can make the interactions more interesting, but so much of it is unspoken. it was a good challenge! so its so GOOD to hear that it vibes right hehe

THE WAY KUROO PLAYS WITH THE STRING!!! THAT WAS SUCH A FOND MOMENT OMG AKDKSKDK. and it’s so interesting that it appeared before kuroo even left 👀👀👀

she already missed him 🥺🥺 i originally had him tug on her hair and then i went!!! wait!!!! we can do better than that!!!!!!!!

READER IS LOST WITHOUT KUROOO!!!! AKDKSKSK and i also love the little addition where despite it being a POUT, she holds it close to her heart. with the context of their banters + that little scene, it just shows me how much each appreciate every ounce of the other party which makes me SO SO SO SOFT AKDJSKDKSK. and then hitting me with the scene where reader is eating a meal alone??? a punch in the gut. when she realised she’s alone I TOO remembered that kuroo is gone and that softness established in the previous scene is sUCKED OUT—ASKDKSKSKSK. 

im just a little obsessed with the little things and gestures that make u fall in love with someone? like the specific way my friend twirls her pen while were in lectures, or how my dad has that one little smile when hes amused himself with his own joke... and for that to be a last lifeline for her to hold on to before he leaves :’))) I JUST LOVE EST RELATIONSHIP FICS OK?!

hehehe yes im sorry about that puch to the gut oops 😇 that was a scene i had super clear in my head before i started - the bright, bright string against the relative drab of the table and room.

i’m at the part where reader gets lost and let me tell u, the fact they have a WAY to communicate via string pulling alone is SO ENDEARING and just subtly hints they have been at this whole red string thing for AGES (or at least enough to form such an understanding). that’s ADORABLE and really strengthens the bonds they have together 

yessssssssssss as soon as i thought of this idea i knew it had to be an established relationship. i have it in my brain they have been married maybe 2-3 years?? i am such a sucker for unspoken understanding relationships :’)

“You push hurriedly through the crowd, ducking between market stalls and wagons. There’s no string to follow, but you don’t need it to find him today.” THIS SENTENCE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL in the context of the entire story. and what a perfect way to describe/show the reader that it’s THE DAY. MOO, you’re really serving such great kuroo x reader stories please continue AHHAHA

this entire fic was so self indulgent please dshlfkljadsb but im glad u like this line!! i tend to try visualise the scene like a movie first? and then write it, and this was also one of the first scenes that was super clear in my brain :D

402 DAYS!!!! I SEE WHAT U DID THERE 👀👀 also, is this is a little hint to how u had to wait until the end to see timeskip kuroo? HAHAHA that wld be adorable

WAIT YO THATS CLEVER? I DIDT EVEN- ava when i say that is a COMPLETE coincidence... i literally just picked a number that was longer than 365 days... breaking news i am a secret genius JKBDSCN

i also really liked the “in-between”: of reader’s life without kuroo. u can really see how integrated they are to each other’s lifestyle, and not only that, the scene where reader handles a twin’s birth (to me) strengthens how they’re reallllly soulmates. there is a low chance that kuroo knew reader was in a desperate situation, yet he pulled on the string at the time reader needed it. it’s just—telapathy but not really + soulmate system = SOULMATES. do i make sense? and i really love the details, like how we can trace back kuroo’s scar to a moment of reader’s life in the fic. putting it at the end sort of makes me reflect on their situations that happened simultaneously yet not really. it sort of fills me in with this,,, space. that the earth is so wide. i understand deeper what reader means by “oh he’s going to be gone for so long”. it’s just. wow. the earth is so big yk.

YES YOU MAKE TOTAL SENSE!!! it's such a lovey way of looking at it :') can they communicate and understand eachother like this cuz theyre soulmates? or just because they love each other and have learnt the other inside out?? hhnn this is why i love soulmate aus, theres so much to pull apart!!!

and ok yes on the topic of how big the earth is... im so glad u mentioned this, its my favourite part because (not to get like... super sappy or anything) i was writing this through the toughest stages of our second lockdown. our restrictions got to the point we werent allowed further than 5km from out homes, so writing about freedom and big spaces and exploration of far off places was such a nice escape for me :’) this fic has ended up very close to my heart. (plus i was reading @/w-yuren’s hq0819 series at the time so i had travel and adventure on the brain hehe) 

THE ENDING.... THE ENDING.... THE WAY KUROO ASKED READER TO KI** HIM—IT’S LIKE THE KUROO IN MY HEAD YESSSSS. Gosh, this line too “when he kisses you he tastes like the sea; like salt-spray and dry rations and freedom.” may i have a director’s cut abt it :3 AND AKDJSKSK. i really love how the string appeared even tho they were together (the scene before kuroo docked on the ship) and once again, they are together, but none of them are lost because they r together-together. do i make sense? am i overreading things??? again, i have to comment on the banter. it’s simply amazing. kuroo’s replies are so,, KUROO, and they are filled with such FONDNESS I’M SO AKDKSKSK.

IM SO GLAD HE VIBES THANK U I THINK THE FONDNESS IS MY BIAS SHOWING BUT SHHHHH ;P you have picked one of my favourite lines out heheh it was one that just flowed out and wasnt one i particularly had to think about which is always nice. but i think it is a combo of me trying to be fancy lol and me being a huge fan of fantasy-books-set-on-ships. think like explorers or pirates, some rag tag bunch who have to set off on some quest and come back with some of that wildness imbued in their very being... yeah this line was definitely born from me Yearning i think :P

ooo do you mean the wedding scene? that was me trying to hit the ‘feeling lost in a crowd’ idea. you know when youre surrounded by people and joy and laughter and you just feel very small and disconnected? that.

ALSO READER’S DYANAMICS WITH KARASUNO CHARACTERS IS ADORABLE AKDKSKSKK. the festival scene was such a breather and it was adorable to see her interact with those characters. it feels like a snapshot in her life i simply adore that :3

ahh yea! i wanted her to have a life, you know? shes not the type to mope around, like life goes on. that doesnt mean she doesnt miss him oof but theres a whole community around to support her too!! and im very fond of takeda in this scene :’) he takes care of his crows <3

I RAMBLED SO BAD BUT THANK U AGAIN LOVELY I CANT EXPLAIN HOW AMAZING THESE ARE TO RECIEVE <3  

#ava <3 #i know u are offline rn but i hope everythings going well with u! #i cant believe ur out here validating all my anxieties oof <333

[theothersideofhim]

Stan Figures It Out: Part 1 (or, Asmodeus’ Super Fun Beehive Poking Text Log) (or, Nobody)

((So a few days ago me and Sarah went through a lot of really cool character development, but it was all over discord. I’d really like to have a record of it over here and let ya’ll read cuz it was GR8. 

Broke up it up into two parts since it’s so much, and this is part one. Basically Ash ( @ashenheartx ) decided to bother Stan about stealing his idea of making Merlin into a Hell puppet for a hot second, his previous relationship with God, and basically have a big old gay crush on Lucifer. Stan hates all these things and overreacts in true Stan theatrics fashion.

Warnings: NSFW descriptions and general lewd emojis. Ash being Ash. No other triggers far as I know.

Next part to come soon, probably tomorrow.))

Ash:

[txt] ps fuck you for stealing my idea and then failing it btw this is overdue

Stan:

[txt] OH CONGRATULATIONS

[txt] ITS BEEN HOW FUCKING LONG? AND YOU JUST GET THE BALLS TO FUCKING SAY SOMETHING TO ME?

[txt] WELL WELL WELL AT LEAST I KNOW YOU CAN DO MORE THAN FUCK

Ash:

[txt] well your butt was already spanked figured itd take this long for it to heal

Stan:

[txt] HARDY HAR HAR. YOURE REAL FUNNY YOU KNOW THAT? I SHOULD GIVE YOU A PROMOTION TO HEAD FUNNYMAN

[txt] GUESS WHAT THE CURRENT FUNNYMAN IS DOING?

Ash:

[txt] ruling hell for you

Stan:

[txt] WHA

[txt] NO

[txt]

[txt] I PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF THE WRITING TEAM FOR RICK AND MORTY

[txt] SO KEEP THAT IN FUCKING MIND

Ash:

[txt] you lied so hard and fast

[txt] you STUTTERED IN TEXT

Stan:

[txt] WELL I FIGURED THATS HOW YOU LIKED IT

Ash:

[txt] STUTTERED?

Stan:

[txt] I MEANT HARD AND FAST BUT FROM YOUR TRACK RECORD YOU DO SEEM TO LIKE SHRINKING VIOLETS SO

[txt] SHRINKING SHRIEKING NUNS

Ash:

[txt] that was ONE nun 

[txt] well alright it was mORE than oNE nun but she was special circumstance

Stan:

[txt] MMMMHMMMMM. AND BY THE WAY THAT WAS TIME WELL SPENT GOOD JOB. THAT DIDNT TURN INTO AN INCREDIBLE FAILURE

[txt] WHILE WE'RE ON THE FUCKING TOPIC

Ash:

[txt] he is only a failure FOR NOW

[txt] he's still not a defective one like many others

[txt] and has actual power

Stan:

[txt] Yeah he does I'll give him that

[txt] Can you really blame me for trying to step in and speed things up?

Ash:

[txt] yes

Stan:

[txt] Nope not allowed

Ash:

[txt] it is allowed because now it will take TWICE AS LONG 

[txt] because now he has sex and it's not as much of a pressure point

Stan:

[txt] im sorry im

[txt] IM FUCKING

[txt] gagGING BE RIGHT BACK

Ash:

[txt] ?????????? stop thinking about my son's dick

Stan:

[txt] YOU MENTIONED YOUR SONS DICK and please DON'T act like you DON'T think about it

Ash:

[txt] it's kind of my entire schtick to think about hidden treasure

Stan:

[txt] Isn't the real hidden treasure the dicks we sucked along the way though

Ash:

[txt] see now ive gone from mad to camaraderie and i dont appreciate that 

[txt] some how i doubt you have sucked any dicks tho

Stan:

[txt] OH NO IM THE DEVIL OOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[txt] IVE SUCKED ONE DICK DONT @ ME

Ash:

[txt]  🤔

[txt] proof

Stan:

[txt] UH IM SORRY

[txt] THEY DIDNT REALLY HAVE KIK OR SNAPCHAT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE UNIVERSE

Ash:

[txt] bitch you gave god a bj why isn't this FRONT PAGE news

Stan:

[txt] THERES SOME HIDDEN TREASURE FOR YOU NOW FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt] GURL WE AIN'T DONE WHO ELSE YOU BLOWIN

Stan:

[txt] RIGHT NOW IM PRETTY SURE EVEN ENTERTAINING THIS CONVERSATION IS CONSIDERED SUCKING YOUR DICK SO YOU??????????

Ash:

[txt] pretty sure my poor dick is flacid and not in your mouth but okay

Stan:

[txt] THE LAST THING YOU WANT IN MY MOUTH IS YOUR DICK

[txt] I'LL SUCK YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD

[txt] ILL VORE YOU FUCKING TRY ME

Ash:

[txt] honey 

[txt] darling

[txt] you've done worse to me please

[txt] oop kink shamed the devil

Stan:

[txt] If there's anything that can be said for me

[txt] It's that I don't have that as a kink

Ash:

[txt] shocking honestly 

[txt] what with that mouth tum 

[txt] but really not even luci? slacking

Stan:

[txt] YOUSHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT LUCIFERS ENTIRE DICK

Ash:

[txt] why the FUCK would i do that? it's a good dick 

[txt] ESP WHEN IT'S CUTE AND SMALL

Stan:

[txt] LISTEN YOU OVER GLORIFIED FUCK BUDDY

[txt MAYBE I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR LITTLE """""HIDDEN TREASURE""""""

Ash:

[txt] my cute butt because that's not hidden at all and you can ask luci

Stan:

[txt] Is it motherfucker????????????? Is it???? You're telling me you let Lucifer fuck you in the pussy????????????????????????? Because I'm calling bullshit on that. I'm calling bullshit that you ever allow anyone to get that fucking close to you anymore.

Ash:

[txt] well all of that is true, but he is aware of it i am sure. we didn't spontaneously know each other when we dropped out of the sky 

[txt] besides you probably dont share treasure like that because then how do you get to roll around in it when you want to to feel special. you dont. that's like telling people where the candy stash is

Stan:

[txt] YOU REALLY HIDING THE CANDY FOR LIKE 6000 YEARS CHIEF?????[txt] AT THE VERY LEAST I SHOULD GET A TASTE

Ash:

[txt] oh wait did i let the cat out of the bag for you because wow?????????????????? 

[txt] didn't you already know i had a pussy like come on man you've probably found it already 

[txt] it's pretty hard to remember some of that time when we first got down here though

Stan:

[txt] oh no bitch

[txt] i definitely knew

[txt] a shame you don't reMEMBER the fun we had

[txt] but it's been a WHILE AND A HALF

Ash:

[txt] must not have been all that good????????????? 

[txt] dick wasn't bomb apparently 

[txt] besides you alwyas had a thing for luci

Stan:

[txt] I'LL PUT A BOMB IN YOUR ACTUAL ASS I DID NOT ALWAYS HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND STOP CALLING HIM LUCI

Ash:

[txt] you had a THING for luci the first day we hit Hell don't even pretend you didn't 

[txt] luci luci luci 

[txt] how else am i supposed to say his name when he poppin that puss

Stan:

[txt] IM GONNA F CU KING PISSS

[txt] FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt]  💄💯✨

[txt] and lemme remind you; it pOPS 💦

[txt] if you aren't saying 'luci' when you come im not sure what you're doing with your life 

[txt] but it's the wrong thing, darling 

[txt] i'll pray for you and your weird little obsessive love affair

Stan:

[If Ash is anywhere near the ninth level of Hell at that moment he might hear Stan literally screeching like a raccoon being rammed with a tennis racket. But then shortly after he wouldn't hear anything except for the illusion of Mitski's "Nobody" chorus playing on loop. It was sad and melancholy and repetitive and perfectly summed up the insult Stan WANTED to say about Ash's fucking life, but wasn't able to get past the screaming. Who the fuck cared about Ash's little opinion? Nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody....]

Ash:

[Look, Ash is a CACKLIN' instead of being offended because if Stan had meant to camouflage his feelings he had instead loudly broadcasted them. So, as a final goad, he gently hit send one final time. 

[vid] it's grainy like ten years ago small cellphone quality with sound, but it sure is Lucifer getting railed from chest to between thighs. it's less than thirty seconds and includes orgasms that end with dick withdrawing with an aforementioned pop and leak of white fluid 

[txt]  ❤️ 🎵 ttyl ]

Stan:

[Stan was having a HARD TIME OKAY????? He sure as fuck didn't need to be called out by Ash, and he sure as fuck couldn't keep up the illusion as soon as the video came through. That song snapped right out of Ash's reality with the same kind of swiftness as Stan's surprisingly potent jealousy boiling up within him. The phone got thrown on the ground, stomped on, punched a few times, then kicked across the motel room. 

THEN Stan got out a bat and beat the phone within an inch of it's digital life, manifested a hydraulic press and squished the phone with 12 tons of pressure per square inch, before finally mANIFESTING A GERMAN LEOPARD 2A6 TANK AND ROLLING IT THROUGH THE MOTEL LOBBY TO FINALLY DESTORY THE PHONE. 

(And then blast it with the tank's fully traversing rotating gun turret but by then he'd realized he'd never get that image out of his head no matter how much damage he did the phone.)]

#ashenheartx #burningfeathersx #discord shenanigans #long post #tried to make this easy to read as possible but if you have any trouble let me know #TLDR: WHY YOU MAD??? CUZ LUCI'S PUSSY POPS SEVERELY AND YOURS DON'T?????)) #ooc

[fanfictionandstuff]

Secrets- Riverdale X Reader Chapter 4- The Last Picture Show

Fandom: Riverdale   

Warnings: Ms. Grundy and the clusterfuck that comes with that...<<also swearing apparently. 

notes: yikes ive been inactive for forever jfc oops SORRY!

word count: 3,500 (ish)

You woke up on the soft and worn blue fabric of your living room couch the soft evening light filtering through the window. Your phone was blasting your moms ringtone and her smiling face lighting up the screen. You groggily picked up the phone and hit the green 'answer' button 

"hey mom" you mumble still not 100% awake, you were not prepared for her this soon after waking up.

"Hey sweetie, how are you?" she greeted you chirpily, you groaned internally she wanted something 'sweetie' was a dead giveaway.

"I'm fine mom." you replied, sighing internally you just wanted her to get to whatever she wanted.

"Good, thats good...so I heard they found Jason Blossoms body...Sweetheart, I know it might be tempting to tell someone about your...ties to that family. But remember, you'll be ruining both our lives." your moms voice was almost happy and carefree, but there was definite worry under it, finally her reason for calling became clear.

Its not that your mom was a bad parent, but she was flighty and a bit self centered if it didn't suit her it wasn't an option and it had always been like that. When you were 12 she had left you for a month with a babysitter and gone to Rome for work. She tried she really did but she wasn't cut out for kids, honestly if you hadn't come along by accident your mother probably wouldn't have had kids. She was like the professional fun aunt, she was less flighty when you were a kid but something had changed when you were old enough to (kind of) take care of yourself and that was that. It stung a bit when it had first started happening but now you were just tired when it came to your mother.

"no mom. I haven't told anyone. I know the consequences."

"Good! lets keep it that way pumpkin, the Blossoms aren’t people you want to get mixed up with." she sighed with relief. 'pumpkin' was new. 

"Are you coming home soon?" you asked, knowing better than to ask about her comment about the Blossoms you didn't ask about your father and she didn't tell, you had learned that one young.

She breezed past your question. "I have to go (y/n), talk later!" and she hung up before you could even say goodbye. You hit the end call button and threw it at the foot of the couch, and covered your face with one of the navy throw pillows in a form of protest against everything.

You glanced at the wall clock and realized it was almost 6pm, and you were starving so you changed into fresh clothes grabbed your backpack and slipped out the front door. Locking it behind you and walked the few blocks to pops, the neon signs greeting you as you approached.

You walked through the door to find some of your friends already sitting there. Jughead was gesturing angrily as you grabbed a chair from a nearby table and pulled it up. "The Drive-in closing, its just one more nail in the coffin that is Riverdale! No. forget Riverdale. in the coffin of the american dream." Jughead was ranting, he was still doing the angry gesture thing outrage in his every word. "As the godfather of indie cinema,  Quentin Tarintino, likes to say--"

Kevin cut him off. "please, god, no more Quentin Tarintino references." "What? Im pissed. And not just about losing my job The Twilight drive in should MEAN something to us, people should be trying to save it!" Jughead continued his mini rant.

Veronica was next to chime in, "In this age of Netflix and VOD, do people really want to go watch a movie in a car? who even goes there?" “People who want to buy crack" Kevin added. 

"And cinephiles and car enthusiasts--" Jughead started listing off people who go to the twilight and you were the one to cut him off this time.

"I go." you chimed in, you had been a bunch of times when the house got too empty or you felt too isolated. You would take the old beat up pick-up from the garage and go to The Twilight. Just to be around people for awhile, and not have to worry about oversharing. considering everyone in the freaking town only wanted to gossip about the blossoms and Jasons murder.

"See (y/n) gets it! The Twilight drive in is a riverdale treasure, right Bets?" Jughead gestured at you and then turned to a very distracted Betty. She blinked a few times before nodded and smiling politely. "Totally."

"Anyway, its closing because the town owns it but didn't invest in it. so when an anonymous buyer made mayor McCoy an offer she couldn't refuse--" Veronica cut Jughead off again. "Anonymous buyer? What do they have to hide, No one cares." "I do!" Jughead retorted.

"I kind of do too, well more about the drive in closing than the person who bought it. I wont--" have anywhere to go when I cant deal with the big empty house.  "--I spend alot of time there." you catch yourself mid-thought. Jughead gives you that weird stare again like the first time you met in the gym. the weird 'I’m trying to figure you out not just looking at you' stare, after you chime in, and veronica and Kevin gave you half-hearted looks of curiosity.

Jughead breezed past it though. "Also, you guys should all come to closing night, Im thinking 'American Graffiti'. or is that too obvious?"

Veronica perked up at the slight topic change. "I vote anything starring Audrey Hepburn. Or Cate Blanchett." "Or the talented Mr.Ripley." Kevin added. "Betty, your choices?" Betty blinked like she had just woken up. "Everything OK, B?" Veronica asked. "Yeah, yeah. Im just thinking. um....Maybe 'Rebel without a cause?'" Everyone looked at you next, and you shrugged helplessly. "Rebel without a cause sounds good to me."

Veronicas mom came over and set down a basket of fried something or other in front of Veronica. Veronica smiled. "Thanks mom."

Kevin opened his mouth to bring up a new topic but was cut off by cheryl slamming her hand on top of Veronicas mothers a few tables over and glaring at her. "Be sure to put all* of that cash in the register. You are a Lodge, after all--" Veronica got up and started towards Cheryls table. "--and Lodges are known to have sticky fingers."

"oh no" you whispered under your breath. this had the possibility to be bad. "Cheryl." Veronica stated warningly, but her mother put up a finger to stop her.

"Honey I got this. Cheryl, I went to school with your mother. She didnt know the difference between having money and having class either." Veronica practically beamed with pride, while you tried to suppress a laugh at the look on Cheryls face. Veronica slid back into the booth just as the chime on the door jingled. 

Kevins eyes widened slightly, "now thats* an odd combo of people."  

The four of you followed kevins gaze and saw Archie, ms. Grundy, and Archies father walk through the door. "Ill be right back." Betty said while sliding out of the booth.

"Betty, no. dont." Jughead grabbed for Bettys arm but she was already on her way over to the group. You stared in confusion at Jughead and Bettys strong reaction to Archie and Ms.Grundy walking in together. She seemed nice enough, you didnt take any of her classes and didn't know her well you only really knew what Doily had revealed at the blue and Gold office. And then it clicked Archie had been AT Sweetwater river July fourth, and from what Dilton had told you so had Ms. Grundy, but you had never considered they were there together, that was so...oh god.

From the look of horror or shock on your face, Jughead seemed to follow your thought process and shot you a 'I'll explain later' look.

Kevin leaned back into his face his gaze flicking between you, Jughead, and Bettys retreating figure. "Wait, whats happening?" You and Jughead ignored him as you watched Betty and Archie exchange a few words and then head outside. You slid into Bettys now vacant seat next to Jughead to get a better view out the window. This was all about to come crashing down around Archies head, and like watching a trainwreck you couldnt look away. Even as unease and disgust was causing your stomach to flip.

"Whats happening out there? Do we know? Is it about me?" Veronica shot off rapid fire questions at Jughead as Kevin peered out the window. Jughead slumped down in his seat, his face contorted into unease. "I have a strong inkling and no, Also I'd let it go." "Yes, but you're you, and I'm me. You do you, girl. Ill be back." Veronica said while getting up from the booth with a lighthearted smile. "Veronica. You really should just let it drop." You added in an attempt to stop her from going.

Veronica just smiled at you mischievously and walked out the door into the parking lot. Jughead sighed and rolled his eyes. Kevin leaned in and looked at Jughead, "What was it like before she got here? I honestly cannot remember."

You laughed lightly, a slight hint of darkness clouding your eyes. "You mean Riverdale wasn't always straight out of a soap opera? Somehow I find that hard to believe." your words were dripping with sarcasm and a hint of bitterness.

Kevin just smiled awkwardly and turned his attention back to the window. You closed your eyes and leaned back into the vinyl of the seat and let out a long sigh. You were torn between just fleeing this insane town ASAP or punching Ms. Grundy in the face...or maybe just having her arrested...and then punching Archie in the face for once again being an idiot. All options sounded pretty good. When you opened your eyes Kevin was gone and Jughead was staring at you. "I'm not going to rat Archie out, Jughead. If thats what you're worried about somehow I think that would just hurt everyone worse." you offered quietly while switching to the other side of the booth.

"I wasn't worried about that. you just looked queasy." he replied. You sighed and ruffled a hand through your hair. "Student-teacher relationships Jughead. its sick. I know Archie is your friend, But its so, so,* wrong. And its all just about to get worse as far as I can tell." Jughead nodded and dropped his gaze down to the table. you grabbed a pen from the table and flicked it back and forth between your fingers, watching absentmindedly while it spun. An uneasy silence filled the air around the booth. "do you mind? if...if I hang out here for awhile longer? I dont want to go home yet." you asked quiety, your gaze on a small dent in the table. Jughead smiled, "As long as youre buying." he joked.

you grinned, "Paying you in food to hang out. its a little hookerish, but you have a deal Jones."

You grabbed your sketchbook that you had thrown in your backpack, and Jughead pulled out his laptop from his bag under the table. You both spent the next few hours in a comfortable silence, only talking occasionally to order a refill on a milkshake or get another round of food. At around 1am you finally had to tap out, your eyes were starting to close by themselves and it was getting harder for you to stay awake. You packed up your belongings and slipped on your jacket, Jughead looked up from his laptop. "Hey Jughead, I'm gonna head home now. My goldfish probably misses me." you smiled sleepily at your own semi-joke.

"Your goldfish, and not your parents?" Jughead asked. which would be a fair question, not many people would let their kid stay out so late.

"My goldfish is the only one missing me at home." you said quietly, your gaze averting from his. Jughead shut his laptop, before slipping it back into his bag.

"I know the feeling" Jughead said softly, his eyes cold. You didnt pry, it was obviously a touchy subject. So you grabbed your backpack and paid the tab the two of you had racked up shaking off the heavy tension, and headed towards the door, but Jugheads voice stopped you. "See you at school tomorrow (y/n)?" You smiled at him, "Count on it."

The next morning as you walked past the blue and gold offices an arm shot out and pulled you into the room. You stumbled and twirled around to see a nervous Betty wringing her hands, and waiting for you to get your bearings. "Betty! what the hell?" you said annoyed.

Betty looked around nervously before closing the door, "Sorry (y/n) I just need your help with something. I have something to tell you about Ms. Grundy and its--"

"That she and Archie are...dating?" you cut Betty off, cringing at the last word. She gaped at you, "You know about that?" You nodded, "I figured it out at pops the other night...wait, about that, is there something else?"

Betty walked over to her computer and gestured for you to follow, "Yeah look at this-" Betty pulled up a Bunch of tabs, all different social media accounts of Geraldine Grundy. "-everything about her was made around the same time, a year ago. before that Geraldine Grundy doesn't exist."

"...shit. Does Archie know?" you asked as ran a hand through your hair, sighing loudly..

"No. Im meeting him at Pops after school, I'm going to tell him then." Betty replied.

"Betty why are you telling me this?" "I just wanted a impartial third party to confirm that I wasn't being totally crazy about this social media thing." Betty said.

"Look Betty its super sketchy, but be careful. This whole Archie and Grundy bullshit is going to come crashing down Don’t get caught in the mess."

Later that day, you were sitting at the kitchen table working on biology homework when a knock sounded at your front door. You stood up from the wooden chair with a sigh and padded across the tiled kitchen floor into the living room, and then to the front door. You opened the door to see Jughead standing on your porch.

"I need your help, noone will listen to the concerns of one disgruntled employee, and you're the only other person in this town who cares the starlight is closing." he had his arms crossed, but his face was pleading. an odd mix of vulnerable and guarded.

"Hello to you too, yes this is a new shirt thanks for noticing, I'm also sorry for missing you at school." you paused but Jughead didn't respond. You sighed."Of course I'll help Jughead." You grabbed his arm and pulled him with you into the kitchen. "Do you have a plan?"

Jughead glanced around your kitchen, taking in the wood paneled floors and the weird mint green cupboards the previous owners had installed. "I want to appeal to Mayor McCoy directly, show her there are people other than addicts and thugs that frequent the drive in." Jughead started, but you cut him off.

"I take it im the 'people' in this scenario? you know for all you know I could be an addict AND a thug...I mean, I'm not. but wouldn't Betty be better for this? I’m kind of an unknown in this town."  you said sarcastically as you hopped up on your kitchen counter.

Jughead stared at you from across the room. "Bettys distracted with the whole Archie and Grundy thing-" You grimaced. "-But, it doesn't matter, Betty doesn't go to the drive-in. you do. So we'll show her normal highschool kids show up, not just Riverdales 'criminal element'."

You pushed yourself off the countertop and grabbed your jacket from the back of a wooden chair where you had flung it earlier. "Alright. lets go." You and Jughead walked side by side to city hall, going over your strategy. so far the plan was use you as a prime example of the twilights redeeming qualities and if that failed, wing it.

When you got to city hall, the mayors secretary waved you in while she chatted on the phone. You trailed behind Jughead. The mayor was moving around her office flipping through papers. "Mayor McCoy you cant close the Twilight Drive-in."  Jughead piped up before the mayor could say anything "Its a staple of this town!"  You nodded along.

She moved to stand behind her desk, "I'm sorry, but the Twilight Drive in? Its a blight thats become a cesspool! And a hangout for criminals and transients." she took a seat in the red leather chair and continued to flip through her papers. "And normal highschool students! Im there almost every weekend." You shot back from next to the scale model of the town. annoyance biting at your words. The mayor smiled at you tightly, like a parent trying to get their child to behave in public. "Look kids, The deals done. Andrews construction is set to demolish the lot on monday."

You narrowed your eyes slightly at her. You were pissed beyond belief, but you had no idea what to say. 

Jughead bit his lip and glanced down, bouncing slightly. He grabbed a chair and pulled it up to the mayors desk. "Mayor McCoy, when I was a kid, my family and I would go to the drive-in all the time.- " She finally put down her papers and crossed her arms, leaning on her desk, giving Jughead her full attention. "-We couldn't afford tickets for everyone...so my sister, Jellybean, and I would hide in the trunk until we parked. we'd sneak out." He shook his head slightly at the last part. your heart broke for him as he looked the mayor in the eye again, his expression pleading."It's like my home."

The mayor glanced away and then looked at him again. "Thats a very sweet sentiment, Mr. Jones. But the future of Riverdale is at stake." her expression and voice were almost kind, but there was an edge of condescension in every word. Jughead shook his head and stood up from the chair, heading straight for the door.

"Jughead!" you called after him. but he didn't stop. You turned to face the mayor and gave her the best glare you could manage before running after Jughead. You headed out the double doors of the mayors office to see Jughead disappearing around the corner, The floorboards creaked softly as you jogged to catch up with him.

"Jughead, wait!" you called after him again, your voice echoing through the empty hallway. He finally paused and turned to face you. "I'm sorry." you said, there was nothing else you could say. you could tell he was hurting, and you had no idea how to help.

"Thanks for trying." was all Jughead said before he walked away again. And this time you didn't follow. 

That Friday night you trailed behind Kevins truck in yours, his truck only had two seats so you had to take yours. He and Veronica parked and you took the spot next to them, the three of you immediately climbed out of your vehicles and started setting up the blankets. the spots around you started quickly filling up as just about every person in Riverdale arrived in the gravel lot for the Twilights final showing. 

Kevin and Veronica settled in as you pulled out your sketchbook, an empty page staring back at you, but you had a plan for it. You grabbed your pencil and started recording what you saw in graphite and paper, The twilights curtain call. The people of riverdale moving around you, the soft glow of the screen, casting everything in shadows. You knew things were happening around you; Cheryl climbing in with Kevin and Veronica, Bettys mom showing up and dragging off Archies dad. But you were focused on this scene, not anyone elses.  

For almost two hours you sketched, shaded, and erased. until you had something that reflected what you were trying to capture. You carefully tore it from your sketchbook as the movie began to roll the credits in the background. You folded the page and scrawled a note on the back.

'a little piece of home. --(y/n)'

As people started to pack up their things and go home, you walked to the projector house and looked at the paper in your hands again, the words on the back staring back at you as you slipped the drawing under the door and knocked, before turning and walking away to join the line of people leaving the drive in for the last time.

But even as you climbed into your truck, you couldn't shake the feeling the twilight drive-in wouldn't be the only thing changing in Riverdale.

Tags list: @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @deanackles67 @thejourneyofabrokenheart @bbyhansol143 @half-and-halfxx @yummyphoenix39 @scrolling-my-life away @littlefrenchbird

#secrets #chapter 4 #riverdale x reader #jughead jones x reader #jughead x reader #riverdale imagine #jughead jones imagine #jughead imagine #jughead reader insert #riverdale reader insert

[mentalvapors]

Kevin Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Back at it again. Geez, when I started my tumblr (back in 2014 I think) I had the intention to update it regularly, every week maybe. But I lost track of it, like already one week after I started it. I feel bad for not updating it. One of my biggest regrets in life is probably that I never had a diary, because my memory just keeps getting worse and worse at the moment, and when I talk to people they are able recall so many thing from their past and I don't even know how to do simple math I learned in 4th grade. I cannot remember a single event from 4th grade or elementary school in general.

Okay this is just me thinking things right now, but I also feel like the reason why I never had a diary or never bothered to write blog entries is because I'm not a creative writer. And I'm not smart and I have no skills whatsoever and it's even worse when I write English sentences. And some people actually have personality and talent to make the most trivial things sound interesting. And I just feel like a brain dead person slamming my phalanges furiously on a keyboard. But should I feel bad about it? Pretty much everyone shares their opinions on thoughts about everything on the internet nowadays. I should not care about how bland I sound to other people.

I really wanted to gather some thoughts why university didn't work out for me. I feel like I never … I tried to think about the reason why I failed, but most of the time I was in sad mode and blamed myself for everything, which always ended in a result that was not authentic to the truth and therefor not downright acceptable. And so I  never came to a real conclusion. I will try to think about it now, because I don't feel too depressed, so it should be fine, right? Right?

So first of all, going to university was mistake to begin with. It could have worked out, but the circumstances at that time were not optimal. In fact they were terrible. So it was kind of foolish to think I could pull that off, but there was also nobody who convinced me I couldn't.

A huge factor that made it hard for me to survive university was that every semester I felt some kind of anxiety because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Grades, classes, other students and just choosing things was very overwhelming. Very, very overwhelming. On some days I was just crying like the whole day, because I didn’t know what actually happens when I’m done with university. How to move on? I’ve always been a directionless wanderer, who didn’t know what he wanted to do in life. I just started university and it already felt pointless, like it would go nowhere and nevertheless I was moving on. One year passed, two years, three... and nothing changed. I collected a lot of credits (oh well... not enough for my creditors though) and still I couldn't figure out “why am I doing this?”.

My major was area studies and I wasn’t really enjoying it. I just felt lost and once again overwhelmed. This whole course of studies was missing a clear structure. Which was also the point of it: “Just go ahead and choose the things you have the most interest in”, like that kind of decree completely works against my own nature. I desperately need someone to tell me what to do. So helplessly I chose the most nonsense courses I could find. I signed up for Japanese class and it was so hard. The first semester examination I got only a fourteen, oops. I literally struggled so bad and nearly getting nothing accomplished the whole year and that’s why I ended up dropping that course and felt really bad. But I wanted to try it again, so I took the next semester very very light with only two classes, so of course that extended my university existence by some time. So many frustrating things happened during that time and to my minor, which was agricultural sciences. The readings ended up being not what I was looking for and the schedule really worked against my major.

Also some of the professors were really strict and set up their individual rules. For instance the Japanese teacher was incredibly strict. You could not miss her lessons and you could not be late. And at this time I really struggled with depression and I was crying and begging this woman I was like „I love this class, I’m trying so hard, please give me another chance next year“ and she said that it was OK and that I can be part of the class again, but a year later she was like „I changed my mind, get out“ and that was the point, where I started to give up and stopped trying, like, at all. But sometimes I would get a professor that I like and I would only have them for one semester, a lot of times I tried to take multiple classes with that person if the subject fulfilled credits for the same requirement, even though the class would not help to get a clear structure in my major. Like I took a lot of Mongolian classes. How would that help me with my Japanese Major? I don't know.

In addition I didn’t have an easy time making friends there. That’s another thing that can kinda be frustrating about university life to me. You see a lot of people who take one or two classes that you take as well and you kinda never see the same people. You develop relationships with people that are in the same class but after the semester; they’re gone. That was a big hurdle for me to jump through. I did not get used to it and I didn’t kinda like how everything felt so temporary.

None of the people I had contact with in my Japanese course did graduate by the way. All of them are still stuck somewhere. Some of them still have to pass Japanese class I (out of IV) and it has been four years since we signed up for it. Ideally you should be done with the whole thing in three years. So probably even if I managed to finish all of my major and minor courses, I would not be done with Japanese class yet, cause it's so damn hard and my creditor would get mad at me and I had cancel university either way.

So I was clueless and not doing very well and the worst part was probably that there is a lot of pressure in society (and creditors, student loan companies etc.) where they tell you „Okay you have to graduate from university in three years. Do it right. Know exactly what you want!“ and for a lot of people, including myself, this is not a realistic goal. It’s just not easy. I think it’s realistic if you fail something. I think perfection and expectation of perfection in society is really bizarre. The other thing I realized during this time was, unlike you’re going to be a doctor or a lawyer or in that sort of profession, you get a university degree and that’s awesome but how much practically do you use that degree? I wish I would have chosen something like business studies, because I think … just having more of an understanding of topics like that, would have been helpful throughout my life, especially more than the area studies.

So these are some aspects that turned university into my personal nightmare, but the truth or a big part of it is, that university just felt inconvenient. I'm a lazy piece of shit; I never felt the need to study for any exam, but spoiler: in university you won't survive without it. You need to know how to study. Studying is actually a skill, I didn't know that, now I learned the hard way.

So all I have for now is my shattered university past, a scary student loan debt mountain haunting me every night and also no job. Unemployed for over a year now. I don't know if this will ever change. The worst part of it is I feel like I'm not doing enough to get out of this misery. In fact I do nothing. I want to change but like 90% of my time I have no faith and feel hopeless and that nothing will ever work out for me.

I need to get a whole load of things off my chest first in order to move one. Also I need to find the English setting for my good friend OpenOffice because right now everything is red underlined and it's low key driving me crazy. (…) All right, I found it. Also I'm not gonna grammar correct or spellcheck anything. It's just lines I write down to remind myself of a few things and I have to get this all out before I forget it. So screw editing it!

The last few days I started to do shit I usually hate doing. It's not like I'm a messy person, but cleaning my room felt suddenly more important than ever before. I also stitched up my curtains, even though I was okay with them being way too long for years. And I built two shelves, because we had a few old planks in our yard and my walls were so empty, they felt like prison cell walls to me, so I thought “yes of course SHELVES”. They look fantastic and I'm proud of myself because I made something useful, but they remind my that I spend my time not the way I'm supposed to. They make me feel bad every time I look at them and I look at them a lot, cause they're hanging on my wall.

Yesterday I set up autumn decorations even though it is kinda too early. I also already did some of the Halloween decorations. I always get into a spooky mood, as soon as the weather gets colder, because it feels like authentically fall. I have to wear sweaters or long sleeves because I'm so cold all the time.

Also I found a keyboard in the room of the guy that lived with us, but who is dead now and I remembered how I have always wanted to learn to play piano. But I don't know if I would be very good at it. I feel like the older I get the less focus I have with things. And I also feel just like I don't ever really sit down and like do anything.

Anyway, the dead guy's name was Lutz and he died in April because of cancer. He and my mom shared the rent for the house we live in, so fifty percent of the rent fee is missing since he died. Our landlord is really mad, because he wants the money from us now and we do not have it and Lutz's family doesn't want to pay off his debts either. It's a pretty dire situation and my mom's lawyer sucks and gradually makes our dilemma worse and worse and she doesn't realize it. I don't know what comes next, my mom never talks about these things and a part of me also doesn't want to know. I'm dealing with a lot of things myself and I wish I could close my eyes and vanish from the surface of this planet forever. Just like the Avatar did. The cool one, not that James Cameron Pocahontas plagiarism. But I'm afraid this is not how it works. Suicide would be an option. But I'm just too much of a coward.

To give up or to not give up on life. Fighting the desire to just lie down and die gets harder each day. It already has been hard for a long time now. I know people get homeless. Maybe I am in that exact position right now. I never thought about it. But maybe there is a high chance that it'll happen to me next, unless I do something, even if it already might be too late. I know I can't change the mind of my mom, she will stay here, in this building, until she gets thrown out under legal authority. And I knew about this since a long time and I definitely already could have done something about it as well, like trying harder to find a new place and job, but … depression … and I chose not to. That's just the reality situation.

But I really need to get on with looking for a job now (the hardest thing though is to overcome my “little” procrastination thing whenever I'm about to do it). Two years of therapy gave me enough time to reflect and figure out what I possibly could do and maybe I really can do two or three things, besides lying in bed all day. The biggest issue right now is my low self-esteem. If you never had a real job in your whole life, you will obviously have a hard time to believe in your own abilities. This is what I got criticized for when I worked as Concierge last summer “Sorry, you're too insecure about your actions” and at job interviews I get told “You don't really convince me that you want this job”. And yeah how can I convince anyone I'm able to do something I never did before without straight up lying to their face? I guess if I want to apply for job, I need to put on a mask made of confidence and lies.

My psychiatrist once told me, that my only chance to get a job is social connections (his social connections). I already talked about how I became “friends” with my therapist some time ago. His intentions didn't feel honest to me and everyone else saw this, like, big red flag and yelled at me, to give up on this attachment, but I am weak and I don't have anyone else I can talk to. I gave him another chance and he invited me and said that we should travel to Thailand together. And I was against it, honestly, like from the beginning. But you know, he is a manipulative piece of shit and I really wanted to see Thailand, because I probably wouldn't get another chance like this, in my whole life. So I thought: how horrible can it be to fly to Thailand for two weeks, with your psychiatrist? Turns out it can be pretty horrible. He was watching me all the time, he was watching what I was eating, when I was messaging on Whatsapp. I never had two minutes for myself, he even came into the bathroom while I was changing, he was telling me what to do, when to cross the street, he dictated absolutely everything. So on day three I called him out and he said “Okay then let's fly back home” and of course I know he wanted me to beg him to stay here and that I would do better and follow his orders, cause he pays for everything. But I said “Fine, let's fly back home” and we walked to the travel agency in Thailand and the lady at the counter said a ticket back home today would be around 8,000$ each. He told the lady that we need to talk and would come back in an hour, if we still consider to book the tickets, but I didn't want to take anymore of his crap. So he had to book the tickets and I didn't talk to him the whole 24 hours we needed to get back to Germany, he tried to discuss this situation the whole time, even tried to convince me to travel with him again; this time to the Netherlands for the weekend because “It'll work out better than Thailand”. There is so much more stuff that happened, but I'm not going to elaborate more, at this point I'm so tired of all of this. I'm just glad I finally wrote it down and decided that this friendship was not good for me. Better late than never.

Oh and the worst part is, I also feel like I didn't make any progress in this two years of therapy. I didn't achieve anything, I just wasted time. I'm so annoyed and mad at myself.

All that stress I had the last few months or maybe years and the frustration and the anger I feel every day, caused my autoimmune disease to flare up again.

Short backstory: I noticed a bald patch in my beard area in 2015 and one year later it spread on my head and it was just awful. I had the worst time back then, my dog died, my relationship went to shit, I lost my job as Concierge, I felt like university was going nowhere and my hair started to fall out and it was not a cute look. I had a plum sized spot on the left side, the right side and on top of my head and two spots that molted into one big spot at the back. I went to a dermatologist, he said it's called Alopecia Areata and he told me to put some ointment on it and I did. But nothing changed. I was really desperate, I had a mental break down, including ugly crying in the shower, shaving my head, mental hospital, the whole program. I had a hard time to accept the “bald truth”.

On Youtube I found a channel, run by a girl named Stella, who made several videos about her struggle with Alopecia Areata (she wasn't the only one btw, but she was the first one who seemed genuine and did not try to sell some fake products. There are so many people on the internet, who use other people’s desperation to make themselves richer, it's crazy). In one of her videos she described how she overcame this disease with the help of the AIP diet and I was so amazed. She had all of her hair back and the solution is a diet? I was crying my eyes out for month and it's that simple? Sign me up I thought as I looked a few things up on the internet and basically AIP diet means just allowed to eat warm water. Doesn't actually matter if it's warm or not. No, but seriously almost every food is forbidden on AIP. No bread, rice, potatoes, eggs, diary, sugar, tomatoes, nuts, alcohol, fruits, nothing. All you can eat is meat and green stuff. I started in November and it was exhausting from the beginning. I felt hungry all the time and was craving for something sweet. It's funny how I can go without sugar right now for days, but when you're not allowed to have it, it's all you want. But I was missing coffee the most.

Anyway, after one month of AIP I recognized some white hair on my left patch, and a week later a few pigmented hairs. On Christmas all of my patches had small pigmented hairs growing in (except my beard, which is only thin white hairs until today) and I'm having the worst grammar right now. It's 1 a.m. Anyway during that time I felt amazing, the bald patches were still recognizable, but I felt relieved that my hair came back and I wouldn't go bald.

By march I had all my hair back and I gave a lot of credit to the diet, but also stopped the diet the same month, because although I got all my hair back, I realized that I could not live with all these restrictions forever. The AIP diet was not designed for people with AA. It was made to figure out what kind of food causes your inflammatory, but it's impossible to tell when you have AA. You can't take a bite of a tomato and be like “Oh yeah I feel it, this makes my hair fall out”. Even though a lot people in these self help groups write things like “Oh. My. Gosh. I was just drinking a cup of milk and suddenly my whole scalp was itchy”. Yeah girl, because you wanted it to be itchy. You are desperate and want to find the cause and you want it to stop. And all of this happens, even if your are not aware of it. And blaming certain kinds of food is easy, but dumb. It worked for me, but just because I thought it does. For 4 months I ate vegetables and meat on max, because Stella said it helped, she had proof and I saw it, so I thought it would help me too.

April was again a really hard time for me. My therapist was playing games, my family stressed me out, Lutz died, still no job, my personal financial crisis. And then one day I felt a smooth spot behind my right ear as I was sitting in a train and I was like “Oh god, please no, god no no no no no...”. . I recognized a tiny spot at the back of my head before, but I was hoping it was nothing, I didn't want it to be true, now with a second patch I realized Alopecia is back to haunt me.But this time I wanted it to be different. I would not let it take control of my actions again. So I made an appointment at a hairdresser and I was surprised he never heard of AA before as I told him what was going on on my head. As he was shaving the back of my head he pointed out that there actually a few more spots than expected. I accepted it. There's nothing I can do about anyway.

I revisited Stella's Youtube channel and she posted a video update. Her Alopecia came back as well, even though she was still following the AIP diet. So there was no doubt left, that the diet had little to do with the regrowth of my hair. Stella's video and her blog was again so inspirational.

The cure for Alopecia is: there is no cure. It's your emotions. It's sadness, it's anger and stress. This is easy and hard to accept at the same time. I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I can accept this as the one truth. At the moment all of the spots are on the backside of my head, which is good. I mean they are there; but at least I can't see them. The one behind my right ear is as big as my ear right now. And it worries me tbh. Last year I documented the progress of the spots and took pictures every week. Because I was so excited to see my hair grow and I wanted to see the proof that it really happens. I don't know if I should do this again. Stella said the best way to deal with this situation is simply “to not give a shit”.

And that might be true. But I know, currently it is impossible for me to reach this peace of mind. Everything's a mess right now and I feel like I can't do life and no matter how less I care about my hair, bald spots will spread nevertheless. I have to change my environment first, before I can move on mentally. And this will be frustrating. Searching for a job, having job interviews with bald spots all over my head, probably getting rejected because of it, getting more bald spots, it will be hell but I guess... it is what it is.

It's hard when you’re in a dark place and when your family sucks, and you're like in that mind set where everything is awful. Just taking that one little step up uphill is the hardest part. Maybe writing all of this down finally is a sign that I wildly succeeded and that I can keep going. Or maybe it was just another reason for me to procrastinate again. Who knows?

Well I wish I could end this post on a high note. It's 3am right now and  there was an episode of “Married... with children” on TV and it was about Kelly being the first female Bundy with a job and she worked at a diner. They made it look like being a waitress is the easiest thing in the world, but Kelly was totally overwhelmed by everything and it was just too real. Too relatable. On her first day as a waitress “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” was playing in the background and I will remember this on my first day of work and it'll empower me to try my best, like Kelly Bundy did. You know, be the best Kelly Bundy you can be.

#a whole day has passed and I did nothing but to write this text #but I feel the sense of accomplishment right now #welcome to my brain #this is just me trying to get things done #and semi failing #also the title of this entry is a reference to that married ... with children episode #which was called 'Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore' #which is a reference to some other show's title #it's like title inception