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megistusdiary · 7 hours

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𝙜𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙣 𝙬𝙡𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙨 ༊*·˚

i wanted to make another silly combo post, so here we are. just a dump of ideas about genshin wlw threesomes i'd love to see ♡

warnings: smut (mdni), fem!reader, wlw content, threesomes, straps, blowjobs, cunnilingus, blindfolds, bondage

long post utc

1. jean and navia

"so pretty." navia coos, stroking your cheek, tilting your chin up to meet her gaze. your eyes flit downwards, looking at jean kneeling between your legs, two fingers pressed into you.

navia smiles gently, kissing your forehead as she tugs at the hem of your shirt. "can i take this off?" she asks you, and you nod for her, letting her pull it over your head.

jean sucks on your clit, pulling your attention back to her as you let out a sharp gasp. your thighs threaten to close around her head, but she maintains a soft hold on them, keeping you in place.

she looks up at you, leaning back to lick a slow stripe up your pussy. she kisses your clit gently, standing up. "i think she's ready." jean tells navia who gives her a giddy smile.

they ease you down onto the bed, the three of you stripping down completely as jean settles behind you while navia preps her strap. you eye it cautiously, noting that while its girth seems smaller, the length is rather precarious.

jean senses your hesitancy, gently turning your cheek to face her. "it's okay, we'll be gentle." she whispers, kissing your cheek. her hands trail across your body, teasing your breasts as her lips meet yours.

navia runs the faux cock across your pussy, collecting the slick leaking from you. she strokes the silicone, spreading your sticky wetness over the material, the sound penetrating the air.

jean can feel the heat of embarrassment blooming beneath your skin and she pulls away, letting you catch your breath. "there's no need to be shy."

"we think it's cute." navia pipes up, pushing your thighs up to spread you out. "so pretty." she smiles at you, blue eyes sparkling. she waits for you to nod at her, allowing her to press into you.

jean feels one of your hands gripping her biceps, the other clawing at the bedsheets. she slides her left hand to yours, clasping them together to keep you grounded.

your hand grips hers tightly, face turning to push into her shoulder while navia eases into you. they praise you so sweetly, telling you how beautiful you look, how good you are for them, how pretty you look under them.

jean feels you melt against her, trembling once navia's pelvis touches yours. "good girl." and you can't even tell who's talking anymore.

2. dehya and beidou

"oh, fuck. that's it, sweetheart." beidou grunts, her hand firmly gripping your head while you choke on her thick strap. she adores your little noises: every time you gag, when you whimper, when your hands feebly grip her thighs. you're just so cute.

"taking our captain here like such a good girl, huh?" dehya grins, fixing her own strap to her pelvis, opening the bottle of oil from the table. she slides her hand across the material of the faux cock on her waist.

your eyes flit between beidou and dehya, your nose pressed to the captain's pelvis, tufts of hair tickling your skin. she pets your head, pushing you to take more of her.

dehya takes you by surprise, propping your hips up and spreading your thighs for her. she slides her still slick fingers over your pussy, laughing. "archons, she's dripping, beidou."

your face heats up with embarrassment, whining around the cock stuffed down your throat. beidou shushes you sweetly, petting your head and keeping you firmly on her cock.

dehya's fingers slide into you from behind, and you moan, fingers digging into beidou's muscular thighs as your eyes flutter shut with the stretch.

"how's she feel?" beidou asks, shallowly fucking your throat.

"tight. loosen up a little for me." she pats your ass, crooking her fingers into your g-spot, gently rubbing against it as your feet kick against the bed. she gently eases you into an orgasm, a strange contrast to how roughly beidou is treating your throat.

once you've come back down from your high, dehya's strap is sliding over your sensitive cunt, rubbing circles into your clit. her thumbs spread your folds open, smirking at how you clench around nothing from the way she exposes you.

she slides the faux cock in at the same time beidou pulls out just to hear you scream, face falling to the bed. once you've caught your breath, beidou is back to fucking your throat.

they maintain their pace together, keeping you full at one end (at least) at all times. your hands claw at the bedsheets, tears pooling in your eyes as they fuck you harder.

it's clear how they enjoy your squirming, cooing about how cute you are, how adorable their pretty girl is. how precious you are when you come for them.

dehya angles herself directly into your g-spot, feeling you tighten up around her and tremble on the bed. she slides out carefully, leaning down to kiss the back of your neck. "made such a mess of my cock, you should see it." she whispers to you as you whimper.

beidou pulls you off her cock, eyeing your spit coating her as she wraps a hand around her base, spreading the glossy spit. she lifts your chin up to face her with a grin. "don't fall asleep on us just yet, i still get my turn to fuck you."

3. xianyun and ningguang

"sweetheart, be still for miss xianyun." the tianquan chastises you, and the older woman smiles, holding you against her chest.

"that's alright, lady ningguang. one is rather... adept at handling misbehavior." xianyun reaches down and pinches your clit with the bends of her fingers to ensure you avoid her talons.

you sink lower on the strap she's buried into you. "my, you really are talented." ningguang comments, balancing her pipe in her left hand.

xianyun smiles, holding your thighs open and bouncing you on her faux cock, hearing you whine with each little thrust. "it comes with time. though, i've heard plenty of rumors about the tianquan's very own affairs."

ningguang laughs, taking a drag of her pipe, blowing the smoke into your face, setting it off to the side. "fair enough. i've had my share of traipsing around with pretty women. but you've reduced her to a babbling little toy." she hums, cupping your cheek.

you nuzzle into her touch so sweetly, looking up at her with soft eyes.

"as one has said before, there is much we can all stand to learn, and one is happy to share with you." xianyun bounces you harder, hips thrusting up into you as you cry a mix of their names. "go on, you've been a good girl." she whispers, and, like a trained puppy, you cum around her, shaking in her lap.

xianyun eases you through the rest of your orgasm before sliding you off her strap and into ningguang's lap instead. "aren't you a pliant little thing for us?" ningguang slides her thumb over your lip, watching your tongue dart out over the pad of her finger. she smirks, sliding it into your mouth and holding your tongue down.

xianyun eases you up, grinding you over ningguang's strap, coating the material in the remnants of your orgasm, letting you hear the wet noises of your own slick. when she slides into you, the stretch leaves you reeling.

it's not quite as long as xianyun, but she's chosen a much thicker cock, and you grasp desperately at her shoulders, head tipping back onto xianyun's chest.

ningguang bounces you in a similar manner to xianyun, but different enough that it feels novel. her pelvis grinds into your clit everytime your hips meet hers, and xianyun ensures you feel it by grinding your body down onto the tianquan.

xianyun's fingers dance up your throat, tugging your head closer to kiss her while ningguang watches rather amused. xianyun is tender but firm, holding your jaw in her taloned grip.

ningguang grinds the tip of her strap into your g-spot, feeling you tighten up around her, babbling into xianyun's mouth, begging to cum. merciful as she is, she gives you permission, feeling you soak her cock and drip down onto her pelvis.

they coo at you, petting your head and commending you on being their perfect little pet. and just when you think they're finished, ningguang slides you back to xianyun, fixing her strap and standing to slide it over your lips while xianyun's tip pops back into your pussy.

"such a good girl for us. but so messy." ningguang tuts. "clean up your mess, sweet girl." she grips your head, sliding her dick into your mouth while xianyun slides back into you.

the sensation at the same time along with the taste of yourself on ningguang is all too much. you sniffle and tear up when she teases the back of your throat while they use you, but it only seems to amuse and goad them on.

you are their perfect toy, after all.

4. yae miko and yelan

"you know, i'm quite partial to red and pink, but i can't deny how... fetching blue looks on her." miko mused, running a hand up the blue rope tied on your thigh.

the blindfold blocks you from seeing either woman, but yelan laughs. "what can i say? i know what my girl looks good in."

"oh, your girl? is that so?" miko asks, and you whimper when she leans down over you. "is that true? are you hers?"

before you can answer, yelan is on your other side. "you know the right answer, don't you?"

both women are equally menacing in their own right, and you feel overwhelmed. "i- i'm... both... both of yours." your voice trembles, and the women lean up, saying nothing before laughing.

"what a little slut. playing around with two women like this." miko tuts.

"wouldn't be surprised if we're not the only ones." yelan scoffed and you cry out at them.

"no! just you, i swear-" your voice is cut off into a soft wheeze when someone's hand closes around your throat.

"you speak when spoken to, pet." miko warns, leaning down to nip at your shoulder with sharp teeth. she turns you over onto your front, adjusting the ropes to have your face shoved into the pillows while your ass was perked up for them.

"aww, look at you. all wet for us like an eager little pet." miko slaps your clit with her palm, enjoying your little whimpers and futile squirming. her fingers slide into you briefly before withdrawing, and then you feel them pressed onto your lip. "open." she commands, sliding the slick digits over your tongue.

you feel someone else's fingers on your cunt, pinching your clit before sliding two into you, making you moan around the ones in your mouth.

you assume it's yelan, fucking you rather harshly with her fingers, squeezing your thighs and slapping your ass while miko slides onto the bed in front of you.

she cradles your head, pulling your blinded body closer to her, making you kiss her pussy and feeling you moan against her. "oh, good girl, come on, eat me out." she coos and you feel yelan shove your head down.

"go on. that's what you're made for, isn't it?" yelan snaps, letting miko use your tongue, getting your cheeks and lips all messy.

yelan busies herself with sliding three fingers into you now, letting you hear the sounds of your own slick being pushed in and out before she robs you of your orgasm. you pull away to try and beg her, but miko is quicker, shoving you back down to her cunt and effectively silencing you.

yelan taps the tip of her strap onto your cunt, smacking it loud enough for the three of you to hear.

"isn't that a little big for our poor little pet?" miko gasps, faux sympathy for you in her voice as she grinds herself on you like you're her toy.

yelan grips your head, pulling you up and hearing you pant softly. "what do you think, pet? am i too big for you?" she asks.

"no, no! i can take it!" you wail. "please, please fuck me-"

your back arches, and you scream when yelan slides completely in, feeling you clench around her while the women above you delight in your squirming and crying behind your blindfold.

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yoruuuuuuu12345 · 3 days

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— eren boyfriend texts

synopsis: Regular bf texts with pookie

a/n: highly recommend listening to the songs they are bangers. I’m also a sucker for mid hair eren he doesn’t leave my brain AT ALL.

no i’m not a jean hater it was for the sake of this✨

#eren x reader #eren jaeger #attack on titan #aot smau #aot x reader #eren smau #attack on titan x reader #jean x reader #mikasa x reader #levi x reader #armin x reader #smau #text messages #i love eren yeager

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heliiacus · 2 days

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tags: armin x reader, a touch of dark armin, protective armin, hurt/comfort

warnings: reader was injured (off-page; no details), contusions

Armin protects those important to him; you know that much. You're just not sure how far he is willing to go. request by @layla240 ; "Who did this to you? I just want to talk to them." | prompt list

word count: 350

You had never been scared of Armin. He is capable; you know that much – and of many things, in fact. But his demure, almost sunshine-like nature sits flushly at the forefront of your image of him, and, above all things, what you feel foremost when you are in his presence is safe.

And you got hurt, this time. Streaks of purple upon your skin, nary unhideable and inescapable, and you knew, clearly, that he would see it – you knew that he would be concerned, you knew that he would stop you to look at it; his fixating, immobilising gaze pulling you taut as he would analyse the mar on your skin.

It is not like you are afraid of him now – you would never, not of him; but a whiplash, you firmly believe, is in order.

“Who did this to you?"

It's not the way he says it. It's not the way his fingers twitch, just a fraction, against your skin. It's not the way he stills, so stringent and sudden; his muscles seizing into a freeze that pulls all of your attention to him.

It's the way his eyes shift: this swirling, unfamiliar shadow crossing over his irises, turning the ocean within his gaze into a strange, desolate river. It makes you think, just briefly, of the fate of the one who had put their hands on you.

Ensnared in his question, your breath baits the answer in your throat, and it stutters, audibly so; it makes Armin sigh, his eyelashes fluttering for just a moment, and then he leans closer – ever so slightly, the distance meagre and menial, but you feel your body shift with it, succumbing to the attention he demands of you. You watch him, you watch his expression shift between a cold anguish to a hot grief, and suddenly his hand is at your cheek, warm and soothing.

Then he speaks again; quieter, this time – more careful. "Who did this to you?" He asks of you, and as your lips part around the words, you know that you have no choice of keeping the answer to yourself.

dividers by saradika

tag list: @arlerts-angel @levistealeaf

@sukunascrustyfinger @chiinni

@nilaaaas @ryoiii

@dilfkentolover @arminarlertssword

@bel-https @layla240

@katestrophes @er3nscottonpicker

@siiyoko @lemontrees-things

@arminarlertspersonalnurse @dvrkfverie

@girlybelle @blvewave

reblogs are dearly appreciated, angels 💗 i'll be slowly chipping away at the remaining requests in my ask box !! thank you so much for requesting so many different things, i am beyond happy <33

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amphibiahawks321 · 2 days

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Amber : Hey Y/N!-......

M!Reader : Oh! Hey amber! ^v^

Amber : ......

M!Reader : Hm? What?

Amber : What's going on here?

[Shows Y/N carrying a sleeping Jean]

M!Reader : She did a bunch of paperwork all night yesterday 💧^v^

Amber : Sighs Again?

M!Reader : Sighs Again...

[Y/N kiss Jean's cheek]

M!Reader : She seriously needs some sleep💧￣v￣

#male reader #reader x genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #jean gunnhildr x reader #reader x jean gunnhildr #jean gunnhildr #genshin impact jean gunnhildr #Genshin impact jean #jean x reader #reader x jean

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stxrrydreamss · 4 months

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“Did you hit?” “She’s so bad.” “Was it good?”

“No. She fell asleep in my arms knowing she’s safe from guys like you.”

Armin, Jean, Levi, Kirishima, Izuku, Bakugo, Hawks, Aizawa, Senku, Gen, Tsukasa, Saeyoung, Saeran, Zen, Jumin, V, Yoosung

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erwinsmithsmissingleftarm · 5 months

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Just imagine your man calling his cock "candy" and not telling you what it really means.

Like you were just having a normal lunch with him when he carefully whispered into your ear.

"Wanna eat something sweet after? I got a candy and thought you would like to have it for dessert." His voice is low and slightly hoarse.

Your eyes widen from the excitement and you nod quickly your head. You can't help but wonder how that candy would taste like. Is it strawberry flavor? Blueberry? Or maybe watermelon? God, you can't remember the last time you actually ate a candy since you are not a child anymore.

After finishing your meal, you grabbed his hand excitedly.

"Come on, let's go eat that candy!"

Your boyfriend can't help but chuckle at your innocent. Seriously, you are way to adorable and naive for you own good. He quietly smiles and lead you to your shared room. As you close the door behind you, you hear an unzipping sound.

"Uh... what are you doing?" You ask softly.

He does not even reply, only turning around and sitting on the bed. His legs are spread, only in boxers when you notice the growing bulge in his underwear. He chuckles at your shocked face.

"What, I thought you wanted a dessert?"

"That's way better than a dessert..." You whisper before approaching him with a lustful face.

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

Levi, ERWIN, Jean, TOJI, Nanami, Gojo and any other men you like

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porcalinecunt · 2 months

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𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋. ♡

🎀 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ thinking about aot men who’d be the softest doms ever . . .

·˚ ◌༘͙[featuring] ! ˊ 𝐉𝐄𝐀𝐍 𝐊𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐈𝐍, 𝐄𝐑𝐖𝐈𝐍 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐓𝐇, 𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐈 𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍, 𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐈𝐍 𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐓

cw — fem!reader. size kink (erwin) body worship (jean, levi) praise kink. lots of breedings. edging, fingering, some nipple play (levi) sub!armin (implied)

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ author’s note! : hi hi! it’s been a while since i made an actual post here. apologies! life got busy, but i finally have time to make fics again :D there might be some changes on this account but we’ll see! anyways, please enjoy and feedback is welcomed! 🤍

➸ jean kirstien.

he’s already so much of a sweetheart, so it’s not shock he’s carry that to the bedroom. he’s needy but slow, as it’d be way too easy to accidentally hurt you. the size difference aroused yet made him a bit nervous. (the first time was quite a hassle!) nonetheless, jean gave you the fuckin’ princess treatment every time the both of you would get intimate. kissing every inch of your body while caressing your hips with his large hands. he’d gently lay your down, not pulling away from the sloppy kiss the two of you are engaging in. did i mention that this man is huge? he adores watching you struggle to take him completely, squirming and whining as he stretches your smaller cunny inch by inch.

“j-jean..’s too big!” you whined, watching through glassy eyes as your boyfriend hovered over you, sinking himself deeper and deeper into your weeping cunt. your legs twitch in a failing attempt to keep them open, something jean would immediately notice. “does it hurt babe?” he asked in a groan, hazel eyes carving holes into yours through hooded lids. you could only shake your head as he took it as a confirmation to bottom himself out. your eyes rolled to your brain and your jaw went slack as jean watched in awe. “look at you..taking it so well f’me.” he sighed, slowly beginning to pump you full as ecstasy filled your senses. the only thing you could hear were jean’s sweet praises, telling you how much of a good little girl you were for taking him so well and patiently. your head grew hot as the feeling of his dick stuffing you full began to overwhelm you. “good little girl, always taking my dick so well..fuck you’re so cute!”

➸ erwin smith.

oh my god. erwin. what more can i say, he’s a gentleman in bed! anything you ask for, he will do without hesitation. want him to knock you up? done. want some head? he’s already on his knees. sad after a rough day? he’ll stuff your cunny full until your filled n happy. anything your heart desires, he’ll give it to you with all the adoration he has for you. ♡ even better when you realize how big he is. how he can easily pick you up and fuck you silly in mid air if he really wanted to. even better, how massive his fucking dick is, enough to make your mouth water just by the thought of it.

“e-erwin!” you whined, watching your husband’s face as he stared down at you. a gaze full of softness and love, a stark contrast to how he was treating you. a smile to his wife while fucking her slutty pussy like an attention deprived whore. “how did i get so lucky? what did i do to deserve such a beautiful girl as my wife..” he breathily chuckled, fucking into you at a slightly faster pace. erwin started down at you, from your flustered smile to your breasts and stuffed cunt, every last detail on you brought him closer to the edge. “good girl..my good girl. you deserve every inch i give you..”

➸ levi ackerman.

contrary to popular belief, levi isn’t the mean and rough dom many make him out to be (still adore that levi tho!) but rather, a gentle and passionate type of dom. he’s not the most romantic, but oh boy, when he is..buckle up. this man will treat you like your his final meal on death row, savoring every inch of flesh you have on your body. kissing you from your lips to your clit, muttering sweet nothings while pumping his slender fingers inside your cunny. he sings his praises when he’s balls deep in you, calling you names like ‘princess’ and ‘darling’, anything that fills your stomach with butterflies if its not his cock. your legs are already trembling from his voice alone, not helping the fact his groans are fuckin’ perfection.

“settle down princess, i barely did a thing.” levi carassed your breast with one hand while finger fucking you with the other. all he needed was two fingers and his wrist as he flicked it with a quickened pace that almost forced your thighs shut from shock and pleasure. while your mouth was closed, tiny whines still manage to spill through as your husband’s thumb moved it’s way to your clit, adding to the overstimulation. with his other hand, he tugged and played with your nipple while letting go just to take a gentle squeeze to your whole breast. you’re thighs shook as your orgasms reaches closer and you grabbed the coller of levi’s loose shirt for support. “‘s becoming too much princess? you wanna cum all over my fingers?” he spoke in a gentle and low tone, making you nod eagerly to his question. “How cute, shit—if only I could do this everyday.”

➸ armin arlot.

armin armin armeeen! <3 you already know what kind of man he is. his partner’s pleasure is a priority he takes very seriously, from letting you choose the position to making sure you orgasm first before he spills his seed inside you. he gives you princess treatment even after sex, not letting up until you knock out from exhaustion. he fucks you like your a goddess, hitting every sensitive spot in your while singing his praises. he wants, no, needs to see you cum around his cock as it’ll make the night worth it. he won’t lie, seeing you whimpering and shamelessly getting off to him servicing you never fails to push him over the edge and nearly fuck a baby in you. this man is a keeper!

“t-this good enough for you..?” armin sighed, watching you take in his dick inch by inch until you’ve completely sat down on it. “y-yeah..fuck you’re huge..!” you whined out, grabbed his thighs and trying your best to move while the overwhelming pleasure had you shaking. the blonde placed his hands on the plush of your hips, firmly holding it as he lifted you up from his cock before slamming you back down on it. a yelp tore from your throat, nails digging into the flesh of his thigh and your eyes screwed shut from the sharp pleasure. “right there! armin fuck..!” you mewl as he guided your hips, slamming his cock in and out of you at the pace you desired the most. his blue eyes peered through his bangs as he grew redder and redder from the expression you wore so beautifully. mouth parted open in an ‘o’ shape with slightly arched eyebrows, pink washed over your face with red sitting right on your cheeks. fuck, he was insatiable. “yes..just like that love, just like you wanted. always taking it like the good girl you are. ♡”

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doestalker · 1 year

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the reader must serve cunt regardless of gender or lack of it

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berrygrls · 7 months

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men who eat you out like they have been starving for a millennia, who eat it like madmen, your juices all over his chin, even after you finish multiple times, even when you writhe and squirm, trying to escape the relentless treatment of his experienced tongue, he doesn’t stop, ever. As he stakes his claim over you, and you let him, because it’s just too good not to, mindlessly submitting your body, your very being to him.

—

SUGURU GETO!!! eren, jean, satoru, nanami, dazai, chūya, tengen, KYOJURO , douma, sanemi, sanji, shanks, sully

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theragethatisdesire · 11 months

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aot men as dads - headcanon!! some 18+!!

includes: eren, jean, reiner, & levi

i'm still working on some full-fledged one-shots and parts of my series', but i'm nannying for the summer and have BABY FEVER. please enjoy my little headcanons of my fav aot men as dads <3

DISCLAIMER: some of this post contains MATURE CONTENT that is intended only for those over 18. if you are a minor, please do not read below the cut.

Eren

ok but eren is such a cringe dad lol

buys himself all of the #1 Dad! merch. he’s got mugs, tshirts, hats, all of it, and all of it went on his credit card.

10000% a girl dad. loves all the little dresses and bows; he puts your daughter’s hair in its first bun, nearly tears up when she points at his matching hairstyle and babbles “like da-da!”

you have to parent eren as much as the children. when you turn the corner into the living room where he’s supposed to be having “quiet time” with your toddler only to find that they’re buried in a pillow fort and eren’s signed his own name in crayon on the wall next to your daughter’s scribblings. “babe, we can just repaint it! she’s being creative.”

loves when you’re pregnant. after your first, eren keeps a calendar on the wall marking off the days until it’s safe for him to fuck you again, fuck a baby right back into you. already has a breeding kink before your first. develops a lactation kink after.

TERRIFIED (and i mean terrified) of hurting your little angel. has absolutely zero concept of “cry it out”; if he hears his baby crying, he’s sprinting into the next room, kissing a nonexistent boo-boo.

refuses to admit it but he has no backbone when it comes to your daughter wanting literally anything. she wants it, she gets it.

favorite thing in the world is matching outfits. favorite. “babe, where’s her green hoodie? i’m wearing mine today for the park!” “of course it matters, we have to match! on that note, where’s yours?”

lets your daughter use his hair to learn how to braid. usually has a few pink hair ties or glittery clips sticking out of it when you come home from a mom’s night out.

really big on your baby getting to see the world. drags you on vacation to any place he can think of, even as you try to explain to him that she can’t form any long term memories yet. “but baby, she’ll have pictures. how many kids in her class can bring a picture of them at the eiffel tower to their first show-and-tell?”

accidentally ruins santa and the tooth fairy for your daughter. cries harder than she does over it.

aggressively vets babysitters. ends up settling for a nursing student in the labor & delivery school who’s the oldest of seven children and probably more knowledgeable about child development than both of you combined, but he’s still suspicious.

wants to watch while you push, watch his baby come into the world. you’ve never seen a sweeter sight than eren in his scrubs, crying while holding your baby girl.

Jean

most people picture eren as being the roughhousing dad, but it’s jean, and i will die on this hill.

freaks out every time he drops your first boy while throwing him around like a ragdoll, but he’ll never stop because “listen!! he’s laughing!”. when it comes to the rest of them, he’s experienced enough now to tell the difference between a real booboo and an imagined one, and he simply brushes their little pants off caringly before shouting “now you tackle me!”

jean’s got no gender preference for your first, or the rest of your little brood for that matter. he raises them exactly the same, regardless: tough.

it takes him awhile to get used to the concept of babies’ minds. you’ve walked in on him having full-blown arguments with your shrieking toddlers several times. “what’s not making sense? if you let your goldfish ‘swim’ in the toilet, it dies, simple as that.”

plays “bad cop” for you because you’re terrible at it, but he’s always having to turn around and snicker into his elbow in the middle of scolding because your babies get the same little throbbing forehead vein as you when they’re mad

wants a big family, and gets it. you practically have to drag him to get his balls snipped after your fourth, him reminding you that “it’s reversible!” the entire way there.

the newborn phase is his favorite. he’s rarely home for any longer than ten minutes without scooping your most recent addition into his arms, squishing their little cheeks and marveling at their gurgling noises.

the kids never give him anxiety, but when you’re pregnant??? jean’s a wreck.

“do your feet still hurt, love?” “what do you mean you have indigestion? that could be the baby coming!” “of course we can’t have sex, what if we poke its little head?”

definitely the dad that’s got a delivery bag and a backup bag and an emergency third backup of the backup bag in his car at all times. the first week of your third trimester, he starts watching you suspiciously for any signs of labor, even though this is your fourth together. you think you’ve got it down by now, you tell him, but he won’t listen.

always gets the kids to work together on little surprises for you. every mother’s day they wake you up with breakfast, every valentines day your dining room table is covered in handmade cards, every birthday your kitchen is coated in flour from jean and four little ones attempting to bake

SO HARD to drag him out for a date night. he wants to bring them everywhere: the fancy restaurant, the couples' get away trip

jean's that dad standing in the bar, watching the game, beer in hand, with an occupied baby carrier strapped to his chest

wants to watch during delivery, but he passed out the first go-round, so now he’s content standing up by your head, trying not to turn white as you squeeze his hand hard enough to break.

talks you into just one more on your fourth’s second birthday. “they’re all so big now. don’t you miss it, babe? my baby in your belly? c’mon…” turns out he reversed that vasectomy without telling you

Reiner

another girl dad. hardcore girl dad.

buys his little princess all number of dresses and barbies, is confused when she’s more interested in the baseballs her classmates have.

accidentally raises the most tomboyish, toughest little girl. still babies her, and she hates it.

cries more than you do on your first date night out when you leave her with your mom. forgets to order his entree at the restaurant because he’s watching the baby monitor app on his phone.

definitely the best at splitting baby duties with you. reiner’s up before you most nights when she wakes, grabbing a bottle and cooing at her lovingly even as she screams. you always try to stay awake to watch him on the baby monitor, though, heart melting as his massive arms rock the tiny bundle back to sleep.

all the neighborhood kids love him because of his size. at every cookout, reiner can’t help on the grill because he’s buried in the grass in a little army of toddlers, led by your daughter, shrieking with joy.

always taking pictures. literally always. unflattering ones when you fall asleep breastfeeding, candids at the zoo, eighteen identical pictures of the lock of hair from her first haircut clogging up his camera roll.

can’t be the bad cop. literally ever. he just can’t say no to his little princess, can’t break her precious little heart by telling her that throwing her food onto the floor is bad.

takes your daughter to mommy & me classes with him

DILF DILF DILF. all the moms in the classes swoon over him and gossip about him when he’s not there; much to your annoyance, reiner never notices, insisting that they’re his “mommy friends”.

always sporting a little bit of glitter on his face or a sticker on his back from your daughter

coming from a fatherless background, reiner nearly kills himself trying to be a constant presence in your daughter’s life (you have to remind him that he has to rest too)

never misses an open house night at school, even if it nearly gets him fired. coaches all of her sports teams. literally almost cries when she makes her first soccer goal. actually does cry when she tells you the boy sitting beside her in class called her his girlfriend. full-blown breakdown on her first day of school, so bad he has to stay home from work.

the absolute BEST through your pregnancy and delivery. always cooking your craving of the week, constant foot and back rubs, stays up all night with you for the three days before the birth when you’re just too swollen and miserable to sleep.

holds your hand through the entire delivery, gets in the doctors’ way when they’re performing checkups because “i’m her father, i need to know what’s going on”

Levi

levi never pictured himself as having children, but when your little surprise arrives, blinking up at levi with his own grey, owlish eyes, levi can’t believe he hadn’t thought of it sooner.

very easily irritated with anyone asking questions about your home life.

when his coworkers ask for your newborn’s name, levi simply says “child.” are you two trying again? “why the fuck do you need to know?”

super overprotective. your baby waves at someone in the supermarket, and levi’s leaning down to explain (in words your eight-month-old can’t yet understand) stranger danger.

totally one of those parents that goes half-crazy trying to get their child into the top-notch, snobby preschool in town.

“we’re not wasting his intelligence on the public school”

levi grew up with basically nothing, so he goes all out buying the best baby products on the market. $2,500 strollers, researching “best baby toys for development”, the whole nine yards.

100% spends months trying to get your child to make a game out of picking up his own toys after playtime, but it never works.

has a meal plan for your child to “optimize nutrition” that you have to sneak around to give your baby little chocolates and junk snacks.

“why are there pringles in his playtime bag? they have no nutritional value.”

vets anyone that comes around your child, even other children. “no more playtime with that evan kid. he’s always got a cold or something.”

he’s always been a light sleeper, but once you have your child, levi snores beside them watching kids’ cartoons on the tv like you’ve never seen him, even drooling as his head lolls, arm tucked tight around your little one.

learned everything he could about labor and delivery beforehand

you almost killed him in the delivery room as he explained each medical detail of your labor symptoms to “reassure” you. he finally got the hint when you threatened to decapitate him.

he thinks it’s shameful, but watching you be a mother turns. him. on.

wants to take you right there when he catches you breastfeeding, watches you read a bedtime story, spin your child around laughing. you’re just so naturally good at it and it makes him love you all the more, all that love going straight between his legs.

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