#just thinking about how gay my gender is

[thatdude-noah]

every relationship i have is gay. i can't date anybody in a straight way. i date a man? it is gay. i date a woman? it is gay. i date a nonbinary person? it is gay. i will be in a gay relationship no matter what.

#this is more a statement on my gender than on my sexuality #my sexuality is something i am not thinking about right now #just thinking about how gay my gender is

[mccoalminer]

Alison Bechdel

#alison Bechdel #dykes to watch out for #ive been thinking about this image a lot partly because that right there is what we like to call a shared experience #but also because of the god damn gender of this dyke in particular #dtwof holds a special place in my heart because as a comic strip about queer/butch experiences it feels like a rare insight into how wlw #felt in the 80s-00s and especially over that progression. its not about traumaposting or sending a message #it was just dykes going and not to play into a cliche here but i think thats beautiful #just lesbians living their lives #i always think of it like if the f.r.i.e.n.d.s. cast was replaced by a group of gay ppl living politically charged lives #only without making the gay ppl the butt of the joke lol #ive forgotten what i was trying to sau with these tags but basically these two lil panels feel like a lot like home to me #gender #oh no i used the dreaded quotation marks in my tags and it has ruined the order of the tags #the 8th tag was supposed to say something like 'its just dykes going 'this reminds me of a dyke i know' ...' #7th tag not 8th i cant count #the point is #i tried

[cuubism]

some canon-verse trans Hob for the lovely @five-and-dimes who recently got top surgery! 🥳🥰 congratulations, I'm truly so happy for you, my friend. please accept this humble offering

--

“So, it actually started on a dare,” Hob says, on the day he tells Dream the story of him. Or of this part of him, anyway.

Normally, Hob gets a bit guarded the first time he tells someone he’s trans. It’s hard to predict with absolute certainty how people will react, especially ones he’s just become romantically involved with. He’s had it go poorly, to say the least, in the past.

He doesn’t feel that way with Dream. It’s not because there’s so much trust between them—they’re still new, after all. No, it’s something about Dream himself. For all his prickly and standoffish nature, being close to him feels like sinking into a warm lake, into a dark sleep where secrets and hidden wishes float up like glowing reeds to the surface. Deep, personal feelings feel safe with Dream; he cradles them in his hands and soothes them. Or that’s how it feels, when Hob is touching him.

Personification of dreams, indeed.

“A dare?” Dream echoes.

“Sort of," Hob says. "Got frustrated with people saying women should or shouldn’t do this or that or the other thing, so I decided if they felt so strongly about it I’d just be a man. Moved somewhere no one knew me, dressed differently, got stronger, practiced the sword—and that was that. No one seemed to care much, once you were at war. So long as you could swing a sword and not get yourself killed.”

“A choice, then,” Dream says. He’s listening very intently, hands folded on his knees, untouched tea on the coffee table before him.

“At first. Was only after I’d been living that way for a few decades—before and after we met—that I realized while there might be a handful of women out there living as men for the freedom of it, that they didn’t all like it. Given the choice they’d rather just be women in a more equal world. You know?”

Dream hums in understanding.

“But I didn’t want to go back,” Hob continues. “I felt like... who I'd become was the truth of me all along.”

“Identity, while not wholly immutable, is resilient against adversity and circumstance,” says Dream. “You found what your heart wanted you to be, if in a circuitous manner.”

“You seem very unbothered by it,” Hob observes, sipping his tea.

Dream frowns. “Why would I be bothered by it?”

“Dunno.” Apparently he can’t fully shake that this’ll put a wedge in us feeling. “People sometimes are. Feel deceived, or something like that. So they say.”

“If they are deceived, it is by their own assumptions,” Dream says, with disdain. “You should be as you dream yourself, Hob. No more nor less. Put aside these petty physical trappings.”

“I do actually have to live in these ‘physical trappings’ even if you don’t, you silly thing.” He can’t help laughing. “Besides, I rather like being some kind of living creature in the world, rather than what? A ghost? Best I can do is make this body as close to how it should be as possible.”

Hob’s come to like his body, for the most part, in the form that he’s made it. He didn’t always. But he needs a body of some kind to be alive, and he likes being alive. So what he couldn’t change, he made peace with.

Besides, they have hormone treatments nowadays. Brilliant stuff. Makes it so much better.

“Anyway, now you know. I wanted you to. Since we’re together.” It’s still a marvel. Together.

“Thank you,” says Dream, with evident sincerity. “It is a privilege to be gifted your secrets.”

“Not really a secret, but I get what you mean.” He takes Dream’s hand, just to touch him, and admits, “Telling it to you is like… I don’t know. Feels like when I was younger and first admitted out loud, ‘I’m a man. I want to stay like this.’”

It hasn’t been a proper secret in a very long time. But giving it to Dream is like the freedom of releasing a held breath, even so.

“I am the harbor and cradle of dreams,” Dream says in reply. He traces his fingers over Hob’s. Does Dream’s strange form just spring from the ether? Hob wonders. Or does he have to choose it? The way Hob chose his? “Dreams of being and becoming… these are most precious for they grow from tough soil. I can only protect them, I cannot create them. You must do that. And I expect that were I to find you in the Dreaming, there would be a fantastic garden there, indeed.”

Dream himself is the most fantastical thing. “Well, darling, just know your work is appreciated.”

Dream’s lips tip up in a tiny smile. When he meets Hob’s gaze again, his eyes have gone dark and starry. He folds Hob into a hug, and—

oh, it’s like being hugged by the universe itself.

Hob feels the light breeze of a warm dark night, when he’d lain by the dying fire in a war camp in the French countryside, and looked up at a million stars and first whispered to himself what if this is really who I am? Dream is that breeze and those stars. The dying embers that had lit him as he’d run his hands over his body and felt it differently than he ever had before, and been terrified because what would it mean?—but also thrilled and alive. Dream is the night wrapping around him in that moment, the night that was listening to his dreams no matter how quietly he admitted them, Dream is that and more and the voice in his heart telling him it would be okay.

A younger, more uncertain Hob would have needed this. Hob now is older, and he already knows who he is and what he wants, but he falls into Dream’s embrace all the same. A tear slips from his eye, and Dream kisses his cheek, wiping the tear away with his tongue before leaning their heads together.

“I could craft you any body you wanted in the Dreaming,” he says lowly. “However I think the one you have made with your own hands is more remarkable.”

Oh, God, he’s going to tear up again. “Dream, you are the most beautiful, wonderful thing.”

Dream hums in pleasure at the words, and lets Hob hold him close, lets him cradle his head to his chest, a dream kept close to his heart. One that he knew as soon as he saw it walk into the White Horse. Sooner even than he truly knew himself.

Then Dream looks up at him with a hopeful expression. “With these truths revealed, are we able to be intimate?”

Hob laughs so hard he has to tip his head back against the couch. “Wow. One track mind with you, isn’t it? I spill my heart and that’s what I get?”

Dream grumbles, tucking his face in against Hob’s neck to press his lips to Hob’s throat. “I find myself impatient of late.”

“Knew all along you were only with me for my body.” He’s grinning, though. Can’t stop.

“Well. Considering it is such a lovely one.” He plucks at Hob’s shirt buttons. Lecherous little nightmare.

It feels fucking good, though, to be desired.

“C’mere, then,” he says, and drags Dream into his lap.

Dream settles there with a purr, starts playing with Hob’s hair, but says, “I would not truly derail this moment, nor distract from your feelings if you do not wish it.”

“Oh, I wish it. You’ve no idea how much I want you right now. You’re like a prize.” He cradles Dream’s beloved face between his hands. “Stick around for long enough and you’ll get the most incredible Dream at the end of it.”

“Or at the beginning,” Dream says, and Hob’s heart swells so much to hear him voice that that he has to kiss him.

When he does, Dream makes a low, pleased sound, settling deeper in his lap. Yes, this moment, this life, is certainly the prize for all of those years hanging onto those dreams:

the dream of his lover

and the one of himself.

#1389 hob: while you were busy with the gender binary i studied the blade #trans hob #dreamling #my writing #i think after this hob gets to ask his burning questions about how gender works for the endless and dream is just like [meme of marge #simpson holding a potato but it says 'trans and nonbinary people (except desire)'] 'i just think they're neat. #unrelatedly i did have to choose my gender--' and hob's just like 😐......... #[dream a known king of self awareness] #this is like sending someone a casserole when they get home from the hospital except the casserole is gay fanfic XD #a different kind of sustenance... #hope it's okay!! 🥺

[cyellolemon]

Dragon Quest V have been one of my favorite games ever since i'm a kid and uh. You have to choose among 3 girls your wife and have kids with her but the thing is that i want the mc to marry his more or less childhood friend Harry, and if you make him trans it can be 100% coherent with the scenario. So here we are

#Ah yeah one of my fav games: Dragon Quest V Hand of the Heavenly Bride (gender neutral) #i'm not tagging this shit btw nobody else than me wants to see that #i'm just a little insane over a childhood game that i'm making gay and trans #ALSOOO HE HAS GREEN HAIR and your kids have the hair color of their mother in the game so i drew them with green hair and :)))) #The game forced these 2 into straight relationships because they knew how powerful this couple was (joke..) #what my 6-8yo would think. not that i care about her opinion lol #this is so self indulgent like there is no fandom for that shit and who wanted DGV trans and mlm art but me.. #this art makes me super happy tho. :3 #fanart #my art #mlm art #trans artwork

[bottombaron]

psst hey baby gays

attributing power dynamics to top/bottom positions when advocating the validity and equality of queer ships to hetero people who have no understanding of it and probably already view queer sexuality as something k-inky and imbalanced compared to hetero sexuality…

you’re being a part of the problem

#wwdits #what we do in the shadows #nandermo #queer ships #no it doesn’t change anything who penetrates and who gets penetrated #that's not how this works #i…i can’t believe i have to explain this #i literally hate talking abt this it’s the least fun thing about my favorite subject #explaining bottoming to the baby gays like sheesh #hets already attribute harmful gender stereotypes #maybe don’t equip them with inaccurate and harmful stereotypes abt the top being the ‘aggressor’ #and has ‘the power’ in the relationship #this is literally how you get bottom phobic people #people who can’t just enjoy the act for what it is and the pleasure it gives them #b/c they’ve been conditioned to think of it as an act of subservience #ok i never want to talk abt this again thx

[musclesandhammering]

Real queerbaiting almost always has to do with an individual character’s identity rather than any romantic pairings but y’all aren’t ready to have that conversation.

#‘this show is such queerbait!’ *proceeds to talk about how two dudes didn’t kiss each other* #more often than not it’s 2 dudes the creators have said multiple times do not have romantic feelings for eachother #yet the fans always outright ignore that and act like they’ve been tricked & deceived #when like… no.. they straight up told you this gay ship wasn’t happening #& you just refused to believe them lmao #now if you wanna say ‘this was a missed opportunity to have a queer ship in this show’ then 90% of the time I’ll agree w you! #but there’s a massive difference between #‘I think this would’ve been a good chance to have a queer pairing & im bummed they didn’t take it’ #and #‘I was intentionally queerbaited & these writers hate gay people’ #and most of you guys are just. Unable to understand that #for example: #lokius not being canon was not qb #them butchering Loki’s genderfluidity & not acknowledging his bisexuality after specifically using it in their advertising? #that absolutely was. #destiel wasn’t qb #a missed opportunity to explore angels’ gender & sexuality? yes 100%. #johnlock wasn’t qb. #a missed opportunity to explore Sherlock’s sexuality? Definitely #yall get on my nerves screaming queerbait & crucifying creators as homophobes #just because your shitty no-chemistry-having toxic ass mlm ships didn’t go canon #after you delulu-ed & conspiracy theory-ed yourselves into thinking they would 😒 #queerbaiting #fandom wank #anti destiel #anti johnlock #Loki #homophobia in fandom #johnlock #destiel

[unopenablebox]

oh lmao it just occurred to me that plausibly one of the reasons people who know us separately react with exaggerated shock at the Reveal that 🌸 and i are, like, committed life partners, is not only the general surprise factor of "two people i know extensively who do not ever cross paths live together and knew each other for years before they even moved to this city", which, reasonably surprising

but because due to our shared noncommittal approach to "coming out" or "publicly articulating a stance on a personal gender" absolutely everyone who meets 🌸 immediately interprets their whole deal as "one of the gayest men they've ever met"

whereas i kind of halfheartedly use they/them pronouns and present in a way that means everyone is definitely interpreting me as some unknown member of the set "reasonably butch lesbian", "unconvincingly closeted trans man", or, unfortunately, "theyfab everyone will round down to 'bisexual woman who actually just dates men' due to the way theyfabness is configured in left spaces" and i usually encourage the former on account of how at least then they correctly understand me to be gay and it's easy to pitch

so i think possibly some of the time i am actually watching very nice sensitive straight leftists try not to perform disrespectful mental chess to figure out whether this mean we've both just been straight married the whole time, or if they're discovering new unsettling horizons of homosexuality that they're not prepared to contemplate

#in fact we're not even straight married in a funny ironic t4t way we are in fact doing a third thing #unfortunately i think it's very very funny and delightful that everyone thinks 🌸 is gay #on account of how i specifically (and possibly uniquely for some amount of that time) #completely did not pick up on this aspect of their vibe when we met and instead diagnosed them as Gender #through the medium of prophetic sex dream #and then just didn't mention it to them for years because it was none of my business at the time. #i consider this somehow an achievement by me. unclear what personal virtue it represents but i definitely have it #box opener #i'll feel very embarrassed about this post and delete it later because i am ashamed of my extraordinarily cringe construals of all this #but. not always. while posting. sometimes only afterward‚ on a delay

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

the reason i’m not afraid of aging is because i want to be a hot middle-aged man who has a toxic yaoi relationship with another middle-aged man

#u know i used to be so afraid of aging until i realized that i want to be a dilf. now it’s kinda exciting #i realized recently that i could never picture myself living past my twenties until i pictured myself as a man #but like. i want to be a man and a woman and nothing and everything #but like. i’m cool with how i look now for the most part idk if i would want to transition physically at least not rn #and rn i still dress fem enough that everyone goes straight to she/her #and i like she/her but it hurts rn #bc some of my family has switched to they/them or it/its and it’s just so soothing #but family that knows i don’t like it still use she/her and phrases like ‘daughter’ or whatever even more often on purpose #and it hurts bc i don’t really feel the need to change the way i dress/look but i know everyone assumes she/her #when they see me in a dress or skirt. even w how very not-cis my fashion sense is #but also i fucking hate pants which is a separate thing (prob autism tbh) and even if i wore pants they’d still use she/her #thinking of changing my name to something very masc so i can confuse people enough that they’ll stop defaulting to she/her #and i haven’t told ppl outside my immediate family so idc if they use she/her but i’m fucking pissed when ppl in the family do it #anyways side note when i was 12 my ideal gender (b4 i knew about being non-cis) was a floating consciousness w no body #or a plastic-doll-like creation that’s smooth all over #… i still want to be a floating consciousness actually lmao. it would be great #back then i hated being a girl but i didn’t know there were more options and also i was socially isolated (didn’t leave home for like 2yrs) #and my mother was openly transphobic whenever the topic was brought up so that was my only real experience #but i didn’t really internalize it other than the fact that my mother would be rude if i ever happened to be not-cis and guess what? she is #anyways it’s like 2am and also i’m only awake bc i was captivated by a sugar daddy middle aged gay fic for a show i watched like 5 episodes #for 2 years ago #sorry for rambling in the middle of the night lol #gn y’all

[loveofastarvingdog]

okay say what you will about "comphet" and "settling," and maybe this is my arospec-ness showing, but i don't feel any attraction to women (romantic or sexual) and would still be 100% down with being in a relationship with one and even marrying a woman. i am pretty much entirely gay when it comes to actual attraction, but mostly consider myself bi or pan when it comes to my approach to relationships, and i just? think that maybe it'd be cool if more people recognized that however other queer people approach relationships and sex when it comes to gender, it doesn't negate their identities. it doesn't mean it's comphet. it doesn't mean it's secretly harming them. sometimes people just choose to have sex, or be in a relationship, or whatever, and it might not "align" with what you think their label ought to be, but it sincerely does not matter at all. it's not your sexuality, or your romantic orientation, or your own personal understanding of yourself, it's theirs. and it doesn't make them bad at being queer, it just means that they're human and get to 1. make their own choices and 2. not conform to other people's ideas about themselves

#timothy's txts. #saving this to drafts for a little bit because i don't want this to come across as targeting something specific #and because i want to make sure i'm not posting this when i'm upset. because i'm not!! it's just that i am passionate about the complexes o #attraction and gender and everything #and while i am specifically referencing how people talk about allosexual gay / lesbian characters experiencing comphet #and also about irl gay / lesbians choosing to hook up with each other for any reason #this is pulled a lot from my own experiences being asexual and arospec and how that colours how i approach sex and relationships #it feels... unfair to say that a gay man choosing to have sex (fun consensual sex with full knowledge!) with a woman #invalidates his sexuality? and i think i've managed to handle action not equaling attraction when it comes to asexuality #but it's a lot less normalised or recognised or accepted or whatever for allosexual people #you know it really is just. an action you can choose to make. for any reason. #ask to tag #no longer in drafts. be free babey

[oh2e]

I’m reading Good Omens again and thinking about how Crowley and Aziraphale aren’t really men and aren’t really humans etc. Then I started thinking about the sentiment that even if being queer was a choice, people would still choose to be queer and how Aziraphale choses to appear as a gay man. He choses to be the kind of person who gets called “the southern pansy”. That’s a choice that he made.

#gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. southern pansy. talking like a poofter. #good omens is FULL of people being derogatory towards aziraphale because they perceive him to be a gay man #and yet he doesn’t change #my own post #i think that’s why all the talk about how he was (and is) a gay auntie are so close to my heart #of course he would be! if you’re going to make the choice to be perceived as a gay man with all that entails why wouldn’t you take every #bay gay and struggling queer sibling under your wing? especially if you’re an angel #aziraphale is - at his core - a good person. a kind person. and he chooses to make the lgbtq+ community hos community #he makes that choice. and he sticks to it. there’s got to have been easier things to have done throughout history but no. #aziraphale is one of us because he chose to be. #and we can too. maybe you can’t choose your gender or sexuality but you can choose to be part of the community and you can choose to be out #and those are important decisions. big decisions. we always have choice and I’m so so proud of everyone who chooses to be here #that being said. quoting from bbc trigonometry- what you’re doing is brave as hell but it’s just as brave to walk away #it’s brave to be out. but it’s just as brave to be in. not in the same way no but it takes courage all the same #aziraphale #good omens

[meirimerens]

i'll write it down so hopefully i don't have to walk anyone else through that for the twelfth time since i've had this blog it's been a Long Time Comin especially since a previous version of this has been in da drafts since 2021 i'm also going to try to be as loving and like clear and concise (i am Not mad this is is not a Mad post i'm not sure how the tone will come across because. it's a poast innit but i'm just trying to be. at the very least informative)

i promise you that the homosexual blogger who has a homosexual headcanon about a character whose interactions with the opposite gender can be read as entirely platonic and even demeaning in ways Does Not need to be told on their own blog, in which they extensively share their art or writing or discussions about thinking of this character as homosexual, after they haven't asked, that you personally think that character likes the opposite gender (too) actually. they know. they do know. most people think most characters like the opposite gender. most people think most living people do.

you are within your god-given rights to make your own posts and your own writings and your own arts and talk about it when asked it's a free fucking website babeeyy and to associate and discuss between people who share the same headcanon as you do dearly and heartily but i Promise, I Promise you no homosexual with their homosexual headcanons for characters whose interactions with the opposite sex can be read as completely devoid of romance needs to be reminded, when they didn't ask, that you don't see it that way. they've seen it around. they've been around. we've seen it. we know.

#girl help this has happened when i was in tew when i was in mgs and when i was in patho it's been going on for so long i actually had this #in the drafts like not the whole thing but that second paragraph has been in my drafts since. 2021...?😭😭😭 #wait i think this was about the Gay Solid Snake Theory comic originally........ #i think. bc i posted it late 2020. the more things change.... #i know it's very hard for people who are Not homosexual to like get in the head how bones-grindingly psychologically exhausting it is #to be reminded of other-gender attraction when you're just vibing and not asking (esp. in spaces that people boast are so accepting of you) #but for pride month. could you spare us a thought. a crumb of it #neigh (blabbers) #it's my blog. on it i've chronicled me spending over 9 months writing over 90k words about burakh realizing he's a homosexual #and living through self-actualization self-realization and love from that. #i think my position is quite clear [becomes transparent]

[allthoseotherworlds]

I'm so excited to see what Ncuti Gatwa I can do as the Doctor! So far everything he's been in for trailers and stuff has shown him as being pretty charismatic, which is nice of course, but I'm also really hoping that he can pull off the weird awkward dorkiness that is also critical to the Doctor's personality.

Like, Ncuti Gatwa as a person seems very cool, but I'm hoping he can be a little uncool too as the Doctor. It's important to me

#Doctor Who #Fifteenth Doctor #I am talking #I am just some guy (gender neutral) #this is so strange because we've had so much longer than normal to think about him in the role #also I saw someone say (maybe jokingly I guess? but I'm autistic so it's sticking with me anyway) #that because of how revealing his outfit is and the line with David Tennant and Isaac Newton that they're going to have like. #gay sex scenes in his season? and I cannot stress this enough how much I do not want there to be any sex scenes in doctor who #and I cannot possibly stress how much I do not want there to be any sex scenes in Doctor Who. regardless of the genders involved #my logical brain knows that is incredibly unlikely because Doctor Who is so established as a family show #but like. please do not force my sex-repulsed self to watch sex scenes in order to engage with my special interest. please #anyway that's not strictly relevant to Ncuti himself #but people are speculating about him in kind of weird ways based on as far as I can tell nothing more than a v-neck shirt

[miodiodavinci]

(head in hands) man.

#i’m laying in bed trying to sleep but suddenly got the urge to look for that old render of crevan using warp.exe #but to find it i had to dig through my entire crevan tag and just #really hit me just How much i don’t like crevan sgkfgdsjfk #like not in a ‘aw man this voicebank could be so much better :(‘ kind of way #but in a ‘i am physically no longer the same person i was when i made her’ kind of way #in a ‘i don’t know if i ever really liked her or if she was just one big running bit i had because i was so scared of being cringe’ #kind of way #because let’s be real #there are very few moments in that tag where i’m not purposefully distancing myself from the things i liked #and being unnecessarily mean and snarky instead so i’d somehow ‘be better’ for not ‘giving in’ #whether to the temptation to be honest and genuine or the temptation to do the sorts of silly things i actually wanted to do #maybe a huge portion of it is also that i hadn’t figured out i was gay or trans yet #and felt the need to curate this horrible she/her creature to try to rectify the gender dysphoria i was feeling #but yeah #doesn’t feel great honestly #i love being open and kind and honest with what i love #and i don’t think i can ever really relate to crevan’s old ‘purposefully mean and cruel and antagonistic’ schtick #now that i’ve gone about that change #anyway sghlfsfjdg

[mephorash]

"men that failed to be women" is an accurate analysis of how both trans men & women are treated

#buzgie ❁ #thinking a lot about how trans men are treated as the third faggot failed male gender #yeah people concern troll by saying the Females have to be protected but when it comes down to it i am just a troon #my most vivid memories of transphobia have everything to do with being a high pitched effeminate gay sounding male #not a woman but a disgusting fake feminine ''man'' you can misgender to affirm your own manhood #at least you're more of a man than this gross trans thing that doesnt even have a penis #i think that's why cis gay communities online are noxious to us specifically #people that think that lesbians are terfs to any meaningful degree would not last a second in r/askgaybros

[andthebeanstalk]

What up I'm married to a tall person who is basically Milo Thatch but agender, and uhhh, basically, yeah, everyone should be jealous and I LOVE MY CUTE TWINK NERD WIFE!!!!! 😤😤🥰🥰🥰❤❤❤👌👌

#original #i love my wife #had a big crush on that character growing up #you know who else is really into her? EVERY OTHER CHUBBY TRANS GUY IN CHICAGO apparently we just see her and are like OH HELL YEAH #do you know why this is? it is because we have excellent taste that is why. #and also we want non threatening masc people to be into us and respect our gender! that's me anyway #and this is excellent news for her anyway bc we're in an open relationship & she thinks guys like me (her HUSBAND 🥰😁) are incredibly hot #this is also bc she has excellent taste. #but it is a running joke that she keeps getting nice OKC matches that look a lot like me 😂 #anyway this post is a thing that would have made young me BOIL with envy if someone else said it but in fact it is ME #and young me grew into me and is in here like AAWWWWWWW YYYEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHH 🤘🤘🤘🤘🚀🚀🚀 #she doesn't just look like Milo she also moves and emotes and talks like him. and until recently her glasses would not stay on her face! #she got new ones. nerd. i adore her. #she is so kind to Jack (me) and to my giant anxious pitbull child #she puts his blankie on him as he rests on her toes to make sure she doesn't go anywhere 😭😭❤ #she is my best friend and she never makes me feel stupid or fake or undeserving. she just likes me so much and she fkn acts like it! #and we have good boundaries and communication in a very autistic way [positive] and she is so smart and funnyyy #oh i am falling asleep now #probably has something to do with how thinking about my wife makes me feel safe and warm or some gay shit like that 🙄 ;) #edit: omg it just occurred to me that she is like 80% Mill and 20% Jessica Jones. just in terms of like. vibes. XD #she cares a lot about Jessica Jones. I will tell her my findings in the morrow #*80% Milo

[magentagalaxies]

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#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted #i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter #the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back #and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context #or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with #''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!'' #which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it #BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM???? #and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with #i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together #but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person #it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist #but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary #of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be #and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it #but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well #or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations #and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think #or even what other people understand #but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun #and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time #he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i #and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma #is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!'' #that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels #i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott #idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back #but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it