#life is too fucking much and i cant take this shit anymore

[this-should-do]

ugh

#genuinely think if i dont get therapy and medical transition soon i might actually kill myself #life is too fucking much and i cant take this shit anymore #its unfair that i got unlucky in the genetic draw and got sruck with the stupidest most feminine body in the world #and that being fat when i live the exact same lifestyle as thin people makes kt easier to tell that im born female #and that even if i do all the working out in the world its not gonan fucking chnage the way my body looks and manages its distribution #and that i have the face and mouth of every single fat comedy side character or fat villain #and that ive lived my whole life hearing about how pretty and wonderful i look and how i look like my grandmother #and that im short and have almost all my weight below my torso so i look like the worlds largest pear #and that i have a naturally soft demeanor that offsets every ounce of effort i pht into my looks to be more masc #and that i dont want to dress in baggy or sporty clothes and i dont have the budget to purchase those things even if i got desperate #or that i get overheated too easily to use layers and that i cant mentally handle being overheated #and its not fair that i cant for the life of me get my voice to cknsistantly be lower so i sound more maaculine #its not fucking fair #i cant fucking do this anymore #but im so fucking stuck reliant on ym fucking parents for mo ey that ill never get the help i need #and working as a teacher will never result in the money itll take to get the help i need #and it feels like even if i could get transition when i get a job itll be too risky with clowns like desantis #SPECIALLY as a teacher #i cant fucking look into a fucking mirror without wanting to cry and take a knife to every slab of meat that i ditn want on my body #and every day that im home im sruck hiding in my room so that i dont risk running inti my moyher and making her angry by existing #and having to affirm to her that im her little girl and be called by a name that isnt mine and pronouns that make me want to stab my ears #and be told by her that i just think im trans becuz im traumatized and dont want peole to think im attractive so they wont try to get close #to me becuz they wont know what i am when i dont even want to have sex and she says im just making that up to #my mental health is in shambles and has been for fucking months and its only getting worse #i want out #i want out so fucking bad #im tired of being jealous of my own fucking shadow becuz it looks like more of a man to me

[agayconcept]

.

#oh for fucks sake #if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g #she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up #which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares) #so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc #and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.' #she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things' #bitch WHAT THINGS ????? #exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ???? #do u Hear urself ?? #now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up) #and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour #'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!' #ma'am... #a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest #b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt #c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit. #whaT ????? #god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit #not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her) #jesus fUcking chrisT #i gotta get out of here #this woman is so immensely hateful #ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times) #fuuuuuck me. #anyway. #negative #ableism #verbal abuse #ask to tag

[the-trans-dragon]

What if they didn't put ads every 3 posts. Three posts between ads, literally. Not even counting the ad for Tumblr Live.

Also what if tumblr didn't know what city Im in. I do not want my location tracked or stored anywhere unless I give explicit ongoing permission, like with my GPS app that I allow to track me only when the app is open, and then it deletes the data (allegedly) when I stop giving permission.

#ugh i do SO much to try to keep my location private. i use an android with all the tracking things Off (except for my weather app #which is a highly specific app that does NOTHING except provide weather; and i have the location turned Off so it doesnt even know where i #live). my tumblr email is not connected to any real life stuff because i made it when i was very closeted and made a new email and password #for it and never linked them to anything else. i have bare minimum apps. i use firefox and duckduckgo. #for shits sake i use a small barely-known map app because any Map App that has had large success under capitalism is inevitably going to #start selling private info or working with a cheap security system designed to allow quiet data leaks. #i guess i use gmail and gphotos but my phone doesnt HAVE a native Photo App. i have to use one i download and im too damn skittish to try #i guess i did get netflix recently....sigh.... i figured they WERENT tracking me because they email me EVERY TIME I USE NETFLIX to alert me #that OHHHH A NEW DEVICE IS USING NETFLIX AAAAA WHAT IF ITS AGAINST NETFLIX POLICY OH NOOOO. so i figured they didnt have a way to ID me. #UGH. CAN I PLEASE EXIST WITHOUT BEING MONITORED FOR FIVE SECONDS. can i please access Social Media which is a shitty substitute for actual #human connection but its the best i have--without someone noting my location and then trying to sell me things??? can i please watch film??? #i cant go to a theater because my region does NOT believe in covid and not even medical staff attending Very Ill Patients wear masks anymore #stupid fucking homophobic transphobic anti-vax society has made it too dangerous for me to access most Not-Online forms of enrichment. and i #cant even use the Internet (a magnificent ASTONISHING human creation) without being tracked and advertised to. #ugh.. #humanity is just so cool and brave and kind and amazing and yet we have taxes and advertisment IDs and traffic and medicine shortages. #its not like the ads even work. even when it shows me stuff i DO want. i cant fucking afford things. i already have spent too much money on #things that i dont need like Good Food and Entertainment and Juice. ugh....okay i do need food and liquids....Good food even. my body cant #survive on College Foods like it could in the past. And i might literally die if i dont buy juice... #and i guess its really really really heartwarming to have good entertainment to take breaks from all the stress.... its not like i havent l #..... like im so frugal. thank god my partners encourage me to buy myself things. i have been so much healthier since giving in and buying #Non-Water drinks instead of just Chronically Drinking Less Than A Bottle Of Water A Day. my partners are so good and sweet 😓 i shouldnt be #upset with myself for letting them convince me to take care of myself. that isnt fair to them or me so i will stop doing that now. #my faith in humanity is mostly just knowing that my partners exist. theyre so sweet. if people like them exist--then i have faith in humanty #no pressure lol. they are both so good and perfect regardless of how much energy they have to spare for Being Good. they are just inherently #very dear and good to me and for me. but just because i have faith in humanity doesnt mean im gonna stop complaining the whole time!!!!!! i #will whine about the bad stuff forever!!!! and BITE IT if i ever get the chance. but i will complain until the bothersome things go away. #if i complain my whole life with no results then...! so be it. i will whine and it will be art somehow. #sorenhoots

[ironmanstan]

the dichotomy of man (need to get out of this fuckin house but if i go then i can not see my cats)

#JUST realized this and now i want to kill and explode and throw up #WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO . WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT MY FISH ok i can probably take the fish with me #but MAN #thats such a FUCKING HASSLE #ill just stay here this is fine <- tormented by the horrors. ball and chained to familiarity #the gamer speaks uwu #guy who is terminally stressed and sick about change but desperately needs it to live a life #oooo i need to be in a hamster ball everything new can just be out of arms reach and i will be safe and contained forever #no more new experiences and life changes ill cry we should all just die actually so i never have to break out of my shell #sometimes im like im therapized i dont need to go to therapy i am sooo normal and then i say shit like all that n im like nvm #the desperately averse to change braincell is funny like is it the autism. is it the ptsd. probably both #bc i sure did like have a moment of like i should just drop out of school all of this is too much i cant do it anymore #wired in juuust the right way where i can live so much better than i ever have but itll stress me out enough where i still feel the urge #to throw it all away bc it is strange and weird. and then i have to resist that urge constantly bc ill be fully like cidal again if i do th #its so weird actually. oh u have friends? u take meds? u have irls now? strange and unfamiliar and scary get rid of it all <- the insanity #anyway sucks how there isnt a word i can use in place of men/women when im like 'women will x' but for being nonbinary #nonbinary mfs doesnt hit the same . enbies doesnt hit the same either #nonbinaries b like i am free from the horrors and then go down a whole spiral at the very thought of moving out of their nightmare house #vent #i guess oops what did this turn into

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up #ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness #just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him #why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this? #why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded? #and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong? #why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it? #like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct #like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more #i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such #but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant #even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer #i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like #he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should #tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there #like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake #....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change? #wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing #i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to #i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together #picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same #it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry #i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt

[arcadequeerz]

I miss my dad.

#Cade.vnt #Closer it gets to Christmas the more it gets real and the more i hate it. #keep feeling like he's back on the road in his truck but i know he's Not and he's not coming home ever #N idk if its pathetic because me and him didn't get along and yada yada but i always expected him to outlive me #he was supposed to outlive me and he didn't and its Fucked Up and wasn't supposed to be like this. #old fuck was supposed to outlive all of us and he ended up dying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and i didn't even get to say #goodbye #he didn't even eake back up #and i think thats what fucks me up the most that he didn't get to die here ay home- comfortable in his bed #or didn't get to make some stupid fucking joke that he Reall y shouldn't of said but still would make us laugh- #he left too quietly. he should of gone laughing #it isnt fair. it isn't fucking fair and i hate it and everyone keeps telling me its okay he's 'with god' now #and i dont want him to be i just want him back here. was suppoed to be a xonstant in my life and now #there's this fucking absence and i hate it so fucking much #we still dont even know what happened. #they kept throwing shit around and never said anything for certain. #anyways. my mom cut up a bunch of his shirts this evening- she sais she's gonna make a qult with them #she let me keep his pink floyd shirt though. crying and getting snot all over it rn #i just kind of need 2023 to be kinder to me. and my family. please i cant take anymore loss or pain #it feels like the universe hates me and wnts me dead.

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

#i so desperately wish i would just die without killing myself #just not wake up tomorrow morning dear god #i dont know what im living for anyone. i really dont i really dont #im too tired too sick and not motivated enough to make it through life #i barely want or care about anything anymore #i just wanna die. i just wanna sleep i just wanna rest i cant fucking do this #theres barely anyone that i should stay alive for. my absence would be forgotten in weeks to months anyway #im too much of a fuckup to help anyone which is one of the few things i even care about anymore #i cant do any of this. i dont want any of this #im so tired of the pain im so tired of the god awful fucking pain all the time the physical pain the emotional pain #its been my whole life. my whole life #im tired of being lonely. ive gone through most of the horrid shit in this life alon3 #its too much. its too much. its too fucjin mich im tired of failing over and over again im tired of crying #im not good enough for anything. im not good room for absolutely fuckin anything or anyone #god just take me already #life has already been so cruel i dont understand why you must prolonged my suffering #i wasnt even fucking 2 yet when this shit started. god. god fucking damn it god this pain has been my whole fucking life i just want it to #end #. #id throw myslef infront of a car if it was certain death and wouldnt traumatize anyone else #god fucking damn it why is it so hard to die. why. why why why fucking why am i still breathing god just let me fucking go

[meateater-lamb]

#vent in the tags idk #i hate my fucking life #i actually fucking hate my life. so much #i havent had something good happen since 2019. not one thing #its just gone downhill #which is insane bc it was already terrible 3 years ago but SURPRISE. IT CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE #fucking hell #im like 90% certain im chronically ill but its not like i can really go to the doctor. #i dont want to risk covid. #so my health just keeps deteriorating #i cant even breathe right at all anymore #the effort it takes to take a full. deep. breath. its so much. and it hurts. #and im so dizzy all the time. i can be laying down totally still and the room will be spinning still #im so isolated due to the pandemic ive genuinely forgotten how to interact with people irl #not that i knew how before. or that i wasnt already isolated before. but its so bad now #and my heart has gotten weaker. i can feel it. it pounds out of my chest and skips beats and shit at random. so much more than it used to #and i keep having panic attacks bc im afraid im dying and i keep having nightmares and holy shit i just want to be ok #is that too much to ask??? to be okay??? for life to get better for once??????? #and i dont even wanna get into the mental shit im going through or the highkey abusive situation im in but its bad and i just. jesus christ #god. #idk #i just needed to rant for a minute ill prolly delete this when i get back up. im going to bed.

[horce-divorce]

being ill has never not been isolating, to be clear, but I truly feel it's getting worse with time. It's never been so bad as it is now. And frankly idk what to do bc in the past id like join forums and groups and stuff but that's a thing of the past too. I joined some FB groups but it's not the same and I'm not going on FB just for that. I just don't know what to do

#me #idk if i can. talk to this friend anymore #we love each other very much and are rather important to each other #but i just. fuckin. cant do this #like his whole 'i deserve an abusive prick bc my feelings don't matter' thing is bad enough #theyve been traveling together and camping and doing all this fun shit that like #if i had someone who loved me enough to travel w me i could do that shit too but i don't and he knows i havent camped all fckn summer #he keeps sending me pics/vids of the camping trips and all these places i cant fucking go #and today it was vids from a big fuckin stadium concert. yhr likes of which ill never see again due to health. #my favorite band even. #i know that in his mind hes just sharing joyful things w someone he cares about. its sharing. #but idk regardless of intention it sure feels like rubbing it in on my end. #hey remember all those beauitful places you wanted to go that no one loves you enough to take you. #hey remember when you could be near a crowd and it wasnt a potentially life threatening event. remember concerts. remember dancing. #remember having people in your life who invited you places and took you to things instead of just showing you pictures after the fact. #how am i NOT supposed to be bitter about that. #so i just #say nothing #i say less and less over time and they find less things to send to me #and things drift apart #but it just keeps happening #even w some of the oldest and most solid friendships ive had #i have literally never in my life been so isolated and alone than i am right now #not even as a child before ever making friends. cus my parents were still invested in me back then. #prsnl

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#me when im feeling normal: lol y do i get burnt out so badly? #also me when im feeling normal: ur not allowed to do anything until u get X things done. u will focus for 8hrs then youll fucking sit there #and focus some more bc u really wanna not be doing X anymore #and my brain is just like wah i dont wanna #im trying to be nicer abt it. like trying to not get so frustrated when i cant focus and get distracted #and then just take a deep breath and start things #but it is weird how for whatever reason part of my brain decides im not allowed to do things until i meet X conditions #its very annoying and is why my life is such a fucking disaster lol #srry for being so chatty today i dont think I've talked to anyone since like friday? or Thursday? #no wait i opened the doors to the lab for a friend yesterday. but i was kinda talking past her bc my brain was like 2min delayed lol #hhhhh ive gotta get up at like before 6 to work with the fucking machines. bc i said i would test something today but i didn't so tomorrow #morning it is. but 1st i gotta fucking start this last application bc i wanna stop having stress dreams #hhhh 8 days and i can go home :-( and then i can stress abt other things #its weird to think abt but idk if ppl realize how little i tslk to ppl. like my socializing is being around ppl in the lab #and i try to go in when theres no one there so a when im stuck in a car with someone its like bro this is the most ive talked all week #i spend 90% of my life in silent isolation and the other 10% talking way way too much lol #but i cant help it. lulls in conversation make me wanna scream. also insert that always sunny quote abt having shit to say lol #unrelated

[xxlelaxx]

Anxiety makes enjoying good things so hard

#ignore me #my life has been too good lately and I'm starring to go insane from everything working #i hate myself so much #I've been trying ao be more social and be a good mom and be someone that my daughter can look up to and my husband can love #but it always ends up with me hating myself so fucking much #I've been eating too many sweets which already is setting a bad example qhen it comes to a healthy diet and my media consumption has been #worse lately and my anxiety is now making me unabke to sleep and I've stopped going on daily walks cause the pain is back #it was so nice not having it around for a while and it is makibg everything so much harder #the sleep makes me more irritable and i feel like all i do is fail my baby #my husbans said he doesnt feel loved by me anymore and I've been trying so hard to manage household baby and everything else but its not #enough i always feel like I'm never enough #I've been a horrible friend like always so i guess that is a constant thing in my life #as if that isnt the worst when my mental health gets worse i start getting flashbacks to remind me of everything that went wrong with me #and that just fuels my anxiety around my daughter living through everything i did as a child and i just cant do this #i just wish i could sleeo again #i think all of this is sleep deprivation but i don't know how to do everything without losing sleep or something #i just wanna rest and sleep for more then four hours without veing woken up #god what i would give for eight hours of continuous sleep #but my husbands shifts are so shit that i cant do that to him... also now that I'm at home he's the only one working and I'm terrified of #loosing him so i dont want him to be at work without sleeping well cause it could actually kill him #worst of all I'm just too stupid to ask for help or bother anyone with my stupid problems #and every time I'm away from her she just screams and i just can't take her screams anyo #anymore #i just want to pee and ahit and eat in peace

[tokyoteddywolf]

It sucks so much once you realize how entwined someone is in your life, then it just sucks more when you have to scrub away the traces it existed. That it was there, and it was good, until it wasn't anymore.

(Ignore my angry venting it's 3am I'm cranky and want chocolate.)

#vent #i feel like my hands are soaked in blood that soap cant clean #'blood is thicker than water' they say but that just makes it all the harder to scrub away once it goes bad #i loved you so much and i still do but now everything is just bitter and rotting and i hate it so much #and im just ranting to myself about how unfair it is that im doing so much better but i still miss what i had #that it wasnt your fault i didnt get help sooner- i believed so badly that i didnt deserve help. #that if i just waited long enough id rot away and be done with it all. #and i never got to say 'thank you for loving me when i couldnt love myself' at the worst time of my life. #you tried to help me. i can appreciate that #but i can be bitter that you still abandoned me. i have that right. i am going to be better and do better but you dont get to have that. #im still learning how to be a proper human. one that can learn to love herself and not distrust any form of affection. #but im going to do that on my own and when im better i hope you see it. i really hope you do. #you both still abandoned me though so fuck you both for that. im not gonna be nice about it anymore. #i didnt wanna hurt feelings even though mine were CONSTANTLY trampled over. so yeah. fuck you. that feels good to say. #fuck you for never apologizing. fuck you for abandoning me in a city i had no place else to go in. fuck you for giving me false hope. #fuck you for making promises you couldnt keep. fuck you for all the times i felt alone or excluded or just plain unwanted. #fuck you for constantly picking each other over me. fuck you for all the times i had to swallow how i felt because it was 'mean'. #fuck you for making your love conditional. fuck you for never even trying to understand how i felt. fuck you for taking years of my life. #and mostly just- fuck you for making me think i was worth it. #i felt like i had to do all the work in that friendship. starting convos and game days and INTERACTING. #the friends i have now dont do that shit. they COMMUNICATE WITH ME. Fuck you for that too by the way! not communicating! #rant over. fuck you. im gonna sleep now knowing you wont see this cuz ya BLOCKED ME.

[thatdemiboymess]

Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.

#irl #vent #suicidal ideation #i am a money sink and a financial burden and trying to look for ways to fix that turns up nothing!!! #society abandons those who cannot work!!! and i sure do seem to be unemployable!!! #like #i would need a work from home job that doesnt require a highschool diploma ged or a degree that i can do as someone who is legally blind #at the LEAST #even just being a cashier at pet smart requires a fucking highschool diploma!!! and i cant even do that sort of work anymore!!! #i dont have any fancy little talents or areas of expertise either!!! i cant code i suck at source work i cant do graphic design!!! #what am i supposed to do #can someone just like put me down like a sick animal or smth at this point #because i feel like all i amount to at this point is a burdensome and childish good for nothing waste of space #and an additional source of stress and disappointment for everyone who has ever cared about me or had hopes for my future #sincerely feel like everyone who knows me would be better off if i were dead #no one would have to take care of me then - theyd be free of any burden i put on them #hell considering how few people i talk to and how little o do talk to ones i DO talk to they probably wouldnt even notice i were gone #and once they did they probably wouldnt be upset for long at all if they would be upset to begin with #my partner would be free to find a smaller more affordable place to live or could even get a car and live in it as he thought of doing #before if i werent around being a little needy whiny bitch #seriously whats even the fucking point #im so tired of just...fucking everything. #i dont talk about it much but i really do just feel like shit all the fucking time man #and i feel so fucking powerless and like i have no control of my life too #should probably be in therapy still but i just know theyd force me into the psych ward again #not that talk therapy would do shit for me anyways tho #i dunno #im tired and sad and hopeless and i just wanna go to sleep and not wake up again #not that it matters or anything though lololol

[silverislander]

i know logically in my brain that i have a disorder that makes it hard for me to focus and do work, the symptoms of which are not gonna go away bc other people need/want me to do stuff, and still like. i'm behind on a bunch of shit for school rn and i'm kind of spiralling over it bc WHY IS IT HARD. this is stuff i like doing and that i want to do. and i can't for the life of me fucking do it and the deadlines are coming up and i NEED TO FUCKING GRADUATE so it has to get done

#i have two assignments due for indigenous lit and i havent even read/watched the materials which is fucking shameful ngl #im so disconnected and behind in that class its not even funny. ive been skating by reading part of the books and doing shit last minute #and i feel awful abt that in particular bc i WANT to give it my full attention. i want to learn. this is important and interesting to me #im also a week behind on my essay which terrifies me ngl #im a week OUT from the next deadline and thats not getting met. which begs the question of when im going to be able to submit it #when i asked my prof for extra time he said he trusts me to 'work conscientiously' which. god. thats so kind but i dont do that #theres an assignment next week for book history that i dont have even started and dont understand #and i cant make myself do fucking anything at all i want to fucking cry #why cant my brain work normally please this one time #why cant literally anyone in a position of authority take me seriously that its a problem i am literally begging rn #im tired of being told that im smart so i can do it bc i literally cant anymore! its been getting worse for years! #i Am smart enough to do this but something else is wrong!! please!! im trying so hard and i know its not this difficult for everyone #im only taking 4 courses! i know people taking 5 who arent struggling as much as me w workloads!! #its gonna take me failing for anyone to care and i cannot fail at this point. im almost done #levi.txt #vent tw #and then i also feel bad bc i blame everything on my adhd #but also. it does fucking affect all aspects of my life #and i feel like i complain too much but that simultaneously nobody is getting how hard shit is for me/how im not ok #delete later #im not asking for attention rn im just yelling into the void dw abt it. ill probably feel better in an hour or two

[lusalemaart]

🥛🍔

#really getting fucking tired of tumblr not compressing my file itself. like it ruins the quality but it wont #automatically resize my massive fucking files!? gotta do it myself?? ugh. the lack of usability across all social media platforms is just #getting so hard to stomach anymore. nothing is functional. people get their accounts removed for no logical reason. im exhausted. #and yet i still want all my shit in a collective place -_- #ugh.do you ever look at something and are like. holy shit i painted this.damn. unfortunately it doesnt happen very often but when it does? #almost always my vent boy. why. why is that?why cant i paint anything half decent except this emo boy with a mullet?whatever. also. kinda #random but.not actually random. related actually.idk if this is just me but like. sometimes there are Articles in ur living space that just #exist. like u just accept they exist even tho u have no recollection of attaining them. im talkin clothes specifically rn. like i have this #aqua-green robe with blue trim that ive had as far back as i can recall...except i cant for the life of me remember where it came from! its #almost like it spawned in my closet one day.i just. accept it.like. dont get me wrong. it cozy. its quite physically held up for decades. #i wear it all the damn time. but ive no mortal clue how it got here. ive no memory of receiving it.also ngl i had way too much fun renderin #his beard.like u cant tell bc i apply about a million overlay layers and filters respectively to my finished works. ultimately covering up #hours + hours worth of finely rendered details each drawn individually by hand. deeming my efforts useless in the end bc i cover it up but. #trust me. i took some time with that beard.beard gang beard gang.mullet beard gang.dirty smelly mullet beard man. hello yes my name is #80 y/o who is 32/33 years old. how are you today? im personally doing terrible.good talk. WHAT CAN I SAY i just think the emo grown ass man #with boatloads of physical AND emotional trauma is neat. MY HANDS LOOK LIKE THIS SO HIS DONT HAVE TO *camera pans to a fucked up little set #of discolored claws skin translucent as alll hell. no muscle.atrophied beyond repair. also a bit of dirt is caked under the brittle + ridge #unhealthy nails. cuts and scraped take approx 3 months to heal bc the nerve functioning is That Bad*. #botdbs #fk #on a final note. I drew these about a week ago. I was literally only listening to cheeseburger in paradise the whole time. Then I learned #today that Jimmy Buffett passed away yesterday. broke my heart a little. i was just drinking my coffee from my margaritaville mug too. #Rest in peace legend. I hope heaven has so many cheeseburgers. #so many cheeseburgers in literal paradise. #Makin' the best of every virtue and vice. Worth every damn bit of sacrifice. to get a. cheeseburger in paradise.

[gommyworm]

:^l

#winter is the worst thing to exist ever #i feel like apologizing for being negative but also like this is my blog .... so whatever #anyways these past weeks have been a living hell i havent been so close to swerving into oncoming traffic in a while #regulsr depressions being acting up like a bich bc i havent seen anyone other than my family in weeks #i wake uo at 6 whatever am. go to work. go home. make dinner for my family. sit and read webcomics for a bit. go to sleep. #havent even been sleeping well lmao one of the onky pleasures in my life is being unconcious so this sucks #i had skating classes once a week but that last last thursday so like i dont even get that anymore #and i dont have any monry to sign myself uo for anything else bc i gotta give my mom 1k and i need to pay my credit card n student loans #anyways regular depression + seasonal depression + pmsing like fucking crazy + got in a fight w my mom again #bc shes telling me to get married lmfao but like i dont even leave the house ? im too busy taking care of her kids ? #and i dont even have money to do fun things bc im too stressed about giving her money for my shit head brother ? also i have no friends ? #friend 1 lives in a city 8 hrs away fridnd 2 scheduke doesnt line up w mine often and hes got exams n shjt also hes dealing w his own stuff #friend 3 is my ex who my mom would literally kill me if she knew i was seeing lol so like my options are very limited ! #anyways either im gonna have to leave the country or kill myself soon bc i cant live like this for too much longer #i keep telling myelf like oh when the kids are a bit older i can finally leave but like goddd i cant do this for another 3 years #i have literally nothing to live for i hope i die soon #gommywords #sorry if u are one of my 3 aformentioned friends n u read this shit lol i dont have the courage or strength to talk to ppl about things