#listen i just really love stress free creative efforts ok?

[androideql]

nothing like trying to write after n shots of vodka

#android talking #how much is n #yes #i actually really enjoy writing in these conditions because #this scene sounds so rad to me now but who knows what i'm gonna find tomorrow #probably a lot of fucking typos tbh #listen i just really love stress free creative efforts ok? #but i have such high standards for myself most of the time that i can't help but stress #i really cant help it #my ability to quickly write a good chunck of text was judged super harshly for 6+ years that shit just stays with you #anyway #delete later #probably

[i-write-boop-spoops]

Steven Stone Fluff Alphabet

To go along with my NSFW Alphabet, I decided to do some fluff for my favourite rock nerd. Hope you enjoy!

A = Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? how do they spend their free time?)

He loves being outside with you, going for hikes, walks and sea swims. Likes to learn with you too, wandering around museums and discovering new things about science, history and culture.

He probably won’t take you mining unless you’re really into it, it can be quite tedious and dangerous, but he loves when you help him polish stones, or help make them into decorations or jewellery.

He has a soft spot for lazy days where you two are draped across his couch watching trashy reality TV shows and fun, animated films

B = Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

Likes how kind and caring you are, not only to him, but to his Pokemon and almost everyone else.

He thinks you’re beautiful in every way, but he in particular thinks your eyes sparkle like the rarest, most precious gem he has ever seen.

C = Comfort (how do they help their s/o when they feel down? what makes them feel better?)

Steven is a little oblivious, so you might have to tell him that you’re down, but as soon as he knows, it’s his mission to cheer you up! Lots of kisses and cuddles, your favourite meals delivered, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. If you’re sad due to an insecurity, he will wax poetic about how amazing that part of you is to him.

If you’re very stressed due to work or school, and you finally have time off, he’s going to whisk you away to a sun-drenched beach in Alola, the finest room in Hotel Richissime in Lumiouse, or his gorgeous villa by the Batte Zone in Sinnoh (provided he hasn’t given it to some ten-year-old yet lol) to help you unwind and enjoy yourself.

When he’s down, he needs reassurance, and lots of physical affection. He might also throw himself into his work/hobbies to an extreme degree, skipping meals and sleeping little, so you’ll have to ensure he gets fed and a good few hours of sleep until he starts feeling better.

D = Dreams (how do they picture their future with their s/o and in general?)

He would love a little family with you, a couple kids running around, maybe in Mossdeep, but he’s down with moving inland, or to your home region if you’re not from Hoenn, if you would prefer.

He definitely dreams about kissing you goodbye and ruffling his kiddos’ hair before he goes to work. Since his mother died when he was so young, he never really got to experience the classic nuclear family, so he longs to provide it to his own children.

He’d like to go back to college too, get his Masters and maybe PhD in Geology and work in that field. He really does not want to be involved with the Devon Corporation, so he hopes he can work with it as little as possible

E = Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or are they rather passive?)

I would say your relationship is equal for the most part, the only thing that tips the scales in Steven’s favour is his wealth and connections. He can get you things or into places that you, as a regular person, wouldn’t be able to at all otherwise.

He doesn’t hold this over your head, he finds people who do that rather gross, and he’s not your sugar daddy either. He does spoil you sometimes, but that’s just one way he expresses his fondness for you.

F = Fight (how quick are they to forgive their s/o? what are they like in an argument? who says sorry first?)

Steven is a reasonable man, so I think once he’s calmed down and thought about it more, he’s ready to forgive you if you’re sorry, Now, this all depends on the nature of why you were in the wrong, if that’s the case. He will let small things slide, and is willing to compromise on bigger things, but if you do something like cheat on him, he will never forgive you.

When he is in the wrong though, he will own up to it, your relationship is more important than his pride.

He doesn’t go for cheap shots or low blows, and he only raises his voice if he is really pissed. If this is before you live together, and the fight occurs at his house, he will get you to leave, but makes sure you get home safe.

G = Gifts (what kind of things do they gift to their s/o? are they spontaneous or do they stick to special events like anniversaries?)

So. Many. Rocks.

Seriously, your shelves will be filled with amethyst clusters and pretty pebbles. Some of this rocks will be jewels encrusted in some stellar accessories.

Beyond that, he’ll get you things he thinks you might need. Complaining about your coffee maker? He’s just gotten you a top of the line model with a prepaid subscription to receive new pods full of expensive Kalosian coffee every month for the next five years. Need a new bag? He’ll have one that costs double your rent shipped to you by the end of the day.

His gifts are expensive and high quality, but he does not buy you them for the sake of flaunting wealth. He just thinks you’d like them.

H = Heart Eyes (what are they like in love? is it obvious to others? how do they express their love? do they brag about their s/o to others?)

Steven feels like nothing can bother him. His smile is wider and his eyes sparkle whenever he thinks of you. He compliments you all the time and gives you lots of tender kisses and touches, spoils you a bit too. He doesn’t really brag, he thinks your amazingness stands for itself.

I = Impression (what first attracted them to their s/o? how accurate was their first impression to how their s/o actually is?)

He just thought you were very pretty when you first met, very sweet and cute. Evidently he was correct :)

J = Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? how do they deal with it?)

Steven rarely gets jealous. He’s not an arrogant guy in any way really, but he is confident in himself and in your relationship.

Things like money, power or status don’t threaten him, but appearance, particularity musculature, does. Steven’s quite the lean, slim guy, and sometimes he thinks he might not be strong or masculine enough for you, no matter how much you disagree. It honestly made him hurt a little when you jokingly called Leon, the Galar champion, a himbo.

When he is jealous, he gets a little stiff, he frowns, he holds onto you a little tighter if you’re around the person who makes him jealous. When he’s alone, he laments about it.

K = Kiss (are they a good kisser? what was their first kiss like? where do they kiss the most?)

Steven is a suave, smooth kisser, each kiss makes you feel like you’re the most precious thing in the world.

Your first kiss with him felt right, he gently cupped your cheeks and kissed you slowly in a manner that portrayed exactly how he felt about you.

He likes to kiss your cheek and forehead, and sometimes your knuckles if he’s holding your hand.

L = Little Things (what are the little things they love about their s/o? are they attentive?)

He loves how kind you are, loves how you treat his Pokémon like each one is the cutest ever, even if they are decidedly not cute. He likes how you look after him, making sure he sleeps and eats, showing up to his house randomly with treats or just to visit him. He really appreciates it.

M = Marriage (do they want to get married? how do they propose? what would the wedding be like?)

Making you his spouse would make him so happy!

His proposal would be very intimate, a night time picnic, either stargazing, watching fireworks or a meteor shower. He’d turn to you, with a soft smile, and tell you exactly how much you mean to him, and how much he loves you. Then, he would take out a small velvet box and ask you to marry him. The ring would be jaw-droppingly ornate, with your favourite gem in the middle.

The wedding would be intimate too, very swanky, with geode centrepieces and formal attire. He’d ultimately like to hold it in somewhere like Reflection Cave, but he’s down to hold it in a castle or hotel otherwise, with nice gardens of course.

N = Nicknames (what do they call their s/o? what do they get called?)

He calls you sweetheart, darling, love, my gem.

You call him Stevie, babe and dreamboat. Sometimes rock nerd or dork if he’s going on about geology.

O = Open (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? is it easy for them to share?)

He’s pretty open, once you two have been together for a good while. He trusts you enough to tell you his insecurities and darkest thoughts, like how he feels burdened by the weight of his responsibilities, how his strained relationship with his father affects him, or how he still has trauma regarding the loss of his mother.

Just make sure to give him a big hug after he tells you, ok?

P = Pancakes (are they a good cook? how often do they cook for their s/o? breakfast in bed or fancy dinner dates?)

Steven cannot cook to save his life. He never needed to learn, they had a personal chef at home when he was growing up, and when he was older he would go out for food or get it delivered all the time. This continues when you get together, he always insists on paying.

That being said, he’s definitely up to learn, especially if you teach him, or if you can’t cook either, he’d love to learn with you.

Q = Quirk (a random quality/ability that is beneficial to their relationship.)

Steven has a super gentle, super careful touch, which means he gives the most amazing scalp massages. You have no choice but to melt when his fingers are caressing your head.

R = Romance (how romantic are they? are they cliché or creative?)

Extremely romantic, more elegant than corny. He wants you to know how beautiful and amazing you are, and he wants to put in effort to prove that point.

S = Sleep (who falls asleep first? do they need their s/o close to them? do they have any bad habits?)

You do usually, he likes to watch you snooze before he falls asleep. He likes to have you close to him, but he can sleep without you just fine, not waking up next to you is really more of a pain to him.

For bad habits? Steven has a tendency to lose track of time and go to bed very late. It can be frustrating when you need a good cuddle before bed, and when you have to deal with a barely-conscious, sometimes grouchy Steven in the morning.  

T = Thrill (do they need to spice up their relationship with new things or do they stick to a routine? how often do they do new things?)

If Steven wants to go somewhere or do something, he does because he has the luxury to. So when it comes to new experiences, like visiting somewhere new, trying a new activity, and you both want to go there or try it, he will have it organised straight away.

He only really has a routine when league business is in full swing, and when he is no longer champion, anything goes. Though if you have a routine, he will work around it.

U = Unity (did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? what traits do they share?)

Steven, due to his wealth and connections, had a habit of dropping everything to go on trips or rock-hunting whenever he felt like, which was detrimental to many of his relationships, mainly because he wouldn’t notify people before he left.

You, however, have taught him the importance of taking other people’s feelings and opinions into account. You’re so attentive with him, and in turn, he learns how to do just that with all the important people in his life.

You’re both kind people, who care deeply about each other and Pokemon

V = Value (how important is their relationship to them? what is it worth compared to other things in their life?)

At the beginning, the relationship is just a luxury for him, something he enjoys, but not something he needs in his life. But the longer you two are together, the more important you and your needs become to him.

You definitely become his point of focus, your happiness is his goal. He doesn’t stop engaging in his hobbies and interests, but he does do so in a manner that disrupts your relationship the least.

You are his rock, the love of his life, and he puts you before everything.

W = Wild Card (a random fluff headcanon.)

Cried while drunk at his Bachelor Party because he just really wanted to be married to you already and he could not understand why he had to wait to do so.

X = XOXO (do they like to kiss and cuddle? are they upfront about their relationship or rather shy when in public?)

Steven is quite affectionate at home, lots of soft kisses, hugs and long cuddles.

In public, his displays of affection are very elegant and appropriate. He wants you to know he loves you and finds you beautiful, even when in public. He likes to hold your hand, or rest his on your hip or the small of your back.

Will kiss your lips as a greeting or to say goodbye, but will mostly stick to occasionally kissing your cheek or forehead when you’re out.

Y = Yearning (how do they cope when they spend time away from their s/o? do they miss their s/o?)

Steven really starts missing you when there’s no way you can be together, like when he’s abroad and/or working. Usually during these times, he texts frequently and calls you at least once a day, provided he’s not stuck in some cave. He likes to gaze fondly at pictures of you, planning how he’ll make it up to you when you reunite

Z = Zoo (do they have pets? do they want some in the future?)-

Of course! He is/was a champion after all, so he has his pokemon team, plus some random beldum floating around. You treat his like your own, and vice versa, so it’s a very happy household.

#steven stone #steven stone x reader #steven stone fluff #champion steven #champion steven x reader #tsuwabuki daigo x reader #tsuwabuki daigo #oras #silver haired dreamboat

[otherdimensionalapple]

Heyy!! Can you please please do a future spouse characteristics and personality reading for me?? I would be grateful for your efforts!! I hope its no bother. Thank youuu 🥺💖

disclaimer: this is a prediction and it's based on the current energy, so it might not necessarily become 'true' exactly the way I predict it. Please take everything with a grain of salt. Things can change.

a/n: hello my dear! Of course I can do that for you! Don’t worry, it’s ok☺️✨ I really enjoyed doing this reading! Your fs seems to be such a sweetheart! 😆 Feel free to give me some feedback!💚

𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐅𝐒' 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

The personality of your future spouse is represented by the whale spirit. Your future spouse might be someone who really cares for their emotional health as well as their stability. The desire to delve deeper and deeper, they are not afraid of emotional expression or traversing difficult terrain, as they have already overcome many challenges in their lives. These experiences have enriched them and given them stability, strength and a depth that is rare. Whale energy is usually linked to the feminine forces of compassion and communication. They are someone you can depend on when all else seems lost and you can trust them to be a beacon in your darkest hour. Very calm, profoundly peaceful and steady. When stressed or when they’re generally out of balance, their energy might become very heavy, and they themselves become very melancholic and slip into old habits/patterns. Regular self care is important for them in those moments! They are a very magnetic person, and might be a bit intimidating at times. They have a nurturing instinct and like taking care of others. They might be sensitive to sounds, rhythm and poetry. Might be good at taking care of plants as well. They always feel like they have a purpose and they see the big spiritual picture. They are like a blessing! Healing energy, family oriented, what they have to share with the world is very valuable. A natural leader, but not someone who always likes to take charge of something. They just have the qualities to be a great leader. I love their energy!

However, they might be the type to get caught up in their own insecurities. They might feel the need to hide or withdraw, even though they are such a great person with a lovely energy. They tend to worry too much, might have to deal with anxiety, crisis or just feeling trapped. Their feelings can be very deep and complex. But they’re very hardworking , able to endure a lot, someone who can create a stable and comfortable place for their family and loved ones. Someone people look up to. Very compassionate, balanced and down to earth. They can naturally make other people feel secure and are just deeply kind-hearted.

They have a vast knowledge, someone who can give great advice as well as listen attentively. Very intuitive, wanting to form their own conclusions, their power is vast but subtle, slightly mysterious. They might enjoy being alone in the darkness - thinking, reflecting and gathering energy. They might feel restricted and powerless at times, but that’s just all in their head, they imposed those things on themselves. They need to be more honest with themselves. They are isolating themselves too much at times. They are someone who takes accountability of all they do.

They might also have a creative, carefree and exciting side to them, a passion for life and for learning, in those times their free-spirit comes out as well as their innocent way of viewing the world. Curious by heart. They are able to balance the subconscious and the physical world, taking the middle road. They try to go with the flow and to take everything in moderation, and they have to be careful to not stretch themselves too thin. Patient and able to adapt to any situation. They have a pure heart. Beautiful energy.

However, they might be prone to give in to their ego, lusting for (for them) harmful or unnecessary things, unwilling to leave negative situations, overworking themselves, taking on too many responsibilities which results in overburden and stress. They might easily fall into addictions to cope with their situations (can also be something like excessive daydreaming or desperately distracting themselves with their phone etc). They are able to be very successful, just because they are hardworking, knowledgeable and have an attractive energy and personality. But success can also be a burden on them. So moderation and self care is really important.

Overall, they are a very loving and protective person, self sacrificing and nurturing. But also very abundant and accomplished. Their energy shines bright and it feels like everything is blooming around them.

Their current attitude towards love is represented by the two of swords and the king of cups. Overall, they might feel stuck and a bit afraid to proceed in their love life. They behave very indecisively and passively at the moment. Lot’s of thinking and worrying. They know that they should make an important decision and a lack of action makes the situation worse. I feel like they love love and the idea of finding someone who equally loves you back, dreaming about that one special person they will meet someday (hint: you). They have sooo much love to give but they don’t know what to do with it. It seems like no one is worthy enough of their love, they all just take their love for granted :(

They might still lack a bit of self love or self worth. They need to acknowledge themselves more and pure all the love they have into themselves first. As long as they don’t do that they will always end up with overburden and exhaustion, overextending themselves for love. Setting up boundaries for themselves is what they need to do. Furthermore, they need to understand what an amazing person they are!!!

Zodiac signs I had in mind while reading: strong gemini, sagittarius and capricorn!! they might also have a bit of aquarius and maybe be moon or venus dominant.

#personal reading #fs reading #future spouse's personality #simplified1111 #lady apple #PER

[happypeachwhispers]

Fries Meet Guys: ALEX HØGH ANDERSEN - I DIDN'T THINK I WAS A PERSON WHO SHOULD TALK ABOUT ANXIETY - Part Two: Performing, Friendship

Thank you for your patience, here’s the long awaited part two! Are you crying, cause I’m crying. He’s such a profound human being.

Taglist: @ivarsrideordie @tgrrose @shannygoatgruff @youbloodymadgenius @boltslightning @alexein13 @ivaraddict @jupiter-sagittarius

PART ONE HERE

PARTS THREE TO EIGHT

I was all over the place, like I always am, after all, and I enjoyed that experience a lot, it filled something inside of me. I always knew I needed something else. I sure was a pain in the ass for many people, but then I met a whole group of people just like me and I learned what acceptance means. What was percieved as “different” in my daily life became normal and I felt at home. I was certainly the most determined one, the first time at the Eventyrteatret I was the only one of 50 kids in the room who didn't live in Copenhagen and had to take a long trip to get there. It was so crazy and chaotic. It was so strange that they sang and danced, and then they all danced in sync into a song they prepared for the annual performance. Well, back then I thought it was weird, but a month went by and it became completely normal for me. “I'm one of you”.

It was a new experience. You suddenly started singing and dancing in Copenhagen, how was that recieved back at home in Skælskør?

I think it took some time for the people I used to hang out with to understand that. I have to say I may remember feeling a little bit out of place. But it also has to be said, I've always been pretty comfortable in school, honestly. I have never been the one who has been so unpopular or I have struggled extra hard, I think. So it was, maybe, a little bit difficult. It might have been hard for me not to be accepted anymore because I was accepted before. Their point of view wasn't the big challenge for me, I actually think it was more an internal challenge with myself, I could feel there was a completely different world. I didn't know anything about it but I just made room for myself and I discovered there was a part of me I had no idea was there in the first place.

Was it difficult to maintain frendships in school when you were busy driving back and forth between Skælskør and Copenhagen?

It has actually not been that bad in primary school. But I have to say in high school, yes, it was. I have some friends from high school I talk to every now and then, but no, I didn't maintain any close friendship. I basically lived a double life throughout high school, where I was either at the Eventyrteatret or I was shooting the advent calendar in Aalborg. So I was pretty much not there, my social life was in Copenhagen. I had a girlfriend there too. I just didn't feel the need for a social life in Skælskør. And the free time I had was pretty much all absorbed by my profession.

I think we can all relate.

Yes but usually Danish kids in high school when they have free time they wanna party, that's what happens when you're part of a group of friends in high school.

We have had some other guests in the studio who have had very different experiences. How is your situation friendship-wise in school at this point?

I had some friends in high school, in my class and in other classes, absolutely. But I spent almost all the time with the group of friends in Copenhagen, so I was not influenced by my high school mates and their choices that much. I've felt a lil bit different because I've had a double life. I mostly had different group of friends in relation to the activity I shared with them. The group of friends I acted with, the group I went to college with and then a small group I talk to from time to time mostly individually.

Do you have both female and male friends?

Yes, I do. I would say I have more male friends tho. It's a mixed bunch of ordinary people, both women and men.

Is the way you communicate with your female friends different from the way you communicate with your male friends?

Definitely. You have to be more of a listener, I'm pretty good at listening, I think you have to adapt and communicate in a different way based on who is in front of you. See, with men you talk a certain way, that sort of street style if you will.  It comes natural because that's the way you talk to each other since the first day you met. But when you have in front of you people who are pretty cool and you have to impress them, you just have to do this and that, and that's what it's needed. But I would like to be able to be honest, always. And it's not hard at all, I’ve been really good at surrounding myself with some really, really pleasant people. I can afford to be myself at all times and they can be one hundred percent themselves with me.

What does it mean to be your authentic self for you?

It means that one can afford to have not only a good day but also a bad one. To be able to be stupid and not have to be slaughtered for it. I can be weird and crazy and say some stupid things without having to go half an hour afterwards and hit myself in the head. These are little things that are so insanely hard to find. I'm very lucky. I can pretty much talk about everything with them, we are very very honest with each other. In January, I was in Tenerife with three of my friends, and we brought along our stories in the luggage. I was suffering from anxiety and I had a sore stomach, it lasted four months, I was finally getting better. Another friend of mine, he's extreme. The love game hits him immensely. The other one suffers from depression. He generally has a hard time figuring out what he wants and what he doesn't existentially. And then we have number four, thank God, he doesn't have the same big problems. He holds us all together. It was a great experience, I remember us four sitting around the table and talking while eating pizza with shrimps. We sat for three or four hours talking non-stop about nothing but our problems that one could imagine they are extremely taboo for other groups.

Did sharing with each other give you something on an emotional level?

Oh yes, absolutely. We support each other by sharing and it's awesome to have people you trust so much to share such personal issues with. And so I think in 2019 in today's Denmark, that's what it means to be a man. To be able to comprehend people and understand. I see instead a lot of carelessness and stereotypes.

Didn't you encounter those qualities in other men, as an adult?

No, not at all. It's not about stereotypes. We have just as many problems as everyone else and we are extremely worried about it financially and emotionally. Anxiety. Social education, existential issues. It can be anything. All my friends, all the people I have in my life, they all have problems to a greater or lesser degree. Absolutely. But that's what it means to be human. And that's what it means to be a man. It means you are making mistakes, you are imperfect. You are a fool, and you must be allowed to be a fool, and you will also stand on your own. You're going to hurt other people because you're human. But you must also be forgiven, and you must also be able to forgive. You just need care and understanding.

Were you able to find the care and understanding you need?

Alex groans – Yes and no.

Do I have to change subject?

Alex laughs – No, it's ok. I am open to recieve care. It's just that I stress a lot about my mistakes, your head plays games with you and you just have to survive.

You can't control everything you can handle, what a funny paradox. You describe yourself as a person who likes to take up a lot of space and fill a lot. And then I also sense that when it comes to emotions, for example, to take a seat and ask for help, then it's a whole different thing.

Yes, that's true. I don't know, I'm fucking complicated and I don't know how to handle it at all. I believe in nature and creativity. I have always had a lot of willpower and then I had my mother showing me the right path, then you grow up and learn to control yourself. But I have a hard time talking about it. I told you, I don't know. Yes, I am a human being who goes through a lot and thinks such extremely deep thoughts, I put all that in my creativity, in my work. That helps me. Then I have moments when I'm completely wrapped in my own thoughts, but I think, generally, I'm a relaxed person. I do my very best just not to do all that thinking and that takes a lot of effort. I won't let those thoughts get under my skin because I know all too well that it's not good for me.

END PART TWO

Ask me in messages if you wanna be tagged // Feel free to like, comment and share, thank you!

#podcast #translation #alex høgh andersen #interview

[gastropodpapa]

For everyone it applies to in the Obey Me verse: What is their favorite position? Sort of inspired by my cuddle position ask, but also inspired by your headcanons for their dom/sub/top/bottom statuses.

I actually had to go back and reread my own post bc I am a jumbo dumbass.

I’m going to assume you mean sexual position, so here goes. I think they’re all too esoteric to be strictly dom/sub and bottom/top, though. So prepare for trouble, and make it double. I didn’t do everyone cause like,,,,,,, no thoughts head empty, so i hope you don’t mind just 7.5 characters.

Lucifer:

Bottoming: Though I doubt he’d let just anyone top him, I get the sense that if he was getting railed by someone he’s not super emotionally attached to yet he’d be more inclined to still be in control. He might prefer riding someone, if he’s wanting to still be dictating pace etc. But with someone he’s subbing for, I think he’s a pillow princess ngl. Partially to hide his face/muffle his sounds since we KNOW this guy doesn’t have as much self-control as he thinks, partially bc he just wants some stress relief and relaxing on his stomach with a comfy pillow while he gets his whole pelvis destroyed it a great way to unwind. Topping: I don’t think about the guys as tops v much cause I’m, for the most part, an IMMACULATE TOP and as such it’s just not as interesting to me. HOWEVER: Lucifer would wanna top in any position where he can see his partner’s reactions. Gives him the Big Ego when he knows he’s making them feel good. pride man take me by the hand. If he’s emotionally attached to the person he’d wanna hold them close, cause I’ve seen how much of a cheesy romantic asshole he’s turned into in-game LMFAO Mammon:

Bottoming: Honestly? He’ll take just about any position as long as he can hold onto or bite down on something to muffle himself. Y’all know he’s a loud bottom. YOU KNOW IT OK- ok i need to chill. He does have a special love for getting bent over the side of a bed or a table but that could just be me projecting what i wanna do to him and pushed around a bit, even though he whines about it to preserve his ego.

Topping: Missionary, probably. If he’s feeling embarrassed about his reactions, he can just bury his face in his partner’s neck instead of focusing on keeping his face and voice under control. Or he can bury his face into his partner’s neck for Additional Intimacy via neck kissing and getting pets on the head while being told how well he’s doing. Win-win. He’s also fond of getting a smaller partner to sit on his lap while he fucks them so he can hold them close and feel like he’s supporting them. service top hours. he’s so cute heLP Levi:

Bottoming: EXTREMELY loud bottom no matter what position. This man has perfected the hentai moan. Possibly the ahegao face as well. I think he might like to get railed from behind, either pushed up against a wall or mirror/bent over a desk/etc or doggystyle. Either way, he likes to be in his demon form so he can get his tail squeezed and/or wrap it around his partner. Topping: This man is...... snakey. He has no bones. Extremely flexible.I can see him getting into a few interesting positions, but honestly I can’t think of any specifics bc up until very recently I avoided thinking of him in a sexual way. I DO know that his tail would go crazy unless he had something to anchor it to (like, for example, mc’s leg) Satan:

Shockingly, despite being a huge Satan stan, I don’t think about him in sexual situations very much? Which is literally the main reason it took me like A MILLION YEARS to publish this.

Bottoming: Ok hear me out,,,,,, What if he likes being shoved back against a wall though. 😳 Get a little bit rough with him, maybe? I think he might enjoy that.

Topping: This one depends a bit on his mood, but generally unless it’s Angy Stress Relief Fuckin’ he likes to be behind his partner with his face up by their neck/shoulder so he can whisper fun things in their ear and/or bite.

Asmo:

We know this guy is probably down for just about anything, at least once. Any position is good with him honestly. But he does have favorites.

Bottoming: He would like to be picked up and sat down on something so he can wrap his legs around his partner. This can be a pretty versatile position too, because he can lay on his back and/or push his partner’s head down to hip level if he’s feeling a bit bratty. I’m sure he can get much more creative with the possibilities than me, some guy writing this at 7 am while waiting for his breakfast burrito to cool. But the real appeal for him is getting manhandled. We know he’d love it. If his partner can’t lift him, he’ll hop up on the kitchen counter/table/dresser/etc himself and pull them in. Win-win.

Topping: Any position where he can show off his moves. Of which he has many. He also likes any position where his hands are free to roam all over his partner’s body (and make good use of his knowledge of all sorts of sensitive places one might have). Honestly there’s just too many to choose from and just thinking “there’s too many to choose from” has made me imagine Asmo on his phone scrolling some knockoff kama sutra app while his partner is waiting for him to decide how they fuck.

Beel:

Bottoming: Probably more than happy to bottom, because one he’s very inclined to please his partner, two he’s much less likely to misjudge his own strength, three he gets to lay back and be indulged with as much dick as he likes. Gluttony does not extend only to food, people. ;) ANYWAY BACK TO POSITIONS: He’s quite happy to lay on his stomach and let his partner go to town on him while he bites down on a pillow (probably ripping it to shreds and getting feathers/stuffing EVERYWHERE). He also dreams of one day riding someone, but he thinks his size will hamper that. BUT NOT NECESSARILY MUAHAHAH can you tell i’m thirsty for this big lad

Topping: Honestly? Two modes. Soft service top, simple missionary style. Or gluttony time, where he just indulges in his partner until they’re both exhausted, probably in a nice reverse of the pillow biting from the previous section.

Belphie:

Bottoming: Pillow prince. Listen to me. PILLOW. PRINCE. Lazy as fuck, honestly. Just wants to lay back and get railed. Or lay on his stomach and hold onto a pillow so he can immediately go to sleep when his partner is trying to clean him up. Lazy motherfucker. He does get bratty though, and dragging him up to his hands and knees so he has to hold his own weight is an excellent way to get him to either shut up or complain more.

Topping: Depends. Also has two modes: Lazy top who’s more inclined to let his partner put forth all of the effort or (hoo hoo get ready for animal motif jokes) an absolute bullride. Really depends on how tired he is at the time and how much he’s been teased. Either way, I suspect he likes his partner to ride him so that 1; he doesn’t have to put forth as much effort and 2: he can still hold onto them and maybe pull them close if he’s feeling soft and cozy.

Diavolo:

Bottoming: Just about any position, honestly. Man craves being topped. As long as he’s getting fucked (and preferably getting some rough treatment at the same time) he’s happy.

Topping: I’m too much of a top to answer this one and my only thoughts about diavolo include him being a bottom, sorry mate

#Spicy #gender neutral #diavolo is a bottom and you can't convince me otherwise

[fairycosmos]

does being good at math mean you are smart? sometimes i think im smart because of that but other times i think i am a complete moron. I don’t know what to believe. I cannot trust my own mind. how is what i think valid or credible in any shape or form. this just gives me so much anxiety, that i cannot even trust that my own thoughts are objective enough, i just have to accept that they are even when i know i will never be certain of the truth. what is your take on this?

hey bro i think……there are a million different ways to be smart, for real. and i know we’re raised in an educational system that has ruined learning by imposing grades and inducing anxiety to stress young ppl into producing the ‘results’ they need, but i’d suggest trying to take a step back from those toxic/unnecessary  ideas when possible….. being good at maths is great, as it shows a strong capability to problem solve and compartmentalize. but it’d be ok if you weren’t. it wouldn’t mean anything about who you are. look, there’s emotional intelligence, creative intelligence, existential intelligence, interpersonal intelligence…..and so much more beyond that. to me, this sounds like an issue with your confidence and your self perception more than anything else. it seems like you don’t think you deserve to be listened to unless you’re 100% right about everything, which isn’t possible for anyone. like i said before, this anxiety is ingrained into us from a young age, but i think it’d be more effective to try and tackle that, rather than trying not to fuck up 24/7 and berating yourself when you do :( because that just leads to a cycle of self hatred and emotional turmoil. you really deserve better than that, dont you think? ik this is a stressful idea, but i’d really recommend talking to a counselor or a professional about this if it’s having an impact on your mental well being.  maybe someone at school, or your doctor/parents could refer you to a service in your community? you need to learn how to let yourself be, how to identify self hating thoughts that are only there because you’ve been taught for so long that these are the standards you must meet. once you start challenging them, and implementing healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety when you feel like you’ve made a mistake, then you’ll notice a massive difference…..just takes time and concentrated effort. i get that it’s a lot to think about, but please dont write it off completely. it’s alright to talk about this sort of thing, and biting the bullet and going for it is the scariest part. you’re not alone. look, you’re a human, so of course you’re going to act like one. i think most ppl have moments where they think they’re the dumbest person on the planet, especially when we’re young. it’s humbling, it’s how we grow and learn right from wrong. if you thought you were smart all the time, your ignorance would probably prevent you from actually being so. if you think you’re dumb all the time, your sensitivity and inaccurate self judgement is probably warping your reality a little. the majority fall somewhere in the middle, in my experience. also, sure there’s an objective truth, but it will always be slightly marred by your own perception when it comes to your own life, it’s like that for everyone. we don’t all register things in an identical manner, even if we’re looking at the same thing. and that doesn’t mean anyones an idiot, it’s a matter of our individual brains working uniquely as they should. honestly seems like reality is a lot less defined than we’re led to believe. so it’s a GOOD thing to question what you think you know bc that means you’re open to learning more and changing your view point as you gather new info, which is to me a sign that you’re hungry for knowledge. you dont have to be certain of anything, really. you just have to try your best. if you fall flat on your face, you will survive it. you will get up knowing better. but anyway above all, i think it’s important to know that your existence and worth as human being truly doesn’t hinge on whether or not you can prove yourself through being the smartest person in the room. i understand striving for a certain academic caliber, and to an extent it’s not an unhealthy goal, but imo it’s better to prioritize being the best type of person you can be. there are likely so many wonderful attributes about yourself that you don’t even see because you’re so stressed abt what you’re bringing to the table on an intellectual level. but the ppl that love you and the ppl that will love you in the future don’t see that alone when they look at you, you know? goddd this got long sorry, but i understand being insecure abt this sort of issue. it occupies a lot of my mind, too. and i’m shit at maths lmfao! but yeah dude, you’re not what you think you are and you don’t have to be so afraid. it may take months or years to really learn or internalize that, and that’s alright. getting to a place where you’re comfortable in your own skin is a long process for most. but you’re on the right path if you’re trying every day to be a bit more gentle with yourself, even when you feel dumb. if you want to talk more abt this i’ll be here, but until then please take care and feel free to put down this weight you’re carrying, even just sometimes, even just to rest.

#anon #being smart.....it's never been me. but it's not going to dictate my whole life anymore

[beckzorz]

Out of Nowhere (4/21)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/OFC Summary: An offhand comment at work draws Jesse Kaplan into the orbit of Bucky Barnes. Bucky’s excited at the prospect of normalcy, but there’s nothing normal about falling in love with the Winter Soldier. Words: 3016 A/N: The song for this chapter is “Brooklyn Boogie” by Louis Prima from Jumpin’ With The Big Swing Bands. We’ve got more interaction upcoming, prepare yourself... It might even be less awkward than before XD Hope you enjoy!

PART 4: “BROOKLYN BOOGIE”

    Today, 2:08 PM

itsadrian: guess what jesse.kaplan: What? itsadrian: i googled bucky barnes again jesse.kaplan: … no itsadrian: yes itsadrian: i couldn’t help myself lol itsadrian: i was surprised jesse.kaplan: I don’t want to know!!! jesse.kaplan: I’m serious!! itsadrian: ok ok! my lips are sealed itsadrian: … are you planning on seeing him again? jesse.kaplan: asdfhuihtlsbt jesse.kaplan: I have WORK TO DO itsadrian: lol ok ok

—

Adrian was from the internet. Jesse had never met her in person, but Adrian was the person she talked to most. Barely a day went by when they didn’t share some anecdote from their day, though it was rarely anything particularly groundbreaking. Meeting the Winter Soldier was probably the most interesting thing that had ever happened to either of them—Adrian was a receptionist for a contracting firm, and she had ample free time to message. Jesse worked quickly enough to sneak in a few chats during the day, and the timing usually worked out despite the hour difference.

Jesse hadn’t spoken of her encounters with Barnes with anyone else, and dealing with Adrian’s questions had been harrowing enough. Now wasn’t the time to be distracted—another project was coming up, and they needed flyers edited and printed, and…

And Jesse was only just focused enough to carry out the mundane edits, the mundane printing, the mundane going and gathering and envelope-stuffing.

It was really rather remarkable how much effort it took not to think about something. At the printer, she tried not to think about how she’d heard of Barnes’ first visit to Marilyn just here, juggling papers just as now. At her desk, it was about all the times he’d called her smart. On her way home, when she itched to pull out her phone to talk to someone, anyone about it, there was his terrible texting. She’d thought a guy who grew up in the typewriter era would use full words, but he’d adjusted to that aspect of modernity perfectly well.

Jesse sighed and stuffed her hands between her knees. What was the matter with her? No one warranted this much sustained thought, not even a superhero. If anything, that made it worse. Sure, she’d sighed over a famous person now and again, but she’d never actually met any of them. It was almost a given that they’d be a disappointment after any errant daydreams of perfect, charming strangers swooping in and… well. And.

Of course, Bucky Barnes was far from perfect. Awkward, uncomfortable, sometimes downright unsettling. The memory of that coldness that crept over him every so often made her shiver even in the heat of the subway. It was almost enough to make her forget his brief bursts of warmth.

But not quite.

Jesse clutched her purse to her side as she hurried up the stairs to street level, five blocks east, and up two flights of stairs to her apartment. She slipped out of her flats and leaned heavily against the door. Fran wasn’t home yet—he went to the gym after work most days—so she had the place to herself for at least another half-hour.

Plenty of time for a cold shower.

–

    XXX-XXX-XXXX     Today, 6:42 PM

XXX-XXX-XXXX: i have an idea XXX-XXX-XXXX: u free sat?

–

Jesse nearly dropped her towel when she checked her phone. She brushed her wet hair back to keep it from dripping on her screen and hastily responded in the affirmative. Then she flopped onto her bed, hair slick against her neck and heart racing.

So much for that cold shower.

–

Saturday was beautiful. Blue sky, fluffy clouds, not so much sun exposure that Jesse had to worry about sunburns or, god forbid, a tan. Bucky had suggested a cafe in Brooklyn Heights; Jesse had googled it yesterday, and it looked reasonable enough. Less than an hour to get there. She had no idea where Barnes lived—and she doubted he knew where she did either—but Brooklyn Heights was where Steve Rogers had grown up. It was Bucky Barnes’ home turf too, whether or not he lived there still.

Jesse got a small table along the wall and sat facing the room. Sitting with her back to a room always raised her hackles, and in this case, well, she was waiting for someone. She tapped her foot, anxious, not at all in time to the quiet music piped in from the ceiling. According to her phone, she was still a few minutes early.

The muted television was playing local news. How could a string of overnight break-ins be unconfirmed? Did they know what unconfirmed meant? Jesse ignored the television and checked her phone, then studied the other customers. The people sitting alone were all either using their phones or reading books. Some were probably doing both. Jesse studied the various groups—a couple here, a trio of laughing high schoolers there. Some senior citizens, some yoga moms.

Did she look alright? She tucked the stray hairs at her temples behind her ears for the hundredth time. She couldn’t do anything more, but that didn’t stop her worrying the inside of her lip. Well, she could adjust her posture. She sat up as straight as she could, then deflated. She didn’t want to look like a board.

The chime of the door was a relief, if only to distract her from her own busy mind. But behind the initial clump of college boys was Bucky Barnes, a cap low on his head and his arms stiff at his sides. His discomfort was palpable, and Jesse winced at his expression. He looked as uncomfortable as he’d first been on Thursday, before he’d relaxed into their first dance. He’d never really recovered—she considered their brief conversation in the hospital elevator the most relaxed he’d been with her yet—but he had calmed down.

She hoped he’d calm down here, too. She didn’t think she could handle the secondhand stress on top of actually listening to whatever he had to say.

Bucky spotted her and made a beeline for her table. She stood up hastily and smiled.

“Hey,” she said.

He hummed in response, sliding neatly into the chair across from her. Jesse sat back down. Apparently they hadn’t reached hugging status. Oh well.

She tucked her phone into her back pocket. “How are you?”

“Fine,” he said. “You?” He wasn’t looking at her. Not directly, at least.

Jesse got the feeling he was sussing out the room. She glanced around again, curiosity rekindled. Trying to see through his eyes was an exercise in creativity. “I’m fine,” she said, attention elsewhere. “Did you want to get something to drink?”

He paused, frowned.

“I can get it, if you want,” she offered, pity overcoming her spending budget.

“No,” he said. He stood abruptly, his chair scraping against the floor. “I can take care of myself.”

“Well, duh,” Jesse said, amusement tinging her annoyance into something bearable. “You don’t always have to, though. Waiting in line is boring.”

“So we can wait together.”

At that, Jesse smiled. “Good call.”

The line was short, and Bucky went unidentified—or at least, unapproached—as they put in their drink orders. He gave his name as James, not Bucky, which gave Jesse pause. Should she call him that, here in public? It didn’t seem necessary. She’d never even spoken his name aloud. Not that she could remember, anyway. She thought of him unnervingly often, sure, but they were worlds apart. Calling him Bucky? Saying the name aloud?

She wasn’t sure she could say it without betraying herself.

And she sure as hell wasn’t going to try today.

“So,” she said once they were back at a table. “You said you had an idea?”

“Yeah.” Bucky gripped his Americano—his hands dwarfed the small cup—and stared at her seriously. “I have an idea for your work.”

“Cool!” Jesse said. “You should talk to Marilyn once she’s better. Or I can connect you with—”

“I want to talk to you.”

Jesse blinked, touched. Touched and confused. “Okay, well, here I am. Talk away.”

“I liked teaching those kids,” he said. “They got over… it. Me. And they learned. They liked learning.”

“That’s great.” She grinned. He’d gotten that experience partly because of her. There was no harm in feeling smug about her contribution.

“Yeah, it was.” He took a steadying breath. “I want to do it again.”

“Ah?” Jesse blinked. That was good to hear, but why wasn’t he talking to Marilyn again? This all was her department, not Jesse’s. Jesse didn’t have a department.

“Could we do something like that with dancing?”

“Sure! There are loads of great teachers around. It’d be easy to find someone.”

“I already did,” Bucky said. His lips twitched now. He was amused by… her?

“Oh,” she said. Her cheeks flamed. “You meant actual we.”

“Yeah.”

Jesse scrambled to put together a coherent response. Her heart sang—Bucky wanted to do something with her!—but her brain screamed in terror. How could he think this was a good idea?! “I’ve never taught before. I wouldn’t know how to explain what I’m doing!”

“You’re smart, I bet you could figure it out.”

Did he always dismantle concerns so easily? She didn’t feel particularly smart at the moment. “I don’t like crowds,” she tried.

He rolled his eyes. “I managed.”

She cradled her iced mocha, staring down through the plastic lid at the milkiness below. Bucky had managed everything life had thrown at him. Almost dying, losing a limb, brainwashing, cryofreeze, more brainwashing, living as a fugitive… As uncomfortable as he behaved in aimless crowds, they were surely nothing next to all the horrors he’d had to deal with. And while he wasn’t at ease, he didn’t shy away from invitations. At least, not from her.

Jesse, meanwhile, had managed by avoiding all the things she feared and disliked. Unstructured crowds, leadership positions, deeply committed romance… She was fine, she was doing fine, but putting herself in the spotlight was high on her list of things to avoid.

She’d never been brave. She’d been smart. She’d been so smart that she’d never really learned how to screw up, and up to now she’d been too afraid to try.

Jesse snuck a glance at Bucky. He was staring at her over the rim of his cup as he drank. Was he daring her to say yes? Or just waiting for an answer?

What would happen if she said no? Disappointment, no doubt. Disgust, maybe. He might be so disappointed he’d leave her alone. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it? Maybe then she could get over her fixation and keep all that mental energy for her real life.

What would happen if she said yes?

BCEI would have to find a school willing to implement their program, and she and Bucky would have to lesson plan together. They would have to practice basic moves together, and then teach them to a crowd of adolescents. The prospect was frightening, but the possibility of working with him, dancing with him, spending time with him—

“I can talk to my boss on Monday,” she found herself saying.

A real smile lit up his face. It was the first time she’d ever seen him so genuinely pleased, and she couldn’t help but smile back. Gosh, his eyes really were that blue. The longer she looked at him, the less she wanted to look away.

“Great,” Bucky said. He knocked on the table with his prosthetic knuckles and lifted his cup towards her. “To something normal. For a change.”

Jesse giggled, delighted by his unusual candidness. “Amen to that!” She tapped her plastic cup against his ceramic mug and drank the last of her mocha.

If Bucky got a kick out of normalcy, well, he’d be thrilled with her. She smiled, teeth still holding onto her straw. She usually hated being called normal, but you know what? From Bucky Barnes, supersoldier, she’d take it.

–

A popular dance band from New Orleans was in town for a special dance event that night in Manhattan. Jesse hadn’t bothered mentioning it to Bucky, figuring she’d do better not to abuse his patience. She’d hopefully see him soon anyway, and this way she could wear one of her 40s dresses without feeling awkward about it. She pinned the front of her hair into swooping rolls and curled the rest into neat waves, then shimmied into her teal dress. She loved wearing it, and she was glad for the excuse. The nipped waist emphasized her figure, and the color made her skin glow; she felt like a vixen, or at least something approaching beautiful. Jesse tramped off to the subway with her oversized purse later than planned but grinning.

Today was a good day.

Once she arrived and paid, she found a corner to change her shoes and immediately spotted a dance friend on the sidelines. They wormed their way into a slot in the crowd, and Jesse’s spirit soared as she danced. Let other people talk up yoga and meditation; this was unfiltered joy right here.

After her first dance, Jesse made a beeline for Mike, who’d been dancing near her.

“Wanna dance?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Mike said, though his smile was dimmer than usual.

They started the new song, which was slow enough to allow for some conversation.

“Your friend is here,” Mike said.

Jesse blinked up at him, confused. “Who?”

“You know.” Mike jerked her head to the left, towards the back edge of the room. Jesse followed his gaze. Her heart skipped a beat.

Bucky was here!

Wait, did Mike think they were friends?

Were they friends? Jesse considered the possibility, but no. They knew too little of each other. They’d never spent time together socially, apart from the Stark Benefit. And their coffee this morning didn’t count. That was for work, not the pleasure of each other’s company. They’d danced together, sure, but a few dances, however memorable, were no basis for a friendship.

Well, if they weren’t friends, they were friendly. She didn’t bother correcting Mike. She’d rather dance than argue semantics. Besides, Bucky probably wouldn’t appreciate being spoken about. Did supersoldiers have super hearing? Jesse glanced in Bucky’s direction, but the crowd had shifted and she couldn’t make him out. Whether he did or not, she’d rather keep quiet. Her relationship with Bucky, whatever it was, wasn’t Mike’s business. And there was certainly no harm in keeping her secret pleasure at his assumption to herself. If someone from a distance fancied they were friends, maybe one day it would be possible.

The dance with Mike was as invigorating as usual. When the dance turned her in the right direction, Jesse couldn’t help looking across the room in the off-chance she’d be able to make out Bucky in the crowd. She turned back to face Mike after one search and found him studying her with a frown.

“What’s up?” she asked.

Mike shook his head and averted his gaze. “Nothing.” He drew her in for a spin. “Just thinking.”

“Happens to the best of us.” Jesse didn’t expect a response to her snark, but Mike surprised her.

“Is he worth the stress?”

“Huh?”

Mike was making zero sense tonight. Jesse stared up at him, but from closed position she couldn’t see past his chin.

“Him. You know. Bad stuff happens around people like that.”

Understanding dawned at last. Mike was worried about her.

“Nothing’s happened so far, just some dancing,” Jesse told him. “I think that’s pretty normal.”

“It’s not normal for someone like that to come dancing,” Mike said darkly.

“Well, maybe it should be,” Jesse retorted. “Why shouldn’t he have some fun for a change?”

Mike sighed. “Sorry, sorry. Just—sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jesse said automatically. The song ended there, and Mike stepped back from her quickly. He didn’t meet her eye. “It’s okay, Mike. I appreciate the concern, but it’s fine. Really.”

Mike smiled absently. “Here’s hoping.” He clapped her on the shoulder and strode away.

Jesse’s stomach twisted unpleasantly and her blood pounded in her ears. She abandoned the dance floor, too disturbed by Mike’s insinuations to seek Bucky out just yet.

What right did Mike have to say Bucky shouldn’t go dancing? After all Bucky had been through, he deserved as many chances at a good time as the rest of them. More so, even. Jesse hadn’t fought in the army, American or otherwise. She hadn’t helped dismantle any evil organizations either. Bucky had earned his good time, thank you very much.

Jesse pulled her water bottle out of her purse and drank, still facing away from the crowd. She knew how to avoid being asked to dance. Right now, she had no desire to force a smile. She wished she could go back, get Mike, and tell him how wrong he was, how unjust!

But confrontation was so not her style that the very thought deflated her. Her shoulders slumped. She collapsed into one of the chairs along the side of the room, holding her water bottle between her knees. Mike was allowed to express his concerns, and they weren’t entirely invalid. Crazy shit did happen around people like Bucky. The alien invasion had started at Avengers Tower. Sokovia, the bombing at the Accords… Mike wasn’t wrong.

But apart from the Stark benefit, all the places she’d met Bucky were off the usual radar for strange events. A coffee shop, dance halls, a hospital. Everyday normal places. If everyday normal places were suspect now, what even was the point? Life had to go on.

Someone sat next to her, and Jesse glanced over. Bucky tilted his head in her direction. His hair was tucked behind his ear, and his dress shirt sleeves were rolled up over a long-sleeved undershirt, hiding his arms. Though he wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t uncomfortable. He held out his metal hand to her without a word.

Jesse looked up at his face. Bucky was looking out at the crowd with little of the reservation he’d worn on Thursday. Somehow, he’d gotten over his discomfort.

She took his hand and let him lead her onto the floor.

Life had to go on.

For all of them.

#bucky barnes x ofc #bucky barnes fic #bucky x ofc #winter soldier x ofc #winter soldier fic #the not for profit fic #becca writes #fictive february

[soberscientistlife]

Starting Each Day with a Positive Mindset

What would you say if I told you, you could start each day with a positive mind, ready to take on your day in a good mood and full of energy?

You can do just that!

The power of positive thinking is a popular idea. The physical and mental benefits of positive thinking have been proven by multiple scientific studies. A positive mindset can give you more confidence, improve your mood, and even reduce the likelihood of developing conditions such as hypertension, depression and other stress-related disorders.

Our brain is what neurologists and neurologist call “plastic.” In other words, it can be molded by the efforts we put into it to effect change, both in our thoughts, and as a result of the conscious manipulation of our thoughts, our actions. Each morning you wake up with a choice. Reality is yours to create and transformation is in your hands. We all have the power to set the tone for our own lives. The power of positive thinking cannot be underestimated. Each moment we are granted another opportunity for greatness.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the law of attraction: the idea that what we put out into the universe, comes back to us. When we open ourselves up to the possibility of good things happening, they do! We have a choice. Every moment is another chance to switch things around and to tap into the power of positivity.

40 ways to start each day with a positive mindset:

Think happy thoughts!

Start your day off with a positive affirmation

Wake up and tell yourself that you’re beautiful and you’re going to have a great day.

Focus on the good things, However small.

Call your BFF and tell them something nice. When we are kind to others, we feel better about ourselves.

Listen to your gut. Do what feels right.

Do something that makes you feel good. Play outside, write in a journal, join a yoga or gym class, listen to your favorite song, or hang out with people you enjoy being around.

Find humor in bad situations.

Tell yourself that it’s all going to be OK… because it is!

Don’t forget that everything is temporary. Do not act on a temporary feeling.

Life is a journey, not a destination.

Find happiness in the small things.

Praise the sun, moon, and stars—they’re watching over you.

Meditate!

 Take a vacation and spend the whole time spoiling yourself.

Enjoy nature.

Enjoy whatever moment you are in for what it is. The future is a series of “nows.”

Be mindful. You are here now for a reason.

Exercise regularly.

Breathe.

Focus on what you want, not the things you don’t want.

Let go of things that don’t really matter.

Give someone a compliment.

Smile at yourself in the mirror.

Move slower and enjoy more. Stop to smell the roses.

Start a conversation with a stranger.

Live with gratitude.

Free yourself from fear of the unknown. Be adventurous.

Foster new relationships with positive individuals and absorb their energy.

Let go of old memories that no longer serve you.

Sit somewhere quiet and pay attention to your five sense.

Tell someone you love them.

Believe in the magic that surrounds you.

Live simply.

Find things that inspire you and let them in.

Don’t forget that you’re awesome!

Expect less.

Laugh!

Every day is a new day filled with limitless possibilities.

Love yourself just the way you are.

.Now that you have all the creative tools you need, you can set yourself on a path to a positive, refreshing attitude on life. Empower yourself with a positive mindset every day.

#positive thinking #positive mindset #self care #self healing #mental health #mental illness

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

therapy

I’ve been mostly single for over eight years, and have been writing about my experiences for over three years. I felt I was learning about my dating life via cathartic writing and comical analysis, but I was curious if there was an angleI was missing.

Another aspect was I had never been happier. There was a reason I took five months off of dating, albeit unintentional: I was beyond content. I didn’t want my happiness to cock block me from finding a partner, and though I didn’t feel a ‘void’ within me, I still wanted companionship. So then I looked for a professional for checks and balances.

I hear this calming hum, feel that first drum beat at 0:28 seconds: I was excited.

The questionnaire to find one through work asked if I was depressed, or had troubles with family or eating disorder. None. I was fine. My career was going well, I had wonderful friends and a strong support system, and I was enjoying life. I looked at the options covered by my insurance. I did the research, read on their background, saw where they lived and landed on my guy: his name was Gareth. He had a strong background telecommuted between Seattle and Los Angeles, and I had a good feeling about him, so I reached out.

We had an intro conversation of what I was here for. We did a video conference meeting and had a comfortable back and forth. “Everything is going well, there is just one area that I haven’t quite figured out. Bonus points would be to nail down how I’ve managed to be single for the past eight years” I already liked his style of analysis. His questions were reflective of what I had said, he listened. We mainly dove into dating. Then he narrowed in.

“We have to look at your picker,” he said.

There was a chance there was something off with my picker. Was I only going for guys who were “the life of the party”, the Christmas Ham?

He was able to break apart Ben, even John, and how sometimes these are not the guys who you end up building strong relationships with. He wasn’t wrong. I wanted a guy who I could go to a party with, and not babysit because they could hold their own socially. Funny, charming, likable. Were sociopaths my type??? Times up - next session.

I saw him again in person, he had a great office view of Lake Union. When I walked in, he had already whiteboarded much of our previous conversations. This guy prepped?!

It was incredible -I was in therapy heaven. I didn’t sit on the couch or lay down. I was in an athletic stance ready to dive into topics. 

Dissect why I am the way I am, the one who seeks commitment but also runs from it. I felt like I was brainstorming at a start-up, understanding the problem first before coming up with a strategy. I had to remember this wasn't a work project, but it was my heart and emotional health I was talking about.

That is how I show up in therapy, at least in my first couple visits.

Gareth gave me some homework 

Be Pretty. Now let me explain. My confidence level is off the charts when it comes to personality, almost to an annoying ego-maniacal level. But physical appearance was something I was never quite sure about. I basically thought I was a great catch, if you didn’t prioritize looks. It probably didn’t help having my ex-boyfriend say he was never attracted to me in the two years we were together. This wasn’t something I could share with my friends, because they would immediately say, “shut up you’re pretty.” Dismissive or supportive? Probably both. 

Lack of empathy to my insecurities being a main reaction when talking about my looks, I didn’t bring it up much. Gareth didn't say I was right, or that I was ugly. His homework was to be pretty - however that may mean to me, give myself some confidence when I go on a date.  I didn't ask too many questions because it made sense to me. When I go on a date, do something, anything, that makes me feel even a little prettier.

Be in your body. This one I didn’t quite get as much. But whether it be dancing, yoga or just moving around, Gareth suggested being comfortable in my own skin. Not sure how it would relate, but if it was an excuse to have more solo dance parties in my house, I was all for it.

Drop the wall. Being vulnerable was not easy for me. This was the hardest on multiple levels, and I already knew that. I never introduced friends to guys I dated - Sam meeting Ian was ok since he was bartending and I knew I wasn’t sure about him. It seemed unthreatening. Another thing I don’t do is talk about guys I’m dating with friends. Why? Well why do women wait until the second trimester to share the news that they are pregnant? In the event they miscarry, they have to share that sad news with every smiling face asking “How are you feeling? Do you feel her kicking? How is the nursery?” Tears, “The baby’s dead,” the mom says. 

In the past few years, I’ve gone out with 25-30 guys. That would have been 25-30 miscarriages I would have had to explain, “How’s the Plumber? Oh I’m sorry, how about The Captain? Oh I’m sorry, how about….” and so on. I’m not trying to make parallels about the trauma of losing a baby and ending a one month stint to some guy, just that vulnerability aspect of others seeing me in pain.

“You have a date tonight? With who?”

“It doesn’t matter - you don’t know him, I barely know him. Just some guy.” I joked that dates don’t get a first name until it’s serious, hence the Plumber, the Captain, the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.

So Gareth wanted me to try and be more open, and let my walls down. I’ve had guys tell me that I’m very hard to get to know which had surprised me because I would answer any questions they asked (if they ever got around to asking a damn question) and I was extroverted. But I knew what they meant deep down. I was closed off, and always had a protective wall up. It was easier, and safe.

Slow down. My mind moved fairly quickly, and when I assess situations, friends often say something like “Don’t stress over it” or “You’re spending so much time thinking about...” and “You’re over-analyzing”. In reality, my assessments come out fairly quickly, and it could be 5 minutes worth of thinking so to me, “oh it’s no trouble at all!”

A professional cook can whip up a healthy delicious dinner in no time, while a person who doesn’t cook may have a different barometer. 

“Oh don’t trouble yourself!” the guest says. 

“Oh it’s no trouble - this is easy!” and really, it is.

This social interaction happens often, and either parties have a different understanding of what it means to put someone out. We have different standards of time and effort. Analysis? Comes to me the way a free-style rapper can rhyme with no thought at all. That lovely Snap emoji drawing video I did for McSteamy? A friend once said, “You have too much time on your hands.” I argued 15 minutes of creative outlet didn’t seem to fall in that category, and so on.

Even still, Gareth was right. I needed to slow down. I had a previous therapist tell me once I needed to watch more TV, because my mind was going a million miles a minute. This comes in handy in my industry, fast talking and strategy accomplishing all my tasks. For matters of the heart, it’s not that I spent time assessing scenarios. In my opinion, it’s more am I assessing the right scenarios - nothing to do with time spent on the analysis. I may past GO when I didn’t need to simply because of the speed my thoughts were traveling.

I loved my sessions with Gareth, and the timing was perfect. I could apply what I learned in these sessions with Steven! He could be my guinea pig in being pretty, being in my body, dropping the wall, and slowing down. Here we go!

[paniccord-ff]

38. Part 2

“Rylee you really need to wake up, come on. You fell back to sleep” Chris said, feeling the cold hit my body as he pulled my covers off of me “oh god, please no. I am cold, I want to sleep more” I said with my eyes firmly closed still “we have the scan today, come on. Wake up” I guess I need to move, groaning out turning onto my back slowly stretching my arms out. Opening my eyes dropping my arms to the side of me “that was good” I am feeling so tired, that travelling did me. I was gone, I ate and slept and I don’t even remember if I cleaned downstairs. Looking around the bedroom, Chris disappeared quickly and no morning kiss from him. Poking my lips out placing my hand over my stomach, it’s a whole different feeling now that I know I am pregnant. I have a tiny human growing inside of me, this is so crazy to me. I am very excited, reaching over grabbing my phone. The phone screen lit up “oh god, it is late. I have less than an hour to get dressed” ignoring my notifications and unlocking my phone, I need to make a date with Maria or maybe I can put Maria on. I can have her with me but I think I will wait it out so I can do it, I want to pay for her. I won’t do it on Chris’ money, he is doing this for me and me only.

I really need to get out of bed, what am I doing with my life. Stifling out a yawn, tapping on Instagram. Let me see what is happening on this thing, I have not really updated it in a while. Pulling a face, this is so weird to me. How do these fans get these pictures of us, like of us in the doctor’s office. It is so sneaky and intrusive, scrolling down seeing Chris’ post and him doing graffiti on the house again. Side eyeing the fact he is doing monsters again, I don’t like that at all. Scrolling down further and realising he has been awake all night, he has been literally posting everything on Instagram. Stopping at the video and waiting for it to load, tapping on the video so the sound can come on “It’s kind of fucked up when your mom doesn’t ride for you and gets your dog’s put away while I am working, you in Houston with the devil. She is not letting me see Royalty and you agree with that shit mom? For real?” Chris kissed his teeth and the video ended, my lazy ass just fell asleep because I was just that tired but I could have stopped him doing this stupid video, but he needs to keep his mouth closed.

I just cannot be bothered, I put my hair up in a bun and wearing my shades. I am not doing my makeup, it takes too much effort. I care about Chris so much and this with his mom is upsetting him. I know Chris is a momma’s boy, I fucking saw it when I went to Joyce’ house, she has a wall filled with Chris “Chris” making my way down the stairs “I made pancakes” he said before I could say anything, smiling at his cuteness “aww you didn’t have too, thank you” making my way to the kitchen island “I thought why not” I feel so bad “baby I can’t eat, I just can drink water. He said yesterday, I am so sorry” Chris rolled his eyes “I forgot” placing my hand on his arm “which is fine, I could maybe have them later. They smell so nice but we do need to go now or we will be late. I want you to also be truthful with me, did you stay up all night?” Chris drifted off pausing “I had a nap, I just wanted to escape a little. I wanted to draw” tilting my head to the side “monsters? You said to me you did those because that is how people see you, that has all changed and now it’s back? Who sees you as this, talk to me” Chris swallowed hard, it’s like nobody questions him on it and he doesn’t know what to say “just being creative” he shrugged it off “no, oh no Chris” I pointed at him “I remember your words to me, you gave me the tour and you told me that, I want to know who sees you as a monster?” I won’t let it go.

Chris sighed out “my family, my daughter. I’ll be a monster to her because I don’t see her, she didn’t even get the gifts I got her there. The gifts are still here, she knows Rylee. They are brainwashing her, people be talking shit about me on Instagram. They are making me out to be the worst father ever, I try to move forward and I can’t, pay the child support and be quiet, that is all they want from me so yes. I am the monster they see me as” it hurts me because he is hurting, this is my man and I hate to see him like this “that is not what you are going to do, this is what they want Chris. They want you to be a father that doesn’t care and just pays for her so they can turn around and say he doesn’t care, you will never win with them but baby you are winning. Blogs don’t know anything, they are writing shit because they are wondering what else to talk about. And your mom” I sighed out “I am about sick of her, she is a grown adult. Just listen to me when I say this, fuck them. I don’t see you as a monster, my family don’t, Mijo don’t and our baby don’t. I can promise you now Chris they will be coming back to you asking for forgiveness, you got something they wanted and that is me. They want me to see the bad side of you, they want me to go back to them and say they was right. But they are fucking with the wrong bitch. I am that close to beating Nia’ ass” I am so angry “stop, I am sorry. Don’t stress” rubbing my forehead “I am not stressed, I am hurt. Because I am hurting for you but listen to me, stop it. Stop letting your thoughts overshadow the good, the good is that you are loved by me so much” my man be so broken at times “I love you too Rylee, I am sorry” touching his cheek shaking my head “don’t ever be sorry for showing me this side to you, sometimes you need to talk and sometimes you need it, you need the support but you got me. That is on god because I will ride for you Chris” I need Chris to end this tour, this is war and I will win this for him.

Sitting in the Lamborghini as Chris drove me to the Doctor’s office “I just needed to talk to you, you were tired so I do what I like doing and drawing. I just needed some reassurance, I am sorry my mind just fucks me over. I get confused and tired, my mind overwork’s” taking the selfie of myself in the car “I will always reassure you Chris, I know I was tired but you should have come to bed. You know what you need to not do when you’re like this, not sleeping is not the best thing, you need sleep because your mind just works too much. I remember doing this in my course, this is why I ask you every day have you slept. You have a beautiful mind Chris but it overworks and needs rest” Chris chuckled “are you sure you’re going to be ok with the tour? You want me to come?” I don’t feel like I should go, captioning the picture ‘I am still tired after ten hours’ sleep #fatigued #ineedtogetusedtoit #nervous’ pressing send on my Instagram “I won’t let you down and I promise I am ok” I will be watching his behaviour after this little outburst.

I am so nervous, this is so foreign to me “if you want to just lay down for me” Dr Kellar said, oh my god this is so weird to me. I laid down slowly “it’s not as bad as it seems, also I want to let you know. Your blood came back just fine, nothing to worry about” blowing out air “thank you god” getting comfortable on the bed “you look a little worried there Chris” the doctor said to him “first time for me, I am just nervous. This is just crazy to me” touching Chris’ head “it’s difficult, men don’t know how to help but just support the women. I guess we need to see how this baby is doing, top over stomach please. I hope you had enough water” lifting my top up, feeling a hand touching my stomach and I let out a giggle “Chris” I said smiling, that was so ticklish “that is crazy, there is a baby in there” Chris said looking at my little pouch “it’s weird to me too” I can’t even digest that I am pregnant “the lube will feel cold” I am so scared, grabbing Chris’ hand.

Staring at Chris “just relax, will use this probe to check over” nodding my head as the Doctor proceeded, Chris pressed a kiss to my hand. I am just feeling so nervous, Chris’ eyes drifted off to see the screen. I don’t want to look, I feel so queasy about it all. Maybe it is because I am nervous and scared “just going to turn the screen for a moment” this makes me even more nervous “why?” Chris asked “just so I can work out everything” looking over at the doctor as he turned the screen “I am sure it will be ok” Chris said as a tear slowly fell from my eye “stop it, it’s fine baby. I love you” he kissed my cheek “I appreciate you so much Rylee, thank you for having my back. This baby about to be a fighter, he going to have your genes” shaking my head laughing “she will have yours, it will have your heart” look at my man supporting me.

Sighing out, I hope everything is ok “so, baby Brown” The doctor looked at us, Chris and I both laughed “it’s eight weeks and five days” wow, I am actually far along “I am not even sure because I am so irregular so I am shocked I am that far a long” Doctor Kellar moved the screen back “the baby is a bit a wiggler, let me just get the little peanut again” I just felt my heart burst in emotions “oh my god” I burst out crying and I just couldn’t contain myself seeing this tiny little baby in my stomach, Chris let my head go walking around the bed “come on over, you will be able to see better but you see this. You see that little flutter, that is its heartbeat” Chris stared ahead clenching his jaw “did you see the wiggle?” Chris is trying not to cry, reaching over holding his hand “your baby is fine, growing at the right pace. A little mover, it’s little limbs growing here. You’re lucky that we can see this flutter but you are having just one baby” I am in awe right not that this can be in my stomach “that is so amazing” Chris wiped his face with his free hand “it is but baby Brown is fine” Chris turned around snatching his hand away from mine covering his face.

I am such a mess right now “your baby is very healthy” Chris moved his hands away from his face “you ok over there Chris? It’s a special moment, isn’t it? Life is amazing, that little human has a heart already. I don’t really need to see you until you are eighteen or twenty-one weeks but you can always come to me if anything is different” Chris got his phone out “can I video the screen?” the doctor nodded “of course but I don’t think it will move again” Chris videoed the screen, he then turned the camera to me and I covered my face “I’m doing this for them” he said “stop it” peeking away from my hands “I love you so much Rylee, you have given me a purpose. Thank you Brandon” he is thanking everyone, bless his soul.

The doctor sat down at his desk across us “so here you are, baby Brown” he held the scan out to us, taking the polaroid from him “that is amazing and it does look like a little peanut, I’m finna call him. Peanut Brown” I laughed looking up, I am so happy right now “boy bye, I don’t think so” Rylee said, I would actually call him that “so you just need to look after yourself Rylee, lots of rest and support. You need anything, any advice then please call me but the baby looks very healthy, nothing wrong at all” I am blessed, Rylee took the polaroid from me “so, can we still have sex?” I have to ask, Brandon laughed “yes you can, be careful but it’s fine. Have all the sex you want” smiling wide “good, what about travelling? Rylee will be flying to different places” I need to know “fine, just be careful. You need to just take rests, you know your own body Rylee and if you feel something is not right then please call me” Rylee nodded “the baby comes first, or shall I say my babies do” Rylee smiled at me “I ain’t no baby, she just says it” shrugging her off “I can see she babies you, it’s fine. I am looking forward to seeing you again Rylee” I am so happy, I was feeling down but this is a blessing.

Jumping on the bed, laying my head-on Rylee’ thighs “so, can I post it?” holding the video up to Rylee “hmmm will that make you happy? But I haven’t told my mom” that is true “I will feel wrong if you post it and I haven’t told her, tomorrow we can go? If you got the time” I sighed out shaking my head “I have to fly out or I will never get there, I can just drop you off in New Jersey and fly off from there. Let me know so I can then post it” Rylee smiled at me “ok, but we can post something together, stay there” lifting my head seeing Rylee grab the polaroid and placing it on top of her stomach “I want to post something at the same time” grabbing the polaroid, looking at the picture and then placing it at the side of my face and scrunched my face up “why do you always be so ugly with pictures” she spat, busting out laughing. Turning the scan over and looking at it “I can’t wait to meet you” talking to the picture and then shuffling close to Rylee’ stomach “you think Peanut understands me” I am sure he does “I swear to god, it is not being called that!” she scolded me, smiling wide looking at her stomach.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfiction

[dxmedstudent]

You seem like an incredibly dedicated doctor who spends a lot of her time working. How do you manage to keep your mental health at its optimum? My grasp of healthcare is that it is both physically and emotionally laborious. I know that often, you have shared with us that has been difficult to maintain a work life balance. Do you feel that medicine itself is fulfilling for you?

Thank you! It’s an immense privilege to be able to share some of my thoughts and experiences with you. You’re right that it’s hard work. Physically, night shifts and long days do things to your body that you didn’t quite realise before you went to med school. It can mess up your eating patterns, sleep patterns, and set off any other conditions you have, for example. I find it much harder to maintain a normal daily rhythm than I used to; after months or years of telling your body ‘you’ll eat/sleep/rest when I have time’ rather than listening to it, you get less good at listening to what your body is telling you that you need. Plus maintaining a healthy diet becomes harder…Emotionally, it can be draining. Difficult cases. Stressed out patients or relatives. Stressed out colleagues. Too many things to do in too little time; the feeling that you’re always just trying to get by. The background feeling that the NHS is going downwards instead of changing for the better. I don’t spend more time working than my other colleagues (in fact, right now, this month, being on a gap-year of sorts, I spend *less* time doing so). But I have worked some particularly difficult rotas where it felt like I was always on-call. I’m not more dedicated than anyone else, I’m just lucky in the placements I’ve had. Hard work, but with supportive colleagues and friends who have made it possible to stay focused and sane. Not everyone is so lucky; some people had more problems to begin with, or happened to work in departments that are much more understaffed and poorly supported. Some people have to deal with unhelpful or abusive colleagues. Or with patients and relatives far worse than the ones I encountered.  Perhaps they don’t have the same support from friends and colleagues that I did, or they have a lot more problems to deal with. Some people really struggle, but that’s not because they are worse doctors, or worse people. It’s because they’ve got a lot more on their plates. And medicine really does load our plates unequally. Some people get stuck with unfair circumstances, others are much luckier. I count myself lucky. I was talking abot this with a close friend the other day; there is little difference between me and a doctor who hates medicine, or my colleagues who sadly took their lives. Those of us who got by without major burnout (or worse) arent’ stronger, or better; under the right circumstances we too could really struggle. There were a few times during the more challenging parts of my job when I could really see myself coming close, and I began to understand just how easy it is to be sucked into despair. Any of us, could, under the wrong set of circumstances, end up in their shoes. How to look after yourself:This is why we all need support. I rely heavily on my medical friends and our whatsapp groups. When I’m having a bad day, or when I need stress relief, or when I’ve had a learning point to reflect on, or an interesting case, or genuinely don’t know what to do, they are there. It’s not just them; reaching out to close family and friends is vital, because isolating yourself harms you in the longterm, even if it feels protective. Choose a living situation that works for you.Personally, I like living with flatmates, because it’s nice to come home and rant to someone (and I usually live with medics so they have an idea how it is) and when you get on, it really works well. I’m a bit of an introvert, so whilst I’ll gladly go to the pub with friends (or out for a meal, film, etc) I don’t really put myself out there every night socialising with strangers, particularly if I’m working out of London and I don’t know anyone locally apart from colleagues. If I lived alone I’d find it more difficult to motivate myself to go out. And I know a lot of my friends feel the same. But when you live with friends or flatmates, you encourage each other to do stuff, and also take care of each other. We’d take it in turns to clean and buy food etc so nobody would have to come home from a horrific batch of oncalls to find no food in the cubpoards and that it’s their turn to do all the cleaning. Ovbiously, you can substitute ‘partner’ for ‘friends and flatmates’, or even ‘family’ if you decide to live at home.. I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t live alone; some of my friends love their alone-space. But interestingly, these are usually also the friends who are super-organised, really motivated to meet up and organise things, and get out of the house, so it works well for them. But rather that it helps to build in support into your life, especially if you have a tendency to isolate yourself, or are starting somewhere new and far from friends and family. This goes hand in hand, but also support each other at work. Be a team, in the truest sense of the word. Be there for your nurse colleagues, and your team. Be kind to the other teams you work with. Look out for the juniors. Be supportive to your seniors.  And they’ll do the same for you. In FY1 we used to help each other out all the time; it made a chaotic year much more fun and manageable and helped us make firm friendships. during my paeds job it usually meant gently walking the surgical/ENT/ortho SHOs through bleeding and cannulating kids when they asked our team to do it (because secretly they didn’t know or felt terrified at the prospect). Whenever you can, act in the spirit of kindness rather than being obstructive; if you have the time and energy to help, consider doing it. There will be times when you have to stick up for yourself and will be cross, but try not to let that be your default response.  Having hobbies and interests outside of medicine is also important. It’s easier said and done. Ask me how many novels I’ve read in the past few years and I’ll laugh in your face. I count myself a prolific reader, but something has to give; when you’ve got one or two hours in a long day to eat and de-stress before bed, you ealise how finite your time and energy are. Even the things you decide to prioritise might not cooperate with you; medicine can sap you because it leaves you with little time and energy. Even when I had time to create, you can guess how creative I felt after a difficult week at work. Sometimes you look forward to days off ages in advance, but when they come around you are so knackered that all you can manage is cleaning your flat and going to the park. Part of keeping your health as good as you can is trying to maintain some semblance of rhythm in your life. Eat when you know you have ot eat, sleep when you know you have to sleep. Even (as I mention below) when you don’t feel like it). Make time to see your dentist and your GP if you need to; that’s all part of self-care but we are usually the worst at sorting our own problems. You’ll need to put extra effort into your social life. Plan meetups in advance, because I promise you that when your day off comes, you’ll feel too tired to plan something last-mintue then, unless your friends and family drag you out. Give yourself things to look forward to, but be kind to yourself if you decide you aren’t up to them.  This can be a whole other layer of challenging when your friends are either also working hideous rotas, or are married with kids/live on the other end of the country etc; sometimes I look back at when we were all 16 and could just meet up without any effort and wonder at the difference. Is medicine fulfilling?I love doing what I do. I don’t find it horrible working sets of nights or picking up that second long day in the week because when I’m at work, I’m not miserable with what I’m doing. Sure, sometimes it’ll be a stressful day (I arrive in A&E and 9 patients are waiting for me to see them, it doesn’t get better the entire shift) or I’ll be stuck with a colleague who stresses me out and makes me feel inadequate. But on the whole, most of the time, I leave work with a feeling that I’ve done OK, good even. And I don’t dread going back the next day. Even though I’ve got a lot to learn, and I still feel nervous with my ever-increasing responsibilities, I enjoy being ‘clinical me’. I’d say it’s  fulfilling. But medicine can take over your life, not just when it makes you miserable and you hate your placement or colleagues (and boy, can it make you miserable if that’s the case!), but also even when you like what you do. Because working all those shifts, and staying late, can really affect how much time you have to spend being you. The ‘ouside of hospital’ you. It’s just physically much harder to stay in contact with friends and family when you are working all hours of the night or day. When you have projects, and audits, and exams outside of work (which you will do, there’s a ton of stuff behind the scenes which you have to do in your own time in order to continue doctoring), they also take up your precious free time in ways that your 9-5 colleagues don’t have to deal with. I’ve been very lucky; I’ve generally enjoyed my placements, and worked well with my colleagues, and found medicine itself to be really fulfilling. It’s not all nice things; there’s the mundane and the stresfful, but overall I’ve enjoyed it more often than not. I know that’s not true for everyone, and I think how fulfilling it is can depend a lot on finding the right specialities for you. I’m still working on finding the right balance, but I’ve got a good idea. It’s not that medicine isn’t fulfilling for me, but rather that because it is, it can take over your life. It’s because what you do feels important. Because you enjoy it. Because you care. Because you want to be a better doctor. Medicine can take up a lot of time and energy, and it’s hard to carve out a space in your life that it doesn’t take over. It’s something we all have to work on. I love my job, but In the long run, neglecting my out-of-medicine-life wouldn’t be fulfilling. You can be happy in your job but still feel unfilfilled in your life outside of it; if you let friendsips fall by the wayside, or neglect relationships. If you don’t have kids but want them, or have kids and feel you are never there for them. If you miss important life events for work and feel you are never there for the people you love. If you give up the passions in your life that make you happy.  You can still love your job but miss out on the other things that make you happy. There���s no easy choice; you have to find a balance that works for you.It’s one of the reasons I am not planning to stay on in paediatrics, for example. I love the job despite the stresses, but the timetable decimated my personal life; the idea of combinign that with exams made me realise I’d be happy with my job but miserable that I got to do little else. In the long run, I don’t think it would make me happy. Because happiness is more than just enjoying what you do at work. It’s also having time and energy to do the other things that make you happy. So I’ll have to work to find a balance that suits me.

#askdx #ask dx #medicine #personal #my life #junior doctorhood

[bughead-bound-blog]

Mental Health Month

This is a Riverdale blog but it is the first day of Mental Health Month and I want to share with all of my followers the different ways in which I practice self care in hopes that it may help some of you on your journey to find ways to love yourself.

Listen, the first thing I want all of us to acknowledge is this: it isn’t easy at all. It isn’t always consistent and I have to confess that I drop the ball sometimes. The second thing I want to acknowledge is that THAT’S OK. The important thing is that I keep trying and keep going back to it. It’s not about constantly succeeding, it’s about constantly trying and wanting to. It has taken me many years to be able to look into that mirror and love the person I see, and that isn’t the case every day. But I try to, and that’s the most important thing.

So here are some of my tips that I try to do regularly as acts of self love. There is a lot on this list but if you are struggling with self love please check this out. I regularly do as well and if I can help any one of you find a way to feel better about yourselves then I know this write-up I have done is not in vain:

- PERSONAL THOUGHTS: The way you are wired to think about yourself. This was the hardest thing for me to tackle and it’s still a WIP. Let me start with a slightly embarrassing story. I’ve always been a huge Star Trek fan and thought I was a little crazy by practicing Spock’s approach to tackling conflict: when something would upset me, I’d think about Spock and how he dealt with a situation. He would step back from the emotionalism and look at it from a place of logic.

My feelings are valid, but are they reasonable? I’d have a bad day at work or have a conflict with someone I love and would take the Spock approach: are they really out to get me or am I just not understanding their perspective? Do bad things ALWAYS happen to me or am I just refusing to see or acknowledge the small nice things that happen to me, too? I’d go through a checklist and basically have a small debate with my own stances on things, checking to see if I was being reasonable. We can really hurt ourselves with our own thoughts and it is important to have healthy practices for the mind as much as we do the rest of our bodies. I always try injecting logic and reason in places where my passions sometimes get the better of me. Instead of being dismissive or allowing my negative thoughts to consume me I would tackle them head-on (no pun intended) and explore my thoughts and feelings mentally or in a journal.

I was astounded when I took a stress-management course in school and found out that Spock’s technique was actually coined by a psychologist named Albert Ellis whose research toted the belief that “humans are not troubled by events but by the way they think about them”. One of his most well known developments is the self-monitoring method called ABCDE: activating event, beliefs, consequences, dispute, effect. This method effectively causes the afflicted individual to recognize that it is not the life event itself that is causing their emotional response, but their beliefs or thoughts. While we do not have a great deal of control over the events that may occur in our lives, we do have control over how we react to them: our beliefs. Investigating why we feel the way we do allows us to identify any faulty logic and empowers us by giving us the opportunity to rationalize and replace faulty logic with reason. Tactics such as keeping a personal daily log offers us a physical and tangible means to do this. It is important to master the art of handling negative thoughts in an adaptive manner and increase resiliency by challenging your own ideas and their accuracy. Ellis’ ABCDE technique has helped me so much in life and if it can benefit any of you I invite you to read more about his work. It is called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, a form of self-administered therapy that has helped me get to a much better place mentally. One thing I try to do is called the 3-to-1 positivity ratio. For every negative thought I have, I try to counter it with three positives. I actively do this on a daily basis and you wouldn’t believe how much this little trick helps me.

- EXERCISE: I do yoga regularly and not just because it keeps me fit. It is a practice that promotes self-awareness and love, consciousness of how you think and feel about yourself, and encourages you to regularly practice self-love and thoughts that encourage your self-esteem. It is very hard to know where to start when you have done literally no exercise. I started with the 31 Days of Yoga Challenge with Adriene which is perfect for beginners, so if you want to try yoga but don’t want to feel discouraged about doing difficult poses believe me. I went from having McD’s a few times a week and being a part of the couch to doing this once a day. It was very easy for a zero-experience beginner. I would actually find myself crying after sessions because it made me feel so good about myself and as if I accomplished something. It is so hard to just begin this sort of exercise, so for those of you struggling with that starting point, this is my offering to you.

- BODY FUEL: Make healthy food for yourself. Your body is your vessel through life, so why do a sham job patching it up with rubbish and filler? God, this is a tough one, especially when the filler is so God damn delicious. Sometimes it is hard to know where to start and I did by going onto Pinterest and typing in healthy food recipes. Believe me, there are some fun and creative ideas on there that may surprise you in their creativity and tastiness! I’m not saying give up the dirty and sinful greatness that is comfort food -- ain’t nobody gonna get me to give up my love for McNuggets and McDoubles. But it should be moderated and balanced with stuff that your body can use to help benefit you. Think of your body as a building that is constantly under construction: if you pay for cheap and crappy materials to build with, the integrity of the building will be compromised and low quality. Think of healthy food as a long term investment: the infrastructure of your body will thank you and hey, you get longevity and good feelings out of it. With that said . . . I’m still gonna have me a dirty feed of authentic Mexican here and there. ;)

- MAKING SPACE FOR YOU: This is also a tough one, therefore I actually make a to-do list when it comes to this. Every week I make a list of things I am obligated to do from work/school, but I also make a personal list of things to accomplish for my own benefit. I try to do one thing for me a day and I write up the to-do lists because I have a horrible track record for consistency. I will list out things I love to do: work on a fanfic. Work on a painting. Read a book/fanfic. Cuddle with the cats. Watch a show I love. Do some yoga. Catch up with someone I love. Sing. Dance in the living room to old guilty pleasures. I jot them down then put an empty box next to them. I try to get through those lists every week. I know in this busy life it can be tricky, but please make time for you and the things you love. At least once a day if you can. You are so worth that.

Hope this helps some of you, sorry for the extremely long post but I want to be very honest and open with you guys. My own well being means a lot to me and it wasn’t always that way. If I can help any one of you start to get towards that point then this was beyond worth the effort to put together and write. <3 I have love in my heart for each and every one of you and you’re more than worth this effort. Please feel free to PM any time you need someone to talk to or some encouragement!

#mental health #mental health support #mental health month #followers #please reblog #self love #love yourself #about me #not riverdale #postitforward

[embodythetrueyou-blog]

Let’s start from the beginning, Because i don’t want this blog to come across as me saying ‘i have to look a certain way to love me’ I wan’t this to show the power of determination to change something if you really want to.

I was always happy with my body, when i stopped being happy that is when i decided to make a change.

I have never ever been tiny, to be honest i have never wanted to be tiny. But i was always in a good shape and in a shape i felt comfortable with;

Until recently i didn’t care what others thought and i also thought i looked ok. But then i recently went on holiday to portugal with two of my good friends and when looking back at the photos i felt like i was looking at a different person, The toned me had kinda gone..i didn’t even know how or why but i felt chubby and decided that i wanted to changed that for ME.

See it’s important to understand that weight loss and becoming fitter has to be for you, Ok..let’s be honest we all want to look good for the photos, we all want to feel good when we are in skimpy clothes and we want the person we are with to look at us and think we are the sexiest thing on the planet, But when someone loves you, its unconditional..Well that is what i assume from experience anyway. So it has to be for no one else than yourself. And i had got to a point where i didn’t like my reflection like i used to, I am not with anyone to do this for them, I am 26, single and happy however i know that when i do date or when i do find someone i want to feel sexy, confident and not the way i did.

My Biggest Craving 

YUP! Chocolate was my biggest biggest craving. I was eating it like it was nobody’s business. I started a new job and lots of FREE chocolate/sweets/cakes were given out. So that did not help. But i lost control, There was this voice in my head saying ‘Oh a couple of treats won’t kill you’ GO ON LISA!

I was so so wrong! I used to go home feeling so so sick, and then guess what? I DIDN’T WANT TO EAT DINNER. So i was basically replacing my good hearty meals with sweets/chocolates and cake and thinking that was okay. It got really bad. And i got really bad. I felt really crap all the time, constant headaches, belly pains and no energy.

Trying to change my diet & prepping meals seemed the answer

I started to prep my meals, WINNER.. Well i thought..But actually it made me even worse, Because i was having dry meals with not much taste i was craving the sweet stuff even more. I started eating what i thought was ‘healthy breakfasts’ however they were actually packed with sugar and carbs. I felt like i was going around in circles. I still felt like crap and i was getting bigger! I was going to the gym but the damage was already done with my rubbish diet. The idea of prepping food seemed great but i was not eating tasty meals so craved other things i knew tasted good, like i said it all went wrong.

I then started to look back at photos from University, where i was Cheerleading and running around like a man woman running a busy student bar, But i was smaller, however i knew that was from skipping meals and it wasn’t from being healthy. However it gave me motivation to change.

University Graduation 2014.

Portugal 2017

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Now, I know i am not obese. I am not here to say that or state that. But i had put weight on. My legs got so big..They started to feel heavy, look fat and i feel uncomfortable with them. This was only 6 months ago. But up until 2/3 weeks ago i was still in this shape. Christmas did not help with all the food/sweets etc, I did the same thing and say ‘oh don’t worry lisa, a couple treats won’t hurt’ Well they will and they did!

I formulated a plan and an idea to feel more comfortable,

First step

-SELF DEVELOPMENT

I needed motivation, i needed a push. I looked at the photos but still didn’t get my butt into gear. So i listened to motivation a lot more, I started to believe that i could get back into shape and have the body i wanted.

-LAW OF ATTRACTION

i watched ‘the secret’, which teaches you all about ‘seeing and believing something and that actually becoming reality’, basically teaches you that it is all in the mind.. So again i worked on mind in order to then tackle body.

-FIND A SYSTEM THAT COULD HELP ME

This was already set out for me. I have worked with a great company for two years and never took advantage of their weight loss programme. So i started to look into it more. I learnt the science behind it, the ingredients and i became excited and ordered it.

These were my before photos (Which i knew i had to take but didn’t want to)

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I enrolled in the programme Saturday 27th January

Starting Weight: 10 stone 4

Waist 27.5 inches

Lower Abs 30.5 inches

Lower Hips (Around the bum) 39 inches

Upper Arms 11 inches

Thighs 24inches

DNA 24-

This innovative product is made of 100% natural ingredients that have been proven to control appetite, increase satiety, and positively affect the hormones associated with feelings of hunger and cravings. Additional ingredients found in the Day Drops formula help slow the absorption of carbohydrates and boost metabolism. When used in conjunction with Night Drops, this product helps users shed pounds and keep them off.

Day Drops – Key Ingredients:

White Kidney Bean Extract

Cacao Bean Extract

Green Coffee Bean Extract

Guarana Seed Extract

Cinnamon

Bark Extract

Biotin

Chromium

Weight loss isn’t just about calories, exercise, and fat. There’s a myriad of other factors that go into successfully shedding pounds such as internal balance and hormones. The Night Drops formula provides key amino acids and adaptogenic herbs designed specifically to help reduce stress and promote feelings of restfulness and calm. When your body is stressed or suffering from lack of sleep, it releases cortisol, a hormone responsible for the production of fat. By maintaining your ideal internal balance, your efforts to lose weight are maximised.

Night Drops – Key Ingredients:

L-theanine

L-glutamine

Fructo-oligosaccharides

Acerola Fruit Extract

Holy Basil Powder

Cordyceps Powder

Astragalus Root Powder

Appetite:

Every day our digestive system sends signals to our brain telling us it’s time to eat. Quite often, these signals are firing even when we aren’t truly hungry. Any dieter will proclaim the sheer willpower it requires to rewire the appetite. But what if we told you there are several naturally occurring substances that do the hard work for you?

Guarana Seed Extract: improves feelings of fullness and satiety, reducing hunger pains.

Cinnamon Bark Extract: helps the body maintain normal blood glucose levels, which in turn curbs cravings.

Chromium: helps control blood sugars to avoid spikes and crashes in blood glucose levels.

Metabolism:

Your body gets most of its energy through the food you eat and converting nutrients into energy is known as metabolism. When at rest, the number of calories your body uses to carry out basic functions such as breathing, blood circulation, hormone regulation, and cellular growth and repair is known as metabolic rate. With the help of a few safe and natural ingredients, this rate can be temporarily increased so you burn more calories.

Green Coffee Bean Extract: contains healthy, natural caffeine that boosts metabolism and increases the body’s ability to burn fat.

Biotin: helps boost metabolism and contributes to increased fat burning

Hormones:

You probably don’t think of hormones when you think about weight. But did you know certain hormones circulating in your body right now are directly responsible for fat production? You can control these hormones and maximise your weight loss through ingredients specifically formulated with this in mind.

Cacao Bean Extract: positively affects the hormones associated with hunger, effectively and healthily suppressing appetite.

Stress:

When you’re stressed or suffering from a lack of sleep, your body increases its production of cortisol, a hormone that is directly related to fat storage. Control this by getting plenty of rest and using products known to help regulate cortisol levels in the blood.

Holy Basil Powder: helps to lower cortisol levels and regulate stress levels that lead to fat accumulation.

Astragalus Root Power: encourages feelings of calm and wellbeing—essential for stress-level maintenance.

L-theanine: a natural substance found in green tea, aids weight loss by preventing fat accumulation and promoting relaxation and sleep.

Digestion:

Since your diet plays a big role in your ability to lose weight, optimal digestion is imperative. When your digestion slows down or isn’t functioning properly, your body isn’t able to maximise key nutrients in your food. Certain ingredients promote healthy digestion so that you get the most from your meals to keep you healthy and fit.

Fructo-oligosaccharides: improves healthy gut flora, which aids digestion.

White Kidney Bean Extract: helps delay the absorption of simple, starchy carbohydrates so your body burns fat instead of excess sugar.

HOW TO TAKE THE PRODUCT

Day Pre-Meal Drops:

With plant extracts, chromium, and biotin food supplement. Net Content: 60ml Bottle

RECOMMENDED DAILY INTAKE AND DIRECTIONS OF USE: Shake well before using. Take 15 drops (0.7 ml) 20-30 minutes before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Do not exceed the daily recommended portion.

Night Soothing Bedtime Drops:

With plant extracts food supplement. Net Content: 60ml Bottle

RECOMMENDED DAILY INTAKE AND DIRECTIONS OF USE: Shake well before using. Take 45 drops (2 ml) one to two hours before bedtime. For best results, do not eat after taking drops. Do not exceed the daily recommended portion.

I needed ideas for meals/support for the journey so i was added into a group called DNA24-Customer Support Group

This was my week 1 results

This is my 2 week results

When it came to meals, I WAS SO SCARED. But i found some amazing recipes.

Also i used my creative mind to think of new meals, here are the meals i had within the first 2 weeks; 

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Alongside the DNA24 Programme & a healthy diet; I also needed to work out. So i found an amazing PT & also worked out in my own time and now i am happy to say I LOVE THE GYM, I am starting to love myself again, my body is getting back in shape, my confidence is coming back and what’s even better is i actually feel so much healthier, so much more energetic , my sleep pattern is amazing, i have o headaches, no bad belly pains and i don’t feel as heavy!

CHANGE IS NOT EASY, BUT IT IS SOMETIMES NECESSARY.

The hard work continues but i am ready for the next 2 weeks…

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Current Weight: 9 stone 13

Waist: 26 inches

Lower abs: 28.5 inches

Lower Hips (Around the bum) 38 inches

Upper Arms 10 inches

Thighs 23 inches

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Getting my body back Let's start from the beginning, Because i don't want this blog to come across as me saying 'i have to look a certain way to love me' I wan't this to show the power of determination to change something if you really want to.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2017 Postmortem: 10 Questions

As 2017 finally and mercifully comes to end, it is time to reflect.

Originally, I had a long piece talking about my experience of the past year. I got about 1200 or so words into the piece before deciding to do something else. It was a combination of feeling that I was oversharing in parts and the piece being too melon collie.

I’m not going to say 2017 was a complete sh*t year for me, unlike 2016. There was a fair amount of terrible, but there was also a lot of good that came from it.

I have decided to look back at the year by answering 10 questions.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

A lot my work was in the automotive realm with the majority being news and new car reviews. There was a small number of opinion pieces that I tackled this year.

At the beginning of the year, I delved into the disappointing Detroit Auto Show and looked into the possible reasons as to what happened.

Then in July, I pondered what is the right size vehicle for me. This stemmed from me looking at various compact vehicles.

Here on Contradictory Enigmas, I wrote about my writing troubles. I can report that it has gotten somewhat better, but there are still times where I struggle.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Getting my splint removed and given the ok to put weight on my right leg

Doing a massive clean out of my room (7 garbage bags full of stuff, 50-plus books being donated)

Beginning to work on a backlog of fiction reading

Almost filling out a notebook with just writing practice

Being able to drive one of my dream cars, a Lexus LC 500 towards the end of the year

What are you really glad is over?

Aside from the year itself?

I would likely say the feeling of being stuck and thinking that I will not be able to move on. Being in a deep hole, I try my best to climb/claw my way out, only to fall back down and having to start once again. Having this happen over and over becomes very demotivating. It makes you want to give up. But something in me persisted to keep trying. One day, you will be able to climb out.

At least right now, I still fall down. But I know, sooner or later, I will be able to get out.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

I could easily list some of the negative items. For one, I have become a bit more socially awkward. I get way too nervous after sending out emails asking about new work or making a phone call about possibly scheduling a vehicle for review. Talking to someone new is very uncomfortable and I try to avoid it. A lot of this stems from not getting out of the house as much as I would like to during the past year. Plus, I’m not sleeping as much as I used to.

On the positives, I have been working on taking time for myself to anything else other than work. There is a stopping point I have on every workday that I follow, along with taking Sundays off. The challenge now is trying to figure out what to do with all of this time, aside from binging Netflix and YouTube. Cutting back on social media has helped in terms of my mental health and avoiding the FOMO phenomenon. It has also reduced my cynical thoughts by a wide margin - except on politics, but there are reasons to that.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Surprised at how resilient I have become over the past year. This was brought to light when I was notified that a company I had applied for went in a different direction for a job. I was devastated by the news as I got really far in the application process.

Usually, I would dive into work as a way to distract myself from this. But this never worked, only causing more stress and direness. This time, I would decide to a break from work and just let feelings work through. I would lay down for a bit and then find various distractions. A day later, most of the anguish and sadness would be gone. To say I was shocked was a massive understatement.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Realizing that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking time off from doing work. 2016 was the year of me trying to survive. I was constantly working seven days a week to make ends meet. As much I as wanted to take a break, I knew that it wasn't going to happen. Aside from feeling burnt out, this train of thought would cause me to feel quite guilty for taking some time for myself.  But this changed within the first few months of the year. I could tell my creativity and quality in my writing was going down. Something needed to change. It has been hard to change this mindset that dictated my 2016. But slowly, I have been making time for myself.

Cutting back the amount of news I take in has also done wonders. 2017 has been a year where it everyone is trying to become more informed with various news sources and gobbling up every story. The problem with is you get the feeling that the world is coming to an end and nothing good is happening. For me, I stay up to date by listening/reading news summaries in the morning and early evening. I might not know everything that is happening in the world at a given moment and I'm ok with that.

The last thing is that I need to get over the hangups of asking for help. I worry that I'm being a bit of a pain and taking advantage of someone when asking for help. But there is a little voice in my head that tells me that isn't true. - you don't constantly bug people about possible new work or looking at a piece, nor have squandered any opportunities in quite some time. It is ok to ask for help, you just need to do it.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?

The various editors that I worked with over the past year. They were all willing to take some time to go over my work to make them the best they could be. The editors would also take some time to talk with me about areas where I could improve and go over possible ideas. Any writer knows an editor is worth their weight in gold and I'm very lucky to have a few of them.

There was also the small group of close friends to help me get through the year. I'll admit that I feel terrible for not talking with them as much as I would like. But they would always seem to be happy whenever I would call.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Gotta Knock A Little Harder - Yoko Kanno and The Seatbelts, Cowboy Bebop: Knockin' on Heaven's Door: Future Blues

The closing song to the Cowboy Bebop movie has been on heavy rotation for me this past year. Some of the lyrics hit close to home.

Always keepin' safe inside Where no one ever had a chance To penetrate a break in

Let me tell you some have tried But I would slam the door so tight That they could never get in

Kept my cool under lock and key And I never shed a tear Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity That kept me on the run The main events at my confession

I kept a chain upon my door That would shake the shame of Cain Into a blind submission

It is a reminder for me that I cannot remain closed off from people. I need to be ok with being somewhat vulnerable, or else I'm locked up in a room of my own making and no one is coming to get me out.

The Rook - Daniel O'Malley

Trying to read any sort of fiction has been really for me. I tend to lose interest very quickly and not fully sure why. The Rook was one of the few fiction books that keep me interested this year. A secret agency that deals with supernatural threats and the main character who lost her memory - you have my attention. I’ll be reading the sequel sometime next year.

Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within - Natalie Goldberg

This book got me to start doing journaling with various ideas for pieces, stories, and other bits. I still need to finish the book though.

Promises - Monophonics

I only came across this song a few weeks ago and it has become one of my favorites. Something about this song makes want to constantly replay it once it ends.

What will you be leaving behind in 2017?

Setting unrealistic expectations on a number of things, "After I finish X, I can be happy," train of thoughts for example. Also, not trying to predict my future holds as it makes me miserable if it doesn't work out.

What are your goals for 2018?

The big goal for 2018 is figuring out who the hell I am.  In 2016, I felt that I lost the knowledge of who I was. Sure I am a human who is in their late 20s and writes about the auto industry and other bits. But other than those pieces, everything else about myself seemed to fade into black.

This past year has seen me pick up the various bits and pieces of myself in an effort to figure out who I am. It's a complicated puzzle where I have some of the pieces and trying to piece them together. There are a number of pieces that are missing - they could be somewhere else waiting to be unearthed or have faded away.

Next year is where I begin to put the puzzle together by working with the pieces that I have and also creating new ones to help fill in the gaps. I know that I will never be able to complete the puzzle, but I want to feel like that I have made some significant process, not starting at a giant pile and wondering what should I do.

Farewell 2017. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

#2017 #postmortem #reflection

[picturesinlove]

six films to watch before you start making

The six films i’ve learnt the most from...

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO AUTHORITY TO REALLY WRITE ABOUT THIS OR BE TRUSTED BUT MAYBE THIS WILL BE HEPFUL TO SOMEONE. MAYBE.

El Mariachi (1992) directed by Robert Rodriguez

- First feature from Rodriguez notoriously made on a $7,000 budget, most of which was spent on film stock and developing the negatives. A wicked little action movie.

- THE ONLY THING IN YOUR WAY IS YOU. Don’t talk about how you ‘aspire to be a filmmaker’... be one. There is no excuse to not do it. 

- Use every restriction as a strength. Turn it around. Use it to your advantage. ‘One person’s mistake is another’s art.’ 

- ‘The money hose’. There is a creative, cheap way around most problems. Don’t start ‘the money hose’ and point it at your problem- even if you can afford to. Anyone can point the money hose- I mean, it usually sort of solves the problem?? but it’s sooooooo boring. Often the most interesting things come from these situations. Think of creative ways to get around things.

- When you have limited resources, tripods and stands suck. Pick up your camera!! Move!! 

- You are *probably* right. And if you’re wrong- at least you made a decision. 

Sunrise: A Song Of Two Humans (1927) directed by F.W. Murnau

- Classic. The most masterful love poem every put to film.

- VISUALS. Film is a visual medium. This film has some of the finest visual storytelling of all time. You can see every character’s past, tell how they’re feeling in the present and think about where they’ll end up all just from looking.

- The over-arching question when planning a project- ‘why is this a film?’ Keep asking yourself. Why isn’t it a play? Or a radio play? or a novel? Why does it *have* to be a film? If it could be anything else- go back to the drawing board.

Pressure (2006) directed by Lena Dunham

- The camerawork sucks. The acting is ropey. One of my favourite student films of all time.

- If you have a voice- it’ll come through. Despite it failing in basically every technical category, this film has a voice. Dunham’s writing is so, so good years before she has anything to elevate it with. 

- Truly, no one cares about image quality if your story is good. Don’t worry about what camera you’re using. You can never replicate the look of a Hollywood film. Don’t try. You have a limited amount of effort and time. Spend it working on the story.

Apocalypse Now (1979) directed by Francis Ford Coppola

- ‘The rain patters deliberately. It's trying. It's trying real hard to cool off the world, but to no avail. The endless sweat parading down the faces of the losing minds and the tired souls only enhances the fever dreams and the sights of the figures within the shadows. The greatest cinematographic achievement of all time.’ - a review from ‘SilentDawn’ on Letterboxd (great website) that sums up watching this film perfectly. 

- PERSPECTIVE. Whatever you’re making, you’re not making Apocalypse Now. Calm down. It took me too long to realise that I’ll never be able to make a film as good as this... and when you accept it, you feel weirdly free. There are no heights you have to reach. Tell your story and maybe it’ll be as good as Apocalypse Now in its own way (it probably won’t be but that’s ok!)

- Sound is 50%... maybe even 51%. Cannot stress that enough. People will watch low quality visuals but they will not listen to bad sound. Use the sound to tell your story.

I Think This Is the Closest To How The Footage Looked (2012) directed by Yuval Hameiri and Michal Vaknin

- Hundreds of articles are written every year about how cinema and filmmaking are dead. They’re all wrong. This short singlehandedly proves it’s still very much alive and kicking.

- Innovate. Tell your story in your way, a way only you could tell. Put your fingerprints on it. Be personal. The best work is really a self portrait.

- You don’t need much to make something staggeringly good.

Citizenfour (2014) directed by Laura Poitras

- ‘The Edward Snowden film’. I sometimes struggle with the idea this actually exists. 

- Take risks. They’ll pay off. Or maybe they won’t- but it’s usually worth it.

- Film is important. Film can and will change the world. It’s a powerful, powerful medium that can reach every walk of life. It can make people feel and empathise like nothing else. Make something important. Respect film’s power and use it to make life on this dying rock a little better for everyone.