#me 4 my retard pills

[wellnesscard]

aint a chance in hell luv 😘

#the wallgreens app like yore pills madam?? #i said NO SIR GIT FUCKTTTTT #and keep ur damn pills too - oh wait #bc they will bc i forbid it to come onto me again #ahuh amen #for reference this about adderalls n how trash they are #ever tried not crashing? #tried not feeling microwaved? #tried eating a goddamn beet? #ya should #fr it was gud for like one year tops. morelikely less than. just smoke meth chill out n rebound okay? go thru the cycle quickly stop buggin #me 4 my retard pills

[erikaqueenpauline]

I'm starting this post for like the third time hoping dumb ass Tumblr doesn't say 'oops something went wrong' and delete everything I wrote. continuing on about dextromethorphan, I have to tell you about the 4th plateau. 4th plateau dxm tripping (for most people anything north of 1000mg would be edging into this territory) is some serious shit not to be toyed around with or attempted on a whim. I have had some mystical, spiritual nirvana like experiences in the 4th plateau and on the other hand I've accidentally gotten trapped there and experienced hellish terrifying madness. I have ended up in jail cells and psych wards fucking with the 4th plateau, this is not something to be taken lightly. you experience total annihilation of all familiar constructs and tethers you're just adrift in the white blank abyss outside everything you can't tell what's real you don't know if you're on drugs or if things have always been this way and always will be forever ... like I said it can be terrifying or super sublime, it will make you reconsider every preconceived notions and belief you had, seeing everything from an emotionless objective outside viewpoint. proceed with caution lil dextronaut, tread carefully 4th plateau can be belief-shattering, life altering. you can also recall repressed memories in 4th plateau (maybe even 3rd) which can be really traumatic and huge. I definitely have experience with that phenomenon.

other dxm wisdom I bestow onto you 😁... lots of people like "triple C's" or coricidin cough and cold - I don't fuck with that shit cuz the chlorpheniramine weirds up the high too much... idk how to explain it but throw in that (also psychoactive) extra ingredient and it's a whole different ballgame. you get real fucked up but it's not for me any more. that being said, I ALWAYS take diphenhydramine (benadryl) with my dex, anywhere between 4 and 10 25mg pills depending on how fucked up I'm trying to get. dph is also an SSRI and an anticholinergic deliriant hallucinogen, frankly it's straight up dangerous, much more so than dxm. causes heart rhythm problems and convulsions and shit if you take too much - it enhances the dxm high to me, gives it a little more euphoria and body high and edging into visual hallucinations (esp higher amounts) but it also makes me fucking RETARDED in a way dxm alone does not, like seriously slow and simple in the head like counting things is hard lol ... so not something you want to do when you need to be functional, only good for being extremely fucked up listening to music and watching visualizers. 😄 also causes shaky hands, dry mouth, poor motor skills you walk like your drunk all teeter tottery and shit. so if you're gonna try adding in dph just know a little goes a long ways and your kinda playing with a live cobra that can turn on you. IMPORTANT: THE TRIP LOG. something I started doing long ago and follow religiously is I keep a designated little notebook where everytime I take a dose of dxm or dph (I include all psychoactive substances) I write down exactly how much I took and at what time. this is very helpful for when you're like "hmm I don't feel that high, I'm gonna take some more" if you look at the trip log and see it's only been 45mins since you took a dose of dxm you know to wait another 15mins or so for that to kick in before you go taking more shit, you feel me. it helps to know dxm hydrobromide takes about an hour to kick in, Mucinex about an hour and a half and delsym about two to two and a half hours. diphenhydramine takes about 45 minutes. you should generally always do these drugs on an empty stomach, food slows down the absorption and you won't get as high and it'll take longer. so if you know you're gonna trip don't eat anything heavy beforehand. and if you were wondering yes just swallow the syrup or pills, dxm and dph cannot be injected snorted or smoked. use caution when mixing dxm and THC you will get WAY more fucked up than either substance alone. alcohol and dxm is a good way to end up puking esp if you tend to have a weak stomach, products with guaifinesin extra prone to make you nauseated and or puke.

DANGERS OF DXM USE:

causes heart rate to be very elevated like 140 just sitting there not doing anything. if you have a weak heart don't use. for some reason extended use causes (at least for me) super low blood glucose levels, just found this out recently - to combat this drink regular (sugary) soda. dxm abuse can very often cause urinary retention! (doubly so if mixing in dph) - I cannot tell you how many times I've gone to ER in severe discomfort with liters of piss in my bladder completely unable to urinate, get bladder scanned and then catheter in the urethra, I have done this so many times it's not even fucking funny. over the years have learned some ways to cope with that (limiting fluid intake before and during trip, moderating dosage, tricks to coax the urine out of me) but seriously this can be unpleasant if you drink too much liquids and are on a high dose of dxm.

chronic extended abuse like I do causes other problems like digestive tract issues, short term memory loss (amnesia like a motherfucker), falling out and having convulsions and splitting your fucking face open, all sorts of fun adventures like that. so yeah dxm can be a powerful tool to recall repressed memories, cope with trauma, shake off outmoded beliefs, etc but not when you do it every fucking day all day, then you're just a fucking vegetable doing nothing and going nowhere. I'm trying to get clean off this shit and get back to recording my music. aight that's all for now got shit to do - Erika aka Queen Pauline

#dxm #dextromethorphan

[deerydear]

I think that I enjoy accusing myself of insanity.

This has been a habit I've kept up since grade.... 4.

Why?

Insanity?

Pathos?

Well, they do call it a pathology!

I wasn't insane in grade 4. I mocked hanging myself with a scarf, to freak my friend out. I think I'm just a huge asshole.

More pathos.

A different shade, sanguine.

I got sent to the psychiatric ward, because I was too much of a tough personality to tell anyone was I was making a joke. I thought, "yeah, I'll take it. So what." I got out a week later, new dose of antidepressants.

I wrote recently how I started using an herbal anti-depressant... but my old script didn't do anything for me. I didn't feel better. Nonetheless, I took those pills for three years, to make people shut up. I wonder if this left some chemical footprint behind in my developing brain.

My real source of depression, as I saw it, was the looming future in this retarded industrial society that means nothing, is nothing. I was young, profoundly young. I didn't have a car. I didn't feel like I had a future. Pills wouldn't help that.

I was a young plant trying to send out shoots, and running into concrete, over and over....

So what?

Yeah, now I'm older. I feel like I have something. I feel like I'm headed somewhere.

I've been told by my mother that depression runs on her side of the family.

A long time ago, so long that I don't know why I even think about it... some stranger in a group-chat had accused me of 'faking mental illness' in this concerned fucking annoying SJW tone. I literally said nothing. I was pretending to be 'dead'.

"My problem is…. I'm so good at faking… that even the doctors are convinced!"

For clarity, I had not been 'claiming to have any sort of mental illness'. I was just acting goofy. Apparently that is 'making a stereotype of the mentally ill', in the eyes of a self-absorbed pedant.

Funnily enough, I anonymously gave this individual some advice for coping with a mental disorder that we both dealt with. She didn't know it was me. She thanked me.... and said.... "solidarity, bruv!"

ha. hahahaha hahahah.hhahahahaha.

[thescarletwitchsapprentice]

A Pure Soul: Nearly Taken (Yandere!Wanda Maximoff x ADD!autistic!reader)

*Not my GIF.

Summary: The day (y/n) comes back to the compound after being told all those nasty things takes a toll on their mental health and self-esteem. Unfortunately it gets to a point that Wanda hoped it would NEVER reach.

Request?: Still none.

Word Count: 3,456

Warnings: Ableism, eugenics mention, r-word slur, attempted suicide, attempted overdose, hurt and comfort.

Notes: This is a sort of “in-between scene” from “A Pure Soul.” The rate of suicide is 3 times higher in autistic people because of the world’s lack of understanding and willingness to accommodate us. Plus being told the world would be better off without you, along with people looking for ways to make sure we’re not born....that’s gonna take a toll. So it makes sense for these feelings to emerge.

=============================================

You know that the world isn’t very kind to the disabled.

You know that the world wishes people like you wouldn’t exist.

But that doesn’t make what happened hurt any less.

You were out shopping when you ran into your best friend from high school. Except....this friend wasn’t the same as you knew them. No, instead they showed you their true colors.

“Oh hey, (y/n),” they said.

Tone has never been your specialty.

“Hey!” you exclaimed happily as you were looking through the books at your local bookstore. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How are you?”

“Better. How’s the treatment coming along?”

This confused you.

“Treatment?”

They nodded.

“For that disease you call autism.”

This struck a chord, and it struck HARD. How could they say something like that?!

“D-disease?!”

They smirked.

“I mean, it just makes us humans lives harder to be around your kind.”

What?!

“What the hell’s gotten into you?!” you exclaimed. “I thought you were my best friend!”

“Oh?”

They pretended to wrack their brain.

“Oh! Yeah, I was such a great actor in that part. I should get an Oscar. Here’s the tea; I lost a bet and had to be your best friend for those four hellish years. I can’t believe they wanted me to suffer that much.”

Your heart began to crack. It was all....an act?

“You took my high school years away from me, made me miserable. I could’ve won prom royalty, but no one voted for me because I associated myself with your species. I’m glad you’re out of my life now. You’re nothing but a burden and the world would be so much better off without you. Why not do us that favor?”

Your heart shattered. You were so plagued with shock that you didn’t notice them push you to the ground and spit on you before walking away with a satisfied chuckle. For the next few minutes, you couldn’t say or do anything. You were just frozen to the spot, their words bouncing around your head.

Finally you were able to feel both the physical and emotional pain. Pursing your lips, you got up, kept your head down, and quickly left the bookstore, trying not to let the tears fall.

===============================================

In the elevator, heading up to your floor, you can barely form a new thought. All you can think of is that hurtful interaction. 

Burden, your kind, your species, disease....

It all hurt. 

And the worst part is that you can’t help but think that they’re right.

But your thoughts are jolted by the elevator bell. As usual you find the Avengers hanging out in the lounge. Nat and Clint are chatting with Wanda. Tony and Peter are working on homework. You can barely see what the others are doing. 

Almost instantly, Wanda’s eye falls on you. She has a smile on her face, but it falls when she sees you, as she instantly knows that something is wrong. 

“(Y/N)!” she whispers worried.

She rushes over and gives you a gentle hug, but you practically squeeze the life out of her. The other Avengers also come to your aid. 

“What happened?” Wanda asks you.

You gulp as she and Nat lead you to the couch.

“I....” you begin as you sit down. “I was out shopping....and I ran into my best friend from high school....”

You tell them the entire interaction. Shocked looks are nearly all around by the end.

“That’s seriously messed up,” Nat says in a mix of disgust and anger.

The others nod in agreement, except for Wanda. Instead she begins to tear up. 

“My sweet angel,” she weeps softly as she hugs you closer and pets your head. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel. None of what they said is true, not one bit of it. You’re an absolute joy to have around and you’re one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. You bring so much to the Avengers and to our lives. Autism is not a disease. It’s a part of who you are, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“Wanda’s right,” Peter nods. “You’re wonderful, (y/n). You’re one of the best friends I could ever ask for.”

“And you bring a lot of new perspectives,” Nat adds. “You came into our lives when we needed you the most, especially Wanda.”

They all take turns giving you words of comfort and encouragement as well as letting you cry. Wanda stays the closest to you, to no one’s surprise, hugging you tightly. Her embrace is exactly what you need right now; so warm and loving. 

Tony, though not the most emotional person, does feel sympathetic and even angered at the person who said that to you; even though you’re on the opposite side of the Accords, he decides to get your favorite food for dinner. It’s not the greatest gesture of sympathy, but it’s definitely something. After that, you take a nice, warm shower and get into some fresh, soft pajamas. Wanda’s waiting for you in your bedroom, and surprises you with some soft socks that match your pajamas.

“I removed the fabric tags too,” she tells you.

Your heart melts a bit more for her. How someone as kind, attentive, and loving as her could ever be considered a terrible person is beyond you. You let her put them on your feet and they feel amazing. You wriggle your toes in them, smiling. 

“You like them?” she asks you.

“I love them,” you giggle before turning to Wanda. “And I love you.”

She smiles and gives you a kiss on the forehead.

“I love you too, my angel.”

The two of you spend the rest of the night together, cuddling up close with one another, watching sitcoms, singing quietly. You doze off in her arms.....

But that doesn’t mean it’s over.....

==============================================

You’re not someone who easily forgets how things make you feel, and what that person said still makes you feel like shit. Now whenever you go out, you’re worried that you’re going to run into them. You keep your guard up and walk as quickly as you can. Every outing feels like a fight for survival, but you try to stay strong so that you don’t bother the others. You try to keep a smile on your face. You need to be strong.....

.....But even the strong reach their limits.

It’s a little after you found out they became catatonic. You’re at a coffee shop, nearly empty, when someone else walks in. It’s a friend of that person. You keep your head low as they place their order; four cups of black coffee, extra hot. Your anxiety is increasing, but you don’t want this person to think you’re weak. You keep your back to them, hearing the door open again. 

The other person is called for their order. Maybe you can finally get out of here.

The next thing you know, you feel something steaming hot being poured down the back of your shirt, on your head, thrown in your face, (which you luckily cover most of with your arms) and splattered on your arms and legs. Standing up, you cry out in pain as you whirl around to see 4 people from high school, among them the friend of your former best friend.

“It’s your fault my best friend can’t function, you retard!” the friend snaps as they push you around roughly.

“No one wants you on this planet,” spits another.

“You’re nothing but a parasite!”

“You just weigh people down!”

“You’re an embarrassment to society!”

“Why don’t you just end this?”

“It’ll be better that way!”

“Your birth was a mistake!”

By this time, you’re hardly a thread’s width away from a meltdown and you look at the cashier for help, but nothing. You try to take out your phone to call for help, but you end up slipping on the coffee, falling to the ground hard and in an odd position, hearing a crack. Pain surges through your body as you look at your arms; burn marks are beginning to form.

After they kick at you for a bit and spit on you, they leave. You look up at the cashier. 

“Why....didn’t you help?” you whimper with a whistle in your voice.

No answer. 

They don’t help you up either. Crawling to the door, you use a nearby booth to bring yourself back up to your feet. Suddenly you feel an intense surge of pain in your left leg, and not just from the burns. You look to see that it’s swollen and turning reddish-purple. You reach into your coat and get out your phone only to discover that it’s dead. Wanda’s going to be worried sick....you hate making her worry, and she’s been worried sick these last few weeks to the point where it’s taking a toll on her; so on the way back, you decide to take one worry out of her life for good.

======================

It’s dark when you get back to the compound. And lucky for you, the elevator is closed for repairs. You limp up the stairs, finally reaching the compound. As quiet as a dust mite, you open the door, biting down on your lips to keep yourself from crying out in pain; unfortunately, your lips took some burn damage as well. Limping to the bathroom, you shut and lock the door. You search the medicine cabinet and find some pills.

“This should do the trick,” you whisper.

You try to quietly position yourself on the floor so that you won’t hit your head. You want to be able to pass as peacefully as possible. But something gives in your left leg and you fall, letting out a loud cry of agony. Realizing your mistake, you quickly fiddle with the lid of the bottle as you hear footsteps rush in. You finally get the lid open and begin to pour out the whole bottle into your hand, hoping to get it in in time--

Click!

The lock turns scarlet, clicks, and the door swings opens. 

“(Y/N)!”

A terrified Wanda immediately snatches the pills and bottle from you with her powers. She makes them disappear before heading to your side, tears already flowing from her eyes.

“My sweet angel.....” she squeaks as she kneels in front of you gently taking ahold of your hands. “I didn’t realize you were feeling this terrible. I’m so sorry things have reached this point.”

You look away guiltily. 

“No, I’m sorry....it’s my fault. I never said....anything. You....you’ve been so stressed these past few weeks....all of you. I didn’t want to make it worse on you, so....I just kept quiet.”

Wanda shakes her head.

“You have nothing to apologize for, (y/n). It can be scary, but there’s no shame in reaching out. We all need help sometimes.”

Other footsteps rush in.

“What happened?” Nat asks. “Did (y/n)---?”

“Almost,” Wanda gulps. “We need to get them to the emergency room.”

“I’m fine,” you lie.

“Are you fine?” Wanda asks.

You realize that it’s pointless to lie, and you shake your head.

“No, I’m not....”

“Then we need to take you to the emergency room.....”

That’s when she sees the burns and leg.

“Especially to treat these.....what happened?”

As they carry you to the car, you tell them about the run-in at the coffee shop, them pouring the hot coffee on you, how they were telling you all of these things, how the cashier did nothing to help, how you heard that crack. Both of them are disgusted and horrified at those monsters.

“I don’t care what they say,” Nat tells you as they get you inside. “I’m glad that you’re here.”

“I am too,” Wanda agrees as she gets in the front seat. “We’re here for you.”

“But.....my autism.....”

Wanda gently takes ahold of your fingers, careful to avoid the burns.

“My angel.....I can only imagine how isolating it feels to be in a world that’s not made for you, but your autism is part of who you are. It’s what makes you unique. If the world refuses to accommodate for people like you on their own, we’ll help them to see that they need to, and we’ll help advocate with you.”

Nat nods as she starts the car up and the three of you head for the ER.

“I....I feel selfish worrying you like this and even attempting....I just thought....you’ve been so stressed and I thought it’d be better to take one worry out of your life.”

“You have nothing to feel selfish about,” Wanda assures you. “What you did wasn’t selfish. You’re in pain, and wanting to do something to stop that pain isn’t selfish. But there are better ways to deal with the pain, and I want to help you with those. (Y/N), I can say with 100% certainty that I’m glad to have you in my life, through the good and the bad.”

Tears flow down your face as the three of you silently drive to the ER.

=============================================

It takes several hours for you to be treated, along with a few more hours of consultation for your mental health. Some of the burns are treated through surgery, so you have to stay for a little over a week to make sure you recover and stabilize. Your leg is put in a cast, and Wanda comes to visit you everyday. You feel much better with her and Nat.

A psychologist comes in to discuss a safety plan with you. You decided to ask Wanda if she’d come and discuss it with them. She said yes and Nat also decided to help. You all work out what works in terms of coping mechanisms, people you can talk to, calming techniques, etc,. The psychologist also recommends regular counseling. Wanda asks if there are any remote options for counseling, as it’s going to be difficult for you to get there with your leg, (Also, she’s a little worried that the therapist might try to take you away from her, but she does show concern for your leg) and to her relief, there is. 

You’re discharged after about a week, but you’re not to be left alone for a few days to another week or two, just to be sure. Well, it’s more of Wanda’s recommendation than psychologist’s orders, but the psychologist also thinks that that could be a good idea. You’re not really complaining; it’s more time to spend with Wanda. And she’s certainly not complaining either.

For that time, especially, she makes sure you know that you’re loved, wanted, valued. She practically dotes on you; as if she hadn’t been doting on you before, she’s especially pampering you now. The other Avengers also get the 411, and decide to help. If you need pain or sleep medications, one of them brings the proper dose to you. They take turns spending time with you and getting to know you more. If they need to go out on a mission, Wanda volunteers to stay with you, but if she’s absolutely needed there, she entrusts your care to Vision, a robot who’s exceptionally caring. You and Wanda regularly discuss possibly adding him to the relationship, but you’re not sure if she’s being serious or not. 

On one night, Wanda’s caring for you. After applying the prescribed cream on your burns, she helps you find an oversized t-shirt to wear as PJs. 

“This one’s softer than the others,” you note.

“I went looking for a shirt with a softer material than normal,” she tells you as she prepares a small dose of melatonin for you, one that you’ve been taking to combat the nightmares of those events in the hospital. “I know how much it tends to make you feel discomforted if there is one. I also made sure it was a tagless shirt.”

You smile and sigh.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve an angel like you, Wanda,” you tell her.

Hearing this she smiles and blushes.

“If anyone’s the angel, it’s you,” she says as she gives you the melatonin. “You’ve been there for me even when I’m at my absolute worst.”

“So have you.”

You take the melatonin before Wanda brings you your toothbrush and toothpaste. You brush thoroughly before spitting it into a cup that Wanda disposes of. 

“You know, I could go to the bathroom and do this myself,” you tell her kindly.

“I know,” she sighs. “I’m just worried, my angel.”

“What if I wash my face tonight with the door open?” you suggest.

Wanda gives this a little thought and nods. 

“I can work with that.”

Using your crutches, you walk to the bathroom where you sit on a stool in front of the sink. You wash and dry your face before heading to the bed with Wanda helping you get tucked in.

“You’re seriously an angel,” you tell her. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone outside of my family that’s been as concerned about my well-being as you.”

“And you’re too sweet,” she smiles again as she finishes getting ready for bed herself. “If anyone’s the undeserving, I don’t deserve you.”

“No, it’s the other way around,” you say.

“No, I’m certain I’m right.”

You giggle.

“Wanda, if we try to prove one right over the other, we’ll be going at this all night.”

She smiles as she goes over to the other side of the bed. 

“Well, I know you’re an angel,” she tells you as she gets under the covers. “You came to me in a dark time, and you shone a beam of sunlight through the shadow.”

The two of you look at each other as the fairy lights hang above you. Of course you’re looking at the bridge of her nose, but you can’t help but glance up at her eyes a few times; one time they catch you, and they are stunning. They’re like emeralds to you; vivid, entrancing, mystical. Just a single glance, and you know there’s so much to know about, so much to discover, and you become lost in them. 

“I’m so proud of you, (y/n).”

Wanda’s gentle voice echoes against your eardrums and dances around your mind, soothing you into drifting even more. But then she boops you on the nose, making it twitch like a bunny’s and snapping you out of your trance.

“Huh?” you ask, looking lost.

Wanda giggles.

“You are too cute,” she tells you. “I was saying that I’m so proud of you for pushing through all of this. It’s not the easiest thing to do, and.....well.....I’m glad you’re still alive, my sweet little sunbeam.”

You blush upon hearing this and turn away, but Wanda gently redirects your face forward.

“There’s no need to hide, my angel. I want to see your lovely face.”

At that moment, you begin to feel drowsy and bring yourself closer to her.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough, Wanda,” you sigh.

She brings you in closer and you melt into her embrace.

“Being with you, and you being safe and happy and alive.....that’s the only thank you I need.”

Leaning in, she kisses you gently on your forehead and you shyly return one on her cheek. 

“Goodnight, my angel,” she tells you as she brushes a strand of hair out of your way.

“Wait,” you say as she turns to switch the lights off. “Will....will you sing me those lullabies again? Please?”

“Of course,” she smiles. 

Turning the lights off, she returns to embrace you and softly sings the Sokovian lullabies her parents used to sing to her. As you drift off to sleep, you don’t know what’s going on in her mind. What’s going on with her mind? Her master plan, of course. Tonight’s the night she will finish what she started. Those monsters at the coffee shop messed with the wrong person. For the past few nights, she’s been paying them visits, doing the same things she did with your former best friend, and sending subconscious suggestions for them to gather in one place, thinking they’d be safer together. And now they have.

Tonight she’s going to make sure their minds are gone for good, but not before making them feel the pain and agony she imagines you felt. Her anger with them is in full throttle, so it’s going to be even worse for them. Telekinesis, fear projection, hypnosis, inducing extreme fear, she’ll do whatever she has to. Wanda will not leave until they’re nothing more than hollow husks, shadows of their former selves. With how they’d been acting on those nights, and how much Wanda has done so far, it won’t take too long. 

Because no one-and she means no one-gets away with hurting her precious angel.......ever.

#cw suicide attempt #yandere x reader #yandere wanda maximoff #yandere wanda maximoff x reader #yandere marvel #wanda maximoff x reader #yandere avengers #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #yandere scarlet witch #wanda maximoff x autistic!reader #autistic!reader #marvel imagine #avengers imagines

[joeymoongamoonga]

0. Model Minority

lil brother, lil brother, forget we are cousins and call me brother.

1. Brotherland

My brother’s left ear shriveled like a pink worm, right eye soldered shut.

Half-deaf, half-blind: tongue-twitch, arm-spasm.

Skull beating against the walls, fists pounding against the floors,

flesh knocking against wood, body praying for what?

2. The Anatomy of Melancholy

Broken plates, slobber-milk, spit, cupboard, window, outside.

uncle working, drinking, drinking, working, drinking.

Aunt cleaning after brother, scolding him when he’d peed himself,

no one to bring him home when he wandered

into neighbor's farm's yards,

3. The Melancholy of Anatomy

“Retard bus! Let’s ride the retard bus!” the neighborhood

boys chanted when we walked past. There was no passing.

as if whiteness were the heaven from which we fell,

and not-whiteness our original sin,

our lack, the plain where “outside comes in” —

4. O

The day we couldn’t find him, when he was four,

makes a hole that has no end.

For hours and hours, aunt called his name,

going door to door, like a salesman —

5. ParadOx

And through the O, another world, where what happened here never happened there—

where our neighbors’ son and his friend never locked him in their storage shed,

never beat him with crowbar, shovel, broom

never shoved a shaft in his rectum, puncturing his colon

no lacerations, no gash in his skull needing stitches

no garden-hose used as a whip

no shotgun or slug-sweat

no clawhammer or dog’s choke-chain

6. ST RAGE

Don’t touch the gash on his skull, his black-bruise eyes, his broken nails:

don’t touch the rips on his wrists and ankles where ropes cut skin.

Father gave us tranquilizers, so we wouldn’t frighten him.

We all took them, blue pills in little paper cups at the supper table.

St Thorazine, St Morphine, St Demerol, St Haldol.

7. Crux

But I don’t want pills.

I just want my brother unharmed.

8. Fugue: Invention of Heaven

And the LORD sayeth, Forgive

And the LORD sayeth, Repent

but why should I forgive them, when I can’t forgive myself?

9. Prayer for Beginners

To be made is to be mad.

Shame of the ignorant father-mother with their broken English

who couldn’t save their son, shame of the cousin-brother who couldn’t bully the bullies ¾

guardians who couldn’t guard, aunt cried so hard

she needed ice on her swollen eyes to sleep,

cold as coins laid on the eyes of the dead.

10. Fugue: calling the Maker

You in whom I believe, come down to Aunt and console her.

Sing to her, pray with her, but make the prayer sweet as breath, strong as life. the word heals that has been made flesh.

#poetry

[yikesharringrove]

Hello! i don’t think i’ve given you any of my weird headcanons in a hot minute so here’s a new favorite! Steve with ADHD, at first nobody notices it, he gets along well enough as a young kid people just think he has an active imagination, when in real it y he just can’t pay attention. He’s in 5th grade when his teacher pulls him out of class and tells him he needs to start paying attention, Steve almost starts crying as he tries to explain to her that he just can’t, that it doesn’t work (pt.1)

(pt.2) so the teacher tells him to stay back after class that day, he totally forgets and almost ends up leaving just further probing her suspicions. She asks him to extol in what he means, he doesn’t know what to say, says that too many things are happening for him to pay attention in class, and that sometimes if he hears another teacher he’ll end up listening to that, or if he can look out a window he’ll get distracted, and she already knows what’s going on, calls his parents for a meeting

(pt.3) So his mom comes in, his dad “could make it” but that works out for steve because his mom actually gets him tested, and his test comes back positive so he has to take meds now and sure his grades aren’t the best but they are so much better and he can actually sit in class and focus, but randomly in his sophomore year tommy finds the pills and makes fun of him and he gets so embarrassed that he just stops taking them, and his grades drop bad and he can’t focus and he feels like shit 

(pt.4) he goes around like that for a while feeling lost and distracted but refusing to take his meds and be lame, he only starts taking them again after nancy breaks up with him because he needs to focus on something that isn’t the break up, but they aren’t working well which is to be expected he hasn’t taken them in more then a year, so he ends up totally freaking out and that’s how billy finds him, sitting on the bathroom floor with the WORST headache he’s ever had and he takes pity on him

(pt.5) billy and steve were kind of friends after the fight they had talked and worked things out, not super close but enough to not be so weird around each other anymore, so billy takes him home and makes sure he gets new meds and makes sure he keeps taking them and on days when he can tell steve is space and distracted and clearly forgot he’ll drive to his house and make him take them, and steve will bitch and moan but he actually loves that someone cares enough to make sure he’s ok

(optional pt.6) billy realizing he really likes steve when steve is talking about a special interest and getting super happy and he just can’t help but feel in love with him (is this totally based off my expletive with adhd? yes it is! is this the exact way my hug said she realized she love me? yes it is 🥰)

Hi! I have another one of your AMAZING headcanons in my drafts still, I’m working on it I’m sorry I’m the slowest writer ever.

So, I think I’ve said this, but ADHD makes A LOT of sense for Steve. I don’t have ADHD, so I’m sorry if this is in accurate, I did some research, didn’t want this to be like, bad.

Also, I put him on Ritalin for timing purposes and bc it can cause panic attacks. 🤷‍♀️ and his favorite animals are giraffes, goats and lobsters, 3 of my favorite animals.

Read on ao3

When Steve was little, he could never focus on something for longer than ten minutes.

He would be running through the house, leaving toys on the ground when he remembered a game he could play in another room. His nannies would roll their eyes, picking up after him.

When he got to school, it was more of the same. He would get distracted by every bird that he could see outside. He would be in the middle of class, the teacher would say something about giraffes and his mind would race about animals, would think about every country in Africa he could name, would think about whether or not Lithuania was in Africa.

His grades would slip, tests were a nightmare when he got caught up watching a bee buzzing near the window, only to realize he had answered three questions and only had eleven minutes left.

He was always a poor student, until fifth grade.

Mrs. Wilson had called him up after class, had noticed him zoning out and was about to chide him when she noticed the tears in his eyes.

“I just, I don’t know what happens, sometimes, my thoughts go too fast for my own brain and I can’t focus.” He was sniffling across from her.

“Steve, I’m going to have a chat with your parents. You’re not in trouble, but I think we can help you.” She smiled as she pat his shoulder, letting himself get collected before going to his next class.

She called his parents in at the end of the day, his mother sitting in the seat next to Steve, the principal joining them.

“I’ve noticed some trends in Steve’s school work and his presence in class. We think it may be in his best interest to test him for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. We feel that pinpointing the problem for him may be more helpful moving forward.

Mrs. Harrington agreed, waved her hand in a way that said she was bored of the conversation. Steve spent the whole next Saturday going through various tests, was wrung dry by the end of the day, but left with a clear diagnosis.

He began taking a low does of Ritalin, began focusing in class. His grades skyrocketed, getting the very first B+ he had ever gotten on his English essay.

He was okay until sophomore year.

He was an okay student, could focus in class, but not necessarily retain or understand the information.

But then Tommy found the pills, had laughed at him and called him retarded, the word that had haunted him his whole life, spat at him by the father that didn’t care about him.

So he flushed the pills, never refilled his prescription.

His grades slipped immediately. He wasn’t able to focus in class, had gone back to the days of staring out the window and getting confused about why it was called a square root.

He was constantly moving, would bounce his leg, would tap his pencil, would sometimes take the hall pass and just walk.

He knows taking his meds would fix the problem, but he had Nancy know, didn’t want her to know this weakness of his, this shameful secret.

But then he didn’t have Nancy, and his thoughts were racing, jumping from Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to-

He broke down February of senior year.

Graduation was soon as Steve’s grades were ass. He needed to focus on something that wasn’t Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad. So he filled his old prescription, took the same does he had two years ago and went to school.

When he was first put on the meds, he was told panic attacks and anxiety could be a side effect. He had never experienced that before, but now, now he lived in constant anxiety, and with his Ritalin, he was a mess.

He had locked himself in the bathroom above the gym, the one nobody uses. He was on the floor, trying to ground himself against the wall, trying to think of anything other than Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, demodog, demodog, demodog-

“Pretty Boy?”

Billy was in front of him, eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Steve.

“B-Billy?”

“You okay? You’re kinda, kinda losin’ it.”

“I, I went off my meds for a, a few years, and I put myself back on them, and it’s, I, I know it’s lame, but they usually help and now-” he sobbed as Billy pulled him into his chest, soothing him softly.

“What meds?”

“Ritalin. It’s for, for ADHD.” Billy huffed a laugh.

“I fuckin’ knew it. The way you talk a mile a damn minute.” Steve’s heart sank. “And it’s not lame. Some peoples’ brains are just, wired different.”

Steve was starting to calm down, the anxiety shoving over into a raging headache. He groaned into Billy’s shoulder.

“What’s up?”

“Head hurts.”

“Want me to take you home.” Steve just nodded, his eyes squeezed shut. Billy drove him home, sat with him while Steve called his doctor, made an appointment for next weekend.

Steve had gotten a new medication, adjusted to his current state. The new meds were like magic, allowing Steve to focus when he needed, wouldn’t let him fall into hyperfocus on something that wasn’t productive. He finished senior year on a good note, with okay-enough grades to score his diploma.

He spent the summer at Scoops, working alongside Robin.

Billy came in every day. Would sit with him on Steve’s break. On the days Steve seemed more spaced, he would marrow his eyes, would say you didn’t take your meds today, would drive to Steve’s house to get them for him, would make sure he took them, would take drinks out of Steve’s hands at parties, would make sure he wouldn’t do anything to interfere with them, would dread the days he would find Steve nauseous from the meds.

Bonus:

Steve realized he was in love with Billy when he found out Billy starting keeping a small store of Steve’s meds in his car, would update them periodically to make sure they were safe, effective.

Billy realized he was in love with Steve when he was talking about every animal he could name. He showed Billy the small library of books he had bought for himself about animals, could explain the difference between kingdom, class, phylum, and genus. Was throwing out Latin names for his favorite animals, giraffa camelopardalis, capra aegagrus hircus, nephropidae. Billy couldn’t help himself, had just leaned over and kissed him, left Steve giggling as they made out.

#yikes writes #steve harrington #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #billy hargrove #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #harringrove drabble #harringrove #steve has adhd

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #326

“life by life  /  waste to waste  /  i'm the harbinger: the master of decay”

When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? Do you mean like, for the wedding? Probably the venue. Or possibly the photographer. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No. What’s something you complain about frequently? My legs. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. Are you close to any of your aunts/uncles? Not very. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? Very much so. Do you own anything that is special edition? Yeah, things like DVDs. Do you have any funky bookmarks? I have this one meerkat bookmark where the image moves when you tilt it. Did you ever watch Pokemon? Hell yeah I did. Are there more females or males in your family? Females. Does anyone in your family snore loudly? My mom does due to having gerd. Dad did too when I actually lived with him. I wouldn't know nowadays. Do you own a camera tripod? Yes. Did you ever believe in mermaids? No. Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yes. Any essential quirks/interests/other you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Similar interests, like being a metal fan and gamer especially, as well as a serious animal lover for sure. Any romantic gestures you really like? Okay if someone did that little bow thing while reaching out for my hand to dance, I'd melt, lol. I also appreciate love interests holding open doors, SHOWING INTEREST IN HOW I FCKN FEEL, asking permission before doing anything in sexual exploration, stuff like that. Any sexual fantasies? Are you daring enough to share one? Yep, not sharing those lmfao. Have you ever been in love? Twice. What is your favorite/least favorite word? My favorite is "serendipity/serendipitous," and my least favorite is "retarded." Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. If I actually had a body I was confident in, I probably would in privacy tho at night lmao. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Oh yeah. What is your favorite thing to do? Probably RPing with my favorite OCs when I'm in a really creative mood and during a great scene. Did you go to your senior prom? Yeah, I did. Prom's honestly pretty damn overrated, but I did it and his senior prom anyway. It's the picking out a beautiful dress and taking pictures that I loved. What did you do after graduation? I don't remember. We probably went out to eat or something. Favorite home cooked meal growing up? Spaghetti. What item most embarrasses you to purchase? Nothing, really. Do you give cards to people for holidays or events? No. Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. Uhhhhh idk. Name two things you put whipped cream on? I hate the texture of whipped cream. Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? Sometimes if I want a snack but am trying to be healthy-ish, I'll eat just a scoop. What was the last pill you took for? Pain. Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? Loose, 100%. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? Meerkats grooming. I did it in high school on a large piece of burlap. Are there any songs that remind you of your mother? "Take It Like a Woman" by Alice Cooper, for one. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? Very smart, sweet, friendly, and nice. Game you were best at in PE/gym? Pf, none. Obsession from childhood? Dinosaurs and Pokemon. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's talk about deep stuff regarding the world or about how awesome animals are. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh boy. There are just way too many. I'll try to name a few: 1.) the "I can't find my berries" saga guy; 2.) *in drive-thru, asked what he would like to order* "I wanna FUCKIN DIE"; 2.) "i cOUldA DROPpeD my CroISSAnt"; 3.) "it's Wednesday, m'dudes"; 4.) "a d a m"; 5.) "I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH." God, I miss Vine. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Holy cow, I have no idea. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite tradition? Dressing up for Halloween, even though I don't do it anymore... Talent you’re proud of having? Writing. Favorite website from your childhood? Webkinz was unbeatable. I was obsessed. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Favorite potato food? French fries. Tell me the color of your eyes, without using the name of a color: Uhhhh a cloudy sky right before rain? Ever been through a goth phase? Goth is my fucking AESTHETIC. I wish I could afford a truly gothic wardrobe, because you bet your sweet ass it's all I'd wear out. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I think so? It was a Blueberry, I believe. Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? Obviously the Cheshire cat. What is your favorite type of YouTube video to watch? Lately, it's been tarantula and snake channels/pet YouTubers. I still think my overall favorites are let's plays, but right now it's just stepping back a bit. What’s the next project you are excited to start? I have this pretty cool drawing I wanna do of a morbid meerkat doing a big toothy smile, doing a peace sign (but his fingers are syringes) with a crown blinking over his head. Inspired by the "Professional Griefers" lyric of "lab rat king." I just really wanna make it perfect and am procrastinating in fear of failing... Have you ever experienced a miracle? I don't think I believe in miracles. What are your top three names you like for a daughter? Alessandra, Justine, and Chloe, to name a few. Which did you like better: high school or college? High school, at least in most ways. What is the theme of your bedroom? It doesn't have a theme. My interests just kinda threw up everywhere, haha. Have you ever lived in a dorm? No. Were you raised religious? Yes. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? I don't have to do taxes yet. What was the very first thing you ever saved up to buy with your own money? Venus was the first big thing, I think. Describe your favorite Christmas ornament: I don't know what that would be, honestly. We have so very many. What jobs did your parents have when you were growing up? Dad's always been a mailman, and he also had a second job as a carpenter for a while. Mom worked with special needs children at my elementary school as a teacher assistant. She also worked at the hospital at one point, doing some computer work. I don't remember her actual position. Are you taller than your mom? We're the same height. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Sure, that's not a big deal to me. Last reason you went to the ER? For myself, a suicide attempt/overdose. What was the last word document you typed? This survey, actually, so I could save progress as I combine them. What’s something you don’t think people take seriously enough? Global warming. Have you ever dated someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. Is there any drama currently going on with your family? No. What was the last fruit or vegetable you chopped/sliced up? An apple. I wanted apple slices with peanut butter. What is your favorite Hostess/Little Debbie snack? Holy SHIT that is impossible. Maybe the devil cakes, but I really don't know. I love most of them. Do you/your family buy loaf from the bakery or bagged on the shelf? Bagged. White, wheat or other? Mom buys white bread, but my favorite is pumpernickel. What was the last non-fiction book you’ve read? (Not a school textbook!): I ain't got a clue. I don't really read non-fiction. What color are your headphones/earbuds? These are blue. Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? Yep. Thankfully, I don't snore. Do you feel guilty about killing bugs? Yep. How do you feel about coconut? Not a fan. ^ Ever cracked one open? Ha, I've always wanted to. Who did you last worry about and why? My mom. She's getting a CT scan ASAP due to chronic headaches and stomach pain, so I'm worried her cancer might be re-emerging. When was the last time you ate/drank something gross just to be polite? I don't know; I struggle to do this. If I don't like something, my face shows it. I can't help it. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? Never. Do you have any framed black & white photos in your home? Who are they of? No. What’s the most expensive thing your car needed to get done? N/A If you had a thousand dollars to spend on a pricey brand you like but can’t really afford (until now of course), which ONE brand would you chose? I don't know. Real talk, I find most luxury brands to sell pretty ugly stuff... Do you like candy canes? Yeah. Do you still talk to any of your old teachers? Yes; one is my landlord. What color was the dress you wore to your senior prom? It was black. Ever go to another school’s prom? No. Do you like burning candles or incense? I love incense. Do you ever venture into the woods? What do you normally do in there? When I used to live in the woods, I did every now and then to take pictures. Does your significant other ever make you mix CDs? Single, but that would be so romantic. /swoons How did you dress your freshman year of high school? I was this emo/metalhead/goth creature. What is the best present you have ever received? My dog Teddy. <3 What is the best present you have ever given? I put the most effort into a scrapbook thing of well over a hundred reasons I loved my then-boyfriend Jason. Even though we're done, I honestly hope he still has it, just to remember. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Sara's parents paying for a flight up there to be with Sara for her birthday. Have you ever been robbed? No, thankfully. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? Definitely a nope. Ever give someone a wrong phone number on purpose? No. What’s the strangest thing you have ever witnessed firsthand? I have no idea. It's... very morbid, but possibly dogs twitching after being euthanized. Seeing Teddy do it was such a strange, painful experience. Like there was still life in there... even though I know it was just his nerves doing their final hoorah and he was already dead. Ever seen a psychiatric ward? I've been in a mental hospital five or six times, so I'm uncomfortably familiar with them. What is the last thing you did that you didn’t want to do? Group therapy. I'm really burning out on it. Thankfully, I don't have it on the weekends. What is the last thing you convinced someone else to do? I dunno. If you could live in a different time, would you? When? Nah. Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone else? Sleeping alone is more comfortably physically, but I usually prefer sleeping with a partner because there's this amazing feeling of safety, love, and companionship. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Do you prefer cold air and blankets, or warm air and no blankets? Cold air and blankets by ten miles. I can't sleep if I'm even remotely hot. How often do you dust? Sigh, not as much as I need to. What is the most "extreme" activity you have ever done? I haven't done very much that fits that description... so idk. Dr. Pepper or root beer? Dr. Pepper. I hate root beer. Last room you cleaned? Mine. Last thing you did that made you feel like an adult? Checked into the doctor's office by myself, haha... Talk about sad. What’s your favorite picture of your mom? Dad? It's not my business to actually share those pictures, but I can describe them. I fucking ADORE this candid photograph I took of my mom laughing; I will forever cherish it. It's morbid to think about, but it's absolutely a picture I'll frame of her once she's passed away. I don't have many pictures of Dad, but I do really like this picture we took together at Red Lobster once. Are you subscribed to anything (Magazines, monthly boxes, streaming sites, etc.)? Mom pays an Adobe Creative Cloud photography bundle subscription for me, but that's it. Last TV show series you finished? Fullmetal Alchemist with Sara. It was a rewatch for me, but she'd never seen it. What’s something exciting that’s happened to one of your friends recently? A childhood friend got engaged a few days back. Do you have any board games? If so, where do you keep them? We have a few somewhere. What were the last things you glued together? I don’t recall. What are your friends’ pets’ names? I'll just use Sara here since she's my best friend. She has two family dogs, Buster and Beesly, a cat named Winter, four ball pythons named Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, and Jane Marie, and Doris, a bearded dragon that I personally adore most. :') What all did you do today? I played World of Warcraft early this morning, but not for very long. I've been in a phase of being very uninterested in it lately. I've mostly just done surveys... lots of surveys. I'm just in the mood to. I've also been listening to music and watching John Wolfe play Amnesia: Rebirth periodically. If you live in a house, how many floors does it have? If you live in an apartment building, how many units does it have? It's just one floor. Would you like to live in a world with mythical creatures, even if they turned out to be evil or dangerous? Honestly... I probably would, haha. Are you scared of heights? Yes. When was the last time you lost something of great sentimental value? Did you ever end up finding it again? Never, I think and hope. What food do you find to be the most filling? Is this something you eat a lot of? Eggs or oatmeal. Not really. What do you think of people who purposefully train their dogs to fight or to be aggressive? They're fucking garbage human beings. If you suffer/have suffered with acne, do you squeeze your spots or do your best to just leave them be? Ugh, I was so bad (and still am if something pops up) about picking at it. Does your father have any hobbies? What are they? Sure. He loves sports, fishing, idk if he still plays video games, fantasy football... and I can't forget playing with his grandkids. It's hard for me to know all of them when I don't live with him and see him rarely. What did the last face mask you wore look like? It was just a white cotton one. Is there a specific song that you always request at parties? What is it? I don't go to parties. Would you rather read poetry or write poetry? Write it. Have you ever had any really infected injuries? I've had infected piercings as well as a badly infected pilonidal cyst. Is there any band out there that you like every song by them? No. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? Aaaaand now I'm hooked on "NIHIL" by 3TEETH. Are you currently texting anyone right now? No. When was the last time you played jump rope? Yikes, probably not since I was a kid. I used to love it. Who was the last person you offended? I dunno. What’s the earliest you’ve ever had to wake up for work? Not early. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I know trans people who have, yes. Do you know anyone who has been on life support and survived? No. At least, I don't believe so. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? They're divorced, and Mom at least can't stand him. Dad doesn't really care. Do you ever feel like you’re sharing too much about yourself online? Oh, I absolutely used to. I still might, idk. I've tried to reel it back some. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Eight, but they're just small, vertical rectangles stacked together, so it's not as revealing as it sounds. What was the last necklace you wore? My spiked choker, I think, for pictures. Or maybe the one I have with a bunch of big silver skulls. Do you think there are more dimensions than what we’re able to perceive? I don't think so, no. Does anyone in your family have schizophrenia? My half-sister on Dad's side that I've never met. Have you ever been in an abandoned house? A shack, yeah. Do you like art? I positively adore it. I could NOT imagine life without it. How about theatre? I don't care for it. Have you ever made breakfast for someone? Yes, for Sara. Do you talk to your crush? If you have one. Yeah, she's my best fren. If yes, what do you usually talk about? Nowadays I ask her almost daily how she's doing in regards to her progress of recovering from both serious physical and mental stressors. I try to always be an available ear if she ever wants to vent. Would you rather read or watch a video about something? Watch a video. In what ways have you fulfilled some of the hopes and dreams you had as a teenager? I've fulfilled none of those. What’s one stressful thing you’ve been trying to deal with lately? How have you been dealing with it? Inexplicable, chronic boredom/serious anhedonia. I've just... put up with it. I get pleasure out of essentially nothing most days, and it sucks big time. I just try to distract myself and force myself to do things I usually love, though I've been bad about actually succeeding in making me do said stuff... Is there a regional chain of store/restaurant/etc. in your area that you feel very loyal to? MOTHERFUCKIN BOJANGLE'S, BITCH. You think YOU have good fries somewhere? Oh hunny, sit down. Oftentimes, people warn us against getting tattoos or body modifications or dying our hair unnatural colors because we could be judged poorly for them. But has a more “alternative” look ever worked out in your favor? Well, I like myself better with my piercings and tattoos, and that's all that really matters to me. Do you have any daily routine/habit of that you’re really proud of keeping up? No. .-. Pick one of the following activities to do in a forest (assume you would be equally good at each one of these): Foraging for mushrooms, identifying trees, searching for specific types of bugs, trying to build something out of fallen branches and logs. Searching for bugs w/ my camera!!! But that all sounds fun. What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken? My most recent math course that I failed horribly.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''master of decay'' by 3teeth

[frasier-crane-style]

oKAY, I got a few Redbox rental for my birthday, so I decided to pick up Spider-Man: Far From Home, skip all the Disney Channel Original Movie stuff, and see how it stacks up as a pure Spider-Man movie. Which is not easy, because they’re in full Marvel movie mode, and every two minutes there’s a wacky aside or a sight gag or something. It’s not even Peter making jokes, which would be in-character. It’s just banter about Happy’s password being Password and stuff. There’s not one wholly dramatic scene in this movie, it has this Epic Movie sense of humor where something ‘hilarious’ is always defusing the tension. Like, all that’s missing is Leslie Nielsen being the tour guide.

1. Mexico. Mysterio has used ‘Sandman’ (confusingly referred to as a ‘cyclone with a face’--and then Spider-Man never even fights him) to destroy a town. I gotta say--if Mysterio has the ability to pull off no-bullshit terror attacks... yeah, the Sandman is fake, but the damage is real... why not just do that? It seems like there are a ton of evil organizations who would pay him loads of money.

2. Also, Mysterio is really not shy about lowering the dome and showing his face. Wouldn’t a quick facial recognition scan, of the kind that you’d think Nick Fury would run all the time, ID him as Quentin Beck? And even if he’s going “hey, that’s my double, I’m from an alternate universe,” shouldn’t Nick Fury be a bit suspicious that the double of this mysterious new superhero is a disgruntled and unstable Stark employee?

3. By the way, I know the twist is that Nick Fury is really a Skrull and that’s why he’s so incompetent--telling Peter to take his mask off in front of fucking Mysterio--but Nick Fury left a Skrull playing him, so... who’s that on? You’d think any given Agent of SHIELD would do better.

4. First action scene. Hydroman attacks Venice and is defeated by Mysterio, with Spider-Man slightly assisting. He’s left his costume back at the hotel, so he does this while using a Venetian mask to disguise himself. Hilariously, he quickly takes this off to, yes, show us his face. (Also, I guess no one notices that Not!Spider-Man is wearing the exact same clothes and has the exact same body type as Peter.) He also doesn’t make any quips besides referring to himself as “really strong and sticky.” Being awkward is not a one-liner, movie. 

5. Also, others have pointed out that this Spider-Man seems more concerned about saving property than saving lives, and it must be said that for much of this fight, Peter is trying to stop a belltower from collapsing, with no sign that he’s buying time for people to evacuate it or anything. Sure, it’s a worthy goal and all, but I have to ask how much good patching a belltower up with webbing is going to do? It’ll dissolve in an hour and then where are you? Does he really think the authorities will be able to fix it up before then? Seems like he would be better served letting it collapse and attacking Hydroman to keep him from doing more damage.

6. You ever notice how movie characters always refer to sleeping pills and such as ‘a mild sedative’? Naut Fury shoots Ned/Ganke with a dart that instantly knocks him out, then calls it “a mild tranquilizer.” Christ, what would a strong tranquilizer do, put him in a coma for ten years?

7. Man, it’s weird how inconsistent this movie is with basic characterization. Peter turns down saving the world because Spider-Man being seen in Europe might give away his identity, but he’s also blase about taking off his mask in front of Nick Fury and co. And Tom Holland walking around unmasked really makes it obvious that his suit is a CGI effect that his head is awkwardly hovering on top of. I guess just putting someone in a costume is a lost art.

And I’m not even watching this on Blu-Ray. This is a DVD, because Redbox is shit and, even though their e-mail said the promo code was good for a Blu-Ray, apparently I can only use it for a DVD. Thanks, thanks for ruining my special day. Prats.

8. I know the whole EDITH thing has been meta’d elsewhere, but I just want to point out that Stark Enterprises has a ‘global defense network’. With drones and backdoors into every telecommunications company. Imagine if Microsoft announced that, oh, hey, we have a Panzer division. I guess Stark Enterprises is a PMC now? I thought they went into clean energy. Apparently they still make weapons, but now they... hoard them to use for their own purposes? Not creepy at all. Like, Marvel does realize they are writing an evil megacorporation here, right?

9. Oh, now we’re just getting aggressively stupid. Peter is met by a SHIELD agent who insists that he strip to change into an alternate, non-Spider-Man suit (so I guess, after an action scene where he’s in civilian clothes, now we’re going to get one where he’s in this spy costume. Yeah, I hate seeing Spider-Man in a Spider-Man movie.) I’m not sure why he has to do this now instead of simply putting the suit in his backpack. I’m also not sure why he has to strip in front of her. He doesn’t even try to go somewhere private to change and she doesn’t say anything like “Why are you taking off your clothes in front of me like a retard? Go around the corner or something, fuckwit.” It’s all to set up a scene where Peter gets seen by his (sigh) rival for MJ’s heart, who takes a cell phone picture, leading us to... well, leading me to wonder why they couldn’t have put a little more thought into staging this scene so it was slightly believable? Like he could have trouble putting it on in private, the female agent could go to check on him, and Random Non-canon Character could stumble in on them that way. But anyway.

10. With literally insane ease, Peter designates Brad a target and EDITH launches a drone strike on him. For various ridiculous reasons, Peter can’t just say abort, so he eventually distracts EVERYONE by saying there are baby mountain goats, webs the drone while no one is looking, and--that works. No one notices.

Man, that’s some fucking weaksauce.

11. I’m fast-forwarding a bunch, but we seem to spend a lot of time on Peter trying to get his friends out of harm’s way for the upcoming fight scene in Prague, only for them to end up in harm’s way. For the second action sequence in a row. It seems like he could’ve succeeded and then just been trying to rescue normal civilians instead of people he knows personally, but then I guess we couldn’t have Ned and Betty/Gwen providing odious comic relief every other moment. Like, shit, Marvel, if you like dumb jokes so much, why don’t you just get Mike and the Bots to riff your movie? That’s pretty much what you’re doing anyway.

12. Peter’s new costume has no fingers on the gloves, so he’s leaving his prints everywhere. And then after the fight is over, the first thing he does is unmask and go out to get a drink with an also unmasked Mysterio in a crowded bar (hilariously, it literally turns out to be full of enemies who mean him harm). Jesus, movie, does he care about his secret identity or not? 

13. Also, again, no quips from Spider-Man. And I thought the watchword for this corner of the MCU was that he was a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Now he’s fighting giant monsters? Yeah, even if it’s a con job, it’s a con job that could potentially kill millions of people. Doesn’t that seem like absurdly high stakes, considering? Remember the first Spider-Man movie, when the only stakes at the climax were Peter saving a bus full of kids and MJ? Would that really have been better if there’d been another five million buses the Green Goblin was threatening to drop?

14. We’re doing the whole “does Peter want to be Spider-Man or not?” story again. It’s weird how markedly inferior this take on that is to Spider-Man 2. This Spider-Man has a whole spy network and AI satellites backing him up (which doesn’t stop him from remarking that Mysterio is “the only one he can talk to about superhero stuff,” as if fifty people don’t know who he is). Maguire’s Spider-Man’s life was genuinely shitty because of his superheroing; he couldn’t be with the woman he loved! This Spider-Man... can’t mack on the girl that he inexplicably has a crush on out of nowhere. Not exactly the stuff of great drama.

15. Pause to point out what a naked plot device Tony giving Peter EDITH is. He couldn’t give it to Pepper? Rhodey? Steve? Like... anyone who’s more emotionally mature and experienced? It’s just a ridiculous conceit. Supervillains literally target Peter specifically because he possesses EDITH. Way to put the crosshairs on a sixteen-year-old boy, Tony ‘Depraved Indifference’ Stark.

16. “To my very wealthy crew!” Okay, so I guess Beck isn’t just doing this for the satisfaction of being a fake superhero, he sees this as enriching him and his henchmen somehow? How? It’s not like Captain America or Scarlet Witch are fabulously wealthy. I could see Stark as paying for their room and board and giving them an expense account, but that doesn’t seem worth going to the trouble of this whole Mysterio business for. Like I said, once you have the power to pull off fake/not-fake terror attacks, that’s a golden ticket already. Why couldn’t he do shit like Le Chiffre was doing in Casino Royale, playing the stock market with his fake catastrophes? 

16a. And okay, so you say the whole Mysterio thing was just to con EDITH off of Peter. If they’re already able to pull off these terror attacks, how much more can EDITH do for them? It’s like, you already have essentially unlimited resources as far as the story’s concerned--why do you need EVEN MORE unlimited resources?

16b. And is Mysterio going to be a real superhero or fake? Like, is he potentially going to fight Thanos or someone? Because if he is, the whole Elemental thing seems like an unnecessary risk. Just find some HYDRA guys, go to town on them, bang, you’re a superhero. And if you’re going to be a fake Avenger--well, what do you do when Thanos shows up? Call in sick?

17. So in his new, definitely Miles Morales suit, Peter has the ability to send out a destructive electric charge. A venom blast. He has a venom blast. Man, they’re not even trying to hide that this is white Miles Morales, are they? 

18. To damn with faint praise, I thought the drone swarm was a good ‘real-world’ explanation of Mysterio’s power set and the ‘nightmare’ sequence was a good use of them, although it’s just the usual hallucinatory imagery you’d expect from someone with an illusion gimmick, not something as groundbreaking as the Raimi movies offered. Coincidentally, this is also the one action sequence in the movie where Peter’s in his classic costume, and that’s only an illusion Mysterio puts over his dumb Night Monkey suit. 

I also think Peter being able to survive being hit by a train more or less uninjured--he just needs a few stitches!--is a bit much, but then, that happened in Spider-Man 2.5 as well. And there they made a big deal of Peter and Ock trying to avoid getting hit by trains, so arguably that was more egregious. 

And it’s weird to have such a self-aware, genre-savvy villain just assume Peter is dead. It seems like he could’ve at least sent someone to the next station to confirm his death, or even had someone waiting there, if his plan all along was to hit Peter with a train. (Also, I’m pretty sure train conductors stop the train when they hit someone, but maybe that’s only an American thing.)

19. By the end, Mysterio decides to drop the whole illusion thing to frame Spider-Man for the drones (Peter’s friends are also put in danger yet again. Three times in one movie! That’s basically every action sequence that really happens!). I’d think disorienting people with invisible drones would be an advantage you wouldn’t want to just get rid of, but he’s the supervillain, not me. Noticeably, this plan hinges on him dying and posthumously ruining Spider-Man’s life, so...

20. Also, I complained about this with Captain Marvel, but if you’re doing a two-hour movie with a supposed character arc for Peter, shouldn’t that have something to do with him winning? He pretty much only wins because the power of spider-sense which he arbitrarily received arbitrarily works for him after arbitrarily not working for a while... and if this is some kind of confidence-powered superpowers, I should note that Spider-Man 2 already did Peter losing his powers because of losing confidence and it depicted him getting them back much more effectively. This Peter I guess only needs a pep talk from Happy Hogan.

21. I mean, couldn’t they bullshit something about hacking EDITH--you know, Peter using his wits since that’s what supposedly makes him ‘the next Iron Man’--maybe turning the tables on Mysterio with a con job of his own, instead of just winning because he happens to have an illusion-proof superpower on top of a billion-dollar supersuit and a literal global defense network? Spider-Man has a global defense network, y’all. How can you lambaste Man of Steel for making Superman dark and broody and then think Iron Man Peter Parker is a good take on the character? Geez.

#spider-man

[freerabbitmanandpig]

My Friend With Parkinson’s

On Oct 1st of this year I was given compassionate release from Allenwood USP for (what was diagnosed as) an unspecified connective tissue disorder. I had served roughly 60 months of a 70 month sentence. To secure this extraordinary release my lawyer had sited the new emergency COVID increased risk criteria, pointing to my status of being prescribed immunosuppressants, as well as suffering from lifelong asthma. Being as that I’d been housed in a care-level 3 medical facility, most of my time had been spent around inmates with chronic conditions, many of them without a chance of making it home within the course of their natural lives. Conscious of the fact that many of these men lacked the financial resources available to my family, especially as the pandemic has left many people in the street without regular employment, I made promises to some of these men to attempt to get their stories out into the world.

Christian Tarantino (Reg. # 14684-050) is a middle-aged man that I met while in Allenwood. A gambler with a good sense of humor, who was generous with his friends and, while in the street, lethal to those who stood in his way. According to the FBI, back in the early 90s Chris was part of a crew that committed a number of armed robberies. In 2011 he was sentenced to three consecutive life-terms for the murder of a guard during an armored car robbery back in 1994, as well as the murder of one of the participants whom he feared would flip on him.

Criminals, conscious of their own status, tend to withhold judgement, and I’d be lying if the description of Chris as a “cold killer”, spoken to me with admiration by more than a few inmates, did not inspire this same admiration in me upon hearing the stories of his exploits. To be clear, I never personally heard Chris tell any stories about his case, or murder in general; the stories he did tell me were often funny ones about the club scene in NY, or his dog. The problem was that, when Chris spoke, I often had to strain to hear him. Still, the Parkinson’s had made him patient over the years, and he did not get frustrated when a person had to ask him to repeat himself, sometimes multiple times. No matter how long it took for him to finish the story, it was worth it to hear it all the way through – as I said, he was funny.

Chris and I had started talking more about his disease a month before my release, after having heard that the Marshall Project had published a short story of mine the year before. The problem, he’d told me one morning, was that a 15-minute analysis with the MD did not take in to account the fact that his PD fluctuated in intensity throughout the course of a given day. Even if you’re classified as a care level 3, you generally only get to see the facility’s MD once a year, with all subsequent outside appointments and medication adjustments being managed by your assigned PA. The key to adequate treatment lies then in the temperament of your PA. My PA was considered the best on the compound and was likely instrumental in getting me the workups and appointments I needed to secure my compassionate release. Chris’ PA was largely considered the worst on the compound (one of two), a bitter woman who often had to be compelled into action via administrative remedies, which Chris was inevitably forced to file. If he came to a sick-call and was not actively in the throes of intense contortions (which he sometimes referred to as ‘crazy legs’) then he was often disregarded. Chris and his PA were prone to devolve into shouting matches, nor was this a problem that she had only with him. Even when he wasn’t engaged in fighting the crazy legs, he was mostly still confined to his wheelchair. There were, on occasion, times when he felt in control of his legs enough to walk, albeit while holding on to another inmate’s shoulders. There was no shortage of willing shoulders, as inmates of all races would step up to ferry him, either to the computer room – where they would inevitable have to help him type his emails, or to the shower – where no handicap accommodations existed. This last omission struck many of us as particularly negligent, considering the yard’s care level. Another problem was the speech impediment. I’d often heard him ask, rhetorically, how it was that sounding like “a retard” when he spoke was not a clear enough indicator of the severity of his condition, regardless of the tremors. Of course ‘retard’ is not really the best adjective for any modern condition, but the point was still valid that, when he spoke, he sounded like a person recovering from a massive stroke – only he wasn’t recovering, Parkinson’s is a degenerative illness.

          The prison had no choice but to provide him with follow-ups to the local neurologist after a highly invasive surgery, known as ‘deep brain stimulation’, in which a device, a ‘neurostimulator’, was implanted into his brain. This local doctor told Chris flat-out that he was incapable of treating him at this stage in his illness, nor is the facility capable of recalibrating his implant.

         At night, a small group of us would walk to pill line to get our evening medications. I got Elavil and Gabba Pentin – the former for my interstitial cystitis, and the Gabba Pentin for more generalized pain. Chris, on the other hand, got a bunch of different pills, each with an Old Testament-sized list of potential side effects. To add insult to injury, the medical staff crushed most of his medications, as though this middle-aged man in a plastic, yellow wheelchair, barely able to get the cup of powder into his mouth, would somehow be able – or even willing, to cheek these many pills so that he could smuggle them back to the unit and…. What? For anyone curious enough to look, Federal Penitentiaries are full to the point of bursting with real narcotics. Who the fuck wants to sniff twenty different PD meds?

         During these evening walks (some of our only time outside of the unit since the pandemic started) the subject of my pending motion came up on a regular basis. It was news, if nothing else. As for Chris, PD does not put him at an increased risk for COVID complications, and although I’d heard him, on occasion, tentatively breech the subject of outright compassionate release, his main request to me was that I put his story up, in the hope that perhaps someone else from the outside would get involved and get him moved to a medical facility. At least then he wouldn’t have to worry about falling down in the shower and bearing the indignity of calling for help, alone and naked on a wet floor that’s covered with other men’s piss and body hair. Before I was released, I wrote one final staff request for him to the medical coordinator attempting to get him transferred to a care-level 4 facility. This was not his first attempt to obtain such a transfer, and, for the purposes of the request, Chris provided me with a list of names of staff members who had seen him fall down, or else had helped him get back to his cell after an accident. It was a long list.

         For a man who devoted a large part of his life to fitness, it’s a hard pill to swallow. In my mind I am stuck wondering what three consecutive life sentences (or a thousand for that matter) really means for someone like Chris, who’s own body has become a prison. In a sense I have an idea – back in 2017, my uncle Steven Parr – a successful and well known archivist in San Francisco, was diagnosed first with Parkinson’s, which was later amended to a diagnoses of Lewy-Body syndrome – a disease that bears similarities to PD. His initial suicide attempt was precluded by his manager, Adam, who was on the phone with my mother at the time. His second attempt, however, was successful. To me, though, the most poignant encapsulation of Chris’s attitude was made apparent when I was pushing him to the showers one morning. He’d removed his shirt before getting back in his chair, and I was struck by his apparent muscle tone and total lack of body fat, despite his sedentary lifestyle,

“Damn Chris, you’re in a wheelchair and still in better shape than half these dudes in here.”

“Yea..” he spoke slowly – struggling to force his tongue to conform to the consonants, “..this is the worst thing god could’ve done to me.”

         In a way it was cruel how the progress in my appeal seemed to engender a sense of hope in some of the other care level 3’s working fervently, without the aid of outside capital or competent legal help, to obtain their own releases before the virus made it’s way to the yard. By Oct 1st the USP at the Allenwood Correctional Complex had 7 cases, all of them quarantined in the shu after having arrived on a plane, and then a bus, with who-knows how many others potentially infected. They’d already shut the medium back down as, despite their ‘best’ efforts at screening all arrivals, 15 cases had popped up in general population. As I already stated above, the administration fought me every step of the way – even after the motion had been granted and I was only awaiting the end of my obligatory 2 week quarantine, the staff refused to allow me to call my family, my lawyer, or even probation, so that I could arrange for transport. I didn’t know whether I’d be going straight home or to a program until the last minute. I could see it in their faces every time they brought me legal mail or were forced to set up my screening for the drug program that I’m in now – they didn’t think I deserved it. Like they had only just found out via the granting of my motion that they presided over an unequal system. I got 8 months back – goodtime I’d lost, along with years-worth of visits and phone calls - “privileges” they justified in taking almost exclusively over dirty urines, and for what? Suboxone. At my final workup the MD confided in me that, prior to the pandemic, they’d been told by the region to start preparations for the MAT program (medication assisted treatment) and to apply for the DEA approval to begin prescribing both suboxone and vivitrol. Unfortunately, these proceedings had to be halted to focus their energies on the then emerging public health crisis. Maybe it’s my prejudices, but itt seemed to me that these people took it personally – as though those reclaimed 8 months had come directly off the end of their own lifespans.

#jail #mass incarceration #parkinsonsdisease #social justice #criminal justice

[danielyrosner]

Fanfic - Neil's Chains - Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - A light at the end of the tunnel

December 25 , 1993

 Today do four years I made the great idiocy love me and believe r this same person and the same idiocy began to live in prison in addition to being tortured.

 They haven't come to do anything for five months now , I hope they died.

~ • ~

 "Neil's dinner time!" Jefford appears at the door to the room.

 "So you have this alive? What a pity, "Neil murmurs.

 "Glad you this , relaxed and healed" Jefford says "When he was born everything will start" .

 "When who's born?" Neil asks him .

 " Aaaahh is a surprise for Neilzinho !" He makes fun of Neil by putting his hands on his knees "Now see if you drink this so you don't become a mummy" He speaks firmly to the vampire, turns around and slams out the door.

~ • ~

 Unfortunately these bastards are still alive but ... who's going to be born? As far as I know , Cassandra cannot have children unless that cow has lied about it too . I want them to fuck.

 So as today is Christmas: Merry Christmas to you retarded, if you leave this place remember e- NEVER BE IN LOVE.

.

01 Janeiro of 1994

 Today, in 4 years, I was betrayed by the love of my life and , as always , Jefford came to bring my blood . D this time I got the courage to ask.

~ • ~

 "So , how's the viper? Since I don't see her here anymore and I don't even smell her. "Neil asks him leaning on the bars and with his arms between them.

 "The ' viper ' is MY WIFE so , be very careful with what you say" Jefford threatens him "She is bedridden, pregnancy is risky besides she is totally debilitated" he hands the glass with blood to N eil "And you can be very good because of the child "he rubs his head" I told her that the child can kill her "

 " I hope you die" Neil speaks with a smile from the corner of his mouth as he drinks the blood "But she couldn't have children?"

 "No, she could not, ma s now she can" Jefford touches the stop and crosses his arms "And I want you to know that it was you who managed to cure -la" He turns and leaves closing the door.

~ • ~

 How I managed to heal her I don't know, but I'm afraid they won't let me go anytime soon or , who knows , I'll only have my freedom when I die.

.

 January 15 , 1994

 Jefford said he has a surprise for me and I am really concerned about that . What was he up to? I know that Cassandra will not be able to do anything, because she is indisposed by the pregnancy and, with each passing day, she is weaker.

~ • ~

 "Neilll" Jefford opens the door "This anxious for his surprise?" It the look in the eye by turning the key on his finger" Believe you will love to live out of that pigsty, m a s before you have to take it , " Neil crooked looks "You know very well we can do it the hard way if we do not take" he gives you a smile "you know very well that I love the hard way" it gives the vampire one cup with blood, baptized with mandrake root he drinks .

 He is groggy and Jeff takes the chains; attach the handcuffs to Neil's arms, legs and neck .

 Jefford takes him to the kitchen pantry and opens a door that leads to an underground corridor. At the end of it, there was a wooden door that Je fford opens . They enter a dirty room with a bed , dressers and some papers.

 "What is it?" Neil asks him .

 "Your new room. Cassandra thought it better for you to stay here than in that cell, it could leave a bad impression, child" He replies.

 "Child, CHILD" Neil loses control "This child is not your child, why don't you call him a child? Would it be so weird for you to accept that? Then vampires are the monsters " .

 Jefford starts saying "That thing ..." He stops and sighs "I think it's time for you two to talk" Then he replies .

 "With who? Cassandra? I don't want to, I'd rather be tortured again than see you "Neil warns Jefford .

 Jefford takes him by the scruff and whispers threateningly in his ear "About the 'torture' that is our research, don't worry that she will come back, but as for having to see Cassandra , you are obliged" he pushes Ne il back through the door and pulls him to the room where Cassandra was.

 Jefford opens the door and she was on the balcony sitting on a chair with a blanket running her hand over her already grown belly, upon hearing the sound of the door and footsteps she looks back and smiles.

 "Neil, it's been so good to see you" Cassandra speaks with a smile.

 Neil stands in the middle of the room and watches as Jefford helps her to her feet. He looked like he was malnourished ; you could see the mark of her bones by the parts of her body that were bare, her skin was white as paper and she needed help to get around.

 Neil gathers all the strength and starts saying "Congratulations to the couple! Your big dream is coming true Cassandra!" he looks her up and down "maybe pregnancy doesn't suit you, since you 're so debilitated" he says with disdain.

 Jefford looks at him "This thing is not my son! And , if it depended on me, Cassandra did not carry "It howls for Neil.

 "If this 'thing' is not your son, who else would it be ?" Neil questions .

 "He's ... He's YOUR CHILD Neil" Cassandra answers him with some difficulty.

 Neil was incredulous "It is not possible because , technically , I am dead and that makes me unable to have children"

 "But it 's true" she shakes hands with Jefford and puts her hand on her stomach "Dear, I need to sit down ... Could you take my pills ? "

 "Sure love" Je fford responds by sitting down and giving a kiss on his forehead and leaves the room.

 "I know it's hard to believe, but on one of our exams with you for research ..." Cassandra starts.

 "Exams? Search? Torture you mean" Neil corrects you.

 "Neil" she inspires "With our research , we found that you can cure some diseases , " she looks at her stomach and caresses "Including how to cure a woman half" she looks with l will tears in his eyes.

 "Half woman?" he asks .

 "There are women who can not have children, or they can start generating them ma s unsecured them , " she replies , "Ma s Neil, that's not all , " she firmly faces "We found that you may have descended to about a year and when you tried to run away again we decided you wouldn't do it anymore " .

 "As well? Did you find out? This is one of our greatest secrets" He to face with hatred in his eyes .

 "If you already know, you should know ... what this happening to me?" She questions him .

 "If this child is actually the son of a vampire as you claim, el and is draining you, you are drinking every drop of his blood and when the time of birth arrive you will die!" He happily confesses.

 "If she dies, her son dies!" Jefford comes back with medicine and a silver dagger "What do you need to be sure is your child?" Jefford puts the dagger around his neck.

 "I have felt it , " he looks at J efford .

 "You need the qu is ?" he questions it .

 "Media vampires can communicate with their parents, then, only then shall I know" He answers J efford.

 "Okay, you can play!" Cassandra screams at both of them.

 Neil approaches, puts his hand on Cassandra's belly and closes his eyes . And ntão smiles and begins to cry , "I love you too my love , " he says putting his head on the belly of Cassandra "Do not Worry ... The Daddy will protect you, I promise!" Neil looks up, and sees the question "What do you want to do nothing with that el and ?" .

~ • ~

 And that was how I found out how I was going to become a father, what they were talking about and that they were going to do anything to keep me stuck here . The gora the only thing I think is that they can not hurt my child, am I pretty daughters the ...

#Fanfic #Moonlight Lovers #Neil

[just-too-in-love]

1,460 days

4 years ago today I decided I was deeply depressed.

They called me "retarded" on a foolish app and said to keep my mouth shut. It showed up in my photo album today, and God damnit it hurt just as bad as it did back in 2015.

People are cruel, and heartless. All of them.

Even me.

And it's been 4 years but I obviously have not gotten better.

Considering I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack and dreamt I took a handful of pills last night-

Leading to my final death.

I've been told depression isn't pretty,

So I guess I've been ugly for years.

And God damnit will someone just tell me...

When will I be beautiful again?

- just-too-in-love

[falconsandfishes]

platonic relationship

i have a bone to pick with plato. see the socratic method is basically the scene in montynpython in which a woman is weighed against a peice of wood to determine if she is a witch. and this is pretty much also the measurement system women use for me judge a cardio junkie by his ability to withstand smoke fumes. ive been up all night listening to eminem because i wish that i had the mysogny that he had because logically i should be mad at these females who lie to me but apparently developmentally theyre limited. 

so pretty much i just want my neck not to hurt and my side and platonic love isn really the kind which could support my lumbar spine but if you think im angry you are right and maybe if i rhyme my brain will work this time and ill finally be able to explain was never targeted at my objects of affections at all i like to walk around the mall see a cutie with a skirt on and she sees me looking at her tells her grandmother to leave her there because this place looks fun as she smiles at me there comes abu my friend who judges me and judges you and as i stare at her i can tell she wants me too probably more emotionally mature than my mom and a virgin with her skirt on and its workun but i have the confidence of a plastic bag floating in the wind shes cheesing while i hide behind her even though shes 4 11 and im 6 4 and because he was there i didnt pass because i dont cross paths but even thinking about having a girlfriend makes him mad. if shes too young for me i would have figured that out but it doesnt help that no matter how young or how old even the weather lady im told shes not right for me so will you make up your mind please can someone define maturity because apparently there is a reverse correlation between it and age and socrates was no sage im not really impressed that he drank poison similarly i smoke weed which takes me back to age three and birthday parties then i think about how much my life failed but only because everyone always stood in front of me. so snitch on me when i talk to you when youre in front of me at your desk and say your story about butterflies is the best begging middle and end. meawhile i havent even gotten to the first page of my legend of the sword it had a much more compliated plot which was cut off. then tell me i didnt count to tenthousand while you were listening to the teacher say the is spelled t h e and put me in a remedial reading class with a bunch of girls and address us as the girls so we can read books about a mouse who lives with his family in a house but if girls and boys are the same how can you explain i was the only one in that group to be bumped up to the advanced on by 2nd grade. i guess reading the encylopedia of animals wasnt a wase memorized their latin names bufo sativa phylobates. so by third grade i was getting so good at math that they took me out of class and had me testing material meant for 5th graders and it was really lame how can i explain all the flaws in the system to all the other people who were also ruined by it.

finally one girl who was definitely old enough for me waved at me when i looked at her and i got a boner and walked over to the ladies at the tea shop who looked at me with a disgusted look on their faces then some gangster looking dude older than i am replaces me with his hand on her shoulder.

before i was 18 i could beat up my dad and ever since then i knew not many people in my generation had much of a chance against me but i looked so thin they were not understanding. high iq causing depression have anothe smoke session even though you have athsma everyone remember to complain that i prefer to get high off one big hit i stayed in high school till i graduated but i left.

unfortunately with brain damage i could still make straight as which made me think i was ok gpa jumping above 3.68 when i only show up an agerage of 3 days.

practice your sky hook do your pushups get embaressed when an asian princess sees you do them 20 hanlaps perfect form and im not even a jock wow id better stop. next thing the girl i like is sitting on my lap in class telling me she likes me back shes sitting on my desk shes rubbing my face my life isnt gay justnsaynsomehing and youll get laid.

nah ill let some kid with adhd steal her seat and ill help him with math instead because i didnt tell her this but im alread braindead. my soul probably died with my pet lizard or my kitten perhaps it was internet addiction. 

what makes you think youll be make it as a porn star? you know im hot. well maybe i just didnt want you to act like a slut. i still remember the blonde who waves at me and smiled my freshman year it was clear that the world was my oyster the only problem was i couldn make my own choices.

i wanted to be an actor but i was so good at acting nobody got it. was so good at debating everyone liked to argue. was so succinct couldnt get the last word. so fast nobody would pass me the ball so dominant in wrestling i had to pretend i couldnt win just to have a friend.

pretty much i feel like the last cro magonon stuck on an island without charlotte saisselin bounce baby bounce three story house you look so cute in a blouse. hey look theres charlottes stalker i think il wave my arms around.

bounce baby is a reference to eigth grade i was watching a 100 meter race and then some black guy said that she never raced again. weed turned her from a goth into a wigger and after that i figured id become one too but it wasnt till 2009 i started to dress like you. what happened was i got some clothes from olympia sports to wear as warmups on the basketball court and to work as a salesman i shaved my head smiled knowing i was dead but still i couldnt even say i wanted to kiss  girl without that not being cool enough for my nephew and her bowl broke too

it fell from her car on the pavement and she said that he didnt even get to hit it.

so now im living in my dads room on the floor and finally my back isnt sore i have a well paying job im away from mom i have iron lungs and dad still doesnt approve because now i play too much basketball.

hi im interested in going to california. i meant connecticut but califonia will do since its warm there. sure steve come on out west but read the fine print your 20s are dead.

prove you wrong shame on me. dont prove you wrong brag proudly. stay out west and let your dad die. watch him act like an asshole at home back east one more time. your reward for having surived on the street for years as a middle clas kid

your friend says he thought you were dead. by the way he has this girlfriend in connectiut. oh you were the one who set him up with her? theres a whole website or three centered around her? 

better get you to spend your money on heroin and make you seem like a jerk in front of my dad. my excuse is im skitzophrenic.

all because my dad shamed me for growing up even crazier than him. thats why i called up my friend and asked him to date my girlfriend. 

there must have been something in those amphetamines which made me keep stopping at her house. i found them up on the shelf years after i tried to spill them out.

it was the first time an adult had ever called me immature. he also said my handwriting was bad and i needed a cure. talking to him i began to get red where even to begin? i have a lot of prblems at home and this isnt fair. see my dad camps in the yard and gets drunk watches us through windows andmy sister punches me in the head. mom pretty much works till shes in bed.

every day she watches the same soap opera and oprah which i record for her on tape. my sisters friends call me gay so i go over and play with the kids from the other neighorhood all day. 

one of them listens to a lot of eminem. his favorite song is if you dont like it you can suck my dick. hes in reform school and proud to be off his meds. when i talk about biking down a steep hill and blending into traffic he thinks i meannliterall blend in.

two gay twin brothers end of the road honor roll kids. play baseball and have alcoholic parents. hey ill tell the girl steve likes he likes her then she will never talk to him again. accept his chalenge to a fight and he will bang my head into a tree which is the same thing i did to another kid who tried to jump me but got sperated from his friends. 

refuse to dance with the only girl in middle school who has hips. make fun of the girls intelligence who sits next to you in math and has giant tits. refuse to eat candy off the first girls tounge then your science teacher who pushed pills on you flips on the tv its 911

stare at a girl all day and say you dont like her. girls think youre gay if you have a boner. telll me a calculator doesnt mattrer for a test but i do worse without one. make a flag pencil it isnt cool enough for the other kids.

sit with the retarded kids timmy and jimmy. watch nick all night fresh prince and bill cosby.

your sister wont stop torturing you so hold her at knife point. buy knives at school try to resell them and for the first time ever the kids you sold them to ge caught witth knives.

stay in the program with three teachers who gave up on you. one leaves to become a dean suddenly your grades go up. kids are jealous because you dont do homework. girls smile at you knowing that your test scores are high despite that.

throw shotput as far as a high school kid without any exercise or practice. run around the track dozens of times in pants you still arent good enough yet.

go to an alternative program reluctantly in high school its sort of like jail. everyone smells like cigarettes the air is stale. this isnt good for you but we will make you think if you leave you will fail.

[logisticalandrewthinks-blog]

only took 2 days, but at least its minor this time

so like i thought i would i self harmed again idk its just really nice to just i guess unleash painand have control on some part of my life, like i can control this, i can control how much it hurts, i can control if im going to do it. i cant control the aftereffects or anything i guess, but idk it feels really good

i just hate everyone i hate everything, i hate all my friends even tho i know its a lie that i hate them, i hate that i know that everything is working rationally in the world and i am going insane with each passing day, i hate that i cant do anything it feels like, i hate that i am the way i am, i hate how attention seeking i am, i hate how unfunny i am, i hate how boring i am, i hate that im just a garbage human being. ive lied to people for no reason even when the truth wouldnt change anything, i dont know what is wrong with me, i just really want to rip my skin off and be somebody else, i have no reason to live like this, its not even who i am, i dont even know who my friends are. i have like 3 or 4 that i could even talk about with this shit. i guess. like hung i could talk i think to him about it and he’d be very listening and understandingand empathetic, conor is probably the most rational person in terms of how he sees situations from the outside and id trust and value his opinion heavily even if theres some things socially that might not align with how i would do things. then theres kass i guess, i trust that she’ll give it to me straight as well, she wont sugarcoat some bullshit to me and tell me itll all be ok, esp when shes gone through low points enough to at least hopefully empathise. and then chrystal, is probably the person who i value the most for emotional help, she is very good with reflective language and asking how did x make you feel, and just asking generally questions and giving her opinion on things

i just dont know if i could talk to anyone about these issues tho, if it were something else like oh uni failure i could, but its about all my friendships and who i consider close, the people id be most willing to tell is chrystal cause she is isolated (in a good way) from everyone else of my friends, even tho shes one of my closest friends, and kass for the same reason.for hung he knows the people in my irl friend groups and conor knows the online groups i dont ever want anything even possibly tainting that pool.i just wish ahhh it burns

the pain is good tho, it reminds me im here, im alive, i should treasure the fact i can feel pain, some people dont even have that. luxury i guess. its just really painful wow im even tearing up while typing, this almost never happens haha. i just wish i wasnt the way i am, i just wish i was secure in myself and i wish that everything was different. so many people are like to the question if they’d redo their life if given the choice they answer “oh but it wouldnt be me then” but id take it i think, i dont want to be me, or at this current moment in time, i would take that pill and take the metaphorical suicide of erasing myself to give myself another chance i guess. So much of my life is just not good. wow look at me 22 still being a little emo fucking retard on my own tumblr diary, look at how pathetic you still are. nothings changed since 5 years ago has it, youre still the same little fucking spastic at heart. it just doesnt matter what the fuck you do you just cant be happy, i dont even know what is wrong with you except everything, throw out everything.

why am i even so sad, idk i literally thought spiralled off the thought that my friends online do things without me, like how retarded is that, look at how pathetic and illogical that is, its literally so fucking pathetic.look at you, such a sad fuck growing attached to people, when in a little while, a blip, none of these people will even remember you, people when they think of andrew will think of a generic asian kid who is just pathetically clinging on to the group as if he belongs when he never did. you never belonged but you barged in and pretended you did. none of these people actually think of you that much, some said they think of you but idk what are you supposed to say in their positions, “lol dont think of you much be be alright bud” of course theyd reply that way, theres literally no reason not to, it doesnt cost anything and only benefits/covers your self later down the line. i ahataehtahetahthatehesathatehaethathaethahtawehtahatehteahtea.i hate everything in the world i hate that i am alive i hate that i have thoughts. but im afraid. of everything as well. what if y=im not even mentally ill, what if im just fucking pretending to myself to try and make it real but im normal but i couldnt fucking make it in the real world, so i just fucking hard coping mechanismed myself into thinking im mentally fucked. i dont even have any mental illness specifically diagnosed, im just a retard whos self harming for attention arent i, i dont even know why, logically itd follow hey if youre mentally sound you wouldnt be doing any of these things, but by that logic if i was mentally sound i would have succeeded earlier in my life. but instaed look at yourself andrew, its actually such a sight the state of yourself, you just are so fucking uselss,

im afraid though, that one day ill actually kill myself, still i dont have that courage, but the me of now is scared that i will one day have the courage to do it. its not as unlikely as people might think, how razor thin the lines are it feels like. fgpksg  agsóí-b9ueqb-]twqcug9vti hcfljbhklnjhhjgchfvjnvgc h gjhknlkjkgc jkvbjbcv

 HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR 

idk maybeill go hospital ina  few days or osmething, i have an exam in 2 so maybe after that exam ill go just to check up on the wound i guess.see how it develops i guess first.

[massivevoidpainter]

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buy Xanax 2mg online buy Xanax 2mg online Contact US now for a good deal using any of the info below: Email: [email protected] Wickr Id: zerolakechem2021 Whatsapp: +[phone]     Reason for using: tension, anxiety. Side Effects: I would only take this for an acute fright attack. Not for normal use. I had some barrel pains and sensed a little too euphoric on this. Probably the most addictive benzo, whereas conspicuously it assists some. I endeavored Paxil and considered I was going to die. This pharmaceutical is like having a Glass and a half of wine, but lasts longer and doesn’t make you drunk. Just takes the for example off. It calms me down throughout a fright strike, but only if I let it. In other phrases, furthermore try to rest and understand that the meds will boot in. I freaking despise fright attacks, I’d rather misplace 3 appendages or have alimp for remainder of my life other than have a PA. Word to the wise. I you only bear disquiet and fright, don’t let your doc put you on a lecapro, pacil, zoloft, etc. without first endeavoring xanax for a month to glimpse if it can take the for example off and then throughout that time search therapy and natural means. Yeah this stuff is addicting, but have you read what the ssri withdrawals are like…living hell. Especially for a panic/anxiety individual who will concern certainly about the withdrawals and side effects (LIKE ME) Reason for using: anxiety.Side Effects: Sleepyness, yawning and the feeling that it was going to ware off. Not to mention it strike me to very quick and all i liked to do was sit. It was rather retarding. Unlike diazepam (valium) Xanax didn’t do it for me and Xanax furthermore provided me a gentle case of the gentle munchies the first time it booted in.In my attitude, Xanax is better as a dozing pill. Valium is better for disquiet than Xanax. Xanax was just to… I don’t understand, but I didn’t proceed out and get a job or converse to persons that much when I was on it. I was still suspending round the house. So after endeavouring it and not being persuaded I went back to valium. buy Xanax 2mg online Contact US now for a good deal using any of the info below: Email: [email protected] Wickr Id: zerolakechem2021 Whatsapp: +[phone] Reason for using: Anxiety,Panic Attacks,& Agoraphobia.Side Effects: NoneXanax has been a life hoarder for me. When I was first identified with fright attacks, I didn’t depart my dwelling for nearly 3 months. I couldn’t handle it. The medical practitioner put me on Zoloft and Xanax. The Zoloft really initiated more difficulties, so I halted taking it. I have been on Xanax for about 4 years now at .25 mg. I only take it when I need it and I may proceed months without a fright strike and not have to take it. But when I get actually worried out I may take 3-4 a day. I utilised to concern about the addictiveness, but have had no problems. Without Xanax, I don;t understand what I would have done. I’ve eventually figured out that I’m not going to pass away from the attacks (took a while to number that out), so they arrive less and less. I still have to take it if I proceed to a live performance or any place there’s going to be a large gathering of people. But atleast I can proceed to those locations rather than of concealing out at home. It’s a large help if utilised correctly. buy Xanax 2mg online Reason for using: Anxiety and trama over lawsuit.Side Effects: A little drowsy at times but furthermore expanded power, better aim, expanded appetite, beatings contradictory thoughts, decent doze aidAbsolute marvel pharmaceutical for me. I take .25mg (white pill) 4 – 5 times a day and before sleep. Clonopin and anti-depressants did not work for me and made awful side effects. I could stay on Xanax remainder of my life and be fine with it – likely would elongate my life – it wholeheartedly turns off the stressors in my body – yes I still concern – but without the awful personal symptoms affiliated with tension and anxiety. buy Xanax 2mg online Read the full article

[keepcopinghoe]

18/07

1. i know it’s not immediately relevant to today but me and yelena met up on sunday (the night that england played in the finals) and walked around kingston. it was fun because of the rain, we had trouble trying to find somewhere to sit. we walked around a bit and sat under various shelter outdoors throughout kingston, talking about life and the troubles of whoring and sharing some cans of vodka/whisky and a bottle of red wine. we also tried to go several indoor venues but it was way too loud especially because of the game going on. i told her about the feelings i have towards my friend and she was really reassuring about it. it’s so nice to be able to talk to another girl about these things :) we’re probably gonna meet up at some point to go to slimelight. i’m really looking forward to it cause it’ll be my first time going clubbing.

2. i met ramo on 10/07 - we started watching saw and i ended up falling asleep, which i felt so depressed about that i went home at like 02.00. i always fall asleep with him :( the fact that i drink alcohol is probably a massive contributing factor but it wouldn’t be half as fun otherwise. more troubling is that i’ve been semi-skinwalking the e-girl he’s been orbiting which is fucking pathetic since i’m 22 and she’s 16 - i’ve done this through practicing certain hobbies more, trying to get more into irony/racist/i**** twitter memes and incorporating this into my interactions with him, listening more to i****c***, etc. i showed him a picture of art i had recently done of a personified version of england football team as a cute girl, which had the caption of ‘you want me to kneel?’ i got the idea of writing captions from the girl in question. idk how incriminating that is but I AM DUMB AND RETARDED and immediately started questioning him on the name of the girl he was orbiting (more on that in the catch up). i know the name of the person he orbits but he’s rescinded what he said before and denies that he orbits anyone on discord - he just says that he ‘ironically simps’. there’s no way this is true so i feel that he suspects the depth of my feelings and has therefore ammended his position. that doesn’t bother me that much except i’m super worried he suspects my weird e-stalking of the girl he likes and the subsequent skinwalking that followed. if he knew, it would literally kill me, honestly. the thought that i had given myself away too much bothered me so much that i was bedridden for most of sunday (11/07) in a dreadful combination of embrassment, shame and depression. seeing yelena really helped with this though and i’m kind of over it.

3. me and him met up again on tuesday (13/07) - we finished watching saw, watched one episode of evanglion, ordered chinese (and i apparently ate a massive packet of crisps) and i fell asleep again. i got super drunk before coming over to see him to the point where i straight up do not remember most of the night, which is different. i don’t mind that much but i’m scared that i may have said something dumb and even more revealing about me that i don’t remember but i’m just trying not to think about that lol.

4. the next day we chatted and it was comfy up until i told him that i attend to resume escorting and his reaction was surprisingly bad. he rolled over and didn’t engage with me for a while and got a bit passive aggressive.  he also said that because of my intention to resume whoring, he was gonna accelerate his plan to move back to pakistan instead of wage-slaving. it kind of made me feel like part of the reason why he was initially planning on staying in the country for a few years is because of wanting to be with me. as much as i hate upsetting him, it weirdly pleased me that he was emotionally invested in me enough for it to make a difference. i shouldn’t feel happy about that but i do. he got over it and the rest of the day was fun. i was supposed to go to flat viewing at like 11.30 but it got cancelled because the resident hadn’t granted permission to enter so i ended up staying until 19.00. i ate leftover chinese from yesterday, we listened to music, watched lost highway and some oblivion npc compilations which was funny. took a bit of a detour around 16.00 when i went to get the pill and he got some o’cuoppo which turned out shit so we didn’t eat. overall, a good time.

#my diary desu

[zenithgurugirl]

4 more chapters...

That is how many chapters I have left to write in my book. I'll be turning it in as soon as I finish up editing. I have everything ready to go. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I have confidence that the first literary agent will take it. Not many are writing out stories at the moment with what is going on in the world. Everyone is more focused on politics and diving into Onlyfans and other money making tech marketing crap.

Tbh - I would rather put in hard earned hours and original creativity in my work than sit in front of a camera all day and use social media platforms to gain a buck. It's easy money yes but you are also burning yourself by doing something you'll regret later. Sure, open up a shop but do it out there in real life, not in here of the cyber world. Someday this will be obsolete.

Everyone is grabbing a Corona paycheck by staying at home even if the mandate is lifted. Vaccines are handed out like candy so that no one is thrown back into fear but techie guys are giving out websites and online shops for the sit on your ass forever experience. Sure writing books is a sit on your ass job - but - I have to go out there and experience things to write things. I have to explore places and have adventures to write anything out. What is the joy if you don't experience what you are writing?

I've experienced what war feels like on a military base. I spent a whole year on that base watching soldiers do their war games. I held guns and swords. I've sword fought before and shot guns. I've done many things that were unheard of just so I can share the experience with others through writing. I feel like writing is now considered an ancient or lost art. I also feel like everyone is going illiterate. Everyone wants to be called by "Them and their or they" when it should be "he, she, his and hers" . Illiterate weirdos. We all have a gender, it is not mindset - we were birthed with genitalia. I don't care if you chopped yours off or sewn one or many on - you are he or she but not it.

And for race. We are all different shades of skin. From albino to raven black. Don't give me that shit that we are different due to skin tones. We bleed the same dumb ass. We are 1 race. HUMAN. If I start bleeding yellow - then call me racist because I'm not human if I bleed a different color than human color OKAY. Everyone needs to chill the F out. Sit the F down and rethink their life decisions. Maybe Unlearn the things they just learned from degenerate retards who claim they are smart. Because clearly they are not smart and they are LAUGHING at your decisions! Making fun of you! Making you hate yourself even further than you think you are saving some form of grace.

It is like when every stupid American was taking anti-depressants during the late 1990's and UK was making fun of us for popping pills. Well now it is Americans hating on humanity and trying to kill each other over stupid shit and this time the entire world is making fun of us. GROW UP AMERICA... grow up.

Okay, venting is done. I'm back to working on my book. Hard work earns something more satisfying than Onlyfan porn shit or online store investing. What a waste of sitting effort. hehehehe! Bye bye.