#me seeing people hated reading the giver: damn wish I’d been told to read the giver in school

[pinespittinink]

got thoughtful about opinions on bad books so here’s an inverse: what’s a book you had to read for school that you actually enjoyed/have grown to like? mine is Lord of the Flies

#me seeing people hated reading the giver: damn wish I’d been told to read the giver in school #books #writeblr #writeblr community #shout out to Wuthering heights I also didn’t read her in school but I love her so much

[averykedavra]

Are We There Yet

Hey look it’s losleep that might be *knocks on wood* actually somewhat short? I’m doing these prompts way out of order because I’ve accepted that I won’t finish them so I’m just doing the ones that call my name.

(Tagging @tsshipmonth2020! You can find this fic on Ao3 here.)

Prompt: The temperature of your chest gets hotter when you are closer to your soulmate and colder when you move further away.


Pairing: QPR Losleep.

Words: 6856

Warnings: self-deprecation, food mention, arson mention, death mention, sleep deprivation, minor injury, swearing, hypothermia kind of, and this whole thing could be read as a metaphor for touch starvation

Remy is not clingy.

Okay? Okay.

He doesn’t need anybody. Sure, it’s nice when Logan holds his hand, pretty cool when Logan kisses his cheek, but if no? Remy’s fine with that. He made it like twenty-something years without the boi, after all. Besides, physical affection is ew. He only puts up with it ‘cause Logan likes it.

And if sometimes he flops into Logan’s lap and whines about work until Logan plays with his hair, that’s to annoy his babe. Not because he likes it.

And if he always sticks close to Logan? It’s because Logan drives the cold away.

Which is also not a problem. Remy likes being cold. He’s a frozen dream-come-true, a cool and collected boi, a chill and fabulous being. He’s got his jacket if things get too bad.

Besides, again, he made it twenty years without warmth.

(Twenty pretty fucking terrible years, if he’s honest, but just because he’s half-delirious sometimes from the feeling of being warm doesn’t mean he needs to be desperate about it.)

He’s not desperate. He’s not clingy. He does what he wants and his stupid partner doesn’t control him.

Remy’s not clingy, and Logan’s going away this week, and it’s fine.

“I’ll be back soon,” Logan promises for the fifth time. “You can call me if you need anything, and there’s extra groceries in the fridge, and the keys are by the door--”

“Babe, I’ll be fine.” Remy rolls his eyes. “Tbh, I think you’re more nervous about this than I am.”

“I’m not nervous,” Logan argues, although the way his eyes flicker around says otherwise. “Remember to turn off the stove, and--”

“Darling.” Remy gives Logan a kiss on the nose and enjoys the way Logan flushes and wrinkles his nose. One year of being partners and Logan still stammers under affection. Clearly, Remy needs to give him more.

(It’s just for the reaction, though. It’d be fine if Logan didn’t want kisses. Remy wouldn't sulk.)

“Starlight,” Remy says, placing another kiss on Logan’s cheek for good measure, “my good bitch, I’m capable of managing one week without burning the house down.”

“I know, I know.” Logan gives him a small smile. “I’m just--I wish you could come with me.”

“Plane tickets are fucking expensive,” Remy says, “and I’d rather go broke buying espresso than flying in some tin death trap, ‘kay? Go do your conference thing. It’ll be fine--I’ll hold down the fort.”

Logan frowns. “What fort?”

“Expression, honey.” Remy gives Logan one more kiss because he can’t help himself (but he’ll be fine without these for a week, of course.) “Good luck, show those assholes what you’re made of.”

“They’re hardly assholes.” Logan touches his forehead to Remy’s and Remy does his best not to melt in the warmth. “You’ll really be okay without me?”

“Of course,” Remy says, grinning. “My life will go on without you. I’m not that clingy.”

Something flashes over Logan’s face, but it’s gone before Remy can parse it. Logan gives him a final kiss and grabs his suitcases, pulling on a blazer that makes him look fucking stunning, in Remy’s opinion. Goddammit. Logan’s wasting his hella fine looks on some conference assholes when he could be here with Remy, sipping coffee and making fun of every episode of Gilmore Girls.

Well. What the hell does Remy care? He really does get that Logan needs to go to that conference, since Mr. Serious Professor is the only real income-giver in the household. Remy’s just a layabout who pays meager rent only on months when the coffee shop doesn’t fully fail.

He has no idea why Logan chose Remy, of all people, because he figured professor-types ought to stick together.

(He knows why. They’re soulmates. Without each other, they’re cold as ice, and tbh, Remy gets it. Logan would rather be with a mess than freezing to death. Fair enough. Still, it hurts, knowing you could be replaced with a fucking space heater.)

Logan gives Remy a little wave, and Remy gives him a cocky smile in return, adjusting his sunglasses and already planning the five-shot espresso he’s gonna use to drown his feelings.

Just one week.

This is gonna be fine.

Remy circles the end of the week on his calendar, once, twice, three times. Just so he’s not surprised. Sometimes time slips away around him and he’d like to be clothed when his partner shows up again.

He spends the rest of the evening watching TV. He heats up some macaroni, burns his tongue on it, and eats two brownies because why the hell not? It’s only like nine when he’s done, but the apartment is eerily empty. Logan’s usually busy with grading these evenings, face lit by his laptop, and Remy teases him and passes him some coffee and pulls him to bed when he’s really wrapped up.

Remy runs his hand idly over the spot where Logan usually sits.

Ugh. This is setting him on edge. He doesn’t like empty places and he has the urge to yell just to fill up the pockets of silence.

Remy makes himself one coffee. He shouldn’t. If Logan were here, he’d chide Remy and say Remy needs to sleep soon. Remy dangles his coffee mug in midair but Logan doesn’t catch it. ‘Cause Logan’s not here.

Duh, Remy, what’d you expect?

Remy chugs the coffee, tosses the mug in the sink, and tells himself he’ll clean it tomorrow.

He curls up in bed and stays on his phone until midnight. As the night wears on, he grows colder and colder. He pictures Logan flying on a plane to somewhere else, maybe sleeping with some stupid sleep mask on, his hair all messy and his glasses in his hands.

Remy’s phone vibrates.

If you’re still up, go to sleep.

Logan signs the text with a blue heart. He always does. Remy has done his goddamn best to teach Logan how emojis actually work, but Logan insists that words are “a highly more productive and lucid way of communicating.”

He always adds a heart though. Says it’s a quick way to remind Remy that he loves him.

Logan’s such a fucking sap sometimes.

(Remy ignores the fact that he’s smiling at his phone like it’s his firstborn child.)

lol hypocrite smh, he decides to write back.

I, at least, have the excuse of jet lag. Get some sleep, dear, we can talk tomorrow.

Remy sighs and doesn’t ask him to stay. He really is tired. And he’s not desperate.

He tosses his phone onto the nightstand and pulls his blankets up to his shoulders.

He’s cold.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep. But he wakes up and he’s still cold. Damn, the universe is a bitch.

Rubbing his arms and swearing, Remy stumbles into the kitchen and fumbles for the espresso machine. He tosses a good morning behind him and then remembers Logan’s not here. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and shakes himself.

He’s not gonna think about Logan right now.

Besides, Remy could use this alone time! Right? He’s always complained about Logan getting in his personal space.

(It’s a joke. It’s a joke and Logan always sees right through it, and Remy hates it.)

Remy nods to himself. He gets dressed in his usual jacket and pulls it tighter around him, as if clothes can get rid of the cold in his chest.

He takes a sip of coffee, pulls on his sunglasses, and gets ready to face the day.

His first shift goes okay. A bunch of couples come in, giggling and blushing, and Remy can tell the newest ones from the way they cling to each other’s arms. He fucking hates the universe sometimes. Depending on how sensitive a soul is, the cold can mess with people good. Some people never find their soulmate and freeze inside and out, unable to fix it, suffering from a cold that physically doesn’t exist. It’s all in their head, or their soul, to be sentimental about it.

Soulmates are bullshit if they hurt someone for not being there enough.

And being forced to be with someone...there are problems. Remy’s heard the stories. Seen the tears. Soulmates might be “made for each other” but sometimes shit happens, and the problem is nobody can leave that mess, because soulmates and because going from warm to cold is terrifying.

(Even for the relationships that work out--like Remy’s--there’s always the undercurrent of doubt. That it’s all about the temperature, the destiny, the expectations. And not about real love. Remy tries not to think about that.)

Still, watching the younger couples trade coffees and smile, Remy gets why everyone falls in love with the idea.

He spends his lunch break staring at his phone and hoping Logan will text him. Logan’s probably asleep--time zones, right? Plus the babe always gets conked out after plane rides.

Remy could text Logan, just to know. But it hasn’t been a day yet. He’s not gonna be needy.

He does his second shift, downs two espressos, and pretends the caffeine rush eclipses the cold settling into his bones.

He only grabbed a bun for lunch, so for dinner he cooks up some chicken. Then he watches more TV. Without realizing it, he grabs several blankets and pulls them around himself until he’s a blanket burrito. It’s warm. He almost falls asleep right there but manages to drag himself to bed, because an annoying voice in the back of his brain told him Logan would be mad if Remy stayed on the couch all night.

What does it matter, though? Logan isn’t here.

Remy still goes to bed.

He piles a quilt on top of his shoulders. The weight drowns him and he drifts off to sleep.

He only wakes up once.

Logan is texting him. Remy fumbles for the phone, ridiculously excited.

I hope you are well. Talk to you tomorrow morning, if you are willing.

Remy swallows and texts back sure.

Too quick? Too desperate? Nah, Logan likes punctuality, and anyway, it says he hasn’t read the text. He probably sent it, turned his phone off, and went to sleep. Logan’s responsible like that.

Remy watches his phone for a few more seconds, sighs, and turns it over. It takes a while for him to go back to sleep.

Day two and day three are a blur. He crosses the days off on the calendar, resolving to burn it before Logan sees. He’s run out of espresso so he makes a quick trip to the grocery store. They’ve turned the air conditioning on, even though it’s fall. Remy shivers his way through the aisles. He buys Logan’s favorite ice cream without thinking and sticks it in the back of the freezer. He’ll be here in four days, after all.

Remy bites his lip, pulls on his jacket, and goes back outside.

He goes to Logan’s favorite bookshop. The door tinkles when he opens it. At least this place isn’t air conditioned, though Remy still shivers, remembering all the afternoons when Logan dragged him here. He heads for the astronomy books and runs his fingers down the shelves. He has no idea what book to get. Logan’s the smart one. Remy’s just the bitch.

He buys a few books. They have space on the cover so Remy figures Logan’ll tolerate them. It costs like twice his week’s paycheck. Remy tries not to be salty about it. It’s not like Logan’s forcing him to buy this stuff. He did it himself.

Why, he’s not sure.

It’s only when he’s walking home with a bag of books and swilling the dregs of his coffee around when he realizes he’s gonna have to find a why. He’ll have to explain to Logan why he impulse-brought the babe some books. And he’ll have to make it somehow sound not-pathetic.

Well, that’s a problem for Future Remy.

Present Remy sticks the books in a closet--is that where books go? He usually just reads cafe menus--and cooks up some fried rice for dinner. All boxed, of course. It tastes like crap. He wonders if he should buy takeout tomorrow, but he just spent a bunch of money on fucking books, so maybe not.

He takes the books back out of the closet. He slips them into place on Logan’s shelves. They’re probably out of order. Logan has a wack organization system. But they look at home on the shelf, and none of the titles seem to be repeats, so that’s cool.

Remy takes a deep breath. They smell like paper, duh. Paper and leather and Logan, just a bit. Or maybe Logan smells like books.

Okay, now that’s pathetic. Remy backs away from the bookshelf. Why’d he even buy those stupid things?

(Because he can imagine Logan did. Because that bookstore reminded him of Logan and he feels like he could summon Logan with his favorite things. Like Logan is a demon or something. Well, tbh, he is a demon if his ability to recite the periodic table is any indication. Also, demons are pretty. And Logan is unfairly pretty, with fluffy hair and dark eyes and a little scar on his cheek and a dip in his chin.)

Remy sighs and watches a bit of TV. He turns it off soon enough because the words slip through his brain and leave no trace behind. Then he grabs the vacuum and turns it up.

He never vacuums. Logan does the cleaning and the cooking. Remy does the...lounging about? And the complaining. Logan also fixes anything that’s broken. Remy--well, maybe he does the errands? He does the errands. It’s not much, though, and it suddenly hits him how much Logan does every day. He’s got a full-time job teaching some college babies how to spell, and he still cooks dinner every night.

Remy narrows his eyes, rolls up his sleeves, and vacuums.

It’s loud. Plus he can’t remember which attachment goes on the carpet and which on the floor. So he might be doing more damage than help here. But fuck it.

When he’s done, he shoves the vacuum back into the closet. Then he grabs the laundry basket and does the laundry. He gets detergent on his jacket, which is not cool, and then he has to fold the fucking laundry. Remy looks up how to fold stuff. He’s pretty sure he’s made everything wrinkly, and some of the clothes didn’t fit in the drawer so he had to smush them.

As an apology, he washes the sink. It’s not bad. Then he washes the mirror--not bad--and the bathtub--worse--and the toilet--hell on earth. By the end of it, he feels like every bit of slime and muck has been transported onto his skin.

He takes a warm shower. He keeps turning the heat up because he forgets the cold inside doesn’t match his actual temperature, and he can’t help it because for a second, it’s like he’s actually warm.

The air is freezing when he steps out. He wraps himself in three towels, stumbles into his bedroom, and throws on two pajama shirts and some extra-fluffy socks. He feels like shit. He has no idea how Logan manages to do all this stuff.

His phone vibrates as he’s collapsing into bed.

If I’m not disturbing you, would you like to talk?

Remy snorts to cover up his huge smile.

hey babe

Greetings. how was your day?

p cool.

Remy pauses before adding: did some chores.

Really? That wasn’t necessary.

im still in this apartment so ye, it was.

That reminds me. Are the groceries running out?

Something twitches in Remy’s stomach. He doesn’t know why. What, did he expect Logan to comment? To thank him? To come flying back home because Remy cleaned the sink?

(Yes. Maybe. Hopefully. It isn’t about Logan’s approval--except it is. Remy wants to know he’s not a screwup. That he did something right. That Logan can ease up because Remy can help out more. And maybe it would make the cold in his chest go away, just a bit.)

Remy sighs.

course not. it’s been like three days

I was just checking. What are you having for lunch?

already had it. it’s like midnight over here

Oh. Apologies. I’ll let you get some sleep.

Remy could say no. He could say stay with me. He could say nah, I’m bored, let’s chat.

He’s not clingy, though.

night babe

Goodnight.

Remy doesn’t even bother putting his phone away. He plugs it in and holds it next to him. It’s warm. And with the many blankets piled up on top of him, he can almost pretend Logan’s there, a fire that sears him inside and out.

He barely sleeps.

Day four is rainy. Remy usually asks Logan to drive him to work, so today he dashes down the sidewalk with an umbrella and curses wildly every time a drop of rain lands on his jacket. All the customers leave puddles on the floor. Remy has to mop them up.

He’s pissed. Pissed at nothing in particular, pissed at the customers who are all a little bit rude, pissed at the cold rattling in his chest.

(He’s more than halfway through the week and he’s barely managed to get this far. Pathetic.)

He chugs coffee right from the pot. It’s blistering hot and he can feel it trickle through him. He’s burning warm now and yet so, so cold. He bets he could burn to death and still feel freezing.

Goddammit.

Fucking soulmates.

Remy is cold. Remy is annoyed. Remy would like very much to go home.

And he gets his wish--because he slips on a puddle by the front door and his ankle skews out in a direction ankles should not go.

He’d try to stay and do his job, but his manager insists he should go home. He asks Remy if anyone’s picking him up. Remy shakes his head.

Remy should stick it out and get paid. Instead, he limps home.

His ankle isn’t swollen much, but it hurts like fuck to walk on, so he props it up on a table and watches TV. Maybe he should be doing more. He just got the afternoon off, after all. But he doesn’t fucking feel like it. So Logan can fight him.

Logan’s not here to fight him.

Ugh. Fuck Logan. Fuck soulmates. Fuck Remy’s stupid twisted ankle. Everything hurts and he wants to commit arson.

Maybe that’d warm him up.

He stays up most of the night. Logan doesn’t text him, or maybe he does and Remy doesn’t hear it over the TV. He doesn’t check. Fuck Logan. Fuck everything in the whole fucking world.

By the time it’s three in the morning, his ankle is still throbbing and he’s about to punch something.

He groans and burrows deeper into his mass of blankets. He’s still really, really cold. He wishes he wasn’t so fucking sensitive--some people feel the temperature super acutely, and Remy’s one of them. Usually he likes being acute, or, more accurately, a-cute piece of ass. This, though? This fucking blows.

Remy drifts in and out of a doze for the rest of the night. He dreams he’s sinking into a frozen lake and nobody’s there to help. He wakes up to the credits playing and his ankle sparkling with hot pain.

Hot pain that he almost doesn’t mind at this point, since it’s a respite from the cold.

Fucking soulmates.

Remy hopes Logan never comes back. He’ll just freeze to death sad and alone and that’d serve Logan right.

(He doesn’t mean that. He never does. Logan would probably be sad if Remy died. And Remy likes being alive. He’s just...he’s just unraveling right now, a snarled mess of red-hot wire in his head, burning his thoughts but never warming the rest of him.)

Remy pulls a pillow out of his head.

He feels like shit, everything’s on fire except cold, and morning is a long way away.

When morning comes, he calls in sick. Because he still feels like shit. Except the special kind of shit he always feels like after pulling an all-nighter. His back is stiff and his ankle throbs dully and his eyes itch. The TV stayed on all night. Remy wonders if that contributes to the electricity bill--Logan always handles that kind of thing.

Logan always handles everything.

Can Logan handle Remy? Well, so far, he’s done alright.

Remy’s hard to handle sometimes, though.

Like now. He’s pretty sure if Logan saw him right now, he’d finally give up on the idea of soulmates.

Remy eats some chips for breakfast, binges a few shows, and eats more chips for lunch. He’s still hungry. Apparently chips aren’t that filling. Bullshit. Chips should count as food.

He nods off mid-afternoon and sleeps through dinner. His stomach is growling when he wakes up. He barely notices, though. It’s the cold that he really feels. It’s like he woke up made of ice, and any movement will shatter his joints and send him crashing to the ground in a pile of frozen splinters.

Dramatic? Yes. Justified? Also yes.

He feels like he’s on fucking fire. Except it’s cold instead of warm and there’s no way to put the fire out.

It’s supposed to be just the chest, but it feels like his whole body. From the tips of his toes to his hair follicles to his eyelashes to his chipped nails. Every blood vessel in his body is frozen, every patch of skin is icy, and when he blinks, he’s surprised no frost comes off of his eyelids.

Fuck, it hurts.

Why does he have to be so sensitive? Why can’t he last one week without his soulmate? Why did the universe look at Remy and decide hey, that’s the bitch we should saddle with super fucking sensitivity to this soulmate shit, so he becomes a clingy bitch and drags everyone else down with him?

Remy works his way into a sitting position and grabs for his phone. An unanswered text from Logan lights up.

How are you doing?

I’m chilling, Remy writes back.

Which is technically true.

(And besides, no need to worry Logan. He can’t do anything about the situation right now, so whining about it would only make Remy look like a mess. Besides, Logan would probably be annoyed--annoyed that his soulmate can’t handle it, that his soulmate won’t shut up, that his soulmate is Remy who’s just entirely wrong for him in every single fucking way.)

Logan doesn’t answer the text. He’s probably busy or asleep.

Remy feels so, so cold.

He frantically searches up solutions for soulmate-induced chills. He has flashbacks to middle and high school, back before he found Logan, cold every morning. People complained he was faking it, that there was no way it felt that bad, and eventually Remy learned to stop talking about it. Later the doctors told him he was abnormally sensitive, and even later he found out that Logan lived miles and miles away.

It had all been kind of justified. But that didn’t make him feel any better.

And today it just makes him feel worse. Great. Five days without his soulmate and he’s slipping back into old habits. Five days without his soulmate and he’s curled up on the couch and trying to find a way to make the cold leave.

Needy? Yes. Desperate? Yes. Justified? Yes, but also, not really.

All the tips involve stuff Remy can’t muster up the urge to go and find. He settles for rubbing at his skin, his wrists, his sides and his knees. For a second there’s a bit of relief, and then gone. It’s like itchy mosquito bites--the moment he warms one patch of skin, another starts aching with cold.

And he’s still hungry. And his ankle still hurts.

Remy curls deeper in the blankets and imagines Logan, Logan pressing a kiss to his hairline, Logan running a hand down his side, Logan close to him and Logan warm, like a bonfire Remy can never touch. Logan is the fucking sun and Remy is a cold, distant planet, trying his damn hardest to get close but knowing he’s just a blip on the radar. Logan can light up the world on his own. Without Logan, Remy can’t do jack-shit.

Remy is spinning through the universe, and it is dark and cold and really, really lonely.

He tugs a blanket over his head and tries to sleep.

When he wakes up again, it’s day six, and his eyelids are stuck together and he wishes fervently for coffee.

He fumbles for his phone. Logan’s texted him. Remy can’t muster up a smile.

It’s a long text. A paragraph. Logan’s walking Remy through his day? Cute. Logan’s so cute.

Remy tries to read it, but his eyes slip closed again and his stomach rumbles and his ankle stings and maybe he’ll just sleep until Logan gets here again, maybe he’ll enter hibernation--

He should answer Logan’s text.

He should call a friend. He’s pretty sure he has some, though he can’t remember why.

He should--maybe he should call 911.

But nah.

Remy’s not clingy, right?

He’s fine.

The phone slips from his hand as he falls back asleep.

Remy’s heard, somewhere, that having hypothermia means you get really warm right before you die. The cold kills you without you even feeling it.

And he can’t die from this. But he does wake up warm and that’s probably not a good sign.

Remy grabs his phone and checks the time. It’s...twelve. Twelve on the day Logan’s returning--and he’s returning at three.

Fuck, shit, fuck--

Remy scrambles to his feet, every bone in his body groaning in complaint. He feels like he got run over by a truck and he probably looks that way, too. His stomach is growling and his hands are shaking and his ankle doesn’t hurt anymore but it also won’t move the way it’s supposed to. He grabs his sunglasses and pulls them on, checking his phone’s texts.

A few texts from his manager. Because yeah, he just missed two extra days of work without even calling the guy. Fuck. Remy’ll have to work overtime or it’ll come down to Logan to pay the bills, and Remy doesn’t want to be even more useless.

One text from Logan.

I’m on the plane. I can’t wait to see you!

Remy wishes the feeling was mutual.

He pulls on his jacket and takes a look around. The living room is a mess of blankets that drown the couch and spill out onto the floor. The TV is blinking--Remy must have sat on the remote. He thwaps the side a few times until it turns off. Maybe he broke it. Well, problem for Future Remy.

Remy bundles up most of the blankets and shoves them haphazardly into the closet. Then he grabs the chip bags and throws them out. He’s starving--he pulls out a yogurt cup and downs it, then makes himself a triple-shot espresso. It’s scalding hot and he almost feels warm drinking it.

He doesn’t feel warm.

He doesn’t feel cold, either.

He feels--well, he’s not sure how he feels. Better, maybe? He’s definitely less of a lump. But everything’s kind of numb and lukewarm and hazy, and his hands won’t stop trembling.

He makes himself another coffee, just for good measure.

The sun streams through the window. Standing in it usually warms Remy up--today it makes him feel cold. He steps into the shadows and they skate over him comfortably. Chilly and numbing and safe, and this is very worrying, and maybe he should call a doctor.

Eh, Logan’ll be back soon. So it’s fine.

Remy tries to remember everything he should do. He was gonna explain to Logan why he bought those books. And what happened to his ankle. And why he hasn’t texted back. And how shitty everything’s been--well, no, not that last one.

Right! Right. The calendar. Throw it out so Remy doesn’t look desperate.

Remy stumbles over to the calendar and tears it down. It’s only marked halfway to today, because he’d given up on crossing off the days, but it’s still irritating to see.

Logan will be here soon.

Remy’s phone vibrates.

Logan’s in the airport. He’s driving home.

For some reason, Remy’s heart starts to race.

(Because the apartment is a mess. Because there are more astronomy books than there used to be. Because Remy looks like a dead rat. Because he hasn’t gone to work. Because Logan will see this mess and realize what a mess Remy is without him.)

Probably, the coffee didn’t help. Remy still takes a sip of it because the familiar taste helps ground him.

Okay. Logan’s getting here soon. And Remy will be warm. And everything will be fine. Everything will be fine and Remy can explain things later, when he’s warm.

He can feel Logan in his chest. Maybe that's why he woke up so warm--because Logan’s near. Logan’s near, and Logan’s close, and this should be enough.

It’s not.

Remy’s still numb in his extremities and trembling in his hands. He’s growing warmer but not fast enough. Logan’s not here yet and it hurts.

(Desperate.)

Yeah, he’s fucking desperate.

He paces back and forth across the kitchen. Back and forth. Back and forth. The exercise sends little tingles up his legs. He’s lukewarm right now. And it’s almost as painful as the cold, being so close to warmth but not quite there, hanging in limbo.

Remy checks his phone again and again and again.

He doesn’t text Logan, though. That’d be really needy.

Time ticks on and Remy wonders if the world has frozen instead of him.

He wants to scream. He wants to throw open the door and run to wherever Logan is and collapse in his arms and never leave. He wants to be near Logan. He wants to be with Logan. He wants Logan to never leave.

He wants.

Remy paces and back and forth and wants, more than he’s ever let himself before.

He probably looks so pathetic.

Maybe Logan’s late. Maybe Logan’s stopping to get groceries. Maybe Logan got mugged, or maybe Logan just isn’t here yet because it isn’t time yet, and Remy’s waiting--

A key turns in the lock.

Remy almost drops his coffee. He scrambles for it and manages to slam it on the counter. Then he puts his arm next to it, stares at the window, and tries to look nonchalant.

The door opens.

Logan.

Logan, his partner, his starlight.

Remy wants to run to him and tackle him and never let him go.

“Oh, hey, babes,” he says instead, glancing at Logan. “Back already? Time flies.”

“Don’t mention flying,” Logan complains, closing the door behind him and rubbing his eyes. “My flight back was a nightmare.”

“Really? Spill the tea, babe!” Remy casually grabs one of Logan’s suitcases. “I’ll cut a bitch if they fucked with you.”

“It was a baby,” Logan complains.

“Oh, damn, can’t kill it, can I?” Remy leans in to give Logan a quick kiss on the cheek and veers away just as quickly. Logan is a furnace. Remy’s melting in the proximity and he wants to get far away and he wants to burrow into the center of the warmth and let it envelop him.

Logan gives Remy an odd look. Remy grins and takes another sip of coffee.

“How are you?” Logan asks, peeling off his jacket. “You didn’t text me back. Were you busy?”

Remy shrugs. “Busy, bingeing Riverdale, what’s the difference?”

“Riverdale is a ridiculous show.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Logan rolls his eyes and leans in to press a kiss to Remy’s forehead. “I’m glad to be back, dear.”

And Remy almost shoves him away.

He realizes the instant he’s done so that he’s made a mistake. Logan’s staring at him in open confusion and--oh no--a bit of hurt.

“Is something wrong?” Logan asks. His voice is way too soft.

(He’s too close. He’s too far. Remy is going to burn up from the pure kindness in Logan’s eyes because fuck is he clingy.)

“Remy?” Logan asks.

Remy’s gone too long without talking.

“’Course I’m fine, babe.” Remy laughs. “You must be tired, right? Jet-lag and all that jazz. C’mon, let’s put your stuff away.”

Logan gives Remy a searching look. “We don’t have to right away. We can...watch a movie? Or cuddle, if you’d like.”

“Nah, you’re probably exhausted.” Remy tosses his coffee into the sink and waves at Logan to follow him. “I’ll get your stuff and you can go to bed, it’s fine--”

“Remy,” Logan says.

“Yeah, babe?”

“Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

Remy looks back. Logan’s eyebrows are pulled together and he’s almost glowing in the afternoon sun. He’s tired. Remy can tell. Bags are smudged under his eyes and his hair is rumpled up. (Remy would reach out and rumple it more if he dared to get any closer.)

So why is he still here?

“Lo,” Remy says, and it comes out softer than he wanted. “Talk later. Sleep now.”

“Talk now, thank you.” Logan steps closer and Remy steps back. “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” Remy protests.

“Are you?” Logan reaches for his hand and Remy pulls it towards his chest. “I--I apologize if I’m overstepping, I promise I didn’t mean to alarm you--”

Remy takes another step back. Logan’s too close and too warm and too--

His twisted ankle slips.

He falls towards the kitchen floor and braces himself.

Warm.

Searing warmth around his chest.

Logan caught him.

Logan caught him and is holding him upright, eyes wide, face inches from Remy’s own. Where his skin meets Remy’s skin? Fire. Explosions of fireworks and the warmth of a hot bath and Remy’s missed this. Fuck, he’s missed this.

“Are you alright?” Logan asks.

Remy opens his mouth to say something and doesn’t.

“I--” Logan moves to step back. “Apologies, I didn’t want you to fall--”

No.

Maybe Remy’s clingy, but no, Logan is not moving away.

Remy throws his arms around Logan’s shoulders and curls into him.

Logan makes a small noise before returning the hug, hand coming up to cup Remy’s neck. It sears his skin and Remy should be in pain. He’s not. He actually whines, turning his face into Logan’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Dear,” Logan whispers. His hand rubs down Remy’s side and Remy shudders. “Could you tell me what’s going on?”

Remy looks up, and his whole body is warm, and he realizes far too late that he’s starting to cry.

“Oh." Logan looks absolutely terrified. “Remy, what’s wrong?”

Remy doesn’t know how to say absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. So he settles for clinging to Logan’s shirt and disappearing into the warmth again, letting Logan hold him, knowing soon he’ll have to pull away but unwilling to let soon be now.

“Remy, dearest.” Logan brushes a kiss over Remy’s forehead and Remy whines again, goddammit. “Please, I can’t help you unless you talk to me. Or if you’re not ready, at least--at least signal to me what I can do?”

Don’t let go.

Fuck, Logan, don’t let go.

“Sorry,” Remy mutters, and tries to force himself to move out of Logan’s arms. “I--sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Logan sounds even more confused and upset. “Remy, I’m very confused right now.”

“I--” Remy manages to scoot a little bit away from Logan. The cold hits him like a blast and he shivers. “Don’t mind me.”

Logan reaches out and catches Remy’s hand. He folds it in his own. Remy stares at it and looks up, and he realizes his vision is blurring. Shit. He’s crying over held hands--he really is pathetic.

“Remy.”

Remy almost gasps as Logan presses their hands to his chest. Remy can feel Logan’s heartbeat, fluttering under his fingers.

“Remy, please,” Logan insists. “I’m worried.”

“I--you--” Remy tries to roll his eyes. “I’ve just...missed you, is all.”

“Oh?”

“And it’s--” Remy shrinks into himself, looking away. “I’m not trying to be needy or anything. But it’s--y’know. It’s been kinda cold without you.”

“Oh.”

Remy stares at his feet, eyes stinging.

“Remy, dearest, please look at me.” Logan’s voice is unexpectedly soft. “You’re cold?”

Remy nods.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“You couldn’t have done anything about it,” Remy points out.

“I still would have liked to know.” Logan places two fingers under Remy’s chin and tilts it up. Remy’s eyes meet Logan’s--Logan is so pretty, with those dark eyes and that ruffled hair and such a concerned look on his face. (Remy doesn’t deserve him.)

“Would you like to cuddle now?” Logan asks. “It will probably help.”

Remy shakes his head.

“Why not?”

“I don’t--” Remy waves a hand. “You’re tired.”

“I’m not, and even if I was, you’re more important.” Logan sighs. “We can even cuddle in bed and I can sleep, if it’s that necessary for you.”

“No thanks,” Remy says, trying to wipe away his tears surreptitiously. “I don’t need that.”

“But you want it,” Logan says. “Don’t you?”

Remy presses his lips together.

“Remy. Dearest.” Logan looks pained. “Why aren’t you letting yourself get what you want?”

Something stabs into Remy’s heart and stays there.

“I love you,” Logan pleads. “You’re cold. I--I’m afraid I don’t see what the problem is--”

“Because you don’t want to!” Remy bursts out.

“I don’t--what?” Logan looks utterly bewildered. “Of course I want you to be happy and warm!”

“But you don’t want--you can’t want--” Remy waves an arm at the kitchen, then at himself. “I’m just being clingy, it’s fine--”

“Clingy?” Logan repeats. And now he looks heartbroken.

“Yeah, needy, desperate, whatever.” Remy shrugs. “I’m just sensitive, it’s really fine.”

“Remy. Remy, please.” Logan shakes his head. “Remy, I love you.”

“I know.”

“Do you?” Logan asks. “I love you and I want you to be happy and I treasure your company. It’s not a burden on me to support you.”

“But you always support me!” Remy fires back. “You do all the work and I just lounge around! I don’t--you’re just stuck with me ‘cause I’m your fucking soulmate!”

There’s a long, frozen silence.

“I’m sorry,” Remy whispers. “Really am, starlight.”

“No.” Logan squares his shoulders. “No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I ever made you think you weren’t good enough for me.”

“What?” Remy asks.

“I’m sorry if I ever made you believe I felt ‘stuck’ with you. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn’t contribute anything to this relationship. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel needy for wanting comfort.”

Remy swallows.

“I’m sorry if--” Logan shakes his head. “Do you remember the time I got a flat tire and you singlehandledly convinced several different people to drive us, in small increments, to a repair shop?”

“Yes?” Remy blinks a few times. “What’s this have to do with--”

“Do you remember the time one of my students almost dropped out and I cried because I thought I’d failed them, and you helped me reach out to them? They graduated, dearest. With a solid B minus.”

“I know, but--”

“Do you remember all the times you send me to bed for sleeping late?” Logan continues. “Do you remember all the afternoons you flopped on my lap and watched TV with me? Do you remember how you always let me talk about whatever I’d like and you always listen?”

Remy stares at Logan.

“I love you,” Logan says desperately, “and you have helped me so much, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. Soulmate or no, I love you. And I will always support you, without hesitation, just as much as you’ve supported me.”

Logan opens his arms. “So...if you’d like to, I think you might like a hug?”

Remy presses a hand to his mouth. “I--”

“It’s okay,” Logan says. “You’re not desperate. You just need help right now.”

Remy chokes back a sob and collapses into Logan’s arms.

“Shh,” Logan whispers as Remy starts to cry. “Shh, I’ve got you, I’m here.”

“I missed you,” Remy confesses.

“I know. I missed you too.”

“I love you.” Remy suddenly feels he needs to say it. “I love you so much, starlight.”

“I know.” Remy can hear the trace of a smile in Logan’s voice. “And I’m all the better for it.”

They stand there a long time, Remy sinking into the warmth, head on Logan’s shoulder and arms tucked around his waist. There are things they could be doing. Logan still needs sleep and Remy hasn’t eaten much and they’ve got jobs and lives and a million little things to put back in order.

For now, though, it’s just them in an empty kitchen.

Remy feels like his chest is on fire.

It’s not uncomfortable, though. It’s like the flame of a hearth, guiding him home. Telling him he’s right where he needs to be. And so is Logan.

Together. In each other’s arms. Smiling.

And fuck, Remy feels like he could touch the sun.

General taglist:

@the17thmeatball

@most-likely-fandom

@csi-baker-street-babes

@caffeinated-cryptid

@thefivecalls

@ollyollyoxinfree

@the-gay-is-back

@dramaticsnakes

@stoicpanther

Taglist from @the-taglist-repository:

@katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @royal-stormcloud @somehow-i-got-an-account  @starlight-era  @just-your-typical-trans-guy @potatsanderssides @idont-freaking-know @aceawkwardunicorn @callboxkat @sign-from-god-complex @locked-prism @sign-from-god-complex @a-fandom-trashdump @dragonwithproblems @snowdice @just-a-random-enby  @nonasficcollection @enby-phoenix @sign-from-god-complex @hitmewiththatfanart33 @aceawkwardunicorn @callboxkat @supernovainthenightsky @evoodo123 @hekking-happy-nonsense @cottonwoolsocks @demoniccheese83 @legendsgates @intruxiety @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun

#losleep #remy sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #ts remy #ts logan #qpr losleep #averywrites #human au #soulmate au #ts shorts remy #tw self-deprecation #look they're soft and i'm soft and it's nine at night #idk what u want from me

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

#survey #surveys #questions

[bow-woahh]

Heal Me After Hurting chapter 2 DVD commentary ask?

Send me your favorite scene/chapter from one of my works and I’ll post a DVD commentary on it.

Heal me after hurting! it's been a while since I've revisited this so I'm excited to talk about it! It's crazy to think it was nearly a year ago when I wrote it. It genuinely feels like just yesterday.

Chapter 2 ("Sick of saying nothing back") is the chapter where Catra and Adora actually start to communicate their feelings about each other and past together (hence why it's pretty dialogue heavy).

Catra has obviously just woken up from a nightmare and is still feeling pretty out of it, so it makes sense she'd be a little less closed off as a defense mechanism. Plus after hours of not actually speaking to Adora, she actually really wants to.

"Catra? Hey...hey, babe— don't, don’t cry, what’s wrong?”

I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure Adora says babe at least once every chapter. Maybe just one and two. But yes, that was purposeful.

(“For many, closure is a good tool to put an end to lingering questions and thoughts in one's mind, for others, all it does is remind them of things you needn’t reminders of. Over due time, you’ll figure out whether you want that closure or not, or whether to move on and look towards the future.”)

It's so sad that S5 completely destroyed the Micah as Catra's father figure/advice giver character but hey I still love the idea of this dynamic and I stand by it with him as her therapist in this fic.

Also, closure is a very important theme in this chapter, as neither of them got that: Catra because she literally wasn't allowed to get any and by the time she was it was too late; Adora because although she did break up with Catra, it was over text and was the last thing she wanted to do. Lots of unresolved issues were left behind.

“You—” Catra stops herself, takes a breath, then tries again. "You just...disappeared out of my life, left."

There's an obvious reason as to why Adora left and completely cut her off (because of Catra's mental health and how she wasn't just a danger to herself but others too) but it's so unlike her that Catra wants to believe that there was some other reason, that is wasn't just because—in her eyes—that she wasn't good enough. And actually, she turns out to be kind of right.

“I wasn’t well,” she says, mouth dry and words meek. It comes out like an excuse, even though it’s anything but.

This is at the moment the closest Catra can get to an apology, because she knows what she did was wrong and has grown a lot since then, but it's still so hard to admit that, especially to the person the hurt the most.

"It's just, I just...I dreamt about—"

Adora scoots closer. "Everything that happened that night? Yeah, I, um…I do too sometimes. It must be worse for you though, especially because…” she hesitates, then says, “still– you're not supposed to use your voice, you need to fully recover, okay?"

She cares SO much like ❤️🥺

"I didn't know what to do, or say, what was allowed." Adora replies, still apprehensive.

Adora likes rules, and boundaries. Before, although their relationship was obviously still kind of convoluted, for all it's faults it worked. After the incident, even once Catra was leading a healthier life, Adora had no clue how to approach her, if she could approach her. All the boundaries once there were gone with new ones that were so blurry that there was no point in trying to cross them. It was as if they were strangers, which is something Adora wasn't equipped to deal with.

Adora also says before this: “Everyone said– they said to give you space. So you could recover. So...I listened.”

Because she didn't know what she could do, what the boundaries were, she followed the guidelines set for her by others, which may or may not have been the right thing to do.

“You still care,” Catra whispers, bringing her knees up to her chest, head starting to pound as she begins to regret the bold statement.

Despite everything, despite Adora taking care of her the whole day, it's only now that Catra realises (or let's herself acknowledge) that Adora does still care greatly for her. Adora is obviously amazed at how Catra can even imply otherwise, because Adora never stopped caring and she thought it was pretty obvious.

Closing the lingering distance – the lingering tension – between them, Catra moves to sit opposite Adora.

“Adora... I’m sorry. For everything. I wish that– I wish things were different. That I was different.”

This!! Line!! Okay first — the fact Catra said the same thing in S5...I'm a prophet. But also, this is so important because now, just like in the show, now that Catra's finally admitted to the person she hurt the most that she does feel remorse over her actions, she can move forward now. Obviously, the contexts are a little different but I'd say it mostly applies.

Maybe things were always destined to happen this way.

Listen Catradora are simply star crossed lovers, but only for a little while. I just feel like in every universe it only makes sense of they fall out/grow distant before coming back together. They get their happy ending, but it just takes a little while yknow?

"No, it wasn't right, I should have spoken to you sooner, instead of lurking in the background…" the colour seems to rush to her face at the statement, and Catra can't help but be curious about what she actually means.

I remember when I was outlining literally writing how Adora would like,, low-key stalk Catra to see how she was doing. Nothing like super creepy, maybe just sitting in one of lectures or watching her with Scorpia and Catra at a coffee shop that she just happened to go to as well. Completely coincidental.

Catra wants to say 'me too'. She wants to shout it out at the top of the lungs, because all throughout when she was recovering she thought of Adora, love or hate – or a mix of the two – she thought of her.

Obviously drawing from the show here. Like it was clear they never really stopped thinking about each other and the same can be said here. Catra could never quite get rid of Adora from her mind. Partially because of how much she cared and loved her but also because of the fact she'd had so little closure from Adora.

“I didn’t even have my phone. The old guy was pretty careful with who I talked to in the first month or so. But…” she halts, and can’t help but wrap the arms around herself tighter.

A little extra info that I never put in the fic because it just relevant — Catra has a dad in this, which is who she's referring to here. Also, if you couldn't tell from the few context clues here and there, Catra is also pretty rich too. She wasn't exactly spoilt when she was growing up because, for a while, her dad was married to SW (picture evil step mum) but by the time she was around 16, 17, she's out of the picture, because of an,, unfortunate accident. Shadow Weaver is either present or dead in all the fics I write, okay?

“[...]They all told me to cut all ties with you, so you’d be able to focus on yourself, so I could do the same, and what I had wanted to say wasn’t exactly what everyone else expected.”

[Adora taking about the message she sent to Catra] I imagine before Adora agonised over what to say to Catra for days, much to Glimmer and Bow's dismay that they ended up sitting down and helping her right the message that she actually sent, but she obviously hated it then wrote the message she actually wanted to send in her own, before being unable to send it and going with the other one.

“Catra, I’m here babe, talk to me,” Adora says

She said babe again?!? Damn I went to town lmao

“Don’t...don’t cry,” Adora says, unconvincingly and accompanied with a weak smile in an even weaker whisper of her own. That’s all it takes for the dam to crumble completely and overflow. When those tears finally pour down, her first sob sends shivers down her spine, and it quickly worsens from there.

Ouch...this scene hurts to read. I'm sure when I was writing it I was laughing manically at the pain I was going to inflict on you all but...damn. Like the way Catra is trying so hard to stay strong but as soon as she sees Adora distressed again she just breaks down. God how an I getting hurt by my own fic??

Carefully, cautiously even, she wipes a straggling tear from her cheek, and with her lips just slightly upturned, mismatched eyes piercing through sky blue ones, she whispers, “it’s okay now though? Isn’t it?”

This moment is. Everything. So far, a lot of this has been Adora comforting Catra, Adora literally looking after Catra, but this is finally Catra reciprocating that by comforting Adora back, by letting her know ‘I'm here for you too.’ Also the brief tension that this causes.. wonderful.

Catra can see, smell, is Adora, and her lips are right there, looking soft and alluring like they always have, like they'll be enough to dissipate all worries, cast away all her doubts. But she’s scared, scared for this to happen, because it’s all so soon, too sudden, and moments before they'd been crying, and what if she messes up, what if this gesture messes it up?

I loved finding out how I actually fooled people into thinking they were gonna kiss. I'm sorry. But I'm not. Most people actually said they were glad they didn't, which was very much the response I wanted, so I was pretty happy with it.

“I was kinda worried you'd never come around, or that we'd get close and one of us would shut down once the serious stuff was brought up. If I’m being honest, I nearly didn't come— when Scorpia asked.”

"I don't see why she asked or why you'd want to." Catra shrugs

Yes. Scorpia was 100% being a bit of a shit stirrer. She knew these two fools needed to talk to each other.

Casually, Adora let's out the next statement as if it were fact. “They weren't you.” she answers with a shrug.

At this point Adora has long accepted that there's no one like Catra. That there's no one who can replace her. What she was to her. Obviously she tried, but Catra was still there the whole time in her mine. Catra is just it for her and she knows that. So for her, admitting this is as easy as breathing because she's come to terms with it.

But she can't, she's too far behind, she's still processing, and she hates that, because Adora feels – is – a million miles ahead of her, and she wishes it could be easy, that she could be easy on herself, that she could let Adora hear what she wants, no, needs to hear…though she just isn't there yet.

I feel so bad for Catra here because she feels like she can't keep up with Adora's pace, how well she's handling this, but it's not even her fault, like, it's just harder for her to deal with it like :((

Catra never saw the need for it anyway– Adora already looks stunning without it. Expecting her brain to chide her for even thinking that, Catra is practically amazed when there’s no little voice in her head condemning her for thinking such a thing, for going back there.

Progress,, we like to see! Obviously, in the last chapter we see more of this as well, which is great.

Adora, who broke up with her. Adora, who was once her everything. Adora, the one she had hurt the most, was here; talking to her, accepting her, smiling at her, forgiving her.

Callback to chapter 1,, we love to see it lmao

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this! Sorry it took 59 years but to make up for it, chap 8 of bloom will be up in like 2, 3 days! (:

#spop #catradora #fic ask #micah answering asks #answering asks #thanks anon! #this was fun #once again

[gimme-more-caffeine]

This is from my old blog, I honestly LOVE lists (and writing in bullets for some strange reason). Random and sporadic on topics and the numbers have NO MEANING. I'm NOT ordering them from most fave to least fave, just how they come to mind.

Also keynotes: Favorites doesn't always mean Favorites just what I enjoy the most. And there will be duplication at times

(Side note: Let's update this list from before as it's been two years and see what has changed. * means updated)

-Me- (Just little stuff I figured I'd do. Wasn't even supposed to be a list XD) 1. I'm a Major Introvert, I don't like to socialize with others in real life and prefer to do so online 2. I'm a major procrastinator 3. I mainly work nights so I get to sleep during the day 4. I want to make more friends online yet I have a hard time reaching out. The last time I interacted online was on DeviantArt and FFN years ago 5. I'm pretty much online all day/night on my nights off 6. Eye doctors have told me I have a rare blue-grey-green hazel (Is it true that it’s rare I don’t know) eyes so they tend to change between these three colors or be a mixture at times. Lately I think my eyes are just grey which takes on different green and/or blue shades

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-Books-

Favorite Authors 1. Nora Roberts/JD Robb 2. Jayne Ann Krentz/Jayne Castle/Amanda Quick 3. Gena Showalter (I mainly read her Lords of the Underworld series and only read one book that wasn't part of this series so she's not getting a Favorite list sadly) 4. Anna Windsor (I've only read one series of hers so I'm not including her in the books list) 5. Christine Feehan* (I mainly only like one of her series so she's not listed)

Favorite Series from Nora Roberts 1. Bride Quartet 2. McKade Brothers 3. In the Garden Trilogy 4. Dream Trilogy 5. Three Sisters Island Trilogy 6. Key Trilogy 7. Cousins O'Dwyer Trilogy 8. The Donovan Legacy

Favorite Books from In Death (Limiting myself up to Ten) 1. Divided in Death (My first ever In Death book so it holds a strong place in my heart) 2. Innocent in Death 3. Memory in Death 4. Visions in Death 5. Imitation in Death 6. Conspiracy in Death 7. Strangers in Death 8. Treachery in Death 9. New York to Dallas 10. Creation in Death

Favorite Books from Nora Roberts (Limiting myself to Fifteen) 1. Black Hills 2. The Obsession 3. The Witness 4. Carnal Innocence 5. River's End 6. Tribute 7. Carolina Moon 8. Birthright 9. Three Fates 10. The Liar 11. The Search 12. The Villa 13. Angels Fall 14. Time Was 15. Times Change

Favorite Books from Jayne Ann Krentz 1. All Night Long (The first I ever Read and thus holds a special place in my heart) 2. Sizzle and Burn 3. Running Hot 4. In Too Deep 5. Copper Beach 6. Trust No One 7. River Road 8. Witch Craft 9. White Lies 10. Light in Shadow

Favorite Books from Amanda Quick 1. The Third Circle 2. The Perfect Poison 3. Second Sight 4. Crystal Gardens 5. The Mystery Woman 6. Quicksilver 7. The River Knows

Favorite Books from Jayne Castle 1. Obsidian Prey 2. Dark Light 3. The Lost Night 4. Midnight Crystal 5. Canyons of Night

Favorite NON-Romance Books 1. Hope was Here 2. Z for Zacharia 3. Lord of the Flies (Yes, I actually like the chaos that happened. I'm probably messed up for that) 4. The Other Boleyn Girl 5. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (The ONLY book I like from the Harry Potter series) 6. 13 Reasons Why (I deeply enjoy the book and read during my teens) 7. By These Ten Bones 8. The Giver 9. Lovely Bones

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-Disney/Animated Movies-

Favorite "Popular" Disney Movies 1. Mulan 2. Zootopia 3. Big Hero 6 4. Tarzan 5. The Lion King 6. 101 Dalmations 7. Bambi 8. Pocahontas 9. The Princess and the Frog 10. Frozen 11. The Little Mermaid 12. Lilo and Stitch 13. Lady and the Tramp 14. The Hunchback of Notre Dame 15. The Nightmare Before Christmas (Yes this is Disney as Tim Burton worked for them during this time. I checked to make sure)

Favorite "Underrated" Disney Movies 1. Treasure Planet 2. Oliver and Company 3. Atlantis: The Lost Empire 4. Home on the Range 5. The Black Cauldron 6. The Sword in the Stone 7. Hercules 8. Meet the Robinsons 9. Emporer's New Groove 10. Robin Hood 11. A Goofy Movie 12. The Fox and the Hound 13. Aristocats 14. James and the Giant Peach (Yes this is considered Disney, I checked) 15. The Rescuers 16. Descendents 17. Brother Bear 18. Dinosaur

Favorite Sequels 1. Mulan 2 (Yes I like this when everyone seems to hate this) 2. Lion King 2 3. Cinderella 3 (I consider this to be an actual sequel, the other one felt more like short stories) 4. Beauty and the Beast: An Enchanted Christmas 5. Bambi 2 6. The Fox and the Hound 2 7. The Rescuer's Down Under 8. Aladdin and The King of Thieves 9. Pocahontas 2 10. 101 Dalmatians 2 11. Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure 12. An Extremely Goofy Movie

Favorite Series (Expect this one to be long and I'm including Jetix too) 1. The House of Mouse 2. Dinosaurs (I never even knew this!) 3. Bill Nye the Science Guy (SERIOUSLY, This guy was DISNEY?!) 4. Duck Tales 5. Gargoyles 6. TaleSpin 7. Darkwing Duck 8. Quack Pack 9. Timon and Pumba 10. 101 Dalmations 11. Recess 12. Hercules 13. PB&J Otter 14. Teacher's Pet 15. Filmore! 16. Disney's Mighty Ducks 17. The Legend of Tarzan 18. Kim Possible 19. Pucca 20. Lilo and Stitch: The Series 21. Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go! 22. W.I.T.C.H. 23. American Dragon: Jake Long 24. Yin Yang Yo! 25. Descendents: Wicked World

Favorite NON-Disney Movies 1. Anastasia 2. All Dogs go to Heaven 2 3. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron 4. American Tail 2: Fivel Goes West 5. Prince of Egypt 6. The Last Unicorn 7. The Secret of NIMH 8. Wakko's Wish 9. Quest for Camelot 10. Balto 11. The Pebble and the Penguin 12. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut 13. Scooby Doo on Zombie Island 14. Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost 15. The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island

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-Youtube-

Youtubers/Channels I mainly watch (Limiting myself to Ten): 1. MLP-Silver-Quill 2. Night Mind* 3. Rekaita Law* (Hey it's entertaining as hell and I love watching him rant) 4. FoundFlix* 5. joshscorcher 6. FOB Equestria 7. That Creepy Reading* 8. Top5s 9. The Theorizer 10. SuperHorrorBro*

Generalization of what I watch on Youtube 1. Let's Plays 2. Song Covers 3. MLP Analysis stuff (NOT the series, only the analysis community) 4. Horror/Paranormal/Urban Legend stuff 5. Movie/Game Theories 6. Anime/Movie parodies 7. Horror Explanations (Movies and video games lately)* 8. Abridged Shows/Parodies

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-Music-

Favorite Disney Movie Songs/Scores (As in IN the movie, Credit songs don't count unless they're the same song as in the movie. LONG LIST AHEAD) 1. Hellfire - Hunchback of Notre Dame 2. Why Should I Worry - Oliver and Company 3. I'm Still Here - Treasure Planet 4. Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas 5. Savages - Pocahontas 6. Make a Man out of You - Mulan 7. What's this? - Nightmare before Christmas 8. This is Halloween - Nightmare before Christmas 9. Court of Miracles - Hunchback of Notre Dame 10. You'll be in My Heart - Tarzan 11. Son of Man - Tarzan 12. Strangers Like Me - Tarzan 13. Farewell - Pocahontas 14. Short Hair - Mulan 15. Eye to Eye - A Goofy Movie 16. Stand Out - A Goofy Movie 17. After Today - A Goofy Movie 18. Topsy Turvy - Hunchback of Notre Dame 19. Try Everything - Zootopia 20. I Wanna be Like Other Girls - Mulan 2 21. Good Doggy, No Bone - Fox and the Hound 2 22. Lesson Number One - Mulan 2

Favorite Disney Covers 1. Hellfire - Jonathan Young 2. Can You Feel the Love Tonight - Elton John (Yes I see that as a cover as it's not the one from the movie but the credits) 3. Can You Feel the Love Tonight - Sara Paxton 4. Hawaiian Roller Coaster - Penicillin 5. Heigh-Ho - CASCADE 6. Supercalifragilisticexpialadotious - THE KIDDIE (Hope I spelt the song right... It's too damn long) 7. This is Halloween - Marilyn Manson 8. Kiss the Girl - Ashley Tisdale 9. You'll be in my Heart - Celtic Woman 10. Be Prepared - Jonathan Young* (Jonathan Young covers a lot of Disney songs I like so I'll leave it at that instead of listing all the covers I like)

Favorite Parody Songs 1. Brooklyn Rage - YGOTAS (Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series) Parodying: Poker Face by Lady Gaga 2. Pharaoh's Throne - YGOTAS Parodying: Telephone by Lady Gaga 3. Make a Man out of You - DBZAbridge 4. Leather Pants - YGOTAS Parodying: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga 5. U Can't Touch Lani - Lanipator Parodying: U Can't Touch This 6. Without Yugi - YGOTAS Parodying: Without Me by Eminem 7. Paraboss - YGOTAS BBT Movie Parodying: ??? by ??? (Someone told me it was Lady Gaga's Paraboss song but I can't find that) 8. Stronger - YGOTAS BBT Movie Parodying Harder, Better, Faster Stronger by Daft Punk 9. It's Your Move - YGOTAS Parodying: Tik Tok by Ke$ha

Genres I listen to 1. 80s 2. Different forms of Rock (Alternative, Symphonic, Metal, etc) 3. Anime Music 4. Disney Songs (Usually more from the movies) 5. Dance/Techno 6. Covers/Remixes

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-Movies-

Favorite Movies (Limiting myself up to Fifty) 1. Titanic 2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Again, the only movie I liked from the Harry Potter franchise) 3. Avatar (Yes I know this was like 95% CGI but it still had physical people in it so I'm not putting it in CGI category) 4. Jumanji 5. Fluke 6. Godzilla (98. This is my FAVORITE Godzilla movie. I just loved the design of Godzilla and the animated show that came as a result) 7. Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton's version. I'm probably one of the few who enjoyed this) 8. SPEED 9.  13 Ghosts 10. Ghost Ship 11. Poseidon (The one from the 2000s) 12. Flight 93 13. United 93 14. World Trade Center 15. Iron Jawed Angels 16. How the Grinch Stole Christmas 17. Matilda 18. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (A classic that shall never die) 19. Beetlejuice 20. The Dark Knight 21. Home Alone 3 22. Deadpool 23. Casper 24. Addams Family Values 25. The Hollow 26. Jurassic World 27. Dragon Heart (I cry like a bitch during the ending) 28. Angels in the Outfield 29. The Mask 30. Hocus Pocus 31. Mortal Kombat 32. The Grinch (2018 version)*

Favorite CGI and Claymation movies (Because I can't tell the difference between the two. And the CGI is for ALL Computer generation and WITHOUT physical people. This includes DreamWorks) 1. Rise of the Guardians 2. Megamind 3. Corpse Bride 4. Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children 5. James and the Giant Peach 6. Nightmare Before Christmas 7. Coraline 8. Dinosaur 9. Shrek 2 10. Kung Fu Panda 2 11. Sherman and Mr. Peabody

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-Anime-

Animes I like before finding out they were Anime 1. Oban Star Racers 2. Shinzo

Favorite Animes (Limiting myself up to Thirty) 1. Kuroko no Basket 2. Fruits Basket 3. Yu-Gi-Oh 4. Yu Yu Hakusho 5. Samurai Deeper Kyo 6. Bleach 7. Gravitation 8. Junjo Romantica 9. Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi 10. Princess Tutu 11. Slayers 12. Supernatural the Anime 13. Free! 14. Persona 4 15. Digimon 16. Inuyasha 17. Pokemon 18. Case Closed

Favorite NON-Animes (That can pass for anime style, at least what I think could pass) 1. Teen Titans (Not that shit Teen Titans Go) 2. Avatar the Last Airbender (I have not seen Korra. Also on a side note, this used to be in the anime section on Fanfiction.net when it first came out) 3. Samurai Jack 4. Ben 10 - Ben 10 Omniverse (Basically I mean anything BEFORE Ben 10 Omniverse) 5. Generator Rex 6. Powerpuff Girls Z 7. Code Lyoko

Favorite Voice Actors (Doing Japanese and English since I know very few XD Forgive my spelling errors) 1. Todd Haberkorn 2. Dan Greene 3. Johnny Yong Bosch 4. Vic Mignogna 5. Daisuke Namikawa 6. Konishi Katsuyuki 7. Romi Park 8. Yuri Lowenthral 9. Steve Staley 10. Cam Clarke 11. Greg Ayers* 12. Jerry Jewell 13. Eric Vale 14. Dave Wittenberg* 15. Tara Strong

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-Mythology/Supernatural

Favorite Myths 1. The Jersey Devil 2. Hades/Persephone Myth

Favorite NON-Humanoid Magical/Mythical/Supernatural Creatures 1. Unicorn 2. Qilin/Krilin 3. Dragon 4. Cerberus (I can't find the official name) 5. The Jersey Devil 6. Perryton 7. Pegasus

Favorite Humanoid Magical/Mythical/Supernatural Creatures 1. Mermaid 2. Harpy 3. Centaur 4. Siren (Both winged and finned kinds)

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-Random/One Category stuff-

Favorite Comedians 1. Gabriel Iglesias 2. Jeff Dunham 3. Bill Engvall 4. Jeff Foxworthy

Favorite Animals 1. Cats 2. Foxes 3. Wolves 4. Dogs 5. Ferrets* 6. Stoats* 7. Bats*

Favorite Foods 1. Buffalo Chicken Pizza (No Bleu Cheese, ONLY RANCH) 2. Beef Fajitas 3. Crunchwrap Supreme (I love Taco Bell!!) 4. Triple Chocolate Cake

Favorite Drinks 1. Peach Tea Snapple 2. Cherry Coke/Pepsi 3. Shirley Temple 4. Pure Leaf Unsweetened Tea 5. Strawberry Lemonade 6. Cherry Lemonade 7. Pure Leaf Peach Tea 8. Pure Leaf Fuji Apple Ginger Tea 9. Pure Leaf Cherry Hibiscus Tea*

#my stuff #my lists #lists