#my friend hosts this every year

[babacontainsmultitudes]

So it was established in the last episode that Taylor still believes in Santa (tbh I wouldn't be surprised if it's come up prior to this ep too but anyways-) so... Do you think (saint) Nicky been has portalling in every year since the betrayal to sneak in a gift for his son amongst the pile? That Cassandra doesn't even notice because it's just one among the many many presents she herself has bought and wrapped? But every year without fail... Taylor gets one gift that simply says "from: Nick" and well, obviously that has to mean it's from Santa (a conclusion which Nicky expects him to come to, and why he can sign his name at all, though he misses when he could just write "dad"). And one year when he's still quite young, a sleepy little Taylor actually catches Nicky in the act, and Nicky wishes more than anything that he could just *stay*, but instead he only softly tells Taylor to go back to bed, and Taylor thinks that Santa is a lot younger and a bit sadder than he expected, but what's he gonna do- not listen to Santa Claus? So he smiles meekly at the man he does not know to be his father, and hurriedly heads back to his room.

Also yes of course Nicky eats the fucking cookies left out of course he's not gonna pass up on free cookies (which are home-baked to top it off) come on that's a given.

#at my conspiracy board like ''he sees you when you're sleeping... he knows when you're awake- just like Nicky watching Taylor from Hell!'' #dndads #dungeons and daddies #nick foster #I'm sure I mustn't be the only person who's proposed a headcanon to this effect but anyways in light of recent events! #and Taylor asks Nicky what kind of cookies he likes and Nicky says ''oatmeal raisin'' and Taylor says ''gross'' #but insists on putting those ones out next year and every year after that #nicky freeman #taylor swift dndads #highkey knowing Nicky and the dumbass shenanigans he gets wrapped up in he would do something to accidentally become the real santa claus #like he shows up to the wrong house one year and gets spotted #so then in his mind he has to show up to *both* houses next year #but then the kid from the other house tells all their friends #and what is he gonna do- not get gifts for all of them too? that wouldn't be fair. #you see where I'm going with this? #dndads holiday special starring Nicky in the tale of how he became saint nick #I won't lie to you folks the Closes and Swifts are basically the only reason I care at all about this holiday haha #(though happy holidays to all of you celebrating- whatever you're celebrating!) #''but you're hosting a holiday event!'' YEAH AND LOOK WHO IT'S FOR LOL #(back at my conspiracy board) santa... is just an anagram for satan... it all makes sense!

[imperpetuallylost]

kinda crazy but…

im gay for you

:o no way i’m also gay for u <3

#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot #i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama #because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions #and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time #one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly #and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh #but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher #anyway #i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!! #but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there #so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice #and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs #for robotics if we qualify #which my hopes are vaguely high this year #but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do :///// #and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute #it’s really bad #anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown #idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was

[nebulouscoffee]

Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this

#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to) #I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky #I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine #and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve #and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn #I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky #(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things) #(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe) #anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D #I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one #even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends #how do Trills even exist #how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now #and still function #how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her #does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically? #does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now? #does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day? #does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more? #idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually... #(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao) #cw death

[bigothteddies]

maybe a house would be nice. admittedly I am only saying that because I realized I could have a housewarming party and try to invite my favorite people to come visit

#unimportant thoughts #itd be so fun! just imagining sharing my space with the people i love and having them in my space to celebrate it #its all I could want ! im gonna be daydreaming about it sctually #i mean i still could do that with an apartment BUT less space also noise restrictions #UGH i could throw a yearly christmas party! #my family had a big christmas party every year when i was a kid with some families we were close with :( #i miss it a LOT #nostalgic about the fact that there were kids my age i could play toys with and eat at the kids table sure but STILL #i could do that for my friends ! #i could maybe cover a plane ticket or two and get some of my favorite people together for a nice dinner and sleepover ;( #i could decorate and cook a meal and have wrapped gifts for everyone under the tree :( #meatz has a friend that throws a big halloween party every year and i really admire it #to throw and host a party rvery year where the prople you love can gather and see each other snd have a good time #is a PRICELESS fucking thing to provide and its something i admire #DOING things and hosting events and making stuff happen is a Big Deal #its a value and service many people dont appreciate #fortunately its been BEAT into me by the BMX scene #that the most importsnt thing you can do for BMX isnt to post your opinions online #but to host your own event to provide for the sport your own way to get people involved and to have a good time #and i wsnt to do that in life ! #its hard ive arranged beach trips where no one shows up ive hosted movie nights where people leave halfway through #but I know ill find people that want to do things and hang out just as badly as I do !

[froghwon]

.

#rambling #every night out. my tolerance for men dwindles 😒😒 #like im just here to dance and enjoy kpop #i dont want to have to entertain men so they dont physically hurt me 🙄 #i wish there was a lesbian club that hosted kpop nights. so i wouldnt have to put up with this shit 😔 #straight girls are super nice. its just guys i dont really wanna interact with 🤮🤮🤮 #i think i made friends with some carats . so at least there's that :') #they seemed like they were all in their early 20s :p and really sweet <33 #would love to go out with them again ^^ #BUT SUPER HYPED FOR SPOOKY MONTH!!! i've accumulated a few diff costumes over the years #hopefully i can wear them all before the months over :>

[paunchsalazar]

Tamaki start of college having epiphanies…Haruhi: “oh wow we’re really all gay I guess people do find each other” and he is like “Haruhi? Do you think that I’m gay?” “Well I guess bisexual, or do you prefer pansexual? you like people of all genders, or regardless?” “I… I never really thought about it.”

it’s a whole thing for him to process… he summons the whole group “you may be surprised to hear this, but I am gay.”

they are like ?????? “Tamaki you were like our gay awakenings you’re the one that made people feel okay about these things”

they each slowly realize he had absolutely no idea, montage of every gay thing he’s ever done… he is like what? but isn’t that what being best friends is like? recall all his statements about being yourself and loving what you love so on so forth, status on the ruling opinion of Tamaki chart turns from respect and admiration to… this guy is an idiot… etc etc and he is like what I had no idea, whole crisis

he recalls this moment he is like “acknowledging who you are, having the courage to admit what you love… isn’t that what it means to be strong?”

“Thank you past me, you are a genius!”

also kaoru is the one that came out Tamaki just somehow made it about him and then it ends up being about all of them… “I continue to learn more about myself… I truly am a man of great depths! I know! We should celebrate! A party to mark the birth of a new, more realized me!”

realizations happening ->

#entirety of it is found family but it’s so queer…. he made an accidental theater kid group GSA lonely boy club … #in my imagined future verse I think there’d be angst whatever but nothing but acceptance from friend group like they will never be divided. #whatever!!!! #them walking through his attraction to people and how it never really being about gender and he is like.. I ..suppose.. oh.. huh! #Tamaki: as a bisexual- explaining all the things he has just learned to kyoya who has been coming out every day for 5 years #kyoya: -_- #they will always be funny idk the twins are like were going to kill him…….. sorry if that makes us homophobic #haruhi sighs.. #‘guys I’m a twink! ‘we’re all twinks obviously!’ #ouran high school host club #ohshc #ouran #Tamaki Suoh #kyoya ootori #tamakyo #tamaharu #haruhi fujioka

[dilfpassing]

one day im gonna live in my own house with my own yard and my own decorations and my own furniture and my own kitchen and surround myself with only the people i want to be with and i’ll be able to sit on my porch and watch the sunrise and the sunset and the seasons come and go and things will be better

#i feel so stuck right now #i cant afford to move out and my future feels so uncertain #i dont want to be rich i just want to be able to afford my own things and live a life where i can just enjoy the small things #i want a house with a guest room to house my friends who want to come stay #and a yard where i can plant vegetables and herbs and flowers #and put up bird feeders and plant zinnias so goldfinches and purple finches and cardinals and blue jays and grackles will come visit #and a living room made up of furniture that ive pieced together over the years #and decorations on the walls that i put there #and a fridge and pantry full of the foods that i want to stock #and the ability to keep things as clean as i want them to be #to deep clean every monday like i used to do when i lived alone #to display the things i enjoy outside of just my room #to host dinner parties #to be able to just sit and be #i feel like a caged bird here i just want to have my own nest #things feel so overwhelming and upsetting right now but i know one day ill have moved on from this #ill have my own place where i can be myself and surround myself with safety instead of this hostile house

[victory-cookies]

for the first year ever— my aunt played the 12 days of Christmas in a lower key at our annual carol sing, meaning that I (the lone person singing “five golden rings” bc I’m the only fucking may baby and that’s how we organize the verses at this thing) didn’t have to choose between “embarrassingly low so that you’re bottoming out your vocal range and can’t be heard” and “full falsetto that will inventively end up sharp, flat, or both”. Bc that’s been my reality for like 15 fucking years at this point and it sucks every time bc I get a big spotlight on me and have to decide if I should sing low and quiet or high and pitchy. It’s hell. She realized by the tenth day this year that something must change and started playing in a lower key for the rest of the song. It was still bad but. Not as bad

#For context: every year my grandparents host a huge carol sing where all their family and friends gather to. well. sing Christmas carols #and the whole thing is sort of run by my aunt (a professional piano accompanist) and her husband (a professional singer and piano player) #so she will play all the music for the songs and the music book she uses has always been comedically bad for altos #like. to the point where the choir ladies who bring their little books that detail the harmonies in them complain about it every year #and as an alto myself I’m always stuck between singing a bit too high or a bit too low #and she has gradually be shifting stuff down but up until this year hadn’t done the 12 days of Christmas #and that’s the big finisher for us. everyone sings the number that corresponds with their birth month— it’s a whole thing #and every year I sing alone (or maybe. MAYBE with one other person if I’m lucky) and it always sucks bc I’m forced to sound really stupid #bc my range is shit and neither octave choice sounds good. #but at least this year it ended up sounding a little bit better. not by much but. it was appreciated

[rxtgallows]

being the same age as most long term lolitas were when they started getting into it but its different now bc there is just so much less of a community it feels like... like for me i feel more like i am finding a lot of individuals but no local communities bc its just rlly died down i think... like i found a 2013 pph article about a lolita meetup downtown. i dont think that wld happen now even if i COULD find a local community

#i think if theres not a lolita tea party/panel this year at pcm i will host one next year... #by then ill have been actively in the subculture for like a year and ill know a little more.. rn im JUST starting out i wld have no clue #what to do... but like i have ideas for stuff that wld be soo fun and ive always wanted to host/participate in an event or panel #once i was picked to participate in the fandom state alchemist test or w/e its called but then they wldnt let me after they saw my boot #which was so fail bc i absolutely cld have done tthe challenges with a broken foot. BLAH anyway #or like i hope they try the jfashion show again UGH probably not since it had to be cancelled due to lack of participation... #i jst would looove to have lolita friends in the area... idk how successful i wld be at converting someone and my sibling doesnt count #or ONE lolita friend... i only know of one lolita in maine and shes pretty well known in the NA lolita community from what i can tell so #ive met her a couple times actually she is very nice. idk what i am trying to say tbh #im more open to making friends at pcm in a lolita context and not a cosplay context bc every cosplayer ive interacted with for more than a #passing comment or picture turned out to be like umm a freak #or one of my moms students <- student who made all the dresses for the haunted town tour cosplaying kanaya that one year and then me showin #my mom the meetup pictures and her going omg.... thats d/////// #she was a really really incredibly seamstress btw her costumes were beautiful. anyway. iconic. #i think probably i havent talked to anyone in a while and it is wearing me down i have to make these massive posts every day

[palms-upturned]

.

#meg talks #god i am so fucking tired lately sksbdjjccj #came home from work today and made myself a quick dinner and after eating i immediately passed out for like an hour 💀 #there’s so much i gotta do in terms of cooking/chores but my body is just so worn out #which is why im late answering messages and stuff lately btw sjsbdjdb im not trying to ignore ppl #just. spoons in the negative. i can drop by and post my gay little thoughts every now and then but conversations i have to take slow #but yeah i am in dire need of a vacation skshdjdj ill have to put in a time off request soon… #just gotta decide how much time i wanna take off and when… #im just like god i hope i don’t have another medical emergency of some kind and regret not saving my pto 💀 #but i need REAL time off u know… time to relax instead of recovering/nursing ppl #at my first job i didn’t take a proper vacation for like two years and whew. there were Mental Consequences #now it’s been a year and a half at this job and the Consequences are hot on my tail #it’s just sad bc of covid u know. i can’t go anywhere nor host any friends for a visit #so ill just spend the whole time at home wishing i could be w my friends and family… 😔 #well. anyway. ill figure smth out #for now i just gotta get into a routine w the chores so im not dying sjbsdjhd #and also go talk to my fibro specialist abt adjusting my treatment to accommodate for lifestyle changes… #third floor apartment and walking to work and etc etc #sigh. im just tired man

[alienaiver]

family weekend has begun! they all remember me somehow

#my bonus family hosts like. a giant familt weekend (40+ people attending) #every year and theyve tried to invite me for many years #last year was the first time i went and it was actually so much fun (however tiring it also was) #and they all remember me p distinctly im surprised #theyve rented out this small boarding school and then we're all together until sunday #rn we're making the prep for the cake for tmrw's banquet :') #when i say 'we' i mean by friend whos the ultimate baker. im support KSKSKSKS #nohr.txt

[ajjconcertat2am]

still upset about the couple in my main friend group ghosting and blocking us all because we (the rest of us queer) call ourselves faggots

#also the poc friends saying their respective slurs #but its like oh so uou think were dirty for saying those words #you think we are gross nasty disgusting to be around so youll end a multiple year friendship without saying anything #ok #sbaisbsjs im sorry im just so upset #it was more than that too but i t really felt like every little thing they could scroung up to back that up #like u do that when u find out allegations not when someone said kms at a party once #they also thought we were having parties without them and lying about it like no!!!! #MY ROOMATES MOM DIED JESUS #AND WE WERE ALL BROKE CUZ GROCERIES WENT UP TRIPLE #like tbh everytime we had a party it got to a point it was always assumed and not asked we will host cuz they live with family still #which is fineeee cuz everyone in that friend group lives with family except the three of us who are roomates #but just cuz we are at home vibing with respective partners doesnt mean its automatically a party and without u #its us chilling at home #also they did this when i asked if they were coming to my roomates birthday who is supposably one of her best friends so im just like!!!!

[saviourkingslut]

something very rotten abt how a friend can become a chore and an obligation who you extend care for and go through the motions of friendship for bc of what they used to mean to you through no fault of their own. and they still feel very warmly for you but unbeknownst to them you can't return the feeling anymore. truly one of the worst things in life

#hashtag personal i guess #had a friend stay over for a few nights bc they needed to go to a multiple day thing in the area #and i have never felt less enthusiastic abt having someone over. i did the bare minimum of being a host #was gone almost the entire few days bc of work and other obligations and i was glad for it #bc every minute being home was grating. #every minute is listening to trauma or doubts or worries and giving pep talks and inspirational speeches #and generally being annoyed abt their conduct and view on life. which is unfair #bc i know they have so many difficulties w/ their mental health #but it's been neigh on three years of me and my internet friend being this other friend's primary line of support #it's exhausting. and my friend is so kind and she gives to people arounf them so much. #but every conversation for three years has mostly been abt. their issues. and i feel more like a parent than a peer at this point #> having to give life advice and talk them out of irrational thoughts and fears and trying to inspire self confidence and help with anxiety #it's not sustainable. for me or my other friend who's part of the support system. but what can you do #i should feel guilty but at this point im just. so done with it i only rarely feel it anymore #nigh* not neigh 💀 #curry rambles

[glitteratti]

wait i just started yhinking about hosting a passover seder. in my own home.

#.txt #i dont have a huge number of local jewish friends but it just sounds sooooo fun #might check with my roommates to see if i could maybe at least host my parents and sister if theyre okay with us being up probably WAY too #late LMAO #every year we HAVE to finish the seder ALL the way thru #last year we went to a family friend’s seder and they just stopped after the meal??? i was SO confused #like ummmmm EXCUSE ME THATS NOT RIGUT!!! #im just soooo excited this year omg

[what-even-is-sleep]

Mmmmmmm mad bc I am too empathetic and also on my period and that makes me more empathetic and I am MAD about it.

#mypost #the deets: #hosting a small get-together party and kindof invite this person (H) because she just came back from a semester off and used to kindof be #our friend via vicinity (lived on my dorm hall last year) #she’s gone through a lot in life and definitely should not be back in school in my opinion but this school is so fucking small that I #was inviting all her friends so I also invited her bc it’s not like I don’t like her #But! Every interaction I have with her is me taking care of her and I’m NOT able to do that right now #so I asked her to drink water bc she mentioned she was on meds and we’re drinking and again I am not mentally able to take care of people #And she fucking lied to me about when she was drinking - water and otherwise - and then passed out and became unresponsive. I cannot fuckin #take this rn

[oatbugs]

leaving holes (grief-deep clawmarks) on quincentenarian floors

#i saw my friend whom i met here the night b4 last night she gave me her bracelet ill think abt her forever #she was sipping on amaretto and she almost started crying she was talking abt how she wishes she didnt have to leave #and last year she hated it here and she grew to love it this year and actually globalisation and the transient nature of our #lives doesnt allow us to settle down and while its a wonderful opportunity she is tired of grieving everything she left behind #i know some constellations but ive not been able to identify in them in the sky for a while #3 days ago i traced the tattoo of someone with white hair and brown roots and piercings and a deep sense of guilt and a deeper addiction #of transient experiences . i looked up at the night sky (one hand in theirs their eyes on my neck) and i could finally see it #little bear on their arms in the sky in our eyes #a girl with black eyeliner and black hair and red lipstick marks all over her face told me about futile efforts and the way in which #transient experiences are the reason you weep and so by extension are the reason you grin . no laughter without the wailing. #stroked a cat i left behind i made a star on their hand watched the sunrise over the sea over and over and over and it was never enough #i grew up by the ocean and i become trapped when i leave the saltwater taste of it behind i grew up in a city and i become trapped when #i am not inhaling every kind of cancerous smoke there is. around people in a rush around random eye contact around the 4-minute friendships #in the underground around the million transient experiences you are hosted to . youve been here for 2 years youve been here your whole life #i wanted to kiss her so bad. or maybe i was fascinated by the idea of biting her collarbones . i wish i had slept in her house longer. #transience holds you like a gun.