#my teenage self is still riding the high off this one

[se-hace-camino]

that time a couple of weeks ago when I spotted myself in the mosh pit in someone else's story

#music #prison affair #my teenage self is still riding the high off this one

[leeknow-thoughts]

Tis the Season : Bang Chan

rating : mature(MDNI)

TWs : fluffy smut, fem!reader, petnames, dilf!chan and the reader is his girlfriend bc I am self indulging, breeding kink!??!?, degrading and praising combo !??!?, slight nipple play!??!, overall pretty vanilla tbh

"Okay we have like another two hours before they're gonna be waking up," Chan says as he glances at his watch.

You find yourself in a set of Christmas pajamas sitting on Chan's bedroom floor with him, wrapping the Christmas gifts for his twin daughters. Chan's face contorts with concentration as he builds one of his daughters, Minnie's, dollhouse.

You had it easy, you were just wrapping his other daughter, Ella's, Lego Friends set.

"Okay I think it's done," Chris sighs and moves to show you his work, "pretty good if I do say so myself!"

You smile, "I agree."

You finish tying the bow on the present as you move onto the next, and last, gift. "Here baby I'll wrap that for you, do you want to start putting the presents under the tree?" Chris inquires.

You nod happily and begin transporting the presents from you and Chan's bedroom floor to under the Christmas tree in the living room. Chris soon finishes wrapping that gift before moving the built dollhouse into the living room. After all the presents had been moved to under the tree, Chan hugged you. "We still have a little while until the girls wake up, you wanna have some fun or stay up?" he asks.

"What kind of fun?" you speak into his chest.

"Maybe a Santa and Mrs.Claus sexual roleplay?" he giggles.

You burst out laughing, clapping your hand over your mouth to prevent noises from escaping. You lean in and place a kiss on his plump lips after you contain yourself. "Only if I get to be Santa," you mumble on his lips.

He chuckles as he holds your face in his hands, "whatever you want sweetheart," he smiles and places another gentle kiss on your lips.

The walk into the bedroom is more of a run, like two teenagers who were left alone together for 5 minutes. Chris shuts and locks the door behind him. As soon as he does that you pounce on him.

Hastily pulling off his pajama shirt, leaving love bites and hickies all down his neck. You begin to trail down his chest, stopping at his nipple, looking him in his eyes before you tenderly take the bud in your mouth.

Chan slaps his hand over his mouth as you skillfully use your tongue on his nipple, alternating between left and right. "Fuck sweetheart," he whimpers through his hand.

Your hand moves down to cup his growing cock through the confines of his pajama pants. His fingers weave through your hair tenderly. You drop down onto your knees. But before you can move to pull his pants off he stops you with his hold in your hair.

"Babydoll c'mere I want you to ride my thigh," he says with the most innocent glint in his eyes, as if he wasn't about to get his dick sucked.

"You sure? I'm fine with sucking you off," you reassure.

"Watching you cum is easily better than just nutting down your throat," he affirms.

He lets go of your hair and helps you off the floor and onto the bed. You pull down your pajama pants and panties at the same time as Chris lays against the headboard. You settle over his right thigh, connecting your lips with his own. He guides your hips to grind on his thigh.

"Just like that little one, grind in little circles, I know that's what you like baby," he smirks as his helps you move your hips against his thick thigh.

You whimper as the fabric of his pajama pants rubs against your clit just right. You speed up your motions, trying to reach your high as fast as possible.

Letting whimpers slip from your lips as Chan works up your shirt so it's just over your tits. All he has to do is take your left nipple in his mouth and start sucking on the bud and then you're cumming all over his thigh.

You felt yourself slipping into that cozy and fuzzy headspace faster than you could stop yourself. "That's it my little love, such a good slut for me," Chan coos as he runs a hand through your hair, pushing it out of your face.

You sigh with a smile and he pulls his pants down enough so that his hard dick slaps against the bottom of his stomach. His flared mushroom tip is already leaking with precum as he strokes it a few times. "C'mon princess, wan' you to ride me," he whines.

"B-but I don't know how to?" you somehow find your words.

He smirks, "it's okay little one, I'll teach you," he reassures tenderly.

You adjust so you are hovering over his throbbing dick while facing him, "here you go," he says as he begins to guide you down onto his fat cock.

You wince a little at the stretch, no matter how many times you take his cock, it's so big you'll never get used to it. "Oh there you go biiiggg stretch, that's it," he murmurs into your ear.

Once you have taken all the cock you can, you pause for a moment to adjust, "now what?" you question.

"Bounce, bounce like a bunny," he instructs.

You start moving up and down, just like Chris instructed. His tip kissing your cervix every time you sink back down. Whimpers rolled off your tongue. "Oh attagirl, you're a natural," Chris pauses and throws his head back, "such a perfect cumdump for me."

His words pushed you farther into the headspace, where every sharp edge was soft and fuzzy. "Oh you are so far gone, it's adorable," he chuckles.

You begin bouncing faster, "breed... me," you plead.

"Yeah?" he coos, "yeah you want me to fuck all my cum into you, you want your belly to swell with my babies?"

You nod feverishly. By now Chris was also snapping his hips up, fucking his cock into your pussy. You felt him take one of your hands, moving it down to your belly.

You could feel his cock thrusting in you. You had stars in your eyes with a dumb look on your face. "Fuck- cumming-" Chris whimpers.

You felt it seep into, as he kept fucking it into you. You eventually moved your hand down to your clit, you began playing with it. And you almost instantly came all around his cock.

The next few minutes the only noise in the house was you and Chris' heavy breathing. He eventually pulled his softening cock out, kissing your forehead before pulling you into his chest to cuddle. "Merry Christmas my love," he hums tiredly.

"Merry Christmas," you return.

#bun.writes #bunwritesskz #bang chan #stray kids x you #bang chan x reader #stray kids scenarios #skz imagines #bang chan skz #bang chan smut #skz smut #skz #skz fanfic #skz x reader #skz hard hours #cb97 #stray kids smut #bunskinkmas.2023

[adawngswife]

sean diaz fluff alphabet (rq)

(A) attractive - what do they find attractive about u? how do they show this?

sean is attracted to anyone or anything that deviates the norm. dyed hair, unique background/perspective, and unconventional features. literally anything u think is unattractive and not up to the beauty standard about u, he probably rlly digs it. hell draw it in his journal always! but not in a way that comes across performative—he just draws u authentically. he doesnt feel the need to modify how u look in his art bc he thinks ure perfect as is (booo corny).

he shows his attraction through flesh-blazing, skull-burning staring. he analyzes his muses thoroughly after all... he knows where all ur freckles/moles are and can draw ur smile from sheer memory. in the months that he crushed on u, u couldn’t help but feel this pestering feeling of being watched in class constantly.

hes still a dorky teenage boy so if u share the same music taste as him or have the same hobbies hell geek out!! “no way she can skate AND listens to my favorite songs…” lyla will just roll his eyes at him in response. he acts like tom from 500 days of summer 😭

(B) baby - how do they act around kids?

sean definitely says he hates kids. hell talk about how annoying they are and use daniel as an example ALWAYS. that however does not hide the fact that he is REALLY good with kids. i wouldnt say its in a fatherly way but kids tend to look up to him as a cool older brother (even when he doesnt try to be one).

sean also secretly loves it when ur good with kids, despite him allegedly hating them. he cant help but grin ear-to-ear when he sees how happy u make daniel. once he becomes self-aware he tries to wipe his smile off asap. when u, sean, and daniel go out u guys are practically his parents. both of u know how to shut down daniels whining fast. albeit sean does more of the hushed, frustrated demands and u just try to defuse daniel.

(if u guys have ever seen the video of jake and tara with that baby thats how i imagine u guys with kids 😈 except ur both a mix of tara n jake)

(C) cuddle - how do they like to cuddle?

honestly the two of u can never decide who’s big spooning and who’s little spooning. to solve this issue the two of u just kind of… stack on top of each other.

esteban will do his routine dad check up on the two of u (preventing teen pregnancy) and walk into u guys jenga-ed on top of each other. ur legs are a tangled mess and u look like two corpses laid on top of each other. scrolling through ur phones while stacked is the go-to. ull be muffled chuckling into sean’s stomach at random videos for an hour…

while cuddling sean always traces little drawings/words on ur body. when u ask him whats hes drawing hell probably say its a dick LMFAO. so romantic 🙄

at the beginning of ur relationship, sean always felt the need to be the “man” and cradle u like some big infant. overtime he got more comfortable and whenever u guys watch movies on the couch hell be sprawled out on top of ur lap. one arm up supporting his head and a leg propped up like a princess xoxo

(D) dates - what are dates with them like? what do they like to do?

concerts, fairs!!! and MOVIES for sure

sean casually drops half his check on good seats for one of ur guys favorite band. the two of u have a tradition of replaying their music for weeks until the concerts about to start. it literally does not matter how many times uve gone to concerts with sean—u guys stay excited every single time. the after concert high is so good and u guys always kiss in the car afterwards. the two of u mess up each other’s hair and shuffle back in ur seats with swollen lips. sean backs out the parking lot while awkwardly clearing his throat 😭

SEAN IS SUCH A BIG FAIR GUY. he gives less than two shits if the pop-up fairs are shady and will probably collapse at the slightest gust of wind. he WILL take u on all the janky rides and tease u for being freaked out. he holds ur hand while giggling like a lil boy on the ferris wheel bc the creaking starts to freak the both of u out. he also tries to win fair prizes for u and say its a “bullshit scam” when he loses.

u beg him to go into the photobooth and take cute little couple-esque photos. he says “fineee” after some convincing with a smile and he avoids ur gaze after too. he definitely secretly wanted to the whole time though!! when they print out, they come out with those face-adjusting filters. u guys are WHEEZING laughing in front of the slot where they regurgitate out those abominations. sean puts it on the back of his phone case bc he thinks its so hilarious 😭

sean is a film nerd considering he had goodlands on his laptop. hes definitely up to date on any movie releases and will want to watch anything new with u. u guys always dissect the movie aggressively afterwards. the both of u will forever and always argue about which characters u liked and didnt over some takeout.

(E) equal - are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

sean on the regular is passive. he never was the “dominant” type to like… back u into corners. in fact he was really awkward when u first met him. hes lowkey scared of women 😭

it took him a while to get comfortable/assertive. by “comfortable” i mean gaining the ability to tease u back LMAO. when he first gave u a snarky remark ur jaw kind of hung open and u guys HAVENT STOPPED SINCE. overall, sean usually was the one to wait for u to initiate something. he never wanted to put u in a situation ud be uncomfortable with.

(F) fight - would they be easy to forgive their s/o? how are they fighting?

u guys fight like an old married couple. playful arguments always happen but once it becomes serious/personal things go south. one thing leads to another and the two of u just get agitated with each other

when u guys do seriously fight sean eventually lets u have ur way ALWAYS. he always prioritizes what u need/feel in the end and is really good at saying sorry. a part of him feels like big fights indicate ull leave him so hell always choke out things like “i just dont wanna lose you” after arguments. it sounds really dramatic but he has DEEP-rooted abandonment issues. hell hold u—whether it be an embrace or ur hand just to feel comforted afterwards.

(G) gentle - how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?

GAWWWWWWWWWDAUH sean is so incredibly very gentle. sure, he teases u sometimes but in the end, again, he always makes sure ur comfortable! he asks u if ur okay when u look clearly overstimulated/out of it.

physically, sean doesnt mess around. he will constantly playfully shove u, mess with ur hair, etc. obviously its never to the point where it hurts but this is the only way he can get his daily dose of pda, so!

(H) hugs - do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?

sean is crazy on back hugs. he will always surprise u with one and he WILL trap u in it. ull be walking around his house and chatting with his leech-self wrapped around u. he likes nuzzling his nose in and u can feel his lips curl into a smile on the nape of ur neck when u make a joke (😢)

sean takes the opportunity to embrace u at any moment of privacy hes given. when daniel or esteban catches him he immediately flings off u and starts stuttering LMAO. hes kind of lanky so if anything his clothes are what cushion u. BUT he is very warm and is a personal heater #tbh. who needs a coat when u have sean???

(I) i love you - how fast did they say the l-word?

i feel sean is VERY quick to fall in love but takes forever to actually utter the words out. he will have a love at first sight moment with u and only have the feelings grow bigger and bigger as time goes on. sean is overall a reserved person and wouldnt go out of his way to tell u, no matter how much lyla encouraged him.

he would only say it once it becomes overbearing for him. like, to the point where the extent he loves u has become pervasive and PERSISTENT. it will just explode out of him at some pivotal moment. u guys will be laughing hysterically at something only u guys would laugh at. then, boom, it slips out like its something he had to swallow back down a hundred times before. because its so sudden, it will definitely catch u off guard.

he would repeat it because he didnt think u heard it the first time like a dork. his stomach acid is doing fucking somersaults at this point. u will visibly see this guy’s face drop and his hands start to fiddle anxiously. his eyes will kind of dart all over ur shocked face in fear. he’ll choke a lil “sorry i have no clue why i even said that-“

u lean in and the rest is history 🤓

(J) jealousy - how jealous do they get? when do they get jealous?

sean is always a bit wary of specific guy friends or potential suitors u have in ur life. again, sean picks up on LOTS that most people brush over. he knows when people flirt with u and he always bites his tongue before he says anything.

whenever u talk about other people too much, he gets a little… sassy. ull be thanking some guy in ur class for giving u the answers and hell be grumbling “i wouldve gave them to u…” under his breath. u shoot a look at him and he just defensively puts his arms up LMAO. he never seems to stop either. the amount of times u caught him rolling his eyes… criminal.

(K) kisses - what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss u? where do they like to be kissed?

sean is so shy when it comes to kisses. when u first began dating, sean never kissed u without a shy “can i?” before. he never knew when was appropriate or if u wanted to kiss him at all. his ears would flare up in red and his eyebrows would furrow in concentration each time.

overtime, as he got more comfortable, sean began finding the “right times” himself. whenever u leave his house he always gives u a quick peck. daniel never misses his opportunity to scream “EWW” as loud as he can. sean will be like “one more” and smooch ur cheek and then say “wait another one” and just KEEP GOING. if he wore lipstick u would look like u were dunked in a pig’s blood.

smiling into the kiss happens without fail—every single time. sean cant help himself, hes a lover boy!! he will always slowly open his eyes and pray u wont catch him sneaking a look. once he pulls away, he laughs while covering his mouth with his wrist. he gets butterflies still, no matter how many times u kiss 😭 im sick.

(L) love language - what is his love language?

sean’s family is big on quality time so he definitely prioritizes it. impromptu hangouts are his absolute favorite and if he could, hed spend every hour he could with u. sean never fails to randomly invite u over and hold u at gunpoint to do family time with him, daniel, and esteban.

also sean is a big gift giver! he will always give u doodles of ur favorite characters and little things that remind him of u. u guys have matching pins, keychains, bracelets, etc. not only does he go all out, but he also knows EXACTLY what u like. again, sean is the most attentive bf ever. hes the kind of man who would spend hours making coraline dolls of u two.

(M) mornings - how are mornings spent with him?

sean is not a morning person. he is almost always running late to first period, so oftentimes u cover for him. he will come to class with messy hair and will lizard-blink at literally anything u say. when u tell him that u gave the teacher an excuse, hell let out a croak-ey "thanks" and he will on a 99% chance knock out right after. he'll probably dazily open his eyes at u every so often and go back to sleep LMAO.

on weekends, sean will... barely be awake for mornings. ull be up and ready, watching hawt dawg man on the couch with daniel while eating cereal. sean shortly comes out of his mancave, stretching and yawning. hell come to lean on ur shoulder and stare blankly at the screen. its never particularly productive but sean couldnt care less honestly.

(N) nicknames -what does he call u?

sean has a disdain for nicknames. uttering any of them out loud just seemed so embarrassing to him… unless he’s making fun of them. he does however love “girlfriend.” its not exactly a nickname but he loves saying ur his girlfriend or “my girlfriends coming over” to people.

at a certain point he started using it in sentences that wouldn’t make sense. he’d go “hi girlfriend” every time he sees u. he’s so stew peed… 😢

(O) on cloud nine what is he like when he’s in love? is it obvious for others?

lyla never hears the end of u. shell be talking about something entirely unrelated and sean will be disassociating with his mouth open. when he finally snaps back into reality the first thing that comes out of his mouth is “do u think she would find it a turn off that u drive me everywhere?…“

“yeah obviously— were u even listening sean?”

“mm okay…” he just goes back to tuning her out again LMAO.

esteban will be asking for his tools from sean and he’d be totally zoned out just thinking about u. esteban will pull himself out from under the car and groan “augh… lover boy…” without sean even saying anything to him… so yes hes obvious.

(P) pda - is he upfront about your relationship? does he brag about you with others? or he rather shy to kiss, etc. when others are watching?

i already wrote on this but sean would rather keep intimate contact privately. that is, unless hes really in the heat of the moment. for example, at a concert hed just get so riled up. the lyrics of the song perfectly aligning with the way he feels about u MIGHTTT just make him collide lips with u, who knows! at special moments he won’t hesitate to kiss u but he’s just usually not a show-ey person.

too many times have the two of u attempted to sneak away to be romantic alone and gotten caught. whether it be lyla, esteban, daniel, or any of sean’s guy friends—they always tease u guys. lyla is so dramatic and she’d probably do the most, screaming and squawking when all she sees is sean hugging u 😭

(Q) quizzes - how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing or do they kind of forget everything?

just like i mentioned earlier, sean remembers every little thing. he knows which side of ur smile leans more toward, the distinctive mole on ur arm, etc etc etc. he loves u like how a husband with a camcorder loves his late wife <3

sean has pulled multiple joe goldbergs before u started dating. he will give u some small knick knack of ur favorite video game/show/band and ull thank him, visibly confused on when u mentioned it. hell notice and just go “i heard u talk about it like three months ago.” he only realizes HOURS LATER how creepy he sounded and his ass will start sliding down a wall dramatically in his room.

(R) rosy - what makes them blush?

sean is quick to blush. honestly, any time u guys are intimate in any sort of way his ears are probably burning up. he’ll try to hide that he’s nervous by giving u quick one-liners back but inside his heart is RACING.

(S) security - how protective are they? how would they protect you?

sean goes to great lengths to protect people he loves, like u. in relation to actual life is strange 2 lore, sean definitely does anything in his power to not involve u in the incident. if u try to contact him or find him, he’ll probably be EXTREMELY upset. at first, all he can think about is how much he wants u away from all this mess. he just wants u to live a normal life—and if that meant being far away from him he’d be okay with it. u would beg him to let u back in his life and eventually, with much hesitation, he’d oblige. keeping u alongside daniel on the road allowed u to see another side to sean. he had been hit and came back up so many times just for u. all he wants in his life is to keep u safe.

exempt from life is strange 2 lore, sean always does little things to keep u safe. there are many times where he treats u like daniel—aka a big baby LMAO. he’s big on acts of service as well so he’ll always make u walk on the inside of the sidewalk, hold ur hair away from ur face when it’s windy, help u jump off of places too high up, etc.

(T) try - how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?

he’s so bf coded of course he puts maximum effort at all times! he gets crafty for you every anniversary—a collection of drawings of u and a curated playlist/burnt cd is the MINIMUM he’s capable of. he’s the kind of boyfriend that can actually pick up on subtleties. something u mentioned liking once? it’s now in his cart.

when sean feels like switching it up he’ll try to do things he’s not used to like pottery and completely fail 😭. he has some place in the back of his closet for all the clunky diy gifts he’s tried to make for u in the past. despite this, he’ll give u a perfect trinket dish and u’ll wonder how he’s so good at everything… well, one day in his room he’ll ask u to go get something from his closet. u go inside and see a cardboard box with 15 versions of that very same trinket dish he made.

(U) understanding - how well do they know their partner?

sean does his best at understanding you as a person. when u talk about complicated emotions and unique experiences he doesn’t quite share, he’ll have this really pensive expression. he nods along and tries to understand ur perspective to the best of his ability. because of this, its really easy to open up to sean.

sean has you down to a T. hes so so so perceptive and knows when u feel uncomfortable. a small falter in ur smile, the glossy glint in ur eyes, ur lip quivering, he sees it ALL. he will immediately try to get u out of whatever situation ure in.

(V) vanity - how concerned are they with looks?

he could give less than two farts tbh. he loves when u look like a mess, more drawing opportunities for him. he however will make a big deal about looking good in front of u. he will be styling his hair for an hour in front of the mirror before going on a date with u, hogging the bathroom. he also practices the way he approaches u and lays out his outfits to impress u LMAO.

(X) xtra headcanon

sean loves cats so much. if u have a cat, he will spend the whole time at ur house trying to befriend them. bro will be crawling all over ur house on all fours... it gets to the point where u guys can never pass by a petsmart without sean making an impromptu visit to see the cats. plus, u guys have matching cat profile pictures!!!

(Y) yearning - how will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

sean coops up and calls and texts u as much as u can. its to the extent where he will send u nonsensical texts just so he can open ur guys' chat. ur phone will be vibrating so much and out of curiosity ull open it to just see random symbols and letters strung together. he'll send u random photos throughout the day that remind him of u and make unplanned video calls. u guys do mundane tasks together in silence for HOURS. they never fail to end with him just falling asleep on call.

(Z) zzz - what are their sleep habits?

sean is NOT a morning person. because daniel’s usually the one that wakes him up, he will slam a pillow into ur face when ur just trying to wake him up. he will open his eyes to see u and mumble a “shit sorry…” and snake his hand around u back into bed. he will hold u PRISONER under those sheets. if u try to shuffle out he will snake another arm around u. u're essentially held hostage until sean decides he wants to set u free... cruel world.

unfortunately i feel like this is very lackluster and COULDVE BEEN BETTER idk. also not proofread so sorry if this was... inchuresting to read... it also sucked me dry so i think i may have to start writing ACTUAL fanfics instead of hcs😢😢😢 thank u if u did enjoy though...

#life is strange 2 #sean diaz #sean diaz hcs #sean diaz x reader #daniel diaz #esteban diaz

[ineffectualdemon]

Wei Wuxian is, unfortunately, not the self destructive MXTX protagonist

He had phases:

Phase one: reckless teenager who just doesn't consider consequences because he's a dumb teenager. Not self destructive just high int low wis stat because he's literally like 15

Phase two: self destructive but in the "traumatised youth who is self medicating his pain away and also going through his tortured genius phase" which to be fair his peers were also going through their own mental health struggles at the time so no one was riding the mentally stable train. Even without dying this was hopefully a temporary phase. If he was a millennial he would have been really into My Chemical Romance during this time

Phase three: not self destructive, trying to get OUT of situations but still ending up IN situations despite his best efforts but generally giving off a "I'm a dad and too tired for this drama. I just want to go sight seeing"

Xie Lien from what I understand wasn't so much self destructive as deeply depressed (still haven't finished the book)

Shen Qingqiu on the other hand

The man never met an obstacle where he didn't at least consider literally dying as the solution

He tries to literally self destruct the first time during Sha Hualing's raid on Cang Qiong when poisoned hoping to take her out with him and is only stopped by Liu Qingge showing up

Actually self destructs when Binghe comes back to "fake" his death and also calm Binghe's ass down

His plant body death wasn't his fault I'll give him that

Risks death for Binghe in the mausoleum several times

Self destructs AGAIN at Maigu Ridge to restore Binghe's mind and only lives because the system took pity on him

I'm guessing the only reason he stops self destructing for Binghe is because Binghe destroys Xin Mo and maybe because he realised it makes Binghe too sad idk

Anyway Shen Qingqiu is the only truly and literally self destructive MXTX main character and that's why he's the best and worst and just most character ever

#mxtx #svsss #mdzs #wei wuxian #shen qingqiu #xie lian

[olliesneweyes]

Some headcanon deductions based off of my headcanon/kin Emil :3

1. Warm: The default state of being, and all that anyone truly ever wants.

A photograph: a mother and father stand each side of a young child. Their hands do not touch.

2. A lamb: Little knowledge, little skills, little idea when to run away.

A photograph: A sick boy leans half-heartedly on his unconscious mother's chest in the street. His crying eyes are wide as they reflect the flash of the camera. The world screams to a halt for him.

3. Empty home: Even with the strange food and the scary voices and the loud noises you can hear, the thing that hurts the most is the need to stay awake.

A diary entry: All that boy's good for is sympathy! He's hopeless at stealing, or tricking, or lying, or anything else we do. I'd be better off raising more hounds than keeping this useless brat!

At the very least, I could make it fun for me to watch.

4. Trapped: You thought you could run away, but the roars of the crowd only got closer and closer.

A diary entry: Damn it all! I thought they would have torn him to shreds, but he managed to fight his way out. looks like he has some strength to him.

The crowd cheered more than I've ever heard them before. I could certainly use his win for a profitable idea...

5: A mutt: maybe this isn't so bad after all...

A photograph: A teenager, bloody and bruised and scarred, is lying asleep on the bottom of a cramped cage. Shackles are locked tight around his ankles. There's a cracked bowl of "food" laying clearly out of reach. It is swarmed by maggots. Despite everything, he looks oddly happy. Must be a nice dream he's having. Shame that it'll be interrupted soon.

6. Stare: You're such an unsightly thing, aren't you?

A diary entry: I saw something on my walk today. I thought it may have been a dog, or some strange lamb, so I wandered up to it. But they were human as they uncurled themselves from where they must have been asleep.

I didn't want to run, I just... panicked. I couldn't find them again to apologise. I hope prayer will be enough. I'm so sorry...

Your son, A. K.

7. Rain: Wash away the filth, the pain, the memories...

A patient record:

Found: on white sand street.

Identity: "Emil"

Age: ?? (16+)

Reasons for institutionalisation: high fever, amnesia, talking to self, disobedient, laziness, bad company.

Suggested treatment: Obedience training involving electroshock therapy and sedatives between. Should be muzzled until trained into not biting. Should be strapped down until trained into not wandering.

8. Gentle words: The faux feeling of safety lifts you up and drops you back down without you having to think... up...down...up...down...sleep.

A medical note: "Emil" has been reacting well to the sedative treatments. However, he currently needs painful stimuli in order to keep himself awake. The ideal state is barely conscious enough to function, so alterations are needed.

The training has, however, gone wonderfully. It has removed his desire to fight or run away completely, although he still freezes up occasionally. It appears he's still having hallucinations.

9. Stressed: That whistle hurts your ears... In fact, everything has hurt more since she appeared.

A small note: a set of neat curly handwriting reads "Ada or medicine?". A different set of shakier handwriting replies "medicine. please". The note is stained with tears.

10: A carriage ride: You've always loved watching the world swim through your glassy eyes.

A photograph: Two men wearing dark clothes are talking to each other to the side of a carriage. One of the men is handing over a hefty sum of money to the other. The one recieving it holds a letter in his hand.

Next to them, a smaller, younger man sits cross legged, wrapping a dandelion clock he picked around his fingers. He looks exhausted, or maybe just empty, but there's a smile on his face as the seeds catch in his hair.

#Ollie writes #should I maintag this #idv #identity v

[carsontumbleweed]

So i know I don't shut up about wanting to rewrite clone high but I actually started to put some ideas together. (Only gotten tophers and harriets designs down that's why there's only them. Topher sucks at gym)

But when I started to redesign and rewrite I decided I wanted to go all out cause you know self indulgence

Usually redesigns and yeah I changed the news character a bit. Basically just an au? Sometimes I changed stuff about their designs I didn't even hate like I don't hate the idea of Harriet having poofy pink hair, I don't mind fridas design except the colors I guess, I don't hate tophers design at all but I kind of just ended up changing it anyway for fun so please please please don't see this as me just hating on season two I'm just very obsessed with season one

I didn't make this to particularly hate on season two or anything but I've just been so hyper fixated on clone high recently and rewriting this and putting ideas together for characters I love so much is just so fun?? Like I am so happy doing it I can't even explain it. At first I wasn't sure about actually doing it because some people like season 2 and I think there are alot of things wrong with it but its fine for people to enjoy it of course. But again I'm doing this for fun and mainly kinda self indulgence. Stimming like so much even typing about it ughhh.

So I started to put ideas together. Revamping the new characters in a way. Again please see this as a dumb au this is just my opinions and stuff

Harriet: I actually really enjoy Harriet(not the design) but I was for them to amp her up by a lot? She was quirky she was fun I guess. In the rewrite I took alot of inspo from Ocean from ride the cyclone. I wanted to make her more preppy, more of an overachiever. I imagine she can be a little annoying sometimes but that's the fun of it. I imagine she definitely still talking drama and stuff but she's actually a lot nicer than Cleo was s1(depending if you get on her good side)

Topher: Tophers already an alright written character at least at first before they make him into a plot device to be thrown away easily. Since Abes the main character I guess he'd get more time 'on screen'. He's definitely that weird kid stereotype but I wanted to amp up his meanness, a big thing with clone high is that their stereotypes of teens Abes the awkward teenage guy, Joans the angry emo girl, Cleos popular. So I wanted to go more into his mean aspect and make him kind of 'emo' in a way?? If I had to describe it best it'd be in a 'mom get out of my room!!!!' Sort of way. He makes Abe kind of miserable by being negative and mean and doesn't notice that he brings people down is probably the reason he doesn't have friends. Abe and tophers friendship will most likely be on and off depending on the 'episode' but Topher does end up having an infatuation with Abe despite that.(no the stuff in ep8 doesn't happen don't get me started on the writing) He's annoying about it though. very try hard. Average white male on reddit going 'its fine to kiss your only male friend cause its totally platonic, I'm just preparing to kiss for the women you know. ' the reason he doesn't admit he's gay is cause he thinks being a straight male ally makes him look good despite the fact he's just some annoying and pathetic loser. He also copies Abes homework and steals his stuff.

Abe: I absolutely despise the fact they made him say slurs in the first episode when Cleo Joan and jfk were all right there. S1 clone high condemned them for that too because it was a satire! They literally comment on how bad Cleo is and yet s2 switches that just because it doesn't like Abe. Do not get me wrong Abe is not some perfect angel but I even enjoy when he is frustrating and I hate how the writers just went with the fanon versions of the characters. Okay rant over. Abes still the mc and I do want to comment on how the perception of 'nice guys' have changed. He's not a bad guy, he's just some teenage boy trying to Get a girl though. In the rewrote Abe goes back to being nervous around his crushes(Joan) but he's Still figuring himself out if he truly loves joan(even in the ending cliffhanger he's still unsure!!) I think part of him would be mad that she slept with JFK but also way too awkward to really have an argument about it. Imagine sputtering and stammering and he ends the sentence with hm..... And stares at her longingly and yes there ill be a dumb misunderstanding trope and now she thinks he hates her.

Cleo: girls one of my favorites in season 1 because she's funny to watch however I really hate how its so ignored that she's a bigot to Gandhi and homeless and poor people and lets be real a lot of other people(on the website see how she treats marie curie). Cause she's like that. Something I like about it though is that I always felt it was making fun of HER for being dramatic and shallow, she's a satire of a popular girl who thinks that she's better than everyone and in my opinion she's mainly well written in that way(I do have some problems with the writing obviously but yk) i think I've already explained a little about what will happen to her. When she gets unfrozen, she loses her captain of the cheerleading squad she's no longer the lead if every club and she's no longer the queen bee, her cat dies, her boyfriend breaks up with her and leaves her crying on prom night, and eventually she gets cancelled for saying stuff. I think ill make her kind of become an outcast (it becomes so bad she even resorts to talking to Topher, though its mainly insulting) she actually goes a little crazy and ruins Abes car a little, modern tv dramas usually do go crazy with plots and 'crazy insane girls' is a fair trope so I thinks its a pretty fair thing to say. Also since toots is still dead she still shares a room with Joan. Cleos insanely bitter about it

Frida: fridas basically the cool girl sterotype. She doesn't say much but literally everyone adores her(at least the new clones) ill give her some stuff like she's the class president and she dies run against Abe. She actually has trouble finding meaning in her art cause its kind of bland and she thinks she's living up to her clone mother just fine. She doesn't get with Cleo just yet but this is early in the rewrite and I want to take things slow and let them flow naturally. fridas still friends with harriet, who manages her campaign and stuff and I want to go more into their dynamic.

Confucius: he's mainly the same for some parts, I wanted to make him more than just some stupid tiktok jokes thougjh. I also leaned into more if him being a bad person in a way? (Hint hint Confucius was very into morals) and he'll do just about anything to get clout and stay amount the popular kids. He's in a cringey on and off relayionship with Harriet (think like any highschool couple) they fight a lot but they usually get back together and make out. Its annoying for everyone

Joanfk: I've never been a huge joanfk fan to be honest but since I'm only going off s1 cause s2 joanfk is ooc and soooooo annoying to me. No they don't date immediately, to be honest JFK sleeps with every girl in the school and she was just another one off the list even if he did feel for her issues. Since Joan thinks Abe is mad at her, they do actually end up talking and at first Joan starts to go on about how that was a 'slut thing to do' JFK tries to reassure her and such not trying too much. I do want them to get together for a little bit, Joans probably not used to guys actually liking her so she's a little open to it? But their break up is alot different. I want to go full satire like JFK and her fight like siblings over stiff and they see it as less romantic and more as friends, JFKs very shocked when he actually doesn't want to kiss her and he's all like 'ew!!! I've never liked a girl platonically before!! What the fuck.' (As much as I'm alright with joanfk s1 wise I think liking someone for who they are is the bare minimum in a relationship, its great that JFK likes her for who she is but he also likes every girl for who they are because he's a manwhore and the idea of them being more of a brotp is more fun to me)

Ill still add kahlopatra maybe but slowburn. Cleo IS a bigot though she'll have to real development I'm not just gonna put them together too quickly.

Note if you noticed Topher looks more rat like that is on purpose rats did come over with Columbus in a way and they are also disease carriers. And no he's not skinnier its just more distributed

Forgit to mention a lot more historical jokes cause the fact that they're historical figures just makes everything funnier to me

That being said I kind of hate shipping in clone high cause I always felt it was more about comedy and character dynamics. Shipping is cool I guess but I don't like watching a show just to see two characters kiss

okay I'm done I'm free.

#clone high #clone high fanart #clone high topher #topher bus #abe lincoln #clone high cleo #clone high frida #clone high au #joanfk #clone high joan of arc #clone high joan #clone high jfk #JFK #clone high confucius #clone high harriet tubman #clone high Harriet #clone high abe #fanart #Obviously not ship art of harriet and Topher lolll

[penroseparticle]

6, 16, 25, 42

6.Age you get mistaken for

I am locked in at around 25 for most people, I think due to still having current lingo (Thank you working with teenagers), being a bit silly, and looking fully grown man but not aged. I'm excited to be locked in around 40 when my whites fully salt and pepper my hair, at least at that point when someone calls me daddy it'll be correct

16. I’ll love you if

I'll love you if you bring me a Diet Coke. Or indicate in any way that it's us vs. literally anyone else, I'm a ride or die teammate.

25. My idea of a perfect date

I meet you. It is high 60's so we can get away with, well, basically any clothing we want to wear. We go for a short walk where we excitedly talk about the cool places we are going and what we are interested in.

We get food. It is probably tacos, it definitely isn't expensive, and I take a chance to establish early that this is my perfect date, we are kissing damn it. Also I am physical and tactile so I will hold your hand, arm around your shoulders, etc.

Make out break. Hands under shirts but still respectable. 20-30 minutes. Enough to make us late to the next thing but this is all self timed and only we can tell.

Dancing? I like a good club time. Or just a dive bar or sports bar I am not picky. I want to get a whiskey drink, do a lil grindin, and make lazy innuendos.

5. A late walk home. Drop you off at your place, make out a bit more, call you seconds after leaving your doorstep. Alternately, I come inside and one or both of us video games until we fall asleep on the couch.

42. The last thing I ate

I actually... got tacos. Me and my work husband... went on a short walk in the high 60's... to get tacos. Huh.

I might be predictable.

#ask meme #lauralot89

[taruchinator]

⭐ Explicit Content

⭐ 1.5k Words

⭐ For the @starshippingweek exchange!

“Are you sure this is okay?”

“Yusei, I swear to God if you ask that one more time—”

This was definitely not the situation Judai had anticipated getting himself into— Laying on his creaky hotel bed in the middle of nowhere, lower garments discarded into a corner of the room, with Yusei looking up at him between his legs asking for permission to eat him out for the hundredth time.

This is a fic for the Starshipping Holiday Exchange for my giftee @stardustneeko! They didn't have specific prompts, so I just went with the smut vibes they gave me and tried working something fluffy/passionate?

Regardless, I hope you like it Neeko! So sorry it's late, but I hope you have a wonderful New Year!

“Are you sure this is okay?”

“Yusei, I swear to God if you ask that one more time—”

This was definitely not the situation Judai had anticipated getting himself into— Laying on his creaky hotel bed in the middle of nowhere, lower garments discarded into a corner of the room, with Yusei looking up at him between his legs asking for permission to eat him out for the hundredth time.

The day started normally enough.

A few months after the battle against Paradox that had him thinking he'd never see his new friends ever again, Judai was pleasantly surprised to find the Stardust Dragon user at the doorstep of the hotel he was staying at.

Greetings and hugs were exchanged, with the brunet trying to wrap his head around how Yusei was even here. After a brief and summarized explanation, he made it clear he'd found a way to travel between their timelines without any repercussions, so long as they stayed out of trouble and didn't disturb important sequences of events.

“I really wanted to see you again… And Yugi-san, too! Of course!” The raven had said with that awkward handsome smile that had Judai's heart doing backflips.

After chatting and catching up on each other's lives, it was clear there was some underlying… tension between them. Certain looks and lingering touches that had both young men blushing like high school teenage girls. And even though Judai had been aware of his feelings for Yusei for a while now, he didn't know if the other felt the same.

At least not until today.

“Judai-san… I really like you. As in… more than a friend.” The riding duelist confessed to him as they were having dinner. Well, more like take out fried shrimp from Judai's favorite restaurant which got delivered to the hotel, but what does it matter? “O-Of course I completely understand if you don't see me the same way and wish for us to stay friends. Or… if you're not comfortable with that anymore…”

Not even allowing him to finish that sentence, Judai immediately leaned across the futon and pulled the man against him, crashing their lips into a fiery kiss. The brunet wasn't usually this bold— he blamed Yubel for that one, certainly.

And so, a few kisses and hot touches later, that's how they found themselves in their current position.

“I just don't want to make you uncomfortable.” Yusei steered the conversation back to their dilemma, as dripping wet lips greeted him once he pulled off Judai's underwear. “I don't want us to rush this and you end up regretting it later…”

If he was being completely honest, the brunet had lost himself in the moment that he didn't even remember he hadn't told Yusei that he was trans. But he could honestly care less.

Sure, he'd sometimes feel a bit self-conscious when looking into a mirror, but the way Yusei was holding him in such a gentle embrace, he knew the other man would still respect his wishes if something made him feel icky.

“I'm too horny to be having this discussion, Yus.” Judai half-jokingly huffed with a smile, but quickly went to reassure his partner. “I'll tell you if something doesn't sit right with me. If anything, you should be the one freaking out right now! No hard feelings if you don't wanna keep going.”

At that, Judai could see Yusei's blue gaze sharpen in a, dare he say, possessive manner? The raven spread his legs further apart, chin resting just above his pelvis as he almost purred in response. “Nothing could ever make me find you unattractive, Judai-san. If anything, this only makes you a sexier man in my book.”

Judai's face instantly lit aflame, his cunt spasming at the words coming out of Yusei’s mouth. He would've never pictured him saying such dirty things, and yet here they were. “C-Cut it out with the honorifics and just get to it already! Before I change my mind!”

With a soft chuckle, the raven smiled in return. “It would be my pleasure.”

Yusei was extremely gentle in his ministrations, rubbing soothing circles across Judai's thighs as he placed soft wet kisses here and there, leaving trails of saliva anywhere his mouth touched. The brunet hummed in delight, but could feel the ache in his core letting him know where he wanted the other man to touch him.

Thankfully his wishes were quickly granted, as a wet sensation that could only be described as Yusei's tongue began to move across his outer lips. Judai almost let out a gasp of pleasure, but was quick to slap a hand across his mouth to try and keep the noise to a minimum. The tenants were kind enough to let him crash in this room from time to time free of charge— the least he could do was spare them the embarrassment of hearing him cry out like a dog in heat.

Yusei took tentative licks, getting to know Judai's pussy as he moved along and trying to see what made him tick. Everything from outer lips to going straight inside, slurping the sweet juices that were beginning to drip down his chin as a reward from doing a good job. One hand continued to run down the brunet's leg, while the other started occasionally rubbing against his clit.

It was taking every fiber of Judai's being to keep his sounds to heavy breathing and occasional low moans. How was the riding duelist so good at this? Had he by chance done this before?

Catching his breath and placing both hands on the raven's hair, he knew he had to get his attention before things got messy. “Y-Yusei— ahh!— if you keep going I'm gonna—”

But Yusei didn't stop. In fact, those words seemed to spur him on since he started sucking on Judai's sensitive nub in delight. “Go ahead, then.”

“N-No! N-No fair! I wanna…” Judai's moans were starting to escalate by the second, making him wonder if this was even real or just another dream. “I wanna suck you off too!”

It took him about ten seconds to process what he'd just blurted out— bringing him nothing but humiliation and another red face at being caught expressing his true feelings. It was also the exact time it took Yusei to remove himself from the wet cunt in front of him to stare up at those chocolate brown eyes. A smirk had developed on his lips, which were red and swollen from their wonderful ministrations.

Slifer, the sight alone almost made him cum.

“If you wanted us to cum together all you had to do was say so.” Yusei spoke smoothly, standing up from his position at the end of the bed and then proceeding to crawl on top of the smaller male. His eyes held a glint of mischief, but for the most part, Judai knew he wasn't being mocked seriously.

It didn't make it any less embarrassing, though. “Well yeah, it's kinda unfair if I'm the only one without pants in this room…”

Another kiss, this one much less heated than the one they started with, but nevertheless filled with passion and desire for one another. Judai wrapped his arms around the other's neck, pulling him closer to feel his warmth.

Yusei's lips found themselves traveling across the brunet's neck as well, leaving feather light kisses anywhere his mouth could reach. His broad hands began to move up and down Judai's waist, until they slowly made their way under his shirt and across his chest.

That immediately broke Judai out of the pleasurable trance he was in. He pushed the man away, looking up at him in slight disgust, only to be brought back to reality as he remembered where and who he was with. “Shit! S-Sorry, Yus! I didn't mean to do that! I mean, I did, but not like that! It's just—”

“Hey, it's okay! Don't apologize.” Yusei raised his hands to show he meant no harm. His eyes were laced with concern and kept flickering between Judai's face and shirt. “I'm guessing the chest is off limits?”

“Yeah…” The brunet adjusted his binder out of habit, remembering a fleeting conversation he had with Yubel once over how he had to replace the old thing. That's the way they showed their concern. “Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the mood. I'm not totally… fine with it yet? Ugh, it's hard to explain.”

“Like I said,” Yusei tentatively shimmied closer, holding his hand and placing a soft kiss against it, “there's no need for you to apologize for something like that.”

Judai smiled in return. He'd definitely made the right call in trusting Yusei with this.

The raven head then raised his eyebrows slightly, turning to look at him from in between his fingers since he was still holding his hand. Another purr left his lips which had Judai's body shaking in what could only be described as pure desire. “I should probably ask— how do you feel about marks?”

Another shiver and a gulp.

He could hear Yubel's teasing on the inside of his skull, but at this point he'd grown used to it.

Tonight was going to be interesting, to say the least.

✦ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐌𝐲 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐝 𝐓𝐨 𝐅𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐬! ✦

#my stories #yugioh #yugioh gx #yugioh 5ds #yusei fudo #jaden yuki #yusei x jaden #jaden x yusei #starshipping #smut

[chat-rouge-et-bleu]

i don't know how to feel about the Christmas ep cos om the one hand i enjoyed it which could be said to be the only real goal of watching a show, but on the other hand so many elements frustrated me. realistically that is my whole opinion, but autism has decreed tis not enough and so i must waffle!

i like that the first solo scene of ncuti he's in a club in a kilt just going for it. so often new doctors are introduced straight away with the companion and not alone and so it's nice to see a doctor regenerate and his first action to be go out alone and explore his new body and his new reality and just kind of let loose, though im not sure he'd be such a good dancer after a day of being but I'll allow it. the outfit changes and slightly more 'out there' pieces do point to the showrunners trying something new with dressing the doctor and having it be more self expression and less a strict uniform (like do the previous doctors just have duplicates of their outfit hiding in the tardis??), it's an element of the show that has annoyed me before and I'm glad to see it be altered.

with ruby it feels like they're trying to go for a more matt smith era companion wherein the companion herself is mixed up with the story much deeper than just being along for the ride; but there is no way her family could afford that absolutely stunning flat and no way they could maintain it to such a high standard with a constant stream of foster children coming in and out. bring back rose era companion houses where they just live on some estate and drink tea, the set design of ruby's flat ruined the immersion as there's no way that could be real. she doesn't come across as a real woman with real struggles, she's so obviously a character and so obviously going to be the companion from the very start because her hair is always perfect and her house is spotless and her outfits are freshly ironed every scene. doctor who works for me when you juxtapose the alien doctor with normal people and normal scenarios (it's not done as well in the case of graham and jodie but still present, he lives in a house that looks like a house and eats food there and it seems lived in. though i must admit i know that house in real life as it is near a place i regularly hung out as a teenager so i may be a tad biased there).

the main other thing that doesn't make sense is why they introduced the idea of those gloves and their being on 3% only to not use that to further the plot. felt like a chekovs gun but then it wasn't relevant again so just broke immersion instead of being impactful.

i think if the goblins weren't a christmas special i would have been pretty disappointed with them, they are rather silly and they sing (which everyone i watched the show with visibly cringed at) and i just don't think they would have worked at all as a mid season episode; they need the context of christmas to work. as a silly episode on christmas day to introduce the new doctor and set up some plot points for the series for me that was OK as it wasn't really about the goblins, it was about introducing ncuti's doctor and ruby. maybe a more serious episode would have overshadowed these new characters (or maybe given them a chance to prove themselves better?). the first episode of any new doctor is a tricky one and i can see why they would choose a villain like that to show off how the new series is slated to be more camp and colourful than previous series.

i must stop waffling now, but it seems like they have more of an idea of where they want to take ncuti than they did when they first introduced jodie. i still think the showrunners did her dirty when she could have been so fun and different, honestly i would have loved if the energy they've given ncuti had been given to jodie. if I'd been strictly male for hundreds of years (though they have since retconned that) and i woke up female i would have fun with it, much more than they allowed jodie to have fun with it. goodbye

#doctor who #ncuti gatwa #jodie whittaker #dw spoilers

[therealwondermundo]

my origin story back to art

My childhood was ROUGH and my 20s were a wild ride, but I’m ok now. I have had a successful career, own a home, and have an amazing 9 year old. I do okay for myself. ✨

I thought I had achieved my “dream,” but I still hated myself. I still suffered from what I thought was just high functioning depression and anxiety. I felt awful for feeling awful and constantly had/have to fight off thoughts that tell me I am a loser, lazy, and should just die.

In 2021, I started seeing a trauma informed therapist in early March and learned about structural disassociation. Dissociation is a spectrum that can go all the way from daydreaming to dissociative identity disorder.

I fall somewhere in between there, but I honestly didn’t believe I could have some form of structural dissociation.

I doubted the severity of what happened to me and saw myself as resilient for not letting it get me down.

But the reality is that if I actually remembered the traumatic nature of those memories fully, I wouldn’t be able to function.

The way I survived was by my brain taking those things and finding a way to tell itself that it was no big deal, because the alternative would have left me paralyzed and at risk of being hurt worse.

“Having structural dissociation means we are split into different parts, each with a different personality, feelings, and behavior. As a result, we feel completely different from moment to moment. One moment we feel strong and happy, the next moment we feel empty and numb, then we feel rage. It might all happen suddenly without an apparent trigger.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201907/do-you-have-normal-part-and-traumatized-part

My stubborn self still couldn’t/wouldn’t believe it. I was convinced my new therapist was wrong, I wasn’t traumatized, I just had depression, and was lazy.

What happened next?

I told myself that if I really did have other parts to prove it, show itself. I told it to do something only I/we would know. None of this “move my left arm” stuff. I felt like I needed proof.

A few days later, I was coloring with my son and I turned the page over when I finished the sheet. I just started drawing lines.

Drawing lines quickly turned into me drawing a face, which suddenly led to me quickly remembering how I used to draw this face ALL THE TIME when I was a teenager.

I sat there in awe, trying to keep my composure as I was filled with tears of joy and sadness. I told it I missed it, but that wasn’t all I remembered.

It’s a weird feeling to miss yourself and to receive a flood of memories, years memories and insights.

Yes, I had turned my passion into a career, but I lost my passion somewhere in there and forgot why I created in the first place.

1️⃣ I remembered how I used to make a ton of cool analog collages.

2️⃣ I started drawing and getting better at it, quickly.

3️⃣I realized how I had grown my design skills since I first started teaching myself html and graphic design in the late ’90s. But I never applied my skills to personal work since they’d grown.

4️⃣ I decided to apply what I learned + my ❤️ of collages and digital art into making again, starting with digital collages.

5️⃣ A few people saw my art and said I should make NFTs if I wasn’t already. I asked an NFT was and found an amazing community.

6️⃣ I began to learn more about digital art outside of work through the community and got an iPad and Apple Pencil. That completely changed the way I create art and helped me get outside of Adobe, which I associated with my career.

There is still a long ways to go with my journey and not sure it will ever end, but I know that the only way through it is with mindfulness and art.

#cryptoart #osdd #did art #structural dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #did osdd #original story #my story

[kedreeva]

OK OK SO LISTEN OK HEAR ME OUT I AM VERY VERY MUCH WELL ON MY EAY TO ACTUALLY WATCHING THIS BIT H OF A SHOW JUST BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT the broken ass fucking thing in ny brain that controls my serotonin levels goes _Ping_ and i get to experience The Happy but LISTEN here the fucking issue ive got an absolute bitch of an executive dysfunction and main issue: everything i know about thr show and everything that makes my brain go HYPERFIXATION TIME is shit from like,, the last 2 seasons ig mostly and like on a Theoretical fucking level i am well aware that once i start watching ill start enjoying it from the first coupke episodes (whatever deity may or may not be out there ought to just strike me down already at this point my previous self from like 5 years ago would strangle me if that fucker knew ehat our stupid bitch of a brain latched to amd decided to sing praises to in the end) but like The Things that currently have me in the headlock when it comes to the damned show Wont be There yet and even though i logically know it doesnt matter cause ill enjoy the rest too stupid piece of shit brain goes "must watch 2 seasons just to get there? Must watch 2 seasins to get to the Serotonin? Not in this energy crisis" so im Stuck unable to Watch it and Wanting to and reading and looking at SO much fucking fancontent cause goddamn the fucking fandom is talented fuck yall

Also i really appreciate your offer regarding the poll its v sweet of you but unfortunately its got a local target audience since its for a project that will begin at a local stage (and if i get my way slowly grow bigger until it reaches nationwide level but yeah v low hopes for it to get that far) and also since the whole project thing is basically a part of a far larger project thing with lots of smaller teams like us and shit and the reason im part of the whole shebang is that a professor of mine decided to place me on her team without even asking ive gotta make the poll using my Proper™ account which not only means sharing my deadname but also my last name (in short my whole legal name) so yeah big fucking mess thats going to shit anyway but i really appreciate the intention its v sweet (also as you hopefully have figured out i am VERY shit at explaining anything on a manner that makes sense but also im my defence it Is currently 3am where i am so yeah id like to throw a teeny bit of the blame for my inability to communicate on that)

Go to SLEEP.

But before you do I need you to look me in the fucking eyes, and understand this: season 1 is absolutely fantastic. Season 1 is still my favorite season. Not only do you get to meet all the amazing characters as babies, but the plots.... oh, the plots. oh. the storylines in season 1 are all fucking gorgeous, Delightful.

okayokay, listen. listen.

I gotta calm down a second because season 1 is so good, but listen

Season 1 does something that's so incredibly difficult to pull off, and not only did they pull it off, they pulled it off with flying colors. They told three narratives that were all part of one narrative, expertly braiding them together until suddenly they have all come together and everything crescendos and hhhhhh it's bliss. It's fucking bliss.

You have the first plot, and that's a kid's adventure plot. It is the genre of plot where you have a bunch of kids who get into a supernatural shenanigan with a New Friend, completely under the noses of the oblivious adults. This is some ET shit, some Earth to Echo shit. They've got to hide their New Weird Friend from the adults, and they are the ONLY ONES capable of saving her. High Child Adventure Time. They're riding their bikes and yelling over their radios and doing things only children would think to do in an attempt to keep El safe.

Then you have the second plot, with Nancy, Jonathan, and Steve (and arguably tommy and carol). This is a teenage monster horror flick w/ bonus romance. This is "one of the teenagers got killed/taken by a monster and the rest of the teens have to survive/cope with it/hunt the monster down together" genre. Nancy and Steve are busy getting into romance and then crashing and burning it because Nancy knows there's monsters and Steve has no idea, but Jonathan knows there's monsters, and now they're teaming up to fight back right up until Steve crash lands in the middle of the event and picks up the nailbat the first time. Delightful, you have to understand. You have to know. The first time Steve weilds the nailbat, he twirls it. And that twirl is.... fucking everything. That twirl lives rent free in my head for eternity.

You have to understand. This entire scene leading up to this is pure fucking gold. Steve is beat the fuck up after picking a fight with Jonathan (and losing), and he's come over to Jonathan's house to apologize to him, because he realized he's been an asshole. Who DOES that first of all. Second of all, this is AFTER he went and made amends with the theater he and tommy and carol defaced to be mean to nancy, and before he's apologized to nancy herself; he's coming to jonathan's house, alone, at night, to apologize to Jonathan, not because he knows Nancy is there, but because it's the right thing to do.

And then Nancy opens the door and okay, he had guessed they were... a thing, maybe, so that's not totally unexpected, but then he sees her hand. He sees the bandage on her hand, the blood they were using to draw the monster, and he has NO IDEA monsters exist still. He pushes into the house because he thinks Jonathan hurt Nancy, only to find Jonathan is also sporting a bandage, and also there's like. weapons all over the fucking place and christmas lights and Nancy's yelling at him to leave and she pulls a fucking gun on him and tells him he has 5 seconds to gtfo, and as if that wasn't enough, a literal monster claws through the ceiling, drops down and starts trying to eat them all. Nancy's firing a gun at it right up until Jonathan grabs her around the middle and bodily hauls her away from danger, grabs Steve's hand with his other hand, and hauls his partners down the hall to safety.

Down the hall where, you know, he and Nancy put a fucking bear trap on the ground. A bear trap steve does not know about but when Jonathan yells JUMP, do you know. Steve doesn't even stop to ask how high. he just fucking jumps. He's freaking out and the monster seems to disappear and they tell him to leave because it's going to come back and he makes it all the way to his car before realizing... he can't fucking leave them there. so he goes charging right back into danger, and good fucking thing too, because Jonathan's been disarmed and nancy's out of bullets and the demogorgon is still coming after her, and Steve gets there just in time to scoop up Jonathans nailbat (which FYI, was made from Nancy's bat, with Jonathan's nails, and now Steve wields it, as if I NEEDED OT3 feels) and start wailing on the monster until it's beaten back into the trap and they can set it on fire.

LIKE. SEASON 1 JUST HAS THAT???

and then!!! there's also the ADULT plotline, which is of the government conspiracy theory genre, as Joyce refuses to believe her son Will is dead and Hopper doesn't agree until actually he finds out she's RIGHT and the corpse was a FAKE and then HE is in on it and they are desperately trying to figure out what the fuck the LAB was doing with all its secrets.

And Delightful.... I have to say. Watching these three plotlines converge.... I've watched the first season dozens of times by this point. Chef's kiss. They all come together and realize they've all been dealing with facets of the same problem, and they move forward together to save Will and take down the monster and the lab that caused the problem. Oh my GOD.

And that's not even speaking of the characters. You will be adopting every child. Season 1 mike is the best mike. I would kill for season 1 nancy but she's got it covered. Season 1 Steve shows you his capacity for being a bitch, which is WHY the later seasons are so amazing with him being a good guy. You have to be able to remember the moment he took Jonathan's camera from him, jonathan's most prized possession, probably the most expensive and difficult to replace thing Jonathan owns, and smashes it on the pavement. You have to experience him writing (or allowing Tommy to write) "Nancy Wheeler is a SLUT" on the movie theater announcement board on main street. You have to see him shove Jonathan and say "always figured you for a queer" in order to understand how far he's come when he sits on the bathroom floor with Robin and softly says "oh." and still looks at her like she hung the moon. You have to see how much the kids care about each other when they are all in one place or you will never survive the catty nonsense they go through in season 3. SEASON 1 MATTERS SO MUCH.

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There's SO MUCH about season 1!!! I'm supposed to be writing stories right now, so I'm gonna leave it here but please know you will not be slogging through 2 seasons to get to 3 and 4. You'll be watching the best season, a good season, and then arrive at when the plot kind of sucks but the characters have a chokehold on your heart so it doesn't matter.

#stranger things #asks #anon asks #Anon (Delightful)

[whitepolaris]

The Pope Lick Monster

One of Kentucky's most famous and enduring legendary creatures, the Pope Lick Monster, is said to be a half-man, half-goat animal that once made frequent appearances in the vicinity of a railroad trestle in Fisherville. According to one version of even the beast was actually from the Canadian wilderness and was caught in the late nineteenth century by a traveling circus. As legend has it, it escaped while on board a train passing through Fisherville and then remained in the general area. Other versions of the tale portray it as more of a supernatural being, with abilities to vanish, teleport, and control minds. One of its favorite tricks, it's said, is to control the minds of youth through hypnosis and make them walk up on the railroad tracks high in the air on the trestles.

Many kids and teens have indeed met an untimely end on those dangerous tracks, and some of them were there specifically because of their interest in the Pope Lick Monster, making the whole thing sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not to mention ensuring that the site is indeed haunted, if not by a monster, then the ghosts of all these kids who died horrible deaths here.

Ever read the Stephen King book, Stand by Me, with the kids daring each other to go out on the trestles? It's exactly the same situation here. Once you're halfway across the tracks, there is no time to turn and run back if a train suddenly appears coming around the bend, and there is absolutely no chance for survival if you jump off the trestle.

The earliest reports of the monster seem to be from the turn of the last century, and peaked again in the '50s and '60s, during which time an entire Boy Scout troop including the scoutmaster, were allegedly attacked by the creature, which wailed in a loud shrieking howl and threw rocks at them.

There is no credible reports in recent years that we've heard of, but that doesn't stop anyone from making regular pilgrimages to the legendary stomping grounds of this monster.

Pope Lick's Goat Man

Taking the Taylorsville Road exit from the Gene Snyder freeway may take you into some uncharted territory. About a mile from the exit there stands the infamous, yet abandoned train trestle where there is a myth about a devastating creature, The Goat Man (also dubbed the Pope Lick Monster), half goat half man, that will make you wish you had never stopped anywhere near him.

According to some legends, many teenagers who are just looking for a thrill will get more than they bargained for. One case is that a young man decided to walk across the trestle and then fell to his death. The reason he jumped is that the Pope Lick Monster can create the sound of a train and cause an illusion for the trespassers. I have been to the area just once, but thinking about it is something that still makes me shiver every time I tell this story.

Some friends of mine decided to take me and another friend to introduce us to the myth. As I got out of the car it was the worst feeling in the world. It was really overwhelming and I immediately wanted to get back in the car, but for some reason I didn't. As we are walking along this road we come to a fence that has a small sign that says NO TRESPASSING. We did follow the rules and decided to turn back since there was nothing there for us to see. So we were getting back in the car and I got in first cause I was sitting in the back and my friend was riding shotgun got in next. He then proceeded to put his drink in the cup holder and all of a sudden our passenger door closed, not violently, but a typical shut. Not sure what just happened we both pointed fingers at each other but neither of us could have done it because I was in the back and couldn't reach the handle and he was leaning toward the cup holder. We immediately left and never looked back. I've never been back again and probably won't go back anytime in the future. -Christopher Stivers

Close Encounter of the Goat Man Kind

As a kid growing up I heard of the Goat Man. He was half human and half goat with a human torso and a goat head. The stories my grandfather told were of this screaming devil jumping a fence, grabbing two full-grown pigs and jumping off with them. There are stories of hum that are over sixty years old.

On Highway 69 outside of Dundee, I was heading home and I saw something leap across the road. I hit the ditch to keep from hitting it. It was so unreal, almost deformed. It had a money-like fence, small horns, strange arms like a kangaroo, thick legs and a long tail. It was far from human. I think this was the Goat Man. -Doug Oller, Paducah

Goat Man, the Orc-like Monstrosity

Has anyone ever heard of a set of abandoned train tracks that run across a broken bridge on the outskirts of Kentucky? It's one of the creepiest places I've ever seen, as well as one of the most frightening experiences this former Louisvillian has ever known. Supposedly, underneath the bridge lives "the goatman"-a weird orc-like monstrosity that kills and buries folks that snoop around the area too much (especially high schoolers). Sure, this all sounds like a familiar fairy tale, BUT, I led a caravan of about 3-4 cars to the tracks. This was circa 1991. No goatman appeared, but the place was the most scary place I've ever been to. AND, the dilapidated bridge actually shadows the entrance to a hidden roadway.

On a dare, we flew through the road, which was one of the darkest, winding roads with no shoulder and odd houses every mile or so. The legend also mentioned that at the end of the road was "four winds," a satanic headquarters in Louisville located on a hidden farm. I didn't believe it, until we shot down that road. On every side were either drop-offs, wrecked and abandoned cars and houses with candles LIT IN THEIR YARDS, until we suddenly hit a straightway, where on the left was a farm with NO TRESPASSING signs surrounding it, and a sign reading FOUR WINDS. The fence encasing it was painted entirely in red and black.

Anybody ever heard of this? I'd ask the members of my caravan, but they're all dead or insane (true story). -B. Manley

#weird kentucky #type read #long ass read

[foster-notmatty]

FOSTER. 31. DOWNTOWN. Head Chef at Amelie's. Reformed Degenerate.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This may be me at my best.

About Page / Musings / Connections

tw: post-partum psychosis, infanticide, suicide, abuse

Matthew Foster was the second-born child to the Superintendent of Providence Peak School District and his homemaker wife. The couple had previously welcomed a daughter, Anna, into their lives 2 years earlier, and with the birth of their son, they felt as though their family was finally complete. It was a perfect picture that didn’t last long, however, as Mrs. Foster suffered from post-partum psychosis, and when Matty was only 8 months old, her paranoia culminated in her killing Anna and attempting to do the same to her son before Mr Foster came home and was able to intervene. Mrs. Foster was committed and received psychological treatment, but despite all the help, the horror of what she had done was too much to overcome. 10 months later, she took her own life, leaving only Matty and his father behind.

The superintendent was not a particularly kind or doting man by any means, but considering it was Matty’s birth that ultimately unraveled his family, the man’s mood towards his son generally wavered between resentment and outright hostility. The only love and care the boy received was from the nanny his father hired, and once he was deemed self-sufficient at the age of 12, it was decided that expense was no longer worth the money. As such, Foster spent most of his teenage years neglected and fending for himself. He acted out in all the typical teenage ways as a cry for help, which only provoked his father’s ire further and led to physical beatings as well. No one wanted to believe the worst of the man in charge of the education of their children, so they wrote Foster off as a no-good rebellious teen.

He left town the day he turned 18, not even finishing high school. He headed east with no real plan for his life, other than getting the hell away from his father. He thought about maybe joining a band, but he wasn’t particular good at music — instead he hitched a ride with some guys touring the country, and acted as their roadie. He followed the band all the way to Philadelphia before deciding to try his hand at standing still. He got a job working the graveyard shift at a shitty 24-hour diner, and it was there that he discovered his true love for food and cooking.

He stuck around for a couple years before deciding to travel the world, working in various kitchens and learning everything he could along the way. He was just called back to Providence Peak with the news his father had died after suffering from a series of strokes, leaving behind an estate for Foster to sort through. It was the first thing the man had ever given him, and he felt compelled to go through it properly. Plus, he was starting to feel like it was time to settle down for good.

TLDR: Son of the former superintendent of the Providence Peak School District; he often rebelled against his father who was neglectful and abusive, and was written off as a ‘bad apple’ because of it. Left town the day he turned 18 without even finishing high school and never looked back. He eventually found his way into the kitchen, and has spent the last several years traveling the world working at various high-level restaurants. There are approximately 3 people in the world allowed to called him Matty — to everyone else he is Foster.

#muse #about #providence.intro

[kierreras]

I do also think though that Aki and Audrey have foreshadowed more relationship issues throughout the show, and many weren’t resolved—just the issues related to their physical relationship. In season 1, aki was constantly telling Audrey how to think about how her mom feels etc etc, and didn’t offer much support otherwise. the latest episode is similar—aki doesn’t like drama, and he doesn’t interact with it, but Audrey is always involved in it whether she wants to or not. I’ve seen lots of people on twitter saying Audrey was wrong and aki deserves better, but truthfully I think her calling TriBeCa “his little film thing” and him referring to her issues as “high school drama” are kind of the same….both trivializing the other. this was important to aki, but Audrey’s mom is important to her too. where Audrey (and max!) were wrong was when the projected it all onto julien. julien wasn’t the problem (though it is true her solutions do always involve putting herself at the center), but Audrey focused on her.

I don’t think the triad will break up yet, and I can see them being an on and off again drama filled relationship throughout the series. I think season 2 has so far given each character in the triad at least 1 whole episode that focused on their insecurities in the relationship, and the season as a whole will continue with that. so far it’s always been resolved tho…

hii, sorry, i think i missed your ask last week, so replying just now i am so glad to read such a great analysis on triad. i think the same way as you. i understand both audrey and aki - they are teenagers which is a very self-centered period of youth. if we remember yourselves in out teenage years, we can understand that every problem that we faced seemed like an end of the world yes, audrey was wrong for making aki's interest irrelevant, but so was he. they are both in wrong there and people are putting max in the middle when he basically was not making any choice. i think writers are now pairing up audrey and max on basis of family drama. some episode before last one they were organising a wedding for max's fathers, this episode max was helping audrey with her family issues. of course they are the ones who can bond based on such things when aki is kind of always wanted to distance himself from any family drama. even with his father he was distancing, he was not making any revenge plans like obie, he was not scheming like audrey. aki is a person that doesn't like dramas, so him not being there with audrey is understandable. from his point of view, she is acting childish and it's okay for him to feel this way because that is who he is. i also think that max and audrey getting revenge on julien in particular was wrong, but that was not their main focus and it's really bad to say it, but from my point of view julien was a collateral damage for their plan. it's bad and it's petty, they should have not involve her, i totally agree with you on this one. and i also think that aki considered their scheme as "high school drama" because they involved julien there as well. i think that the writers are going to see fans reactions first and after that they will device on what to do with a triad. for me it would be great if they continue with triad, not pair them up. i am all in for relationship drama and as a fan of original gg i am here for everything. still, i think that the writers are not sure on how to act and they are going to leave a cliffhanger for the last episode. triad has a great potential for main ship of the show (like chair and derena were in the original - they were revisited every season) because they were there from the first episode and let's be hones julien and obie are boring af. so i think we are in for a long ride. or i sure hope so

#ask #gossip girl hbo #gossip girl reboot #makidrey #max x aki x audrey

[anterocash]

Boss Call.

It’s easier to make a phone call than to get on a plane and sit for fifteen hours, going through the customs hassle, just to have a conversation with the manager of Bean Through. 

(Cash doesn’t know what’s left in Korea for him, so why bother going back?) 

Zoom or FaceTime would be cute if his hair weren’t in that awkward stage and his beard just as difficult Cash doesn’t feel like being distracted by his face for an hour. 

He’s sitting at his desk, AirPods in and ready. At the same time, Cash types away on his laptop; he might as kill two birds with one stone – Cash hadn’t realized he had started two utterly different Sci-Fi series a year ago, one document for the Clifford Park books – a series set in a world where humans and androids co-exist as two races and another document open for his Sci-Fi book for the girls – a slow burn romance about teenage supernaturals: a witch coming into her powers and her male counterpart; the broody werewolf consumed with self-hate it’s filled with twists and turns – also dragons. The prequel for A Manufactured Heart has already finished. It is poised to be released in March to coincide with the premiere of the Hulu drama. 

Riding off the high success of the first book: The End of Fog, Cash quickly got to work on the sequel, much to Larry’s urging. Cash has the bulk of the following two books already written, and if he gets high enough? Could write another one before it’s even due. He always has his reservations until the direct deposit hits. Then the shame of enjoying the money settles until the sheer happiness that takes over Ashley’s face when he’s bought her a gift zaps the cold from his bones, and a fist takes his chest. Lily Lee is the absolute bane of Cash’s existence, but it’s worth it when needed. 

Cash finds it somewhat ironic that his readers can accept a detective chasing after a robotic serial killer but not the precious seventeen-year-old heroine simply trying to do her best at the end of the day. Cash knows how he cultivated his audience, and while his past attempts to derail his future, he won’t let that stop him from getting paid. Never. 

It feels like years have gone by when the line finally clicks over, and Cash shakes his head with a huff, totally fucking with the other man, “about damn time, did I interrupt something?” 

“Won,” the coffeehouse manager greets sagely; the sound of Cash’s quick fingertips tapping away at his laptop should bring a familiar comfort to the rat owner. It’s not when they have pressing matters to discuss.

“Yes, boss?” Cash still has a jovial hint to his voice when he responds. 

“Why didn’t you tell me the two weirdos that sit in the back of the shop were drug dealers?” 

Cash immediately laughs, even if it’s not what he wants to do. “You think Minho is weird? Me too, Jay is just an asshole –” 

“Answer the question.” 

“Because it wasn’t my idea,” Cash explains with a sigh; he isn’t even typing anymore. Leaning back into his chair, he sighs again and takes his glasses off to rub his eyes wearily; not even there, and those two knuckleheads are twisting the thorn in Cash’s side. It’s not guilt he feels – it’s technically still his business – he’s still signing checks for it. Cash feels worried and presses his fingers deeper into his eyes. “What happened?”

“They have my employees doing deliveries when they go on their routes.” 

“Oh, that’s so smart –” Cash mutters, impressed. That explains the sudden jump in delivery sales, almost at the same volume as their foot traffic inside the shop. Cash doesn’t know why he didn’t think of that himself while still in Korea. “Let me guess, lots of to-go orders?”

“He’s paying them good money, I can’t lie. If you weren’t so giving… Maybe I would be doing those drops as well. Why didn’t you tell me they were doing that in the shop, Won? I’m the last person you should keep in the dark about something like this.”

Yikes. 

Cash hates when he’s rightfully called out. It adds insult to injury in his mind – he holds his tongue for a beat. Do not be an asshole to one of the few people you can trust. 

“I have no idea, I just… After all the bullshit with Hwan and how they didn’t tell me until I caught them, I didn’t want to think about it… dude, if you want a cut, ask them.” Cash sits up and starts typing again, “Bean Through is yours,” Cash says quietly as the words leave his fingertips, “tell them to either give you what you’re due or get out, and if you don’t want to confront them –” the guy has a mean right hook.

“I don’t need to speak for me, Cash.” 

He can’t see Cash, but the writer still puts his hands up, “hey – I’m not trying to – c’mon dude, you know me.”

“Yeah, I do. That’s why I’m not angry with you; a little peeved you didn’t tell me after the OD, but Hwan is okay. All that matters.” 

It’s still a touchy subject; Ryuhwan is well on his way towards a healthy recovery from his accident (Cash likes to call them accidents because usually, it’s not on purpose except when it is.)

Cash nods thoughtfully before putting his fingers on his laptop once more. “He uh –” Cash clears his throat, “he texted me the other day,” things have been awkward between Cash and Ryuhwan since he’s been back home. Maybe, they spent too much time together right after the incident. The younger man hadn’t taken to Cash telling him he was moving fifteen hours and a different time zone away. 

The offer lingered in the back of his throat; he never said it, and Ryuhwan was too hopeful.

“Other than that, what did you want?”

Cash snorts at the man’s words, shaking his head in amusement. “Jeez – since when was it a crime to call a friend on the telephone?” 

“Won, you hate talking on the phone.” 

“Yeah… but…” Cash sighs for what feels like the millionth time since they started this conversation, adjusting his glasses to get the pressure of the arms digging into the back of his ears, “I miss knowing what’s happening in real-time, don’t get me wrong, I love it here, miss you like crazy, but I’m happy where I am at the same time,” he tries to explain when he’s cut off.

“What has Seulgi told you?” 

Cash relays all the juicy information he’s managed to get from his former slash current Korea base assistant – she’s still on the payroll and attends to different affairs in Korea that regard Cash. She also clears out the foul air in the home above the shop and dusts it when needed. 

Seulgi is great, Cash thinks.

“Well… that was only the tip of the iceberg.”

Cash loves to gossip. He gets comfortable in his chair.

#drabble

[rufusx2]

thinking more of my "autumn headspace" so to speak a thing that happens within me only during the autumn season typically end of august to mid october in which my mind is completely free of my material shackles and i become completely and totally convinced that i can become a different person overnight i am overcome with not only a want for life and a hope for the future but i actually do make changes and i feel things much more deeply than usual, but with an air of detachment from it as if i am not quite out of body but definitely not in it either. a sort of overlap between us both? i dont recall much but i remember crying at night but being so fervent during the day. jaw clenching and shaking and buzzing with that energy. in fact i would honestly describe it as more of a high energy phase than anything else- i would be genuinely unstoppable if i could trigger it on purpose, or choose to live like that permanently. it feels as if there is a haze of gold placed over my vision when i look back in my memories. and this with comes the burning need to walk and keep my body moving. during this time a coworker described be as a "busy body" and he was absolutely right. when i was a teenager this would manifest in me going on hours-long bike rides until i could taste blood in my mouth from moving so fast, and now i wander the nearby neighborhoods turning on random corners until i can't walk any more. i am like a shark compelling to swim and i just can't stop. and it is amazing. i think so many things and while i still think while i walk it's always a bit duller now. i remember walking out in the autumn not caring if i had work later and not adjusting my hair or bothering to check my posture. i would stare at myself in the shadow i left on the sidewalk only. of course i also at one point felt as if the blank walls of my bedroom were going to swallow me up but i have posters up now. i think up countless ideas, and can only try to match that intensity and continue my projects during the rest of the year. i rarely think of new ideas in spring summer or winter. and the thing about fall i think is not just the general "vibe" of it all. because i could easily replicate that by watching over the garden wall or listening to my Autumn bands or putting up my halloween stuff at different times of year. but i think the crispness of the air and the leaves falling off the trees and the relief of being over with summer fuels me. i go for walks in spring sure but the warmth and wetness of the air distracts me from falling into this. while it rains in autumn, it's dry whenever it isn't (which is why it's part of wildfire season). but going back to my detachment. i find it freeing. of course i am still plagued by daily anxieties, but it's more manageable i suppose? or at least, it doesn't happen as frequently. but the main thing that brings me artistic inspiration (or at least, HAS brought me artistic inspiration for this project specifically), is this idea of the Ideal self. how i can become a new person, and change who i am fundamentally. it's futile of course, but for the duration of this phase i really do do it. and i know i'm doing it because other people like me more. every job i have ever had, i got hired in autumn. i am calmer. i think differently. i do things that i cannot do otherwise. and i try so hard to keep this up but i just cant. again, not in my nature. but i feel as if i can change my nature during those few short months a year. and i feel less trapped by this body. and of course this can tip very quickly into self hatred which i have gone into before on this blog (it's what is meant by 'WWJD' and killing the old self to be reincarnated as the new self) but i still cannot help but wish i knew how to trigger it. what drugs can do this to you? i would trade this sober mind for her any day of the week.

#i think it is perhaps what could be described as 'mania' but which is so infrequent it isn't disordered #well. enough so at least #meows #and you know what i would live like that all the time if i could #my impulsivity doesnt even go up im capable of thinking things through #i dont think the low energy sadsack phases are necessary for that.