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thoughtssvt · 6 months

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the stillness of peace

ʚSPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 120ɞ

synopsis : a HaiNana reunion in the afterlife

wc : 2646

It wasn’t as silent and empty as Kento thought it would be and even though he was alone he didn’t really feel lonely. Though, he’s not sure what he was expecting, exactly. What the afterlife would be like. He never really knew if he believed what Gojo or Yaga chanted like a mantra. Whether or not you would truly die alone despite all the people that surrounded you in life or if there wasn’t a single person that died without regret. At this point in time… he was feeling pretty good despite facing the unknown.

One thing he didn’t expect was the warmth. The way the sun would heat his skin enough for him to sigh in content, a comforting contrast from the cold that kissed his skin as the blood drained from his body during his last moments. How good it would feel to crane his neck up to the clear blue sky, letting the light seep through his closed eyelids as he listened to the waves crash in the distance, rippling to nip at his ankles before retreating back to the sea. His eyes fell to his bare feet, watching himself sink into the sand as the ocean beckoned him to come closer.

“Oh, Nanami!” A bright voice called out to him in surprise. It overflowed with happiness– youth– and for a split second a breath caught in Kento’s throat, his chest filling with panic at the thought of Itadori following him too soon. He whipped around, the breeze snaking through the slack in his uncharacteristic vacation polo, wrapping around him like a warm hug. The embodiment of comfort massaging at his scalp as his bangs tickled his cheeks.

He was met with big, brown eyes glowing like embers in the sun’s rays.

It made him breathless, somehow feeling a dull thud in his chest despite his flatlined heart.

“Haibara…” It came from his lips like a sigh, the name slipping off his tongue like he needed it to breathe.

A soft ‘wah’ accompanied a gummy smile. “You really grew up!” Haibara cooed, his eyes scanning Nanami’s body, amazed by the width of Kento’s shoulders and the extra centimeters he’d gained in the last few years of adolescence he never got to see. Yu’s laughter filled his ears like fragile popping bubbles as he teased Kento about how weird it was to see him in such an obnoxiously loud shirt and how he always thought that Nanami’s hair would look better parted on the other side, especially with shorter bangs. A comment on how handsome Nanami grew up to be falling on distracted ears.

He hadn’t aged a day, Nanami couldn’t help but notice. Haibara’s dark strands were still as messy and unkempt as they were the last time he’d seen him, every single smile line around his eyes in the exact same place.

“You’re still wearing that old thing?” Kento couldn’t stop himself from interrupting, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He reached to pinch at the black fabric of Haibara’s school uniform.

“I wanted you to recognize me when we finally met again,” Yu smiled teasingly as he watched Nanami rub the cloth between the pads of his fingers.

“Like I could forget,” he whispered, words laced with a fond sort of sadness. He spent every day for the past twelve years thinking about Haibara, treating him like he was the rising sun every single morning.

Nanami’s arm fell limp at his side as he truly took in the boy in front of him. It was so nostalgic that Kento couldn’t completely believe that he did enough good while he was living to earn something so wonderful in the afterlife. His tongue darted against his bottom lip as he searched for the right words to say, the words he’d rehearsed over and over again in his head as he watched Geto drape a light cloth over Haibara’s lifeless body. He wanted to say he was sorry. That he wished they could’ve grown up together. He wanted to tell him that he was angry. How he lived every day wondering if Yu was doomed from the very beginning, how he concluded that he must’ve been because the world was too dirty and rotten for a pure soul like Yu’s to thrive. He wanted to tell him all of that, but the words died on his tongue, the only thing filling his thoughts were the words he never got to say, ‘I love–’.

“Those must be heavy, huh?” Haibara hummed, staring at the brown satchel that hung heavy on Kento’s shoulder.

Ashen brows furrowed as he realized its presence, heaving it into his hands before his expression softened. It was filled to the brim with books that had collected dust on the countless shelves in his apartment, novels he wasted money on with the empty promise that he’d read them once he escaped sorcerer life.

That’s right.

This wasn’t a place where he had to worry anymore. He didn’t need to carry the burden of the curses that used to haunt him.

He’d realized then that he’d seen this place before. In a magazine he picked up out of boredom at the supermarket while he waited for the old woman in front of him to fish out exact change from her coin purse. He bought it because of one single page. A full spread where giant rocks peeked above clear water and a forest full of green blended into the horizon. The perfect retirement spot where he’d build a house and settle down.

“I don’t suppose I have a property here, do I?”

Haibara smiled from ear to ear, his arms spreading in a dramatic display, “Welcome to your front yard!” And there was that bubbly laugh again. It reminded Kento of those sticky summer nights when it was too hot to fall asleep. He glared at the ceiling, his eyes straining in the dark to see… something… anything. He’d tried so desperately to remember Yu’s smile then. The way his eyes creased and his nose scrunched. Years ago he’d already forgotten what Haibara smelled like. It didn’t come to his nose out of the blue anymore, understandably. The nose was weak to memory. A few years after that, on a similar muggy night, he'd realized he'd forgotten the tone of his laugh. The way it'd ring in his ears like bells on Christmas morning. Once he became aware of what he’d lost he tried so desperately to burn his best friend’s smile into every wrinkle of his brain. Now it was right in front of him.

“You can grumble to your subconscious if it’s not to your liking,” Yu teased, nudging his thumb to the house off in the distance behind him.

Nanami wasn’t sure if this was exactly what he had in mind. A one story, open concept with a rust colored roof. He never truly envisioned being here, the thought passing through his mind like deciding what color socks to wear on any given day.

The wood felt nice against the soles of his bare feet as they walked up a short flight of stairs to end up right in the middle of the living room, the walls few but plenty as they were adorned floor to ceiling with packed shelves.

“You weren’t too lonely, were you?” Kento grunted softly as he watched Yu plop onto the couch with the same heft as his bag.

“I had my own paradise, you know? I was actually hoping that you wouldn’t kick the bucket this early, but I guess with our line of work ten years is plenty,” Yu snorted, replying absentmindedly before his eyes widened, wiggling his eyebrows at the taller man when he’d noticed that most of the titles were of the romance genre.

“And you decided to come here?” It came out habitually like all the times he’d scolded Itadori. He took a seat beside him, melting into the sofa. The first time in a long, long time he let himself truly relax.

“It wasn’t really planned. Well, it was.” Haibara hummed thoughtfully, shifting until he found a comfortable position. “I decided I wanted to take a trip, see the world… and I ended up here,” he shrugged, tossing a book onto Kento’s stomach as he cracked one open for himself.

“Coincidentally in my paradise?” Nanami nudged his elbow into Haibara’s side, repeating the term he’d used to describe this realm.

“Coincidentally,” Yu agreed with a chiming laugh. “Now let’s get to reading, there’s even more in the study.” He motioned to some unknown area of the house. “Lucky that all your paychecks didn’t go to waste since all your possessions just follow you, huh?” Nanami snorted at that. He’d long since acknowledged that money was his main drive. His focus so tunneled on making enough money so he could run away from sorcery life that he’d forgotten the end goal. He didn’t realize how much he’d actually spent on books he promised himself to read when he retired, a huff leaving his nose with the realization that this collection contributed to the paychecks that always managed to fall short. Now, he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

He sucked in a deep breath as he listened to the soft creak of the hardcover he was peeling open, his shoulders slumping as he immersed himself into the fantasy on the page. They sat in silence, soft breaths falling into a syncopated rhythm with crisp page turns. The sun set slowly in front of them, casting an orange light against their faces before Haibara heaved himself up out of his comfortable position to flick on a few lights, settling down much closer to Kento when he returned.

When he was alive Nanami never had the time to read as much as he wanted. Truthfully, it was a bit tiring reading for pleasure, especially when he’d been in the same position long enough for the moonlight to seep in, his eyes now straining in a darkness that was a little less lonely. He closed his book quietly, letting his head fall back against the firm cushion as he took in the foreign silence. One where he didn’t have to worry about what he had to do tomorrow or the annoying little low grade curses that would buzz around every so often. He could just… sit and get used to the stillness that came with peace. It was… odd. The closest he’d ever come to this feeling was the restless boredom that came to him on nights where he was too tired to move, but his brain was too active to sleep. It was different this time, though. There was a sense of satisfaction. Like he could sit like this for hours without his pessimism nagging in the back of his mind. He let his eyes flutter closed, accepting the calm air around them, unaware of how he drifted towards Haibara until the particles around him buzzed at the radiating disturbance.

“I didn’t expect the afterlife to be so warm,” Kento finally aired his thoughts, his book abandoned on the cushion beside him as he looked down to where their arms were just a hair’s distance away. Yu’s skin emitted a comfortable heat, his cropped blazer having been hung against the back of the couch long enough for Kento to have just noticed. Nanami turned onto his side, watching Haibara’s round eyes scan the page, the moon illuminating his soft features. He’d realized then that he could be braver than he was when he was a teenager and he couldn’t help himself from reaching out to cup Yu’s face in his hand. Tearing his friend’s attention from the book, he was momentarily uncaring of whether or not Haibara wanted to finish a paragraph before giving him his full attention.

In the reflection of dark, brown eyes came a chuckle that reverberated through his chest. One that he himself hadn’t heard since he was a teenager, it shook his ribs and tickled his throat. His paradise began to click into place. He felt overgrown bangs tickle his jaw, his cheeks growing a little fuller, skin a little less aged as he stared at the spitting image of his high school-self in Yu’s eyes. The uncomfortable school uniform now clinging to his drastically smaller form.

“I missed you.” It was confident, decisive. He leaned in close, resting his forehead against Haibara’s. “Grow up with me,” he breathed out, eyes closing softly as he envisioned his paradise being one where he could make up for lost time starting right when his youth had been taken from him.

He felt Yu’s body jump with gentle chuckles, “I sure would love to see your adult self again.”

It tugged Kento’s lips into a thin smile. “I don’t think paradise would give us enough despairs to accumulate,” He joked, tipping his hat to the motto he followed in the living world, dragging his arm down to loop it around Haibara’s waist, pulling him close so that they were back to chest.

“Considering the fact that you’re seventeen again, I think anything’s possible,” Yu hummed, drifting deeper into Nanami’s chest with a sort of natural intimacy they never had back then. Haibara’s feelings were seemingly mutual. Kento didn’t feel the need to confess anything, not right then at least.

They spent the rest of the night in each other’s arms, their chests rising in sync, even down to the way their shoulders jumped with soft fits of laughter. When Nanami was alive he believed that the world he’d lived in was dull and boring, tedious, but now he was speaking of his experiences like they were funny anecdotes you would find online.

“He actually reminds me a lot of you. So young, excited. Even the way you both say my name. I just about died again before I realized it was you calling for me earlier today. I would’ve smacked him so hard that it would’ve revived him back into the living world if he actually did end up here.” Kento chuckled fondly.

“But he’s got it, right?” For a split second Nanami’s eyes widened, Haibara taking the words straight out of his mind that he had trouble deciphering whether or not it came from his own lips.

Kento nodded his head, swallowing thickly, “He’s got it.”

“Good, that means there won’t be anyone bothering us for a long while. Maybe I could show you my paradise.” Yu turned to him with a blinding smile, smooth fingers tucking Kento’s bangs behind his ears. His heart knocked so loudly he’d almost forgotten how to breathe. It would’ve been nice to know that they were this compatible when they were both alive, the thought creeping into the back of Nanami’s mind before he waved them off in favor of taking advantage of the time they had now. He leaned in, sliding his palm against Yu’s forehead to push his choppy fringe up and out of the way. Ignoring how Yu stilled as he planted a soft kiss on his forehead.

“I didn’t take you for the jealous type,” Kento poked when he pulled away, his thumb running against Haibara’s plump cheek, massaging the muscle that was presumably exceptionally sore with all the smiling he’d done in the last few hours. The brunette tucked himself under Nanami’s chin, nuzzling into his boney chest, his confession coming out as mutually as Kento’s.

“Hey, I went a decade without you. It’s my turn to have you all to myself.”

“As long as we can get out of these god awful clothes. They have clothing stores here, right? I may be seventeen again, but I still have the fashion sense of an adult now.” Laughter filled the air, the only thing Nanami would ever allow to disturb their stillness of peace.

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu nanami #nanami kento #jjk nanami #jjk #jjk haibara #haibara yu #hainana #nanami x haibara #nanahai #jjk fluff #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jjk 120

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tojiswhore-nanamisslut · 3 months

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A Midnight of Emotions

pairing: Nanami x Haibara, Satoru x Suguru, Nanami x Gojo (at least the beginnings of it)

warnings: ANGST I'm sorry

synopsis: Gojo comes back from a mission and runs into Nanami. It's Haibara's birthday and the 2 of them get drunk on the roof of the school in his memory and end up falling asleep together in Nanami's bed. They find a kinship in each other for both having lost their best friend (gay).

word count: 2.4k

a/n: My most beloved mutual @pinkished gave me the inspo for this as she has with so many other fics I've written (and may one day post). Also this is sort of canon compliant but not with ages or dates because I was too lazy to look them up lol.

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Gojo came back to campus late one night, having just finished a mission. It had been a few months since Geto defected, but the pain in his heart was still palpable. Every day he thought about his best friend, his one and only. How things could have turned out differently if he had just paid attention. If he had just been there.

With his eyes cast down he nearly ran straight into Nanami, who had his back to him as he quietly closed the door to the dorm building.

“Nanami? What are you doing?” Gojo asked.

Nanami jumped and whipped around, hiding his hands behind his back. “Oh, Gojo, um, nothing I’m just... going for a walk.”

Gojo had never seen Nanami flustered before, making him momentarily forget his sadness as his curiosity piqued.

“Oh? Well why do you look so nervous then? What do you have behind your back?” Gojo asked, with a teasing smile, trying to peer around Nanami's back.

Nanami shifted to conceal what was behind him, a vein pulsating in his head as he grew irritated, “Nothing. Don’t you have something better to do? Some curses to exorcize that only ‘the strongest’ can handle?”

At that, Gojo’s smile fell. ‘The strongest’ used to mean him and Suguru. Now it was just him. Alone.

Nanami immediately regretted snapping. Even though it had been a year since Yu died, he still thought of his best friend every day. In fact, today would have been Yu’s 18th birthday. One of their favorite things to do was sneak sake out of Yaga’s personal stash and get tipsy on the roof of the school and just talk the night away. In honor of that, Nanami had secured some sake and was on his way to the roof when he ran into Gojo.

“Listen, Gojo I’m s--” Nanami started.

“No. Sorry I pried. I’ll leave you be.” Gojo began to turn away when Nanami spoke up again.

“It’s Yu’s birthday today.”

At that, Gojo turned around. What day was it? Oh, he realized, it was his birthday. Haibara should have been turning 18 this year.

Nanami continued, bringing his hands to his front as he did, “Me and Yu used to celebrate a mission gone well or a special occasion by stealing some sake from Yaga and drinking on the roof. Since it’s his birthday, I was going to continue that tradition...” Nanami held the bottle of sake in front of him.

Gojo looked at the bottle and then at Nanami. He could hear the sadness in Nanami’s voice. When Suguru left that day, it felt like he lost a part of himself too. But at least Suguru was alive. He couldn’t imagine how Nanami felt, having to watch his best friend die and being powerless to help him. Much like he was powerless to help Suguru.

“Oh..” was all Gojo mustered to say.

Nanami continued, “If you’d like, you can join me tonight. Haibara always looked up to you...” Nanami trailed off again.

Gojo thought for a second. He wasn’t a fan of alcohol. But with how depressed he felt about Suguru leaving, and given that it was Haibara’s birthday, he figured he could endure it for one night.

“All right. Lead the way.”

Nanami led Gojo through the way he and Haibara used to get on the roof. Once on top, Gojo looked around. The moon was full, illuminating everything, leaving the secrets of the night with no place to hide. It was all bared for the stars to see.

“This is nice. I can’t believe I’ve never been up here before.” Gojo said.

“Yeah. It's peaceful up here.”

The two of them sat in silence for some time. Each thinking about the partner they loved and ultimately lost.

“Well. Happy 18th Birthday Yu. This is for you.” And Nanami tipped the sake bottle back to his lips and took a long drink, and then passed it to Gojo.

Gojo took the bottle carefully, “Happy Birthday Haibara.” And he took a sip, forcing the liquid down his throat as it burned.

“Ack I don’t get how people drink this stuff.” Gojo groaned, handing the bottle back to Nanami, who was already sporting a rosy tint to his cheeks, visible by the light of the moon.

“Haha Yu used to say the same thing. But he said he wasn’t gonna let me drink alone and have all the fun. Then it just became a tradition to do after a successful mission.” Nanami wore a small smile on his face, recalling all the good times they had together, and then he took another long swig.

“You also just get used to it over time. Here.” He said, passing it back to Gojo.

Gojo looked at the bottle with a grimace but took a larger sip this time, thoughts about how Suguru would have enjoyed it up here plagued his mind and helped the clear liquid slide down his throat.

They sat in silence again. Both boys growing redder as the sake bottle emptied.

It was Nanami who eventually broke the silence, voice trembling and slurred, “I miss him so much.”

Gojo was shocked at the other boy’s sudden vulnerability. Nanami was usually so stoic and quiet. Yet here he was, eyes glistening in the moonlight as he looked out at the world beyond.

Gojo looked down, “I miss him too.” He responded quietly. He hadn’t drank as much as Nanami but he could still feel his body tingling, could feel the emotions he was trying to suppress bubbling to the surface, threatening to spill over like the tears in Nanami’s eyes.

“We weren’t strong enough to save either of them.” Nanami sniffled, mouth quivering, still looking out at the lights of the non-sorcerer world.

At that, the tightness in Gojo’s chest finally bursted open. The pain and loss and helplessness he felt was finally coming to the surface. He couldn’t ignore it any longer as tears ran down his cheeks and he gritted his teeth. No matter what he did, they wouldn’t stop.

The only other one with the title of ‘the strongest’, his best friend, his one and only, Suguru...had gone down a path he could not follow and he was powerless to stop him. For all his strength he couldn’t even keep Suguru by his side. Suguru Suguru Suguru. A name that once filled him with such joy and love and pride, now only left him in despair. What good was any of this if he couldn’t share it with the one he cared for the most? Who could he save if he couldn’t even save the person closest to him? What use was he to the world?

He looked up at the stars, tears running down his cheeks, why why why why. Why was fate so cruel? Why did Suguru leave? Why wasn’t he enough for him to be happy in this world?

What broke Gojo out of his spiral was the soft snoring coming from Nanami, wet streaks painting his cheeks. It looked like whatever tightness Nanami was holding in his chest finally broke too.

Gojo felt a little bit guilty. Nanami drank most of the sake because Gojo only took small sips after the second one. When he was up here with Haibara it was probably more of a 50/50 split.

He looked out at the city beyond, wondering where Suguru was right now, what he was doing.

Gojo sighed and dried his face, it was no use wondering. He could only save those who were prepared to be saved. And right now, Nanami looked like he was about to roll right off the roof.

Despite not having drunk that much, Gojo was still a lightweight and could feel the effects of the alcohol. Because of it, he didn’t really trust that he could use his technique right now, so he picked Nanami up the old fashioned way and carried his passed out junior back to his dorm. It was a significant struggle getting off the roof with the deadweight of an 18 year old boy on your shoulders, especially when you’ve been drinking. But Gojo managed to do it while only knocking Nanami’s head into something once.

When they were back in Nanami’s dorm, Gojo took off his shoes and put him to bed, laying him on his side just in case. He stood there for a bit, wondering if it would really be okay to leave Nanami alone. He was a little concerned about how much the boy drank, and to be honest, he wasn’t too keen on being alone right now. The alcohol exacerbated his pent up emotions and led his thoughts down dark paths.

Gojo was pondering his options when Nanami spoke in his sleep, “Yu? Where’d you go? Come back.” As Nanami spoke he reached over to the empty side of his bed, eyebrows furrowing when he was met with nothing, “Come back, Yu. Please”

Through the light of the moon pouring in through the windows, Gojo could see tears forming in the corners of Nanami’s eyes again, the streaks down his cheeks only barely dried.

Gojo sighed for the second time that night. He knew how that felt. Him and Suguru had shared a bed many, many times before. They always shared one on missions, and occasionally snuck into each other’s dorm for sleepovers at school. Honestly, he missed the feeling of having someone by his side. When he started going on missions alone, he found it hard to sleep, but eventually got used to it. Now though, after Suguru’s defection, he found himself lying awake most of the night. Feeling so small in his own bed.

“Please” Nanami’s lips quivered. Gojo sighed for a third time and crawled into bed next to Nanami, “You’re fine Nanami. Go to bed. I’m here.”

At that Nanami’s face softened and he laid his hand on Gojo’s shoulder. His light snores filled the room once more.

Despite himself, Gojo’s eyes began to feel heavy. The bed was comfortable, and it was comforting having another body next to him, even if it wasn’t Suguru. Soon enough, both boys had drifted off, the moon shining a light across their chests, rising and falling in sync.

Gojo was the first to wake the next morning, a sun beam right in his eyes. He looked over and Nanami was still asleep, rolled over with his back to him now. Well, the guy made it through the night without throwing up and he was still breathing. Gojo considered that a win.

Carefully and as quietly as possible, he got up from the bed and made his way to the kitchen. His head was lightly pounding, likely from the alcohol and the tears he shed last night. Tears he had been holding in for months. He got himself a glass of water and then started making breakfast for himself. By the time he sat down to eat, Nanami came dragging his feet into the kitchen, eyes squished in pain and a hand on his head.

“Good morning”, Gojo chimed. He was unsure what the other boy remembered of last night.

Nanami looked at him through pained eyes, “Good morning.” And then went to get himself a glass of water. After downing it he seemed to feel a little bit better.

“Hey, about last night...I don’t remember too much of it but I hope I didn’t cause you too much trouble...” Nanami looked away. He had only ever really gotten tipsy with Haibara, but he guessed he drank more than he was used to. At least, that’s what his spotty memory and pounding head were telling him.

“Don’t worry about it. It wasn’t trouble but you definitely owe me for having to carry you passed out back to your dorm.” Gojo smirked.

Nanami’s eyes widened as a blush overtook his face, “You had to carry me back!?” He asked, embarrassed.

“Yep and I had to take your shoes off and get up close and personal with your stinky feet.” Gojo teased.

At that, the vein in Nanami’s head pulsed but he bit his tongue, “Well,” he began in a tight voice, “Thank you for carrying me back. I’ll be sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“Mhmm I’ll always be here to save you Nanaminnnnn” Gojo grinned as Nanami’s grip on his glass tightened and the vein pulsed faster.

Nanami didn’t even bother to reply, still partially ashamed that he made Gojo deal with him while he was drunk. He’d let his teasing go. This time.

As Gojo watched Nanami leave, he thought about everything that happened last night.

Nanami apparently didn’t remember anything, or he was just lying. Either way, Gojo wasn’t going to bring it up. It was a vulnerable night for both of them. And to be frank, Gojo was not one to be vulnerable around others. Suguru was the only one who ever got to see that side of him. At that thought, Gojo tensed, expecting to feel the same suffocating tightness in his chest that always accompanied thoughts of Suguru. But he didn’t. Yes, the tightness in his chest was still there, but it wasn’t as suffocating. It didn’t feel like somebody ripped a hole into his heart. He could breathe. And he did. A full breath of air, letting the thought of Suguru come and go. Maybe being vulnerable and trusting others wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

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Nanami left the kitchen and walked towards the bathrooms to take a shower. He had lied. He was drunk last night, yeah, but he remembers crying. He remembers hearing Gojo crying, asking the stars “why?” over and over again. He had even woken up in the middle of the night to find Gojo sleeping next to him, just like Yu used to, with Nanami’s hand on his shoulder. He’s surprised the boy didn’t tease him about it, as irritating him seems to be one of Gojo’s other innate techniques. But, he supposed even Gojo has limits. After all, they both lost their partners, their best friend, the person closest to them. Both because they were too weak, just in different ways. As Nanami climbed into the shower, he began to feel a sense of kinship with Gojo. And, was that even a spark of respect?

“Oh Nanamiiiiiinnnnnnnnn I thought of the first way you could repay me for my heroic selflessness and for having to smell your stinky feeeetttttt” Gojo sang from the hallway.

Nanami’s head began to pound harder. Nope. He definitely did not respect Gojo Satoru.

#my writing #posts #nanago #satosugu #nanami x haibara #nanami x gojo #gojo x geto #nanami #gojo #haibara #geto #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #hainana

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