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astrroloaries · 3 years

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🌷 General reading - May 🌷

I was called upon doing a general reading, before completing the individual ones that are requested of me. This hasn’t happened in a while because of my own personal problems that I have been dealing with. The pandemic has not been easy for your girl, but I am gathering myself up from the ashes, rising like a lil’ Phoenix babe that I am.

I will present you 3 options (piles) to choose from:

(from left to right: Pile 1 (the amethyst crystal), Pile 2 (the Rose Quartz crystal) & Pile 3 (the Ring with a red crystal)

Pile 1 (the amethyst crystal):

For you Pile 1, I feel like with the cards but as well as the crystal that was sort of guiding the cards anxiety will be clearing up or the process of has already started and you have started gaining more clarity mentally in that head of yours. You are moving from pain, difficulties into something new and undiscovered, not yet quite explored which is good. Transitions and changes have started/will start to happen for you, you will be moving toward that and away from all the difficulty – just like shedding your skin. For some of you it may even be a literal physical move – moving to a different city/state or just traveling for a while – those travels will bring clarity and resolving difficulties. Take your time, take your rest, take a holiday whatever are your options and move towards it with confidence and faith. Your relationships (all kinds) are going to strengthen at this time. If you haven’t left a situation that has brought you anxiety and only a strain on your mental health – this is a sign to do so. Leave the past behind you and work on yourself now, the future is bright for you. For these transitions you need to be wary, focused and careful. Always have tricks under your belt, this is a time to be strategizing your new moves and to be absolutely ready for what is coming. Be aware of any manipulations and failures, gather in your lessons, questioning is good right now in order to figure out your next moves and build a strategy, if plan A does not work, there is always plan B, plan C and you know how the alphabet works. With that said your time taken to figure things out will only open the portal of opportunities - which you will need to use to your advantage; manifesting and putting in the work while taking a bold step is definitely going to work out. Become aware of your resources, you will be like a link to both the material (the physical/or other work you need to put into the world) and the spiritual (manifestations); both will be on your side. The beginning of something new (in any field: career/relationships/projects/personal things). All of these new things and beginnings create options so a decision must be made by you. You will be presented with options and you will need to choose. Let this be absolutely your choice, assert your independence and dominance in this situation. Persevere and have courage, you might also have some sort of help (relying on a person, information, any type of resource depending on the situation take what resonates). “As you sow, you shall reap”. Independence, leadership, decisiveness, freedom.

For your Romance Angels Oracle cards: Calling in your Soul Mate – “Your prayers, affirmations and visualizations help bring you together”. Judging by this card, maybe you have been manifesting your soul mate, with prayers/affirmations and continued manifestations you will succeed (remember a soul mate is not only a romantic partner, it can be a co-worker, family member, best friend). Also it means working on yourself, so that you are in tune with the qualities you want to attract. Like attracts like, which is part of calling in your soul mate.

Attraction – “You attract romantic love by enjoying this moment fully.” But I guess you are more fixed on attracting a romantic soul mate. The best way to have romance in your life is through attraction, rather than through strenuous effort. You are most attractive when you are fully enjoying yourself and diving into each moment of your life fully. Your laughter, self-expression and body language are beautiful. Fully enjoy your life, focus on yourself, work on yourself, enjoy your day-to-day activities – by doing so you are actively working on yourself and being authentic, that authenticity will attract you what is it you want.

Heart-to-Heart conversations – “Honestly discuss your feelings with each other.” Once you manifest and meet your soul mate you have to be straight-forward and honest about where you stand and your boundaries. Having those important conversations at the very beginning is very important, that can be done between just the two of you or a helpful third party which can help you figure things out. Adjusting your boundaries and needs/wants at the beginning is very important, what you will/will not tolerate and etc. By sharing your feelings you have a better chance of teaching your partner and letting them know, rather than just suffering silently.

Pile 2 (the Rose Quartz crystal):

For Pile 2, there is a decision to be made. A choice that gives you a bit of anxiety, that is scattering your mind, you are trying to juggle everything but the time to decide has come. Those are both good options that you will/are presented with. If you fear losing something by making a choice, it will definitely not be a loss but rather it will be returned to you. Stop procrastinating and make a decision. Keep your stamina, keep up your energy, if things do not/have not turned your way this is a sign of things turning around for you soon. Judging by the next card, it tells me that you will make the right choice, you will turn to the right opportunity, your hard-work from now-on will definitely be shown to be fruitful and increase your success (in whatever field, take what resonates). Some of you may even change the course of direction which will definitely work out. It will be a slow but steady rise to success and income, even if delays are happening do not give up and keep following your slow success. Be patient. Try to not be overly anxious because of the delays (which will happen to some of you) all is going after the plan, just plan your next, constructive move and incorporate it into your plan. You will grow a lot with these experiences taking place, that is what honest effort and hard-work brings. Organize your moves and organizes your plans well, be ready for failure or short pit-stops, be patient and keep it kicking, do not give up. You must learn to be accountable for your past actions in a just manner if you hope to evolve into the next level of awareness. Do not worry your Higher Self will send you messages and signs along the way, so you could be closer/or even figure out your purpose. To achieve total balance we must learn to understand the power we have in our own existence. Once we learn to blend the higher-self with or daily thinking pattern, we will learn how to avoid the obstacles and pitfalls experienced when we operate fully on a materialistic level. As we learn to blend the two levels, we mature spiritually. It makes us grow stronger and develop an inner-strength that will help us to steer our lives in the right direction. Balance within gives us great strength to our character. Listen to your intuition, do not allow anyone to sway you away from your goals or influence you on your judgement. If you are in the throes of obtaining justice, especially with legal documents, solicitors and all types of legal actions, the outcomes are successful. For some of you regarding career, the Justice card leans favourably towards social work, the police force, careers involving legal issues and government departments. Lastly maybe someone embodying the King of Pentacles energy will help you, or it just tells me that you will be able to achieve the state of being portrayed by the King of Pentacles – you will finally have balance and a great financial ground, a stable base and feel secure, responsible and hard-working.

Romance Angels Oracle: Reconciliation – “Someone from your past is returning to your life.” Here it does not necessarily mean an “ex”, but maybe someone you’ve had some fights with (your partner), misunderstanding – it means it will come to an end and you will reconcile (of course if you accept). For some of you it is an “ex” (the first person that comes to mind might be the IT person). The purpose of it is to achieve healing and closure if it is a person from your past. You will understand more about yourself and see your relationships patterns more clearly. You will also take responsibility for the role you played in the drama (of the ex relationship/or of the recent fight) which will be very freeing. Making peace with a partner/friend/family member.

Keep an open mind – “Your soul mate may differ from your usual type and expectations.” If it is a fight that I mentioned in the previous card, this tells you to keep an open mind about the situation and that your partner will also heal and come to an understanding and take responsibility for the caused drama just like you have. For others, keep an open mind that the healing that came with the reconciliation will open your mind to seeing with different eyes, that your next soul mate will appear in a form that you did not expect. Maybe it is a person you already know, take a good look.

Passion – “Allow your heart and soul to sing with joy!” You have the power to revive passion in your life. Seek that which brings you joy, like a hobby, which brings this passionate person out of yourself. Focus on yourself. Anything that tickles your heart with joy and fills your with passion is the way to go. Having a passion for life itself will bring you to revive passion in your love life. Enjoying a moment completely, inspire your partner to do so as well. If you are single, enjoying the passion of day-to-day life will bring you a passionate individual to your side, who knows? Such passionate pursuits open doors to wonderful individuals.

Pile 3 (the Ring with a red crystal):

For you Pile 3, I see new opportunities to choose from that will lead you to your slow but steady success. Fresh, new energy and ready to take that offer! Now is the time to put favourable plans into action as they will be successful. There is a focus on the recognition of skills and hard work. You may find that employers or potential employers have taken note of your abilities and quality of work. You may be called upon to work on a project that will benefit from your skills. You will be rewarded for your hard-work and the right choice you made regarding that opportunity I mentioned. You might need to work with a team (of 2, or more depending on the job/project/field), but either way two heads are better than one. Long-term rewards are to be had after much hard work and personal effort. There may be a feeling that your efforts, talents and skills are being put to good use and you are helping others as well as yourself. Your efforts are recognized, acknowledged and appreciated, which brings personal satisfaction. Business opportunities and profitable ventures are highlighted when the III of Pentacles appears in a reading. Take advantage of this auspicious time. Financial affairs will blossom, particularly if you work for or within a large organization or family business. You may receive a great deal of personal satisfaction from the success of the venture and from recognition from others. The spiritual rewards will be great, though the material gain may be less than expected. For some of you this is an excellent time for construction or renovations to all buildings, be your homes, office buildings, sheds and the like. Plans and works will run smoothly and efficiently. Some of you will require a need for planning and forethought and can be a sign to slow down and consider things carefully before taking action, rather than taking on more than you can handle. The 3 of Pentacles asks that you expand your horizons, and investigate the ‘spiritual perfection’ that is freely available. Know that it is to be used for the highest good, using power, authority and right action. At this time release your fears and clear your head, you might be seduced to negative thoughts, but do not listen to them or people who might tell you a different judgement than yours. At this time your intuition and gut feelings will be strong, follow their lead. Do not be afraid, rely on yourself! The Moon tells that imagination triggers creativity, and appearing in a reading it may be inferring that you are more intuitive than you normally are at the moment. Use this to your advantage. The Moon appearing in a reading also tells of personal development, which gives you a feeling of justifiable joy and achievement. For some of you The Moon appearing in a reading tells you that at some point it will be necessary for you to face up to the situation and accept it for what it is in order to make any changes. It is time to face reality as you and others are living in a fantasy world. There is less chance of self-deception if you are in peak health as you are more likely to be mentally alert. Self pity is destructive and self-defeating, so avoid this non-productive emotion. The Moon card should inspire you to be true to yourself. In regards to others, if you have any concerns, now is the time to let them know how you feel and where you stand. For those of you more in-tune and aware of your psychic powers – pay attention to your dreams as well and messages around you. The Queen of Swords appearing right now, may be telling of you or someone (a female or someone with feminine energy) may be finding it difficult to deal and keep up with demands of daily, everyday life. The Queen of Swords may be foretelling of a situation where intuition, keen perceptions and wise counsel will be needed to overcome an uncomfortable or awkward situation. When the Queen of Swords is an indication that there may be someone who will give you wise counsel. This person is able to view the dilemma or issue from a higher perspective and see all from different angles. This person has spiritual depth and will not mince words when giving advice. For some of you, it is yourself achieving an end to a dilemma, just sharpening your mind and gaining wisdom from experiences, also achieving mental clarity and answers to all past traumas/experiences.

Romance Angel Oracle: Free Yourself – “It’s time to take back control of your life.” Some of you may be feeling trapped. Either you let others take control, or you feel smothered by career and life. If you attune yourself to yourself, you will be able to find out where this card applies. Discover in what ways/fields do you feel limited and constricted? Trust your answers and follow your intuition. Regarding to love, you must first experience passion in all fields of life, within yourself, and allow your heart to process all kind of emotions and openness. Acknowledging areas of your life where you feel discontent will help you. As you commit to taking back control, releasing what does not serve you, you become open to strengthening love – to yourself, partners/friends.

Getting to know each other – “As you reveal your innermost selves to each other, your bond deepens.” Once you go through the process discussed in the card above, I see that you will meet that person/people. You are guided to create intimacy and reveal your feelings, your dreams and desires, just the core of your being. For those of you already in a relationship, this is a message of healing between the two of you. Discussing with honesty will definitely help you heal and resolve. Regardless of the situation, this card guides you toward holding deep and honest discussion that will benefit your love life.

Healing family issues – “Your love life benefits as you forgive your parents.” When it comes to love, some of you will benefit by releasing anger toward one or both parents. That is important because that plays a role in your future relationships and how you see them and all the psychology behind your fears/expectations etc. To forgive does not mean you are endorsing their behavior. Forgiving is much more as an emotional detoxification, that will help you personally, get you to see more clearly. “I am no longer willing to carry this toxicity.” When you find inner peace regarding the situation with your parents, you’ll no longer need to attract unhealthy relationships. All of your relationships will benefit, especially the one you have with yourself.

#tarot #tarot cards #oracle cards #classic tarot #romance angels oracle cards #romance angels #reading #readings #general reading #piles #pile 1 #pile 2 #pile 3 #astrology

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mindlessselfdeprivation · 5 years

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The Nothing

It’s just like The Neverending Story. It’s not darkness, it’s not even a hole, because even hole would be something. No, this...this is just nothing.

That’s depression. That’s what true despair is, it’s The Nothing that eats up your everything. It bleaches your life, nothing has any color or flavor or texture anymore. Food sucks, company is annoying, being alone is excruciating and substances exist only as a shit-ass temporary floaty. Recreation means nothing anymore, every desperate action during the day is taken only to distract me from myself for a little bit longer. Sleep will come soon, and in sleep there’s just that sweet fucking nothing.

Which is what you feel like you constantly have, at any given time. Nothing. The Nothing has it now. And now every memory is covered in spikes, too painful to even go near.

Nothing can make you feel ok anymore, and your good days are the ones where you only brood and lament your life for a few hours out of the day. You know, as opposed to every second you’re awake.

Those days happen so much more often. I swear to fucking God, some days I feel like the pain inside me is gonna open a fucking hole in the earth. Like I’m no longer going to be able to keep this horrible monster at bay anymore, and the scream that finally peals out of me will shred my lungs and crack open an abyss that swallows me once and for all.

I fear for anyone that might be around when that bomb goes off. Which is another problem. Although I’m desperate to be seen and heard and known and loved, I’m fucking terrified of getting near anyone ever again, it seems like an absurd idea to even say it out loud. I’m a goddamned hurricane, I’m a fucking natural disaster on legs, an extinction level event taken human form. All of my relationships....it’s just a festering sewage basin, that whole area of my life. Everything there, flies and pestilence, disease and rot.

That’s my heart in there too. Fucking rotten, like an old forgotten tree stump wasting away in a swamp somewhere in whogivesafuck. Thinking on it, can I even love anymore? Do I even know what that is anymore?

An older woman I work with asked me for a hug the other day cause she was a little sad, thinking about her brother that died...and I was happy to oblige, she’s the sweetest little thing. And I realized - holy shit, this is the first real hug I’ve had in an entire year. I’ve hardly touched anyone for ten months outside of a handshake or a friendly bro-hug.

And afterwards she thanked me and said I gave great hugs, and it dawned on me...I remembered being a guy who loved hugs, remembered a guy that was very romantic and affectionate, that insisted on using physical touch to remind those around him that he loved them dearly....then I looked over from that guy to the one that’s in there now. What a shadow, what a husk he’s become. Empty and hollow and discarded. A lost soul...an inevitable consequence of The Nothing.

The worst thing? I mean, if there is a blacker black than all the rest...

The Apathy. That’s what The Nothing shits out and leaves behind for you. You just don’t....fucking....care...anymore.

I used to have passion, play music, learn language or just about any damn thing else (I was always such a junkie for knowledge), write stories or poetry or music or any one of a dozen other things that enjoyed. And I don’t even write this out of sadness or with some sense of self pity, this is just a cold, apathetic recall of facts. There was a guy who knew love and there’s the guy sitting there now. And those are simply two different guys. And the insurance adjuster in me is fairly certain that at this level of damage, it’ll cost more to repair the existing vehicle than it would to just buy a new one.

I don’t have any real relationships anymore. I have the ones that are necessary to maintain normal social function, but even those I put in just enough to get buy and no more. I’ve lost too much and hurt too deeply and hurt others far too much to let anyone close anymore. It’s hard to describe how it feels to look around you and realize you’re standing alone, no one around.

The only times I hear from someone is when they need something from me. I’m like a tool for rent. Why buy this thing when I only ever need to use it once in a blue moon?

Family? No, two sisters and two brothers in law that I don’t know anymore and they definitely don’t know me. A mom that taught me to use people like pawns and a dad so devoid of emotion and connection that it’s impossible to communicate, a daughter I never see or speak to anymore and an ex that swore we’d remain amicable for the sake of our daughter but slowly, methodically, and fucking brilliantly shut me out of her life completely...and my daughter with her by extension. Friends? No one there that knows me either, just people I talk to on occasion to spend a little bit of my distraction time with someone else.

But no one around me knows this. I put on a pretty decent mask I suppose, my boss apparently thought I was a really happy guy and married with kids. Ha. Cool, it’s working. I’ve gotten good at camouflage. It’s just another form of lying, and I’m incredibly good at lying.

Talking about it, is like...what’s the fucking point? This is a tar pit, baby. I’m not bringing anyone else in this. Even if you were standing right next to me with a brilliant torch, this darkness, this Nothing around me is far too thick to see it.

I miss writing though, maybe that’s why I’m finally doing this. Putting something down. I’m going to commit to talking to this fucking thing everyday. No one knows me here, I barely use this website. I only ever got onto it for....well, another person who eventually left. Maybe that’s why I feel I can be ok here, being naked and bleeding and fucked up and real.....no one who knows me by my mask will have to know what lives underneath it. This is my tree of trust.

I don’t want this to just be a dumping ground for depressed Emo bullshit though, I can go listen to Dashboard Confessionals while cutting myself if I wanted to go there. What I want is a true exploration and record of The Nothing as it grows stronger, what it’s taking, what fuels it, can I escape. I don’t want help either, I don’t think there is any such thing (see tar pit reference above). Maybe you’re always alone too, maybe you’re also constantly afraid that the house of cards will get blown down and people will see the real ugly inside.

Maybe this is just me yelling into the wind that you’re alone, but not so alone. Maybe all of us are and none of us. Maybe I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I’ve tried to remember it, you know. Happiness. I’ve tried to find that motherfucker like Sherlock and his dear Watson, complete with cocaine and violins. You ever try to think of a nice warm fire while you’re soaking wet and freezing your balls off? And how’d that work out for ya? Same idea - “Just think happy thoughts” is like telling someone that just fell into arctic waters that they should “Just think of a nice warm fire”.

Hopefully, they’re still giving you the finger when their body gets frozen in place. It’d be a bit of justice, if there is such a thing.

That happiness is like the thought of a warm blanket when I’m currently buried in snow. Doesn’t actually exist.

There’s not a day where I don’t wake up wishing to fuck that I hadn’t. And there isn’t a night that I go to sleep that I don’t pray that I won’t wake up this time. Life has become a grueling marathon of pain and most days I have trouble figuring out why I fucking bother.

Even as I’m writing this, I’m constantly stopping to wonder what’s the fucking point.

I’ve gone on dating apps, funny enough. But every time I actually think about having a connection with someone, it honestly freaks me the fuck out. I’m so fucking damaged, there’s just no fucking way I’ll find someone with a back strong enough to help me carry all this baggage. I freak out and delete the account.

It’s completely not about the sex for me, if you can believe it. I’ve got such a low libido recently that even the idea of it lately gives me paralyzing anxiety. I don’t want to have sex if it’s not with someone I have a good intellectual connection with, and I never have. The problem with that is that sex in my mind is held on this strange pedestal where it straddles the line between sacred entity and foul beast, and it’s gotten so complicated and ridiculous that I just don’t care anymore.

There isn’t anything even tempting or alluring about sex anymore. Even masturbation is almost completely without enjoyment, used every so often as a tool for general upkeep. And even this The Nothing has it’s hands on. The other day, I stumbled on a video that looked almost exactly like my child’s mother with another man...and I got physically ill. After throwing up 3 times and shaking for nearly an hour, I slowly pulled myself back from the panic attack I was having.

I didn’t eat for 3 days and I couldn’t get another erection for more than a week. Suppose it’s safe to say I’m still in love with that woman, I guess. Not only did I feel like absolute shit that whole week, I felt like shit for feeling like shit. My Yin and my Yang were both very very pissed off. This is just one of a number of broken fuses and faulty wires inside this broken machine.

Sometimes I wish we had the ability to do a form of Vulcan Min-meld, but with emotions and empathy. Especially when someone asks what’s wrong. Just grab their hand and rest it gently over my heart and let it tell the story for which I’ll never have the words.

That’s also why I’d be scared like hell if that were possible, I’d be afraid the weight of it would crush them. I’m not trying to be really morose or hyperbolic, I’m fairly certain the vast majority of people walking around out there don’t carry this. I’ve talked to them, I know them. When you’ve spent a fucking lifetime perfecting your camouflage and your tower of lies, you can spot someone else playing that game from a mile away. And I’m not saying everyone else out there is skipping through a magic pixie lolly-pop fairyland or anything, but most people out there are general pretty stoked about being alive and doing stuff. People like me are out there, but I don’t see very many people that are under the spell of The Nothing.

I fucking hope not, this is an existence I wouldn’t wish on anyone, friend or foe. On that note, I also hope you aren’t going through that as well if you’re reading this right now. If you’ve never counted the different ways you could choose to end your life instead of counting sheep to fall asleep at night, you are truly blessed.

I hope you stay whole. And with whatever capacity I’m still capable of feeling it, I love you. Cause maybe you don’t hear it that often either, and for that I’m sorry. I’d rather go without food than love, and I’ve been in both spots before.

I hope The Nothing never finds you.

Until next time.

#TheNothing #Depression #WhoCares

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ganymedesclock · 6 years

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An add on to my other ask because I’m suddenly in a Lance™ mood: specifically, Lance is characterized a lot by fandom as super self-sacrificing, and I’m wondering what your two cents are on that?

Well, since my first part of the reply (didn’t know you were sending more) was mostly about how to help anchor character reads in canon, I feel more comfortable talking more about my own read here.

So you have to consider Voltron in general has a thing of… character balancing, just like a fighting game. All of the pilots are set up in a certain way, with strengths and weaknesses. So they have an “ideal” style, strategy, mentality, that their skills are built to accommodate.

For example Hunk literally flings himself in the line of fire to protect his allies all the time, but nobody thinks of him as self-sacrificial, because thanks to the way the Yellow Lion is built, Hunk’s almost never even close to in danger from it. His willingness to provoke weblums, slam into fighters, put himself between the Ark of Taujeer and a scalding acid pit, etc. makes sense because he’s driving the most heavy-armored Lion of Voltron. He’s able to take that punishment, no problem, and that’s why he allocates it onto himself and away from his allies.

Lance is similar, and one of the greatest contentions I have with a lot of Lance fanon is it feels like they don’t look at what are his real strengths. Because a huge amount of fanwork, in particular a huge amount of langst, depicts him basically like a fish drowning.

The Blue and Yellow Lions are Voltron’s legs. Literally. They’re larger than Red and Green, and have a more docile temperament. Again, they’re very literally the stabilizing and supporting cores of the team. Red and Green are both unstabilized- Red by passion, and Green by an insatiable, ravening curiosity and desire for personal growth- she’s the embodiment of change and new thinking so she’s never quite content living the same way all the time. Green is the only Lion who didn’t just awaken a power her paladin didn’t have before, but obtained, and gave to Voltron, a power that hadn’t existed before- Pidge gifted Green the ability to cloak.

But there’s a reason both Red and Green are lighter-armored, smaller, and more vulnerable. That’s the price they pay for their changeable, volatile natures. It’s reflected in their elements- fire blazes up, gutters, dies, and is rekindled. It’s not stationary and it’s not a constant. Trees grow, die, decay, crumble, sprout again. Neither forest nor flame is the same minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

Compared to that, land and sea have an inherent nature that lives by geological time. Parts of them can change, rage, storm, but the overwhelming nature of it remains the same. The seafloor doesn’t suddenly breach to sunlight.

I mentioned with Hunk- Hunk is the physical, practical defender of the team in a lot of regards. He is often the most wary of strangers, and from the start, he’s the one who airs the question of “Okay, but… do we know for sure we have to fight these people? We might be able to appease them. What are the consequences of that?” and when the consequences mean it’s not worth it, he drops the subject.

Lance isn’t as much of a protector- but it’s been mentioned in official interviews that Blue’s character is the nurturer, the healer, a kind of mother figure out of the Lions. Blue is loving, compassionate, empathetic, and an emotional healer.

And that’s the regard where we see that Lance takes up other characters’ burdens, because he’s best suited to handle them. This is Lance’s area of expertise.

Because Lance talks about his feelings, earnestly. And he does so in a manner that is very effective. He will air his own negative self-talk, but also challenge it in the same sentence.

So I think the problem here is people over-focus on the negative things Lance says and not how much he challenges them. They focus on “Seventh wheel” and not the annoyed way he says Laika doesn’t have to agree with him that quickly, and, “They wouldn’t keep me around if I didn’t contribute something,” or the fact that Lance’s ultimate word in that episode is confidence. Nobody prompted him to make that shot or made him believe he could- he said, with certainty, to Shiro and Pidge, people he worried might not value him, that he could make that shot, and did, and when Shiro commended him on it, Lance’s response was smug. It wasn’t shocked or awed.

Lance knew his good quality, he highlighted it, he was hurt when Pidge didn’t seem to have noticed it about him, and talked about that with Laika, and his ultimate conclusion is “No, I am good at this, I am important, and I can have confidence in my skills.”

Which, frankly, Lance talking shop about his feelings is impressive. It’s something I find very relatable about Lance because I’m someone who tends to try and dismantle my thinking aggressively a lot. If I feel something I want to figure out why I feel that. This level of pedantic dismantling of a cartoon show? I do this with my life. Hell, that’s the whole reason I’m here, is because I got invested in surgically dissecting why and how stories make me feel things.

And that, I feel like, is what Lance is doing, not wallowing in his feelings. Rather, as someone who swims freely in the realm of emotions, these things aren’t unknown to him, they aren’t unstoppable- he doesn’t leave them where they can fester and hurt himself and others. He roots out his own destructive thinking and questions, challenges it. If he’s feeling bad and someone around him even seems to be listening- as the case of Laika who probably didn’t actually understand most of what he was saying- he’ll talk about it.

This is the sign of someone who’s not just emotionally healthy but prodigiously so.

So this all comes down to: Lance is good at emotions. He’s good at his own emotions, and he’s good at other people’s emotions. It’s rare that we ever see him actually get manipulative, but, we’ve gotten a few glimpses that if he was a little less discerning and a little less empathetic, Lance could be as much of an interpersonal mastermind as Lotor is:

S1e1, Lance, having identified Pidge is sorely emotional about Kerberos, casually brings it up in an unrelated conversation purely to observe her reaction. He then, valuing sincerity, drops his uninterested facade and explains why he’s poking her, but he easily could’ve left it up and feigned that it was a coincidence.

Earlier in that same episode, he baits Iverson into chewing him out to distract him from Pidge, something that goes off without a hitch since neither Iverson nor Pidge actually seem to realize he did that.

S4e4 tells us that Lance is the only person out of the team who can act. And he acts well. I went on a big ramble about this but the point of all of Worm Coran’s assigned roles is they’re totally incongruous with who the paladins really are. But Lance not only takes this contradictory identity and runs with it, it’s one that he picked up on his own. So Lance can, without a hitch, pretend to be someone who he fundamentally isn’t. He’s a performer, he’s an actor, and he knows how to make a crowd love him by showing them what they want to see.

Again- these are exactly the type, and level, of skills that Lotor plies to devastating effect in s3e1 and pretty much the only difference between them is Lance cares enough about being sincere to people that he’ll show his hand.

We have seen Lance be more directly “sacrificial”, in terms of his action in s1e4, but looking at that scene…

Lance realizes something is amiss, again, because of emotions. Rover doesn’t respond to him properly, and isn’t following Pidge the way it normally does. It’s acting contrary to its personality- and Lance, in a span of five seconds, with one question, plays ‘spot the impostor’ with a faceless robot he’s known for like two days and hasn’t spent much time with. I’ve cited this before but it tells us quite how good Lance is at reading people emotionally.

And what happened before that?

Coran is one of the first relative strangers we see Lance really open up to, and they have a warm, sentimental moment about homesickness. This is a pretty big deal considering Coran, from his perspective very recently, lost his own home, and had specifically left the party to check on Lance and make sure he was okay, and Lance opened up to him in earnest.

There’s a real, strong emotional connection here. And when Lance realizes that’s not Rover- and they’re in the room with something dangerous- his response?

He throws himself at Coran to protect him.

Remember, Allura stated in s3e2 that the quality that the notoriously hard to impress Red Lion found worthy and noble in Lance is his ability to prioritize the wellbeing of others above personal gain.

That’s what’s afoot here- it has nothing to do with Lance’s insecurity or thinking that he’s less important. It’s that- in moments of necessity, in dire situations- Lance is driven by a clear sense of importance, and a lot of compassion.

In s1e4: Whatever the hell is happening right now he’s not letting it get Coran.

In s3e2: he’s still nursing his own disappointment about being rejected by the Black Lion, and it does hurt to see Keith get the position- but this isn’t about winning. Keith is terrified and upset and feels like they’re doing this to give up on Shiro, and it’s setting off all kinds of trauma and fears of rejection, and Lance can’t sit by and watch Keith be in that dark place without trying to say something to reassure and support him.

And this stays through s3e3- Lance is frustrated with Keith’s decisions, but he determinedly sticks with him and tries to talk him around, never once giving up on getting through to him or holding it over his head when Keith flat-out admits Lance was right all along. His focus is much more on the fact that, again, this all is born from Keith being in an awful place mentally.

And there’s a reason I say with certainty Lance isn’t sacrificial because of low self-esteem, because we can contrast it with someone who definitely is: Keith.

Here’s the thing about Keith’s sacrifices. They tend to be completely senseless. The ones in s4e1 and s4e6 jump out but he was doing this all the way back in s1e11- where he attempts to solo Zarkon and gets his ass handed to him spectacularly.

Keith’s sacrifices are poorly conceived, and he usually has the barest idea that he’s actually accomplishing something. The goal he’s trying to bite off is so comically oversized as soon as he mentions it, you can’t help but go “Keith… no.”

No, Keith as a rookie Lion pilot who’s barely been flying this thing for maybe two weeks tops is not going to take out Emperor Goddamn Zarkon in single combat without any backup whatsoever as Coran spends the entire time trying to tell him.

No, Keith sitting in a standard imperial fighter ship which we’ve seen a Lion’s jaws crush like paper thousands of times is not going to breach the barrier of an imperial battleship when we’ve seen the Yellow Lion slam a much lower-caliber barrier upwards of ten different times before finally getting through it. As Matt was trying to tell Keith.

The only reason Keith survived either of those situations was someone else intervening- Shiro in s1e11, and Lotor in s4e6.

Conversely, when Lance sticks his neck out? He was only heavily injured once, when he had no idea what was coming and had no time to react to it outside of trying to protect Coran, and other times, when he does have a better idea of what he’s going for, he usually will succeed at his goal even if he bungles certain steps (such as s2e2, infiltrating the palace and giving Hunk the antidote). There’s no sense of Lance going headfirst into an awful situation with no chance of success and having to get dragged away by someone else saving him.

The difference between Lance and Keith taking risks at personal expense is the very difference Kolivan in s4 tries to grill Keith about- that as the leader of an organization that deals with frequent losses where members live with the reality their buddies aren’t often in a position to rescue them if they get in trouble, he can tell perfectly well that Keith isn’t operating with a sense of big perspective- he’s taking poorly conceived risks and not worrying about them hurting him.

If anything, I always read Lance throwing himself over Coran to shield him from the explosion as a lot like Lance in s1e1 running up to Allura to catch her. It’s his inherent compassion at work more than anything else- he sees someone else about to get hurt and that stirs him to action faster than his practical evaluation of the situation. Again, in s1e4, it feels more than anything else like Lance just plain didn’t know it would hurt him as much as it did because in the moment he was more worried about Coran. Thinking of himself- and thus, his mentality towards himself- didn’t even factor in.

#voltron legendary defender #vld #Lance #Keith #readmore

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dalbirbedi · 3 years

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Self-Motivation: Why Is It important?

Do you sometimes wake up in the morning without any drive or passion?

You’re not alone. Many people sometimes find themselves struggling to push themselves.

When you feel a lack of energy, ask yourself some questions to know yourself and reignite your drive.

Who are you? What are your strengths? Are you happy with where you are? Do you enjoy waking up every morning to go to work? Are you celebrating your successes or dwelling on failures?

The famous Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

Knowing yourself can motivate you to push yourself to meet your goals. Self-reflection helps widen your perspective and allows you to see things differently. You’re able to categorize your goals more efficiently when you learn to reflect on your actions.

Self-motivation or the ability to motivate yourself is an important skill. It helps you to carry on despite setbacks and seek new opportunities.

Personal motivation can come from various places in life. It could be a promotion at work or admission to the university of your dreams. But understanding what comes naturally to us and what pushes us to perform better lies at the heart of self-motivation.

Harappa Education’s Interpreting Self course empowers you to explore different aspects of your life. It teaches you the importance of self-motivation to achieve career goals.

Identifying your strengths, aspirations and work styles will help you understand the kind of person you are. The Kaleidoscope Framework in the course will help recognize the areas of your life where you can put in more work. Look inwards to first know who you are and whether you want to achieve personal or professional goals.

Let’s now look at the meaning of self-motivation, why self-motivation is important and self-motivation examples.

What Is Self-Motivation?

Self-motivation is the reason why you do what you do. To put it simply, it’s the reason why you go to work, why you love your family, and why you enjoy traveling or reading. It’s about knowing what you really want.

The meaning of self-motivated is derived from passion and an underlying desire to achieve something. Personal motivation is a crucial driving factor in your professional journey. Nothing can stand in your way if you’re sure of what you want to do and how you want to do it.

Harappa’s Lead Habit focuses on self-development. You can leverage your strengths to realize objectives or you can alter your strategy if something isn’t working. Self-motivation can be developed if you leverage your strengths to your advantage.

Why Is Self-Motivation Important?

Let’s look at the importance of self-motivation for personal growth. Self-motivation is important because it does not let you depend on others and drives you tap your strengths to meet your goals. It also helps you ensure your work on your weaknesses and don’t let them hinder your plans.

Here are some key aspects of self-motivation and why you need to build it:

1. Surviving in a competitive world

The world may throw problem after problem at you, but if you’re motivated you can overcome any challenge. To hold out against the competition is one of the most useful skills you can develop. Not only does it give you the power to withstand setbacks but also helps you grow as an individual.

2. Achieving personal goals

Try to understand the meaning of self-motivated in the context of your personal life. For instance, you may be keen to volunteer abroad in Bali and help with the rehabilitation of turtles. You can either do your research and reach out to the relevant wildlife organization or you can get bogged down by why your plan won’t work.

Reasons such as lack of funds, trepidation about visiting a new country or a fear of stepping out of your comfort zone will always hold you back. The first step comes from conviction and determination. You have to believe in yourself and convince yourself that you can do anything you put your mind to.

3. Doing well in a professional setting

To really do well at work, you need to know your strengths and weaknesses. Self-motivation drives you to move past setbacks and failures to learn from your mistakes. It’s easy to feel bogged down at work, especially when you have a deadline coming up and you’re already running behind schedule.

You can approach this problem in two ways. You can either continue to feel discouraged or you can buckle up and get moving. Part of personal motivation is to push yourself to face every hurdle that comes along.

What Are Internal And External Motivators?

What you think, do or say is determined by both internal and external factors. Internal motivators include your thoughts, passion and desire to do something. This can be anything from visiting a close friend to listening to your favorite music. External motivators are elements such as buying a house or performing well at work.

Every day you have to strive to strike a balance between internal and external motivators. Let’s look at an example to understand the meaning of self-motivator.

Mariyam was recently inducted into her new role as a sales associate for an e-commerce website. Before this, she used to work for a nonprofit children’s center. Two months into her new job, Mariyam started to feel the pressure of meeting her monthly sales targets. She began to miss her old workplace even though it paid little compared to now. Her determination to accumulate her savings for the future and move to a bigger house motivated her to continue in her new role.

Self-motivation examples such as this one focus on how you can meet yourself halfway. The ideal situation is one where your internal motivators are aligned with external motivators. Think about a scenario where you love what you do and you’re getting paid enough to sustain the kind of lifestyle you desire. It’s not unattainable. Self-motivation helps you persevere and deal with testing situations on a daily basis.

Ways To Sustain Self-Motivation

We’ve all heard the saying “you are your own worst critic”. Instead of telling yourself why you can’t do something, think of why you can. You can do a lot more than you give yourself credit for. One way to go about it is to align your goals with your strengths. Work hard to refine your existing skills so that you become the best version of yourself

However, it’s important to remember that because you’re feeling motivated today doesn’t guarantee you’ll feel motivated tomorrow. This is a continuous process where you have to act as a personal coach to train your thought process.

Here are some self-motivation practices to achieve your long-term goals:

1. Adopt a positive belief system

It’s not always easy to stay positive, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t try. Adopting a positive belief system can help you during difficult times. If you keep talking down to yourself instead of lifting yourself up, you’ll fall into a pit of despair. Try to inculcate positive habits and embrace positive thoughts to block out any negativity.

2. Vision boards

A great source of personal motivation is a vision board. You must’ve seen plenty of vision boards on Pinterest packed with personal goals and uplifting quotes. Create a vision board for yourself and add pictures of things you wish to buy, your favorite bands or artists you want to meet, your dream travel destination and one thing you want to achieve in the next year. That’ll serve as a constant reminder to get moving on your goals.

3. Nature is therapeutic

Now more than ever, we understand the importance of connecting with our natural environment. Many people suffer a deep, inexplicable sadness—or what we call melancholy—when they’re away from nature for too long. Go to your neighborhood park and enjoy a leisurely walk outdoors. It’ll help you organize your thoughts and think clearly.

4. Music can lift your soul

It may be a tired cliché but music can really lift your soul. Whether you have a job interview in an hour and you’re having a mini panic attack or you had to cancel your trip to Peru because of a pandemic, there’ll be multiple situations when you won’t know what to do. In such cases, music can be the escape you need to clear your head and come up with an action plan.

5. Focus your attention on the most important task

Prioritize your tasks to motivate yourself. The Eisenhower Principle is a good way to categorize your to-do list. Former US President Dwight D. Eisenhower devised the ‘urgent-important matrix’ to categorize tasks as ‘urgent’, ‘not urgent’, ‘important’ and ‘not important’. This is a useful tool to prioritize tasks and work on the ones that require immediate attention.

Personal motivation is important because it gives you room to think about yourself. Harappa’s Interpreting Self course not only teaches you the importance of self-motivation but also helps you assess your strengths to develop self-awareness. Sign up for the online course to know yourself so that you can motivate yourself and get back in the groove.

Explore our Harappa Diaries section to know more about topics related to the Lead habit such as What is Leadership, Meaning of Resilience, Humility, Self-Esteem, Work Ethic & Meaning of Mentoring.

Raise Your Game!

Smart stories that make your world of work better!!

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finsterhund · 5 years

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Here lies 2018, a creatively bankrupt year for Finsterhund, but maybe that is for the best.

This year was um... bad... I think. But that doesn't stop me from really being hopeful for the future. I have a dark confession though. I feed off of negativity in a way that scares me and I don’t know how to face it.

Here’s my thoughts about the past year and my hopes for the future. Warning: it gets dark.

This year we moved into a “temporary house” another one, but this time it was one I actually cried because of how much I was actively afraid to live here. That didn't convince my roommates though lmao. No proper bedroom lighting, having to walk through a dark forest to get to the bus stop, and suspicious neighborly activities were things that I had to deal with here. It is oh so fortunate that I will be moving.

After 2017; the Year of Wannabe, being lied to about my dog dying, and getting groomed by someone who was nice to me on the internet (again) I was an emotional wreck. I was paranoid that abusive people like Wannabe, his artist, my dad, the guy I thought was my friend, and others similar might cause issue or be even more of a problem this year. Fortunately, the horrible fears I assumed may transpire and ruin everything did not rip through Internet Land(tm) but I was still kept in a constant state of paranoia.

The antifandom didn't return either, with the exception of a vindictive troll called Zachary. You’ll probably notice that my posts about him trailed off relatively recently. It was revealed that he was dealing with verbally abusive parents. While they don’t excuse his actions, they certainly explained them. I only hope with time he gets out of that environment and learns to express opinions in a healthy way. That’s something I still struggle with. For similar reasons.

A youtube gaming channel did play HoD and spread some false allegations against the game’s devs “as a joke” which was pretty sick and not actually a joke. False allegations are bad. They diminish when people do actual real bad things and make the people who do those bad things feel empowered to say “you are just a call out post maker who hates free speech” and things like that. But fortunately, people who aren't completely stupid didn't believe it.

So despite nothing really serious happening this year, I was still considerably anxious. My mental state has been slowly and surely getting worse every year I’m not medicated, and my physical health has been blatantly declining too. The symptoms of my weaker immune system have been getting worse, and my appetite has been getting bigger. I've found out recently that unlike regular depression and most mental illnesses and disorders, cabin fever can cause heightened appetite and food cravings. For the longest time I felt invalid because my mental illnesses are supposed to take away my appetite, not make it worse, but by finally acknowledging that I suffer from longterm cabin fever, I've come to terms with the fact that it does indeed make sense.

Now to find a way of dealing with cabin fever... haha... ha...ha.

But my situation left me creatively bankrupt. Paranoid, anxious, and very tired. I still did draw and try to write, but that gradually became harder and harder as my laptop began to fail in the summer. In fall, finally, when Microsoft forced that October update, the hard disk stopped for good, and I lost the considerable amount of things left that I hadn't yet backed up. Despite getting a replacement that I can still draw and write with, a big chunk of my passion died with that hard disk. I’m very sentimental, I don’t let go of things easily. The end of an era can make it so that the new era takes way too long to start up from the rubble.

Interestingly enough however, is that the same creative affliction and severe negative downward spiral that killed my ability to draw and write after the death of my laptop also happened to Wannabe’s Artist, for no reason, who sub sequentially just started tanking emotionally. This is something I've noticed a few times. The people who hurt me having bad things happening to them that follow the same trend of bad things happening to me. Wannabe’s computer being plagued by the same Windows 10 updates that killed mine, Wannabe’s Artist losing her passion.

I've come to the conclusion that the reason why the universe forces me to suffer is in order to make the evil people who have done bad things to me suffer as well. It’s a form of balance. I must take the same bullet that they do. I know this is likely my paranoia and psychosis talking, but I really feel that if karma does exist, that is how it works. I take comfort in my suffering, because it has to be this way. Good can only exist because of suffering also existing. If I am to be a lighting rod, I hope that the good that comes as a result of my pain is powerful and beneficial to the other people who receive it.

The internet censorship has gotten worse, but considering where I stand on certain issues now, part of me thinks that’s for the best. Am I willing to sacrifice certain freedoms in order to ensure that evil people don’t feel welcome? Well, I don’t know, but it was nice seeing Wannabe’s Artist almost get banned from multiple websites and actually get banned from several. She made a new tumblr account and it promptly got banned. She made ANOTHER new tumblr account and lost in in the purge. Despite me not liking censorship, there’s a strange poetic justice watching it claim someone you don’t like as the result of nothing more than their own actions.

It’s strange how perspective can change how you think about things. Your world view can shift with one different experience. I hope that I have not been permanently shifted into being a combative person because of this.

There’s a really strange and extremely malicious and negative but still gratifying comfort in knowing that awful people who ruined your life are suffering just the same as you. We all are little mortal beings made of flesh being buffeted around by a cold uncaring world. It was the same feeling I got watching the security footage of my predator birth father being tasered after punching a police officer. Police brutality is wrong, I’ll never say it isn't. But the fact that it is wrong doesn't mean that he didn't deserve it. There’s a sickness deep in my heart to derive enjoyment in the suffering of others, something that I feel destroys what little purity I've managed to hold onto and hoard away and value so highly as a remnant of what I used to be, but I don’t know how to fight it. It feels instinctive to be honest, like gratification or release. I’d like to say that only genuinely awful people suffering make me feel like this, but even some people who I just don’t like will have bad things happen and I’ll have to stop myself from feeling enjoyment from it. Is there a way to cure this? Prevent it? Is it selfishness or is it entirely subconscious? How do I even start not feeling this way. I don’t know. I don’t want it in my life. I want it to stop. But it just fills me before I have a chance to tell myself it’s wrong.

Do I feel awful, guilty, and ashamed that I feel this way? Of course. Do I know that it’s wrong to feel this way? Also yes. At this point though, my vicious hatred of those who have done me wrong is a very powerful motivator. To live just to spite them, to go through hardships to sit back and watch them do the same. To see that those my paranoia-riddled brain deems “powerful beings of abuse” being tripped and cut and crushed by the same mortal perils that make it hard for me to keep on going is a better psychosis cure than anything I've had access to this year. “If it bleeds, we can kill it” that sort of thing. Humanizing these big imposing evils by remembering that they are people, just like me, is the key to getting over my fear of them. The same problems I face are faced by them. How then can they be agents sent by an organization or monsters specifically created by the universe to torment me? We’re all just little dudes. Them included.

I hope with time I can learn to stop delighting in the hardships of others, even if these people are bad, have done bad things, or have done me wrong. It’s a toxic mentality to have those thoughts, even if it’s the fire I need to dig myself out of the pits I've fallen down into.

This year I “lost” a good friend of mine. Lili. I have no way of knowing if you are safe, if you have gotten better, and I refuse to entertain the alternative. You stopped coming online completely and I briefly received anonymous messages from a relative saying you were deathly sick, then nothing. I think of you every day and pray you are alright. I miss you a lot. I hope you’re happy and healthy wherever you are.

This year I had a friend have a cancer scare, and I lost someone I had grown to consider a friend at the beginning of spring to cancer in the summer. I don’t know how to process it. I don’t handle death properly. I've more so been numb and in denial of it. I’m afraid of losing people I care about. They’re the only good in the world to me.

I deny my own mortality, I joke about it, I crave it. But it comes into my mind when I’m trying to sleep too. Apparently I have just short of ten years left, if estimations about atrophy are to be believed. But I am not a statistic, I’m a person. I think “Since I am going to die soon anyways why couldn't I die instead of this person? Why couldn't I be in the hospital. This person deserves to live. They do good in the world. What will I do?” But at the same time, I think “How will I manage to live my dreams in just ten years. How will I have a full life? Maybe they’re wrong and I’ll be 100 years old when I am dead. But what if it is true and I’m just starting to live when it ends? What happens when it ends?” Every year pushes me closer to facing that, and I don’t know how. Once my metabolism slows, what will that mean for my heart? Will it be another fluke where “life finds a way” or will they be right this time? It scares me. It really does. My current plans are expecting that I will need mobility assistance devices then. I deny the expedited mortality. But I think about how I haven’t accomplished much and I feel a strong sense of loss.

Unfortunately, and probably a big reason for my downward spiral was that I set my hopes up for something this year that wouldn't happen, and didn't happen.

2018 Marked the 20th anniversary for Heart of Darkness, and I practically begged and pleaded to the universe, wished on every wishing star, and did everything short of selling my soul for a remake, sequel, art book, remaster, anything.

Needless to say, these efforts were in vain. I watched as other beloved games that I had fond memories of like Spyro and Crash got remastered, hoping and pleading that HoD would follow suit.

And it didn't.

I set myself up for disappointment, which ended up making me feel hopeless as the “Great Heart of Darkness Year” could never have turned out like I had wanted. My mentality for life is usually “expect the least, always be pleasantly surprised when something happens” but for this year I let optimism and hope fly a bit out of control, and sooner or later if it’s not met with real results it’s going to come crashing down.

I’m making it sound like the year was completely awful only made bearable by it also being awful for my mortal enemies, but that wouldn't be entirely true.

I got some really good art at cons, from friends, and just regular fan art that other fans have made and posted. I did get to do some fun things every once in a while, even if my seasonal depression has numbed them all in my mind right now. I’ll come back to this post and add them.

Right at the beginning of the year, (or was it the end of the last year?) I got to have a skype call with Eric. THE ERIC. And he complimented my Andy hat. I didn't post my write up about the call because I felt it wouldn't be fair to overshadow such a wonderful event with all the negativity that was happening at the time the post was finished. So I waited... and waited... and waited... and never did post it. Maybe I should rectify that. And rewrite the post because it was on my old laptop when it died OTL I felt bad because due to my inability to sleep at night I probably looked exhausted to Eric. I hope he didn't think I was bored. But he made HoD, and it’s blatantly obvious how closely I identify to Andy, so it’s likely he understood the reason I looked like a zombie. Sorry Eric. I was excited beyond belief inside. I just didn't let it out verbally for fear of being rude.

We did get to see the Saturn disc. It helped me retain some positivity after this holiday season drug me down into a dark hole.

Was it this year that I got my computer chair? It might not have been but I’m so thankful for how it saved my back and stopped my chronic pain from making it impossible for me to sit and draw that I’ll thank it anyway. Thank you chair.

I’m really grasping at straws but I know there were lots of things I just can’t remember now. I’ll add them later.

My friend Fishy(Rob) was absolutely incredible to me for the entire year. Offering great headcanons, compassionate support, words of encouragement, and donating to me to always ensure the HoD website stays online forever. For Christmas he also sent me Tiny, who I’d like to say has finally gotten along with Whisky stuffy and they can share my bed now no problem. I also report that I loved all the candy he sent me and it was all amazing and I’m now a fan of macadamia nuts. It’s because of Fishy that I didn't completely lose my passion for writing and drawing. I’m going to be posting my finished fanfic after I sleep this morning.

I mean it when I say that Fishy is one of the last great lighthouses shining in the horrible turbulent storm that is whatever the hell my existence has become at this point. Every day I think about how we are friends and it makes me feel happy.

This year I reconnected with my oldest friendship. My funky mushroom pal XP I hope we will get to visit again sometime soon.

I did try to remain close with my friends, but I feel I did drift apart from some friends. I know it’s not either of our faults, life happens, but I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. I just got tired all the quicker this year. Slow, tired, easily overwhelmed. Hopefully next year I can be energetic and close. That’s how I want to be.

My resolutions for this year are probably still the same or similar to last year but I forgot what they were.

Stop being so paranoid and obsessive and scared.

Don’t give up on creative endeavors

Maintain and strengthen my friendships

Get my service dog

Get medications. That’s really important.

Get to see doctors regularly. With my issues I should be seeing one once a month. I haven’t seen one in over a year.

Do things, eat things, see things more

L I V E

Stop taking everything so seriously.

Talk more to Fishy and my friends in general.

Stand up for myself, even to people who are in authority or who I trust.

Learn to let things go.

Make some great HoD stuff.

Don’t put off fun things like video games because I don’t feel I “deserve” them.

Permanently kill the part of me that delights in the suffering of others. I don’t know how, but I’m gunna try. I want to be pure again, and as much as I feel that that was stolen from me, it’s mine to reclaim and I've just gotta work hard for it.

Purity is a state of mind. I need to live that state of mind and realize that that will be infinitely more important than biting and lashing out in an effort to “avenge” it.

With that being said, I really do feel that a lot of my problems can be negated by having access to mental health specialists, doctors, medicine, fresh air, things to do, exercise, and more regular meals. I hope that the new year will bring more availability to these things as they will prove to be very important in improving my health and mood.

In closing, I am immensely grateful for my friends, for Heart of Darkness, for the people who made Heart of Darkness, for dogs, for art, for the internet (only sometimes, other times it’s a curse), for food, for iced tea, and for the good moments this year had because of these things. As always, thank you for the people who stayed with me despite this severe turbulence. I really cannot begin to thank you for your patience. Staying with me despite how I am shows a lot of faith that I still have a chance to improve and get better and live life on the right track. Thank you for believing in me. I’ll try not to let you down in 2019.

Love you all.

#text post #long post #2018 in review #negative #thanks guys

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onlinecoachdan-blog · 6 years

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Will Finding Your Passion Make You Happy In Life?

Reality has will over you so passion is also just an illusion of the ego you tell your self which is ego the your better fit for something else and then you hit the passion pit and discover that reality streams on and let's your ego be passionate for everything because it's all just an illusion nothing is real nothing exists

I'm 19 and I know I shouldn't be worrying too much because apparently I have all this time left to figure out what I want but it really isn't that easy. I don't even know what to study at university because there's so many different things I'm interested in.

I just started University, and I have no idea of what to study, i forgot my passion, and it is making me problems with my decisions, i remember i had a lot of passions but now i have no idea, please do you have any advice? My true dream is to be happy, so i wanna do things i like, but I don't know what to do with my life right now, Thanks a lot i love your videos! Sorry if i spell something wrong, english is not my first language

You see I feel the main issue with this is that passions can't be adequately described through "majors" at school. So we're left with just shots in the dark that hopefully our idea of what the major is will let us do what we dream of doing.

But what is your passion isn't something related to a career? Or isn't a "job" or something you get paid for? Do you choose a job you hopefully enjoy, but don't have to, to support whatever your passion is?

Could I be living my passion but don´t being aware of it? How do you recognize that something is not your passion, or that it is but somehow you are sabotaging yourself and you don´t realize it?

Having no passion means you are not constricted to that effect and can experience everything with more open-mindedness(without been clouded by your passions) and with more balanced logical view point on matters that effect you and your surroundings!

So I always thought my passion was music and recently I wanted to become a video game composer but every time I think about it my mind just goes blank or freaks out and I feel kind of depressed I switch back and forth and back and forth between wanting to do it and not wanting to do it and have for years its so bad that I can barely even play any musical instruments without just feeling afraid and depressed. I'm so confused what should I do?

I feel like this is a good theory but confined to environment. If I don't like a big office, I should try a job with a smaller office, if I don't like a people related job, find a job that doesn't involve people. I feel like without further training that I could jump from job to job and never find anything I like and I don't want to do the training because I never know whether I'll like doing that either. Seems very exhausting for potentially no outcome.

I am currently amidst my sophomore year studying as a physics major. Fascination and observation of nature has always been integral of my authentic self. Consequently, I’ve developed quite a keen eye for observation, and understanding nature (which is key for loving physics), however this keen eye has also led to the development of a divergent passion: Film. Across my youth, the crossroads of my interests with cameras has also inseparably become integral of my authentic self.

Although I must note, my father is a physicist himself, and I’ve essentially grown in a science-nurturing environment for the majority of my childhood (watching the PBS Nova science/astronomy channel each Sunday night, and unsurprisingly, I also dreamed of becoming an astronaut one day throughout my youth). I’ve become quite skilled in film. In fact not to brag, but I even worked for Warner Brothers at one point and dedicated an entire summer to successfully constructing a website dedicated to film (which in fact, turn out to be quite successful). I was “light-years” ahead of classmates in terms of talent and knowledge/know-how in film classes, and I absolutely have a deep passion for cameras. I know/believe I can be quite successful if I just focused on film.

Right now I’m doing contract work for shooting a promotional series with a local company in parallel to studying physics, and so far, I LOVE doing the work handling cameras. Likewise, I’m quite fascinated and love most of the physics material we’ve learned thus far, and I see a lot of career potential in physics. Although physics doesn’t appear to come so quick like second nature as film does (I have to study A LOT in comparison to my classmates to fully understand the physics material, and even then I’m not even close to #1 in the class). My question is for you, what should I do? Purse physics full fledge as I’ve been recently doing and dedicate film solely as a hobby, or purse film full fledge and drop physics? (Is that the easy way out? Physics is definitely more challenging for me) Maybe considering to pursue film full fledge after completing my physics undergrad degree, based on how much I enjoy my physics related job afterwards?

I recently did a physics related “office-job” internship, and did not enjoy it too much. Although the possibility may be I just need to find something else in physics.

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