#seriously not qualified beyond i managed to do it

[charles-leclerc-official]

2024 Japan Grand Prix Race Analysis

My analysis of the 2024 Japan Grand Prix. Table of contents below detailing the order of the post. We have a lot to cover as this was an eventful race so I am not going to waste time making introductions.

Table of Contents  Ferrari – Race strategy: qualifying and tyre management – Charles: his qualifying and his race – Carlos: his race – In depth data and pace analysis Mclaren – Race strategy – Tyre management/Charles – Pace VCARB – Yuki: his race – Daniel: his crash with Alex Red Bull Mercedes Williams – Logan: his race – Team car problems Stake Concluding Thoughts

Ferrari

Ferrari had Carlos start in P4 and finish P3. Charles started P8 and finished P4. They both further secured Ferrari's lead for second in the constructors as well as keeping the WDC and WCC still competitive against Red Bull.

This race highlighted some areas that need to be improved on the SF-24 but more importantly it also showed some of the massive improvements that Ferrari has made in development and that is what made this race very exciting for Ferrari fans.

Once again the Ferrari strategy was great. It would have actually been good to mid if it were not for Charles having the skill and confidence to go for the one-stop strategy. But this is another race where I don't think they could have done anything better.

As it was with the starting grid positions Charles was looking at maybe getting P7 or P6 with a 2 stop strategy. And that strategy was most likely given the track and how much deg there usually is at Suzuka.

The reason Charles made it to P4 was because of his superior driving and tyre management, and Ferrari listening to him when he said he wanted to go for the one-stop strategy. They listened and it was 100% the right call on Charles’ part. 

Charles outperformed what should have been possible. If you don’t believe me just look at what Max, Lando, Oscar, Checo, Mclaren, and Red Bull are saying about his tyre management. Charles in the SF-24 was the only one who could have pulled that one-stop off. Seriously, the fact that Max didn’t think he could have done it is really all you need to know. They saw that and were genuinely impressed not only by the car but by Charles, because we saw that with Carlos he was struggling more with tyre deg and that was with a two-stop approach. 

So not only was this the best strategy to maximize points for Charles this race given his starting grid position, it was also just a truly phenomenal drive from Charles himself. 

And once again we are seeing incredible strides being made at the Ferrari pit wall in terms of timing and strategy. The pit stops for both drivers were on point. They listened to Charles and went with the strategy he wanted and it worked! 

Everything I saw this race was so promising for the trajectory of Ferrari and Charles’ season, and beyond into 2025 and 2026.

Charles: Race, Qualifying, and Free Practice

Charles ran a truly insane race. The only reason he gained all of the positions he did was because of his choice to do the one-stop and not only that but making it work! He gained every position it was possible for him to take and then some. His tyre management on this high degredation track was borderline supernatural.

Charles pulled off zero to negative tyre degradation on both sets of his tyres. (Negative deg is when faster laps are set as the tyres age) This was without question the best tyre management performance we have seen from a driver in 2024. It is something that no other driver could pull off (either due to skill, driving style, or machinery) and that is why Charles is Ferrari. 

Have I waxed on long enough about Charles and his tyres? Just wait till you get to the Mclaren section.

I also have a lot more to say about his pace and tyres in the data section.

For now let's move on to some of the questions people might have about what happened to Charles in qualifying and FP3.

Charles qualifying position was decided in free practice. I want to try to be brief, so here is a quick timeline of why Charles’ didn’t have the optimal setup for qualifying (this also applies to Carlos because both Ferrari’s underperformed in qualifying, there was a difference of 1/10th between them so it really was just a matter of the field being so tight)

Suzuka is colder during the day than any race we’ve had so far this year. With the SF-24 being so good with tyre deg that is actually a problem because it means that getting the tyres to warm up takes longer. 

The loss of all of FP2 due to rain was a big blow to Ferrari and especially Charles.

Charles has been having more issues getting his qualifying settings right to manage the tyre warming issue. This is due to his personal setup choices and driving style. Being gentler on the tyres in a car with less deg is leading to him underperforming in qualifying. 

So we lost valuable time when Ferrari really needed to understand the SF-24 behavior in the colder Suzuka temps. 

FP3: Charles and Carlos both got in some race sim laps, but only got to squeeze in 1 or 2 flying lap tests at the very end. Charles especially was frustrated by this. I believe that this came from not having the time to complete all of the program they had outlined to prep for qualifying and the race. 

Going into qualifying Charles didn’t have enough data to guide his settings for Q1. They went with a certain setup they hadn’t gotten to fully test and it didn’t work. Which led to them having to send Charles out again in Q1 with a different setup on another set of softs to try to set a better lap in Q1.

In Q3 Charles only had 1 set of softs remaining to set his best lap. It was okay but not enough. I do think that over qualifying he did get settings better on the car and if he’d had another set of softs he might have made it up to P6 (possibly P5) the middle of the field was very close so I don’t think this qualifying placement and time was as bad as it looks. It certainly isn’t great, but compared to his teammate and the rest of the top teams it wasn’t so concerning. 

So the lack of enough free practice to figure out the best qualifying setup for Charles in the colder temps is really what cost them here. I think this is why we saw Charles very frustrated at not having the time to do more flying laps during FP3 and Fred also not happy with the program they ran during all free practice sessions.

All of this does apply to Carlos as well. We’ve seen him qualify better in 2024 too so this was just a matter of the SF-24 settings on flying laps given the colder temps and the track. 

This is a current issue for the SF-24, but it is something that can be developed and I think there are certain upgrades that will address this. It is better to have a car base that is too gentle on the tyres than the other way around. The SF-24 tyre treatment is a good base to work with. This weekend just highlighted areas where improvements need to be made. The unfortunate part was the loss of FP2 because that was going to be important for colder temp data gathering.

I want to once again now take the time to shut down some narratives about Ferrari's race specifically relating to Carlos' lap 46 pass on Charles:

The reason Charles and Ferrari let Carlos pass was because Carlos was on newer tyres and thus had overall faster lap times.

It’s insane to expect a team to keep the car that has faster pace behind. I could see it if it was a difference of 1/10th or something or if it was the last lap of the race, then it’s up for debate. That wasn’t the case here, Carlos with the tyres that were 10 laps newer was almost 1 second faster. Keeping him behind would have not only compromised his race but also possibly Charles’. We don’t want a car just hovering behind the other. As we heard on the radio the main concern was keeping Lando behind. As far as gaining significant placement this race goes we always knew Lando was going to be Charles' competition. If the cars were fighting over pace with this big of a discrepancy in the pace we would have seen disastrous results. 

Charles knew this and this is why he let Carlos by. He was never intending to race Carlos(he literally said this in interviews after). With the way they started on the grid it was not going to be in the cards this race. Charles said as much and he isn’t upset about it. 

“Carlos overtook Charles”: No, Charles let him pass because that was strategically optimal for both Ferrari drivers. 

“Carlos’ pace was better”: No, he was on a completely different tyre strategy, the only reason he was faster is because he did two stints on mediums and then finished on newer hards. Charles overall race pace and tyre management was better. This is just a result of 1. Different starting positions and 2. Different tyre strategies. It’s very hard to do a driver-to driver comparison with blanket statements when they are on different strategies.

“Ferrari gave the order to switch with Sainz”: No, they just didn’t do that, I don’t know what race you were watching.

“They should have told Carlos to defend”: That would have been a bad strategy choice for both drivers. There is a lot more than current track position that goes into strategy calls.

"Ferrari strategy screwed Charles over again": No, Charles chose his strategy(and it was the right call). Ferrari did great in supporting him.

I don't understand why people want to run this narrative that we keep getting Silverstone 22' level strategy calls when that is just not happening.

Now Charles radio after the race may have sounded disappointed and in the heat of the moment he probably was. However in interviews after the race he was very happy with the car (I think he realized just what a good performance he put in) but also I think his big takeaway from this race was that Ferrari have given him a strong base to work with(finally) and he has been only saying more positive things since then.

Ferrari did amazing supporting both drivers. Especially Charles because it was his call to do the one-stop and they listened to him and supported him perfectly throughout running that strategy.

Carlos

Carlos ran a clean race. He gained the one position which is about what we'd expect from the car he was in and his starting position. His performance also gave us really good baseline data for the SF-24.

His race was mostly decided in qualifying and also the fact that Mclaren struggled far more than expected on this track. Ferrari initially thought he might have to fight Lando more for that position but Mclaren's struggle was Carlos' gain.

I also think that just this race in general from him and his driving style was really good data for the SF-24 to inform development and that is awesome!

I don't have a ton to add, it was good, got those WCC points for Ferrari and that's exactly what we want to see from him.

In Depth Data Analysis

The name of the game here is tyre wear. The SF-24 (especially in Charles' hands) has had phenomenal race pace and that is due to the fact that this car is so easy on the tyres. However Charles is the driver who has been able to pull this feature out of the car due to his driving style and tyre management skills.

We are going to look at a comparison of Charles' and Carlos' data to highlight exactly what was so interesting about Charles' pace. And then also adding in Max, because as the driver to beat he is a good benchmark(as well as showing the top performance of the RB-20)

Here is a comparison of lap times between Charles and Carlos, corrected for tyre age(because they were on different strategies)

For the medium tyre I used both their first medium stints. Carlos did two stints on mediums, I used his first stint for comparison because it means both tyres were subject to the same time of day and track temps and conditions. 

Now the lap times themselves here aren’t as important. Carlos and Charles were in different spots on the track and Carlos was in much cleaner air even on that first stint. The real thing to look at is the way Charles lap time stays consistent, and even gets faster as the age of the tyres progresses, while Carlos starts off with his best speed and then gradually gets slower. Carlos’ pace here is an example of what we expect to see - as tyres age they get slower so his pace on these tyres is perfectly normal, by the time he got to lap 14 before he pitted he’d lost more than a second of pace on those tyres (which is normal and expected). Then we can then look at Charles who is getting almost the exact same lap time out of his 11 lap old mediums as the first lap. Where Carlos has lost more than a second, Charles has lost nothing. Furthermore you can see multiple instances of an increased speed on his previous laps, which indicates negative tyre degradation. This goes against general tyre wear behavior and can only be attributed to Charles’ skill in extending the pace of his tyres.

I want to add that both driver’s pace was excellent and that both their performances would not have been possible without the massive leap Ferrari has made with the SF-24 and race pace tyre degradation. 

Again looking at the hards the actual lap time is not important here, Charles and Carlos were running very different strategies at this point. Charles was racing to extend the life of the tyres to pull off a one-stop and Carlos was trying to regain position near the front. What we are looking at is once again the way the lap times increase for Carlos steadily, and just don’t for Charles. 

Charles once again was pulling essentially the same lap time on 11 lap old hards, while Carlos had lost a full second. The sheer consistency here is what is scaring the other teams. 

I want to note here that none of this is meant to make Carlos look bad. I think his runs and tyre treatment were pretty good overall, but when your teammate is defying the laws of physics in the same car it can even make a good drive look not as great. But I have no issues with how Carlos managed, he gave a good example of what I would say is the base deg for the SF-24.

Now I want to compare Charles’ pace to Max’s, again correcting for tyre age. 

This is helpful because this is where we can get a look at match-ups for the future, the strengths of the SF-24 compared to the RB20. 

Here is where it gets interesting. Max on the hards was managing degradation amazingly, right on par with Charles. 

The big difference is on the mediums. After 11 laps Max had lost over a full second of pace on the mediums and Charles had not. 

This gap is where we are going to see big results come in from the SF-24 in the future. If I were Red Bull I’d be worried about this. And this is why they are also specifically worried about Charles, because we see that the SF-24 in Carlos hands is behaving as expected as far as tyre deg goes, the real threat based on the data is the combination of Charles Leclerc and the SF-24. 

Deltas Δ

Now let's take a look at what the change in pace lap to lap looks like for Charles, Max and Carlos. Again using those first 11 laps on the mediums.

Lap deltas are the change in lap time lap-to-lap, and this is a metric that shows if a driver is keeping pace, gaining pace or losing pace. Positive numbers mean a loss of pace, negative numbers are a gain. This is calculated by the equation of (Lap time B - Lap time A = change in pace or the delta Δ) So it's just the time difference lap to lap. This is how we can take a look at the actual pace and correct for lap times (which are not important here)

On it's own this doesn't look like much, yes Charles is managing best, but Carlos is also ahead of Max. This is showing where the SF-24 is better than the RB-20. The fact that of these three drivers Max is the worst on this metric is notable.

However the impressive part of Charles' tyre deg is not in these first 11 laps. Because after these laps Max and Carlos had to pit because they were losing time and their tyres were done.

Charles kept going.

Here is what Charles' full stint on the mediums looked like.

Charles continued to achieve faster laps and negative deltas well into the life of the tyres, and that is what is setting him apart from Carlos and Max.

Not only was Charles achieving negative deltas, he was doing it more consistently as the tyres aged.

For comparison here is Carlos' and Max's data overlayed on Charles full medium stint.

While the first graph on the mediums shows that both Ferrari's were outperforming the RB20 in terms of deg(or at the very least Carlos was on a very similar delta to Max), this is where you see the difference in the drivers. Because Max and Carlos had to pit because they were rapidly losing performance on those tyres(see above time sheets) Charles was not, and he only improved. He more than doubled the life of his tyres in comparison to the other two.

This is the graph that really matters because it shows what each driver was able to do with one set of mediums. And as you can see it's not even close.

This is where you can see the impact of the negative deg over time. Compared to the normal deg we see with Max and Carlos it serves to highlight exactly how outside of the norm Charles was operating.

Charles only continued to improve well beyond the other two. That's what was insane about his tyre management.

Neither Carlos or Max were going to be able to continue their pace (hence the pit)

I feel like the data really speaks for itself. Max and Carlos are good comparisons here, Carlos is a good driver in the same car as Charles, and Max is the current top driver on the grid and is known for his tyre management.

I want to finish this section with the sentence that is chilling the blood of every other driver and TP on the grid: Charles set his fastest lap of his race on 25 lap old hards.

Mclaren

So what happened to Mclaren?

A lot of people were expecting Mclaren to be the second strongest team on this track. And qualifying certainly made it look like that might be the case. With Lando being ahead of Carlos in P3 and Oscar being ahead of Charles in P6 on the starting grid.

So why did both Mclarens get easily defeated by the Ferraris?

I think there are 2 main reasons.

The Mclaren car is not even close to the SF-24 when it comes to tyre deg, that car loses pace much faster so it just cannot fight when a Ferrari comes up behind it.

Charles 1 stop strategy really messed up the team's pit strategy with Lando. 

In Mclaren’s defense no one thought anyone would be crazy enough to try a 1 stop around Suzuka, let alone have zero tyre deg on a high deg track. 

They seemed to be managing their pit strategy with Lando under the assumption that Charles was going to pit twice, and I think they were very worried about an undercut in the pits (after they didn’t get away with it in Australia I think they were very keen to make sure they kept their position)

But Charles didn’t do a 2 stop strategy. He stayed out and his pace on the hards was unbelievable. 

There was really no way for them to see that coming. It’s kind of hard when your main competition decides this is the weekend he’s going to challenge the laws of physics.

(And you thought I was done talking about Charles’ tyre strategy)

Here is a graph of Lando vs Carlos. That was the spot he lost, and you can see that the pit strategy is really what cost Lando the spot. Carlos came behind him on much fresher tyres and by then he'd lost the pace. He pitted too early, and that was due to Mclaren not understanding that Charles is on another level.

His pace was okay on newer tyres, but once they age the drop off was pretty bad. So the Mclaren car needs to improve in the tyre deg department if they want to see either of their drivers beat a Ferrari any time this year.

Furthermore Oscar once again struggled more because he is still the weaker of the two Mclarens when it comes to tyre deg, and on this track that really showed. 

But I think the fact that Mclaren kept trying to figure out when Charles was going to pit for his second stint and then he just didn’t really threw them off and had them making some weird pit calls. 

VCARB

Yuki

Yuki ran what was in my opinion the second most impressive drive of the race. He qualified P10 and finished P10. However to keep that position he pulled of some truly perfect overtakes. He was fighting to finally get that home race point. I was so excited seeing him put on that good of a show for his home fans.

In this race he became the first Japanese driver to score home race points since 2012, and that is just so exciting for Yuki and his fans. It really made that single point mean a lot. I don't think I have ever been more excited for a P10!

Yuki has really been showing what the VCARB car is capable of and it looks really promising. He seems comfortable and I think we will be seeing a lot more points from him this season.

Daniel: Crash with Albon and DNF

Going to be covering Alex and Daniel's crash this section.

On lap 1, Daniel and Alex made contact going into turn 3, resulting in both cars going off the track and ending up in the barriers. Both drivers had to retire from the race.

To me this looked like a result of crowding into that turn in the mid field with neither driver at significant fault. I don't think Daniel was trying to push Alex wide, and I also don't think that Alex mistook that corner. The FIA and stewards agree and Alex and Daniel's story of what happened make sense.

Going into the turn Daniel had the outside line, and he was trying to give room to the Aston Martin(Lance) on his inside. He didn't see Alex on his outside and his wheel made contact with Alex's front wing, causing his car to spin and pushing Alex of the line and into the gravel.

Alex thought he had the outside line to overtake and was in the process of attempting that when Daniel went to give space on the inside, this resulted in the contact and Daniel forcing him wide.

This crash really just was a result of crowding in that corner, Daniel was trying to give space to one driver and inadvertently crowded out another. There wasn't space so he was kind of in a lose-lose situation there.

I agree with the stewards that no penalty for either driver was warranted and that this was the result of midfield crowding, and some bad luck for both drivers. It wasn't a result of bad driving on either Daniel or Alex's part. Even if Daniel had seen Alex I am not sure what he could have done if he also needed to give room to Lance.

Ultimately I am glad both drivers are uninjured. Hopefully they have some better luck in future races.

Red Bull

I don't have a ton to say about Red Bull. My comparison in the Ferrari data section is what was most interesting about this race from the data standpoint.

They didn't do much, the Red Bulls started ahead and finished ahead as expected. Max and Checo both ran a really clean race. Again showing the power of the RB-20.

I will add that this was a really good race for Checo(probably his best this year), and it was nice to see him have redemption after Suzuka 2023.

Nothing terribly exciting to add. Max won again, well done Max!

Mercedes

Mercedes didn't have a great race, but considering that both their drivers DNFed in Australia it was good for the team to get some points. Lewis started in P7 and finished P9, while George started P9 and finished P7. So they swapped positions.

It seems that the Mercedes car might be better on those qualifying laps than the race pace (and even then it's qualifying has been inconsistent)

The most notable thing about Mercedes' race was when Lewis asked if he should let George pass when George came up behind him, and George did in fact make the pass. This was done simply because George's pace was better. Lewis knew this so it was best for the team.

I think that so far we have seen that the W15 is struggling in a lot of areas, and as far as drivers go George has been more comfortable in the car(could be driving style, setup, a combo of the two) than Lewis.

Both are solid drivers, and hopefully they can guide Mercedes into making improvements to the car to get them closer to top points. At this point the car Mercedes has made seems to have fallen short of expectations. Make no mistake though, Lewis and George are both drivers who are much better than the car they are in at the moment.

Williams

I covered Alex's crash with Daniel already so we are going to talk about Logan.

Logan honestly did about the best he could do in the car he had. After damaging both his front and rear wing in free practice and still using the repaired chassis from Australia his car was not in the best shape already going into the race. Additionally the Williams really struggled with grip in the rears and has been all over the place. Suzuka especially seems to have not been suited to it.

Yes on lap 41 Logan went off track into a gravel trap, but that was on a corner that had given more skilled and experienced drivers trouble this weekend so I am not going to fault him too much for that in the car he had. Better cars were having problems there too.

He did have a really strong first stint and was pulling some overtakes. Most of his positions were lost when he did get undercut by some pit stops, and then of course losing time to the gravel trap.

The win is that he finished the race and the car is intact. That may not seem like much, but given the state of things at Williams it's important.

There were some highlights for his race and I will say in terms of raw performance he has not been far off Alex this year. That car of Williams is really hindering both drivers.

Stake

Stake actually had pretty good pace overall. The car is not as bad as it has looked on paper. The main issues has been their slow pit stops (caused by incompatibility between the bolters and the tyre covers apparently) Zhou and Valtteri both showed some pretty good pace and were in positions for overtakes.

Zhou unfortunately had to retire his car due to gearbox issues.

Stake has really been a mess and we have not seen what that car can actually do in terms of performance overall, or what what their drivers are capable of in that car.

They are making attempts to address the pit stop issue and I think if they do that, then we will see both drivers picking up some P10 points at the very least.

Final Thoughts

I think we can all agree that Suzuka was the best race of the year so far from a pure racing standpoint!

Whew, that’s all I got on this race, so I will leave you with this final thought. 

This race was a warning shot from Ferrari.

#lucis race analysis #japan gp 2024 #suzuka gp 2024 #formula 1 #f1 #scuderia ferrari #charles leclerc #long post #I am so serious this is a long post you've been warned #lot of good data though if you are into that <3 #thank you for reading <3

[thewitcheress2389]

Hi! I hope I'm not bothering, I found your blog a little while ago and I have to say I love it!

but could I ask for a Geralt x reader with like three prompts ?

With prompt 300 and 289 and like 202 and like a story with where the reader is like kidnapped or is injured.

Thank you so much, and i'm sorry if theirs bad english, I am french so words and sentences can be weird.

Thank you! No, not a bother at all!💖

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Promises Made, Promises Kept

Geralt had promised to keep you safe, and he intends to keep that promise.

#202 "I don't think either of us are qualified for this but sure, go for it." 

#289 “Be honest with me. Are you just humoring me? Do you treat me this way because you feel obligated to?”    

#300 "Why do you sacrifice so much for me?"

You never intended for this to happen. After all, you felt like you knew well-enough how to defend yourself, even if you were the child of some poor farmer. You’ve learned that the wilderness was a dangerous place, and you’ve seen witchers come and go from your small village.

But when Geralt of Rivia stepped into town, you knew something was going to change your life.

The witcher seemed to bring danger and death with him, but he managed to save your life from those wraiths. Your parents weren’t so lucky, and you didn’t know why, but the witcher felt the need to take you along with him.

You didn’t have much room for argument.

Your companion was rather quiet, not having too much to say to you. He only ever seemed to care for his beloved mare, Roach. You began to have self-doubt about your worthiness to be traveling with the witcher. You weren’t able to defend yourself as well as he could and keeping up could be a challenge.

Were you beginning to become a bother to him?

He saved your life, but that certainly didn’t mean Geralt had to take you with him. You were beginning to grow more and more anxious each time he had to help you with something little. Now, you were just waiting for the day where he told you to beat it.

If only you knew the whole history of what actually happened.

A long while ago, Geralt visited your parents before. This was before you were even born, but your mother happened to be pregnant with you at the time. The witcher saved her, and ultimately you, from a botchling. From then on, he promised both himself and your parents that he would protect you. 

They touched his heart, after all.

That’s why he kept you in his sights at all times and made sure you were safe. While it was hard for him to show, he did care deeply about you, probably more than the average witcher should.

He never expected for a creature to kidnap you under his watch...

You didn’t even remember being taken. All you could remember was Geralt having his back to you as he walked ahead and your world going black. However, you never remembered hitting the ground. Geralt would’ve heard that. 

You opened your eyes to see you were in some kind of cottage, and it was very clean. Seriously, everything was organized and there didn’t seem to be a speck of dust anywhere. Moving around, you felt that your wrists were bound with rope, tying you to one of the beams supporting the house.

“Hello?” You hesitantly called out. That’s when you heard movement from what you assumed was the bedroom. Out and into the light stepped a creature that you’ve only ever seen pictures of. Half-goat, half-human, seemed to radiate beauty beyond worlds, strange markings on the body, and slitted demonic-looking eyes. It had to be a succubus.

However, this one appeared to look like a man.

“You seem a bit...flustered...” He said, eyeing you up and down. However, despite the obvious discomfort you portrayed, you met his eyes squarely. You’ve read enough in Geralt’s bestiary to know how these creatures behave. You weren’t about to let him dominant you.

“You’re a succubus.” You hissed at him, and he looked beyond offended.

“I think you’re mistaken, darling...I’m actually an incubus.” He said, and you cursed yourself under your breath. How could you not realize that the succubus would have a male counterpart. He stalked towards you, his tail swishing slightly in obvious lust.

“I may be like a succubus...preying on men, women, the old, the young, and so forth...but I’m not as nice as they are...” He told you, moving until his handsome face was inches before your ear. His hot breath made you flush as it hit your skin, and you realized that if a succubus was strong, an incubus was probably a lot stronger. 

You had no chance of escape.

“Let’s hear what you sound like...” He purred, moving to lick your ear a bit. You squirmed and felt yourself wanting to scream. But it’s too late, and the incubus began to feel you up like you were an object.

He was right. Incubi were not so gentle...

“...don’t make me fight you, witcher. You’ll regret it.” 

After you started to get ravaged by that incubus, you soon blacked out. However, you woke up to see that he was gone from your battered body and was talking to someone else. Your heart jumped for joy when you recognized Geralt.

Who looked beyond pissed.

“I don’t care if Incubi are a dying breed...you’ll pay for what you’ve done.” Those were fighting words, and the once tidy living space wasn’t so tidy anymore. The incubus soon lay dead at Geralt’s feet, but he slashed at it a couple more times.

It made him feel better.

“Geralt...you came for me?” Your weak voice caught his attention, and the witcher softened upon seeing your bruise and battered body. He quickly moved to cut off the bindings and take you into his arms. As soon as he carried you outside, he rested you against the cottage wall as he went to Roach, retrieving some medical supplies and potions.

“Here. Drink this.” He said simply, handing you a bottle of a strange liquid. You hesitated a bit, but you ultimately trusted the witcher. So, you drank it and soon felt your strength returning.

Then, in typical Geralt fashion, he continued to put some salve on your bruises in silence. But soon, you felt the need to ask him something. It’s been on your mind for a while, but even more so after realizing you were kidnapped.

“Be honest with me. Are you just humoring me? Do you treat me this way because you feel obligated to?” You asked him, and Geralt froze. He was stone still as he addressed your words, slowly moving his hands away from you as he rested back on his knees.

“Y/N...that’s not what this is about...” He tried to say, avoiding your eyes. But you just leaned forward, forcing him to look at you.

“Then what’s this about? Because Geralt, if you feel like I’m a burden-” You were about to say more, but he cut you off.

“No!” He shouted, which frightened you a bit. You’ve never seen the witcher raise his voice like that before. However, he quickly composed himself, swallowing nervously and rubbing his hands on his pants.

“I made a promise to protect you...you never knew about it because I kept it to myself...I promised both your family and me that I would keep you safe...there’s something about you Y/N...something that makes my life more interesting.” The witcher said softly to you, barely being able to meet your eyes. 

You were stunned by his answer. So, he promised your parents that he would protect you, but he also promised himself. Were you truly something special to him? All this time while you thought you were a burden to him, but in actuality, he was just looking out for you.

“Now I have a question for you...” Geralt began to say, causing you to look at him.

"Why do you sacrifice so much for me?" He asked you, looking confused. You also were confused. Sacrifice? What was he talking about? 

“What do you mean? I don’t see myself sacrificing anything...if anything, I rely on you...” You told him gently. Geralt rolled his shoulders a bit, appearing uneasy.

“You could leave and have a life...get married, have a family...you can’t have that here with me...you might be safer, but I don’t know about happier...” He stated solemnly, some of his snow-white hair falling in his eyes.

Without thinking, you moved to brush it out of his face, startling him.

“I am happy...I feel safe...I was just worried that you weren’t happy...” You told him, causing him to look the tiniest bit flustered. He’s never had someone be concerned about his happiness before.

It made his heart flutter.

“So...you want to stay?” Geralt hoped he was reading you correctly. In truth, he didn’t want you to leave, even if it could be for a better life. The witcher has never had a companion that didn’t annoy him before. 

He knew he would miss you.

“I mean...I can have a life on the Path...one with you...” You said shyly, making him swallow nervously. However, you saw his face twitch into a bit of a smile. 

“A witcher has never had a comfortable life on the Path...” He said with a bit of a laugh. However, he thought it over before smiling more to himself. Then, he gave you one of his most caring looks that you’ve received thus far.

"I don't think either of us are qualified for this but sure, go for it." He said with a grin, and you found yourself smiling as well. It was like the entire tension that both of you must’ve been feeling finally disappeared. 

The air was clear. 

“Well then, let’s head out.” He said while offering you a hand. Your wounds have almost healed due to whatever vitality potion he gave you, so you were more than ready to travel. 

“Thank you...I forgot to say that...” You told him with a smile. Even though you were more than stable enough to walk, you still held onto his arm that he offered you.

“You don’t have to thank me...promises made...promises kept...” Geralt told you, smiling to himself. You grinned to yourself, moving closer to him, making Geralt’s heart flutter again. 

For the first time in a long time, he felt content.

#the witcher #witcher geralt #the witcher geralt #the witcher imagine #geralt of rivia #geralt x reader #geralt imagine

[zekekaiju]

The three most frustrating aspects of the human race was  their tenacity, uncouthness, and extreme unpredictability.These qualities are what originally necessitated the galactic blockade agreed upon by the greater council of systems and managed by the theorosians. The blockade was a mild inconvenience to most races as  the human galaxy sat right between the greater and lesser star systems. The theorosions were uniquely qualified to supervise the blockade as they had the least contact with the human race. While this may seem to be a disadvantage, other races were prone to erasing their own history regarding humans. This embarrassment fueled historical restructuring frequently resulted in a lack of perspective from younger members of their race. Only the theorosians kept an accurate record of the cosmos. It was their people's pride and even they will admit that the record had gaps in regards to human history with other sentient races. Still they understood best how dangerous and unpredictable humans were and how necessary the blockade truly was.  

Blockade Admiral Thorack theorized the unpredictability of humans resulted from their unique blend of stupidity, intelligence and willingness to die. He cursed that unpredictability at this moment. Humans had recently discovered atomic power, in the only way they discovered anything, as a weapon. Their whole history was weapons, humans had even found ways to weaponize art. Violence was the universal language of humans and they spoke it well. But that was beside the point, the point was that humanity had launched its first object into space and in a predictably uncouth move that object was a wastehole cover. A wastehole cover moving at 68934 clicks per stones ( approximately 125000 mph Earth speed contributed by Cosmic Defender 349728) that rapidly left their atmosphere and then their solar system smashing through the blockade. The ship shields were designed for lasers an asteroids. The energy net for the lasers disrupted the photons synchronicity reducing them to harmless beams of light. This was useless against the rogue wastehole cover while the astroid net was designed to catch much larger objects. The wastehole cover slipped right past them and ripped through the ships in a collision path.  Fortunately, only the command ship had sentients on it, the rest were drones. 

“Ensign  GRabildilap call a meeting of the galactic council we must expand the  blockade”

The galactic counsel was skeptical of the blockade expansion to say the least. 

“The whole Galaxy, you want to blockade the entire galaxy because some primitives launched a feces covered discus at you! That will add cycles to the transit between the greater and lesser systems. I had no idea the Theorosians were such cowards” counciler Vaetus screeched. 

He was a gramboling, a techno-organic lifeform, and also a relatively new councilman. Unfortunately, this meant he was woefully ignorant of his species' own history with the earthlings. The Grambolings had erased all data on them to cover up their disastrous colonization attempt. 

“What would happen to our colonization planets within the galaxy” questioned counciler Veretis. She at least was taking this seriously, although Admiral Thorack couldn’t help but wonder if this was influenced by her own kinds disastrous invasion that she was a part of. 

“They would have to be abandoned” here he was interrupted by numerous angry shouts. “Council we must take this seriously if there is one thing humans are good at it is weapons” again he was interrupted 

“ are we sure it is a weapon?” 

Thorack slumped slightly “no despite all our data we do not know for certain if it is a weapon or just the humans playing with their bombs. What we do know is that humans have begun looking to the edge of their gravitational system and beyond. They may have spotted us. Humans are remarkably territorial and possessive, if they think we are intruding then this may be a warning shot. We must move the blockade or risk outright war, a war history has shown us we will eventually lose. Humans remember grievances for centuries, they have feuded for generations amongst their own kind but are perfectly capable of mobilizing against another threat. They do not surrender, they do not stop and they do not die."

The arguing continued for several hours but finally it was resolved the galaxy would be blockaded and the humans left alone. Some of the council would doubtless try to ignore the blockade but the galaxy at large would be safe and that is all that matters. A few flops later (years in human numbering) humans began to send vessels into space. In a typically human way, they did this by strapping a bomb to the back of a thin metal case and launching it upward. Eventually humans would find them and contact would be made. When that day comes the Galaxy itself would have to change, but until then the blockade would remain.

Note added by Cosmic defender 349728

“Yeah we were just playing with nukes, no idea you were there.

#humans are weird #humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #scifi #science fiction #short story #operation plumbbob #cosmic defender snippets #cosmic defender 349728

[rainbowsky]

Hallo Rainbow, thank you for your blog, it´s so interesting, entertaining and informative!Since DD has now become shareholder of YH, I´m wondering if that reduces the chances him of ever coming out or get at least bolder to share the same stage again? Like now he will feel even more responsible not only for co workers on a project but for a whole business company. Of course I´m happy for him and his massive success which really is beyond imagination but my turtle heart feels a bit torn...

Hi Didiber! Thanks so much, I'm glad you're enjoying my blog! 😊

A couple things come to mind when I read this...

Fake, fan fiction, CPN.

My thoughts regarding DD and YH.

My thoughts regarding fan reactions to career and life decisions GG and DD make.

I'll start with #1. I don't think the pressure level has changed for DD. He's been carrying a lot of responsibility at Yuehua for years as the top earner there. Just because the company is now listed on the stock exchange, that's not going to really make that big of a difference to DD's activities.

The real pressure will come upon those who are in charge at Yuehua, and especially on those in charge of finding new talent that can match some of DD's earning capability.

It's been said that DD will be helping with the new talent to some degree, but ultimately it's not his burden to bear, it's the company's. Yuehua has stated they intend to use most of the capital they raised through this IPO to work on finding and developing new talent, so hopefully they'll have some success with that.

As for DD coming out, being seen on the same stage as GG, etc., the likelihood of those things happening hasn't changed at all. As I've said many times, any top star represents the work product of dozens of people. Their fortunes are deeply tied to the fortunes of the employees, brands, drama projects, management teams, etc. etc. etc. they work with. They aren't at liberty to make choices 'just for them', they have to consider all the other people and entities that will be impacted.

And that's not just on a personal level, that's on a business/legal level as well. In many cases there will be liability if they do something seriously damaging to their own image (and by extension, the image of the brand/project/entity affected). Just watch what happens when a star is canceled in China. They end up being held liable for lost revenue of some of the projects they've been a part of. That's actually government policy now - to hold stars directly accountable for the impact of their 'bad behavior'.

Is being queer 'bad behavior' that could be punished in this way? Well, the government has definitely been tightening the noose on the LGBTQ community in recent years, so it's possible, especially if GGDD's coming out became a political issue in China, or sparked a political movement of any kind - which it might - or if it was deemed to be 'a bad influence on the youth' - which it probably would, given the homophobia of this government and their emphasis on pressuring people to enter straight marriages and have children.

Even without government policy being a factor, most major entertainment contracts include clauses about this type of thing. Not just management contracts but also project contracts, brand endorsement contracts, etc. etc.

All of these factors are at play regardless of whether Yuehua is listed on the stock exchange or not. It doesn't really change a thing.

As for #2...

Disclaimer: Every fan is free to make their own choices about how to be a fan. I talk about my own feelings and perspectives but ultimately they're just my opinions. I feel strongly that everyone needs to think for themselves and form their own ideas.

I feel dismay whenever I see turtles - or really any fan - get upset about the career moves or decisions GG and DD make. In my view GG and DD should always do what's best for them and their lives and careers. Full stop.

And they are the only people qualified to make those decisions. Fans have no actual clue, and in almost all cases they don't have even passing experience/knowledge in one of the areas affecting these choices, let alone all of the complex factors that go into a choice at the level GG and DD are operating on.

GG and DD are surrounded by entire teams of experts whose only job is to consult with them and give them the best possible information on all the angles and factors that go into any decision. Legal experts, management teams, financial advisors no doubt, professional insiders, close family and friends, etc. etc. People who know the details of GG and DD's situations and goals and are uniquely qualified personally or professionally to support them in choosing what's best for them.

Any decision GG and DD make reflects what they feel is their best option given all the factors at play.

Therefore as a fan I personally choose to respect and support whatever direction GG and DD choose to go in. It's not my business to decide what's best for GG and DD, nor do I generally allow myself to view their choices through the lens of my own personal wishes or cravings. They don't owe me anything.

Especially when it comes to their personal lives, because I think it's extremely important for turtles to remember that GG and DD's relationship and their choices about whether to be out as queer are part of their personal lives. It's not work product, nor anything we have any reasonable stake in as fans.

I can wish GG would record a full album and do more live singing performances (and I do), but the fact that he hasn't done so tells me that it's not an option for him given the factors currently at play in his career. So I accept and respect that I will have to wait on that, and that it might never happen.

And as turtles we might fantasize about them being able to live openly and freely one day, about them coming out and getting married or whatever turtles daydream about, but ultimately those are very personal decisions that only they can make. If something in their career seems to lead further away from that ever happening we should remember that those are fantasies anyway, and in no way reflect GG and DD's reality.

All this to say, I hope we can all just celebrate and support GG and DD's careers. What they choose to do, what they choose to show us and where they are at right now rather than what we personally want to see happen.

I believe in GG and DD, and in their ability to know what's best for them.

I want what's best for them.

The equation couldn't possibly be simpler.

I leave it all in their capable hands.

To be clear: I'm not trying to paint anyone who laments certain impossibilities as selfish jerks. What I'm trying to do is to encourage us all to look at things from a different angle - one that will hopefully make us all happier, calmer and more stable as fans, and will make it easier for us to support and accept GG and DD's choices.

#ggdd uncategorized #ggdd in the public eye #yuehua #fandom reflections #thanks so much #ask

[more-than-a-princess]

🎔♫↫ share your Ws girlie

Positive Munday meme - Accepting!

🎔 - What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?

That's a tie between Molly (my cat) getting a clean bill of health at her bi-annual checkup and reserving some more things for my honeymoon! Molly has now reached 'senior cat' age and it's recommended she get two physicals a year instead of just one. They also did her bloodwork and everything came back normal. Not that I thought anything was wrong, but she had accidents in her carrier both on the way and returning home from the vet, and shivered in fear the whole time she was in the examination room.

She forgave me later after about 8 cat treats and time on the heated blanket.

And for honeymoon things, my husband and I finally booked both of our afternoon teas in London and our hotel/park tickets for Disneyland Paris. We still have a lot of train transport to sort out, tickets to Versailles and some museums in Paris, and probably some other things I'm forgetting right now. But those afternoon tea reservations were going to be the hardest to get unless we did it as far in advance as we could.

♫ - Which one of your accomplishments do you feel the most proud of? 

Probably making it to six years at my job (the daily source of my stress, usually) and getting enough experience to qualify for some higher-level positions. And finally getting some health stuff sorted out, including keeping excess weight off for the first time, ever. I'm very thankful to have a doctor who takes my concerns seriously and is doing the tests and prescribing the meds I need to manage my health issues.

If I had to go back further than that, graduating from the university I attended. It is a notoriously difficult school, no matter what your major/concentration is. Some undergrads drop out, many of them seek therapy for the amount of pressure you're under. I'm still in awe that I managed to get my diploma sometimes.

↫ - What is the most impressive skill that you have? 

Gestures at this blog-

Probably sticking with this blog for four, almost five years. Beyond that, it was weightlifting for awhile (until my gym got too crowded and I had a trainer I really didn't get along with). My squat, deadlift, bench press, and snatch numbers were pretty impressive, especially for a woman. The aforementioned health issues allow me to put on muscle more easily than most (and fat, unfortunately. We're still working on that), so heavy weights and powerlifting are things I had some natural affinity for.

Also wearing sunscreen every day, if not a commitment to a full skincare routine. But you know my feelings on the importance of sunscreen. 😉

#more-than-a-princess answered #more-than-a-princess musings #quickdeaths #(Positive Munday meme) #(I have to say nice things about myself? Why you make me do this Bryn)

[masllp]

Accounting outsourcing in UK

Running a business in the UK comes with its fair share of challenges, and managing finances is often at the top of the list. Between VAT compliance, payroll processing, and bookkeeping, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the mountain of paperwork. That's where Accounting outsourcing in UK comes in, offering a strategic solution to free up your time and resources.

But with so many outsourcing providers in the UK, choosing the right one can be a daunting task. This is where Masllp stands out.

Why Masllp for Accounting outsourcing in UK?

Masllp is a leading Accounting outsourcing in UK firm specializing in serving businesses of all sizes across the UK. They offer a comprehensive range of services, including:

Bookkeeping: From recording daily transactions to reconciling accounts, Masllp takes care of all your bookkeeping needs, ensuring accuracy and compliance. Payroll processing: Manage salaries, deductions, and taxes efficiently with Masllp's expert payroll services. VAT Compliance: Stay on top of complex VAT regulations with Masllp's VAT specialists, minimizing risks and maximizing claims. Management reporting: Gain valuable insights into your financial performance with Masllp's customized reports and analysis. Cloud-based solutions: Access your financial data anytime, anywhere with Masllp's secure cloud-based platform. Beyond the Numbers: The Masllp Advantage

What truly sets Masllp apart is their commitment to personalized service and building strong relationships with their clients. They understand that every business is unique, and they tailor their services to meet your specific needs and goals. Here are some key benefits of choosing Masllp:

Dedicated account manager: You'll have a single point of contact who knows your business and is always available to answer your questions. Experienced and qualified team: Masllp's team consists of highly qualified accountants and financial professionals who stay up-to-date with the latest regulations and best practices. Cost-effective solutions: Outsourcing with Masllp can save you money compared to hiring an in-house accountant, allowing you to invest in other areas of your business. Scalability: As your business grows, Masllp can easily scale their services to meet your changing needs. Security and data protection: Masllp takes data security seriously and implements robust measures to protect your confidential information. Investing in Peace of Mind

Outsourcing your accounting with Masllp allows you to focus on what you do best – running your business. With their expertise and dedication, you can gain peace of mind knowing your finances are in good hands. So, ditch the paperwork and let Masllp handle the numbers while you take your business to the next level.

Ready to take the next step?

Contact Masllp today for a free consultation and discover how their Accounting outsourcing in UK services can benefit your UK business.

Remember, Masllp – Your one-stop solution for streamlined accounting in the UK.

Note: I have included a call to action at the end of the blog, encouraging readers to contact Masllp for a free consultation. You can replace this with any other call to action that you would like.

I hope this blog post is helpful! Please let me know if you have any other questions.

#audit #accounting & bookkeeping services in india #ajsh #income tax #auditor #businessregistration #chartered accountant #foreign companies registration in india #taxation #Accounting outsourcing in UK

[astrologista]

a reminder to all looking for jobs -

the fact of the matter is, and i didn't realize this because of my autism but you need to try not to act TOO smart on job interviews.

the hiring manager is looking for someone competent and qualified, but they are also looking for someone innocent, easily led and basically naive about things like labor rights or individual freedoms. do not let on that you know ANYTHING about these things. never say the word union. do not talk about anything close to organizing or labor rights in an interview, ever.

beyond that, dry humor and sarcasm are usually not appreciated by most interviewers. they want to see that you are dull, not someone who would ever question the system or become a problem to them legally?

so if you want the job, act smart, but not TOO smart. this always tripped me up since I thought by acting very smart and aware and discussing issues up-front, it would help get me the job, but that is not the case.

another thing - and it's sick that i have to give this as advice - gender nonconforming ppl also sometimes need to mask to get jobs! it's a real thing. i've noticed it as a woman, that in getting my current job, i seemed to get better results when i wore my hair down and used a lot of vocal fry and kept a kind, light tone with shorter and simpler words. i emphasized the level of service and kindness i would bring to the role. of course, that facade wasn't "me" at all, and masking in that case was absolutely exhausting. but you only need to do it for a few interviews really and can relax after.

i seriously never realized these things until getting into the working world, but this is what hiring managers really want - simple, dumb, but competent and reliable human robots who don't have feelings, don't get sick and NEVER complain. who always do more than the bare minimum. also we want you to be qualified and skilled in these 1000 technologies. but good luck out there though! i always thought - by being myself and showing myself as smart as I could be and by being honest about my weaknesses/shortcomings, the interviewer would see that i am serious and qualified. but there is so much more to it than that, and it is so hard to realize this as an autistic person who tends to act as their genuine self in their day-to-day life. interview masking is probably the most difficult masking i've ever done in my entire life because it not only requires straight-up LYING, it requires becoming someone you are not. it is acting, it is acting as a neurotypical, but my brain just doesn't work that same way, and it's unfair. it's unfair if a decent income is gated behind a random neurotypical interviewer "liking you". what if they don't like you? what if a person is just simply unlikable or coarse or has a real sick sense of humor? should they just starve in this country? it's so beyond, i don't get it.

#things i didnt realize until almost 28 #i wish someone had told me from the get go #although i always did mask hard in college. i felt like thats what i had to do #i hate trying to get people to like me lol

[sibyl-of-space]

School stuff below readmore. I think, in my kokoro of kokoros, I have already made my decision. I just need to talk myself through it and be certain.

It’s only the second day of the semester. I’m already really, really stressed. This is quite obviously not sustainable.

I don’t think I realized, when I was signing up for classes last semester, how much mental energy I would be focusing on the fact that I am graduating and I need to have some form of income figured out by June. I no longer have the luxury of 100% focusing on learning and creating art and immersing myself entirely in school. I need to be transitioning out.

I mean, on the other hand, I am certainly still paying for a semester’s tuition so I want to make sure I get everything out of it that I can. I just need to figure out how to make the most of this semester, while acknowledging that getting the most out of this semester is going to look very different from last semester. Graduating with some form of financial stability/income laid out will certainly qualify as getting something out of it.

As-is, I am signed up for way too much, and there’s no way to manage all of it. It’s not happening. I need to drop at least one class. I am very, very seriously considering dropping two and supplementing with a different one.

Currently, I am taking 2 for-fun theory/analysis classes. Both classes look like they will be a lot of work. One of them looks like it is going to be EXTREMELY difficult, I am in fact attending office hours in less than an hour after one day of class. If I continue taking both of these throughout the semester, I have no doubt that by the end of it I’ll have a much, MUCH deeper understanding of theory and have added a lot of compositional fundamentals to my toolkit. I think they are valuable.

However, neither of these classes are going to directly provide me opportunities to work on music that is what I want to make. They will guide me toward writing exercises that I might later use in pieces, but the classes themselves won’t help me write finished pieces. So that’s a lot of time spent learning but not necessarily creating. Is that time valuable? Yes. Is that time going to take away from creating, which this semester, I really need to do to finish a portfolio I can use to apply for jobs? Also yes.

There is another class that is pretty much dedicated to composing pieces to flesh out your portfolio. I’ve heard from other students that it’s pretty common to write 6 pieces and really like 2 of them throughout the semester. Will I learn anything about counterpoint fundamentals or modernist music analysis in this class? No. Will I write music I otherwise would not have written? Yes.

It’s difficult. My other units are all taken up with classes I basically have no choice but to take (and my lessons, which are, objectively, the most important thing for me this semester). It’s impossible to learn literally everything in a 2-year Master’s program, so I need to figure out what is reasonable for me to learn this semester, and accept the fact that I can’t do everything. I’ve taken 16-17 units every semester so far when the minimum is 13. I have absolutely taken every advantage to learn as much as I can. I’ve grown a LOT. But it’s ending, and I need to figure out where I’m going to draw the line on my way out.

I think.... the “smart” thing to do, in terms of making sure I have time to work on personal projects and trying my best to be professionally prepared when I graduate, is to drop both extra theory classes and take the portfolio class. This will make sure I have LOTS of time to really focus on projects, lesson work, applications, resume stuff, everything. If I do this, I need to accept that I’ll still look at 20th century music scores and not know where to start in terms of analysis, and that I’ve only ever learned the very rudimentary basics of counterpoint and nothing beyond that. Those are things I can always learn later if I choose to, but there’s no question that I’d get a lot from them. I need to accept that loss.

The thing I most certainly cannot do, is continue as I am. I’m already overwhelmed on the 2nd day of the semester. I need to drop something.

I could drop just one course. Between 20th century harmony and tonal counterpoint, it’s a trade-off... the 20th century harmony course is certain to be more rigorous (and therefore I’ll probably learn more from it), the tonal counterpoint course will probably be more fun and less stressful, and I’ll certainly learn from it as well. I can’t help feeling like I’d have regrets either way. It feels like dropping only one will result in a semester where I’m still kind of working hard and still don’t have time for my projects and compositions.

I think.... I am going to attend office hours with my 20th century harmony professor, and talk about this. I know that some of our projects will be writing for solo instrument performance. I want to ask him if it might be possible to write solo pieces with an electronic backing track or other synthesized elements, basically to ask if I can use this as an opportunity to write something I want to use as a portfolio work anyway. If he is willing to work with me to make our assignments into something I can use (say, if I can use them as BGM in the game I’m working on) - then I think it’s worth it. But if they will only ever be solo exercises for live performance, the course may be too rigorous to dedicate my time to.

I’m going to meet with this professor. After that, I may or may not meet with my counterpoint professor as well. And then I am going to ask a friend taking the portfolio course how it is. And at the end of the week, when I’ve done all of these things, I will make my final decision on what this semester will look like.

It’s not going to be as awesome as last semester, but that was always going to be the case. I just need to make a decision that I’m happy with and dedicated to, an informed decision, so I don’t have regrets. That’s what my boy Luke fon Fabre of Tales of the Abyss fame taught me

#personal

[not-poignant]

Hello Pia. I am sorry I always come to you for your advices and opinions, however I can't afford any therapy and your words always leave something deep in me. Like you are a mentor I can look up to. Please, do you have any advice what to do (or prepare myself for) when I feel I have a starting depression? I tried different hobbies, relaxed, read my favourite books.. but I still feel just sad, numb and meaningless. Sorry for bothering you Pia!

Hi anon,

Unfortunately there comes a point where suggestions don't actually beat professional help. It's kind of like if you had a broken bone. Sometimes if it's a clean break, you can do everything you need at home, and it will heal. It might not heal as well as if you saw a doctor, but at least it will heal. But if you have a really messy break, the longer you spend not seeing a professional for help, it just not only doesn't get better, but it will keep getting worse.

Even if you can't afford a therapy, I highly recommend going to your doctor (or a doctor in general - if you don't have a regular one) and speaking openly about how you feel. Most doctors in the world are able to prescribe antidepressants and other supportive meds without you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist - that's how I've gotten most of my antidepressants in the past. I'm not saying you definitely need meds, but I definitely think it's worth writing down everything you've tried that hasn't worked, and then talking to your doctor about it.

It would be like really irresponsible of me at this point not to suggest professional support. When something is serious, you treat it seriously, and with respect, and sometimes that does involve going to a doctor about it, or speaking to someone in your real life who can check in on you, or make suggestions about what professional support might be best in the place you live. Some places have helplines. Some places offer free or discounted services. Some places offer depression support groups where you can meet other people who are also going through tough times. But I don't know what those will be, so it's best to have a look around.

Also, honestly, nothing I've tried has been as personally helpful for my depression - personally - than meds that actually helped. (Some meds don't, it can take time to find the right one). Like, I still get pretty serious depression even with meds, but I do treat it with respect. For others they might need support groups, etc. Even talking to a trusted teacher if you still have ways of contacted them, etc. can be helpful.

But yeah, sorry anon, I don't have anything more beyond what I've suggested because even my depression is actually managed with professional support. Sometimes you get the messy break and not the clean one, and if you get the messy break, there's only so much you can do on your own.

I will add that as everyone is living through a global pandemic, there is a certain amount of 'sad, numb and meaningless' that is actually pretty normal right now. But again, it's better to hear that from at least a doctor who is looking out for you, than a stranger on the internet who isn't qualified to give professional support, and who really thinks you might need to move to that level next.

#asks and answers #personal #dodgy advice #like my PTSD is med resistant but my depression does super well #on Valdoxan #enough that i get terrified when i think about having to stop taking it #doctors are generally cheaper than therapists in most countries #and many will do mental health questionnaires and give some med advice #they might also know of discounted groups or other ways to help you access care #also consider online therapy because it's often cheaper and more accessible #and you can use it in any country #at any rate #when depression is serious #it's time to get the serious folks involved - and that's the professionals #this is just my opinion #and it may not be the right one #i just feel like it would be irresponsible at this point #to suggest things like hobbies or socialising

[caffeine-integral-studies]

What was your lowest & highest points in college so far?

Love love love this question! Thank you, Anon! 💙

To answer your question, some background on my college education as of Nov. 2022:

I completed 3 years of community/junior college and got two associate degrees. I then transferred to my four year university and finishing my B.S. degree (graduating in May 2023) before pursuing my single-subject credential; I have been here for 3 years. So, I’ll have taken 6 years to complete my undergraduate degree. Note that I am at a public four year, state college in the U.S., so your education system in your state/country may differ.

Lowest Points:

Mental Health Problems. My mental health medications stop working my second year of college. Starting from square one and working with my doctor for eight months to find the right treatment was hard. But if you need help, please don’t be afraid to reach out to others! You can’t do well academically if your mental and physical health are in bad shape.

Moving Out. After living with my parents for 20 years, I was so eager to move out and be independent. But I got homesick a lot sooner than I’d expected. I also miss having my pets as a daily part of my life.

Financial Stressors. Having to work while in school full-time, especially with a rigorous program, is stressful. Take advantage of applying to any/all scholarships or financial aid you can! Seriously - I’ve had my grades fall because I was worried I couldn’t pay rent. Also - check in with your university’s basic needs programs. You may be eligible for affordable housing services, food stamps, and many other federally funded programs! Being a college student practically qualifies you for the majority of these.

Highest Points:

Starting Therapy. Best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’ve learned a lot of coping strategies for hard life situations. I’ve also learned to manage my anxiety a lot better! It’s also just nice to have an unbiased opinion. Plus it’s super helpful to have somebody hold you accountable and remind you to take care of yourself.

Taking Risks. I usually go with the safest route and tend not to stray from my comfort zone. However, I’ve learned to take more risks and step out of my comfort zone more often. It’s not only provided me with a lot of valuable experiences (good and bad), but also a ton of unique opportunities I’d have most likely not been offered otherwise.

Getting Involved. I’ve volunteered a lot of hours in local Grades 6-12 classrooms, beyond what is required for my degree. It’s provided me with so many unique insights as a future teacher. I’ve also made a lot of valuable connections this way. Being involved in your specific college (for example, my program is in the College of Natural Sciences) and their events is extremely valuable.

My Advice: Be your authentic self. Don’t be afraid to show who you are, because you will find a group that accepts you for who you are. Do what you need to in order to set yourself up for success and to take care of yourself.

I hope this was the kind of answer you were looking for, and good luck Anon! 💙

#stemstudying #mathblr #anon reply #ask me anything #college

[little-sebastophant]

I had another reading with the Emperors the other day.

I like to keep space between my readings with them, so as not to pester or irritate them, but the possibility of an exciting new job opened up and I had to ask them what they thought of it — a hospice chaplain position in the wilds of Montana. I am, at absolute best, under-qualified as a hospice chaplain (I have most of a certificate course under my belt + a diploma in theology) but I sometimes apply for positions anyway when I gaslight myself into thinking I could pull it off.

Anyway.

It wasn’t a bad reading, per se; unlike the reading I got for my birthday my diviner rated this one as “harsh, but ultimately positive.” Classic Emperors. Interestingly it focused comparatively little on the job; my Lords evidently feel that if I manage to blunder my way into the position it could end up doing me good. I’m not so sure — I’m inclined to turn down a second interview if offered; I don’t think I can hack it. It’s nice to know there are options, though, should I ever seriously choose to pursue that line of work. Which I may not! I’m still breathlessly waiting on the government to determine whether I’m too disabled to work. Fingers-crossed.

So at top we had 6 of Wands, which I was told was “very auspicious” as it “signifies success in the public arena, very visible and public victory.” So far, so good. After that, however, things took a turn: apparently I’ve been “resisting taking the right path” as far as what the Lords want of me as far as giving them good PR and doing public works in their name.

Whoops!

Followed by a Knight of Pentacles, the Hierophant, and the Queen of Pentacles reversed. The upshot is, as said, ultimately positive — when all is said and done they’d like to see me as a religious authority related to them, a pope figure — but that I have a lot of hard work to get to that point of mastery and command.

Ugh.

I hurt my back about a week and a half ago, just getting up from a chair. I’ve been on steroids, painkillers, muscle relaxers, and I can still barely walk with a cane, hunched-over in pain. No more meds for me either — back pain is suspicious to clinicians and if I go in for meds they’ll label me as painkiller-seeking and I won’t be able to get so much as an aspirin ever again. So instead I’m going in for a prescription for physical therapy — and good fucking luck finding a PT who takes Medicaid.

I’m tired, is the point. Tired, and scared, and despairing and in pain.

and still they want more of me!

I complained on my pagan Discord server about what a pain in the ass godslavery is and got a fair rejoinder: your gods are emperors. The very nature of empire is to always hunger for more.

Truer words!

I chose to be a hierodoulos. I gave myself over as an oblation; opened myself up and told the Lords to take whatever they want of me, whenever, forever. What should I expect beyond what I’ve received? It is comforting to know even in dark moments such as these that my Lords have a plan for me — a vision of what I can, should, and will achieve for them. Of the 6-card reading that I paid for there is still one card left to be pulled, clarifying what exactly it is that I’ve been resisting as far as their wishes go. I hope that it’s clear and helpful, and brings me closer to their path.

#Spotify #paganism #polytheism #devotional polytheism #religio romana #deity devotion #roman paganism #cultus deorum #pagan #greek polytheism #deity work

[sevenfactorial]

Info about applying to PhD programs in pure math

This is... basically what it sounds like. I’m sure a lot of this is applicable to other PhD applications but I’m only very familiar with pure math. This is aimed at current seniors about to apply, but there is a section about prepping for applications in advance.

The highlights:

Recommendation letters are the most important thing. Most schools ask for 3ish. Try to get people who know you well, not just a student in the class. Someone you've conducted research with and one from a different institution are ideal if possible

Ask for rec letters at least a month before the due date is a good rule of thumb.

Research experience is probably the second most important.

Get the opinion of multiple professors who know you in order to build a list of potential schools. Then widdle it down to your will-actually-apply list (probably 8-14 ish). 

My opinion but please apply to at least 3-4 safety/match schools. Even when you're fully qualified, acceptance rates are simply low enough that a bit of bad luck means getting rejected or waitlisted from a few of them.

Most pure math due dates are in early-mid Dec but a few schools are in Nov and some are as late as mid-Jan. 

Schools will generally have their own graduate application portals. Some are better organized than others. Some require you to submit all your material before you can send a request for submitting rec letters so plan accordingly.

Acceptance letters will very slowly start going out in mid-Feb but the vast majority of programs won't send out anything until like, March and not be done until later than that. Accordingly, wait until at least mid-March to begin freaking out if you haven't been accepted anywhere.

You should 100% be expecting a tuition waiver and stipend from a program if you're applying for a PhD.

The rest of the posts is.... ridiculously long so I’m putting it under a cut. I mention things to do in advance to help you decide if grad school is right for you and things that make your application look good, give a full time line of the process, a list of things applications commonly ask for, and some miscellaneous notes. (The points above are repeated in more detail).

In addition, some links to other resources math students may appreciate:

an old post of mine about grad school apps (overlaps a lot and features some ranting from during the application process)

about REUs including my addition specifically about math ones

summer programs for undergrads that aren’t REUs by @counter-example and @jungleuniversity

Tips for prospective grad student visits 

Also about prospective grad student visits by @thisurlhasbeenleftasanexercise

Also for context, I went to a large state school in the US for undergrad. I started as a CS major and added on math as a secondary major after my first year and dropped CS during third year. I’m primarily interested in discrete and algebra, though I have a significant topology background from undergrad too. I got most of my advice from people around the department, as I became pretty involved during my third year. Now, I’m a first year grad student at another large state school in the US, generally considered pretty decent though not a “top math program” at all. Not that much else has happened so far.

Things in advance (aka things to help you decide if grad school is for you and things that look good on an application)

Take the standard classes. For pure math, this is at least one semester of linear alg, abstract alg, and analysis each. Linear and analysis are also good for applied math but I'm not sure what else if anything is considered standard.

Take some grad classes if you have the option. Most people are not ready for this until senior year, but some do manage as juniors. Talk to people who know you well and the prof teaching the class before you do this though.

Try to get involved with research whether this is through independent studies at your home institution, REUs, internships, or other stuff.

Be involved in your department. This helps with getting you more personalized advice for applying.

The rough suggested timeline (assuming junior yr is your second to last year and senior is your last of undergrad)

Junior April: Take the math subject GRE so you can take it again in Sep or Oct if desired (perhaps not applicable atm). The general can be taken kinda whenever; I suggest fall of senior year.

Junior April/May: Start talking to professors/post docs/mentors/etc. about programs you may be interested in. Write/type it down. Don't worry if it gets long, you will shorten again later.

Summer: Do some research if possible; an REU or research at your institution (if an REU, also get your mentor's opinion on potential schools towards the end as well)

Senior Sep: Start whittling down your list. 8-14 seems to be the "normal" range of schools to apply to but some people panic and do more. Remember that asking for waivers is completely acceptable but applying is still just generally expensive (I spent around $800 for 10 schools)

Senior Sep: Apply for the NSF GRFP. You can apply as an undergrad senior and once during your first or second year of grad school if you didn't already get it. The due date is in mid-late OC but ideally you'll have a draft of your essays and ask for rec letters by the end of Sep, if not earlier.

Senior early Nov: Ask for rec letters if you haven't already. The rule of thumb is a month before the due date. Provide them a list of schools you want to apply to including due date and where/how to submit as soon as possible (as well as anything else they request of course; many ask for a resume and a draft of your personal statement).

Senior Dec-Jan: Submit stuff! Pure math programs typically have deadlines in Dec or early Jan. I think the big days are Dec 10th, Dec 15th, and Jan 15th but some are earlier or later. (applied math masters tend to be earlier I think; in Nov). I suggest putting them all into a list or calendar. In addition, some schools won't let letter writers submit until all of your stuff is submitted so start applications early, even if you don't finish them immediately.

Senior Feb: Programs will slowly start sending out offers in early Feb and pick up in mid Feb, but don't fret until AT LEAST the beginning of March! Grad programs are just way too slow at getting out offers for it to be worth worrying until then (and even then, it's definitely not time to panic but mathematicians are frequently anxious people so I get it). Waitlists are slower to come out; usually starting in early March. Also note, there are many programs that don't actually send out replies to everyone unfortunately.

Senior late Feb-early April: prospective student days! They might be online in 2021 unfortunately but try to attend whatever form they're in if you can (only one of my visits during spring 2020 was online since the others happen to be very early and safely beat covid in the US). Be warned, it's very possible to get offers of admissions and to visit very last minute. I do not have advice for how to make that less stressful.

Senior April 15th: Common reply deadline. If you got your offer in the first round or two, this is probably your deadline to accept. In addition, this means more offers will likely come out shortly after once more people have declined. 

Senior summer: graduate. Send a completed, official transcript to your new institution. Check your new email account for stuff you're suppose to do. Some programs have some sort of program during the summer for in-coming students. Most places have graduate student training of some sort for a week or two before semester starts. 

Some common things to be asked for in applications

Not actually a thing asked for but many graduate schools have their own portal for which you will have to make an account to submit an application. A few use a common system that kinda sort shares a database of accounts? Some are fine and some massively suck.

Personal Statement/Statement of Purpose: Occasionally called something else and once in a while actually separate things; will usually have a prompt of wildly differing specificity. Sometimes, the prompts come from the department itself and sometimes from the university's graduate school. I suggest having one or two "base" essays then tweaking them for each school. Sometimes a word/page limit is specified but if it's not, around 2 pages/1000 words is pretty reasonable.

Transcript. Some accept unofficial but some require official but generally not an unsealed one. I ordered myself one official transcript and sent it to multiple schools instead of paying for them to be sent to each school during the application process.

Resume or CV: Most ask for either a CV or is fine with either, in which case I give them my CV. I sent more or less the same one everywhere.

Some other notes

Yes, ask for application waivers. Just be polite about it.

Your goals for your essays are primarily to show that you're interested in math and math research and are capable of like…. writing things that make sense

Do not start out an essay with either "I loved math since I was little" or "I actually didn't like math when I was young" or any variations of those. (I had one essay that started with a mildly humourous anecdote from undergrad combinatorics and another that talked about how my undergrad department has greatly affected me).

You should 100% expect to get a tuition waiver and living stipend as part of a TA fellowship (or more rarely, an research fellowship) as part of your offer of acceptance for a math PhD program (pure or applied). Health insurance is also frequently part of the package. This is not true of masters programs unfortunately.

How schools do waitlists depend wildly though most don't have super long ones like prestigious undergrads do. If you're still interested in a place you're waitlisted at, follow their instructions to confirm your placement on the waitlist then wait until April before following up again, expressing your continued interest and asking for an update. You might even want to wait until around the common deadline, April 15th. The number of people who declined before April is just really really low so nothing really happens until then.

#grad school applications #math grad school applications #math phd applications #math grad school application tips #math grad school application advise #seriously not qualified beyond i managed to do it #but hey it's good to have more people's advice for cross referencing! #seven stories #long post #grad school #god

[bffsoobin]

fond

➤idol!yeonjun x non!idol reader, pure fluffy goodness, yeonjun gets teased a lot lmao

↳yeonjun has always been a hard worker; reaching above and beyond the expectations of every person he’d even met and even himself. There was only one part of his life he knew was impossible to better--you. In Yeonjun’s eyes, you’d never been anything less than perfect from the day he met you. He never lets you forget it either, even if everyone else was beyond tired of hearing it.

Word Count: 1,501

Requested: yes!

Warnings: tooth rotting fluff, very small sprinkle of angst (self-doubt in reader)

A/N: I wrote this super fast so it may not be my best work but it felt really good to get something out and posted again! Love you all, hope you had a happy holiday!

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:••:•.•

“Are you sure they want me to come?” You asked, shifting anxiously on the balls of your feet. “I mean, it seems like a thing reserved for just the five of you- celebrating the album- and none of the other guys have significant others to bring.” Yeonjun stopped in his tracks, leaving his shirt halfway buttoned up. Gently, he ran his warm hands up and down your arms. The sun had begun to set at some point while you were getting ready, and the light cascading in through the window opposite you washed Yeonjun in a golden ring of light.

You were so distracted by the sight that you almost missed the words coming out of his mouth.

“Baby, the guys love you. And they want you to be there. I promise. I wouldn’t ask you to come if it weren’t true. Hell, I wouldn’t even be going myself if it weren’t true. I’d much rather stay here with you and cuddle.” Your heart softened at his reassurance, anxiety bubbling away from your bloodstream in a few instants. Humming happily, you crushed Yeonjun into a hug that felt as if it could meld your bodies together.

Yeonjun lead you into the reserved restaurant with his fingers linked between yours with such fervor he might as well have glued your palms together. For that you were grateful though, because the party which you’d expected to be just the other boys and a few staff ended up being much more expansive. You spotted several important producers and a few other idols who had the time in their schedule to come and celebrate with their friends. The thrum of your heart kicked up tenfold as Yeonjun lead you through the crowds, eyes turning to him  and his head of bright pink hair immediately. Damn him for always being the man of the hour. The two of you had almost made it to the safety of his table; so close in fact that you saw Soobin waving at you enthusiastically and pointing at a pair of empty seats saved by jackets and hats. Mere feet away, Yeonjun was stopped in his tracks by someone you only recognized vaguely, but knew instantly was of importance. The man was tall, handsome and well dressed, balancing a bottle of beer between his fingers with practiced ease. 

As the two of them chatted about the album and general comeback procedures, you felt yourself becoming more and more out of place. For Yeonjun’s sake you plastered on a gentle smile, nodding along to whatever words were being exchanged between the two of them. 

“...her name?” You caught the tail end of the sentence just in time to see that the man was gazing down at you. You glanced between him and Yeonjun, trying to collect any information as to why you were being addressed. 

“I’m Y/N,” you offered carefully, not sure how they’d arrived at this topic. Yeonjun squeezed your hand reassuringly, running his thumb over the back of your hand.

“Well, I had no idea that Yeonjun had a girlfriend,” the man simpered. “What exactly do you do?” The implication of his words hit you like a MAC truck. What did you do? What did you do to deserve to be here, rubbing elbows with these famed people? 

“She’s a student, actually! She’s always busy with school work or research.” Yeonjun cut in, voice rising protectively. “She pretends it isn’t a big deal, but she’s pretty high up in her department, got all the professors to love her. And she’s on track for a really cool internship- right baby?” He shot the conversation back to you, attempting to ease the tears crawling up your throat.

“Oh, it’s not that big of deal, I don’t know if I got it yet, so-” 

“Shush, it’s amazing. And there’s no doubt in my mind that you’re the most qualified person for the position. You’re amazing,” Yeonjun beamed down at you warmly, a blush cropping up along your cheeks as you fought the urge to cover your face. Yeonjun quickly exchanged his goodbyes with the man and lead you finally to the table where you could take a deep breath. As soon as you settled into the chair next to Soobin, Yeonjun began to apologize in a hushed voice.

“I’m so sorry, I really didn’t think that he would say anything like that. You know that you’re amazing, though, right? I don’t want you to ever believe that I’m not proud of you, or you aren’t amazing because you aren’t an idol. I love how hard you work at school, I love that you aren’t busy with all the stupid idol things that I have to do. You’re such a positive light in my life, such an amazing person. I’m so happy that I know you. Seriously, I can’t imagine not knowing you. You know I love you, right? So much.” Your heart swelled, pumping so rapidly that it felt like it might fall out of your chest. All of the tension you’d felt during the conversation was completely gone, replaced by a pleasant buzz of happiness that only Yeonjun could provide you with. Despite the business within the restaurant, it felt as if you were in your own little bubble with Yeonjun alone, focused only on the gentle cadence of his voice and the steady heat radiating off of his body. His eyes were soft and round even under the concentrated eye makeup you’d helped him apply before leaving your apartment as he watched you carefully. 

“I know, and I love you too,” a smile split your face before you could stop it, straining the muscles in your cheeks until they stung. 

“Trust me, Y/N. We all know.” Taehyun laughed, causing the other three to nod in agreement. 

“Seriously, he literally talks about how much he loves you all the time. Sometimes even in his sleep he’s asking where you are-” 

“Hey! Stop it, you little-” Yeonjun growled, sending a menacing look toward Taehyun. 

“No! Keep it coming, tell me more,” happy to encourage the teasing of your boyfriend, you leaned back in your chair and picked at the shared plate of fries that had appeared in the middle of the table at some moment. 

“Oh, there was that one time we were in the studio and we couldn’t find him anywhere, like we even sent managers out to find him and everything and it turned out he got caught up talking with some random lady outside about you because he saw her carrying a bag you’d like.” Beomgyu offered, eyes sparkling at the chance to make fun of Yeonjun freely.

“Or the time when we were trying to film an episode of TO DO and he kept checking his phone because he was waiting for you to send a good morning text. The stylists were so mad that he refused to take his phone out of his pocket and they had to give him a top that would cover them.” Soobin jumped in this time, grinning just as wide as you were at the realization that Yeonjun was much more whipped for you than you’d ever estimated. 

“And lets not forget literally any time we have extra time at the dorm and want to watch a movie or play a game. He literally always asks if he can invite you. At one point it was like nine days straight and when we said we’d rather not have a guest he pouted in his room instead of playing with us.” Your eyes grew wide with recognition at the story, as you remembered the exact time Soobin was referring to. You had, quite honestly, grown tired of visiting the dorm every single night after class but you did it anyway for the sake of spending time with Yeonjun. 

“Did you guys know that he came to my apartment that night and complained that you were being mean to him?” Yeonjun whined loudly at your words, burying his flaming face into his own hands and letting out a defeated groan. He knew it was all true, and he was no stranger to admitting his attachment to you, but hearing it all at once made him shy. 

“It’s okay, Junnie. You know I love how whipped you are for me,” you teased, rubbing the nape of his neck with delicate fingers in an attempt to get his head off of the table. 

“I am not whipped!” He protests, sitting back up and trying his best to glare at you and his members. His face was still tinged with red, evidence of being caught in a lie. 

‘If you’re not whipped, then what would you call it, hyung?” Hueningkai questioned, taking a poignant sip of his drink all while keeping his gaze locked onto Yeonjun. The entire table, sans Yeonjun, snickered together as he opened and closed his mouth in quick succession, trying to find the right words. 

“I’m not whipped. I’m just...fond.”

#yeonjun #yeonjun fluff #yeonjun imagine #yeonjun imagines #yeonjun x reader #yeonjun fanfic #yeonjun fic #yeonjun reaction #yeonjun reactions #yeonjun drabble #yeonjun scenario #yeonjun scenarios #txt imagine #txt #choi yeonjun #txt imagines #txt fluff #txt reaction #txt reactions #txt x reader #txt fic #txt fanfic #tomorrow x together #tomorrow x together fluff #tomorrow x together fic #tomorrow x together imagine #tomorrow x together imagines #tomorrow x together reaction #tomorrow x together reactions #kpop fanfic

[mosswillow]

Jumping In (Dark!Steve Rogers x Reader)

Warnings: 18+ adult content!!, Kidnapping, smut, Dark fic, vaginal fingering, noncon/dubcon, yandere.

Summary: You submit your application to the Avengers as a joke. You’re nowhere near qualified enough for the job. So why do they want you?

AN: A big thanks to @rayofdawnworld for commenting on “Your Room” that they wanted to know about the other Avengers. This one is (obviously) Steve and is happening chronologically before “Your Room.” You can read it by itself though!  I also have a story forming for Bucky in my mind so I’ll probably do him next. 

You’ve always been the type of person to jump into things without thinking. It’s gotten you into plenty of trouble throughout your life but you’ve always managed to get yourself out of it. It’s opened up opportunities for you and taken you all over the world. You put in the application for SHIELD almost as a joke, thinking there’s no way they would ever hire you, especially not to work with the Avengers.

The joke becomes serious when you get a call from Stark Tower offering you a job. You skim over the contract eagerly and sign it immediately, jumping on the opportunity to work your dream job.

After a whirlwind week you find yourself standing in the middle of a high tech training room surrounded by Avengers. Being around a group of people as powerful as the Avengers is intimidating to say the least. The contrast between you and them is stark and you feel your confidence slip trying to keep up with them. They all assure you that you’re doing great and they’re glad to have you with them. It feels like a little family and you get pulled in immediately. You find yourself gravitating to Steve, or maybe he gravitates towards you. He shows up everywhere you go, at the water fountain filling up his bottle, running at the treadmill next to you, stretching on the mat. He watches you spar with different Avengers, giving advice and words of encouragement.

“Keep that arm up Y/N.”

“I will, thank you captain.”

“Call me Steve.”

“Steve.”  You smile.

You spar with Bucky and try to ignore Steve's looks. You don’t know if you feel flattered or uncomfortable with the attention he’s giving you. You decide that he’s probably just trying to be friendly since it’s your first day.

It doesn’t stop though and you constantly find yourself in situations with Steve. He’s in the elevator with you or walking by your room as you’re leaving. You even bump into him at the grocery store.

A week later you open your door to see Steve waiting for you just outside your room. Your heart does a flip at the sight of him standing in front of you. His hair is damp and you try to control your mind from imagining him in the shower. His tight white shirt shows off his muscles, which doesn't help your wandering mind one bit. You shift your eyes away from him and chastise yourself. God, He smells good and you wonder what soap he uses. He gives a cocky half smile and takes a step toward you.

“Good job yesterday.” He says, moving in front of your line of sight.

“Thanks.” you smile and force yourself to look him in the eyes.

He puts his hands in his pockets and rocks on his feet looking nervous.

“I thought I could treat you to coffee?”

Your heart starts beating rapidly. Is he asking you on a date? Steve Rogers asking YOU on a date? It can't be that. The flirting has to be in your head.

“I’d like that,” You mirror him, putting your hands in your pockets. You realize too late that you don’t have pockets though and end up awkwardly rubbing your hands against your sides.  Steve lets out a chuckle and you cross your arms and laugh along with him.

You follow Steve to a nearby coffee shop and he orders you a drink. The two of you sit at a semi-private table in the back next to some barely cognizant university students who are furiously typing away on their laptops.

“How are you enjoying being part of the team?” Steve asks.

“I love it! Everyone is really nice.”

“Are you nervous for your first first mission?”

“A little bit,” you confess.

“I’ll be there with you, don’t worry.”

That was definitely flirting, you think. Captain America is flirting with you.

You smile and take a sip of your coffee. This is like a romance novel, a cute coffee date with a literal super hero. It comes to an end though when you notice a kid taking a picture of the two of you. Steve frowns and cocks his head towards the prepubescent photographer.

“I think we should head back before we get more fans.” Steve Says.

Steve does a silly pose for the kid as he passes by and pulls out a signed Captain America card. The kid stands stunned looking at you as you walk out of the shop. Steve puts his hand on your back and leans in.

“Sorry this was so short. We’ll have to go somewhere more private next time.”

“Don’t apologize! The coffee was amazing, thank you so much.”

It only takes twenty minutes for you to start getting phone calls. A picture of you and Steve is all over the internet. It looks very incriminating, Steve's arm on your back and him smiling close to your ear. You answer your phone and hold it away from your ear as your friend Amy yells at you from the other end.

“Captain America!” She screams over and over again.

“Are you guys dating now or...”

“No, he was just being nice.”

“The picture looks like he’s being a lot more than nice. Please hit that Y/N, if you don’t I’ll scream.”

“You’re already screaming.” you say with a laugh.

“Seriously though, I want to be invited to your wedding one day.”

“Amy! he’s hot for sure but he’s also kinda my boss and I’m not ready for anything serious right now.” The picture of you and Steve is still in your mind. You can barely take care of yourself and certainly aren’t ready for everything involved with dating Steve Rogers.

You hang up the phone and smile to yourself. You can’t believe how your life has changed so fast. One day you’re working security at a hotel and the next you’re working with the avengers and flirting with Captain America.

---

You shake your foot nervously on the way to your first mission. Your role is simple, in fact it's almost impossible to mess up. You’re nervous anyway though. Everyone tells you it’s normal for your first mission and you take deep breaths trying to calm down.

You exit the jet and make your way into town. Your only job is to distract your mark for five minutes. You check your watch and start your way toward your mark.

“Excuse me sir?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know a good breakfast place around here?”

It’s beyond easy. You keep the conversation up for five minutes and end it quickly. Steve gives you a pat on the back after, congratulating your successful first mission. It feels off. Anyone could do what you did. You’re nowhere near as skilled as the Avengers and don’t understand why you would be picked for the job.

“What’s wrong doll?”

“I just don’t feel like I’m really good enough to be part of this team I guess.”

“You’re more than good enough.”

“But you guys are so much stronger... and faster... and smarter.”

“We look for more than those things when picking recruits. Trust me, you’re exactly what I… We need.”

You feel a little better and push away your doubts.

---

The missions become harder after the first one but you’re still never put in direct danger. They say you need more training before taking on more dangerous roles and you agree. You’re not sure if you’ll ever improve enough though and it makes you guilty, like you’re taking up space in a team that someone else could have. As you start becoming more part of the group Steve starts coming onto you more. He takes you out several times and starts becoming more physically affectionate. You like Steve. Aside from being gorgeous he’s old school, bringing you flowers and opening doors. There’s Something about him that feels disingenuous and your gut prevents you from starting a serious relationship.

You meet a barista at the same coffee shop Steve took you to. He’s cute and you  decide to give him your number impulsively. He texts you that evening and you stay up late texting back and forth. The next day everyone stares at you as you stretch before your training. You’re not sure why until you notice Steve standing outside of his office.

“Y/N, can I see you in here please.” His voice is an octave lower than usual and a chill runs down your spine.

“Of course.”

Steve closes the door and motions for you to sit down.

“I’m aware that you’ve exchanged numbers with someone who is unapproved.”

You nod slowly, confused how he knows at all and why it’s a big deal.

“This is a huge security risk.”

“I already ran a background check on him.”

Steve sits on the edge on his desk and caresses your cheek.

“Why do you want to talk to this boy when you have me?”

You push his hand away.

“I mean, I like you Steve but I’m just not ready for the commitment yet, you know that.”

His eyes narrow and he looks at the hand you pushed away.

“I understand.” He says.

You stand to leave and he calls after you.

“Oh, and remember you have a curfew. I don’t want to have to reprimand you.”

Steve feels different, unhinged. You’ve only been late a few times and only by a few minutes. You push away your worry hoping it will get better. He’s probably just not used to feeling rejected. He’ll get over it.

---

“Y/N, don’t you dare enter that building.”

“There are still people inside Steve!”

“It’s too dangerous. Help is on the way, don’t do it.”

You rip the com out of your ear and run into the building. There’s smoke everywhere and you cover your face with your arm. You make fast work of reaching the blocked room, breaking the door in and letting the room of people out. You escort them out of the building and to safety.

“Thank you so much.” A woman says, hugging you.

“No problem.” You smile.

The building starts collapsing in front of your eyes and you watch it burn. You walk back to the jet, coughing and bruised and get checked out as soon as you land.

Steve waits for you outside of medical.

“What were you thinking Agent!”

“Not now Steve.”

“It’s Captain and yes now.”

You sigh.

“I was thinking, Captain, that I needed to get those people out and I was right.”

“And what would have happened if the building had come down on you? Help was coming and you had an order. You’re lucky your lungs are ok with the smoke you inhaled.”

You push Steve out of your way and walk towards your room.

“It was a risk I was willing to take,” you call back.

You reach your room and take a long shower, thinking about everything. As much as you want to fit in with them you just don’t. Something tells you that you need to quit. You need to get out of here and never look back. you decide that you’ll hand in a two week notice tomorrow.

The next morning you wake and dress quickly still feeling the same as the night before. You head to your door and turn the knob but find it locked.

“What the fuck?” you pound on the door but nobody answers. You pick up your phone to call for help. It won’t connect to the internet or call anyone. Your computer is the same way. As the day passes you start feeling more and more uneasy. They have to know by now that something is wrong with you. your voice is raw from yelling for help and your hands bloody and bruised from pounding on the door.

Finally, hours later you hear the click of your door unlocking. You open it to see Steve standing with his arms crossed on the other side.

“I was locked in my room.” you say in a quiet voice.

“I know, I locked you in.”

“What’s wrong with you? That’s insane Steve!”

Adrenaline rushes through your body and you start pacing. Everything is telling you to get out. This is not what you signed up for.

“I quit.” you say defiantly.

Steve rushes toward you, pinning you to the wall. None of your self defence training helps you. He’s so much bigger and stronger, trying to fight is a joke. You know your best bet is to stun him somehow and run but you can barely move.

“You can’t quit doll.” He brushes a hand down your body, giving your butt a squeeze. Your eyes widen in shock.

“I’ll report you.”

“To who?”

You start thinking, your eyes darting back and forth. He slides his hand into the front of your pants and rubs the bulge in his pants against you. your breath hitches and you relax your body a bit. You scream at yourself to do something. The hand in your pants rubs against your clit expertly and it takes everything you have not to let out a moan.

“Ah, I see you’re getting it.”

His finger slides to your entrance and he prods you before submerging his finger. You gasp at the intrusion and realize that he’s barely holding onto you anymore. Your hands grasp his shoulders and you lean against him.

“This would have been much easier if you had followed my plan. You had to go putting yourself in danger.” He chides.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please you’re scaring me Steve.” you say,

“It was going so well but you’re unpredictable, flirting with that barista.”

He pushes his finger in deeper and you whimper.

“If I don’t take action now I might lose you and I can’t lose you.”

“Get away from me,” you beg.

He grasps your hip painful tight.

“You're my girl now, ok? My girl doesn’t disobey me, especially not on missions.”

He pumps his finger, coating it with slick.

You realize that he won’t listen to reason but you try anyway.

“I’m so sorry you’re right I’m your… your girl, just let me go please.”

He pulls his finger out and gives you a kiss.

“See, there’s a good girl.”

He pulls a ring out of his pocket and places it on your finger. His watch vibrates and he looks at it before kissing you on the cheek.

“We can celebrate tomorrow.” He winks.

He leaves you in the hallway and you back into your room, shaking and crying.  You don’t care if he locks you in again. You need to be in a place where you feel somewhat safe and can process everything that just happened. You take the ring off and throw it across the room.

The night is spent curled in your bed crying and the next morning you walk self consciously to the kitchen. Bucky sits at the counter eating cereal and he knits his brow when he sees you.

“Hey, what’s wrong.”

You shake your head.

“You can tell me.” He looks at you with his big kind eyes and you decide to confide in him.

“Steve… assaulted me. He’s out of his mind, saying all sorts of crazy stuff. I don’t know what to do.”

Bucky holds you close.

“You’re his girl Y/N, don’t provoke him and you’ll have a good life.”

You tear yourself away and look at him with disbelief.

“It’s not a secret Y/N and we’re on Steve's side.”

You back away and head straight for the exit hitting Tony on the way

“Woah, what’s the rush?”

“I quit.” you say, tears starting to fall.

“You can’t quit princess, you’re Steve’s.”

Your breaths become shallow and your head starts feeling light.

“How did you think you got the job in the first place Y/N?”

You run to the elevator slamming the button over and over but it won’t let you down.

“What’s wrong with Y/N?” Thor walks over.

“She’s having a hard time adjusting to being Steve’s,” Tony answers.

“Let me out.” you yell.

Steve comes out of nowhere catching you in his arms and you throw your head back and duck. He stumbles back. Other Avengers start to gather and you pull your fists up in defense.

“I want to leave.”

“Come with me back to your room doll, it doesn’t have to be this hard.”

You stand your ground and Steve goes into a fighting stance. You don’t even have a chance, he has you trapped in his arms within minutes.

“I don’t understand.”

“We got your application in the mail. As soon as I saw your picture I knew you were the one I’ve been looking for.” he coos.

“Why go through the whole facade?”

“Use your brain Y/N. Everyone knows we’re together. There’s pictures of us everywhere online. You’ve talked to friends and family about our relationship. It won’t look weird when you drop off for a while because of your job and when you come back engaged nobody will blink an eye.”

“No.”

You look at the Avengers, you’re family. None of them do anything to help you. Every single one turns their back and walks away nonchalantly like it’s just another normal day.

Steve drags you to your room and closes the door. He walks over to where you threw your ring grabbing it off the floor, and places it back on your finger.

“This doesn’t come off again,” He says.

You look at the ring and back at Steve over and over trying to make sense of all of it. Steve walks purposefully to the drawer you keep your candles and lights several, placing them around the room.

He backs you into the bed and undresses you slowly and meticulously. He sits back and looks at your naked body, taking his time touching and examining every piece. He grabs your legs and parts them, looking at your pussy and two fingers in.

“So wet for me already.”

You shake your head and he lands a slap on your thigh.

“No.” He commands.

“Be good so I don’t have to punish you. You’ve seen me work, you know what I’m capable of.”

You bite your tongue and force yourself to lie still as he slams his cock into you. You cry out in pain and he rubs your arm and whispers sweet things. He kisses you as he pushes his cock deep into you. He grabs your chin and squeezes until you open up and let his tongue in.  you reach out and grab his arms and he pulls at your leg until you hug them around him.

“You can come Y/N.” he whispers

You shake your head.

He reaches between you and pushes against your clit. You fight against it for as long as you can but it becomes too much. An orgasm crashes over you and you flutter around his cock. He thrusts hard enough that you get pushed into the headboard and seconds later he’s coming in you. He smiles down at you, lovingly stroking you face.

“I love you Y/N”

You stay silent and he pulls you into a constricting hug.

“Don’t worry doll, you’ll love me soon.”  

You’ve always been the type of person to jump into things without thinking. It’s gotten you into plenty of trouble throughout your life. You’ve always been able to get yourself out of it,

but this time.

This time you jumped too far.

#dark!steve x reader #dark!steve rogers #dark!fic #dark!steve rogers x you #dark!avengers

[unpopularwiththepopulace]

Michael Riedel vs Bernadette Peters – the Broadway Battle of 2003 and beyond

My previous piece gives a fairly comprehensive look at Bernadette and Gypsy through the ages; though there is at least one aspect of the 2003 revival that warrants further discussion:

Namely, Michael Riedel.

Today’s essay question then: “Riedel – gossip columnist extraordinaire, the “Butcher of Broadway”, spited male vindictive over not getting a lunch date with Bernadette Peters, or puppet-like mouthpiece of theatre’s shadowed elite? Discuss.”

It’s matter retrievable in print, or even kept alive in apocryphal memory throughout the theatre community to this day that Riedel was responsible for a campaign of unrelenting and caustic defamation against Bernadette as Rose in Gypsy around the 2003 season.

While “tabloids may [have been] sniping and the Internet chat rooms chirping”, when looking back at the minutiae, none were more vocal, prolific or influential in colouring early judgment than the “chief vulture [of] Mr. Riedel, who had written a string of vitriolic columns in which he said from the start that Ms. Peters was miscast”.

He continued to find other complaints and regularly attack her in print over an extended period of time.

Why? We’ll get there. There are a few theories to suggest. Firstly, how and what.

Primary to establish is that it perhaps would be foolish to expect anything else of Riedel.

Also an author and radio and TV show host, Riedel is best known as the “vituperative and compulsively readable” theatre columnist at The New York Post.

He’s a man who thrives on controversy, decrying: “Gossip is life!”

The man who says, “I’m a wimp when it comes to physical violence, but give me a keyboard and I’ll kill ya.”

“Inflicting pain, for him, is a jokey thing. ‘Michael has this cruel streak and a lack of empathy,’ says Susan Haskins, his close friend and co-host.”

And inflicting pain is what he did with Bernadette, in a saga that has become one of the most talked about and enduring moments of his career.

From the beginning, then.

Riedel started work at The Post in 1998.

His first words on Bernadette? “Oddly miscast in the Ethel Merman role,” in August of that year on Annie Get Your Gun. It was a sentiment he would carry across to his second mention six months later (“a seemingly odd choice to play the robust Annie Oakley”), and also across to the heart of his vitriolic coverage on her next Merman role in Gypsy.

 Negative coverage on Bernadette in Gypsy started in August 2002 when Riedel discussed the search for trying to find a new American producer for the show. It had initially been reported in late 2000 that a Gypsy revival with Bernadette was planned for London, before it was to transfer to Broadway. To begin with, Arthur Laurents was “eager to do Gypsy in London because it hadn't been seen in the West End since 1973”, and he “wanted to repeat [the] dreamlike triumph” he said Angela Lansbury’s production had been. But economic matters prevented this original plan, leaving the team looking for new producers in the US. Riedel suggested that Fran and Barry Wiessler step up as, “after all, they managed to sell the hell out of "Annie Get Your Gun," in which Peters…was also woefully miscast.”

He also quipped: “Industry joke: "Bernadette Peters in 'Gypsy'? Isn't she a little old to be playing Baby June?”, calling her “cutesy Peters” and again a “kewpie doll”.

Bernadette here seen side by side with the actual Baby June of the 2003 production – Kate Reinders.

Other publications to this point had discussed her “unusual” casting. Which was fairly self-evident. In contrast to being a surprising revelation that Bernadette Peters was not, in fact, Ethel Merman, this had been the intention from the start. Librettist Arthur “Laurents – whose idea it was to hire her – [said] going against type is exactly the point,” and Sam Mendes, as director, qualified “the tradition of battle axes in that role has been explored”.

It was Riedel who was the first to shift the focus from the obvious point that she was ‘differently cast’, to instead attach the negative prefix and intone that she was actually ‘MIS’ cast. According to him then, she was unsuitable, and would be unable to “carry the show, dramatically or vocally”. All before she had so much as sung a note or donned a stitch of her costume.

So no, it wasn’t then “the perception, widely held within the theater industry,” as he presented it, “that Peters is woefully miscast as Mama Rose”.

It was Riedel’s perception. And he took it, and ran with it, along with whatever else he could throw into the mix to drag both her and the show down for the next two years.

 As to another indication of how one single columnist can influence opinion and warp wider perception, just look to Riedel’s assessment of the show’s first preview. It is typically known as Riedel’s forte to “[break] with Broadway convention, [where] he attends the first night of previews, and reports on the problems…before the critics have their say”. This gives him “clout” by way of mining “terrain that goes relatively uncovered elsewhere”, and it means subsequent journals are frequently looking to him from whom to take their lead – and quotes.

At Gypsy’s opening preview then, he reported visions of “Arthur Laurents [charging] up the aisle…on fire”, loudly and vocally expressing his dissatisfaction with the show as he then “read Fox [a producer] the riot act”. Despite the fact that this was “not true, according to Laurents,” the damage was already done, with the sentiment of trouble and tension being subsequently reprinted and distributed out to the public across many a regional paper.

News travels fast, bad news travels faster.

 And news can be created at an ample rate, when in possession of one’s own regular periodical column. This recurring domain allowed plentiful opportunity for attack on Bernadette and Gypsy, and Riedel “began devoting nearly every column to the subject,” which amounted to weekly or even more frequent references.

As the show progressed beyond its first preview, Riedel brought in the next aspects of his smear-campaign – assailing Bernadette for missing performances through illness and accusing Ben Brantley, who reviewed the show positively in The New York Times, of unfair favouritism and “hyperbolic spin”.

The issue is not that Bernadette was not in fact ill or missing performances. She was. She had a diagnosis at first of “a cold and vocal strain”, that then progressed more seriously to a “respiratory infection” the following week, and was “told by her doctors that she needs to rest”. So rest she did.

The issue is the way in which Riedel depicted the situation and her absences via hyperbole and “insinuating she was shirking” responsibility. He went further than continual, repeated mentions and cruel article titles like “wilted Rose”, or “sick Rose losing bloom”, or “beloved but - ahem-cough-cough-ahem - vocally challenged and miscast star”. He went as far as the sensationalist and degrading action of putting “Peters' face on the side of a milk carton, the kind of advertisement typically used to recover lost children,” and asking readers to look out for “bee-stung lips, [a] high-pitched voice, [and a] kewpie doll figure”, who “may be clutching a box of tissues and a love letter from Ben Brantley”.

It was quantified in May of 2003 after the show had officially opened, that “out of the 39 performances "Gypsy" has played so far, [Bernadette] has missed six – an absence rate of 15 percent.”

As an interesting comparison, it was reported in The Times in February 2002 that “‘The Producers' stars Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick have performed together only eight times in last 43 performances due to scheduling problems and health concerns,” – an absence rate of 81%.

Did Riedel have anything nearly as ardent to say about the main male stars of the previous season’s hit missing such a rate of performances? Of course not.

 Riedel arguably has a disproportionate rate for criticising female divas.

One need only heed his recommendations that certain women check into his illuminatingly named “Rosie's Rest Home for Broadway Divas.” Divos need not apply.

Not that he was unaware of this.

In 2004, Riedel would jovially lay out that “Liz Smith and I have developed a nice tag-team act: I bash fragile Broadway leading ladies who miss performances, and she rides to their rescue.”

Donna Murphy was the recipient of what he that year dubbed his “BERNADETTE PETERS ATTENDANCE AWARD”, when she began missing performances in “Wonderful Town”, due to “severe back and neck injuries and a series of colds and sinus infections”.

This speaks to his remarkably cavalier and joyful attitude with which he tears down shows and performers. “The more Mr. Riedel's work upsets people, the more he enjoys it.”

He knows he yields influence – it was recognised he had “eclipsed Ben Brantley as the single most discussed element in marketing meetings for Broadway shows” – and he delights in his capacity to lead shows to premature demises through his poison-tipped quill yielding.

When it was reported Gypsy would be closing earlier than had been planned, he made mention of “hop[ping] around on [its] grave” and debonairly applauding himself, “I suppose I can take some credit for bringing it down”.

 His premonition from the previous year’s Tony’s ceremony was both ominous and prescient, when he predicted the show’s failure to win any awards “could spell trouble at the box office”. He was right. It did. The 8.5 million dollar revival closed months before anticipated and failed to return a profit.

Multiple factors can be attributed to Gypsy’s poor success at the Tony’s, but it’s clear to say Riedel’s continual bashing leading up to the fated night throughout the voting period certainly didn’t help matters.

His suggestions to do with Bernadette’s performances were not helpful either.

After alleging Laurents as the director of the 1991 revival “practically beat a performance out of” Tyne Daly when she was struggling with the role, he proffers that to improve Bernadette’s success, “it may be time for [Laurents] to take up the switch and thrash one out of Peters”.

Great.

It was irresponsible and unrelenting commentary that did not go unnoticed.

His “ruthless heckling of beloved Broadway star Ms. Peters” was deemed in print “his most egregious stunt so far”.

Vividly, in person, Riedel was accosted at a party one night by Floria Lasky, the venerable showbiz lawyer, who “grab[bed] Riedel’s tie and jerk[ed] it, nooselike, scolding, ‘It was unfair, what you did to Bernadette’”.

Moreover, the wide-reaching influential hold Riedel occupied over the environment surrounding Gypsy was tangible in the fact his words spread beyond just average readers, and even unusually “started seeping into the reviews of New York's top critics”. Riedel himself, as the “chief vulture”, was indeed what Ben Brantley was referring to in his own New York Times review by stating how the production was “shadowed by vultures predicting disaster”.

Even more substantially, the “whole Peters-Riedel-Brantley episode” became its own enduring cultural reference – being converted into its very own “satiric cabaret piece, ‘Bernadette and the Butcher of Broadway’”. All three parties were featured, with Riedel characterised as the butcher, and it played Off-Broadway later in 2003 “to positive notices”.

 But penitent for his sins and begging for absolution Riedel was not. “Riedel saw nothing but a great story and a great time,” and for many years after, he would continue to hark back to the matter in self-referential (almost reverential) and flippant ways.

In 2008 as Patti LuPone won her Tony for her turn as Rose in the subsequent revival, Riedel couldn’t help but jibe, “Not to rip open an old wound, but I'd love to know if Bernadette Peters was watching”. (He neglects also to mention that “Mendes’s Gypsy was seen by 100,000 more people than saw Laurents’s and grossed $6 million more”.)

More jibes are to be found in 2012 as he reported on the auction after Arthur Laurents’ funeral, or even as recently in 2019, as he asked, “Remember the outcry that greeted Sam Mendes’ Brechtian “Gypsy,” with Bernadette Peters, in 2003?”

As with in 2004 where he points to the “pack of jackals who have been snarling” about Bernadette’s failures, this brings up the canny knack Riedel has of offloading his views to bigger and detached third party sources – thus absolving himself of personal centrality, and thus culpability.

If there was an outcry, HE was its loudest contributor. If there were snarling jackals, HE was their leader.

Maybe Riedel’s third person detached approach to referencing matters was intended to be a humorous stylistic quirk for those in the know. Or maybe it was his way of expressing some inner turmoil over the event.

In some rare display of morality and emotional authenticity, Riedel would at one point admit “I find it kind of sad and pathetic that the high point of my life supposedly has been about beating up on Bernadette Peters”.

Fortunately for him then, a degree of absolution was eventually achieved in 2018, where Riedel visited Bernadette at her opening night in Hello Dolly in 2018, with the intention of ending their “15-year feud”. He “got down on one knee at Sardi’s and extended his hand,” with Bernadette reportedly yelling “Take a picture!” while he held his deferential and obsequious position on the floor.

So if eventually this “feud” has some kind of circular resolution and Riedel was glad it was over, why on earth did it begin in the first place?

One notion is that it was simply another day on the job. Riedel is a man who sees Broadway as “a game for rich people”. Positioned as an “an industry that brought in $720.9 million in the 2002-2003 season”, it is “not a fragile business”, he remarked. As such, he “[could not] fathom the point of donning kid gloves” in covering it, and reasoned the business as a whole was robust enough to weather a few hard knocks. “Thus, Riedel can coolly view Bernadette Peters as fair game, as opposed to, say, a national treasure”.

More to the point, he was a man in search of words. During the season in question, Riedel was “one of just three New York newspaper columnists covering the stage” – a “throwback to a bygone era when…Broadway gossipmeisters…such as Walter Winchell and Dorothy Kilgallen ruled”. Now at the time, as the “last of a great tabloid tradition”, Riedel presided over not just one but two columns a week at The Post. As a result, he was in need of content. “One of the reasons I've become more opinionated is I just have more space to fill,” he admitted. Robert Simonson hypothesises in his book ‘On Broadway Men, Still Wear Hats’ that Riedel may have consequently picked “the thrashing of Bernadette” as his main target simply because “it was a slow news cycle”. Options for ‘titillating’ and durable content were scarce elsewhere that season.

And after all, if Riedel would later cite Bernadette in an article concerning the Top 10 Powerhouses of Broadway in 2004, saying even despite a few knocks or bad shows, “she’ll bounce back” – surely there was no real damage done.

If her career wouldn’t be toppled by his continual public defamation and haranguing, what was the harm?

Feelings? Who cares about feelings or Bernadette’s extremely complex and personal history with the show stretching back to when she was a teenager.

It was just part of the territory, there was nothing personal in it.

 Or was there?

Maybe there was something personal in Riedel’s campaign after all.

He makes a curious comment while discussing ‘A Raisin in the Sun’ in 2004. The then incoming star of the show, rapper P. Diddy, had invited Riedel to dinner, and he makes judgement that this was “a smart p.r. move”. Then he ponders, “you do have to wonder: If Bernadette Peters had broken bread with me this time last year, would her chorus boys have to be out there now working the TKTS line to keep "Gypsy" afloat?”

Might he be going as far to suggest that if Bernadette had indulged him in a meal, her show might not have suffered so, by way of him being more inclined to cover it with greater lenience?

It may seem that way, at least in considering how Riedel reviewed P. Diddy’s performance thus after their dinner: “Riedel pronounced himself impressed. ‘He could have forgotten his lines or had to be carried offstage. He didn’t do anything terrible, he didn’t do anything astonishing.’”

Seemingly all the rapper had to do was remember some words and remain physically onstage, and he sails through scot-free. That’s a rather different outcome, one could say, to being absolutely eviscerated for what became a Tony nominated effort at one of the appreciably hardest and most demanding musical theatre roles in existence.

Though perhaps it’s hard to tell if that was really his insinuation from just one isolated comment pertaining to lunch.

This argument might be fine, if it WAS the only isolated comment pertaining to wanting Bernadette to have lunch with him. But it isn’t. Riedel continues to make a further two references over protracted periods of time to the fact Bernadette hasn’t dined with him.

One begins to get the sense of him feeling desiring of or somewhat entitled to such a private lunch with the lady he’s verbally decimated for years, and a sense of bitter rejection that he hasn’t been granted one.

“If Tonya Pinkins doesn't win the Tony Award this year, I'll buy Bernadette Peters lunch,” he simpered, and later, “I invite Bernadette to be my guest for lunch at a restaurant of her choosing. She can reach me at The Post anytime she's hungry”.

The embittered columnist in this light takes on now the marred tinge of a small boy in the playground who doesn’t get to hold the hand of the girl he wants in front of his friends, so spends the next three years pushing her over in the sandpit in revenge.

Moreover, the last statement makes undeniable comment on Bernadette’s troubled relationship with food, body image and public eating.

So now not only so far has he insulted and mocked her physical appearance and played into all the usual trite shots calling her a “kewpie doll”; suggested Arthur Laurents violently hit her in order to elicit a better performance; continually publicly harassed her regarding a show that strikes close to the nerve with deep personal and psychological resonances due to her mother and childhood; but now he’s going for the low-blows of ridiculing her over her eating habits.

Flawless behaviour.

 Maybe it’s far-fetched to suggest a man would have such a fragile ego to run a multi-year public defamation campaign after so little as not getting his hypothesised fantasy of a personal lunch date. But then again, this was the man who “left Johns Hopkins University after his first year because of a broken heart.” (“I was in love with her; she wasn't in love with me,” he said.)

And also the man described as “an insomniac who pops the occasional Ambien,” living in a “small one-bedroom” that is “single-guy sloppy”, who has “been living alone since a four-year romance ended in 1996”.

The man whose own best friend called “cruel” and with a “lack of empathy”.

The man whose own sister answered that “well, yes,” he’s always been mean; and after being picked on as a kid for “being the small guy and the intellectual”, he grew dependent on using “his verbal ability to beat someone” and put himself in positions of defensive impenetrability.

See, writing Riedel-esque, vindictive and provocative conjecture is no especially challenging or cerebral task.

Riedel may well see his approach to ‘journalism’ or reporting as “all fun and games”.

But I for one am not laughing.

 One final aspect to address when considering Riedel’s reasoning for the depth of his coverage on Bernadette demands attention of how he gets his information. His own personal opinions and motivations aside, crucially he depends on insider providers for insider details. Perhaps somewhat alarmingly then, “leading Broadway producers themselves are among his sources”.

“Half of Broadway hates him. The other half leaks to him”, John Heilpern titled his 2012 Vanity Fair profile on Riedel.

As such, in frequently taking his lead from “theater folk, usually with an ax to grind”, Riedel acts as the mouthpiece to bring secretive backstage reports out front. High-up, influential characters are thus able to funnel their agendas into public view, while keeping their identities hidden.

Notably, it was raised in the above article that Riedel’s “merciless running story” regarding Bernadette in Gypsy “was fed by none other than its renowned librettist, Arthur Laurents—or, more precisely, by Laurents's lover”.

Contrary to the smiley picture below between members of the show’s creative team and it’s beloved star, it was no secret that Laurents did not like Mendes’ 2003 revival. Laurents told Riedel that “Sam did a terrible disservice to Bernadette and the play, and I wanted a Gypsy seen in New York that was good… You have to have musical theater in your bones, and Sam doesn't”. In fact, Laurents admitted the only reason his 2009 book ‘Mainly on Directing’ came into existence was because of how much he had to criticise about the show – it grew out of the extensive set of notes he gave Mendes.

Additionally, it was no secret that Laurents’ lover, Tom Hatcher, demonstrated both a desire and capacity to influence Arthur’s productions. As well as being the driving force for the 2009 Spanish-speaking reworking of West Side Story, Hatcher had intense investment in Gypsy specifically. Patti LuPone writes in her memoir, “From his deathbed, Tom had told Arthur, ‘You have to do Gypsy, and you have to do it with Patti’. It was one of his dying wishes”. Laurents himself, in corroboration of this, explained Tom’s reasoning – “he didn't want the Sam Mendes production to be New York's last memory of Gypsy”.

The allegation in Heilpern’s profile might be hard to prove from an outsider perspective. But given that neither were happy with Mendes’ production and both actively took steps to ensuring it would be superseded in memory, it is not completely implausible.

 Overarchingly, as much as Riedel’s writing may benefit FROM insider sources, it is said he does not write in benefit OF them. For instance, although friends with Scott Rudin in 2004, an animated (nay threatening) warning from Mr Rudin asking Riedel to “back off” from “slamming” his show, Caroline or Change, seemingly “had no impact”.

That’s not to cite total impartiality or exemption from personal connections and higher up influences colouring his reports of shows. Theatre publicist John Barlow would describe that sometimes “if you ask Michael to kill [one of his pieces], he will, if it’s someone with whom he does business”.

But it would be remiss not to mention that his influences and sources stretch beyond just the big wigs. Amongst his other informants too are the more lowly, overlooked folk like “the stagehands, the ushers, chorus kids, house managers, and press agents… the guys who build sets in the Bronx”. Basically, for anyone who’ll talk, Riedel will listen.

“Michael Riedel doesn't work for the producers or the publicists; he works for the reader,” one publicist said. “Sometimes we're glad of that, sometimes we're not-but at the end of the day, that's the reality.”

Sometimes he’s nice, sometimes he’s not – but the world goes round.

Through all that’s been explored, it should be stated how painful and injurious it must be for individual performers or shows to fall upon the unmitigated, maiming force of being on the wrong side of Riedel’s favour. The way he approached coverage on Bernadette is deplorable from an emotional and personal standpoint. Some would argue that it was too far and crossed a line and was most definitely unfair. Others would say it was justified. It’s hard not to sound petulant as the former, or heartless as the latter.

While his actions may indeed be abrasively wounding in isolated (often plentiful) cases, it’s unreasonable to say Riedel’s intentions would be to cripple the Broadway industry as a whole. There are those who purport that Riedel in fact “keeps Broadway alive with his controversies”. His words may not always be ‘nice’ but it’s difficult to argue they're not engaging.

Many are quick to criticize or react impassionedly to him and his columns; but few are quick to stop reading them. And Riedel “knows that the most important thing is being well read”.

Hence it is understandable why Riedel is appraised as “the columnist Broadway loves to hate”. Through his enthralling and stimulating bag of linguistic and dramatic tricks, Riedel knows how to keep the readers coming back. “He’s lively, and he makes the theater seem like an interesting place,” one producer did reason.

“There are times when no one's going to care about Broadway if you don't have a gossip angle that focuses on the backstage drama,” opined George Rush, the Daily News gossip columnist who was once Riedel's boss.

Perhaps it is logically and principally then, if somewhat cynically, a matter of believing “it's just business” and knowing how to “play the game”.

As Riedel himself would rationalise, “It’s all an act. You gotta have a gimmick, as they say in Gypsy.”

It may not be pleasant, but in a world increasingly dependent on sensationalistic and clickbait-driven engagement, it’s probably not going to change any time soon.

 Well then, if he can live with the toll of the position of moral tumult his column puts him in, so be it.

That he described his mind as being “constantly on the next deadline”, saying “I always think about the column”, and likening writing it to “standing under a windmill”, where “you dodge one blade, but there's always another one coming right behind it”, may be some indication that he can't. At least not wholly easily.

I’ll leave that to him to figure out. Off the record.

#Bernadette Peters #gypsy #gypsy the musical #gypsy musical #michael riedel #new york post #ben brantley #stephen sondheim #arthur laurents #sam mendes #tony awards #Broadway #Off Broadway #broadway musicals #musicals #musical theatre #theatre #new york times #new york #donna murphy #liz smith #newspaper #columnist #celeb gossip #hello dolly #ethel merman #broadway musical #actress

[fishyfod]

Musings about Klein and Willow

So a lot of us have been thinking Willow’s state of mind is not only the product of Jacques’s abuse, but also something else, maybe an accident related to a short-lived huntress career, maybe it’s related to Nicholas’s fate.

Side note: none of this is to downplay the effect of Jacques’s abuse on her, or the seriousness of her alcoholism.

It got me thinking about Klein, and his interactions with Willow this episode specifically. I got the impression Klein cares about her well-being quite personally, and is deeply affected seeing Willow struggling against the temptation of liquor and holding it together at a time of crisis. It reminds me of Weiss’s attitude towards Willow, a mixture of disappointment but also - hmm, yearning? - for a person of the past.

Klein’s always been an anomaly in the Schnee household. We knew his care for Weiss (and by extension, Whitley and Winter) was unique, seeing as the rest of the staff held their loyalties for Jacques before the children. Which is frankly strange, when I think about it; I can imagine part of the staff just wouldn’t care about the children, or that some of them would be more intimidated by Jacques and the proverbial noose of a payment check he holds around their neck. It could be that by chance, Klein was the only one with enough heart to care for the children and wit to know how to disobey Jacques subtly enough to escape punishment, that’s completely reasonable.

But maybe his behavior is connected to his relationship to Willow. I’d wager he’s been part of the staff at least before Weiss was born, perhaps even early on in Willow and Jacques’s marriage. He knew Willow before her descent into alcoholism, but exactly who was that Willow? She was happier than she was now, sure, but was she healthy? If she’s already been fragile then, what was it like to work for her?

And then it hit me - Klein is a doctor. He is skillful enough to be able to fall back to this job after Jacques fired him, and everyone knows training to become a professional doctor is an arduous journey that can take decades. With that kind of qualifications, why does he settle for being a butler of a wealthy family?

But maybe being a doctor is exactly what made him qualified for the role, because Willow needed someone like him. Perhaps it was Nicholas, perhaps it was Jacques, someone might’ve decided Willow needed someone at hand constantly, someone medically trained. And Klein, kind-hearted man that he is, began caring for her beyond his professional obligations [x].

So of course, when his patient becomes a mother, who cares for her children very much, he cares for them too. So of course, when he witnesses her failures as a parent and the father’s abuse, he tries filling in their shoes for the sake of the children. And of course, when presented with the opportunity to help free Weiss from Jacques, he makes that choice even at the cost of his job.

And maybe that’s even the missing puzzle piece why he’s seemingly so special amongst the staff. I can’t truly believe Klein managed to hide his care for the children perfectly all those years. Maybe his formal status as Willow’s caretaker granted him partial immunity, allowing him to bend the rules slightly. And that’s how he got away with it for so long, until he did something too drastic in Volume 4.

[Before someone dares suggest it, no, I do not mean it in a romantic sense.]

#Klein Sieben #Willow Schnee #RWBY Analysis #RWBY8 #RWBY #my posts #fishy.analysis