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thekatebridgerton · 10 months

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How did each of the Bridgertons cope with their break ups?

Anthony: full denial

He acted so shocked, like how dare Kate breakup with him first. Anthony was a total primadonna, he denies that Kate broke his heart, because he didn't love her, so he's fine, see how fine he is. *Lives in the office* *stares longingly at Kate whenever she picks up Violet for a girls night* *refuses to see anyone except his mother* *keeps working himself to death* he's fine!! (He's not fine, he's barely eating or sleeping, someone get this man some water)

Benedict: Went full hoe

He broke up with Sophie, because she wanted to be 'in a relationship ' not a ' situationship' then he Threw himself into the art scene, getting high, having meaningless after meaningless flings with whichever person, because guess what Sophie, he wanted freedom, see how free he is, who wants to put labels in a relationship, certainly not him. (He Calls Sophie's old number in the middle of the night to leave sad voice messages) Sophie doesn't get his messages, she blocked his number and the only Bridgerton she takes calls from, is Violet.

Colin: became a wreck and is still a wreck

This man stopped functioning after the breakup. Went on a bender, stopped showering for weeks, grew a beard. Took some job taking pictures in war thorn countries. At least Until his boss demanded he go back home and deal with his issues before he killed himself taking pictures of Colombian drug Lords. Currently Colin is holed up at his mom's home, low key pinning after his ex who of course is living her best life without him.

Daphne:

Did what every social media influencer does after a breakup, and had a makeover, went from redhead to blonde, got extensions, a new wardrobe, all the works. Then partied with her 40 closest celebrity friends and basically became the new life of the party in every club of the city. She is fine, see how not broken hearted she is, who cares that Simon didn't want to start a family with her. Who cares that they were engaged, she's got a billion followers on Instagram. And friends to party with * Cries in Gucci* Violet is worried about her

Eloise: She's coping... Sort of

Eloise is so angry at herself and at Phillip, that she joined a Taekwondo group and is now trying to channel all her rage into punching things via martial arts. So yeah, she alternates her time between listening to sad music in her room, sleeping a lot and hitting things in the gym. At least she's gaining muscle out of it, and she's going to be a black belt soon if she keeps on like that. Violet thinks she's going to hurt herself one of these days

Francesca: Faking it like a pro

Did cry on her mother's shoulder, and Violet does feel bad for her because Francesca pretends to be happy and wishing Michael all the best but she really is taking the breakup hard. As in, she cries a lot, and joined Anthony in his singlehanded pursuit to die from overwork. She blames herself for the breakup but won't admit she that she should have chased after Michael instead of waiting for him to realize he was wrong.

Hyacinth: Became addicted to videogames

After the breakup she got breakup bangs, changed the preppy dresses for pijamas and picked up Gregory's gaming console. Up until this moment Hyacinth never liked videogames, but now she prefers to play beat saber and Hitman 3, rather than face a world where she's not dating Gareth, sooo videogames it is. Violet thinks that Hyacinth is proving Gareth's point about being too spoiled to understand real world problems. But Hyacinth won't hear her, the only thing that matters is that Gareth is not here to tell her she's being silly and immature. And She's fine with that! She will do all the immature things she didn't do when they were dating. Who cares what Gareth thinks

Gregory: Learned how to bake

He's actually filling his entire college application with every extra curricular he can find to get his mind away from Lucy. So far he's been baking, knitting, playing the guitar, learning Mandarin and training the dog he got after his breakup. It's a total coincidence that he plant to go to the same ivy league Uni as she does. So far Gregory has been finding the most meaning in banking, creating a feedback loop with his siblings where he stress bakes, his siblings stress eat and he stress bakes again. Colin at least is always appreciative. Gregory is convinced that if he bakes enough muffins for Lucy's brunches with his mother, then Lucy will feel his longing... Violet wishes he would just talk to her!! Their breakup was a misunderstanding!!

And that's the tea

#bridgerton #polin #Benophie #kanthony #philoise

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heavenly-garden · 6 months

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I recently learned something.

Those who have been oppressed often oppress others. Not always is the case but more often than not it seems to happen. There are those who want to be oppressed so they can claim victimhood and say they've been oppressed too so they can fit in with even more oppressed groups. When oppressed upon harshly and over long term it causes hatred, bigotry, racism etc. People who don't realize they went from being oppressed to the oppressor means they can still claim oppression and cruelty while also being oppressive and cruel to others. It's a nasty cycle way too many people perpetuate. I was oppressed by a cruel step father for 12 years, he was a pedophile and he forced horrible things upon me against my will and as time went on I developed serious anger problems. I was angry at everything and everyone from the system, to men, to the police, to my community I also hated myself. I hated so deeply that I needed anger management because I was concerned I'd become a liability to the safety and wellbeing of others, myself included. I never thought about how my oppression was causing me to oppress others, I never took into account that I had been a part of a cycle of violence and hate. However, after my step father was gone for good I finally had time to begin healing, taking years of therapy, going to anger management, keeping drugs qnd liquor at bay so I didn't begin addictive habits which were all around me as soon as I stepped outside my door I had accessed to everything from ocean, weed, meth, heroine, pills, free liquor. I lived surrounded by a couple of native reserves where my friends did drugs and drank just to pass the time. Boredom, fear, anger, oppression, these things lead towards a very dark path if you don't become aware of how it effects us. The oppressed feel helpless so they begin to oppress in order to feel powerful over others, and the cycle goes on and on. I witnessed it on reserves where my friends lived and they were miserable and bored most of the time, sneaking their parents liquor and drugs with ease. The accessibility of drugs and liquor is far too easy for minors. People learn disrespect and distrust because of begin oppressed. My step dads mother oppressed him, she had bipolar and borderline personality disorder, she refused medication for a long time because she was in denial and he didn't know he had inherited her mental health issues until many years after and it was far too late by then the damage had been done. His mental illness had nothing to do with him being a pedo though that was all on him but his outbursts of rage, verbal, mental and physical abuse had taken its toll on me and my mom. In anycase I realized I don't want to be an oppressor. I don't want to feel this hate qnd contempt for everyone. No one did anything to me but in my mind once long ago I blamed everyone else but didn't take into account my own oppressive thoughts. I did not wish to be like that so it took over 10 years of work on myself to overcome toxic habits and intrusive thoughts. Don't get me wrong I still get intrusive thoughts but now I stop to analyze those thoughts and question them. No longer a slave to my mind, I seek to only coexist as best I can with the world no, no more buzzing in my head to go out and cause trouble I'm freeeee. I take time for myself when I need it and I've learned to enjoy being on my own instead of feeling alone and unhappy when I'm by myself, I'm finally at peace and became my own best friend, I went from hating myself to loving myself (not in a narcissistic way though) but i've learned to accept I can't control everything, I can't control what others do, I can't control what others think or feel about me, I can't control society. I had to learn to let go and accept it is what it is, time to move on. All praise be to God for helping me through the darkest days of my life. I used to hate so deeply man...it felt like it was becoming a part of my DNA lol. Anyway that's all I had to say, thank you for reading. Have a good day. 💖

#thoughts #oppression #life #pain #my thoughts

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fandsart · 6 months

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Five times Jonathan was interrupted and one person who never interrupts him

-1

Jonathan was never a particularly outgoing person. He had always been quieter and more subdued, but it got a little worse after Will was born. His mom liked to joke that he's more mature than his dad, since he demanded less attention than either of them.

If one wasn't screaming, the other was, and Jonathan had to sacrifice some of the attention he got when he was younger. Four years old and already attention starved. He didn’t blame his mom or Will, but it was hard not to blame his dad.

His mom at least tried. She would try to talk and play with him throughout the day, and even if she didn't have the time she had at least set aside a time so that they would have a full half an hour every day.

Every night, after getting Will down, she would read him to sleep. After a long day of being largely ignored, he at least had that to look forward to.

Until his dad started drinking and his mom had to start babysitting him too. And Jonathan couldn't even be upset with her because he would watch as she tried, with very little success, to rock Will in her arms while guiding her trashed husband through the hallway and into his bed.

He knew she was tired, so when she finally got Will to sleep and entered Jonathan's room for their daily story, he would pretend to be asleep already. He heard her sad but relieved sigh and was happy to have let that go. She didn’t need to deal with him too.

"Can you be nicer?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"To mommy. Because she's tired all the time from-"

"You think I'm not tired all the time? What do you think I do all day when I'm not here?"

"Mommy says you work at the gas station."

"Yes. And do you know how condescending people can be to essential workers? You think I'm just a 'mean' person, like I don't have reason to be angry."

"I just want mommy to-"

"You want your mommy? Grow up."

"Can you just stop going to 'the bar?'"

That got his dad going on a long rant about how alcoholism can't be helped and he shouldn't judge people for addiction, how he was completely hopeless against his draw toward the bar and Jonathan should stop trying to talk about things he doesn't understand.

-2

Jonathan never really had anywhere to go and do things until kindergarten. It was either play in the house or play in the yard. There were occasional park trips before Will was born, but he preferred the comfort of knowing he could run back to the security of his room at any given time if he suddenly decided he wanted to look at his books or play with his toys. It was just a much faster journey from his backyard to his bedroom. His mom's supervision was also less suffocating in his own yard, without strangers on all sides.

But he could make friends at school, like the kind people have on TV. That's what his mom had told him. All kinds of kids with all kinds of interests and he could decide which of them he wanted to hang out with.

He didn't think he wanted to though, because on the first day, a boy named Tommy managed to drink half a bottle of glue before the teacher got it away from him. Everyone in the class thought it was hilarious, but Jonathan found it pretty disturbing.

"You might need a doctor," he said. "My mom told me-"

"It's just a joke, Jojo."

"Nuh-uh. Cuz you really-"

"No look. It's funny!" Tommy then laughed loudly and obnoxiously. He wasn't at school the next day.

"I had a tummy ache," he said the day after.

"Tha's because you drank glue," Jonathan said.

"Nuh-uh. It was the next day."

"But tha's how-"

"Jojo, shut up."

-3

By middle school he was going by his full name. His dad told him he should go by John eventually, but he hated that. He liked 'Jonathan.' He thought it was kind of rich for his dad to tell him he should go by a version of his name which sounded more professional when his dad only ever went by Lonnie, which Jonathan thought sounded far less 'professional' than his full name 'Alonzo' but he never used it because he didn’t like it.

His dad had said that it's different, but his mom had said he only said that because it's from his perspective, and that Jonathan should go by whatever he wants, and she'd call him 'corn husk' if he asked. That made him laugh.

In seventh grade, that same boy, Tommy, had started making connections with the eighth graders. Back in sixth grade he got a girlfriend who convinced him they could get whatever they wanted and they'd apparently been keeping up on scheming to do so. They started hanging out with Steve Harrington, who was basically the richest kid in town.

Seventh and eighth grade shared their lunch and recess periods, and that's when Tommy was able to get his in with the eight graders, and the fact that he managed to snag Harrington is something he was annoyingly proud of. He was just bragging about his accomplishments during worksheet time in science class when Jason finally snapped at him.

"Would you shut up about it? No one cares. Everyone knows the only reason he puts up with you is because it's sad you're even trying this hard and because your dads work together."

"You're just jealous because he doesn't want to be friends with you. I've seen you try to talk to him."

"Hey Byers." Jonathan jolts in his seat at the address. "Don't you think Tommy should stop talking about his pity friend?"

"I don't-"

"Why are you even asking him?" Tommy interrupts. "He doesn't have anything to do with this."

"Exactly. He's a neutral party."

"He doesn't have any friends. He's too neutral to even understand the conversation. Plus, he's trailer trash."

"I don't live in a-"

"He's the only other person at our table to ask."

"What, we're gonna talk this through like girls? We can't settle this like men?"

That's how the most pointless first fight Jonathan's ever witnessed broke out in the middle of fifth period of seventh grade.

If Jonathan had gotten his word in, he would have said they were placing way too much weight on Harrington's decision to spend time with Tommy. He's not a genius or anything. In fact from what he's heard, he's actually kinda dumb. He's just some guy who happened to have a lot of money from a job that his father inherited. Nothing Steve did with anyone is really indicative of anything to do with the quality of his friends.

-4

Steve Harrington's opinion on someone is definitely not a credible one, but in high school people were absolutely gushing about him. It's like every comment he made is viewed as law by the general student population.

Steve once said that Janet acted like a clown, and she became known as clown-face. He later asked why everyone started calling her that, as if he hadn't know , and everyone pretended they never did. He called Eddie a freak and Eddie himself leaned into it. That last example might not be the best for that point, but still. It was like Eddie knew the inevitable and wanted to get ahead of it.

Jonathan happened to be within earshot of the two when the conversation happened. Tommy was talking to Steve about the yearbook.

"Do you have a senior picture picked out?"

"I'm not graduating for almost 2 more years. I'd want my senior photo to be of me as an actual senior."

"Right, obviously. I was just checking because I've heard some of the freshmen think they already have theirs picked out. Pretty funny."

"Yeah, that's pretty dumb. Even for me."

"You might start to consider where you want them taken though. My older brother didn't think to plan his and his senior photo is just in his room. He burned his yearbook because of that."

Steve snorted. "Yeah, thanks man. I never would have even thought to think ahead for that."

"Don't worry man. I got you."

"I figured I'd just go to a studio or something but it would be pretty cool to have them in an actual setting. I don't know if my dad will pay for me to drag a camera man into some random space."

"You might be able to get Jonathan to do it for free," Tommy laughed.

"Who the hell is Jonathan?"

Next thing Jonathan knew, everyone was pretending he was actually nonexistent. Barring the teachers of course, but even the teachers had been hesitant to call on him when all the students in the classroom made exaggerated 'Who?'s and 'I don't hear anyone speaking!'s.

Jonathan wasn't sure if everyone was aware that Steve probably genuinely didn't know who Jonathan was or not, but this lasted a couple of months until his brother dissapeared and everyone got too uncomfortable to make fun of him.

-5

Dating Nancy was great. Having someone who was as headstrong as she was worked great in his favor. When he was too meek to get things done she would take charge for him. He wasn't always willing to make a big deal out of it when a restaurant got his order wrong, but Nancy made it not even look like a big deal. Just requested the fix like it was nothing. If he was trying to speak to a group she would often speak for him.

But it also sometimes made it hard to get a word in.

Jonathan hadn't really known why she and Steve broke up fully for the first year or so that they were dating. Whatever Steve did must have been bad because she even forgave him after he spray painted that she was a slut on the theater marquee and apologized once. So he couldn't say he wasn't curious as to what Steve could have possibly done to warrant a breakup. Given how much of an asshole he knew Steve to be, it didn't occur to him that it could have been Nancy's fault until she's basically admitting to it, while simultaneously denying it was her fault.

He asked and Nancy told him that Steve got dramatic about something she had said when she was drunk.

"I mean, you remember picking me up from Tina's Halloween party after he ditched me," she said. "I confronted him the next day and he started going off on me about things I don't even remember saying. How seriously can you take someone so drunk they can't even walk in a straight line?"

"What'd you say?" He asked because he was curious, not because he was planning on making some call about how warrented it was. Sure he knew there probably was only so far you can get on the spectrum of good to bad things one can say before it stops mattering how drunk you are, but he couldn't imagine his girlfriend would have said something that bad.

"I guess I told him I never loved him or something."

"Ok, I get the whole, 'You shouldn't trust the words of a drunk,' but why do you think you would have said that if there wasn't some truth to it?"

"I mean, it was kind of true, but I didn't know that at the time."

"You 'didn't know that at the time?' Should I be concerned?"

"You're not listening to me!"

"I am listening to you, but-"

"Nobody ever listens to me! Why are you even taking his side? He's my ex!"

"I'm not trying to take sides, I'm just trying to understand-"

"Bullshit!" She stormed out of the room.

Jonathan never brought this up again. Nancy seemed to want to pretend the conversation never happened. It’s not like Nancy made a habit of interrupting Jonathan the way everyone else outside his family had, but she often just doesn’t listen to him.

Like when she was frustrated that none of the board members would listen to her ideas and went off to get her own story, dragging Jonathan with her despite his protests. She got upset with him for wanting to work under people who could be so condescending and he got upset with her because he didn't want to work under them. He just needed a way to help pay for Will's medical expenses from his recovery last year, and with that new bad reference on his resume, he wasn't sure he'd be able to get a new job. It was hard enough getting the post job with his reputation of living in the slums, raised by the town crazy lady. Even after Will turned out to be alive, she'd still had a reputation from her outbursts about it.

Jonathan had never been that well outspoken, but the oppressive feeling that he's being muffled out on all sides became a hundred times worse when they moved to California. It was such a new area, surrounded by no familiar faces and a completely different climate. He'd made it almost the whole quarter he'd been at the school year without uttering more than probably 10 accumulative words.

He wasn't sure Will is faring much better, but at least he had El in his grade to talk to if he needed someone at any given moment.

They were almost a semester in so that meant the teachers needed to make sure everyone understood and remembered the procedures for emergencies. It was drill day. The thing was, he was in an entirely new environment, and while they'd gone over drills earlier that school year, Jonathan's family hadn't moved until after that point; in October.

"We're going to be doing the fire drill later today," the teacher—whose name Jonathan hadn't managed to get down yet—announced to the class immediately after the pledge was performed, "but we should be getting the announcement to start the earthquake drill any minute now." She turned back to the board and started drawing down some kind of graph they'd presumably be working with once the class started after the drill.

The thing was, Jonathan had never done an earthquake drill before. Back in Hawkins they'd done tornado drills instead. He hesitantly raised his hand, hoping she would turn around soon, but it turned out to be a very complicated chart.

He managed to force out an uncomfortable "Uh..." to no effect. Not that he'd have expected much, but he's in such an awkward situation and he hates drawing attention towards himself. "Ms-" he cut himself off again.

The room seemed so quiet that cutting through it felt uncomfortable. And yet he had and she somehow hadn't heard. Trying again seemed disruptive at this point, to the people around him who did hear. No one ever wanted to hear Jonathan speak.

"Mrs. Phillips," someone piped up from the back. She turned. "The new dude's got a question."

"Oh!" she said at the realization that Jonathan had his hand up. "Yes?"

"We didn't do earthquake drills where I'm from," he explained. "I don't really know..."

"I'll be sure to guide you through it when the time comes," she said, then turned back towards the board and continued writing.

That same guy came over to his table later at lunch and sat directly in front of him. Jonathan glanced at him to acknowledge his presence, then dipped his head back down to his food again.

"Where are you from?"

"Hm?" Jonathan looked up.

"You said you didn't do earthquake drills where you're from."

"Oh, it's... Indiana."

"Oh, really man? Isn't that, like, corn land?"

"Something like that..."

"Jonathan, right?"

And that was the weird part about moving to a new town, that everyone knew the Byers, but they didn't know anyone else. Jonathan waited for the other guy to introduce himself, but he just continued waiting for an answer, continued staring intently, instead of taking Jonathan's lack of denial for confirmation, as people are prone to do.

"Yeah, Jonathan."

"Well my name is Argyle. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"You seem stressed," Argyle said one day. He'd taken to sticking to Jonathan like glue. Jonathan thought it was maybe simply because he had let him.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm... acclimating to the new environment."

"Oh, still? You've been here for a couple months. What parts of it?"

"Nothing specific I guess. I'm mostly concerned about how my siblings are doing here."

"You have siblings? What are they like?"

And that's just how it was with Argyle. He asked questions about Jonathan, about what he's like. Questions he... actually seemed invested in the answers of. He waited patiently for answers with curious eyes.

It's not that Jonathan had never had anyone willing to listen to what he has to say. Will mostly... But Will was his little brother. Jonathan was meant to support him. Nancy is his girlfriend and... well she wasn't actually much of a listener either. Wouldn’t listen when he didn't want to risk his job at the Hawkins Post because his family was struggling financially. And when that whole thing was over, they did get fired and she still ended up being the "right" one.

Somewhere along the way he must have started believing that any complaint he might have of her was always going to be invalid. If no one ever listened to him, it must be because he truly had nothing worth saying.

But then Argyle asked, solemnly and sympathetically, if Jonathan had to leave any friends behind in Hawkins.

Jonathan sighs and said, "Yeah, Nancy I guess. She was my girlfriend- is my girlfriend."

Argyle grimaced, then raised his eyebrows, prompting Jonathan to expand on that thought maybe. The next thing Jonathan knew he was ranting about the whole situation. How he suggested that they take a break with the relationship. And it's not like he wanted to take that break, but he would have hoped she'd have at least considered the options that come with moving across the country. But she had some image about being the only people for each other and how they could make it work. And he was happy to go long distance at the time, but when things started becoming a struggle, when he brought it up and she said that they just had to tough it out until college when they could be together again. And that's where the real issue came up.

Because Nancy Wheeler always needed to be right, and Jonathan didn't know how to tell her that he wasn't just going to leave Will and El. If he was struggling to acclimate to the new social and literal climate, then they definitely were. Especially El.

But... Nancy never listened to him; so he was scared to even bring it up. Argyle encouraged him to.

Jonathan interrupted Argyle. He only realized it later, in retrospect. Argyle was panicking, because they were in the middle of burying a body they never should have had to deal with. Argyle was new to the stresses of these larger than life problems. And he was freaking out, going on a rant about all the fears on his mind and Jonathan actually yelled at him to get him to calm down.

"Sorry about that," Jonathan apologized later, after night fell and he was still driving with the sleeping freshmen in the back seat.

"Nah man, I needed that," Argyle said, still clearly very high from all he took to get himself to calm down earlier. "Besides," he smiled, "I like that you feel comfortable enough with me to raise your voice a little."

#jargyle #jonathan byers #st argyle #argyle #argyle stranger things #stranger things argyle #fandsart

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elderemorune · 3 months

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What a week.

TW: Suicide discussion ahead. Please be kind to yourself and don't read if you're not in the headspace for it.

A family friend passed away this week. I first learned about it a couple of days ago. Her name was Emily, and she was a lawyer. Damn fine one too. She and I weren't especially close, but I'd ask her legal questions on occasion, stuff like "Hey, how does founding an LLC work?" or "Hey, I just learned about this really cool business idea, can you point me to someone who can help me work out what I'd need to do for it?" It was professional, and I didn't know that much about her.

What I do know is that she suffered from chronic pain, and didn't have any tools to effectively manage it. The stuff that deadened the pain's addictive, and with doctors basically not prescribing opiates at all if they can help it, she was left in the lurch. Eventually it became too much to bear, and she just couldn't do it anymore.

She leaves behind a husband and children, whom are all kind and gentle folk. I recall meeting her partner at a baseball game with my dad once, he was a swell guy. Shook my hand firmly and made jokes about an ex-con marrying his lawyer. She just gave him a withering look, said "Don't be an ass, I don't even practice criminal law!" and we all laughed.

The pain overtook her, and it's hard to blame her.

I mean, can you imagine? Body aching all the time, no reprieve except when you're asleep? Doctors telling you you're engaging in drug seeking behavior simply because you'd like to have one good fucking day, just one?

My wife lives that life too. She's constantly in pain, her body fighting her at any given moment simply for the sin of having been born to parents who ardently refused to have her medical issues treated when she was a child, her dad and stepmom chiding her doctors when they said "She has a hormone imbalance brought on by precocious puberty".

"Oh she doesn't have anything wrong with her, she's just lazy and fat."

I'm digressing from what I wanted to talk about, sorry. That woman's been through a lot, and it's so hard not to get mad about it. Especially right now. I worry so much about her pain levels that I keep her supplied in marijuana and do everything about the house to the best of my abilities just to limit it as much as I can.

And while that's the worst thing that happened this week, I can't really say the rest was good. I mean, in comparison to suicide, sure I guess, but you know.

It's fucking weird when one finds out that your mom didn't actually want to be polyamorous again.

Oh yeah, my folks were poly in 2019, and that blew up massively in their faces for reasons that are not mine to share.

Anyway, I came to find out that my dad lied to my mom about how he met his girlfriend, Sarah. He said he met her on Reddit, but had lied about taking his dating profile down. He takes phone calls from Sarah every night at 5:00, when he's supposed to shut his office down and stop ignoring my mom for the day.

My mom has no desire to meet Sarah. Says "I can't, I'll hate her, and she hasn't even done anything wrong. I don't want to meet her."

As a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship, there is a right way to do this, and a wrong one, and FUCK is the wrong one lying to your partner about it. I mean shit, I did that three fucking years ago! And while I would absolutely state that my behavior three years ago was of a significantly different (read harsh, mean, unkind, abusive), it started this way. With a lie.

Sure he came clean, but there's nothing that can be trusted about this relationship now.

So I finish talking to my mom about this because I have other shit to do and being angry at my dad for yet another reason isn't doing me much good. She closes out with this:

"Thank you for caring about me and having my back and being my amazing and wonderful son."

To wit I said "Well it's not like I can be anyone else, right? :P"

And completely unprompted, she says "Well you could be my amazing and wonderful 'child' instead of my son and you would still be the same as far as I'm concerned. I would still love you just as much. You're one of my favorite people."

For those who aren't good at speaking white suburban mom, this translates to "I would still love you if you were trans."

What? I'm still confused by this. About once a year, I sit down and take a mental inventory, you know, see who I was this last year, and compare that to who I want to be. That includes taking stock of my gender identity. That part of the process generally amounts to "Am I comfortable in my body? Yes? Good.", but if it were different then that's fine too.

Like, I'm not GNC, I'm not genderqueer, I'm just queer.

Apparently, because trans folks often use this term to refer to themselves, my mom had simply assumed that I was among that crowd.

Again, what? What a fucking leap of logic, mom! Well, at least we know you're an ally.

And also, I'm honestly crossing my fingers with the hope that you'll divorce dad. I love the two of you, but fuck are you awful for each other.

What else happened this week? Hell, I can't remember. Wednesday was weird, but I think I already talked about it previously. That shit with Ruth was a hell of a thing. I told my wife that I'm not going to any family events that Ruth is gonna be at unless my nieces are there. Then I'll just ignore Ruth and play with the kids. They fuckin love me. Hattie, my oldest niece, makes fun of me for "Talking too big" when she brings up God. They don't like Ruth either.

This is already getting kinda long, and I've got work to do, so I guess I'll update some other time.

Please be kind to yourselves.

#tw suicide #vent #blog #journal #mental health #polyamory #but wrong

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exhalcdvibes · 1 year

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official name : alastair joseph miller iii . meaning of name : of greek origin meaning ‘mans defender’ ; of hebrew origin meaning god will give. nicknames : alvie , al. date of birth : april 15, 1981. age : forty one. birthplace : little rock , arkansas. nationality : american. gender : cis man. pronouns : he/him. orientation : bisexual ( prefers women ) & biromantic. religion : atheist. languages : english . education : high school drop out .

｡* ❪ 📂 › BASICS

(—) �� spotted!! alaster “ alvie ” miller iii on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 41 year old looks like charlie hunnam, but i don’t really see it. while the bodyguard & owner of a security agency is known for being forthright my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be possessive i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song john redcord by sir {he/him / cis man}

｡* ❪ 📂 › BACKSTORY

alvie grew up with a father who hated his guts, his mom died in child birth and his dad has always blamed him for the loss. literally this man tried to name him lucifer and his mother ( alvies grandma ) was like no we’re not doing that

he was more so raised by his grandma than his dad, when he was six he dropped him off there and rarely ever surfaced again but when he did he always left a dark cloud in alvie’s life until he eventually left again. he literally hasn’t spoken to his dad in over twenty years.

his grandma died when he was twenty five and that was the last time he cried. he’ll tell you that he’s never loved someone besides her. she was basically his only family. he has a half sibling that he knows about but hasn’t made any effort to get to know.

he joined the military at 18 and intended to make a career out of it, only retiring at age 35 when he got into a fight with a commanding officer which essentially stalled his career.

he tried to have relationships but he was moving around so much while he was military that they never really lasted long. he kind of just gave up on love, he’s been single for seven years.

he was recommended to lily because they needed security and he was more than qualified. he’s still her personal security and anytime there’s a big event you’ll find him trailing behind her like a little shadow.

｡* ❪ 📂 › EMOTIONAL STATE

very closed off, really doesn’t like talking to people like...at all

he doesn’t often get angry you have to push him pretty far to get him upset most the time he’ll just get in his car and drive until he feels better instead of reacting

he will not be your wise old man, don’t tell him your problems most you’ll get out of him is a “that’s rough buddy”

emotions are tough for him to identify he tends to feel blank most of the time

tries to be nice but it doesn’t always come off the way he’s intending it to

｡* ❪ 📂 › QUICK FACTS

my mans was almost in the secret service

hates drugs , doesn’t drink ( he’s a recovering alcoholic )

addicted to tiny desk performances

loves cardigans & sweaters

his house is a fucking disaster zone and he absolutely refuses to hire a maid he doesn’t want a stranger in his house

always keeps a gameboy with whatever pokemon he’s playing that day & a minimum of $20,000 in his fanny pack

#hillzhqsintro

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subarus-gentle-butterfly · 1 year

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MIU'S BACKSTORY

TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, self-harm, addiction, neglect, and starvation are ever present in Miu's Backstory. Read at your own discretion.

Please don't ignore these warnings if you are uncomfortable with any of the topics listed. I am not responsible for how you may react should you choose to ignore the warnings and cause yourself mental harm.

Miu was born into a dysfunctional, unloving, and toxic family. She was bullied and abused by her father, Mikuo for years, never once daring to escape, fight back, or disobey for fear of worse treatment, despite her deep hatred for her father and longing for the torture to stop. Her mother, Chisato would tell her always how much she loved Miu, how Miu was everything she ever needed, but was always too drunk or high to step in to protect her from her evil father and when she was conscious in her right mind, she did nothing but watch with an expression Miu didn't understand in her tired eyes. Because of this, Miu had to grow up early and act like a responsible caregiver for her mother, who was either obsessed with her or hated her, while also continuously feeling hurt or betrayed by her mother.

Chisato's addictions and delusions only got worse once she learned of Mikuo's affair and other child, a son named Goro Sakamoto, who was brought to live with her family as his mother was sick. Miu absolutely fell in love with having a sibling, hoping naively that this could somehow save her broken family and turn it into the perfectly normal family that other kids around her and on television had. Miu she loved her brother more than anything. They were super close, they would do everything together. And things were going well... Until they didn't anymore. While Goro was staying with them, her father did try to shape up a bit, knowing he was being watched now by the people who dropped Goro in his care. He stopped screaming at Miu and hurting her as much.... Until he got laid off from his job. He exploded, everything he had done before just became worse. He didn't even care anymore. He was just angry and uncontrollable. Miu did everything in her power to protect her half-brother from her father's wrath. She taught him how to get away with certain actions behind his back, what not to do or say around him, and when to act like he was asleep and how to get away with it. In addition to that, Miu would always take the blame for any antics her brother got up to that lead to a scolding. She told him she would always have his back, no matter what. She loved him most in her life. She loved him more than she loved her mom. Another 2 years pass, her father becomes a contract employee working for a corrupt boss, and Goro gets taken away and sent back to his recovered mother. Miu feels helpless, as soon as her brother was gone, the beatings got worse as her father became far more stressed and angry. Over this time, her father became sadisticly obsessed with using Miu to de-stress. He started to enjoy seeing her beat up and bleeding, in his mind, he no longer even thought she was human, much less his own child anymore. Things would go as far as Miu being locked in the basement without food for days, she would get whipped with a belt if she didn't do something her father asked her to immediately, would get degraded nightly and told how much her mother was a whore and how useless Miu was, that she'll end up just like her mother. He would hit her with alcohol bottles for fun when she was allowed out.

During this time, Miu took up a self-harm addiction. She would scratch at her wrists with whatever she had that was sharp enough, one time breaking the skin with just her nails alone. She just wanted something, anything to distract her from the emotional pain she felt. He became so used to the constant cycle of pain, but it never stopped hurting. One unfortunate day, she gets caught cutting by her father, who laughs in her face about it. "Pathetic." After this, her addiction became a normal pass time. She would do it without thinking as just something to do while she was alone. The following night, she gets locked in the basement without food for two more days. After crying herself to sleep nearly every night with her forearms bloody and battered, Miu decides that she just can't take it anymore. Nothing would ever get better, and her brother would never come back to save her. In the time she's locked up, she forges a plan to pick the lock on the door and get out. She had been practicing with various objects trying to unlock the door since she was first trapped, and she was sure she could do it this time. In the middle of the night, while she could hear her father's loud snoring, Miu decided it was then or never. Much to her relief, she successfully gets the door unlocked and crawls out of the door, out into the danger zone. She takes as much precaution as she can to make as little noise as possible while going up the stairs, terrified. Once she's in the clear, she quickly tip-toes out for her shoes, grabbing a knife from a kitchen drawer and taking a look around her childhood home. She can’t help but feel torn a little sentimental about the place she was raised with so many fond memories with her brother. But the trauma greatly outweighed those memories, and she was running short on time, so she tugs on her worn shoes and takes a wobbly step outside.

The air outside is cold but refreshing, almost knocking the wind out of her lungs when it hits her face, which was warm and wet from crying. She looks back inside one more time before closing the front door, a little too loudly and sprinting as fast as she can to get away.

She could hear her blood rushing in her ears, drowning any sound behind her out. Her legs hurt, she felt like her lower half was burning. She doesn't stop once, barely recognizing the sting of the cold night air on her raw arms, the figure of an abandoned mansion in the distance, a loud creaky door. She doesn't stop to think or check if her newfound safe-haven was really as abandoned as it had looked. After several minutes of dry-heaving and catching her breath, she finally stumbles across a room with a very comfortable looking bed. She could ignore the pain in her stomach telling her she needed to feed, she just wanted to rest, safely and soundly. So she climbed into the bed, starting to cry from relief, and guilt of not thinking about her mother, but mostly such overwhelming relief that she was finally far, far away from her monster of a father. She was asleep before she could even remember closing her eyes. She had peaceful dreams for the first time in years.

When she awoke, she was surrounded by intimidating figures with glowing eyes staring down at her like they wanted to eat her. She scrambles to pick up her knife holding it firmly in her hands and ready to attack the suspicious men around her.

She would later learn of the new monster, or monsters, that could hurt her even worse than her father ever had. But she would learn to love them regardless, and think of them as her family, despite how cruel they would treat her. All that matters to her was that she was safe, despite the entirely new danger she had trespassed into.

[Obtaining files. . .]

「Files found! Select」

》▪︎open | ▪︎ignore

Loading. . .

【FAMILY LOGS】

Father: Mikuo Kinkawa

Mother: Chisato Ameyama

Siblings: Goro Sakamoto (younger half-brother)

No other documented family found

#miu kinkawa #diabolik lovers oc #diabolik oc #archive #diabolik lovers rp #diabolik sumiu #kinkawa miu #🦋: important

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pandababies777 · 7 months

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Whenever I have a crush on someone I always get obsessive, creepy, and desperate with extreme anxiety if I don’t date them right away. It honestly feels like I’m going to die the next day if they fail to reciprocate, with headaches and chest pains that take forever to go away. Whenever I want someone or something, I just want it so bad I can’t relax until it happens. Or if it doesn’t, I end up having severe meltdowns that would result in welfare visits from the police.

I’m a lonely person who rejected my parents after realizing they were individually fucked up. My father is an angry and racist asshole who always used violence and intimidation to get what he wanted. He was a deadbeat to my half sister and lied to me about her existence for many years to hide his past abuse. I remember he would spend frivolously on fast food and fishing gear, and then get pissed off if he was nagged about it. He would be so reckless with debts we ended up homeless and evicted out of my childhood home. Whenever I wanted to invite Black or South Asian friends home, he would yell and try to convince me they were violent or going to steal from me. Just like how I used to be, he would rip on every race he could unless he found them to be useful. He fetishizes Asian women a lot, especially Filipino ladies because he believed white women were trying to be too dominant with him. In reality they just wanted some fucking respect. He would spend the remainder of their life together flirting with ladies from the Philippines and Thailand online, before threatening to release their nudes if they weren’t obedient. For many years I would have flashbacks of how he would throw me on the ground to beat me up. Often times he would punch me in the face or grab me by the hair and throw me across the room like a rag doll. I still have pictures of the bruises he gave. Even as an adult he would beat me up. I couldn’t bond with him properly because of how he blamed his temper on everyone except himself. He blamed everything on the abuse his parents gave, and I believed him until his siblings would deny everything. Now I’m not quite sure if he was honest or trying to play victim. The only thing I know for sure was how my grandmother babied him while my grandfather became the disciplinarian.

My mother is a codependent and ableist narcissist who believe autistic people are permanent, brain dead children who constantly need supervision regardless of their age. She would forbid me from learning how to use the bus until I was 18 because she believed having autism meant I couldn’t figure out public transit. She would prevent me from joining activities to meet other kids outside of school when I was getting bullied after believing having autism would make it difficult to tell her if I got molested. Extreme paranoia and obsessive thoughts about me getting hurt would keep me from a lot of opportunities to be social. And I would look at my life in elementary school believing, “That’s it, that’s all the people I’m ever going to meet in life so I need to figure out how I can be an exact copy everyone else and make friends.” She would bitch and complain about all my friends, even the good ones. I lost two amazing friends that I still think about after she tricked me into believing they were using me first. I began to use them for trauma dumping years after my Mom convinced me they were using me after I wasn’t invited to a California trip years ago. And the thing is I know I’m not entitled to every single trip they make, because they would include me in a lot more than just one vacation. I’m not entitled to anyone’s leisure time. I would take our financial woes out on my mother because she had poor health and couldn’t hold a job. I would tell her every day I hated her because she didn’t have a job to stop us from being poor. And she didn’t want to listen to me about getting her life together and leaving him because she was addicted to pain killers. She was more concerned about financial security than my mental health. I would often beg her for a therapist or a psychiatrist for my issues, but then she would tell me it was all talk like you do at home. She didn’t want me talking about my father after believing CPS would be called to take me away from him. She was scared of losing her home and money if he wasn’t around. The most she ever did was take me to only two counselling sessions because I threatened suicide at school after kids were bullying me on a grade nine geography field trip. From then on I developed a bad habit of threatening suicide to release intense emotions I couldn’t handle or force people to say nice things about me. I just couldn’t figure out where to go when it came to making friends to replace my parents so I felt like I had two options; emulate what everyone else wanted in a friend at school or force people to like me through threats and manipulation. She always had an excuse for everything she did to me like, “Oh I didn’t let you join things as a child because you were going to get molested and not tell me because you have autism,” or “I didn’t let you join things because I was afraid your autism would make you act out and embarrass yourself.” Then she would say she didn’t want to leave because of financial security or blame it on the fact my father ruined her self esteem. Honestly, if you’re going to have excuses you might as well be consistent. I couldn’t believe her when she said she didn’t want another kid with him because he was an asshole. Especially after she told me I don’t have sibling from her because, “You made Mommy too tired.” I would grow up and see her get fed up with being around children whenever I invited people over, and believed she only wanted me to trap my father. Now that I think about it, they both probably used her pregnancy to keep both of them from separating. On top of everything else, I think she was burned out and fed up from trying to take care of me. She would use our relationship as a source of fulfillment to make up for her own pathetic life where she couldn’t have friends after believing he would embarrass her. She would also use me as a therapist to talk shit about my father, where he once tried to lock her out of the apartment for going to a work Christmas party.

My parents used each other for financial stability after my father’s ex sued him for child support, while my mother wanted to escape a shitty roommate situation. They stayed together for over 25 years out of convenience. I couldn’t bond with either of them because of his anger, and her refusal to respect that I wanted to have my own life outside of my mother. She would be extremely overprotective while my father hardly gave a shit. They still neglected me by refusing to let me continue mental health services during my childhood. I know somewhere she said she regrets not letting me talk about my father to the therapist. It could have saved me. However, it still doesn’t excuse both of my parents for how they would either beat me up or treat me like a permanent child, even as an adult. My mother often accused me of lying to her, and while I do feel bad for doing it sometimes, I always felt like she was too intrusive so I had no choice but to defend myself by becoming secretive. Even when I moved out she always wanted to know where I was at all the time, who I was with, and would threaten to call the cops if I didn’t respond to a bunch of text messages within 15 minutes. I wanted space to figure out my issues and mental health when I first tried to move out, and she would constantly get paranoid when we wouldn’t talk every day. All I wanted was to have my own private thoughts and feelings, and she would force me to share everything. I mean for God sakes I know I could have eventually opened up if she respected my privacy and didn’t pressure me to share everything with her.

I rejected my parents ever since I was 12 years old because I instinctively knew why they were fucked up without understanding it at first. Then I would try to seek connections in school or the workplace and get rejected or bullied. AND IF I HAD JUST FUCKING LEARNED HOW TO BE AN EXACT COPY OF EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME GROWING UP I WOULD HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH CONNECTIONS TO SAY FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD! I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO FUCKING LOVE ME PROPERLY! IF I HAD ONLY FUCKING BOTHERED TO LEARN HOW TO BE NORMAL AND JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I COULD HAVE MADE COUNTLESS CONNECTIONS THAT WOULD STAY AND KEEP ME FROM MISSING MY STUPID WHITE TRASH REDNECK FAMILY! IF MY STUPID FUCKING PARENTS BOTHERED TO GET THEIR FAT AND UGLY DAUGHTER BREAST IMPLANTS AND LIPOSUCTION I COULD HAVE FUCKING GOTTEN MARRIED WITH KIDS BY NOW AND STOP QUESTIONING WHY THAT SHIT HAPPENS FOR EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE OF FUCKING COWORKERS WHO WOULD ASK ME WHY I AM 30 OR APPROACHING IT WITHOUT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND! WE ALL KNOW MEN ARE NOT FUCKING CAPABLE OF LOVE UNLESS THE WOMAN LOOKS LIKE A PERFECT SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT MODEL OR HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS EXPECT A LOW MAINTENANCE GIRL WHO LOOKS HIGH MAINTENANCE! I AM FUCKING SICK OF FAT AND UGLY MEN WITH DAD BODS GETTING DATES WHILE WOMEN ARE PRESSURED TO LOOK LIKE A VICTORIA SECRET MODEL! AND IF THEY DON’T BOTHER TRYING TO BE ONE, THEY FUCKING RISK DYING ALONE LIKE ME!

#my poor brain

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no-ctrl · 7 months

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Im sad. Maybe my period is coming. Maybe seasonal depression is kicking in. I am dead inside rn. I feel like I’m being laughed at from above whether it’s God or the Universe. I’m sorry to talk about both in vain but it genuinely feelings like a twisted joke. I literally had one of the worst spirals 2 nights ago. This is how it started. I unblocked Israel on Instagram then saw he was active a day before. Then I looked through his little bros page and he had posted a guitar cover of Ivy by Frank Ocean which is a song I have shown to Israel (not saying that’s why his bro is playing it but it reminded me of Israel) then I go onto his cousin’s insta and he posted a baby and I’m guessing it’s Israel’s baby brother and that was straw that broke the camels back(it’s me I’m the camel) it felt like an addiction. I looked at his threads, I looked at his tiktok and I felt so desperate I literally resort to making a Facebook. That was an all time low. I purposefully deleted my Facebook bc it was extremely unhealthy for me in terms of letting Israel go. As if making the Facebook wasn’t shameful enough, I reopened a wound the literally makes me sick to my stomach. That wound being facing Israel’s mom and how she was able to continue life and move forward while I felt left in the dust. I saw a picture of her while she was pregnant. It was a photo of her from July 2022. Israel hadn’t even been back yet at that time and there she was pregnant enjoying a family party. Then this weekend she was at her nieces baby shower. I hate her. I hate how much she has control over my feelings. I hate being so terrible. I hate hating her. I don’t want to think or feel anything towards her I want to forget her. But I can’t help but hate her for everything. I hate how she used me like if I was some emotional support dog for her addict son. She didn’t treat me like a person. She never considered me. I hate how Israel would get upset with me when I expressed my hurt towards her bc he would get defensive towards his mom (I don’t blame him) I hate how despite everything she did to him he still chose her over me. I hate that I even feel that way bc it sounds so irrational. I hate her. I hate how she gets to cause havoc and destroy everything yet continues to live life and having community within her family, she still has her son choosing her. I hate her. I hate seeing her happy while I’m miserable. It feels so tortuous. It feels like I have a wound and someone is just pouring salt and lime in tht wound and rubbing it in. Instead of being tortured by the thoughts of my brain I’m being tortured in all aspects. You think seeing her was the worst part? No it really wasn’t. Today when I was driving to my evening class after work tell me why he was right next to me at the spot light and he was just so eager to drive away he literally ended up crossing 2 yellow lights. It felt like a practical joke bc I was already in my feels these last few days. I literally couldn’t stop crying for 20 minutes. I felt like I was being laughed at. It felt like a cruel joke was being played on me. Haven’t I gone through enough? Haven’t I been putting my part? I haven’t broken no contact. I haven’t driven past his house. I give myself space to feel my emotions. I won’t lie this past weekend was a great sabotage to myself but it didn’t involve rekindling with him. So why universe why did you put me in that situation? I’m sorry being so angry and upset but isn’t this enough? I’m literally so tired. I want to be happy. I’m trying I swear but today felt so excessive. I know life is u fair but why me why now? I’m tired of being strong and holding it together. I just want to be looked after. I’m just so sad. Like I just want Israel but he doesn’t want me. He literally left me. His mom dropped him in Mexico many times when things got hard yet I’m the villain in this story. Im tired of this. Im tired of all the injustices I’m faced with. Im tired of this. I deserve to be happy I deserve an easy life. I deserve peace. I deserve to be loved.

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sea-lilli · 10 months

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Why is it that, when I walk into the apartment, and jane instantly gets up and starts magnetizing toward me, following me around to the point where I’m in the kitchen and she’s trying to get in there as well to get right up next to me, and I tell her to stop doing that, why is it that *I’m* the one jax wants to blame? Why does he say, “oh she’s not being bad, that’s just your perception”? But then a minute later, he tells her that “she was fine a minute ago and then started being off the moment I walked in the door”? This tells me he DOES see it. Maybe not as quick as I can sense the dysregulation but he DOES see it.

I’m not triggered, I just set a boundary. I hate it when she does that clingy shit. I don’t want to be treated like I’m a drug for her. It really is like I’m a drug for her and her little brain just can’t handle it, and the dopamine just starts kicking the moment she sees me, and she starts getting addictive. It’s not healthy. She should be able to be calm. Excited, *actively* hyperexcited? No. Happy to see me? Sure.

I just told jax that he can never really see my side when it comes to her, so I just don’t really bother anymore. It doesn’t really matter, as long as my shit is respected. When I tell her don’t treat me like that, he tells her to just leave me alone. And that works. Eventually she will get it from the boundaries I exhibit and am consistent with, though really he should be doing the work to explain to her about personal space and regulation while I’m away.

Also, I’m respecting my body more. She asks me for a hug, after being like that, and my body doesn’t want it. I feel bad for her, and empathy, bc I don’t want it, but she needs to come way down before I would be in a space to want one. I don’t mind hugging jax and I do. But I’m not going to be guilted into hugging Jane when I don’t want to. She does ok with this, tho she always has something to say about it, and mostly opts for air hugs and air kisses now, which is great. This is def something her step dad does with her and I think that’s great. It is wild that big reparative parts of janes parenting is coming from her future step parents instead of her actual parents. I can’t say much for her mom, but her dad is definitely learning though, and it has been a journey to let go and let him do the parenting. It has worked out so far each time he does and it’s interesting to see him do it. I don’t think he knew how to do it before, and he saw my model and followed it.

I remember one of the first times I ever met Jane, she was all dysregulated and fighting with one of her toddler friends and I emotionally coached her & Jax was super into it. He said it was “hot,” and that he felt like he owed me money for a therapy session. That was so long ago, and we were such different people then. But I miss being appreciated for it, you know? Now he just gets resentful of it. Especially when I talk to him about a lot of areas Jane is lacking in, due to the parenting she received in early life. He’s just resentful and angry now. He thinks when Jane has behaviors, it’s my fault, instead of focusing on Jane being the one with behaviors. And I just really miss that. I used to be appreciated in that way. Now I am just criticized and honestly, sometimes gaslighted.

I can’t wait to go to therapy with him. I’m struggling with connecting with the therapist tho and coming up with a time she answers her phone. Arghhh

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ilovegoats77 · 2 years

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so, i guess i should start with whatever started all of this fuckery, and why i want to do this.

i feel my mental health is at its worst, and i wish i could say this is all for attention and its faked, but everything in here is extremely raw. and why i chose tumblr? no one i know knows me here. i needed someplace to put my thoughts, so here they are.

i feel like my mental health is declining at its worst. i really think this is the lowest point in my life where i cannot stand my own body, mind, or anything like it. but im at an extremely high point in my life. amazing relationship, doing well in life, and amazing family connections. but, that being said i do feel that this is the first time in my life it hasnt been chaotic, and i cant stand it. i really, really cant.

its driving me crazy. and i do think thats why its so loud in my head. my thoughts range from hurting myself and showing off because thats well. thats how my head can get. i dont even want the attention? i dont think. but i dont really understand it myself.

ive been more angry, more aggressive, but i really have no clue why. i think im going under possible states of denial that i may have something severly wrong with me, but i also know i do. wether it be from my fucked up mom and what she gave me, to all of the sexual abuse i suffered constantly throughout my childhood years. i didnt have a childhood, and i wish i realized sooner before it was too late.

i guess it started from when one of my sexual abusers died.

thats alot to take in. a few months as of writing this my sexual abuser died. he got into a fight with his girlfriend late at night, and walked onto the highway drunk, and boom.

he was my brother.

well, step brother actually. but weve known each other for so long i used to consider us very close.

now, for context. my mom was always fucked up, and we all agree she should not have had kids. she isn not mentally well enough and never has been to have anything. think of a 15 year old nightmare in a 40 year old body. my grandma wont stop telling me how much she regrets not taking her to therapy, but i really dont blame anyone of how my mom is but herself. too stubborn enough to refuse her medications, but too pathetic to not rant on facebook about how her two boyfriends refused to take her out to dinner because they have their own lives.

total shitshow. weve got cps called on us many times from her screaming at me and my sister. (they could hear her two streets away) and luckily my grandma works with the police, so she never got in trouble. part of me wishes she did, but also doesnt. weird, i have so much sympathy for her but i dont.

i feel too bad to fully hate her, but i feel bad saying i do.

shes very mentally not okay, so i dont blame a lot on her. except her refusing therapy for some odd reason. whatever, its not my problem.

i cant tell you how many times as a young child i had to stop her from harming herself, seeing drugs around her, or how when she gets sad and mad she screams at us tellingnus its all our fault and how shes (in detail) going to kill herself, and how many fucking times ive had to comfort her as a child about her boyfriend leaving her because shes totally fucked. its helped me gain a sense of how to help people i guess, but no one needs to see that.

but anyways, totally fucked up. whatever, now. shes always had these millions of boyfriends, ive actually seen her single. huh.

i dont actually have a dad, and i really dont know if i have any issues resulting from that? but i dont think so. but yes, i cant tell you as a child how many random men ive called dad, and then once i do they leave my mom. but i only have my mom to blame for that one. one of them is my sisters dad.

i have two biological sisters, and they all have seperate dads.

the middle child, (im the youngest) ill call her AD. ads dad used to be in the military, and sold drugs in the military. now stay with me okay?

his mom is still a huge drug addict, and lost her husband due to it. one day while my mom and her boyfriend were gone, and AD’s dad was in the military, my mom had his mom watch me. i was maybe 1. once my mom and her boyfriend left town they had to get called back instantly because the pokice and emergecy vehicles were there to take the drugs out of their system, and they were doing it while i was sound asleep on their bed. her husband died while they both did the drugs from an overdose. they never went to jail for whatever reason, never really asked since its a sensitive subject i assume. but, ive been around drugs for a long while. and dont worry, i hate drugs with ever fiber in me.

now, my youngest sister, all call her SO. SO’s dad was awful. when i was in 5th grade i met her dad named Adam. he was your classic white trash. lived in a fucked up house, satanist, trashed house, you name it.

we lived in his house for a few months. beer cans everywhere, but he had two kids (this is before SO was born). a boy and a girl. ZAND was the brother and ZANDR was the sister. (nicknames). and they were my best friends. ZAND was the brother i spoke of when i first started this post.

we all grew up together, and when my mom heard she was pregnant with SO we moved into a house out in some orange groves. id love to find a picture of it, but its been condemned for black mold growing in it. but it was a very sketchy house. imagine a small house with fencing around with, (with barbed wire,) with trees surrounding it. a light blue i think? with three bedrooms, a basement and a tampoline in the back.

SOs dad was a peice of shit. he frequently raped my mother in their room at night. and she later on told me about a year ago that since she was a heavy christian lady, he threatened her with pretending to be satan and yelling demonic chanting at her in her ear. she was extremely terrified.

he would scream at us, and ill be honest when i say i really dont remember much of that house other than what ill tell you, and that we lived on a well. and when that well ran out no one came to our house to refill it. so we had to go to adams moms house to take a shower once a week since he wouldnt really let us leave the house unless absoloutely needed. and take a huge note, i got bullied before constantly. would come home with black eyes because i was a weak small kid who was a nerd, so i was an easy target. i didnt grow up with many friends, but only showering once a week? oh man. when i told you i got avoided and bullied constantly, i wouldnt lie to you. it was fucking awful.

i remember being laughed at constantly for whatever they find the need to laugh at me for. moved schools 3 months in because it got so bad.

now, this is when the sexual abuse took a play in. my brother, when i was 6-8? i dont exactly rember the age i was, but i know he was definitely a teenager. locked me in a closet pretending to play hide and seek with me.

he tormented me in that fucking closet.

it was pitch black, and hebhad previously told me someone hung themselves in it, i was terrified. he would slam and laugh at the door. sending me into a frantic shock, and i was in full fight or flight. then he shoved me in; and locked himself in there with me, and started rubbing his own dick against my back. i felt it. i, felt, it. i eventually got my mom called in the room, and she took us out. and gotbus in trouble.

there were other times where he also used me and took advantage of my niceness and naiveness to get sexual gratification. when he was playing minecraft and id ask to play? “show me yer bewbs lawl” and it would be constant so i never could play with him. and it was things like that.

funny story actually, he went into a huge court case four-three years ago for touching a child. he got off on probation, but it never sat right with me.

his sister ZANDR told me he had a few more cases just like that, that no one told me about. it was fucking insanity. that house is insanity, and that was just many crazy stories id rather forget.

im extremely tired, and ill update this sometime tommorrow. thank you for reading this far, it means a lot :).

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batjokezlovineverything · 2 years

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headcanon + small fic/intervention for if daughter!reader of cory matthews attempted su!c!de (suicide) and how each person in her life would react

Cory had thought that he helped his daughter. Now, he was recieving a call that she had attempted suicide by taking dozens of pills and slicing her arm with a butcher knife. He felt like his world was being destroyed.

CHARACTER REACTIONS TO DAUGTHER!READER SUICIDE ATTEMPT:

TOPANGA LAWRENCE-MATTHEWS: - Would be sobbing on her way to the hospital because her babygirl tried to take her life - Would be angry at herself because she didn't notice the "warning signs" - Would coddle the reader with hugs, chocolates, and other little things to make her daughter smile - Would be with her every step of the way of recovery CORY MATTHEWS: - Would blame himself, he'd possibly have his own breakdown. Not a severe one but he would yell at himself. - Silently cry when he's alone because he doesn't know what prompted his daughter to attempt suicide - He'd call and ask his parents and feeny for advice because they've always been there for him - Would hug his daughter as much as possible because he wanted to show his love and affection, more than he ever did, because a little part of him blames himself for the attempt

ERIC MATTHEWS: - One of the first times you see him become emotional and serious - He brings the reader some flowers and some of her favorite snacks - He has the urge to baby you like he did when you were younger - He's similiar to Cory and doesn't entirely know how to handle situations like this but he does express his love and care for the reader

SHAWN HUNTER: - It's one of the first times he's been in a hospital since your birth. He hates being at hospitals because of the reminder of his dad's death but you're his goddaughter - He shows you some of the best photos he's taken - He even tells you some embarassing photos of Cory (your dad) - You both have a heart-to-heart talk. It's the first time you've seen him tear up

When you get back from the hospital, everyone stages an intervention. Your parents, your uncle Eric, your godfather Shawn (Uncle Shawn), some of your friends, and even Mr. Feeny.

"What's this?" You say to everyone, your arms are bandaged still. It was a long two weeks in the hospital. You kind of felt better. "Dad, Mom, what's going on?

"We're holding an intervention." Eric is the first to call out. Cory sighs at the tone of Eric's voice but looks at you. "Interventions are for drug addicts and substance abusers, I'm not any of that. I'm fine." You say, trying to walk back to your room, but your dad grabs your hand. He tells you to sit in the recliner that's to the left of the sofa. You do as he says. "We're holding an intervention because we care about you. I know this is still a raw subject but you tried to kill yourself, Y/N." Topanga says softly, concern coming through. You look to the ground, biting your lip nervously. "We don't want you to die. We love you! You're our babygirl, Y/N... You deserve to live."

"You don't understand, no one understands. You all try to blame it on yourselves. It's my life, my problems!" You yell, tears beginning to roll down your cheek. "Do you know how hard it is being me? I'm weird. I feel like an outcast compared to all the others. I'm confused about every single thing in life. There's no just fixing that with a band-aid, just like with my cutting and attempt. I'm not just going to magically get better."

"What can we do to help you? We're here for you, honey. That's all that we want you to know. We care about you so much." Cory expresses out, looking at you deeply, placing his forearm on the sofa's arm.

"I just want everyone to stop making a big deal out of this. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I just don't. I know I'm distant but I don't want you all involved in my problems." You admit, you can feel the touch of their eyes burn into your soul.

"Y/N, you're not a burden on any of us. You can always come to one of us!" Eric shouts. It takes you by surprise to see your Uncle being so serious and understanding.

You sit there for a second, trying to find the words to say. You want to cry openly but don't want to seem too vulnerable. Except, that's all you wanted to do. You just let the tears run freely. As soon as you begin crying, your dad stands up and goes to you, hugging you. Your mom raises up and rubs your back.

#gmw #gmw imagine #gmw fanfic #cory matthews #cory matthews x daughter!reader #boy meets world #bmw imagine #imagines #girl meets world imagine

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huntingpeople-savingsam · 2 years

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Euphoria 2x05: Rue

**Trigger Warnings: Drug Addiction, Overdose, Death**

One thing about this show, they really do show all of the horrible ins and outs of addiction. I’ve had family and friends who have lived with and died battling addiction, and this show for better or worse has the realities of that painted horribly well

That whole opening scene with Rue, Gia, and Leslie was another horribly accurate look at how addiction makes you hurt so badly you’d do anything to make it stop

Jules wasn’t wrong for telling Rue’s mom, that’s actually the best thing she could’ve done quite honestly but I stand by her and Rue breaking up because even though most of what Rue said to her was fueled by the withdrawals and her anger about being found out, she is allowed to be angry that Jules left when she needed her, even if that’s what was best for Jules at the time

Elliot can fuck off

Side bar from the painful realism of this episode but when Cassie is trying to be helpful and chipper like “just take it one day at a time!! :)” and Rue is like you should’ve kept quiet because now I’m dragging this allllll out to distract from herself

I’m not gonna go through every part of the episode but I will just say because I’ve been seeing a lot of people who’ve been hating on Rue for how she’s been treating people like Ali and Gia and her mom and her friends, this is what addiction does to you. She’s not being spiteful or malicious for the sake of being unkind to people who cares about her, she is so desperate to get what she needs and to do that she needs to push everyone away before they can stop her. She’s sick and in pain and while her addiction is not the fault of anyone else, she’s not in a place where she can focus on anything or anyone else other than stopping the pain. And it sucks to see people, especially younger people or people who haven’t seen addiction firsthand, just blaming her and trashing her like she’s going out of her way to destroy everyone around her. She needs help and she will keep pushing that help away for as long as she can because it’s so much easier to take any narcotic and stop the pain than it is to quit.

#sorry for this heavy post yall #trigger warning drug addiction #tw drug addiction #tw overdose #euphoria 2x05

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kaypeace21 · 4 years

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The ‘parentification’ of Jonathan Byers (psych analysis)

“Parentification is defined as the phenomenon where children take caregiving responsibilities (acting as a parent) for their parents, siblings or other family members, at the expense of their own developmental needs.”

When can parentification occur?

1) After a “Divorce”

“If there is more than one child in the family, usually the eldest, is “chosen” to be parentified .When a father-figure is missing, it may be the eldest son who is forced to take on his father's responsibilities.”

2) When there’s a “parent with a mental illness “

3)“Parental alcoholism or drug addiction.” (lonnie’s place covered in beer cans could allude to this).

4) “siblings with a mental illness’

5) “Death of a sibling or parent” ( This point is kind of cheating - but the fact Jon as a 15 y old had to plan a funeral, for his little brother instead of either one of his parents just illustrates how he always was forced to do adult duties much too young.)

6) “mothers of low socio-economic status, are frequently associated with parentification of their children. “

“given the fact that there are many single parent families, it falls upon children from some of these homes to carry adult responsibilities while their parent is out working. Often, in these situations, the parent is asking or expecting the child to take on adult responsibilities in their absence. They become the parent of the household in the interim between coming home from school and when the parent returns to the household.”

***TO MAKE THINGS VERY CLEAR: we are NOT hating on Joyce, here! “The harm of parentification is usually done not out of malicious intent. However, when a child who is supposed to go through their natural cycles of development and self- evolution, is forced to grow up too quickly, there is a cost.” But, Joyce did what she had to do being a poor single mother - she had to work! Even when Lonnie was around- he had debts. And Joyce apologized to Jon for not being around when they were growing up (working since he was 5)- and she even mentioned working Hollidays . But at the end of s1, we see her celebrating Christmas eve with them (showing she’s trying to have a better work life balance for her kids and prioritize them more). I think Will’s disappearance gave Joyce a wake-up call of sorts about what she values most-her kids.She loves her kids more than anything- and would never intentionally do any harm. She has to work for all of them to survive and stay together. But it did force Jon to be parent to Will in her absence (especially cause Lonnie even when around wasn’t much help).

And in s3 it’s hinted Joyce plans to be there for her kids on Thanksgiving and Christmas- so she is trying to rectify past behaviors. Ok with that out of the way, now we can continue...

Types of Parentification

“Parentification can either be emotional or instrumental, or both.”

“EMOTIONAL PARENTIFICATION : is when the child becomes a source of constant emotional support to their parent or sibling.Emotional parentification often involves a child or adolescent taking on the role and responsibilities of confidant, secret keeper, or emotional healer for family members.”

“ Parentification can also be the the process of role reversal where a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent. Examples being: Listening to a parent talk about their problems.Serving as a confidante for their parent or providing emotional comfort and support to a parent.”

“In cases of INSTRUMENTAL PARENTIFICATION: children take on practical responsibilities such as:Taking care of siblings or other relatives because a parent is unable to. Assuming housekeeping duties, such as cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping. And Paying bills and attending to other household tasks .”

“ It’s good for kids to have responsibilities such as chores around the house or babysitting for a younger sibling. Responsibilities should increase when a child becomes a teenager to prepare them for being on their own eventually. However, when a young child is responsible for , paying the electricity bill, or raising a younger sibling, that is when problems arise.”

“Imagine a child who is bombarded every day with the responsibilities to tuck in sisters or brothers, or read them bedtime stories; organize drinks or food, wash up dishes, pay bills, or a myriad of housework. When burdened with that many responsibilities, self-care tends to go out the window. If the child continues to attend school, they may be withdrawn, unkempt, and visibly exhausted.”

“The effects are worsened and more destructive for the development of the child, the more the care-giving efforts of the child become a normalized expectation.“

We see this in Joyce berating Jon for not parenting Will, properly (although her being upset was somewhat reasonable). But ,we also see this in how Joyce says Jonathan has “always been good at taking care of himself.” Assuming Jon is ok, when he’s actually not. While Lonnie simply insults Will saying “he was never good at taking care of himself.” The difference being Joyce criticizes Jon for not relying on her more. While Lonnie critiques Will for simply acting like a child and not being self-reliant, like Jonathan. Pretty heavily hinting, Lonnie even when around did very little parenting and expected the kids to take care of themselves. And since Will didn’t ‘take care of himself’ - it probably put the load on Jonathan to parent Will (when Joyce wasn’t around, even when Lonnie was physically there).

Consequences of Parentification

“ It is expected that complicated relationship patterns will develop between siblings. The parentified sibling can often develop a symbiotic, codependent relationship with their siblings.”

“These people are very likely to find themselves in similar relational patterns in adulthood. They believe they must serve, help and rescue everyone in need. As adults, they may find that they have a confused sense of self-identity beyond the helper role. The only way they learned to relate, was through being of service and providing caregiving- so it is extremely possible that they have to be the primary caregivers for their own romantic partners . Since they never learned anything different. “

“ The ‘helper role’ might have dominated their entire being. Their sense of self did not get fully developed before they were needed to care for others, so as a result, they don’t know who they are except when they are doing things for others. “

“Parentified children can become very angry people. Sometimes this adult child may not know why they are angry . They can have explosive anger or passive anger, especially when someone triggers their parental wounds of emotional exploitation.”

“Parentified children inevitably develop a distorted image of what love is supposed to be like, thereby growing up to be quite distrustful of interpersonal relationships overall.Complicated attachment patterns emerge as a result. An avoidant attachment style is not unlikely. In the absence of a nurturing provider of safety and care, the parentified child may have learned to utterly depend on themselves alone- thereby avoiding close bonds and intimacy in adult life.intimacy is both craved for and avoided, both a longing and a great threat. Underneath this facade, they are quite lonely.”

This is similar to Jonathan not having friends, ‘not liking most people’, having ‘trust issues’ caused by Lonnie (that caused distrust of Bob, a father-figure) and simply being afraid to talk to people in general. Or joyce calling out Jonathan saying “you act like you’re all alone in this world. But your not.”

‘They also tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong, and constantly try to fix things that cannot be fixed.’

“The child may appear highly capable to tend for themselves and others, very mature for their age, resilient and even wise beyond their years- but they lack the safe haven of a secure attachment figure that is vital for the development of emotional regulation.”

A parentified teenager or younger child may exhibit the following symptoms:

-”Anxiety”

Like... this hurt my soul! His face dropped the second Nancy left the room.He probably has anxiety but looks up to Joyce for trying to still be a good mom and keep it together. Why he said “WE’LL be okay” cause his mom is “tough”. He tries to lead by her example. But unlike Joyce, Jon probably always had to keep it together- even if struggling with similar anxiety issues as Joyce. Because he knew they both couldn’t act that way and “shut down” (for Will’s sake). He always had to put on a fake ‘grown-up’ front and keep the family together and help support Joyce and Will emotionally and finacially . And someone (unintentionally) saying the reason he’s like his mom is not because of her positive traits but because of her mental illness- must have HURT! Especially cause he’s probably already struggling with anxiety- and maybe even fears acknowledging it. Because he’s supposed to have it ‘all together.’ “The identity of parentified children actually depends on their ability to suppress their needs. Since it is likely that their family already had too many problems to cope with, and so they learned to be quiet, voiceless and without demands. In order to be a ‘proper helper’ .“

And it probably doesn’t help he’s afraid it could escalate into something worse. Because in s1 they mentioned Joyce’s aunt having hallucinations. And jonathan even says to hopper “she used to have anxiety problems. I’m worried it could be ... I don’t know.” So yeah , Nancy saying him and Joyce have the same anxiety problems probably terrified him.

-”Depression”

-”Inability to trust others (we covered that) and or social isolation.”

-”Compulsively overworking in order to fulfill responsibilities at school and at home.”

-”Feelings of guilt and shame.”

“Fortunately, there are many healing processes and routes to wholeness and recovery for a young adult or adult who has been parentified as a child.Acknowledgment of your past is the first step to healing and recovery (via therapy or other means). You have to accept the truth of your story. Because, if you continue to live in denial, your mental energy will be spent in suppressing the pain that was there, rather than healing what needs to be healed. Being highly self-reliant was your only option in your household , but it may be a strategy that no longer works for you. It keeps you in isolation and unable to connect with others. Therefore, challenging yourself to connect with others authentically would also be considered one of the most potent ways to heal. The thoughts, feelings, impressions, and emotions buried within are waiting to be heard, once and for all. “

Alright, thanks for listening I hope you enjoyed. I really wanted to do a psych analysis strictly based on what the show presents. Rather than inclusion of the s4 movies. I did mention how those movies did allude to Jonathan’s parentification, here (if interested though). I also didn’t go into the hints in the narrative of Lonnie possibly being s****lly abusive to Jonathan cause it’s a bit more speculative ( I did talk about it in my DID psych analyses pt 1 & pt 2 though). Only mentioning it here, at the end, since one of the causes of parentification is also a parent s****lly ab*sing their kids (quite literally stripping their kids of their entire childhood in every way imaginable- and frankly the worst way possible). Regardless,I think most people neglect Jonathan as a character- and the s4 movies hint we’ll finally get more focus on him in the upcoming seasons. So I wanted to dedicate a post to some of Jonathan’s issues that may get more attention in later seasons.

#jonathan byers #will byers #joyce byers #stranger things

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mikeshanlon · 3 years

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i really enjoy the way young royals explores the theme of legacy and how detrimental it can be to have to live up to a legacy or be obsessed with reputation. (analysis and thoughts under the cut)

i think wilhelm resents the fact that he has to live up to the role of being in the royal family and yet is very afraid of ruining that legacy bc of all the pressure. before he was sent off to hillerska he went to a normal school and wanted normal people around him and was content with erik having to take on the responsibilities of crown prince. and when he does have to assume that role he says he can never be erik, that he’s always had to be compared to him and obviously doesn’t like that. but even before erik passed and he had to take on those duties he was afraid of fucking up the legacy of the crown, when he sees that sign in the hallway that says you are in charge of your own legacy after he holds hands with simon, his anxiety worsens. you can tell it’s been instilled in him for a long time that what is most important is the crown’s reputation rather than his own wants. in the scene where him and simon fight about alexander being caught, he obviously wants simon to stay, but he focuses on how him doing drugs will fuck up his family’s reputation if it gets leaked. as much as he cares for simon, his legacy and his duties are like this oppressive cloud hanging over him.

i do think that wille cares for his family of course but to me it’s different that the sort of loyal unconditional care with simon and his sister/mom. erik and wille had unconditional love, erik understood how difficult being a prince in the public eye was, and wille obviously cared for him deeply and felt like he could to talk to him about issues. his relationship with the queen is much more strained, she wants a tailored, doctored representation of him in the media, he cannot be anxious and bite his nails, she makes all the decisions for him. family is important to wille partially because it has to be bc of how special his family is. he helps his family, he helps august pay his tuition, and then makes a point of disowning august after his betrayal as his new “brother”. but again, because of the royal status and expectations upon the family, that supersedes and colors all of their relationships with each other. it seems to be more a sense of “duty” than unconditional love. especially after erik’s death, wille always has to consider how the crown’s image will be impacted, even though he never wanted to have this responsibility, or even the responsibility of being the “regular” prince under erik. being a family unit that is under constant public scrutiny is going to strain relationships. the queen knows that the anxiety of fucking up his legacy will get to him, and she uses that to get wilhelm to back out of admitting it was him in the video and coming out. wilhelm has to choose between his own happiness and their reputation, is forced to think that denying it’s him in the video is the only way. he loves simon and wanted to live freely, but that pressure of legacy won out.

i don’t know if i think wille necessarily values the crown over his own personal happiness and relationships, like in the way maybe the queen does--i don’t think it comes from a place of “i’m lucky to be prince and owe my duty to the crown, so i do what i have to do to stay that way” (like how the queen said the crown is a privilege not a punishment), but from fear of destroying the legacy and his family. afterall, he still wanted to pursue a secret relationship with simon, i think if he fully valued the crown and uplifting legacy and fulfilling his duties he wouldn’t have tried that. he wouldn’t have made a point to tell simon he loves him. hopefully we get another season because i think with the iconic ending revolution rendition and him looking in the camera, which also parallels the shot of him being forced to apologize/go to hillerska, he is realizing that focusing on legacy is taking away what’s important to him, and he’s going to shake shit up.

august is definitely the most obsessed with legacy, wanting to carry on his father’s business, being persistent on befriending wilhelm and trying to social climb, wanting power and perfection with being prefect, rowing captain etcetera. he is so obsessed with perfection and reputation he gets addicted to drugs, he fucks with simon and makes him get stuff for parties he can’t afford because good parties will make him look better, he manipulates sara multiple times, he mostly wanted felice because of her nobility, he fucking films wilhelm and simon and OUTS him, his own cousin. he hates that wille has everything he wants but isn’t as interested in preserving and more importantly improving the legacy he’s inheriting. meanwhile august’s familial legacy is dwindling, and he holds on to the last bit of assets and names that he can.... v much sick and a weirdo that shows how harmful being obsessed with legacy is

the queen is of course v focused on legacy and it really breaks my heart and makes me angry that she doesn’t care about wilhelm’s happiness more than their reputation, and moreso doesn’t get august in trouble for literally leaking child p*rn of her kid for the sake of appearances?!?!?! like how is he even remotely trustworthy she is wrong for that! like i said earlier the obsession with legacy puts a strain on their mother/son relationship. she doesn’t even really say anything about wille’s sexuality or his relationship, and barely comforts him, mostly goes in with a plan she’s already concocted without him to fix everything.

erik seemed to understand and accept his role as crown prince but obviously had issues with it as well, like when he makes the plan for him and wilhelm to run from the press, or when he tells wilhelm to enjoy himself while there aren’t so many eyes on him that care. erik shows someone who has more unconditional love and empathy but still has to focus on legacy and is much more inclined to continue his legacy, but we do see those glimpses over how even the most “ideal” attitude of preserving legacy causes issues.

felice is expected to live up to her mother’s legacy, of being an equestrian, of being the lucia, but she doesn’t want either of those things. her mother wants her to be thinner and straighten her hair, and find someone of nobility to be with. obviously she does find wilhelm attractive lol but i think the main reason she pursued him and definitely why she pursued august was because she was expected to social climb and have royal kids. felice feels the need to portray a false narrative of herself on social media to uphold a certain image of herself. it’s very fucked up that her mom wants those values instilled in her but i love that felice was putting up boundaries and pushing back against her mother and the narrative she’s supposed to live up to. her giving sara the role of lucia and focusing on supporting her friends more in the latter half of the season shows growth and i’m excited to see where her story goes.

sara is interesting because she seems to want to reject the legacy of her family and being working class and to fit in with the elite of hillerska. sara hates micke, hates that simon contacted him because it’s bringing in this “shameful” and painful part of their past (which i mean is def fair). other than sara’s betrayal in 1.06, i think the scene where she tells her family that she wants to reside at hillerska really exemplifies where she’s at in her relation to legacy/class. after dining at hillerska and living amongst the elite she gets annoyed at eating around the TV, she blames her mother for not leaving micke sooner, she gets angry with simon for caring for her. she wants to lead her own life, be popular and wanted because people want her, not for pity (even though i think simon of course truly cares abt his sister she feels annoyed with his protection and care). felice says early on that she thinks sara doesn’t care what other’s think or having friends, and sara says she still wants friends though. i think sara’s biggest thing is she wants to belong, her and simon moved schools after she was bullied for being autistic so i think that definitely affected her even though she tries to act nonchalant about hillerska at first. we see sara’s longing to fit in in smaller ways at first, like her asking her mom for a better piece of her uniform because hers are “cheap” and already worn out. she gets annoyed at simon for chewing loudly, or her mother sitting casually at the table. as she gets closer to felice and madison and all the other students, the allure of the upper class and their lifestyle draws her in more. so much to the point where she gets very anxious and upset at the idea of her and simon leaving hillerska because he’s having his own crisis and doesn’t consider his pov. so much so that she effectively betrays simon and felice, the people she’s closest to, to make a deal (and make out lol) with august to room there and “be just like him”. personally i think sara’s attraction to august is mostly that allure of the elite and that he seemed to “desire” her when he kissed her because he was being a manipulative dickhead--again that want to fit in and be wanted. and i think there is a really interesting angle of jealousy and competition in female friendships, even if it is really subtle or not intentionally insidious or anything, sara does slowly start to trying to assume all the roles/fashions/mannerisms of felice to live that life she wants. i do think felice and sara’s care for each other is genuine and one of my fave parts of the show, but i think a lot of people who experienced being a teen girl know how we are always pitted against each other even in our subconscious because of how society treats and values women.

simon seems to be the character that is least interested in upholding legacy and tradition or giving a fuck what anyone thinks (as omar said here lmao) and that makes him a really interesting foil to wilhelm. there could be something said about micke fearing that simon is following in his footsteps, but to me that plot more so reveals how the upper class (august) continually exploit the working class for their benefit, and the trappings of generational oppression. the other thing that can be said is simon signing up for private tutoring and rowing, but again i think that serves to further show that he is forced to “play” by the game of the elites because the school/society is corrupt, and also, that simon has further ambitions outside of where he’s at. he wants to get good grades because he wants to explore new places and avenues. to me simon’s biggest motivations are his passions, the things and people he loves--music, his family, wilhelm. he isn’t loyal to others just because he’s expected to be, or uphold a certain image but because he really cares. he doesn’t watch out for sara because that’s his expected role as her brother to do so, but because he cares. he wasn’t interested in knowing wilhelm because he’s a prince like everyone else, he makes it clear he thinks the royal family are privileged and exploitative, but he is interested because he saw the real wilhelm. he’s out and proud even though his elite classmates are more conservative, he doesn’t care about voicing his unpopular opinions, he has no problem walking away from august’s dickhead behavior or calling him out on his shit. simon doesn’t care if people don’t think of him in the best light. (the only exceptions ig are the drugs conflict and the video, though literally anyone would have a problem with that because it’s much deeper that public opinion and has ramifications and is deeply traumatic--but just adding that before someone is like “well actually!”) i also think it’s interesting that most of the songs simon sings has themes of pushing back against the societal norms, and being remembered in history, plus of course the revolution song motif, and how much those songs affect wilhelm, he seems to connect deeply, like he wishes he could do those things but simon is the one who gets to sing them and actually live them.

#young royals #the way this is 2k words lmfao #i do not expect ppl read to this but when the analytical worm starts gnawing on my rottin brain i must oblige

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blueprint-han · 3 years

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ex.

↪ so many what if’s. who would give you those answers?

— where in you stumble into your ex at a friend’s wedding, and the subsequent conversation leads to new hope blooming in your relationship.

pairing: chan x reader

genre: ex au; angst with a fluffy ending.

⇥ warnings: themes/mentions of break up/make up, mentions of alcohol, please let me know if I miss a warning. please note that i, by no means condone any toxic relationships. this fic here with bang chan and Y/N is NOT an example of a toxic relationship or an implication of bang chan’s actions in real life. please take it as fiction.

word count: 3.3 K

type: one shot.

⇥ disclaimer: this fiction does not represent the activities of the real Bang Chan, nor is associated with JYPE in any form. Events are pure fiction. ♡

↯ note: I decided to merge your request with the prompt because it’s angst and guess who’s the queen of angst? You !! 😌 This was picked up from ex, as you can see and again your url ~vibes~ so uwu hope you enjoy it, this is my first time writing angst tho so please go easy on me. <3 Love you mom <333 ⇥ dawn.☀️

The dance hall’s fairly crowded when you take another shot of your martini, drowning in its essence as you make a desperate attempt to disconnect yourself from your vicinity. You wanna believe you’re drunk, though it’s not true in the slightest — you can still feel, hear, see everything around you clearly — the alcohol’s clearly not having its effect today. You wish, oh so dearly wish it did, because the man standing about two tables away from you really doesn’t deserve the attention you’re giving him right now.

The last thing you’d expected when you entered the hall to attend your friend’s wedding was to stumble right into the one man you’d been trying to avoid for the past two months. At that very moment, you cursed all the odds for making you face the man of your nightmares, the one who broke your heart.

Bang Chan.

Sure enough, just like when he’d dropped the news on you, all the butterflies in your stomach drop dead one by one, gloom and desolation taking over. The mere sight of him is enough to send you into a frenzy of confusion — you feel the flutter in your heart to know that he’s doing okay, but you can also feel that pit of sadness, anger and heartbreak mixed to wash over as one of the most conflicting feelings ever.

“O-oh, hi there, Y/N.” Chan had waved a hand and bowed down, but you shakily nodded your head, not bothering to give him any words of acknowledgement as you stumbled into the hall. How is it that you didn’t notice him until half the wedding was over? How could you forget that he was supposed to attend, because he was the bride’s friend alike?

Was it wrong that part of you still wished that you could be standing next to him, watching him as he introduced you to his friends, calling you “his girlfriend”?

You wondered what the look on Chan’s face would’ve been when you left his greeting hanging in the cold air like that. Was he broken on the inside too? Or did he simply not care? He’d been the one to end it, after all. He looks smart right now — adorning a luxurious black suit, his brownish hair slicked neatly to the side and parted. The delicate silver chain you’d given him on his birthday is oddly still on his neck — you promise yourself to not think about it much, because you know it’ll give you hope — and hope’s a dangerous feeling, at least for you.

When the music starts blaring through the speakers and the couple start dancing together, you sigh, straightening your posture from where you’re leaning against the shot table. Your friend has the prettiest smile plastered onto her face — it comes naturally to her, you figure, seeming as to how she’s married to the love of her life right now. They both seem lost — almost peaceful — as they stare into each other’s eyes. Soon, more and more couples join, until the whole hall is filled with everyone dancing on their heels, twirling and smiling and dancing gracefully. Everyone except you, of course.

You sigh, fixing the hem of your swan-white dress. Way to go for your mood to be ruined — all because you happened to stumble upon your ex boyfriend, and thoughts consumed you as a whole. Was it so wrong of you to wish that you could go back in time and change his decision? You’d moved on from this — you’d told yourself you’d moved on a month ago. You wiped him out of your memory — all the things that reminded you of him — but what if you’d only patched up the wound, not healed it in the slightest? What if the person who held the key to repair your broken heart was held by a person who you’d let go, and by all means, couldn’t reach out now?

So many what if’s. Who would give you those answers? He surely hadn’t, when all he did was just break it out to you over a meeting at the park that he’d fallen out of love with you.

You never understood what happened. It just started with the less frequent messages and meet ups, the excuse of always being busy, and that slowly morphed into him ignoring you for days, until one day he broke the news and ended it, on good terms. Or at least you thought so.

You sigh again, asking the bartender to lend you one bottle of the drink — which he does without question — before you walk over to the staircase that seems to lead to the terrace. Away from the risk of your eyes landing on him and your thoughts going all over the place again. If only you could walk away from the pit of emotions in your heart the same way. If only.

When you kick the almost rusted door open, the fresh blast of cold air that hits you makes you sigh in relief. You tuck several strands of hair neatly behind your ear, walking to the edge as you glance at the view. Leaning against the concrete, you let the lights coming from the night cityscape blur your vision, along with the faint, distant echoing of horns coming from the roads fill your ears. It’s a distraction, after all.

You pop open the cork of the bottle, letting the fizz bubble down before pressing your lips against the rim. One gulp, two, you then gaze up at the night sky. Rinse and repeat, until the whole bottle is almost finished. You ignore the void in your heart, filling it with the essence of alcohol and ignoring the feelings bubbling in it right now.

Chan was like a drug — so addicting and so hard to get rid of once you got into the habit of consuming it regularly. You wanted to reach out and hold onto those memories you shared with him — he was the first person where you let your heart do the talking, and all it took was a look at another person to change lanes, leave you alone in the dust of your crushed heart — only to come to the disappointing note that you’d lost those memories forever. They existed merely in a place you couldn’t reach, couldn’t see, but could only recall. It was pure torture to you, but you’d ignored it all for so long, certainly you could ignore it again.

“Need a refill?”

Your head snaps back in the direction of the voice. A familiar, one soothing voice that now brings pain to your heart, now threatens to bring back the wave of emotions you’d kept at bay.

Your eyes meet the hazel brown orbs, and not diverting from their strong, fierce gaze; you scoff, turning back around to stare off into the distance.

Chan frowns, tilting his chin as he tries to soothe the burn from your two reactions. He doesn’t back away though, because now he maybe understands what you felt like when it all fell apart, when he wrote your ending with a shaky hand.

He walks front to where you’re leaning against the concrete, silently drinking out of the glass he holds in his hand.

Should I say something? He thinks. He should, right? When you ended it, you did end on peaceful terms, even though your reaction felt like you were more affected by it. Even after three months, he still feels the warmth that flowed through him whenever he looks at you — you who clearly don’t want to speak to him. He feels crazy now, for wanting to let you go.

You hadn’t even bothered to curse at him that day — just looked at him with eyes that honestly pierced through his soul, and hurt him more than any of your words could’ve. But maybe that was what he deserved, right?

“Why did you come here?” You ask, swirling the almost empty bottle in your hand. Oddly enough, you don’t feel like walking away, feet frozen in position. You’d ended it on good terms, didn’t you? You’d promised to each other you’d be good friends.

“I noticed you were alone.” The man feels himself say.

“Didn’t you bring your girlfriend along? Isn’t she alone right now?” You counter, taking another sip of your drink. Again, the alcohol is having no effect on you. Why did your tolerance have to be so high when you needed it to be low?

“I-” He takes a deep breath, tilting his head to either side to relieve the tension in his neck. “Broke up with her. About three weeks ago.”

You only chuckle. Somehow, your feelings are strong when he’s away, but when the cause is right in front of you, somehow they fail to make an appearance.

“Did you come here so you could win me back?” You ask, straightening up as you avoid Chan’s firm gaze on you, and his face goes gloomier and gloomier with every statement you spew at him. But then again, who could blame you for being angry? You had every right to.

“No.” He shook his head, fixing his position so his shoulders are about an inch away from yours. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m alright.” You say, softening at the edges at his concerned tone. You don’t know why you’re listening to him and not going back into the hall, but your legs are still frozen in place, something in you, your heart, doesn’t let you move.

Why do you feel like it’s your first time meeting him all over again?

He’s your ex, a part of your life you’re supposed to forget. Instead, you’re here, reminiscing it with the very person who left you in the first place. The situation you’re bound in is so weird — you almost don’t know what to do — but nonetheless, you just stand there, ignoring the slight flutter in your heart — just like the first time again.

“How are you doing?” You give yourself the liberty to ask him that question — just to know how he’s doing. Just another way for you to answer your countless what if’s, another method to try and fill the void in your heart.

Chan sighs, straightening up himself before looking at you. “I missed you.”

At the simple admission, you soften around the edges some more. It was wrong, so wrong that you were giving him to permission to get into your heart again — but what if you never wanted him to leave in the first place?

Hope — the dangerous feeling — starts resonating through your chest. It’s the tiniest emotion, one you can’t quite sense, but still feel. You can feel yourself grow warm, feel his gaze burn into the side of your face as he awaits a reaction.

“I-I don’t know what to say to that.” You reply, tucking some of your hair behind your ear again, before curling it with your index finger. You don’t look into his eyes yet — you’re not so brave to do so — focusing your bored, almost sad gaze as you count all the lights flashing at you on a skyscraper. Anything to distract you from this feeling.

Chan notices your stare, and sighs again. He’s battling himself too, right now. Should I say it? He thinks.

“I-I’ll be honest and confess to you, okay?” Chan turns to face you properly, while you bite your lip, waiting for his next words. Oddly enough, you feel more nervous now than you felt that day when Chan ended it with you. It’s so weird to feel it all over again.

“I’ve missed you and… I truly regret what I did that day.” He runs his hands through his chocolate brown hair, which seems to look particularly soft today. It reminds you of when you’d casually back hug him when he was working, pecking the back of his neck as you’d comb your fingers through his hair.

“Chan, no.” You feel your voice crack, the sadness overflowing out of its cup, spreading to all your senses as you close your eyes, letting out a single tear.

“Y/N…” Chan places his hand on your shoulder. You don’t flinch.

“Y-You l-left me.” You feel your brain cloud over, having no control over yourself as the words start spilling out of your mouth, piercing Chan’s heart bit by bit. “Y-You l-left me when I thought you’d stay… And you left me alone.” You feel his thumb rub against the bare skin of your shoulder, and this time, you stare up, looking straight into his eyes.

“I loved you,” You stammer, inhaling deeply as you take note of Chan’s expression. Surprisingly, he’s crying too. The rims of his eyes are filled with tears, his whole face goes red as he tries not to violently sob. “I love you.” You correct yourself.

“But you left me. You left me when I thought all I had was you and - and, what? Three months later, you tell me you miss me? Is this because your girlfriend broke up with you? You wanna win me back?” You spew, slamming your hand against his chest as you shake in his arms.

He wordlessly pulls you into his embrace, and you don’t complain — you don’t know if it’s because of your brain being cloudy and your eyes being all itchy from crying, or if it was because you missed his hugs, but you feel yourself clutch onto the material of your shirt as you cry, cry and cry until you feel like your tears don’t remain.

“I’m so sorry…” Is all he can say, wrapping his arms around your shoulders as he tries to comfort you.

“I hate you, Chan. I hate you so much.”

Something in him shatters when he hears your words. He wordlessly mouths “Alright.” and doesn’t bother controlling his tears anymore, letting them flow down his cheeks and settle into your hair, not bothering to hold back the sounds of brokenness he makes either.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.” He pulls away, holding your chin to force your gaze into his eyes. “I shouldn’t have done that to you, it was so wrong of me. I regret it now, so much.” He curls his lips inwards, and watching him cry is soul-crushing. You should be hating him for leaving you, screaming, crying, but you hate yourself for reaching up to rake through his hair, sliding your hand down to his soft cheek before gently swiping your thumb against it. Wiping off his tears.

“We’ve already forgiven each other, right? It’s okay.” You take deep breaths to calm yourself down. Leaving him behind seems hard enough, but seeing him cry in front of you seems impossible. Are you still in love with him?

“I’m still sorry.” He mutters softly, gazing into your eyes as he takes hold of the hand that rests on his cheek. “I was so horrible to not know that I had you beside me all along, and instead I turned my back at you and left you. It was so wrong of me.” he breaks into tears again, and this time, before you can pull him into a hug, he grabs both your hands in his own. Holding them in between each other.

Yep, you’re still in love with him.

You look at him, absorbing all his features, and suddenly you’re thrown back to the first time he ever asked you out. It seems all too familiar — all too real. You find yourself holding your breath once again, waiting for what he has to say. He rests his forehead against your grasped hands, sighing brokenly as he speaks up.

“I won’t ask you to accept me again, Y/N.” He says as a matter of fact. He understands that the things that happened may not allow you to let him into your heart again. “I won’t ask you to date me either, because I know what I did isn’t that simple to forgive.”

Chan feels so stupid now. You were there for him all the time, yet he left you for someone else. You were beside him to help him when he felt desolated, but somehow he became a cause for your desolation. It shocks, confuses him and makes him seethe in turmoil.

“But,” he begins, holding his breath. “I still want to try. I wanna try being the person I couldn’t be when I was with you. I-I wanna change and win you back, b-but…”

“But?” You ask mindlessly, totally overwhelmed and dazed out by his honest words, the newfound emotion thrums to your chest. It’s love, for sure. But it isn’t that special kind of love, at least not yet.

“But I wanna do that only if you let me. It’s your choice, Y/N.”

Your eyes widen as you try to grasp his words, noticing how his warm hands holding onto yours still, only grow warmer and tighter.

“I r-really love you Y/N, a lot. And… well, I know you may not be able to make this decision soon. But please, just give it a thought?”

You shake your head, a soft smile tugging at your lips as you look up into his eyes again. They’re red and puffy by now, but they’re still gorgeous, they still remind you of the time you’d gently kiss over his eyelids whenever he cried like that.

You roll your eyes to the back of your head in deep thought, before tucking your bottom lip under your teeth and nodding. “Okay.”

“Okay…?” He asks, hopeful. You can almost feel his nervousness in the way his palms sweat, but you simply smile.

“We won’t date yet.” You said. “But I’ll allow you into my heart one last time. Don’t break it.”

And at your acceptance, Chan beams, feeling more tears roll down his eyes as he pulls you into a hug. This time, you don’t spare any restraint, wrapping your arms around your waist as you press your cheek against his chest. “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” Chan keeps mumbling and repeating, to which you only shush him gently, telling him it’s okay and he doesn’t have to thank him.

He still does. You only smile to yourself, and for the first time in three months, you feel somewhat at peace. There’s a long way to go — you have to adapt to this relationship, let your heart join back bit by bit and build each other’s confidence again. But you’re certain you can do it together. This story deserved a happy ending, and you were going to give it one, no matter how hard you’d have to try.

“Hey guys!” You hear someone walk through the door, immediately parting away and clearing your throats.

“Yes?” The both of you say at the same time, tensing up and then laughing at each other. If Chan’s tears were crushing, Chan’s giggles were truly healing. The way his eyes would scrunch up into the cutest crescents and his dimples would make an appearance always made you want to peck his cheeks. Now wasn’t the time though.

“Dinner’s being served, so Y/F/N told you to come downstairs.” The person at the door says, immediately running downstairs, as if to not interrupt your moment any further.

“Alright.” You laugh, taking Chan’s hands in yours as you intertwine your nimble fingers with his long, slender ones. “Let’s go shall we?” You don’t bother picking up the alcohol bottles, because you’ll be coming back here with your friends later anyways — they can be tended to later.

“Of course,” Chan pulls you along with him, running to the door — both the ones that lead to the diner and the ones that signified your new start.

Curse at me all you want, as long as you let it all out, and we can go back to how we were.

*:･ﾟ✧ find the other fics here !

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