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saintsenara · 4 months

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Thoughts on remadora?

thank you very much for the asks, anons!

while they are by no means my otp, i really enjoy remadora as pairing - and i think they’re fully up there among the canon couples in terms of being an amazing vehicle through which to explore all sorts of questions about life and love - which i am aware is a sufficiently controversial statement that it involves an immediate engagement with some discourse…

because remadora girlies [gender neutral] get an enormous amount of shit within the fandom, particularly from fans who consider wolfstar to be a more plausible pairing for lupin than tonks. i have seen remadora shippers called homophobes for simply enjoying the couple, justified with the bizarre idea that it disrespects remus' relationship with sirius [so... the non-canon one?] to put them together. i have seen tonks turned into a pathetic shrew who is trying to keep remus from the real love of his life by trapping him with an unwanted baby. i have seen remadora shippers get a lot of the usual stuff that people who prefer the canon-endgame couples do [that to ship a canon pair is boring, that it is indicative of a lack of talent, that it indicates an uncritical support for jkr] magnified to eleven because tonks has the temerity to be a barrier to remus’ relationship with the fandom’s favourite hot and brooding man.

obviously, this is bullshit - primarily because its unreasonable and cruel to invest so much time and energy being mean to people because of their harry potter shipping preferences [fandom should never be that deep].

but it’s also a disappointment to me personally because it means that it can be very hard to find the sort of remadora i like without looking like i’m coming to contribute to the pile-on. because where many remadora fans and i don’t see eye-to-eye is that i have absolutely no interest in thinking about them as a relationship which is actually functional. and, all too often, i find myself sifting through fics which do prefer to interpret them like this - as romantic and passionate and stable - largely, i think it’s fair to say, as a defensive move against the tide of “urgh, imagine shipping that” nonsense - even though all the evidence of canon is that they are… very much not.

i am aware of the pottermore article which smoothes the edges of lupin’s canonical reaction to tonks’ feelings for him in half-blood prince - but, while i read this as something of a retcon to make the relationship more palatable, i also don’t think that assuming that both tonks and lupin’s attraction to each other was sincere precludes them being as dysfunctional as they canonically are. i don’t go in for the common anti-remadora argument that tonks “forces” him into a relationship with her - it’s clear in half-blood prince that it’s not only her who has discussed her feelings with molly and arthur weasley, lupin is definitely flirting with her when they pick harry up in order of the phoenix, lupin is an adult man [no matter other power imbalances between him and tonks - such as the fact that she is an agent of the state which oppresses him] who possesses the capacity to refuse her advances, and - since teddy’s conception is not immaculate - he has no issue with enjoying a sexual relationship with her even if he then wants to run away from the product of that.

instead, what i like with remadora is that they reveal something which goes against the grain of the rest of the series: that love is not always enough. throughout the seven-book canon, we see time and time again the idea that love - and, crucially, love-as-noble-suffering and love-as-sacrifice - is enough to overcome any problem. entire civil service collaborating with a terrorist regime? don’t trouble yourself, love has won. your mother dying in childbirth leaving you to be neglected in a state institution? your own fault you’re not interested in love.

i understand the genre reasons for this, but i also love the way in which lupin especially exists on the margins of these genre conventions [just as he exists on the margins of wizarding society!]. i’m always struck in deathly hallows that he’s the only person who’s actually realistic about the demands of war - particularly when he tells harry that it is breathtakingly naive for him to think he can get through the fighting without having to shoot to kill - and that part of him having to be shuffled out of the way when harry tells him to return to the pregnant tonks is because, were the story focused on realism, the idea that a wanted man who is considered an unhuman by the state fleeing in order to guarantee the safety of his wife and unborn child becomes eminently reasonable and harry's defense of the nuclear family embarrassingly unradical.

and so i like the idea of lupin seeing tonks - and tonks seeing lupin - initially as just a bit of fun, as the two of them being just two chill single people who think the other is hot and interesting and want to bang because of it.

[which is something fandoms in general really struggle with as a concept. we like epic love stories - and you won't find me objecting to that! - but we're less good at thinking about casual sexual attraction or transient friendships, and how these can be transformative and meaningful without having to end up going any sort of distance.]

and i then like the idea of the relationship being forced into a profundity it doesn’t really have the juice to sustain by the sheer avalanche of grief which besets the two of them - sirius, dumbledore, mad-eye, ted - and by the pressure of the war and the fact that the order is scrambling and the hangover of remus' self-destruction in half-blood prince which makes each cling to the other as a life-raft. i like remadora as something codependent and messy and strange and sad, and i don’t think this prevents it being sincere and fun and based in mutual attraction, but instead that these positive qualities can exist in conjunction with the fact that, without the war, it would have been a summer of fucking and that was probably it.

on tonks herself, i don’t think i can say it better than @evesaintyves in this meta on her character. i’ve been really uncomfortable with quite a lot of stuff i’ve seen recently which has taken against the idea that tonks can be meaningfully read as queer on the basis of what we find in the text, above all because it so often comes with the implication that one cannot imagine her in her canon endgame pairing and presume that she’s something other than straight or cisgender. eve sets out an excellent case for tonks as bolshy and liberated and in tune with herself and fun and confused and in flux and still figuring stuff out about who she is and where she’s going - and this translates, may i say, to an astonishingly beautiful way of writing her, lupin, and the dysfunction inherent between them which i highly recommend you read.

#asks answered #asenora's opinions on ships #remadora #remus lupin #nymphadora tonks

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poughkeepsies · 1 year

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We as a society have failed by not giving the dinner scene with Taylor the acknowledgment it deserves in the buddie moments hall of fame and I will now explain why. With 9-1-1, the golden rule is always to view the episodes' themes through the lens of the episode titles - almost every scene, call, and interaction can be traced to some interpretation of the episode title. With 511, it's clear that as the A plot of the episode, Eddie is the outsider looking in and this is also shown in the latter half of the dinner scene with him telling Buck to move on (now that I think about it, they're both outsiders in that scene. Eddie is alienating himself from the 118. Buck is being alienated from Eddie.) But in the first half of the dinner scene, with Taylor, Buck, Eddie, and Christopher around the table, Eddie is clearly not the outsider, Taylor is. What's more, being the outsider is her only role in that scene.

Food has always been a primary love language in 9-1-1, and, this scene being the first time we see Eddie cook a meal, it's clear that the choice to have Buck and Christopher eating it is just another way to highlight the family dynamics that exist between them, a family that is separate from the found family of the 118. Including Taylor in the scene could have been a way to symbolize her integration into the most intimate parts of Buck's life - Buck, Eddie, and Christopher are a package deal and Taylor being a part of that dynamic would narratively show her as on the same level as them (something to point out here - if this was any other show/ship, some would read this the other way around. Taylor is his girlfriend so it would be more significant to Eddie and Christopher's place in Buck's life to show them on the same level as Taylor. But this is 9-1-1 - the scene takes place in Eddie's house and leaves no room for doubt that Taylor is the one being allowed access.) But instead, the deliberate narrative choice was made to make Buck be the one to exclude her from the symbolism of the food. He tells her to eat before coming, presumably as a favor to her so she wouldn't go hungry, and because of this she's left awkwardly swirling her fork on her plate while everyone else digs in.

Which brings me to the main point of why I made this post and the most important most insane most brain-rotting part of this scene: Buck himself didn't eat before coming. He fully expected Eddie's food to taste like garbage and he still went in there and filled up his plate to the brim. He probably heard Eddie's excitement about finally learning how to cook and making an edible meal and steeled himself to shove every last spoonful down his gullet no matter the cost because Eddie wanted to make a meal for him. Because, and I cannot stress this enough, it's not about the food. It's about the act of making the food, making all that effort so your loved ones will eat well. It's about receiving the food and showing your appreciation for the labor of love that went into it. It's about taking care of someone and being taken care of, both of which require a vulnerability that hides nothing. And when that time came, Eddie sat there with a satisfied smile watching his boys eat and tease him, and Buck and Christopher were giddy with their enjoyment of the food and the chance to tease Eddie together. And Taylor sat there awkwardly making dessert jokes.

(the most important thing about the above post is that I came up with none of it and it all came from the beautiful brain of @colonoscopys, who peer-pressured me into making this post instead of her via my innate and all-encompassing desire to give her everything she wants)

#not my best but also idc i wrote this for one reason only #crazy this is also the same episode buck cheats on her with eddie's replacement and then asks her to move in #but we dont have time to unpack all that do we #weewoo brainrot #911 fox #911 abc #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie

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rinasunny · 10 months

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The Lavatory scene in Red Eye's final shooting script and the movie

One of my previous posts was about how much the first script draft of Red Eye differed from the final product. The draft discussed in this post is more or less final. This draft has all the changes made after Rachel and Cillian were cast as leads and after the test screenings. But there are still some features which didn't make the cut into the final product. I'm not gonna analyse the whole script here, but shippers' favorite scene - the lavatory scene. Yeah, you can always rely on this scene to bring some juicy stuff.

SPOILERS AHEAD

Okay let's start from the moment Lisa enters the bathroom alone.

Frankly speaking, for now, I prefer the movie version. Especially the line "Okay, get up" instead of "Oh my God..." Wes Craven said in the DVD commentary about this moment:

This was tricky, between making her totally collapse, but not have her totally pathetic. And she very quickly gets herself under control.

Next, there is an interesting description of Rippner:

Also, the message on the mirror was meant to be revealed slightly earlier, but whatever.

I'm not sure about Rippner's lines here, because half of it is barely audible in the film. Also quite ironic that the underlined part is not in the movie at all.

Okay, now really important stuff starts kicking in. Rippner practically spills out the fact that he is ATTRACTED to Lisa right at her face. The script makes it clear, that she now knows this and tries to use his attraction (and his regret) to persuade him to give up on Keefe assassination plan. Funny enough, she almost succeeds until he notices her scar. Personally, I think "You're beautiful..." line (and hair brushing) should have stayed in the final cut. Not only for the sake of the ship, but for the fact that without it Lisa's "You don't have to do this" sounds really naive.

Some of you may argue that this is all relevant for the movie, they just made it more subtle. Well, Movie-Lisa's best guess that Movie-Rippner might be attracted to her is the way Cillian looks at Rachel. On one hand many people point out that they do have chemistry and sexual tension, on the other the movie on its own leaves watchers to wonder whether the characters had any romantic feelings towards each other or not. And I probably stumbled upon a comment on YouTube, which interpreted the "You don't have to do this" line more as "You're so pretty, why do you have to be evil?" (or something along these lines)

Also I think that clarification would make Lisa a more nuanced character (by the fact that she tries to manipulate a villain into giving up on his villainy).

Also, as you may have noticed, the scar was meant to be on her neck, makes sence, given her backstory (He held a knife to my throat). I guess they moved it down just so Rippner wouldn't notice it earlier (though the script also mentions, that Lisa was meant to wear a sweater). I, personally, on the back of my horny mind, think he wasn't looking for scar when he gazed on her breast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

A little note: Script-Lisa looks away saying "No" while Rachel looks straight into his eyes, but starts trembling instead.

By the way, Rippner wasn't meant to slam and choke her just yet.

I guess he just let her out to wipe out the messege. Here Lisa gives up on conving him.

Only after he finished wiping he starts to choke her. Also, pay CLOSE ATTENTION on what Rippner's lips do here ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Yep, he almost kisses her.

I guess the changes movie made here were for the sake of pacing.

Another important difference: Rippner fixes both their outlooks to be more presentable. Lisa protests a bit.

I guess the movie crew decided they don't need to fix their look that much.

Also, I prefer the movie's "Peachy" instead of just "Good", though both lines are in the movie lol.

On the final note, I guess "Thanks for the quickie" line makes a bit more sence given we have Rippner's crawling lips there ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

So, these were the differences of the lavatory scene between the script and the movie. Hope you had as much shipping excitement as I did.

P.S: The link to the script. If you're a fan I strongly suggest to download it, it may easily become a lost media, like an earlier draft.

#red eye #red eye 2005 #jackson x lisa #jackson rippner #lisa reisert #cillian murphy #rachel mcadams #wes craven #carl ellsworth

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awhimproned · 9 months

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"you don't actually want the thing you think you want", a nandermo retrospective

In this post of mine deep diving into the decision of guillermo staying human, I said I wanted to make a nandermo analysis at one point. I absolutely have no self-control so I immediately started working on it. So, welcome. This is it.

This post will attempt to analyze in depth two implications of the infamous quote from above by Yana Gorskaya:

It’s shipbaiting and we’ve got a storm coming

It’s slowburn and the importance of recognizing toxic dynamics even when enjoying the drama and the potential

The quote comes from this interview question right here:

It can be interpreted in a lot of ways and directions, the most prominent one being “and they were platonic all along. trust us you dont want them together” — it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth because I can see the showrunners dangling a carrot in front of a target audience until the finish line. Especially when one of the directors herself says and proves outright that nandor and guillermo have been framed romantically on purpose just by having the line “will they won’t they relationship” in the interview.

Keep in mind the admittance of will they won’t they directly out of Yana automatically eliminates the argument that the writers were strictly going for platonic friends. There’s no refusal. No going: yea no we dont know. They wrote nandor and guillermo to be romantic.

From there we have two routes we can take:

1) On the direction that they’re not having nandermo be a thing: This makes everything shipbaiting.

At least it’s not queerbaiting, I hear you say, both characters are queer. I’d argue shipbaiting is worse in this situation, because in this frame, it rather looks like the showrunners are using the certain attachment and sentiments of the audience to string people along:

Both of these characters are people of color, one is plus size, both of them queer. If it’s shipbaiting, this kind of alludes to discrimination, I’m afraid. It does not look good on the showrunners/producers’ part (when Taika’s name is attached, too. This man is literally in OFMD. Help)

And you don’t want to be like Jason Rothenberg; beefing with your own fandom, making writing decisons to spite them, kill a lesbian character after exploiting your sapphic audience and be infamous for the worst case of bury your gays, shipbait for seven seasons to hold the largest fandom in the audience to keep your views up, mistreat your POC cast members... etc. God, yeesh.

It’s almost incriminating in that sense, when they stopped floating around the idea of them and made it canon by dropping the “maybe he has feelings for you as well” line in season 3 and while guillermo was disguised as nandor. And have him be bitchy about gail. Everything about s3 told us that guillermo had a thing for nandor.

If nandor and guillermo were intended strictly as just a couple of pals, they could easily shut down the excitement and expectation for the ship, but instead they did those. It was a confirmation more than anything rather than a rebuttal.

But I guess for the shipbaiting case, the “rebuttal” was s4 when Guillermo was in his healing era, Nandor wanted a wife, and they resetted allathat in s3 to practically nothing.

As much as I’m going to use this as an opposition argument in section two, it also is a potential support for shipbaiting case, and that is the repetition of “friends” for nandor&guillermo that started becoming more of a thing in seasons 4&5. Especially s4.

It saw Guillermo outgrowing Nandor for a potential love interest when s3 had the biggest plot twist in their favor ever, it was going somewhere, and then they immediately established not only Guillermo finding a boyfriend in London, but also him having no hard feelings about Nandor wanting to find a wife when we all know how hard he’d taken Gail — and most important of it all, Nandor just wanting a Freddie of his own. It’s really weirdly romantic drama-centric with each of them getting partners & setting up for jealousy, but the writers subvert every trope, and instead do this weird shit with Nandor’s storyline where it’s purely a horror story from Marwa’s POV and he’s a horrible, selfish monster (and I was flabbergasted at the downward spiral his character took) — yet he’s incredibly “generous” to Guillermo because he chose to make his own Freddie rather than take his and let him go in the end, it’s all so very bizarre.

Which makes the shipbait even more outrageous. Because now it’s personal since it has more shipbait moments inbetween that don’t have heterosexual explanations. KEEP IN MIND THEY’RE STILL FRAMED ROMANTICALLY THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING AND THE WHOLE THING WITH DEREK IS A WHOLE CHEATING METAPHOR.

The equivalent would be that one scene in Sherlock BBC when irene goes “of course you are [in love with him]” to john and how the show keeps bringing up how other characters think they’re in a relationship and saying it. You never want to be like Sherlock, either. Ugh.

I’ve been in through enough queerbaiting&shipbaiting to know that it could definitely turn out this way, and I’m still half-expecting this to be honest. I’m also a big fan of ofmd and go, but they’re exceptions, not the norm, and as much as wwdits is a wildly revolutionarily queer show, there is enough material for it all to turn out to be nothing.

So, in conclusion: shipbaiting turns out to be worse than it is because it’s on purpose and there’s no salvaging it after the “it was friendship all along ❤️” insistence, there’s receipts and the actors are on board with it. And in a situation like things, there is only one thing to say:

At least we have fanfiction and the actors like the pairing.

2) On the direction that nandermo is a thing: “you don’t know what you’re asking for and you won’t like it if we give it to you right now” dilemma, aka “you don’t actually want the thing you think you want” —

which basically rounds up to yana meaning, if nandor and guillermo were to be a thing right now at this point in their relationship, it would be messy, abusive and toxic [and there are still other plots to explore and directions this pairing could/have to be taken before they become canon.]

“Yeah they are messy, toxic characters, we know what we’re asking for,” I hear you saying. And I say to that, no, you really don’t, and you would end up hating what they did with nandor and guillermo if they became canon before they were true equals. One example of this would be people switching on Olicity (Oliver and Felicity from Green Arrow, wildly popular crackship there was no hope and only the teasing of in the fandom before it became a real thing) after the writers rushed to make them canon and did them very wrong afterwards.

The allure of nandermo is guillermo breaking the status quo and catching nandor slipping by establishing himself as his equal, destroying the power imbalance completely, them standing as individuals with equal power if not guillermo flipping the dynamic upside down and asserting dominance over nandor this time when he was a mere familiar nandor couldn’t care less about before.

This process is still in progress as of season 5 and let me tell you this, them becoming canon during Guillermo’s familiar status would have been downright icky.

This show’s only other canon ship ladja is the most healthy, gomez and morticia-esque thing ever, they’re in love, they’re horny all the time, they are queer, they fuck other people all the time and encourage each other, they’re wildly protective of one another, the man steps up to be a single father of a child he isn’t obligated to look after and he doesnt let it derail his wife’s career or force motherhood onto her, like. Do you really expect they wouldn’t let nandermo cook enough before they are on this level of iconic and healthy before they become a thing?

Nandor wasn’t even able to admit that Guillermo was a friend to him (and to Guillermo’s face) up until season 5. In season 1 he was weirded out by even saying it, in season 4 he could only manage to say “best man” and immediately reverse when the word friend was brought up — “closest companion for 13 years” in the market fight & “i may have killed my friend” muttered to himself before guillermo comes bursting out the door, it’s like he didn’t want to admit out loud that Guillermo became very important to him in a very short amount of time. Half of the pairing consisting of a person who is unable to make it clear and known to the other how important and precious he is just doesn’t sit well in the case they are in a relationship.

And the power imbalance is still there even if you don’t see it or think it’s gone, albeit knocked almost even by “I can kill you if I want to but I don’t” assertiveness from Guillermo.

Because even in season 3 and 4 in instances Guillermo was able to best Nandor in power, he’s still inferior to and is in service of him — because he’s working for something he wants from Nandor, which Nandor of course keeps taking advantage of by treating Guillermo like a subservient familiar (although it keeps getting better as things change more and more) even if in name he’s a bodyguard.

Their relationship is that of employment in name, the nature of it is give-and-take, Guillermo says it himself in s3 Nandor is a boss more than a friend and he would still be have to be “friends” with him because he’s his boss. And let’s be honest, before Nandor really became found family to him and he himself realized that over the seasons, Nandor was a means to an end for Guillermo, he’s “Master”, not “Nandor”.

And from Nandor’s perspective, Guillermo is with him because he wants to be a vampire. Simple as that. It’s what allows Nandor to exploit Guillermo.

Imagine a premature romance happening in these circumstances, it’d be absolutely in abuse territory, you don’t make your significant other do the dirty work for you like that. It’s why boss-employee relationships are most of the times, forbidden in the workplace, because the boss holds some power over the employee and can very much have them do things that they don’t want to do.

Nandor would not be able to see Guillermo as an equal even when there are feelings involved, because I have to remind you, Nandor is a cruel bastard, and it would turn into one of those AITA posts real quick between them when Guillermo is fully in service of Nandor still.

And remember how Nandor treated his “love” Marwa, how fast he dropped her from his life once that “phase” was over, all the things he did to her, she was his significant other — yet he never connected with her, not really, she was just an accessory to him and this was supposed to be “love”; and the other side of the coin, how he keeps self-sabotaging and ignoring his real problem by filling the void with what he thinks is the solution, getting in the way of his own happiness.

This can’t be ideal from Guillermo’s perspective when imagining a relationship with him.

And now, change Guillermo’s gender. Imagine it being a woman who’s going through this. It’s putrid toxic when you think about it like that. And to think “she” would receive Nandor’s respect and equal footing once she became a vampire same as him — uhh... No, please, thank you. It’s less fun and more this is problematic when the tables turn, isn’t it?

Not to mention how open the vampires’ relationships and sex lives are, they are not monogamous. Guillermo is a very repressed and private Catholic, he wouldn’t be able to handle Nandor and Laszlo’s trysts. He has his own journey to go through for him to be also into open relationships because Nandor sure as hell won’t turn monogamous for him, this is wwdits.

Which is why the progress of “work relationship” to “official declaration of friendship” over the course of season 4 & 5 is very important in their dynamic, because it takes things into a more attentive, caring and intimate territory in which both openly care for each other beyond being Master and Familiar. They both grew tremendously as individuals. Guillermo admits he loves Nandor the most, Nandor is finally able to say that Guillermo is his friend and openly do acts of service and somewhat redeem his selfish actions in s4 when he was lashing out making dumb decisions and actively self-sabotaging because he was given the power instead of confronting leftover problems he was repressing from s3.

This solidifies their connection, makes it something undeniable that it affects a vampire who immediately is able to move on from another’s death. You’re shown again and again how they react to death and how insignificant it is to them, yet Nandor is close to tears when he thinks Guillermo is dead, falls to his knees even, and is even more disturbed and outraged when he thinks Laszlo is violating his corpse.

For the first time you see that more than an unhealthy codependency or a symbiotic relationship between a vampire and a slayer bodyguard/familiar, Nandor is emotionally attached to Guillermo.

Like, really attached that he will actually be kind and giving and forgiving — not only did he violate a vampire society taboo to kill a fellow vampire, but also overcame the pride and humiliation because he finally realizes Guillermo is much more important to him and that he actually doesn’t want to kill him when the anger lets up enough for him to see that. (Thank you Patton Oswald for your service)

And we don’t stop there. He accepts him as an equal and invites him to live together in the house, which proves that even when he was a slayer bodyguard Nandor didn’t see him as an equal, and after Guillermo is having problems with the killing side of being a vampire, he doesn’t humiliate or shame Guillermo through this. You‘d think he and the vampires would make fun of him endlessly, but they let Nandor organize this intricate ritual so all of them together can allow Guillermo’s decision to be as authentic and without pressure and shame as possible. You’d think that ritual room was prepared by Guillermo but everything is done by Nandor, so he proves he’s not entirely unable to function as a normal being who can live by himself, he’s just dramatic and likes to be pampered.

If you thought The Roast was an incredibly generous nandermo episode for me to think we collectively hallucinated it like a Goncharov moment, this final episode is downright fanfic. Nandor has never been this nice with Guillermo, EVER.

All of this is done right after Nandor’s official admitting that Guillermo is his friend. This is a crucial step in their relationship for Nandor to consider Guillermo to be more, and Guillermo to question just what they are.

And love can only work where there’s mutual affection and respect for one another. And the writers are gradually working up to achieve that while tackling individual character arcs for nandor and guillermo to get there.

The power imbalance I’m talking about is a thing that exists beyond the powers they hold over the other’s head, it is about what they think of each other as. What Nandor is to Guillermo, and what Guillermo is to Nandor.

They could only become canon without it being toxic is when Nandor can look at Guillermo and think — “This is my friend and not my servant” and when the carrot of vampirism isn’t hanging in front of Guillermo and he’s naturally an actual part of the friend group (so that he wouldn’t be mistreated while he’s Nandor’s partner too.)

And I really don’t think nadja out of nowhere saying “my best friend” about laszlo was a coincidental writing choice.

And we’re nearly there at this point. Mister Nandor nobody can betray me and get away with it the Relentless just let Guillermo get away with it, and not only that, he fixed everything for him. Everything. He didn’t even get jealous that Guillermo had a choice in staying human when he obviously would kill to be human in season 3. He just went “I will fix”. It’s the most selfless thing he did in the entire series and he only got competent and smart when it was Guillermo in question — he wanted to fix the friendship.

And in episode 8, he told Baron Afanas — “whatever Guillermo’s flaws may be [...]”

That suggests Nandor doesn’t see any flaw in Guillermo, and is unaware if they do in fact, exist. He genuinely likes Guillermo, enough to cry and mourn when he thinks him dead, enough to snap at the Baron and defend him until the end, enough to clutch his favorite sweater like a shock blanket. It was this episode that cemented Guillermo as indisposable to Nandor, and the season finale to establish how far Nandor would go and soften himself up (change) if it was for Guillermo’s sake, he’s never been that tender and considerate, ever with Guillermo,

and you could say at that point it could be because they were “equals” as vampires but Nandor knew what he would choose — the focus on his hands when he’s personally dressing guillermo (pride and prejudice hand flex, dont @ me). "don't be nervous we've all been through it" (gentle). "nothing you cannot handle" (encouraging). Making up an intricate ritual so that he wouldn’t feel pressured or stressed or shamed. "you wanna be a human, there's no shame in that". (These vampires clown on EVERYONE) "we're gonna make it happen". "you want me to do it?". "I don't know" "I do". Keeping Guillermo's old or spare glasses in his pocket like it was something he came across while he was destroying Guillermo’s things like some lover scorned and he saved it like it was some keepsake. “I'm sorry, Guillermo. That was the only way for you to figure out what you actually wanted”. The hand on his shoulder to comfort him and the patting. “It was a horrible and hard decision. I think you made the right choice.” (Nandor himself would have killed derek in a heartbeat if it was his decision to return to being a human, but he still spared Guillermo’s feelings because he knows how hard it was for Guillermo. Since when is Nandor considerate about another person’s feelings? Guillermo is special.)

He was so very unexpectedly gentle and he’s never ever been that way and I am still in shock about his honesty and the effort he’s put into helping. This was the biggest gift he could have given Guillermo, not the vampirism, but a way out of it when he didnt want it anymore, a choice. And he wouldnt have done that if he didnt deeply care for Guillermo —

And with that, we’re almost out of the toxicity zone into a yet new dynamic with them, one that isn’t about who’s dominant and who’s submissive, but them finally being able to stand on equal ground, if Guillermo isn’t asking for vampirism from Nandor anymore and isn’t implicitly going back to being his familiar.

If they’re going towards a romantic relationship, this was an important border to cross and a topic finally handled the way it needs to be addressed. The one thing that’s causing a chain of command in their relationship is gone. And anything can happen. Anything.

I don’t believe that line about cleaning up Derek’s body was meant to imply Guillermo was back to being a familiar for Nandor and that we are back to square one. His phrasing was extremely polite — “Now if you wouldn’t mind cleaning up Derek’s corpse before sunrise that would be great”. That’s not an order. Derek is Guillermo’s mess, so he has to handle it himself, it’s like saying “I’ve done all this and I even killed him for you, and the rest is yours to deal with,” — it’s like saying “I cooked, you do the dishes”, and Nandor is giving him space to deal with his decision, hell, he didn’t even tell Guillermo to clean everything else like he normally would, now that would suggest back to the status quo.

Season 5 was fucking HUGE for nandermo and all of guillermo’s dynamics with everyone. It still feels like a fever dream to be honest. They really went and got rid of what was clogging up the progress of their relationship. They’re just. Happening naturally. It’s a slowburn if it’s meant to happen eventually and the writers are being really careful with doing things in the right way for it to not become toxic.

You just gotta have some faith in the team and wait for it.

In conclusion: Yes fucked up relationships are fun. until it’s canon and people are making discourse on the internet about how abusive it really is when it could have been handled better. The ross and rachel-ification of nandermo is the last thing we need.

There’s definitely things I’ve missed because im purely making this post on mobile and it’s not as coherent as I’d like it to be, if I have, please don’t hesitate to tell me.

#nandermo #guillermo de la cruz #nandor the relentless #wwdits meta #wwdits #what we do in the shadows #wwdits s5 #wwdits spoilers #wwdits season 5

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decks-writing-blog · 4 months

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Whatever the Fuck Benrey Is: Chapter One: Never Stayed Dead

Summary: Following the events at Black Mesa, Gordon ends up learning more about Benrey. He might even end up liking him eventually.

[A/N] This was supposed to be a one shot about Gordon and Benrey starting to get along; the start of a slow burn that still feels complete as a stand alone. And then I was gonna do more one shots along their relationship journey, each feeling complete on its own. I've done this with ships before to great success but uh... that didn't happen here. It just kept going until I had to start splitting it into chapters at which point I was invested in it. I have nothing planned so it might end up meandering at some point but that's okay, I'm working on chapter 7 now and still going strong and still enjoying writing it so the journey will take us wherever it ends up taking us.

Also, I know that Benrey seems to most often be portrayed as basically not taking damage from things but like, in the series because of how G-mod works, blood still sprays from him sometimes so I have chosen to interpret that as he takes the damage but then heals from it really quick. Which lead to other ideas that end up being rather important to how I write Benrey.

Upon getting hired at Black Mesa, Gordon hadn’t thought too much about the housing provided to the employees. It was a top secret research facility out in the middle of the New Mexico dessert, mostly buried under it, and a long multi-hour drive from the next nearest bit of civilization. Said bit of civilization being nothing but a small town that didn’t even have an airport. So of course the job had come with a place to live, anything else would’ve caused getting to and from work to take longer than actual work or require him and everyone else to camp out in the dessert above the facility. Now though, upon fast walking away from the Chuck E. Cheese – with Tommy’s birthday party over, capping the nightmare at last, he was finally free – he really wished he had a place to stay in Tuefort too.

Whether the living area in Black Mesa was still intact or not was hard to say for sure. But even if it was, based off the state the rest of the facility he’d seen had been in, likely it had been overrun with aliens and military goons, leaving it a horrid mess. One he wouldn’t want to clean up or just live next to even if the option had been available to him. Which it wasn’t thanks to how long the drive down there was when he didn’t even have a car currently.

Did he even have a job at Black Mesa anymore? If so did he want to keep it after all that? Even if the answer to either of those was ‘yes’ he didn’t want go back right now for sure. Not until someone else cleaned up the mess. Which should take a while, meaning he had plenty of time to think about it for now.

Instead he kept walking, trying not to think about anything other than finding Tuefort’s one hotel, if he could just remember where it was. He should still have his wallet on him under the HEV suit and thus some money, hopefully enough to rent a room long enough to figure things out.

Dressed in a blood splattered suit of what was essentially orange armor and with a hand that was hopefully not too obviously a gun at first glance, he got curious looks from passersby as he made his way down the sidewalk. There were quite a few people about too; the town was abuzz. Likely that had something to do with the military flying over to get to Black Mesa. Luckily, despite their intrigue, no one stopped him to ask questions about who he was or what he thought about the military. Tuefort’s one claim to fame was being a weird place filled with weird people so he could hopefully continue to pass as a normal type of weird person that had nothing to do with anything important. So he avoided eye contact as much as possible and held his gun hand close to try to disguise it as such.

He’d have to do something about it eventually though. Walking around with a gun for an hand might not be illegal – this was America after all, gun laws were way more lax than was probably wise – but it sure was weird. People would ask about it for sure and he didn’t want to talk about it. Could anything be done about it though? Was taking it off and replacing it with proper prosthetic an option? … If not then he would have to…

“Hey.”

He jumped, snapping to face the ally he was passing by, pointing said gun arm at the figure leaning against the wall within. Quickly, he lowered it; he couldn’t just go around pointing his gun at anyone who startled him even if the voice had sounded uncomfortably familiar. Except well, it wasn’t just the voice that was familiar.

“Benrey!” Gordon snapped the gun back up. “Why aren’t you dead? You’re supposed to be dead.” It was a struggle to keep his voice down but he didn’t want to call undue attention.

“What? Who told you I was dead?” It sounded like a genuine question but with Benrey who could possibly tell if he was genuine about anything?

“No one. We killed you or… or I thought we did.” He should’ve known better though, huh? Benrey never stayed dead.

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re a cheater but I’m better now. So where you headed? Off to steal something?”

If Gordon shot him, how much trouble would he get in? … Probably more than was worth it considering Benrey couldn’t die, not permanently anyway. “No. I’m looking for a hotel ‘cause I need a place to sleep for a while before I try to find out if any part of Black Mesa’s still operational and if I also still have a job there if so. I don’t have time for you so I’m just gonna leave now.”

Maybe it was a mistake to turn his back on whatever the fuck Benrey was but Gordon didn’t really care anymore and did it anyway, resuming heading down the sidewalk. If Benrey wanted to kill him, he would do it and Gordon couldn’t do a single thing to stop him apparently. So he was just going to do his best to not let Benrey bother him and hope that would convince him to finally leave.

“You’re headed the wrong direction.”

Gordon skid to a halt, turning to look back at Benrey as he stepped out of the ally. “What?”

“Hotel’s down that way, on the other side of town.” Benrey pointed in the opposite direction Gordon had been heading.

“Are you sending me in that direction so I’ll walk all the way to that side of town, find no hotel, forcing me to walk all the way back to this side of town again before I finally find it?”

“No. Why would I do that?”

“Because you want to make my life a living hell.”

Benrey stared at him in silence for a several seconds. Had his eyes always been that yellow and Gordon was just now noticing or was it a new thing? “Whatever, I don’t care if you believe me or not. I’m just trying to help an old pal out. Which I didn’t have to do after you cheated to beat me up. Uncool, man, uncool.” Well at least he wasn’t unphased by his defeat. Not that him being bitter about it really helped Gordon much. If anything that was bad as it gave Benrey all the more reason to target him.

“You know what? Fine. If you know where the hotel is, take me there, lead the way.” Gordon flourished his good arm in the direction Benrey had said the hotel lay in.

“Why? You planning to steal something once you’re there?”

Far too tired to play this game, Gordon didn’t take the bait. In hindsight, he should’ve never responded to such nonsense, it’s clearly what Benrey wanted. Well, with defeating Benrey for good off the table, Gordon was done playing his games. He wasn’t going to be a fun target anymore. “If you don’t know the way, that’s fine. I’m fully capable of finding it on my own.” Though he would really rather just have someone bring him there, even if it was Benrey, so he could finally get a shower and a full night’s sleep that much sooner.

More of that silent thoughtful stare, his pupils narrowing to slits. How Gordon had ever missed the fact that Benrey wasn’t human was a mystery. What was he though? Gordon would love to know but at the same time it was Benrey. No doubt he’d make any attempt to study or experiment on him a massive pain in the ass.

“I’m waiting. You gonna lead the way or no.”

“Well uh… I don’t know where it is exactly,only that it’s on the side of town closest to Black Mesa, which is over that way.” He pointed again and it was indeed the direction Black Mesa lay in.

“Great, awesome, thanks for the help.” Gordon started in that direction. If it was a trick, he’d already been walking so long already it hardly mattered. And if not, it’d get him to a place he could rest that much sooner. So it was probably worth the risk.

“You’re welcome,” Benrey said as he fell in step with Gordon, sounding as if he hadn’t picked up on the frustration and sarcasm at all.

Gordon turned his head to look at him, intending to tell him to leave but bit back on it. It wouldn’t make him leave and might give him opening to be more annoying. So instead he clamped his mouth shut, turned to look solely where he was going and kept walking. His only hope of escaping Benrey was no longer being a fun thing to play with and that meant he had to do his best to ignore Benrey and all his attempts to be a nuisance.

The silence between them held for maybe a grand total of two whole minutes before Benrey broke it. “So when’s your hand gonna grow back?”

Gordon took a breath to respond but again bit back on it. He wasn’t raising to the bait. Benrey was trying to make him angry by bringing up his missing hand again.

“I mean I know humans heal slower and stuff, it’s why everyone’s always taking my juice, ‘cause they’re impatient and don’t wanna wait, but it’s been days now so it should be starting to come back, right? Unless it can’t ‘cause the gun’s there now. I could cut that off for you if you want. Unless you wanna keep the gun, it is pretty cool. You have to promise not to steal anything with it though.”

Gordon should stay quiet, really he should, Benrey was talking nonsense, again. But even with how exhausted he was by the events of the last week, or however long that nightmare had lasted, he couldn’t just not be curious. “What do you mean ‘everyone’s always taking your… juice’?”

“I mean they’re always taking my juice. What else could that sentence mean?”

“What are they taking your juice for?” And what did he even mean by ‘juice’? But one question at a time.

“To put in health packs and stuff so they can heal up real fast when they get a boo-boo. You should really pay better attention when people are talking.”

Gordon skidded to a halt, too shocked to be annoyed by the implication he hadn’t been paying attention. “You mean the healing stuff in the health stations and health packs that Black Mesa makes are filled with your… juice?”

Benrey continued on for a couple more steps before realizing Gordon had stopped. He turned back to face him. Before he could get a word out though, Gordon interrupted.

“And before you accuse me of not paying attention again, I am paying complete and total attention. I just want clarification because I was told it was just a compound one of the teams in Black Mesa invented in a lab. There was never any mention of any juice from any… whatever the fuck you are.”

Benrey frowned, smacking his lips a couple times in seeming thought. “I told them to tell people. But yeah, they take my juice, mix it from something to make it go further and last longer, then put it in the medkits and stuff.”

He could still be lying, trying to mess with Gordon through making him believe he’d injected himself with Benrey’s ‘juice’ a fuckton of times over the years and especially in the last week. But on the other hand, he did undoubtedly have some crazy regenerative properties, healing from gunshot wounds like it was no problem, so of course someone in Black Mesa would try to harness and use that if they could. And from what he knew, a not insubstantial amount of Black Mesa’s funding had come from selling those medkits, often through shady channels if the rumors were to believed.

The realization that Benrey had been at Black Mesa as far more than a security guard wasn’t surprising as he was the exact kind of thing many of the scientists there liked to poke, study, and use. What was surprising though was that they’d managed to contain him. Congrats to them, if only they’d managed to keep him locked up.

Shaking off the shock, Gordon resumed walking. Though he moved slower than before; he was tired and not done with this conversation. So this time, Benrey falling in step next to him was exactly what he wanted. “Okay, knowing I’ve been injected with your… juice is kinda gross. I guess how gross depends on what exactly you mean by ‘juice’. Is it your blood or… or… where do they draw it from?”

Benrey shrugged. “Why do you wanna know? Gonna try to steal some to grow your hand back faster?”

Would straight from the source be enough for such a thing? The medkits and health stations could do a lot, up to and including healing bullets wounds as he’d learned the hard way, but they couldn’t grow back lost limbs. That had been stressed pretty hard in training to prevent people from getting too reckless. But even straight from the source could… “No. I may not like you but stealing your blood or… whatever you mean by ‘juice’ wouldn’t be something I want to stoop to.” Even if he did have some right to because it was Benrey who had caused his arm to get chopped off in the first place. “Gotta try to return to having some sense of morality now that I’m outta that nightmare. Besides, I doubt it would work. Unlike whatever you are, human limbs don’t grow back once they’re cut off. If you’re quick and the cut is clean enough it can sometimes be reattached but that’s the most anyone’s ever been able to do even with the medkit goo.”

“Wait, what do you mean? Of course it’s gonna grow back, it just takes longer ‘cause all your healing stuff takes longer for some reason.” Did he really not know or was he messing with Gordon, trying to get an angry raise out of him? Either way the only thing making it easy to resist the temptation to shoot him in the face was the fact so many other people were around and would see.

“No. It’s never growing back. It physically can’t grow back. My hand’s gone for good and there’s nothing I do can do to change that.” It was old news by now but saying it out loud made it more real somehow. A tinge of panic threatened to crawl up his throat and take his breath and thought away. A part of his body was gone, chopped off and replaced with a gun of all things. A tool good only for hurting and killing.

He had to stop walking and step to the side to lean against a nearby building so he could focus on just breathing. In and out… in and out… he wasn’t having a panic attack today. He was far too exhausted to put up with that. He’d freak out about it again later! Right now he just needed a place to rest and relax and that was the only thing he was going to be thinking about until he got there. Nothing else in the world existed but that goal.

It took a couple minutes but he eventually steadied himself. Full blown panic attacked averted – for the moment at least – he took one last deep breath before looking up again. Benrey stood before him, his expression unreadable as the watched Gordon. “You for real? It ain’t gonna grow back?”

Gordon was tempted to resume walking and hopefully leave him behind but… “You seriously thought it would?”

“Yep. But… I guess that explains why it’s been taking so long, huh? Humans are even weaker than I thought. Oops.” There was an emotion in his voice that his natural monotone made hard to place. “Guess you’re just gonna have to be Gordon Gunhandman now, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Don’t think about it too much! Gordon pushed off the building and resumed walking towards hopefully the hotel. He could be angry at Benrey for thinking the whole thing was just a prank, causing nothing but mild inconvenience, later when he had more energy. The sun was starting to dip towards the horizon, the sky darkening. In another couple hours it would set and the cold would creep in. Hopefully he’d be clean and in a real bed by then. While they were still walking though and to change the subject… “Do you give them your… juice,” gosh, he couldn’t believe they were still calling it that, “willingly? Like do they pay you?”

Benrey was quiet for a few seconds before replying. “They let me go wherever I want in the facility ‘long as as I cooperate.” Implying they’d otherwise force him to and then keep him locked up in whatever kind of cage they’d invented that could hold him. So no, he didn’t do it willingly, he just didn’t want to say that right now. And honestly, Gordon couldn’t blame him. Who would want to admit that kind of thing to their enemy?

Silence settled between them after that. Gordon still had questions but was too tired to try to find a way to ask them that might actually get him some sort of answer from Benrey. And perhaps, maybe, just maybe, Benrey was finally feeling guilty enough about the hand thing to make him uncomfortable enough to want to stop talking for once. That sure would be nice. Either way they didn’t exchange another word until Benrey pointed out the hotel up ahead. Thank all that was still good in the world, he hadn’t been lying about the direction.

It was old and visibly rundown on the outside. The inside though looked more modern and even if the carpeted floor looked like it could do with a deep clean, it wasn’t bad. In all it was all exactly what one should expect from cheap hotel in a small town in the middle of nowhere. To Gordon though, it might as well be the gates of heaven.

He beelined for the receptionist’s desk, before he got there though…

“Hello Gordon!”

He stopped, turning to see Dr. Coomer, Bubby, and Tommy, seemingly waiting for him as they stood from the plush chairs set off to the side.

“What took you so long?” Bubby said before turning his glare onto Benrey. “And aren’t supposed to be dead.”

“He doesn’t stay dead, remember?” Gordon interrupted before Benrey could reply and probably start something. “It’s annoying but there’s nothing we can do about it so try not let it bother you and maybe eventually he’ll get bored and go away. But why are you guys here?”

It was Tommy who answered. “Because Mr. Freeman, Black Mesa, isn’t exactly a cozy place to live anymore right now so um… we came here, looking for rooms. We wanted to invite you too but um… you ran off so fast we didn’t even know which direction you went in. But uh… it makes sense you’d come here, right? ‘Cause it’s uh… the only hotel in town. So we were waiting for you.”

“We weren’t sure if you had money to pay for your own room,” Dr. Coomer added. “So we discussed it and decided we would wait for you here to ask if you need the financial assistance. So Gordon, do you have need for us to pay for a room for you? We haven’t paid for our own rooms yet because we thought you might want to be our neighbor after all we’ve been through together.”

Gordon wouldn’t have thought they’d take the time to think he might need help affording a place to sleep for the night. They’d even sat here and waited for him after he’d rushed off and left them behind at Chuck E. Cheese. People going so far out of their way for him wasn’t something he’d ever experienced before. It was almost enough to bring tears to his eyes.

“They waited,” Bubby cut in before Gordon could do more than take a deep breath to hold back the tears, “I wanted to hurry up and get a move on.”

“He was about to get up and go looking for you,” Tommy said in an almost whisper that Bubby had to have heard though he seemed to be set on pretending he hadn’t.

“Thanks. I…I appreciate it a lot, like… yeah. But um… I should still have my wallet on me and its got my debit card in it so I should be fine. It’s uh… under the suit though. Which, I’m probably gonna need help taking off since there’s not a thingy to take it off anywhere here for obvious reasons. So uh, actually…”

“I’ll pay for your room tonight,” Tommy cut in as he trailed off.

“Thanks, I owe you one.” A big one because gosh, Gordon would just about kill for a real bed right now.

“What ‘bout me?” Benrey of course hadn’t left. “Do I get a room too?”

“Of course, I’ll pay for a room for you too.” Tommy didn’t sound at all bothered by Benrey’s presence. Not too surprising, they’d seemed to have been friends before the resonance cascade. Apparently things hadn’t changed too much.

“Well, let’s hop to it.” Dr. Coomer didn’t seem bothered either as he started for the receptionist’s desk. “Daylight’s wasting, as they say.”

Welp, seems Gordon’s time with the Science Team wasn’t done yet. He… didn’t mind though. Despite everything, he had grown fond of them and they’d been through a lot together. And they were willing to wait for him and help him out and willing to talk to the receptionist to sort out the room situation, meaning he didn’t have to. What more could he possibly ask for in friends?

“We’re currently in the middle of a big renovation project,” the receptionist was saying as Gordon, trailing along at the back of the group, caught up. “Between that and everyone here to attend the Cacti Enthusiasts Conference, there are currently only three rooms available. So, um, some of you are going to have share for at least tonight. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

“I’m sure we’ll figure it out.” Dr. Coomer was apparently in charge of the transaction. Maybe not the wisest but it was probably fine. He turned to look at Gordon. “Hello Gordon! It turns out, some of us are going to have to share a room.”

“That’s fine. I don’t care.” They’d all been sleeping in the same room since they’d met anyway. Sharing space for a little while longer wasn’t going to hurt any of them. Just as long as Gordon didn’t end up rooming with Benrey anyway.

“Dibs on bunking with Feetman.” It was almost as if Benrey had just read that thought and decided to ruin the mostly good vibes Gordon had just been feeling because of it. “Gotta make sure he don’t steal nothing.”

Gordon lifted his gun arm, pointing it at Benrey’s face. He held it there for a grand total of two seconds before lowering it though. “Fine. I don’t care.” Getting upset was what Benrey wanted from him and he wasn’t giving him that. Never again. … And besides, revealing he had a gun for an arm and Benrey was some kind of something that wasn’t human would call attention to them from the authorities. Bad in general but after how many US soldiers they’d killed, lying super low for probably the rest of their lives was wise. So he wasn’t going to cause a scene. Even if that meant putting up with god damn Benrey. If Benrey killed him in his sleep then so be it, he barely cared anymore as long as he got to sleep properly in a real bed for several hours beforehand.

After some discussion it was decided Dr. Coomer and Bubby would share a room too and Tommy would get one to himself because he was paying for two of them and, “Sunkist will want to share with me when she catches up.” They weren’t neighbors but they did luck into all being in the same hallway even if one of them was way at the end of it while the others two were closer to the opposite side.

They all gathered in the far room first, ostensibly to help Gordon take the HEV suit off. The only one really helping though was Tommy, though Bubby did talk through what he knew of the suit’s built in fail-safes should it need to be taken off manually which helped a lot. Dr. Coomer offered to take it off for three Play Coinstm but not wanting to go into debt in a currency he had no idea the rules of, Gordon had declined.

Partway through the process he regretted declining that offer. The suit was designed to be taken off by a machine, the means to take it off manually had been an afterthought. A just in case the world ended and thus said machine had no power and/or had been destroyed. Not exactly something anyone thought was likely to happen given Black Mesa largely being underground, making it suitable as an impromptu bomb shelter, complete with a host of backup generators not connected to the main power grid. His strong hand being replaced with a gun made it even more difficult, resulting in Tommy doing most of the work of taking it off. Making it a mortifying ordeal; he needed help getting undressed like some kind of giant toddler.

But finally after way too long, the suit was off and in a pile on the floor next to him. He suddenly felt much lighter and less sturdy, like a slight breeze could blow him over. His clothes were a rumbled, horrid, sweat stained mess but he was free at long, long last. “Thanks Tommy, I owe you big time.”

“Don’t… don’t worry about it Mr. Freeman. But, um, maybe you should take a shower before going to bed. Not that um… just, you know… a thought.”

“You stink,” Bubby said.

“I’m afraid he’s right, Gordon,” Coomer said, putting a hand on Gordon’s shoulder, “you smell like you’ve bathed in the concentrated stench of all the locker rooms in the world combined.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Gordon could tell them that they all stank too because they did but sans the suit, he did smell substantially worse. Other than the part at the waist that could be moved aside to allow the wearer to use the toilet, his body had been encased in metal for days with no break. During which he’d been running around and getting his literal hand cut off and having the single most stressful experience of his life, resulting in quite a lot of sweat that had had nowhere to go. So he did indeed reek to high heaven and as hard the bed had called to him earlier, it was now nothing compared to his need for a shower.

“I’ll uh, go do that now. Thanks again Tommy for paying for the room tonight and uh, helping get the armor off. We’ll talk more tomorrow morning, I guess. Goodnight.” With a chorus of good night from the three of them, Gordon stepped into the bathroom.

Hot showers were always nice but this one was downright magical. Even the hotel’s cheap soap and shampoo felt luxurious and smelled divine. It was awkward using his left hand but he was getting used it to and thus fairly quickly got some sort of a hang on it. He could adapt, he could make it through this. The nightmare was over, he’d survived it, everything was going to be okay now.

He washed himself multiple times, trying to get rid of every bit of dirt and grim that had stuck to his skin. Rinsing and repeating until he felt rubbed raw, then he just stood there under the hot water. It would’ve been easy to stay like that for hours and hours if not for the way the hot water easing his sore muscles also reminded him of his exhaustion. If it were the kind of shower that doubled as a tub, he’d likely have just lain down in it and gone to sleep. So it was probably for the best that it was just a stand up shower as that would’ve been dangerous and awful once the water ran cold.

Instead, with a longing sigh, he turned the water off and stepped out. The provided towels were scratchy but clean so he barely cared. Once he was about as dry as he cared to bother making himself, he took one look at his discarded clothing before putting on one of the hotel’s bathrobes instead. It was also stiff and scratchy but it was be better than going nude because he’d rather burn his old clothes than put them back on. Tomorrow he’d coordinate with the others to get them all clean clothing.

Upon stepping out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth with just his finger – the hotel had toothpaste but no toothbrushes so that was another thing he needed – he took two steps towards the bed before stopping. Somehow he’d forgotten Benrey had called dibs on bunking with him.

“You steal that?” He asked as he looked up from where he sat on one of the room’s two chair’s next to the room’s one bed. It was a big bed but still… oh no. Maybe, hopefully, he didn’t need to sleep though.

“No, it comes with the room. You can and should go take a shower now too.” Gordon gestured towards it.

Benrey lowered the remote he’d been presumably flipping through channels with based off the fact that the TV was and playing what looked to be a infomercial. “Huh? Why?”

To get him out of Gordon’s hair long enough for him to fall asleep but also…“’Cause you’re nasty.” Even if whatever he was didn’t sweat and thus body order wouldn’t be as much of an issue, he’d been through some pretty disgusting places in Black Mesa and thus needed cleansing regardless. “And don’t put those clothes back on either also because they’re nasty. There’s another couple bathrobes in there instead. We’ll get clean ones tomorrow sometime. And when you’re done, if you’re gonna kill me in my sleep, please do me a favor and at least wait until I’ve slept for like… five hours before you do it, okay?”

Benrey opened his mouth to respond but before he could get a single word out, Gordon snatched the remote from him, earning a, “Hey, rude,” instead of whatever he’d been going to say. He then turned off TV before flipping off the light and crawling into bed, keeping the remote with him to make it harder for Benrey to steal it back. Benrey said something else, his voice a protest, but as soon as Gordon’s head hit the pillow he was already starting to drift off, making his exact words indecipherable. He’d deal with Benrey tomorrow, right now he really, truly didn’t care anymore.

Chapter 2: But You Owe Me

#hlvrai #frenrey #benrey #gordon freeman hlvrai #half life vr but the ai is self aware

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soleilnomoon · 1 year

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Hiya!! I’m absolutely in love with this event you’re doing and wanted to put in an order with you if possible 🥲❤️

Can I please have a glazed donut with caramel and a touch of whipped cream, a Neapolitan rose cake with poppy seeds and whipped cream and a #1 (Kidd) from the secret menu?

For a f!reader (Gn reader is also perfect, whatever you’re comfortable with!)

Thank you so so much!!

hihi!! ty for being patient with my very slow writing 😭💓 anyway i love kidd he's so fun to write and he's just so silly being grumpy like that all the time. i wrote this like i was possessed so i hope you enjoy 😊also as u know enemies 2 lovers is my shit, i love it sfm.

3.3k words, fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni; smut, enemies 2 lovers, hurt/comfort, a splash of angst (nothing major it's so tame i promise maybe), and fluff if pretend real good (jk it's there somewhere); feat. oral (m receiving), oral (f receiving), fingering, kid being a bigass bully but reader dishes it back, kid is a mean bitch when he's jealous but what's new, reader likes it ok; is this toxic??? maybe a lil idk, i'm into it ok. both of them need to do better; killer makes a brief cameo! (if u see grammar/spelling mistakes, no u didn't :))

“listen, memory’s got a hard heart and a soft head. / whatever light the eye sees, the heart says dark, dark, dark.” — charles wright

an empty beer bottle shatters on impact the moment eustass kid chucks it at the wall near your head; thankfully your keen senses allow you to miss the attack, just barely.

“care to explain,” you say as carefully and as cordially as you can, teeth grinding against each other every time you pause to calm yourself, “why the entire fuck did you throw that at me?” you keep your distance from your hot-tempered captain, staring fiercely at him, not at all fazed by his intimidating presence.

kid pours himself a glass of scotch and ignores you altogether, grunting noisily before downing the drink all at once.

“kid,” your tone is anything but amiable, he can taste your annoyance even from across the room; everyone had cleared the kitchen once you and kid started arguing — the crew has been privy to one too many explosive fights and they were tired of breaking them up. when it doesn’t look like he’s going to answer truthfully, you roll your eyes and toss your hair over your shoulders. “know what? i’m done, i’m leaving this stupid ship, because there’s no way i’m going to survive with a shitty captain like you.” the words leave your mouth much too fast, spurned by the two glasses of wine you had previously.

you weren’t even mad that he threw the bottle, you were used to the outbursts and you were equally as destructive as he was — much to the chagrin of your crew mates, who constantly reminded the two of you to figure something out quickly.

kid knows better than to encourage you to leave, even though the words touch the tip of his tongue, but he thinks better of it and says nothing. instead, he fills another glass and drinks again.

“do whatever you want,” he dismisses you with a wave of his hand, eyes closing as he lounges on a chair lazily. he doesn’t mean it, of course, but you decide to interpret that as him giving you permission. bile rises to the back of your throat, and you will yourself not to let a single tear fall. you sniff loudly and turn your face away before storming out of the kitchen.

you bump into killer on your way out, but before he can ask what’s wrong you run off. he doesn’t chase after you as he has a sinking feeling that you and kid had yet another fight that requires his mediation.

a thankless job if anyone were to ask him.

he finds kid with his eyes closed and a frown stitched onto his face. killer sits across from his captain and sighs loudly.

“start from the beginning,” he says smoothly, watching kid carefully to see if he’s actually going to give him the whole story this time.

kid doesn’t move for a long moment, but he knows he can’t avoid killer so he relents. he tries not to think about the shape of your mouth, or the curve of your hips; he tries and tries and tries, but he can’t get your face out of his head.

“it’s not a big deal,” kid says gruffly, voice low, irritation spiking all over again when he slams the glass on the wooden table — the force of it rattling the furniture nearby.

killer crosses his arms against his chest and fixes kid with a steely glare, one that penetrates through his mask. still, kid insists on pleading his case.

“you know she argues with me on purpose, why are you always on her side?” he will never understand; if anything, his crew should side with him always. loyalty above all else, after all. there’s no legitimate reason for why you and kid are always at each other’s throats — it’s probably because you’re more alike than you think and your stubbornness always clashes with his; he’s also controlling and bossy, pigheaded and a pain in your ass.

and yet, there you are, sighing in defeat as you press your face into your pillow and try not to scream.

the funny thing is, as much as you both like to deny it, everyone can see that this is pent up sexual frustration that will implode sooner rather than later. kid would rather gut himself than admit that he likes you, would rather swallow nails for ninety days before confessing to you first. similarly, you hate the idea of him having this sort of power over you — that’s what you tell yourself anyway; if he knew how much you liked him, then you’d never hear the end of it.

his ego knows no bounds and you don’t know if you’d be able to tolerate him being that smug around you.

still, you’re sorely tempted to just tell him and get it off your chest; maybe if he sees where you were coming from, then he’ll ease up. you doubt it, though. while you’re not oblivious to the heated looks that kid gives you, if you give into that desire, there’s no coming back from it unscathed.

your poor battered heart can only take so much, you need to protect it from men like him — men who come in like storms, wrecking your life without remorse.

killer’s lecture only pisses kid off even more, but his best friend has never steered him wrong, so he takes his advice seriously. his issue with you is so painfully simple that if you knew you’d make fun of him forever — at least, that’s what he thinks anyway.

his attraction to you has only grown stronger over the years and you have an iron grip on him without even realizing. he fucks other people to get you out of his head and it only gets worse. you tried your best to flirt around in the hopes of finding someone to take your mind off him, but everyone you meet pales in comparison.

there’s never anything wrong with them — they’re just, so nice, so… tame. and you hate that kid has gotten you accustomed to a certain kind of chaos that you crave without meaning to. you know that you’re much too intense for just anyone to handle, so you don’t try that hard anymore. for some reason, this pleases kid more than it should. he actively sabotages anyone’s interest in you for the sole purpose of keeping you to himself, all without telling you, of course.

killer wants to tell you to wise up about kid, but knows that it’s not worth it; you won’t listen to reason anyway, will you?

you like to lie to yourself and say that you hate him, but you know you don’t. and kid doesn’t want to admit that part of the reason why he likes you so much is because you’re dismissive around him and are one of the few people who dares to talk back to him. he likes that part of you so much that he’s sure it’s an unhealthy obsession at this point — hence why he’s always acting out whenever you’re nearby.

you know you should just let it go, try to find a middle ground with him — and he keeps telling himself that if he fucks you once, maybe you’ll calm down and stop nagging him so much.

one can only hope, right?

after docking the ship on a small island, you take to exploring around the closest town. the others follow kid to a pub and drink heavily. because it’s packed inside, kid opts to finish his drink outside, where the breeze caresses his skin gently; he finds solace in the cool evening temperature and almost heads back in when he hears laughter.

a few feet away, you’re standing with an unknown man — a civilian from town, most likely — smiling like a mischievous cat, batting your eyelashes and touching his arm every so often. kid narrows his eyes, jaw clenched as he finishes his drink, his anger steadily rising at the sight.

you’re in the middle of accepting a date, when kid calls your name out. loudly.

you try to ignore him, but you know that he’ll only be tempted to do something outrageous so you apologize to the stranger and stomp over to your nosy ass captain.

“what do you want now? can’t you see i’m busy.” your face is flushed from embarrassment — and the stranger leaves once he sees the fierce look kid gives him from over your head — and anger, a deadly combination that makes you look every bit as cute as you are alluring.

he wishes you’d stop being attractive so he can get over you quickly; but yet there you are, fussing at him without a care in the world. your lack of fear only makes him want you more. he licks his lips and motions for you to follow him back to the ship.

“i’m not going anywhere,” you say, holding your ground and not moving an inch.

kid swivels on his heels and his audacity reaches new bounds when he says, “either you walk on your own or i carry you. either way, you’re getting back on the fucking ship.”

something about that stirs something forbidden inside of you, a wicked heat that makes you squirm a bit under his gaze. if you don’t comply that’ll complicate things, but if you do that’ll only mean you’re giving in to his demands and you don’t want that.

right?

lips parted, an argument rolls onto your tongue, but he grabs your face roughly with his hand and stops you from saying another word. “i’m serious.” and you know he is. you swallow hard and nod, following after him quietly, heart beating much too fast. you tell yourself you’ll make it out of this in one piece, but you make the mistake of following kid back to his room, all of your self-preservation thrown out of the window when you close the door behind you and sigh.

kid’s anger nearly blinds him; he didn’t think he’d ever be that jealous, but he saw the way your soft features were illuminated in the moonlight, and it became painfully obvious that he wanted you to look at him like that too. but, again, stubbornness and cowardice work in tandem, making it easy for him to avoid that sort of vulnerability for the time being.

“you can’t keep bossing me around, you don’t get to tell me what to do,” your words come out sharp, but your voice lowers when he steps closer to you and backs you against the door. “you also can’t get jealous because you and i aren’t dating.” this is the first time you’ve actually said that out loud to him; he considers your words, but only chuckles darkly in response.

“and that’s where you’re wrong.”

you stare at him, wide-eyed; what an impossible man. whatever residual irritation you have steadily dissipates, as you try to tell yourself that fucking eustass kid will only bring you more headaches. but then he pushes his leg in between yours, and then you’re leaning into him, back arching, chest heaving the moment he kisses you.

there’s nothing delicate about the way kid handles you; with brutish strength, he rips through most of your clothes, laughing when you shriek and chastise him over it. he kisses you repeatedly, tongue swiping against yours playfully as he grabs your ass. heat courses through your body viciously, making you pull away so you can unbuckle and unzip his pants, stroking his stiff cock without prompting, admiring the length and thickness.

this man will be the death of you, that much is certain. but you’re going to enjoy the ride the entire time regardless.

you sink to your knees, the wooden floor cool against your skin. you run your tongue along the length of his cock, soft hands massaging his balls with skill and ease. kid fights to not moan your name, instead opting to tug on your hair roughly. “stop teasing me,” he says in a low, gravelly voice, lust fueling his thoughts and actions.

he’s trying to be considerate, but at the pace you’ve set, he has half a mind to just take over; but he lets you have the reigns briefly, watching you with half-lidded eyes, tongue gliding along his bottom lip as you suck on the thick head of his cock.

“fuck.”

you take that as confirmation to continue, looking up at him, desire burning through you as you open your mouth and slacken your jaw to take in more of him. whatever you can’t fit in your mouth, you compensate by using your hands. his hips jerk forward, and he braces his heavy, mechanical arm against the door, while his other hand grabs onto your hair and tugs you off him.

“make it sloppy,” he says roughly, and you squeeze your thighs together, plush lips parted as you exhale deeply. you know better than to disobey that command, so you give him what he wants, bobbing your head up and down his cock, hands twisting and pumping around the base. your saliva coats his length and he sucks in a harsh breath when you moan and suck on his tip, persistent and playful.

he ends up thrusting into your mouth, cock gliding further down your throat with his help. you let him fuck your face, his groans loud, vibrating along your skin, making your pussy slick with your arousal. his hips jerk forward, his breathing uneven as you hold onto his thighs for support. if he doesn’t fuck you soon, you might pass out honestly. he knows if he continues, he’ll only end up cumming in your mouth and he doesn’t want that just yet.

when he tosses you onto the bed, you get on all fours, tempting him with your ass — that he’s admired for far longer than necessary — you look over your shoulder at him, lips swollen from his kisses. he thinks you look pretty like that, a dazed look on your face, insatiable in your desire for him. he’s in the same exact boat as you, muscles tensing as he pulls the rest of his clothes off.

you shiver slightly, rub your lips together and let out a shrill whimper when he licks along your slit, your arousal dripping onto his tongue once it slides in between your folds. you don’t think you’ve ever had someone taste you like that — like you’re a coveted fruit, like you’ll disappear if he doesn’t devour you whole right now. kid eats your pussy with fervor, leaving open-mouthed kisses and slurping messily.

grabbing at the bed sheets, you make an attempt to shift away from him, but he holds you steady, tongue circling dangerously around your throbbing clit. you yelp, cry out loudly, and beg for more.

he hums absently, before he slides a thick finger inside of you, pumping it in and out, watching as you fuck yourself against his hand once he inserts another finger. he scissors them recklessly, and you shamelessly buck against him before he swaps his fingers for his tongue.

“yes, fuck, right there,” you chant, breathing erratic as you chase the high that kid is dangling right in front of you. he’s barely holding on himself, but he has a point to prove. he swipes at your clit again, flicking his tongue against it before sucking on it hard. a flash of white blinds you, and when you cum forcefully enough to make you slump over.

still, kid’s not done with you.

he admires all the marks he’s left along your thighs and ass, smiling to himself haughtily. you know he’s probably grinning like a fool right now and you don’t even care to argue with him about it. you rub your ass against his cock once before he thrusts his cock inside of you; he grants you a bit of mercy, pausing so you can adjust to his girth before snapping his hips forward and fucking you at a merciless pace.

with a hand on your back, kid bucks his hips roughly against yours; your thighs tremble and your voice grows hoarse from how loud you’re moaning for him. the walls in the rooms aren’t thick, so no doubt some of your crew mates have heard you already — not that you care about any of that right now anyway.

his balls slap against you with each stroke, his cock burrowing deeper inside your cunt without remorse. he grabs you by the back of your hair and pulls you flush against his chest, back arching as he powers into you with short, frenzied thrusts. your pussy is soft and warm around him, making him think irrational, impossible things — making him want to be different with you.

the pads of his fingers are rough when they rub against your clit, and he wraps an arm around you to keep you close as he fucks you faster. sweat pools at your temples, the room is hot but not uncomfortable. he pushes you down onto the bed, pulling out of you momentarily and panting lightly. when he enters you again this time, he plunges in deep enough to have you babbling incoherently as tears glide down your round cheeks.

he laughs at your whimpering. “big baby,” he says teasingly, the taunt dark with intent. “all that mouth but you can’t take my cock, what a damn shame.” you know he’s joking, but your face burns with shame anyway.

“shut up,” you manage to say with great difficulty, moaning shamelessly as he rolls his hips against yours. kid presses a kiss to the side of your neck, and you’re surprisingly okay with the intimacy — and he is too.

strange. very, very strange.

it’s when he angles his cock like that that you cum again, clenching around his girth, holding him hostage as his thrusts become sloppier and frenetic. there’s a feral possessiveness that he exudes when he rolls you onto your back and throws your legs over his shoulders. you barely have the strength, but you do your best to keep up, hips lifting to meet his menacing strokes, pussy squelching loudly.

his bed sheets are soaked, but he doesn’t care; all he cares about is this. you. he realizes that now — very belatedly, but still. he finds himself tipping over the edge when you lean up to kiss him sweetly, almost affectionately. he meant to pull out so he could cum on your stomach and thighs but doesn’t, he cums inside you instead.

it’s thick and hot, you whimper against his lips pathetically, nails clawing along his back, head spinning from the intense way he fucked you.

after a minute or so, he pulls out and clarity hits him. you look over at him as he stretches out on his large bed, lazy like a mountain lion, eyes closed briefly. you wonder if this is where you get kicked out and you dread the walk back to your room — especially since kid rudely ruined your clothes. he feels you shift on the bed, arms and legs shaky as you sit up. he frowns, not liking the idea of you leaving and grabs onto your arm, tugging you towards him gently.

although with a man as large as him, his idea of gentle is different than most. you find yourself laying on top of his chest, confused but also content, smiling secretly as you duck your head to avoid his gaze. he plays with your hair before yawning.

“i was going to—”

he pulls you closer and you clamp your lips together, afraid of saying anything else that might disrupt whatever peace has settled between you two.

kid hesitates only for a moment before saying, “stay.” it’s almost cute, the way he’s suddenly very demure, as if the idea of asking anyone to stay over has never occurred to him. but he knows that if he lets you leave, then things might go back to normal, and he doesn’t want that.

not that he knows what he wants exactly, but that’s beside the point. he’ll figure it out in due time, but for now, he’ll enjoy having your body next to his.

#finally finally done #fic request #milestone event #500+ followers event #🍭✨🍨sticky & sweet event🧁✨🍭#one piece smut #one piece x reader #one piece x y/n #eustass kid smut #eustass kid x reader #eustass kid x y/n #kidd x reader #kidd x y/n #one piece angst #one piece fluff #eustass kid angst #eustass kid fluff #eustass kidd smut

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mkuliatruther · 5 months

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MK's (and MKulia's) odds according to EP9-13 leaks. (Spoilers, obvi.)

hey all! i have too many thoughts and instead of going on a long ramble on my priv i thought i could.. y'know.. actually share my thoughts for once! i'm gonna say this right now that my thoughts may leave a rather negative tongue, so if mkulia (or mk!) is ur comfort and u don't wanna hear anything bad i suggest not reading this!! without further ado, time to ramble!

in EP12 we see caleb:

and in EP11 we see wayne and raj's clothes:

and going back to EP10's description, both julia and priya are mentioned:

AS FAR AS EP9 GOES, this leaves: raj | wayne | julia | MK | caleb | priya | damien MK is not mentioned nor seen. at all. and yes, raj is left up in the air as well but at least there is higher hopes for our silly guy. there has been the popular theory of "well, raj may have given wayne his hoodie to remember him!" but... i think the odds of that are low? raj gifting wayne something before getting eliminated is very plausible, but i see no reason as to why he'd give away his hoodie to him? i feel like if that was the case he would have given wayne something else IMO. even if we don't take it at full face value, there's still a very low chance that MK's safe from elimination (and she'd probably be safe for like another 2 episodes if she were to be safe EP9. the odds of her being a finalist are also incredibly low). after being outed as a cheater, she hasn't been doing all that well in challenges either and since EP9's challenge has to do something with breaking objects, i can only imagine how well she'd do with that. and MKulia can make their alliance not-so-obvious-and-not-so-strong for so long. people are gonna want to break them up. now let's say MK's out EP9. this leaves both priya and julia as the only female contestants remaining in the game. and assuming they're going to add a female finalist it's going to be julia. and ALSO assuming we're going to get helpers for the finale, we MAY get more mkulia content. it's not that bad! may i also add EP9's title is 'Breaking Up Is Hard To Do' while yes this is about prileb, this could also be about mkulia. with mk getting eliminated, julia has to deal with fighting on her own. and we know very well that julia cares for MK, platonic or not. So what does this mean for MKulia? people fail to realize what mk getting eliminated means. we get to see how julia deals with it (unless she just moves on and doesn't care like what priya kind of did when millie got eliminated ... i'd cry.)

plus, if MK does get eliminated next episode we'll have more MKulia content in EP9 without a doubt. there's still so many questions left unanswered and i'm sure those will be resolved before MK goes home. and honestly, i have high hopes. i think MKulia will end off on a sweet note. do i think we'll get canon MKulia? absolutely not. it'd be really nice, but i doubt it. at best, it'll probably be up to viewers interpretation whether or not julia's care for MK comes from a romantic or platonic standpoint. i think that's how far we're going to get. calling it queer bait is a little bit of an exaggeration IMO, then again i am very picky with the fandoms i am in so i don't really know what it's like to ship something that is possibly queerbait. we just gotta buckle up and endure whatever BS will get thrown at us MKulia nation. o7

and hopefully i am very wrong about this. i have extremely low expectations so i can be happy if im wrong LMFAO!!

#mkulia #tdi 2023 #tdi julia #tdi mk #td mkulia #tdi reboot #im so normal #rambles

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orangepanic · 2 months

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I'm probably going to regret this later.

I had a good friend say to me recently that she's not reading any more books by white men. Clearly she was looking for congratulations. Instead, all I could feel was sadness.

To me, the point of pushing for diversity and representation in media is exactly that. Diversity, and not just to put points on a scoreboard or get kudos from your socially-minded friends but because you actually care about broadening your mind. For too long, too few people's perspectives and experiences have been overrepresented in history and popular culture, which limits our thinking and perpetuates the kinds of marginalization and discrimination that hurt society as a whole. We need to actively, aggressively correct that. But to me that means a process that is additive, not subtractive.

Add books to your reading list by people from different backgrounds and cultures, or that center characters who aren't like you. And "aren't like you" should be broad. Read a different genre than you'd normally pick up. Read about somebody older or younger than you, someone whose brain works differently, or someone who grew up in a different part of the country, even if they might look like you on the outside. Do this, but don't only do this to the point that reading becomes a chore or a performative action, or to the point where you're now cutting out other perspectives entirely. I hear so many sad stories these days about how little people read, and I think part of that is because there's been a push for reading as a requirement, as education, and that only certain kinds of books are okay to read because they contribute to this goal. That's such crap. Read what you want because it is fun! But then also add to that experience with new, different books. You never know what else you might like (looking at you, native Hawaiian vampire story). Growing your reading pie isn't about "no more of this" but "yes, more of that."

And the same can be said for fandom. Fandom has always been as space for people to explore different kinds of characterizations and relationships that aren't heavily reflected in popular culture. That's largely why we have transformative works. But lately I see this almost puritanical push in fandom for everything to check certain boxes when the whole point of fandom and fan creations is to make shit up. Don't see enough hairy-chested mlm werewolves on screen? Draw your favs as hairy gay werewolves who kiss! And if you've never thought about your OTP as werewolves, be open-minded enough to explore it, or to read someone else exploring it just to see how it is and stretch your brain a bit. Maybe you'll like it, or learn about werewolves. Maybe you'll hate it. Either way, support each other.

And like the books, this process should be additive. Push yourself to be open to more ships and interpretations of characters and canon. Also, curate your fandom experience, and if you explore something and it isn't for you, that's okay. It's for somebody else. And the fact that it contains no werewolves doesn't make it wrong, or boring, or toxic, or anti-werewolf, or something you need to tell the creator not to make anymore because you want to be seen in online spaces as coming out against what is unpopular so that you, by reflection, will look popular. If you do this you're looking for the fandom equivalent of kudos for saying you'll never read a book by a white man, leaving everything from Neil Gaiman to Tolkien on the table and thinking that makes you look progressive instead of sad and small and like you're trying desperately to sit at the right table in middle school. In short, fandom isn't a zero sum game any more than reading is. And real diversity in fandom means adding in the content and perspectives and characters we're missing, both on and off-screen, (and not just the ones you like, but the ones you might not) as well as not weeding out the ones that we already have. We can have more together, not less.

#rant #will probably delete this #but arggh

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katyspersonal · 1 year

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Fandomry tips on hcs.

I've met another user that was afraid to share their cool Maria story ideas out of fear that they'll get shunned as "hating masculine lesbians", so, just a few things:

1) No matter how popular a headcanon is, it doesn't become canon. Fandoms do not abide by majority rule in which you could never have an unpopular idea.

2) With LGBT+ headcanons, the less you justify them - the better. The rude minority might think that Maria "has" to be a lesbian because her hunter outfit resembles male Knight garb and she cares about a female friend, and everyone who disagrees "lack media literacy" and "has bias". What is it trying to say? That bi or straight women could not look masculine? That the only reason a woman would ever dress masculine is to be the 'man' for her femme? Or that women could not care about other women deeply unless they're attracted to them? Even "historical accuracy" excuse is obsolete, because Bloodborne clearly doesn't abide by real world's history Victorian antics. Female vicars/doctors/hunters and people of color being equal to white people is a dead give-away to that.

It is even more confusing with Malenia, who doesn't even look masculine. Not feminine, either. She looks like 'just a person'. So what makes her "canonically a lesbian"? The fact that she is a strong fearsome warrior? Why? Because bi or straight women would not fight but instead latch onto some guy to protect them...?

You see what I mean. Justifications for why an interpretation HAS to be one thing and not the other only make things worse and push people into very narrow, at times outright offensive stereotypes. 'She is this because I think so' is a good enough reason - and that's where you can see that someone else's thoughts will be JUST as valid!

3) Headcanons and fandomry are not activism. No minority will be effected just because in some fandom people ship some character in some ship. EVER. These things are for FUN, lesbians aren't fairies within which one dies every time you say "I don't headcanon X character as a lesbian". What do you think will happen if many, or even majority of people like bi (or even straight) headcanon instead of lesbian? A life essence of a whole demographics will be dried out?

4) "It is not that hard" is not an argument. It is never anyone's business why someone would deny a very inviting opportunity for a headcanon. Freedom and autonomy is the VERY base of having fun in the fandom. In fact, very often, it is this same toxic attitude what makes average users NOT want to celebrate a strong female character as a lesbian. Because they feel like they had no choice! And many people possess contradictory spirit, that might make them choose something as affirmation that they won't be mocked into thinking a certain way.

_______________

Honestly, it is NOT okay that here and there people have to feel afraid to do something as innocent as to share their ideas, and might just end up leaving an interesting character aside because loud and rude people scared them away. Do not let a character you like get "claimed" by some group just because they were the meanest, do not hide your awesome ideas but instead post them and TAG them. Fandoms are free spaces, not a middle school where the popular girls set the trends and decide who gets to be bullied.

And if some people can no longer enjoy a fandom or a character because other people got a different headcanon? Well, then they were not built to be in fandom spaces to begin with.

#fandomry rambles #bloodborne #lady maria of the astral clocktower #elden ring #malenia blade of miquella #i mean what i saw yesterday was not as bad as a pointer from a friend regarding 'shipped with a man'#but it still was bothersome #naturally all this applies to MLM enjoyers that hiss at every woman in 10 yards distance from-#-a male character they headcanon as gay #i just do not have consistent examples of that #i know like one person was mad at people not seeing how g3hrman was canonically gay #and even that was half-serious and reaction at haters calling him cishet 'when he loves laurence' xd #really not threatening aura

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autistichalsin · 6 months

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Hi hello good day to you!

First of all, I wanted to thank you for your Halsin analyses, I love them so much! I am so FURIOUS about the fact that Larians literally gave him so much and so little at the same time, that because of the fact that you literally need to dig for the scraps of his personality and story around the whole game to understand him (which most of the players don't want to do and even those who like him mostly romance him for the opportunity of the "threesome" or just his romance scene and I've even seen people who say that he has anger issues because of his actions towards goblins), while other characters speak of this more freely and because of that I think he is highly mistreated by the fandom. I love this man with my whole heart and want him to be as happy as possible and it's very good to know that there are people in the fandom who think as me so

THANK YOU!!!

Second of all, I wanted to ask, what do you think about the Halsin/Astarion and/or Halsin/Tav/Astarion pairings in the fandom? Because for me they feel a bit... Uncomfortable.

I can be mistaken, because I haven't romanced Astarion (I have yet to finish my first playthrough where my Tav romances Halsin solely), but if I'm not mistaken Astarion "allows" you to have a side-relationship with Halsin and then says something like "it's not because we haven't had sex in some time, right?" It's as if he's afraid you will leave him for Halsin if he doesn't give you his permission himself and that makes me very uncomfortable about those ships. Like, yeah, Halsin has some lines about how attractive Astarion is to him, but Astarion doesn't seem very fond of Halsin.

And I understand fully that people may (and will) ship whatever they want, but I still feel very uneasy when I see Halsin/Tav/Astarion on my feed and think of these facts

Hope you have a nice day!

Hello hello! Thank you so much- that is so kind of you to say and so wonderful to hear It makes me happy. And I agree Larian should have given us more. I will say though that I don't feel like I'm digging at scraps. Instead, I feel more like I'm connecting puzzle pieces that were scattered in boxes for other puzzles. And you realize that together, they would actually make their own gorgeous picture, but instead, they're buried in places most won't see them. They're still there- they're just not being united how they should. A lot of the fandom doesn't appreciate him for what he is, but I can and do- and so can you it seems!

I like both ships, actually. I just do in very different ways than the fandom does (different dynamics- a lot of others have Halsin in the role of perpetual caretaker, which doesn't really vibe for me. Not that I have anything against those who do like it that way, but it just doesn't interest me much). I like both pairings in and of themselves.

That interpretation... isn't exactly accurate. It's part of the fandom's pattern of infantilizing Astarion and denying him agency because they fundamentally don't think survivors are capable of making such choices for themselves again. Yes, Astarion does ask if you want this because you haven't had sex; he says this about Mizora as well. But the INSTANT, in either case, that you assure him that's not why, he instantly perks back up, and tells the player he hopes they have/had fun. The devnotes on those scenes specifically say he's being genuine. Astarion truly wants the player to enjoy themselves once he is promised this isn't because they aren't having sex.

The insistence that he can't have really meant it is deeply offensive to me, if I'm honest, because the fandom has a NASTY habit of acting like Astarion can't give consent to anything. I get it, Astarion is everyone's lil meow meows (that's how I am with Halsin!) but there comes a point where the fanon woobiefication gets absolutely infuriating and insulting and infantilizing, especially for a survivor. (This isn't directed at you, by the way, or any one person in the fandom. Just at the trend.) Don't get me started on how people misunderstand what the brothel scene is about, or I'll be here all night.

Whether Astarion is fond of Halsin: is Astarion openly fond of ANYONE? He only seems fond of a romanced player character, and even then, only later on, when they stick with him after the reveal that he was only using them. He's a grumpy, traumatized asshole who doesn't deal with emotions well, and is made deeply uncomfortable by the notions of selflessness and kindness (which Halsin has in spades) because they clash too violently with the framework he built during his time being tortured, raped, and enslaved. Fanfiction is transformative in nature, so really, the question isn't "does canon Astarion show fondness for canon Halsin" (debatable) as much as it is, "could Astarion, under the right circumstances that may or may not happen in canon, find himself feeling fondness for Halsin?" And that one, to me, is a resounding yes.

We already see Halsin showing a great amount of kindness and compassion for Astarion. We know that in canon, this is a turn-off for him, as it makes him feel weak and vulnerable. But what about under other circumstances? What if Astarion discarded those fears, or what if Tav showed him how to let his guard down just enough to trust that Halsin didn't mean him harm?

If you don't personally like the ship for the reasons you listed, that is absolutely your right- no one has to ship anything. But I'm not in the camp who thinks Astarion dislikes Halsin- or, even if he did, that that would be a reason not to ship them.

To me, Halsin and Astarion represent the concept of two survivors of severe, repeated trauma, who are currently coping in opposite yet equally unhealthy ways. Astarion is on the path to furthering the cycle of abuse, to being so consumed at his anger at being hurt by Others that he can't distinguish between the Other who hurt him and the Other who didn't, anymore, and he wants all of them to feel pain indiscriminately. 7,000 innocent lives don't matter to him because he wants his own pain to stop. It's a person whose mental growth was arrested prematurely by trauma. On the other hand, you have Halsin, who was pushed into a subservient role by both his trauma and what came after. He doesn't allow himself to truly feel any pain at all, because Others need him, and that would be Selfish, and he has to be Okay at all time to help Others. He becomes self-negating from his combination of traumas, so dedicated to breaking the cycle of abuse that he... almost seems to join it against himself, not allowing himself a release, not taking care of himself well, letting himself be isolated.

Halsin and Astarion as a ship represent healing. They represent the idea of needing someone opposite yourself to balance out your worst traits. Halsin could teach Astarion to embrace kindness again; Astarion could teach Halsin that you don't have to sacrifice your entire self to be a "good guy." Halsin could show Astarion that others matter just as much as himself, while Astarion could show Halsin that he matters just as much as others. Sometimes, you just need someone diametrically opposed to yourself to bring out the best version of you, I think.

(Ironically, as I write all of this, Astarion/Halsin isn't even my favorite Halsin ship; my favorite two are Halsin/Karlach and Halsin/my Dark Urge, LOL. But I can appreciate the ship's best qualities.)

Thank you again for your message! I hope this is an acceptable answer.

#halsin #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #halstarion

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