#so im fucking dissociated lmfao

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

How does it feel to other systems when they switch? Here's some of our switching sensations:

Feeling like being thrown around inside our body like riding a roller coaster

Feeling like one of us dissolves into nothing and another person takes over the body (possession)

Suddenly feeling like having stepped into a foreign body

Forgetting "who we are" and feeling like we are an imposter trying to act like someone we aren't

Feeling like we are still a child trapped in our traumatic environment (flashback)

Not noticing for awhile until something/someone makes us think about it (like individual quirks, likes/dislikes, dysphoria, ect.)

Just some I thought of of the top of my head. We are still discovering more about ourselves and realising that what we are dealing with isn't normal and that we are indeed severely mentally ill. Awkward lol

#i think sof is co-con or co-fronting rn #so im fucking dissociated lmfao #wild feeling #actually cdd #actuallycdd #actually did #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #actually osdd #actuallypdid #actually pdid #actually udd #actuallyudd #actuallyddnos #actually ddnos #cdd stuff #did stuff #pdid stuff #levi.speaking #my.posts

[piplupod]

thank god i don't have to have my camera on for this class very often bc i am absolutely fuming and literally tearing up bc i am so upset and angry at these education resources for this stupid fucking class, it's about "self management" and "office etiquette" and theyre just so fucking shitty and stupid and awful. like. really fucking ableist and i know that's obvious but jesus christ. it's all such bullshit. i hate offices so much.

#let me just strip you of every ounce of personality and individuality so you become our perfect little drone!!! #no need for emotions here! if someone is being negative to you - just ignore it! don't be upset about it :) #make sure you make eye contact and read nonverbal cues! everyone can do that sooooo easily! shouldnt be a problem for our drones! #any body modifications relevant to your culture! cover those up! once again - zero individuality is allowed here! #you have to be the human personification of the colour white :) no no not beige. that's too racially significant! we must ALL be white :) #but we LOOOOVE diversity here and celebrate it! just as long as you are NT cishet white and boring :) #i'm so . fucking angry fhsdgdsgjkl nothing makes me upset faster than office etiquette bullshit fsdjgjkl #i want to leave class for the day so bad so i can go cry #i've already gotten today's assignment done anyways lol i finished it off before class even started #but. gotta keep up appearances. im trying to stay a day head #*a day ahead #but fhsdgjkl tomorrow's is the really shitty ableist assignments so fuck me i guess #i need to just dissociate hardcore and let my brain go into society drone-mode but god. it is very upsetting to do that #but this work needs to be done fhsdghsdghjkl fucking hell it is literally upsetting and potentially triggering to do this shit #because this like. relates back to some specific trauma and abuse i've gone through lmfao. #i wish i'd stayed dormant longer jsdjfkl #Nine would've hated this and Cal would've been upset but i think they'd be able to do it better than i can #especially Nine because he gets so angry JFSDFJKL he just powers through it so it gets done faster #okay im being embarrassing now sorry fsdfkl i will shut up and go attempt to work on this bullshit #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[jasongraceenthusiast]

im so tired i just want to go home

#ive been doing this for so fucking long. #i havent lived at home for over two years #i havent even visited home for over a year #i just want to talk to my friends on here and actually talk to GOOD PEOPLE. #i get bullied every fucking day and im such a fucking target #my room got fucking trashed by someone who was supposed to be my best friend #and what a surprise! they were active in syscord LMFAOOO #‘ur almost 18 soon ur going to have to start deciding things for ur own’ until its the fact im deciding to go home once i turn 18 #i hate my fucking life #my only reason for doing this still is so i can go home #but its so much fucking work #im so fucking tired #is this shit even worth it #<- #tw sui #all i do is be there for everyone else but everytime i try to take care of myself smth gets in the fucking eat #*way lol #whether it be myself or someone else #i never get a moment of peace #genuinely what did i do to deserve this #and on top of that i have chronic dissociation! #im sorry for the long vent lmfao #vent

[tsurugis]

my ass cant fucking sleep because i think my brain is coming to terms with the fact that i cant ignore i might have cancer back lol last thing i want is to find out for sure but here we fucking are

#its just fucking funny because i finally dont want to die after a lifetime of suicidal ideation but i might fucking die of cancer anyways :) #ive just been so tired and done for so long now though i havent been able to feel like im really living and if cancer is back it will only #go downhill and any chance to live better is already gone haha #i keep thinking i at least want to finish these crappy books and have them somewhere if they might ever mean something to someone who can #relate and enjoy them in a meaningful way but that easily may never happen big sad lmaoooo #i was spacing out about it all day then finally cried about it in the evening but then my ass had a MASSIVE dissociative full on passing out #hyperventilating panic attack over feeling like ive run away from my brother and sister because i started to feel something about that i #apparently cant normally face that i cant articulate or fully remember and im just feeling fucked up ladssssss #not panic attack more crying breakdown but i hyperventilate horribly from trying to stop the sobbing because its too fucking much lmfao #turns into im gonna get wrecked dying animal panic fucking bullshit because im fuckkklkkedjdjdk #ki rambling

[kindlespark]

this is gonna be SO long and rambly sorry anyway i saw a post abt how babel does queer characters and it got me thinking abt why the tropes it uses would usually turn me off other stories but didn’t here

MAJOR BABEL SPOILERS //

i feel like i’d be more mad abt how robinramy ended up in babel if it marketed itself as queer lit at all or if its fans were going “WOW AMAZING QUEER REP” abt it. but no one told me any of that, so finding out they were gay was just a fun little bonus surprise to me. i get why ppl are eh abt robinramy not getting together/technically still being subtext (which i dont think is really true btw like the book literally says “robin was falling in love” but idk i guess if you were stupid you might’ve assumed that it was falling in love with oxford given how romantic some of the other language is (WHICH IS ALSO THE POINT bc i think robin’s friendship with ramy blurring into romance is why he romanticised like all his friendships/experiences in oxford BUT IM GETTING OFF-TOPIC)). i just think robin’s repression abt being gay was intrinsically tied to his attitudes on imperialism (wrt refusing to acknowledge anything that complicated his life until it was too late) and i don’t consider it a cop out or queerbait. like i genuinely don’t think robinramy could ever have gotten together without drastic alterations being made in terms of plot and character. plus i think it’s clear that kuang didn’t want to write a story with any kind of focus on romance at all, because it’s not that kind of book. there’s no successful het romance either, so it grates a lot less. the only reason romance is included at all is to show the ways in which white entitlement manifests. so the tragic way robinramy played out just made sense to me.

and i speak as someone who accidentally spoiled myself on You Know What in the middle of reading and i was like ugghh boooo dreading it the whole time expecting to roll my eyes when it happened but then when it did i was like. wow im actually not that mad LMFAO 😭😭😭 actually thematically the book sets it up so well that i believed that this was unfortunately the only way it could’ve gone. babel is about the loss and tragedy and grief that colonised people experience. it’s about the lengths people will go to to uphold empire and the lengths ppl will go to to tear it down like idk 😭 i guess it is bury your gays but it didnt bother me this time because i thought it fit thematically ❤️ i enjoy tragedy as a genre a lot and i would’ve made it gay anyway you know. thanks rf kuang for doing it for me so i didnt have to.

WHICH IS ALL TO SAY that i guess if you’re going into babel for the queer rep without appreciating that the story is fundamentally a tragedy it would feel like it’s just reusing tired tropes….. but i think the choices kuang made were rly deliberate and not in a way that feels like trauma porn or shock value. the book is fundamentally about the struggles of poc so the layer of queerness that was introduced felt like a subtle extension of the experiences of characters of colour in the book, and i enjoyed and related to it as a queer chinese person who kind of realised they had to prioritise their fight for the liberation of poc over queerness mainly because the idea of western queer liberation cannot be dissociated from imperialism and many aspects of homophobia as we know it was an export of christian european empire into our colonised countries in the first place and FUCK THIS IS A WHOLE OTHER TANGENT ABOUT HOW I THINK RAMY AS A CHARACTER IS EMBLEMATIC OF THE TENSION AND STRUGGLE THAT QUEER POC DIASPORA HAVE BETWEEN OUR IDENTITIES GODDAMNIT OK FORGET IT POST CANCELLED i just rly think babel’s handling of queer characters is fine and makes sense and i like it personally and maybe i will make a coherent analysis about it one day but that day is not today byeeeeeee

#/ #// #sam speaks #byeeee ive been trying to type this post for over an hour but i give up #slashes are there bc i dont want it to show up in the main tag it’s rly incoherent and also subjective #babel #babel spoilers

[caffeineandkerosene]

oversharing time!!: so today is a traumatic date for me and i've been like hardcore dissociating all day (which is still better than the usual crying fits i have on this date) and my bf tried to take me out to do things with him to get my mind off shit. which led to me standing in the check-out line of a grocery store like a fucking zombie listening to livin la vida loca on the store's speakers and i was so foggy it sounded like it was coming from like ten different places at once lmao it was wild. then we finally got back home and i IMMEDIATELY violently threw up everywhere lmfao i cant believe i used to like, somewhat function im a fucking mess <333

#im not even upset or anything lmao im just dissociating so hard i feel completely numb like nothing is real im not real

[coexistentialism]

i was curious it you were willing to share how you worked out you had DID and not another dissociative disorder? you talk about the experience differently to what people normally portray and say you generally don't relate to how most people speak about their experiences, so im curious about how you worked out it was a possibility?

(really hoping this doesn't sound like fakeclaiming, that's not at all what I'm trying to do)

No worries, it doesn't sound like fakeclaiming. 👍

Hmmm... This one's hard to answer.

This is mostly speaking from a standpoint of someone who is no longer in an abusive home environment. Although I first started to question it when I was still living with my dad, I don't really have many memories of living there, and I didn't really take it seriously until after moving out.

A LOT of research. An absolute assload of research. Lmfao 😭

Surrounding myself with systems so that I could ask them questions, although this one can also be less helpful and more hurtful. I would stay away from most DID/OSDD-centered Discord servers. I know it sounds weird because I literally own one, but mine is the only good one out there so it's an exception (this is a half-joke 😭)

No, but seriously. A lot of them fucking suck. I have not been in a single good one besides mine throughout my entire years of questioning. This isn't an advertisement to join my server, but yeah 😭

Especially if the server has a lot of minors. It's not a "KiDs ThESe daYS" type of thing, it's more a "a lot of teenagers are highly uneducated about DID and OSDD and many of them tend to gravitate towards the more expected kind of DID presentation, which is. Very unhelpful. For everyone." And other issues too, but yeah, try to stay away from servers with a lot of minors. If you're a minor yourself, I'd say even moreso to try and avoid them if you can.

I recommend the DID/OSDD PsychForums. I still update my own thread every so often. I should've chosen a different username so that I'm not easily noticeable, but I guess it doesn't really matter to me if people figure out what account is mine. It's fairly obvious. If you know and see it, you'll know.

It took me, like, 3 years until I was fully able to really accept that my moods truly are what DID is. It was mostly me asking my therapist a lot "but I'm just always me, I'm always conscious, I'm never just someone else?" And her confirming multiple times that "yes, that is what DID is." Which I know is not very helpful for a lot of people.

I would still be questioning and in doubt if my therapist wasn't able to fully confirm that Yes, These Experiences Really ARE What DID Is.

The hardest part was/is actually trying to relate to the symptoms and such because of how unaware I was/am about my symptoms, and how unrelatable that a lot of the given descriptions of how the symptoms feel for people are.

I have a post in my drafts about what things have helped me and what things have harmed throughout my time questioning, and I'm sure that post would be super helpful when I can finish it one day, might try and see if I can do that later lol

Lots and lots of journaling. It never seems helpful in the moment, but trust me, you will be reading back things you've journaled about and the symptoms will become a lot more apparent.

Just yesterday I was going through my oldest Discord messages between me and an old friend, trying to archive my vents and such mostly, and I was appalled reading how DISTINCTLY different I would be based off of my typing, the things I would talk about, my general personality, and more. I never felt like a different person really, even in these moments when my friends would say I was different, and reading back these messages had me going "who the fuck WAS that HELLO??" 😭

If you use Discord frequently, it can be helpful to look back at old messages and see if you can notice any patterns, or just notice if you're describing any of the symptoms at all. I've been wanting to make a post sharing some of the stuff I've found from old messages where I was perfectly describing things like switching, etc. without even realizing it.

Noticing patterns is the biggest thing. It's the only way I can figure out my alters, is by figuring out patterns of my behaviors, feelings, etc.

It can be easy to dismiss anything and everything as "but that's not DID/not switching/etc. Because (xyz)", but take it from me: no matter how unhelpful you think it is to write something down, do it anyways. Your future self will thank you.

When people told me to try journaling, it frustrated me because I never saw the point because "I always remember the stuff I write down. What's the point? I don't find things I don't remember writing :/" which is still true for the most part, but the thing is, you might write something down and then in the FUTURE read it back and not remember it or not understand it or might notice a pattern, etc. So write shit down! No matter how silly, dumb, unhelpful you think it is.

Also, not sure if this will apply to anyone else, but I sometimes will feel silly/embarrassed/anxious about writing out something, and I have to remind myself that I am the only one who can read these things and I have control over who I may or may not share these things with. If that makes sense? Don't police yourself, kill the cop in your head. Write about anything you want, don't let the cop in your head make you feel cringe or embarrassed or like a bad person for writing certain things. It's okay.

Throw away the community labels. Forget about trying to figure out "do I have OSDD or DID or partial DID or???????-" forget about all of that and just worry about figuring out your experiences.

I wanted to know For Sure whether or not I had DID. I didn't wanna be told "write down your daily symptoms ^w^" I wanted to figure out whether or not I OBJECTIVELY was experiencing the symptoms. At all. Whatsoever. And I didn't know how to do that without having to look super deep trying to see if any of them even applied to me at all in general.

But figuring out your symptoms and experiences is precisely what will help you figure out if you have DID/OSDD.

My dissociative walls have been lessening a lot more precisely because of things like having epiphanies like realizing "oh, I struggle to throw away food when I don't like it/don't want it because growing up I wasn't allowed to jot eat food I didn't want or didn't like and I was shamed for it. I had to go to lengths to hide me trying to discard my food growing up, even going as far as flushing it down the toilet." And then giving myself permission to discard food I don't want and don't like.

Small things like that. Making realizations. They seem unhelpful and dumb in the moment, but they go a long way.

The biggest thing is this: You will figure things out with time. Be patient. Don't push yourself to know everything so soon. I kept expecting myself to have had it "figured it out by now", but it takes time. It takes a lot of time. Time will pass quickly and you will feel as if you made no progress, but time will pass and you will figure out things you didn't realize before.

There's definitely more helpful advice out there, but that's all I got.

People will also say symptom tracking as in "figure out when you dissociate; figure out your flashbacks; etc." But I still don't know how to tell what flashbacks are and I can't tell you if I'm dissociating, so my advice ends here 💀

#my posts #inbox

[piplupod]

a little peeved bc i dont think im stable enough to attend pride and i haven't been to any sort of pride event in like three years or more, and even tho pride here is rly goofy and lackluster, it would still be nice to like... see real ppl and know im not the only queer person in this awful town lol. like i know im not but. u know. its different actually seeing it.

anyways im just peeved w my brain that i cant go bc of a fucked up traumatized organ

#i am !! upset !!! to say the least!!!! #im going to rot away and die here i stg #i have been dissociated off my ass all day and nothing feels real and i've just been sitting and i've barely eaten bc nothing is real #and im so fhdsgsdjfkl endlessly frustrated #why did i almost start crying earlier? WHO KNOWS! brain just decided to be upset! #(probably smth to do w alters but im pretending thats not real bc i dont want to deal w it!!!!!) #anyways. fuck trauma for real lol. this shit sucks and i want out. im done w it. im fuckin tired #life ruining lmfao #vent cw

[meateater-lamb]

im really doing so poorly right now. my health is absolutely trashed n when i try to sleep, sometimes my heart just starts beating out of my chest like its gonna explode and i start getting the sick shakes and get scared to sleep. plus i just cant breathe right ever, and my joints hurt all the time, and i have severe brain fog and keep dissociating. which is whats happening right now lmfao. had a real nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets and corn dogs, and now i feel like i may have made myself legitimately ill. they didnt heat up all the way and i didnt realize until i was already eatin and decided to just keep eating and fuck i regret it. i havr to fucking sleeo cause i gotta go to the dmv but i cant sleep cause my hearts goin nuts and im like violently shaking and im nauseous. FUCK. i cant be sick man, i have so much shit i have to do. fuck.

#vent #moon #no point to this really. just typin to try n keep myself from a panic attack

[girlwithfish]

i feel weird rn just thinking about love n stuff lol. maybe i should just hibernate and neber fall in love or expose myself to that its so messy and ik i probably dated too soon after my ex but thats just what happened so idk lmfao i mean im not.gonna b like lets just be friends to the guy im w cuz i like him a lot. just thinking. found his exs spotify n i wonder about his exs perspective of their breakup and what happened there. and how if she hadnt broken up w him i wouldnt have met him and like he wanted to be w her wanted to marry her all that stuff. and how i wanted to be w my ex and marry him at one point and thought that was my person. and i couldnt be w him bc he was abusive and it was unhealthy for me to stay in that and i would havej ust kept slowly killing myself if i had stayed the distress and pain i was under every single day just from the relationship was so bad for me. and idk i had to force myself to just squash down any gried abt like oh that was the person i trusted and thought i wanted to be w forever bc hes not a safe person for me its not a.normal breakup it was abusive and i use anger to cope w it instead and if im not angry ill be sad and grieve but anger is grief idk so what now. but im mostly angry i dont really get sad over my ex like that bc im angry but rn im just thinking abt how weird it is that like two months ago i thought id be w him forever or i wanted that even though i was delusional. and i guess we just go about life wanting to find that person idk. maybe something biological within us to want a sexual partner and also mostly socially and idk. emotionally idk i want a life partner. i dont think im there yet even though guy im w thinks he loves me which im not so sure about but im trying to go at a pace that feels safe for me and im ok where im at now eben though i still have lots of reservations and freeze up sometimes and dissociate w him at times or if my energy runs out i have to be alone. but i generally like spending time w him a lot and i could tell i was feeling more comfortable the last visit at his place and that scared me i was getting anxiety abt feeling content and safe thats soo fucked up and annoying. anyway just thinking abt exes and past stuff its weird idk he had a whole nine months w this girl i dont know before me and before lots of other relationships. i had a whole two and a half yrs w someone i thought i could trust and was safe and someone who loved me and look how that went. fun stuff

[nightmaredxydreams]

theres no way i have this.

look, heres all the proof you need. im whining about not having DID lmao

who truly has DID and does that? no. body. thats all the proof you need

people who truly dissociate suffer from it. i dont. i love the numbness from my body that experiences so much discomfort (not even chronic pain not even pain like all other DID systems have just fucking discomfort, mostly caused by autism hypersensitivity) i love the feeling of being detached from my own flesh prison ugly undesirable embarassing body. i am fucking faking im prob psycho or sum shit lmaooo

i dont even dissociate that badly. other real DID and even OSDD systems be out here so dissociated they dont even fuckin know their name and feel like nothings real all the time. i never forget my name or personal information, i just forget what i just thought or zone out daydreaming or sum shit and say "whoops! i dissociated sorry" or if im lucky, have few seconds long derealization in little few day long episodes. i dont even fucking dissociate for real. definitely not enough to have DID

i never had severe trauma. i was too disabled and shielded. fuck, the disabilities i was born with prob mimic DID. brain damage to the hippocampus, a majorly affected part of the brain in DID put two and together lmao. who knows how psycho the brain damage made me. im autistic and intellectually disabled, all people with intellectual disability are perverts they get arrested for sex crimes more than other people lmfao ofc i was hypersexual at 3 there was no sexual abuse i am too ugly to be sexually abused or even desired ofc im faking being sexually abused to make me feel better about myself lmfaooo i just cant live with the fact i was born a worthless undesirable unfuckable ugly pervert

if i had DID i wouldnt fucking remember when i was 3 who tf u kiddin

im sensitive to yelling and the least little "threatening" tone or touch or even fucking hand signal. if i was really sexually abused id be triggered by sexual shit, not the least little thing like a trauma free scared little baby

if i had DID id switch out more, especially when triggered or in situations where it would help. idk if i even switch out, i prob js fall asleep, wake up and do shit in the early stages of waking up i dont remember. instead my alters are just back there and do nothing when im being retraumatized and i have to call out mentally loudly to get any alters to respond anymore. then just trying to communicate with them gives me a headache from hell. proof enough my alters are delusions and im some psycho. most of my "alters" are just vague faces with voices and not much of identity. most of them fade away. just like delusions.

i feel like im worthless unless i was sexually abused. my whole worth depends on it for some fucked up reason. i will get defensive toward the two people i live with who say it didnt happen, they arent honest all the time but when they say theres no chance it happened bc i was too shielded even tho i have memories of being alone w him (no abuse memories bc fuck no) i believe it and feel iffy when i even wonder if i was sexually abused. when i think about any other form of abuse i suffered or trauma i have, i feel like that means i wasnt sexually abused. i have no memories of it, i never did until someone pointed out that my hypersexuality at 3 was a sign of sexual abuse so i went diving for the memories myself. then what i got were a few random half ass flashbacks to the sexual abuse. if i was really sexually abused i wouldve had flashbacks to it waaay before i made myself remember. everyone else with ptsd, did osdd etc does

other people with DID feel broken and suffer because of their trauma. they remember it somehow and suffer from the effects of it. i just suffer from wanting to have the trauma to be valid, not knowing if the trauma happened and having things trauma victims have but no memories of the trauma. the only flashbacks i have are to things i deserve, things that other people would agree i deserve and arent anywhere near as traumatizing as it can get for a real sexual abuse survivor. things that dont cause DID and rarely cause ptsd. i have cringe ass trauma. i dont have valid trauma.

i dont really have DID and i wasnt sexually abused. i just held onto the idea as an excuse for me being a worthless, born broken, jealous, delusional psycho pervert who will never amount to anything, never matter enough to get a job, marry or have a family, never mattered enough to be smart or do normal kid things because of my disabilities, never got to be cool and wont be, am trying to be cool and matter when i never will, am so ugly my body doesnt deserve love and sure as fuck wasnt sexually desired as a little kid how fucking sick of me to even want that to matter, and dont matter because of my disabilities. im sorry for faking it all. no wonder my denial was so strong, it was never real anyway. now im gonna do some major fucking harm to my ugly waste of space and resources body and kill myself. im fucking sick and tired of living in hell from my own brain torturing me saying im worthless and not valid and more i cant say here. good fucking bye.

#childhood trauma #suicide note ig #attention wh0r3 #tw vent

[sinbrook]

Who is the muscluar big guy from trigun that I keep seeing?

BLESS BLESS BLESS thank you for asking me about Trigun!!

So I think you probably mean Livio?

Livio and Razlo are my BOYS man, they're my guys. OUGH.

Usually I am Not A Fan of characters being added to the main cast super late in the game, but I think him being introduced a little earlier as a villain superrrr helped me accept him as Part of The Gang. Ya know? He's one of my favourite characters and I just adore him. That being said, it's really hard to talk about him without spoilers. Like, really hard. Actually Trigun is hard to talk about without spoilers! So I'm gonna shove this long ramble nobody is gonna read, under a read more. I'm a kind soul, I'm protecting your dash.

Also total warning, this isn't like... legible, this is the worse way to learn about the character cos im just going "wow it was cool when he did this thing... and also this thing... hes so cool i love him" for too many words.

So I'll address his main sort of... thing, first off. So Livio has dissociative identity disorder, and like, for a lot of it, it's quite clear that Nightow didn't exactly go in with a heap of research on the subject. However, I wouldn't call it a negative portrayal at all. Ofc its not really up to me, but like, he wasn't really portrayed as dangerous because of his disorder. He and Wolfwood have the same backstory, they're dangerous because of The Eye of Michael and those dudes have always been explicitly condemned in-narrative as, y'know, the baddies. It's less "he's bad because he's bad" and more "he does these things because he's been conditioned by a cult from a young age to do these things". His disorder is like... not even a factor. The Eye just likes stealing kids and training them for bad stuff, man. And like, you do feel sorry for them. Both Livio and Razlo have been hugely manipulated by Chapel in particular, who positioned himself almost as a father figure, and certainly led them to believe he cares about them. So like, it's not really surprising he does everything he's asked to, he hasn't really had anywhere else he's felt cared for. Anyway I LOVE Livio's intro in the manga. We're told two guys are coming, Livio the Double Fang, and The Tri-p of Death.

Then these two dudes show up:

And like... you make the obvious assumption that those are the guys, ya know? Sure looks double-fangy to me. They're then shown tearing through a bunch of intimidating looking dudes to sort of, hype up how strong they are, right? But nuh cos see.

Livio just comes in and wrecks their shit, picks them both off as though they were nothing.

and to be fair, they are! He's a very high-level eye of Michael dude ya know?

So yeah, that's our introduction to Livio, fantastic way to show that he's just, like, strong as hell. We learn he's joining the Gung-ho Guns, so y'know, oof, he's now in direct opposition to our heroes, supposed to make you nervous and all. Anyway he and Chapel show up every now and then to just be... y'know... annoying. Try and kill him a lil y'know... that sort of thing.

It's these fucked up family reunions that we love ya know. This is totally me at Christmas.

Anyway this time was rlly funny because Elendira rlly said "you three are so annoying pls leave your drama at the door"

And they DID hahaha. I don't blame them, she's scawy.

Anyway what I think I like most about Livio is how like... y'know, sweet he is. He's kinda like Wolfwood in that he's a total sweetheart at his core but life just hasn't let him be sweet, ya know?

When Jasmine was in trouble, baby Wolfwood didn't even hesitate to run out and save her.

And Livio was the same, you know? And after The Couch, Livio even says, he wants to live his life like Wolfwood so like, we've got these two dudes with near identical journeys.

From orphans, to initiates, to assassins, to good guy with a gun lmfao. Despite what Livio does, it's really hard to ever hate him, and Razlo, too is extremely sympathetic...

Like he's got his own motivations and shit he's working through, man.

Anyway I really love during the Elendira fight when hes like, struggling to beat her, how Razlo gives Livio his own sort of hype man experience like the manga flashes back to how hard Livio worked to keep up with Razlo and the Eye, and Razlo is like hyping him up the whole time. It's really nice and wholesome :)

Anyway his journey from emo cult man to himbo cowboy was fantastic and I love Livio so much, he's a sweetheart.

And I loved his appearance at the end of the manga, like, showing he was looking after the orphanage and stuff.

And also this whole scene where he and Vash ate together made me cry.

#this is just rambling this is NOT coherent at all #thank you so much for asking about Trigun tho

[fairycosmos]

tbh after covid i started remembering how shitty the world can rlly be and seeing everyone seemingly stop caring about the lives of others and realizing that we truly are the same human beings that have done torture and world wars and stuff and i feel like its really hard to keep trying to find the goodness in people. but reading ur blog gives me hope that there are still people out there who are gentle and kind or at least well meaning. idk ik that sounds privileged but i think this was my first personal experience w mass tragedy and i didn't realize that you dont rly genuinely know what it's like until you experience it

honestly i don't blame you at all LOL like i basically had the same experience and i think a lot of ppl did, esp young ppl. it was just like idk. the suspicion we had our whole lives that we're surrounded and governed by unempathetic assholes at best and downright heartless lunatics at worst was confirmed in 24K for 2+ yrs straight while the death toll climbed and that was that. it was and is really disillusioning. of course it's privileged to say that, but it's also simply the truth for many. there are tons of nuance-adding factors to covid and the way ppl responded to it but a lot of the behaviour has been straight up fucking unhinged, and just so beyond ignorant lmfao in such a universal way too. nobody has any conception of anyone or anything mattering outside of their own bubble, including me to an extent obviously. it's just jarring as fuck to think we live in that every single day, so cognitively dissociated from it to get by. it's awful, and i agree that it echoes the cruelty of the past in a really uncomfortable way :( the capacity for human maliciousness is truly something else.

anyway, all that to say, it definitely doesn't mean there isn't kindness out there, and in abundance too, it's just a difficult and weird world at the same time. so many conflicting realities all occurring at once, sense is bound to be scarce. thank u lovely!! <3 im beyond glad my blog can give you a bit of comfort while we're living through what seems to be an increasingly ridiculous joke. it does the same for me tbh half the reason i believe in Anything is because of random girl bloggers online. anyway it might be like getting blood out of a stone LOL but i genuinely believe in u. and i think the people we come across are sometimes well meaning, we're just all kind of alienated from one and other too. and i think u can and will find the support system you deserve with time, for real. maybe it's just more of a weeding out the bad sort of process, rather than being able to trust and believe in everyone and everything with freedom, sadly. sending u a lot of love! i know it's hard. don't doom scroll/stay stuck watching the news if you can help it, it just makes things feel heavier for no material change in return for that pain. mwah x

#anon

[sweetestberryofthebunch]

1, 2, 3, 11, 14, 19, 23, 24, 29, 31, 34, 38, 42, 43, and 46. id say im sorry but i am not. i want to know more hehe

Oh sweet JESUS! Everyone will hate you for giving me the opportunity to talk so much lmao Let’s get to it I guess :0

1: What are your comfort characters?

Sally McKenna and Misty Day. Rosa Diaz. Black Widow. Willam in A Star Is Born. Every little bitch from the Hobbit/Lord of the rings. Cheddar the dog and Lil Poundcake.

2: lighter or matches?

Matches!! I have literally lit blunts with a match lmfao

3: do you leave a window open at night?

YES! As Long as possible at least, once we reach huge minus degrees I can’t do that anymore so I leave it open as long as possible and only close right before sleep. I need the air or I can’t sleep that well lmfao.

11: favorite extracurricular activity?

Theater and Choir, I was one of those bitches :3 I also wrote articles for the campus newspaper but that got shut down when I was a junior cause we were only three people left :(

14: do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

YES I live for shit like that. Gimme that earthy smell, I could swim in the mud.

19: imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

I’d paint tiny motifs on them :3

23: how do you feel about chilly weather?

Stunning as long as I can be inside most of the time.

24: if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

Smoke a blunt, you’d have to listen to me info dumping about astronomy and stars. I’d ask you deep questions about your wildest dreams an shit. We could sing some Fleetwood Mac 🥺

29: how do you like your shower water?

Hot hot hot in winter, ice cold after working out or in the summer :3

31: what type of music keeps you grounded?

Not to be a fucking emo but definitely the older twenty one pilots albums 🥺 I have a playlist with songs I can hum when I start to dissociate or have a panic attack coming

34: is there a song you know every word to by heart?

Read U Wrote U

38: a soap bar that smells good?

Lavender or basil!

42: an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

Definitely documents and stardew valley mobile!

43: what’s your take on spicy foods?

I love them in Theorie but I’m a baby so I put lots of cream in to weaken the spice ;-;

45: favorite holiday film?

It’s a Christmas tradition to watch all lord of the rings movies for my dad and I often join.

#fluimogen #games with friends

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

Ngl might write a pissed off rant about endogenics lmfao (ended up doing it already lol enjoy a scatterbrained stream of consciousness). We have been so split on what we think about them, but like... they arent anything even close to what a cdd system is and should just stay tf away from our community. It sounds like some spiritual belief instead and since we don't believe in anything supernatural, we kinda just fucking cringe at it. I should really use *I* pronouns ig but whatever. Like sorry idc if anyone is upset with me not believing in past lives or the multiverse. Im tired of pretending it is fine for some idiot to try to tell me that im from a separate universe and that I had a past life outside this body because im a fictional introject and they think it means im from bbg blorbo planet instead of me being a fragmentation of the mind of a deeply traumatised person who was just trying to survive horrific abuse that an infant, toddler, child or teen can't escape. No your imaginary friend is not the same. The basis of the existence of me is dissociation. An alter is inherently dissociation. It is inherently disordered. I am not my own soul. I am an alter. A part of one person. We are all one single entity. Fucking hell why do I care. Im gonna go to bed

#levi.speaking #my.posts #anti endo #endos dni

[sawch]

IM GOUNG THO THREO UP IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AND STRESSED OUT I WWAER TO GOD IM FOIN THO FUCKING BREAK MY KNUCKLES AGAINST A WOODEN DRESSER TILL THEY BLEED and maybe Ill be alright then.. how do I fix myself what the fuck all I need to do is write a script for my English class ans I need to study a little for my biology class. Why is it so fucking hard I need to scream until my throat tears and bleeds. I need to see my blood so I can calm down and dissociate so I can go on auto pilot and finish these assignments like a naormal person .

I used to cut myself so that I could focus and purge my emotions, I cut myself so I didn't feel stressed out or nauseous. I felt nothing and I could act normal, apart from hiding the evidence that anything happened. I don't know what to do anymore man.. I've been clean for so long but college is really starting to take its toll on me and I don't know how much longer I can handle it before I break.

Wallowing in self pity and hatred atm, lmfao this is what growing up does to a mf

#holy fuck i forgot trigger warnjgs #tw cuts #tw cutting #tw self harm #tw sh #vent