nightmaredxydreams

[nightmaredxydreams]

i don’t know who i am anymore, there’s too many versions of “me”

[nightmaredxydreams]

okay a heavy vent (and anonymous callout) on an ex friend who was very toxic.

not gonna say when i met her for safety reasons. our friendship lasted a little over a year.

for privacy, ill call this friend beth.

when i first met this bitch, i was in a group chat with her. she said she was raped at 9 and was talking about being a "teen mom" from it in a group full of kids as young as 10. she also had an account i knew was hers where she pretended to have a boyfriend, and that was "his account" (for privacy, ill call this fake boyfriend andy.) me and beth were good friends until she liked a nude post. she said she didnt pay attention and just liked posts to like them without paying attention. then there was other toxic shit she did and would claim she didnt remember doing bc of bad memory. she insisted her "boyfriend" (who she made up) ran his own account, but when we exposed her for also being behind his account and him being fake, she insisted he was real and that she ran the account for him. she also said the n word, joked she had the n word pass, joked about suicide and self harm, replaced me with a very toxic person (ill call her olivia) and they both gaslit me into thinking she didnt and i was just being toxic, jealous and obsessive, made a hate group chat about me, and would block me and then say "oh im sorry olivia logged into my account and blocked you." she would also accuse me of doing shit i didnt do and try to fake having whatever mental health symptoms i vented about.

she lied about:

being pregnant at 9 and giving birth at 10 (when we asked why there were no pics of her pregnant she said "bc they circulated around the whole school" and another lameshit excuse)

being adopted

being abused

having diabetes

being in the grippy sock jail

being hospitalized

idk if she lied about being sexually assaulted and raped a lot, she seemed to be obsessed with the subject so idk if i should believe her

she would invalidate my trauma by making up stories just to make me feel bad, she would say she hated boys and men, knowing i was a trans boy who was abused by mostly women and has trauma with women i feel isnt valid. i self harmed for most of last year and had to wear long pants in the summer and have heatstrokes, she was a major reason why. i almost attempted suicide because of her shit. several times. it took every single bit of mental strength in my body to leave the friendship because i have severe attachment issues. im glad i left, bc if i didnt id be dead right now.

#ventcore #vent post #toxic friends #actually bpd #tw csa #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw: victimblaming #tw sui attempt #tw sui implied

[nightmaredxydreams]

i hate it when people tell me to just stop cutting, like bitch its either this or killing myself, you chose

#cvtaddict #cvtt!ng #tw sh related #sh cvt #i want to cvt #cvt #tw self h4rm

[nightmaredxydreams]

its okay to long for, and even cry for, the hero you never had. the one who would have banged the door down, knocked your abusers out, and comforted you. the one you wished for when you were being abused that would have picked you up gently and ran far away from your abusers as possible. the one who would never let you get hurt again.

#childhood trauma #actually cptsd #csa vent #actually traumatized #physical abuse vent #emotional abuse vent

[nightmaredxydreams]

i feel like i have to die to be noticed

[nightmaredxydreams]

#depression #suicide #suicidal #sad #alone #lonely #broken #death #bipolar #dead #sadness #broken heart #blood #depressed

[nightmaredxydreams]

i don’t fucking know how to communicate that i’m feeling neglected and unloved and like i’m the second favorite. like how do you say that without wanting to fucking die.

#vent blog #vent post #bpd #bpd vent #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #actually paranoid #actually avpd #dpd

[nightmaredxydreams]

#actually did #osddid #dissociative identity disorder #actually traumatized #actually cptsd #actually dissociative

[nightmaredxydreams]

#childhood trauma #can relate

[nightmaredxydreams]

any lastborn children here who have been sexually abused? im suffering severe denial rn bc i never see lastborn sexual abuse survivors, most of them ive seen talk about having younger siblings (i also have trauma around bring the youngest, i hated myself for being the youngest for reasons i didnt really know why and now i hate myself for being the youngest bc all csa victims on the internet seem to be firstborn or older siblings) im on the verge of sui rn so any validation is appreciated.

#csa vent

[nightmaredxydreams]

im disgusting!!!

im dirty!!!

im a predator im a predator im a predator

i was born a slut

i wanna cut myself all over!!!

im a slut im a slut im a slut!!!

i am untouchable and fucking ugly because im so fucking dirty and disgusting

theres no way someone would show my body love by breaking its safety walls and violating it just to show me how much they love it and desire it no i am undeserving of love i am undeserving of my boundaries being broken to show love for my body

if i was a victim i wouldnt see that as love id be disgusted by it and disgusted with myself because it happened

im a fucking impostor im a fucking impostor im a fucking ass impostor!!!

im not real!!!

i wanna strangle myself i wanna slice my legs and wrists in half i wanna break all my bones i wanna hang myself i wanna stomp and spit on my fucking grave if im innocent and human enough to die

i wanna kill myself!!! and nobodys gonna stop me!!!

#tw: sex #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw self hate #tw sui vent #tw csa

[nightmaredxydreams]

i hate this. i fucking hate how my trauma, if i really even have any at this point, made me feel.

three and sexually touching dolls and imaginary friends like a fucking born predator instead of myself like a real innocent victim

four and having fucking bodily function fetishes yet being too dumb and retarded to be potty trained

five and having fucking attraction to my alleged sexual abuser and just about anyone else especially females

six and chasing boys in the playground to fucking kiss them like some predator slut

seven and obsessed with having realistic sex with dolls in bed

eight and pretending im pregnant in pretend play

nine and finally being the valid innocent sex repulsed victim... but only for about a year.

ten and relapsing into being a slut again big time and more lesbian than ever

eleven and having the kinks unravel all over again...

twelve and having fetishes for injury and being sick with viruses

thirteen and wanting to be a stripper

fourteen and being a bisexual slut

fifteen and having unhealthy relationships with men where i was groomed but i fucking opened up the door to it and its my fault

sixteen and wanting to fuck or marry every man just to feel like i matter and be better than my able bodied peers

seventeen and going back to drawing porn as a coping mechanism if i even really went through sexual trauma

eighteen and sneaking porn.

nineteen and finding ways to release the sexual tension without anyone knowing all these years later

twenty and feeling like i made it all up just because most of my sexual abusers are female and desperately wanting to be a valid victim

twenty one and realizing i better have sexual trauma or else i fetishized sexual abuse and rape when i was a child for no reason and im a disgusting human being who needs to be sexually abused or else im born broken and worthless

twenty two and crashing in addictive sexual behavior, invalidity, self hate, body image, self harm and suicidal thoughts

why do i wanna be a victim? why am i jealous of real victims? why do i wanna have it happen again, just to have it happen again and act violently when i get sexually assaulted again like i wanted? why do i have these fucking nasty kinks that make me a horrible disgusting person? why am i so broken. i know nothing happened to me or else i wouldnt feel this way. i was born a slut.

im not gonna make it much longer like this.

#vent #ventcore #tw kink #tw: victimblaming #tw sui vent #tw selfhate #tw self harm #tw self destructive behavior

[nightmaredxydreams]

i want someone to hurt me i want someone to be gentle with me i want someone to degrade me i want someone to praise me i want someone to hold me i want people to stop touching me i want to be fucked i want to be loved i want to be left alone i want to be saved i need to be saved i want to be special i want to hurt myself i want to be hurt i want to be destroyed i want to be safe i want to be in danger i want to be dangerous i want to kill i want to be killed i want to be hit i want to be cut i want to explode i want to be okay i want to be okay

#csa victim #csa vent #tw csa #csa survivor #cptsd #actually cptsd #trauma vent #trauma #childhood ptsd #actually traumatized

[nightmaredxydreams]

exactly. my abuser who fucked me up forever was a year younger than me.

"they're a minor" "they're just a kid" being a minor isn't an excuse to abuse and traumatize people, dumbass. you're too focused on the fact that they're a kid and not holding them accountable instead of paying attention to the person who they hurt.

minors are just as capable of abusing other minors and even adults like anyone else. but this shit is always glossed over because "they're just a kid"

and just because someone is older doesn't mean that they're not capable of being abused by someone younger.

#cocsa vent #cocsa victim #csa vent #csa victim #trauma vent #ventcore #angercore #anger vent #traumacore #actually traumatized #actuallytraumatized #tw cocsa #tw csa #tw abuse #abuse #sa vent #sa victim

[nightmaredxydreams]

and every single person i look up to, i wonder how disgusted they would be if they knew, if they knew the things that were done to me and the things i did to survive, i wonder how much they’d hate me if they knew. if they could see my rotting insides, the bugs that eat away at my eyes until everything is dark dark dark. i wonder if they’d wish i’d never been born too.

#csa victim #trauma vent #trauma #childhood ptsd #csa vent #csa survivor #tw csa

[nightmaredxydreams]

all the time...

true story: i was listening to a song about roller skating (something i cant do bc the body is disabled) and felt bad i couldn't and hated myself bc i was disabled, then my brain just busted the Intrusive Thoughts Door ™ down and said "your body is too disabled to be really sexually abused you deserved what happened to you" and i had a full breakdown about thinking i deserved csa bc im disabled

Anyone else have a breakdown about something that doesn’t have to do with CSA but then the breakdown morphs into a breakdown about what happened to you?

#tw csa implied #tw csa #csa vent #trauma vent #actually traumatized #tw csa mention #tw csa vent

[nightmaredxydreams]

i relate. i feel like im a predator when i just look a small child in the eyes or say "hi" to a teen or hug a man

we don't talk about that side of csa trauma of where you are so scared of being a predator everytime you have any type of sex

like i think it is because of how much csa victims are villanize, because if you mention to somebody that someone had any type of sa or csa they inmedietly think "they are going to repeat the cycle"

i thought of this bcs i was again flirting with somebody and my first thought was "omg what if I'M A PREDATOR????" even tho the person is my same age and following with me along and saying they consent to go to the next level like damn💀 internize victim blaming is crazyyyy fr

#csa vent #csa survivor #tw: sex #tw: internalized victimblaming #sa survivor #grooming urvivor #tw: victimblaming