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#broken heart

Living with a broken heart all your life, but not being able to put the pieces together because you can’t remember when it was whole. Everyone can get a piece, but no one knows what it looks like put together and you don’t remember. Nor do they know they simply get a piece.

- Silence is Deadly

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As the sunlight fades and the darkness invades. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever get out of these charades. You filled me with a false sense of reality when In actuality you were waiting for a new me. Your love is like a fruit from a poison tree. every minute without you feels like an eternity. Without you the future is full of uncertainty. I planned my whole life around you. You left without any hesitation or an explanation. That killed me inside. You just cast me aside. Like I’m broken joyride. Now I lay in the curbside putting myself back together again. As the sunlight fades and the darkness invades I can’t help but wonder if you’re memory of me fades. -Prodigal Son

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The ones that you really like. The ones that you will cry the most about when it ends. They don’t look like you think they will. You have this perfect guy in your head. Maybe he’s tall and has dark hair or blue eyes, but when you meet that boy, he won’t be impressive. It’s the boy that looks nothing like your dream boy that will take you by surprise. You’ll catch feeling without realizing it, and when things end, you will feel so fucking defeated, they aren’t even your type. But you liked them more, and the boys that aren’t your type will break your heart the most.

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Fuck is just that, I don’t want to go through this again!

I don’t want to trust someone again just to betray me, leave me alone and prefer bullshit instead of me! I mean look at me! I can barely go with the day to day. I have managed to improve, at least I think so, but damn, every day is a fight against my depression that tells me that I am not worth it, that nobody would want to be with me, that everyone would prefer other things, that I will not be happy with anyone, that everything was my fault, that I’m an idiot … and sometimes I win, but others lose …

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Why?

Why.

Why can’t I think of a way to start this poem that won’t sound desperate, pathetic, or needy.

Why is it that anytime someone says your name I can’t seem to speak anymore?

My mouth shuts down like a broken garage door.

My heart and gut drop to the floor like a bowling ball.

Why is it that anytime I do manage to scratch out your name,

I sound like a whimpering, abandoned dog whose owner has no plans on coming back.

Why.

Why is it that when I hear your name, I don’t feel hate.

Because by all means, I should.

I should burn and tear down and delete all the letters, texts, cards, and presents I ever got from you.

I should scoff and roll my eyes upon hearing your name like everyone else does.

But I don’t.

Why.

Why is it that all I feel is an absence.

A longing for a piece of me that was never really there.

Why does it feel like you carved up my heart and took all the good bits with you?

The trusting parts,

the loving parts.

Now all I have left is this desperate husk of a girl who just wants someone to stay.

Someone to say “I love you,”

And mean it.

To tell me “Please stay alive,”

And mean it.

Why is it that I can’t believe that someone would stay with me.

Why.

Why is it that now my desperate pleads for help and love only drive people away?

Probably because it’s all I talk about now.

Why is it that I can’t hear my brain.

My brain screams to forget, to move on.

To realize that it doesn’t matter.

Why do I let myself listen to this toxic mud that I now call my heart?

Why can’t I use this hurt to move on.

Why can’t I just learn from this?

Learn to stop dwelling and that people leave and it’s okay.

That it’s not me, it’s them.

Why.

Why can’t I find someone like you,

but better,

someone that- no.

They’d bail, too.

Like you did.

I know I’ll never mean as much to someone as you meant to me,

but,

but why-

Why can’t I move on?

You have.

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