#somehow it feels like im losing part of my identity

[catnek-reblogs]

Update

I've finally finished the first chapter for Loving You Is A Losing Game! Here is the link to AO3, and I've also posted the first chapter under the cut.

@fisticuffsatapplebees @im-totally-not-an-alien-2 @space-dreams-world @omnicrafts @butterflypeachgrove you guys get the credit!

Tag List:

@taniaundertaleau @whitecrowbane @xye-chan @my-perfect-storybook-love @meira-3919 @bubblemixer @wackyattack

Danny stared at the portal, his finger merely one inch away from the self-destruct button. His hands shook as he stared down the portal.

Am I really doing this?

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and releasing the tension from his body. It felt like this was the only way, but . . . It couldn’t be. There had to be something else he could do.

But he knew there wasn’t. Things had changed. He couldn’t stand being here, alone in Amity Park, where nobody cared about him unless it was to shove him into a locker and where his parents were planning to kill him. He was tired of waiting for someone to see him, tired of waiting for something to change.

Because nothing would.

He’d destroyed Vlad’s portal to the Ghost Zone and stolen his blueprints so he wouldn’t be able to make another one, and he’d planned on doing the same for his parents portal, too, but now . . .

He couldn’t do it.

Danny fled upstairs, away from the portal, away from the basement, away from the place he’d died three years ago and no one had noticed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny could safely say that today was the worst day of his life.

His friends hadn’t spoken to him since they’d started hanging out with Gregor two months ago. Since they’d replaced him with Gregor two months ago. Danny didn’t hold out much hope that they’d talk to him today. He hadn’t had hope for the past week now.

He hadn’t been planning on going to school today, but he knew that if Principal Ishiyama sent another call to his parents he’d be grounded. And since ghost attacks had decreased after he’d destroyed Vlad’s portal three weeks ago, getting grounded meant incessant boredom. Or having to listen to his parents talking about the experiments they planned on doing to Phantom. The thought of that alone made him feel faint - actually having to experience it would be ten times worse. Which was why Danny snuck into class halfway through first period, using his invisibility and intangibility to pretend he’d been there the whole time. Not that he thought it would work on Lancer. He had a sneaking suspicion that Lancer was the only person besides Wes who knew he was Phantom.

Danny held in a bitter laugh. Somehow, his friend circle had gone from Sam, Tucker and Valerie to Wes. And Wes had spent the better part of two years attempting to reveal his identity.

The period ended, and Danny just walked straight through the wall next to his desk and into the corridor outside, not caring if anyone saw him. He knew no one would believe that he was Phantom. After all, Wes had tried to tell the town for years and had failed, at least until the GIW attack seven months ago when he’d realized exactly what was waiting for Danny if his identity was revealed. Wes had gotten a lot cooler since then, slowly entering his friend group.

Until Gregor. Until everything had happened and Sam and Tucker had decided to kick him to the curb. Valerie had already done so two years ago, when he’d first revealed to her that he was Phantom. She hadn’t taken it well.

Danny still had a scar from when she’d stabbed him with a knife made from ecto-ranium.

He reached his locker, not even bothering to act surprised when Wes was standing leaning on the wall right next to it. He knew Wes would have been watching him through the bugs he’d placed in Fentonworks. 

Wes was always watching Fentonworks.

Danny opened up his locker, pulling out a random textbook. “I couldn’t do it.”

“I saw,” Wes said, not unkindly. He paused for a moment, before asking, “Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

Wes stared at him for a few seconds before nodding. “You planning on doing it tonight?”

“I was thinking I’d spend the night at yours, actually.” Danny slammed his locker shut and turned to face Wes. “My parents have an idea for a new invention.”

Wes clenched his fist. “All the more reason to do it tonight.”

Danny took a deep breath. “I can’t, Wes. Not tonight. I can’t go down there again. I died there, Wes, and no one noticed and I can’t go back to the basement and stand in front of the portal and push that button, I just can’t.”

Wes hesitated. "All right." He pushed Danny to the side and opened up his locker. Danny was about to protest when Wes took the books from his hand and gave him a different set of books.

“You have English now, idiot.” Wes shook his head. “Not Chemistry.”

Danny blinked, taking the books. “Thanks.”

Wes grinned at him, slinging an arm over his shoulder. “No problem, dumbass.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened, but somehow, his parents had captured a shade.

Humans couldn’t even see shades.

Danny would have to figure out a way to get his parents to spill the beans on how they’d caught the poor thing, but right now he needed to come up with a plan to sneak in and return the shade to the Ghost Zone, where it belonged.

It wouldn’t be particularly difficult. All he’d have to do would be to make sure that his parents were sufficiently distracted, and then he could open the portal and get the shade through to the other side. Which was why he was currently standing invisibly outside the basement door, waiting for the call Wes would make with one of his burner phones to Fentonworks, and when his family inevitably answered it, they’d be told that there was a ghost attack in progress at the park. The pair would immediately rush to the GAV, leaving Danny free to go down and save the shade.

Danny pressed himself further into the wall as the house phone rang and Mom walked out of the basement, muttering about bothersome people interrupting their work , a scowl on her face. The scowl, however, immediately vanished as she heard what was being said by the person on the other end. He watched as the call ended and she rushed downstairs, excitement evident on her face, and a few minutes later both she and Dad ran out of the basement and into the garage. Danny released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and sank through the floor and into the basement. The sooner he got this over with the better.

It was easy enough to find the shade; after all, they were both ectoplasmic entities, and shades in particular were so common that Danny had no trouble finding them even in his human form. Which was good, since unlike blob ghosts, shades had such low levels of ectoplasm that his ghost sense couldn’t locate them at all. Danny opened the small ecto-resistant container his parents had trapped the shade inside, and held his hand out, waiting. The shade jumped into his palm after only a few seconds. He held back a grin as he walked over to the portal. Easy . Now all he had to do was get the shade to the Ghost Zone.

Danny held his hand over the button that would open the Ghost Portal.

It was shaking.

Danny closed his eyes and tried to relax. This wasn’t even the same button. It was in an entirely different location. He wasn’t going to die again - not unless he felt like it. Danny felt his lips twitch at the joke, and emboldened, he opened his eyes and quickly pressed the button, jumping back almost immediately.

The Fenton Ghost Portal came to life, a green glow that looked almost like a maw forming inside of it. Danny shot through and quickly found the shade in his palm a nice island with a bunch of other shades. He sent out a wave of safe-protect-happy so the shade would know it was safe to stay there, before returning to the realm of the living.

He wished he could stay in the Ghost Zone a bit longer.

#dp x dc #danny phantom #tim drake #dead tired #braindead rejected soulmates au #loving you is a losing game

[dearweirdme]

you know I have always been one of the first in lines fighting to defend Tae from that rumor, I'm 100% positive that is mediaplay still but something shifted these days as in yes it was mediaplay but ultimately Tae did choose to take part in that paparazzi walk( albeit he didn't look happy at all I think I have reasons to believe that even if he was somehow coerced he probably was made to feel like he had some negotiation power too) and honestly I guess I felt more adamant to defend him bc i saw how much he tried to fight the tide and separate himself from all of that ( the wv live in the airport, these insta pic changes being the last example etc and seeing ppl disrespecting his agency and his right to state himself his own truth really pissed off me a lot ) but I started to think these last days what's the point in him doing all of that when he agreed to do that walk and he must know what would happen otherwise why did he even agreed, what is he even fighting himself doing little things to separate himself from being associated to this person when he will forever be associated,for the gp and fandom itself and as you said once this will be in the historial of his live forever? By doing all of that it's like he made us, the fans who cared for him and were paying attention to him fr want to defend him too and literally fight air because there is nothing to defend when he did that walk, when the purpose of that walk being met. I'm not saying he did any of that with the purpose of having fans fighting on his name at all, I don't think so but that's what happened, I guess I'm feeling disappointed these days bc i see no need for him to even fight against all of this when this issues reached the levels it did when he chose to do the walk. I'm also disappointed bc i think anything he might do that would have been considered brave and important about his identity before loses weight completely now, him smooching jk's cheek on the party and uploading it, him being bold etc bc no one but a small group of ppl considered delusional by everyone will see this for what it is. He can do a lot now only bc no one it's going to take him/it seriously.

I used to be pissed by Holland behavior that one time but I even kinda can get the frustration now. Tae is safe or at least has reduced the risk at a minimum now to do whatever bc everyone thinks he dates women. And some ppl be crowing him as an LGBT icon when some other idols have actually exposed themselves honestly to a lot more without any security plan to fall back into. And that actually feels like being brave and doing something. Not making everyone who supports you look like a delusional clown and make the thought of you being queer laughable to most ppl. Moonbyul being a pretty good example of someone who has been direct and brave.

Im sorry I really needed to vent, I have loved Tae for a lot of time ( not that i dont love him now but sometimes i cant shake the disappointment and the distaste of not being able to enjoy his content without seeing him being constantly related to ppl I don't like at all) and I'm open to anyone making me feel different about this situation

Hi anon!

Let me give you my perspective on this and maybe that will make you see things differently as well.

Tae is moving within certain boundaries. It is most likely that there are actual clauses in his contract that tell him what he can and cannot share publicly. That goes beyond plain saying that he is queer. That also goes for the level of queerness he can show through art and media. Basically I feel he is able to show queer media and art, but not adress it as such. Going beyond that would probably mean he’d be breaching his contract, which could lead to monetary penalties… and when it goes too far he could be kicked out of BTS (not that I think it would ever go that far). I think it’s possible that with this new contract, things have become more loose though. BH/Hybe doesn’t want to lose Tae, because he is one of the most popular members and losing any member would look bad. So I think there was some leverage there.

In my opinion it should not be underestimated how bad things still are for queer people in SK. Artists loose their careers over it stil. People like Holland are absolutely very brave and I hope within time there will be more and more like him. But you cannot compare one person’s choices with that of another’s. I think Tae possibly discovered his sexuality when he was already under contract with BH.. that would mean he had the choice to either hide, or to break his contract… leave BTS… and be left with a shitload of debt (because you don’t simply leave a contract). He would have no perspective of any career after that.. losing all his dreams and all chances of having any influence at all. It is an impossible choice maybe.. or maybe not.. I don’t know. Has he chosen to leave BH would his life have been easier, better? He would still have had to deal with severe homophobia. So I don’t think Tae had much options but to hide in the first case. It is not something he chose.. it was basically decided for him. Contracts are no fun anon, they basically chain them to the company in many many ways. I don’t think Tae ever had the option to be as open as Holland. And I think that is something he struggled with greatly. So if that walk was something he agreed to just because it would give him some more room to be authentic, I am absolutely not holding that against him. It doesn’t make him bad or whatever, it makes him someone who needs a bit of room to breathe.

In general I don’t feel Tae owes us much. Speaking for myself, I am here completely voluntarily and completely aware of forever being shit on by the rest of fandom. I’m of the opinion that both Tae and Jk aren’t actually fighting to be out and open.. so that probably makes my perspective on this different than yours. I think they’re just trying to live their lives and what we see of them is just stuff we pick up on.. because we pay attention. I always see myself as a bystander and not a participant in this. But.. that’s just me ofcourse.

So how did we end up here; Tae doing a walk with Jennie. Looking at it from a practical side, it was only one walk.. half an hour tops. If we assume he did agree to it and he wasn’t actually forced all the way, for him that was probably doable, and if he traded that for more freedom to be authentic.. to insert more queerness in his work (which is eventually what people will remember him by), then I think the trade probably looked worth it. Ultimately it wasn’t a fair choice ofcourse, because trading anything for freedom to be yourself is insane.. freedom should always be yours. But I do think the company possibly sold it that way.. and being used to having no freedom for years, maybe to Tae it did seem like a chance. It is ofcourse also possible they made him do this, but it’s not something I’m leaning towards personally.

It is not something Tae would’ve done/come up with himself. Tae didn’t go “yeah, I want to do a papwalk with Jennie for fame and attention”… people are right when they say he didn’t need that. He was not enthusiastic. And I think he was very over it all soon after.

The way I see it.. is that possibly Tae gave away a small part of himself to do something he felt is necessary in a broader way. His new mv is so important! To have such graphic display of queerness is so important! Especially from someone as famous as Tae. Imagine all the young queer fans he has seeing that! Tae knows what kind of influence he has. He has probably missed seeing representation like that himself when he was younger. I think this is what matters to him most and personally I just applaud him for that. Taennie will be nothing but a blimp on our radar in a few years, but his songs and mv’s… I think those will have an actual impact on many lives.

#Tae solo #i think i went all over with this #hope i made sense #not even sure if I responded to everything you said

[boy-gender]

Ive been gaining a worrying amount of followers very quickly, and that already makes me a little wary, but thats okay! I want this blog to help more and more trans men and transmasc people feel they have a place to celebrate themselves and one another!

But unfortunately, lately, ive seen an increase in followers from a very specific, very insular, very niche group. Transnazis.

Now at first I didnt know what this was and assumed, as im sure many of you reading this will, that this means "im a nazi, and also transgender. I am a trans nazi." No. That's not what it means. Transnazism, one word, or any of its weird censored typing quirk variants, means "im not a nazi but i feel like i should be. I relate, somehow, to the aesthetics of the third reich." This is part of a slightly bigger but still very small group called transbigots or transharm.

I've spent the last two weeks or so since I noticed an influx of them trying to decide what to do. I'm not a huge blog by any means, but this blog is growing rapidly and has considerable reach in transmasc circles. I believe I have a duty to my followers to shield you all from the worst of the garbage that I encounter (one of the myriad reasons I dont respond to hate messages). So Ive been debating just blocking these people and not commenting on them publicly, because frankly I wish I could unknow what I know about them and I'm sorry to have to pass it on to y'all.

But seeing a small drove of them come my way and decide, somehow, that this is a place for them, that they're welcome here, or that I am somehow in solidarity with them frankly makes me sick. I have losing sleep, disrupting my schedule, missing appointments, and disordering my eating all because I am caught in a cycle of anxiety about these people being anywhere near me. I feel so viscerally uncomfortable I want to take off my own skin, and every time another one comes along or I read what they say, i can feel the physical pressure of all the vitriol i want to scream at them clogging up my throat.

To any transnazi or transbigot or what have you that may be following me who I missed, or who may want to follow me in the future, I have a direct message:

Do you huff paint out of a plastic bag? Are you breaking into zoos to get high licking rare exotic frogs? What in the FUCK is wrong with you? What fucking aesthetic of nazism could you possibly want to center your identity around- the skeletal bodies of camp survivors? The rooms of stolen teeth? The mass graves? Or do you just like a red white and black color palette? Explain it to me. I want to know exactly what I did that appeals to you so I can never do it ever again. I do not accept you. I do not welcome you. There is nothing here for you. I wish you a drastic and painful change of heart- I hope you get better, and I hope it hurts the entire time.

But while we wait for that, FUCK. OFF.

#Im going to turn reblogs off as i dont want this breaching containment #But i welcome replies #Can anybody just? Explain to me what im supposed to do here? #Express some sympathy? #Reassure me that im not losing my mind? #When i dont understand a group of people i usually assume its a fault with my understanding #And i go research more and lurk more to try and find my own biases in my thinking #But ive BEEN doing that and i keep coming to the same conclusion in this case #That its NOT ME #That my feelings of disgust are in fact justified #Can just one person please be like “yeah thats fucked up and youre not the problem here”

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

yes a thousand percent absolutely lets go

(firstly i am sorry my post put anyone to a point of feeling the need to apologize for or feel bad for being Very Into Leo’s character. as someone who is flagrantly Very Into Raph’s character, i promise i wasn’t trying to throw a stone in this glass house. i’ve gotten burnt out on a lot of fanon leo stuff but part of why im so !!!! about it is bc i too love leo’s characterization and potential.. i swear

catch me catching my brain and tone malfunctions behind dennys later, sorry again gang)

BUT YE I’LL TALK ABOUT MOVIE RAPH STUFF TO MY BEST CAPACITY ALL DAY

overall i honestly... totally get raph being hard to get a handle on in this respect. like it’s pretty difficult to pick where to start and how to express it even just in an informal tumblr analysis post, i still haven’t managed to put together any kind of fic myself LMAO. bear with me i will do my best!

so firstly there’s just the veritable gauntlet of “stuff raph experienced/was dealing with in the span of the movie” to consider, i think. 

- his fear and anxiety over his family’s safety, for which he always always feels personally responsible. when he called the retreat during that first fight with the krang, he was absolutely terrified-- and i can only imagine how much scarier it was after leo bailed on the escape pod. like, there’s no way raph was not hauling ass after leo the second he saw that happen.

= he takes a hit for leo, as in just barely stops it and loses a chunk of shell/plastron in the process. he sacrifices himself using his pod to get leo out of there safely (and there’s so much to be said about the fact that raph’s pod seems to be the only one that didn’t auto-activate. that only he and donnie seemed to know they even existed. there’s a whole talk they must have had right there, like raph would probably have had to ask specifically for this feature.)

- the krang try to intimidate answers out of him about the key, and when that doesn’t get them those answers, prime literally jams tentacles into his brain and roots around until he can find what they’re looking for. so that’s one bullet point on the list for outright mental violation. it looks/sounds very painful, not to mention terrifying. 

^^ and honestly, this point of suffering in particular is one that i think would be hardest for raph to actually bring up/talk about with his family. because none of them were there. none of them KNOW. and how do you explain that to them? how do you try to make yourself break that out when they’re already worried about the other stuff that happened to you and to everyone else? when part of you is guilty about it despite yourself, because so much of your identity is tied into being a protector that you can’t help but feel like you should have been able to wall that info off somehow and keep your family safe?

- gets infected by the krang and put into the big gross pod to... incubate, i guess? there’s so much unanswered about the point between brain torture and getting found by his family tbh. was he conscious and aware of being left alone in there? was that why he was so out of it even before the mutation?

- and then of course there’s said painful, grotesque body horror forced krang mutation that he has to go through once he’s out of the pod! thanks i hated it! like it seriously looks so gross and painful.

- ah yes and the mind control... being used as a tool and a puppet and specifically set out to hurt or even kill the family he loves and wants to protect. 

- the standard “we had our cool epic boss fight against the evil alien but he kicked our asses with one flick and then punched mikey and donnie all the way to staten island” physical roughage, too. leo portaled him after mikey and donnie so he could catch them. donnie took the brunt of the krang punch, and raph took the brunt of the hard landing (he is holding his side like he might have some rib issues, they all look rough af down there phew)

- leo’s sacrifice is leo’s sacrifice and definitely a leo development moment as an action itself, i’m never gonna say 'yep here’s how leo getting brutalized in prison dimension is all about raph’. i’m talking about the like, aftermath and pre-rescue emotional toll that that has etc etc etc. ftr.

point one there is obviously just the grief. like, raph is literally incapable of standing when it hits. he’s on all fours, he can’t open his eyes. i made a post comparing the caps of raph’s face getting stabbed and raph’s face when it was sinking in that leo was (apparently) Gone gone bc the expressions are nearly identical. like just. absolute agony. 

- and on top of that, i sincerely think that leo’s “you’re one to talk, hero moves are totally your thing” apparent last words are gonna stick with raph for a very long time. even after they save leo. the look on his face after leo says that... man. i think there’s a very real moment of raph going what have i done, what did i teach him? about the entire situation.

the way this is already tl;dr oh well SO IG SOME OF MY GENERAL TAKEAWAYS AND THINGS I THINK ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO POST-MOVIE RAPH:

first and foremost. rip raph sufferer of some of the most intense eldest child syndrome i’ve ever seen. he feels bad that he got used to get his family’s location. he feels bad that he got used to harm and nearly kill his family. he probably feels bad that leo feels bad that his shell is damaged, smh. it’s guilt all the way down. the kind where he knows logically his family does not want or need apologies, that getting controlled was literally not his fault, but he feels bad anyway.

and like i said i get how it’s hard to get a handle on him for stuff, because raph is also... not super good at the emotional vulnerability sharing? it’s so wild because he’s very openly emotional and easy to read! he’ll cry during a sad movie scene and yell at a frustrating video game no problem, he’s very straightforward! but when it comes to sincere vulnerability and actually seeking comfort/closure about it, he has a big struggle vibe. good luck to the entire family bc every single brother is gonna be in a “oh but everyone else already has so much to deal with i don’t wanna pile more on with my problems” zone, i think. 

also just like. raph is a protector. that’s one of the core pillars of his sense of identity and worth. he takes care of his brothers. he keeps his family safe. and so so so much of what he went through or experienced in the movie went directly against that. raph, the big brother, the beating heart of the team, the one who takes hits, the overprotective mother hen, gets used to track down his family, and then gets used to hurt them. very nearly gets used to kill leo outright. isn’t there to take the hit for leo again at the end of the movie, is helpless as his little brother seemingly sacrifices his life to save them and the world. how does he come to terms with that? how does he feel like he still deserves the trust and faith that his family puts in him to keep being a rock? (they’re not scared of him, but he’s scared of him.)

and for real seriously how does he ever ever get around to dealing with that brain probe and the mutation specifically. his mind and his bodily autonomy got so deeply violated in the process of this movie. it’s scary! and painful! what kind of scenario would a writer even have to rig up to back him into enough of a corner to share those feelings with his family (who would absolutely want to comfort and support him)! it’s nightmarish stuff that’s gonna linger with him for the rest of his life. 

and in fact on the mutuation/mind control. i think the fact that leo was able to get through to raph just with words, that that was how he managed to break through the control, maybe means that raph was aware of what he was being made to do all along and just. unable to pull enough strength together to stop it before that point. woof.

idk idk if any of this makes real sense or helps for getting a handle on raph’s character at all tbh, it’s just a lot of me nonsensically putting him in a jar with a leaf and a stick for scientific observation ig. if ppl wanna hit me w questions or discussions about my personal opinions on my favorite boi feel free tbh

maybe the real raph character analysis was the hug and nightmare-free nap he probably desperately needs all along....... ah its too late hes dissociating on the couch. relatable.

#rottmnt #rottmnt raph #rise raph #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt movie #we try to make sense at almost midnight

[destinysbounty]

Alright its elemental roulette AU time again, whether you like it or not! (for those of you who are curious, you can check out all my other posts about it here: 1, 2, 3)

Jay being Samurai X in this AU is pretty self-explanatory, so i probably dont need to talk about it in too much depth. But I will anyway!

In this version of events, Jay managed to perfect his mechanical wings, and then expanded it into a big ol flying suit of armor. So, think Samurai X mech, but crossbreed it with like, the Sonic Raider Jet or something. But also theres a distinctly comic-book-superhero flair to it all because of course there is, this is Jay we're talking about.

Same as canon, Samurai X starts making appearances, he begins upstaging the ninja, and its established that the current ninja team is full of angsty perfectionists, so OBVIOUSLY they all hate his guts. Jay is a little gremlin, though, and their frustration only encourages him to upstage them even more.

Eventually they do discover his real identity and meet him, and maybe realize they were being a bit too harsh when they should have been more appreciative of his support. So they invite Jay into the fold of their operations.

Jay may be a comparative rookie, but hes got the motivation. See, his parents were attacked by Fangpyres and got turned into Serpentines, and he figures that if stopping Pythor and co. can get him any closer to finding a cure for them, then he has to try. If nothing else, he can at least get some well-deserved revenge. And once he learns about the Great Devourer situation, he definitely doesnt want that to happen. Basically, hes motivated by the recent rise in Serpentine activity.

(Im also currently toying with the idea that Jay was turned Serpentine as well. I dont wanna elaborate on this point too much since im not certain i'll keep it, but its definitely something to think about.)

Regardless of motivation, Jay is more than happy to join the team. After all, who in their right mind would turn down an invitation to join a kickass team of superpowered crimefighters, as well as the opportunity to be trained by the son of a literal diety??? Sign him up!

....he did not realize what he was signing up for. The comic books did not prepare him for how traumatic saving the world can be. He would like a refund please

Of course, this realization doesnt strike until Zane's death. Jay's first real experience with loss. Sure, their battles have been scary and dangerous, but watching a friend die...watching a friend die to save the world...thats when it hits him that being a hero comes with a price. So he throws in the towel and bails.

That is, until Wu approaches him, saying that the ninja have all gone missing (bc they went to Chen's island without telling anyone). And well, Jay has lost one friend already, and it sucks. But hes not going to sit by and lose everyone else who matters to him, too. So he warily takes up his old Samurai X mantle again and sets out to find his friends.

So yeah Jay and Dareth team up on Chen's island and it is just as chaotic as you might imagine.

Also, i feel the need to point out that Jays stuff isnt all sleek and modern like Nya's. He doesnt have a secret base, he just tinkers away at his parents' scrapyard. He canonically doesnt know the proper name for an exhaust valve. His mechs and weapons do not look like they should operate by any stretch, but somehow they DO.

Nya got to the island by using holograms to disguise her vehicle. But in this AU, Jay gets to the island by building a shoddy jetplane out of spare tractor parts and crashing it into the side of a volcano.

Jay's strange blend of competence and incompetence only makes Morro hate him even more. By all rights, this chaotic grease monkey and living embodiment of the knife-cat meme should NOT be able to defeat him. That rusty mech thats really just a glorified trashcan should not be able to throw Morro through several concrete walls. And yet here we are.

Jay, meanwhile, delights in tormenting Morro. Because of course he does.

Now, he and Nya do still have their falling out, but its not due to a love triangle or anything. Its bc Jay bailed out after Zane's death, Nya got upset at him, and in the ensuing fight over it they both said some...pretty hurtful things. And over time they work on repairing their relationship again, but it still takes a long time before theyre ready to be a couple again.

Im currently torn between three possibilities. 1) Chen reveals the truth of his elemental power to him. 2) Jay spontaneously manifests lightning one day and everyone is very confused. 3) One of his Skybound wishes results in the discovery of his elemental power. Im a bit fond of option 3, if only bc that opens the opportunity for Skybound to focus more heavily on the adoption subplot, and would naturally build up to a true potential sequence at the end.

If so, maybe the wish that would have revealed Cliff Gordon's death ends up instead revealing his elemental power to him, forcing him to reconcile his birth parentage in the weirdest way possible. Idk id have to think about it, i havent seen Skybound in a while.

I think Jay does choose to be a ninja instead of a samurai, if only to feel closer to his birth-mother and to carry on her legacy/learn more about her, but still keeps a lot of gadgets and doohickeys on his person. The harness thingie on his Wildbrain gi? It serves as a holster for his various inventions and bizarre, unorthodox weapons.

Jay spends a decent chunk of time thinking he has no elemental powers, so he and Misako strike up an unexpected camaraderie as a result of thinking theyre the only non-elementals on the team. Wu is an elemental master and specializes in training others like him, but Misako isnt, and since spinjitzu is a bit different for those without elemental powers she offers to train Jay.

Jay may not be the strongest or most powerful fighter, but give him a paperclip and some dental floss and he'll find a way to macgyver your downfall. Its only when hes cornered into a hand-to-hand confrontation without any weapons that he tends to falter. Take away his gadgets and he starts to have issues, since he has zero combat training. So yeah he is in dire need of Misako's guidance.

And hey, maybe this is a good opportunity to explore Misako's character as well! Maybe they share a heart to heart, where Jay laments being abandoned and Misako reluctantly shares her motives and turmoil over leaving her son. Maybe she gets some character development. Oh! And maybe Jay sometimes joins her on expeditions.

Once Ray and Maya are saved, Jay and Cole very sheepishly ask them if they knew their mothers. And during the timeskip after season 7 they spend many nights hanging at the blacksmith shop, listening to Ray and Maya recount the good ol days.

And for the record, YES. Cole and Jay are still besties in this AU. Their dynamic is deeply important to me.

I also wanna redo Prime Empire to focus more on Jay's abandonment issues and you cant stop me.

For the purposes of this AU ive decided to replace Wojira with two new deities, one of lightning and one of ice. This means that Jay and Zane are both eligible to get Nyad-ified at the end of Seabound. Which one it happens to remains undetermined atm, altho im admittedly leaning a bit more towards Jay. If only because the mental image of Jay being made of pure lightning, and wanting to kiss Nya goodbye before vanishing into the sky but not being able to touch her without zapping her...yeah that concept is gonna live in my head rent-free for at least an hour

Its not much, but those are the broad strokes of what i have for Jay so far!

#ninjago #jay walker #morro #morro ninjago #wu #wu ninjago #zane julien #zane ninjago #nya smith #nya jiang #nya ninjago #lloyd garmadon #misako montgomery garmadon #elemental roulette au #destiny post

[phanfictioncatalogue]

hi! last anon here who asked abt the time travel thingy, would also like to hear your all time favorite fics! im a bit overhwlemed with the so many fics i could read so a small list to start with would be immensely helpful 💗

All admins feel free to add on! But off the top of my head, here’s some of my favorite longer fics! Lmk if you want shorter recs too!

A Stolen Ring (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan’s not normal. Why?

He's not human, he has a mysterious ring, and he hates Phil Lester. They have a strange past, one filled with bullying and avoidance, but when Dan turns into an incubus, everything changes. He struggles with his identity and cries himself to sleep most nights, yearning to be normal. And somehow the universe makes it worse by bringing him and Phil together - in the most literal sense.

(TW) Absolutely Lovely (ao3) - Autumn_Kismet

Summary: His friends and family think he's acting strange, they're worried that he's depressed again, but Dan doesn't see it. The only thing he sees is the new guy at school, the quirky one with the black hair and stunning blue eyes, and that's bad. So bad... because he likes him, and Dan can't like him. Dan can't be gay. He'll lose his family, he'll lose his friends... he'll become just like his father, and that's the last thing that he wants in the entire world. It's a scary thought that he doesn't think will ever go away and if there's the possibility of that happening, of him becoming the disgusting monster that his father was, or is, then maybe the world is better off without him, regardless of what PJ's dad, his mum's new husband, has to say.

Believe in Me (ao3) - Elleberquist6

Summary: Dan Howell is living at home while he’s saving money for college, which isn’t easy since his parents don’t understand him. Unlike them, he loves dogs, is a vegetarian, has no interest in the family business, and he despises the supernatural. He struggles to accept things that are illogical, even though he is a kitsune. Kitsune are foxes whose powers involve the ability to cast illusions, but Dan just wants to be normal. Phil Lester has just moved to London, where he works as a dog walker. When his path crosses with Dan, Phil is eager to get to know him. Unfortunately, Phil soon finds that being friends with Dan is far more complicated than he could have imagined.

(TW) Break Me (ao3) - MySecretsX

Summary: In this world, you're marked with black. That's if you have a soulmate at least. Everyone is destined to cross paths with the one who is meant for them, at least once in their lives.

When you and your soulmate meet, you will touch, if only briefly, and the exact area of skin you touch with the other turns from black to white, with streaks of blue, purple, yellow, all marbled in with each other.

Daniel Howell is well-known in town. People cross the street if they're approaching him and newcomers to the neighbourhood are warned about his presence. Exactly like the Lester's were. But Phil Lester has other ideas, he saw the pain within the boy, how bad can he really be?

Bury Your Flame (ao3) - worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)

Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck.

Cat and Mouse (ao3) - jilliancares

Summary: Dan Howell is the Panther. He's evil, nefarious, ingenious, and good at coming up with adjectives for himself. The Raven is a nuisance, but he's definitely the most fun part when it comes to being a villain. As a child, Dan had been scared of his powers. He'd been weak. He'd become strong, though. Strong enough to torment the city; strong enough to annoy the Raven with every opportunity he got.

Phil Lester only had one goal these days. To become strong enough to defeat the Panther.

Desires (ao3) - A_Million_Regrets

Summary: What would you do if you were suddenly hauled from your inauspicious life and dumped into an unforeseen catastrophe with your worst enemy?

Dan Howell and Phil Lester completely and utterly hate each other. They fight every time they meet, and all of their friends are tired of it. But one day, these two hot-headed, reckless men stumble through a secret passage in a mysterious old house and wake up on a strange island uninhabited by other intelligent life forms. They only have each other and no way to escape. Will they fight to death, or will they learn to trust each other in a world where no one else exists? Can they put aside their mutual hatred for each other to survive this misfortune?

(TW) Get Out Your Damn Umbrellas (ao3) - llamalamp

Summary: Phil's only gone for one weekend.

Apparently that's all the time it takes for everything to fall apart.

(TW) Head Down Low (ao3) - Rhensis

Summary: Dan isn’t right. He’s not like most of the others, he’s not genetically pure. He has no destined path, he has nothing going for him in life. He’ll be lucky to get himself a job in a fast food kitchen, and everyone looks down on him like he’s a piece of dirt stuck at the bottom of their shoe. Except one person: Phil Lester.

The Colors in You (ao3) - Phandiction

Summary: Dan is a dragon with scales as black as a moonless night. Part of the Dark's, he’s not supposed to get along with the colorful Chrome dragons from the other side of the island. But after seeing a Chrome for the first time in person, he’s transfixed by the rainbow of colored scales and against his better judgement rescues the dragon from a group of Dark’s seeking to kill it. Now responsible for hiding and protecting the Chrome dragon named Phil until he’s recovered enough to return to his home, Dan questions the laws that's kept the two species from each other for centuries.

The Slave Boy (ao3) - Phandiction

Summary: On his eighteenth birthday Phil receives a quiet and timid slave boy as a gift from his father. Phil intends to make Dan his friend more than a slave but social status and pressure from his father forces the two to keep an emotional distance when it comes to being in public. Behind closed doors though the Master and his slave become close. Phil is expected to take over his father's business and marry a prestigious young girl but this isn't what the young Master wants. What he wants is something he can't have in his world, his slave boy.

(TW) Those Who Trust (ao3) - theshyauthor

Summary: Dan used to be a submissive and now he’s just a broken shell of a man.

Thyme after Thyme (ao3) - chisomo

Summary: Dan Howell runs an apothecary shop in the heart of London, a city wrought with rising tensions between witches and normal humans. Dan tries to ignore the daily instances of prejudice towards his kind and keep his magical abilities a secret, but his life is irrevocably changed when a garden shop is opened next door by a certain sky-eyed young human.

Trust Me, I'm Broken Too (ao3) - natigail

Summary: The Lesters – the royal family of his homeland – was nothing like Dan thought they would be. Well, the King was just as horrible as he had heard but the King’s brother’s son, who was third in line for the throne, was nothing like Dan thought he’d be. Dan had been adrift for three years going from one “place of employment” to another, only his life was seen as worthless and he was more property than an employee. He had never imagined he’s end up as the property of Prince Philip.

The Prince had no intention of ever taking on a personal servant, which was a fancy name to disguise the fact a law essentially enslaved people. Phil often had to do things he didn’t want to or risk being removed from the succession to the crown. If that happened, who knew who his tyrant of an uncle would pick as a successor? When pressured into the choosing, he’d wanted to go for the most innocent, young girl, but hard brown eyes caught his attention instead.

Weather With You (ao3) - Evening42

Summary: Phil moves to an isolated cottage to start his dream of writing a novel. He meets a mysterious silent stranger on the beach who has a tragic history.

-Rae

#answered #anonymous

[dontcallmebree]

Bri! I hope you’re well this Saturday ❤️❤️❤️

Okay, so I saw you reblog a post about time loops (or, what happens after you come out of a time loop), and I’ve also been thinking about your amazing and painfully bittersweet divorced!Stucky fic, and second chances in general, and then just now I was listening to a podcast about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and…

How about a Stucky Eternal Sunshine AU? Where you get to see them actually try and get it right, the second time around? I’m thinking that maybe it's Bucky who sees Steve as this quirky and artsy manic pixie dream boy, and while Steve craves for the stability he might find with Bucky, he also feels suffocated by it because they’re not communicating but eventually they get their second chance and can actually start healing together and— PLEASE I am unhinged just thinking about it 😭😭😭 

Kayyy sorry it took me a while to get to this but I have been thinking of this ask for daaays.

Mostly that canon Stucky is somehow already an Eternal Sunshine AU? Like in concept if not in character, even in theme when talking about second chances in general! Anyway that realization fucked me up in my feelings.

But to get back to your point!!!! This AU would kill me dead I think. Manic pixie dream boy would seriously tie in so well too with Steve's whole thing in canon being about identity (cap, etc).

Anyway I am only 50% sure I'm articulating the mess that is my thoughts here but mostly my brain is going !!!!!!!!!

Okay also IM SO SORRY THIS IS GETTING LONG. A canon take where Steve chooses to fogret after losing Bucky. I remember reading a fic with this premise ages ago where he uses the chair on himself and can't fucking find it but I can't stop thinking about it now.

Right, this was supoosed to be about the healing part after, but I'm still stuck on the idea of an Eternal Sunshine AU. Like you cannot spring that on me and expect me to recover this quickly.

What have you done to my brain, kay.

#!!!!!!!!!!!!! #just the thought of this us heartbreaking tbh #i know its about the second chance I GET IT BUT STILL #kayyyyyy <333 what have you done #asks #docallmebri #stucky

[neurotic--erotic]

rambling about stuff and things (hi again)

hi, it's neo!!! long time no see, i missed it here :D this is gonna be a long text post and i'm just going to be talking a lot and reflecting on this whole blog. it's just a lot of personal feelings and life and other boring stuff. not sure if it's going to reach anyone and it probably won't be interesting, i've just been feeling very sentimental recently and wanted to talk about shit.

i know i've kind of just abandoned this blog and im really sorry. everything on this blog is representative of a period of my life that i look back on with nothing but fondness and joy, and im genuinely kind of sad it has passed.

i think when i started this blog i must have been 15 or 16, im 18 now and im in college :D i haven't updated here since my junior year i believe, but i have logged in occasionally since then, whenever i remember to, and it really warms my heart to see people continuing to find my stuff buried in the recesses of 2021-22 - if a little guilty as well for not being around as much but really i'm just very grateful. i've always been really socially inhibited and afraid to insert myself into online circles. this silly little blog was honestly a step forward for me because i always keep my hyperfixations to myself for the most part. i never really engaged with this community on a deep level besides putting my silly posts out into the ether, but it was still a very new thing for me to make myself seen, especially to share things that i made, and it meant so much to me to receive such positive feedback on it once i did.

sometimes i really hate my hyperfixation style. i fall so hard in love with something, i center my whole life around it, it basically becomes a part of my identity, but all of a sudden it no longer brings me that same rapturous joy. it gets kind of awkward when i've centered my entire blog around one thing, i've made myself known for being solely dedicated to that thing, and i just don't know what to do once i lose interest. it's hard for me to fake that passion, but i have no idea how to shift gears at that point, so i just kind of disappear. i more recently made a new blog and this same pattern kinda happened again with a more recent media hyperfixation. i don't know what it is about that piece of media, because a few months ago i was completely enraptured in it but at this point it feels so strangely far away that the thought of it almost repulses me somehow? i can't figure out why i fell so hard out of love with it, but i guess that's not the point. i was just thinking about that because it's so different from my experience with this blog.

i still love will wood, probably always will, i still consider ww/wwatt to be my favorite artist of all time if not just really high up there. i don't believe any other singular artist has had so much of an impact on me, and i'm so grateful for everything. that's another reason why it's kinda sad that i don't have the same amount of hyperfixation energy about ww; back then i fully understood how masterful and special this music is and the amount of passion i had for it, to fully immersing myself and to understanding everything about it that i loved so much, reflected the level of awe and excitement i thought it deserved. part of me thinks the right way to experience and appreciate music should be just like that, at least for me, and i wish i had that much passion about things more often. this might just be my special interest bias but i think music-related hyperfixation is so amazing, because so much goes into music as an art form that deserves to be appreciated to the fullest extent. my expressions of love most often tended to center around lyrics and lyrical analysis, as i think you can see on this blog, but i was also passionate about things like the musical composition, instrumentation, and behind the scenes stuff, just absolutely everything that went into it. i've always loved music, but this hyperfixation really taught me to like, LOVE music for the first time. i really look at music in a whole different way because of ww. i have so much appreciation for musical artists and the art of creating music.

of course, a part of it was the parasociality as well, i've always thought it was important to be honest with myself about that aspect of musical hyperfixation and to be careful to handle it appropriately and respectfully. i relate it to musical hyperfixation in specific because for me a considerable amount of hyperfixating on music extends past the music itself and ends up including the artist. ww's music was utterly fascinating and i became fascinated by the mind and talent that created it. that's another way it's changed the way i look at music; artists are so often just as interesting as their art, often because of the way their ideas, values, experiences, and character translate into artistic expressions that seem so much grander in scale than just one person. i wanted to better understand the music because a big part of why it appealed to me was that i felt that it understood me. i think it's that i felt such a personal connection to the ideas being expressed and the way they were expressed, i wanted to be able to express myself similarly but i couldn't, so i settled for gathering an encyclopedic wealth of knowledge about every aspect that shaped the music into the form it was presented to me, and that included understanding the artist. i developed this fascination with the way that any piece of art that anyone creates is inherently affected by the person that makes it, the time and place they make it, the mindset of the person and the experiences that shaped their mindset. even unconsciously or abstractly, when we make art we answer to an internal need to say something or give something form. i have a very analytical brain and i feel i often need to fit things together like puzzle pieces so that they make logical sense in my brain, but that logical approach was a way i used to bring myself closer to the music.

i really did (obviously still do) have so much respect for will wood, i regarded him as extremely talented in so many ways that i wished i could be, and i felt deeply thankful that he exists and that he put his art into the world. (all of these r still true of course.) every time i made something to post on here or infodumped about his music or something, i was expressing my gratitude towards him but directed it elsewhere. i think i was interested and fascinated by him as a person but above all else i was grateful. and it was weird to feel that amount of gratefulness towards a human being that i had never met and did not know i exist. i mean i'd had short-term parasocial fixations on people before, including specific musical artists, but probably the reason my ww fixation lasted so long and had such an impact on me was because of the amount of connection i felt to the music, like it 'saved me' in a way (cliche i know), and like it was destiny that i found it.

i guess i'll talk about that too. i think i must have discovered will wood and the tapeworms in 2019 (i remember it was my freshman year of high school), when spotify randomly showed me self-ish as a recommended album. i'd never heard of it in my life. i listened to it for the album art alone, and whenever i tell this story i need to stress how rare that is for me to do. i've never been the type to jump into an album i've never heard anything about or to be instantly fascinated by an artist. again, if i had a stronger belief in the concept of destiny, i'd point to this instance, but although i say so in a generally playful way, i really can't express how happy i am that this happened. i became obsessed with the album. i found it during a transitionary period of my life that was chaotic and often very stressful, and i fell back very heavily on all sorts of music, among which i came to consider self-ish part of this heavy rotation.

from there i eventually listened to everything is a lot, probably around 2020, and the normal album later that year. i really cant remember precisely when it transformed from a favorite artist to an all-consuming hyperfixation, but it was definitely within The Timeframe. you know the one the 2020 one. i got more and more into analyzing his songs and concurrently started watching interviews and stuff and becoming fixated on his public persona as well. there was a good period of time i would talk about it nonstop, and i started this blog in the middle of that, which is definitely very evident. late 2020 through 2022 were the golden years so to speak, but especially 2021.

i shared his music with my dad. we bonded over it a lot. it was really meaningful to me because i don't typically share my interests with him, and there have been occasions where he has been unreceptive or critical of them, but often we connect over music. i was so happy that he understood how fascinating i considered it and engaged with me in conversation about it. i have such fond memories relating to this, especially when we were on car rides together and we'd end up blasting the song with five names on full volume (ow, but fun lol).

in november 2021 my dad and i got to see ww in concert. he was offering like a vip front row q&a thing for that concert and my dad got those for us, i still cant believe that it makes me so happy thinking about it. took some really awkward pictures standing like 2 feet away from will and looking like i was about to explode, got a cd signed, cried during most of the performance, ended up getting a migraine from the spotlights and having to go outside for some of it, and it was the best fucking night of my life. i'll never forget how kind he was as well, because i was so nervous and awkward and lowkey panicking the whole time, i hope it didn't make him uncomfortable but he was so respectful and sweet and it meant so much to me. it was such a great experience. will is such a great person and i love my dad so much.

i guess after in case i make it i ended up moving on to other things, but in all honesty by that point i had lost a little bit of the passion already. i was still hyperfixated but at certain points i felt like i was faking it a little just because i didn't want to lose the happiness it'd given me for years at that point. again that's kind of just the cyclical nature of my fixated interests, at a certain point the adrenaline hit sadly starts to wear off. but i think because of this waning hyperfixation i experienced the album slightly differently than the previous few. for starters, i cried a lot. i think i wasn't so hyperfocused on analyzing the lyrics and dissecting every element, which was also largely because of how intimately emotional that album is, and instead i experienced it in a very sentimental and emotional way for the most part. i've been revisiting it a lot lately, it really has a special place in my heart. maybe it's the transition i've made as i've entered college that drew me back to the bittersweetness of ww's indefinite signing off in the form of solo music; in opposition to the chaos and passion that led me to this point, i've found myself in a place where it's often lonesome, reflective, and internal. i sometimes feel like i don't have as much time to be swept up in the world outside of myself, because i've just been trying to find my own place in the world. i think a lot about the future and what kind of person i am going to become. at times i feel like i've been distracted from the value of the things around me and out of touch with myself. i don't know. it's something of a comfort album, but it puts me in a very sensitive mood.

anyway, yeah. all this to say that i'm not hyperfixated on will wood anymore but he, his music, and all the memories i have attached to them will always have a very special place in my heart. i know i was never a big part of this fan community but i really can't express how much fun i had being here. again, i don't know who will see this and i'm sorry i stopped checking in, but i'm just so happy i existed in this space for a little while.

actually, i found a little something in my drafts that i never ended up publishing so.. maybe.. maybe content? :] maybe? just a little thing because like making graphics and posting song lyrics was so much fun and i just don't have the motivation to anymore and i miss doing it </3

i feel like i've said this a million times but thank you. like if ur seeing this ur so cool, even if you didn't read any of this and just scrolled to the bottom i'm so happy you're here. i guess we'll see what the future holds for this blog, which is to say i have no idea if i'll ever get around to posting anything and if i do i'm not really sure what it would be. besides the one draft that i want to see if i can finish up for funsies so i hope i can post that at least!!!

alright i can't believe i sat down for like 4 hrs and banged this whole thing out i'm in such a silly goofy mood rn. thank you for the last time. love you

#not content #neo fucking rambling/infodumping for 5 hours check

[charrfie]

GIVE ME THE ELLIE LORE RRAAAAAGG🫵🫵🫵

OHHH BOY OKAY WHERE DO I START WITH THIS. HEADS UP THIS IS GOING TO BE SO LONG EVEN IF IM JUST SUMMARIZING THE BASIC SET UP!!! Also the plot is pretty heavy on violence but for the sake of this ask I'll try to skirt around the details

I suppose before I start explaining the details surrounding Elle I should talk about the actual overarching story itself! It's a story of reflection, mostly. Something I put together (with my boyfriend who made the other main character in the story, Tilly!) that contains a lot of the feelings I was never able to make sense of/reconcile with as a kid. Obviously it's done in a super over-the-top kind of way but I feel like it still works pretty well for its purpose. A lot of the metaphors and plot points are actually INTENTIONALLY inflated bc I wanted to encompass any weird middle schooler's love for edge and cringe (... my love for those things haven't changed either, admittedly <3). It's about young sapphic love and finding family in friends rather than in blood, it's about how fucked up middle school is, it's about transness and identity. It's about growing up too fast. There's a lot more to be said about the themes of it but these are the most prominent I feel.

As for the plot itself, I'll only explain the opening of it or else we'll be here all day. What you need to know is: Elle is a pretty fucked up kid. Often bullied for being The Weird Girl in middle school and with a mom who doesn't really care about her (would classify it as neglectful like "you do your thing I'll do mine" rather than abusive though ig neglect is a kind of abuse), she's left to face the world on her own. And of course this leads to things like unrestricted internet access as a child (should mention it takes place roughly in 2008/2009 so this kind of stuff is in full swing), morbid curiosities not really having a reason to fade, etc. There's quite a bit that happens in between her early life and the catalyst of what sets the plot in motion, like how she loses one of her eyes and whatnot, but I'll skip that part for now considering it's a little upsetting? Anyways, one day she meets a girl named Miriam. Miriam is a sweetheart and an A+ student... as well as the first person to give Elle a second of their time. Over the following weeks, a friendship starts to bloom between them. The friendship, however, comes to a close much too soon when a very paranoid Elle fucks up and makes a split second decision that gets Miriam killed. Its completely motivated by fear and self preservation, so of course she instantly regrets it. None of the potential witnesses around her figure she had anything to do with it. She's just a little girl after all. But there's one person who saw what she did. Staring at Elle from a distance with knowing in her eyes. Tilly. And it just so happens that Tilly is also kind of a fucked up Weird Girl! Who goes to Elle's school! Of course she does. Elle heads to school over the following days expecting to be called a murderer, arrested, or killed herself after being exposed by Tilly but... this doesn't happen...? Tilly tells no one. Rather, the students at school show Elle pity, thinking she was a victim. And yet Elle feels Tilly's eyes bearing holes into the back of her head all throughout class. Elle suspects this is a threatening thing, but instead, Tilly soon expresses an interest in Elle that likely also stems from her own morbid curiosity (however Elle can't fucking stand her for quite a while). Over time the two find themselves bonding somehow! Elle finds comfort in Tilly's similar struggles to her own, finds someone who pays attention to her for once with no possibility of hurting her. Tilly finds a home in Elle that her broken family can't provide for her. It sounds very unhealthy considering the context behind their meeting but it's genuinely very helpful for both of them, and sooner or later they find themselves dating ^_^ !! This, uh..... doesn't stop them from getting into worse trouble down the line though............

I have a much longer version of this written out but this is a lot already so maybe another time? Sorry if this sounds rushed!! Its a lot of info I'm trying to stuff in here at once so a lot of the more nuanced and slow-moving topics dealt with in the story may seem a little awkwardly phrased here

Now despite literally everything I've said about Elle and Tilly, they're both big babies and I love them a lot. They're very sweet just ignore the violence okay? Here's some art of them together my bf (@nervigg) did!! Same one I used as my pfp! Girlfriends :^]

#THIS IS. REALLY LONG. AND IT DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO TOUCH ON A MAJORITY OF THE EVENTS THAT FOLLOW #long post #ANYWAYS THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR ASKING ABOUT HER IM SORRY I COULDNT GIVE YOU A MORE BRIEF ANSWER LOL #if anyone has more questions id love to answer them :^3 even simpler kinds of questions! whatever! #oc tag #<- i have more stuff about elle here! #cat girls #<- or here lol #elle

[bugdogg]

It’s late enough, I remember mentioning here that I was doing a gender assessment and I finished it and decided to do nothing. Not taking testosterone or anything just came out thinking “I’ll buy a packer or something, maybe a binder too and see”

Warning ig for talking about my feelings on my sex and my whole struggle with it and some anxiety issues too ech, idk if people find that gross or annoying but warning anyway

Ik I don’t wanna be a girl fully but I like having tits and I’m not unhappy with a pussy but I’m maybe 90% sure I want a dick more. I don’t want to lose my pussy because then I’d feel like I’d have to do anal(??) like it isn’t mandatory but I’d like to keep my vaginal opening (this sounds gross but that’s like the actual term for it ig).

So then i considered no surgery just testosterone to hope my clitoris would enlarge (is that the word I think idk). But then I learned about all the effects and decided no thanks, I don’t wanna look too masculine but I want a dick, like I feel like that seems more correct to me, it’s what I feel like I’m supposed to have. I also considered a metoidioplasty (if that’s correct, I wrote it down hope it’s right) but I never fully asked about it and became nervous to talk anymore with the doctor.

And whenever I say this stuff i second guess myself, like no you don’t know that you’re just doing this cause it’s a big thing rn or like it’s a fetish. And Ik that’s untrue Ik I’ve felt like this since I was 12 but i have the kind of anxiety that makes me doubt myself to the point of asking others for what they think is best for me but gender doesn’t work that way, no one decides this but me. The assessment freaked me out because when she asked me why I wanted this I didn’t know how to say it was CAUSE I KNEW ITS WHAT I WANTED, THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME SOME PART IS SAYING THAT. But I had to be convincing and now I’m back to second guessing, “maybe you were wrong, you’re probably just confused, you’ve-“ Ik this is all stuff people say to other trans people, especially people my age. I know the shit I tell myself is rooted in that transphobic bullshit but I somehow always think I must be stupid, “yea those people know what they want but you don’t”

I know I want this and I want to stop arguing with myself, I want to at least feel confident in this. I don’t know how I even managed to doubt myself this bad but im typing it now so it can shut the fuck up.

I know im not a girl, I know I don’t have to be anything to prove that, I can dress however I want and enjoy whatever I want, it wouldn’t define my gender or my sexuality or any of it. I don’t have to change my sex if I don’t want to, I don’t have to keep it like this either. If I want to poke fun at my gender than I can it’s my identity I can be silly with it I can be fun with it, it isn’t that serious. And last thing which I find kind of embarrassing but I’m fucking typing anyway, I can call my clit a dick if I want to, it’s fine it’s my body, I can call it what i want

BYE

(Also idk what I consider myself gender label wise, I just focus on my pronouns and what I want physically. Idk if that makes sense idk)

#wow u really have to reassure yourself of all this? #YEAAAA #hell I have to reassure myself people actually like me #I never like telling people about my anxiety because it’s ridiculous but if u read this now u know a thing about me #many things ig #also according to a therapist I had a bit ago #this kind of anxiety and self doubt could lead to psychosis so I actually gotta keep it in check all the fucking time #annoying but I’ve been managing better than when I was younger #OK NO MORE RANTING #I’m actually happy I enjoyed my day and my night #I’m in a good headspace which is a good time to write this #I hope anyone who reads this has a great day/night!! #and thank u for reading if u did<3

[burningthegallows]

christmas break is right around the corner and i'm worried about losing all momentum on my lltg fic. i'd say im about 65% done as of now.

here is a teeny moment:

He takes the 7-string qin out carefully, and sets it up at her desk. It takes a few minutes for him to check the tuning and the sound. It’s a nice instrument, not a great one, but well-made, if plain. 

He starts to play idly, not committing to any one piece he knows, but plucking out some of his favorite passages instead. 

She comes back eventually, taking up a seat at the second desk in the room. She watches him play, so closely that he can feel her eyes on him, searching for something. 

He closes the tune he was halfheartedly embellishing before he stops and lets the silence just be. 

“Cheng Shaoshang, I can’t believe I am going to say this, but you have too much faith in me.”

“You treat me as if I am somehow super-human. You’ve said you’ve always felt like a boat tossed about at sea, but I’ve felt that way too. I have also felt helpless because of the scheming of others.”

“I know that you have this horrible thing in your past that shaped you, and I love that part of you. It’s the part that I recognize. I know that you carry your abandonment with you; just like I carry my own trauma.”

“I saw my father murdered before by eyes by my own uncle. I hid my own identity for over a decade. You were asking me to open up to you, but I didn’t know how. I had never told anyone before. For so long it had been a secret, even my aunt forgetting as she got sicker. I had no proof and I was afraid.”

“You act as if I am somehow above or over my horrible past, while constantly invoking your own. I can’t fix everything and I couldn’t fix this. Stop thinking of me as this deity. You’ve always kept us separate. Even now, you push me away and push me away and then ask me to take responsibility.”

“Niao Niao, my love, take me off the pedestal.”

Before We Bow

#lltg #love like the galaxy #lltg fic #bwb #its a monster but so am i #is there a ship name for these assholes #the fic is long #but once i separated out the 35000 words of smut #nope it's still long #mine #btg writes #lol #looked at my ulysses stats and gaped #before remembering everything was duplicated #it will be less than 100000 #she says #this is all for the anon who was cheering me on #if you're still out there #im still working on it

[homestucky]

tw for pretty heavy discussion of diet, body image, weight, eating disorders etc. and emetophobia

so i grew up overweight. ive been overweight my whole life pretty much, with the exception of maybe 2 years when i was around 19 where i was a little lighter.

im a practical person. im a reasonable person. i grew up a tomboy. i dont like shallowness. i had minimal interest in sex and relationships. i was never rejected for my appearance. looking conventionally attractive has no reason to be a high priority for me

but still

i am completely insane.

there is no other way i can say it concisely. and i suspect that if you did not grow up overweight, perhaps particularly as an overweight girl/afab person, there are some things you just cant understand, because how would you even know?

so yeah, insane. like, obsessive. deluded. unable to fully comprehend reality. i cant tell what i look like most of the time. from the age of about 7 i fantasised daily about being skinny. fantasies about shedding my outer layers and showing everyone. and i wasnt even usually someone who wanted to impress or appease boys or ‘cool’ people. i honestly am not that motivated by what people think of me. yet my goal was always - figure out how to lose weight.

any eyelash i wished on, any 11:11, it was that. i thought about it every day.

and there was honestly no reason for it. it felt like life or death sometimes. i TRIED to have eating disorders. it feels so shameful to admit - i tried and failed. its so easy to imagine how funny that might be to some (mean) people. if i dont eat regularly, i literally get faint in a way that impacts my functioning VERY quickly, and other people can see. my gag reflex does NOT work. and trust me, i have tried. for hours, once. but I cant even do that right. id binge but i couldnt purge. my body would not let me give the food up.

‘i tried to be anorexic but i got too hungry’, ‘i tried to be bulimic but i couldnt purge so i just binged’ sound like sick jokes, like things fatphobic people would say to mock people they think dont try hard enough, because overweight people are lazy.

heres the thing. its good that i wasnt able to develop these disorders. of course it is. they are terrible things and i do not take them lightly. so im glad. im lucky that my body didnt let me. but that didnt stop me from feeling like a failure, feeling frantic and like at least if i could do this people would be sympathetic, bcaus its evidence that i was TRYING, even if it was in a bad way.

the feelings i had about myself and still have...

it impacts everything. its such a massive part of my identity. it stopped me from playing, climbing, doing sports. it stopped me from playing about with style and clothing because trying things on in changing rooms, looking at myself in the mirror, made me so anxious that i would feel physically ill.

and most batshit of all, it made me truly believe that i was a joke. that any room i walked into, people would pity me or be amused by me just at a glance. that i was always viewed by everyone else as just slghtly less human. that if someone was gonna be mocked id be first.

that if i ever did anything silly or made a mistake, it would be made 100x worse by my body - like if i said something awkward, or dressed bad, or came in to class late, or fell over, it wasnt something i could just brush off. because i was already a joke, so this would just add to it. if you are skinny and you get a question wrong in class, thats fine somehow, but if youre chubby and you do the same, you are slotted into the role of ‘stupid *and* fat person’ because everybody knows that stereotype so thats just who you are.

its wack that it doesnt just impact my confidence with sports, or clothing, or people finding me attractive, but literally EVERYTHING.

it feels like as long as youre fat, ANYTHING you do could potentially have a laugh track put over it. falling, crying, laughing, dancing, getting hit by a car, it doesnt matter.

and that is an INSANE way to feel. especially aged like, 10.

i lost some weight when i was 18 but i didnt feel different. i didnt feel more worthy or like i was a better person. i wasnt more deserving of love and respect. i just had more time and some money for a gym membership, and had little by way of responsibilties so didnt stress eat. and theres the fact i was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid too.

my situation changed, my thyroid got treated, and i gained it all back and then some. so i started to feel less bad about it. how could i feel so bad about not being that weight, when being that weight required me to have a chronic disease while also spending about 14 hours at the gym a week and calorie count? it was a bit of a revelation

but the craziness didnt go away completely. its still my first wish when i see an eyelash. i still feel like i will be who im really supposed to be ““when”“ i ““finally”“ lose weight, that fabled goal ive had most of my life and rarely achieved, and it will make people like me more, understand me more, respect me more, love me more. i also know that this is not correct. but i feel it anyway.

i have a shit tonne of things to worry about, like the fact im unemployed, or the state of the whole entire world, but theres still part of me that insists that being skinny is the most important goal. because if i was skinny people would be sympathetic to any of my other failings. i work out and try to be healthy as much as i can, because i want to be fit and healthy, because i think it is helpful to improve my experience as a human animal. but still when i say ‘i just work out for fitness, i just watch my diet to make sure im getting what i need, its not about weight or looks’ on some level....im alwaaays lyingggggggg ;)

i have no reason why im saying this now. its not pertinent. i just had to get it out.

#dont want this to appear #in #tags #i know usually i could just put the tws in tags but idk it feels significant so why not just say it stright up at the beginning ykno #idk this is just a sort of vent #diet #weight #weight loss #body image #eating disorders #bulimia #anorexia #emetophobia #long post

[richardsphere]

Leverage Log: The Low Low Price Job

Ok so based on the name, we're either dealing with As Seen On TV products that are made so cheap as to endanger people, general "store discounts that are only affordable because its made in a sweatshop in china" shenanigans, or a Big box chain using an up front loss to drive the locals out of business and become a de-facto local monopoly before type of story. (did I mention that capitalism sucks yet?) --- Ok government inspector is looking round a store and is pulling lies out of their ass. --- I agree with Elliot, Composting is good but should not be done in a kitchen. That is a health inspectors nightmare. --- Oh its about the a big box store, thats bribing the inspector (and zoning comittee) into shutting down competition. Why is she talking about it as if its a small town? Since when is Portland a small town? Thats a major American city right? --- I stand corrected, just because she's currently in portland to talk to Leverage Inc, does not mean she's from Portland. She's from a (presumeably fictitious) small US town called Apple Springs (home of America's largest garden gnome) --- Ok it seems we're not even going to try and make the villain act like a human person. Just openly gloating to her intern about how she's gonna destroy the town. --- And once again Nate makes the point: The Food Industry is only thing scarier then Sterling. I like the premise of them going for a "smaller" target (a single store rather then the megacorp attached), but its sort of a suck that this episode promises to end with a "the real villain got away with it all in the end" sort of deal. (maybe the sequel series can do a call-back episode where they go after Corporate) --- Sophie starts listing Cadmium Poisoning symptoms. To a woman whose hotel room we have seen Parker and Nate break into already. This can only mean 1 thing: Its chemical warfare time! --- Oh so thats how corporate plays? Forging crimes onto Sophies Forged identity? Guess we might see Nate take the gloves off and take down corporate after all. (cause lets be clear, if this is a thing they know how to do it means they do it on the regular for non con-artists) --- I dont think Elliot is lying about his old man running a hardware store, like this could be an attempt to make the guy more sympathetic to his cause to aid the union, but this feels genuine.

Old man has diabetes... that is ominous, I feel like Elliot might be about to get himself a surrogate dad only to lose him. --- And she's met Nate. (only Hardison and Parker remain un-compromised)

Eliiot's dad is real. --- Oh she tracked them back to Portland. Now that either means our heroes somehow tipped her off deliberately or that she's got GPS tracking on her employees.

Oh she said the F word, (which means she can F off) also shouldnt the poisoning be kicking in right now? sure she prevented Sophie from telling the town about the "cadmium" but thats no reason to make her think she's not dying of cadmium poisoning. Making her think the thing she covered up is a genuine threat awaiting re-discovery is a great way for our heroes to get her on the mental back-foot --- "its not like we can make bad luck". Nate, im sorry to say that you're an idiot. Making it look like an accident is literally crimes 101. --- Sophie's bringing in the army. (oh the Kaki's and overall flashmob. Classic)

Oh Elliot's surrogate Dad just died and/or got hospitalised. --- Record sales? Oh we're so framing her for theft arent we. (rigged the cash registers to claim they're taking 99.99 for the TV's while still taking the full 999.99) And she even bragged "the TV's were my idea" so when the citisens sue Value!More over their fraudulent cash-receipts her bosses will pull out a recording from their phone conversation proving her guilt by her own admission! --- Wait it wasn't part of Nate's plan? Our team just accidentally pulled a loss leader? Goddamn it. Well the HQ guy is coming for the BBQ now. Which is probably on the parking lot that she thinks is cadmium poison... So poison HQ guy with cadmium and get her superiors to shut her store down? --- Wait we're only renovating her hotel room now? In literally any other episode we would've seen Nate and Parker break into the store, and then had a greyed out flashback of the things they did while there to poison the ever loving heck out of this woman. --- I dont like that, now that we're finally getting to the "drugging her by putting chemicals in her make-up and sleepmask" sequence we took out her shower. (I get it, its to make her more anxious over meeting HQ guy for her promotion by not letting her take care of herself. But we literally had an entire Poison story right there with the Cadmium and this is breaking from that narrative, it feels like the broken shower is an unnecessary risk. Im not saying she deserves a shower it just distracts from the Cadmium Poisoning story) --- And we got ourselves the classic "broadcast their conversation over the intercom". Last shot of her seeing Leverage Inc lined up so she can connect the dots of her being played somehow. Strong end to a rather weak episode. --- Our heroes are turning the not-really poisoned big box store into a theatre. (nice place for Sophie to Own instead of Rent, plus a good back-up now that the Frame Up Job compromised their new Portland residency) --- there's something really weird about the way in which Elliot keeps getting in short-term relationships with female clients.

Elliot is off to reunite with dad, but it seems that time will do what time will do. (whomever owns the home now has excellent taste in windchimes though. Love the little dolphins) --- This episode was generally sub-par as far as A-plot goes, every twist and one-up by Caroline felt like it came from right up a writers behind, and the final conclusion of "our battle shut off the one store but Evil Incorporated continues to win the war" leaves this episode overall unsatisfying in its climax. The Elliot sub-plot was good though. Just not enough to fix a broken episode.

#leverage #leverage season 5 #the low low price job

[serapiin]

is it even an identity if you’re so involved with yourself that to you you’re just a completely different person

nobody is somebody, nobody is me, when nobody is there i’m still there

and sometimes my body will try to drown me in itself and other times i’ll fall into my own arms as if i’m the love of my life and almost always i’m playing rock paper scissors with myself somehow managing to lose with every single draw

ill hide around a corner and smile at you from 15 yards in the distance ill run away when you look back at me and ill shh behind my finger and tell an obvious lie just to wait until you notice and when i need something ill shake you by the collar pretending that im not trying to be endearing i must feel so good and im so easy on the ears

i could never give up the only sense of long term gratification ive ever been able to waste my time with. my childish antics and whimsical ways of speaking are the very poppy seeds i’ve cultivated. if you’re experienced enough to know how to get people high, you never have to worry about being alone.

i am my own life’s work. i can’t hide my messes. ill weave them into lovability until i can afford to have them repaired. i’m not careless just a bit of a scatterbrain. and when i lay the reasons nobody likes me out on the table, ill let you hide your own. look at her, so many green and blue cards. dont look at all the cards being bent and falling underneath my waistband. uno!

calling your identity into question as much i have is obnoxiously self involved and you can’t exchange more than a few words with any of your peers without them mentioning their issues with their sense of self so you should take them really seriously and pity them, disregard the fact that aging and being in your teens 20s whatever it’s part of the fucking deal

but i’m not having issues with my identity or knowing who i am and i would say if somebody knew themselves well enough to be able to keep themselves company with the fragments of self that shaped into real people they must really know what they’re doing you must really think i know what im doing

just kidding, there’s no way you’d ever think that. god forbid i ever step an inch out of the self hatred that disguises itself as awareness but malfunctions and invokes a sense of guilt when you realize that laughing at me with myself is still at my expense. what honor is there figuring out how to live alone with myself while you can’t??? good on me for knowing something you don’t, but i should really just keep it to myself because you’re insecure, huh? or maybe you’re so high off your superiority over me you’re just oblivious to it.

maybe you’d cry yourself to sleep horrified and wondering how much of the way you spoke with others was really you or someone else or maybe you’d mention it offhand. oh i don’t know who i am. i’m so empty. not me. i know.

[tyazoul]

it's just another episode of identity crisis and feeling like i don't belong anywhere. it's the feeling that i thought i knew myself well, but it's just a constant battle between what i know and what I'm supposed to be. as much as i know i have to abandon the 'self-jeopardizing' parts of myself, i wouldn't want to lose the part of myself that has been keeping me safe from the world. if there's one thing that i want to overcome is the feeling that i am rotten and so painfully sad inside. it's to the extent whenever I am happy, i don't feel like myself. it almost feels foreign and weird. well, i am weird. even though i hate the fact that i am weird, i need to live with it. i somehow hate the way my brain is wired, the overlapping colored wires and scattered sockets make it harder for me to sort out what's needed and to get rid of what's not. I am also painfully quiet when I'm by myself, in a way that I am completely a different person when Im around people. i hope i wasn't being a hypocrite to myself or worse, fake to others. to be frank i am so tired of this never-ending, insignificant and draining battle of finding myself and of wanting people around me to be okay with who i am. and no wonder, i retreat myself from confrontation, of showing my true emotions. i guess i am still the same person when i was 19. so naive, still discovering and still sad and empty when it comes to myself. it turns into this ugly self pity and constantly wanting to disappear from this world. but my heart just can't leave the people i love. i still believe i still have a lot to give, have a lot to ask forgiveness to, have a lot to distribute to. if i can't be there for myself, at least i can be there for others.

[tears-of-boredom]

you know. ultimately, i dont mind being a girl. not in the like "ive always been a girl" way, but in the "im a girl now" way. sometimes i even like it. i think the hard part for me is that i do not feel like im cisgender, and since being a girl technically makes me that, i dont like it. it feels like im losing my trans-ness. and, out of all the labels, "transgender" really expresses how i feel so well. so, anytime i try to define my gender further, i, conciously or not, limit myself. i cant even consider the possibility of me being "just" a girl, because then im not trans. and this is the annoying thing about gender. because i know that the reason i feel like im trans, is because i know that gender is not like a. it is not a rigid thing. at all. i know that my body does not have anything to do with my gender. i did not really consider my gender at all growing up, and when i did, it was because i hated that other people used it to define things about me. i never felt like a girl, or wanted to be one, but until it started to matter to other people, i did not care about that. basically im saying that i did not have a gender growing up. and now that im starting to feel like theres something there, whatever it is, its different.

like. i feel like instead of "cisgender" meaning that you identify with your agab, its when you identify with the gender you grew up with. not what other people thought you were, but what you felt like.

im not trying to like, invaliate other peoples identities. im just describing how i myself understand gender.

so in my head, i would only be cisgender, if i continued to feel like i do not have a gender.

but, from where once was nothing, has now suddenly sprouted the desire to be a girl.

i used to really want to be a boy at some point, but those feelings were only because i felt like life would be easier that way. i felt like somehow being considered a boy would suddenly give me friends. and i thought that i could have stayed young and free of worry for longer. some of my problems would have been gone if i grew up as a boy, and that was literally the whole reason i wanted to be one. i was becoming more and more aware of how i did not feel like i belonged, and i thought that if i wouldve been a boy, everything would be fixed. and, in a way, i still think that. i think a different life wouldve served me better. but whether that life wouldve been as a boy or not does not matter.

i had a phase where i was really confused about my identity as a whole, and i kept trying to find something to explain everything. trans man, trans masc, nonbinary,asexual, aromantic, lesbian, gay, queer, demigirl, agender. i tried so many labels in an attempt to find myself. but thats all it was. trying to find myself. never did i find a label that satisfied me, because i just did not feel like i belonged. but ive started to suspect that that was because i was constantly dissociating as a coping mechanism. you know how it is.

but this was a long way of saying that ive started to notice how i genuinely want to be a girl. and i also want to keep calling myself trans. and im not going to try and specify it further for myself, because that never works and only makes me feel insecure in my identity. im trans and a girl. sometimes. i actually really hate the sound of the word "girl" if i hear it too much, so im gonna stop calling myself that. though that is what i am. hating how a word sounds does not change that.

and its quite funny how like, i need to justify it and explain it to myself this much to feel comfortable. because if it was literally anyone else id just say "yeah who cares, if you wanna call yourself trans, do it". but because of my fucking messed up psyche, im not able to let myself be so lax about things.. aughh

#venting #gender