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themollyjay · 3 years

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I’m Not An Imposter (But I Sure Feel Like One).

CW: Homophobia, Transphobia, Trans-misogyny

Two days ago, I started work on a new novel called ‘The Defective Paragons’. It took me a little over a day to write the first chapter, because I wanted to get it right. Actually, I wanted to get it perfect. I wanted to capture a specific feeling, but I struggled with it a lot and I want to talk about why.

‘The Defective Paragons’ is not the novel I had planned to write after I finished Transistor. I thought I would finish Transistor, do revisions on The Master of Puppets, circle back around and do revisions on Transistor, and then move on to my first Fantasy novel, The Long Way Home.

Instead, I finished Transistor, did revisions on The Master of Puppets, did revisions on Transistor, then I pulled out an old manuscript I had started back in 2015 called ‘The Caster of Shadows’. I retitled it ‘The Inevitable Singularity’ because it was a better thematic fit for the story, then I went through, made a bunch of revisions, adjusted some character dynamics, cut a subplot that just didn’t need to be in the book, and banged out the last five chapters or so of the novel.

It’s a good novel, and I’m happy with the way it turned out. In fact, I’m really proud of it. I think there are a lot of deep, interesting things said about free will verses determinism, about the primacy of the individual verse the primacy of the state, about the ethics of child soldiers, religious indoctrination, the ways love can become a toxic force in your life and how hanging on to an unhealthy relationship can be a form of self-harm, as well as how religious doctrine can poison family relationships. I also think the series that the novel will eventually be part of has a lot more to say on some very deep topics, and I am really looking forward to writing the rest of the books.

But there was something missing when I was writing it. It was a work that was conceived, and mostly created at a very different time in my life, when the things I wanted to examine in my writing were different. In the books I’ve been writing lately, Mail Order Bride, Scatter, The Master of Puppets, and Transistor, gender has been a theme. Scatter is more subtle about it than the others, though it is there if you look closely enough. Coming off of The Inevitable Singularity, I found myself very much wanting to step back into a universe where I could talk about gender and The Long Way Round just wasn’t that book.

Instead, I decided to jump into The Defective Paragons. I’m not go through the full elevator pitch, but the basic idea is that aliens came in and recruited a bunch of teams of teenagers to be superheroes. They ran around in costume, drove giant robots, and fought off invading alien pirates and bandits. Then, when the time came, the aliens who recruited the teenagers used them as an army to annex Earth. Except one team fought back. They lost, but the novel picks up ten years later when they get a second chance to fight back.

Now, you’re probably asking how this relates to gender, and that’s a fair question. The thing is, the team that fought back has been separated for a decade, and during that decade, the team leader transitioned from male to female, so when someone comes looking for the Team Leader, they spend the first chapter of the novel talking to said team leader without realizing who she is until the very end of the chapter. Through the course of the novel, this woman is going to have to meet up with four other people she used to be incredibly close with before.

I’m not going to lie. I was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs the whole way through the first chapter, and those nerves haven’t gone away. But why am I nervous about writing this? This is literally a part of my life. This is something I’ve lived through, something I’ve experienced firsthand, more than once. That experience of meeting someone you knew before, or having to introduce yourself after… That’s my reality, but I still hesitate to write it, because of something that affects a lot of queer people, and trans people I think most of all.

Imposter syndrome. Queer people have our identities invalidated all the time. “Are you really gay?”, “Why don’t you pick a side already?”, “It’s just a phase.”, “The homosexual lifestyle.”, “Transgender Ideology.”, “Sex not gender”, “Adult human female.”, “Trans trender,”. It’s hard to keep track of all the ways people question our identity, and when you can’t go a single day without having your identity questioned, you start to doubt yourself.

I doubt myself every day. I was fourteen years old when I figured out I was transgender. All the signs were there before that, but I didn’t really have that ‘I want to be a girl’ moment until I was fourteen years old. Why did it take me so long? You hear about trans kids who seem to know from birth. Trans girls who want to wear dresses and play with dolls and scream and make a fuss about it from the time they are old enough to talk. If I’m really trans, why wasn’t I like that? Is my body dysmorphia really part of my gender dysphoria, or is my gender dysphoria a result of body dysmorphia caused by my weight issues and my eating disorder?

It is so, so easy to get lost inside your head, to doubt who you are, when the whole world is telling you that you’re wrong, that you don’t know yourself, that you can’t be who you claim to be. Some nights, I lay awake, lost in that place. Some nights, I lay awake feeling like a fake, a fraud, an imposter.

I know the truth. I do. I know that cis gendered men don’t dream about waking up as a woman. They don’t sit around daydreaming about how if they ever got three wishes, the first wish would be to be a woman. They don’t have elaborate fantasies about the life they would live if they were a woman. They don’t cry with joy and relief the first time they see themselves in a dress and makeup. I know I’m a trans woman. But doubt is a hell of a thing, and so is cis-heteronormativity.

I wrote a chapter, and I felt afraid. I felt like I was stealing someone else’s story, even though this was my own lived experience.

If you run into the same thing while you’re writing, I wish I could tell you that there’s a magic fix. That the imposter syndrome will eventually go away, and that you’ll get to the point where the voices don’t whisper fear and doubt into your ears, but I can’t. If there’s a magic fix, I haven’t found it yet. When I’m writing stuff that deals with being trans, I show it to other trans people, and I sit there, waiting for them to read it, afraid the whole time they’ll tell me I got it wrong.

Someday, I hope we live in a world where no one feels this way, but until then, all I can do is fight through the fear and the doubt, to tell myself that what I feel is real and valid, and to tell the stories I want to tell and hope that people will read them and know that they aren’t alone.

#writing #self promotion #original fiction #the grand ascendancy #the defective paragons #the war of souls #the master of puppets #the hearts of heroes #scatter #transistor #mail order bride #the paladins of the republic #the inevitable singularity #The Long Way Round

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riverofrainbows · 2 years

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CW: This discusses a bunch of negative things and experiences, so if you're not in the mood to read that please keep scrolling!

It took me a while to realise this because ive never experienced any typical physical violence or war, and no overt emotional violence either, so in that regard this comes from a place of privilege, but I realised that my life is full of violence in different ways.

On one hand the kind of physical violence that my disability is, with me being harmed by even slight wind for the first few years and living in constant agony because i was/am so fragile that i get constantly harmed by seemingly small everyday things. Added to that ableism when i try to make things a bit easier even if i cant make the problems go away completely, and having to do something knowing that it will injure you.

On the other hand the ones that took me so long to realise. Such as the violence of being an autistic person unaware of your autism and not having any, any at all, other autistic friends and being so lost and feeling so wrong and cut off from the world.

And the violence of not realising you are a trans man until your 20s because you repressed it so far down that you didnt even realise yourself until then. This also couples with me having to get comfortable in being bisexual as a queer woman first, which i also had no positive examples for in my life either. And the struggle with my sexuality in my teens, which i later realised was caused not by that i didnt not like men, i just didnt like being a woman in a relationship with a man, which made me feel incredibly othered.

And the most subtle and insidious one, the violence of what is not there: no close friends, no (and i mean no) representation of trans men, no knowledge about autism (or rather autism beyond the common stereotypes), no one to relate to ever, not even being actually liked by any of your friends. Having such a small, empty existence that you feel empty inside too. I was bullied while in school, but i didnt even do the things i liked nor was myself outside of school either. I didnt support my interests beyond esacpism through books and was constantly in a waiting mode. I didnt have self agency because i was so beaten down i didnt even know where to start and it took me such a long process to develop it, and im still doing that. When i do anything, anything at all for myself that is big news. "I've decided i want to do this thing" was something I'd tell everyone i trust enough about because it was that big to me. And i would talk about it longer than it actually took me to do it, weeks and months in advance. I didnt have more than scraps to built my identity out of, so anything was big. I was so lost in myself, I was drowning and any active decision was a piece of wood i would cling to and gasp for air every once in a while, a change from being apathetic to the lack of air because id gotten so used to it.

I hate that my life is so full of violence, i dont want it like that. I want my life to be soft and full of joy, i want to talk about things that excite me and share my excitement with others and share theirs too. I want to built a better world, and join all the people who already do, and i want to do things that bring me joy. I want to be soft and safe with other people, i dont enjoy being distrustful now. I am naturally very naive and believe in good, and i hate that i had to learn to not be.

And i hate that i didnt even realise all of that was violence for so long, so that i couldnt even fight. I didn't know my experience counted, i didnt know that absence was still violence, and even if i did, i didnt know how to fight it. I tried, but i didnt have any examples.

In so many ways i felt like i wasnt supposed to exist. And im still learning, how to fight and how to actually live my life, and unlearning the feeling that i should not exist, but i am not going away.

I just wish someone had encouraged me to be myself when i was a kid.

#and because there needs to be nuance involved in topics like this:#i also want to add that i am white and culturally christian in western europe and aware that that provides me privilege #own post #actually autistic #trans #trans pride #tw bullying #disabled #disability #identity struggles #this was brought to you by the song 'thank you for the venom' by mcr bringing me to tears #i wish i had had active support in my life #i didnt have active antisupport or however you may phrase it but i didnt have active support in being myself #the only aspect where i kind of did was dancing bc i love it and so do my parents and so they encouraged it actively #but i cant even do that anymore because of my disability #and my parents passively supported me and never put stones in my way but i never got any active support or being taught agency over myself #vent post #cw dark emotions

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blitz-and-hearth · 4 years

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Some empty cups family trans headcanons because I’m feeling dysphoric after being called she all Thanksgiving and need that good shit right now (tw for talking about periods, dysphoria, and transphobia) And when I say empty cups, I mean all the empty cups so long post beware

Blitzen figured it out at a very young age, his father Bili had some nonbinary leanings (but didn’t know it was a thing when he was young) so he encouraged little Blitz to experiment with gender expression to his heart’s content

He was probably about 7 or 8 when he decided to start going by male pronouns

Blitzen is his birth name, dwarven names are usually pretty gender-neutral. He didn’t feel like he needed to change it

Thanks to both male and female dwarves growing beards he’s pretty comfortable in his own skin even after puberty. He does end up getting top surgery the very minute he can though. Has no plans for bottom surgery

BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND LAYERS ALL THE TIME

It's just a transmasc thing

And you know he’s always wearing suits and ties not just because they’re fashionable but make him very euphoric

Dwarven culture isn’t much better than humans when it comes to accepting trans folk, however, they do consider cosmetic surgery a craft, so their own rules mean they have to respect any and all transitioning surgeries

Mostly Blitzen just doesn’t talk about it much unless someone else brings it up. His father never made a big deal out of it so neither does he

Mostly situational dysphoria, when he’s around his mother or other people who knew him before he transition, other dwarves who can better tell the different subtleties of cis dwarf gender, and of course on the dreaded shark week

Humans and Midgard are both awesome because they see the beard and can’t tell the difference between “male” vs “female” facial hair like other dwarves do. Very easy to pass there

Hearthstone obviously was not in a safe place to explore his gender growing up

On top of all the other shit he had going on during his childhood he was constantly feeling wrong and uncomfortable in his own body

Lots of dissociation and frustration

Alderman wouldn’t let him cut his hair, forced him to wear dresses, and constantly said shit like “bE mOrE lAdYlIkE”

Hearthstone finally figures it out after accidentally stumbling across some websites while trying to research magic. It's just a post on a blog about some spell for good luck to help with transitioning but it’s how he learns being trans is like a real thing

It was both great to know there were other people like him but also like the worst possible news because he knows he could never ever come out and transition while living under his parent’s roof

He was only about 13 and lots of tears were had that night

The very next day he has his first period and just can not anymore

Full snap, cuts his hair short for the very first time, binds his chest grabs what little he owns and gets the hell out of there that day

Meets Blitzen like right after so needless to say he didn’t get much time to explore. He wasn’t about to come out to someone he just met, that shits scary what would he do if Blitzen didn’t accept him? He wouldn’t be strong enough to try world jumping for weeks and wouldn’t survive in Nidavellir without the sunbed

Blitzen had his suspicions but obviously understood why he’d be nervous about coming out, so he just kept his mouth shut about it until Hearthstone felt like talking about it

I’ve made a post about this before, but it happens on accident while Hearth is changing because a) he wasn’t allowed to lock doors growing up b) wouldn’t notice if you knocked to see if he’s in there anyway

What’s not reflected in the comic is Blitzen silently screaming because Hearth has been using ace bandages to bind does he know how dangerous that is???? But he didn’t say anything about it right then because this was a sensitive situation and he wanted to make sure Hearthstone knew he was in the same boat and nothing would change before starting to scold him

Hearthstone cried a lot

It's a big moment that builds their friendship and later romantic relationship and after that Hearthstone starts being a lot more honest about his past with Blitzen

Hearthstone isn’t his birth name, his dead name is probably something to do with flowers, super feminine and he hated it. He doesn’t have a real reason for choosing Hearthstone since it was a bit spur of the moment when Blitzen asked his name. Blitz later asked if he’s sure that's what he wants to go with and Hearthstone decides to stick with it

Part of the deal with Mimir was his parents forgetting that he was born female. It really was no question at all which choice he’d take

(Inge remembers but respects his pronouns because she’s a fucking decent person)

It’s the only reason Alderman didn’t constantly misgender and deadname him. Being in his old home and seeing his father still reminds him of how it used to be though

Hearth has more bad dysphoria days than good. Blitzen is always right there to tell him he looks handsome and very masculine today. Blitz doesn’t have as many bad dysphoria days but you bet your ass when he does Hearthstone will absolutely provide a constant flow of compliments until he starts to feel better

Hearthstone used runes to transition because if you’re trans you’ve totally daydreamed about how awesome and less scary it would be if magic was real. He offered Blitzen to do the same but Blitz had already had top surgery and doesn't really want bottom surgery so he turns it down

Magnus was also encouraged to try exploring his gender from a young age by his mother

I mean.... Just take a moment look at Magnus’ mom for a sec

Yeah that woman ain’t straight Magnus had a good childhood while she was around

I still think it took him a while though

Just because he didn’t really think about it much until puberty happened

He was just starting to think about his gender when his mother died

Later looking back it makes him really sad that he never got to tell her

Then he was homeless and a bit busy

He learned Blitzen and Hearth are both trans pretty quick though

I think this is even mentioned in canon that there's not a lot of privacy living on the street

Probably got an idea when he ran out of pads

Magnus: Fuck I’m out of pads and still got like three days left :/ Blitzen: *handing him some spare pads* Here I got you covered kid Magnus: ?????? Why? do you have these????

He’s a little slow on the uptake bless him

Eventually, he sees Blitz and Hearth’s chest scars and is like OH

He starts asking them both a lot of questions, still thinking its just innocent curiosity but Blitz and Hearth are sharing knowing looks the whole time

Sure enough like only a few days later he’s like “I think I wanna go by Magnus now”

His mother had mentioned to him that’s the name she’d have gone with if he’d been born male and he liked it enough to keep her wish

I wanna say his dead name starts with a B? I dunno why

Birthdays don’t mean much to Magnus while homeless but Blitzen and Hearthstone get him a binder for his 15th birthday, refuse to explain where they got it

(Blitz made it but Hearth was the one to steal the materials he needed)

Magnus obviously never had the option for medical transitioning while alive and homeless, but if given the choice he’d probably get on T but not have any surgeries

Jack is a sword who canonically picked his own name and it’s talked about there being female swords despite having no genital or way to tell, all living weapons choose their own gender he’s trans

Samirah can’t remember not knowing she was a girl

Like Alex she probably just knew from very early

Her grandparents are mentioned being a bit more forward-thinking so while they’re probably not happy per se they allow her to experiment anyway, thinking it a phase

It’s not a phase

Her grandparents mess up her pronouns often and don’t get it all, but its happened less and less the longer she’s been going by female pronouns

They eventually arrange her a properly planned marriage once they realize she’s not changing her mind about being a girl, much to her pleasure

Wearing her hijab and following other classic Muslim gender rules, like having a betrothed and not being alone with a boy, make her very euphoric and happy

She knew right away Magnus was trans too since she like... literally handled his soul when taking him to Valhalla

Seems like something a Valkyrie would be able to tell

Sam is very excited because this is the first time she’s met another trans person but doesn’t know how to bring it up

I’m picturing it happening after they meet Thor when she and Magnus are talking by the campfire

She just awkwardly blurts out “So uh gender huh?”

Magnus has no idea what she’s trying to say at first but once he does he’s very excited to talk trans with her

ftm and mtf solidarity bitch!!!!

Then Alex gets thrown into the mix

She doesn’t know about any of this

Eventually, Sam finds the time to talk to her about her gender, and naturally Alex is ecstatic. It's part of why he takes such joy in being Sam’s chaperone

This happens pretty soon after Alex arrives in Vallhalla

But Alex doesn’t find out the rest are trans too till much later

It just sort of slips out from Blitz, a mention of feeling a bit dysphoric that day and Alex is like “!?!!!!”

After hearing a bit more about Alex’s past Blitzen goes to Hearth and suggests he talk to her

They have a very good venting session about growing up trans with shitty shitty parents

Alex learns about Magnus last

It’s when he comes to Magnus’ room after celebrating and Magnus got covered in chocolate

Magnus has his shirt off and Alex sees his binder and is just like “!!!!!!”

Magnus is a bit flustered but doesn’t really mind being seen shirtless since its Alex and he already knows he’s trans too so he’s not about to get attacked or called a slur

Just like... Alex realizing his whole new little family is trans

Just the whole empty cups fam being trans and all having very different ways of experiencing and expressing it but supporting each other through it all. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

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tiergan-vashir · 5 years

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Hi. Just want to thank you for being open about your experiences. Seeing your posts is part of what made me think about whether I’m actually cis or not. Idk what to call myself because I never questioned myself until now, mostly because I’ve always been called a pretty girl (sorry that that sounds arrogant) and figured that’s what I should be. But recently I started thinking about things I did as a kid or even stories I wrote. And I realized that before I even I guess knew the pressures of (1/4)

Hey Anon! I’m going to put my response to you under a cut, because it’s quite long, but I hope it might help and be of some use to you on your journey with your gender.

I think the most useful thing a friend has ever told me when it came to gender is that “Cis people don’t really think about it.” Cis women don’t typically sit and yearn or dream of being a different gender, wearing a different gender’s clothes with a different gender’s body. If you’re worrying or even considering that the gender you were assigned at birth might not be the gender you truly are - I think that’s something worthy of giving some space and putting some time into in order to explore and discover the different parts of yourself.

If you do all that exploration and internal reflection and decide in the end, that you really are cis after all - then at least you reaffirmed it for yourself and maybe learned some new things about yourself along the way that can lead to greater creativity and self-expression. But if you realise you’re not cis, you can start walking down a path to even more self-acceptance and self-discovery.

When it comes to gender dysphoria and whether or not you may have it, I would say that sometimes people have set notions on what gender dysphoria is and completely miss that they’ve been experiencing it at all. There’s actually different types of gender dysphoria and different folks experience them in different ways (or not at all. For example, someone might feel physically dysphoric but not socially or vice versa). I would also try to look out for instances of gender euphoria, which can also be a telling sign.

In my personal experience, I didn’t know being nonbinary was an even option until just a few years ago. After that, I still doubted my gender, because when it came to dysphoria, literally all the stories I’d ever heard were ones where trans folks were so powerfully dysphoric that living life as their assigned birth gender was absolutely unbearable.

Because I’d never heard anything different, I thought that being in a constant, state of overwhelming suffering was mandatory part of the trans experience before you transition and that if you weren’t utterly miserable, depressed, or suicidal as a pre-transition trans person, it meant you were cis. Period. I had no idea at the time that dysphoria can actually come in different forms (social and physical) and can come in varying degrees of strength.

This youtube video is the best way I’ve ever heard someone describe how I personally also have experienced gender dysphoria, which is as an ever present ‘hum’. Background noise that is so constant that you start to not hear it anymore, because it’s always there. Being referred to by she/her pronouns didn’t really bug me (though that’s changed now if I can tell someone’s intentionally trying to misgender me). I don’t HATE my body. I just feel a little awkward about it and don’t really like looking at it all that much - but I thought that was kinda normal for anyone who wasn’t a super model. I hated most women’s clothing for most of my life, but I just kinda thought I just didn’t like fashion. I could live as a woman if I had to, even if I sometimes found myself wishing and dreaming (both figuratively and literally) I was a tall handsome man instead.

Meanwhile, just like that video above also describes: gender euphoria was like a bell. This bright, short-lived flash of happiness and joy. Every time someone referred to me as he/his OOC, I felt this burst of happiness and excitement. Every time I saw pictures online of androgynous people or women that could dress so masculinely people mistook them for men, I felt a joyful rush. (The Kpop singer Amber had me obsessed for weeks. I thought I had a crush on her, until I realised I straight up wished I could BE her, because so many people mistook her for a boy in a girl’s band.)

There were several times in the past where I low-key avoided telling people what my gender was IRL when I played as male characters in other games, because I wanted to spend just a little more time getting to enjoy people calling me by male pronouns OOC. And when I was a young teenager RPing male characters, I straight up lied to my RP buddy and told them I was a boy, crafting this whole other persona of this tall, handsome male version of myself. I liked being seen as a boy so much that I didn’t want to ruin the illusion of it.

Unfortunately, this backfired when this RP buddy and I became very close and they eventually wanted to visit me IRL. I spent hours trying on my brother’s clothes, and then burst into tears, because my body was all wrong and I just could not pass as male at all. It was the strongest gender dysphoria I’d ever felt in my life.

I feel like that should probably have been the moment I realised I wasn’t quite cis, but I didn’t even know what ‘transgender’ or ‘nonbinary’ was at that time. And even when I did learn it was a thing, living as a girl/woman wasn’t CONSTANT SUSTAINED SUFFERING to me, so the thought that I might not be cis didn’t even register.

It was instead the repeated, consistent bursts of gender euphoria over the years that eventually made me question myself and my gender. Noticing again and again how much more ecstatic and joyful I felt when seeing people who were visibly genderqueer or when people referred to me by he/him pronouns or just thought I was a man, really hit home.

Unfortunately, people don’t really talk about gender euphoria very much at all when it comes to the trans experience, just about the suffering. Even now, I still sometimes get hit with bursts of “but is it really enough? have I suffered enough to earn this label? Am I a ‘transtrender’?” Sometimes the joy and happiness at being gendered correctly is also a really good sign.

The funny thing is, once I realised I wasn’t a cis woman, I was able to re-examine traditionally feminine things see how I felt about them. Like I mentioned in another post, I used to HATE and feel frustrated by make-up. Now I love it and deeply enjoy it now that I feel like it’s about my own self-expression instead of me doing something because it’s what women are supposed to do. I discovered I love long, elaborate earrings and want to wear those things regularly While I generally prefer more androgynous clothing, there are a few very feminine pieces of clothing I really like (and some that make me so dysphoric I yeeted them into the trash).

On the flipside, I also found out I really, really fucking love suits and want to look and feel powerful in one. I want several masculine-cut vests, and ties as soon as I find ones I like that actually fit me. I love anything that minimizes the existence of my boobs and want to fine more masculine footwear (though that’s hard, because I have tiny feet). I tossed most of my bras out and replaced them with bralettes. And I love blending the masculine and feminine together. I was ecstatic when a friend told me that I achieved Peak Gender Confusion Inducement with my new haircut. Seeing Billly Porter in his gown + tuxedo jacket combo made my heart fucking sing.

I feel really free and empowered to be more myself than I have in a long time. And I hope, if anything else, your exploration helps you find that in yourself too regardless of what your gender winds up being in the end.

Hope this helps! Sorry this was so long.

#gender stuff #rl ramblings #gender #Anonymous

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areasontobreathe · 5 years

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To any of my followers who spent their holidays being judged by strangers and family who can’t take the time to even know you, I just want you to know, you aren’t alone.

On every single social media platform I am on, I try very hard to spread positivity. And I get it, it comes off a little saccharine at times - You aren’t just thinking I am trying to hard sometimes. I am literally trying too hard sometimes, because I have had such a crummy day/week/whatever that I want to put some ‘nice’ in the world in case someone else is going through what I am going through, or something even worse.

Because, honestly, I wish someone was there to be nice to me.

However, the travesty of a holiday that I recently experienced must be said. This is your last chance: if you click below, there is profanity, mention of homophobia, mention of someone wishing rape on another individual, discussion of Christianity in both positive and negative light, and you’ll probably leave thinking I am crazy. And that’s okay - I know it sounds nuttier than squirrel turds, but it’s a harmless kind of crazy, which you’ll see if you read on.

Oh, and this is 100% not made up. Which is even weirder.

Christmas is usually my absolute favorite holiday. I get an excuse to wear silly sweaters and buy silly and/or thoughtful gifts. I get to cook for people I love and their families. Deck the house out in lights, cinnamon scented everything. I just love it.

2018 conspired to change that, apparently. In the lead up between Thanksgiving and Christmas, my spouse and I had a huge fight. The reason? Their family decided that ‘we’ were doing Christmas at my spouse’s uncle’s house. The misogynist, racist, homophobic, Christian zealot uncle’s house.

Umm... How about nooooooooooo. I refused to go, because this man has successfully pissed me right the fuck off every holiday for the last 7 years. I am not letting him ruin my Christmas this year. No. So, fight ensues, because my family is staying with us, and my spouse currently cannot stand the sight of my mom and wants to spend time with his family.

Eventually, the decision is made that the in-laws are coming to my house for Christmas instead (what on earth did I sign up for?). I made 2 things abundantly clear:

1) My family does an appetizer-buffet style Christmas, so that’s what I’m making, because I just made an enormous, traditional Thanksgiving dinner a month ago.

2) If Uncle Douchenozzle acts out of line, I’m kicking him out of my house. End of story. I’m a big believer in forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean I have to let him be rude to me.

Spouse agrees, in laws are coming to my house. Sigh.

Day of Christmas, I’m busting my butt getting food prepared, because my kitchen is too tiny for assistance, really, and everything has to be timed properly, whatnot. All other family members are sick and can’t make it. Okay, fine, leftovers for days.

Oh, But Uncle Douchenozzle makes it over to my house. He insists we all stop eating so he can pray over the meal before he eats. He talks at the top of his lungs and drives literally everyone but my spouse and I out of the room, and I’m squishing a panic attack as hard as I can to avoid being rude. Finally, time to exchange gifts, which means we can usher him out soon. He hands my spouse a wrapped package, and me a card. It’s a pretty typical Christmas card, doves and peace and joy and all that.

And a little note:

Go ahead. Look those verses up. I’ll wait.

Yeah. You did not misread those. This man came into my home, at my reluctance, ate at my table, and gave me Christmas card with a message that says, essentially, that I’m going to Hell. I’m sure he meant well, in his judgmental way: he has made inferences that my spouse and I don’t know God and he would really like us to get saved, etc, so on, so forth, for several years now. But the thing is? He has no idea what our leanings on faith/religion are. He has never bothered to ask, he just assumes we are Atheists or something because we disagree with him a lot of the time.

Well, yeah dude. You disowned your daughter when she came out to you at 18, and literally said you hope she gets raped as punishment from God for her homosexuality. I’m gonna disagree with you, hard.

And this is where things get kind of hysterical: I do, actually, believe in God. I’m saved. Have been for over 20 years. Then again, I don’t think Uncle Douchenozzle and I believe in the same God necessarily, sooo.... And honestly, I would never say I am Christian, because WBC is ‘Christian’, Uncle Douchenozzle is ‘Christian’, and I agree with half of one fact that I have heard from either of them - Yep, There’s a God. After that, it’s a lot of ‘nope’.

Where I start to sound madder than a box of frogs: The reason I don’t believe in any of the same things they do. It’s because I am, believe it or not, a child of prophecy.

Wait! Hang on! I’m not joking! Just listen a sec, okay?

When I was 14, I was a Church Camp (which is a thing), and the pastor at the camp prophesied over me between lunch and dinner one day (If you have ever spent a lot of time around Fundamental Christians of the Protestant Flavor, this is a really normal thing, I swear). Nothing flashy, no booming harmonics or funny lights or suspicious fog machines. But I will never forget what he told me, especially because it came out of pretty much nowhere.

He said that I was called by God to be a Servant (be patient...). Not to serve and grovel at the foot of man, but help and aide others without hesitation, to love without judgement, and to forgive completely. And that, while my name would be forgotten, as all servants in the Bible were (even the Angels who opened Jesus’ tomb had no names) my kindness and unwavering support of people would change lives.

He said this. To a 14 year old girl. Who was eight years into being abused by her own brother, and only stopped being abused by her grandmother because the grandmother fucking croaked. I did exactly what you think I did. I said “oh, fuck this dude, he’s nuts.” And I spent the next several years avoiding being kind to people, just because no one was there for me when I needed it.

Oh, my, gosh. I was miserable. Then, God got a little impatient and a lot less subtle about this shit: My boss asked me to help her organize a food and gift drive for underprivleged teenagers who aged out of Toys For Tots but were still young enough that it sucked not getting Christmas presents. I had actually been one of those kids before, minus the toy drive, so I attacked this thing with a vengence. My team spoiled those kids rotten, gave them good food that you actually want to eat.... everything for Christmas dinner but the main meat course. I did God’s work out of spite because no one was there for me like that.

It was the gateway good-deed, my friends. I was genuinely happy for the first time in years. And it slid from there: Being nice to people, volunteer events and fundraisers once a month, 6 different gift and/or food drives at Christmas, you name it. And I feed people. Oh my gosh do I feed people. It’s like a compulsion: if you are at my house and it gets dark, I assume you are staying for dinner and will cook for you.

But other things have come to mind over the years: I have never in my life judged someone for their religion. Honestly, I’m pretty sure we all believe in the same higher power, we just use different names (which, technically, Christianity does say there is only one God... And if they’re all the same higher power, then yeah, that’s true). Being a jerk about it, yeah I judge, but I let them prove they’re assholes before I call them one. I have always been genuinely nonplussed when people come out to me. Cool, I’m very glad you trust me enough to tell me. I will literally never tell anyone, because that would not be cool of me. Okay. Good talk. And I am actually that person who sees a challenge when someone decides they don’t like me as a person. Oh, for real fam? We gon’ be besties. Just you wait. (One person I did this to actually brags out how ‘insidiously friendly’ I am)

Then we circle back, and that Bible verse is jotted in my Christmas card. I sobbed for 2 hours, could not calm down. Like, dude, you don’t even know me. I am literally doing what God told me to do!

So yeah, if you had someone hate you for religion, or sexual orientation, or being trans... if you had to hide yourself and listen to them disparage people like you, I am so so sorry. But I’m here for you. Because you read this entire beast of a post, so you were there for me. We need to be there for each other 💜

#long post #i'm not kidding #tw:profanity #tw: christianity #really this is long

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sleemo · 7 years

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A NEW HOPE

Kelly Marie Tran explores a galaxy far, far away. —Elle Canada, Dec 2017

I’m on hold for a few minutes as I wait for a publicist to patch my call through to Kelly Marie Tran; the music playing is “How Far I’ll Go” from Moana—an unusually stirring (but very Disney) detail. Turns out, she’s hearing the same thing.

“I literally laughed so hard listening to that,” says Tran after we connect, still giggling. She then confesses that the animated hit featured heavily on her playlist a few months ago, although she’s more into the Dear Evan Hansen Broadway cast recording these days.

Tran’s name might not be immediately familiar to you, but just wait for December 15. That’s when the latest instalment of the Star Wars franchise, Star Wars: The Last Jedi, hits theatres and when Tran, a Vietnamese-American, will make history as the first major character played by an Asian woman in the saga. Although details about her character, Rose Tico, have been guarded more tightly than an Imperial Prison, we do know this: She’s a resistance fighter/mechanic who befriends John Boyega’s ex-stormtrooper turned galaxy saver. Rose is also described as a bit of a “nobody,” which could apply to Tran herself—before this, the San Diego native’s biggest onscreen credits were some videos for CollegeHumor.

That’s why the Moana “on hold” music feels eerily on point: This is kind of Tran’s standing-on-the-beach-looking- out-at-the-wide-ocean moment, and this 28-year-old is embracing it with joy, gusto and intelligent good humour that feel very Disney princess like...circa 2017.

Were you brought up on Star Wars? “No, I wasn’t! I think that not seeing the movies actually helped me. I could take myself out of the situation when I was auditioning and create the character. Once I got the part, I watched all of the movies, read as much as I could and went on all of the message boards.”

What dark corners of the Internet did that take you to? “I was everywhere. I’ve been on Reddit and Making Star Wars [a mega-fan website], and I saw Twitter accounts created by people so that they can tweet one another and role-play as the characters. I love it. I’m aging myself, but I wish Twitter had been around when I was 10 so I could have done things like that. But it has been so cool to see pictures and things coming out in the press and everyone trying to figure out what this or that means. It’s really interesting!”

The Star Wars universe has gotten progressively more diverse, and your character is a major part of that. “I just know that when I was younger, there were very few people who looked like me in movies, so I know how much it would have meant to me [to see this character]. I feel the pressure of doing right by the franchise, and then, outside of that, I also feel like so many people are excited about an Asian person being in the movie. It’s exciting, but I don’t take it lightly. Star Wars is something that so many people have loved for so long, and I understand how important these stories are. Storytelling is the one true love story in my life, and it’s gotten me through so much.”

Take me back to your first day on the set. “First of all, walking onto a set like that, where everything is built and looks real, is a whole other thing. It’s such a crazy feeling, being in full costume and makeup and looking up and seeing ‘Finn’ and all these characters that people love. I remember feeling like I was about to play the Superbowl, like I had to go into ‘game mode’ and not acknowledge all these things while I was working—I couldn’t let myself freak out. And then when I’d go home, I was like, ‘OMG!’”

Did you get to know Daisy Ridley and John Boyega before you met them as “Rey” and “Finn”? “I got to hang out with both of them before we started shooting. To have people like that on your side, who’ve already gone through what you’re experiencing, is so comforting. Daisy was so welcoming to me, and she didn’t have to be. That was the coolest thing: Every single person on that set was a very loving, open human being, and that is not something you can say about every movie. I mean, this is my first big picture so I’m just assuming!”

Did you make any new-kid mistakes along the way? “I was probably making them all the time, but everybody was so nice they weren’t telling me. I mostly just watched other people do things and then I’d be like, ‘Cool. That’s what a mark is’ or ‘Okay, so that’s what a stand-in does.’”

What were you doing before you got this part? “I was working as an assistant in an office to support my acting career. I did that for a long time.”

Was the day you got to quit that gig the best ever? “Anytime you want to be doing something with your life but you’re not, and you’re just doing something as a means to an end, you’re counting down the days. That’s not to say I didn’t make friends doing that job! I actually remember that on the day I got the part, I had to go back to work and couldn’t tell anyone. I had to finish the day as if nothing had happened. I answered emails and took phone calls. But, yeah, the day I did quit was pretty historic.”

#i corrected some of their spelling mistakes #rey was spelled rei and music was musak...#kelly marie tran #rose tico #cast #star wars #the last jedi #tlj #elle canada #interview #*

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theletterformallyknownasq · 4 years

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Kaja - August 22nd, 2018

Me: All right. Session 2. I'm here with Kaja Vang. Thank you for allowing me to interview you and hear your stories and your experiences of being Queer and immigrant while living and working and making home in Minnesota. Can you tell me how you received your name? Kaja: My mom said that my grandma had a dream and it was filled with a lot of fireflies. She just woke up and told my mom 'you're gonna name your kid Kab Ntsha.' That's how you pronounce it in Hmong. Kab meaning Bug, Ntsha meaning Light. And my mom was like 'OK cool.' And then she gave me my middle name which is Mindie. But my grandma basically named me.

Me: Have you ever revisited that story with your family to confirm that? Kaja: When I was a teenager, yeah. So my grandma passed this past winter, so I wish I took the time to actually talk to my grandma and figure out how did she specifically came up with my name. Because memories and words aren't always 100% what my people say. My mom is super dramatic sometimes. So when I was little when I first entered the academic world, my teacher couldn't pronounce my name, so they came up with Kaja, I just went with it. Then I was like, 'is that how I pronounce my name?' It sounded way easier. So I'm like 'OK cool whatever.' And then when I was transitioning into my freshman year in college, I was like 'oh I really want to reclaim my name and make sure people say it right.' And then I was talking to this white boy. He's like, "What's your name?" I'm like 'It's Kab Ntsha.' He's like 'Oh, ganja like weed?' And from that point I'm like 'nope, zip, I'm going with Kaja, pronounce my name wrong. I don't give a shit.' I only correct you if I love you dearly and you're a part of my life and I want that to be a thing. But general strangers, the youth that I work with, they sometimes call me the wrong name that sounds similar to Kaja. And people always question 'Oh is that how you say your name in Hmong?' And I'm like, 'no but I'm not trying to teach you right now.' Me: How have people mispronounced your name? Kaja: They call me Kaia which is like some white European shit. It's K-A-I-A instead of the J. They call me Kesha. Me: No. Kaja: They call me Tasha. Me: Nahhhh. But The "T"?! Kaja: Right? But that's the general gist of what people call me. And I just don't want to correct them unless I really care about them. Me: How do you identify? Pronouns et al? Kaja: I identify as a nonbinary and Queer Hmong writer. I write a lot. I'm pretty gay. Me: You kind of already touched on this but where's your family from? Kaja: So they are technically from Laos. I don't know my dad's history, I mainly know my mom’s. She grew up in the refugee camps in Thailand. Thailand and Laos is where my family is from. Me: And what brought them to Minnesota? Kaja: Colonialism. White supremacy. The U.S.-Vietnam War. My mom was born in 1974, so she grew up in the middle to end-ish of the Vietnam War. My mom's the oldest in her family and she had I think two younger brothers at that time when my grandma decided to leave Laos to go to the refugee camps in Thailand. She left my mom and her younger sister behind. So my mom and her younger sister had to basically leave. Someone ended up taking them to a refugee camp somewhere. I'm not sure if it's in Laos or Thailand. My mom was like 5 or something. She found aunties at the refugee camps and every morning before the sun rose, she would exit the refugee camp and then knock on neighbors’ doors and beg for food and she would come home, come back to the refugee camp and feed her younger sister. All the aunties kept telling her that her mom didn't love her, that she abandoned her and her father left as well. My granddad left way before my grandmother left to go to another refugee camp. But eventually a couple of years later, my grandpa came back and realizes she's his daughter, tells her to leave with him. And the whole family got reunited in the United States again. Me: Wow. I’m holding that for you, that's really heavy and hard to recall. My family had a similar experience but we were never displaced from our homelands. Thank you for sharing that. And what has kept them and yourself here? Kaja: I think the hopes and dreams of living a better life. For my parents, this is what they've always thought the U.S. would be. A place you can make it on your own and have your own business and be wealthy in terms of what Hmong immigrants think is successful. In my eyes, they're super successful. They have always thrown themselves into new experiences. So I grew up in a grocery store that my mom and dad got handed down from shady ass uncles. My mom and dad just kind of winged everything and learned everything about business by themselves. And they've always pushed me to be super innovative, creative, and to make a lot of money. And for me the reason why I'm here is because I'm about community. I found people who love me for who I am, and really support me and my journey of finding and expressing my authentic self. And that's why I'm here. Me: Would you want to stay in Minnesota? Kaja: For the time being, yes. I’m pretty sure this is an excuse for myself, but my parents are transitioning from owning a grocery store and then having the state buy the land because they want to pave a highway through it and do this man-made sewage lake thing.

Kaja: So then my mom and dad then purchased another commercial building a few miles away from the original one and this was a transitioning time my mom got her hairstyling license. And we bought this commercial building with the money that the government gives and my mom opened up her own beauty salon. And so right now, business has been going down and instead of renting out the open spaces in the building, my dad decided to renovate the middle space and make it a grocery store again. And so right now I'm kind of stuck helping them. Feeling obligated to be here for them still. But I mean I would like to move elsewhere and experience what life could be or how community looks like outside of Minnesota. Me: Hmm. East Coast then, maybe? Kaja: I haven't been there as an adult. I've only been to New York when I was a teenager. Me: What do you do for a living? Kaja: I work at a homeless drop-in center for youth between 16 and 23. I'm basically a social worker that stays in one spot. I don't leave the building ever, so I just do a lot of case management stuff or I build relationships with youth and provide them basic needs. But outside of that stuff that I do for a living that I don't get paid for, I do a lot of community organizing but not in terms of what the white structure of what community organizing is. I write and hope that would be something I can get paid to do one day. But I'm still trying to figure that out. Me: Next question is what gives you joy? Kaja: Gives me joy? Off the top of my head, I think puppies and babies. That gives me joy as well as connecting and getting to know more Queer and Trans folks of color as well as seeing how my parents are slowly learning and shifting their verbiage of talking about Queer and Trans Hmong people. My mom and dad are always using the excuse that they're too old and can't learn anything new, relying heavily on their kids. Just seeing the initial moment where I told my mom that I'm Queer. She's been referring to my partner as my partner instead of my friend. Slow steps. And that's cool with me. And that brings me a lot of joy, intermingled with a lot of frustration and anger. Good food brings me joy. Eating with other people brings me joy. I hate eating by myself. Me: What does Queer mean to you? I'm going to ask you to elaborate on your definition. Kaja: Queer. It means freedom or space to invest in yourself where you're liberated from the constraints of who you should be. So before I came out or identified as being Queer, I wondered if I was bisexual, and then was like ‘nah, bisexual doesn't feel like me, doesn't feel good to me.’ And then I wondered if I’m pansexual? Am I just attracted to people's personalities? And I'm like ‘nah, that doesn't feel good to me.’ And coming across the word Queer and having a community to reclaim that word again felt right. And it didn't feel too constraining or too rigid, but rather I get to define what Queer means to me. And you might have a different definition and that's cool. I don't mind that. But to me, it just means I'm able to move freely in my journey of discovering all of my identities and how that affects me in the ways that I navigate life. Me: What do you like or don't like about the mainstream definition? Kaja: I don't like white Queers. They're terrible. I have a couple of co-workers who are white cis gay men who say stuff like, "Back in my day, the word Queer was horrible. I don't know why you young kids are using it now." And I'm like ‘ok, to each their own, whatever. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone.’ And then to the younger Queers or Queers my age, the mainstream usage of it just seems too academic where you have to have the right definition of Queer. And there is no fucking right definition of Queer. And even if your definition doesn't match, you're shunned. Using the word Queer in the mainstream way just seems so full of privilege and whiteness and I don't like that.

Me: Amen. Affirming all of those things. How does your family's culture define Queer? Kaja: YIKES. Me: If they can? Kaja: It's like an intermix of adopting the english word 'gay' to describe all types of Queer relationships and Queerness. Using slang terms. I don't know how to say it correctly, but it's a word that people have adapted to describe Trans women in community. But that's a really negative context that they use it in. It's just also kind of not spoken about. We don't talk about it. We don't acknowledge it. We pretend that Queer and Trans Folk people have never existed before and people think you're just crazy and that you need to find yourself a good man or woman then you'll be OK. I can't describe it in words but rather like in feelings of what Queerness means to the Hmong Community. A lot of shame and guilt and a lot of gaslighting that happens. Like an out of body experience of where you're like ‘Oh am I really Queer?’ But we don't have a word for it. It's shameful. So they think I'm just crazy. So I should probably marry a man.

Me: Last question before we get kicked out of this booth! It's a lil long though. If you could address the most influential public figures and decision makers in the state right now, what would you say about improving the standard of living for someone like yourself in Minnesota? Kaja: Well I don't know the academic term, but the health care where they don't bill you separately and you never meet your deductions and so you have to pay out of pocket for your health care. Universal health care that's affordable. Affordable in terms of we're not sacrificing X Y and Z to pay off our health care bills. We need health care that is encompassing all identities and all genders and all needs so we don't always have to go to specialty doctors and having to pay more and take the chances to cover it out of pocket. Kaja: Housing. Having a more sustainable way of providing housing for folks. Because homelessness is a huge issue here and people always go 'well why don't they work? Then they can get a place. Why isn't there enough public housing?' But there is enough public housing. The thing is we don't provide support to make that housing sustainable for them and we're only worried about if they're going to make enough money on time to pay for rent. It's more than that. It also includes mental health that affects their stability in housing. It also affects what barriers do people have to go through, especially being Queer and Trans and folks of color, to get jobs that pay you well and pay you enough so that you're able to have sustainable housing and that you don't always have to move here and there. And at the end of your lease, if your rent has gone up, you don't always have to find a new place, you know? We're always being displaced. We're always being moved. We are constantly forced to choose. Choose to live in a communal space where we're sharing a house with people, like 6-8 people in one place. And it's not like I only want my own house or my own space, but instead I want that to be a choice rather than out of necessity. Where you have Queer and Trans folks of color having to pool money together, having to share the little resources that they have to be able to support one another. That shouldn't be a thing. It should feel like a choice. But we're doing it out of necessity and survival. Put more Queer and Trans people in higher positions instead of assessing their background in education and experience and them not being good enough for those positions. Or the worry or the threat that we pose as Queer and Trans folks of color when we're trying to get hired for a supervisor position. It's not a threat to you and your power for the company to hire more Queer and Trans folks of color in a higher position.

Me: Well it challenges a power structure, that's why they don't do it. Make us the public figures and decision makers? Kaja: Hell yeah. Especially if you're working with Black and Brown youth, don't you think that? Me: They would respond a little more if they recognized themselves in the people in positions of power?

Kaja: Yeah. Like, why would you hire a white person to fill a role who doesn't reflect the population you’re serving? Me: Or does it? Kaja: Oooooh. Me: On that note. I think that is really awesome. Thank you Kaja!

#interviews

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