#sorry for the massive vent

[k3nnn1th]

I am now in the headspace where if I don't know your tumblr I will go through your blog.

My trust has just dissapeared.

Never thought I'd experience this. This is the shit that I see in those video essays, can't believe I've actually kind of experienced it.

Its always like: "Oh, that's terrible! I hope that never happens to me. I hope those victims/people who were hurt/people who went through it get better and find peace!"

So it gets worse. It gets really worse. This wasn't exactly supposed to be a vent but it all went downhill.

I talk about suicide and self harm in this.

I hate how she was the one who really got me into Doors. I hate how she was the first person I considered a friend. I hate how that inside joke is ruined now. I hate how she got me familiar with so many things. I hate how I felt bad for her. I hate the fact that I thought I felt like I could relate to her medically. I hate the fact that she was the one who I went to for help. I hate how I asked her for help when I was suicidal. I hate how I relied on her. I hate that I have so many memories with her in them. I hate how I thought we were best friends. I hate how manipulative she is. I hate how she hurt so many people. I hate her

I HATE HER SHITTY APOLOGIES. I HATE HOW THE "APOLOGY" SHE GAVE ME WAS MASSIVE AND FILLED WITH LIES AND MANIPULATION TACTICS. I HATE HOW SHE TRIED TO GUILT TRIP US. I HATE HOW SHE FAKED THINGS THAT PEOPLE GENUINELY SUFFER FROM. I FUCKING HATE HER AND I JUST WANT TO FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

SHE KNOWS IM SUICIDAL. SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE HURT MYSELF, DOESNT SHE?! SHE JUST FUCKING LOVES TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE. EVER SINCE LAST YEAR, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN RUINED. HEART SURGERY, CUDA PASSING AWAY, HIGHSCHOOL, IRL FRIENDS THAT HURT ME, GETTING TOLD IM MATURE FOR MY AGE, WANTING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF, LOSING MOTIVATION FOR EVERYTHING, LEARNING THE ONLY GOOD FRIENDS I HAVE ARE SUFFERING IN THEIR OWN WAYS AND ME WANTING TO HELP THEM BUT I CANT, AND NOW THIS?!

THATS ALL I COULD THINK OF! THERES PROBABLY MORE! I JUST WANT TO TEAR MYSELF APART AND KILL MYSELF BUT IM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO DIE. IF I DIDNT HAVE ALL OF THESE FEARS I CAN BET YOU ID BE GONE BY NOW.

I'm sorry that I have to rely on so many people in order to not lose it. I wish I didn't have to rely on everyone and make their day worse by bringing her up.

Just fucking leave us alone, selfish asshole.

This wasn't meant to be massive. It was just meant to be everything until I started saying how much I hate things.

I won't be killing myself any time soon. I can't do it because I know how many people would be devastated to see me gone. I had to experience my brother trying, and even though it wasn't successful, I'm still heartbroken from it. That was years ago, too.

Thank you to the people who have been helping me.

I will continue to help others and keep an eye out.

I will make sure people block her.

Just. Block. Her.

#tw//ivory ment #sorry for the massive vent #tell me if I should delete this #tw // sh #tw // suicide #tw #tw sui vent #tw sh #tw sh destructive behaviour #tw suicide #cw sui mention #cw sh #cw sh mention

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

this just in: uplifting people just by virtue of their assigned gender at birth in the name of feminism found to be transphobic so now we're just gonna shit on those who CHOOSE to be male presenting bc it's a CHOICE right so we can tell them they're inherently inferior right guys??!!

bioessentialism found to be transphobic so we're jumping straight into gender essentialism which is totally cool as long as it's pretending to be feminism!!!!

#IM SORRY im sorry #i genuinely really enjoyed the trans rep in the first half 9/10 #then they just HAD to tue rose being trans into the plot and then do some weird steven moffat ass feminism thing #no he would not have got it if he was still a woman!! #he's the same fucking person she's standing right in front of youuu i want to scream #doctor who spoilers #rtd trued and i massively appreciate him trying and not shying away from rose's identity #but he overshot like massively #and ngl it was really bloody hurtful #mine #sorry this is probably too much im not mad they're uplifting women and very definitively including trans women in that #but they can do it without shitting on other people #negativity #vent tw #doctor who #also is rose meant to be a trans woman or nonbinary transfem? #i mean she can totally be both go girl but there seemed kinda mixed messaging #a lot of girl and woman and then at the end randomly throwing in nonbinary and neither #but again she can totally be both just seemed a bold choice for first trans character to not definitely be one or the other #but go off rose #hnngh im sorry but this just feels like the david not wesring jodies costume thing x1000 #one slap in the face after another

[dippy-ecks]

I have been having god awful lightheadedness/palpitations for like a month now and I requested an appointment with my doctor for the first time in years so here’s to hoping they actually take me seriously 🤞🤪

#Had an intense panic attack last month and have felt awful since #I’m keep telling myself it’s only bc I’ve been trying to quit alcohol but I dunno #I’ve been feeling like such massive shit and with that heart scare a couple years ago I’ve been a little hmmm #Sorry lowkey vent post lol #don’t mind dippy

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I feel like I'm gonna fucking die

#my mom made me feel guilty about the music I listen to bc I got my sister into Paramore and our mom REALLY disapproves of Pmore #I accidentally dropped a small item down the toilet mid-flush and now I'm sick worrying what's gonna happen #i have to go to worship practice tonight and deal with an extremely difficult sound technician #youth group has been horribly stressful #i need to do a ton of work still tonight #I just found out I massively screwed up on a job app a couple weeks ago #and I just want to like. disappear for a while #just like. poof. no more Lu for a bit #I feel like Anything I do is gonna be Wrong somehow #I can't listen to music to chill bc i feel guilty ABOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC #I don't think I have the mental space to read rn bc I'm reading fricking house of leaves #if I tried to write I would probably hate what comes out #but idk that seems the most promising at this point that's the only thing I can honestly say I want to do #Lu rambles #sorry for the language I just needed to vent

[sureuncertainty]

okay so like how do you set boundaries with an internet friend that you don't wanna be friends with anymore? this is no one here, this is someone i know via instagram and I kinda just realized is actually a dick to me? all the time? and i don't wanna talk to them anymore much less have them edit my book (which they offered to do and I stupidly already said yes)

I don't wanna block them without saying anything, i literally have trauma around being blocked for no reason BUT like is that worse than like? just ghosting them forever? cause that's what I've been kinda doing already

this person CLAIMS to like my book but they've also given me stupid super nit-picky and mean spirited criticisms on it that make no sense that are literally like suspension of disbelief things (also they tried to say that it was "unrealistic" for Cain to not be arrested for tax fraud, which like. buddy you're european and you have no fucking idea what CEO billionaires in the US are fucking capable of getting away with apparently lol)

These criticisms were basically unprompted btw. they were like oh can i make some comments and I said yeah sure thinking it'd be something small and then they proceeded to tell me that my entire story makes no sense and kinda mock it and make fun of it and make me feel dumb

so they made me really insecure about my writing and also literally none of my headmates like them and we get that we can't stop them from reading our book when it's published BUT we just don't want to talk to them about it or have them read it for free

i asked a friend about it and they think they're jealous of me and that's why they say they like my book but are also picking it apart and idk if that's true but I don't think they're like... PURPOSEFULLY being an asshole they just are. i literally dread every message I get from them. OH also they called one of my headmates an ableist slur which like okay fine, it's a common slur that people throw around but it was still hmmmm not great (we are not out as a system on instagram btw)

they send me videos that are completely irrelevant to my interests, they've been BUGGING me about when i'll send them the chapters of silence agenda I told them they could edit (which now will not be happening lol). also our very first conversation was them trying to tell me that studying titanic history doesn't matter WHEN I WAS LITERALLY GRIEVING AFTER THE SUBMERSIBLE DISASTER LAST SUMMER AND VENTING MY FRUSTRATIONS ABOUT IT. and i did snap at them that time and we worked it out and both apologized for making assumptions which was fine but still. like i almost blocked them the moment they sent me that message and now i really really really wish I had bc I feel like i'm in too deep

we also have several mutuals in common and i would worry that if I blocked them on everything, they'd ask one of our common mutuals about it (or a mutual would share my art or something) and they'd realize that I have them blocked, and then i'd have to like. explain myself. and i don't feel comfortable telling those mutuals about it bc i DO NOT want to be that person that's like 'hey jsyk you're following this person who is Problematique' bc i DESPISE when people do that

anyway yeah i just don't know how to handle it and any advice would be appreciated. idk how i've been putting up with this person's bullshit for so long like dear lord i kinda felt like i yanked the wool off my eyes today and realized how fucking awful they are to me

#sorry for the massive vent i just wanted to get these feelings out #and i did end up blocking an ex tumblr mutual once and haven't regretted it but they were a radfem #this is different obviously #but yeah none of us want anything to do with this person ever again. we don't wanna put up with their bullshit #win rambles #vent /

[ib3li3v3you]

Does anyone know how to kill the feeling of utter dread and pure anxiety of the future??? Istg if my heart diesnt stop pounding and anxiety doesnt stop making me throw up 5 seconds i feel like ill just collapse and die

#massive life changing exam tmrw #absolutely shitting bricks #and nothing is sticking in my head #and wtvr tiny amount of motivation ibhad is completely vanished #i hate this i hate this i hate this #im gonna fail so hard #sorry needed to vent out this debilitating fear

[belleski]

apparently all of ‘For the future’ got leaked, so for the next 16-17 days this is no owl house zone. we’re on a 16-17 day long owl house quarentine

#not to be dramatic or anything but im devestated #i alreadyyy knowwww that some pullock with a youtube channel that only post clips of disney tv shows with 8 million subs or smth #is gonna post a video with a massive spoiler tumblnail and a massive spoiler title in capital letters #and there is going to be now way to avoid that because you cant block youtube topics i dont think #this has happened to me at least 3 times now #like im sorry but im asleep when episodes come out!! so when i wake up people have already edited together perfect little spoiler vids like! #please dont?! im not talking to anyone is particular im kinda just venting about timezones now lol #anyway - stay safe out there famsquad #and if you send me spoilers i will block you im sorry

[nebulouscoffee]

... well it's that time of the year already. If anyone's got a Star Trek ask I'd love a distraction <3

#was really hoping the new year could be a reset ugh #but this last week Alone has been so tragic #this lovely man who used to be the watchman at my school died #he wasn't even that old #he's been around as long as I can remember... he used to remember all our names & chat with all our parents & grandparents & now he's gone #just out of the blue #& then this girl I literally played with as a kid just randomly got this massive brain bleed out of nowhere #she's YOUNG like she's only a handful of years older than me she's literally still in her 20s I think. she has a newborn baby #now she's in critical care and we don't even know if she'll make it. she's my mum's best friend's daughter we literally hung out #idk this is messing me up a bit... like #it's insane how anything can just happen it's insane how little time we have it's insane #cw death #(I don't have many followers but if anyone wants me to start tagging these vent posts anything else pls do say so lol) #(I honestly thought I'd made the last of them) #(but unfortunately people I know just! keep! dying! & I can't really complain like this anywhere else. sorry)

[theokusgallery]

What do you think Nick and Sunny's ethnicities are?

I've always somewhat headcanonned Sunny as Japanese-American, and Basil as having at least one European parent, both living in Europe, and an American grandmother. I have no idea where that second headcanon comes from. It's probably me projecting my own French-ness onto my favorite little blorbo -- another explanation is that OMORI seems to be pretty explicitely set in the USA, but Basil's parents are said to travel frequently and Sunny's never seen them in his life... and since it's easier to travel in Europe in my (limited) experience, my brain might've just made the association. Sunny being Japanese-American is a pretty popular headcanon because of his chara-design so I don't feel like I have to explain that one.

Anyway, they both live in France for plot reasons.

#in that last comic i made its said that sunny has an hour and a half of public transport to get there. its important to them growing closer #and ngl from what i'm hearing i dont think that's something that would even be possible in america. #america's public transport system doesn't seem to... be big enough to go for that long. #also: arsenic's AU is massively inspired by some personal elements (not the toxic relationship part don't worry) #and some of these elements just *require* shit to happen in france. #like for instance: sunny lives very far away instead of getting a college dorm... #...because college dorms just aren't really a thing in france. and although sunny doesnt have the money to rent an appartment closer to uni #-he has the money to go to college in the first place... because public unis are practically free here. #there's also no reason for sunny's family to get the story for how he lost his eye... #...because he has public healthcare... so he doesn't need money from his family to pay for it. #so he doesn't *owe* them an explanation and he can just hide it until he has to see them again... #...months later‚ because he's already moved in with nick by this point. #so if i had to change where they live i'd have to do lots of research and adjustments just to make this *vent AU* less relatable to me. #so... not worth it. im keeping the french in ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #arsenic #omori #rant #jesus how many tags is that. #im sorry i Cannot shut up about them

[billygoat26]

POV you don't feel like you are either gender (or just hate being assigned to a gender- *cough* me. I hate having boobs even if they don't really exist and ISTG PERIODS... YOU SUCK ASS.. ahem- anyways-) and you like people based off personality (guy, gal, inbetween) but you already came out to your friends and family as gay/lesbian and this newfound knowledge of yourself would contradict that and you don't want people to think you're an attention seeker but one of your friends already figured out that you like people based off personality but the others (and the one you like) still think you're gay/lesbian or they just don't know that and you don't care to tell them because- we already established that- Also your parents aren't homophobic but they think that the genderfluid and nonbinary stuff is stupid so you don't wanna tell them that either so now you're just stuck in this little trap of "what the fuck do I do with all this" and now as you're typing this you're questioning if you even actually like them or if you're just being a desperate bitch because you've been single since forever and want to experience love even just for a bit but that's such a stupid reason to have a "crush" so why the hell are you even typing this.

Anyways, how are all of you guys? :D

#I remembered what I was gonna post! :D #The “you” I speak of is me #I think that's fairly obvious tho #tw vent #vent #Sorry for so many run on sentences and the massive blob of a paragraph- #Anyways #lgbtq #nonbinary #genderfluid #pansexual #bisexual

[musical-chick-13]

"Truly GOOD works don't have thriving fandoms because people aren't interested in fixing them, so what do they have to write fics/make art about."

Idk about you, but I don't write fic for properties I don't genuinely enjoy and think are, on some level, actually good.

#like I'm here to EXPAND on shit I like is that not a common experience? #if I think a work is bad why would I care enough to create something in response to it? #you think I did all those episode reviews and wrote all that shit about cxgf because I thought it was BAD????? #I have ten (10) wips and ONE of them is a 'rewriting canon to be in line with what I wish happened' fic? #idk if I'd even call it a FIX fic. it's more of a 'slightly less personally depressing resolution' fic #I'm sorry. truly I don't understand this viewpoint #'if a story is well-constructed enough there won't BE any extra dimensions to explore' WRONG. I'LL /ALWAYS/ FIND THINGS. U UNDERESTIMATE ME #I WILL /CREATE/ BLANKS TO FILL IN /BECAUSE/ I LOVE THIS THING SO MUCH #like yes everyone is probably going to have at least one piece of media that they don't think is High Art™ that they get unhinged over #(ctrlz squad sound off) #but I just...I'm sorry I cannot imagine spending all of my time going 'I will create things in honor of something that I believe is Bad™' #or 'this thing made me angry I'll exclusively spend my time fixing it' instead of just. watching/reading something else that I DO enjoy #also like...things that ARE widely-agreed to be genuinely good still have big fandoms sometimes? #tgp is pretty popular on here. csm is MASSIVE. both on and off tumblr. #and some things WOULD be otherwise easily fandomize-able: cxgf is one. dpat is another. but these don't HAVE huge fandoms because the shows #are not popular. like just. we live in a world where people are somehow both elitist and anti-intellectual at the same time #ANYWAY this is in response to that one post I saw about--*I am dragged offstage for my own safety* #In the Vents

[leaf-in-a-flower-garden]

Don't you hate it when you discover that something that you've been obsessing over is one big, canonically enby-representation game, but then you figure out that the game Devs themselves, nor does half the fucking fandom, care about it enough to be consistent or even bother in the first place to respect the nonbinary representation that is confirmed as cannon. And so you, as a person on the nonbinary spec. have to just deal with it, and feel if you go like "oh actually, this character might look like a she/he but they're actually a they" all the time that you'll be seen as annoying? No? Kk, that's grand.

#sorry this is a massive vent/rant #sigh 😞 #just frustrated #cause thats me rep!!!!!! #and people dont fucken care :/// #all because the character looks traditionally masc/fem #you dont have to be a skinny androgenous kid to be enby #they come in all shapes and sizes #that people need to fucking understand that #or im gonna explode #anyways :3 #might post some doodles ive done the past week #cause i have a lot lol #skyblr #sky rants #tgc critical

[seapasture]

i am going to sit down and draw the gentlest scene one can possibly imagine, or the pure visual manifestation of unabashed fury. there will be no in-between (unless)

#so 4am me was right! i really had hoped for a few days that things were looking brighter but clearly optimism is foolish #and this agony is entirely beyond my control which is fantastic. absolutely great and wonderful. i have never felt more empty #i think i will simply just try not to feel anything ever again because it simply isn't worth it #if i can pour it into some art then that will be something at least. i haven't drawn for myself in a very long time #but in this moment i literally have nothing else beyond some terrible coping mechanisms which i won't divulge #i think i will draw until my head hurts and my hands hurt #art and writing are really all i have right now. i can't physically speak without crying and i need to sequester myself #i will attempt to continue to reblog things as usual because i need every shred of normality i can consume #apologies in advance if i am not massively cheery again for a while - any semblance of joy has been violently stripped away from me #i'm not keen to conceal the fact that i do not feel normal at all right now. but i hate constantly venting here whenever i make a textpost #alas i am shigeo kageyama and i am holding a bouquet of flowers. and i'm about to cross at a junction #but it keeps happening over and over and over #if i draw and it's abysmal then good. i don't care #everything just gets worse and worse and worse and worse #i am so sorry #sea rambles

[itstokkii]

an alliance forged in blood? (1953)

more context

sure the us and korea are allies, and we’re celebrating the 70th anniversary of alliance this year, but there were and still are some nasty sides to the alliance, mainly on the us’s part and especially how they tend to treat south korea as a strategic position or a pawn for their own benefit.

the split, in fact, was mainly due to the US and the USSR trying to use korea as a strategic position for their own expansion and ideological benefit. as a korean, it absolutely breaks my heart that the split was initially meant to be temporary. it’s saddening to see places like vietnam and germany able to reunify, yet korea is still almost one of the last existing pieces of the cold war. 

while the topic of reunification was entertained by both sides occasionally, and tensions dissipated at times(especially during president kim dae-jung’s sunshine policy), this is out of the question among the younger generations. amidst our own economic stagnation, the costs to reunify and keep the north up in shape to become like the south would be too great. while seniors have a stronger attachment due to having lost friends and family on the other side, or living through the war, this feeling of national unity under one korea is lost in the younger generation due to having no emotional attachment and thinking about the issue more practically. 

it doesn’t help that our current president is on the conservative, political right, and is very pro-us and anti-north korea, which seems to also be fanning the flames of this issue a little bit. in these stances, his party also seems to be trying to suppress awareness of the impacts of american(especially with the jeju massacres and the may 18th incident) and japanese(in the annual march 1st movement speech, he had not mentioned the reason for the movement at all: japan’s oppressive rule on korea, which contrasted the speeches given by previous presidents)colonialism.

however, against all odds, there may be hope. though relations between the three kingdoms were a little different, korea did eventually reunify as one. many koreans online have expressed that korea as a nation has gone through a multitude of events that greatly impacted the peninsula, but ended up coming together in the end. i hope that this happens, though in the most satisfactory and beneficial way for the people.

(wow i wrote an essay?? thanks for sticking around if you read all this!)

#hetalia #aph south korea #nyotalia #im soo jin #aph america #alfred f jones #if it's hard to tell this is during the cold war #im sorry i just felt like venting #like you might know me as the amekor artist and i'm fine with that!! #but it's also important to recognize the massive impacts of american colonialism on korea and how it is still visible today #amekor is not an absolutely perfect ship and this is a little unusual for me to post #as a korean living in korea my whole life it's important to show this perspective as even a lot of koreans overlook it #and other amekor shippers overlook it also #amekor #kimchiburger #tokki draws

[jocelynships]

Lmao I’m having a night and I’m over it all 🥲

#Joce.vent #mainly in the tags #I bumped into one the servers and caused her to drop all the drinks she was carrying and they went fucking everywhere #no one was hurt dw but the glasses all shattered and the floor got soaked with all sorts of beverages #and despite no one being upset at me #I still feel like a massive screw up and I’m crying in the restroom rn #I just want the next three hours to pass by as quickly as possible I don’t wanna be here anymore #the new year is off to a rocky start with my mental health and I’m just. over it #lmao my f/os would probably think I’m a dumbass who screws shit up all the time #sorry. just in a mood #idk if anything would help I’m just venting

[bloodcoveredgf]

i literally cannot keep living like this

#oh god... having one of those moments.... < guy who knows i will fail time and time again like always bc i am incapable of getting better #with the Current resources and support i have and the state of myself and my life... would not be saying this if it werent true its #bad for me guys and ive been fighting for like 10 years and it just gets worse and ive dug myself into a massive hole its going #to take so much effort and time and help and resources and genuine professionals help to get me out of... and i dont have that right now so #i just rotttt... its awfulll... i need to do better i really do its just extremely hard to take care of myself and to Care about myself #and to get the motivation to push through the pain and stress and agony etc that comes with recovering and trying to get your life together #especially when its just me... and i suck at sticking with that and holding myself accountable and giving a shit about myself #plus i need like. therapy and medication lol #delete later #vent #sorry about venting Just needed to get it out in the tags. damn... i will get through it i will find a way