#step 1: develop cptsd

[jemeryl]

As someone overwhelmed at the prospect of reparenting myself, where do I start?

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, I've been using social media very sporadically this year. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic to share that are based on my long and ongoing healing journey.

This is going to be a lot of information about something that's already overwhelming, so I've tried to include advice on how to deal with the overwhelm of it all.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional. With that in mind, these are what i consider the main aspects:

Physical Reparenting (getting your needs met/asking for help)

Emotional Reparenting (understanding what you're going through)

Finding Other Kids to Play With (making healthy connections) (highlighted because it's the one most personal to me!)

1 - Physical Reparenting: getting your needs met/asking for help

I put this at the top because you need to stay alive in order to heal, and sometimes that's all you can manage. That means feeding yourself and your dependents, cleaning, doing laundry, UGH. Your parents didn't teach you how to do any of that, but other people can. And when you don't have the energy to ask, or you feel too ashamed, you have the internet!

A search engine can help you with even the most basic of topics. How do I brush my teeth? How do I do my laundry? How do I make friends?

Importantly, there is now lots of advice on how to do these things when you're struggling. For example: disposable paper plates and cups mean you don't have to do dishes. There are recipes you can learn so you can get a healthy meal with minimum effort.

I've found reddit great for this, eg: mom for a minute and cleaning tips. I've usually found that you can ask anything, even the most embarrassing thing, and people will either give you advice or direct you to where you can find out more.

You can't learn it all at once: focus on one thing at a time and find something that works. Once you've built the muscle memory for that one thing, you can focus on learning a new thing. That way, over time, you can build up your toolbox and turn your attention to other things. Such as...

2 - Emotional Reparenting: Understanding what you're going through

Often when we're abused or neglected, we lack the language to articulate or even understand what we went through, let alone heal from it. Once you understand what happened to you and why you act the way you do, you can start to figure out how to come back from it. This is where you learn to parent yourself emotionally.

There are lots of resources, so find one that resonates with you. Stick with it till you've got what you need from it, then move onto the next.

Here are some resources I've personally found helpful, based on what form of media you like to consume.

Books: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Podcast: Respectful Parenting by Janet Lansbury. This is aimed at parents of infants and toddlers, but I'm finding it extremely helpful in being compassionate to myself and others when feelings are running high.

YouTube: Heidi Priebe; The Crappy Childhood Fairy. These two make videos on attachment trauma and various things related to CPTSD. Also on specific issues that crop up in our relationships and daily lives. They also are great for recommending other resources that you might find helpful.

3 - Finding other kids to play with: Making healthy connections

Playing is super important, whatever age you are! So many of us were too busy parenting our parents, or we never had anyone to play with, or we only ever got bullied. It's an essential part of childhood development that we missed in some way. This is something I find distinct about reparenting and treating childhood trauma.

This is hardest part by far, imo, but a vital one. Going to therapy is a great step. Devouring content and learning how to meet your basic needs is essential. But I believe true healing can only take place by establishing and maintaining genuine connections with others. Playing is the perfect way to do that!

Connecting with people is easier said than done, so how the heck do you go about it, you may ask? Keep going, gentle reader, because I have got some tried and tested advice for you!

This is the long one, so skip to the bottom for the tldr.

Mental health support groups are great, but spending all your time talking about how miserable you are can get you stuck ruminating and make you feel even shittier. That's something to be mindful of.

I recommend joining a group activity, like a sport, band, or gaming club.

Ideally something you're passionate about, your hyperfixation, even if it feels cringe. A structured activity gets everyone motivated to meet up regularly (something that's very hard to do for the purpose of just hanging out); all the burden of making conversation is taken off because you can all focus on the task at hand; and you have to practice communicating with one another to make it work.

Connecting with people is scary, and you will make mistakes and get hurt. It's important to keep trying anyway.

You will run into people like you, who are suffering and trying to better themselves. They will act out because they can't help it. They'll flake, they'll ghost, they'll accuse you of being abusive because they can't tell if it's abuse, a genuine mistake, constructive criticism, what have you. They sometimes turn into abusers themselves because they're now in a situation where they can punch down and get away with it. That makes people feel powerful in a way they've never felt before, which is seductive.

You might do any and all of these things, but you can learn to fix your behaviour. You will find people who'll establish appropriate boundaries, support your growth, and you will emerge as a healthier, better person.

The key is to find a peer group that is committed to healing together.

This takes time and experimentation, but you are not alone. You will find people of all ages and walks of life who will walk this path with you. This is what all the resources and books are for: learning to identify how to make connections and build a community that's healthy and supportive. Where you will probably fuck up and hurt each other, but will fight to come back from it and fight to grow together. This is where you will build the healthy, enriching relationships you should've have from the very beginning.

You may need to sever unhealthy connections.

It's extremely painful and difficult to cut off a family member, partner, or friend who's bad for you, and this is a whole topic on its own. However, you can develop a sense of when to stay and when to leave, and even though it's hard and lonely, you will be able to find people who are better for you. That will make it easier to know who to commit to in the long run.

TLDR: Focus on the social thing that brings you the most joy.

It takes a few tries to find out what is the best thing for you. Once this is stable, then you can expand your horizons.

Personal example: For this entire year, my main social focus has been keeping my Dungeons & Dragons groups going. I have two games a week on average, so I get to DM and play. Now that that's stable, I can go back to other friendships, and stuff I neglected (such as social media). The people who are worth it are the people who would never hold it against me for going off the grid for awhile.

I hope this has been helpful!

#reparenting #inner child healing #trauma recovery #trauma #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #mental health resource #cptsd #attachment trauma #long post #my thoughts #anyone is free to dm me about any of this #feel free to share your own thoughts or insights

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Coffee obtained (by a long suffering wifey who took pity on me) and consumed (by me and my greedy sugar and caffeine craving hands)

Delightfully (or perhaps wretchedly) this now means that I am ready to confront the radiating doom.

Time to brace myself and prepare.

For those who don't know why I call the Doom bins, it's because they are containers of Things TM that were once useful as useable storage but eventually hit some indiscernible critical mass where they began to radiate a sense of impending Doom every time I look at them.

Once this starts, the container serves only to accumulate more things, but rarely or never to have items taken or used from within it, because the sense of foreboding I get whenever I am confronted by it is so upsetting that I am apparently unable to do this either for daily use or tidying purposes.

The longer this goes on (and the more items are added to the Doom Bin) the larger a sense of Doom it radiates until at some point merely being in the same room with it causes me severe anxiety, constantly draws my eye, attention, and focus, creates endless spirals of guilt and shame that can take hours to break out of, and eventually after weeks or months of stewing, I finally break. I go on a cleaning rampage, scrub everything in my vicinity spotless EXCEPT THE DOOM BIN, collapse in an exhausted heap unable to clean for at least another week, and continue avoiding the Doom Bin for literally YEARS.

It is a source of deep seated pain, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear, and stress within me, and I truly wish I knew how to break the cycle.

This doom bin has been 2.5 years, 8 traumatic relocations, and several severe mental health crises in the making. I am not looking forward to literally unpacking it.

So. As an autistic therapist with CPTSD and OCD, what am I going to do to help myself confront this traumatic cleaning project from a place of rootedness? I know myself pretty well by now so I've developed a bit of a routine for emotionally intense things like this when needed. It is personalized to me, not general advice, but maybe it gives you some ideas of how to put together your own routine!

Step 0: I would never try to do this on an unmedicated/undermedicated day or on a day when I was too overwhelmed already. I want to give myself the best chance for success.

Step 1! Find noise-canceling headphones. Confirm they have enough battery power (70%), turn on, put on, and begin a stim song on a loop or a stim playlist if I have one. Today's stim is Lasciami Stare by Måneskin. This helps me get started moving and keep me regulated during the task as well as setting a defined time block around the activity of "things that happened when the music was playing" which helps me keep them from spilling over.

Step 2: Heartmath (love it it for me cuz I struggle to regulate my heartrate and autonomic system more generally. It's not quite emdr, but I get the sense that they pair well and if you're an emdr candidate you're a heartmath candidate and vice versa, though definitely don't go around quoting me on that because I am not a provider of either therapy). This is a form of breath and heart rate control combined with mindful visualisations to regulate the sympathetic nervous system and de-escalate it from fight or flight when necessary to my understanding (again don't quote me). I spend 5 min on my heartmath exercises which is about twice as long as I usually would for a maintenance round but half as long as I would to fully anchor myself back in reality, because a little distance and externalization here isn't a bad thing for me personally.

Step 3: text wifey. She worries when I don't respond, and since I'll be in headphones I won't hear anything. Gotta make sure she knows why. Also creates an external expectation on someone else's part that I will be starting soon, which creates the impetus along with my stim music (which has me boogie-ing by now) to get up and start working.

Step 4: write down a list of supplies I will need to use during my project. This is part of why I write my accountability posts here. It means I have already thought through my projects in detail and step by step which helps me complete this step where previously I'd have not been able to. I'll need all the hampers we have, a couple of trash bags, the broom, a washcloth and multipurpose cleaner, my headphones and phone.

Step 5: take 3 deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth and on the last exhale, get up and collect my items so I can get started after. Usually, once I'm moving it goes from there as long as I don't sit back down.

So now that I've shared this big snarly self-help-esque post with you, it's time for me to go confront my Doom Bin. May this (legally not therapeutic advice just me talking about my journey as I'm dealing with my personal experience of this phenomenon in case it resonates for yall to hear it) be meaningful to you in some way 🤝

[furiousgoldfish]

How to (slightly) calm down about being criticized while having cptsd:

Since this is trigger for your childhood abuse, it will take a While because you'll have to dismantle all the horrific things you were told about yourself in your youth, and be 120% sure none of it was true, you're not a burden or a failure, and there was malicious intent behind saying these things to you. You were a good kid, and you will always, now and forever, be a valuable part of society, regardless of how well you do in any area of your life.

This is likely to take years, in the meantime you can also try these steps:

1. Realize that nobody on earth is open to criticism at every moment in your life, and you don't have to be, either.

We're all sensitive to criticism, and none of us would be able to live our lives constantly bombarded by criticism for every single thing we do. People usually allow only a select group of people whose opinion they highly value, to criticize them, and will rarely if ever accept criticism from strangers or people who are not a part of their professional or personal life. You do not need to be open to criticism at all times, from everyone, in order to grow and better yourself, especially if you're traumatized! In this case, you're already harshly over-criticized and need the exact opposite in order to learn and grow. In your case, criticism paralyses and stops you from growing. It's not what you need to heal.

2. Who is criticizing me?

Ask yourself, if this criticism is coming from a source whose opinion you value and respect? If it's one of your abusers, ex-abusers, or their associates, the criticism is 100% likely to be delivered with intent to control and hurt you, so you can write it off as manipulation, and divert with 'ya that doesn't work anymore lol'.

If it's someone else, ask: Is this a person who continually has my good interests at heart? Do they actually understand the issue they're criticizing me about, or is their perspective shallow, misinformed and skewed? Is this a person I would ask for advice? Do they continually do work equal or better than mine? Are they giving me positive feedback as well, or do they only ever criticize everything I do?

Because you don't ever have to be open to criticism from a skewed, misinformed and ill-intentioned source. You don't have to accept criticism from someone who takes confidence in putting you down. You especially never have to take criticism from anonymous source, as they're keeping themselves hidden for good reasons. Remember the rule: If you wouldn't take an advice from them, you don't have to take criticism either.

3. Does this need to be criticized?

Am I hurting anyone doing this? Am I doing this just for fun? Am I doing this in private and it doesn't affect anyone whatsoever? Is this a matter of my personal time? Am I obliged to explain myself for indulging in my own interests in my own time?

If you're doing things for fun, for free, in private time, hurting and affecting no one, and it's getting criticized, while you've never reached for any criticism? You got scammed. Criticism is invalid. Throw it into the dumpster. 

4. Is this criticism constructive at all?

If you are opened to criticism in a certain area, but feedback you're receiving is not only negative but completely shutting you down and putting you in a place where you feel like you should just quit, then that is debilitating, paralyzing, ill-intentioned insult, and not a useful piece of criticism. Trying to get better usually simply means doing something more and more, and generally what will help you do more and more of it, is encouragement, support, someone pointing out what you did well, and believing in you. If you're not at a point where you actively look for criticism and are ready to hear concrete ideas on how to grow and develop, you don't have to be receiving it.

5. Do I have a baseline perception of myself that enables me to deal with the criticism?

Most people rely on their family, circle of friends, or a relationship to provide them with a sense of social identity; when you're surrounded by people who value and enjoy your company, who seek you out and offer you caring feedback, any criticism you receive outside of this circle will not become a definition of you. You already have a good baseline perception of your self worth, so any malignant criticism will sound obviously untrue, and any fair-sounding criticism will not be the end-all, decisive factor in how you see yourself, it will only build on your baseline and create a more complex image. It will not keep you up at night, it will not make you feel desperate. If you don't have this baseline, and you're already plagued with negative or even horrific perceptions of yourself from abusers who used to be close to you, the criticism can and will fall very heavily on your self worth because you never got a chance to develop it properly. In case of a no-baseline, all criticism is likely to be harmful, and it's okay to keep to yourself until you have a very good idea of who you are and what you stand for. Once you know this for yourself, criticism will not be able to make you forget it.

6. Is this a criticism or abuse?

Tactics of abuse often include criticizing when you want to control someone; if certain types of criticism of your character come only after you refuse something, it's not criticism, it's berating you into trying to appease them (if you allow yourself to be controlled, the criticism will stop.) If criticism is wildly inaccurate of your behaviour, it's possible for it to be projection, or baiting, or fear-mongering, or catastrophizing. They're all designed to shut you down, make you feel guilty and afraid to make your own decisions, poke at your insecurities and make you easily controlled. You're free to refuse the intimidation and do as you please. Abuse masked as criticism is not a reflection of your character.

7. Is this criticism something I want consistently in my life?

The truth is that nobody enjoys criticism, and it's okay to decide that you'd rather have support. It's support, encouragement, and faith in you that builds passion and resilience, not constant pointing out of your flaws. If you're continually bothered by a person criticizing you, it's okay to get some space and get away from them. It doesn't mean you're weak, or running away, the criticism will eat up your fulfillment in life, and you do not have to let it.

8. Am I being criticized for actually doing harm?

Prevention of harm is a a good time and place for criticism; if you're criticized by a group of people on whose human rights you're infringing, that is something you should sit with, and look at from their perspective. This doesn't mean your identity needs to get crushed by it, as these people will not benefit from it at all, it's just the time to listen and understand. This will rarely be personal, and more concerning the power imbalance you might not understand, and it can be fixed by you understanding them.

9. TLDR

Even as there is a time and place for criticism, it's not constant, everyday, discouraging, triggering and controlling that victims of abuse are often used to. Criticism that attacks your character and tries to make it seem irredeemable is nothing but a manipulative lie, and criticism is not something you have to be opened to every day, on every area of your life, from anyone who feels like criticizing. It's okay to set boundaries in who is allowed to criticize you and on what. It's okay to establish that your opinion of you matters more than an opinion of a stranger, peer, a friend, or anyone who isn't in your shoes. Shame, guilt, anixety, panic, pain and self-hatred are not constructive feelings, so if criticism invokes all these in you, it's not productive, it's not helping, it's stropping you from growth, and you don't have to take it.

You're not over-reacting, I promise. You're experiencing traumatic level of pain because criticism was used to demolish your self-worth and you never deserved to experience that once. You don't deserve to experience it again either. Until you feel safe and valued, believed in, encouraged and supported, criticism is not vital for your growth. 

#criticism #cptsd #coping techniques #trauma #coping with criticism #after you calm down

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

When You Love Someone With Complex PTSD

This article gives a brief overview of some basics about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and what you can do to support yourself as well as nurture your relationship when you love someone with Complex PTSD. You may be wondering if reading this article will be helpful to you.

If your partner experienced significant trauma during childhood and you find yourself in awe of all that they are in spite of what they have been through, yet uncertain at times about how to provide the right kind of support, then this article is for you.

If you recognize the wisdom within your partner that is derived from their experiences, but struggle to access your own wisdom when you see your partner suffering then this article is for you.

Lastly, if you sometimes see your partner as someone who would benefit from healing work but, are not sure of the right place to start then this article is for you.

This article is about how to bring your best self to your relationship by forging one that is defined by security, consistency, and honesty as well as understanding the importance of your own self-care in cultivating these bonds.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) can occur when a person experiences multiple or prolonged traumatic experiences (Complex Trauma) over the course of a lifetime. Oftentimes, the traumas are relational in nature which means that the events occur within relationships during developmental periods such as childhood. For example, periods of childabuse or neglect and/or multiple ruptures or transitions with primary caregivers; such as multiple foster placements in which attachment bonds are ruptured or substance abuse or dependence by a primary caregiver.

There are two areas of human development that are impacted by Complex Trauma. When these areas are impacted it can result in CPTSD. They are:

Attachment: the ways in which a person learns to have relationships with others

Self-Regulation: the way in which a person handles self soothing in the face of stress.

Let’s look at both more closely.

In terms of Attachment, a child who experienced multiple adverse experiences such as abuse, domestic violence, neglect or community violence is likely to, as an adult, experience frequent mistrust, fear of abandonment, and difficulty feeling secure in their intimate relationships. The reason for this is that the template that was formed early on about how to have relationships was developed under the pretense that “those who love me either hurt me, or leave.” These recurring experiences often cause the belief that people are not safe to trust; leading to the lived experience of, “I’m hurt when you stay and I’m hurt when you leave:a double edged sword.”

Self-Regulation is a set of skills that are learned by internalizing the soothing actions of our caregivers when we are hurt, scared, hungry, sad etc. The capacity by which we are able to do this for ourselves as adults is largely made possible by the quality and quantity of that which was given to us. The opportunities to learn from and observe adults practicing self regulation in ways that are healthy and nourishing for children with Complex Trauma often are minimal. Instead, the stress response system, the internal regulation system that is in charge of keeping us safe in the face of stressors, becomes overloaded due to a lack of opportunities to return to a calm state. In CPTSD this results in an elevated baseline and a stress response system that is overly sensitive to stressors. Thus the system responds by vacillating between extreme states of hyperarousal to hypoarousal (dissociation) rather than remaining within an ideal, more balanced “window of tolerance.” People who have not experienced trauma typically remain in this window within their normal day to day lives. This might account for why your partner may appear to have seemingly disproportionate reactions to stimuli that doesn’t impact you as severely: their system’s degree of sensitivity and reactivity is such that a smaller event can cause them great distress and dysregulation.

The hopeful news is that the medicine for CPTSD can be found within the healing power of relationships and within our brains’ incredible ability to create new templates for relationships by a process called neuroplasticity, our brain’s ability to make new neural connections throughout our lifetime. The incredible healing power of relationships as they relate to Complex Trauma has been well documented by neuroscientists such as Dr. Bruce Perry1, who specializes in the impacts of childhood trauma and neglect and its impact on neurodevelopment, and Dr. Daniel Siegel2 who has also well documented the process of neurodevelopment. What this means is that you and your partner have the ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood EVEN IF your partner has not yet experienced that in their life3 -VERY EXCITING!!! But where do you begin? It is important to know the following:

You can not erase existing templates but you can create new ones.

Your efforts should be patterned and repetitive, as these templates live in lower, less “plastic” ie. not as easily changed, parts of the brain that are only accessed and changed through doing things over and over again.

You don’t need to figure this out on your own. Finding a couples therapist educated about Complex Trauma is recommended and can help facilitate the healing process.

Here are some other ideas you’ll want to consider:

Be Consistent, be predictable: Repetition is the key to building a secure attachment. It also facilitates the ability to trust. For example, calling your partner every night before bed to say goodnight, this may seem simple, but it can have a profound effect on shaping a new, loving, and secure template of what a relationship can be in your partner’s brain.

Know your boundaries: This is a big one and related back again to being consistent and predictable. What is and what is not in your control? If your partner is struggling with mood symptoms including anxiety or depression and struggling with self regulation, it is not your job to fix that, but you can encourage your partner to establish a relationship with a therapist or make an appointment with an existing one. It can be powerful to validate your partner’s suffering while simultaneously acknowledging that you do not have the power to make it all better. In all relationships it is important for each partner to own their own struggles and work on them independently from the relationship.

Establish and keep up with your own self care plan: When we fall in love it is so easy to give and give and then one day we wake up and we realize, “Oops! I have given to everyone except me!” You have got to fill your own bucket. Keeping up with a routine that nourishes you and keeps you connected to yourself and those in your support system is crucial. You are modeling for your partner that it is okay to practice self care and encouraging the process called differentiation (an ongoing process of self-defining within the context of the relationship that is a key developmental milestone within relationship and is that which sets the stage for further development and deeper intimacy as your relationship progresses).

Don’t try to explain, instead “connect and redirect”: Emotions are not logical, yet it is our tendency to try to explain our way through them. When your partner is in an emotional state of activation, remember, first connect by reflecting back what you hear them say, including their feelings. Listen and mirror without the intention of problem solving. Once your partner has expressed to you that they are feeling heard, ask them if they want support in problem solving (re-direct). Once you check for their interest, you may find that you have already helped enough!

Do find out what is soothing to your partner: People who have experienced complex trauma are often well aware of what they do and do not like. Ask them their preferences, you may find out that your partner can not tolerate massage but loves a warm bath. If so, draw them a bath and draw it often! Remember: repetition, consistency, predictability.

Practice consent in intimacy and beyond: Trauma is defined as an extreme loss of control to a perceived threat or life threatening situation. Healing for trauma survivors always includes establishing a sense of safety. A way to safety is though experienced control– practicing consent is a powerful vessel for this. This means asking permission before and during intimate encounters as well as throughout your day-to-day interactions, for example, “Is it okay if I move your things while I clean this room?”

Anticipate events that could cause anxiety for your partner: Work together to create a safety plan. For example, if your partner feels anxious in social settings like big events such as a wedding, decide ahead of time where to sit during the ceremony and have a signal that you can give to one another if your partner needs a break. This can be a good opportunity to step outside and get a breather, check in about how you are both doing, and make adjustments to your plan as necessary.

Don’t take it personally: Your partner has been through a lot. It is likely that if your partner has a reaction to something that you do or say that it has less to do with you than you think and more to do with what that thing reminds them of. When this happens take a deep breath and do your own physiological self soothing, then when you feel regulated check back in, try to think of these moments as opportunities to learn more about what your partner’s triggers are so that you can work with them in a thoughtful and meaningful way.

Remember, it all goes back to the incredible healing power of relationships and the bonds that are formed when we are present and available for one another. Even as therapists we can get stuck in the trap of thinking that we should be able to fix it all right then and there and we jump too quickly to problem solving. Yet it is always meaningful to take a step back and remember that the key to building a secure relationship is not in your ability to offer a quick fix. Rather, it lies within your ability to take your time, be consistent, and show your commitment to being there again and again. If past trauma is impacting you or your relationships and you need help, reach out to us, establishing a relationship with a therapist can be the first step in creating a path to healing that can seem overwhelming and uncertain, more clear, manageable, and supportive.

#love #ptsd #relationships

[reylo-love-theme]

Specific personal reasons why Ben dying really hurt

Disclaimer: i know people have had many dif reactions to this movie and for those of you that liked it good for you. this is my personal opinion on my own blog so please don't attack or debate me in the comments just go make your own post please if you feel that. I respect you all and I'm just trying to cope.

This post is for people who are in a similar situation as me and want a place to relate or their thoughts turned into words.

1. I'm a childhood abuse victim myself and 2019 was a terrible year full of my trying to deal with my past and my cptsd and my toxic shame. I barely made it.

Ben Solo was a reminder that it's not too late to save yourself and that people you love do care for you. I literally leaned solely on reylo fanfiction during my darkest times for this aspect of hurt/comfort and redemption and recovery.

2. I had never went to watch a movie of my own free will (see number 1). Doing this was terrifying since I had to overcome so many triggers. I chose to watch TROS so that it would end my year on a happy note with a postive message of hope, love and recovery.

3. The only reason that I shipped Reylo was because I had investigated very throughly and had become certain they would get a happy ending.

I have a tendency of relying on fictional characters for the support I do not have in real life so I needed to choose who I love very carefully or else when I loose them I'm actually in terrible pain.

The worst thing was that I wasn't prepared for it. (Preparing and being nihilist had given me depression and I literally pulled myself out of that thought process for this hope of Ben living. It seemed so close to happening and I got stabbed in the stomach and left in a puddle of blood)

Now, I'm struggling really hard not to blame myself for falling for false hope again (I had made that mistake once and swore off hope for like 11 years) (even though I know that being so cynical is terrible for my health)

4.I stepped on Reylo in 2018/2019 fully and spent a whole year looking forward to this movie. It brought me so much joy and I tamped out my inner cynic that said "putting your hope in something you love will only let you down".

I told myself that even with all that has happened in 2019, making it to December and watching the movie would be symbolic for me (a way of saying "look world, I made it.")

5. The message the movie sends me is just.... I really can't. I don't understand why it couldn't be a happy ending for Ben who literally redeemed himself. For me personally, I don't consider a kiss and a smile and then death a happy ending. What does that mean for me? A person who related so heavily to this broken struggling character. Does it mean that all my pain was worth nothing in the end? That those who I love will never love me back or remember me or even care that I was abused and my trauma made me a literal walking self-defence mechanism? That the only ending the general population accepts as morally correct is for "bad" abuse victims to die?

And the message of Ben dying for someone he loves (while not a bad trope) is toxic because of the way it is shown. Even with the emoting on Rey's behalf, it's not enough to justify someone dying for that. (There just isn't enough romance or support from Rey (unlike TLJ)) It seemed like an unbalenced love (because of the way Rey just kept on rejecting him and hurting him without really trying to help (until the end where literally he sacrificed himself, would someone who loved you do that?)

And the additional message that Ben's family would help a random stranger but not the person that literally needed them and still loved them after all the abandoment he went through. My family literally turned a blind eye (or just blamed me as a weakling for reacting to it) to my abuse and that is what happens to Ben. Even at his death, not one single member of his family (Han was just a memory) was there to mourn him or even help him (Leia's disappearance thing I'm so confused on what the heck happened, why the heck did Maz smile if Ben just literally died and his mom died trying to save him.)

And no one bothered to be on his side, he literally had to redeem himself the whole way. That isn't a good message to people who need help. It's literally saying that you are the only one who can save yourself (not a bad message by itself but the strength of the message comes from the fact that others can stand by you as you save yourself not BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL OR WILL HELP YOU)

Anakin sidelineing him for Rey was just salt in the wound.

As someone who's pain was literally ignored and laughed at by the whole family, this was immensely rage inducing.

And what about rey and her character development? I also had related to her for being abandoned by her parents and left to fend for herself. She was a nobody who was strong on her own. She didn't need to be related to a strong lineage. Additonally, ending up all alone on the same kind of desert she started at is not a good message. ( I get the nostalgia thing but they could have literally used any other character, Rey wasn't a good choice for that scene) First off, she wanted to get off jakku. She wanted a family. Ben told her she wasn't alone. Next, she needed to realize that being a nobody didn't mean she was worthless ( a strong and powerful message to ordinary girls) (not find out oops i was from a loving family all along!!!) That isn't good plot when she literally spend two movies recovering from her parents abandonment (it makes it seem like ohhh they loved you and this was the only best

thing they could do!! XOXO (this is a common victim blaming trick abuse apologizers use to silence victims pain)) it would have made sense if she found this out earlier but to do this to an already developed character arc is just sucky. Her turning dark influenced by palp is not as good a message as her turning dark influenced by her past and her overcoming it anyway. For star wars, a theme has always been hope, love and redemption and I feel like the theme was picked up but not carried through in one character, instead spread throughout everyone but leaving a sense of unsatisfactory ending since no one really ended their arc. (In my opinion, you can have a different one)

6. Ben dying. That is just cruel and sadistic..there were already so many "surprise they are alive illogically!" Moments that JJ could literally have pulled one for Ben a final time and no one would have batted an eye. It would have suited the style of the movie. It was such a bad shock for me. The movie already baited my heart several times with Ben nearly dying and I cheered internally when he came back. I held out my hope till the very end of the credits and this movie just made of fool of me. I was ready to gloss over any and all flaws and buy merch if only Ben had been loved and lived.

7. The way it affected me. (Warning this might be upsetting to read so skip if you don't want to hear about mental health right now)

I was in so much shock as I stumbled out of the theater that I literallt thought I was going to be okay. I couldn't feel anything and I felt sick and empty. (That's not a reaction a star wars movie should give or any "hopeful" movie)(this is coming from someone who has watched the sacrifical death trope many times and cried (it was a good hurt))

This wasn't because there was literally no resolution or purpose to the death. It seemed like a cliche trope failure of redemption=death. But with the added on "no mourning, superfical loss". (It would have been more acceptably had it been a side character, bad writing can excuse it, but for a main half of the protagonist this is just sick)

I wandered home mechanically on Friday and then as soon as I thought back to the scene where Ben smiled and died I broke down crying. And I lost all my appetite and felt nauseous for an entire two days. I barely ate two meals during that time because I was so distraught and my mental health crashed completely back into my worse cptsd symptoms and nightmares and insomnia and waking up to panic attacks. I wasn't functioning, I kept trying to pull myself together but my only postive coping mechanism(reading reylo fanfiction) was gone. In fact I felt betrayed that my coping mechanism would actually be the cause of my pain.

I completely felt like those two days were actually traumatizing and as someone who has actually experienced traumatic events I'm using the word in a serious way. Anything can hurt you badly enough if you put enough of your heart and vulnerability into it.

Now it's Monday I'm just trying to recover enough to go outside again but I feel really tired. I'm trying to salvage my christmas and my life as a big middle finger to whoever decided that abuse and mental health could be used as convenient plot points and just discarded and laughed at.

#cptsd #reylo #tros spoilers #the rise of skywalker spoilers #the rise of skywalker #ben solo #ben solo deserved better #rey deserves better #rey #kylo ren

[darknightsandfairylights]

Let’s talk about crying.

Crying is a big deal to me. I’ve always been a highly emotional person, but growing up developing CPTSD has honestly only made it worse.

I’ve talked before about the fact that my parents followed the “cry it out” logic when I was growing up.

I’ve talked before about the fact that my parents took little interest in the things I had to say.

But honestly it goes deeper than that.

From early on, I’ve been a sensitive child with an easily bruised heart. Emotions have always been my weakness. It didn’t help that my parents often seemed to care about the emotions and needs of other children before my own (especially my mother - she helped take care of my aunt and her kids when my aunt was sick, and was much kinder and more concerned with the cousins. I understand the logic - their mother was very very ill, had a high chance of not surviving treatment, and my mother also didn’t feel like she could scold them as harshly because, while she was often acting as a caretaker, they still weren’t her kids so she couldn’t be as strict.) - I understood why it was happening, but that didn’t make it sting any less.

It also didn’t help that I grew up with an eclectic set of interests. Some of them, I came by accidentally (I enjoyed Star Trek and Lord of the Rings and fantasy series from a young age, when my parents were very Christian people who didn’t enjoy “that nonsense”; and it wasn’t like I had friends who introduced me to them - the interest just sort of came naturally). Some of them were part accident, part trauma (I loved colors and art growing up, but never got any shred of approval from parents because “You’re not that good at drawing, why bother practicing?” and they were very regimented people, so instead my love for the artistic turned into a love for graphic design and scrapbooking, where I could still embrace the colors and the creativity while keeping everything neatly sorted in straight lines). I went to a TINY high school where I couldn’t really find anyone who shared these interests, and as we’ve (thoroughly) covered, my parents took zero interest in any of these - which meant I was very much alone, and very sad, very often.

I cried a lot as a kid. I still cry a lot now. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but facts are facts. A lot of what my parents did, caused the tears to fall, but more than that, they made the whole experience - the whole nature of being a human with emotions - dramatically worse. You see, every time I cried, every time I got mad or frustrated, my parents had a three step process for dealing with it:

Provide minimal comfort (typically <1 minute of back-rubbing or shoulder-grabbing while I cried, or 1 hug)

Immediately tell me to “get over it” in the nicest words they could muster

Offer some sort of religious-based reference or mantra to help with step 2

So if someone did something cruel to me, and I was angry, the response would be a little something like: one (1) hug, maybe a “I’m sorry that happened to you”, followed by a “But you should just forgive them. There’s no reason to hold onto it, holding onto emotions just causes stress.” with a nice side of “God said we should forgive our enemies and ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’”.

And then, if the incident were EVER mentioned again, there would be a repeat of “You HAVE to forgive them. Holding onto emotions causes stress!!”

Now, see, technically they’re right. Holding onto emotions DOES cause stress, and eventually the goal is to forgive the people who have wronged you, because that means you’ve worked through the emotions. But the problem is, they glossed over the entire “working through emotion” process, and expected me to just guilt-trip myself into instant forgiveness, and as soon as the incident was forgiven, I was also expected to forget. The human brain does not forgive instantly, certainly not before it’s had time to properly feel and process all of the emotions that go along with whatever needs to be forgiven - but I’d be scolded if I tried to take the time to process those emotions, or if I didn’t instantly forgive anyone for any wrong of any magnitude at any time.

That led to a child who would bottle up all emotions, smile whenever possible, and go from any negative emotion back to seemingly stable within seconds. It led to a child who was praised by adults as being a “good kid” who was “quick to forgive” and “emotionally mature” and “always happy” because no one saw through the faking. No one saw that I forgave because I was forced, or that I smiled because I wasn’t allowed to be sad.

And on top of it all, this led to a nice, early introduction to “impostor syndrome” - because if people couldn’t tell that I was faking being happy, they must not be able to tell that I’m faking everything else. We’ll get more into the impostor syndrome another day - but this is where it started.

#cptsd #c-ptsd #fawn response

[parasite3go]

Resources on CPTSD

!!! Trigger Warning: Emotional abuse and neglect / discussion of childhood trauma !!!

This is a purely informational post. I’m not going into any details of abusive behavior here and am not recounting my personal story. You should be fine. But if you are sensitive to the topic of childhood trauma in general, please make sure you are in a good headspace before going forward. You can find the list of resources on the very bottom if you want to check them out without reading the rest of this.

Let’s get real for a minute. I am an emotional abuse and neglect survivor in recovery. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with developmental trauma disorder, often also known as Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) in English speaking circles.

Trauma is probably the most widespread cause for mental health issues in the world. Renowned traumatologist John Briere once mused that if CPTSD ever was given its’ due, the DSM would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet. Unfortunately, trauma still isn’t talked much about in society and has only just begun to be recognized as a common ailment in practical psychology.

This means that survivors with CPTSD are often misdiagnosed and - accordingly - improperly treated, leading to years of unnecessary stagnation or even regression in worst case scenarios. In Germany, for instance, trauma specific treatment isn’t yet recognized by social healthcare institutions. People who have to rely on social healthcare for their mental health inevitable end up in therapy forms that are only of limited helpfulness and can even be harmful to recovery. Giving the illusion that recovery is impossible and trapping survivors in the idea that they are somehow fundamentally broken and the best they can hope for is management of their symptoms for the rest of their life.

This isn’t the case, though. Recovery from trauma is a long, painful and non-linear process that takes years and – to some degree – never ends. But it is entirely possible. Finding the right resources in an environment that mostly ignores trauma is difficult without help, tho. Which is why I decided to put this together. I want to share a couple of resources that have helped me a lot over the past couple of years to hopefully help shedding some light on C-PTSD and what survivors can do to help themselves and find the right kind of therapeutic support and treatment. This is by no means an extensive list but it’s a good starting point.

List of resources on Complex PTSD

1. What is Complex PTSD?

Medical News Today: What to know about complex PTSD - a good, short overview of what CPTSD is, how it's different from PTSD and what the symptoms are/can be

2.  Active Online Support Communities

r/CPTSD – a friendly reddit community for childhood abuse survivors and their loved ones with lots of resources. It’s a safe space to vent, share your story, share your breakthroughs, setbacks, seek emotional support, ask questions, etc.

3. Books

Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving – probably one of the most extensive handbooks on CPTSD out there atm. I highly recommend you pick it up. Pete Walker is a California based psychologist and CPTSD survivor. This book combines  professional research based knowledge on CPTSD with his own and his client’s  insights and experiences. It also includes a couple of effective self-help strategies and advice on how to shop around for a ‘good enough’ therapist. If you don't have the resources to buy it, you can pick it up with a free Audible trial - you'll keep the book even if you terminate the Audible subsription. Pete also shares about a third of the information in it as articles for free on his website, if Audible isn't an option for you.

4. Resources to manage emotional flashbacks

Focusing - essentially a collection of mindfullness techniques and excercises originally developed by Eugene Gendlin. Dr. Kathy McGuire provides a series of free online classes and exercices on her youtube channel.

13 Steps Flashback Management - provided by Pete Walker

28 Popular & Effective Grounding Techniques - a collection of various grounding techniques

Please note that all of the resources provided here are _complimentary to _and not a replacement for therapy.  

I would be thankful if you shared this around as much as possible. One thing I have encountered over and over again on my  personal journey to recovery is a dramatic lack of information. Let's do something about that.

#cptsd #cptsdresource #mental health #cptsd recovery #emotional abuse #childhood trauma #emotional neglect

[centerforhavening]

Congratulations  to Cara Dinley on becoming a Certified Havening Techniques® Practitioner. For the last twenty years I have been using psychosensory modalities to help clients, 1-1 and in groups, to develop the relationship between their bodies and minds. The application of Havening Techniques has helped to free me from recurrent head, neck and eye pain connected to a series of traumatic injuries. My own journey to freedom from pain motivates me to help others do the same. I am a certified Havening Practitioner, a graduate of the Psychosensory Academy, UK. As a professional dancer, at age 18, I suffered from an "incurable" lower back issue according to a range of physical therapists. Needing to take the matter into my own hands was a blessing, Pilates and Yoga were my first steps into psychosensory modalities which opened my investigation into a range of other somatic practices. 
 These days I've moved away from practices which encourage 'holding' and tension patterns and towards freedom of movement through conscious sensing of comfort and ease. My initial thesis, undertaken in a Masters of Directing for Performance, took a deep dive into how we learn to coordinate and integrate the body and voice. This led me down a wonderful path of neuroscience (Le Doux) and to an expanded range of somatic practices from around the world in search of ways to free bodies and voices in performance. In 2021 I also gained certification in The Regulated Classroom through the Polyvagal Insitute which provides trauma-informed practice guidelines for teachers.
 I work with clients seeking to free themselves from limiting beliefs and pain. Havening Techniques equip me to work with a range of issues from chronic pain to recovery from illness, relationship challenges, CPTSD trauma, performance anxiety, general anxiety, self-esteem and physical, mental and emotional trauma.
 Once the brain landscape becomes more resilient; clients are able to respond… #havening #HaveningTechniques #HaveningPractitioner #healingtrauma #selfhavening #haveningtraining #mentalhealthawareness https://havening.org/directory/grid/view/details/14/1145-Cara-Dinley https://www.instagram.com/p/CbQ08L0FtjK/?utm_medium=tumblr

#havening #haveningtechniques #haveningpractitioner #healingtrauma #selfhavening #haveningtraining #mentalhealthawareness

[altruisticenigma]

pumpkin pie, creme brulee, chocolate chip cookie, apple crisp

Yaaaaay an ask from a wonderful friend C: 

Pumpkin Pie: What were your interests as a child?

The Legend of Zelda, and of course following that interest, swords. I liked collecting snow globes, it started when I was 5 and continued from there (I have about maybe 40+ now? C:). I really liked cartoons like Courage the Cowardly Dog and Ed Edd n Eddy. Ooooh and that turkey and gravy they served on special occasions at school? Fuck me uppp, so good. Otherwise my memories are kinda hazy, lol. 

Creme Brulee: Describe your style.

Lmao “what is my style?” is a good fucking question. When I’m actually living life and feeling good, it ranges from soft femme to a butchy femme: I could wear a cute headband and a dress one day, or a flowy top and leggings, and then the next be wearing a hoodie and a backwards snapback. But since it’s nearing the end of school/has been finals I get hella fucking lazy and become the epitome of agender (apathetic to gender): comfiest pants possible, either vans or birkenstocks on my feet, a big hoodie and a hat (beanie/backwards snapback) to hide my hair. I’d say my style when I’m stressed/tired is simply apathetic lol.

Chocolate Chip Cookie: How has your life changed over the past year?

Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man.

Uh, from last year May until now, I’ve definitely: developed PTSD symptoms/realized I may have CPTSD, and have been processing the many traumatic events I’ve had in my life. Had some scary situations and felt like everything was falling apart, only to find my own strength and myself within those situations. I’ve also learned a lot about how coming from a universally emotionally abusive/traumatic adolescence has definitely shaped my relationship dynamics, and now realize I need to relearn what it means to really be in a healthy relationship while aware of my abused mindset/reactions to things due to abuse. This has been huge- what I considered “normal” reactions were actually over-the-top and intense, and it was all because of a very abusive ex; now I’m more aware and keep it in check. I lost my partner for a bit, only to rediscover them and grow stronger with them, which has been a blessing; I’ve learned that real love is a constant choice and that it takes sacrifices, but truly is rewarding if done with the correct person. I’ve had 3 different jobs and feel like I have a good one now lmao. I’m now switching universities for my overall happiness and to get a fresh start, away from my family. I’d say life is much better as it has changed over the past year C:

Apple Crisp: How do you relax?

Step 1: You don’t.

Lmfao but in all seriousness a symptom of PTSD/CPTSD is hypervigilance, or an inability to shut off the fight-or-flight response, to the point where it interferes with daily life. Sometimes my heart races and my mind chatters and there’s virtually nothing I can do to chill it tf out. Sometimes I get hella paranoid and have very intense worrisome intrusive thoughts that are hard to shut off. When its at its worst I can’t sleep very well and I’m always tense. I’m trying to work on it; what I do indeed find relaxing is taking walks and listening to music, playing with slime (seriously this has done wonders), drawing vent art if I’m in a bad mood, or scrolling through social media. I try to work out, although the last two times I did cardio I triggered a migraine, so I’m hoping that quits lmao. 

[journeytoresilience]

Direction and the Brain

So, I’ve started a system whereby each day I’m able to redirect my thoughts, I log it on a calendar. I’m hoping that this will give me a visual representation of how far I am coming. I’d been doing well for the past few days and then the thoughts and feelings came back with a vengence; I sat last night, after a wonderful evening wih Stefan and a cloud of panic descended upon me. I don’t know why. The cycle of thoughts then ensued like a tornado. At this moment in time I feel trapped inside a cyclone of worries and I’m unable to get out. It makes it more difficult that I sometimes also feel safer within the cyclone so I avoid getting out - it’s easier for me to castrophize and reuminate on thoughts than to let them slip and be caught out. I sat with the emotions and the feelings knowing they were fear - the needy within me tried to get reassurance from Stefan desperatley in hopes that it would settle the feeling. However, I know it wont and so does he and as per my therapists instructions we didn’t engage in the conversation. My ego started to flip; how can someone tell me they love me and watch me suffer? The rational side that I’m trying to nurture started to but in: this has to come from within you. The wound is within you. There is no external remedy. You don’t need to follow what your brain is trying to convince you to do - it’s based on an old belief pattern. You are safe. Whatever happens, you can handle it and have done in the past. I started to cry. I had no where to place this misguided emotion; it was like an internal tug of war. Stefan and I walked to the kitchen as a method of negating the thoughts. It didn’t work straight away and I ended up crying on the couch, part succumbing to the child inside. I had to soothe in some way. Stefan joined me and helpfully hugged me to let me know it would be ok. I decided there and then that the only way to get out of this was to say ‘i’m ok, let’s go to bed’. This is the virtue of having faith that everything will be ok. This was a breakthrough for me. I’ve never done this before. I woke up feeling anxious but it was manageable and I took steps to  slow down - I even did my makeup on a week day and I didn’t rush out to get to the gym.

So this got me thinking. What am I achieving my listening to my thoughts? It reminded me of an Eckhart Tolle quote regarding direction and pain. A brain needs direction for identity. This is the very act of the body taking on the ego. People gain identity in different ways: excessive gym going, aesthetic proceedures, over eating, drinking...social media. My direction, amongst a few, is to follow pain. I’m enmeshed in pain and it’s my haven and my identity. My identity is struggle. I believe the speed and intensity in which direction and identity is craved is based upon the connectors within the mind. Someone such as me with CPTSD can fire messages between neurons very quickly - much like any exercise with any muscle; increasing the weight or intensity of this exercise will strengthen that muscle or process. Because I have had repeated bouts of ‘pain’ these processes are completely embedded. I believe I latch onto any favoured identity or direction with the same intensity. I have the tools to do so; this is positive and negative in equal amounts - it means I can accomplish great success but also crash and burn catastrophically. This has happened in the past and I’ve ended up completely distraught, self harming and ending up in A&E because I have been unable to handle the amount of emotion and overwhelm that my brain has lead me towards. But there’s a sickening comfort -if i’m this low, I can’t sink lower. There is certainty. I’ve reached a level. But where has this got me? Two years ago, I took the brave decision to break free of this. I couldn’t allow myself to be as dysregulated as I had been based on the nuances of other human beings and my incorrect perceptions. It hurts. So I decided this:

1. People don’t love in the same amount. I embody love. I can’t do wrong to any other human being but some people are self serving and that’s ok. It’s a spectrum. Just be prepared for some heart ache if people aren’t as honest as you. It’s a reflection of them - not me. Although, admittadley, the thought of someone leaving me distraught and walking away scott free terrifies me. My internal message is that people don’t see my struggle 

2. I was trying to verbalise a pain I held deep inside. I thought a tangible demonstration would enable people to see. It didn’t. My message is misconstrued as aggression and made the sitation worse. I then enter a cycle of desperatley trying to get people to see how much i’m hurting. It’s ineffective.

3. I can’t allow Joah to pick up on my trauma. I can’t allow any of my processes to seep into his thought pattern. 

4. Equally, my hypomanic coping mehanism of being completely narcissistic and eotistical isn’t healthy. it’s provides transient relief but I’m not allowing myself to feel what I need too.

I’ve essentially developed a brand as a human being. Someone who I think I should be. 2019 is about trying to re-examine my authentic self and establish identity and direction in a healthy way.

[diasilek-blog]

Some of my story

Just to preface this: i am not dx with PTSD or CPTSD. I have not spent much time in therapy to share all of this. But will share it with my current therapist. Thanks for listening if you make it to the end you deserve all karma. I am sorting this by houses and places I've lived as it's much easier for me to remember that way, provided is the place I lived the the ages I was.

The apartment 0-1.5

I remember nothing no surprise there

House 1 1.5-4

Remember barely anything. Know that father and mother were together but father was an angry alcoholic however mom notes the nicest person when sober. I suppose an abusive father and Vietnam can do that to you. Mother tells me some frightening stories of him but also continues to note he's a teddy bear when sober. My aunts confirm this as well. My father was also a semi driver so he was often gone. Probably a good thing. There are 4 things I know about my dad (Now, not then) He drove truck, was an alcoholic, played drums in a band, and was in the Vietnam war.The only thing I visually remember is rice aroni for dinner, what I thought was a GIGANTIC spider on a lightbulb in the basement, and my room. I can also see those black and white fillagree like brogue oxford dress shoes next to a closet. Oh and those bouncy horses. When my mom was selling the house a buyer can through with her daughter and She got on the horse - I pushed her off. Other than that really nothing else. Father divorces my mom when I'm 3.5 and moved to California to be with his mistress. He ends up in a psych ward for what was either a ptsd episode or schizophrenia. No one I ask knows for sure. And I can't imagine actually asking him.

Quadplex 4-6

It's just my mom and me and our cat. I remember little from this period as well except for the following: eating Oreos for breakfast, slamming my head into a waterbed headboard and needing stitches, and sticking tweezers in a light socket, oh and making friends with neighbors next door. There are more but those seem the most prominent. Oh I'm also in daycare; I have fond memories of that at least. I don't hear from my father at all. I make 2 "friends" at daycare. They take turns ignoring me, forcing me to choose between them, and telling me I need to buy them toys to be their friend. I think about asking my grandma to buy me three jewel trolls. My mother meets someone new. I start kindergarten.

Duplex 6-9

My mother marries someone new. He seems nice. We move into the duplex. I don't remember a whole lot from this time besides my bedroom, the layout, pretending to run away in the back yard, eating chives, learning to ride a bike and then seeing my step dad kick my cat down the stairs. I'm still in daycare. Those girls are gone now.

House 2 9-11

I find out a girl from school lives across the street. We become inseparable. I am a little too eager for friendship and call her at 6am some days. Her family is annoyed with me. I can tell. We make friends with other neighborhood kids. One is a boy. Both of them start "dating" and exclude me from everything. Back to no friends. I ask my mom to intervene but she clearly doesn't want to. Eventually friend and I see each other at school on the playground. I tell her I have the new Nintendo system and now she wants to come over and play. This is how friendship works I guess.

I meet a girl in 3rd. Eventually we become good friends. I am always too eager for friendship. I call her one afternoon, we talk, then she says to hold on. I hold for 3 hours and then hang up. She becomes friends with the popular crowd and eventually I am left behind. I remember listening to "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston and wanting to dedicate it to her. My mom says she doesn't think that's what the song is about. I wonder What was wrong with me?

I start soccer and am terrible at first. My father comes to visit infrequently. I am basically forced to see him but I have no desire. My father and grandmother come late to a soccer game and they take me for the afternoon. I am scared and angry but they still take me. It's not as bad as I think it will be and I start to equate him to Fishsticks. They never sound good at all but then I eat one and it's not as terrible as I thought it would be. So, it's not always bad with him.

Eventually it is planned that I stay at his house one night. He lives directly across the street from my grandmother. At first it is fun however there are empty cardboard 12 packs lining his wall. I’m only 11ish so I find it disconcerting but I’m not sure I know the extent. We play a game centered around being a truck driver. I sense some pride inside for my father and his career. My father asks if I want to play pool in the basement. We go downstairs. I see his drum set. He teaches me the basic 4/4 beat. Somehow we begin talking about his time spent in the war. I don’t know what comes over me or why I decide to ask him, but the words just kind of come out. I ask him if he killed anyone in the war. He is visibly upset and says he’d rather not talk about that. Things are very awkward after this and he tells me he thinks I should go back over to my Grandma’s house and not spend the night. I leave.

House 3 11-18

Lots of good lots of bad. My father moves back to our state 1995. He's been gone for 7 years. Still not sober.

I initially meet a girl who seems to come from some dysfunction. Her mom is nice though however there is a guy who hangs around a little older than us. We go to my house and he breaks into my stepdads liquor cabinet. I freak out on him, he then goes into our garage and punches many dents in my step Dads car. I call my mom and they call the police. He runs. They catch him and eventually let him go after whatever punishment they gave. When he was back I got a call from him and his friends threatening me for money. I visited the girls house one day and he and his friends waited outside the house. I was terrified to leave but with my friend and her mom watching I walked home.

I play indoor soccer and my dad shows up with my grandmother to a game where is visibly intoxicated. He tries to find his way to our bench - I am mortified and crying but trying to hide it.

Eventually I meet a friend who I become very close with. She is basically a sister for me and still is to this day although we are a few states a part. I finally get to see what a normal family dynamic looks like. My father calls every few months when he is drunk. I hate it. He wants me to know that my stepdad isn't my real dad and that he is my dad. My whole body is tense. My step dad is always angry, emotionally mean and abusive to my mom. They argue about the dumbest things and he is mean. There are always eggshells to walk on and I am always angry with him. I want my mom to stand up for herself and there are many times she tells me she wants to divorce him. I tell her if support her in that decision. There is a night where things get really heated and I finally step in, crying I tell them to stop fighting and lock myself in my room. Eventually my stepdad comes knocking and he’s crying profusely apologizing. It felt so awkward.

Soccer continued, I become really good. I’m on varsity my sophomore year and am not happy about it. I’ve played soccer for the last 8 years with the same people. I am asked during Spanish class what I will be doing this weekend, I mention there is a varsity soccer sleepover. A past friend of mine thinks I’m bragging and tells everyone on my old team that I think I’m better than them. Some don’t talk to me for a while. Soccer was one of the best things my mom ever put me in. I am honorable mention in the state that year. The next year I experiment with marijuana and start smoking. I’m not as good the next year. Senior year I decide not to join – eventually I do after seeing a game and missing it. Definitely not as good as I was. In fact I suck in comparison.

I obsess over the availability of the internet and the vast expanse that it allowed me to explore. I make friends online and develop relationships with people. Eventually at 16 I fall head over heels for someone (Guy A) who lives in another state. We bond over music and I am hooked. He surprises me on Valentine's Day by showing up to my house after asking my mom her permission it's a fucking fairy tale. I am also only 16. I visit home once at his house and it is the first sexual experience I have. Long distance didn't work and my heart shattered. He would come and go out of my life for a few years. I meet another guy through the internet (Guy B). We bond over music and I fall hard. We talk for a year, on the phone, through netmeeting, aim, and even texting (nokias!). I graduate.

I attend my (very close friend who is like a sister)’s graduation. We are hanging out with 2 of our friends who attend a different school. They bring a friend with them. We drink a lot. There is a tent we all plan on sleeping in. We pile in and the friend we don’t know lays next to me. We all try to fall asleep. Until he does it. Out of nowhere reaches into my pants and touches me. I’m really not sure how long this lasts. After it stops I wait until I think he is asleep and then I go home. I tell no one.

I continue speaking to Guy B. He informs me he will come and visit. I am ecstatic. I forget about what happened in the tent. Guy B visits, I end up getting really sick and it turns out to be mono. (Which I think I got a month prior while still in school when one night I went out with friends and got super plastered and made out with a guy I didn’t know where he also stuck his hand down my pants but I didn’t stop him. I had hickeys all over my neck and my soccer team makes fun of me) The week with Guy B was amazing. He left and I was hopeful. But once he got back home he stopped talking to me. Eventually telling me he couldn’t take the distance and that one of us would eventually need to move. Another shattered heart. My step dad is still mean. I remember riding in the car with him and my mom when someone either cut him off or break checked him. He proceeded to tailgate them, cussing, yelling, swerving side to side. The car in front went faster and so did he. It was terrifying. My mom eventually yelled at him to take us home.

College Dorm 18-18

I start college and make it half a semester. I know no one and the social anxiety is terrible. I move back home and see a psychologist who diagnoses me with social anxiety.

Home 3 18-19

I’m back home. My mom wants me to find a job; a stipulation of dropping out of college. She finds a job listing for a warehouse worked disassembling computer equipment. It’s night shift, but it’s money and it’s stability I needed at the time. The company is amazing and I am very fortunate. My sister friend has been dating a guy for a very long time and they ask me to come bowling. I meet my first long term boyfriend. He is my friends boyfriends best friend. He is also 7 years older than me. I lose my virginity to him after basically telling myself “Well, this is it” It wasn’t the experience I was hoping for.

I basically end up living with him and his roommate.

1st BF House 19-20

I’m back and forth between houses but mostly at his. He works days, I work nights. I wake up one morning and he’s at work; I spot a camera under his tv stand. It’s on, and it’s recording. I’m baffled. I watch it. It’s basically nothing but me sleeping. I question him about it and he states that he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything (not sure what that includes) For some reason I let it slide. We date for 2 years. I have gained some weight since 18. I wasn’t anywhere near unhealthy but I wasn’t in the greatest shape. We get a dog together. I start running with the dog. 1 year later I’m in the best shape ever. This dog is my life. I’m drinking lightly at this point but running causes me to not want to drink. But I do smoke cigarettes after my runs. Go figure.

1st Apartment 20-21

We live together. When we move I’ve been sort of back in contact with my father. He offers to help us move. Up to this point we are very off and on, maybe once a year we speak. I am still running. My job is going well and I move to first shift as well as moving departments. I begin doing inventory and being a computer repair technician. Things are ok.

I decide to go back to school for what I thought was my passion – graphic design. I attend a local community college. My boyfriend says to not take many classes or I may end up in the same situation as before. I honestly think he just doesn’t want me to advance myself or meet other people. One day on my way to school I remember that my dad is living in an efficiency in a motel nearby. I find some courage that day to confront him. To ask him about what happened. He’s not there when I knock on his door but just as I’m about to leave I see him pull up. He’s gone to the store to buy another 12 pack of beer. So much anxiety at this point. Ultimately I ask him why he left, he doesn’t give me a good answer (as if there would be one) he just said sometimes 2 people just drift apart. This doesn’t explain why he was never around. Days later, on my way to school I am listening to music, a favorite thing of mine to do, when all of a sudden I feel disconnected from everything. The music sounds different. I can’t “feel” it anymore. It’s pretty much been that way since.

After coming home from my half semester away at college I’ve been experimenting more and more with illegal substances. Almost everything except for Meth and Heroin. I don’t consider this to be necessarily negative. I was always safe about my experiencing making sure to check Erowid for stories, information and overall preparedness before we’d ever do anything.

Guy A contacts me online and my current boyfriend and I are arguing a lot. Intimacy basically never exists in my relationships so they are always rocky. I find escape in talking to Guy A again. I sneak out to see him one night and my current boyfriend finds out. He is very hurt and wants to end it. The next morning I try to smooth things over, I am panicking. He goes to work and I am supposed to eventually go to mine. I can’t think about anything other than he is going to leave me. I don’t even get dressed for the day, I get in my car and follow him to his work. I am in survival mode basically. I need to know that I won’t be abandoned or left again by someone. I feel crazy. Things eventually smooth over.

Home 3 21-21

Months later I decide to move home and he moves in with his old roommate into a duplex. I am running even more now with our dog. The dog lives at his house and I miss him terribly. We still fight and argue and I’m still unable to develop real intimacy with him. I continue to seek connection outside of the relationship but know that I shouldn’t. I can’t remember how this happened but I must have given my number to someone online and they began contacting me. My boyfriend found out and was again hurt and this time very angry. Threats of breaking up occurred over the phone. I went to his house and banged on his glass sliding door screaming on the patio. He wouldn’t let me in, and again I felt that panic that sets in when someone is about to leave you. I think eventually he let me in out of pity. Some form of reconciliation happened. I tried as much as I could at that time to connect with the person I was supposed to connect with. I wasn’t able to. I eventually ended it on my own terms AFTER I had met someone else at work. It’s a pattern of mine to do that. He takes my dog with him. I don’t see him ever again. It’s extremely heartbreaking for me. I loved that dog. I eventually get a new dog a few months later to fill the void and that dog is still with me.

I date this person from work for 6 months or so and we break up, after I run into someone I went to high school with who I had a major crush on.

Apartment 2 21-22

I move into a new apartment with one of my good friends. I’ve been able to make a few friends at this point. At this point I’ve been working for that same employer since I was 18. I’ve since moved from the warehouse into the office doing work on their website and marketing material. I haven’t finished my graphic design degree and decide to switch my major to marketing. I begin making some good money at this point and am fairly comfortable. I’m dating the guy I knew from high school. I also know that since high school he had developed an addiction to heroin. When I meet him he claims he is clean. I’ll find out later that he definitely isn’t. One day I go out and about while he’s still at my home. I come back to find that he’s vacuumed my stairs which is super nice of him and then I see my dog. His eye and surrounding area is 3 times the size it should be. I ask my boyfriend what happened and he says the dog peed on the stairs after he cleaned them. He fucking punched my dog.I don’t know why I stayed with him. I eventually left after he continued to lie to me about using. This time I didn’t have a back up. It was the first time I actually did something healthy for myself in regards to a relationship. I meet someone at my cousins wedding. We see each other around afterwards.

My friend decides to move back home. I find an apartment in the same complex with a 1 bedroom and move. I get a call from my doctor after an abnormal pap, it comes back with CIN III dysplasia. I don’t quite know what this means as far as fertility and my overall health. I have a leep procedure and am lucky that it gets rid of it all. 6 months later I am HPV free.

Apartment 3 22-24

Guy B calls one night randomly. Guy B and I continue talking, he’s saying all the right things to me and is regretful of how it ended between us. I am kind of talking to guy I met at the wedding. Guy B and I bond again over music and I plan to go and visit him. Guy at wedding wants to date. I’ve booked a flight to go see Guy B. I don’t know what to do. I think I should go for what I feel is a sure thing with wedding guy. Guy B hurt me the last time we were together. I end up cancelling my flight with Guy B and calling that off. I date wedding guy for a few months, but I’m not feeling a connection. Somehow guy A ends up in my town and we meet up. I do things I shouldn’t with him while I’m in a relationship wedding guy. I break it off with him. I get a hold of Guy B and apologize. I make plans to visit him on new years. The week I spend there is awesome but I have this sinking feeling that the situation will only end the same as it did before. At the end of the week he drops me off at the airport. He only gives me a hug and leaves. I am devastated because I know this is it. I cry for hours in the airport and am approached by a random stranger who was in town for a lighting project. He comforts me and tries to calm me down. I am appreciative of his compassion.

I date a few people here and there and eventually meet someone. I like him, my friends basically hate him. I should have known, for some reason I am always hooked on people who aren’t good for me. within 3 months I am pregnant. I remember the night, we use a condom but find it has broken. The next day I take plan b. I think everything is ok until I miss my period. I am not sure what to do. I do tell 4 people. My mom, 2 friends, and a coworker who has become a mentor to me. I am thankful for this support network.

This guy has a career he has worked very hard for and is continuing to work hard on. I tell him I am pregnant and he is very supportive at first. But he wants me to consider abortion. He is afraid he will resent the child for not allowing him to pursue his dreams. I am torn. I have always wanted children – but not in this way. Knowing he would resent his child or the possibility of him resenting his child just reminds me of my childhood and not having a father. I don’t want to put any child through that. I decide to terminate. Before I can do that I need a counseling session. Boyfriend comes there with me. I am definitely not ok but am going through it anyways. I breakdown on the phone with a nurse when I scheduled the appointment.

My boyfriend is out of town for work on the day of the abortion. I go by myself, have to watch a short film, and then take a pill. I will need to take one more later on. There is a group of students doing a study and the doctor wants to know if they can watch me while I take the pill. I agree for some reason. It was all over so quickly. I am ushered out of the building and walk to my car alone. I feel guilty and numb and sad and so very alone. I go to my parents’ house and wait it out. All of the things that happen happen and my mom is there for me. I go back to my apartment that night and take a bath. While taking my bath a feel a weird sensation and one last clot is passed – it’s large, and it’s not something I wanted to see. It’s floating in the bath with me. I scoop it out and throw it in the toilet.

I’m sure my boyfriend is relieved but I am the one that lives with this. He tells me I have 3 days to mourn and then it’s something we need to get over.

I have a hard time living with this decision. It causes many issues in our relationship. He gets fired from his job. We go see his family in his home state. I see how terrible he is to his mother. Why am I still in this relationship? Somehow his mother and us are talking and discussing babies and I have no idea how abortion is brought up but she says “you better not be aborting my grandbabies!” I break down.

Eventually he finds a job out of state. I basically beg him to take me with. We move, all 3 of us, which includes his roommate. They have been best friends for years and I am constantly the third wheel.

Apartment 4 24-25

Lots of things happen here. Most of it is extremely toxic. My boyfriend and I argue so often. I am still seething from the abortion and am resentful. I find that he’s joined a dating website. He says he only did it in case we don’t work out.

I find a job relatively quickly and will work there for the next 3 years. It is also extremely toxic for me. He loses his job fairly quickly.

When my boyfriend and I fight I tend to not remember most of the arguments. I think I remember what I say but when we fight about things we’ve said he disagrees with me and tells me that’s not how things happened and I start to feel crazy. I find a document on his computer that is titled “what -myname- says during arguments” and I do not open it. He says he keeps it so he has proof of what I say. Is he gaslighting me? am I really crazy, do I really not remember things correctly? I am so confused.

Maybe I am the perpetrator?

Many nights are spent fighting, I can’t remember what they were about now. I remember the anger in his face when he was trying to leave the apartment to go for a walk and I remember the panic that set in as I shrunk into a ball on the floor. Another panic attack when someone threatens to leave. He walks out and I gain the composure to try and find him. I find him and I yell at him for not being there for the abortion about him not having to deal with what I dealt with. I’m sure everyone in our apartment complex can hear us.

I find he’s actually been talking to girls on this dating website and I go stay at a hotel for the night. A few months later he finds a job in his home state and moves back, he wants me to come with. Instead I’ve been looking at apartments and sign on one. I am terrified of being on my own. I don’t move with him, I stay.

Apartment 5 25-28

I am finally alone with only my work relationships. I try to make friends with the girls there but they are not my kind. My boss likes to use intimidation and vitriol to manage our department. Most days I have anxiety about going to work.

I find someone online and we begin dating. He is dx bi-polar and takes medication. He consistently claims he is no good for me and that he has never dated someone as normal as I am. I am not really normal there is just a very convincing façade.

The relationship is mysterious and not stable. Eventually he breaks up with me and I am fired from my job for declining performance I think but they don’t give me a reason and I am kind of devastated but also kind of relieved.

I give it a few months and am applying for jobs here and there. I have a quick stint at a VA job fair for a week. I begin talking to someone on okcupid, but have decided that I should probably move back home. After the job fair is complete I pack up some bags and drive home to visit. I continue talking to this new person through okcupid and now texting. I am applying for jobs in my hometown. I am getting requests for interviews. I’m not sure what I should do. I go back home and meet the person I’ve been texting with. He’s very sweet and kind and I think sexual things may have happened too quickly, but he cares and for once I finally feel safe somewhere. I get an interview for a company and eventually get the job. I’m making good money and things are starting to level off. New guy and I connect quickly and there is no doubt that there is finally something stable, good, and loving in my life. It is quick though when we become pregnant after talks about wanting children. We really didn’t think that would happen so quickly. I am kind of shocked but we are both excited. I know we’ll need a place to live and neither of our places suited so I set out to buy our first house. My credit was good enough at that point.

Final House 28-32

We move into the house when I’m 4 months pregnant. I am proposed to on mother’s day with the rocky II proposal. Thing are great. We have our daughter by c-section and it’s the most emotional and happy I’ve felt in my entire life. We both cry. Breastfeeding isn’t easy and she has lots of phlegm so when she spits up she has a hard time breathing. I develop post partum anxiety over feeding her and eventually get prescribed anxiety medication. Life goes on there is depression and I’m having a hard time being intimate.

It seems as though intimacy is always easy for me in the beginning of relationships but as they progress it gets much hard for me to connect. And it’s not just with my husband but with my kids as well. Oh yeah, we have another child after we get married. These kids are the fucking best and I am SURROUNDED by love all of the time. I think sometimes it is so overwhelming. I have never felt this before. I actually have a group of friends who care about me and who care about each other and it is entirely evident that these people are the best people I’ve ever had in my life. I sometimes feel I don’t belong and have a hard time relating. I still have anxiety and issues and my drinking has increased throughout my life. I no longer do any type of drugs.

I am currently a business analyst for a different company and I absolutely love what I do. I have a caring employer and I feel as though my life has done a complete 180. I am extremely fortunate but I have a hard time feeling that. I know in my brain that I am safe but that is not how my body feels most of the time. Intimacy between my husband and I is pretty nonexistent but he is very supportive. I just feel bad that I am unable to give him what he needs. I am in therapy every 2 weeks. I want to get better for him and our family. She seems to be the first therapist I feel has some understanding and concern for me. I am trying very hard to be present here and to enjoy what I have but it is very hard to do. I have dermatillomania as well. I am working on that, and it doesn’t bring me as much shame as it used to. I feel lots of different things but I think confusion is the most common feeling. There is so much more but I’ve already wrote a book.

If you’ve read this far thank you. Sorry for the mess and jumble The chronological pattern is based on where I lived verse my actual age. So I hope the skipping around in certain sections isn’t too confusing.