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comradekatara · 1 month

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so on a scale of aang (killing is always wrong) to katara (killing is a statement) to sokka (killing is a tool), where would the rest of the gaang + ozais angels go?

toph is hard to pin down because she’s the only character who ever actually kills people outside of the context of war. and i don’t know if she even realizes what she did, because she’s 12 and the adrenaline rush of discovering that you can actually metalbend probably supersedes any logical reasoning in that moment, but like, she did just leave two guys to die a gruesome death in a metal box. so i do think it’s more nuanced that simply saying, “to toph, killing is fun and flirty,” but like, there is a not insignificant part of her that will gladly kill as a means of asserting her power over others and individual autonomy, and has no compunctions about killing those who threaten her autonomy specifically, as it is such an acute point of trauma for her. but also, she’s twelve so like, she’ll probably develop a more nuanced approach to that quandary as she ages.

zuko’s stance on killing is mostly that he’s happy to outsource that violence and then take credit for it as long as he personally doesn’t have to get his hands dirty. like he’ll hire an assassin but won’t bring himself to admit that “end them” means “kill them,” or he’ll threaten to kill zhao and then try to save his life at the last minute. he wants aang to kill his dad but would never actually kill ozai himself, just as he wants katara to kill yon rha, but would never actually kill ozai himself. and i’m sure zuko thinks this is all because he’s a coward who simply lacks the capacity to be ruthless and effective (like sokka), but actually it’s symptomatic of zuko’s greatest quality, which is his inherent sensitivity, his queasy stomach for violence, his predisposition for gentleness, the fact that he actually struggles to deny his own inclinations and simply submit himself to a logic of brutal death and destruction. he thinks it makes him weak, but the fact that he actually has a desire to do the right thing and be a good person despite it all is truly his greatest strength.

azula is always operating from a place of survival because it was impressed to her from a very young age that she exists in a world that is unforgivingly cruel, and it is kill or be killed. she does not want to die (which is quite possibly one of her greatest points of deviation from sokka, but i digress) so she wholeheartedly submits herself to this logic, and unlike zuko, who struggles to erode his own humanity even under the threat of violence, azula is very good at becoming something “monstrous” (her words) out of fear, can contort herself into any shape necessary as long as the threat is tangible enough. so obviously azula approaches killing in the same way sokka does, no surprise there. murder is a tool to achieve her ends, to ensure her own safety and survival. it is simply a mechanism of war. but unlike sokka’s view of it, she also believes that the strong kill the weak because the weak deserve to die, and that logic she inherited from ozai.

we never see suki actively kill anyone, but she does threaten to feed sokka to the unagi, so like, even if she is (probably) joking, i don’t think suki is flat out against killing. i think she’ll kill if she absolutely has to, but would also prefer not to because she clearly values and holds a deep appreciation for life. but also, whenever there is a gap in our textual understanding of suki, i usually just fill it in by being like wwkd (what would kyoshi do), so maybe that’s why i just said. who knows

mai always makes an effort to never actually stab people with her blades, but rather pin them in place. that said, whether this is because a Y-7 cartoon simply isn’t allowed to depict blood or if it’s because mai is genuinely that attuned to not seriously hurting the people she throws knives at, i’m not entirely sure. i like to think that mai doesn’t actually want to hurt people, because like zuko, she is naturally inclined towards sensitivity and gentleness, but i think there’s also a part of her that would lock people in a metal box if she could. i think the best way to summarize mai is thus, excitement is valuable (including the heat of battle), but killing is unpleasant.

ty lee has actively refined a technique that makes her extremely dangerous without ever actually having to cause long-lasting damage to someone physically (psychologically is another story). yet another W for ty lee air nomad heritage theory, but i digress. ty lee is smart enough that she never actually has to be personally responsible and culpable for killing anyone ever, but she is also submitting to and enabling the violence of an empire for the sake of her own survival, so it’s not like she’s not complicit either. so to ty lee, killing is also a tool, but one she personally doesn’t need to employ, which is a comfort to her.

iroh (technically you didn’t ask about him but he’s fascinating so i can’t just leave him out) used to view killing as a tool, and now views it as an inviolable taboo because it took him like over 50 years to recognize the inherent value of human life and the grief of losing a loved one. so it’s not that he grew up in a “kill or be killed world” that fostered his need to kill to ensure his survival, but simply that he grew up in paradigm that dictated that “killing is the path to attaining glory” and he was good at killing, and thus glorious. but then he experienced the consequences of that worldview firsthand, and had to completely recalibrate his own logic of conquest and domination. and so now he’s still capable of violence in equal measure, but is less willing to exercise it for purely shallow, destructive reasons. yay..??

jet actually does think that killing is fun and flirty. anyone who disagrees with him deserves to die because he is simply right about everything. sokka? closet fire nation sympathizer, obviously. guy he met on a boat who said “hey im not really interested in joining your child militia”? well he’s probably the prince of the fucking fire nation (okay he was right about that one but he had no way of knowing it so). he watched the rough rhinos burn down his house and murder his family with a smile on their faces, and a part of him that day calcified and decided that the only way to truly reclaim his power was to beat them at his own game. so he does everything in his power to control the people he can, to control his narrative, to refine his logic in a way that makes him the uncontested hero no matter what. but in truth, it’s quite simple: he wants power because he has none.

haru exists somewhere between “killing is a statement” and “killing is a tool.” killing is a tool because it functions as a statement. killing is a statement because it functions as a tool. violent resistance is necessary by any means necessary, but you know, in a nice way. he’s basically just the model of the “good” colonized subject who fights for collective liberation instead of personal empowerment, so it makes sense that he’s introduced before jet as like the emblem of what katara should do (how she should fight, what she would fight for) versus what she shouldn’t. which is like, perhaps a simplistic reduction of “good” vs “bad” methods of resistance into “our noble collective action” vs “their senseless terrorism,” but like. lol. what can you do

#turtles-alltheway-down #asks #analysis #toph #zuko #azula #suki #mai #ty lee #iroh #jet #haru #put the main three who matter here above and then the rest below the cut #sometimes i forget that zuko is a good character bc yall are so annoying about him…. but then i remember #i also need to talk about more at length about how azula rationalizes that the weak deserve to die thru ozai for MULTIPLE interconnected #reasons that I didn’t have time to get into here #and also just azula’s relationship to ozai in general #but im putting off actually writing that bc it is. genuinely devastating and i don’t wanna #anyway!!

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prince-liest · 2 months

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Re: that one anon,

You and Tzafael live rent free in my head fr, I am going insane over your fics 24/7 and have to stop myself from talking about your fic with uninterested parties who wouldn't understand why I'm so obsessed ALL THE TIME. I am cursed.

Do you have anymore interesting Tzafael lore?

-☠️

Ps. Why does art take so long I wanna post my painting already

I just hope you're half as feral about my writing as I am about the fact that you're out here being interested in my Hazbin Hotel OC, because the sound this ask prompted in me is best described as the verbal equivalent of a keyboard smash. U bring me so much joy, spirits.

Ahem!!!!! AN EXCUSE TO TALK ABOUT TZAFAEL!

@spoondrifts, who knows and has studied significantly more about the subject than me, helped me figure the name "Tzafael"! To paraphrase them: The suffix -el means "of god". The hebrew word for eyes is einayim, which in its construct state would be something like eineiel/ayneyel, roughly transliterated "tzafah." It also means to watch/observe but also to predict or foresee, so "Tzafael" could mean a witness or beholder of god.

Tzafael is younger than Lucifer and knew him only a little prior to his fall. Their relationship with him is akin to how you would see the queer uncle who got kicked out of the family because he came out when you were like ten years old and didn't really understand much, except now you're also queer, twenty-nine, have established your own life, and suddenly realized you're living in the same city. Do you reach out? Do you duck behind a corner when you see him?

They... have not technically fallen. Nobody kicked them out. There's nothing physically stopping them from returning to heaven. That said: they do not often return to heaven, and heaven puts a lot of effort into not talking about why or what, exactly, they might be doing, but surely it's better that they stay gone. Nobody wants another Lucifer situation. And it's not like that! Really. Really. They haven't officially done anything wrong. Don't say the word "rogue," not even quietly.

This does mean that their halo still works and they still receive exorcist broadcast communications, though! You'd be surprised at how far the signal goes. It makes for a very interesting tea time, and they fucking love to gossip. It comes with being the Witness.

Their cardinal sin is pride. They enjoy the fact that they're almost the heaviest hitter possible in hell purely by courtesy of being a seraph so much. They like to think they stay classy about it, but those who know them also know that the best way to get a favor from the fallen seraph is to be polite and stroke their ego.

#ask #personal #spirits anon #my ocs #tzafael #my writing #they're below the royal family on the power tier list but above the seven deadly sins #basically: a seraph but a rogue one rather than one with any actual dominion over hell #thank you so much for asking Q^Q #I LOVE. TALKING ABOUT TZAFAEL.#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel oc

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asjjohnson · 1 year

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The ability to fly would open up a new dimension to explore (in the mathematical-physical sense—we already know Danny had opened one up in the other sense). Think of how much Danny would notice that no one else would?

Think of bees. (Not so much birds, because we see birds all the time, and also because they don't seem quite as graceful and maneuverable as bees.) When I did a search for how high bees can fly, I found something that said bees could fly higher than Mount Everest (little edit: may've misunderstood what it meant. They might not've been found flying that high after all, just that 'they could'). Bees can go anywhere they want, just for fun.

We as humans tend to (for the most part) view the world as six feet high. Anything six feet or under, we know about (or possibly up to eight feet. But it's not much higher than our height). And we don't really realize we're thinking this way.

Sure, we can look upward, we can see treetops from a distance, we can see what the sky looks like. But it's from the perspective of looking up from a distance. Our worldview is colored by looking up from six feet or less.

It's a flat surface. Despite us knowing it's not flat, we don't really internalize it as being 3D and navigable. And we also don't realize what's up there. Who would ever imagine there were bees buzzing around the top of a 200 foot tree? To get to flowers we didn't even notice were up there?

And, yeah, we have planes, but they fly in a set path and you can only look down at the very distant ground. Helicopters are probably more similar, but not many people fly or ride those.

But Danny... after the accident, he would've started out sticking close to the ground a lot, but as he started getting more comfortable with the ability to fly, his worldview probably would've changed gradually. From his preconceived idea of 'the world is six feet or less' to 'the world is spacious and easily explored and so very 3D'.

There's an episode where he's vacuuming the living room ceiling—as though he thinks his parents will notice that it's cleaner than before. And though I understand the 'I have to clean everything so I don't get in trouble' impulse better than I should, there's a chance it's partly from Danny seeing the house differently than before. The ceiling becomes just another wall for him. ...One that he might clean often when he has cleaning chores, because he's going to notice all those spiderwebs and cobwebs, and the little bugs gathering in the light fixtures.

(...He probably would realize the ground is also navigable at some point, too. Think of all the tunnels and moles and snakes and other creatures he'll see, and all the plant roots and such.)

#danny phantom #danny fenton #just some thoughts #it's not really a 'what if' idea because it just... is.#asj post #I'd looked at some red buds on a maple tree using binoculars and kinda thought aloud 'I wonder what pollinates maple flowers'.#Because I knew maples had flowers because I'd seen something about it online once. ...I hadn't really realized it before then.#And my dad said probably Honey Bees. And I was like... 'bees fly that high?'#When my dad said he guessed so; I said I've always only seen them around this high (and put my hand at shin-level).#So... that's what made me realize there's a lot I just don't realize exists. From only living in a world near my height and below.#Planted to the ground.#...There was a post I saw awhile ago about people with weird ideas. One was about an illustration showing people standing on top of #the Earth and a person had been surprised because they thought we'd lived inside the Earth.#And actually... I thought the person could've been partially right. We don't live On Top of the Earth. We live under the atmosphere.#We're stuck halfway inside it. Under the layers of atmosphere but above the solid layers. Actually we're on the teeny tiny Crust layer.#I thought it was weird because when we talk about gas giants like Jupiter and Saturn we don't measure them based on their core size.#We measure them based on the size of their atmosphere.#So yeah we actually do live inside the Earth and not on top of it.#There was also a post I saw with a closeup of Saturn. Those clouds looked so 3D and thick and invitingly explorable. They looked bottomless #my search engine had answered the bee question wrong. but I did find something that said they'd definitely found Flies over 19000 ft.'#Not as high as Everest but still really high.

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front-facing-pokemon · 11 months

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#this one's like a fucking mystery. who's that pokémon?? what pokémon is this?? you can't fucking tell unless you open the cut or read below #where i tag what pokémon it is. i think i'm gonna put this one's tags above the actual name of the pokémon just to throw y'all for a loop #because this one? i don't even KNOW what counts as front-facing. i'm ASSUMING it's the top one?? but the prey eyes are just #unbelievable so i included that one under the cut. i don't even know if i can consider that “prey eyes” at this point. what is this thing??#what's the thing protruding?? a mouth?? it doesn't lend itself to making it look any more like a moon! it just— it just protrudes!!#i really just don't understand. what or why this pokémon is or exists. what type is it? pure psychic?#nnnNNAURP rock/psychic. can't believe i forgot about the rock typing considering the way that guy with the solrock in swsh #raid battles used it. whatever i think i've successfully revealed what pokémon this is by now #lunatone #and yes‚ i know now that zangoose walks on all fours in pmd. THANK YOU!!! FOR TELLING ME. EVERYONE ON TUMBLR #i got it when the first person told me. i looked them up. i saw them. with my eyes. i feel like i've talked about pmd enough in these tags #and in asks that i've answered that you all should know how much of a pmd fan i am by now but i guess it's GOOD TO CONFIRM #perhaps no one really does read these tags. unless they have an opportunity to correct me. lasered in on that #i'm not like mad i'm just like WOW everyone told me. that is SO many people telling me after the first one did and i know SO hard #anyway. i'm gonna go remove these tags from the dusclops post. pphhhheew

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asheanon · 1 year

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Since I'm finding myself very fickle about the merfolk outfit ideas, I'll just settle on sharing the basic mermaid version of MerSal today. 🌊🤍

She's officially done and I'll continue working on the others! Outfits will come later, if I still wish to entertain them. 🎨👗

(Just a little more of a closeup. 💕)

#🌠 Ashe Anon | Art 🎨#🌠 Ashe Anon | As Above So Below 🌊#Sal 🌌🎹#I want to talk about MerEthereals #at some point #MerEthereal lore #they won't be called “MerEthereals”#by the way #I'll figure something out eventually...#🤔#anyway #time for tags #mermay #mermay 2023 #oc #mermaid #jellyfish

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redstrewn · 8 months

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Probably the most delicious thing would be yeah, we see how truly powerful and terrifying and horrifying leander can get, but after all that we see he's just a bumbling human. Even with all his power he's just a pathetic man full of desperation. Not much different from you. And at some point he is helpless, just like any human being can get. Not the extraordinary being he likes to pose as. Just a groveling, sad man. Pitiful like the people he's obsessed with saving.

#as above so below #redstrewn talks #i want him to be at the mercy of MC at some point. not necessarily with his life but also works emotionallh #hes building dependence in MC?? uno reverse.#i mean yea we can already see hes desperately dependent on their power but much more than that. i want it to be deeper

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landwriter · 2 months

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WIP Title Ask Game

Tagged by the inimitable @xx-vergil-xx <3

RULES: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

Listen, we've been here before, but for those who missed or repressed it, all my finished and unfinished fic lives in a single FocusWriter document named Untitled 1 that's about 277,000 words, with an index last updated sometime in late 2022 or early 2023, arranged in a loosely reverse chronological order, with exception for related WIPs and also the Seventies San Francisco AU, Lighthouses, which is between chapters 4 and 5 of Oaths. No, I don't know why I'm this way either.

But I am delighted!! for a chance to shamelessly use this as an excuse to tag people and catch up on what you beautiful souls are writing! (or not writing, as the case may be)

And my own, for asks please send asks:

WIPs I remained acutely aware of who lured me back:

Lighthouses

An Eternity of This

WIPs I absolutely forgot at mental daycare pickup but totally DO want to write and get out there now that I've seen them again:

Professional Fuckers

Skin - 05.14.23

Just Like Love followup that began its life innocently as 'Hob POV missing scenes', caught some more Corinthian scenes due to this very meme on Tumblr, and then like weeds in April exploded beyond all hope into an unhinged noir/dark comedy/tragedy play-it-all-the-way-out Corinthian/Hob/Dream cerberus-monster-of-a-sequel that would be longer than Oaths if I ever wrote it and annoyingly is probably my favourite thing on this list despite the fact I will almost certainly never have the time to actually write it, or maybe because of that :)

You’ve Got Mail AU

Come getcha hot fresh snippets!!!

Tagging with puppydog eyes: @moorishflower @softest-punk @teejaystumbles @wordsinhaled @that-banhus @chubsthehamster

#please let me talk about any of these at length i’ll be so happy <3 #wip title game #i am so annoying for not having ANY fun descriptions because i usually know my title within the first thirty minutes of starting something #if not before i start writing it #forgive me for indulging myself with the JLL WIP since it's a rare exception #but if i get carried away writing new snippets for some that's technically productive actually :)#as usual gagging to be asked about my projects instead of working on them #as above so below #the sandman #tag games #my wips

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months

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...

#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated

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kanohivolitakk · 5 months

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Also since I was talking about Cryoshell, heres my tierlist on all their songs from a mixture of an objective and subjective standpoint.

SS tier: Bye Bye Babylon, The Room, Gravity Hurts

S tier: Closer to the Truth, Murky, Trigger, No More Words

A tier: Don't Look Down, Nature Girl, Slipping

B tier: Creeping in my soul, Feed, Come To My Heaven

C tier: Dive, Falling, Breakout

D tier: Faux

#kirika talks #bionicle #cryoshell #funnily enough all of my favorite songs are either in S lr A tier save for bye bye babylon lol. which is one of my top fave songs by them #And no i didnt list as above so below because its not a cryoshell song its a song by essenger featuring cryoshell #sonf slaps tho easily top 5 essenger songs for me #not my favorite since Divine Virus Lost Boys and Offworld exist but its up there.

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fleshdyke · 3 months

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hchkvgjvfj

#csa warning for tags #goddd being raped at 6ish and brutally bullied is a hell of a combination #i was the one kid in not only my grade but multiple above and below me as well that the boys would dare each other to 'ask out'#absolutely CONSTANTLY. like jesus #by the time i was raped i'd already been bullied pretty badly for a while. including being constantly told i was ugly by all the boys #which is like. a huge reason i was raped in the first place. i still dont know who it was but i can only assume he took advantage of me #being constantly bullied to abuse me. as child rapists so often do #but like i was always the one that would be 'asked out' as a dare bc why would any of them want to talk to me #it was so inconceivable that any of them could want to be near me let alone 'go out' with me. they didn't even bother trying to hide the way #they laughed. like they didn't try to hide it bc they knew no one would do anything #and this happening to me fucking constantly for years on end throughout my ENTIRE childhood. that fucks with you man #like i dont think its even possible for anyone to like being around me at all. let alone find me attractive #there's still never been a single person who's had a crush on me or whatever #like all my friends have stories about annoying boys having crushes on them when they were younger. and what does it say about me that im #the complete opposite. and like it's so stupid because who fucking cares what 10 year old boys thought in 2016 but it really really fucks #you up bad man. like if anyone ever does come to be attracted to me for whatever reason i dont think im ever going to be able to believe it #i'm always going to be waiting for the joke to end and them to start laughing. i'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop #and the worst part of it all is that i fucking want to be raped again #being raped as a little kid is the only time anyone has ever wanted me. it's the only time i've ever been desired. and i dont even like sex #but it's just the only time anyone has ever loved me in a non parental way #like i have one crush story to all my friends'. and it was a grown man that raped me when i was little #and i want to be raped again so fucking badly not because i would enjoy it but because it would prove that someone actually fucking wants me #i want to be sexually harassed and not in the way i usually am. i want to be catcalled and have to be scared walking around alone #i want men to grope me and say disgusting things and rape me because then i would finally be fucking wanted #it would prove that i'm actually likeable in some capacity. that i still am #im so scared that now that im grown im just a lost cause. because i was only desirable when i was little. now im just nothing #and i know i shouldnt even care but its so fucking hard to shake. i just want someone to love me #and i love my mom so much but i want them to love me because they want to and not because they have to #rambles #vent

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yearningsaphic · 4 months

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ok hear me out, a rave in the paris catacombs but its in the as above, so below universe

#as above so below #horror #horror movies #paris catacombs #dante #dantes inferno #inferno #dante alighieri #dante.txt #misc.#misc.txt #miscellaneous #willow talks #willow.txt

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trainingdummyrabbit · 1 year

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Hehe hi Pik :0 I'll give you three questions for your ask game and you can pick out whatever you want to answer <:]

What are your thoughts on Kaigaku? I know he's a bit of spoiler territory but I'm curious .. or maybe what are your thoughts on Muichiro? You decide!

A question just for me, though ,, do YOU have a favorite bird? .., !!

oh abolutely HYSTERICAL to give a pick scenario and then lay down topics that will instantly get me to talk for hours on end at the drop of a hat KSJNGFKDJNGKD

so!! the easy one!! my favorite bird, ithink, is between the mourning dove and the house sparrow! they are not terribly glamorous but i love them so so dearly and will instantly cheer up when i think about them :')

as for the character questions. thank you for enabling me HJBSJFBJD

i could very very easily write an entire goddamn essay about Either of them, but for the sake of saving whatever brevity i can manage to keep, ill save talking abt mui for when That Episode(tm) drops whenever it does, because inevitebly, i will be Absolutely Inconsolable and it Will happen anyway KJNDKGDF

instead, for now, under a cut because this preamble is already paragraphs long... kaigaku.

i fucking hate this man. i cannot stand him, hes the worst, he is so fucking stupid, i think about him fucking constantly, and he is one of my favorites. he is so fucking insufferable, and i love him!

ok so. getting into kny, i was like. immediately a zenitsu liker. like i saw him and went "god. fuck. shit. its gonna be this nerd i dont even know about yet and i can feel it already." (i was right.) which is Crucial to knowing the angle here. and when i got to his part in th manga, i . genuinely dont remember if i even thought too hard about him. i dont even remember when i Did, i just know that he Wasnt there, and then he Was, and he Never Fucking Left KSJNKDJGN

which is very very fucking funny, considering... how much of a character he straight up Isnt.

like yeah! he sure does show up in a flashback and then fights zen and dies about it! it takes like, a two chapters max! and the entire time, his only character trait is "bitch for no reason." like... that sure isn't a lot to go off of. so like... why? i guess thats kind of the answer in and of itself.

why is he like this? why is he like this?? what made him this way? we know he grew up orphaned, but why? we knew he turned on gyomei's group and ran, but why? we know he trained to be a demon slayer with zen and kuwajima, but why? why, why, why? we just don't know.

we know he's a survivalist. we know that he's willing to go to any lengths, stoop to any lows, just to make it another day. because another day is another chance you get to get them back, to prove them wrong, to rise above it and laugh in their faces and say "see? see what im capable of? bet you feel sorry now."

shame doesnt exist to him. he will make Anything of himself just to make it by. do anything, drop anyone. no connections, impermanence. its clear in flashbacks that, honestly... nobody liked him very much. and like, well, yeah. obviously. he sucks, and he isnt afraid to show it. but isnt that just so strange? broken box of happiness, disatisfaction. he refuses to forge connections, claiming the only people he tolerates are those who respect him, who see his worth.

and that's... the weird thing about him. see, because, the thing is that... i don't fucking believe him for a second. he talks big game, he can back it up, sure, especially as a demon, but... the entire time he talks, every word he says during his confrontation with zen just felt like a bluff. like he's trying to sound threatening, to sound powerful, making a threat display like an animal. every technique he chooses to execute is some new, big, flashy display of his Power, talking, taunting, still taunting.

its a lot of reading between lines, but... this man is a fucking liar. that fight felt different, it felt quick, and well... maybe because it wasn't a fight. this was some guy taking out his anger on someone in a desperate attempt to prove he's worth something.

i just think that this man is a deeply jealous bastard intent on making himself seem larger than he really is, convincing himself that he's the one that's right and it's everyone else that's wrong simply because he can't process just how awful he is.

growing up barely scraping by on his own, of course he'd become painfully self-reliant. of course he would take advantage of anything he could, anyone he could. you'd have to be that self-centered to survive. talk big, act big, nobody will mess with you. nobody can take advantage of you if you take advantage of them first.

and when he gets shown that kindness, being taken in for the first time... of course he'd take advantage of them too. he's hard-wired with instability in mind, so obviously the clear answer is to take what you can and go before something else happens and they get to you first (even if that was never really a threat.) and if they throw you out for it? it's just proof you were right. you were always right, clearly it isn't your fault. and if you happen to throw them under the bus for it... well, obviously they deserved it. there's no reason to think about it anymore.

being with kuwajima was fine. we don't know anything about the earlier days (which im so sad about) but from the looks of it, he was doing fine. about as fine as he could be, at least. he clearly respected him at first, enjoyed being treated as something special, having his work and talents appreciated-- which he did have! he was a staggeringly impressive slayer, but that's an aside-- and even berated zenitsu for supposedly "disrespecting him" by referring to him as jiichan. which. sighs.

so, zenitsu. dynamics Of Ever. honestly, even without the whole Contention there, kai would've just kinda disliked him because he's... motions with hand. look at him. but its the fact that they were considered together that pissed kaigaku off so much. because that implied that they were on the same level when, to him, they so very clearly were not.

zenitsu was annoying. he was weak, whined too much, cried too much, never put in any effot, he was so, so annoying. which made it that much more insulting that jiichan would continue to try to train him. just leave him behind already! he keeps trying to run away, let him! obviously he just isn't good enough. he's not special like he was. and yet, kuwajima kept trying.

and the fact that he did... probably completely went against everything kaigaku saw in the way the world worked. for lack of a better term, he was very "survival of the fittest" minded in that, if you weren't good, you just weren't good. you'd try and struggle and inevitably die off. the world isn't kind, and will take any chance it has to kick you down. that's why you take what you can, when you can.

if you're weak, nobody helps you. if nobody helps you, you either help yourself or die silently. that was what separated the weak and the strong. and you always, always were either one or the other. again, that's his survivalism talking. so, seeing this person he at the very least Respected waste time on some nobody instead of him, expecting something to come of it... well, it was insulting!

and to think that they were even anywhere close enough to put together? to share the title of successor? with this guy? either it meant that kuwajima thought zenitsu was as good as kai was (to him, a laughable idea,) or that kai wasn't any better than some kid who could barely swing a sword. and that was what irritated him the most.

that was the point of their final confrontation. it was kaigaku proving, once and for all, finally, that he was better than zenitsu. was it purely out of hatred for this kid who looked up to him like a brother? was it out of jealousy of someone who got so many kindnesses granted to him despite, to him, not really deserving it? was it just to prove that he was a powerful demon to those who now had their eyes on him, too? whatever it was, at its core... it was laughing in the faces of those who, honestly, genuinely cared about him (and in his eyes, never truly did.)

he could've ended that fight whenever he wanted to-- its even stated in canon that zen wouldve just lost if he was given more time to grow-- but... he just kept showing off. kept talking. it didnt feel like he was using techniques to fit the combat-- it felt like he was showing off what he could do now. he was proving a point. the only thing that stopped him was what he never acknowledged back when they were training together-- that zenitsu did have worth. that he was growing, too. and using what kaigaku refused to acknowledge in him, zenitsu cut him down-- with a symbol of the respect and comraderie that he hoped to have together. a "sorry, aniki."

kaigaku's appearance in canon is less of the role of a character, but as a statement. hes a walking tragedy. he pushes away everything that makes life What It Is in favor of this image of Strength, which is exactly why he becomes-- at first glance-- a caricature. he stops being a person and starts being a Thing. zen tries to keep him in mind as a Person (despite it all) but when he ultimately gives up hope is when the encounter ends. and when kai's role ends as well.

the only thing i still wonder is... does he regret it? in the very depths of his mind, behind all that mess he puts up, after throwing everything away... did he regret it? twice, he was shown care and kindness, and twice he betrayed them. does he know? does he regret it? does he have the capacity to? or has he simply committed so hard to the role he was given-- to the role he put himself in-- that he simply cannot fathom a world in which he was the problem? could it have been different?

put simply... what the fuck is wrong with him?

. anyway, heres a bunch of posts that remind me of him.

#ask game #pikramble #piktalk #kny spoilers #UM. VERY LONG POST; I DID ACTUALLY END UP TALKING FOR HOURS SKJFNKD #IM. SO SORRY. SLEEPER AGENT ACTIVATED. THANK YOU <3333 #THERES SO MUCH I DIDNT GO INTO TOO LIKE #his weird 'everyone is either above or below me' thing that he switches btwn on a dime #or how he has his sword on his back-- in a technique so focused on quick drawing--#so committed to doing things his way that hell actively hinder himself and how that reflects his whole character #OR OR OR!!! AUHGUHGG #CANT FUCKING STAND HIM. GOD.#so anyway he's one of my 5 rotating favorites. thankyou <333

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