#tell me why moving from one state to another has to mean re-proving your identity and taking a written test to get a driver's license | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cheri-translates · 3 years

Text

[CN] S2 Gavin and MC in Chapter 19 (Part Two)

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers from Season 2 🍒

My focus is on Gavin x MC interactions, so content relating to the plot will be in bullet-points :>

Part One: here

[ Notable Scene: Infiltrating the STF ]

MC: ...but aren’t you relieved from your duties?

Gavin seems to guess the words I haven’t said, and he lets out a soft, unnatural cough.

Gavin: I know every patrolling post in the STF, patrol timings and angles of the surveillance cameras. I can ensure that we’d get in successfully without anyone noticing. However, since I only saw his face from four years ago...

MC: I’ll go with you. As long as I see his face, I can point him out to you.

Gavin has a teasing smile in his eyes, perhaps seeing the urgency written on my face.

Gavin: In that case, let’s go for a walk in STF tonight.

Late at night, Gavin and I infiltrate the STF through an outer wall.

Pale moonlight outlines a misty halo around him, softening his edges.

He finds an open window with ease. Lifting me up, he lets me jump through the window before leaping in himself.

This appears to be a utility room.

MC: Captain Gavin’s really good at this.

Gavin: This is the STF. I won’t bump into anyone even with my eyes closed, much less the walls.

Before Gavin finishes speaking, Tang Chao walks in with a bowl of instant noodles, a wicked smile on his face while he pushes the door open.

Tang Chao: Instant noodles must be eaten on the sly. Otherwise, I might-

When Tang Chao sees Gavin, he pauses in his footsteps.

In this short span of time, we look at each other speechlessly, the only thing left being the steam rising from the instant noodles.

All of a sudden, Tang Chao rolls his eyes, his body doing a 180 degree turn. With the instant noodles in hand, he steps out of the door before closing it.

Gavin: ...

MC: ...didn’t you say you wouldn’t bump into anyone even with your eyes closed?

Moonlight streams in from the window, illuminating the side of his face clearly. I turn my head stiffly, watching as his Adam’s apple bobs slightly.

Gavin: Tang Chao is slacking off.

Tang Chao’s slightly frantic voice can be heard indistinctly.

Tang Chao: Since Captain hasn’t been around, there were changes to the duty roster... Please save me. That was so awkward. Oh no, I don’t want to run laps...

I stare at Gavin quietly. His expression has returned to normal, as though nothing happened.

Gavin: It’s okay, let’s continue.

Gavin listens to the surroundings calmly. After a moment, he pulls me out of the utility room.

Suddenly, a set of uniform footsteps can be heard from behind us.

STF Agent: ...

Even before we can turn, the regular footsteps turn into small, scattered steps, akin to busy bees fleeing in disarray. The surroundings slowly return to silence.

MC: Have we been completely exposed...?

With a soft cough, a reddish hue climbs up the tips of Gavin’s ears.

Gavin: It doesn’t count if we aren’t caught.

Eli (through the speakers): Hey hey hey.

Eli’s voice suddenly drifts from the STF’s broadcast speakers. Gavin carefully pulls me over to hide in a shadowy corner of the corridor.

Eli (through the speakers): ...due to some indescribable reasons, all the surveillance cameras in the STF will take a break for 15 minutes. If a certain colleague wishes to go somewhere or do something, please do so quickly.

Gavin: ...

MC: Pfft.

Seeing Gavin’s slightly speechless expression, I can’t help but laugh aloud.

This person is protected by many people who are unafraid of anything, isn’t he?

After this, we occasionally bump into familiar faces. However, they seem to have made a prior arrangement, and choose to ignore us.

Gavin seems to hesitate on whether he should make an explanation, but it eventually turns into one sigh after another.

In the end, we “very successfully” step into the room with the “Eye in the Sky” system.

Using the system, Gavin retrieves footage from the football match, and MC is able to identify the wheelchair-bound man, Du Wen

Gavin then searches up information on him as well as his approximate whereabouts

The both of them find him in a small alley

He admits that he’s the founder of the Fulcrum Charity Organisation, and has been assisting Gray Rhino in whatever he can

He claims that he means them no harm. To prove this, he allows MC to read his memories

Although they find the circumstances too convenient and deliberate, MC reads his memories because why not

She notices that certain memories have been stored in a misty bubble, just like the “firewall” she installed for Gavin earlier

Still, she searches for memories from the New Years Change Incident

She "sweeps” these memories into her own mind, and confirms that he’s indeed a victim of the incident

Gavin asks how he should contact Du Wen in the future, and the latter says he’d appear during a safe time

Once they leave, MC tells Gavin that they can use the Golden Apple 2 to display the memories she saw

Gavin says that Du Wen’s words aren’t trustworthy, but at least they have some leads that could further guide them to the truth

The next afternoon, MC learns from Kiki that the exhibition hall will be re-opening the next day. So she contacts Gavin and plan to sneak into it that same night

When she arrives, there’s someone else with Gavin - an elderly man with a missing left arm

She finds him familiar

[ Notable Scene: MC meets Captain Yan ]

Gavin: MC, this is the old policeman, Captain Yan. Today, he’s mainly here to cover for us. Captain Yan, this is...

Captain Yan: No need for introductions. You’ve mentioned her many times.

Before I can express my shock, Captain Yan sends me a warm gaze.

Captain Yan: MC, we met once at the hospital. I always hear your name from this young lad, so I’m pretty familiar with you.

Captain Yan smiles teasingly, then gives Gavin a meaningful look.

Captain Yan: If he ever bullies you, remember to tell me. As his senior, I’ll give him a proper scolding.

MC: O-okay! Thanks, Uncle Yan.

Gavin: Cough. We’ll leave the pleasantries for next time. We should go now.

With this, Gavin speeds up and walks forward, a faint red hue climbing up the tips of his ears.

Seeing Captain Yan’s grin, I hurriedly lower my head and follow after him.

MC: Gavin, wait for me!

With Captain Yan keeping watch, MC and Gavin use the Golden Apple 2

In the simulated memories of the New Years Change Incident, Gavin notices post-injection bruises on Du Wen’s hand

Du Wen and those around him don’t seem to know what’s going on, but they’re frightened due to the sounds of gunshots and explosions outside

A handful of Evolvers revolt, but are shot to death by officers dressed in NW uniforms

Du Wen flees, and the both of them follow after him

In the end, they watch as a beam crushes the lower part of Du Wen’s body

At the same time, a drone in the simulation appears to take aim at MC

[ Notable Scene: Gavin’s Protection ]

Gavin: MC!

An urgent exclamation drifts to my ears. Turning to the voice, I see Gavin lunging towards me involuntarily.

Those amber eyes grow large in front of me. In the next second, I’m enveloped in Gavin’s arms.

My cheek is pressed tightly to his chest, and powerful heartbeats echo at my ear.

His heart is beating very quickly - so quickly that my heart subconsciously matches its frequency.

“Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.”

It’s as though these powerful heartbeats are the only things left in the entire world.

In every difficult or dangerous situation, I’m always able to hear this sound.

It’s as though they have melded into my bloodstream, becoming a kind of instinct.

Gavin: It’s fine, there's no need to leave the system.

Gavin’s hand is by his ear. After stating his judgement calmly, he looks at me.

Gavin: Are you okay?

MC: Gavin, this is fake.

Gavin: Mm. But my body seems to have reacted a little faster than my brain.

His amber eyes reflect the blood-coloured sky, filled with worry and fret that he hasn’t had the time to shed off.

Gavin: Whether it’s real or an illusion, I don’t want you to get hurt in front of me.

MC: But they would simply pass through my body.

Gavin: Not even if they pass through.

He speaks unyieldingly.

MC: Okay, whatever you say.

Gavin: Let’s get out of here.

They continue looking at the chaos and hear the sounds of crying and screaming

Gavin appears composed, but the fingertips holding onto MC are quivering, as though he's barely suppressing his anger at the injustice before him

The scene shifts, and what appears before them is a NW laboratory

Du Wen has thick tubes stuck all over him, and he’s submerged in a gigantic apparatus

MC traces that the memory is from 2 months prior to the New Years Change Incident

A senior official from NW walks in, and he seems to be in charge of a secret experiment

[ Notable Scene: Gavin and MC’s Future Father-in-law]

His eyes are steadfast and icy, as though nothing can sway him.

And nothing can destroy or obstruct him.

Gavin stands rooted to the spot. He watches as the man draws closer and closer to himself-

And walks straight through him.

Gavin has already matured into someone whose height is on par with his. They have incredibly similar features, and they even share an identical straight and powerful gait.

However, Gavin doesn’t turn around. His entire body remains stiff until the world gradually gathers into a patch of darkness.

He doesn’t move. The faint white light causes him to look pale.

Slowly, he lowers his head, covering his eyes.

I stand behind him, not saying a word.

That senior official is Gavin’s father.

Once they’re out of the Golden Apple 2, Captain Yan notices how solemn Gavin looks

Gavin takes Captain Yan and MC to a simple apartment to talk

Gavin fills Captain Yan in on what they saw

Captain Yan and Gavin start discussing what happened, and MC heads over to the window to look at the view despite the best view being Gavin

Gavin brings up the laboratory, and Captain Yan asks if he saw “that person”. Gavin grits his teeth and says, “I saw him.”

[ Notable Scene: The End of Chapter 19 ]

Gavin: MC, I’ll send you home.

By the time Gavin comes up from behind me, Captain Yan has already left.

I notice Gavin’s tense lower jaw. He seems to be doing his best to appear natural in front of me.

To appear as though he doesn’t care.

Seeing this person before me, I feel my heart being clenched tight.

MC: Gavin, I want to go somewhere before heading home. Could you accompany me?

When we leap over the walls of Loveland High, confusion flashes across his eyes.

The gentle evening breeze brushes his fringe, and his figure is immersed in patches of moonlight.

It’s been a very long time since I last returned to this place. But images from this place always surface in my mind.

The field, the stairs, the roof, the gymnasium late at night, and the infirmary.

During that period of time I had re-lived, I wanted nothing more than for time to move a little faster.

So that I’d be able to reach that day when I could walk over to him a little sooner.

However, this year, I’m reluctant to let time pass by as quickly.

During the time in which the wind blew by, that young man filled all my memories related to youth.

That’s how reluctant I am.

That’s why I’ve been walking slowly on purpose. Even so, in just the blink of an eye, he disappeared in the breeze of youth.

Pulling on Gavin’s hand, we walk along the field, and walk into the depths of the forest behind the school.

MC: Gavin, I think you’re angry.

I turn my head to the side to look at him. Gavin simply furrows his brows slightly, and it’s clear that he feels a little uneasy.

MC: You don’t need to pretend that nothing’s bothering you in front of me. Anger isn’t something you should feel ashamed of.

Gavin: I...

He opens his mouth, but something sews it up again.

A fierce wind suddenly rises, causing countless fallen leaves to swirl in the air.

They are reminiscent of incessant, agonised screams.

Gavin: I... just can’t understand. There are clearly many other methods. There are many other choices.

His words are blended into the wind, suppressed and pained.

I don’t turn my head to look at his expression. I simply stand beside him quietly, our fingers interlaced together, standing in the middle of the fierce gale.

With the flow of time, the fierce gale becomes calmer. In the end, it morphs into a gentle breeze, brushing our fringes.

Gavin: MC, thank you.

I shake my head, turning my head towards him.

MC: Gavin, do you know something? The reason why I brought you back here was to tell you that I hope your beautiful memories won't simply be confined to high school. Beautiful things should continue, and never end.

While saying this solemnly, my heart speeds up uncontrollably.

Gavin’s pupils quiver slightly, and he squeezes my hands tightly.

Gavin: Thank you.

Very softly, he repeats these words.

MC: Let’s walk around a little more before heading home.

I chuckle happily, my footsteps becoming incomparably lighter.

All of a sudden, my palm feels empty -

It’s as though Gavin released my hand.

Feeling puzzled, I turn around to find that Gavin had simply shifted his hand behind his back.

MC: What’s wrong?

Gavin: ...nothing.

When the girl’s confusion is dispelled and she continues walking forward, Gavin lowers his head to look at his vanished right arm, his expression composed.

As compared to his right hand disappearing the last time, the scope seems to have grown larger this time.

Gavin follows behind the girl calmly, contemplating quietly.

His time might be shorter than he imagined.

Gavin chuckles softly, the corners of his lips hooking upwards slowly.

Gavin: MC.

I pause in my footsteps and turn around, realising that we’re several footsteps apart.

MC: Gavin, what’s wrong?

Gavin: I just received news from Captain Yan. I might have to leave for a while.

MC: So suddenly?

Gavin: Sorry. After sending you home, I’ll set out.

He looks at me apologetically, as though suppressing something once again.

After returning home, I quickly remove my shoes and rush to the window to search for that figure.

Guessing that I’d do this, Gavin doesn’t leave immediately. He stands downstairs, waiting for me.

A gust of wind burrows in through the window, as though carrying with it slight reluctance as it makes gentle twirls around me again and again.

I lean my palm against the glass, wanting to say another farewell to him.

MC: Gavin, you must return safely.

💙 Calls and Moments: here

💙 Support the café by dropping by the tip jar!

#mlqc #mlqc cn #mlqc spoilers #mlqc gavin

64 notes · View notes

itsclydebitches · 3 years

Note

Hi! I was just watching good omens and I came up with some questions, but I didn't know whom to ask, so I was digging around for go analysis blogs and found you. *takes a breath* So, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on why Heaven's camera angles are the way they are. I noticed that, in heaven, the camera tends to focus on the characters' heads specifically, so they fill most of the screen. Either it's a meta reason or a reference to something (like Newt with the Office) that I'm not getting. That's the main thing, but I've also wondered why exactly Aziraphale uses the verb "fraternize" in the 19th century. It seemed an odd pivot from caring about Crowley's safety to Heaven's rules. Thanks so much!

Hello! Omg yes, let's talk Good Omens cinematography.

First, the obligatory Analysis Disclaimer: I doubt there's a specific interpretation that you're just not getting, some singular, "correct" reading of the scene(s). Two years past release, I'm positive the fandom as a whole has come up with plenty of ideas (I mostly hang on the periphery. I'm far from up to date with GO meta), but any and all of it will, by nature, be subjective. Thus, all I can offer is my own, personal interpretation.

So for me? It's about intimacy.

Not intimacy in the sense of friendship, but rather the broad idea of closeness. Confidentiality. Emotion. Knowledge. Understanding by means of literally getting into the thick of these conversations. I love the camerawork in Heaven (and elsewhere) because the camera itself acts like a person — an additional party to these interactions. And, since we're the ones watching this show via the camera, it makes it feel as if we're peeking into scenes that are otherwise private. Obviously all cinematography does this to a certain extent, the camera is always watching someone or something without acknowledging that we're doing the watching (outside of documentary-esque filmmaking), but GO uses angles and closeups to mimic another person observing these scenes, someone other than the characters involved.

The easiest example I can give here is when Michael makes their call to Ligur. Here, the camera is positioned up on the next landing of the staircase, as if we're sneaking a look down at this otherwise secret call. There's even a moment when the camera pans to the right to look at them through the gap in the railing, briefly obscuring Michael from our view.

Here, a standard expectation of any scene — keep your character in focus — is done away with to instead mimic the movements of someone actually hiding in the stairwell, listening in on the conversation. It creates that feeling of intimacy, as if we're really there with Michael, not just watching Michael through a screen. The camerawork acts like a person overhearing an illicit conversation prior to falling back on mid/closeup shots. We're spying on them.

To give a non-Heaven example, the camera helps us connect with Aziraphale during Gabriel's jogging scene. It's hard to show through screenshots, but if you re-watch you'll see that the camera initially keeps them both in the frame with full body shots, allowing us to compare things like Gabriel's unadorned gray workout clothes with Aziraphale's more stylish outfit; one's good jogging form and the other's awkward shuffle. However, this distance also creates the sense that we're jogging with them, we're keeping pace.

That is, until Aziraphale begins to lag. Then the camera lags too, giving them both the chance to catch up, so to speak.

Until, finally, Aziraphale has to stop completely and the camera, of course, stops with him. We're emotionally attuned to Aziraphale, not Gabriel, and the camerawork reflects that. Even more-so when we cut to a low shot of Gabriel's annoyed huff at having to stop at all, making him appear larger and more imposing. Because to Aziraphale, he is.

This work carries over into Heaven's other scenes. The closeups are pretty much a given since, whether it's Gabriel realizing Aziraphale has been "fraternizing" with Crowley (more on that below!), or Aziraphale choosing to go back to Earth, the scenes in Heaven are incredibly important to the narrative. Closeups allow the viewer to get a good read on each character's emotional state — focusing on minute facial changes as opposed to overall body language — and that fly-on-the-wall feeling is increased as we literally get an up close and personal look at these pivotal moments.

Compare a shot like this one of Gabriel to the line of angels ready for battle. We don't get closeups on any of their faces because their emotions aren't important. Yes, that's in part because they're background characters, not main characters, but a lack of emotion — their willingness to enter this war without question — is also the point of their presence in this scene. So they remain a semi-identical, nearly faceless mass that runs off into infinity down that hallway, not any individual whose inner life we get a peek at via a closeup.

I particularly like Aziraphale's conversation with the angel... general? Idk what to call this guy. He's just gonna be Mustache Angel. But, getting back on track, his scene has a lot of over the shoulder shots which, admittedly, are pretty common. From a practical perspective they're used to help the audience situate both characters in the scene — you're here, you're there, this is how you're spaced during this conversation — but it can also help emphasize that closeness between them. Keeping both characters in the shot connects them and though Aziraphale and Mustache Angel definitely aren't on the same page here, those shots help cue us in to the unwanted intimacy of this moment. They're both angels... even though Aziraphale no longer aligns himself with them. They're both soldiers in a war... but Aziraphale will not fight. This angel has a list of Aziraphale's secrets, including that he once had a flaming sword and lost it... but Aziraphale doesn't want to admit those circumstances to him. This angel wouldn't understand, even if he did. Intimacy here, connection and closeness, is something discomforting because Aziraphale can no longer embrace those similarities. They put him (and us) out of sorts, so when we get them both in frame, that connection creates tension, not relief.

And many of those over the shoulder shots are given sharp angels, or the camera is placed too close to the "off screen" party. Compare a shot like Luke and Rey to Aziraphale and Mustache Angel. Here, Luke is a clean, solid line on the left side of the screen, just enough there to cue us in to where he is in relationship to Ray, In contrast, Mustache Angel's mustache is Too Close and proves rather distracting. Rey and Luke are connecting here over being Jedi with responsibilities to uphold (or at least, Luke will acknowledge that connection later lol); Mustache Angel is forcing a connection with Aziraphale that makes everyone uncomfortable.

We are too close to him here. He feels too close to Aziraphale too. This whole conversation is upsetting and discomforting, pushing Aziraphale to finally choose which side he's on (his own with Crowley). The shots aren't meant to subtly keep the audience from getting lost and then otherwise be unobtrusive, we're supposed to be Very Aware of this angel's body and how close he's getting to the character we've come to identify with — both literally (he's leaning in) and in terms of forcing Aziraphale to finally make his choice.

When Mustache Angel marches forward and gets all up in Aziraphale's face, the camera positions itself behind Aziraphale in a way that makes it feel like we're hiding behind him, with Aziraphale taking up far more of the screen than Luke does. Like the scene with Michael or running with Gabriel, the camera often likes to mimic a "realistic" response to these events. This angry, shouty angel is getting closer, best take a step back and stay out of sight behind Aziraphale, holding his ground.

These closeups also serve as a nice contrast to the wide and longshots we get of Heaven. It's an imposing place with skyscrapers in the distance, lots of steel, immaculate floors, and endless white. It's overwhelming and it's cold. But then we cut to those mid-shots of Gabriel and Michael, telling us that they're in control of it all.

Aziraphale? Aziraphale is not in control. Not now, anyway. When he appears in Heaven we get a longshot to show off this endless void and he's just another, tiny speck in it. If he weren't flailing around — an acting move that likewise helps sell how out of his depth he is — it's unlikely you'd even notice him. Aziraphale's clothing and hair blends in perfectly with the background. He's forgettable. Easily overlooked. Someone to underestimate. And when he moves, he has to come to the camera. We don't cut to Aziraphale to establish control like we do with Gabriel. He's left to awkwardly shuffle up to Mustache Angel until he's finally come into view.

Yet when Aziraphale makes his decision, he aligns himself with the brightest, most colorful, most interesting thing in the room: Earth. Earth, with all its messy individuality, is the antithesis to Heaven's controlled uniformity and a bright blue orb hanging in the midst of all this white helps remind us of that. Aziraphale rejects becoming one of the identical soldiers and instead literally reaches out for the one thing in Heaven that doesn't fit in.

When he leaves, we get an extreme closeup for the first time. Mustache Angel is pissed and as such we not only get a good look at his face in the aftermath of Aziraphale's choice, but that extreme closeup on his mouth as he's shouting too. It's like he's shouting directly at us, the viewer who is currently cheering on Aziraphale's decision. There's a war, dammit... but we don't care. Not in the way he cares, anyway.

So there's a lot! And I could probably go on, but apparently I'm only allowed to add 10 images per post now (tumblr what the actual fuck if anyone knows a way around this please share!) and I've already had to merge a bunch of images like an animal. So let's awkwardly finish up with the duck pond scene.

...without a GIF because they apparently count as images too 🙃

Simply put, I don't think Aziraphale bringing up fraternizing is a pivot from one to the other — from caring about Crowley to caring about Heaven's rules. I mean yes, Aziraphale is lagging behind Crowley in terms of rebellion and a part of him is, at this point, absolutely concerned with how he'll come across to the higherups, but that worry doesn't stem solely from a (now very shaky) desire to obey for the sake of obeying. The thing is, Aziraphale's disobedience is, by default, also Crowley's disobedience. If they're friends and they're ever found out, they'll both get in trouble. Which, we know from the end of Season One, basically means being wiped from existence. That's horrifying! And it's a horror that threatens them both. I don't think Aziraphale cares about rules for the sake of rules; after all, he started off by giving away his sword, lying to God, is currently meeting with Crowley anyway... this angel has always ignored/bent the rules — established and implied — that don't suit him. Rather, he cares about the rules if he thinks they have a chance of being enforced. If there will be consequences for breaking and bending them. This is still about caring for Crowley (as well as saving his own, angelic skin). If they're found out, Crowley dies. And, as we the viewer learn, Heaven was indeed observing them that whole time. There was always legitimate risk attached to this relationship. Aziraphale's fear, hesitance, and at times forceful pleas to stop this stem as much from Aziraphale worrying about Crowley's safety as they do a learned instinct to obey the rules without question. He pushes to end the relationship because the relationship threatens the only thing Aziraphale cares about more than that: Crowley himself.

As for the term "fraternizing," that's a loaded one! I won't go into a whole history lesson here, but suffice to say it has military roots: to sympathize as brothers with an opponent. That is literally what Crowley and Aziraphale are doing. They are an angel and a demon, supposedly innate enemies, supposedly poised for an inevitable war... yet they've formed an incredibly strong kinship. They've both learned to love their enemy, the thing every army fears because, well, then your army won't fight (just as Aziraphale won't). However, beyond the enemy implications, "to fraternize" eventually took on a sexual meaning: to not merely love as a brother, but to lay with the enemy too, usually women from enemy countries (because, you know, heteronormativity). Nowadays, "to fraternize" often implies a sexual component. I've been rewatching The Good Wife lately and in one subplot, the State's Attorney cracks down on fraternization in his office. He doesn't mean his employees are forming bonds with assumed enemies, he means his employees are having sex on his office couch. So Aziraphale's phrasing here carries a LOT of weight. He's both reminding Crowley of their stations in the world — you are a demon, I am an angel, us meeting like this can have formal, irrevocable consequences for us both — as well as, given the fact that this is a love story, drawing attention to the depth of this relationship. They love one another, as more than just friends. Though whether Crowley's scathing "Fraternizing?" is a response to Aziraphale falling back on the technicalities of their positions, or acknowledging a love he's yet to overtly admit and commit to — or both! — is definitely up for debate.

#Good Omens #Ineffable Husbands #Air Conditioning #mymetas #whew #long post!#with too few images imo #with this done I'm gonna steam #about tumblr's absurd limitations #how's a girl supposed to do meta on this website anyway

85 notes · View notes

guigz1-coldwar · 3 years

Text

Let me fly away !

After the battle of Solovetsky, Bell returned back with the team to West-Berlin after stopping Greenlight from be detonated by Perseus's hands but there were something that was preoccupying her : she was feeling empty.....too empty.

Warning : angst Words : 8110

-------------------

Is there any good feelings inside Bell to really feel happy right now ?

After all she's been through the past few weeks, she didn't know how to feel right. She learned that the life she used to have was a lie created by the CIA, that her identity was stolen by the man she used to call her old friend : Russell Adler. Everything were fake around her......everything except the love she has for Park, it was the only real thing Bell was happy about and that feeling was reciprocal for Park. The two is loving each other for real but Bell.....how's Bell feeling right now ? She's feeling empty !

Bell told the truth : Perseus was hiding at Solovetsky, ready to detonate the Greenlight arsenal. She told it because it was her only choice to do and because she couldn't see herself back as a monster by siding again with Perseus. Never again, she thought to herself each time she was thinking about the fact that she was a Perseus agent. She told the truth because she wanted to redeem herself, to make peace for herself but how she's feeling right now ? She's feeling empty !

During the battle of Solovetsky, Bell wondered what will happens if she die during that fight. Maybe she will no longer live with a past she doesn't want to know anymore, maybe she doesn't want to live a life that she wouldn't want and probably shouldn't deserve it. Regardless, she survived the fight to live another day, having destroyed Perseus's dream. After the battle, the team found Perseus himself among the ruins of the monastery and Bell was the one to finish him herself. He was dead but Bell.....was feeling empty !

Adler brought her alone in a isolated cliff to talk to her. At first, she thought that he brought her to dispose of her because she considered herself as 'a loose end' but that wasn't the case at all. In fact, he just wanted to talk to her and congratulate her about the missions they have done together. Her courage and the sacrifices she has made proved to him that Bell needed to live. They talked and then they leaved that cliff, safe & alive, and left Solovetsky with the team.

Bell was feeling empty !

That was the only thing that Bell could think : she was too empty with only love in her but that wasn't enough to give her reconfort in her situation. Everything she has done was like gone in one moment and she thought that she could have it back after Solovetsky but no, she will never had it back. The only way was to look forwards with a question in mind : What's now ?

What now ?

Now, the team were back in West-Berlin at the E9 Safehouse "Die Landebahn" with Bell. They were finally able to have a little drink after they succeeded to save Europe from Perseus and kill him for good. Everyone was happy, relieved and so exhausted by the fight they have been doing for weeks and now it was time to breath freely without thinking about the next move. However, Bell, even if she was sharing that happiness couldn't really show it and she wasn't going to do it. She wanted to be alone for the moment, she decided to stay outside the safehouse during the night of celebration, sitting on a chair and looking away.

She was wearing her black jacket because it was cold outside, her eyes were looking far away in the horizon as she was holding a beer bottle in her left hand, spinning it slowly. She just wanted to think about her own future right now.....a future that shouldn't happened according to her. As she was lonely, she heard some footsteps coming towards her. When she look to see who was coming, she was surprised to see Park.

"Park ?" She said, surprised to see her

"You're okay, Bell ?" Park asked, worried. She didn't see Bell since the beginning of the night.

"I think I'm okay." Bell slowly faint a smile, still spinning her empty bottle with her hand, representing ther current state "In fact, I'm not sure." Her smile faded away as she looked back at the horizon

"There's something wrong ?" Park sat just on the other chair that was just next to Bell, she sat without moving her eyes from Bell

"Of course...." Bell whispered with a difficult tone "There's still wrong in me."

"Don't say that, we talked about this. You're one of us !" Park exclaimed, trying to reconfort her but that wasn't working. Bell was still feeling bad inside of her, there are things that she could never forget herself.

"That is what I want to think." Bell stopped spinning her bottle and put it on the ground, it's something she wanted to think but it was impossible.

"You know, I called the MI6." Park started, causing Bell to look at her with narrowed eyes, listening "They're willing to let you join our ranks.....to work with me."

"They want a Perseus agent to work with the MI6?" Bell rolled her eyes, stunned by the proposal

"Bell...." Park scoffed, fainting an annoyance that Bell still think that she's still a Perseus agent. Park's gaze on her caused Bell to change her words,

"Okay, EX-Perseus agent...."

"They want you because they believe in you." Park reassured her "They just need to know what's your response."

"I don't know, I'll give you a answer tomorrow." Bell wasn't so sure if she was really going to give her opinion about it, she was lost and Park could start to see that on her face before she decided to look back at the horizon. She was wondering about what she will do during the night : stay there looking away or return inside to go to sleep ? There were more questions than just that......questions she was trying to ask herself to fill up the void inside of her.

Bell leaned well back inside her seat, she crossed her arms and sniffed a little, this time looking at the sky, she was wondering....

"Park...." She cut herself, amazed by the dark sky and the numerous stars in it "Why are you loving me ?"

"Bell....uhm...I...." Park was surprised, given by the wide eyes she has done

"Just tell me, okay ?" Bell wanted to know : why someone like her was loved ? And why that love is still there even after what happened ? She loves Park but she couldn't know about how she should feel about that. "I need to know." She added, never staring away from the sky. Park was concentrating herself

"It all started back when.....well....after the two first interrogations I made with you." Park was finding her words.....and trying also to remember everything right : she was telling the truth ! "After that, I started to realize that me & the CIA were doing was wrong."

"I was an enemy at that time, nothing was wrong." Bell exclaimed, sure of herself

"I still hear your pleads for help and your cries each day !" Park said in a sad tone, her hands were trembling a little. "You were just like me at a time of my life....I saw myself in you."

"You loved me because you see yourself in me ?" Bell repeated

"I know, it sounds maybe stupid for you but I couldn't resist to love you." Park scratched the back of her head, embarrased to tell the truth. "And your beauty, your glasses and the fact that you were still with me during all this times.....reinforce the feeling I had on you......I'm sorry !" She was going to stand up and leave Bell alone, ashamed because she thought that what we said was heard like lies for Bell but before she could do that, her right hand found itself wrapped around Bell's left hand, she grabbed it because after all, that wasn't lies.

"No....stay !" Bell said in a moved voice, not wanting Park to left because she was always telling the truth to her....always. "Don't be....sorry for that." Both have their eyes on each other, Park was feeling now more peaceful with herself now that Bell, by her gesture, showed that she was in love with her.

Reassured, Park leaned back like Bell in her seat, their hands still firmly together as she decided to watch the skies with her too. All of the stars in the skies were making that moment beautiful to watch, to be a spectator. Bell, on her face, was giving the real first smile in the past few days she ever had but that smile....it wasn't because Park was at her side, it wasn't because Perseus was no more but because she was thinking about the future she wanted to live. She was happy for the moment.....her eyes reflecting the stars especially the Great Bear constellation.

She wanted this moment to be forever : just her and Park admiring the sky, alone and no longer thinking of their current situations. A way to evade herself from all of this. They weren't talking at all, just the silence was accompanying them. Their smiles were so charming that they couldn't be able to re-do them again. The two were in their thoughts and after a few minutes, Bell decided to speak again.

"You know." She started "It could be so easy for people like us to get lost in there." She was sounding moved by what she said

"Yes, it will be....so easy." Park replied with her smile

"Thinking just about the future we can have together." Bell sniffed, holding back tears

"I would like that too, Bell." Park just wanted to stay with her, Bell was too beautiful to leave. "I will love too."

"But now, we're in a life too hard to leave." Bell suddenly realized that these dreams can't be achieved, making her empty again and her smile to disappear again "We either were forced to or by our own will to live that life."

"Bell, I'm sorry." Park realized the full meanings of her words, Bell didn't choose that life and now she was trapped in it because of her. She will have to live with that but at least, Bell is at her side and she forgived her.

"That's okay." Bell reassured her "I was in that life....maybe forced by Perseus or by my own will. It's not your fault. It's his....or mine."

"Bell...." Park whispered but she wasn't heard by Bell

"We should stop talking about this." Bell finally exclaimed, she wanted to stop thinking about this now. "It's for the better of us !" She then released her hand from Park, taking back her empty bottle on the ground and start spinning it slowly again "You should go sleep, Park." She looked at Park who just yawned

"Yeah, you're right." Park said as she start to get up from her seat and give her hand to Bell "You want some help ?" She teased, looking at Bell with a lovely smile

"No, I would like to stay here for the moment, I need to think." Bell declined, she wanted to be alone now

"You've been thinking the whole day." Park scoffed but then she resigned herself, seeing that Bell wasn't going to get up from her seat, she would have like to make her go up and then go to her room but what Bell wanted was just some peace. So before leaving, she leaned to get in front of Bell and she decide to give her a little kiss on the lips, putting delicately her left hand on her cheek. Both of their lips were so cold due to the outside but it was nice. The kiss lasted a few seconds before Park withdrawed from it. "Remember that my room door is still open for you." She teased her again,, giving Bell a little smile and a few tears that she cleaned quickly with her hand, still on her cheek.

Then, it was time for Park to return back inside the safehouse to get some rest. Before entering, she gave a look to Bell who restarted to look at the horizon peacefully, spinning her empty bottle around with her hand, she wondered about Bell was thinking right now but she couldn't stay here forever with that question in mind. After a few instants, Park left Bell alone outside as she wanted, to go to her room to get some sleep. Even if the team didn't worked at all this day, it was a very long day to face with all the celebration and the calls to make.

The safehouse was empty : everyone must have gone back to their own rooms to rest. Before returning to her room, Park go to her desk when she put her jacket on her chair and then, she left her desk to go to her room, wondering if Bell was going to follow her but no, Bell was still outside in this cold night. After walking a bit, she entered her room without forgetting to not close it entirely as she promised Bell a few moments ago, she was always saying the truth !

She started to undress her clothes, removing just her pants and boots and leaving only her shirt on. Park wasn't a big fan of pajamas and sleeping with it was, for her, making her ridiculous. Only a shirt and her underwears was perfect to sleep with and since she promised Bell that she will let her door open, that little outfit was perfect in case some 'action' for some relief was happening during that night as Park dreamed off. She wanted to take her relation with Bell to a new level but she knows that it will take time for Bell to readjust to the recent events that occured to her but anyway, in case if Bell wanted anyway, that door would stayed open for her.

She get on the side of the bed like if she was waiting for Bell to open that very door but nothing happens for the first two minutes, Bell was maybe thinking of stay alone tonight as Park started to think but after that 2 minutes, Park decided to lay down on her bed, realizing that Bell will come later or not. She didn't wanted to cry because she will understand Bell's reaction in any case but she was still hoping to see her coming. Unfortunately, the sleep gained Park as she started to sleep very quickly, tired of that day.

During her sleep, Park was not feeling okay at all : she was fearing about losing Bell either by her fault of having helped the CIA to brainwash her and help Adler to fuck up her mind or by losing her, dying in her arms because she wasn't able to protect her at all. Park never wanted the brainwashing but she was alone against Adler and the WHOLE CIA, she was just an MI6 agent facing the CIA and she had no choices but to do it anyway, that's why she was so willing to help Bell getting along with her new life. Now, she was having troubles to sleep with that in mind combined with the drinks and the long day she had.

It was a terrible night for Park to sleep : with everything like that inside of her, she couldn't sleep well at all, along with sounds she was able to hear in her head including someone crying. When she opened her eyes with difficulties, she realized that Bell didn't join her and she understand that from her : she just wanted to be alone for this night. As she started to get up from her bed and sit on the side of it, she saw something ressembling a little note on her nightstand. It was curiis because that note wasn't there when she start to sleep. She pick it up and start to unfold it :

I'm sorry !

It was an unsigned note but Park realize that only Bell could have left that there : she did in fact come in here but just for giving Park this, giving her more questions : why Bell is feeling sorry ? At this moment, Park knew there were something off and that did escalate when seconds later, loud knocks on her door could be heard. Someone was saying her name and according to the voice, it was Adler sounding worried like if something bad happens.

"I'm coming !" Park exclaimed, quickly grabbing her clothes on the ground and started to dress up, forgetting to check up her hair and then after she was ready, she go to the door and opened it : it was indeed Adler. "Is there a problem, Adler ?" She asked as she redressed her shirt

"Yeah, we've got a big problem." He stopped himself and then took a deep breath

"Bell has left !"

Three words from Adler was enough to make Park realize that the note coming from Bell telling she was sorry was because she left.....Bell didn't join her because she didn't wanted to but because she wanted to leave. At hearing that, Park was shocked in every bones, she couldn't believe it and her incomprehension could be seen on her face.

"What ?" She could simply said in shock

"We checked her room and the surroundings of the safehouse, she's not here." He was also sounding worried, same as her.

"No,no,no,no...." She tired to regain consciouness, fearing that it was just a nightmare but that wasn't the case : it was the reality. "She will never do that."

"I know, I can't believe it too." Adler said, looking in the hallway "Follow me, we'll join the others." He then gestured her to follow him before starting to walk away. Park could only comply to his orders and followed him in a second. They arrived in front of the Bell's room where the door was wide open and Park decided to quickly give a look inside : everything was cleaned up and there were nothing else, like if this room was never used before, she left.....she really did.

After checking in, the two continue their walk to the main room when Park could discover that everyone was here.....except Bell. Woods & Mason were near the garage door, discussing with Sims, wondering about why Bell would leave everyone like that because in fact, Frank & Alex didn't know the true identity of her. Both thought that Bell had a long history with Perseus in her past and that's why she had joined Adler's team but they didn't know that Bell was in fact an Perseus agent herself, all hidden by Adler.

Hudson was in a corner of the main room, discussing with his superior, Black, on his satellite phone. He was giving the news of Bell's escape to him and that wasn't going to make those above happy about it as Bell was considered as a 'gold mine' in terms of intels about Perseus's followers and remaining operations but with her now on the loose, there were no leads for the future.

"What do you mean that 'the asset got away' ?" It was Black sounding pissed off at hearing the news

'She's not here, you understand ?" Hudson tried to explain, holding back his anger about the situation "She left nothing to us and now, she's at large."

"Damn it, Hudson, you had just a job to realize : to watch her closely to make sure she will not do anything stupid !" Black was not going to let her on the loose like that. If she had infos on Perseus, she has to be found "You know that we're losing our valuable asset here ?"

"I know that." Hudson exclaimed, understanding the meaning of Black's words. "I'm gonna be sure to find our...." He then cut himself when he looked back and saw Adler arrive with Park. He needed to change his words. "To find her very quick."

"That's an order, Hudson." Black affirmed "The president is gonna be pissed when I will make him learned of the situation."

"I'm going to mobilize the team to track her down." Hudson sniffed, closing his eyes in the process, he was going to hang out. "I'll tell them the details." He then hanged out his satellite phone and put in on Sims desk that was just next to him. He was kinda relieved after telling the news, fearing his boss reaction but now, his task was more important : find Bell at any costs !

He then decided to join Adler and Park who was still waiting for him to hang out his phone and explain to them what's the next things to do right now. Woods, Mason & Sims stayed back, preferring to wait for the moment. When Hudson arrived near Park and Adler, he put his hands on his waist, looking at the ground.

"I think you heard me well talking to Black." He started, sounding desesperated "Everyone will be on trying to find Bell, orders from the top."

"Are we knowing why she did this ?" Park asked, worried

"No, we don't know." Adler replied to her, he was in the same situation as her.

"Maybe she wanted to return to the Perseus remaining forces, maybe she just wanted to flee us.....What can I fucking say about this ?" Hudson was sounding like angry in his voice, overtaken by the events. "All of her desk is empty, she cleaned it up and put her work on your desk." He looked at Park

"My desk ?" Park then put her gaze on her desk and Bell's one. The latter's desk was like Hudson said, empty with nothing on it, all cleaned just like her room....like if Bell wanted to put the impression that she didn't even exist at all and when she looked at her own desk, Park could see that there were more things on it : everything that was on Bell desk was on hers now. "Why ?"

"I don't know." Hudson added before looking at Adler "Let's have a talk, we need to plan our moves on Bell." He then ordered Adler to follow him, leaving Park alone. She didn't know what to do right now : she was feeling so lost now without Bell at her side like if the safehouse lost someone too precious, everyone was still mourning Lazar's death but Bell's disappearance was making it much worse. So lonely in that world, Park couldn't think right.

She decided to go to her desk when she wanted to check everything Bell has gave her with some difficulties. She was remembering all the things she had with Bell, the promises they both said to each other, their forbidden kisses in isolated places, the times they slept with each other.....all of this as she was looking at everything on her desk but now, she lost the only person she put her trust on.

It was better for her to hold back her tears each time she was looking at a file written by Bell but as she was going to finish, she found something strange in Bell's belongings....something that wasn't her : a video tape with a message on it.

For everyone.

Bell's handwriting.....Park realized that Bell indeed left something for them : a video. She must have been using the camera that was in the Dark Room. With the video tape in hand, Park wanted to watch it and since it was for everyone, they all need to watch it. She decide to go join Woods, Mason & Sims.

"Sims, are there a TV here with a videocassette recorder ?" She started to ask to Sims, holding the video tape in hand

"Uhm....I think yes." Sims was quite surprised to hear that but when he saw the tape in her hand, he understand "What's this ?" He asked

"Video tape.....I found it in Bell's things." She replied as she looked at it "It's something for all of you." Sims, realizing that this tape was from Bell decided to comply.

"I'll go take the TV and brought it where we could all watch it." He then walked away to search for the concerned TV around the safehouse, letting Park alone with Woods & Mason, the two still wondering of Bell

"Fuck, I can't think that Bell is not around here." Mason said, concerned

"Yeah, me too." Woods added "That fucker Perseus must have done a lot of harm to her in the past to make her do that."

"Even if that guy is dead, she think that it's probably not over." Mason didn't know at all Bell's true identity. In fact, Adler kept it secret with Park and Hudson that Bell was alike with Mason in the past. Adler wanted to not let Mason and/or Woods getting friendly affection with Bell, asked by Hudson himself. But in fact, that didn't worked at all : Bell, Woods & Mason for the few times they were together formed a friendly bond and the two mens were amazed by the young woman skills.

"She's been tracking that douchebag for years and now, she didn't feel to be happy." Woods said, looking at outside, his arms crossed as he was leaned against the garage door frame "I hope that she didn't do anything wrong." Park was ashamed by herself to have lied about Bell's records to the two and that situation needed to end right now, she was giving herself too much pain because of that.....this need to stop !

"Something's wrong, Park ?" Mason asked, seeing her face decomposing herself further the conversation.

"There.....are things that I need to tell you both and it's important." It was so hard for her to tell but they needed to know "It's about Bell."

"Wrong or good ?" Woods asked, curious, getting away from the door frame to face Park

"Wrong." Park replied as she look at her feets in shame "Bell isn't.....well, she's not the one you always think to be."

"What the fuck are you talking about ?" Woods faced her more closer. He didn't wanted to scare her, that wasn't his goal at all. He just wanted to know what was the problem with his young friend. "What's wrong with Bell ?"

"Well....." She started before taking a deep breath "Bell is-" She didn't even have time to start that the three of them could hear Sims coming with the TV, posed on stand on casters from the Dark Room. The loud noises of the stand cut her out in her explanation as Sims called them out,

"Got the TV and..." He exclaimed while making sure that the TV cables were well put in place "Ready to watch !" He said after he finished his things. He then give signs to the three to join him as he start to pull out some seats for them to watch.

They joined him and sit as he start to call out Adler and Hudson to come with them. The two didn't understand at first what was all of this happening but Park explained them the truth saying that she found a video tape from Bell's personals effects adressed to everyone. The two realized that this was something important since Bell didn't have this on her desk the night before everyone goes to bed and agreed to watch. Park handed the video tape to Sims, still up, that he inserted into the videocasette recorder.

Park was dreading this moment in every part of her body, giving her only chills and fear and when the picture on the TV started to render, she was scared and was trying to hold back tears from this difficult moment. What Bell was going to say ? Why did she left ? All of theses questions were in Park's mind and she wanted all the answers.

On the TV, the team could start to see Bell from up close, manipulating the camera to see if it was working and when she was okay, she fall back to get on a chair. The camera was standing exactly at the same position of the TV right now. Bell was wearing her glasses and was keeping a straight face in that situation, she was looking around her, breathing with relievance before looking at the camera. She took a last deep breath before she start.

"If you're watching this, this means......that I'm gone !"

Her voice wasn't trembling, she was trying to keep a normal face but it could be seen in her eyes that she was moved by what she was actually doing to everyone.

"I left because I don't want to be someone I'm not. I lost everything when you told me that....I was just an brainwashed Perseus agent you retrieve back from that airport in Turkey." She sniffed "I'm gone because I know that one day, I'll be put down by the CIA when my usefulness will be gone, I know that very well. Adler has this idea in mind when he brought me on that cliff but he backed down.....he should have done it."

When hearing this, Woods & Mason looked at Adler and Park, realizing what the latter wanted to say to them, they were containing all their anger right now, feeling betrayed. Park couldn't let her eyes go away from the TV, not wanting to look Woods & Mason in the eyes.

"I'm just an tool the CIA is gonna use against Perseus but it will never happen again.....because I lost everything. My memories, all gone. I'm just a mindless body right now." She was starting to get emotional but she was still holding on. "I know the CIA will try everything to get me back and I don't want this to happen. I'm done fighting, I'm a monster." A monster, Bell was seeing herself like that since the truth came.....a monster ! "Even if I stayed here been forgiven of my past, that past will never go away. I was Perseus.....and part of me is telling me that I'm still am Perseus. I can't be forgiven for that, it's impossible." She wasn't smiling, she was finding herself guilty to be a monster and she was right

"Since the truth came out, I felt empty. When I was fighting at Solovetsky, I felt empty. When I killed Perseus with my bare hands, I felt empty and now, I'm still empty." She narrowed her eyes a little before making them back to normal, feeling so empty was reinforcing that guilt "Love was there but that wasn't so much." Park started to get some tears out but she wasn't crying "I don't want a life where I'm having the impression to have a gun barrel in the back of my skull, I don't want a new life and chances in the MI6 even if I understand their good intentions towards me, I can't. I don't want this life anymore, killing is disgusting me....I can't kill anymore." Some tears started to fall on Bell's cheeks slowly, her eyes flowed by the tears.

"I want just to be free, I know that my brain is not gonna last long with all the brainwashing on me and I need to get drugged to keep me stable but no, I can't anymore. I just want to eat something that wasn't drugged by you." She knew it well that her food was getting spoiled in order to have her in line. Right now and even if this was necessary for her, she wouldn't want it anymore. "Woods....Mason....buddies, I'm sorry I was the one to told you the truth, you were kept away from all of this because of Mason's past. I'm sorry to do this but I had no choice that to go. I hope you will understand."

The two were mixing between watching the TV and watching the others in disgust, they've been lied to, used. For them, the others fucked up Bell's mind and that they were the real reason of her departure.

"Park.....I.....I'm so sorry." It was at this moment Bell couldn't hold it anymore, she removed her glasses and started crying. "I'm so sorry to do this to you but.....I couldn't stay here. You were the only one to....bring excuses to me and I accepted it.....because I love you but that love was not enough to convince me to stay. I'm so sorry to betray the trust you put on me." She cleaned her tears with her hand, still holding the glasses. "I hope you will not hate me for that and understand my reasons." Park wasn't hating her at all with everything she said. Bell just wanted a life away from all of this and the CIA was still going to use her until they decided to end her

"I....I left things for some of you in the safehouse : Audio tapes for.....you, Park.....Adler too. All in your respectives workplaces." She was still moved as it was finally time for her to go "Please, I'm asking you to not find me, don't do it. Let me live the end of my life without been a tool to the CIA." She then moved to get close to the camera, to turn it off before she look back "Please.....

.....Let me fly away !"

And then the camera went off, stopping the recording, leaving the team with nothing but probably the last time they saw Bell in person through this TV. Park was so moved she couldn't remove her eyes from the TV even it was now off. She saw Bell for the last time maybe and seeing her wanting to fly away was giving her a little grin. She then put her head inside her hands, wanting to cry in silence.

However, Woods & Mason who were still shocked by Bell's revealation about her true identity and what happened to her reawakened some bad memories inside Mason : She was like him....he was like her and he didn't know it at all. He looked at Hudson and Adler who were looking away, sort of ashamed.

"You fuckers." Mason started, angriness in his voice "Have you realized what you have done ?"

"Listen, Mason....." Hudson wanted to say but he was cut off by Woods,

"I can't believe that bullshit : you brainwashed her !" He was in the same state as his best friend, he was clenching his fists and jaw, ready to give punches if necessary.

"I saw that you liked that, right Hudson ?" Mason exclaimed "It wasn't enough to tie me up on that chair 13 years ago, interrogating me and you decided to start it all over again with someone else."

"That wasn't the same situation." Hudson tried to defend himself but he was making it much worse

"Not the same fucking situation ?" Woods told him "You fucked up her mind !"

"She was an enemy, Woods." Adler intervened in the discussion "We had no choice."

"And you chose the most fucked solution to have your answers." Mason responded, he looked back at the TV and then back at Adler, pointing to him the TV "Happy now ?"

"It was necessary and for the good of Am-" Hudson was still making it much worse....too worse than before, he was then cut off again....this time by Park

"I'm so sorry....I never wanted that." She muttered inside her hands, loudly. Nothing could excused the fact that she participated in Bell's brainwashing even if it was by force, she could never forget that to herself. There were limits in her work....and she crossed them forced by the others. Woods & Mason were understanding her distress against the others but they couldn't know what to said to her. She forgives herself to Bell, will it be the same with the two mens ?

"Park, it's not your fault." Woods tried to reconfort her but what can he say about it ? He wasn't a pro about reconforting people but at least, he tried. "It's Hudson and Adler sicken minds fault."

"Woah, we're not going to take the full blame on us." Hudson protested

"You want me to continue what I started back in Ukraine ?" Woods was showing his fist to Hudson, referring to the punch he gave him after their operation in Ukraine "You two are making us sick !"

"We're out, Hudson !" Mason crossed his arms above his chest "We take our stuff and we're going back home."

"No, you're staying here to find...."

"If she wanted to live away from the CIA, we're going to let her live that life." Woods started to walk away to get to his stuff along with Mason's one before Mason followed him "You're never gave me that chance !" Mason added before joining Woods. Both wanted just to leave that place full of 'snakes' as they start to think about them except Park.

Everyone decided to split up to return to their respectives desks : Adler and Park didn't even exchange a gaze when the group broke. Both were looking for the audio tapes Bell left for them on their desks. Adler was the first one to find the audio tape Bell gave him hidden below a file. He looked at it, not sure if he really wanted to listen to this but anyway, he needed to hear what Bell wanted to say about him. He grabbed the listening system just on his desk, took a headset that he linked to the system and then start to listen.....

Adler.....Russell Adler.

You are thinking maybe that your words and your speechs for me was reconforting me after I learned of the truth by your mouth but everything you said to me was only lies....I know you too much to recognize a lie from you. You never liked me, you never gave an excuse after everything I've been through. I have done all your dirty work for you and the CIA. I'm not going to say that you were my friend because you were never one with me. It was just an act you played so well but it's your nature to act like if you cared about someone : you never cared about anyone but only your fucking ego. Don't hope that I'll ever forgive you because it will never happen.

You broke me, you destroyed my life.....you made me an monster....like you. I was already an monster before, you make it worse. I can understand why you were nicknamed 'the American Monster' by the others. You...Hudson, I hate you both. I know that I was only an asset for you and once it was done with Perseus and its followers, you will have to clean the loose end, meaning me. I'm not going to let this happen, that's why I left !

Both of us now are enemies, I don't want to see your face again. You try to find me, you're dead. Maybe I'm done with the killings but you're an exception. You will never be able to convince of your 'good intentions', it doesn't work anymore.

I hate you, Russell Adler from the bottom of my heart.

I hate you !

And then, the tape stopped by these words. She told him her true feelings she got towards Adler. She was sincere in her words, the tone she took was meaning her wraith against him. She was so angry....too angry against Adler. The man was still acting like if nothing happened and he deversed to be told the truth. Maybe it was everyone was thinking right now about him : a monster without a heart !

She did make him more angry as he slammed his fists on the desk, rage growing inside of him. Of course he should have waited for that to happen but he was now pissed off against Bell : she hate him and now, he was hating her at all costs. He wanted to find her and put her out. Should have killed her at Solovetsky, he said to himself after he finished to listen to the audio tape.

On her side, Park just found the audio tape hidden in fact in the left pocket of her own jacket that was posed on her chair. She just saw Adler slamming his fists on his desk, realizing that Bell did make him more than just angry and now, she was fearing that Bell will do the same with her but it was proved that Bell wasn't angry at her and even tried to forgive herself to have left. After finding the tape, Park inserted inside her own listening system, she put on her headset and took a deep breath wondering what Bell was going to say personally to her.

Park.....Helen

I'm....I'm so sorry to have took the decision to go away without looking back at what I have done during my time with the CIA and you. I know that you are the only one that was having real good intentions towards me : you wanted me to join you in the MI6, to work together as a team....and a couple. That was a very beautiful intention from you but I couldn't accept it. My life has been full of things I want to stop right now. Even if I lost everything from my memories, I couldn't forgive myself for being an Perseus agent all this time. I'm a monster, just that.

I left because I was scared....scared to live a life trapped within the CIA grasp and even if I joined the MI6 for real with you, I know that the CIA will be not far, still looking at me, making sure that I'm still under their control. Leaving was the only thing to do to break that control over me. I indeed condemned myself to die because I need to be drugged for my brain to no going crazy but.....that's my choice. At least, if I die, it will be as a free woman.

A monster can't be loved and can't love but you....you are so different. You have proved to me that even as the monster I am, my love for you didn't go away and never will. You are close to me, proud of me and it's reciprocal from me.....I'm proud of you...I'm in love with you. Helen Park.....I.....love.....you ! Even if I'm gone, you're still in my head and I don't want to remove you because I'm still thinking of you. I wanted to left with you but I wasn't sure of your reaction.

So, I hoped you are listening to this message because I want to make you know that I'm waiting for you somewhere....still in West-Berlin. I want to see you again and to hug you but I don't know you are really going to do it if you're still angry about my reasons to go. If you're coming, I will welcome with you with open arms. You found this message but did your check your right pocket ? Look at it and decide of what you will do....

Will you join me ?

The tape stopped by these words. Park was relieved of Bell's words instead of Adler. Bell was still loving her despite everything that happened to her and the fact that she wasn't here anymore. She was happy, the first time in the day. But then, she decided to look inside the right pocket of her jacket and found a paper with a adress on it : Bell's current location......only for her. Bell wanted to see her again and she wanted it too.

Park was looking at the piece of paper Bell wrote in her hands, she had to choice to make : either stay here or join Bell. It was already chosen since the beginning : Park wanted to see Bell and she will do it anyway but she will do it alone. No CIA, no Adler, no Hudson, just her and only her.

She put on her jacket and then stand up, grabbing the keys of one of the cars that was outside. She looked at her desk one more time and then, she started to walk away to go outside without looking back but as she was going to cross the garage door, Adler called her out, she turned around and was surprised to see him just behind here.

"Where are you going ?" He asked, raising an eyebrow

"Somewhere." Park simply respond

"Somewhere ?" He repeated "That doesn't respond to my question : Where are you going ?" He was raising his voice, making it more louder

"You're deaf ? Somewhere !" She said, irritated by him and then proceed to turn her back to him....before he could feel Adler's hand on her arm, pulling her back

"She told you, right ?" He said, having found out that Park was given Bell's location "You know where she is ?" Park couldn't hide it that she was going to see Bell but she will never tell where exactly

"Yes....and I'm not telling you that." She then started to try to remove his hand off her "Get off me !"

"Where is she ?" He asked, starting to hold her by the arm more firmly

"Let me go, damnit." She tried to push him but Adler could only respond by crushing Park's arm with his arm and then without hesistation, he raised his other hand and slapped her in the face. He was so angry he didn't control everything and he wasn't going to apologize at all. He just slapped her and she wasn't going to let him get away with this.

"Where's Bell ?" He asked again, angry. Park wasn't going to hold herself. After she redressed her head to face Adler, she saw that he was going to slap her again and decide to act before him. With all her might, she strike him right in the nuts with her left knee. The strike caused him to release his hand off her and allowed Park to give him another punch in the face, so violent that the punch caused his glasses to break in half and his nose to be broken. He then fall on his back, holding his face.

"I'm done with you, Adler. You're making everyone sick." She then took the badge that was hooked up on her pants and throw it at Adler's feets "Consider this my resignation of your team. Don't follow me !"

"You're playing an dangerous game with me, Park." He exclaimed, loudly "Cross that door and the next time I saw you is a bullet to the head you will receive."

"I'm willing to take the risk." She responded as she left the safehouse without looking back at him or anyone else.

She was now forbidden to return here with the choice she just make : she chosed her love for Bell over her toxic relation with the CIA and that was better for her. Her affilitation with the CIA needed to end a day and it was this day. The door closed behind meaning now that she was alone and that they were not going to follow her. She was just relieved by that as she got in one of the car and drove away from here.

Bell was waiting for her and it was her right to see her again. During the driving, Park was crying about the idea of seeing Bell again after the last night. She remember that they were having their hands together, looking at the stars, wondering to get lost. Bell was planning her departure at this moment and she wanted to take Park with her, she realize that it wasn't possible but then tried to convince her to come and it worked : Park was coming for her. She wanted to live the remaining days of her life, free from the CIA control and now Park was going to join her to be with her.

Park finally arrived at the location Bell gave her : a isolated place overlooking the Spree river, situed next to the surroundings of West-Berlin. It was a peaceful place, away from the sight of everyone else. Park was thinking that Bell was maybe going to flee when she start to hear the sounds of a car arriving but she didn't move : she was looking at the river, standing up, still wearing the same jacket she had last night. When she turned around, she saw Park looking at her with lovely eyes. She was surprised that Park came in fact.

Both women were wordless about seeing each other as their face expressions was doing the job : both were happy to see each other again, smiles appearing and tears starting to flow too. Finally, the two got closer and without a word, they hugged each other as they both start to cry. They were back once again in their arms and both closed were finally over with their old lifes. It was all done, they were ready to stay close to each other even Park know that Bell's days was counted but they both know the risks anyway.

Bell flied away.....Helen Park was flying by her side !

#black ops cold war #bocw #cod cw #call of duty cold war #cod black ops cold war #cod cold war #one shot #fem!bell #helen park

18 notes · View notes

velociraptoraddict · 4 years

Text

Part 3 Invader Zim Fanfiction Review

Part 1 and Part 2 can be found here!

Before we get started, as always, please let me know if any of the links provided don’t work, so I can correct them as soon as possible! I also welcome recommendations! So if there’s a fic that you don’t see on any of the lists, that you think I (or anyone else) should check out, please share! This Hyper-fixation Train is not slowing down and I need enablers 8D

And as a friendly reminder, anything crossed out is considered a Spoiler so read those parts at your own risks! And on to the Review!

Maneem Mekrelmar Danem Sempadinum Scarazial and Zaygam by @hecallsmehischild

This is a six part saga totaling 242,514 words. Originally posted on Fanfiction.net on an unknown date in the early 2000s and re-uploaded to Ao3 on 05-26-2016 and marked complete on 08-18-2016 (though the total write time was estimated 7 years). There are a total of 174 chapters.

I’m going to do something a little different with this one because it is a six part series. I’m mostly going to review it as one fic with a quick rundown of the different segments. So I’ll only provide the link for “Maneem” but you should easily be able to find the rest from the there. If I review each one individually, by the time I got to “Danem” and the others, they would all have to be scratched out due to spoiling revealed plot twists from both “Maneem” and “Mekrelmar”. However, because of how long and complex this whole thing is, I am going to need to delve a bit more in to spoilers than I like just to cover the over all plot, so be warned! I will say this series was AMAZING and would probably be best read blind! There are so many exciting twists and reveals and the Author (You may recognize from the Part 2 reviews such as “Spacejerk” and “Misdirection”) as always, is able to pull you into the story, make you fall in love with these characters, and does not pull any punches when it comes to emotional drama! I teared up during the epilogue! This Author has made me cry on two different occasions now!! If you love soap operas, you’ll love this series!

“Maneem” We start off with Zim finding out that his mission on Earth was a joke. In a state of shock, he wonders out into the streets of his neighborhood. He is not wearing his disguise and is very obviously an Alien. Dib finally gets what he’s always wanted, and Zim is arrested. Zim then goes to court (stay with me here lol), and a Judge sentences him to spend 3 months living with a host family to prove that he is not a danger to society. If he fails to do so, then he will be surrendered to the Swollen Eyeball for them to do whatever they please. And this is where we meet Della, Tom, Mikko, and Tiana, they’re original characters that play very important roles throughout the whole saga, I love them all for different reasons but Della and Mikko are definitely my favorites <3! This is a Found Family Fic. Della and Zim’s interactions are rocky at first but so sweet and wholesome later on, and Mikko’s growth from a frightened mute little girl to a spitfire fighter is done so well and I just absolutely adore her! Although, in the beginning, there is definitely a lot of headbutting, as the saga goes on these characters become Zim’s family, and they really grow close. The first half of “Maneem” is mostly Zim settling in with this new family of his, so a lot of slice-of-life fluff and drama. But soon, Dib hacks into Zim’s PAK and reveals that Zim has had a truly horrific up bringing, complete with brutal torturous training and both emotional and physical abuse. One punishment Zim had to endure during training was being exposed to a new alien species called a Morflar. Morflars are like living shadows that hunt and eat Irkens, slowly killing them in the most bone chilling way possible. Morflars play a pretty big part later on. But something else is revealed in Zim’s memories that truly gets the plot moving! After seeing something truly horrific, Dib kidnaps Zim at gunpoint and forces the alien to take him to Irk for a rescue mission. Here is where we meet Gloria (I wont say much about her due to spoilers but I really fell in love with her and her relationships with other characters by the end of this saga!). A few things happen, and “Maneem” ends shortly after a second trip to Irk for a rescue is successful. Overall, “Maneem” is a pretty quick read, and due to its age (about 12 years old) it is missing a few of the finer details that the Author’s more recent fics have. However, even in these earlier chapters, the Author does such a great job with emotion and character interactions, that you hardly notice the jumping in scenes. And the writing style really improves later in the saga! It’s just obviously different from how the Author currently writes, so there’s a noticeable difference if you read their more recent fics first, but if you read this one first, then you wont even notice any of it, and you will truly be blown away when the writing improves later on.

“Mekrelmar” takes place about two years later, basically Dib wants revenge for what happened to Gloria, and convinces Zim to reluctantly tag along. Chaos ensues and Zim ends up being left behind on Irk, leading to a bit of torture and another rescue. Here is also where the Swollen Eyeball starts to enter the story in a major way, though they really don’t start to shine until “Danem”. The Author also does something with Gaz’s character in this series that is absolutely enjoyable and clever! I will not spoil it but it’s clever and works so well with the world the Author builds here. Even if the reveal is a little out of the blue XD

“Danem” takes place five years later, and here is where a lot of crazy stuff really starts to happen! There was actually a real-life five year gap between “Mekrelmar” and “Danem”, so not only does the writing style improve, but the Author’s ability to foreshadow really shines here! You can tell that the next four segments were all well planed out, as a lot of different twists and mysteries are introduced and slowly hinted at, before finally being answered many many chapter later! You wont be able to put it down! We start to learn a bit more about what Gaz can do. And Zim just has an All Around No Good Very Bad Time with a lot of stuff, I know I say this a lot, but this Author is so good at emotional trauma!! We also get a special surprise in the form of a familiar bond reveal, the Author does such a great job with the reveal too, it’s hinted at and you can almost guess what it is, yet it still takes you by surprise when it is confirmed! I was screaming out loud with how well done it was, and how excited I was about the implications of what the reveal would mean for the rest of the story. Mikko also continues to get some character growth and I gotta say, I really do love her X3. There’s more stuff with the Swollen Eyeball as well, which gets dark just as a heads up, there’s a bit of gore and psychological damage. It’s all very well written! We’re also introduced to another new character who plays a larger part later on, Agent Tunaghost, she’s one of the few characters who actually uses logic and is smart enough to know that everyone else needs to see a psychologist lol. Also, trying to avoid spoilers, the Author does an absolutely amazing job at a character redemption, someone who you absolutely despise in the first two segments becomes a beloved character in this one going forward. It’s so well done! This Author really writes trauma, angst, and emotions so well. Though fair warning, there is a Character Death in this segment. Towards the end of “Danem”, I really fall in love with a particular character and their behavior towards Zim (XD man it’s really hard to say stuff without spoiling it, like I don’t even want to name the character because that will spoil stuff from the first two segments)

“Sempadinum” takes place almost immediately after “Danem”, and it is an emotional roller coaster (lol I feel like I say this a lot, but seriously the Author is sooo good with making the reader feel for these guys!). It mostly focuses on Gloria’s recovery from all the horrible stuff that’s happened to her in the past, as well as a budding platonic relationship that I truly was platonicly shipping and gushing over by the end of the saga! When you read it, you’ll understand why I’m emphasizing platonic lol, but seriously I absolutely adore these two together! Tunaghost is again the only one to actively suggest a psychologist for these poor folks, too (and she’s 100% right). Also, the Earth is in danger (cause of course it is) from the Irken Armada, and the Author has a really clever way to save it that really got me gushing over this characterxcharacter relationship lol. Overall “Sempadinum” is very well written, with great character development and exploration of their emotions and traumas. Plus there’s so much happening plot wise, that I can’t even touch on because of spoilers!! And sooo much foreshadowing shows up that isn’t answered until very far down the road, showing that the Aurthor planned everything out and did such a great job writing it all! We also start to get a few more hints on the Big Bad that first appeared in “Danem”, though we wont really see them till much later, and let me tell you, You will Never Guess the true identity of this Big Bad! But once they’re revealed, the hints laid out up to that point can be puzzled out. Lot of hindsight needed though XD

“Scarazial” takes place immediately after “Sempadinum” with a very heart wretchingly emotional wedding. We’re also introduced to Riddick, who is an absolute delight! As with a few other character introductions in this saga, Riddick starts out a bit as a jerk (though absolutely fun), trust me, you’ll love him by the end! With a few more appearances from the Big Bad, and a few other mysteries that need to be solved (that I can’t hint at cause it involves characters and spoilers from previous segments) “Scarazial” ends with Zim finally snapping and going insane, and it is really a fun/terrifying thing to watch!

“Zaygam” takes place immediately after “Scarazial”, and is the last of this six part saga. I can’t say much without spoilers other than it wraps up every loose end perfectly and the epilogue got me all chocked up! I actually had to pause reading for a few hours and I still ended up losing a few tears when I picked it back up mid-chapter! One thing I can say, there is an odd introduction of a new character, it seems a bit out of left field, and doesn’t make any sense at first (especially since it comes immediately after an April fools chapter lol), but trust me, if you keep reading to the end you will quickly fall in love with this idea that is presented, and everything else that this 6 part saga has to offer!

Please give it a read!

13/10 Very long, but so so good! The writing, plot, and characters are so well done and the depiction of emotional trauma and ptsd is handled well. And the Character redemptions are amazing, plus the ships!!! This also has my hands down absolute favorite depiction of Red!

Between The Stars by andystarr aka @andyyoureastarr

This fic is 2,111 words. Originally posted on 01-04-2020 and so far only has one chapter.

I’ve reviewed this Author’s fics before, but this is a brand new one! And although there probably isn’t enough of it for me to truly review it, based off what is out so far and the Author’s other works I am 100% confident that I can recommend it! The Author introduces a new alien species that appears to be blood thirsty similar to the Irekns, they discover Dib post alien abduction via “the really dumb aliens who think he’s [Zim] a human and try to fuse him with stuff” from the show. Dib ends up killing his captures before his supposed “rescue” and the chapter ends on a pretty ominous note.

?/10 Since there’s only one chapter so far I don’t want to give it a rating, but knowing the Author’s other work I’m sure it’ll have a perfect score.

Breaking Routine by GalaxyCuup aka @galaxycuup

This fic is 6,188 words. Originally posted on 12-02-2019 and last updated on 12-13-2019. It has two chapters so far.

This is another one that’s a little harder to review since it’s still so new, but the two chapters that are out so far, are so well written, and hold so much promise for the future! This is a species swap AU where Zim is human and in Hi-skool and Dib is the Irken Scientist who has come to Earth to study and research it. The Author also posts pictures IN THE CHAPTERS!! They are so good!! The characters are very well written and their interactions are fun to watch. Plus with this being a species swap, it means their personalities are still sorta there, but their cultures and up bringing are very different so they react to things differently than their canon selves would, which make it a very fascinating read and a fresh take from all the other versions of these two that I’ve seen so far. Zim is his usually hot headed self, but being a teenager it seems to get him into more trouble than he deserves, while Dib has that air of infatuation and child-like wonderment with the planet Earth and everything new around him. I’m very curious to see where the story goes from here and what these two will do if Dib’s Irken self is ever revealed.

?/10 It’s still new so I can’t quiet give it a full score, but I see a lot of potential and the unique take combined with the artwork is so good that I definitely recommend it, and look forward to reading more.

Chomp by VelociraptorAddict aka unashamed self promotion

This fic is 12,280 words. Originally posted 12-31-2019 and last updated 01-18-20. It is updated weekly and so far has 4 chapters posted.

We start off with an introduction of a new Alien species, not much is revealed about them at first besides the fact that they require to “Bond” with others in order to survive off their own planet. More is revealed little by little as the story goes unfolds. This alien is sent to Earth/Urth to gather information for an upcoming invasion, and ends up forming a Bond with a young girl to do so. This girl later moves across the country and starts going to skool with Dib. One day she makes the mistake of admitting she doesn’t believe in Bigfoot, which leads to Dib confronting her to try and convince her otherwise. However, during the conversation it is revealed that she does believe in ghosts, and Dib’s need to be validated for his belief in the paranormal, means that he quickly sees this girl as someone who will actually listen to him. So he attaches himself to her and assumes they’re friends. Unfortunately for the girl, she has a pretty big secret that she doesn’t want this potential paranormal investigator to find out, the Loughran.

Unfortunately, it is not a secret she’s able to keep for long. Dib quickly becomes suspicious that she must be hiding something, when another new student (Zim), comes to their skool and Dib accuses him of being an Alien. The girl seems to flip between agreeing with him and denying the existences of aliens all together and Dib finds it very suspicious. When a fight breaks out at recess between Zim, the girl, and something invisible, Dib quickly and adamantly demands answers!

This part of the plot moves pretty quickly, but it is simply the set up for what’s to come.

?/10 It doesn’t feel right scoring my own fic, but I will admit the writing style itself could use a bit of improvement and it could definitely use a lot more descriptive text. However, the character interactions and dialogue portions are done well enough. And I’ve been doing enough of these fic reviews that it’s about time I put my money where my mouth is and started writing my own, right?

#Invader Zim #fanfiction #iz #fanfic #fic #review

85 notes · View notes

mittensmorgul · 4 years

Text

Today on the TNT loop, a wonderful direct callback to 15.09 and 15.10, via 4.15, 4.16 and 4.17...

I need to start out by reminding everyone that the entire purpose of s4 was to manipulate Sam and Dean into “playing their roles,” even before they knew their roles existed as roles. Cosmically fated to act out a specific story for the entertainment of a bored God. Remember, they’re about to learn of the existence of “Chuck the Prophet” who’s been writing their lives down, in explicit detail, and publishing them as a series of pulpy horror novels. Hooray, 4.18, up next for me.

But I really need to pause here, because the sort of manipulations that Sam and Dean suffered through in 15.10, while I’ve already pointed out a lot of other “silly” episodes they referenced:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/190430063655/mittensmorgul-episodes-i-expect-1510-to-remind

I’m gonna now add 4.17 to that list, too, because holy HECK.

Remember the setup to this episode? 4.15 and 4.16 both? Where Dean had been DIRECTLY MANIPULATED into stopping Alistair from breaking another seal-- to “kill death twice” by ritually murdering two reapers-- a hunt that Cas “tricked” Sam and Dean into taking on by literally making them think that Bobby had sent them on that hunt.

Then 4.16 used Uriel to manipulate both Dean AND Cas into believing they needed to torture information out of Alistair. The goal was to break both Dean AND Cas here, because Uriel knew all along that Alistair was literally just a distraction, a diversion from his own actions, recruiting angels for Team Lucifer and murdering those who refused to join him. But also breaking Dean’s will to just... do what he’s told. Because Dean himself was never destined to be anything more than a tool to Heaven, a vessel for Michael to wear to the apocalypse. Of course, Dean didn’t know any of that yet, and neither did Cas. He knew Dean was “important,” but truly didn’t know why.

At the end of 4.16, lying in a hospital bed, Dean felt hopeless:

Castiel: It's not blame that falls on you, Dean, it's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it. Dean: Lucifer? The Apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean! Castiel: I don't know. Dean: Bull. Castiel: I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you. Dean: Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not—I'm not strong enough. Well, I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me.

Tell me this isn’t super similar to his state earlier in s15. Let’s say... at the beginning of 15.06, holed up in his room in his bathrobe, bingewatching tv shows and eating cereal directly from the box. By the end of the episode, he still wasn’t sure what was real and what was Chuck’s doing in his life, and he’s absolutely right to question that, given his lifetime of experience being manipulated in exactly this way by higher cosmic powers.

In 4.17, that higher cosmic power was Zachariah, literally giving Sam and Dean alternate memories and directly inserting them into entirely different lives to prove a point. In 4.17, the Winchesters had their lifetime of knowledge of the Supernatural excised from them-- and even all the practicalities of hunting like “how to buy guns,” and “how salt can repel ghosts,” and “how to fight.” Throughout the episode they were forced to re-learn all of these skills for themselves, ironically using Ghostfacers videos about ghost hunting that directly referenced information that the Ghostfacers had learned from “The Winchesters.” Very much like how the Winchesters were “depowered” in 15.10, and yet... they were saved because of their prior relationship WITH GARTH, in which they had not only saved Garth’s life a couple of times, but had also learned things and imparted knowledge and information TO GARTH in the past.

I guess what I’m attempting to point out here is the direct parallel to Chuck’s active manipulation of Sam and Dean in 15.10. They may not have had their memories removed like Zachariah did to them, but they’ve been reset to a similar sort of “baseline” status where NOTHING they do actually works this time. It’s... it’s almost a perfect inverse of 4.17.

Literally the episode leading up to the first appearance of Chuck The Author in canon.

Tell me Dabb isn’t explicitly suggesting an inverse parallel here, framing everything as Dean’s CHOICE, when it’s been one grand manipulation to pressing him into making that choice through any means necessary-- up to and including direct deceit and false narrative:

Zachariah: Believe me, I had no interest in popping down here into one of these smelly things. But after the unfortunate situation with Uriel, I felt it necessary to pay a visit, get all my ducks in a row. Dean: I am not one of your ducks. Zachariah: Starting with your attitude. Dean: So, what? This was all some sort of a lesson? Is that what you're telling me? Wow. Very creative.

and

Zachariah: I know, I know. You're not strong enough. You're scared. You've got daddy issues. You can't do it, right? Dean: Angel or not, I will stab you in your face. Zachariah: All I'm saying is it's how you look at it. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. You get to change things. Save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn't a curse. It's a gift. So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around. There are plenty of fates worse than yours. So are you with me? You wanna go steam yourself another latte? Or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?

Zachariah KNEW the bigger plan all along. Here he showed Dean an “alternate life” that was entirely manufactured to be a “false choice.” Dean, because of who he is as a person, would never have chosen that corporate falsehood. Just like he rejected Zachariah’s intended lesson in 5.04. And Gabriel’s lesson in 5.08.

Dean... doesn’t want to play his role. His role sucks. It’s a river of crap that would send most people howling to the nuthouse, after all... oh... wait, that’s a direct quote from 5.09, aka another episode where Chuck is directly involved, and directly manipulates them into a hunt... Dean... is not a fan...

But... we also learn something that I still think is true, and that I still think is IMPORTANT to s15. And important to Chuck as a character on this show we’re watching. I really don’t think he’s omniscient. I don’t think he can actually see every possible outcome. I don’t think he can control everything. But I think, and will always think, that because of Free Will, his ability to truly influence the outcome of his story is hindered. Unless he can use everything he CAN manipulate to crush Sam and Dean’s free will... to force them into making choices directly against their own interest, because of their perceived situation, or in this new post 14.20 universe, Chuck’s perceived intent for them.

Sam and Dean (and Cas! remember this was also about his discovery of the “rot” in Heaven, and how he himself had been used and manipulated into helping start the apocalypse) spent s4 thinking they were doing the right thing, because they’d been lied to from the start. When they questioned their path, questioned each other, their actions were met with often comically implausible verging on outright ridiculous situations that nudged them back into this cosmically “destined” series of events.

And Chuck’s history of this is directed at Sam and Dean in different ways-- Sam through the psychological manipulation and emotional angst, and Dean through physically hindering him. Chuck needed to break Sam’s trust in Dean, and replace it with the false belief that he was actually doing the right thing back in s4:

SAM: Dean’s not... he's not Dean lately. Ever since he got out of hell. He needs help. CHUCK: So you got to carry the weight? SAM: Well, he's looked out for me my whole life. I can't return the favor? CHUCK: Yeah, sure you can. I mean, if that's what this is. SAM: What else would it be? CHUCK: I don't know. Maybe the demon blood makes you feel stronger? More in control? SAM: No. That's not true. CHUCK: I'm sorry, Sam. I know it's a terrible burden – feeling that it all rests on your shoulders. SAM: Does it? All rest on my shoulders? CHUCK: That seems to be where the story's headed. SAM: Am I strong enough to stop Lilith tonight? CHUCK: I don't know. I haven't seen that far yet.

Chuck needs to break Sam’s will in 15.09, but Dean? Dean he needed to break his car, break him physically, and break his belief in his own choices and actions. Break his belief in his own identity. Because Dean’s will is not so easily shattered. He’s still willing to punch God in the face, for all of this.

And that’s how we end up with 15.10...

bonus destiel content: Dean’s very first prayer to Cas, ever, is asking him for help to stop Chuck’s prophecy from coming true. Dean question’s Cas’s “mission,” i.e. the thing Dean is unaware Cas has been questioning himself all this time, in the face of Dean’s refusal to just sit around and wait for Chuck’s prophecies to happen to them. Cas supplies him with the bit of information Dean needs to interfere and break the prophecy. I’ve written about the importance of that act before:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187983341865/i-always-thought-anna-said-only-an-angel-can-kill

(and it bothers the everloving fuck out of me that people still don’t see that Chuck is a flim-flam artist of the highest order, and is the most unreliable narrator in the history of unreliable narrators, because not only is he biased to his own view of the story, he has the power to make the story conform to his own views, even if he can’t fully control each of the characters like glorified puppets)

and then Lizbob has also written about this scene and its import:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169437649690/elizabethrobertajones-dean-cas-are-in-love-a

which is incredible when paired with Dean’s most recent prayer to Cas in 15.09, not about a problem he needs help fixing, but directly about their relationship... to quote Layla from 1.12, speaking on the subject of prayer, there’s a miracle right there.

#spn 4.15 #spn 4.16 #spn 4.17 #spn 4.18 #spn 15.10 #spn 15.09 #chuck's process #sam sympathizes and dean empathizes #spiders georg of the tnt loop #s15 meta rewatch #destiel #it's spirals all the way down #the scheherazade of supernatural #spn 1.12

50 notes · View notes

kalynnternet · 4 years

Text

How I became Agnostic

This post is a sort of silent play/series of movie screen captures that detail the how, why, and when of my becoming an agnostic. I’m sharing in hopes of expanding the amount of personal experiences told by the agnostic community, since there are many ways one can be agnostic and believing only one narrative is limiting.

ACT I : Childhood Existentialism

My name is Kalynn and through the next 20-ish photos of my poorly-cropped self, I hope to provide an interesting take on my agnostic origin story.

I was raised by a conservative Christian mother and my very-opposite-of-that father:

I grew up hearing about Jesus and God and was very sheltered from any religion outside of Christianity. As a kid, it was just basic knowledge that God created the Universe. I didn’t know anything outside of Christianity, and I remember being confused when I found out people did things against God’s rules or when someone casually stated that they didn’t believe in God.

But my pure relationship with Jesus would soon be tainted by my family’s and church community’s stories about Hell... The idea of eternal punishment suffered by non-believers was and sometimes still is one of my greatest fears.

Thinking back on it, this was a pretty intense conversation topic to be discussing with a 7-year-old. My experience with religion then on was weighed down by worries of not doing enough or not believing enough.

I was sort of just going through the motions of religion, getting saved and baptized because I thought that would protect me from infinite torture. Passion for the faith and love for a celestial being took a back seat, my fear overriding any actual feelings of belief in the religion. Looking back, I can see that I didn’t truly have faith in the way my family wanted me to even before I was exposed to the “secular world.”

I had a nice childhood, but the threat of going to Hell always loomed in the distance. I thought about death more than a child probably should, keeping tallies of sins and figuring out ways I could possibly rectify them. It was my main source of anxiety for most of my young life and I struggled for a long time...

ACT II : The Influenced Middle Schooler

Among the bustling chaos of middle school life was where I really began to “stray from God’s light,” one might say.

I think one of my biggest influences came from the music I started listening to. I look back fondly on my days of sneaking into my mom’s computer room and listening to “Slut Like You” by P!nk and, as pictured below, “Va Va Voom” by Nicki Minaj (a song about seducing a taken man).

Songs like these helped to desensitize me to “immoral” lyrics, cuss words, and using God’s name in vain. After a while these things became casual parts of conversation around friends. Once my rhetoric evolved to include these sayings, my relationship with Christianity as I was raised to believe it started to weaken.

And then, I developed my first crush on a girl.

WOO did this put a dent in my standing with Christianity. This crush was on one of my friends “Kasey,” and it ended up causing problems in our relationship because I started acting weird around her and tried to avoid her (I was told all my life that homosexuality was an instant ticket to Hell, no way was I going to willingly explore my feelings).

I think one of my aunts started to suspect I was “going down the wrong path,” so she gifted me Christian “help” books such as the one above (Lies Young Women Believe). I remember skipping to sections dealing with homosexuality and reading the advice given there, but it only managed to make me feel guilty instead of curing any gayness (surprise surprise). As I feel is the case with many ex-Christians, conservative Christian views on homosexuality is one of the biggest reasons I dropped out of the faith. Its views about women was also a big “yikes” moment for me, even when I was still figuring out what “feminism” meant.

Middle school was also when I heard the term “agnostic” for the first time.

My friend Drake and I were having one of our scheduled existential school bus talks when he mentioned that I might be “agnostic” since I knew I wasn’t an atheist but I also didn’t feel like “religious” or even “spiritual” applied to me anymore.

After talking more in depth about what the term meant and researching a little on it, I decided I would adopt the term for myself.

ACT III : Optimistically Agnostic

As I move along my academic journey, I have solidified my position as an agnostic even more in present time.

Education has been probably the biggest factor in my becoming an agnostic. Learning about how much our society has been dampened by patriarchy and white supremacy and whatever else really opens your eyes and makes you view structures you thought you knew differently.

Going to college has presented me with all kinds of new experiences as well, and I’ve learned that “White Christian America” isn’t all there is. There are so many ways of understanding, especially when it comes to religiosity, that I find it impossible to say one is better than another. Who am I to tell you that your religion is false?

However...

Although I have just described my reasons for falling out of religion, I want to clarify that I don’t think faith is stupid, pointless, or bad.

There are plenty of upsides to it that recently I have been more open to experiencing. I realize now that the problems I had/have with religion come from others’ interpretations of it.

There’s a quote from the legendary Carrie Fisher that goes as such:

“I love the idea of God, but it’s not stylistically in keeping with the way I function. I would describe myself as an enthusiastic agnostic who would be happy to be shown that there is a God. I can see that people who believe in God are happier... But I doubt.”

As usual, Carrie Fisher has elegantly put into words what I feel.

I’ve grown to be comfortable in the “agnostic” label and now I feel like re-exploring feelings of spirituality. I’m still valid as an agnostic when I do this. In fact, you can be agnostic and also part of a religion if you feel like it; agnosticism is defined as admitting you don’t/can’t know what happens in the afterlife, but that doesn’t mean you can’t hope for something or feel like there is something after death. Likewise, you could also be an agnostic atheist if that fits you better.

There is a lot of discourse surrounding agnosticism, including people arguing if it’s even an actual thing, what constitutes a person being agnostic, whether it’s just a placeholder, etc. Some people consider it to be an intellectual endeavor; by stating the fact that no one can actually say what happens after death, no one can prove or disprove any religion. Others see it as a humanist approach-by saying simply that you aren’t sure, you aren’t disrespecting or endorsing any religion over another. If there’s anything that studying rhetoric has taught me, it’s that using confining language to talk about an identity isn’t something that goes well.

I am agnostic because sometimes I find myself believing there is something in the afterlife, but I don’t know what it is and there isn’t a way for me to know for sure. I’m comfortable with this identification, it has helped me leave my depressive existential crisis state.

Thank you for reading my experience with agnosticism!

End

1 note · View note

hellagaypokemon · 7 years

Note

What's up with sense8? I haven't seen it myself, but I thought it was supposed to have decent lgbt representation?

that’s what everyone thinks until you look at it deeper.

like, ya know how someone can say something and you agree with it based on the assumption that the speaker is a decent human being, but then you find out more about their politics and realize what they said had a deeper meaning you didn’t know that makes it actually really, really awful?

what I’m about to tell you about this show is just like that.

the biggest, most awful thing about the series, that is one of those ‘you wouldn’t know it without outside info’ things, is that the authors have a serious gay conversion fetish, and this show is literally that fetish played out on the big screen, where they can make money off it and normalize it in the minds of the masses.

now, for those of us who haven’t watched the show and aren’t familiar with it’s content/plot, the very basic premise is that 8 people become psychically linked (becoming the “sens8″), and basically become part of one giant poly relationship complete with physical and psychic orgies.

seems innocent enough, but once you know more about it, both in the show and outside of it, that becomes really sinister.

if you go to the creators’ fb pages and go back to before the show started, you’ll find both of them, along with other crew members, are obsessed with poly gay conversion.

if you’re not familiar with this particular fetish (first of all, consider yourself lucky, and turn back now if you want to maintain your blissful ignorance), it’s basically getting gay people into a poly m/f relationship (usually a bi person and a het person, for example, a lesbian dating a bi woman who also has a boyfriend), and very slowly, over time “turning” the gay member to make them bi. this is done through the same tactics that cults use (which you can see a lil run down here in a more familiar context if you’re unfamiliar with that) but the ones pertaining to this particular situation look more like shaming gay member for not being more affectionate with the other partner (ie, the bi woman chastizing the lesbian for not wanting to be affectionate with her boyfriend), or the other partner joining sex without permission, ex: the bi woman and lesbian having sex and the man coming in and joining on multiple occasions, only touching the bi woman at first but then going further, all while ignoring and shaming any protests from the lesbian.

it’s defended as “exploring sexual fluidity”, but if the fact that it’s only aimed at making gay people feel m/f attraction isn’t enough of a tip off, that’s literally the new term for conversion therapy (which, for the sake of not going off on a tangent, I will explain in detail with sources at the bottom of this post*)

now, you may be thinking that this sounds awful, but confused as to how this relates to the show. if you haven’t heard, the creators themselves stated when asked about mid-way through season one, once the connection happens and everyone is connected, they feel each other’s feelings, and therefor everyone is now pan.

that’s right, the two gay characters now feel m/f attraction, and are shown enjoying m/f sex (physical btw, not just ‘someone else I’m linked to is having sex while I’m having sex therefor it’s like we’re all having sex with each other at the same time’, no, actual physical m/f sex). in fact, not just enjoying it, but loving it. which is identical to the creators’ fetish. the only difference is it happened instantaneously rather than having to wait for the brainwashing to take affect, making it seem a lot obviously homophobic.

now, you may be thinking that that’s ok, cause there’s straight people that are now pan! that must even it out, right?

no, it doesn’t, cause there’s still a lil problem with that. I mean, it’s still literally gay conversion, making gay people not gay anymore, and nothing can ever even that out, but the straight characters aren’t actually changed. for all intense and purposes, they stay straight. we never see them express same-sex attraction, and they only ever have m/f sex, while the previously gay characters are shown having m/f sex and loving it multiple times. that’s not a coincidence or an accident.

and also, that excuse is even more bullshit when you notice, even though it was said that they’re “all feeling each other’s feelings” their sexuality seems to be the only part they each feel. you have men and women connected, including a trans woman, yet none of them are now nonbinary, nor do any of them ever feel the trans woman’s dysphoria or gain any dysphoria of their own (nor does being connected to men lessen or worsen the trans woman’s dysphoria). this whole “feeling each other’s feelings” ONLY applies to sexuality, and only actually affects the gay people, whom remember, the creators love “fixing”.

and that’s just the main plot of the show! there’s also two gay men who are outside the sens8, who are constantly harassed by a woman who is completely obsessed with gay men.

now, this type of woman does exist irl, they’re known as “f*ghags” in the west and “fujoshi” (meaning “dirty girl”) in the east. they’re basically woman who are the female equivalent of straight men who think lesbians exist for their pleasure. they consume as much gay porn as they can, and harass actual gay men, because through their consumption of us (gay people) in fiction, they’ve forgotten that we’re actual people and do not, in fact, exist for their pleasure.

and that’s literally all she does. she consumes them like they’re her fave anime ship. she literally watches them having sex, and takes pictures of them without their knowledge or consent (most likely for her to squeal over later, since at the time she was too busy masturbating to them), and when confronted about this, when it’s shown how terrified one of the men is to be outed should that physical and undeniable proof fall in the wrong hands, he’s attacked and chastized by the other gay man, his own partner, for not considering the straight fetishist’s feelings, who’s upset that he doesn’t completely love how much she fetishizes them.

literally their only real part in the plot is for the narrative to shame gay men for not loving and embracing how straight female fetishists treat them, through things that are straight up straight people bullshit. (that whole ‘why won’t you come out of the closet, are you ashamed of me???’ thing is complete hetty bullshit, as is a gay man not only being ok with a straight girl treating them like this, but chastising his own partner for not being ok with it. that shit, just straight up does not happen)

and this is literally just the first season stuff, as I refused to learn any more about the show. this tbh, is beyond enough for me to know the show is 100% shit, but fyi, there’s also a fuck ton of racism I haven’t even touched.

you can say on the surface, it has representation/is diverse, and while that’s true, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s actually more regressive than a show with a 100% straight white cast. and just cause the creators are part of the community doesn’t make them exempt from bigotry.

another even better example if you’re still confused as to how that can be, a black gay man is the head writer for the Dear White People TV series, who’s goal with the show was to challenge how black gay men are viewed and portrayed in the media, and he wrote a “lesbian” teacher having an affair with her male student and denying it by continuing to claim she’s a lesbian (can’t have an affair with a male, student or otherwise, if you’re a lesbian) while he makes comments to his classmates about how she “isn’t a lesbian when she’s with [him]”, rolling lesbianism not being real and lesbians being pedophiles/predators all into one awful caracature of a character.

just cause he’s a gay man doesn’t mean he can’t be homophobic, and perpetuate specifically lesbophobic stereotypes.

just like how just because the creators of sens8 are trans and made a show full of diverse characters doesn’t mean they can’t be homophobic and racist. just like how just cause a show is diverse doesn’t mean it can’t be the mouthpiece for bigotry. bigotry doesn’t only come from the completely privileged in shows that only have token minority characters.

and that goes for everyone. I see far too often “I can’t be homophobic, I’m [insert non-straight sexuality here]” and it’s bullshit. you can be part of the community and be wildly homophobic. my byf page is full of links to both straight people and other LGBT people who could not hate lesbians more if they tried. hell, I’d be willing to bet my list of links is more diverse than the show.

so I hope that this has helped you and anyone else understand just how awful this show is by itself, and just how much of a blessing it is that it’s been canceled.

now, *conversion therapists have “realized” that the word “conversion therapy” has a “negative connotation” and so they’ve basically re-branded themselves, and moved the goal posts. “conversion therapy” is now known as “SAFE-T”, meaning “Sexual Attraction Fluidity Exploration (in) Therapy”, which, in their own words:

“The [term sexual fluidity exploration] accuratelyconveys that the therapist is not being coercive but merely assisting individuals in a client-centeredexamination of their sexual attractions.” […] “[it] does not imply that categorical change is the goal […] nor does it imply that change which is less thancategorical in nature cannot be meaningful and satisfying to clients” […] “Scientifically, the fluidity of sexual orientation (and, for our purposes, especially same-sexattractions) for many women and men is now beyond question” (here misquoting quoting Lisa Diamond, even though her actual study proved the opposite, that lesbian sexuality is in fact, not fluid)

what this means, for those who may be confused, is basically, they no longer want to make a gay person straight, instead they aim to make us bi, as it’s easier to convince someone through grooming and brainwashing that they have an attraction they actually don’t, in addition to the one they actually have, rather than completely erasing one and replacing it with another.

which is exactly what the creators are obsessed with, as are tons of other content creators. there’s been an increase in straight and bi authors creating stories that specifically revolve around a lesbian learning of her “sexual fluidity” and finding a man she just can’t resist, while the authors insist that it can’t be conversion therapy because they made the lesbian go from gay to bi/gay with an exception instead of gay to straight.

so yea, when I say this series is wildly homophobic on a level deeper than most people realize, I really, really mean it.

#ask #toximancer #sens8 #tw: conversion therapy #not pokemon

12 notes · View notes

10oclockdot · 7 years

Video

youtube

10 New Interrogations

1. "Out West" and "Back East" are common enough phrases, but I rarely ever hear "Out East" and never "Back West." It's as if the spatial teleology of Manifest Destiny is still embedded in our language.

2. Already Google, Facebook, Netflix, and basically every other online platform tailor our user experience -- that is, what they show us when we do a search or look at our wall -- based on our past user experience. Which is to say that we don't really know what we like. We just know what we found acceptable from the limited options which the algorithm presents us based on what we found acceptable in the past. Log on to somebody else's Netflix and you'll see totally different streaming options -- probably stuff you didn't even know was on Netflix -- and you'll say, "Hey, I like Jurassic Park! Netflix, why didn't you ever tell me you had Jurassic Park??" or something similar. To be fair, when all we had was Blockbuster, we were still stuck with limited choices. Whereas Blockbuster limited their choices simply by what they thought the public would rent, Netflix limits their choices twice again: first by what they can purchase the rights to (and it seems like they're losing to Amazon and, dare I say it, Hulu big time these days), and then again but what they think YOU (personally) will stream. Simply put: you're only a couple ill-advised thumbs-ups away from thinking that there's nothing good to watch anymore, when in reality you just tricked Netflix into thinking that you have terrible taste. Same as it ever was -- with respect to the culture industry hemming us in and digital bubbles replacing shared reality -- it's just that nobody ultimately benefits here.

3. Thus, maxim: the new technology will not solve the problem you think it will solve.

4. Life is a pretty incredible meme. But even with its remarkable reach, variety, and durability on earth, still only a very tiny percentage of the earth's matter has been converted into life. I don't know what this "biomass" limit is, but it's clearly low. Is there another form of material organization which could yield a higher percentage of conversion into living matter? Would machine consciousness based on a silicon substrate be able to convert more matter into life? And if so, does that mean that it's destined to become ascendant in the future? Are there other systems of organization which can convert even more matter? What about capitalism? Is there a limit to the amount of matter that can be converted into capital? If so, what is it? Doesn't it, in fact, seem limitless? But if it is limited, by what is it limited?--- and, does that mean that there might be an ascendant system, capable of converting more matter into some other economic substance, which will one day overcome capitalism?

5a. Some time ago, I got into a debate about abortion with my former Baptist pastor. I pointed out to him the several documents from the early 70's in which the SBC or prominent Baptist writers came to the defense of abortion in certain instances or argued that it was not right for the church to oppose the Roe decision, since, after all, it did not compel anyone to get an abortion. He replied that church leaders must have been mistaken then because "God's Word is clear" that all abortion is wrong in all circumstances. Here I let the debate end, but now I wish that I had continued it at least a little bit longer. "Wait, so if you and the 1970's leaders of the Baptist Church are both taking inspiration from the same playbook [teh Bible], what made them wrong and you right? And if it was possible for the Church to get something wrong in the past -- as you just admitted -- then wouldn't it be horribly supercilious to claim that you've got everything right now? And if, as is overwhelmingly likely, you've got some things wrong in Church doctrine now, by what process are you going about finding them and trying to set them right? And how do you know that when you change something you're becoming more RIGHT rather than more WRONG? I mean, if God's Word is 'clear' and changeless, shouldn't you have gotten this right all along? And since you didn't, what changed? Did you find a new Bible verse or correct a botched translation... or did a concentrated national campaign create the pro-life movement as a means of making Christians the tools of conservative political power?" Anyway, that got a little off the rails, but the point is this: if you're going to say you were wrong in the past and right now, you need to A) admit that you're probably still wrong (about something, or maybe a lot of things), and B) examine the process by which you changed your mind and prove that it's actually moving you in the right direction.

5b. Because if that process of changing one's mind exists outside the text of the Bible -- that is, if perfecting Christianity is all a matter of hermeneutics, and much of it utterly eisegetical to fit a changing social context -- then why even have the text at all? If a historically-situated interpreter decides the ultimate meaning of the Bible, then Christianity isn't really based on the Bible. It's based on historical context, with the Bible in service to it. So why even have the Bible? Because if you can have pro-war and anti-war Christians, as well as pro-welfare and anti-welfare Christians, as well as pro-choice and anti-choice Christians, as well as pro-gay-marriage and anti-gay-marriage Christians (etc), then the Bible isn't really deciding any of these arguments.

6. The folks who want to do away with gender, right now, immediately, probably don't have a very good grasp of how the dialectic plays out historically. So many people think that Marx's point was revolution, but I think that Marx's elaboration of Hegel was, in essence, a pragmatic philosophy. He believed that certain cultures were ready for certain kinds of revolution, and others weren't. With that in mind, consider this: a person believes that there are only two genders. What's easier? To get them to believe that gender doesn't exist at all, or to get them to believe that there are MORE than two genders? I propose the latter, if only because it allows them to keep some aspect of their belief (that gender does exist, just a different number) and, moreover, it doesn't force them to forfeit their own experience of gender (even though it does force them to re-situate it somewhat). I say we multiply the number of boutique genders and micro-identities until there are as many non-binary appellations as there are people --- because when we've done that, the concept of gender will have merged with the concept of individuality, self-definition will have superseded the constraints of gender norms, and gender, the oppressive social tool, will have lost its utility to oppress, and it will just naturally fade away. By the way, look at how the same thing has happened, historically, with religion. Sure, there were atheists many centuries ago, at a time when most people only knew about one or two religions, but look at how much easier atheism is now. Not simply because we live in an age of science and evidence-based belief, but because we live in an age where you're only a click or two away from a list of every religion, every sect and denomination divided by some pointless hyper-specific quibble, and every deity that a culture once believed in but no more. Atheism does not flourish in an era of one religion and one god, but in an era, as we have now, of thousands of religions and thousands of gods. The more there are, and the more we make, the more constructed and fake they all seem, and the more useless they become.

7. Another paper I'll never write but wish I had time for: Gendering Deixis: 2nd-person narration in POV pornography and Choose-Your-Own-Adventure. Because the "you" of both genres is always a gendered "you." What effect does this have?

8. Evolution has designated childhood as a site of curiosity: a space where the mind orients itself to the world, discovers will, interest, and desire, and as such develops its sense of self even as it playfully learns how to learn. As long as this curiosity remains self-directed and volitional, the child will appear to be scatterbrained, flitting from one question to the next, from one object of attention to the next, from one subject to the next. Children appear utterly incapable of the comparatively simply adult task of sitting still and focusing attention on one thing. But they are perfectly capable of focusing their attention, perhaps with more acuity than some of us have as adults, on objects or events which have high interest to them. As a kid, I remember visiting the Indianapolis Children's Museum and being fascinated for literally hours with an interactive display that taught how erosion worked using sand and water. And this is very good for the mind as long as the child directs this process (with supervision, of course). What isn't good for the mind is when this line of interest and attention is dictated from some source other than the child. And that's why so much children's TV and internet content is absolutely ruining children. Ideal children's television might consist of a special TV with thousands of channels, all on different topics, with information presented slowly and methodically, and the child could change channels at will or decide not to watch at all. The more boring the programming, the more the child would be master of their own curiosity, and the more the child would direct learning and identity-formation (as it should be). Instead, what we have is television which puts children in a constant state of alarm, full of intense sound and visuals, bright colors, fast editing, and unpredictable shifts in content. The child is made to feel as though they can't look away, and thus, their innate sense of curiosity, a good thing when it is self-directed, is hijacked by a corporate product and directed from the outside, in service to a profit-model. Every time the child is about to volitionally change their attention, the program anticipates this and introduces some new surprising stimulus, grabbing their attention right back. Which is to say, the program thinks FOR them. This bombardment of images stops the process of identity-formation, probably in a similar way to how famine experienced in childhood changes health outcomes for the rest of life. This is very bad.

9. Boredom may in fact be the most crucial crossroads of childhood: a moment in which you must either find a way to engage yourself, and thus become a subject with interests and will, or resign/consign/abandon yourself to the status of an object, forever allowing other forces to choose your mind for you, forever allowing others to craft, cultivate, use, extract, and deplete you. And since, of course, capitalism wants people to function as commodity-objects -- reservoirs of exchangeable labor-power -- it serves capitalism perfectly well to inundate children with programming that subverts their acquisition of full selfhood.

10. And that's really what media studies is about: how do media use the user?

#10 new

4 notes · View notes

liveyourjam-blog · 4 years

Text

The Secret to A Fulfilling Life

My mission is to help people lead more fulfilling lives. What I call Jam. I’ve been doing this work long enough to see the paradox in seeking fulfillment. The idea that fulfillment is something to attain, a destination, something we can enter into google maps if create the right action plan and script the right moves. The paradox is this – how can something so inherently intrinsic as fulfillment be found outside of us?

I’ve recently moved to a new country. I’ve taken the change as an opportunity to slow down while we transition our boys. The time has allowed me to re-commit myself to some of the tools and resources that have always been helpful (but hard to sustain) in my spiritual and personal growth.

Jam isn’t linear…

In my coaching practice, the client creates goals and I support the client in achieving their goals. Goal setting can be a linear process, but as with most things in life, the circuitous journey (whatever we discover about ourselves along the way) is equally, if not more, valuable.

In coaching people to Live their Jam, the notion that there is a linear process for leading a fulfilling life is misleading. And most importantly, it places our attention in the wrong direction. As I stated, Jam isn’t something outside of ourselves that we have to go searching for, and even if we reach it, we don’t get a golden ticket to sustainment. This can only mean one thing.

Drum roll…

We can only live a fulfilled life by consciously choosing the present moment.

I think we have all heard this before. But, why is it so difficult to live in the present moment? You would think with all the advances in modern science, technology and mental health we could find fulfillment! Yet, it’s gotten more elusive. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting around 40 million adults — almost 1 in 5 people. Let’s take a look at what’s getting in our way of Living our Jam.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t live in the present moment; we live in the future.

Beware of Destination Addiction – A preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job and with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

It’s true we all think that wanting the next thing is the voice of our true self, but it’s not. As Eckhart Tolle says, “The ego is lacking. It’s in a constant state of always wanting more.” We have all experienced the insatiable wanting of the ego. If we get that job, that car, that bonus, that vacation. If our child gets into that school or plays that sport. If that person thinks we are smart, or if we can prove how competent we are, THEN life will be (outstanding, awesome, perfect). That’s not living the present. It’s a never-ending cycle of, “I don’t have something and when I do have that something — my life will be amazeballs!” (Something = material thing, relationship, job, prestige, legitimacy.)

Living in the future-thought cycle ensures one thing – we will never be content.

When we let the ego tell us what is important in our life, our life becomes driven by unexamined intentions and automatic reactions to the world. We get further and further away from ourselves. So far, in fact, that we can’t even create what we want any more — because we don’t really know what fulfills us.

Our ego may even mislead us to what our Jam is! Many have pursued a dream that wasn’t our own! We love our parents and family and often confuse their wanting for our path. Or for some of us, our lack of fulfillment leads to a life where we become too involved, too enmeshed in the pursuits of our children.

Our ego weaves and holds the story we tell ourselves about our lives, so it’s understandable that many of us have pursued a path that was not of our own making. When we quiet the ego, Jam can be found as we sense what authentically lights us up. And, as we stay in the present moment, we can truly feel what appeals to us and what does not without the critique of the ego.

Many of us live in the past.

Another preoccupation of the ego is to live in the past. Those of us who live in the past either relish or regret what was. We prefer our identity back then or we return to the past because we don’t like what the future holds. When we live in the past, our narrative is trapped in time and can be heard in our lack of acceptance and responsibility for our current situation.

The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.

When we realize that lasting fulfillment isn’t “out there” or “back there” we are free to mindfully give our attention completely to what we are experiencing in the NOW.

Let’s look at another way we stay out of the present moment and away from our Jam…

Most of us push away “challenging” feelings.

We spend so much of our time actively avoiding pain or disappointment that we forfeit now. Two ways we avoid challenging emotions are: 1) trivializing and, 2) moving into action.

For example, our neighbor gets a new car and remodels their home. We instantly feel mixed. We are happy for them but, we don’t like the ugly pangs of jealousy and inadequacy. So, we deny it! We make it “bad” rather than just is. Or perhaps we suppress the feeling and turn our minds to work on how we can afford to remodel our home!

Some of us make the mistake of equating painful feelings only to the “big things” like depression or the death of a loved one. We let go of these feelings that are part of human existence. Feelings of not belonging, not being good enough, not being liked. These feelings can come through even in the most common of situations! That’s why social media can be so unhealthy. The images and popularity can leave us feeling woefully inadequate. It’s okay to have these feelings – the key is to stay in the present moment and become skilled at noticing them from a distance. It is in this objective stand that they can exist but not have such a hold on us.

Here’s what works.

Accepting our feelings and reactions to situations is healthy. We can then move into conscious action. For example, limiting our exposure to social media would be conscious action after noticing and sitting with the anxiety we might feel after we peruse sites. Or, noticing we have personality traits that we don’t like, but accepting them nonetheless. Doing this allows us to be more whole – to experience all of ourselves and not just compartments.

Our impulse is usually either to try to deny our pain, by suppression or self-medication or to get caught up in dwelling on it through rumination and worry, allowing it to take charge of our lives. How will you know the difficulties of being human, if you are always flying off to blue perfection? Where will you plant your grief seeds? We need ground to scrape and hoe, not the sky of unspecified desire.”

We are NOT our habitual thoughts and emotions

One of the most liberating and beautiful truths is that we are not that voice in our heads. When we give our thoughts and emotions too much power they can overcome us. Through meditation and other mindfulness practices, we can train ourselves to look at our thoughts and emotions and not necessarily silence them, but distance ourselves. Game Changer!

We can look at our emotions and thoughts objectively and do nothing but observe them! We can later decide how we want to think, feel, and react. And, even when our mind wanders as it will in meditation, we can learn not to judge it. As Dr. Herbert Benson, founder of the Mind/Body Medical Institute at Massachusetts General Hospital suggests, when our mind wanders we can simply say to ourselves, “Oh well.” And, put our attention right back on our meditation (our breath, our body, our visualization).

There is nothing more important to true growth than recognizing you are not the voice of the mind. You are the one that hears it.

How do you know if you are living in the present moment?

If you are aware of your thoughts and emotions, then you are in the present moment. The mind has two areas. The thinking mind and the observing mind — both are extremely valuable. We tend to over-rely on the thinking mind in the Western hemisphere. But, the observing mind is what ancient traditions have taught to live in the present moment. Try to observe what you are thinking. Notice the voice, let the voice do all its talking and just observe. That’s the present moment. You don’t have to try too hard, the voice will talk and you just have to listen and know that the voice is not YOU.

Jam exists in the present moment!

No matter where I have lived, nature has been my portal to presence. Nature is central to the Swiss way of life. And once again, nature has gifted me with a clarity that is transformative. I will serve others to lead a fulfilling life through the present moment.

Jam exists in the present moment because when we are focused on what we are doing and enjoying it — we are at peace and in connection with our true self (God, the universe, our soul). And, when we face adversity in the present moment, we can just take that as information, too. Information not to be ignored or dramatized, but as information that is also a part of who we are. It’s so simple and yet our modern life has complicated what we know. That we each have our own access to Jam – Every. Day.

#fulfillment #mindfulliving #liveyourjam

0 notes

thegloober · 6 years

Text

How Parents Can Teach Boys to Deal With Rejection

Stories of men responding to rejection badly are an online literary staple, a genre of micro-nonfiction. Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook are piled high with brutal recollections. “When I turned a guy down for a 2nd date, he became angry, telling me he ‘knew’ I was into him,” @I_Am_StephanieD recently wrote on Twitter. “For the next 8 months, he showed up at my office and home repeatedly. Each time insisting he was ‘giving me a chance’ to change my mind [sic] bc I was ‘so stupid’ not to go out with him again.”

That’s far from the worst of it. “I was out at a concert with a friend,” an anonymous Tumblr user wrote in September. “Some guy approached me and started talking to me and trying to make advances; I tried to make it clear I wasn’t interested. He didn’t get the message so I blatantly told him I wasn’t. He got angry and punched me in the face.”

The worst stories aren’t told in the first person. In August of this year, a 14-year-old boy from Oklahoma stabbed a girl after she rejected him romantically. In August, a Tennessee woman declined to give a man at the gas station her phone number, prompting him to jump on top of her car, punch through her window, and drag her out by her hair. In 2014, a Connecticut teen was sentenced to 25 years after stabbing his 16-year-old classmate to death after she rejected his prom proposal. In April of this year, a 25-year-old self-described “incel” by the name of Alek Minassian ran over a dozen women in Toronto, killing them all. He said he was inspired by Elliot Rodgers, another “incel” who perpetrated a mass shooting in 2014 to “get back at women who had rejected him.”

Data suggests parents of daughters should be scared. More than half of American women who are murdered are murdered by men. More than 90 percent of those are perpetrated by men that women already know, most commonly a current or former romantic partner. For women, men who know them are more dangerous than men who are strangers.