#that was the first time ive ever really felt like that

[simplydnp]

be honest with me. what are the chances of a hard launch in june

anon this question goes back years. and the thing is. we have been right once before.

you ask me this this time last year? fuck no. i might even quip that dapg would come back before dnp would hard launch. well. look at us now.

and even then, you look back on the content they started with in the revival--it honestly kind of felt exactly like where we left off, only a lot more explicitly queer (we stan). and then... trying to see without my glasses 2. and bang, spooky week happened. and that shifted the balance. we suddenly got slo-mo replays of handholds. day, after day, after day, finishing with the absolute masterpiece of halloween baking cinnamon rolls. in all honesty it was so much more than i'd've ever expected from them. truly another post-baking universe.

and it never really slowed down. suddenly we had cat prom photos, catboy butlers, catboy dan w/ phil photography credit, theyre 'wrestling' --running us full throttle into gamingmas, the first since 2017. and every day we had a new thing to freak out over: standing close. golf jokes. and then... pinof reacts. i don't know what compelled them to do it but i do have speculations. genuinely, i think they wanted to defang a lot of their history. we treated pinof 1, especially, with this... reverance. and it wasn't talked about too publicly--and dnp didnt do it either. so if they really wanted to move on, to bring down the walls, open the floodgates, define this new era: they had to throw the first stone. and they did. quite heartily too. suddenly this almost taboo part of their history--almost too intimate to be perceived--was on the table. and we were talking about it. joking about it. giving clear signals of 'we see it, it's okay.' and suddenly we existed in a post-pinof reacts world. of anything, i would've never predicted they would've done that. absolutely wild. follow that with it takes two being so chill and fond. incohearant being so blatant and heartfelt. trombone champ being unhinged and chaotic. the genuine and sweet complimenting of each other in the red carpet video. devan wedding... happilyphoreverafter... we crashed forward in time. never knowing what would be next. where is the line? how far will they go.

they teased us with japhan honeymoon and we knew 2024 would be wild. but we didn't know how much. from wdapteo 2023, to specific reminiscing about japan w/ devan, WAD happening, and phil playing a huge role in it all--from the orange carpet hosting, to 'ive been in *sex noises* with phil from the start!', to 'remote crisis manager phil lester', to dan saying he can stay during the thank you.

one of the biggest videos so far this year was the tiktok likes one. i will be forever haunted by the dog eating cheeseburger and willy wonka tiktoks--theres some things i was never meant to know. and yet. they tell us. explicitly.

every single video on amazingphil since the return of dapg has mentioned or featured dan. there's been a palpable shift in the way they interact. have you seen the way phil has been glowing in videos lately? this guy is on cloud nine all the time. it's really not hard to see why.

the energy of keep or yeet w/ dan... the absolute Lack of pretense of it all. phan twitter... watch your step baby girl...

dan and phil fucking crafts. talk about an unexpected return. legacy defining, one might even say. we're still in this tailspin of what everything means and they drop this insanely iconic video on us. from the storytelling to the production to the aesthetic--and its all capped off by explicit handholding. yes, it was part of the sacrifice. but hand in hand, the heart dan ripped from phils chest in one, and the knife that did it in the other... oh boy. we're really in it now. and then they put it on fucking merch. genius. truly no one does it like them.

and the foot has been on the accelerator since. dan and phil connections, shuffleboard & mocktails, getting deep slumber party, acknowledgement & approval of fics (yes previously given but never like this)--hell, even the sims today was wild for 'is their love language horrible banter 👀'.

you didn't ask for an essay but i gave you one. all of this to say, they've been moving the line. quite intentionally so. they intentionally revived their joint branding. they are 'dan and phil' again, and seem happier than ever about it, and i think that means something. they're saying things they never would have before--out of the closet or not.

as for june... 5 years since coming out is a big deal. so is this year being 15 years of dnp. hell, so is this year for being the first out pride month where they're explicitly a duo and regularly making content together. they're sentimental, there will be something.

my craziest idea is reacting to their coming out videos ✌️😔 --but i don't think it'll actually happen. as for more realistic, i could see pride merch. and however that goes will be significant, in my opinion. i'm excited and curious.

i don't know if they'll hard launch. it's hard to put all of the implications, complications, and speculations back into the box once it's opened. dan's talked about it before--wanting to be able to fuck up and not be publically executed, instead, being able to learn and grow and work it out. i think that's a very understandable stance to have. very grounded. we'd have to ask him if tour/dapg has changed that now. i do think he's had some sort of life epiphany--whether it's about that specifically, only he can say. but i think it's there.

even if i portray a lot of level-headedness, i wear my clown nose with pride. sometimes the only option is to go with whatever is funniest at the time. they're both jokesters, so they could commit to a bit like that. but it's also like, it can be too serious for them to want to joke about. i don't know. i think we're in this almost beautiful state right now--the we know you know of it all. there's no expectations, no demands to be met, no obligations of types of content. they're happy. we're happy. it depends on if they feel ready. if they want to. we'll be here, always.

#that is to say. marraige hill is starting to get crowded boys. so if you could. do something about that. thatd be great #im sure there's things ive missed but basically it comes down to this: realistically? maybe. & thats a lot fucking closer than its ever been #theyre having fun. and that means im having fun #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #phan #<- for the fandometrics #answered

[voltt-shockwing]

Huh, my first ever night post, was watching a horror movie earlier with friends, many of them I do not know, I felt comfortable near them digitally, I might hop in on more movie nights for fun

#nightblog #i actually felt quite calm #that was the first time ive ever really felt like that #and im starting to cry while writing this

[rottmnt-brainrot-hours]

I connected the dots (ie I saw two rottmnt dtiys challenges involving cars and decided to combine them)

AU crossover time! Featuring @angelpuns's Leo and @onionninjasstuff's Donnie and Mikey.

They saw Barbie in theaters, robbed the US government, and got ice cream afterward.

(In my mind this is post villain pb+j "redemption", meaning they're still gleefully destructive, but now also get along with their long lost family.)

Bonus:

#leo can have a little crime. as a treat #(i really didn't want it to be angsty) #this might be the most involved peice of fanart ive ever attempted #was it fun? yes. was it a pain in the butt? also yes #pizza supreme i had to draw CARS for this! #fun fact- Donnies gun is based off of a nerf gun. it felt like the right amount of extra #also: this is my first time using alt text. image ids are harder than i thought #rottmnt #rottmnt fanart #rottmnt fancomic #my art #rottmnt dtiys #rottmnt au #villain pb&j duo #kid leo au #unrealistic sci fi gun but jic #tw gun #cw gun #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt leo #rottmnt raph

[bulbabutt]

so me n sibling finished rise rewatch with all the newfound turtle lore after our big tmnt media binge......... many feelings i wanna get out

firstable........ how anyone watched this show and didnt think those were the ninja turtles in purest form i will never understand. like you cannot deny any of these characters being the same characters but with new roles to fill. raph is the protector. mikey is the heart. leo is the strategist. donnie is the brain. it just created a new dynamic, but never strayed very far from what came before

second....... take the ninja turtles and just hammer home a story about generational trauma and healing from it, giving them strength from how much they love and trust each other.... you break my heart wide open i am crying

to me they are the best amalgamation of all the turtles who came before them like: silly and sweet like 87, they have this close familial understanding unconditional love like 03, and this overarching story of bringing a family back together like 12

started this watch of all turtle media because rise on its own felt so good, but having gone back and seen all the other pieces i was missing makes me appreciate what it was doing more, because i felt every other series and movie in this one in spirit, but with the ideals of the modern cartoon saying: hey kids, its okay to ask for help, youre not alone, your feelings matter, and the people around you should support you

and on top of that, obviously the most visually stunning version to date, utilizing years of lessons learned from western cartoons and anime, meshing together in breathtaking action, but also having the most hilariously snappy comedic animation that uses what seem like cheap movements of a frame to make every line of dialogue all the more hysterical, and having these very expressive characters be able to be very subtle in the touching emotional moments.

i genuinely love this show so much and i feel really stupid for not having watched it sooner, and the fact it is the shortest of all the shows that never got the chance to finish its story makes me so sad. but at least what story it did get to tell was beautiful.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #save rottmnt #unpause rise of the tmnt #tmnt #thoughts #idk i have a lot of feelings about them and im sad people didnt give it a chance #and for the dumbest reasons too #listen to me when i tell you every other turtle show has had a weapon swap out and that that is the dumbest reason ive ever heard #bitches dont even know about 87 mikey and his grappling hook #or the 2 times in 03 they got new weapons #or the fact 12 mikey has a kusarigama #but really they made leo not a leader so they could make him a character on his own and he really does shine #im just sad he didnt get to finish his arc of becoming leader #anyway....yes i finally watched this show in the first place because i saw an amv of raph with surface pressure #and as a bitch with oldest sibling traumas i was like uh oh is this for me #and it was! #i dunno sorry for long post out of nowhere as someone whos been uh... no talky on internet for past.....5 years? #its just unearthed a want to be creative in me and i genuinely havent felt passion like that in all that time

[despite-everything]

okay this isn't going to be the most nuanced take but it's something i know i'm going to be thinking about for a long time... i honestly really liked how they dealt with izzy attempting suicide.

i know not everyone will appreciate it, but (and this is a little dark and a little personal, so bear with me) as someone who has failed to kill themselves with a shot to the head, i actually feel seen. i didn't tell anyone when it happened. i woke up, heartbroken that it didn't work, and was able to hide my injuries enough that i didn't tell anyone what i'd done - or tried to do - until years later. seeing ed's spiral and erratic descent into active suicidality hurts and is sad, but that wasn't what any of my experiences have been like. but izzy? getting back up and fucking trying for a better life after he failed? that really fucking resonates.

i'm sure some people won't like the way that it was (or more accurately, was not) handled, and who knows. maybe i'll change my mind. but for now, i feel like a little part of my soul has settled for the first time in a decade, and i'm incredibly grateful for it.

#this is okay to rb but dont be a dick. i dont care if you dont like izzy as a character this is also about my real life #you know its like... things didnt get better for me for a while after that. #i tried again multiple times and was in and out of the hospital for a while #and a decade later i still struggle with it #but this is honestly the first time ive ever seen someone attempt suicide in media where i actually felt catharsis #and im really fucking grateful for that #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd spoilers #izzy hands #our flag means death #tree talks #suicide mention

[turkeydinner-jpeg]

✧\(>o<)ﾉ✧

#went to my first metal concert ever tonight. holy shit i had such a good time #that was one of the most fun concerts ive ever been to #i didnt really join the pit or anything caus eof my platforms #but i brought my sketchbook and drew a couple of the performers and i got so many compliments!! #i felt like a mini celebrity for a minute #very fun. the venue is super cool too absolutely love the vibes #goth #goth fashion #alt fashion #fashion #style #original post #goth girl

[camptw1nk]

i miss. the vibes of the rpc a few years back

#things just felt more. community based #people interacted more w each other on the dash and it felt like people were really there to interact and not just for a follower count #its probably rose colored glasses in a lot of ways bc thats when i was most active so thats when it was most enjoyable but #idk there was just something ab the days where u could have 50 followers and always be interacting w most of them #these days ill get 200 followers and the same 5 mutuals interacting all the time #and like. huge shoutout to them they know who they are but those people make this site worth being on #its just. idk its tiring when a lot of time is spent yelling into the void that is the dash and getting nothing back #and to some extent timezones r to blame and also my lack of writing but its. its not just a lately thing #its been getting worse for years and i think this is really the first time ive ever been like. not active on tumblr? #like im here but a couple of years ago the idea of me having a main blog and barely ever logging in or writing was absurd #i would be online and writing 24/7 if not here then on discord and wire #bc people were always around to interact with and now its just like. oh weve all grown up and become adults and no one has time #for each other anymore and its very. thats life thats how it is but it sucks idk #maybe this is 2 some extent projection also bc thats how things r irl rn but thats just. tahts not important

[indulgnc]

continued first allergy livetweet:…

… ok so its mostly calmed down but my nose was tickling so much for the next hour and i had to talk to people and kept almost hitching.??

like i said i literally. rubbed my fingers w pollen on my nose on purpose to see if im actually allergic and. guess i am it sure felt like it (my eyes and nose felt so weird) but i didn’t actually sneeze

but. i remembered. ive been taking a low dose of an antihistamine (atarax) for anxiety. i…. wonder how it would go without taking that.

i did induce once in the bathroom and. i couldnt stifle it agh and the itch is just worse now

um. anyway. locust tree pollen. will have to keep that one in mind.

#i feel… really really embarrassed and shy but also really cute. #ahaha …. #also i know this is a new allergy . bc i used to have this tree in my backyard and it did nothing #so i guess i developed it…. #blushing literally typing this. im serious this is the first time ive ever been allergic to something its so foreign.?? #this is like the fics troupes i always write. what the hell. #that sneeze felt so relieving though wat fhe fuck

[ark1os]

.

#i felt so good after talking to my therapist about the issue w my dad #and i didnt even come to any new conclusions or anything i just told her whats been on my mind what im struggling with and why im so afraid #to confront him and she validated me #which honestly was so new to me? like everytime italked about it it felt like people didnt see the seriousness and why im struggling so muc #with it #like Why are you so afraid of your dad. Why do you have such a hard time. Just do it . Just deal with it. girl i would if it was so easy #but she didnt react like this at all & she didnt ask anything that implied she might be thinking this way too. im v blessed alhamdulillah #she suggested to tell him that i want to wear the hijab through the phone for my own safety (which isnt an option personally but i #really appreciated the thought behind it) #and she also told me that i shouldnt do it if i dont feel ready yet to face him and its like. the first time ever someone told me this lol #she said i shouldnt put more weight on my shoulders because the situation will be a lot worse if i m not prepared #i do feel ready now though ive been dealing with this for months im just so so so scared. im so scared iwant to cry all the time #anyway. ive been sleeping much worse than usually and im waking up completely covered in sweat which is #so disgusting. i was worried that im sick or smth (cancer lol) but realised it started w ramadan!!! which is when i made up my mind when #i will talk to him #may Allah help me may Allah protect me #im about to cry again aaa

[exlimix1a]

Hey Hey hey hgey hey guys. have you heard that sheezy.art is coming back

#HONEST TO GOD I REALLY REAAALLAY WOULD BE STOKED TO BE ON SHEEZY WITH ALL OF YOU!! #idk how many people who follow me know what sheezy art is #but its a website that was an homage to the original sheezyart that i was never on bc it was before my time #but its an art sharing platform that ran from 2020 to 2022 (when it started popping off as a bunch of artists began to share it and also #when i joined the website) #but shortly after the devs decided to close it bc they were all college students and the website was exploding faster than they could keep #p #but after some time. they have graduated #and they missed sheezy so much #that theyre bringing it back and wanting to dedicate their careers to it #Sheezy was legitimately the first website i ever truly felt excited to post my work to #You would get people liking your work and you could see other people's work and it was so friendly and beautiful and customizable #like an art sharing website would be #and i was sooo heartbroken to have it shut down but ofc i was happy for the devs for setting that boundary and leaving when they had to!! #but im SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR IT TO BE BACK #legitimately i promise you the community is better than any art site ive ever been on since then #the discord for it has opened again and in late November the website will open again #first in beta for the people who already had accounts when it closed but then itll open for new folks #oh im so fucking excited #and i want you guys to be excited too!!!!! #im so stoked #i love you guys ok #mwah ah

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say..... #it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me. #i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable. #bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there. #dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH???? #my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way. #Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer. #Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this? #For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this. #why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness? #What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...? #hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!! #i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful. #but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting. #I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing. #I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come. #Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

[loafbud]

The first Splatoon game turned 8 yesterday!

#the last (and first) time i drew anniversary art for the first game was when it turned 1 year #imna use the tags to be all sappy real quick: #ive been a huge fan of the splatoon series since the first game & have played it since day one #splatoon is the first time ive grown up with a game series from the beginning #like i knew it was gonna be a successful game that'd eventually grow and become a series w/ a cool fanbase #for first/third person shooter games (esp multiplayer)- i could never call myself a fan of those #but the moment splatoon debuted in an e3 trailer??? it took a concept i'd normally go meh to- but made it into smthn colorful/unique #like??? weeks after the announcement i was already gushing over what the lore would be in their universe #it got really tiring seeing all the hate it received- id watch ppl stream it out of interest and their chat'd be like uggh this ass title? #or id watch gamers do one single lets play of it and be like oh ok i can see how this game is fun (me assuming they'd doubt it's potential) #but to see how much splatoon as a series has grown has me kinda emotional ngl #like yeah sure theres still ppl outside the fandom who has (or still has since the 1st game) sour opinions about it #but ever since the fandom grew over those 8 years- it feels like the love for this series outshines that #but man.... i said this already on twt but i remember going to my first color run event locally w/ my family #(this happened weeks before the game came out btw) -but id have my phone out with the inklings on my screen #and id look at my phone & feel this happiness (that i havent felt in a while tbh) at being in an event that had a lot of colors in it #and at the time seeing all the powdered colors flying everywhere at the end of the race reminded me of splatoon sm i was like raaaaah #WOW SORRY FOR THE LONG TAGS LOL #BUT YEAH- I LOVE THIS SERIES (thats all i wanted to say) #splatoon #splatoon anniversary #splatoon 8th anniversary #fanart #loafbud

[st4rstudent]

Questioni, whoms art thou? (What does your toon look like?)

👀

Orb Giblets (Imagine I'm looking off to the sky)

If you're talking about ingame, here's what he looks like!

I usually go with the right one bc I think it looks better, but the yellow hypno glasses were apart of the fit for so long (++ they help bring out the yellow) that sometimes I still wear them for fun

Art wise, here's a quick sketch-that-got-out-of-hand of him

I have an older post of the first time I drew him so the styles a bit.. outdated but its colored.

I'll write more about him in the tags as to not make this post longer than needed

#orb giblets #clemart #not putting this in the ttcc tag #nevermind it went in the tag anyways im embarassed #anyways the first time i drew him i didnt really draw his snout bc i didnt understand how to. #the theme with him is graduation bc of the hat so the gown he's wearing is supposed to be a sort of graduation gown. this was mainly just t #match with the hat but also bc i started to pick back up ttcc a lot more when i was closer to graduating hs #he has a little mouse tail as a reminiscence of his old self (used to be a mouse) and also bc i like drawing long tails but have found out #loathe linearting them #ongoing bit that after he graduated he runs a berry review channel on yt but theyre all rotten. all the berries in his basket are rotten an #smell really bad and also he loves to burrow and dig so the gown is torn and dirty at the bottoms and hes not helpful at all to the #resistance. no one invited him . he sees a cog and starts burrowing #also his fingers are claws but i decided to be merciful and give him cartoon physics so he can move them now #also clem funfact the star on the top part of the gown is not a button its just a design with the shirt bc ever since i was young #ive had this weird discomfort of (the texture of) buttons which is also why if you've noticed. i dont draw suits or anything with buttons #felt the need to share just for clarity . scratches my head you probably didnt need to know that #anyways i hope this answered your question ! smile #i might color that drawing in later i kindof like it #clemask

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i really do love practicing 🎻

#i'm in music school so now it's a much more significant source of my already very significant fears #but practicing only feels stressful when i don't do it enough and i'm trying to 'catch up' #some weeks fly past me like hurricanes and i get to my lesson and i can't say i've made any progress and that fucks me up #and i don't think that's ever going away- like i'll always have weeks like that cuz everyone has bad days and bad weeks #from time to time #but when i plan correctly (which is becoming more and more the norm for me) my practicing is something im really proud of :) #i have a System. i didn't do very well before i had it and i would die without it now. #i get excited about learning! i get excited having realizations abt things to change or work on when i practice! #it feels experimenty a lot of the time and i like it!!! #i have a lot of catching up to do in terms of comparing myself to others but i'm not here for them i'm here for me #i will do my best and i will learn from others of course but my goals are to make my Me better first and worry abt other people later #i won't lose sight of that #<- and when it doesn't feel experimenty it can be calming to just be like okay ik what i need to do now just. Practice. Repeat. #i mean music is a fucking rollercoaster and sometimes you are at the bottom and i hate that but it comes w the territory #sometimes you're just Stuck but you do get past it and in those moments i just try to think back to previous times ive felt like that #ive felt horribly shitty before and gotten through it and come out the other side slightly better! #life is like that i think #anyways. hashtag iris loves music and being a musician 🙄 nothing new over here hehe

[hella1975]

im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia

#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT #but also i just. cannot hack it #'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also #like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently #and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good #and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home #so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN #and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum #that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job #like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good #and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications #and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-' #and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no #like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set #on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through #is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through #ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL #and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there #but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree #(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use #and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person #to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer #bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly #and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident #and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people) #i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments #i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it #yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment #i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up #hella goes to uni