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words-of-wolf · 2 months

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do you differentiate between being a wolf in a past life from being a werewolf? how's being a wolf and a werewolf different, to you? :O

The fun part is, I mostly don't differentiate!

Being a wolf therian and a werewolf are very deeply intertwined for me. For the longest time, I just called myself a wolf therian, and was mostly okay with that. But the werewolf feelings were always there too. I always thought of myself as a werewolf, I just didn't use the label.

It's... hmm. I'm not werewolfkin, if that makes sense? I'm just a werewolf. And my experiences as a werewolf aren't tied at all to mythological or folklore ideas of that - I'm not some savage beast craving human flesh under the light of the full moon ahah! (Though anyone who is that is valid).

The best way I've found to explain it is that my identity as a wolf is past tense: it's what I was. My identity as a werewolf is present tense: it's what I am now.

The difference is that, what I perceive as wolf experiences are primarily in the form of memories, noema, etc. - deeply meaningful to me, but disconnected from my present life.

My experiences as a werewolf are what happens when those experiences are filtered through a human body, and - most crucially - a human mind.

Internally, my self-perception is that I "should", perhaps, be a wolf... along with all that entails. Including the different senses, the different cognitive abilities, the different instincts.

But what I am now isn't literally wolf. Sometimes that causes me dysphoria. The deepest dysphoria I've felt hasn't related to my body, but my mind - how I think and feel. Even if my soul is wolf, it's operating on human hardware and that has a profound impact on who I am, and even how I experience my wolfhood.

So... I'm a human who is wolf. I'm a wolf person.

But the way that feels most true to articulate my feelings is that I'm just a werewolf. I'm what a werewolf is in real life, in this world. This world's version of werewolves: some guy who doesn't shapeshift, but will get amped up when the moon's right and will absolutely bite you if you piss them off enough.

I'd say, as well, that there's some things I experience as a werewolf that I didn't experience as a wolf - and those things are human experiences, but mixed in with wolf ones. As a werewolf, I'd say my experiences feature anger more prominently, because as a human I sure find a lot to be angry about. So my werewolf self-perception is more keyed towards aggression, but interestingly that part is actually rooted in the human side of being a werewolf, not the animal side. And it mixes together in the sense that a very human anger (like political anger) gets presented in an animal way (wanting to run, snarl, tear things apart, bite, etc.).

Calling myself a werewolf is really deeply euphoric for me. ^u^ Not entirely sure what's in that feeling yet. But I restrained myself from talking about myself in that sense for so many years, because I felt like I shouldn't, it was misleading, wolf therian is more accurate, etc. And at the end of the day that restraint never served me, just kept me from embracing one part of my experiences, and calling myself the word that makes me most happy.

(Pokes that post I made recently about self-indulgence. Seriously. Stop policing yourself, be free).

I think another thing tied up in this is that I wouldn't in this life want to transform into a wolf and live as a wolf forever - that would suck actually. What brings me most comfort is the idea of transformation between wolf, human, and in-between forms. The idea of being able to transform in that way is also super euphoric for me!

And if I was given some chance to permanently change form, ultimately the form I'd opt for is like how people often think of werewolves - something between wolf and human, but in a more wild and animalistic way than a furry-style anthro, and more deeply inhuman than kemonomimi. Something that looks and feels animal, while still having the traits I like about being human (hands with opposable thumbs my beloved).

It's interesting to think about this! Because my wolf therian and werewolf identities are really deeply linked, but they're still distinct to me. But in a way, they feel like two expressions of the same core feeling and experience - wolf therian as a past tense connection to a life I feel I lived as a real, biological wolf; and werewolf as a present tense experience of being wolf as a human, and living a human life as a wolf.

#otherkin #therian #therianthropy #wolf therian #wolfkin

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bywandandsword · 8 months

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Friends, it is so hard being the only social scientist in a class of ecologists, it really is

It's a Human Dimensions of Conservation and Ecology class, basically, how are conservation and ecology efforts affect and are affected by people. From asking around, few if any of my classmates have ever considered this question, which is absolutely wild to me! We got assigned to groups to do the semester project in and every Friday we do group discussions on the week's topic of study and the semester project

Y'all

I spent half this class explaining to my group what the prof is calling the cognitive approach was when studying human behavior. Basically, it's that a person's values are socially constructed but the research indicates that one's values is not a good predictor of human behavior, because you also have to factor in things like norms, individual attitudes towards things, and behavioral intentions. The discussion prompt was to look at a social problem and apply the cognative approach to it. And y'all, my group mates could not wrap their heads around it or apply it for the life of them. Like, I don't think it's a difficult concept? And the prof explained it very thoroughly, so I have no idea what the disconnect was? It's like they've never had to look at how things are effected by multiple, conflicting factors before, which can't be the case cause ecology has that too. We're just applying it to humans and using variables that at qualitative, not quantitative

#Sword speaks #I'm going to end up giving my group a soc 101 crash course aren't I?#ffs

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fierceawakening · 10 months

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The fundamental disconnect here is about that context, I think. Yes, Justice and Mercy are real- provided there are humans to experience them. When thinking of a universe without sentient life, they would not exist. The "base assumption" for Death is this lifeless universe, while for you it is one that contains humans, and so you view these things as 100% real while Death does not. It's important to act with justice, with mercy, because the universe would not contain them if no one did. 2/2

Ahhh. Yeah. A universe with no sentient beings wouldn’t just be a universe without morality, it would be a universe where wondering what morality was wouldn’t even make any sense. I’m not sure why I should even consider it.

And I’m not sure it even has to be sentient beings.

The more we learn about animal cognition, the more it seems to me that animals have… I don’t know if it should be called instincts, or feelings, or even rudimentary thoughts. But they seem to dislike fairness also, for example.

To me, that indicates that the specialness humans (or the similar beings we keep dreaming up but not meeting. Aliens. Elves. Phyrexians. Personifications of death) have with respect to morality is how well we can describe or how complexly we can *ponder* justice or mercy, not so much whether without us no dolphin or crow or dog would have something more basic but at bottom similar.

Which means I can’t conceive of a world without those things, because that’s not just a world with no humans, it’s a world with no social animals whatsoever (and if there’s any sense to the concept of social plants or fungi or whatever else, none of that EITHER.)

As such it is so alien that my best wild guess is that every living creature would be wholly solitary and entirely indifferent to the other creatures. But I’m not convinced I can even properly conceive of that, because what drives you to reproduce? You just fuck, lay eggs, and leave? Everything everywhere on the planet is like that?

Does that even work? CAN that even work?

I don’t think I’m imaginative enough to conceive of it! I keep thinking someday I should write a story with a non social sapient animal as the protagonist just because it would be weird… but i don’t feel at all confident that I could pull it off, as I *am* a member of an intensely social species. I can’t imagine it wouldn’t keep crawling back in.

But… PTerry was also human. So I’m not sure I think HE can step outside it either. So I feel unconvinced that he can cogently say what’s outside it. Much less imagine a being who doesn’t have morality noticing it, figuring out what it’s for, finding that cool, and being willing to “make sure they believe little lies” to keep it going.

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ladybirdplace · 10 months

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Update

So, I haven’t been posting much at all anymore. I’ve mentioned before that it was due to OCD but I think I’ll elaborate now about that.

For over a year now, I’ve been in a shame spiral about some aspect of myself that I don’t find it pertinent to detail here, not to mention how long it would take to explain, how much eloquence I would have to use to explain why it has taken over my life.

But I want to say instead the way that it has impacted me. I’ve been severely depressed, suicidal on and off. My self esteem has plummeted and I’ve relapsed into negative patterns of thinking about myself from when I was younger.

While I know my negative thoughts about myself are irrational and my insecurities are very minor and are really not a big deal at all, I cannot help the way my brain flies off the handle because I’ve thought of myself in a certain way my entire life, and the cognitive dissonance is strong.

I’ve been feeling a lot of grief for the way I always wanted to be. I’ve dug deep into my own past to examine the way people have treated me in my life and what it caused me to think of myself.

I’ve tried, in many ways, to find out where I 'went wrong'. In reflecting on my younger self, I wonder how I could have possibly turned into the person I am now.

What’s more to the point, I feel that all the progress I made in my relationship with myself has been shattered, or at least blocked and is now unavailable.

I still love myself. That never changes. It is a part of me that can never be taken away. But my mind . . . It runs wild, and I can’t control it. I can’t control my intrusive thoughts about myself, and I need to train myself to not react to these thoughts.

However, being able to know whether they are your own real thoughts or not, whether they are some thought about yourself that you’ve pushed away and repressed is difficult, knowing that I have repressed certain things that I’ve thought about myself before.

It’s hard when you’ve only just found out you have OCD to figure out what you really think and what you don’t.

In past years, I’ve been able to identify my intrusive thoughts as non sequitur, often repellent thoughts that I didn’t want to have.

But the existential or self critical ones I can’t really parse.

And it’s even harder when a part of you enjoys your own misery and feels that that misery is part of who you are, and what your life is.

To make a long story short, I’ve felt disconnected from myself. I don’t feel the same free flowing constant conversation within myself as I did before. Looking at myself makes me feel embarrassed or numb. Some days it makes me gag to think of saying 'I love you' to myself.

I look at my posts here and feel like I'm a different person now. I feel like I didn’t write these posts. So it’s been hard to post because I feel like I’m not the owner of this blog right now.

And, I can only assume as a result of my depression and isolation, I feel like my brain is stagnating and I have nothing to say. I’m not as articulate and creative anymore.

But I am married. I made a promise to myself to love me, and care for me, and I’m not giving up, no matter how hard it is.

I've fought for my love once before, and I’ll do it again, and again after that, and I’ll fight for it until I’m dead, because a life as me, as myself, is the only life worth living to me.

And . . . I guess the point of this post is that, things go up and down. Sometimes it can seem like everything you do for yourself doesn’t matter when you’re constantly swamped with self judgement.

A self relationship can be just as if not more tumultuous as any. It can be violent and scary and traumatizing. Maintaining it can seem futile, and miserable, and nearly impossible.

But love is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. You deserve to love and respect and trust yourself. You deserve to live in peace.

#ladybird speaks #OCD #mental health #tw suicidality

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prettyboykatsuki · 2 years

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Oof as someone who has dated a guy who grew up with money... Yes. God yes. Oh my god. Such a cool dude, vibes are great, very compatible, but the relationship with money and resources and finances and the fundamental just... Disconnect. He literally just Did Not Understand and neither did I we just grew up so differently based even solely on that. Twas wild. A conversation would just fucking Halt while we just stared at each other in mutual "wait what"

its literally so jarring 😭 like SCARY sometimes

i try to keep myself pretty disconnected from my views on here but talking to people who grew up with money makes me feel the most intense wave of cognitive dissonance like its SO

like not all of them are bad in ever way. but its like.. the little small details that just make it hard. the lack of hospitality and the otherwise weird relationship to things like debt or spending and fundamental view points. theyre just so disconnected from basic empathy at times it’s alarming 😵‍💫

#return to sender

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creationsofimaginationsblr · 1 year

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"It's wild," I find myself saying.

(A conversation spurred by another new variant, but a lack of coverage for vaccination and lack of payment for illness)

"That some people didn't have a job through covid [the first time]"

I understand how self centered that sounds,

But I was "essential"

My father worked remotely.

My mother...

My mother was not essential.

I witnessed the invention of the "daytini"

- half an energy drink, several shots of whiskey, and a dash of mixer-

She blacked out her days.

She could have gone back to college.

She never actually cared to though. I knew that before my father offered to cover bills as she did so, for around the fifth time.

"It's wild." I say.

My first job, back when I was "a hero!" was run by an older white man.

He peddled our sweet modern day snake oils and people ate it all up.

We were "essential"

I was worked to the bone, and they got away with lying.

"We won't stay heros"

The younger people knew. We all knew long before the word "hero" lit our world ablaze.

There's a disconnect between being abandoned by our government, left broke and isolated, and bearing witness to the scum who perpetuated that you needed us.

"It's wild." I mutter.

cognitive dissonance

1-13-23

#galix #free write #covid

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hauntedselves · 2 years

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Hi! Thank you for answering! It’s CPSTD anon again and I found myself falling down a rabbit hole of reading about the difference between CPTSD, DID and schizophrenia and I’m even more baffled now. Schizophrenia and DID seem near identical to me in a way, since I have some symptoms of both. Apparently schizophrenia can cause memory issues, thought insertion and thought withdrawal… also people’s mannerisms and voice can change as well. It’s… wild. I get cognitive/memory symptoms of schizophrenia but I also get like… forgetting where I am, what I’ve done in the last few days/weeks, forgetting details about myself, forgetting who people are, a total blankness… and then I get emotions popping out of nowhere. I sometimes see the world with a different filter too, like I can have the “filter” of a child (and I can feel exactly like one, except I don’t literally believe I am one) out of nowhere. But also when I’ve been delusional I’ve had a different “filter” except instead of a change in who I feel like, it’s a change in what I believe. So it’s all so similar. Also dreams and reality feel the exact same, they don’t much feel different. And sometimes I find myself staring into nothing and have no idea how long I’ve been doing it. If schizophrenic people have a disconnect from reality, and people with DID feel disconnected from reality, and people with CPTSD can have dissociated parts with different feelings then how does one really distinguish this?

Sorry, it’s me again. I didn’t mean to seem like I was saying schizophrenia and DID (and CPTSD) are the same thing? Also the ask was long so if you can’t/don’t want to answer it just delete it because I know it’s. A Lot. (And I keep asking questions because you’re obviously very knowledgeable and stuff. But you’re human and you’re not getting paid for this so I understand if you don’t want to answer. I can’t see a professional at the moment and even if I could literally none of them in my community believe in dissociative type stuff…) like I literally don’t care about self diagnosing at this point, I’m just wracked with anxiety because I have a fear of uncertainty so I like try to reduce it.

I'm going to be honest here... I think you're reading too much into this! Your symptoms don't seem indicative of DID or a psychotic disorder to me, but i'm not your treating professional of course. I know it's hard to do this, but try not to focus on the potential diagnosis. Instead, look at reducing your symptoms and improving your quality of life. That's the main thing that therapy tries to provide, and something I try to internalise.

Here are some helpful links:

Helpful links for dissociation

Links on CPTSD

r/CPTSD toolbox, r/Trauma toolbox

Trauma & Dissociation

Tips for managing schizophrenia

#dogasks #no bold #i hope this doesnt come across as dissmissiive!#not my intention!

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unknwnxquantity · 1 month

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My dad gives me the silent treatment a lot more now, especially this past year. He knows it hurts me. He used to do it to my sister everyday of her existence growing up. He was an absolute monster to my sister. He was so abusive. Mentally emotionally, physically sometimes but not really. It was more intimidation tactics. But now that he’s older he’s more of a shell of the craziness that he was. But now bc I don’t live as close, it’s easier for him to find any way to be upset with me. It’s only until I say something mean to him through text or manipulative or make a joke countering his immaturity to make it look like the narrative is in my control, is when I get a response and we become good again. My mom and sister always point out, he can never be on good terms with all of my siblings at the same time. He finds some way some how, to find a reason to label us as the enemy and ignores one of us. Discards us. He doesn’t know how to be on good terms with people. My brothers the favorite usually so it doesn’t happen to him really— my sister bounces between being his favorite now bc of how tending and overly considerate she is and will still bend over backwards for my dad in some ways, me and my brother won’t— My dad still tries to guilt my brother and use him, but my brother doesn’t stand for it anymore even tho the guilt does eat at him from time to time. “You don’t love me anymore” “I’m gonna cry for you when you leave me”. What kind of dad says that to a kid? He makes fun of his complexion and his hair. That’s been messing with my brother…..The discarding doesn’t happen to my sister as much anymore (thank god, I’d rather take it. She’s endured so much abuse that will last her a lifetime it’s so sad my parents were emotional monsters to her…. My dad was on another level). She learned to put her boundaries down and trained him if he says some dumb or triggering shit, she will leave the conversation. She won’t play into it. She distances. Thats how he learned. He doesn’t have a choice, bc he doesn’t have access to people like he used to anymore. I’m the easy scapegoat now. It hurts. It sucks. I love him so much but Ik I can only take him in doses. I take all the love I can get from him whenever it’s present bc I know it��s conditional and can go away in an instant. I joke it off, I’ll call him mean or manipulative things back to get a reaction or get back on his good side some way. I’ll be like “dad what if I died then what? Then you’ll be upset that you’re mean to me.” I’ve told him at least once I think, “I wish I wasn’t alive” just to get a response from him, to get some sort of loving response. That isn’t right, but he’s done that to so many people AND WORSE WAY WORSE, so I do it to him. Me, my mom and sister consider me and my brother as my dad’s karma bc we challenge him the way my mom and sister never could’ve. But it hurts me a lot. And he knows it. He thrives off it actually. It sucks, the cognitive dissonance of knowing your dad is not a good person. He does not have a good heart. And yet we all love him so much. To know your dad, if he wasn’t your dad, could be a bad person to you (and has done bad things) if you weren’t his blood is.. wild. And we are his blood and yet we are not immune to the abuse clearly, so I cannot imagine. But we take the good and try our best to cut off/disconnect from the bad. A gray area! Cognitive dissonance!

I feel I’m only manipulative to people who are manipulative to me first (I always approach with kindness and good energy until I sense something off.. then I match what you give me). Kind of like a tit for tat. I only do it to people I can’t escape in my life but “need” in my life. Like my dad. Like my stepdad. Like work managers. I give them their same energy back. I don’t stoop to their level per se, but sometimes yeah. It’s scary. The more you do an action no matter your level of awareness and justification around it, will start to seep into your actual personality after a while. I walk the line very cautiously, and then I have to reprogram myself again. And again and again and again. It’s funny the human experience is a constant battle, a constant walking the line and to not tip over into one side more than the other. And when it inevitably happens— when you inevitably tip the scales— it’s a mini journey to get back to where you were (well it’s never really the same, or hopefully better/past where you were with the new awareness). It’s always a back and forth, ebb and flow that is alongside the ebbs and flows of the life around you at that moment.. We all have a darkness within us. The more you tap into it obviously the more it comes up. Obviouslyyyy. There’s always gonna be a darkness inside of us somewhere. ALL of us. It will never go away. It’s ignorant to ignore or deny its existence. But it’s all about maintaining “the beast”. Acknowledging them not shaming them, but not tapping into them too much. Even with the light, you have to tread carefully at times. Oh man what an experience the human experience is!!!

#unknwnxquantity

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automatismoateo · 1 year

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Ironically, the only unifying facet for all Christian denominations is their hatred of other people. via /r/atheism

Ironically, the only unifying facet for all Christian denominations is their hatred of other people.

We might not agree on the rules to get into heaven, the roles and beliefs of Jesus and who he was, the existence of hell, the validity of the old testament, the inclusion or exclusion of chapters from our own holy book or even the foundational aspects of our religion, but goddamn if we can't agree that a dude kissing another dude is scary! That's what REALLY makes you a Christian!

The cognitive disconnect here is fucking wild man...

Submitted April 21, 2023 at 08:37PM by Thnowball (From Reddit https://ift.tt/NK0H47X)

#reddit

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scary-senpai · 2 years

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Woof.

Hear that sound? That is me, vigorously shaking my head above my Tumblr dash like a wet dog, trying to get all the hyperfixations out before my lunch break is done.

This looks to me like a Momento Mori, which (as per Wikipedia) can be defined as:

an artistic or symbolic trope acting as a reminder of the inevitability of death.

In context (particularly during the Victorian era, when morbidity was all the rage), it typically refers to the physical death, but it doesn’t have to -- the notion of metaphorical death --ego death, death of the author, deaths for all ages and occasions-- is a commonplace concept too.

Oh, speaking of Ego Death... (from https://www.mindbodygreen.com although I’m sure I’ve got this in a handout somewhere...)

Ego death is the (often instantaneous) realization that you are not truly the things you've identified with, and the "ego" or sense of self you've created in your mind is a fabrication.

Ego death is (according to Freud and others) part of the hero’s journey, after all. Achieving ego death is generally a positive thing, a feeling of transcendence -- like you’ve left behind the shallow concepts and false identities that bind you, and the sensation of unity and ONE-ness, if you will excuse my dad joke. (do not start watching OPM as you are going through your yoga teacher training, you will wonder why everybody is fighting if they are all part of the ONE).

Anyway, I digress. Let’s chat about symbolism and psychoanalysis, shall we?

A Momento Mori can look... a bit more obviously death like, like the skull in Psykos’ lair:

However, it is not uncommon to leverage optical illusions like the one below, perhaps to further emphasize the idea that death is always one step away.

The cover image is more like the image above, where we see two things at once. From one perspective, we see a skull -- something all humans have, but at the same time, are naturally averse to. (”Check out these neat bones I found” is right up there with “I eated the purple berries!” as far as evolutionary helpful behaviors go -- we’re inclined to avoid dead things for a reason). From another perspective, though, we see Garou’s very human and notably bandaged body. That, in itself, as a lot.

But, as I mentioned before, we’re probably looking at a metaphorical sort of death. ::rubs hands together excitedly:: so let’s have some fun with psychoanalysis, shall we?

There’s so, so much I could say about Garou’s character, but I’m most poignantly reminded of a book that my primary teacher often quotes, which is The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and Grief.

I joke about Garou splitting things into half as a metaphor for his cognitive dissonance and inability to reconcile his identity. Yes, he does bifurcate the giant centipede and fantasizes about cutting HA Headquarters in half, but he also divides the world itself into binary categories -- and this is why he spends his arc embroiled in an identity crisis. Whether he acknowledges it or not is debatable, but overall Garou seems largely disconnected from his feelings, desires, and even his memories. Garou acts like a hero but he feels like the monster, he’s physically strong but still identifies as weak, and so on. I think we’ve all felt that way at some point, though -- for whatever reason, we’ve had to split ourselves into pieces, and our identity becomes a puzzle that we cannot reconcile.

In the Wild Edge of Sorrow, author Francis Weller, posits that this fragmented dichotomy of self literally splits your spirit. When we’re attempting to cut off aspects of self that we consider unworthy, undeserving, or unfit, we feel we have no right to grieve them. This makes it difficult, if not impossible, to heal from those things.

If we can’t fully grieve an experience, we can’t move on. So we carry these experiences with us, haunted and held back by all the pain we can’t leave behind.

Garou isn’t always the most rational actor, but to me his actions have always made sense if you view him as a traumatized kid. (Seriously, the guy fights in his sleep! How can you not see that and immediately think “shit, kiddo, your Autonomic Nervous System never lets up, not even when you are unconscious! you’re telling me you never feel safe enough to rest??”) Trauma robs us of our ability to imagine that life could be anything otherwise, ensnaring us in whatever horrible life-altering moment we managed to live through.

It’s common to see trauma survivors demonstrating this trapped mindset, often deliberately seeking out and repeating the same cycle, because they implicitly understand the importance of closure, something that signals to their minds and bodies “it’s over now. you’re finally safe.” They usually can’t do it without help. (For more on this, I recommend The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk). In Garou’s case, tragically, this is not only a cycle but a self-fulfilling prophesy. He’s decided he can’t be anything other than the monster, therefore, he acts like one and gets deemed as such. It likely makes him feel as if he has some modicum of control over what he mistakenly takes as an inevitability.

Getting back to the pseudo-science, though... I’m thinking back to something my aunt told me once, when I was in a particularly bad headspace. IIRC, she was referencing famed psychoanalyst Carl Jung, but it’s all heresay at this point. Anyway, at that point in my mortal coil I was not taking particularly good care of myself, to put it mildly. My aunt explained that sometimes self-destructive behaviors (in Garou’s case, picking fights all the time, including ones likely to end in your physical death) are a way of recognizing that “yes, there’s a part of me that has to be culled in order for something better to grow in its place. I need to leave behind my identity as somebody that doesn’t deserve acceptance or success.” The trick is to apply this instinct in a healthy way, and not like, go recklessly biking through midtown without a helmet until your ex returns your phone calls. Again, though, I’d take that one with a grain of salt -- especially if you’re applying it to anything other than a fictional character. There’s a reason that mental health treatment has moved away from speculating on symbolism and towards neuroscience and evidence-based practice -- although I’ve held on to this image as a healing metaphor because it personally resonates with me.

I feel like I could go on and on... in alchemy literal death and rot are something that eventually yields to purification and perfection, then there’s the apparent nod to re-incarnation when it comes to monstrification (recovering from near-death experiences causes humans to evolve and become stronger), of course there’s the Death card in Tarot which speaks to new beginnings... but I have to go back to work. Happy reading, thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

#one punch man #opm #spoilers #one punch man spoilers #manga spoilers #all the spoilers #garou #meta #literati #deaths for all occasions is a minor tom stoppard reference #momento mori knowledge comes from my previous life running spoopy steampunk events #and now to turn on my nanny app and block out all distractions for the remainder of the work day #because i know i have no self control :(((

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ashesandhackles · 3 years

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The Hogwarts Express scene in Prince's Tale: A Sirius and Snape analysis

I really, really enjoy Sirius and Snape as characters and their respective narrative functions in story. But what gets me most about them is how much Rowling hints about their backgrounds and so much of it makes sense with regard to who they are as adults. So I am going to be breaking down a very small scene from Prince Tale and getting into long winded hypothesis about their respective childhoods.

So, let's start with Snape. The scene begins with Snape rushing to find Lily, already in his Hogwarts clothes. Harry notes he must have been eager to get out of his clothes - ones that look like he borrowed from his mother, as Petunia spitefully pointed out. This has always been a very interesting detail to me - first off, it indicates how poor Snape's family is. Second, this indicates his tiny rebellion from his father - he refuses to wear clothes of the abusive man, and prefers his mother's. I admit, I am partial to the reading that Snape refuses to associate with his father in tiny ways, rather than Tobias refusing to hand his son clothes.

(I have seen readings which say that it is also a sign of neglect - perhaps his parents bought clothes that simply don't fit him, but I am more inclined to think it's a hand me down, simply because Harry identifies so strongly with it. Because Harry knows what it is like to wear a hand me down that don't quite fit, that are too big for you, or the ones that make you look ridiculous.)

Lily and Petunia's relationship is fraught with Petunia's jealousy. And young Lily is upset over it when Snape meets her. "I am not talking to you. Tuney hates me" she tells him. "Because we saw the letter from Dumbledore". Young Lily shows signs of being extremely emotionally reactive and this scene is one of them. It's easier for her to deal with Petunia's rejection of her by telling Snape she doesn't want to talk to him. It's a childish displacement of her hurt over her sister's rejection. (I am genuinely baffled by interpretations that Lily and Hermione are similar. Hermione is very cognitive person, Lily, as we have been shown repeatedly in memories, is not).

Snape, however, with his bad history with Petunia and his inability/ poor social skills to understand why this matters to her, goes: "So what?"

Lily, who throws him a look of deep dislike, says "So she's my sister". This seed is important because this is what develops into "he doesn't get me" feeling she later displays in her teenage scenes with him. Interestingly, most of Lily's personal relationships have deeply interwined love and dislike - Petunia (whose rejection bothers her but she cheerfully informs Sirius that Harry nearly broke a vase her sister sent - which means there is resentment on her end too), James - who she was attracted to even before 7th year but also disliked at one point, and Snape - again, a contentious friendship filled with love and distance.

"She's only a -" we dont get to hear what Snape intended to say. And given his own acrimony with Petunia, it could be anything. However, I read it as "She's only a Muggle" because it ties into his feelings about his father. Snape, who is proud of being half a Prince, emphasizing his magical lineage from his mother's side, his refuge in a violent, neglectful home. (Barty Crouch Jr and Snape with their disappointing fathers - I imagine Voldemort is supremely attractive leader to people with broken homes like this)

Snape, by all accounts, shows a disorganised attachment style. His caregiver, his mother - and perhaps the only parent he seems to have regard for, is too preoccupied by her own abuse to be there for her son - we see this in glimpses Harry sees in OOTP: " woman cowering" where a man shouts at her, and a young, neglected Snape cries in the corner. Children born in homes like this have trouble regulating their emotions, simultaneously displaying tendencies to aggressively lash out or show disassociative symptoms. Both of which Snape displays. Statistically, this is also seen more in low income households where economic instability and resulting domestic instability creates an unsafe environment for the kids to safely form ideas of their identity, or express emotions in healthy ways, modelling instead out of behaviour seen at home.

Then, Snape reminds her that they are going to Hogwarts. He is already in his Hogwarts clothes - now, Snape gets to be the impressive figure. The one who told her about magic, who theorised about how Muggles get letters from magical people, the one who told her about Dementors and Azkaban. He has already left behind the Spinner's End version of him, he wants to bigger than that, and is keen to be in place of magical learning and to join Slytherin. Essentially, he shows signs of unstable identity, insecurity - all prime for grooming into a cult.

And here comes along James Potter, who looks around at the mention of Slytherin. James's comment uses Snape's line and directs it to Sirius instead and it becomes a conversation between them, as a way to bond more with a fellow "rowdy boy" Sirius. Effectively ignoring the other two.

Sirius as we see here, "does not smile" when James talks about Slytherin. He essentially says something that can be construed as a way to nip that conversation in bud: "My whole family has been in. Slytherin". This suggests to me that there is some loyalty to his family there and his disillusionment with them isn't entirely fixed yet. After all, Sirius's intense loyalty to his friends, more specifically James, did not come out of thin air. It is reasonable to suggest that he felt some loyalty to his family at some point and the intensity with which he regards his friends is a reaction to burned off and being a "displaced person without a family" as Rowling put it.

Interestingly, while his reaction to his mother and Bellatrix are obviously sore spots, his response to Regulus is comparatively quite soft. ("Stupid, idiot" - something he calls James later on in the same book, OOTP). I imagine Sirius has quite complicated feelings about his brother and he is capable of nuance (when the person isn't Snape, where his dislike seems to be borne of an intense projection): "The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters". As someone who is grown up among them, Sirius would understand that.

His framing of Regulus's need to please his parents also further highlights what exactly is the source of disillusionment. He calls Regulus "soft enough to believe them" - which means he is crediting his own intelligence to see through his parents bigoted world view. Clearly, bigotry is not something the Blacks explained in a way that Sirius, eldest of their male line and their heir, bought it. It also probably didn't help the Blacks case that Grimmauld Place is in a Muggle neighborhood and that their eldest son is a bit of a wild boy with interest in pushing boundaries. His intellectual disconnect leads to the righteous rage he later feels but it began there. (Boy, it must suck to discover that everything you have been taught to value in the world and in yourself as the heir is essentially rubbish). Since his differences with his family began with seeds of intellectual disconnect rather than on intense empathy with downtrodden, it makes him, as a pureblooded privileged boy, unable to truly understand Lupin's fears regarding his lycanthropy. Hence, the Werewolf prank (I am not getting to the Snape bit, just the Lupin bit). To James' credit, he does understand what that means for Lupin and saves all three of them from different set of consequences.

Anyway, back to the scene. James, who has made an ass of himself in front of his new friend, who he was getting along with fine until now, then goes "Blimey, I thought you seemed alright". (Btw, I find James wildly large ego kind of hilarious here, especially in light of Snape's comment about him to Sirius in OOTP: "You will know he is so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him"). Sirius, who I believe has been raised like "royalty" as Blacks would, has good enough social skills to defuse a situation. He grins and says: "Maybe I will break the tradition".

This line is an indication of Sirius's desire for independence, an identity seperate from his family. The use of the word "tradition" is interesting. It sounds like Sirius is expected to behave in a certain way, the heir of Black family whose parents thought being a Black "made you practically royal". Adult Sirius is contemptuous of this, or their "valuable contribution to Ministry" which means they just gave gold - it tells me that any and all conditions put on him by his family were to fulfill tradition that is either worthless or holds no meaning in his eyes. The root of the emotional abuse Sirius suffers from his family is this - realising his parents love for him is conditional on him being a certain way. (In fact, you can read Regulus desire to emphasise his connection to the family as a reaction to what he sees with Sirius - Sirius does not behave, Mum and Dad don't love him). As a child with unconscious knowledge of lack of love, Sirius then acts out, they react, rinse and repeat "until he has had enough". Sirius chafes against boundaries well into adulthood and doesn't react well to people enforcing it on him, even if it is out of love for him. Cue the fire scene with Harry where he behaves as if Harry is rejecting him instead of protecting him.

Sirius asks James about where he wants to go, and Snape, who is incensed about James being insulting about a House he put stock in, which he made part of new identity (so that he is no longer that Snape boy from Spinner's End) and was in general trying to be impressive about in front of Lily, "makes a disparaging noise" once James talks of Gryffindor. Snape's response to James' : "Got a problem with that?" is interesting. He says: "If you'd rather be brawny, rather than brainy-"

This is an important value for Snape. He knows he is clever and values it. He spends his spare time inventing hexes, making great shortcuts to Potions. He has genuine thirst for learning and he hones it. In SWM, we see that he has written far more longer answers than anyone else, he is poring over his paper after exams. He even mocks Hermione's lack of inventive answers: "Answer copied word to word from the textbook, but correct in essentials". He values originality. It may be me stretching this, but I am partial to the reading: this is his way of rejecting his father once again, who is implied to be a violent man. (in other words, someone who is hypermasculine - "brawny". In fact, Snape's rejection of hypermasculinity is a huge post on it's own - Potions (brewing, cauldrons - coded as feminine arts), the doe Patronus, his proficiency in Occlumency and Legliemency (intuitive mind arts, again seen archetypically feminine) etc).

"Where are you hoping to go, seeing as you are neither?" - Sirius is quick with emotionally cutting insults. Snape hasn't even finished his sentence, but Sirius is already on his case. Which suggests growing up in a household with sharp tongues. It's a fair assumption, given Mrs Black's half mad portrait. It also tallies with Sirius's talking about his mother: "My mother didn't have a heart Kreacher, she kept herself alive out of pure spite" . The wounds are fresh enough on this. (Another interesting way Snape and Sirius act as inverse mirrors - Snape rejects his father, Sirius rejects his mother. Sirius acts as proxy for James for Harry while Snape takes on Lily's role of protecting him). However, you know who else is spiteful? Sirius.

While James is the physical bully (the tripping Snape, doing most of the bullying in SWM), Sirius attacks emotionally. ( Sample the one about Snape's appearance - "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment, there will be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word" or even the carelessly vicious- "Put that away, before Wormtail wets himself in excitement"). Curiously, with all that talk of how his mother being spiteful, it's her room he spends time in when he is depressed. (Again, in inverse mirror way, we can talk of how Snape looks for a father figure in Dumbledore - craves his validation and is proud of Dumbledore's trust in him). We could argue it's also because Buckbeak is there, and perhaps it's the largest room in the house, but it's very telling that's where Sirius spends time when he is "in a fit of sullens". Sirius's sense of abandonment from his family, makes him look for family connections with friends - a trait he shares with Harry. Interestingly, the first time he glimpses Harry in Privet Drive, Harry is also running away from home - just like he did. Anyway, I could go on.

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soapdish290 · 4 years

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Harrow the Ninth may be one of the best books I’ve ever read.

Under the cut for some of the questions I need the answers to, as well as me mulling some implications / potential theories.

Harrow the Ninth is horrifically, horrifically dense, and is the first book I’ve ever read that made me take actual honest to god notes on first reading, but my entire GOD is it worth while.

I’ve never ready anything with a form / point of view quite so immensely complicated whilst still adding to and complimenting the narrative. Absolutely masterful shit.

I’m going to go hog wild with spoilers under the cut.

Edited in a probably fruitless attempt to make the formatting not The Worst on Mobile

IT WAS NEVER IN SECOND PERSON OEFHAUIOFNBaufbhAPIhbaip

It was always Gideon. I kind of jokingly wondered if it was back when I first heard it was going to be written partially in second person, but I didn’t BELIEVE it!

Things we should have known

1. There are so many clues that Harrow has inexpertly switched her cognition of the very word ‘Gideon’. I mean we know she’s wiped HER Gideon out of her head way back in Chapter 2 when John talks about Harrow’s Cav, name drops Ortus, and Harrow notices “As he spoke, his mouth looked strange.” Well yes, hearing something out of sync with what’s actually spoken will do that!

But we can actually see that it’s MORE than that way back in the Dramatis Personae. Everyone has their name, written out grammatically and normally, and then we have ORTUS. All in caps.

Obviously the real tell however is the codenames in Chapter 36. We know from Cytheria’s funeral that the Lyctors are naming themselves [Necro first name] [Cav first name]. The codename’s reflect this - apart from ‘Ortus’s’, which is G.P. P for Phyrra, G for Gideon. That’s when I got it.

What I MISSED, is that this tells us, right there and then, that he was very involved with our Gideon, who is named for her mother’s last word. Her mother whose last word was for OG Gideon.

2. Palamedes knew there was a perfect Lyctorhood and outright told us way back in chapter 33. “Tell me you [became a Lyctor] correctly. [...]Tell me you finished the work. You out of everyone could have worked out the end to the beginning I was starting to explicate”. I had to stop and stare at a wall for a bit with the implications of this one, at the time.

Things we now know

1. The thing for me, the real thing, is how goddamned casually the answer to one of the biggest mysteries is dropped. It’s an afterthought. Chapter 51:

“You clawed my face so bad that my blood ran down your hands; my face was under your fucking fingernails. When I let you go you couldn’t even stand, you just crawled away and threw up. Were you ten, Harrow? Was I eleven?

Was that the day you decided you wanted to die?”

Gideon is trying to work something out. She’s trying to parse together how Harrow opened the locked tomb. The entire opening part of this chapter is Gideon’s brain, whirling, working, following the reveal that the Necrolord Undying’s “unbreakable ward” was a blood ward. Rightfully, a ‘cell’ ward. And that Gideon is God’s blood.

So what have we learned?

In order:

We've learned that only John could open the ward. That Harrow couldn't possibly. That the latter half of her life has been a tragedy based, as is oft the case, on a misapprehension.

Then we learn that God is wrong, because he doesn't understand blood wards as well as he thinks he does.

We learn at the same time, through implication, that the locked tomb is blood warded (and think back to Gideon Prime's advice to Harrow RE warding).

Then we learn that our Gideon was birthed to be a weapon used to open the locked tomb. She is the blood of God.

And here, casually, that when Harrow decided to commit suicide by ward, she did so with our Gideon's fresh blood underneath her fingernails.The locked tomb has been open for 8 years.

(as an aside this is ‘casual’ because Gideon’s entire goddamn existence has just been torn asunder by learning her parentage and hearing what might become known, in the literary canon, as The Dad Joke Undying. It’s casual and seemingly disconnected because Gideon is dissociating to FUCK and Muir is a damn MASTER of linguistic form echoing narrative function).

2. “Alecto had your eyes from the moment any of us first saw her.” Harrow, who is in love the the body in the tomb, would have seen this, too. A 10,000 year old body with the same exact eyes as Gideon Nav. Nothing specific to add here. Just... worth noting. There are potential implications.

3. Oh yeah, Wake’s spirit was in the sword as well as Cytheria sometimes. OG Gideon probably knew this when he was macking on the corpse, seeing as both he and his Cav were fucking her. Although she ALSO very much tried to kill OG Gideon, so go figure. Wake was haunting Harrow and trying to steal her body. Apparently people were having trouble with this.

Things we do not know, but would like to.

1. ‘“Augustine”, he said, “if the man you were - the man you were before you died, before the Resurrection - could hear what you just said to me, he’d tear your throat out.” Augustine said, “Thanks for confirming that.” And then he was silent.’

So, this has some pretty legit implications right? Augustine has just told John to give up on his ‘invasion force’. So either Augustine has changed over 10,000 years and John hasn’t, or else Augustine was LITERALLY someone else before the resurrection. This leads in to the next thing that I Would Very Much Like to Know:

2. What the BALLS caused the Resurrection. What WAS the resurrection. Why was it necessary. Why does John need an invasion force? What, succinctly, the fuck is going on?

3. John says that he will forgive OG Gideon for failing to “fix or put down” Harrow. A scant page later he says that he “was trying to save her”. Save her. By ‘putting her down’. That’s not the language you use for someone you’re trying to save. That’s the language you use to minimise what you’re doing. What the fuck was John doing. Who was he manipulating. He told Harrow he wished she was his daughter. He asked OG Gideon to try and kill her. Why. What the fuck my dude.

3. The Stoma at the bottom opened for John. They’re only supposed to open for the Resurrection Beasts. “some kind of heinous underworld that only opened for the undead souls of monstrous planets”. What the fuck IS John, at this point? I can’t help remember that he had bodies and souls left from the Resurrection - he used them at the start of the book to rejuvenate the Ninth House and ‘buy’ Harrow. I’m reminded of Teacher from Gideon, who was 50 men. Of Harrow herself, who is 200 children. How many is John? Cytheria said she was doing her work on behalf of the 10 billion. The population of earth in the presents near future? of the solar system? Going back around to an earlier point, WHAT DID JOHN DO.

4. Gideon-in-Harrow is saved by the body. By Alecto, who speaks “with the wrong voice twice removed”. Whose voice? Why is it wrong? Who is she talking to when she asks for chest compressions? I assume she’s with Blood of Eden? With the Sixth and Coronabeth?

5. The Harrow who wrote the letters still knows more than we do. She knew that Camilla was around, that Corona was, that Judith was. She knew enough to know that Judith would need to be muted instantly.

6. The Epilogue. To me the implication is that they have Harrow’s body, but do not know who is driving. They give the bones and the sword, and look for a reaction.

7. Gideon’s body. Where is it. The assumption is that Blood of Eden have it. Why.

8. Oh, Gideon outright states that Ianthe was playing games with Harrow, up to and including lying about seeing Cytheria’s body under her bed (fucking nightmare fuel right there by the by). Not surprising, but oddly specific if just doing it for shits and giggles. Could just be that Ianthe assumed Harrow was doing all the made shite on her own and just egging her along, could be something else. Doubt we’ll find this one out, I’m probs overthinking.

I’m definitely missing a lot. I could also list the fucking effortlessly cool shit that keeps happening in this book, but this is long enough.

#Harrow the Ninth #Harrow the ninth spoilers #The Locked Tomb #The Locked Tomb spoilers #Tamsyn Muir #this is a fucking long post #and I'm not joking about the spoilers

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