#the only thing you're allowed to do is either idolize them or tear them down based on performance | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dilucids · 3 years

Text

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤLove in cameras ━━ Genshin idol! au

newbie! idol!reader collaborating on a photoshoot together with idol! genshin characters

includes beidou, rosaria, childe, zhongli, diluc and xiao

( back on that idol au grind. also, the sheer amount of 'male reader' shit on this app that involves incest makes me genuinely tear up and take a shot everytime i say 'shot', you'd be drunk enough to hook up with zhongli dragon form. )

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ〔 BEIDOU ━━ UNCROWNED QUEEN OF THE OCEAN 〕

━━ one of the most nerve-wrecking things ever because she's simply so intimidating and good at what she does.

━━ you're literally shaking in your seat as she takes her solo shots, watching her lean on one leg, placing the other by her side, stretching her arms all the whilst making eye contact with the camera.

━━ she just looks so professional and you're afraid you won't be able to live up to her and ruin the entire shoot since even though you're both idols, she's been in more magazines as a senior group compared to you.

━━ when you switch for your solo shots, she seems to sense how nervous you were ( although you weren't really hiding it much with your shaky knees and annoying tapping your foot. )

━━ she places a hand on your shoulder and gives you a smile and a thumbs up, telling you you'll be okay.

━━ you realise she wasn't as menacing and stoic as she was in magazines and slightly relax.

━━ helps you relax by offering support behind the camera!!!

You lean sideways a little, allowing the thin material to fall off your shoulder a little as you glance back at the camera, lips slightly apart. Your stoic facade is broken almost immediately when you hear Beidou hollering and clapping in the background. You begin to laugh in suprised shock as the staff around the set follow her example, the shuttering of cameras now longer heard as it is replaced with clapping and whooping.

You grow a little embarrassed, glancing over at Beidou for help but she seems proud, stood there with hands on her hips and a satisfied grin. You realise she isn't going to help you out so you attempt to calm the set down with thanks and bows until you're continuing with the shoot.

━━ beidou has a very large presence, so it's very hard to have magnetism next to her but you somehow make it work.

━━ compared to your solo shots, your duo shots have a pirate/knight theme.

━━ with beidou in a pirate getup and you in a knight getup, it was obvious to see that this was some type of old ancient rivalry between the two groups and you two were meant to potray that anger and tension.

━━ due to you being new to this type of scene, she'll take the lead, making sure that her pose allowed you to fit in perfectly, whether it be far away, close, a sword to her throat, you splayed on the floor and her leaning in with her sword next to your head. ( thank god that shot was meant to focus on beidou cause with her that close to you, you couldn't keep a straight face. )

━━ of course even with such a theme, fan service is everything! so some of the poses are a little more touchy touchy and if she can tell you're nervous, will immediately lighten the mood and assure you you're doing well.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ〔 ROSARIA ━━ THORNING BENEVOLENCE 〕

━━ like beidou, will naturally exude professionalism and skill.

━━ unlike beidou though, she'll probably ignore your nervousness or bluntly tell you to toughen up if you want to make it, it sounds harsh but you know it's her own way of advice giving.

━━ her poses are less showy than beidou, more elegant and graceful as she rests her hands on her waist or cross her legs over each other over the arm of the chair and look back at the camera.

━━ will watch you, probably assessing your style, as you take your solo shots and if she notices your embarrassment ( she definitely does ), well she doesn't stop.

━━ will somehow converse with the photographer about poses she thinks will bring out your potential and it works, she has an eye for these things apparently and a lot of photographers like her style of modelling.

As you step back, allowing the staff to move props around, you glance back at the director of the shoot and Rosaria stood before the screen, showing off the photos. They seem to be deep in conversation, the only giveaway about the tense conversation however was the director's furrowed eyebrows and lips pressed into a tight line, Rosaria had no expression on her face.

The director seems to give up after Rosaria says something, pointing at the screen with her arms crossed, walking away with a shake of his head albeit the smile of being challenged. You immediately look away when she peers up at you, catching your eyes for a split second; you knew she had been shamelessly staring at you but it was quite embarrassing to be caught yourself.

"Here we go," snaps you out of your embarrassment and you're back to sitting on a black throne lined with gold, posing for the shoot.

━━ it's awkward before the camera is on you two as you stand on the set but once the camera is on? you two flow so perfectly together.

━━ rosaria would allow you to take the reins, allowing you to do what you felt was natural and would simply follow. ( another one of her ways of easing newbies into the modelling scene. )

━━ if your pose is a little awkward though, she'd quietly tell you to move certain ways and try not to overpower you ( but if you were overpowered, that'd be your own fault and you should try harder. that's her motto. )

━━ it actually surprises you how good she looked with a spear in hand and how well it suited her.

━━ it was kinda nerve-wracking to be working with rosaria but you absolutely loved it and would kill to work with her and have her guidance again ( deffo should ask for her number for future guidance!! )

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ〔 CHILDE ━━ 11TH FATUI HARBINGER 〕

━━ looks professional on camera but is surprisingly childlike off camera.

━━ why is his little brother on the set wearing a pj mask costume again? right, he had to pick him up from school earlier than usual cause teucer said he was sick and wanted childe to come so he got use his older brother's reputation to get closer to that female teacher he liked. as for the pj mask costume, he wanted to fit in with the shoot theme so the poor stylists had to pull out some slightly too large, dusty halloween costume they found somewhere for him. great.

━━ other than that, childe is great at what he does, amazing at facial expressions like *whistles*, terrifyingly good at making the expressions asked of him. ( can cry on command actually (( learnt to entertain his younger siblings. )) ).

━━ you're intimidated by him at first but when you guys are taking a small break between his shoot and yours, you get to see him play around with his teucer and oh my god.

━━ he's literally carrying teucer above his head, teucer posed as superman with one arm sticking out and the other on his hip as he carefully runs throughout the set.

━━ when it's actually your turn, he will secretly hype you up with teucer.

"Pretty," Teucer mutters under his breath as prop flower petals are being thrown up as you pose under them. Childe smiles a little as he ruffles his younger brother's hair, "isn't my partner the prettiest?"

You're oblivious to these comments, focusing on the camera that was following your every move but your eyes glance over to the two brothers ever so often, finding their closeness rather endearing.

"They're prettier and nicer than your last partner," Teucer huffs, thinking of the previous collaboration he had attended with another celebrity, although she was a little too flirty with Childe for Teucer's liking. "Momma said you have to find a good person, big bro" Teucer reminds aa Childe smiles amused. "Are they a good person?" Childe thrusts his thumb over in your direction.

Teucer hums, thinking carefully with his chin in hand before nodding, beaming at Childe. "I'm sure they'll fit in nicely with everyone!" Your future had just been planned and you had no say in it at all.

━━ as for duo shots, it's another enemies theme but it's more of an assassination theme with childe holding a bow, perched on a higher stage than you.

━━ took ten minutes for childe to figure out how to look good with a bow in hand, with an eye scrunched up like he was actually aiming at you. ( of course he wouldn't have succeeded if not for teucer shouting advice at him off set with his hands on his hips. )

━━ he swears he almost feels the adrenaline of the scene as if his life was actually on the line when you shoot him a glare like directed.

━━ you two get on pretty well off set as well! you joke around as props are being moved around or make up is being fixed for either of you.

━━ you feel bad when you actually stab him with the fake sword, but he plays through with it, acting like he was dying.

━━ play fighting with teucer as an evil overlord ( still wearing his pj mask costume ) mind controlling childe's lover ( you ) into thinking he was the enemy ( teucer came up with the plot ).

━━ slipped his number into your pocket as you two were posing.

━━ teucer also got to keep his pj mask costume!!

━━ posts a picture of you messing around with teucer on his instagram.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ〔 ZHONGLI ━━ VAGO MUNDO 〕

━━ probably the most professional out of them all.

━━ his poses are quite simplistic as he models the suit, hand in his pocket, fixing a cuff link, checking the time, simply casting his gaze to the side but he still holds a very large presence on set.

━━ would calmly converse with you as if you two had been friends for a long time, with a small smile on his face.

━━ if he can tell you're nervous, he'll tell you small anecdotes about anything and everything. when it's your turn, he give your shoulder a small squeeze and nod at you.

━━ talks to the director about poses as well, has a keen eye about what prop should be used and the positioning of them; you're suprised he isn't the director of the shoot.

━━ when you thank him for his help on the sidelines, he'll shake his head and tell you it was due to your talent and that he was only creating opportunities for them to naturally shine.

━━ was literally made for the camera, just the way he poses, the way he holds himself; god, it would've been a crime if this man had never been placed front page of a magazine.

You're entraced by the way he moves━━ subtle ways, like placing one foot ahead of the other, a hand in his pocket, looking down at the watch on his wrist. He's amazing. You could watch him for ages; he was like a sculpture made by the Gods, their most prized possession. What else could explain his sharp jawline, the bangs framing his face, his long hair pulled back into a low ponytail?

"You're staring," a staff member nudges you with a small smile, you snap out of it right away, slightly embarrassed at being caught. She laughs however, waving you off, "it's okay, we were all like that at first." You nod awkwardly, her words not helping at easing the embarrassment filling you.

You're talking with a staff member when he comes striding towards you, appearing behind you and scaring off the makeup artist with a mere smile and gracing you with a hand on your shoulder. "You're up next, good luck."

━━ mentally prepare yourself to be within a five metre radius of this man for the next hour or so.

━━ whether you're weak to pretty faces or not, i assure you, this man will honestly be the death of you if your guard is down even the littlest bit.

━━ the theme of this shoot? ceo/secretary and it does make sense━━ no it would make sense, if you were the secretary, not the ceo. but apparently fans like this type of power dynamic ( assuming you're shorter than him ) and so for the future of your careers you persevere.

━━ zhongli stood clad in a suit, next to you with his hands behind his back and you sat down at a desk, eyebrows furrowed like you're examining paper work or zhongli pouring you a cup of tea. you're pretty sure this is some odd dream at this point.

━━ you only persevere until zhongli has to pose as if he was fixing your tie.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ〔 DILUC RAGNVINDR ━━ DARKNIGHT HERO 〕

━━ intimidating. intimidating. intimidating.

━━ did you wrong god in some type of way in your past life because being watched so openly as you pose for the camera for such a man, naturally exerting power, with eyebrows furrowed was one of the most terrifying things ever.

━━ his poses are similar to zhongli's but he puts a little more back into it, dignified aura as he crosses his leg, or one hand holding his hair up into a high pony as the other is near his mouth, using his teeth to pull the bobble off his wrist.

━━ also more open to differing hairstyles! unlike zhongli who only keeps his hair in a low ponytail, diluc can comprise with a low pony, high pony or even a messy bun.

━━ good balance of praise and constructive criticism; will tell you if you're doing good but will also tell you if you could improve in certain areas or even help with poses.

━━ diluc has amazing chemistry with everyone, he fits naturally into other people's style of modelling and can alter himself or his partner to fit if necessary, he also has a large presence on camera and sometimes accidentally overtakes when he gets too into the shoot.

"Calm down," you step back in reflex when you hear Diluc's voice just behind you, "your nervousness is plastered all over your face." You make a sound of acknowledgement and bow your head, "just take a few breaths and imagine you're at home in your mirror bathroom." It scared you that he knew infront of your mirror bathroom, you were the most confident but thanks to his help, you were able to ease yourself into modelling.

"You did well," he smiles at you when you come off the set, patting you on the shoulder. You smile back, "thanks to your advice," you redirect the compliment back at him. The short interaction ends when you two have to change into your couple costume.

━━ unintended sexual tension 👫

━━ was supposed to be casual poses, really easy ones with you two sat on steps with a respective cigarette in hand as friends but somehow,,,,, you two looked like y'all had fucked a second before hopping onto the set.

━━ so, the director took the inherent sexual tension and put it into use; changing just seeming like you were smoke buddies into poses where you two leaning into the same flame to light up your cigarettes. ( close ups of you two staring into each other's eyes over the flame! )

━━ kept lesser tension packed photos though and the one above^^ just as a small treat for the fans.

━━ he definitely posted a picture of you ( tagged ) behind the scenes on his instagram with no caption though.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ〔 XIAO ━━ CONQUEROR OF DEMONS 〕

━━ more reserved, if he has a problem with the way you do things, doesn't say anything and just makes a certain expression with his face.

━━ his poses vary, he's able to adapt to each and every theme that's given to him and usually plays it safe with poses. he's usually modelling for makeup brands so he's very good with close ups, or hand and face poses; also is very used to working with many people but often never attempts to befriend.

━━ if you initiate conversation, he'll use dry replies or even attempt to leg it out of the conversation, only because he's a little shy or doesn't really understand social rules after a while, he'll given into your conversations and try to reply normally.

━━ i feel like he has mints with him no matter where he goes so expect a "do you want a mint?" halfway into your conversation.

━━ definitely is trusted with the music that plays in the background as you guys work. xiao is literally globally known for having one of the best music tastes and often makes songs hit the 'top 100' even if it's been out for years.

━━ it takes him a little while to get used to a new partner so give him a few test shots to get your vibe checked and he'll adapt!

You try hard to ignore the song in the background, but it's stuck in your head. Watching Xiao placing his fingers gingerly on his face as he peers to the side, the camera zooming into his face, you tap your foot along to the beat━━ you've never heard this song before but it really suited your tastes.

"Excuse me," you call out to a staff member who was walking past, he stops and nods at you, pulling down his headphones, "do you know what song this is?" He shakes his head however, leaving you with disappointment but not before he tells you that this was Xiao's Spotify playlist. You nod and thank you, immediately finding Xiao on Spotify to see all his different playlists for different moods.

You never understood why fans chose to listen to their idol's playlist because some of their music tastes was just trash but Xiao had genuinely good taste and it kinda suprised you.

━━ close proximity poses since you two are modelling for a makeup brand; some shots are just headshots with you two practically sat ontop of each other.

━━ some poses are torso shots, where you're both holding the product. there was a pose where you got to act as if you were applying eyeliner onto xiao's eyes and there was definitely a period of time when xiao couldn't stop blushing.

━━ he absentmindedly hums the song in the background as you two wait on set for the director to finish their conversation with the photographer.

━━ posts a picture of himself that you took whilst he was asleep and tagged you before the photoshoot was released so fans started speculating the weirdest shit and he never bothered to clear it up, just waited until the photos were released and hoped someone in his fandom was smart enough to connect dots.

#genshin headcanons #genshin impact #genshin scenarios #genshin x gender neutral reader #genshin x reader #genshin beidou #genshin diluc #genshin childe #genshin zhongli #genshin rosaria #genshin xiao

329 notes · View notes

t4tlawlight · 3 years

Text

YOU'RE AN AVENGER, A DEATH ANGEL. YOU KILL PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR IT, WHO DESERVE TO DIE. YOU'RE A WATCHDOG, A PROTECTOR OF THINGS DECENT. YOUR COMFORTS ARE SACRIFICED FOR EFFICIENCY -- YOU CAN'T DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE WITH PEOPLE MOANING AND CLINGING TO YOU, YOU CAN'T STRIKE WITH POSSESSIONS WEIGHING YOU DOWN. YOU HAVE A CLEAR HEAD AND NO REGRETS. YOU CAN TAKE OUT ANYONE BECAUSE YOU'RE STRIPPED DOWN AND YOU DON'T DEPEND ON OR TRUST A SOUL. YOU ARE EFFECTIVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE ANYBODY OR ANYTHING. YOU'RE A ONE- MAN FORCE, THE PERFECT INSTRUMENT OF DESTINY.

– "INFLAMMATORY ESSAYS 5" by Jenny Holzer

(this is a companion piece to Love and Belonging, my early drama light analysis! [LINK] i heavily recommend reading it before continuing this analysis, as i reference events and ideas explained in that post.)

in my previous analysis of drama light, i focused on the events that led him to become the man we see in the beginning of the drama: a gentle, kind man who is underachieving but still brilliant, who takes a maternal role in his household after the death of his mother. This is all crucial to understanding Light’s character in the drama and how the events leading up to him becoming Kira change in line with his altered characterization, but that analysis only barely skimmed the surface of Light’s character development throughout the drama, and especially after L’s death.

the drama fandom--including me!--is somewhat guilty of making blanket statements about drama light’s morality as opposed to his manga counterpart, that drama light is kinder and gentler in comparison to manga light. this may be true early on, but i would argue that as the series progresses, drama light willingly and deliberately throws away his love and humanity just as much--if not more!--than his manga counterpart.

to understand what i mean it’s important to compare light’s relationship with his father between the adaptations.

in the manga, light grows up idolizing his father, loving and admiring him and wanting to follow in his footsteps as a police officer. his morality that leads to him ultimately becoming Kira comes from Soichiro, as does his dissatisfaction with the world as he sees his father work himself to the bone trying to eradicate crime that seems to never end.

there’s a lot more that can be said about the nature of their relationship and about how Light desperately seeks his father’s approval, but instead of typing out an entire analysis i’ll link you to this post by tumblr user mikami [LINK], which is a very good analysis of the two of them in the manga.

conversely, in the drama Light begins much the same, but Soichiro choosing to chase a criminal instead of being by his wife’s deathbed--leaving his children to witness their mother’s passing alone--strains Light’s relationship with him. Light has much of the same morals and worldview as manga Light, but now believes that his father’s morality is more or less worthless, since he had to give up his family to pursue justice.

Light: When my mother died when I was a kid, my father was off chasing a criminal… I thought my father’s form of justice couldn’t be worth much, if he had to sacrifice even his family to see it through.

– Episode 7

however, it’s important to note that while Light is cold with his father and resents his occupation, that does not mean that Light does not still love and idolize his father. he wants his father’s love and support, and he cares as deeply for him as does his manga counterpart. in fact, drama light only becomes kira out of a desire to protect his father--after his first, accidental murder, he throws away the Death Note and tries to forget about it. however, his father is taken hostage by a criminal who intends on seeking revenge for Soichiro putting him in jail years ago, and Light is forced to retrieve the note and write the criminal’s name to protect his father.

[photo: a zoomed in shot of the Death Note. Light is writing the name “Otoharada Kuro” in Japanese. the penmanship is shaky and nearly illegible from how hard Light’s hand is trembling.]

– Episode 1

Light is literally shaking with terror as he writes the name of the man about to kill his father.

and this is not something Light does lightly--after he saves his father and it’s announced that Otoharada is dead, Light is absolutely stricken with guilt and horror for murdering two people, including the man who was about to kill his father. he saved his father’s life at the price of another, because he loves his father--and his entire family--very deeply.

it’s also worth noting a slight difference between the manga and the drama; after the mock execution, drama Soichiro admits that he believed Light could be guilty and was prepared to die. Light--who at this point has no memory of being Kira and thus completely believes himself to be wrongly accused--does not blame his father for not trusting him. Light, who desperately wants his father’s approval, does not blame him in the slightest: instead, the subject of his anger is Kira himself for putting Soichiro in this position and making Soichiro suffer.

Light: I… I hate Kira. Kira, who made you suffer this way… I hate him so much. Soichiro: Light… Light: Please catch him. I believe that you can catch Kira, Dad.

[photo: Light and Soichiro in an abandoned parking garage. the two of them are crouching beside Soichiro’s car. Soichiro is hugging Light, who weakly raises his hands to hold his father in return.]

– Episode 6

the two of them embrace and weep before collecting themselves and returning to Countermeasures.

by this point in the story, it’s obvious that both versions of Light love Soichiro very much. Light is creating his “new world” for the good of humanity but also for the people he loves the most--his family.

later, the emotional death of manga Light comes after the passing of his father, which he never wanted nor planned for. he never wanted Soichiro to be in a position to get hurt and he is never, ever the same after Soichiro's death, especially because he never gains his father’s approval for his actions as Kira--in fact, Soichiro leaves him with an outright rejection of Kira entirely.

[panel 1: a close up of Soichiro’s eye. he looks like he’s in pain. the speech bubble above his head reads, “I still have the eyes. And according to that Shinigami… Ryuk, I can’t see the lifespan of someone who owns a notebook.

panel 2: Light is standing above his father’s prone body. Matsuda stands behind him, bandages on his face and arms. Soichiro continues, “Light, you’re not Kira… I’m so glad…” Light looks shocked in response, a speech bubble above his head reading only “!” Matsuda says, “O-of course he isn’t! You were still worried about that?"]

the fact that Light can never gain that approval leads to him becoming incredibly dissatisfied and simply going through the motions--it’s what leads to him treating other people like cogs in a machine that will listen to him without any free will of their own, which is what makes him not foresee that Mikami might take action of his own accord. this is how Light gets caught in the end.

in the drama, however, Light experiences more than just his father’s rejection. Soichiro confronts Light directly about being Kira, catching him in the act. this is, of course, Light’s worst case scenario--he does virtually everything he can to lie his way out of it, to get his father back on his side, but fails. Soichiro acknowledges the fact that it was his fault that Light turned out this way, and also that he failed to notice that Light was suffering up until now--and then begs Light to turn himself in, in a scene that echoes L’s confrontation with Light from a couple of episodes prior.

when Light refuses, Soichiro begins to write his own name in the book.

Light: No way. Dad… Stop it. Dad! Stop it! Dad! Soichiro: There’s a struggle going on in your soul right now, isn’t there? That’s what it means to take someone’s life. That’s the weight of a human life. Do you understand, Light? Light: If this suffering is the real thing, I really can’t forgive criminals. I realized it, Dad. Even someone like me… There’s something even I can do to serve the world. Soichiro: How does killing people serve the world?! Light: I’ve sacrificed a lot of things, too! You of all people must understand how I feel! We’re working for the same thing. To protect the peace for everyone. With that notebook, I can create a world without crime! I’m just like you! Soichiro: You’re wrong. Open your eyes, Light. Come back, Light.

– Episode 10

with this ultimate rejection of Light’s actions, Soichiro finishes writing his name and Light allows him to do so. it isn’t as though Light couldn’t have stopped him if he really wanted to, either; on one level, turning himself into the police as Soichiro requested would have saved his father. on another, we see him rip the Death Note from Soichiro’s dying hands moments later as his father attempts to burn the book. Light is perfectly capable of saving the book and only acts when the Note is in danger, not his beloved family member.

of course, we never see manga Light exactly in this position, either, and I can’t say that I think that manga Light would have turned himself in or physically ripped the Note from Soichiro’s hands. both Lights did virtually everything they could to never be in a situation where they had to choose between the safety of their family members and being Kira, and I doubt manga Light would have done well emotionally with Soichiro outright rejecting him, his actions, and his ideology.

however, their actions and behavior immediately after Soichiro’s death is extremely telling. when manga Light is rejected by his father, who died as a result of a plan gone awry, he is completely devastated.

[photo: a panel of Light Yagami screaming over his father’s body. tears are running down his face, and he yells, “Dad! Dad! Don’t you die, damn it!”]

he sheds tears--which are rare for manga Light--and he mourns over his father’s dead body for quite some time. as i said previously, he is never the same man again after his father’s death.

drama Light sheds tears as Soichiro writes his name and is clearly upset by his passing, but his mourning period is immediately interrupted by desperation to get the Note back. he spends Soichiro’s last moments wrestling with him for the Note, and once his father collapses he takes the note, wild-eyed, and holds it to his chest protectively. in this instant, he cares more about the safety of the book than his dead parent--because he had just chosen the notebook, and being Kira, over his father.

after Soichiro’s funeral, Light thinks this:

Light [internally]: Dad really did open my eyes. If I am to become a God, sacrifices are inevitable. No matter who it is that pursues Kira, I will erase them.

– Episode 10

this is Light implicitly saying that sacrificing his family members--sacrificing Soichiro, the man he began killing in order to save--is inevitable if they oppose Kira. of course, this is very similar to the way that manga Light distances himself from Soichiro after Soichiro’s death, to save him from the hurting that it caused him.

[photo: a panel of Light Yagami’s face, zoomed in close so we can only see one eye, his nose, and most of his mouth. He is scowling, most of his eye cast in shadow, and he’s sweating and panting. He asks, “Dad? Are you talking about Soichiro Yagami?”]

of course, all of this begs the question of how drama Light--who began a sweet, gentle boy who was more or less coerced into using the Death Note to begin with--got to a place that even manga Light didn’t have the chance to get to, where he was more willing to save the Death Note than his own father. it’s important to consider another relationship that drama Light has that’s much different from manga Light’s--his relationship to L.

manga light respects L's intelligence and sees him as an equal, as entertainment at times, but he doesn’t like him. not even during yotsuba arc, where they’re ostensibly on the same side--in fact, i would say yotsuba Light has more reason to dislike L, seeing as though he believes L to be falsely accusing him and having tortured him for virtually no reason. they're not actually friends--it’s a manipulation tactic. moreover, L sees him the same way. they were not friends and they both intended on killing each other until the bitter end.

by comparison, drama light and L's relationship starts that way--with the two of them wanting to kill each other, with a pretense of friendship that is actually an excuse to get close to each other to try and test for weaknesses--but the difference is that they, well, fall for their own bullshit. during yotsuba arc, Light’s memories are rewritten in such a way that he believes that L and light are genuinely on friendly terms, and L finds himself over the course of the arc going from respecting Light’s talents and thinking him as something interesting to genuinely wanting him to not be Kira and seeing him as a friend.

if you want to know more about L’s thought processes during the series and specifically the blue scene I recommend reading my analysis about him [LINK] but what is important to note is that L does not want to kill Light anymore by the time episode 8 rolls around. like Soichiro later will, he attempts to convince Light to confess--with the intention, we later find out, to potentially give him a way out. of course, Light doesn’t understand this and believes, for the moment, that it’s a fight to the death--so he writes L’s name in (what he believes to be) the Death Note.

this is intrinsically different from the way Light kills L in the manga. manga Light convinces someone else to do the dirty work and he is absolutely gleeful when L dies, gloating over his dying body--but up until this point L has made manga Light’s life an absolute hassle and expressed time and time again that he intends on executing Kira, who he believes to be Light. L wants to kill him, and they are not friends. while drama Light also believes it’s a “me-or-him” situation, he cannot deny that he actually likes L, that he wanted to be friends with him--he wanted, like Soichiro, for L to accept him and to be a part of the world Kira would create.

[photo: Light, cast in blue light, is bent over double. we’re looking at his face from below, from L’s point of view on the floor. his face is contorted with grief, face wet with tears and spit. He says, “I’d have wanted to be your friend forever.”]

– Episode 8

these are what Light believes to be his last words to L, so he has no reason to lie. he’s weeping as he says it, seeming absolutely heartbroken. this is the first time that Light kills--or attempts to kill--someone he cares about, and it’s the moment he decides to throw his humanity away. if he hadn’t cared so deeply for L before deciding to kill him, I don’t think the scene with Soichiro would have played out quite the same. Light even says it himself right before he writes L’s name:

Light: I can’t afford to lose to you. I’m creating a perfect world, without crime. To see that happen, I… L: Light… Light: I… I’ve decided there’s nothing I won’t do!

– Episode 8

these words are immediately followed by Light attempting to kill L. this is the fundamental moment that Light throws away his humanity, literally deciding that he would do anything for his new world, including killing his friends if they stand in his way. this culminates in him letting his father die and ripping the Note from his hands. he believes that the ends justify the means and that this is the only option he has.

it’s important to note that it isn’t that Light stopped loving his father, or stopped liking L--it isn’t that he lacks guilt over their deaths. it’s exactly the opposite. while their deaths--and the deaths of the Countermeasures team that he planned to take place, as well as the FBI and countless other people--are a necessary evil in order to make the world a better place, Light has to absolutely jump through hoops to justify it to himself and compartmentalize the guilt. as I said earlier, Light saying that Soichiro’s death was inevitable is a way to distance himself from the pain and guilt and rejection he feels, but as he’s dying that guilt cracks back open wide. when he sees that the Death Note is on fire, he panics and begins crawling towards it.

Light: Not yet. I can still do more. If I give up now… What was it all for?

– Episode 11

this is immediately followed by a flashback to Soichiro’s death, where Soichiro questions him about how killing people serves the world--after he crawls a little further, he flashes back again to L, recalling L’s desire to be friends with him.

these flashbacks go to show that Light feels a deep and profound guilt for killing both of them. he’s justified and rationalized it to himself as being for the good of the world--he chose being Kira over both of their lives. however, this means that if Kira fails, if he dies and the world goes right back to the way it was, then all of it was for nothing. he gets himself into a situation where he has to keep killing and killing people he cares about because if he stops then it means that all of it was for nothing.

it’s honestly an incredibly sad situation, that someone so full of kindness would become ultimately cold-hearted in an effort to cope with guilt.

#death note #death note drama #light yagami #soichiro yagami #death note analysis

68 notes · View notes

thatonecitykid · 3 years

Text

I bet on Losing

Hey everyone! Sorry this is so sad.. was already crying so might as well make everyone else cry.This takes place after Endgame but during the same time as Far From Home. Listen to "I Bet on Losing Dogs" by Mitski for the full experience. Word Count: 2517. Have fun angels :)

Peter had finally left for his class trip, Pepper and Morgan had gone to spend their summer in Malibu, the remaining avengers were either in space or had completely disappeared from your life. Here you were after five years of your life had evaporated, and after all this time you had to play your fathers role for all the remaining avengers. You hadn't had the opportunity to cry when you first learned about what had happened. You couldn't cry at the funeral, not because you did not want to, but because you felt as if your father wouldn't want to see it. No one wanted to leave you alone, but after months of trying to dig some type of emotion out of you they had assumed that the death and slow disappearance of your makeshift avenger family had unaffected you.

You finally had the opportunity to exist alone. You had also finally mustered up the strength to visit secluded cabin your father had lived in for the last five years of his life. Although you had been given the keys immediately after the funeral, something about visiting the area made you feel uneasy. Not necessarily creeped out but just as if you did not belong, after all it was something your father invested in after you had already blipped away for several months.

You drove up to the cabin alone, slowly unlocking the door as if to not start or whoever may be inside. Before even entering the cabin, it looks clean, you assume that Pepper has had people cleaning constantly to maintain the cabin. It made sense, it was something she's cherished. You stepped into the cabin slowly and began to look around. The walls were lined with framed pictures of Morgan, family pictures of Pepper, your dad, and Morgan, and random posters and vintage albums. Although you were not the one to complain about it, having no evidence of your existence in the main areas of the home caused your heart dropped. As you wandered through the kitchen and the main family room, there is no evidence of Tony's life prior to the blip, just a somewhat normal family of three.

You decide to wander to the basement area, leaving the office and bedroom spaces upstairs for later. There was a large sitting area that you assumed they watched movies in. There was also a playroom painted pink featuring all sorts of gadgets very similar to those you grew up with that Tony had made for you. Towards the back hall of the basement, it was a glass door to your father's workshop area. You open the door gently and made your way in.

Despite looking like somewhat of a mess, you knew that behind the madness there was a method. You could tell that although your dad left in a hurry, things were placed in specific spots very similarly to how he did in every other one of his workshops. You walked towards his swiveling chair, noticing a metal box with a button on the worktable. You press the button and jump back as a life-size hologram of your father appeared in the room. He began

"Hi Pepper. My love, my muse, my boss. If you are listening to this then I did the one thing you have always told me not to do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the worry I've put you through, and I am sorry for taking myself away from you. I was a gift wasn't I. You've already seen another version of this message, but it never hurts to see your face again my darling."

The tears in your eyes begin to form, not because you had not expected to see your father. At this point you had already seen the message he had left after the funeral; It was only really meant for Pepper and Morgan, never addressing you.. At the funeral you refused to enter the cabin but as you watched the message while standing outside, Happy looked over at you with remorse but you kept a straight face again. Who were you to complain at your dead dad's funeral? Yet this message radiated the same energy.

As the second portion of the message began to play tears began to fall faster. It almost feels like an out of body, sure your dad had taken up different kids during your time growing up, but this message made you feel as If you had been completely replaced. Although it felt like a dumb theory there was no evidence as to your existence prior to Morgan.

"Hello my little scientist. How's my favorite person. Daddy is really sorry I can't be there right now. Be a trooper and hug you mom for me real quick. Now you must be surprised because I'm supposed to be the strongest dad in the world but let me tell you kid, sometimes crazy things happen when put on the ironman helmet. My little minion I love you 3000. My love for you is infinite. You have been and will forever be daddy's best friend."

Here you were crying over a child who had also lost her father, filled with jealousy over the fact that you father had chosen her and failed to consider your return but had prepared for Peter's return, still had projects waiting for Harley, and had in fact set up a stable plan for Morgan's future. At this point you were sobbing, what had all felt like a bad nightmare and jumping to conclusions had started to feel way too real. This emotion was even stronger than when you watched footage from your father suit as the snap happened, this emotion felt like a stab in the back.

Maybe he never loved me.

You tried to collect yourself but were still sobbing when the holographic figure of you father disappeared. You might as well finish the house tour before leaving. The upstairs portion of the house featured Tony and Pepper's room, Morgan's room and two other doors. The main bedroom was tidy and organized, with a closet full of clothes that both Pepper and your dad had left. You walked into Morgan's room and did a quick look around, not wanting to invade child space. Returning to the hallway you opened the door to your father's office. Inside there was a rather simple with a desk, a leather chair, and two matching chairs. The plants in the room were growing well, meaning someone still came to water them. There were a few pictures on the wall, including Peter's Stark internship picture, and a random picture you took of the original Avengers after their first New York battle. On the desk there was another metal box similar to that in the workpace. You argued whether or not you wanted to potentially break your heart more before giving in, siting in the leather seat and pressing the button.

A slim beam of light scanned over your face, confirming your identity, and the box began to play. To say you were shocked is an understatement, as your father's hologram appeared across the desk sitting in one of the matching chairs.

"Hello Munchkin. If you've found this box, then I just going to have to accept that I've failed you. You've been gone for five years and regret every moment leading up to when you snapped away. You really did want to come to space with me, and honestly you would have been helpful, but I don't think I could see you Blip away and have the will to continue. That being said because I am already admitting I was wrong, I should not have had your suit take you to the bunker room, where you eventually snapped away alone. I regret that decision y constantly. On another note, I'm sorry I didn't hug you as soon as you got back, I clearly I cannot really hug anyone."

You had finally given up on holding in their tears. You didn't have to be strong in front of your dad. He had always held you when you cried and this time he couldn't. You tried to wrap your arms around yourself, but nothing felt the same.

"I hope you are crying, because if I'm crying alone during this part, I'll be embarrassed, his image continued as it stood up and leaned against the back of the chair. Munch I know you've probably walked around this house and have found no evidence of yourself. You've probably beat yourself up about how much I love Morgan, but think about it. The amount of time I've spent these last 5 years essentially idolizing you would not have been good for her to experience. "

You rose quickly from the chair. Not even one damn picture?

"Now I know you're wondering not even a single picture. Pick up the projector box and follow me ."

You did as the digital version of your father told you and followed it back into the hallway.

"Put the box down and put your hand on the center of the door. "

This activated a scanner which opened up the door to the room. As you walked in you recognized that this was an exact replica of your room back in the Malibu house. You were still a kid when the original house was blown to pieces but somehow everything was exactly as you remembered it. As you walked further into the room you noticed the large screens, placed like picture frames, which played videos and pictures of you and your dad throughout the years.

Your father walked towards the center of the room, bounded by how far the projector was.

"You see kid, me and you have somewhat the same grieving styles. I have a feeling you didn't cry at the funeral. I have a feeling you haven't cried, at least in a way that someone else could have noticed. You take after me in that sense."

The hologram started to sniffle, your dad had actually started crying when recording this. You really wanted to hug him, the reality of his death hurt even more. You had finally allowed yourself to start grieving.

"Look, I know you used to listen to the song about betting on losing dogs when you wanted to cry, but that does not apply to you at all. You may have gotten a more complicated stick of life, but I can tell ya, this does not need to be your villain origin story. From the first day I took you home I could tell you were a fighter, but I need you to feel as if its ok to cry. I've spent hours on this floor in shambles wishing you were here. The small things that Morgan does that remind me of you throw me into sadness pools constantly. You are my motivating force. I really hope you allow yourself to cry about it so that you can continue in life. I don't think I can stand in this room for any longer before I cannot speak at all, so please take the projector back to my office. "

As you lifted the projector you thought about how much this must have hurt your father to record. Maybe he didn't want anyone to encounter this box except for you. As you placed the box on the desk, you sat back into the leather chair as your father's holograph sat across from you.

"On a different note, you are probably wondering why I seemed to set up a game plan for everyone but you. With Morgan I just made sure she had a comfortable, who am I kidding, lavish funding behind her. I can't dictate what a five-year-old should do. For Harley you know that I've always looked out for him, a position in Stark industries honestly should not have surprised you. Peter is what I feel most conflicted about. I'm not setting him up to become the next Ironman, I'm setting him up to become the greatest version of Spiderman he can be. Well, I know the media is probably going to take it and run having known that Spiderman and Ironman we're friends at some point, but I'm really giving you the biggest responsibility. I don't expect you to live in my shadow, I want you to outgrow it. I think you might be surprised to see everything that I left you, besides Stark industries itself. That's a conversation for another day."

"I know I've been speaking for quite a while, but my baby, my baby yes I called you that. I know how much this has all affected you, and I'm sorry, I am completely sorry and do take full fault for it all. But now because we cannot change the past, let's focus on the present. I want you to know that I loved you with my entire being. I'm not sure how to emphasize this enough but I do want you to know you were cared for, you were loved, and you were thought about for every minute. If you don't get to see this message, and I'm already gone, that means this message will never have to play for anyone. Either I found you and I've given you a new message, or I'm rolling in my grave. Either way my darling I cannot emphasize how much I love you. I do hope for the best for. Before I have to go, I want to see you smile. Sure, I can't physically see it right now, but I can imagine it."

As the recording choked out that last sentence, you flashed a weak smile. A face sticky with all the tears that you have been crying.

Now I know you need to get back home, but when you get back to the city, stop by the shawarma place and get something to eat. you gotta eat Darling. Also don't act like you don't like Peter, you two idiots keep pushing each other away in cannot take it. Now I'm gonna say goodbye mini me. Watch over Pepper and Morgan for me, okay? I love you."

You took one final sweep of the house before heading back to your car. You had cried so much that your eyes physical hurt. You almost felt a sense of comfort having finally released some of the pent-up emotion. As you drove towards the city and towards the Shawarma place you almost felt kind of sad, knowing that all of your friends were in a foreign country. Yet you still felt as if your best friend, your Dad was watching over you. And in all reality that felt as if it was the only thing that mattered.

#stark reader #stark!reader #irondad #tony stark x reader #peter parker #peter parker x stark!reader

61 notes · View notes

a-blue-secret · 3 years

Text

GENRES: non-idol au, taegyu are fiances, yeonbin are married, not angsty but sad, but it has a happy ending I promise

PAIRING: taegyu, side of yeonbin

WARNINGS: Descriptions of schizophrenia, Beomgyu is dead before the au begins, Taehyun faints but it's nothing major

WORD COUNT: 7.8k+

A.N.: I understand that mental illness is a sensitive topic. Therefore, I have tried to make my account of it as accurate as possible. If I have gotten anything wrong, please just kindly inform me for the next time I may write something like this. -now on ao3 here-

SUMMARY: “Taehyun, please. All jokes aside. Do you… can you actually see him?” Yeonjun asked seriously.

“What do you mean? Of course. I know my fiance anywhere.”

“Ex-fiance, since he’s dead,” Yeonjun muttered: not bitterly, just in a matter-of-fact way. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Taehyun, do you think Beomgyu may just be, you know, part of your… hallucinations?”

People passed by Taehyun, offering their condolences, smiling sympathetically. He smiled back, slightly confused, but took their condolences in his stride.

"Mr. Kang, I understand you were the fiance of Choi Beomgyu?”

“I- yes, I am,” Taehyun answered the old man, slightly confused. The man’s gaze softened, and he patted Taehyun’s arm reassuringly.

“Choi Beomgyu was a good man. Being here, at his funeral… it reminded me of what a wonderful person he was. I am glad I had the pleasure to teach him and know him, before his untimely passing. My condolences, sir.” The man bowed, smiling at Taehyun as he moved away. Taehyun shook his head, confused. Everyone kept on saying Beomgyu was gone. Gosh, that boy really had tricked so many people.

It was odd, really. Taehyun was sitting at home one minute, peacefully drinking a cup of tea, waiting for Beomgyu to come home, but then the next thing he knew he was standing in a black suit in church, everyone weeping over a mahogany box. He just didn't understand it. Nothing was making sense. Taehyun frowned and rubbed his nose. It all started when that pesky police person turned up at his door one night.

-----

Taehyun opened the door, smiling brightly at the person. "Oh hello! You're one of those…police dudes right?"

"Yes, I-I am. Would you happen to be Kang Taehyun?"

"That would be me. How do you do?"

"I am doing, um, fine thank you very much. May I come in?"

"So you're telling me… Gyu is… what? He's 'passed on'?"

The police officer nodded gravely. "Unfortunately so, sir. We are devastated that it had to happen this way. The other car driver has apologised profusely, says he'll pay whatever compensation you need. I know that you will be devastated by this news, as I understand he was your fiance and to have him go so suddenly-" Taehyun could only stand there as the officer's words washed over him. "-again, our deepest condolences, sir."

Taehyun shook his head. "No. He's not gone."

"I understand that it will be difficult for you to process this-"

"No, you don't understand. He- he can't be gone!" Taehyun looked around, for any piece of evidence that Beomgyu was still alive. Suddenly, his face relaxed into a relieved smile. "You're being silly. He's not gone. He's standing right there!"

"What?”

The officer looked to where Taehyun was pointing, confused. "W-Where?"

Taehyun sighs. Honestly, were they blind? Beomgyu was right there. He could see him standing behind the officer, clear as day. He was going to say so, but then Beomgyu pressed a finger to his lips secretively. Taehyun widened his eyes with understanding. Ah, this must be a prank! They're pranking the officer!

"N-nothing, officer," Taehyun said instead. "I- just my brain playing tricks on me."

The police officer smiles sympathetically. They bow, and head for the door. "My condolences. I'm sure Beomgyu was a great man."

Taehyun smiled and saw the officer out. Once he'd closed the door, he spun around, looking for Beomgyu.

"Darling?" he called. "The police are gone now. You can come out." Beomgyu didn't answer him. Odd. Well, perhaps he was in a tricksy mood today. Taehyun shrugged. "Well, I'm going to bed now. You come up when you're ready." Turning away, he swore he heard Beomgyu's gleeful giggle come from behind him. He turned around, smiling at the sound. "Come on, Gyu," he laughed. "It's late. We should get to bed."

-----

From that day onwards, people that Taehyun and Beomgyu knew would turn up at their doorstep, tear stains on their faces. They'd hand Taehyun gifts, draw him in for big hugs, and even burst into tears. Taehyun didn't quite understand what was going on, but judging from how their friends talked it seemed that Beomgyu had pulled a prank to make everyone believe he had passed away. He accepted the gifts with a slight smile, rubbed their backs when they cried, and allowed himself to be drawn into hugs.

"We'll organise the funeral," Soobin had said tearfully, clutching Taehyun's hands tightly. "We promise to give him the most beautiful send-off. Don't you worry."

Yeonjun had given him kisses on each cheek repeatedly. "Gyu meant so much to us as well. We can only imagine how hard it must be for you."

"We're here for you," Hueningkai had promised. "I know you're probably putting on a brave front for us, but I promise you don't have to. We'll understand if you cry."

Seeing his friends so teary and distraught made Taehyun tear up a little too. Their obviously upset faces made him feel a little guilty about the prank Beomgyu had pulled, so he'd leaned forward confidentially and confessed.

"Guys, it's a prank," he whispered. "Gyu-hyung is still alive. It's all a prank."

His friends had looked at each other in an almost sad way.

"Taehyun-ah," Yeonjun said gently. "Is this… is this how you've been trying to cope?"

Taehyun blinked, confused. "What are you talking about? It is a prank. Beomgyu said so."

Soobin sighed, and wrapped an arm around Taehyun. "It's okay, it's okay. We can't believe it either. There's nothing wrong with trying to imagine he's still here, Taehyun, but it's not healthy. We'll have to accept he's gone."

Taehyun squirmed out of the hug. "No, you don't understand. It is really a prank. I can show you. Beomgyu?" He turned around and called for the elder, walking towards the bottom of the stairs in order for him to yell upstairs. "Darling? Come on, we need to prove to Binnie-hyung and the others that it's a prank. Beomgyu? Come on!”

Soobin walked up to Taehyun and attempted to wrap his arms around him again. "It's okay to be in denial, Taehyun."

"He's just being temperamental," Taehyun explained. "I didn't give him a good morning kiss this morning, so he's grumpy." Taehyun frowned. "Although to be fair, he'd woken up before me and decided he wanted to play hide and seek. So it's not really my fault I didn't have time to give him a kiss."

Soobin looked over at Yeonjun and Hueningkai, who had walked over to join them.

"Babe, he's really in denial," Soobin said to Yeonjun. The eldest simply sighed.

"Look, Taehyun. We'll organise the funeral. Heck, we'll pay for everything, even the gravestone. Okay? It's okay to cry over it. It's okay."

Taehyun looked at him, confused. They really didn't get it, huh? "... Sure. You can do that. But trust me, Gyu'll reveal it's a prank soon enough, so don't actually spend money."

Hueningkai's eyes had welled up, and he suddenly snatched Taehyun out of Soobin's grip and pulled him into a big hug of his own.

"It's okay to be scared, Taehyunie," Hueningkai whispered. "We'll be here for you."

Taehyun didn't know what to say to that. He patted Hueningkai's back comfortingly, letting himself be hugged. "Thanks, Hyuka."

Hueningkai leaned back, but kept his hands on Taehyun's shoulders, looking at him with wet eyes. He smiled through tears. "It'll be okay," he said, nodding as if to convince himself. "It'll be okay."

-----

That all happened three weeks ago. Now, Taehyun was getting ready to go to church for a special service. Yeonjun had told him to wear all black and, from that piece of information, he gathered there was a funeral of some sort taking place.

"I just don't understand," Taehyun said conversationally as he fixed his black suit. "We're going to church, and we're wearing black. Who do you think died?"

Beomgyu shrugged.

"Maybe one of Kai's distant relatives? The ones in Hawaii somewhere?" Taehyun carried on. "Can’t be someone we know personally, because then I’d be more upset. Maybe he's bringing us along for moral support."

Taehyun glanced at Beomgyu through the mirror. "Darling? Won't you get dressed?”

Beomgyu stared blankly back at him, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Taehyun sighed. "I'm not sure what I did wrong this time, hyung." He turned around, but Beomgyu had disappeared again. Taehyun frowned. “How do you keep doing that?” he asked, turning around in circles. “Gyu? Beomgyu, darling please, we need to go soon.”

Suddenly, Beomgyu was standing right next to him. Taehyun jumped, and Beomgyu stifled a giggle from behind his hand. Taehyun rolled his eyes, smiling.

“Come on, you,” he said. Then he frowned. “Aren’t you going to wear black?” He shrugged, face clearing. “Oh well. The invitation didn’t specify, so it’s okay. Let’s go then, eh?”

-----

It was the aftermath of the service. Everyone had stayed in the church to have drinks and converse with others, reminiscing about the person who had died.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Taehyun said. "Beomgyu is not dead."

Yeonjun set down his glass, turning to Taehyun with a serious expression. "Okay, stop it. This is getting serious now. We were literally just at his funeral service, and watched him being lowered into a grave. I don't know why you think he's still alive."

"Because he is. Look, he's right there-"

He’s not here! No, you look at me! The only part of him that’s here is his body, and that’s in a coffin!” Yeonjun lashed, finally losing his cool. "He's not here, okay? Stop!" He looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly, trying to dispel the tears. Just as soon as he’d erupted, Yeonjun calmed himself as quickly. Taking a deep breath, he looked at Taehyun again, who was watching him carefully after the sudden outburst. "Tell me honestly, Taehyun. Do you really believe he's still alive? And think, actually think before you answer.”

To his credit, Taehyun really did stop and think. Did he believe Beomgyu was alive? Well, yes. He did. But… was there much evidence to show that he was? Other than his random appearances around the house, Taehyun wasn’t sure.

“I… I don’t know,” Taehyun said in a small, confused voice. “He has to be, right? Yeah, because he’s over there.” The apprehension cleared from his face when he saw Beomgyu waving from the other side of the garden. Yeonjun turned around, trying to spot what Taehyun was staring at. When he couldn’t find it, he turned back around to face the blond.

“Taehyun, please. All jokes aside. Do you… can you actually see him?” Yeonjun asked seriously.

“What do you mean? Of course. I know my fiance anywhere.”

“What do you mean?” Taehyun scoffed. “I don’t hallucinate, hyung.”

“But you think you can see him, can’t you? Even think you can hear him. One minute he’s there, but the next minute he’s disappeared. Right? That’s what has been happening, isn’t it?”

“O-oh,” Taehyun faltered. Beomgyu had been doing that a lot recently, now that he thought about it. “He’s just really fast, you know that hyung,” Taehyun dismissed.

Yeonjun looked unconvinced. “Okay, when was the last time you actually touched him?”

“That’s a silly question, not a day goes by where Beomgyu doesn’t…” Taehyun trailed off. When was the last time they’d actually had skin-to-skin contact? Taehyun can’t remember. “Anyway hyung, what’s your point?”

“I did some research,” Yeonjun said solemnly, spotting Soobin and Hueningkai and waving them over. “Last time we visited you, and you kept saying you could see Beomgyu. I did some research and from what I found, and what you’ve told me just now, I think you might… you might…” Yeonjun struggled to form his next words. It was heartbreaking to think that one of his closest friends might be suffering from any sort of mental disorder. Soobin rubbed his back comfortingly, encouraging Yeonjun to carry on. “I think you might have… schizophrenia.”

Taehyun stared at Yeonjun in horror and fear. “No, no no… I don’t. I’m not sick.”

“We don't know for sure, though,” Soobin added, in an attempt to calm Taehyun down. “We’ll need to go to a doctor for them to properly diagnose you.”

“I don't- I don't want to go to a doctor. I’m not sick, I swear!”

“You don’t have to. I visited the doctor’s a few days ago, described your general behaviours… they said it’s likely that you are.” Yeonjun gulped nervously.

He hated seeing Taehyun look so fearful and stressed, and evidently Hueningkai did as well, for he attempted to hug Taehyun. “They said they’ll treat you, but you have to agree to the medication before they can help you.”

Taehyun pushed Hueningkai off, shaking his head. “I’m not sick. I’m not.”

“Hyunnie, please,” Hueningkai begged, holding onto Taehyun’s arms. “Think. You haven’t truly seen Beomgyu-hyung for weeks. Just random appearances of him, right? That’s because of the… the sickness. He’s not actually here. He hasn’t actually been here for about a month now. Please. Let the doctors treat you. We can’t… I can’t… afford to lose my best friend.”

Taehyun’s eyes glazed over. He sat, silent, before suddenly snapping his gaze back to Hueningkai. “You’re saying… Beomgyu has actually died?”

The younger boy nodded, eyes desperate. “Yes, and your hallucinations aren’t healthy so please-”

“So it wasn’t a prank? He’s actually gone?”

“I mean, yes, that’s why we had a funeral-”

“And he’s left me? All alone?” Taehyun’s eyes welled up, as his gaze moved from Hueningkai’s face to the other side of the garden. Beomgyu was no longer there.

“N-no, Taehyunnie, you still have us,” Hueningkai desperately tried to explain. “You're not alone. We can help you- oh my god!”

Taehyun’s knees had buckled, and he suddenly fell against Hueningkai. His eyes blinked shut, dark eyelashes lying in stark contrast to his paper-white face.

“Hyungs, help,” Hueningkai whimpered to Yeonjun and Soobin, who had just been standing there in shock. Yeonjun immediately sprang into action.

“Babe, lift up his legs,” he instructed. “If you do that, I can pick him up. Hueningkai, run to the car and open it. We’re going to have to take him home.”

-----

After his fainting at the funeral reception, Taehyun’s friends had taken to moving in with him for an extended amount of time.

“There’s no way we’re leaving you alone,” Soobin had stated firmly when Taehyun had tried to protest. “It’s not safe. No space? Come on, Taehyun, this house is ridiculously large, even when it was for you and Beomgyu. There’s enough space for the four of us to be here together. We’re not going to leave.”

And when Taehyun had asked why they were staying, Hueningkai had answered with a determined tone. “Because we don’t want to lose another friend.”

Their overprotectiveness carried on for several weeks. One of them would always be home to keep Taehyun company, and they’d constantly let him know that he could talk to them whenever they wanted. They'd assign themselves to be his talk-buddies every few days, and would stick to him like glue until it was someone else's turn to be the talk-buddy.

At the beginning, Taehyun didn’t want to accept that he was potentially a schizophrenic. But, after seeing Beomgyu disappear from where he was standing one too many times, he’d finally broken down and accepted that the love of his life really had gone.

That week had been absolutely miserable for everyone in the house. Taehyun would scream, throw things, and then suddenly dissolve into tears at the most random times. Then came the period where all the emotion seemed to have been sucked out of him, and he’d wandered around the house, as listless as a ghost. Soobin, Yeonjun and Hueningkai begged him to accept treatment, but every time he still refused. Two months after Beomgyu’s death, Taehyun's condition was worse than ever.

His friends couldn't get him to talk, to sleep, to eat. He would randomly appear in doorways, before abruptly leaving. He didn't smile, didn't cry, didn't say a word. Once, Soobin found Taehyun sitting in the middle of his room, staring at the wall. He'd tried to get the younger to go to bed, but Taehyun just shook his head and resumed glaring at the white structure. In the mornings, his hyung would smile and offer him food, even though they knew full well he'd only have a tiny bite before not touching it again. They still tried to pretend everything was fine.

His friends tip-toed around the subject of how emotionless Taehyun was being, pretending everything was still going okay. But there was only so long they could pretend.

-----

One day, Yeonjun snapped. He was tired of seeing his friend wander aimlessly about the house, devoid of any emotion. That day had been particularly stressful, since Taehyun hadn’t slept for the past few days and even refused to eat anything for breakfast or lunch. It was only after copious amounts of coaxing and wheedling that Hueningkai had managed to convince Taehyun to eat some fruit.

Yeonjun slammed his hands down on the table, where Taehyun was meekly picking at some strawberries. The boy flinched, but didn’t lift his eyes from the seed-studded fruit.

“Taehyun. Let me book you an appointment.”

“No.”

Yeonjun sucked in a breath. He wasn’t expecting such an abrupt answer. He tried again.

“Come on, Hyun, you’re obviously not getting any better.”

“No.” Taehyun’s hands clutched the fork tight, fist trembling from the pressure.

"Taehyun, look at you! You're like a ghost. If you get treated, it'll get better, I promise."

"Yeonjun," Taehyun said quietly- too quietly, as Yeonjun didn't hear him and carried on.

"Just, accept the treatment. Please. Let them make you better. You're wasting away by refusing help. Look! You're so thin, your skin is literally like paper, and you can barely eat. Come on."

Taehyun let the fork clatter out of his hands and into the bowl. He looked up, and Yeonjun startled when he realised his eyes were brimming with tears.

“Taehyun, please, just let us help you-”

“I said no, hyung. Stop pressuring me! Please, just leave.” The tears were now pouring out of his eyes, thick and fast.

Yeonjun frowned worriedly. “I- this is not healthy. Let me call the hosp-”

“No, don’t,” Taehyun sobbed, hands pressed firmly against his eyes to try and stem the furious flow of his tears. “I- I don’t want them.”

Yeonjun tried again. “Taehyun-”

Soobin and Hueningkai suddenly ran into the room. Soobin and put up a hand, effectively silencing Yeonjun. “Hyung, stop.” Then he turned to Taehyun, placing a hand on his shaking shoulder. “It’s okay, Taehyun. You just come to us when you’re ready.” He nodded to Hueningkai. “Hyuka, stay with him. Make sure he’s okay.”

Soobin took Yeonjun out of the room, and stared at him disapprovingly. Yeonjun stared back at him, then realised what he’d just done. Soobin pinched the bridge of his nose.

He began, “Hyung-”

“I know, I know,” Yeonjun sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I shouldn’t have forced it upon him like that.” He lightly slapped his cheek. "That was stupid of me. I was so, so dumb. And senseless. I should have realised how stressed he was getting by me going on like that. Oh… I feel really bad now."

Soobin sighed too. “I know you mean well, hyung. But that really wasn't the right way to go about talking to him at all." Yeonjun hung his head as Soobin stared him down. Soobin carried on, "There’s no point in forcing him to accept treatment. His condition isn’t life-threatening at the moment, so there’s no hurry.”

“But there is hurry, Binnie,” Yeonjun said, looking up and holding both of Soobin’s hands in his own. “It… It breaks my heart to see Taehyun like this. He’s not like himself. And his condition could turn life-threatening at any moment, Soobin. You know that.”

“It breaks my heart to see him like this as well, hyung,” Soobin said softly, drawing Yeonjun in for a hug. “But yelling at him to accept help isn’t going to make things any better.”

“I know,” came Yeonjun’s muffled voice. There was silence for a bit, then he spoke again. “So would it be best to leave him alone?”

“I think that’s the best option we have right now, hyung,” Soobin replied. “Hueningkai’s gonna be his talk-buddy for the next few days. Who knows? Maybe he’ll find a way to convince Taehyun to get treated.”

-----

Meanwhile, Hueningkai silently handed Taehyun tissues as the blond cried. He didn't say anything, and just sat by Taehyun, not uttering a word. Every time Taehyun used up a tissue, Hueningkai would tear another one out of the box and offer it to him.

“Do you think I’m sick, Hyuka?” Taehyun mumbled, blowing his nose on yet another tissue Hueningkai had given him. The younger boy sat there thoughtfully, watching as Taehyun took another tissue to dab at his red eyes.

“I don’t know, Taehyunnie,” he said at last. “Sure, you think you can see Beomgyu-hyung, and you’ve shown no emotions over the past week, and yeah, maybe that’s not normal. But then again, no one is normal, so perhaps it’s not that bad.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Everyone’s a bit off their rocker in one way or another, and you just happen to be able to see Beomgyu. It’s okay.”

Through teary eyes, Taehyun looked up at Hueningkai and smiled. He patted the younger’s hand. “When did you become so wise?”

Hueningkai smiled sadly at Taehyun. “When I had to watch my smartest friend be reduced to nothing but a shell of what they once were.” He placed his hand on top of Taehyun’s, and smiled just a little bit brighter. “But it’s okay! Becoming wise is part of growing up, isn’t it? And people change. That's a given in life. Now, let’s not talk about such depressing matters. Do you have any games in your house? ‘Cause I’ve been searching for weeks and all I found were these playing cards.”

Taehyun grinned at his best friend, the tears now drying around his eyes. “Wait, let me show you a trick with the cards first.”

-----

When Soobin had been his buddy, there’d been an uncomfortable air of ‘must protect Taehyun from himself at all costs’. There’d been a lot of soft conversations, with concerned glances and quiet offers of help. Yeah, it had made him feel comforted that he knew Soobin would be there for him, but it also made him frustrated at how he was being treated like a sick little child.

When Yeonjun had been his buddy, Taehyun suddenly became stressed all the time. Yeonjun always had a big presence. One couldn’t help but notice him. And with all of his attention on Taehyun, it made him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. This wasn’t Yeonjun’s fault- he couldn’t help being the way he was- but it still had Taehyun feel on edge for the whole time Yeonjun had been his buddy.

With Hueningkai as his buddy… those days were probably the most normal Taehyun felt since the police came to his door. They’d just talk about silly things, like what would happen if the world turned into food overnight, or theorised about whether there really were such thing as aliens. They laughed and joked and went about their day as if everything was fine. That was one of the things which made Taehyun appreciate Hueningkai so much. He was gentle and kind but also excitable and fun. He didn’t push Taehyun to talk about things that he didn’t want to, instead opting to let Taehyun talk when he was ready. And that day came.

“Hueningkai,” Taehyun said hesitantly as the younger sat down beside him on the sofa.

“Yeah?” Hueningkai handed Taehyun a cookie, stuffing one in his mouth as well. He accepted it, but just stared at it in his hands.

“I just… I want to say thank you, for not forcing me to talk about the… sickness. When I was with Yeonjun-hyung, and Soobin-hyung, they never mentioned it, but the implications of it always hung in the air. You never, ever treated me differently. You even pretended it didn't exist, and I'm thankful for that."

Hueningkai smiled, swallowing the mouthful of biscuit he'd had. "I knew you'd feel either resentful or frustrated or annoyed if you were treated differently. That's why I decided it'd be best just to talk to you as Kang Taehyun, my best friend who I’ve known for years.."

"I'm really grateful you did," Taehyun said earnestly. "And while I appreciate it, I think we might also need to talk about my… condition."

Instead of looking worried or annoyed, Hueningkai just nodded in agreement. "Definitely. While it's good to interact normally, we still need to address the things which are definitely not normal." Hueningkai pointed to the cookie which Taehyun was still holding in his hands. “You gonna eat that?” Taehyun responded by taking a huge bite out of the treat, causing both of them to giggle slightly. Then Hueningkai’s face grew serious, which made Taehyun just a little bit nervous.

“Wait,” Taehyun said. “Can we- can we ease into the subject please? It’s kind of scary to straight away talk about what might be wrong with me.”

Hueningkai nodded understandingly. “Of course.” He hummed, twiddling his fingers as he thought of a topic to talk about. “Ah! I realised that we haven’t really talked about Beomgyu-hyung much. Even at his funeral, we didn’t talk about him.”

Taehyun looked around, nibbling on his cookie apprehensively. “You have tissues ready right?”

Hueningkai patted the box on top of the coffee table. “Right here,” he assured Taehyun. “So, why don’t we talk about the last time we spoke to hyung?”

Taehyun missed the cookie and accidentally bit down on his own fingers. He winced and set it down, sucking on his sore fingers. “I don't remember the last time I spoke to hyung. No wait, I do. It was… it was the day the police officer came to the door.”

Taehyun smiled a little, remembering Beomgyu’s bright, beaming face. “You know how during our lunch breaks the five of us would always meet up to talk? That day, Beomgyu and I had a date. Just a simple one, a quick coffee date in one of the cafes near his workplace. I remember how sunny it was that day, and while I’d complained about the brightness, the whole time I couldn’t stop staring at his face. The sun bathed him in a golden glow, and he looked absolutely beautiful.” Tears pooled into his eyes as he remembered that day. “I remember thinking how lucky I was to have him, and hoping that he’d never disappear.” Taehyun sadly took another bite out of his cookie as a few tears escaped the corners of his clenched eyes. “That thought aged well, didn’t it?” he said bitterly. Hueningkai rubbed his thigh comfortingly.

“It’s okay, Taehyunie,” he said. “It hurts, but it’s better to hurt together than alone.”

Taehyun sniffled, accepting a tissue that Hueningkai offered him. “We talked about the usual fiance things. Wedding plannings, honeymoon plannings, jokes and the simple things in life. At the time, it felt trivial, insignificant- it was just another date out of the many more we thought we’d had.” The tears came faster, and Hueningkai hurriedly handed Taehyun a bunch of tissues. “And then at the end of our lunch break, we parted ways, saying what we always said- ‘I love you, see you soon’.” Taehyun had to stop talking for a few seconds, and close his eyes against the sudden onslaught of memories. The emotions were overwhelming him; a lump was forming in his throat that he just couldn’t will away.

Remembering Beomgyu’s smiling face as he’d bid Taehyun goodbye made his heart ache. He realised just how much he missed Beomgyu- the real Beomgyu, not the ones out of his hallucinations. Taking deep breaths, he opened his eyes again.

“So yeah, that was the last time I saw him. You know how I always end work earlier than Beomgyu, so I was waiting for him to come home when… when it happened.”

Hueningkai smiled reassuringly. “At least your last memory of him was happy, wasn’t it?”

Taehyun dabbed at his eyes. “I suppose so. Why? Is your last memory of him not happy?”

“Oh, no, it is. But it’s also not-so-happy at the same time.”

When Taehyun tilted his head in confusion, Hueningkai explained. “The last time we spoke was over text. A few light conversations, jokes. He said he and I should meet up sometime. It’d been ages since we’d talked, one-on-one. We’d agreed to go get ice cream together, hang out at the park next to our old school.” Hueningkai smiled a bittersweet smile. “The day we’d planned the hangout was the day after the accident.”

Taehyun felt himself tear up on Hueningkai’s behalf. “Oh… hyung was excited for that as well. He told me how much he was looking forward to hanging out with his favourite dongsaeng. That’s… that’s a real shame, Hyuka.”

“Yeah, well,” Hueningkai shrugged, attempting to mask the sadness. “Fate is nothing but cruel, right?” He looked up at Taehyun, smiling a wobbly smile. “It’s fine. I just can’t imagine how awful it must have been for you, though.”

Taehyun peered back at him worriedly. He placed a hand on top of Hueningkai’s, and spoke in a soft tone.

“It’s okay to show how you really feel, Kai. It’s okay. Don’t pretend you’re fine when you’re really not. I can see how much you’re hurting inside. You don’t have to hide it.”

Even though Taehyun was the one who was supposed to be mentally unstable, the one who was supposed to need someone to support and take care of him, here he was, offering his own support to his friend, because he saw how much he needed it. He smiled reassuringly. “I’m here for you."

Hueningkai had always been a gentle soul. Gentle, compassionate, and kind. He was also delicate. No, he wasn’t fragile- he wasn’t one of those easy-to-break people, but he was just more delicately built compared to others. Losing one of his dearest hyungs, and almost losing his best friend too… well, it was enough to test even the mental wellbeing of someone as strong as Yeonjun. Poor Hueningkai had had to grow up too fast. He’d had to watch as his little, perfect world suddenly crumbled, and had had to hastily cover his own delicate heart in order to try and fix the broken hearts of his friends.

Those five, small words, those five, tiny syllables, were enough to expose Hueningkai’s delicate heart. Yes, he’d cried the day they’d turned up at Taehyun’s door after hearing the news, but that had been about it. He hadn’t been able to cry after that.

Now, he cried with his whole heart. His whole, gentle, loving heart. He cried for his hyung, who would never live a full life; he cried for his hyung’s family, who would never see their son grow old; he cried for his friends, who would never be able to hear Beomgyu’s bright laugh again; and then he finally cried for himself. He cried because he’d never hear his hyung’s comforting voice, never hear his thoughtful words, never see his fingers dance across the guitar strings, never feel his comforting presence in the world.

He cried, poured out all his sadness and grief over the loss of Beomgyu into his tears. He let go of all the pain and devastation he’d experienced from the news of his hyung’s death. He cried because he missed Beomgyu, missed his sunshine-y hyung who would never again grace the earth with his smile. All throughout his tears, all throughout this, Taehyun hugged him close.

Taehyun hugged him tight, wrapping his arms around Hueningkai, holding him as his shoulders shook with the force of his tears.

“Shh… shh… it’s okay, Hyuka. Cry as much as you want. Let it all out,” Taehyun murmured softly, rubbing Hueningkai’s back. “You’ve been so brave. It’s okay. Shh…”

The sobs wracked his body, and Hueningkai cried so forcefully that he had trouble breathing for a few moments.

“I- I shou-ldn’t be cry-crying so mu-uch,” Hueningkai sobbed into Taehyun’s embrace. “Y-you had to su-ffer wo-orse than m-me.”

“Nonsense,” Taehyun said gently. “You were his friend too. You’re allowed to cry for his death.”

“B-ut you-ou h-had i-it so mu-uch worse,” Hueningkai hiccuped. “A-and you ne-ever cri-ed like thi-this.”

“Maybe not, but I have my sickness, don’t I?”

Hueningkai just cried harder. “I-I feel so-o sorry fo-for you, Tae-Taehyunie.”

“Shh… It’s okay, Huening-ah. It’s okay.”

They stayed like that for another half an hour or so, until Hueningkai’s tears had slowed a little.

“I didn’t- I didn’t know how badly you felt,” Taehyun said worriedly as he handed Hueningkai the tissue box. “I should have noticed.”

“ ‘s not your fault, Taehyun,” Hueningkai sniffled, blowing his nose. “You had too much on your plate already.”

“My plate is never too full to look after the happiness of my best friend,” Taehyun replied. Hueningkai just shook his head, smiling.

"You're too caring," he said jokingly. Then his tone grew serious. "Come on, you should focus on yourself."

Taehyun swallowed. "Can I… can I confess something? Promise you won't tell hyungs?"

"Of course."

"I- I'm scared of the treatment. I never thought of myself as mentally unwell before, and now being told I'm sick and need to be fixed? It's scary."

Hueningkai took the half-eaten cookie out of Taehyun’s hands and set it down on the table. “It’s completely understandable to feel scared. It’s okay.” He wrapped his hands around Taehyun’s, gently, to try and soothe their trembling.

“Look,” Hueningkai said. “I’m going to be honest as well. I really don’t… care if you accept treatment or not. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice for you to be back to your normal self again, but if it scares and worries you that much, it’s okay. We’ll support you whatever you choose to do.” He smiled, holding Taehyun’s hands tight. “Your happiness is the most important thing. Whether you’re sane or not? Pssh. We’re all a little crazy. It’s okay.”

Taehyun began to tear up again, but this time it was out of happiness, not sadness. “Thank you, Hyuka. I- just thank you.”

“Any time, Taehyunie. Any time.” Hueningkai smiled. He squeezed Taehyun’s hands a little. “But seriously though, it would really benefit you if you let yourself be treated.”

“I know. I know.” Taehyun took in a deep breath. “Actually, what I wanted to tell you was that… I decided I was going to accept treatment.” He exhaled. The words, when he’d tried to say them before, had stuck in his throat and built up an enormous pressure inside his chest. But now, after he’d actually said them, he realised it wasn’t really that big of a deal. The words which had worried at his mind for days were, he found, simple and almost relieving to say.

It was a simple thing, saying the words, but the promise was so much bigger. It was a promise of, 'I will become stronger', a promise to overcome what had been a dark, hard time in Taehyun's life.

It was with that confession: those tiny, tiny words with their big, big meanings- it was at that time, that Taehyun began to heal.

-----

Life after that seemed to become so much brighter. The dark cloud of stress and worry and fear that had hovered over their lives lessened. When Taehyun had told Yeonjun and Soobin (with Hueningkai there to encourage him), it would be a lie to say that the two eldest hadn't broken down into tears. Tears of happiness and relief, of course.

The road to recovery wasn’t smooth, though. Taehyun knew this. But, for Beomgyu, he’d endure everything- all the pain, all the tears, all the frustration- because he knew the elder would want nothing more than for Taehyun to be well.

Sometimes everything went fine. Taehyun was going to therapy, and had weekly visits from a social worker who came to have tea and chat. They were pleasant; he was never pressed too much to talk about things, and at times they seemed to even like how he'd stay silent. He had his friends, as well. They supported Taehyun every step of the way, reminding him each day that he had them, and he wasn't alone. He had them, and they would never leave.

Sometimes though, the coddling and gentleness became too frustrating to bear.

If Taehyun's patience had been worn thin by the counsellor's patronising tone, he'd lose his cool and start yelling at them. If the social worker attempted to make him drink that weird herbal tea one too many times, he'd storm out of the room in a flare of his temper. If Soobin tried to get him to eat on a day when the medicine's side effects were particularly harsh, he'd snap and push away his friends out of anger.

Other times, when it was really, really terrible and he just couldn't take it anymore, Taehyun would beg his friends to not make him go to therapy. He'd fall against them, tears staining his cheeks, begging them not to make him go back, because I hate it, please, don't make me go, please, please I hate it, I hate it so much, please. Soobin would look at Yeonjun and Hueningkai, sigh, but say nothing. The next counselling session, however, Taehyun would always clamber into Yeonjun's car with a sullen face, neither resisting treatment nor willing to eagerly participate in it. And then the cycle would repeat.

It was a hard process. But still, Taehyun's friends stuck by him, and it was probably due to their support that Taehyun managed to heal. And three years after Beomgyu's death, he was better. Not completely the same as he'd been before the life-changing day, but better than he had been for a long time.

"Kai!" Taehyun laughed, hitting the younger. "Don't sneak up on me! You know the last time Soobin-hyung did that, I almost poked his eyes out with the brush!"

Taehyun's friends had never really moved out of his home. In a way, Taehyun was grateful that they stayed. It would have been lonely to be in the big house all alone. It was three years after Beomgyu's death, and life had gone on. Sure, it hurt at first, but the sharp stab of pain eventually numbed to a dull, throbbing ache. It would never go away, because their memory of Beomgyu could never go away, but they learned to live with it.

Hueningkai stuck his tongue out. Taehyun tutted. "You're 25 now, yet you still continue to act like a child? This is exactly why Yeonjun-hyung won't let you drive round his car when you ask him to."

"Hmph! Like he let's you drive it around!"

"You know it's because he's afraid I'll have another hallucination and crash the car. You, on the other hand, are just a walking disaster."

"Hey! I'm 25 you know!"

"Yeah, but you're still 15 at heart."

Hueningkai grinned. "Yeah, and so are you." He looked around, spotting at the half-painted canvas propped up on the other side of the art studio. "Another painting of Beomgyu, I see?"

Taehyun covered the painting with the black cloth. "Oh, shut up. He was my fiance, I'm allowed to paint him. Besides, it's actually a painting of all of us. It's not finished yet."

"Aren't you glad they recommend art therapy to you? Yet another good thing that came out of those sessions."

"Yes, because pushing a brush along a canvas saved my life," Taehyun stated sarcastically.

"Yeah well, it did, didn't it?"

"...Okay yeah, but that's not the point!"

Ever since his counsellor had mentioned art therapy to help him heal, Taehyun hadn't stopped painting, even after his treatment ended. He found that expressing his feelings through colours and paints helped relieve him from all his stress and worries. At first, though his understanding of shades and tones were not the best, he persevered and now looked proudly at all the canvases of his work displayed all over the rooms of the house. They were far from what someone like Picasso or Turner could do, but they were his own work and in his opinion they were perfect masterpieces.

"Anyway," he said, smiling at Kai. "Was there anything you needed?"

"Nah, just wanted to bother you." Hueningkai cackled as Taehyun jabbed him with the end of a paintbrush.

"You- annoying- brat!" Taehyun said, punctuating every word with a jab at Hueningkai's abdomen. "Go! Shoo! This painting needs to be finished in time for Beomgyu-hyung’s death anniversary!"

"Okay, okay," Hueningkai laughed, retreating. "I'm going! Oh, hi Yeonjun-hyung. Yes, Taehyun! I'm going!" Yeonjun was leaning against the doorway, smiling at the two bickering 25 year-olds.

"Hey Taehyun," he said, walking in and ruffling the other's hair. "How're you doing?"Taehyun looked at him strangely.

"You ask me that like we literally do not live together."

"Ouch," Yeonjun laughed, putting his hands into his pockets. "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to visit Gyu's grave. His death anniversary is coming up, and I can drive you there if you want."

"Oh, I thought you were taking Soobin on another date," Taehyun said, blinking innocently up at Yeonjun.

"Soobin is visiting his parents and has been away for the past three days. You know that," Yeonjun scolded, flicking Taehyun's forehead playfully. "So do you want me to take you or not?"

"Yes please," Taehyun said, standing up and wiping his hands on his apron. "I'll go get dressed into something more presentable."

"Don't be too long!" Yeonjun called. "It's getting dark earlier than usual since it's winter, and we should go there before the sun goes down."

-----

They reached the cemetery as the sun was low in the sky, bruising the sky with its gentle blue hue. As Taehyun undid his seatbelt, he noticed that Yeonjun wasn't coming out.

"Hmm? Hyung, aren't you coming?"

"I- I came yesterday." Yeonjun said shortly, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. Taehyun's heart melted with sympathy. Even after all these years, it seemed Yeonjun was still hurt. He patted the elder's hand.

"It's okay, hyung. I'll go then."

"Don't be too long!" Yeonjun called after him. Taehyun gave him a thumbs up without looking back.

Hands deep inside his coat pockets, he trudged along the snow-edged paths. When he reached Beomgyu's gravestone, he buried his cold nose deeper into his scarf and sighed. He leaned down to touch the cold granite. Gently, he traced the carved letters, smiling to himself.

"Oh, Beomgyu," he said aloud to the chilly winter air. "You were too young to die." Before, the words would have been said with devastating hopelessness. Now, Taehyun uttered them with a joking smile on his face, only a hint of sadness tainting the edges of his lips. A breeze whipped itself through Taehyun's hair and he looked up to see Beomgyu standing there.He startled a little, taking an involuntary step back. It had been a while since he'd last had a hallucination.

The figure smiled, and silently looked at Taehyun. The younger was unfazed by the hallucination- he knew how to deal with them now. But at that moment, he decided it would be nice to talk to Beomgyu - even if this Beomgyu was just a figment of his imagination - one last time.

"It's been ages, hasn't it, Gyu?" Taehyun said, looking back down at the gravestone. Beomgyu looked sadly down at it as well. Taehyun swallowed, and raised his eyes. "... I miss you."Beomgyu smiled a little forlornly, and reached over to pat Taehyun's shoulder.Taehyun carried on, "During the early days, I couldn't even properly mourn because of my illness. And then, I couldn't visit your grave for ages because they said it might trigger the hallucinations to come again." He chuckled. "Guess they were right. This is the first 'vision' I've had in ages, did you know that hyung?" Beomgyu's eyes sparkled as he gazed at the younger. "Anyway, it was only really a few months ago that everything became sort of normal."

Taehyun kicked at the snow. "And I miss you, hyung. I really miss you." He looked up to find Beomgyu giving him a fond look. He smiled back. "But you know. In a garden, one always picks the most beautiful flowers first, right? And besides, I'm doing okay now. I miss you still, so much, but life is full of ups and downs. This was a really big down, but you know…everything happens for the better or worse, and we just have to deal with it.”They stood there in silence, both of them looking down at the gravestone.

"I just- I can't believe that you're really gone," Taehyun said to himself, feeling tears build up behind his eyes. He quickly wiped them away, taking a few breaths before smiling at Beomgyu.

"I shouldn't cry," he said, trying to laugh a little. "I came here to say goodbye, after all." He nudged Beomgyu. "And I know you never liked goodbyes to be sad."

More silence swept through the cemetery, and this time it was a heavier one. The sky was growing darker, and Taehyun knew he'd have to say goodbye. He was reluctant to say the first farewell, and this must have been evident on his face. The elder turned to him and gently touched his nose to Taehyun's. Beomgyu's eyes were sympathetic and kind, with a look of 'it's time' in them. I love you, Taehyun darling.

Taehyun sighed, knowing the time had come. He stood up on his tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss onto Beomgyu's dark hair.

"I love you too, darling. Always," he murmured. Then he closed his eyes and squeezed his fists tight so his nails dug into his palms, just like the psychiatrist had taught him to. When he opened his eyes, Beomgyu was gone. And yet, it didn't hurt Taehyun's heart as much as it used to, when he first saw Beomgyu disappear. He knew that the elder was still with him, inside his heart.Taehyun gazed at the granite engraving of his love's name, before turning around and walking away.

He looked up towards the sky, and sent his thanks to any god that may be out there. He thanked them for letting him have Beomgyu in his life, because, although he may not have had him forever, the moments they shared would be treasured by him until the end of time.

Blue hour faded as Taehyun walked out of the cemetery, and while his eyes were heavy with unshed tears, his heart was light with happiness- and love.

#ahahaha guess who almost went over limit posting this here :)#txt taegyu #taegyu #txt fluff #txt fanfic #yeonbin #tomorrow x together #txt taehyun #taehyun #txt beomgyu #beomgyu #tw//schizophrenia #tw//mental illness

24 notes · View notes

welcometothecityyy · 3 years

Text

Summary: Julian always seemed to be bothered about something, and Eun seems to notice. What is he hiding? Or...more like what are they hiding?

Character(s): Park Joo-Won/Julian; Huang Eun-hee/Eun (Julian/Eun). Mentions of the rest of the group.

Other Mention(s): Jaxon of WATCHERS (@watch1ngyou)

T/Ws?: None really - besides LGBTQ talk so if you're uncomfortable with any of that, I suggest you don't read ahead. (Though really, why would you be on my blog if you don't like LGBTQ things in the first place?)

⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐

"Alright that's it for today," Hyun-Woo yawned as he stood up from his spot on the floor to stretch out his arms.

"You boys did so well today," Their dance instructor commented as he handed a water bottle to Julian. Julian smiled a bit, nodding slightly. Eun, who stood next to him, noticed his friend's smile faltered a bit.

"Haha..." Julian laughed weakly. "Thanks..."

To the rest of the boys, Julian's weak laugh could have just been him being tired. After all, it was 1 in the morning and they just finished practicing.

But Eun could hear the hint of sadness. There was something wrong with Julian, and he seemed to be a bit bothered by something. The younger one couldn't help but feel curious about what his older friend was hiding.

⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐

As the rest of the group walked back to their dorms, Julian walked slowly behind, sighing to himself. Just as he was about to try to catch up with the rest of the group, he felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked to his side to see Eun walking next to him, holding onto the sleeve of his hoodie.

"You okay hyung?" Eun-hee asked softly. At this Julian hesitated to answer.

Was he really okay?

The answer was clearly no.

He wanted to cry after he was asked that.

But Julian didn't want to burden his friend with his answer.

"Yeah I'm fine," He said quietly. "Why'd you ask?"

"Nothing I just saw you looked a bit down," Eun mumbled. Julian chuckled.

"Haha, you're worried about me?" Julian said. That earned him a soft punch on the arm.

"Of course I do, idiot," Eun-hee said, shaking his head. "You need to take care of yourself more."

"Yeah..." Julian mumbled as the two continued to walk. Eun hummed.

"You know Juls," He said. "I'm here for you if you want to talk."

Julian bit his lip.

Don't cry, don't cry.

"Yeah, I know," Julian answered again. "And thank you for that."

Eun smiled softly, slipping his hand down to hold Julian's hand. Julian smiled at the small affectionate gesture, intertwining his hand with the younger male's hand.

For the first time tonight, Julian smiled all the way back home.

⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐

Eun-hee looked out on the balcony of his group's dorm, looking up at the stars. Though it could be barley seen because of the city's bright light, the stars were still there and sparkling over the sky.

He liked watching the stars at night, even if he should be in bed at this time.

Eun felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulder.

"Isn't it a bit late to be star gazing?" A familiar voice said. Eun turned around to see Julian smiling at him.

"Shhh don't be too loud," Eun said as he turned back around, looking at the stars. He allowed Julian to continue stand behind him and admire the sky with him. "I just had something on my mind...that's why I'm here."

Julian hummed, "What is it?"

Eun sighed and turned around to face Julian. "I know you were lying to me back there."

Oh crap. Was it that obvious?

"Why?" Eun-hee asked softly. Julian gulped, looking away. "Julian-"

"Shh, I'll tell you," Julian said as he grabbed Eun-hee's hand and pulling the younger boy with him. "Just be quiet so we don't wake up the others."

Eun let Julian pull him up the steps of the dorms to the rooftop. His eyes lit up as he could see the stars more clearly now that they were higher on the building. Julian sat down on one of the couches that was set up on the roof and Eun followed, sitting down next to him.

"So...?" Eun-hee asked. Julian bit his lip. "You can tell me anything Juls."

"I just don't...I don't understand it."

"What's 'it'?"

"Everything!" Julian sighed. "Look, I like being an idol okay, but it's all bullshit." Eun could only hum and continue to listen to his friend rant.

"Boy-group this, and girl-group that, we're all separated by who we're seen as, who we're born as," Julian said.

"But what if...what if there's people who don't identify as being a girl? Who don't identify as being a boy?"

"And what if some people don't identify as neither a boy or girl?"

Julian let out a frustrated sigh.

"And what if I'm one of those people huh?" He mumbled. "Trust me, I love you guys and I love it here in this group, but I hate that we're called a 'boy-group' when not every one of us is a boy."

"And what if-"

"Julian," Eun finally cut him off. Julian went quiet, afraid of what his friend might say.

Did he say too much?

"Juls, you're right...it is frustrating that we're trapped in this gender binary thing. And it's even more frustrating that things are separated by it too," Eun-hee finally said.

"I don't care who you identify as - be it male, female, both or gender-neutral non-binary - I still love you for you. We still love you for who you are."

"But...what will other people think?"

"Well then they can think what they want because you're special, Juls. They can hate you, they can be happy for you, it doesn't matter."

"What matters is if you're comfortable for who you identify as a person. Like I said, whoever you identify as doesn't affect how we think of you. You're still our family. A member. A part of ENTERNAL WONDERLAND. And you'll always be." As Eun finally finished, Julian lunged at him and hugged him. The tears at the corner of Julian's eyes finally spilled out.

This was what he wanted. What they wanted.

They just wanted to be accepted.

"Thank you..." Julian mumbled. Eun smiled softly, hugging Julian back.

"Of course Juls," Eun-hee said. "And I'll always be here by you're side whenever you're ready to tell our members."

"Do you think they'll act positively too?" Julian asked. Eun nodded.

"I'm sure of it," He smiled. "We'll be happy about it. I'm glad I was the first one you told me."

"Well actually," Julian laughed lightly. "I kinda told Jaxon when I first started thinking."

"Well then," Eun said. "I'm glad I'm the first one in the group to know about this."

⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑❉⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐⋑⋐

Back inside their room once again, Julian smiled as he gently ran his hand through Eun-hee's hair, who was sleeping beside them.

Eun's words played back in their head as they tried to sleep.

Gender-neutral non-binary..

Julian definitely knew that they didn't identify as a female, but being labeled as a male felt like it was too loose for them either.

I guess Eun's right...it doesn't matter who I identify as...as long as I'm comfortable with who I identify as...then they'll all be happy for me.

Closing their eyes, Julian felt themselves slowly fell into their tiredness. And for the first time in days Julian fell asleep with a smile on their face.

#aeskocnet #aes!ocnet #koc boy group #koc group #koc #kpop oc gorup #kpop oc boy group #oc boy group #oc idol #oc group #idol oc #etrnlwndrlnd.julian #etrnlwndrlnd.eun #eternal wonderland #{աɛʟƈօʍɛ ȶօ ʍʏ աօռɖɛʀʟǟռɖ}#etrnlwndrlnd.txt

6 notes · View notes

ggreactionsandscenarios · 4 years

Text

Yeojin x Reader

I'm here for you, I got your back and I always will

Requested by : anon 🐱🐉🐽

When Yeojin told you she wanted to enter the company known as BlockBerry Creative, as her big sister, you felt proud but also worried about her choice. Worried that she'll be sad if she wasn't accepted.

Sadly it happened and Yeojin was disappointed of course, she started crying as soon as she got the news. You've been there in every difficulties of her life as a caring and loving big sister so obviously you were there for her this time too.

"Hey, stop crying baby, it was your first try it doesn't mean your not talented, you're super talented. Let's just try an other company."

"No I don't want to."

You sat next to her, enveloping her in your arms even if she had her head on her knees.

"What do you want to do then ?"

Yeojin always liked the fact that you were never forcing her to do anything, you were there for her but she was still the one choosing.

"I want to try again. I want to train more and go back to BBC to audition again and show them that I'm worth it."

You smiled, she'll always surprise you by how she was getting more motivated after every defeat.

"Should I call the dance teacher immediately ?"

You knew Yeojin would pick up at those words, she got her head off her knees and looked at you with loving eyes, your favourite ones.

"I love you so much Y/N !"

Yeojin's body crashed on yours, hugging you tightly and crying even more but from happiness this time.

"Come on stop crying big baby, I'm here for you, I got your back and I always will."

After training with her for a month, you knew she was ready to go audition for BBC again.

"You're ready ?"

"I can't wait to show them unnie."

You smiled, kissed her forehead and got to the audition room with her. There was no way you would let her audition without being there. As you entered the room a lot of people looked at you wondering what was doing someone like you here, but you didn't even spare them a glance. Your only concern was Yeojin and her wellbeing as usual.

"Name."

The pompous man was everything but nice, he was talking harshly without even giving a look at your sister. Yeojin didn't seem phased at all and you were proud of her for that but you had the urge to punch him in the face for talking like that to your sweet Yeojinnie.

"Im Yeojin."

"Go sit with the others."

Your jaw clenched at his lack of kindness and consideration, this time. Seeing you were about to speak your mind and not in a nice way, Yeojin grabbed your hand and pulled you to the bench before you could say things you'll regret.

Once sat, she played with your fingers, at first you thought it was only because she was trying to calm you but you finished by suspecting it might also be due to her own stress. She was rapidly called, so you gave her a kiss on the temple and a reassuring nood.

"Come on little sister, show them what talent is. And don't worry I'm here for you, I got your back.."

You didn't have to wait a long time for her to finish your anthem, she was used to it."

".. You always will."

"That's it, now go."

Yeojin looked so good while dancing and singing, her performance was as perfect as always. The judges were dumbfounded, the girl they saw a month ago was now at an all new level of dancing.

After a moment of debate between the three judges, one of them stood up.

"We won't take any more auditions in, we have the one we need, thank you."

Yeojin jumped in your arms. She did it, she was now part of BBC.

"Thanks Y/N, without you I couldn't have done it. I love you so much."

"I love you too."

Before you knew, Yeojin had become an idol, and debuted in the girl group Loona with eleven fellow members. All of them becoming her unnies, which was, you had to admit really weird for you and sometimes even upsetting.

At first you had some sort of jealousy rising up when Yeojin would turn to someone else than you for advices. But now, you understood that it was nothing but beneficial for Yeojin, she now had twelve people as mental and physical supports.

So even though it took some time, you got close to the others girls, some more than others. You were actually pretty much a big family.

That's why today you were on an interview for the celebration of Family day, an interview that would be diffused on this year AAA concert's website. Yeojin invited you because she claimed it was Family Day so there was no way she won't spend this day with you, her family.

You didn't have to do much, you were off camera just being Yeojin's guest that came watch her and cheer her up when she'll get nervous.

You were proud of how she talked about your family, you knew your parents would be proud while watching this at home.

"So Yeojin, I believe you also have a sister, is that right ?"

When the interviewer asked this question Yeojin's couldn't restrain a glance in your direction, giving you a big smile.

"Yes I do have a big sister. We actually don't have the same dad but it doesn't matter, she is my everything. I love her with all my heart, she is actually here right now, keeping an eye on me as always."

Before you knew it, you were asked to be interviewed too with an other camera. Your face and silver hair were shown on a big screen in front of the girls.

Yeojin gave you a questioning look from her sit but you only answered with a shrug. You didn't know either what was happening, you just brushed it off and dusted off your leather jacket before someone asked you to introduce yourself to the camera.

"Hi, I'm Yeojin big sister Y/N."

"Nice to meet you Y/N, can we ask you what are your origins since you don't really look Korean ?"

"Oh I'm half Korean, our mom is Korean but my father is a foreigner."

"So what do you think about your sister being an idol ?"

"I'm really proud of her, I always knew she would do big things. As soon as she was born she was already an idol to me that's why I fell in love with her. She's my soulmate, we were meant to be sisters."

You looked right into Yeojin's eyes as you said that, already able to see tears coming. You chuckled at how cute she was. The girls were all very touched by what you were saying about your sister, they all could once again feel how much you cared for her.

You gave a wink to your secret girlfriend, telling her you weren't forgetting about her before getting ready to answer the next question. But before asking anymore question the interview said they had some footage of your childhood memories.

On the big screen was now projected the videos from Yeojin's birth, a video of you feeding her milk from a feeding bottle, her small figure in your arms and your eyes as connected as today. The next showed your first dance lessons together, followed by a few recent ones from your month of practice before she debuted.

You heard Yeojin's sobs, she couldn't restrain herself anymore, it was too much memories in one go for her. You wanted to go comfort and hug her but you saw the girls were already on it, most of them crying too.

"You seem to care a lot for your sister, would you say you'll die for her ?"

"I would do anything for her and for her well-being."

You didn't even had to think before answering this question, it was logical for you.

"Do you remember the video BBC asked you to make when Yeojin debuted that was filmed on Family Day ?"

"Yes, they asked me to give a cheerful message for Yeojin to watch when she would feel down and I said exactly the same thing. I said that I would do anything for her."

Yeojin looked at you confused, you never told her anything about this video neither did her company.

"It was supposed to be a surprise for later in her carrier." You explained.

"That's exact, but especially for Family Day BBC allowed us to show her. So Yeojin, do you want to know what your sister said in that video ?"

Of course Yeojin was eager to find out what you said to her company. The video started and we could see you on your motorcycle with your gloves on, you saw your girlfriend gasped at the sight of your badass look.

In the video you explained that you were actually part of a biker gang, involved in women and children protection against domestic violence and harassment.

BBC asked you if they could meet the bikers leader at the time and being like a foster dad for you he accepted to say few words.

"If something were to happen to her group or Yeojin herself, we will come and protect them with all our might. Y/N tells us all the ups and down of the group, we learned to treat them as her family, we love Loona, care about them and also support them."

You were proud to be able to show the girls that they had backups in any circumstances.

"Hey, Yeojin and Loona. I love you all, don't give up, keep working hard. You are now Yeojin's family, girls, so you're my family too. Happy family day, fighting!".

After the final message of the video, the screen turned off, letting you hear them cry even more.

"Come on girls no crying on Family Day."

You opened your arms for them, ending the interview because none of them could still answer any more question. They rushed to your arms, forming a giant group hug.

After some time, most of the girls went to the van, letting you with Yeojin still in your arms.

"Are you going to stay here all day baby ?"

"I should with all the things you said."

As she spoke you noticed how her breathing wasn't as stable as it should be.

"Yeojin are you alright ? Did you take your vitamins this morning ?"

Yeojin didn't answer, she only shook her head, her state getting even worse.

"Okay we're going to the hospital."

You lifted her up from the floor and held her in bridal style. You got to your bike rapidly.

"You need to hold me tight now Yeojinnie, you're going to be fine just hold me."

You rushed to the hospital, in few minutes you were already asking for a cardiologist. You were used to her heart attacks but it wasn't one of her usual one, and it scared you even more.

Since birth Yeojin had troubles with her weak heart but until now some pills did the trick, maybe the overdose of emotions of today exhausted her too much. You couldn't help but feel guilty.

The doctor came back announcing you that Yeojin fell asleep for exhaustion but that after the first exams her heart seemed to had became too weak to keep her alive for more than a few years, starting from now.

You realised that all that idol lifestyle with it's unstoppable rhythm was too much for Yeojin's physical state. She would die in a few years if she doesn't get an heart transplantation.

You weren't ready to lose your sister yet.

You enjoyed your time alone with her before the girls and your parents arrived, called by the doctor. Once they arrived you eclipsed just long enough to ask the cardiologist to do a test in order to know if you were a compatible donor.

Few weeks after you learned that you were the perfect donor thank's to an letter sent by the hospital.

"I can't believe you're going to do that."

Your head turned towards your girlfriend and her crossed arms on her chest.

"Vivi please not again.."

"How can you just say that like it's nothing ?! You're going to die Y/N !"

You sighed, since you told Kahei about your decision, she kept getting angry at you.

"I know that, thanks."

"So what ?! Are you not scared !?"

"Of course I'm scared !"

"Than what ? You just prefer dying rather than waiting for an actual heart donor ? You prefer abandoning me rather than live ?"

"Of course not. I care about you Kahei, I love you. But it's my sister, I'll do anything if it means she'll be safe and yes it includes dying if it's what it takes for her to live an happy and long life."

Vivi got silent.

"Please don't hate me Vivi, I wouldn't be able to live with that."

"I'm sorry.. I'm acting selfishly. I shouldn't be asking you to let your sister die for me."

You took a step forward to embrace her, letting your chin on the top of her head.

"I'm sorry that I'll let you alone, but we still have some time we should be enjoying our time together rather than arguing, don't you think ?"

She smiled weakly at you before kissing your cheek.

"You're right."

"So are you going to help me with the video ?"

"Sit on the couch, I'll go get the camera."

That day you filmed a video message for Yeojin, for when she'll wake up after the heart transplantation. You explained her why you were doing that, reminding her about that interview and what you said about sacrificing your own life for hers if you had to.

"Don't think that I left you, my heart is beating in your chest, and when you're going to be rehabilitated you will dance again and receive amazing awards for it as always.

The bikers will protect you and your sisters the way I used to, they gave me their words.

But remember I am still and always with you, I will dance next to you, and as long as my heart beats in your chest, I am alive and always there, looking through your eyes.

I'm not saying goodbye, this is a new beginning, our new beginning. I'm here for you, I got your back and I always will, remember ? I love you my dear and beloved Yeojin. "

Vivi stopped the recording and crashed in your arms, sitting on your lap. She was crying.

"Hey baby don't cry, let's go get food, I'm not dying today, it's only if Yeojin need me one day."

Hey, here is your request hope you'll like it. It's the longest scenario I wrote so far. As I told you I changed a few things hope you don't mind. I couldn't kill Y/N it was too hard 😐. Anyway give me feedback or else I'll come roast your last brain cells 😅😂😘 -Ael

#kpop girls #girl group #girlfriend #loona yeojin #loonaverse #loona icons #loona scenarios #yeojin #maknae #yeojin scenario #yeojin imagine #im yeojin

40 notes · View notes

lumaejin · 3 years

Text

four | vier | 四

Bad Luck. New company. New luck. You’re getting a new manager. Finally. Your experiences with your last were... let’s say anything but pleasant, so you’re excited to have a new one. Well... only to find that good luck really doesn’t seem to like you.

➳ pairing: manager!seokjin x singer!reader

➳ genre: idol au, sm au, a tiny bit of angst?

➳ warnings: minor swearing

➳ word count: 1272

Seokjin hadn't shown up to work the next day either and you had the odd feeling that it was because of you. Sure, there wasn't a lot to be done in the office which couldn't be done from home, but you did find it weird that he hadn’t contacted you about any matters yet. When you asked around, you heard that Seokjin seldom ever worked from home. People seemed to assume that he must have injured himself in some way, which made it hard for him to come to his office.

Of course, that was a possibility, but you were almost willing to bet that it wasn't the actual reason why he wasn't turning up. You did feel a lot of relief though... it meant that you could postpone meeting him for however long he decided to not come.

You didn't know why you were so scared, you just were.

The two of you had agreed to pretend that you didn't know each other. It meant that the conversation was never going to get too awkward... after all, ‘I just met him’...right? However, you had this feeling… no, you knew, that Jin wasn’t going to keep it like that. It didn’t matter whether he did anyway… it wasn’t like just the sight of him would make all the good times play out in front of you, only for the flashbacks to end in your worst memories.

But Jin really seemed to be the only bad thing about this company. The staff was nice and so were the other artists. You'd met a few of them yesterday when some had come to welcome you. Yoongi had been among them, though he left immediately after saying ‘hi’. You didn’t take it personally however, knowing that Yoongi hated social gatherings. It reminded you of college, of Jin and Jimin dragging Hoseok and Yoongi along to parties, trying to get you to come as well. Heck, it even reminded you of secondary school. It made you remember that you had spent so much of your life by Jin’s side, whether it was as a friend or as his girlfriend. So much of it… At that moment, you really regretted ever starting anything. Maybe, if you had never gotten involved romantically, you would still be friends? You would have gotten over your silly crush, he would have at some point as well… right? Nothing would have been this complicated.

Shaking your head to try and banish the thoughts, you looked through the lyrics jotted down on your notepad. You tried to focus on the words, but it was hard to clear your mind. You stared at the paper for a few minutes, until finally, the words started making sense. You immediately realised that something was wrong with them, it just didn’t… fit together? Maybe Namjoon would help you with it later? He always seemed to have a sense for these things. You stuffed the piece of paper into your bag, getting out another stack of paper. New schedules and dates... Great.

A knock sounded, making you remember that your producer was supposed to be stopping by to talk to you about some ideas for your new album. You stood up and walked past the small keyboard, the swivel chair spinning from the movement.

"It's good that you're here-" you said, opening the door and taking out a piece of paper out of your pocket, "I need to run some-"

You stopped, realising that it wasn't Wang standing in front of you. No, Wang wasn’t this tall and didn’t have hair this long. Wang was completely different.

Shit.

Your eyes widened and you froze immediately, your hand stopping in mid-air. Shit. Shit. Shit. You felt different emotions rushing through your body, leaving you confused. Why was there so much sadness amounting in the pit of your stomach? Why was your heart accelerating, and why the fuck did butterflies seem to float through your stomach as if the sadness didn’t exist? Why were you feeling so… torn? There were flashbacks of the past swirling through your mind, fogging it up and making everything seem unclear.

"Sorry to disappoint," Jin said as if he hadn't just seen his ex for the first time in years, "Wang is still downstairs with Yoongi, but I think he was on his way to you.”

You closed your mouth, trying to regain your composure and clear your mind. You needed to forget about the past. This was not your ex. He would be your manager, that was all. You weren’t connected in any other way.

“Ah… well should have known,” you said, forcing yourself to smile, “Anyway… is there something you needed?”

“Um… yeah,” Seokjin said, surprised by your sudden change of demeanour, though he quickly recovered from it, “We received a ton of requests to sponsor you. I’ve already taken out those companies which won’t fit your image or your schedule, just wanted to check which one you’d like the most out of these.”

“Oh… thanks,” you said, surprised by the amount of choice you’re getting. You had never been allowed to choose your sponsors before, resulting in you sometimes doing advertisements which you weren’t comfortable with at all. You had thought that it was part of the job, but apparently not, “I’ll get back to you later today.”

You placed the paper on the table, expecting Seokjin to leave. Expecting? No, you almost pleaded with god to make him turn around and close the door behind him. No luck.

“I know we said we were gonna forget about the past…” he said quietly, “But I really wanted to talk to you about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you said, dropping the fake smile which you had kept on and turned your back to Jin. You thought that this would show your standing pretty clearly, but apparently, it didn’t.

“I know I’m not in the place to talk to you about anything,” Jin said, “I made a massive mistake and hurt you while doing so. I’m not going to find excuses for my behaviour… but I wanted to ask whether you’d let me at least try to partly apologise for the past.”

“I just want to forget about what happened. That would be enough of an apology,” you whispered, keeping your back turned even though you were itching to see his face. He knew how to control his emotions and expression, but you had always been able to see through that. You wanted to know how he really felt.

There was a long silence, in which you continued to stare at your desk, your monitor, the white wall, the books… anywhere but at him.

“If that’s… If that’s what you really want,” Seokjin said, taking a deep breath. You guessed that it was hard for him to keep his emotions in check, “I’ll um… I’ll leave you to it.”

You didn’t say anything else as you heard the doors closing behind you, continuing to stare at the blank desk in front of you. Still, you couldn’t help but think back to a time where there had been a ‘we’, where it had seemed like the two of you were going to spend the rest of their lives together. You were caught in that state of bliss, only to be transported back immediately by the words that still haunted you till this day. Those last words. A tear rolled down your cheek, but you ignored it, getting back to the piece of paper Seokjin had given you. You looked through the different companies, only taking in half of what you were reading.

➳ Full Story

➳ Continue Reading

I’m kind of new to posting fics on tumblr, so I don’t have a taglist yet. If you want to be added however, simply ask in the comments or send me an ask :)

#bangtanarmynet #bts fanfic #bts #bts x reader #social media au #bts social media au #jin social media au #jin x reader #kim seokjin #jin smau #writing

17 notes · View notes

arreisstorm · 5 years

Text

HAPPY SUGA DAY!

Disclaimer:

****I meant to get this post up on Yoongi's actual birthday but due to Tumblr completely deleting my first draft and having to deal with some crap at work, I haven't really been in my right mind to do so, so unfortunately I wasn't able to get it done in time. Even if it's a little late I hope you guys still enjoy this post!****

So I've been thinking all day what I can say about Min Yoongi that I haven't said already and sadly I'm drawing a blank.

I think everyone knows by now how, underneath that hard and standoff-ish exterior, Yoongi is truly one of the sweetest, most caring members in BTS.

He may be the designated "grandpa" but he can give Jin a run for his money as the "mom" of the group with the way he dotes on every single member in his own way. So instead of me doing a long winded post that loses it train of thought a million times I think I'll expand on how much Yoongi truly loves his brothers:

▪JIN

So when it comes to the relationship these two share, "opposites attract" is the best way I could describe it. While one is outgoing and loud, the other is more reserved and quiet. This duo loves to annoy each other and you can see that every time Jin cracks a face-palm inducing dad joke, and vice versa whenever Yoongi makes fun of Jin for his "old" age. I mean it's obvious to ARMY by now how extra Jin can be at times, but even through all the cringe-worthy moments and second-hand embarrassment, at the end of the day, Yoongi still has great appreciation and respect for him.

▪JIMIN

Like Jin and Yoongi, Jimin and Yoongi are also quite opposites when it comes to their outlook on life. Where Jimin sees positivity, Yoongi is more about realism. It's not that he doesn't want to see the world as a happy place, but he also doesn't want to be blind to the truth either. That's why these two work so well together, one is the lifts the other up while the other protects them from harm.

▪TAEHYUNG

It's no secret that Tae marches to the beat of his own drum, but it is because of this fact that Yoongi finds him so endearing. During an episode of BV the two were partnered up to spend time together and even when everyone else said they would never agree on anything, Yoongi had the perfect solution. He cares a lot for Tae and he knows how hard the past few years have been for him after losing precious loved ones, so he's kind of been the one looking out for him behind the scenes.

▪JUNGKOOK

When it comes to emotional vulnerability, I would say Kookie and Yoongi are two peas in a pod. Neither one chooses to wear their hearts on their sleeves, but on the rare occassions when they do, you can guarantee you will find yourself crying along with them. There's a lot of pressure and uncertainty that goes alongside being the maknae of the group, and even more so when you're the golden maknae, and that's why I think Yoongi has taken it upon himself to help shoulder those burdens by taking care of him. Whether it's sticking up for him, encouraging him, or simply offering to buy him a proper meal, Yoongi has always been a great hyung to Kookie. And who could forget the iconic moment of "Friendship is Irish Bomb"? Haha

▪HOSEOK

Ok, so there's a lot with this relationship. We have day meets night, dark meets light, and cynicism meets positivity. These two contrast so much but still connect on the same level in countless other ways. Both are 2/3 that form one of the best raplines I've ever seen. Both are very passionate about what they do (J-Hope: dance, Yoongi: music) and they have worked their butts off to reached the point they're at now. Because Yoongi is such a realist, he is constantly overwhelmed with the state of the world, and he desperately needs to see the happier side that he might be missing...that's where Hobi comes in. There's a reason he was given the nickname he was given, he provides everyone around him with hope and happiness when they need it most, and that especially applies to Yoongi.

When you constantly find yourself in the limelight it can be hard not to lose yourself within it. You might even forget your sense of self and instead be reduced to nothing more than a preconception told from a cameras perspective; that's when friends are the best cure, and Hobi just so happens to be that friend. These two are important for one another because whenever they're together it seems to be nothing but laughs and genuine smiles. They are carefree and able to be themselves around each other. To have that sense of freedom is probably a rare occasion for BTS in general, but even more so for the one who's know to be the "cold-hearted" and I'm happy he can find it with Hobi.

▪NAMJOON

Finally we have these two: Namjoon and Yoongi.

I've decided to save this one for last because to me they have a bond that completely differs from all others previously mentioned. These two have known each other the longest, have lived together the longest, and have seen each other at their worst points. Before debuting these two would fight constantly, both due to genuine disagreements, and also because of the countless hardships and pressure they had thrown at them. They have grown with each other and have been there to strengthen each other every step of the way.

Yoongi might not be one to express his feelings so openly, but every time I see the clip of him crying with Joon after receiving their first MAMA award It's obvious how much he does care and how much this all means to him.

To be honest, Yoongi never fails to show his love and support whenever his brothers are feeling down, and that especially goes for Joon. With him being the leader of BTS there is so much added pressure and expectations to live up to that it can be overwhelming, and on top of all of it, being the designated translator, writing and producing most of BTS' songs, and also trying to learn the choreography to go along with said song can seem next to impossible; Yoongi sees these struggles and he does all he can to help lessen the weight.

These two honestly do share one of the most profound bonds and I believe nothing could severe it completely. They might still have their fights, I mean they're human, it's bound to happen, but the respect and admiration they have for one another wins out every time.

As much as they love each other, these two also love to screw with each other too. Yoongi constantly makes fun of Joon for his clumsiness and Joon makes fun of Yoongi for his laziness, but in the end these two wouldn't be who they are without the other.

Yoongi once said in an interview that Joon is one of his favorite people he's ever met and if he had to pick a person to spend his last day with he would pick him. Then Joon in a different interview mentioned how Yoongi is basically his mirror and he takes care of the thing that Joon is unable to. These two compliment each other so well, and musically speaking, their backgrounds come from very similar places that they just know how the other runs. If Hobi allows Yoongi to act himself and to let loose physically, then Joon is his emotional release. They know how to have those deep heart-to-heart conversation without worrying what the other might think. Yoongi is able to use his words and is able to open up to Joon about any doubts, fear, or anxiety he might be struggling with, as well as using them to provide Joon with the assurance he needs that he is doing a good job as the leader; and in return, Joon gives Yoongi that sense of comfort and stability whenever he needs it.

Min Yoongi and Kim Namjoon.

Yoonie and Joonie.

Suga and RM.

AGUST D and Rap Monster.

Lil Meow Meow and Killer Dimples.

These boys are one in the same: two overall geniuses who started as underground rappers possessing skills of insane flow and destructive lyrics, then forced to become idols, who eventually helped redefined what idols are, and now are global superstars that have created the golden rapline (with Hobi), are living their wildest dreams yet still remain humble, as well as unapologetic about incorporation crucial social topics into their songs.

There's a reason these two get along so well and that's because of years of being around each other, having the same deep, philosophical thought process, and knowing that hard work, sleepless nights, and finding growth within personal struggles are what it takes to reach your ultimate goal.

The point is, if you're still with me that is haha, is that Suga tends to have this reputation that he is cold-hearted and aloof when it comes to the rest of the members, but honestly who wouldn't be exhausted and not wanting to participate in different events after having not slept for days on end and pouring their blood, sweat, tears (not intentional btw) into their creations?! Suga is one of the hardest working, passionate, individuals out there and if he didn't sacrifice so much for us, far beyond what this post can tell you, then BTS would not exist the way we know it now. It because he is willing to put his own health and well-being on hold --despite ARMY and the boys wishes-- and take on this almost altruistic behavior that I have so much respect and admiration for Yoongi. And anyone who says that this man is cold or that he hates his members...Have you not seen this man's precious, gummy smile when he's having the time of his life with his favorite people? There's a reason he chose to call himself "Suga" and that's because underneath that hard outer shell, deep down Min Yoongi is nothing but pure sweetness who isn't afraid to dream big and wants to see those he loves succeed to their fullest potential.

He is our resident grandpa, a musical genuis, and can spit fire while roasting people with the highest level of savageness you can achieve. He is the 2nd oldest, the hyung who tends to show his love when the cameras aren't rolling, and he is the backbone of BTS who slaves away in the recording studio to produce these insane tracks we all love so much. He is the only one that I've noticed who mirrors and compliments Namjoon's own thoughts and feelings and he is a huge reason why BTS has been so successful like they are.

We love you

Min Yoongi

Suga

AGUST D

Lil Meow Meow

Grandpa Yoongs

I hope you had a great birthday and thank you for everything you have done for BTS in the past, everything you're doing in the present, and everything you will do in the future. You are one of my biggest inspirations and I wish you all the best!

화이팅! 💜

8 notes · View notes

kz-i-co · 7 years

Note

Hi love. Hope you're doing well :) May I get a BTS (yoongi focused?) one shot/scenario (whichever you'd like) to meeting an older (30's-40's) really well dressed fan at a fansign?? The older male would have sent them lots of encouraging letters under an alias and secretly bought them meals whenever he could. It would be their first face-to-face meeting. Please and thank you!

» Pairing: Min Yoongi/ (Male) Reader

» Genre: Fluff / angst

» Words: 1.7k

» A/N: (C/N) = means characters name. I hope this request was what you were expecting, this one was quite the challenge…..Also please note that this story is a very touchy subject and I hope it doesn’t offend anybody :)

» m.list ╫ bts masterlist

“Good show.” Their manager greeted the boys as the made their way back stage.

“Come on Jimin.” Yoongi shouted to Jimin who was sneaking glances out towards the crowd watching them leave. He turned around with a big smile on his face.

As they made their way to their dressing room the atmosphere turned quiet quickly. The boys were exhausted from this nights show. The fans absorb more energy, they thought, but they loved every second of it.

“Did you see the poster that the fan held Jungkook.” Hoseok laughed.

“Of my face? Yeah?” Jungkook answered.

“They think you’re a meme.” Namjoon spoke.

“They think we’re all memes.” Yoongi corrected.

“Ok guys here you go.” The manager handed over each member a bunch of fan mail they received.

They each sat down and took the time to read each letter their precious fans had the generous time to write.

When Yoongi opened his letter he noticed something quite familiar.

“Dear Min Yoongi,

I’m writing to you once again to thank you for all you have done for me. You may not have know this but I get to come home everyday to see my family because you have help me stay strong, you have helped me find purpose in my life and I have never been more grateful. Your music has touched me in so many ways that I don’t know how I would ever repay you. It’s nice to know that we all have each other and that you choose to share your deepest thoughts to inspire so many people. If only I was brave enough to show you my face to say thank you in person. Hopefully some day I can be as brave as you.

Stay strong and healthy, like you made me…

Sincerely, non-spoken letter”

The letter that sat in Yoongi’s hands has once again made him tremble. Brought a tear to his eye like every other letter. Yoongi had has been getting these letters for it seems like six months now. Every letter was so touching in every way. Like he was some therapist listening to every story this anonymous had to say. Between him telling him how his day was or his past nightmares. Just the little things.

Also every letter would thank him which Yoongi was of course honored to hear how a fan is doing well. Yoongi wouldn’t tell the other members because the letters were focused on himself but he sometime would fight with himself to not share because this poor fans life story wasn’t their business, but he felt something different for this fan, he felt a bond.

“Hey you okay?” Yoongi heard Jin ask.

“Yeah.” He hesitated. “I just really love our fans.”

Later that night, the boys were settling into their hotel rooms. Yoongi was rooming with Jin, as Namjoon was rooming with Taehyung, and Jungkook, Jimin, and Hoseok were all rooming together.

“Can we please order-” Before Jin could finish his sentence there was a knock on the door. They both figured it had to be one of the other boys bothering them. Yoongi got up and went to reveal the mystery behind the door. Once he opened it a young lady walked in with a cart full of food.

“Food order for Min Yoongi?” She said.

“Either you’re psychic or this is a mistake.” Jin looked back and forth between Yoongi, the lady, and of course the food.

“Sorry we didn’t order anything.” Yoongi apologized.

“Yet.” Jin pitched in.

“Nope no mistake, it’s all here and paid for.” She started to head out. “Oh almost forgot.”

She turned back. “The order came with this letter.” She handed over a letter to Yoongi.

“Min Yoongi,

Its me again, I hope you don’t mind all these letters but I just wanted to at least show my gratitude with a little treat. I wish I can give you more as much as you given me.

Sincerely, Non-spoken letter.”

“What does it say?” Jin started to get up.

“It’s from a fan.” Yoongi said speechless.

“What? How would a fan even know what hotel we are at, which room we are in?”

“Can you keep a secret?” Yoongi finally wanted to release.

Jin nodded as he sat back down. “I’ve been receiving these letters….and they are very deep and touching and I thought that they were just regular thank you letters but there is something different about these ones.”

“Like how?” Jin asked.

“Well for one, they are all from the same fan….and how much I helped him fight against depression and suicide.” Yoongi’s voice soften.

“Wow.” That’s all Jin could say. He was taken back from the confession.

“I’m very grateful for every letter but now he is sending food….do you think he’s going over board?” Yoongi asked.

“Nope.” Jin pushed the cart to the table. “It’s free food.”

“Yeah but I can’t help but feel bad….I’m happy I’m helping fans but I don’t expect to be rewarded. I don’t want it.”

“Why don’t you send a letter back?”

Yoongi stared at Jin as he dug into the food. He never even thought about it, yet would even get permission to allowed to.

“Theres a return address isn’t there?”

There is…

“Okay.” Yoongi simply said.

…

As the other members were past out asleep, Yoongi stayed up all night writing his letter. This fan meant a lot to him so he wanted to prove it.

The next few nights the boys actually had off so he didn’t mind staying up.

“Daddy….we’re home.” (C/N) heard his two girls walk through the door.

They came up to his desk. “You got mail.” His youngest daughter said handing over his letters, which were most likely bills.

Bill….

Bill…..

“Huh?” He stared at the letter that was clearly different as the addresses were hand written instead of stamped on.

He opened the letter and a note slipped out with 4 tickets. He gasp as he read that the tickets said: BTS fan sign: November 16th 2017 @ 4:15pm.

Then he took the folded piece of paper and straighten it out.

“Min Yoongi.” He whispered.

He wrote back….

He thought that this was a dream. The person to help him through his troubles actually responded.

That means he reads my letters…..

He could feel tears falling from his eyes from the first sentence.

“Dear, Non-Spoken Letter,

Thank you so much for all the letters, I’m glad I was there for you when you needed it, even though it was only in my music. I’m glad we have a lot in common and that my words can show you that the future is always bright and that you should never let your deepest darkest thoughts take control. I honestly enjoy every letter and every word of how you are doing and how your day was. I also appreciate the kind gifts you have showered me with but unfortunately I don’t need it. I’m just grateful for your letters and don’t need you to repay me, I’m just happy to be here for you when you need it. Take the time and spend a little money on yourself and your family because you deserve it by staying strong.

I really wish to meet you because I’ve never been so touched by a fan. Please take these tickets and come to our next fan meet. And I would want the honor to receive your next letter in person. Please be brave.

Sincerely Min Yoongi.”

“Hey Hun.” (C/N)’s wife walked into the room. “You okay?”

He looked up at his wife stunned. “He wrote back.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” His wife took the letter and carried on reading.

“Wow.” She said as she was finished. “He cares.” Her face flushed.

“Do you think he’ll show?” Jin whispered as the stage crew was setting up the tables on the stage.

“I hope so.” Yoongi replied.

…

An hour past and Yoongi and the rest of the boys met tons of diverse fans. They loved how almost every fan had different personalities. Yoongi couldn’t figure out which fan was his anonymous. There was some male fans that have passed and didn’t seem quite off or had letter so he figured none were him.

As he almost got distracted later into the fan sign he heard a shy clearing of a voice.

“Excuse me Min Yoongi….I believe you told me to drop this off.” He slide a letter in front of him. Yoongi finally looked up and saw the mystery to his ‘non-spoken letter’. He was an older fan maybe 30’s or 40’s and was dressed very fancy. He noticed that there was a women with two kids behind him.

He was definitely not what Yoongi was expecting. He figured he was some teenager but he realized that no matter what age you are or what currency or even family. Anybody could be struggling, everyone had a story.

“You are brave.” Yoongi stood up and reached over the table to embrace the fan into a warm comforting hug. Yoongi could feel the fan shaking from nervousness.

“Thank you for writing.” Yoongi said.

“Thank you reading.”

As soon as Yoongi pulled away he could see the viable tears in his eyes. Yoongi felt his eyes water as well.

“Is this your family?” Yoongi asked.

The fan nodded. His wife came closer with the kids. Yoongi reached out and shook her hand. “Thank you….you saved my husband.”

She didn’t hesitate to bring him into a hug as well.

“Last thing I need to know from you.” Yoongi looked at the adult fan.

“Anything.” He said.

“Your name.” Yoongi smiled.

Let’s just say that was a day to remember.

Some people could think it’s ridiculous that a man his age could be fanboying over an idol of some boy group but most people tend to judge before they know the real story. This man has changed his life. This man understood how to live through horrible thoughts that could mind control you and make a difference on how to fight it. Most people are lucky, they could carry on with a happy life and have no troubles but some are suffering, some are struggling, and some aren’t so lucky.

Thats why it’s important to ask for help even if it’s through one song.

#bts one shot #bts imagines #bts fluff #bts fanfic #bangtan scenarios #bts scenarios #bangtan fluff #bangtan imagines #bangtan fanfic #min yoongi imagines #min yoongi scenarios #min yoogni fanfic #min yoogni one shot #min yoogni fluff #suga scenarios #suga fanfic #suga one shot #suga fluff

32 notes · View notes