#they dont like me as much anymore. its always fucking happened and i cant. fucking. shit fuck. AGHHHHGGGGH

[eternalera]

gonna be honest... this one has been spinning in my head for a while! so imma do an analysis of touya/dabi (I might switch between the two but its whatever) and just how much his arc makes sense for him and plays into his character. also his trauma and how it affected him. SO! with that being said this will kinda be ramblely and not very coherent but fuck it we ball.

also i have NOT read the manga so uh.... yeah-

(p.s this is REALLY LONG-)

so basically I'm gonna be going over about why it makes sense that touya is a villain and why he chose this path specifically over the one that most people would do, especially after his incident which would be go back to your family and talk it out or whatever. (which he didnt do because hes a totally EDGELORD- excuse me-).

One thing that's been essential about touya's character, from the very beginning (talking childhood) is that he always wanted his father's attention. From a young age touya was raised as practically an only child because lets be honest with him inheriting fire and with endeavors whole 'i want an ice quirk so i dont overheat stuff' he likely payed a lot more attention to touya rather than fuyumi.

touya took in this affection from a young age and seeing how apparently endeavor only got worse as the years went by the view that touya had of his father was likely in somewhat of a good light, glad to be receiving attention from someone in his life that he clearly looked up to at the time. although this did have side effects like his disrespect for his mother (which he also probably gained from being around his father so often).

remember that touya most likely gained a lot of attention from his father, that and his standards from a young age with no one to tell him 'hey this is wrong that hes doing this' as he didn't really care for his mother and her opinion because of guess who? his father. (this is where shoto and him differ as shoto clearly looked up to his mother, who was probably a lot more in his life than she was in touya's).

so the moment when its revealed that 'hey your quirk hurts you, dont use it' is the moment where everything shatters, not just for endeavor but for touya. imagine being told your whole life that you were gonna do something to make someone you looked up to so proud only to find out that you couldn't because of your bodies limits, something thats out of your control.

not only this, but touya likely would've been fine if endeavor had still shown some interest in him. but that wasn't the case. he moved on. touya already had these expectations built in his head that he's going to surpass All Might like his father wanted, so why isn't his father paying attention to him anymore? he probably figured out 'its because my quirk hurts me' so his response was 'its fine i'll push through the hurt and make him proud and show him that i can still do what he wants. so he'll have to pay attention to me again'

touya was so obviously raised on endeavors attention so when its ripped away all that remains in his is 'oh ive done something wrong, how can i fix it?' so once again he keeps training his quirk and hurting himself. not to mention that once again its clear how he looked up to his father

not to mention that he knew what endeavor wanted. he wanted an ice and fire quirk, so when endeavor kept having more and more children it was probably only worsening his dread and anxiety. 'what if this one had the quirk?' 'would dad still love me?' 'would he still look at me?'

he sees this as his father trying to get rid of him, as his father not having enough time for him in a way, which given how much attention he was raised on by his father, is absolutely devastating. SO- lets get to the main course shall we?

TOUYA'S BREAK DOWN!! PART ONE-

at this moment i cant remember the exactly what happened but its where basically endeavors like 'STOP WITH YOUR QUIRK DAMMIT' and touya cant understand that. because if he stops then endeavor will stop looking at him. to touya he has to disobey endeavor, thats the only way all of his attention doesnt go to shoto who clearly has the right quirk his father wants with his split hair because quirks or whatever-

(also fuyumi's face is hilarious in the second picture but moving on-)

in this scene he out right says 'look at me endeavor'. the kid who has been so basically pumped full of attention and praise has had enough of his father trying to constantly trying to seemingly get rid of him and throw him to the side. he wants his father's attention more than anything now, whether its endeavor yelling at him or praising him he just wants to be noticed by someone he's looked up to all of his life.

so he attacks shoto, no quite honestly i don't think that he was trying to kill shoto in this scene, as much as he was trying to scare endeavor/harm him. but thats just a personal opinion. so back to everything else i guess-

NOW- BREAK DOWN PART TWO!!!

in this he very excitedly tells endeavor to come to sekoto peak. endeavor wonders why and checks under the boys shirt only to find burns. and tried to tell him off but touya doesn't listen. he instead says that its really cool and that he might be able to get to shoto's level not only that but its also evident that what his father told him from a young age is still present in his mind as below he claims that he doesn't think that he'd lose to All Might, meaning even after when Endeavor's long thrown touya's training away forgetting about the boy ever being able to surpass All Might touya did not. most likely thinking about how this is his chance to impress his father.

now with these next few lines it reveals a few things, touya doesnt think that endeavors happy with him. he thinks that hes not glad that his own son exists and reasonable it makes him sad as he starts tearing up. but keep in mind, he looks up to endeavor at this point and if the person he looks up to isn't happy with his existence at this point than what the hell is he doing. now this is totally different from before as he just wanted attention, good or bad as he yknow... tried to hurt/kill his younger brother- this is him actively wanting attention. and likely... this is the most healthy he's been mentally for a while.

he went from. this person who i look up to expects something from me, to uh oh i upset them what am i doing wrong? to why arent they paying attention anymore? if theyre not then im gonna harm someone to make them look at me for once. But now his mindset is more 'okay well maybe im not trying hard enough, if i try harder than he'll like me more'

once again... probably his healthiest mindset, that and we see the excitement on his face about this new move or power or whatever. he's genuinely excited over this and the fact that his father just blows it off is gonna take a toll on him. as what did he do wrong again? well we know he did nothing but he doesn't know that. after all the person he looked up to must have a reason right?

he starts crying and with that everything burns. he can't control it and he ends up hurting himself in the process. covering his body in burns as he turns into basically what we see today.

but why didn't he go back? it would make sense right? well probably because of a few reasons.

how could he go back? what would they say? endeavor would be mad at him and plus he wanted to prove himself to his father on that peak. yet it seemed he only did the opposite

why didn't endeavor come? thats all he wanted, all he ever wanted so why didnt he? he no longer holds endeavor up to his high standard anymore, he's angry at him. and rightfully so

would they want him back? maybe natsuo would be there for him but what about the others? would they care for him?

of course the last one might be pushing it but you get the point. the second one probably affected him the most though and is why he became dabi, training his quirk so that he may surpass his father as a petty victory, trying to say 'i was right all along i can surpass you and all might and shoto'. its his last attempt at making his father look his way and he wants to do it right.

he wanted it to be something that his father couldnt just shove off hence the video and him taping it. one last time he wanted his father to look at him and be reminded of everything that had happened with him. and it worked, the todoroki's do go over what happened with touya and saw went went wrong, that being that they neglected him after building him up so high only to say that he was useless after all (its all endeavors doing but... whatever-).

so yeah those are basically my thoughts on it- might be slightly inaccurate but yknow what... this is getting long and i dont wanna type anymore :D

#dabi #mha dabi #dabi todoroki #bnha dabi #todoroki touya #touya todoroki #mha touya #todofam #todoroki #enji todoroki #endeavor #my hero academia #mha #bnha #spoilers #i guess #emotional abuse #character essay #character rant #character analysis #been a while since ive made one of these #hope you enjoy #as incoherent as it was lol #its whatever though ig

[malka-lisitsa]

#Rough day. Rough week. Rough couple of months. #Today feels especially bad. I feel like im evil for having feelings #I feel like im way too much for everyone. #I feel like its just so fucking easy for people to decide im not worth it anymore #I feel like i mean so little to some people that they dont give a fuck how i feel #that i dont deserve an explanation #that i just deserve to be tossed aside without knowing what i even did #I should be used to loneliness by now its like a second skin #and yet it never feels any better gripping my throat #maybe thats why i like that so much because at least then i understand why i cant breathe #I dont know. I just feel like im so easily tossed aside no matter how hard I do or dont try. #im the simple answer the one you can always throw overboard. #im expendable and outlive my usefulness quickly i guess. #it happens so fucking often. Tell me why it still hurts so badly...

[ennuidays]

😂

#because im too much right?????? because you cant find any other way to deal with me ?????? #because i keep repeating the same thing over and over and over righr ?????? ans its the same thing every month right ?????????? #and i never learn right ?????????????????? So just throw me in where i belong right????????? #I canr be fucjinf legt alone on my own righr?????? i cant hodl my own righr ??????? #cuznim a stupid piece of garbage who doesnt do anything but complain Right?????????? #So its ok to send me away right????? so you dont havw to think about me anymore #Because ill be in good hands #Becahse they can take care of me there #Because they can make me feel better there #Righr?????????? #And when i get out you can always threaten to put me back in like a dog in a kennel #you piece of shit . ILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF #ILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! ILL KILL MYSELF BEFORE IT HAPPENS AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!! #FUCK YOU ALL #ILL KILL MYSELF #ill kill myself right fucking now #BUT I WONT HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA BWCAUSE EVERYTHING I DO IS A FALSE ALARM #STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT I FUCKINF HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE

[meateater-lamb]

(dont read the tags actually)

#vent #god this year has been so fucking hard man #and things have been so strained with my friend #and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they? #cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything #and acting really weird #and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore #they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow #like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well #until the last like year #and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore #and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just. #not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger #and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired. #i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way. #and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough #im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore #they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling #meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything #im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again. #they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore #but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling #but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time #ugh idk #dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk. #i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it #probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway #moon

[skinnymeanfaggot]

also

#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats #just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind #i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence #he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged #with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive #always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell #accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this #and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little #affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do #the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i #fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty #even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck #either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that #anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there #i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack #in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing

[melissa-titanium]

GOD therseomuch shit to do i thought id have time today to DO stuff. its the fucking weekend why do ihave to do 2 classes and go outside and literally do something for school . the weekDAYS are always busy i havent had a free moment since i fucking joined

#mel roars #and i forgot to clean cicis fucking litter #like forgot as in for nearly a week #everyone always asks why im never getting another fucking pet THAT is why #because if i cant take care of it then all thats gonna happen is its going to suffer under my care #i have so much fucking due art SO many people messaging me i was LITERALLY going to delete my toyhouse account 2 days ago just to fucking #have a moment of relief #ITS NOT EVEN THAT BAD ACTUALLY. this ius normal for so many people to balance their social lives and school and work and shit but i CANT #i cant adhere to a schedule ill lose my fucking mind #i was miserable at my dads but god if it wasnt awesome to Have Free Time #i guess not talking to human beings or going outside for 2 straight years had its Perks #im so fucking sorry to everyone who has to deal with me i am SINCERELY so fucking sorry #i want to do so much stuff with so many people but its always Oh sorry i had to do something :( Sorry i cant do it today Sorry im not free #Sorry sorry sorry SORRY FUCKKKKKKK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WHY CANT I ACTUALLY JUST DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE #ITS ALWAYS APOLOGIES AND YET??? NOTHING EVER CHANGES??????? #and everyone knows this. every single person i have ever spoken to knos im a fucking shit at keeping promises or apologies and it SUCKS it #fucking sucks. can some one take me into their garage and put me down Please #pleas eplease pleasePLEAePLEASAE PLEASE i cant take it anymore fucking help me #i just need SOME one to tell me Directly that i am doing things wrong that im UPSETTING them because i KNOW I AM but i also DONT #unless i recieve it directly from them. god . pleasae. can someone just tell me to shut the fuck up alreasdy

[arcadequeerz]

I miss my dad.

#Cade.vnt #Closer it gets to Christmas the more it gets real and the more i hate it. #keep feeling like he's back on the road in his truck but i know he's Not and he's not coming home ever #N idk if its pathetic because me and him didn't get along and yada yada but i always expected him to outlive me #he was supposed to outlive me and he didn't and its Fucked Up and wasn't supposed to be like this. #old fuck was supposed to outlive all of us and he ended up dying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and i didn't even get to say #goodbye #he didn't even eake back up #and i think thats what fucks me up the most that he didn't get to die here ay home- comfortable in his bed #or didn't get to make some stupid fucking joke that he Reall y shouldn't of said but still would make us laugh- #he left too quietly. he should of gone laughing #it isnt fair. it isn't fucking fair and i hate it and everyone keeps telling me its okay he's 'with god' now #and i dont want him to be i just want him back here. was suppoed to be a xonstant in my life and now #there's this fucking absence and i hate it so fucking much #we still dont even know what happened. #they kept throwing shit around and never said anything for certain. #anyways. my mom cut up a bunch of his shirts this evening- she sais she's gonna make a qult with them #she let me keep his pink floyd shirt though. crying and getting snot all over it rn #i just kind of need 2023 to be kinder to me. and my family. please i cant take anymore loss or pain #it feels like the universe hates me and wnts me dead.

[nexus-nebulae]

i amb. Dissociating

#low health #<- this tag for mental health too ig #ask to tag #i dont know why i am brain not working #literally do not know what is causing this #havent been able to focus at all yesterday or today #probably longer than that idk #id ont know who i am or whos nearby front #i dont think our brain wants echo anumore but we dont have a replacement what do we do #we almost got two relplacement but they werent fit for being host for various reaosns #i keep just. like. going blank for so amny minutes at a time #jsut staring at nothing midsentenece and never finishing the thoght #sorry for all the misspellnigs too i dont really have the energy to fix them tbh #brain is being not ok but i dont know why its happening or what can fix it #maybe its hust fall idk #fall always fills me with dread for like. many reasons #like soon im not gonna be able to walk as much and im almost never gonna be able to leave the house once winter hits #plus fall seems to be exactly when bad things alwys happen to me so #thank u august 2020 for that oen #but its not even august anymore youd think if it were connected to the august incident itd fuck me up during august #i dont know. i dont know whats wrong or why my brain is upse t #and i dont know how to fix it #i keep thinking 'talking to friend will help' and maybe it is i dont know i cant tell #but im too fucking dumb and anxious to do that half the fucking time anyways #... i think i have trust issues #not in the sense of 'i think everyone around me is hiding something' or shit like that #btu more in the sense of 'i am so scared at every second that i am going to fuck this up' #so i never even try bc it's the only 100% guaranteed way to not fuck up right???? #wrong then i lose all my friends bc i dont talk to anyone ever

[our-lady-of-mcr]

.

#also god bless my friend who pointed out that im moving up and im going to be in a salon soon and will actually be doing something good with #my life vs the friend who did me this way pretending shes still in high school that freaks out and loses all her friends every 6 months #i wish it didnt bother me. and i know in 2 months im going to have brushed it off and move on like i always do when bad shit happens #but for the wound being fresh this shit just fucking sucks i hate it i hate it i hate it #i made a very very very vague post on reddit just asking for advice #and the more popular reply was someone more on my side who basically said i should tell her to go fuck herself pretty much #and the second one was someone who v obviously did not actually read the post who said it was all fluff and basically defended her even #when in my post i am saying i defended myself while still listening to the shit she says #and i fucking hate reddit bc people are so.....quick to be hateful and judge #and i knew to expect people being hateful but god DAMN like you yourself are basically saying theres not enough info (yes there was) and you #still are quicker to assume im in the wrong #meanwhile everyone who knows her is like bitch we told you to not forgive her last time and now look where you are #and i am not a perfect person i have flaws the same way everyone else does. literally everyone has said and done shit they regret #and i have fucked her over before because she lost her fucking mind on a campus manager and an educator and she told me to find my own ride #home because i didnt defend her losing her shit and screaming at everyone and ended up having to write an incident report (so did the other #girls who watched it happen so nOT just me) anyways now she uses that as an excuse for treating me like fucking trash because she finally #found out about the god damn incident report which made it so now anyone can say i said anything and she just believes it #its such a fucking joke to me because like ????? girl if we were in opposite positions you would have filled out the fuckin report too #granted it was a handwritten letter and not a report but it was basically the exact same thing as an incident report #my bad that a year ago i wrote a letter saying i was scared you know where i live and that youre mentally unstable. funny how a year later i #feel the same way all over again! except i dont because im not scared of her anymore shes a fucking theater kid who needs to get a grip #i cant wait to look at my self tag again in 2 years and be like DAMN REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED #every single person who knows her that isnt friends with her (i am basically refusing to text her friends bc i dont even want to know) #keeps telling me i didnt do anything wrong and ive given her too many chances and she fucks me each time #i just wish she would go get help bro there is something so wrong with her #self

[pinkcadillaccas]

Anyone else feeling the relentless march of time on this Saturday night

#sat on the bus going home from my second to last shift at this job #saw lots of people at work that used to know me for my old job that i absolutely loved and did for 6 years #and i was describing why i know all these people to my coworkers and i was like oh my god thats not me anymore #thats who i used to be what the fuck #and this is the same bus journey that ive been doing for three years #on the same bus ive taken since i started taking the bus #its the same journey but im so different #and im moving into a different phase of life again #how many times have i sat on this bus #how many times have i sat in this seat #how many times have i driven this route how many me's #I've literally moved to the big city and moved back and i am irrevocably changed and im looking at the same shops out of fo the window #everything is the same but so different #since i started taking this bus i have changed so much that i would not recognise myself in the mirror #my boss said 'dont be a stranger' sir i am a stranger to myself #how long can i not be a stranger #how long can you try and keep up with the dregs of your old life until it no longer fits #how long can you keep coming back until it becomes somewhere unrecognisable. or you become unrecognisable #how do you mourn losing something of yourself when it happens so slowly and you dont realise it until its been dead and buried for years #do you ever find yourself falling into old thought patterns and finding that you have no conviction #the you who started thinking that is gone. you dont feel this way. but you did #even just about a band you like. or a snack you always used to buy before school #one of my essays this term could have been about humes view that we dont have a concrete self #and i just thought how am i supposed to answer that #how am i supposed to say no hes right there is no continuous self. i know this because i am filled with ghosts #because i look in the mirror and part of me tries to look through the eyes of teenage me #just to wonder what they would think #and i cant do it. because we are so far apart that they are not me #i am clinging on to friends and places as though i am someone that i am not because rhe ghost of a child inside me demands it #even if the words are hollow and the feelings are long gone

[dxsertrot]

Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it

#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work #i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog #the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel #although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick #it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need #im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have #and i dont need anyone elses validation #things will come to me when im ready and its right #if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me #and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem #i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen #ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore #my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif #and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me #it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand #im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure #and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways #besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought #and ive done more than i ever anticipated #i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it #and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity #ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing #and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities #i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things #i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that #if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to #work at #and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things #its not that complicated and its not that messy #it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me

[gourde]

Beat TOTK finally and GOD I HATE GAMES THAT PUT YOU RIGHT BEFORE THE FINAL MISSION LIKE NO I JUST FINISHED THAT!!! WHAT THE FUCK. LET ME RUN AROUND LIKE A LITTLE BITCH WITHOUT THE MAIN STORY HANGING OVER HEAD. Also doesn't help that the ending was really boring and the cutscene was way too long. Final fight was super cool though

#rambling #i dont think the story of totk warrants destroying my progress to put me RIGHT BEFORE the final fight #just tweak a couple things and you could still have everything available to you #the ending isnt GOOD ENOUGH FOR THAT!!! LET ME FUCK AROUND FOR EVER AND EVER I DONT WANT THE MISSIONS ANYMORE!!! #WHAT ARE PEOPLES REACTIONS TO ZELDA LITERALLY BEING A DRAGON #also its such a cop-out when stories do the whole 'i dont remember much teehee!' #WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN why cant they remember. most of the time i think its just laziness cause then youd have to write #consequences and the effect it had on the character #like being a dragon for centuries endlessly wandering the sky would kinda fuck you up you know? #but conveniently she forgor :) goodie!

[so0ppa]

WHY DO I HAVE ALL MY REVELATIONS AFTER MIDNIGHT I CAN'T CONTACT A PSYCHIATHERAWHATEVERPIST AT THIS HOUR

#at some point just talking to myself and being introspective to a worrying degree isnt enough anymore and actually might be actively harmful #i realise now. but also i dont trust anyone but myself so its this really cool and awesome double edged blade we got here /sarcastic (sigh) #sometimes i feel like id rather kms than truly open up to somebody #what the fuck is wrong with mw #well no i know what's wrong with me anytime im genuine and very passionate and truly myself and a crybaby it seems like i push others away #they dont like me as much anymore. its always fucking happened and i cant. fucking. shit fuck. AGHHHHGGGGH #IM GONNA GIVE MYSELF MEMORY LOSS AT THOS POINT I DONT CARE ANYMORE #but when im an asshole when i shield myself when cant see beyounf the walls of my prison anymore because theyre so thick . #ill have lost myself but at least shes still there. please.. #deleting when i wake up if you read this all pretend you didnt #critxt

[lesbianpikachu]

.

#main part of pokemon video is done!!!!! #lol i gotta be real i was very lazy with like the last 4 sections because i got tired of working on it #i still think its fine but like it could be better #however. my brain has this thing where its like ok either finish it now or youre never finishing it amd no youll never come back to it #so its kinda either i be lazy on some parts or i dont finish the video and post it. so im being lazy so i can put something out #it is what it is though. this shit is fuckin done lets goooo!!!!!! #i dont think im going to like do any 'polish' im just going to do a pass on audio levels and make sure its understandable #and then do the conclusion and send it #so maybe friday??? probably friday #also i gotta say my job has sucked recently. my boss has given me more responsibility and i fuckin hate it #i hate it so much i wanna get fired right now and quit my job forever #it sucks but it could be worse. so many things that slightly annoy me are happening all at once #my conspiracy brained coworker always wants to talk and i hate listening to him bc hes dumb and stubborn as shit and so fucking annoying #and all this bullshit means i cant even listen to a fucking book at work anymore. i hate it!!! #after this video is done im fucking reading house of leaves and nobodys gonna stop me

[lunataurora]

kinda funny seeing that last queued tf post with me gushing in the tags abt the comic bc i havent felt joy or even an emotional connection reading mtmte for a while

#idk man something just aint right. whether im just getting hit with another depressive episode or. idk. #the writing just feels... different. it feels weirdly cartoony? even though. the beginning was also really cartoony? but this feels worse #i liked the beginning so much more i liked the characters that cared so little about each other and the overall oppressive mood #idk part of it is i really dont like typical western superhero comic tropes and writing styles at aalllllllll #i cant stand the lack of foreshadowing and 'well just believe that it was secretly always like this' and the superpowers and trying to #raise the stakes by just Saying 'you might die' but its ok nobody does nor does the concern cross your mind #and i cant tell if the jokes are worse or more frequent but certain characters dont even seem like themselves anymore to me #the last thing i enjoyed was around when rewind killed a man. everything since has felt like some marvel movie type writing and it hurts #what happened to nuance and reading between the lines my good friends nuance and reading between the lines #'the one with sunder was good its a really good horror' <- why did you lie to me. are you mad at me #it wasnt even fun..... wasnt even interesting...... #isnt this supposed to be a story abt attempting to adjust to postwar life and how fucked everything is. and how no #-thing is morally cut between good/evil? theres nuance? theres depth? whered all that depth go? maybe i imagined it this whole time #like.even the thing with skids gave me less of an impact when its surrounded by such. cheezyness. it deserves more consideration? respect? #good god its a very direct depiction of a very real horror dealt to rEAL PEOPLE #AND ITS CORRELATED WITH 'OTHERS RECEIVE SUPERPOWERS FROM THIS REVELATION' FUCK YOU #i feel bad for that plotline existing in that fucking situation jesus fucking christ you can't just do something like that #like. just. 'trauma gives you superpowers and also your suffering makes others stronger' how abt i go drink bleach. #maybe someone else will have a GREAT time if i do. <- kidding but like. christ man what the fuck #does this have to do with his whole 'i shouldnt have done red alert like that' idk what to tell you boss but that was nowhere near as bad #as the skids superpower giving scene. #red alert was fine it made sense it was severely relatable. it happens. but skids? no that fucking doesnt. what is that even trying to mean #beyond yknow. what guilt does to people. and cementing the worst of the war that um. isnt going to feel much justice at all it seems #sorry im in a very. tear everything apart kind of mood #dummy posts

[be-good-to-bugs]

the world isnt so bad

#the bin #i think ill be ok one day #i feel like i need to change a lot of my lofe and relationships for that to happen but ill do it and ill be better for it and ill be ok #i feel like the big thing thats been fucking me uo these past years besides not having friends is my sister #i just. dont like her. shes mean and unpleasant to be around. she seems fine if u only spend a little time around her but shes so negative #and its not enougj to just not talk much. like. i need our relationship to stop existing in its current for in a tangeble way #not enough to just talk less bc then shes like why r we talking less. but i dont have the option of just saying hey ur mean and i dont #wanna be kinda-friends anymore. we can just have the same kinda relationship i have with the rest of our siblings #because i have literally nobody else here and if she gets mad im kinda fucked. i need her to take me to work. i cant compromise that #its just. idk it sucks. i think itll be healthy to jave distance from her when i move away so that ohr relationship can do the thing quietly #idk. i would have no problem with just changing things immediately but she always has reacted badly to that stuff sooo #ive felt yhis way for many years now but i felt like i was the problem and that shes actually fine but thats not it #and i keep trying to fix it but idk. shes just unpleasant. shes not horrible but we do NOT work. i need to talk to my other older sister #more cause shes really nice. probably gonna help her get a job and stuff when i move. maybe we will move in together #only for like a temp time but just so she can get a handle on living on ur own. and she would need a ride to work n stuff #shes very loud so id rather not live with her. i wanna live alone. but i wanna help her out also bc nobody is willing to do that for her #and also treat her like a capable adult. how can she learn how to be an adult if nobody treats her like one? shes perfectly capable once #she learns but its not stuff u just know on ur own. well. without other ppl getting in the way we communicate very well #idk. thats way future stuff tho. but maybe will do that in the future. im trying to be optimistic and think abt my oter siblings to talk to #i have 3 who are old enough to have regular conversations with and the other 2 r a bit young. 2 of the 3 r kinda mean tho #well. me and my other older sister can live in the least fav children club and talk abt how rude the other 2 are lol