#they’re so messy idk how that reflects in my mental state | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stvrchaser · 2 years

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destined or doomed?

( pairing ) : five hargreeves x reader

( about ) : five makes a discovery about his future self and the life he’s setting himself up for

( warnings ) : angst, five being oblivious so they’re kind of a mess (don't worry, there’s fluff at the end. they stressed me out so i thought they deserved a happy moment before i inevitably destroy them)

( words ) : 2600

( note ) : you know that scene in ep4 where five finds out his future self invents the place that literally made him a killer who had to live with the guilt of every life he’s taken but then they never talk about it again? yeah. here’s my take on the mental breakdown that could have ensued after that. (oh and watch out for a pt2. did you really think i was gonna end the pain here?)

edit: here’s part 2 !!

“All that will be left is… oblivion.”

It’s a chilling warning to begin with, a prophesied forthcoming of the end — the end of everything. Uneasiness pricks at your skin, your mind unsure of how to process what you’re seeing and hearing. Here lies the creator of the sole protector of order across the timelines and he’s… unanticipated. He’s a simultaneous friend and stranger.

He’s Five Hargreeves, decades into the future, the barely breathing image of Death.

“What do you mean?” Lila inquires, similarly baffled by the scene at play.

“This is what you have coming,” Five tells his younger self. Of all the abnormalities you’ve been dealing with in the past couple of weeks, this takes the cake by far. In between supernatural abilities, the end of the world, and all the moments in between, this seems the most ridiculous, somehow. You would have never imagined, not in your wildest dreams, that Five — so full of fire and life for as long as you’ve known each other — would someday be reduced to gaunt remains to power the ruins of the Commission. It’s just not right. Five is meant to see the world, to immerse himself in the wonderful things it has to offer. He’s not supposed to be tied down to a machine, stripped of life and humanity.

“Listen to me, you ass,” Five begins. Frustrated, he seems tempted to throttle himself for answers. “I just spent the last 20 days running around, saving the world from apocalypses, only to keep trying to save the world. Now I’m stuck in this pubescent body, my hormones are raging, and all I wanna do is go out and buy a 1970s Corvette Stingray.” He speaks through gritted teeth, low and intended entirely for himself. You hurt for him, really. He’s so tired all the time. He deserves a break, you figure. All versions of him.

“Take it easy on him, Five,” you say. Is it strange to feel sympathy for this distant imitation of the Five you know? It should be, considering he’s lived years ahead of the man you’re familiar with. He’s barely even looked at you. Should he matter to you? Is it possible that this version of Five doesn’t know you? But regardless of whether or not you’re acquainted, they’re the same, aren’t they? Five Hargreeves will always be stubborn, and it seems heroics are also in his nature. He intends to repair, to salvage. He wouldn’t live his last prolonged breaths in this facility if he didn’t have a greater purpose.

“Maybe they’re right,” Lila agrees, giving you a weary look. “He’s hanging by a thread. It might be best if—”

“This is between me and myself, so stay out of it.” Under different circumstances, you might berate him for being rude, but you understand his distress. Instead, you stay silent, settling for giving Lila an apologetic look. “Thank you,” he mutters, appreciative.

The second that he turns back to you, you try to look calm. You try to show him the unconditional support he’ll always have so long as you’re around, hoping to somehow communicate it as genuinely as humanly possible. If it works, you’re not sure. Five turns away almost immediately.

“Now, this Kugelblitz, it isn’t some tiny leak that we can fix by patching a couple of pinholes. It’s a giant trash compactor which is grinding up the universe and consuming it whole. So tell me how you stop it!” Guiltily, you watch him tremble with rage. A part of you, despite wanting to grant him space and privacy, feels helpless. You want to help, but Five has always insisted he do things alone. If you were to offer, would he even accept?

“Whatever you do,” his older counterpart gasps, the steady beeping of his heart monitor gradually quickening, “…don't save the world.”

What?

Now, that doesn’t sound like the Five you know. What happened to the man so desperate to save his family? What happened to that insufferable determination to live?

“Dont… or you will lose everything that matters.” For a second, you think the older Five purposefully turns to you, almost as if he’s talking directly to you. For the first time, he meets your gaze. Unexpectedly, he looks mournful. Why? What does he have to mourn? He’s the one dying, not you. What is he grieving? Suddenly, you think you did know each other, after all.

Until when?

“What do you mean, don't save… Five!” he panics as the whirring of the machine starts to die down. His older self has gone still, eyes blank and his body lifeless. “No,” Five starts again. “How do I fix this?”

You reach forward, searching for a pulse. You flinch at the contact but don’t find the steady rhythm you’re hoping for. This confounding remainder of a man, despite passing merely seconds ago, feels cold. He’s completely and utterly lifeless and his lack of consciousness is almost tangible. It was almost as if you could feel that his soul had parted with his body.

“He's dead, Five.” He inhales a sharp breath like he might start crying. Expectedly, he turns away from you. He hides. Five has a tendency to seclude himself behind a set of walls that you insist aren’t necessary. He turns to them anyway, a constant companion and a trusted salvation.

“Can I have the room?”

“Five, do you really think that’s a good idea?” You know it isn’t. It isn’t healthy at all to let anyone bottle up their emotions the way he does. Still, you respect his decision when he inevitably declines the offer. He’s grieving. He needs time. What he needs, you’ll give.

“Y/N, please. I need the room.” You sigh.

“Alright. I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”

ミ★

Five hasn’t talked about it since you left. He insisted on coming back to the hotel. Immediately. Yes, you decided to grant him his respite, but you assumed he would at least bring it up. Why won’t he bring it up?

“I know you want to ask. Go ahead,” he offers. Turned away, pouring himself another glass of wine or vodka or whatever the end of the world has to offer for refreshments, Five is impossible to read. His voice doesn’t betray any hint of emotion and neither will his face.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” You bristle.

“What’s the point of letting me ask if you’re going to lie to me anyway?”

“I just watched myself die.”

“I know, Five. I was there. Why else do you think I’m so worried?” He turns in his chair, still emotionless when he meets your gaze. If two opposites are supposed to neutralize each other, you’ve defeated the odds. He’s too calm, uncaring, and it makes your blood boil.

“What do you want me to say, Y/N?” He doesn’t even snap at you. Sure, he sounds exhausted but that’s all there is to it — tiredness. Not at all does he seem interested in solving the issue at hand. He’s not calculating the odds, mind almost loud enough to be heard, not like he was the first two times he’d tried to save the world.

“Well, how do you feel, for starters?

“I was… what? One-hundred?” he dismisses, incredulously considering the circumstances, “I’d lived an entire lifetime ahead of myself now. What do I have to sympathize with? Chances are he barely remembers anything from this point in time.”

“What do you — what do you have to sympathize with?” you echo, outraged. “It’s you, Five! You just watched yourself, fifty or so years into the future hooked up to machines. And for what? So you could keep the Commission running? You know what that place can do to a person. Aren’t you upset about that?”

“Apparently not, seeing as I created it.”

“And nothing about that seems off to you? I mean, not just for yourself right now, but what about everyone else? What about others, people like me and Lila, who were… that place robbed us all of everything, Five. Do you honestly believe that you could make the Commission knowing all that you do right now?”

“We don’t know what will happen between now and then.”

“If we don’t even try to save the world, we’ll never find out.” He takes a moment to consider your point. At least, you hope that’s what he’s doing, not forming another argument.

“Why does this mean so much to you?” It’s your turn to hesitate. Why does it? Mean so much to you, that is. If the Commission is established in this timeline, the guilt isn’t placed on you. You won’t be repeating history. Five will.

But why should he? You don’t think it’s a decision you’ll ever understand, certainly not one you’ll ever agree with. But when he does, what happens to the two of you? Is this how you lose each other?

Because I never would have let you do this to yourself all over again, you want to say. Because the only reason you could have ever done this is if I wasn’t there to stop you.

“Why does it mean so little to you?”

“I would have never met you if it weren’t for the Commission,” he says, and it stings because he’s right. The two of you would have never met. But what does that matter in comparison to the universe at risk? Five could live on without you. He already has.

“That price… in exchange for the life you should have had. If you gain the power between now and later to start the Commission, you’ll have the power to go home, Five. You can fix the problem before your younger self even finds out about it. There doesn’t have to be an apocalypse. Viktor doesn’t have to be the catalyst. You don’t have to be the savior. You wouldn’t have to worry about all this.” You try to contain your tears, blinking rapidly to keep them at bay. “You can save yourself. You can save your family.”

“You know that’s not how it works. I can’t meddle with time for my own benefit. That’s not the purpose of the Commission.”

“This isn’t about the Commission, it’s about you! The whole point of me starting this conversation is because I care about you!”

Five internally, but visibly, battles with himself in the futile attempt to understand what this entails. You care about him. You care about him? To the same extent that he cares for a good bottle of whiskey or a fresh brew of black coffee? Care in the same way he cared about preventing the apocalypse twenty days ago?

Or could it be possible that you care about him as much as he cares about you?

“You… care about me?” he asks, hesitantly. You scoff because it’s absolutely ridiculous.

“How could you possibly not know that by now?”

“What does that even mean?” he asks like the wind has been knocked out of his lungs.

He’s an idiot. That’s the only way to explain how this is all unfolding.

“You’re really gonna make me say it right now? Mid-argument?”

“Say what?”

“That I love you!”

Five can feel the world stop spinning beneath his feet. Or maybe it’s spinning too fast. He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t give a shit. Maybe the Kugelblitz had come early and he’d experienced a death so merciful that he didn’t even realize he was dead. He’s in the afterlife, isn’t he? It’s the only plausible explanation. But, wait. That can’t be. He never particularly liked making you angry. Mean, maybe, but never angry. Especially not with him.

“Hello? Earth to Five? What? Did you short-circuit or something?”

“You love me,” he echoes without much thought. It isn’t that he doubts the meaning. He just needs to hear it again, from his own mouth, to make sure it’s real.

“Yes, I fucking love you!”

“Why are you angry?”

“Because you’re pissing me off!”

Something about the passion, albeit unideal for a love confession, sparks something in him. He feels it bloom in his chest, climbing his veins and enclosing his entire body in thrill and relief all at once. Before he can consider what it means, he’s surging forward, pulling you in for a kiss.

Your open mouths collide and he isn’t too sure if it’s because you’d initially intended to welcome the kiss or if he'd interrupted your attempt to yell at him some more. If it’s the latter, your better judgement goes flying out the window because fuck if this doesn’t feel as good as you’d always imagined. He’s so warm and so gentle and so endearingly clumsy that it only makes you want to pull him closer. He tastes like good coffee — only the best — and you decide right then and there to let him have as many as he’d like if he’ll let you taste it on his lips again.

Five forgets how to think altogether.

“I love you,” he confesses in the split second that your lips part.

“What?” You freeze.

Oh. He’d said that out loud.

“I—”

“This isn’t… We shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be doing this.”

Five thinks he’ll fall to the floor and beg if it meant you could do it again.

You pull away, ashamed that you’ve forgotten how vulnerable he is. Five had just seen something unimaginably traumatic and, here you are, taking advantage of the situation.

Five doesn’t mind it so much. He doesn’t mind it at all. In fact, he’d entirely forgotten about the matter at hand. What had you two been fighting about? Is it the annihilation of all mankind? Is it the Commission?

“I’m so so sorry. You just watched yourself die, Five.” Oh, there’s that, too. “I don’t think this is the time. I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking.”

“The time? Y/N, this is all the time we have,” he reminds you, his tone urgent while he continues to catch his breath.

“Not if we keep trying! We could have so much more than — what? Two days? We could have years.” Five sighs guiltily, and his stance on the subject is clear.

“If I try to save the world, that only means I live long enough to witness something worse than this — something terrible enough to make me want to create the Commission. You were right. I don’t want that any more than you do.” He takes a breath, his shoulders shaking as he does, and gets ahold of your hands, rubbing circles onto the back of your palms in attempt to calm you or himself, possibly both. He doesn’t look up again, just stares at your hands intertwined. “Besides, seeing as I live until… At some point, you’re not going to be there. I don’t want to have to live through that. I love you too much for that.”

You step closer, freeing one of your hands from his grasp to tilt his chin upward. Forced to meet your gaze, he stills, afraid. The expression is so foreign on his face and you want to wipe it away, forbid fear from marring someone so wonderful. So, you press a soft kiss to his lips, reveling in the feeling once again. This time, there’s less tension — only passion as you memorize the curve of his mouth and the languid caress of his hand across your cheek.

This is heaven. This is peace. You will take as much of it as you can, freed of the fear that, one day, either of you will have to live without it.

“You won’t have to. I won’t let that happen.”

#they’re so messy idk how that reflects in my mental state #it only gets worse from here #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves x reader #number five #five hargreaves x reader #number five x reader #number five x you #number five x y/n #five hargreeves x you #five hargreeves x y/n #fluff #angst #tua season 3 #tua netflix #tua3

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wxldchxld · 3 years

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🍎 : how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy?

🍇 : how would my muse describe their childhood? how much has it impacted the person they are now, or will become as an adult? around what age did they or will they start to mature, and why? do they wish to go back to their days as a child, or have they embraced adulthood?

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

🍋 : what kind of diet does my muse have? do they eat regularly, or the standard 2-3 meals a day? do they have to be reminded to eat, or are they likely to remind others? do they cook, or have others cook for them? do they eat healthily, or not so much?

Harper is pretty neurotypical. She does have some childhood trauma relating to her father leaving and her relationship with her mother. Her mom was an active service member and this led to a lot of instability in her childhood.

See Harper's mom and her grandmother weren't on great speaking terms. Her mother never told her father about the pregnancy, and that caused a rift between them before Harper was even born. Her mother also struggled with alcoholism when Harper was younger and while Harper was never abused, her mom did make some very poor decisions and her grandmother wasn't always sympathetic, usually blaming her mom for her bad choices with money, and then getting even angrier when her mom wouldn't accept help even as they were on the verge of financial collapse. This lead to her grandmother calling DHR and some very messy fights that Harper heard.

Harper didn't walk away from her experiences with poverty and family drama unscathed. Her mom did eventually go to rehab, and her grandmother did eventually try to make amends with her before she passed.

This isn't even touching on Harper's attempt to reunite with her father and his rejection of her or her mother's rejection when she came out to her as a lesbian.

So Harper definitely needs therapy, but I don't have enough knowledge to put the name of a specific diagnosis on her other than childhood trauma.

I think she would describe it as pretty average. Not necessarily pleasant all the time, but she figures everyone walks away from their childhood with some kind of problem. She is ok with talking about it, but she isn't really ok with reflecting on it for what it is. Normally when she talks about it she's very detached and purposefully cold.

I think the question about maturity is---not great? Like I could say Harper had to grow up fast and learn to do things on her own because of all the alone time she had---but that's not maturing. Even as an adult, Harper doesn't have a lot of emotional intelligence.

Beck had a lot of alone time as a kid and she has her own issues with trauma, but I do feel like her years in the wild, having her freedom and her happiness, gave her a lot of time to reflect and to grow up emotionally and to kind of decide how she at least wants to try to act.

This is in pure contrast to Harper. Harper's alone time as a kid didn't do anything but cause her more pain. Harper may not love how her mother acts, but it is one of her only models of behavior. She gained the veneer of maturity that comes with learning to suppress your feelings and get your shit done, but she had very little emotional intelligence. This is why she often resorts to yelling and mean comments when she's angry or hurt. And the fact that she essentially learned to never cry and to combat her vulnerability with anger and it helped her get where she is now in life did not help that.

All that being said no. Harper would not like to go back to being a child. She might want to go back to being a teen. At the time she had Beck, her first love, and she also had actual friends that appreciated her and liked her for who she was. That's not something she really gets anymore. Idk if it'd be enough to make her want to go back tho.

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

Harper is inclined to help when and if it gets her her way and given that the payoff is good enough. She's pretty self centered and apathetic to the general plight of humanity. In Marvel verses she lives in New York at the time of Loki and the most she'll ever say about the invasion was it was an irritating distraction that caused an inconvenient amount of damage to the roads.

She WILL help the people she cares about with no boundaries though. If someone she loves has a problem or a need she will attack it tirelessly and ruthlessly. If they're in danger there is no line she won't cross to protect them. But there are very, very, VERY few people Harper would do this for. And not to sound cliché but currently all of those people are ---- well it's actually just Beck lmao.

The reason she's like this could go back to her childhood and her experience losing her grandmother but I'm honestly not sure it's that deep? Harper is kind of selfish. She dislikes most people and distances herself from them in order to not feel guilty for her selfishness. It's not a great look, but that's the current state she's in for any verse you'll meet her in. Sure this does change in stories where she has time to grow, but never enough to make her a humanitarian.

Also no this doesn't really get her into trouble. She's pretty safe on top of the world.

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

Most people see Harper as a shrewd business woman and or a downright bitch. I won't lie and say they're totally wrong, but there is a genuine person in there and her flaws are usually exaggerations of the things that are good about her mixed in with her trauma. So yes, they technically see who she really is, but they lack the context to understand her fully. And she both allows and encourages this misunderstanding because it's advantageous to her. It helps her maintain control in the business world but also in the magical one. She employs and is followed by a lot of incredibly dangerous supernatural beings. Literal thousands of vampires, witches, and werewolves do as she bids and submit to her lead in large part because they respect her power. So she kind of has to let people think she's a bitch, but honestly she kind of likes it too. She has taken the label with pride.

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

She's a necromancer so... Like that's pretty weird right? Specifically her research is focused on creating the perfect vampire in hopes of one day turning herself into a vampire without losing any of her magical abilities or having to be vulnerable to "silly" things like sunlight and garlic.

She also really really likes snakes and reptiles in general.

I think Harper genuinely tries to eat healthy. She doesn't have any like sensory issues with food and while she isn't immune to worrying about weight, also doesn't obsess over it. I mean she doesn't have to because she spends so much time and energy on working she probably couldn't gain a pound if she ate a literal weight. Magic can be very draining, and she very often gets so focused she doesn't eat for hours. Then she feels sick and doesn't want to eat anything and she sure as fuck isn't about to cook.

This was one of the great ways that she and Beck fit together. Beck loved to cook and would drop by the office or the lab with snacks (so long as she didn't have to get near anything dead or nasty) and she always made enough dinner for two even when Harper said she wouldn't be home in time. And Beck eats pretty healthy (usually) so it worked well.

She does have a cook who makes meals for her. She usually takes them for lunch and if she remembers to will take a break and eat. Harper certainly doesn't cook. She thinks it is tedious and all too often has burned something because she was trying to multitask and forgot and nearly set the penthouse on fire.

Her favorite is when she gets the chance to eat with someone else that she likes. She absolutely adores French food and has a go-to place for meet ups.

#bet you weren't expecting a goddamn book lmao #i'm sorry i'm just really excited to talk about harper #bokketo

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smores100 · 4 years

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once again we’re in full agreement lol. What’s your take on s3 remakes you’ve watched? Wondering how you feel about Skam FR as it’s kind of a similar situation to me where the chemistry & beauty is there but the writing and style is iffy (overwrought &overdramatic). My favorite s3 is druck. As a wlw I had high hopes for españa but it was p slow/v desexualized—a whole discussion, but my other gay friend & I were disappointed given how remakes with guys don’t hold back in that respect.. Thoughts?

Honestly re: wtfock tho I really do wonder if they had like one good writer in the room surrounded by fools. Bc it really does feel like some group projects I’ve been in where I feel like I’m the only one who’s not a fucking fool and carry the whole thing while having to fend off bad ideas (but when the majority rules, those bad ideas/execution get put in). I wonder if that’s what happened w wtfock.

re: wtfock, lol group projects are the worst….idk what wtfock’s writing process was like, but i’d love to know it. according to their wiki there were 3 writers this season? all seem to be male, naturally. did the two other writers have good ideas but there was a main writer who overruled them and did his own thing? or maybe they’re the rl one brain cell squad, that would explain a lot :p in any case, i’m unimpressed (friday’s clips did not help with that).

as for the other part of your ask….oh damn i have so many Thoughts on that, lol. this is probably gonna get long and messy, but you asked for it!

* druck - my absolute favorite. it’s the only one i’ve watched since s1, so that definitely played a part in my emotional investment and attachment. still, there was more to it than that. it was the closest to og imo in vibe and style (it felt small, real, lowkey, quiet, natural like og, as opposed to - as you said - overwrought and overdramatic + overproduced like the others); they cast an actual trans guy to play a trans character, if you wanna talk about a skam remake doing something REVOLUTIONARY? druck is the one; i loved matteo’s and david’s characterizations, how they both had a bit of isak and even in them, and the role reversal in some scenes, made things feel fresh *and* fit their characters/story; i LOVE that teens matteo and david were played by actual teens michi and lukas!! they’ve completely ruined me for all other remakes, bc thissssss is how it’s supposed to be! thisssss is how it should look like! THEY ARE KIDDOS. and they (druck and michi/lukas) truly captured what it’s like to be young and fall in love for the first time, the awkwardness and the nervousness and stuttering and fumbling around, the softness and pureness and innocence of it all!!! also they have THE BEST dynamic - other people might prefer all the hot kissing and steamy making out and the smouldering looks, but me? i just couldn’t get enough of their dumb chaotic energy, best friends who love each other deeply and are also constantly little shits to one another. gimme them pranking each other and playfighting every day! and then being soft and THE HANDS and matteo being a clingy koala basking in david’s affection :3 i also loved how for the most part they didn’t just copy/paste og’s storyline, they made some changes and knew how to make *other* changes accordingly for it to make sense and fit the story *they* were telling - for example, replacing the ‘call your gf’ scene with matteo’s panic attack/breakdown (one of my fave scenes), or their reunion at the end of ep 7 (replacing the desperate kissing + sex with a comforting and relieved yet also bittersweet and melancholic hug), or even matteo getting advice from his drug dealer instead of the school’s doctor, lol. also THE BEST BOY SQUAD, hands down. and matteo is my favorite isak bc to me he felt like his own character instead of just another isak, he was different and reletable and a constant Mood. that being said - it wasn’t perfect and it had its issues. there were a few times when i did feel they stuck too close to og scenes and it didn’t *entirely* work for me, just felt a bit off; i will forever be disappointed that they didn’t directly address and acknowledge matteo’s mental state/depression, bc there were enough signs imo to indicate that he did suffer from something. they mentioned ‘therapy’ in mia’s, alex’s and kiki’s cases, i truly thought they would with matteo as well, but alas, they dropped the ball on that one; i was extremely upset with david’s outing, but i’ve since calmed down and have managed to see it in a more positive light, tho i still have mixed feelings about it and am not fully on board with that decision, still wish it had been done differently (but at least! it wasn’t brushed off and was addressed immediately and eventually led to david having agency and yelling out his pain!!! which was good and important and cathartic); also eps 8 and 9 were pretty messy writing-wise, things either didn’t make sense or would’ve made more sense had the clips were organized differently (that random ping pong clip….?). overall tho, the good outweighed the bad, and it remains my fave

* skam france - now that’s a tricky one. the way i felt about it in the first half of the season, is different from the way i felt about it in the second half of the season, is different from the way i feel about ever since watching druck’s s3. it’s funny you should say how similar it is to wtfock for you, bc i’ve been thinking the same thing for quite some time. those neighboring countries sure have a shared flair for the dramatic! fr’s s3 was pretty much the first s3 i watched (i gif-watched half of skamit, couldn’t get into it). i wasn’t planning to (i was extremely unimpressed by the couple of s1 eps i tried watching, and same by axel’s acting in those first two seasons), but even is the loml and they got me gooood with their eliott pov trailer, which might have affected my excitement over it during the first half. back then i really enjoyed it for the most part, despite some clips being rushed or missing the point thus not fully having the required effect (their locker room scene, for example, or the ‘generalizations are bad’ convo), or how much i hated basile (a character so obviously written by a man it’s amazing), or the cheesy piano music. there were enough good things for me to focus on instead (more in a bit) that i could ignore the things i didn’t like or weren’t as good imo. however, all the positivity got sucked out of me when yann noped tf out after lucas came out to him bc WAY TO MISS THE POINT OF SKAM!!! and things went downhill after the director’s IT’S NOT DISNEYLAND IT’S FRANCE 2019 comment. i’m getting all upset just thinking about it, but to say *that*, to explain that horrendous decision bc lowkey homophobic reactions are realistic!!! only to THEN be all ‘haha jk yann isn’t homophobic! we just wanted you to *think* he was! he’s actually an awesome friend who took several days to reflect on all his past wrongdoings while his bff was at home having a nervous breakdown bc he believed his bff hated him!’ ughhhhhhhhh, miss me with that shit. great that they had yann apologizing for his past comments, but the way in which it was done was for pure shock value and angst, completely ooc for his character (all season he was all ‘tell me tell me tell me let me help let me help let me help’ only to do *that*?? nahh), and interesting how out of everyone the only black character was the only one with a negative reaction (remind you of anyone), highlighted even more during ep 7 aka the ott lucas coming out tour. then ep 8, that should have been 100% all lucas and eliott and building up to eliott’s manic episode suddenly had that weird random pov changing clip in the middle of it which truly wtf, basile was still basile, lucas thanked chloe for outing him, more scenes felt rushed, they had sex in school where people could come and go in front of huge windows in broad daylight and luckily didn’t get poisoned from licking all that paint! and i did not like the flatshare, i absolutely hated mika and lisa kicking lucas out of his room - which he pays rent for! - and manon not even trying to put up a fight, and them being like ‘roommate isn’t just a place, it’s a way of living. that’s a family, and you’re more like a cousin.’ ‘a second cousin.’ ughhhhhh and then when eliott was recovering from his depressive episode, they *still* didn’t give lucas his room back or at least let eliott stay there, he was sleeping on the couch, i’m aldjlajdafj. can’t believe i’m gonna say it, but TAKE NOTES FROM WTFOCK. tl;dr there were some good moments in the second half, but i was feeling bitter more often than not about certain things, so my enjoyment wasn’t as high as when it first started. and after watching druck, druck’s brand is definitely much more my style. plus, i was already struggling with making myself believe axel and maxence were in their teens, but after druck it’s completely impossible, so i just pretend they’re in college or something lol. all my issues with it aside, i’d still rate it higher than wtfock, bc overall the writing was better, more coherent, and made much more sense. i also liked lucas’ friendship with the girls; i loved that instead of copying the underwater kiss + 21:21 like some others have, they came up with their own thing i.e. polaris, which i thought was lovely; the lucas/manon crying in the middle of the night together in front of the tv was one of my fave scenes of the season; also love how we were introduced to eliott on the first week! and they spent time together! and specifically the piano playing scene, ohhhh; and in general elu are sweet and i reeeeally like axel and maxence and their friendship. so yeah, it had some major issues, but i’d rather have a coherent story with something done for shock value and drama ONCE than an incoherent story with several shock value moments.

* skam espana - sorry to hear you girls were disappointed! i only watched half of it, so i can only comment on what i saw. i decided to binge watch s1 and give s2 a shot when i heard they were giving cris isak’s story - it felt a bit weird to me, but it was also something different and new, and i did have an appreciation for their decision to have a wlw season (also much more revolutionary to me than showing a gay bashing), so i was intrigued and willing to try it. sadly i didn’t really vibe with s1? it’s totally a personal preference i think, maybe even a cultural thing idk, but it felt very fast and loud and hectic to me, idrk how to explain it. i was just more into the chill more lowkey vibe of druck and skamnl. but i still gave s2 a shot, and idk, it still wasn’t my cup of tea. i thought it was ok for the most part, but there were some things that bothered me - joana/cris felt underdeveloped to me? and things b/w them felt like they were moving so fast from the second they met, like jona was so intense and forward ALL THE TIME, they had like 6 almost kisses in a really short time, like shhh slow down. i remember disliking their ‘call your gf’ scene, it felt really petty and kinda mean to me? bc i felt like joana came on to cris *really* strongly and *very* frequently, so cris was more than entitled to feel hurt and betrayed when she found out joana had a bf, but then cris was kissing a dude and joana positioned herself and her bf in front of cris so she’d see them kissing too, and i just didn’t like bc seriously?? cris is valid, just apologize to her and explain?? idr much else tbh, they had some really cute and sweet scenes afterwards, i’m still against doing the underwater kiss + 21:21 so i was kinda meh about that (tho aesthetically speaking it was BEAUTIFUL, and i’m like, fiiiiine girls deserve an underwater kiss too, i’ll allow it just this once!), and that cuddling clip in ep 6 i think was sweet and the last one i watched. like i said, i was less vibing with this remake, and iirc it was going on during druck’s s3 and skamnl’s s2 - which were my faves, plus skamfr was on too i think and i was lowkey following it too, so….there was just too much all at once and something had to go, and it was skamesp. it was also around the time when panaphobia-gate happened, so *shrugs* i’m not wlw myself so your opinion on it being desexualized is probably more valid than mine? i just know when i did watch, there was a lot of kissing and making out and being cute and touchy with each other, so i thought it was ok? as i’ve mentioned before, i don’t need to see a naked butt or anything like that to *get* it lol, i thought they were lovely! but that’s just me. i will say that my faaaave part was most definitely the cris/amira friendship. they were so wonderful! one of the best skam friendships imo. i might one day go back and finish the season just for the heck of it, but they didn’t do anything major or highly offensive that made me have negative feelings towards it, it was just a personal preference + circumstances (too many remakes!) that made me be less into it and drop it before the end.

#phallusophical #replies #sorry for the gigantic wall of text!#but like i said - you asked! haha #i'd put this under a read more but my blog theme makes it harder to read there so....sorry!#all those who aren't interested in my opinions just quickly scroll past this just this one time ty #aaaaanyway hope this answered your question??? 😊#skam remakes #long post #druck #skam france #wtfock #skam spain

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bloodfcst-a · 5 years

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Hey, y’all. Tumblr’s been setting off my anxiety in the last few days, thus the reason I’ve been away. I’ll give you a full explanation under the cut for those who are interested (though I’d really appreciate it if you all read it anyway), and provide some contact information for places you can find me.

Discord: conjure. ☆#6443 Twitch: ninabeanxo Twitter: mishtadelet

I’ve been kind of quiet on Discord lately & I’m the most active on Twitter. I also announce when I’m streaming on Twitter, so... yeah. Sorry about this.

I want to be here. I really do. But there’s something about the summers on Tumblr that are really hard on me. I also think people’s attitudes change & idk why, but people seem to treat me pretty rudely? I try so hard to be approachable, to be kind and positive and supportive, but the amount that people try to take advantage of me or are just plain rude to me is?? So wild. So for those reasons, I’ve just kind of been isolating myself lately, and I may seem a little distant/less approachable/not talking much about myself because tbh... some of y’all are just haphazardly setting off my anxiety / panic attacks and I seriously can’t do it. I already have PTSD, so it’s a fucking nightmare lmao.

There is no gentle way of saying this, but it really needs to be stated. Please respect my triggers, or I will not talk to you. Please respect if I ask you not to mention something or someone to me.

and this is a really big one....

Please respect my boundaries.

If I have mentioned to you that I am not vibing with someone, do not send me media of them / that includes them, do not ask me about ships with them, do not tag me in posts of / with them, and please stop asking me about group verses / affiliated servers. In my time on tumblr, I’ve dealt with theft, bullying, emotional abuse, sexual harassment & solicitation. I’m constantly asking myself ‘ Why me? ’ but more than that, I’m really trying to avoid further situations from happening. I haven’t found an answer. I’m guessing it’s ‘cause I’m soft / nice? idk. Stop ruining a good thing. Y’all are gonna make me bitter, dang.

When I made this blog, I was explicit that I do not want to be in mainstream FF fandom. When I promo this blog, I even say primarily fandomless & canon-divergent. There is way too much messiness in the fandom, extremely toxic people & tendencies there, and I just don’t like fandom discussion. Regardless of my reasons, the point is that I’m not interested, so please stop trying to entice me to go back. It’s so blatantly rude & shows you think your interests & wishes are more important than my comfort level, and I don’t appreciate that sentiment in the slightest.

That being said, I know Yufi reads differently. That’s why I put so much work into her metas. I even have two tags for all the content. At some point I’ll even have a less minimalistic blog & with more links so it’s super accessible ( in the off chances searching for the ‘ meta ’ and ‘ kisaragi ‘ tags don’t work ). But in the meantime... ask questions. Read. Join a stream. I’ve literally streamed games & movies for folks privately & occasionally stream now. I actually started a new file of VII not too long ago and just got Yuffie, so I could literally have a gameplay stream where we go through canon together. I’m like... nearly begging. Don’t make assumptions.

Again, there are so many resources. There’s wikis, there’s the tags, there’s the inbox ( just ask! ), there’s streams, there’s gameplay & commentary videos, there’s stuff. If you are confused or unsure, I would much rather you reach out. This is regardless of how long I’ve known you, ‘cause some of us have known me for a while and still don’t know anything about me or my portrayal or how to interact, in- or out-of-character.

On the topic of assumptions (because it really is that important, so many issues stem from assumptions & you continuously making the wrong assumptions will leave me less inclined to speak with you, nevermind interact), let’s address some.

I do not write a hyper-sexualized muse. I know this is fanon because of her choice in clothes... however, clothes are a fashion choice, and do not reflect a person’s... existence? I don’t know if it’s the masculinity or the rape culture or what but... what she’s wearing does not mean she deserves any hypersexual treatment... and also as an extension, myself ( bc this happens way too frequently-- please stop seeing my muse and then approaching me about your personal sexual fantasies. It is extremely uncomfortable, as someone who is sex-neutral & demiromantic, to be randomly selected to talk about sex? with me personally? via my muse? Or about my muse when we have zero chemistry? Why do y’all think this is okay??). When I do choose to write sexual / nsfw content, it’s always after conversations ( plural!! ) with my writing partner & after I feel comfortable with the topic and with them. But even if I had her hoein’ it up on the dash, that doesn’t mean to make assumptions about her character (bc maybe there’s character motivations I need to write a meta for & it’s part of her background) or me (the mun is not the muse!! say it with me!!).

I do not write a kleptomanic. Again, this is entirely fanon, because Yuffie says in literally everything she’s mentioned in that she does not steal without a purpose-- and the highest purpose is that she’s stealing items that would restore the power and glory of Wutai or for her personal safety. However, I very rarely write theft... I try really hard to steer clear of the topic because I’m aware that it’s like the #1 thing she’s reduced to. She’s a thief class, yes, but that is not the only dimension to her. I could go on, but I think that’s enough.

Just because our characters share canon does not mean they’re going to have chemistry. I am canon-divergent. But not only that... Yuffie just doesn’t vibe with most people as a canon fact. She is an outsider to like... 99% of people, exclusion being Godo ( Wutai ) & the Turks & the WRO. She doesn’t even claim herself as a member of AVALANCHE. Not only this, but the dynamic she has with one Reeve or Cloud does not represent every duplicate-- that comes with plotting and with chemistry. We will have to plot & work together to figure out exactly how our versions of characters mesh. This is a collaborative hobby.... so the collaborating shouldn’t be that much of a surprise.

If you come guns-a-blazin’ without clearly having read anything about my portrayal, with completely inaccurate characterizations & just assume because we’re friendly out-of-character I’m gonna be pleased with it.... you’re dead wrong. I’m actually just... a very kind and nice person. I may just gently offer you some suggestions or corrections. But if you repeatedly come with your assumptions & pre-conceived notions and it’s clear you’re not paying literally any attention to me or my ideas about my portrayal... I’ll probably just recommend you to another duplicate. I know one who stole a ton of my content & former friends, so you’ll be in good hands.

If you’re here, I assume that you want to write with me, not the idea of me. I’m a person with feelings & interests too, y’know ?? I feel like somehow that’s easy to forget with me for some reason, given how often people feel inclined to overstep my boundaries & act so disrespectful to me. Which is... fucking wild, honestly !! I’ve even had a person deadass say to my face “ I didn’t think/know you’d want to be treated with appreciation and respect. ” What the actual fuck does that mean? What kind of dominant abuser mentality ??????? Y’all on this site stress me out!!

The last two weeks have been legit stupid stressful on me, and I’ve had some interpersonal changes with folks in the last month (mainly in private) all regarding these subjects. About people here feeling entitled to be rude to me & finding all sorts of justifications for it (I’ve heard everything from “my grandma was sick” to “work’s hard”-- what’s that gotta do with you curb stomping me & my ideas/feelings, and telling me my emotions aren’t relevant in comparison to yours? It doesn’t). And it’s just been weighing down on me a lot. I don’t usually go on main here to discuss issues like this, but because it��s been OVERWHELMING in the last few weeks (and also, bc being nice to everyone is kinda common sense ? and idk why folks here seem to think I’m excluded from the ‘everyone’???), it just seemed like now, while I’m isolating a bit in an attempt to focus on some self-healing, would be a great time to discuss things.

I know this was a long post... but there’s been a lot of injustices done to me on here & in life, so....... if it burdens you to read all this, imagine how shitty it feels to have to experience it. Yeah. It’s rough, pals.

I don’t know how to really end this post godhsaohof. I’m hoping this will kind of open someone’s eyes & like... maybe things will change. I’ve stated before, but I have chronic illness so I really can’t handle stress or, for lack of a better term, a lot of bullshit tbh. If you wouldn’t say it to someone with a dying illness or cancer or a soft sweet grandma, don’t say it to me. Because that’s literally me! I’ve got an illness I’m dying from & I’ve had cancer & I’m soft and sweet! tl;dr, stop being so mean to me dang. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.

#♝ mun.#long post /#please read though.#people on this site have been wearing me out.......#and i just kinda needed a break from it all.#i want to be here! hopefully i'll be back to normal soon.#but i just need some time to recharge & i would like if folks could just be nice to me.....#gosh.#watch me lose followers bc i'm trying to practice some self-love and respect instead of my usual self-loathing lmao.#whatver.... i don't care about follower numbers anymore.#i just want kind and genuine interactions.... is that so much to ask for.

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