#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry

[early-october-skies]

Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees

#lizzierants #had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly #caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because #theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry #that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing #good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me #someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with #my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am #overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back #this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf #i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec #ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help #and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here #most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much #anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking #terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine #is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because #they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate #this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start #crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3 #i will heal and ill be okay <3

[navramanan]

So tired of continuesly feeling this way I keep trying and failing time and time and time again

#i dont want to feel a profound sadness anytime anyone (especially someone i know) expresses being grateful about their group of friends #i dont want to feel this way every time i find out about them being at a social gathering or whatever together #i feel so awful so so awfully patheticly lonely i feel so stupid and i feel so horrible when admitting it #and i fall into deep worry about my situation never changing bc everyone i know has a network of friends from childhood or school #and pretty much no one from my childhood or school stayed in my life i feel so scared of my future how will i live a life this way #anytime i come across a post talking about long time friends i cannot stomach reading it #it's all so debilitating and i dont know how much longer i can keep on ranting like this #i moved countries i hoped things would change i approached people i talked i asked to hang out three years later i'm left with two #(used to be three but she seems to not care about me at all) seperate friends i'm so grateful for both #but it doesnt work out. it doesnt work this way. i cannot socialize with them since theyre not muslim n we have very different life styles #so i tried finding muslim friends i got associated with the muslim students association went to gatherings joined the book club #i met very lovely girls but nothing more came out of it #i remember the first time i took part in something it was two years ago i talked with a group #it was a group who already were friends and one girl who also had just met them #a year later i find out theyve all become friends and hang out. vallahi i dont know what it is i'm doing wrong i'm so tired and so desperate #it kills me. it's so scary to not have a social network not have friends to lean on to call when youre in need it's so isolating #i've lived my teen years this way i'm continuing to live my 20s this way and cant stop but think it has to do with me #anyways enough of that now bye #nesi rants

[privitivium]

Hear me out, in a different timeline, reader had a lover when yan freak moved in as a roommate, everytime yan freak tries to get rid of the "unnecessary distraction" his reader is always there making him stop each time in his tracks

Each time he fails, he becomes more destructive, he starts taking out his frustration to his room, he doesn't want reader to see him like this, he really doesn't! But if that bitch keeps sticking around he might as well show it in action, thoughts?

nice thoughts... didnt understand the last part, but im digging the idea in general. got some perverted shit cooking in my brain,,,

the fucking freak whos so out of touch literally touches on you more than ur lover bro. Imagine that. ur lover is secure, of course, but seeing how this freak is with you,,, they dont appreciate him as ur roommate. they, and you, would hate him if they knew how exactly creepy he is,,, and i mean. you do know. you know lots of things. but... not to the extent of this guy standing outside the bathroom and jerking off to the mere sound of water slipping down ur body to the tile,,, you knew how much he liked you "as a friend", he was really affectionate n touchy in general and overall really nice!! you were oblivious. but anyway.

everytime he tries... seperating you two, you somehow stop him? and him taking out his frustration on his room? and then, you catching him? what... what would you do,,, laugh at him? it must be fate. Not being together... but he doesnt like fate. this freak being such a creepy little twerp and pressing his ear to the wall when you have your lover over, literally rolling around and flailing n sobbing quietly as he hears the soft fumbling of clothes and breathless moans trying so hard to keep quiet. [ wont b long b4 thats u n him... he's delusional :( ]

and obviously, oblivious to your little freaky friend sabotaging your lover, setting them up for failure when his own plans dont work out in the long game... like. FINALLY! theyre out of the picture n now yan freak can swoop in and be the loving roommate who also doubles as a fuckhole for you to pour ur feelings into !!! cmon, dont worry about them,,,, woahh doesnt his taut lil hole feel sooo good around ur thick cock? hm? why is he crying? well, you just feel so good dont woryr about it... [ soo super happy that hes crying tears of joy even while ur still distraught over ur lover while fucking him. ]

#yandere “freak” LOZL #x male reader #male reader #top male reader #x top male reader #dom male reader #x dom male reader #yandere x male reader #yandere male x reader #yandere male x male reader #yandere m x m reader #yea!!!^^^!*!*!

[genderfluid-insomniac]

sun wukong and sixed eared mihou realizing their crushes [where theyre in a "courting" type stage of their relationship] mortality? like they knew they were mortal before sure but they get a close call where their crush is Fine but it kinda puts things to perspective for them ykwim [smth like having to pull them away from a car that nearly hits them, nearly falling off a mountain ledge, just barely dodging an attack, etc]

idk im curious to see how theyd react and if theyd grow distant or clingy or try to Make them immortal

Sun Wukong + Six-Eared Macaque x fatally injured!mortal!s/o

Sun Wukong

He knows all too well about being close to someone who’s mortal and doesn’t want to go through it again but would rather become mortal with you than force you to become immortal. So when you get fatally injured during an attack against the city he freaks out and thinks that’s it, Wukong isolates himself into you or one of his friends physically goes into his hut where his brother and sisters surround him all worried and concerned for their king.

You repeatedly tell him that this was his life worked sadly, and people got injured but that doesn’t mean he’s going to lose you until he shouts out, “THATS THE THING! JUST LIKE THE OTHERS, YOU LEAVE ME AND DIE WHILE I SUFFER FROM STAYING IMMORTAL. I DON’T WANNA LOSE YOU!” He turns to face you and tears are streaming down his face, his nose is running and he’s hyperventilating, you realize all these past weeks why he’s been so protective and worried because of this. The relationship between you two was still new so at first you didn’t know how to respond and then you followed what your heart wanted to do, ignoring every awkward warning in your mind.

He needed comfort. Your lover who risked his life and gave his heart to you needed reassurance and comfort from you. You ran over to him and hugged him as tightly as you could with your injury, wiping his tears and kissing him sweetly. Some of the monkeys climbed next to you to watch you guide Sun through a breathing exercise. “In…1….2…3….4….out…2…3…4.. That’s it.”

You reassured him that you did indeed want to spend the rest of your life with him, there was no doubt in your mind. “Sun Wukong, I don’t wanna leave you one day and I love you so much. Even if it’s still early in our relationship, I would give my life in exchange for having eternity by your side.” The king is shocked and stops crying slowly, sniffling and looking right into your eyes. He could see it, you weren’t lying and it was the same devotion and strength that drew him towards you in the first place.

You helped him up and waved the crowd of monkeys to follow you to the side cavern that had holes for the sun to peek in and a waterfall flowing into a small underwater cave system and river. There long ago the Great Sage had taken the seeds from the immortal peaches and planted them in the grass there, originally it just for him but now it had grown into a place of comfort for him, holding such a strong and powerful gift. Jumping to grab a peach and having some help from one of his siblings, you took it in your hands and felt the soft fuzz.

“I want to stay with you.” You gathered his hands in yours so both of you were holding the fruit and lifted up to your mouth, taking a bite and chewing it as you relished the soft taste. Wukong smiled so lovingly at your actions and did the same, biting the opposite side of the peach and humming at the familiar but sweet taste. All the monkeys around you slowly came towards and hugged you, some let out whoops of joy, and others ran outside (if you had to guess to inform others that their royal older brother had taken a mate for life).

Six Eared Macaque

…….so…….the topic of death for him is a very difficult subject to breach in the first place and getting him to open up, reassuring him you do truly love him and aren’t going to leave or betray him took a while. Macaque is already very protective of you and there have been several close calls where you’ve been close to dying every time his anxiety spikes, the dark voices in his mind whisper how some day you’ll leave this mortal plane leaving him alone again, and death tormenting him in the worst way.

One day he goes to visit you and when you don’t answer he knocks again….and again, after two or three minutes he invites himself in and calls out your name. If not for his hearing he wouldn’t have heard you faintly whisper his name and the sound of your heart beating slowly, your body sounded wrong and badly damaged but you hadn’t been injured in a battle so what was wrong? Macaque got his answer when he stepped into your room and you brightly flushed with the covers pulled up to your chin, a trash full of used tissues by your bedside table alongside a bucket he could guess for vomiting.

“What happened? Lotus you were fine a couple of days ago-“ You held your hand out and he sat on your bed, cradling your head in his lap and giving you water before you spoke. “Meningitis.” A cough spilled from your lips and you held your head in pain, groaning and blindly reaching for pain pills. Your boyfriend used his tail to grab them and help you swallow them, rubbing comforting circles on your hand. “My brain is swelling which is causing me to be sick and my prescribed medications aren’t stopping it. It suddenly came on and if I don’t get the right help or get better then I’ll die.”

You didn’t mean to freak him out but hiding it would make it worse and you held Macaque’s hand as he tried to suppress his panic attack, trembling and murmuring pleas to anyone or anything to not take you away from him all as you could only hold his hand. Too weak to stand for longer than two minutes. With tears streaming down his face he cupped your face and took a deep breath, “I’ve been thinking about this for a while and now is certainly not the “right” time but I can’t live in a world without you. I love you too much to live the rest of my immortality without you and I would rather die a second time, so….”

“Yes.” He stopped and met your gaze, you nodded and reached a hand up to cup his cheek, letting tears roll down your cheeks. “Macaque from the moment I met you I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life and if it means being immortal with you then I gladly accept. Do whatever you need to do.” He nodded and borrowed your laptop to search for myths of immortality elixirs or artifacts that would help you become immortal, the entire day your lover spent caring for you while also finding something for eternal life.

That’s when he found the ingredients to make an elixir of immortality, entrusting your care to MK and Sandy before heading off into the forest. After days of search, he finally found it, he almost got his arm chopped off but it was worth it for you, Macaque rushed back to you and peppered you full of kisses. Soon enough he came back into your room with a cup full of herbal tea with Blood-red cinnabar and gleaming gold; fickle mercury and fiery sulfur mixed in and sat you up to drink it, “Take it slow, lotus. You’re still sick.” You slowly drank the cup until it was empty and both of you waited with baited breath until you could take a deep breath, already sounding so much better according to his six ears.

#lmk x reader #lmk macaque #lmk macaque x reader #six eared macaque x reader #six eared macaque #lmk sun wukong #lmk sun wukong x reader #sun wukong x reader

[olvitier]

Sorry its so late buf i am in an Edling mood tonight and I will never stop thinking about the idea of how theyre the epitome of right person wrong time.

(obviously in a context of like fandom shenannigans where canon events arent 100% set in stone like edling arent canon but also idc !! they are to me! im ignoring it let me be insane) ANYWAY

Even if they wanted to be together post promised day Ling has all the responsibilities of Xing and his clan and Edward would never hold him back from that for a second. Im of the opinion that brotherhood Edward feels a lot of guilt for wanting love from the people around him particularly those he sees as good (winry, alphonse, etc) especially if hes done things hes perceived as hurting them (maes’ death, the transmutation, etc etc). Which is why I think Edward connects with Ling so well cayse he doesnt carry the weight of a lot if his past mistakes, and then when the stone happens its like goddamn it i roped this guy into my shit again. Like i dont know Edward doesnt really dedicate himself so fully to people outside of winry and ed a lot so its interesting like!!

He cares about a lot of people like the majority of the allied cast and we see him be openly affectionate towards Nina and Hughes pre their deaths but I think Ling is the only person hes ever decided to stick with WITHOUT alphonse? I may be wrong but the whole sure Ill stay with you and trust my brother and Winry to stay safe and follow you around the outskirts of the east for a week till the promised day to protect my new friend is so??? what?? huh???

But anyone my point is post promised day Edward cant really ever see a future with Ling because of all the responsibility Ling holds outside of him and its veyr tragic imo like especially because in a different scenario if Ling didnt have those responsibilities and Edward wasn’t so dedicated to the people around him to a fault of never thinking about his own desires I think they could have the possibility of a future.

Like I have read a lot of fanfiction abiut Ed traveling to Xing and living with him there but?? I realistically cant see him ever doing that just solely because Edward is not the type of person to settle down! like its my one and only criticism of the fma manga is that I cannot see Edward ever being satisfied with a simple life? Like even in Fma 03 which is my favourite interpretation of Edwards character once he gets stranded in our world he learns?? Rocket Science?? For the chance to get back to Amestris but he doesnt really seem to take that goal all that seriously especially considered Alfons ends up getting involved in a lot more aircraft projects than Edward like Edwsrd genuinely enjoys learning!!

Im pretty sure he was the one who dragged Alphonse into Hoenhiems office when they were kids after he left, probably to Al’s reluctance of if they were allowed in there, and started ripping through all of his old books just to learn. Edward never stops and it gets so bad that he never stops to even consider himself constantly worrying about getting his brother back or improving the states of others lives especially when! ya know! the whole country is at stake!!

So in a circumstance post promised day where Ed decides what he wants to do (my personal favourite interpretation is either an alchemical researcher outside of directly performing alchemy, ie revolutionizing the circle matrixes and discovering nee combinations or becoming a professor of some kind) I dont think he would give that up to settle again. And obviously Ling cant exactly up and leave being Emperor unless he decides he doesnt want to, im not the most knowledgable on Lings characterization so I wont speak there but!

They have so much fun together and compliment each other and genuinely care about each other so much but their happiness and fulfillment as people to themselves and others make it so its nearly impossible they would ever realistically end up together and its really doomed and tragic!! idk i think about it a lot.

#fma #edward elric #edling #fma thoughts #andrew be normal challenge it is NOT this deep this anime came out over a decade ago gay people arent real pre 2013 idk man im just insane #thought id share anyway please give me your thoughts fellow edling fans #specifically edling fans cause i dont wanna debate ship legitmacy #day speaks

[fipindustries]

got obsessed last night thinking about that "would you go back to being 5 if you had the chance"

the more i thought of it the more issues started piling up.

first of all i wouldnt be able to keep it a secret for long. the sheer shock of meeting my family young again, including dead relatives, would be too strong. also i dont think i could convincingly pretend to act as a five year old. so i would have to tell the truth to my parents.

would they believe me? well i would be able to prove that i have completly unreasonable knowledge for a 5 year old, advanced math, literature, computation, physics, plus knowing english fluently. worst case scenario i can predict 9/11 and eventually they would just kind of have no option but to believe me.

would i be able to get them to buy early stock on shit like google, amazon, youtube, facebook, etc? i dunno, we were a struggling family in argentina back then, i dont think they would have the channels available to do that. also our country was about to be hit by one of its worst economic crises ever so that would also suck a whole lot.

the problem that comes with this is if they tell other people, if the secret comes out id be genuenly terrified id be kidnapped by some agency of some sort and they would try to squeeze me for all my knowledge of the future. same reason i dont think i could contact anyone online about this, there are many people online i would like to have their feed back on my situation but i would worry that a mail or a call or a private message would get intercepted by some NSA like agency (did they even exist in the 90's??? who knows) and is back to the kidnapping. im not internet savvy enough to know of any way to securely send messages online, less of all how to do that in 98.

the other problem is that i would be aware of so many tragedies in my family that i would feel the need to do something about. like how do i break it to my parents that they will get divorced eventually? i know of a distant aunt that will die eventually but i dont remember the exact year so how can i prevent that? do i tell those other relatives that their first attempt at having a child is going to end on a spontanous abortion??? i know of a relative who ended up molesting another relative but it would feel weird to accuse them when they havent done anything yet and it would be a terrible blow to the family and there is a chance they wouldnt believe me. but also i wouldnt be able to hang out with that relative knowing what they will do and it would be massively awkward. and also, how can i look at the relative that got molested on the face if im not going to stop what theyre going to go through? i would be forced to interact with some many people in my family i dont talk to anymore.

do i tell my dad that he will get fired from his job? do i tell my mom what career she is eventually going to pursue? how would she feel about that? would she even go to that career? would i be controlling her life telling her what she is supposed to do?

if i try to re establish friendships with my friends early on the power imbalance would be ridiculous. i already know everything about them. it would be a different friendship if i am the one who pursues it deliberatly and tries to cultivate it on purpose rather than letting it bloom organically. also if i meet them too early on they might be entirely different people, and maybe due to my interference they never grow up to be the people i am familiar with. do i tell that evangelical christian friend that they will eventually become an atheist? do i tell that other "boy" that they will eventually become a girl? do i let that guy know they are gay? holy shit i know of so many of my relatives and friends of my mom that were still on the closet back then.

and on that topic. fuck me, would i have to essentially boy mode for huge portions of my life until i finally start to get some independence. this is the late 90's early 2000's in argentina we are speaking about. i dont think i would get my parents to respect the gender of their 5 year old kid. that would fucking suck balls. shit i probably wouldnt be able to watch porn any more! or masturbate! or be in a serious relationship for at least ten years and even then, again power differentials, i would be so much more mature and adult than any prospective partner with my body's age.

also going to school would be hell, i could probably know how to avoid being bullied this second time around but still i dont think i could avoid being ostracized because i am not going to change who i am just so a bunch of snot nosed little kids dont make fun of me. so that would also suck.

i wouldnt be able to see nothing new on tv, jesus christ. it would all just be shows and episodes i saw before. same in movies. i could probably catch up on some movies from the past i didnt get around to seeing yet. and would probably get to see a bunch of my favourite movies on theatres that i hadnt had the chance to see. but over all it would mean no new media for 25 years. no new games, movies, books, comics, tv shows etc.

also, of course there would be divergences, massive divergences. in fact the more time passes the more things will inevitable change due to my interference and at some point i would be living an entirely new life with no memories to be guided by and that would be terrifying on a whole new level because there would be a chance i end up in a worse place i was at the first time around. i was thinking that i could at least live happy and secure knowing that i was not going to die because i know nothing killed me the first time around but what if actually the first time around i had a bunch of brushes with death i wasnt aware of like a potential car crash or whatever that this time around i do end up in?

there are just far too many downsides honestly to be worth it

#writing

[slaygentford]

I CANNOTTTTTT stop thinking about the if lestat had come to New Orleans 13 years earlier post. I cannotttttt get it out of my brain. the ways in which. lestat would be like well seemply allow me mon ami a favor for a good friend :) you musnt worry that beautiful head over finances when I am so readily available! after Louis fathers death which Louis would refuse but inevitably have a breakdown and give into (lestat would somehow engineer that breakdown btw) and inevitably he and lelstat would become involved and then EVEN MORE INEVITABLY.. FLORENCE AND LEVI AND GRACE AND PAUL WOULD BE LIVING OFF OF. LESTATS. MONEY oh and they would hate it so much they would hate it oosoooso much it would be ssosososo evil and obviously lestat hates Louis being focused on anyone but him so Sunday dinner is absolutely an unlivable experience that florence and lestat both insist on because lestat has convinced himself theyre in a battle for Louis affection and florence has her pride btw the way the family would be so. furious. bc according to them Louis is NOT BEATING THE WHITE MANS WHORE ALLEGATIONS but what else was he meant to do??? genuinely? like lestat is keeping them from losing their house and their lifestyle and all of it ...... LESTAT PAYING FOR GRACE'S WEDDING BARKBARKBARK SNARL it would be the messiest possible version of this story it would be vile and evil and everyone would hate each other so much and I would like. to. see it

#lestat btw was planning on courting Louis and turning him before his 22nd birthday but then his dad died and he was like. god damn it #so now out of sheer obsession and stubbornness he's stuck in this situation for the foreseeable future #my fingies.... they itch to write

[xiaosenthusiast]

08. kind of makes this trip suck

before you could all start walking into the carnival hu tao spoke up.

“so how are we doing this?”

“what do you mean?”

“i mean how are we getting into groups?”

“oh.”

you hadn’t really thought about it, but you could see who wanted to be partners with who. lumine was looking at a certain someone, he was looking back. xiao was also looking at lumine but she was looking at one of his friends. albedo.

“albedo do you wanna be partners?”

“sure.”

the first group was formed, lumine and albedo.

after lumine paired up with albedo, xiao had a disappointed look on his face. you got closer to him and you felt his hair tickle your face.

“hey, don’t be so disappointed. i mean…we can be partners?”

he turned to you and his face became even more disappointed. but he agreed.

“okay then that leaves me and kazuha..why’d i get him?”

she grumbled before walking into the carnival. lumine smiled at albedo and they held hands while walking into the carnival.

xiao, being annoyed, grabbed your hand and followed closely behind them. “what ride first?”

while xiao listened closely into their conversation, you just stared at your hand intertwined with his. you felt your heart beat quicken and felt your face become hot.

soon enough he was pulling you along with him, right. we’re following lumine and albedo.

‘yn snap out of it! you’re only holding hands!’

although you were trying to focus on lumine and albedo, you couldn’t stop staring at xiao.

he just looked so…pretty.

the first ride was bumper cars so you got in a car with xiao and he immediately aimed for lumine and albedo.

to be honest you were getting kind of annoyed with how persistent he was.

i know he has a crush on lumine but can’t he at least acknowledge me? i’m still his friend.

when we got on the ferris wheel, you saw hu tao talking to the ride operator…and giving him some extra money?!

you gave her a look and she just gave you a smug smile.

you weren’t at the top when the ride stopped but you were kind of at the top…do you get what i mean?

but anyways, turns out hu tao slipped him some cash so that you would all have the best fireworks seats.

you were amazed by the fireworks, they were so pretty!

you turned to xiao but all he seemed focused on was lumine and albedo, who were in the cart in front of us.

you sighed and grabbed his chin, making him face you.

“yn?! what are yo-“

“xiao. i get it. you like lumi, but you can take a break from stalking her every once in a while yknow?”

“oh please, i don’t-“

“xiao, you’ve been focused on them this whole evening. it kind of makes this trip suck.”

he looked at you with wide eyes and let out a sigh. he gave lumi and albedo one more glance before fully facing you.

“i’m sorry..i didn’t realize that you were trying to have fun..i was just so focused on them i forgot why you came in the first place.”

“it’s okay..just make sure you have some fun too. you don’t have to watch over them 24/7 haha.”

you gave him a soft smile and turned your attention to the fireworks again.

after the ferris wheel you got on more rides with xiao and he seemed to be enjoying himself more. although you guys weren’t holding hands anymore, you were happy he finally had fun instead of stalking lumine.

at the end of the trip, you realized you still had to drive xiao home.

what a pain in the ass

extra !

“soo…lumine likes albedo huh?”

“yeah…sorry i didn’t tell you..”

it was quiet for a while until he started playing txt.

“are you gonna move on? or are you gonna ‘fight for her love’ haha”

“don’t worry i’ll move on w u bby gorl”

he bit his lip and made that stupid face

“wha- hey! don’t joke around with me!”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

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a/n -ˋˏ✄┈┈ i love adding clichés theyre sm fun to write

taglist ! @mikctp @fvrose @kayleigh-reuthlr @xxgenderenvyxx @ferumie @sxiaoul @whats-humanity-lol @skatercashew @kuni-kuzushii @plinkuro

if ur blog is in bold that means i can’t tag u due to ur privacy settings ! if u change ur username lmk !!

#angst #genshin x you #genshin xiao #adeptus xiao #genshin x reader #modern au #xiao x reader #xiao x you #highschool au #xiao angst #genshin smau #genshin impact xiao #alatus #social media au #xiao smau #until i found you — series

[chuchuminn]

just realized its been really really long since i posted (so sorry for being rlly lazy some stuff happened)

new content!!!!!

what if aruji sama was a DEMON??

smth ive been thinking abt!

im gonna come up with smth like whtever

name = ELENORA STEINE (nora, but none are her real name *its actually ____*

age = VERY OLD.

height = might be crazy... 6'2

facts abt nora:

- very bad memory (no she wont remember where her fork from dining went after going to the bathroom but its ok bc shes a grandma /j)

- came from germany (has a slight german accent wowzers)

- doesnt rlly like sweet but likes sweet if theyre not too sweet...??

- though rlly follows the main story of living in the modern world she just moved in recently 😔

- physically, magically, and mentally capable of murdering someone (any weapon works they should just be dead)

- if shes angry at you kill her or youre the one killed!!! waa waa waa. waa waa waa waa.

buh buh backstory!!! before butlers stuff

-----------

Back when DEMONS, HUMANS, and ANGELS still thrived..

"Is there really such a thing as a war anyway? That would never happen."

Nora says, looking at her two best friends, Kium (ANGEL) and Leon (HUMAN).

"Maybe! Theres a chance, y'know?"

Leon says in a cheerful tone, as Kium speaks up.

"I guess there's a chance as well."

"Anyway, aren't you hungry? We've been sitting in this tavern for a while."

All three nod and go get some food.

---------------

BANG!

Rings the sound of crashes and falling debris, scattering on what was once called the Human territory. Nora, Kium, and Leon were all called back to their own races. One thing was sure. It was war. Noone knew why but the lords of all three races. The three friends were all worried for each other.

They were all on the battlefield as well.

CLANG! CLANG!

The sound of swords clashing rang in Nora's ears. Whooshing of magic from demonic mages and angelic powers fly around.

"Oh, curses.. Why do I have to be doing this..- Leon..?!"

Nora sees Leon, collapsed on the ground. He's.. dead. Someone killed him.

"....Isn't this normal, though? Everyone would die someday."

*Kium says, facing Nora. He has tears running down his face, and he points a spear at you.*

"I have to do this, Nora. I'm so sorry.."

*He tried plunging his spear in Nora's body, but she managed to stop him in time, holding the blade. It couldn't be stopped anyway. Bound to be. She threw the double edged spear at Kium, killing him.*

"It's normal.. Right? Normal. Totally normal.."

*Nora fell down om her knees, and sobbed for a while. She returned back after war was over, and spent life until the modern world.*

--------------

butlers stuff abt NORA time!! (the story was rushed i am sorry)

Berrien:

☆ would love to learn her favorite snacks for tea time!!

☆ when shes sick (its possible ok.) he gives her Tea. (tea tea tea tea im like tea tea ooh just like tea tea ooh)

Lono

☆ he will make every single food she wants no matter the time because when shes rlly hungry she walks around to eat something that is probably edible for demons but not for humans

☆ knows all her favorite foods (hmm, let me guess.. nora's fav food is... Meat)

Bastien

☆ woodcarves her favorite things for her (maybe not a whole house but yeah) mistakenly sleeps in her room if he ever changes her bed (beds, right?)

☆ she teaches him sometimes for fighting stuff but again shes old. her bones are becoming nonexistent. every step you hear some cracking (/j)

Haures

☆ tries his very very best to cook for her (spoiler: it lit the kitchen on fire)

☆ decorated the garden with a lot of stuff because nora said she likes them at a really random time (eg: haures, i like ___.)

Fennesz

☆ reads books with nora then nora starts telling him about what happened during the old times when demons and angels had coexisted

☆ sometimes lifts weights with her because she got a bit bored of standing around (wants her muscles a lot)

Boschi

☆ nora asked him to put a giant pating in her room and it went on the ceiling but nora is happy because its still there (its kinda scary)

☆ flower arranging with boschi time every weekend even though nora gets headaches from them

Ammon

☆ when nora saw THAT scene (spoiler warning: the whip thing) she felt pretty bad for him and wanted to explode his mom

☆ constantly reminds nora not to touch the roses even though it won't hurt that much because he still doesn't want to see her hurt

Lucas

☆ scolds her because she doesn't yap when shes bored but actually runs around and ends up getting hurt

☆ wine lovers (theyre drunkards but nora has more tolerance than lucas because she had drinking competitions before)

Lamli

☆ one time nora ate a red mushroom because of hunger and became as silly as lamli

☆ lamli likes playing with frogs but nora would like to dissect them because its interesting

Nac

☆ nora doesnt understand nac and doesnt know why (his way of words make her brain become water)

☆ scolds her a lot for drinking lots of alcohol because he normally finds her throwing up

Miyaji

☆ doctor also, so... also scolds her with lucas for getting hurt a lot (only thing they can agree on)

☆ nora ate his cooking once after drinking the day before and started vomiting a lot (new rule: never let nora eat spicy after drinking)

Lato

☆ braids her hair but it kinda became a big mess but its fine because nora fell asleep

☆ other than miyaji and flure nora is the only one he likes + nora isnt very scared of him just thinks hes silly

Flure

☆ designed a lot of noras clothes because she really doesnt have that many

☆ nora tried sewing clothes with him once and it turned out pretty good but she stabbed herself a ton

Yuuhan

☆ sparred with her once, stopped because she had a stomach ache in the middle (he will try again)

Hanamaru

☆ talks abt his kids a lot to her and she listens while drinking green tea

Teddy

☆ kinda stalks her and has all her information in his notebook

conclusion....

sorry abt less content for villa butlers bc im not rlly familiar with them 😗

planning on making a new au sooner or later when i have time

thankz so much for reading all this pooks

#akuneko #devil butler with black cat

[mueritos]

hmngh. I have therapy today but Im going to bring up what I feel like are my autistic traits to my therapist. Inserting a read more cuz this got long, but if youre autistic, I would really appreciate some input/advice. This is just so long because I desperately am just searching for some sort of validation or anything really, but I guess its also practice to advocate for myself.

 She has said in past sessions that if I were autistic i’d be too “high functioning”, but I didnt have the knowledge or words or the introspection then to explain myself better. Ive been reading, taking lots of tests, watching a lot of videos, and reading up on autistic experiences. I relate to quite a bit of it and it has been both validating and equally as confusing. I keep doubting myself at every little thing, like doesn’t everyone feel like this? But i am an introverted possibly autistic person surrounded by friends who are extroverts with adhd, and the differences in our experiences has always been normal to me through the “introvert vs extrovert” perspective. Still, I wore my noise cancelling headphones to a music festival in my home town when out with friends and I felt like it really helped me calm down from the noise and the massive amount of people. Ive been letting myself rock when Im doing things, even if my mom points it out and tells me to stop. Ive been saying no to social gatherings for months now under the guise of “i have work to do”, but really its because I genuinely don’t know how to talk to people when its more than 3 of us in a gathering. I end up getting overwhelmed when people are talking over each other, and its always been worse when they’re drinking. I can handle my extrovert friends sober, but drunk is another story. Suddenly I feel the urge to cover my ears when someone says something a little too loud, I cringe when they speak over each other. I’ve had past experiences of people being excited/loud and I want to cringe from the noise and cover my ears, but I can’t because that would look rude. I don’t express myself the same way as others, and I am constantly confused by questions like “are you excited for __?” or “are you sad to be leaving ___?” No? I’m not, I genuinely don’t know what excitement feels like. I like when things have a start and an end, and I will never feel sad for something to end. I’ve stumped my friends and family when I told them I didn’t feel anything toward studying abroad, toward university, etc and etc. Sure I can feel momentary excitement and happiness, but it’s always been internal. I stress when I receive gifts because I worry I don’t look happy enough.

Like...it’s not normal for people to become irrationally angry or agitated when people burst into my room while Im drawing, right? It breaks my focus, and it’s so frustrating because now I can’t go back to what I was doing. I get irrationally angry when people express their happiness or excitement, because I don’t understand it. It confuses me, like why can’t you keep that inside like me? The last time I expressed true happiness was when I saw an email for a potential client, and I stared shaking my hands. It felt so good, but I would never do that in front of other people. “I’m excited” isn’t even part of my vocabulary is what I say often, but it’s true. It doesnt make sense to me to let everyone in the room know how im feeling. My emotions are very stagnant and I often don’t feel what I am actually feeling until theyre at extremes. I struggle with eating on time or if theres no routine. It’s why summer has always been the worst for me, because theres no longer classes or planned breaks for me to follow. I have mental schedules for each day and if they don’t get done or are disrupted, I get really upset because I expected for things to be done. I wasn’t always good at group work, and I had to learn really hard to be a good leader and not take control of everything. Most of my language and body language is based off what I learned from watching TV, and I remember struggling to be understood by others because of that and because of my speech impediment, which I still struggle with now. I remember getting in trouble in school over things that I thought were socially acceptable because I saw them being done in shows, like being “mean” to people. I followed rules very strictly and other kids found me annoying for it because I would snitch on them for it. I only really ever had one close friend up to high school, where thankfully I found a group of people who were just as weird and as queer as I was.

I constantly get asked if I’m okay because I look upset or sad. Apparently my RBF is that strong, because people have even been intimidated by me. I don’t look people in the eye when I am walking around, I kinda just stomp around because I’m faking being confident because I get so anxious by people staring at me. Eye contact has felt invasive for a long time, especially by strangers. I need large amounts of alone time to feel okay. The worst was when I was working 8am to 9pm for a BIPOC/Queer four day program for my campus. That was literal hell. I have never talked to so many people for so long in my life, and I hope I never have to ever again. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal for someone to get so socially exhuasted that you just withdraw completely. I couldn’t fathom speaking after a few hours, getting words out felt literally painful. All I could do when I got home was sleep and do it all over again. If someone tried talking to me when I got home, I was agitated and couldn’t control it. We had to take group photos and I couldn’t even fake a smile; my face muscles hurt and they began twitching. My inability to fake emotions has always been a problem, and Ive had facial twitching from trying to smile in the past during parties and other gatherings. I also feel like I hurt people when I tell them I dont miss them. I don’t think Ive ever felt like Ive missed anyone. I am perfectly fine on my own, and I think my independence makes other people feel like I dont love them. I struggle in romantic relationships because I feel like I dont show affection in a very traditional sense. Light touching feels awful, but when my boyfriends lays on top of me, it’s like I’m at peace and it feels awesome.

idk. I cud go on and on about this but my ignorance toward social situations, my sensory issues that I cant hide anymore, my difficulty with feeling emotions, and I suppose the way my intelligence was always used as a way to ignore all of these issues; it all has been catching up to me. Maybe it was the pandemic. I loved being at home, but the lack of routine made me depressed. I love wearing masks so people dont look at me and I can hide my deadpan face. Idk. Its just been a bit overwhelming lately as I let myself slowly be more in tune with whats happening. I dont know if i want an official diagnosis, but I guess I just want to feel like im not a freak for being different than my peers. Ive always felt behind them

If u read this far pheww thanks but now u know a lot more about my pysche than some of my friends haha. Its just been hard because my friends are starkly different than me, even if they are ND as well.

o well. guess ill figure things out

#muertotalks #asd #we'll see how todays therapy session goes #i was looking at my old middle skool diary and i got kinda sad #i was struggling so hard to fit and i was so depressed #i couldnt understand why my mind hated me and why it was so hard to be in school #sure i was feeling gender dysphoria without knowing it #but so much of what i reread sounded like...autistic burnout... #idk #we'll see #ive always been the weird kid #boutta add another weird warrior cat kid to the autistic ranks

[im-bored-so-i-draw]

a lazy comic about my dinoverse oc? uhh idk

oc info below (if you are intrested ofc)

oh god its very long

jameson heelshire (obv ref)

this is a dinoverse oc (because lately a certain friend of mine has been drawing me into this neat game and honestly i love it), based from brahms heelshire (duh). instead of him being a rat wall (which my oc actually also has a room in the walls but just simply doesnt live there), its his 'wife' that lives there. or so he thought. or so i thought. idk man she maybe lives in the walls or just straight up dead it'd be a mystery instead ig. im more leaning to shes living in the walls, but she is scared of jameson. more to that yes.

i was intending to make him killed his wife but im still contemplating to make the continuation of it. is she dead? is she alive? if so is she in the walls? if she is what is the solemn reason she stays there? fear? or did jameson trapped him? i have more question of him its actually scary.

i know you guys would probably not read those sentences i made in like half to 4 am so i give you

bullets headcanons or just the timeline of his:

his parents is a really strict parents with high standards.

he is very pressured which shapes the personality of him that is perfectionist and doesnt really care for others. also he is very bad at delivering his actual emotion so he looks like a resting bitch face most of the time.

this causes many of his playmates just like naw mommy i dont want to play with this boy, hes real annoying.

and also he doesnt even have that many time to think about friendship anyways.

until this one playmate, a blond girl stayed long enough that when she stop showing up, jameson starts asking about her.

his parents is very thrilled about this that they literally begged the girl to comeback to the mansion.

actually the girl was just really curious about violins and other music instrument, and jameson is basically a walking band (actually its basically just piano, violin and flute mainly).

and jameson didnt expect that his parents would bring her back because he just asking where she went and was about to just continue on with his life.

well now they just like. hating each other. theyre like i didnt want this- AND SO AM I LEAVE ME BE!!!

they have 3 years age gap fyi idk

more and more years passed and jameson doesnt really have a friend other that this girl and they know each other too well now.

they memorized each other habit on the back of their head and often use each other (?)

that girl has a lot of problem with her friends since she become jameson playmate so she often use his name to slip away from her friend group. which they idk kinda judgemental to everyone.

and jameson uses her name as an excuse from his BUSY schedule. also she knows a lot about him WHICH his parents dont.

yeahh and so he come to success by being a professional violinist and that girl is like, prepared to be his bride??????

i mean she doesnt mind anymore but like

WAIT ME????? I DONT WANT TO BE A BRIDE IN LINE idk idk

well jameson did something about it and her parents let her do her own things BUT YOU ARE STILL MARRYING JAMESON

she like yeah yeah and go venture on her own idk making a shop or working in the government.

this sounds like a kingdom lovestory BUT IT IS NOT o have found the answer

she is working as *drumroll queue* administration for the voorhees company. (is that right i feel like voorhees is a company there)

nothing bad happened dont worry

instead of being invested in music, she instead pursue the career of science because she sees the struggle jameson went through.

and shes not having any of that

jameson in the other hand is oh wow you learn this kind of things??

ok then after she went, this girl barely contacted anyone from his family

even jameson. oh EVEN JAMESON. she didnt even bother to send him regards or something. jameson too dont give a shit.

they occasionally meet each other at parties but like simple his and leaves

until jameson parent died. both of them. in the same time. in a weird but also not really.

then the girl hears about this and attends the funeral.

in which she meets jameson again, and he is not crying. at all.

he did cried on her so

long story short they bond with each other again and get married.

and this is where shits got fucked up (eventually) .

yeah so their interest is not really.. compatible for each other.

and both of them changed through out the years they have been seperated

and jameson is real different. especially after his parents death.

he become more secretive than ever. more aware of anything.

on one side its a good thing that he almost never let any inconvenience go unnoticed but there are a lot of things that goes noticed that shouldnt??

but its still the same jameson. the one boy who was so in love with music that its the sole reason he keeps up with the strict schedule of him.

even the girl is sorta changed?

they often broke into an argument over basically anything. misplaced stuff? jameson angry. opening some specific windows in the girl's room? shes pissed as hell. fortunately the mansion is big enough to contain their yelling.

whats unfortunate though is that of the same reason. nobody can hear the screaming.

years passed and theres about no news from these two since the beginning of chaos.

jameson keeps gatting more fame and his 'wife' is now forgotten.

everytime they asked about her he just simply say that shes fine and other sorts. it almost sounded like she is living a happy life as a wife.

oh and also

jameson is VERY manipulative. he can talk himself out of a situation. he can (practically) rizz someone up for his own.

this is caused by his parents. he lies a lot without ever getting caught. his technically mastered the art of bullshit his way through since his parents dislikes a slacking son.

anyways if this were a game, jameson would be those of 'and then there were none' kind of shit.

the back of his mansion is a river near a forest that many people use to slip away from G4

its not that he kidnap them or whatever but he VERY mind the noises.

he prefers people to stay away from his place. the noises makes his 'wife' disturbed. or so he said.

some survived.

has a friend that is a con artist who works in either voorhees company or myers company. probably a friend of his wife.

poor guy doesnt have anyone. oh sorry. his wife.

#dinoverse #dinoverse oc #WHAT MORE #help #comic #lazy comic #art

[ilexdiapason]

I love the drabbles you wrote, they are amazing and making my brain go brrrr

Thinking about how worried and confused Acho will be when Sausage finally returns to town (he has to leave them in that cave eventually for he do need actual human food) and neither Scott or Martyn is with him. thinking of how he lies to keep his two precious mers safe (the lies won't stop Acho tho)

AND thinking about much more coaxing Martyn becomes with getting Scott into the water, but it would almost be easier to make a mule drink water. and beside, he's still too slow

and thinking abt how Sausage def have dragged Martyn to bed for some cuddling and such without Scott, especially when Scott has been busy questing (sausage likes martyn so he def makes a point with taking martyn on dates too)

(also, I remember you saying that Martyn claimed to be a stone, but I've only briefly read that term once. care to explain in, I do have a guess what it is but just want clarification saldkjbasjkd)

1) first of all. my friend those are not drabbles

those are whole ass ficlets or indeed oneshots depending on ur cutoff

2) god yeah sausage tries to sneak back in to grab the boys some lunch or something and acho is like hey. hey man. hey where you been. you seen scott? you seen martyn? you know where they are? and sausage is just like ehehehe nnnnooooo? and acho is nawt convinced

3) yeah now that scott's found out what it's like to change (and his first lesson, to change back) hes like god this explains everything. but theres a new kind of fear to it, fear of changing rather than fear of dying, so even when its easier its still difficult to get him to adjust and practice

4) mythicalwood. to me. theyre so good. sausage just wants to show martyn a good time and martyns like ^_^ ummmmm. yeag <- he has goals of which sausage is as yet unaware

5) stone i have stolen from the concept of the stone butch which is not only a style of dress but also the practise of only giving, not receiving, in bed - basically martyn tries to excuse why he won't take his shirt off (and show his gills) by being like no no i just wanna focus on you! and hoping they don't question it

#underwater au

[cosmicallyavg]

the master saying “if i cant be the doctor, neither can you” is so raw because he literally tried to become the doctor before, as missy, through actions - being “good”, saving people, etc etc. ultimately the past caught up to her and she regressed back into her old ways (but in the end, she did help the doctor, the doctor doesnt know that). 

then the master found out about the timeless child, realized that his devotion to the time lord empire has all been for nothing, because it was built on lies, built on the pain and suffering of the doctor. that a piece of the doctor is in him and he wouldnt be who he is without the doctor, which in a way has always been true, but never as true as it is now.

revealing all of this to the doctor should break her down to his level, right? telling her all about the lives she never knew and everything that was done to her/the child would ruin her own perception of who she is, because there are so many memories lost. to him, the doctor is the doctor because of everything she has done, the past defines who the doctor is. with so much of her past hidden, how can she continue to be who she’s built herself up to be?

but he’s wrong. the doctor isnt the doctor solely due to the memories. the doctor is the doctor because she helps people, does good where good can be done. even if her definition of “good” isnt absolute, the point is that she tries. 

he thinks he has brought her down to his level when theyre in the matrix, and shes threatening him with the death particle. he wants her to pull the trigger, wants her to kill them both. its what hes always wanted, isnt it? their deaths together. “become death, become me” 

but she cant. she cant bring herself down to that level. in a way, maybe he has broken her, trying to get her to make that decision, you can see the way she almost pulls the trigger, up until he says those four words. its then that the doctor realizes it would give him what he wants, the ultimate destruction of who the doctor is at her own hand. its then that she falters. 

the master then takes it upon himself to destroy the doctor at the very root of it all. he brings some of her old companions back, tries to pit them against her, he wants to become her in the most literal but also metaphorical sense in order to ruin everything she has ever stood for, to ruin her reputation. because if a piece of her has been in him since the beginning, he can never get rid of her in a physical sense. her death wouldnt erase him of her completely.

he takes her identity, becomes her. he plays into the role of the doctor the best he can, wants to have a companion, wants to travel the stars and get into mischief under the guise of the doctor. he doesnt have to worry about trying to become good for the doctor’s sake, he can continue on has he has done and there will be no doctor trying to stop him. 

her friends come together to undo what hes done. the universe needs the doctor. the doctor is the doctor because of the friends shes made along the way . the doctor is the doctor because of love. and the master doesnt have that, cannot have that. “dont let me go back to being me” the master loathes who hes become, after everything he had built his identity around was destroyed, he had nothing to fall back on other than his hatred for the doctor, his jealousy of the doctor. 

if the doctor couldnt become him, maybe he could become her - he doesnt want to be the master anymore. so then if he couldnt become the doctor, then she shouldnt be the doctor either. it ultimately comes down to him wanting the destruction of the both of them and going trough any means to make it happen. in the end, this time, it did happen. for them, its a neverending cycle of death and betrayal and their friendship and their love for each other but also the hatred, the animosity, they always find their way back to each other. but perhaps not this time.

because the means he went through to make it happen, i doubt the doctor is ever going to forgive him.

#this got way longer than i planned #i have a whole other thing in my drafts about the doctor not forgiving the master after tpotd #maybe ill finish that up soon #but yeah i just #kjshkjfshhld #them #doctor who #thoschei #dw meta #the power of the doctor

[depressedhatakekakashi]

long ask and kinda random but- wouldn't it be so funny if two characters are shown throughout a story, not together just yet but it is confirmed they know each other. They talk about each other constantly, and you wouldn't notice it at first glance but man its there once you notice it.

Character A is the type that is very friendly and casual, suddenly becomes polite, maybe even a bit too polite and almost distant talking about them (in a way thats obviously them restraining themselves) to the point u can't quite tell if they do genuinely care but they do know a lot about the other. Meanwhile, Character B has been cursed with a resting bitch face and makes talking about anyone sound like theyre insulting them. Their very short way of speech does not help especially out of context and without proper explanation (think; "I would chain them down to a chair if i could." But they meant that as in out of worry since A is so fucking reckless. Its maddening.) Anyways, other people think A is suddenly polite (out of apprehension?? being wary?? noone knows) but otherwise willing to talk about them (B) nicely. While people think B whose normally calm and relaxed, is always very pissed at A (yes and also no.)

The first time their on screen together basically amounts to a huge explosion on both ends with Character A nervous and unsure how to introduce them but reluctantly settles with simply. "Oh. their a good friend of mine." but B who is normally pretty quiet, just. absolutely goes off. "friend?? FRIEND??? We did not go through the shit we did, and survived together for the shit we went through for you to just call me a good friend."

listen its till death do us part in this household, i am your comrade in arms, your ride or die when you plan on overthrowing the government. I may only know maybe 2/5 of your hobbies but i know what you look like in near terror at the thought of ur loved ones being threatened and rising up in the flames of fury to protect them, and then a sobbing mess when you finally break down. Friend is fine but also man you could do to hype me up more over here-

I just need two emotionally contipated besties on opposite sides of the spectrum is that so much to ask- (also loudmouth and friendly but distant x quiet and stern but also ball of emotion ready to explode, is 💞)

Oh, this is a dynamic i’d actually love to see more of. The ‘are they friends or do they hate each other? I’m getting mixed signals here’ but then you see them in a room together and realize ‘oh, ‘friends’ doesn’t even BEGIN to describe what they two are’

No one has a definitive answer

They’ll kill for each other but also be the first to stop each other from killing

They’ll bite anyone who insults the other, but character B always seems ready to insult character A at a moment’s notice yet never does.

These two are thicker than theives. They’re the best of friends yet so much more. The very concept of their bond is too difficult for any mere moral to understand. Even the gods don’t understand what the heck is going on with these two.

I can think of a few pairings that sort of match this but also, this is so very specific and perfect i wouldn’t want to try and assign it to any character because it’s just…

Easily the best pairing ever. Thank you anon your brain is SO BIG.

#i love when we talk about types of characters #like we have so many #i think this fits SasuNaru best tbh #because they’re both emotionally constepated in the worst ways for their personalities #but at the same time these two arn’t afraid to tell people how much they mean to each other #so maybe not a perfect fit to this exact idea #Maybe Matt and Tai from Digimon would be a better fit

[menalez]

Ajfjsjakjdfjs there is a lot about lesbian culture in other countries I did not know about!! Like o_o why with thr nudes thing sjdjskdjsjd

I see though i think that makes sense. I feel like theres always that dumb idea of masculine feminine balance 😭 even though i myself am femme4butch i still dontt liek the whole oooaaga divine balaaance. Also its weird bc I think in USA, while there is that idea of course, there's also the 'lipstick' lesbians or 'fem4fem' stereotype or at least, what straight people think of the Good type of lesbians if it makes sense. Like what we see on tv... Its more appealing to them anyway

I mean my ex(😭 it hurts to say my god) gfs mom was actually a bit confused on whether she (ex) was trans like her brother (ftm) or just masculine, Bc i guess her idea of lesbians was the Lipstick kind.? but then also shes not usa american but latin American. Also she was very supportive and sweet just straight and confused with things gjdks

Still i think we have that too or single feminine lesbians get told how its good theyre not the ugly kind if people find out. I think gay men also have similar expectations put on them like ive read about families being more accepting if their son was the "top" or more manly seeming one in his relationship

Also me too 😭 its sooo weird like to have been pressured since being born+!!! And even my teachers would say omg stop flirtingg with boy classmate. ☹️ (crazy bc a teacher thatt taught us Gender Spectrum actualy said that to me bc i was telling this one boy off or something.. ookay.) And then my mom bringing up babies or grandchildren and then in the next moment telling me sex is evil and i should stay away from boys okay ma'am!!!

But jdjd glad that its not just me. Idk i keep feeling worried, but then I feel like im being stuck up and thinking im the only one in the world whos smart and sane so ill never find anyone. Like relax you are not the chosen one (@ myself of course)

Yeah i hope my family will be accepting andd not kill me fjsksjs and I hopee. I can find love and peace.... but thank you for listening! really I appreciate it bc sometimes it just feels like drowning in loneliness and i cant be myself even among friends andd etc. So. Ur very sweet 😭 mwah mwah thanks again mena

literally i could not tell u why she was showing me her nudes. im guessing it’s bc she wanted to show me that she gained weight and show her body before 😭😭 i felt like she was low-key flirting ngl lmaooo but she kept talking about her gf and that’s often a red flag for me sooo nothing happened there. i told her she shouldn’t sit around waiting for the day when her gf inevitably leaves her for a man n that’s not healthy etc. she’s also extremely self-hating in general and said a doctor told her that her lesbianism & masculinity are bc she doesn’t have enough estrogen in her body / has too much testosterone and that she should be on hormones to be fixed, which she fully believed.

im not keen on femme4femme lool from my experience most of them are weirdly anti-butches and hold misogynistic & lesbophobic beliefs! and i do think ur right that’s the more acceptable combo in the west (two gender conforming conventionally attractive women dating). i also hate the stupid idea that bc im not masculine im meant to be dating a woman who is bc it’ll “balance” us both. they also said when im with more androgynous or feminine women, i become more masculine which is “unnatural” or sth 🫥. also my mom is most in support of me dating women that can pass for men, i feel like she thinks if i won’t be w a man then the thing that’s best is me dating a woman who can be mistaken for a man. i think it’s mostly bc she wants to be socially accepted but it can be exhausting

ALSO the top thing is a whole ass thing in the gulf. there’s many bi & straight men who will literally get away with having gay sex bc they exclusively top 💀 a lot of those tests they use to check if ur gay (so they’ll jail u for it) are specifically testing if ur a bottom. it’s a weird weird phenomenon. and it’s especially weird that there’s this weird culture of even straight men seeking out men bc the society is very sex segregated. im sure some of those men aren’t actually straight but it’s such a prominent thing the way it is in prisons in the US that im sure many of them are. craziest part is this culture is most prominent in saudi of all places

omg when i was little i had mainly male friends bc idk girls thought i was a weirdo that stared too much at them or sth. and i was v close to my male friends, we’d hold hands n all but i think we both thought nothing of it. and my mom would be like “omg soooo cute my daughter has a boyfriend omg 🤗 she looooves the boys omg and they love her!!!” meanwhile im 5 years old and just thinking of it like holding my brother’s hand

manifesting u find ur dream gf soon and that coming out goes smoothly for u 🥺❤️ don’t hesitate to msg me whenever. i love hearing from other lesbians n it’s always heartwarming seeing younger lesbians accept themselves, i somewhat envy it (wish i were that brave & self-aware!!!) but it gives me a lot of hope for our future 🥰🥰🥰

[espressogal]

spent so much money on skin care and makeup and im going so crazy over not being as active last year but idk if im burnt out but im just not losing weight the way i used to and idc as much but i do but also im in my last two weeks of undergrad what the fuckity fuck and i wanna do well and im resigniing from all my jobs and i need to find a job but no ones getting back to me and its so exhausting and im so tired and so done and its so hard to make friends but i dont even want that many friends but i feeel like i neeed friends bc im 22 and time is running out i mean i know its not but it feels like it bc i guess im comparing myself to everyone and i dont have it figured out idek who i am how am i supposed to know what to do with life if feel the weight of the entire world on me my 20s was supposed to be fun and figuring myself out but why does it feel like hell why does just enjoying my time feel like torture maybe its bc im so focused on the idea of enjoying my time im not realizing that the times im supposed to enjoy my time im worrying about enjoying my time so im wasting my enjoyed time on stressing and its making me feel like im wastiig my time and why do i feel like this im only 22 but also how am i 22 i was only 18 yesterday and 16 the day before when did this all happen why am i closer to 30 than 13 why are my friends talking about getting engaged why is everyone moving out why cant i move out without the gut wrenching feeling of leaving my family behind i was supposed to get close to them by now but im now i have independence but i dont i wanna leave this city but ill leave a part of me behind like an unfinished chapter that i forcefully ended i need to finish this chapter and make amends with the past and unlearn my trauma responses and forgive myself but how am i supposed to do all that and also become the girl of my dreams and who even is the girl of my dreams she changes after meeting every new person that enters her life or when shes infatuated by a new character or influencer who makes their life seem like a fairytale but anyway theyre all bullshit anyway social media is fucking fake everyone wants to seem perfect and put together and happy and for what?? whatver man whatever makes you cope i mean if i looked perfect and was rich i guess id do it too and it would be nice to get paid for being fake perfect but who wants to be fake perfect anyway i cant imagine living my life and making money based on how other people perceive me i cant imagine what that would do to ones self esteem oh wait i already do that except i dont get paid huh funny isnt it anyway i have a headache and im so so so sleepy these days like my system is running on cbd maybe i shouldnt have bought a pack of 50 edibles but my antidepressants arent doing jack shit but making me feel horrible so its weed or its anxiety man i wish therapy was free where am i gunna go whwen i graduate i need a psychiatrist but theyre held up until next year i need it so just stop man oh wait i just got an email my sephora order is shipped im happy now

#diary entry #jthoughts