#try being in my head its exhausting

[jemmo]

my very long, incoherent, unedited, unnecessarily rambly throughts rewatching utsukushii kare s2 ep. read at your own expense 👍

I find hira’s beginning monologue so interesting, how he says saying I like you is hard to say out loud and yet he so easily says things that are way bigger than that and show so much more commitment and devotion, and he gives it away in his actions too. idk if it’s that he separates them in his head, like kiyoi being his king and kiyoi being someone he likes are two separate things of he thinks those things don’t give away his feelings, again maybe bc he doesn’t connect them. it’s just so interesting. god I wanna know how his brain operates.

also what he says about greed, being content to just watch from afar but people are greedy, and courage, ‘the sin of touching god, pretending that it’s courage’, god I love that line. the sin is his greed, that he thinks he disguises as having the courage to… confess I guess? like he wasn’t actually, in his mind, brave enough to say he likes kiyoi, instead he sees it as his greed winning over. he sees touching kiyoi, being with him, as something bad, sinful, something he doesn’t do, as it breaks his established king and servant dynamic. he shouldn’t have the right, and yet he wants it too much to listen to himself. that’s the whole hypocritical, paradoxical thing about it. he’s set the rules in his mind and he’s the one breaking them and telling himself it’s bad, when none of that is true, it’s all just cooked up in his head. the sin is the lie and the courage is the reality, he really was brave enough to show his feelings even just enough for them to register with kiyoi, that there’s real love there thats not religious devotion, and the bravery will keep coming as he chooses to let himself live in that reality instead of a world in his head that punishes himself.

I just love that kiyoi’s inherent love language is ‘ew you’re gross’, bc it’s so easy for hira to take it literally but also still love it and understand what it means. and I love that kiyoi only truly gets mad when he perceives hira to be unsure about something between them or regret it or want to take it back. like when he says ‘I was too persistent’, that’s what angers kiyoi, the self doubt, bc what they did isn’t something kiyoi views badly at all. it only makes him mad when he things hira views it that way. you can even see the difference between that fake and real anger, when hira calls him cute and he goes back to calling him gross, which we know is a sign of affection, kiyoi just gets too blushy to compute and has to bail before his feelings get out. also, you can see there’s no real fear, that it’s all more playful, bc when kiyoi threatens, hira doesn’t cower, he loves it more, and isn’t afraid to say that, no matter what kiyoi has threatened to do. he can’t help it, he just finds the threat of murder too cute when it comes from early morning, sweater paws kiyoi

the fact hira says ‘every day wanes and waxes’ only to at the end talk about how he feels stuck on that 14th stage of the waxing moon. again, it’s contradictory. he knows time passes, he knows that phase will end, but he doesn’t see that kiyoi. maybe he finds comfort in being stuck in his familiar place, the role he set for himself, maybe he can’t imagine making progress, having a reality where he is with kiyoi, for real. but the moon is already full, he just needs to step into reality and not be stuck in that picture.

also I love that the people in his photography club don’t give him a chance to explain it’s not the full moon and just talk over him, but kiyoi gives him the space to speak and explain himself. it shows kiyoi’s understanding of him, and hira’s comfort to be more confident and let himself speak. and there’s something nice about how everyone else is just gonna see a full moon, but hira and kiyoi will see that piece missing, that bit of imperfection. I think that’s quite a nice analogy for their relationship.

love that they say hira was teasing them and koyama just looks like ‘??? hira??? yeah, sure jan’

huh?? im watching this on Viki whereas I watched it previously on gagaoolala and the subtitles here are different. the meaning hasn’t been too off so far, but here it changes the meaning completely. on gagaoolala it says kiyoi was supportive of hira staying in the club, but on viki it says hira wanted to support kiyoi so he stayed. does anyone with some kind of grasp of Japanese know which one of these is right?????

apart from viki subtitles being weird (super calm instead of super cool???) I absolutely love this line, where kiyoi says how much he wants to try and be better and improve and he’s called cool for it. as someone who always had to hide that ambition and desire in him, to see him not only pursue his dreams but also be told that makes him so cool, i fucking love that. at school, it’s cool to mess about and not care, but actually caring is the coolest thing you can do

I. fucking. LOVE. possessive and protective kiyoi. it’s just one of my weaknesses, the whole i can shit on him as much as I want but if anyone else says a word against him there will be blood. it’s just. agh it’s so good. hira is someone who no one ever cared about or stood up for, and yet here’s this big, cool, popular, hot guy that sees red whenever someone says anything slightly bad against him. I just think it would send hira insane if he knew just how possessive kiyoi can be.

again there’s something so contradictory about how hira obsesses over kiyoi on screen and is not shy about it, he doesn’t try to hide what he was doing or anything, and yet he still remains so careful around kiyoi. as he said, he’s happy to watch at a distance, and it’s like he almost doesn’t realise what his reality is. he has kiyoi right there, he can see him, speak to him, touch him whenever he wants and yet he not only consumes him at a distance but actively maintains the gap. it’s like he just doesn’t get the truth that is right there. kiyoi is his, he doesn’t need to keep this separation up, yet somehow he does, either consciously or unconsciously, it’s his brain written rules that he needs to get over.

this bit!!!!! when kiyoi wants to be fed and hira just holds up the plate and gives him chopsticks. you can tell that kiyoi wants hira to feed him, it’s cute and romantic, and funnily enough it’s an act of service which fits in with hira’s perceived role, and yet he still doesn’t see himself worthy of doing so, as if touching the food his king will eat is something so impossible he doesn’t even consider it.

behind it all, this is just kiyoi dressing his boyfriend up to look cute and hot and model clothes for him and I love that.

also I love this small moment where kiyoi goes to put the hat on him, the kind of hat hira wears when he’s in his stalker mode with the glasses, the height of his subservience, and instead takes it off and pushes his hair back. it’s like he’s saying you don’t need to be that, you can be you, and let everyone see that. it’s so small and subtle but the meaning of it, that he wants hira to have the confidence to be himself, to let that out and show it off, that he thinks he’s cool and hot and amazing and wants to show him off. agh. I just can’t.

and the way he says nothing could ever bring me this much happiness, but all it also brings me fear (I think the gagaoolala subtitles were ‘all I remember is fear’ which I like more), it shows that this should make him happy, the happiest he’s ever been, having kiyoi this close, like this. so why does it terrify him? hira’s fear running throughout this ep is kiyoi leaving him, breaking up with easily him at the drop of a hat, so it’s as if, by being this close to him, that fear consumes him, is all he can think of. but I think that fear is only there bc of how he views their relationship, still stuck in their king and servant roles. he knows he shouldn’t be doing this, that this should be impossible, almost that he’s lucky and should be grateful for this but not expect it to last, bc he should never be allowed near the king for long, it’s not right. again, his brain is saying one day he’ll wake up and see you for what you are, below him, and leave you. but hira, and only hira, puts himself in that place. the truth is what hira really is is human, on kiyoi’s level. and what’s more, kiyoi is the one that we see later doesn’t want hira to leave him. he has this fear too, but for him it’s a fear of loneliness. it’s so interesting that their fear comes from these two different places but manifests the same. hira thinks kiyoi is always on the edge of leaving him, but kiyoi begs not to be left alone. they’re both terrified of it ending, when neither one of them ever would.

kiyoi’s face at 12:12 exactly. the disgust. the anger. the ‘how dare you’ of it all. and then he gets hira to feed him (still not physically touching his food) just to flex, to show ownership. man, that’s my shit.

I also find it interesting that hira is so afraid of an end, even death, that is so far away, and so unlikely in the moment, that it consumes him to the point that he can’t actually live and enjoy the moment, the fact he has kiyoi. again, he’s right there but, despite all his devotion, it’s like he doesn’t actually see kiyoi, and I can see how that would get to and annoy and hurt kiyoi the most. and he even says it. ‘Don’t live in your own world. We’re hanging out in this one’

also that he says a world without kiyoi is like death but after high school, when they didn’t see each other, he did not in fact die. but I can’t expect hira to be logical at all.

this is the bit that underpins how they are so good for each other. kiyoi wanting to support hira, not for support sake but because it’s true. that doesn’t reach hira, he thinks it’s just kindness and charity, that it’s not sincere. but kiyoi is sincere, and continues to be, but when it goes over that point, when kiyoi gets close to saying he thinks hira is handsome, and that he likes that, and hira starts to see that for what it is and not just comfort, that’s when kiyoi bails. he can’t face being that honest, but the honestly is what hira needs. they need each other. it’s right there.

and it’s there in that line too. when kiyoi calls him cool, but hira doesn’t believe him. kiyoi asks if hira thinks he’s lying, which of course his answer is no. his king would never lie, that’s bad and he’s not a bad person, he could never be. which means hira’s only feasible option is to believe him, but that goes against everything he thinks of himself, and that’s where it all starts to crumble. hira can’t love and adore kiyoi and think he’s a bad person, so when kiyoi says good things about him, he has no option but to believe them, but to believe them means he’s not the person or role he’s set for himself, so the king and servant think falls apart and hira has to face that he’s a human being equal to everyone else. that’s where the whole thing collapses, and that’s why no one else can do that for hira but kiyoi.

the same thing happens! kiyoi being flirty and suggestive only for hira to unknowingly shut it down which makes kiyoi upset. and I love this bit about him not being desperate anymore, bc hira really is so wrapped up in his head thinking kiyoi will abandon him at a moments notice to realise the real reason kiyoi is mad is bc he thinks hira doesn’t like him as much anymore, isn’t desperate, he’s grown accustomed and bored, which is so the opposite. if anything, kiyoi here accidentally fosters that godly worship, like you used to fall at my feet before and do whatever I wanted, what’s changed? And hira easily reassures that’s nothings changed, that he’s exactly that, which keeps them stuck. but the thing is kiyoi almost needs that devotion, needs hira to sacrifice himself to him for him to break down his walls. Kiyoi is the only reason hira can bring himself out of his comfort zone, so he’s simultaneously keeping hira locked in his head but pushing him into the world. it’s interesting, and I can’t wait to see how it turns out, and which one wins over the other

‘I gotta do my best’. I screamed. Again, it’s the crux of why they’re good for each other. Beneath all the panic and anxiety hira is feeling, what pushes him through is I’ve gotta do my best. Why? For kiyoi of course. He has to do his best so kiyoi doesn’t look bad, bc kiyoi brought him here so he doesn’t want to disappoint him. As I said, it’s his devotion to kiyoi that gives him the courage to go out of his comfort zone.

What’s great about this scene is how they characterise this woman and what she says, how she comes onto hira. It’s almost like she voices all the worries hira would have in a social situation like this, ‘you made them mad, they don’t like you, you were rude’. And then she tries to pretend she understands, that that’s what makes them similar. But it’s not true, no one thinks that, and Hira isn’t like that at all. she comes onto him with falsity, which is a great parallel for Kiyoi, who does understand, who gets him, and knows him. She voices everything Hira would think about himself while Kiyoi is the one encouraging him, complimenting him, trying to make him think better of himself. The way he does it is more hostile to the naked eye, but the intention, the meaning is anything put.

Hira is right. Kiyoi is about to murder someone. It’s just not him.

Also again it’s classic nonsensical hira to see Kiyoi get jealous and possessive and think oh god he’s gonna leave me.

 I’m sorry, I just love pouty Kiyoi stamping through the house with Hira rushing after him. He’s a baby. I love him.

And then when they talk about it, Hira believes that woman, bc of course he would, bc it’s what he believes of himself. And to see Kiyoi, that is so mad with his possessiveness, and mad that Hira doesn’t get it, still try to correct him, even reassure him that he is wrong, he wasn’t out of place. It’s like he’s doubly mad that the woman came onto him and that she made him think like that, or even triply mad that Hira believed her and cared what she thought. She shouldn’t matter, he matters, how he feels seeing a woman coming onto hira matters, but hira doesn’t think about that bc he doesn’t see himself as important, let alone someone that could affect kiyoi’s feelings that much. I can see why it’s maddening for Kiyoi, to care and want to get mad while hira just doesn’t get it, knowing it’s bc he thinks so little of himself. how can you be mad when it’s not someone’s fault they lack self worth? agh it all just stacks on top of each other and I can’t wait to see them unravel it all.

And I kinda love that it’s not even possible for Hira to think of himself as someone that can flirt, or someone that can even be come on to. It’s like Kiyoi wants Hira to be himself and be confident, so he dresses him up to make him look cool, then he gets flirted with and he instantly regrets it. He simultaneously wants to show him off but keep him to himself, which is fantastic bc Hira just sees himself as a burden or a stain on the kings image. It’s impossible for kiyoi to think of him like that but he does and he just has to figure out how to compute that.

This. MOMENT. Kiyoi just saying ‘I went a bit far yesterday’. Like… idk that just really gets to me. Bc I so see where he’s coming from, I see how he can be frustrated with Hira, and he has every right to feel what he feels, he can be jealous and possessive, that happens in relationships. yes, it’s classic Kiyoi, so of course everything is more dramatic, but the fact he has the heart, the guilt, the maturity to admit that he went too far, I just love him for that. His patience with Hira is something I so appreciate, bc it comes from a place of such love and care. Hira is someone hard to be patient with. He has a lot to overcome, especially in terms of how he views their relationship. Kiyoi does too, but the fact he says this shows he’s consciously taking steps to be better. His feelings can be a lot sometimes and they don’t always manifest well, but recognizing that is such progress for him, and it’s the first sign of real maturity in their relationship. It’s what makes me love them and this show. The mess, the dramatics, all of it, it’s not for show, it’s not to heighten, instead it has this basis that grounds it of two people struggling and learning to express their feelings, and at least one of them now acknowledges that struggle. And I’m so proud of Kiyoi for that.

And when he says ‘I get weird when it’s about you’. Yeah. That’s kiyoi language for ‘I care about you’. Plain and simple. Bc what’s evident is that nothing can send Kiyoi into madness like Hira can, Hira himself or anything concerning or to do with Hira. And it’s bc he cares. It’s bc he loves him. It’s the old ‘ppl act crazy when they’re in love’, i just think Kiyoi is still getting to grips with just how huge and deep his feelings for Hira are.

Oh, and another thought about the moon thing. Maybe it’s not about what’s missing, maybe it’s about Hira feeling like he’s always on the edge of something complete, like just before a full moon. But he stays connected to screens and pictures and cameras and still images, when in fact life is moving around him, and the moon is already full.

Or as Hira says ‘I love him so much, it’s never enough’. Maybe that’s the basis of his construction of Kiyoi comes from, someone so deserving of love that he can’t possibly give it all himself, he’s not capable of giving him all the love he deserves, it’s too much. But again, just like how he’s stuck in the image, in the real world, his love is enough, it’s more than enough, it’s all Kiyoi needs. Just him, the full moon.

And we see that Kiyoi is getting through. Hira says ‘you’re teaching me things about myself I never knew’. Hira really is finding himself. And with any discovery, you kinda have to go on the long, messy journey before you get there. I just love that this scene acknowledges that within that mess, there’s progress being made.

And right there at the end. Kiyoi’s fear of being alone. But the thing is it’s not about Hira being a lifeline or that single person. Kiyoi has always been surrounded by people that gravitate towards him, he’s naturally popular, yet he’s always still felt lonely. But what makes him act weird, what’s foreign and new for him, is that with Hira, he’s not lonely anymore. He’s never cared about who was or wasn’t there, but he cares when it’s Hira. He needs him, specifically, to be by his side. The one that, somehow, for some reason, quenches the loneliness. Where everyone else gives him unfounded, excessive love and praise, it’s not that he cares about, it’s love from Hira he wants. And he wants it less almost, doesn’t want that unfounded devotion, he wants real love, not another fan or blind follower, but a friend, a partner, a lover.

#made by jemmo #yes this really is everything going through my head while watching a less than 30 minute episode of a show #try being in my head its exhausting #but i just needed to get it all out otherwise id go mad #i just love this show so much #i dont know how else to say it to convey just how much #it has my mind my heart my soul #it makes me insane #utsukushii kare #utsukushii kare 2 #my beautiful man #my beautiful man 2

[angellurgy]

:]

#AAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKFUCKFUCK #CONDTANT UNENDING SILENT SCREAMING #NO WORDS BUT FORCED TO UNDERSTAND STILL UNESCAPABLE I CANT I CANT I CANT #ill never be anything ill never be anything ill never be anything at all to any of you #too fucking tired to go out of the house for so long no way to stop being tired its all wearing down on me like a fucking curse. too much #CANT CANT CANT take 10 more days of this waiting itll just go back to normal after #TRIED TO LIVE BUT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THERE EVEN FOR ME NO LOVE NO CARE NO IMPORTANCE NO PLACE #FADING MEMORY REMNANTS OF MY SOUL DRIPPING OUT OF MY HEAD LIKE A GUTTER. NO ONE WILL REMEMBER. EVEN I CANT. #AAAAAAAAAAA rotrotrotrotrotrotrotrotrot wish i just had a fucking dad to hold me wish i had a brother to show me the loving care noone will #please. llease. please. nothing left nothing left everyone wants me less with every single post but icant stop #cooped up inside. tumblrs knly good when you have a life outside of it. i cant fight it tho bc of this fucking EXHAUSTION #caused by the emotional pain and exclusion. eternal loop. let me.out #NOT LIKE IT MATTERS TO ANYONE BUT THE FEW WHO CANT HELP. THE FEW WHO CANT MAKE MY SITUATION BETTER. I JUST WANT A GROUP. #I KNOW COMMUNITY ISNT REAL BUT I FUCKING WANT SOMETHING. PLEASE #LET ME OUT. GIVE ME LIFE. INSTEAD OF THIS CONSTANT FUCKING VOID GROWING BLACK MOLD ON THE CREVICES OF MY SKULL #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa nothing is giving me life right now i want sometbing i cant create anything i dont wanna die but i have no choice #FIGHT THROUGH THE TIREDNESS WALK INTO THE FOREST IN THE NIGHT AND ROT. #SLIT MY WRISTS EVEN THOUGH IT WONT DO SHIT. LAY ON A BLANKET AND LET THE COLD TAKE ME #WOULDNT BE THE FIRST TIME IVE BEEN CLOSE TO IT. LEAST I CAN GO ALL THE WAY. GOD WHY DO I TRY. I WANT TO TRY. I HAVE NOTHING TO TRY FOR. #NO OTHER CHOICE.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭 #so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-] #unrelated

[studiousbotanist]

#does a bear blog in the woods #just phantom period stuff fuckingbw my brain chem i think is whats going on this week ! #i knew the new tfb would rip emotions outta me but im messed uppppp . #ive been single the longest ive been in a Long Time now ... #theres good and bad . theres so much cooking in my head from these few months #dealint with grief . bad job . good job now #and still working on getting my life and health togethwr #and im really trying to craft and make shit again . its So necessary for your soul and ive been neglecting #tabletop has helped so much and roleplay will too qhen i get into it #in the mean time though . im LONELY !! im in a mood where being by myself is Torrrtureeee . butnive also been overstimmed ! #i was very somber earlier cuz i jusf did Not have rhe energy to be up and do shit ..wjich is why i called out #but was just thinking the thing i miss most abt a relationship is always having some1 to hang out w or be around #especially physical side cause i am very physically affectionate !!! and tryin to get back to it . #its been hard cus of well ...trauma and also the pandemic . overthinking . itd help if i cried i think #i coulsve put this all ina read more ..too late now LOL ! #i just want to word vomit . been stuck in a bad nasty rude to myself feedback loop abt NOT venting and NEEDING to reach out directly #but good gd its difficult when we are All exhausted . and when i judt Need the vocal speak vs typing #if u read all this mess thank you LOL . ill be okay . ive got to let myself feel this

[the-yearning-astronaut]

.

#that feeling when you have the overwhelming urge to cry #but you're staying at a friend's house #and her and her kid and her husband are all asleep #and you know you'll be up for another hour at least because fuckin insomnia doesn't give a shit how physically exhausted you are #and ofc its the Bad Hours so my brain is doing gremlin things #like making me feel self conscious and awkward and out of place #i KNOW im not! i know my friends love me!!! #but being amongst them and their families.... idk it just highlights how very very different my own life is #and i know thats not a problem either! #but like. they can relate to each other in ways I never will #the three of them are married and have kids and have their own homes #and it's just. idk. i feel so outta place. like a mismatched puzzle piece. and i hate that i feel like that but i do. #Fuck im gonna start crying & i really don't wanna do that again so im gonna go finish Artificial Condition (again) & try some crocheting #im so tired and my head still feels like shit from this afternoon #fml why cant i just be happy and enjoy myself #tbd #☉ #fox thoughts #(and you three idk how often you're on tumblr anymore but if you happen across this-- #IT'S NOT YOU. it's got nothing to do with anything youve said or done. you're all lovely and perfect -- my brain's just bad)

[umilily]

i really am the definition of wasted potential.

#lily talks #don't mind me I can't sleep #sorry for being gloomy on main #sometimes I think about how fucking great I could be at things without the anxiety and depression #because there are so many things I *could* do successfully if I just fucking managed to get out of bed consistently #or not be exhausted from the most fundamental things #But unfortunately I spend my days so desperate trying to *not think* that I procrastinate everything I could do #I don't know how I am supposed to handle anything on too of dealing with my own head #and anyone I meet is always so shocked when I fuck up the most basic things because unfortunately I've mastered *pretending* to be competen #I've got that shit down #Same with being the token optimistic person #I am very Fine (tm) always and if I'm not it's a conscious choice 99% of the time so that people think I'm normal #Because obviously no one is always doing well #But yeah it leads people to thinking I got everything under control and that I'm bound to do something fantastic with the brain the world #Has given me #Unfortunately it only spends its time getting into petty fights with itself and figuring out every type of self sabotage under the sun #... I don't know where i was going with this... #anyway #Sorry to anyone who ever had or still has expectations of me #I am committed to the failgirl lifestyle

[gothamcityneedsme]

ok tbh.  as i continue to have more Positive Pride Thoughts, as was my resolution for pride this year, i think i want to emphasize my birom status more, because personally...thats what really matters most to me?  i come out as bi to normies so i dont have to explain things, but being a birom ace is really just.  vital to my being, idk.  i usually say ‘im ace’ when talking about myself but thats just really not accurate. i am BIROM ACE.  that is what MATTERS to me.

#shitpost #again. i never talk about this stuff so posting is weird #but i PROMISED myself id start writing and trying to articulate some of this #and my tumblr diary really is the best place to do so lol #i love being in love and the first time i fell in love i was four years old and i remember it clearly lol #and of course ive fallen so many times since then too. its easy! its beautiful! i love being in love! #and thats important to me! its so important and i feel like i let it get washed away in the assumptions people usually make about aces #(and those are exhausting but i Promised i wouldnt talk about that stuff. i will NOT get negative this year!) #just. i am biromantic!!!!! being biromantic is important to me!! the MOST important even! #i knew i was birom when i was in elementary school! i have always spoken of my future partner in bi terms. #(tho as anyone around normies its easy to accidentally speak in a comphet kinda way so often it would be like. 'future husband...OR WIFE') #like i just would add it hastily in afterwards #because i really did! always know!!! even from a very young age i talked like that! #(i was fortunate to know a gay couple before i even knew what gay or queerness really meant. so it always felt normal to me.) #(i know that is not a lot of people's experiences) #but yeah. ok. im done. just trying to make a post about this stuff that has been swimming in my head #before pride month is up #im not against posting more in general but. i sortof really wanted tot ry to talk during pride #and afterwards ill go back to my usual self haha

[transbee]

having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.

#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el #i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any #dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe #like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it #idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about #literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own. #and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god #and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.) #but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems #or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like #get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days. #and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus #is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways. #idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess #i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives. #what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it #sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY ! #i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!! #and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!! #WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT #.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!! #.txt #and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that. #in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL #<3

[doodlboy]

I should really just stop giving a shit and stop trying to explain decent human behavior to my family

#ive been trying to explain the shit going on in palestine being a genocide to my mom and brother #and they continously called me stupid and said i was going against “gods country” 4 not supporting israel #and then “disproving” every piece of evidence i provide by saying “w-well Israel existed in the bible so!!!1!” #then i got preached at saying god loves everyone and this shit going on is in revelations and whatever the fuck #so yk I'm done #its like talking to a fucking brick wall #i tried telling them abt project 2025 and they said “lol thats just fear mongering its not gonna happen” #despite me telling them repeatedly that trans rights are being taken away everywhere #im tired #like completely emotionally exhausted #and with the day i had yesterday im just..done #my head hurts. #elliot rambles

[piplupod]

i hate that there isnt any way to work thru these feelings and i hate that theres no way for me to escape them properly and i am just supposed to survive all of this and sit with this terror and dread 24/7 and be fine !!!

#i do not have my last ditch coping mechanism tonight that I'd really loooove to have #I'll have it any other day mostly but just not today or tomorrow morning. argh. argh argh. argghhh #I should've just gotten high tonight idk i rly wish i could just be high constantly ngl fnfkdl #but that's exactly why i avoid it as much as i can bc i cannooooot get into self medicating w that when theres these genetics at play #family history of substance abuse and psychosis 👍 i hate being alive so much fhfkdl not going to lie rn #i am trying so hard to be normal all the time and not entirely lose my mind but goddamn this is truly not smth ppl should have to survive #other ppl have it much much worse i know and i am relatively lucky all things considered but jesus christ this is so much and im exhausted #i cannot just be screaming my head off constantly though so i am doing my best to be normal and fine and decent and appropriate #idk i just.... how do i get thru this when there is no end to it fjfkdl this is not Getting Through! its just Enduring! #im going to go have some semblance of food and then work on clay maybe and try not to lose my mind entirely #if i can keep myself from destroying a bunch of art tonight then i will consider tonight a success fhjfdkl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god. #and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄 #unrelated

[forbiddennhoney]

i might actually cry from how tired i am

#personal #i love my family and also the way they do not understand how my chronic fatigue literally drains me #and how when they keep trying to hang out on a weekly basis for weeks/months on end that pushes me away #cause i dont get to rest during the week like they do! #like yes we're all struggling under capitalism and also like babes!! i am poorer!!! #i literally spend 12 hours a day alone on work and work related things (ie: transiting to/from work #and prepping for the day/closing oht my day/etc) #and i dont WANT to spend this much time doing this but i cant drive and rely on transit so like #i literally cannot think past that sentence rn #im so exhausted my head feels thick like im gonna pass out any second #and i have to be at work for at least 30 more min before i can dip w/o too many issues #i have chills from being tired #i cant stop yawning #and i guarantee when i get home i wont be able to sleep bc my apartment sucks and doesnt have AC and its hot #also i have so many chores to do

[jonny-b-meowborn]

I need insane amounts of therapy

#i still can't stop crying #and also! got stuck at the door again checking if its locked #and to try to get myself away from them i hit ny head against the wall #im so exhausted #and now my sister and her bf saw me crying yippee i feel like shit #i feel like my mental issues are making their visit here worse #whatever is fucking wrong with me makes me unbearable to be around #i hate my stupid fucking brain i wish i could fucking take it out of my head and smash it against a wall #i hate being so useless and at the same time having to do everything #i hate that im nkt able to funcion properly #im tired and in a bad mood for a while and my brain gets stupid again #getting stuck checking the door. not being able to stop crying. hitting myself #i have no control over my own fucking mind and body and im so tired of that #bee buzz

[landofgay]

excited for another day of my one supervisor telling me I'm doing an amazing job and gushing over me vs my other supervisor and my "boss" who's not supposed to still be my boss persay or not in the way she was anyways, they fucking act like I'm scum for trying to get ahead by *glances at notes* helping my supervisors

#like im not trying to take anything from anyone!!! im just trying to help them out!!! #if my supervisor who has a stack of paperwork to fix infront of her now has another folder for an order that #she wasnt in the room for. the other person my 'boss' is exlusively training on paperwork also wasnt in the room for. and the supervisor who #WAS in the room is the one who just fucked up this paperwork for the order #then yeah im gonna offer to help her with this folder since i actually WAS in the room #in fact i got left in charge for the first 2.5 hours cause no supervisors were in the room at all!!!!! UGH #at that point i was the most experienced person in the room by far!!! and i know so much about this company #cause its like. a passion of mine. so i know a lot about the products we sell!!! like a LOT #more than my bosses cause i actually buy a shit ton of our product. so i know how many per product or what colour label or whatever tf #just off the top of my head!!!! #i also am very passionate about NOT SENDING OUT DAMAGED PRODUCT #meanwhile 'boss' says im being too picky #AM I??? CAUSE IVE BOUGHT TWO PRODUCTS NOW WITH MY OWN PAYCHEQUE THAT WERE DAMAGED #ugh christ. im just very tired from this week between all that and the intense drama from earlier this week #im ready to sleep in all weekend #except idiot me made plans for every day this weekend #tonight i hang out with my dad and my bf #tomorrow me and bf go to my coworkers for drinks and viddy games #and sunday we go out of town with bf's sister for drag brunch and thrifting #so itll all be fun i just KNOW im gonna wind up exhausted 😭😭😭 plus truthfully i just wanna show my bf more movies

[mayonakano-archive]

you never realize how much exhaustion impacts you until every little thing feels agonizing and everyone is putting pressure on you to do more

#leoposting #vent in tags #literally like... 99.9% of my family gets on my case for not working. they say me being tired 'isn't an excuse' #my mom sees it as me focusing on my studies and honestly? good enough. at least she doesn't push me to get a job #everyone else does. whines at me for choosing not to work and feeling incapable of it #who would hire someone who's dead on their feet half the time? who can barely keep awake after doing basically nothing all day? #i know i need to research colleges for application deadlines and study the overseas application process and write my essays and the such... #but i'm just... exhausted. i barely do anything yet every day i just get more and more tired #i can tell that there's something wrong. it's agonizing that nobody else sees it that way. #my doctor asked if i wanted to do a sleep study to see if there was something wrong. i had to say no because all i saw in my head #was the cost and the time taken out of my dad's day. he thinks pretty much everything to do with me is a waste of time... #it's a bit... frustrating? i guess. to know that i could've said yes. that i could've had a solution. #but the way i've been raised and conditioned lead to me knowing the only option was to brush it off. because its a waste of time #there's no victory condition here. regardless of what i do i end up suffering in one way or another #at least i can somewhat deal with being tired. and having what's likely diagnosed mental illness and potential neurodivergencies... #sigh. whatever. it's pointless to whine and cry anymore. i should at least try to do something productive...

[morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy]

Ignore this, I'm just having a hard time

#trying to find the will to live in a world that is being murdered is exhausting #like yeah why should i get out of bed when nuclear war waivers in the wind? #why should i got to work when the human race will be on its way out in twenty years? #why should i brush my teeth when my illness could kill me tomorrow? #why should i focus on getting better when that's never going to happen? #god i hate it here #i hate it so much #i try so hard to keep my head up i try so hard to keep moving and i try so hard to just enjoy what time i have but what's the fucking? #what does any of this matter? #why did i fight so hard to keep myself alive to continue to suffer? #it's like i have one really awesome day and everything after that just works to pull me back down to this empty black pit #i get out i feel the sun on my skin and all of a sudden the hole i escaped is three times the size and its under my feet again #i don't know what I'm supposed to do i don't know where I'm supposed to go i don't know how I'm supposed to just live like this #it seems like I've been this way my whole life and what point is enough enough? #I'm so tired and I'm so broken #all i have is the hope that another day will come where i can feel sunshine again #until then.... i don't know #how are we supposed to live like this?