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ernmark · 4 years

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Hi! I found your blog when I searched #anhedonia. Do you still experience emotional numbness? If not, how did you get over it?

If you’re going through this right now, I feel for you-- it sucks so much, but I promise it’ll pass.

It still happens to me, but not as often anymore, and not for as long of a duration.

There’s short-term stuff and long-term stuff, just based on what you can do and what’s available to you.

In the short term, it helps to remember that it’s not a permanent thing. Depression in particular is good at convincing you that the way you feel right now is going to last forever, but that’s not true-- it’ll pass. Also, feeling numb isn’t proof that you’re awful or evil or soulless or whatever (though, again, there may be days when it’ll try its hardest to convince you otherwise). It’s just a thing you’re dealing with, like a fever or a broken arm.

And like those things, a lot of times all you can really do is wait it out, and take care of yourself until you reach that place. Stay hydrated, eat regularly, make sure you’re getting your necessary vitamins, some sunlight, some exercise, some sleep. It won’t fix it, but it’ll help you along. All of those things get harder during an anhedonic period, because you’re not getting any of that chemical reward as motivation. It’s a chore, but it’s worthwhile.

Find the people you love and trust and talk to them about what you’re going through. They can’t solve or fix it, but it will make you feel less alone. And you may learn that they’ve experienced something similar.

I’ve had days when I’ve had friends come over and just sit in silence for hours, playing on our phones in the same room, because we needed to have company but one (or more) of us wasn’t feeling up to actually doing anything. And that helped.

There’s something to be said about the stupid overwhelming boredom of anhedonia-- nothing is actually fun. Everything gets over-objectified to the point that nothing makes sense. The entire positive half of the emotional spectrum went offline, so sometimes the closest you can get to feeling anything is being angry or sad, but even that can dissolve into gray static when you get deep enough into it.

Stimulation helps. Listening to a podcast to hear people talk, going for a walk or a drive so you can see the scenery change. I like spicy food during my anhedonic days because even though flavor doesn’t mean much to me at those times, the spiciness still registers, and that makes the food interesting and worth eating. I have thousands of hours logged on my depression video games, which are generally mindless and repetitive but they help me pass the time and focus on things that aren’t the mire in my head. I listen to podcasts, too-- during the bad times, I prefer the ones without actual plot, so I can space out for entire episodes without getting totally lost. Some people can read during an episode, but my reading comprehension falls apart to nothing.

And also: doing things in the physical world. Making something with your hands. Doing dishes. Doing laundry. Stuff that has a tangible effect on your environment-- because the anhedonia will tell you that nothing matters, and making a tangible change to your world is proof that it’s lying.

I’ve also got a depression tag on this blog, where I’ve talked about stuff I’ve dealt with. I don’t know if any of that information will be helpful to you, but it’s there if you need it.

And then there’s stuff you can do in the long term.

You can ask your primary care doctor about antidepressants and therapy (you can google therapists in your area, but that can be rough sometimes). I’m using both and I can’t overstate how important they are for keeping me out of the tar pit that is anhedonia, and getting me out of it faster when I do fall back in.

Hand in hand with therapy, there may be something in your environment that’s actively hurting your mental state-- a shitty boss, conflict with your friends and home life, etc. A good therapist can help you figure out ways to deal with those problems so they stop tearing you down as much. Friends and loved ones can also help with that kind of thing.

Also: turns out I’ve got a mutation on my MTHFR gene that keeps me from processing folate from my food-- and it turns out, folate is used to produce serotonin. It’s a common mutation, so if you feel like you might have some of that going on, my doctor recommended I take a methylated folic acid supplement, which is available over the counter. Taking it for a few days and seeing if it helps is a whole lot cheaper than getting a DNA test.

I hope that some of this-- any of this-- is helpful to you. I promise you, the place you’re at right now isn’t where you’re going to be forever.

#depression #anhedonia #karmaccoma

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autismisaokay · 4 years

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Hey! Does anyone have any advice on exercising? I need to lose weight for medical purposes

Yes, me.

I’ve recently started losing weight for a couple of reasons that are not our main focus. Our main focus is the advice I can give you from what I’ve learned so let’s get started.

Water is your new best friend all other best friend’s don’t compare. Water has so many great properties but it’s specifically good too if you want to lose weight. Drink as much of a it as you can and I don’t mean like 5 or 6 bottles in one day. I mean just keep a bottle of water by your bed side table, school, work where ever. An at least take one sip a day and work your way up. Above all take it with you when you exercise it’s going to keep you going and keep from being dehydrated which happens quicker when you exercise. Gatorade works too when it comes to exercise.

Walking. Walking is a nice calm way to lose weight but also maybe make a goal for yourself where you can only listen to your music or podcasts while going for your walk. After you go for your walk you can listen to both as much as you want.

Speaking of goals make them reasonable and only do what has to be done. A lot of the time when we work out we might start feeling better than we did before. That’s the point of exercise in general is keeping our bodies and minds healthy. So we start adding new goals on before we lost our target weight or start doing this way too early. Then we burnout and don’t go back to exercising. I’m assuming since you are asking an autism blog this is autism related too right. (Otherwise maybe you should talk to someone else who can better help you) Anyway when you are autistic and you have too many tasks burnout, meltdowns, and shutdowns are almost guaranteed to be on the way. Stick to your first goals and don’t make them lengthy and overly complicated. If you go back to the doctor and you aren’t loosing enough weight then new goals can be worked out.

If you go to a gym try exercising facing walls and keep your eye contact there. It really freaks people out seeing strangers work out and makes them feel self conscious at times regardless of being autistic or not. With being autistic tho there’s that extra layer of social anxiety which makes it worse and the fact that so many of us have trouble with coordination, fine motor skills, and movement in general.

Try occupational therapy.

Obstacle courses can be way more fun than just slandered gyms. See if there are an adult (or teen if you are a teen) obstacle courses you can do.

Video games for physical fitness.

Make exercise into stims.

Find exercises you can do from your bed if you stay in bed a lot like crunches.

My biggest suggestion to you would be try to find colleges around you that have classes or degrees for personal trainers. Especially ones that do it for people with disabilities. They can be so much cheaper and because they need the experience or credits they might do it for free. You don’t need to keep the person if you don’t want to or can’t afford to any longer. The main goal is for them to get to know you. You talk about possible your ideal weight, restrictions, sensory disorders if you have any and then go from their. They will build an exercise routine that works best for you. They also tend to work as nutritionist too and can help you with picking healthier foods and portioning. They are more about eating right then going on a diet.

If anyone has any other ideas for exercising for weight loss while autistic please let me know because this is a very helpful topic.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #autistic #weight loss #exercise

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anonymoustoddler · 4 years

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I Got Stoned And Started Typing To Post On FB (And Ended With Something That Could NEVER Get Posted)

Hah. I hit my vape pen a bunch and then this happened:

This afternoon, after taking way too many hits of my *state tested, clean and safe* vape pen, I was surfing hulu on my laptop while scrolling through facebook on my phone and playing Stardew Valley on the PS4 every few minutes in between and I suddenly, in fact altogether _casually_ thought to myself, “I wonder if I’d want kids and be able to take care of them if I made it to 38?”

And the thing is, that is literally the most positive organic thought I’ve had in my VERY busy, VERY chatty brain in almost two years. It is the first thought I have had regarding a potential future that wasn’t colored by the idea that My Mom Is Dead So Nothing I Could Do In Life Would Mean Anything Or Be Possible Because She Isn’t Here To Experience It Too Or To Help Me Through.

This stoned, distracted, completely mindless and unfocused random little insignificant thought... is the first time in over a year and a half of thinking, that did not immediately end with, “She’s Dead So You Can’t Ever Hope For That Anymore Because It Means Nothing Now That She Can’t Be There To Experience It Or Get To Be Proud Of Me For Once” and also, “Nothing Is Possible Without Her Because Without Her I’m Alone And Unable Forever Unless Someone Else Takes Over Helping Me But That Will Never Happen And I Will Never Be Ok Or Able On My Own.”

I mean, no wonder I’m doing so poorly and also dealing so badly with her death?! Being close was great in a lot of ways and awful in others. Our codependent enmeshment was deeply and traumatically unhealthy. Having to be your mother’s best and only friend at 8 years old is... really weird. And abnormal. But then, so is developing a diagnosable anxiety disorder and eating disorder at FOUR YEARS OLD is kind of abnormal too!

The thing is... some physical aspects of puberty for me started very early. VERY early. All aspects of puberty seemed to start earlier in me than a lot of girls in my class, in my grade. So maybe it makes sense too then that I would develop these psychological issues so early, particularly with the stress and fear of moving from Texas to Michigan and leaving the first friends I remember having, how terrified I was of change and meeting new people, trying to make new friends. I was so painfully and obviously shy. I was so afraid of people.

But anyway. No one caught the anxiety disorder until I did myself.... in college. I lived with a totally unchecked anxiety disorder and pretty high-but-not-yet-extreme depression from the ages of five and eleven/twelve respectively, and the first time I got ANY help was at the age of 19. No wonder I was sick for so long. The fucking eating disorder is suuuuch a perfect(ly horrifying) coping mechanism. And since it was my primary, and often only, coping mechanism for many many many years, as in almost ALL of the first two decades of my life. Two decades of drilling this into myself of How To Relieve Stress And Self Soothe = Disordered Behaviors And NOTHING ELSE.

Is it really any wonder why I’m like this??? I am dealing with the loss of my only family; my best friend by leaps and bounds and freakin lightyears; my entire and very giving safety net - so I could try something new or move away or whatever and I knew I was safe because if it didn’t work out or I tanked I could ALWAYS go home. Always.

I’m also dealing with the loss of... the person who never let me try things because she was a control freak so I could never learn from her; the person who taught me the

passive aggressive ➡️ passive aggressive ➡️ very aggressive

method of responding to interpersonal relations, which I mean... how could anything go wrong?! 🙃🙃🙃

I’m dealing with the loss of a relationship where my mom once, in all seriousness, asked me if I’d have a baby if I didn’t have to take care of it, she would take care of it for me.

Like, I know part of her was “joking” but... she wanted to be a grandmother. She wanted to see me have a career, a family, security.

But also who sort of benefited from my continued illness; my inability to cope or work; my low functionality, my constant need of help, support, and validation... they made her SO frustrated but also kept her busy and kept her from being alone, kept me with her but also sometimes was too much for her so it was upsetting, because surprise - crazy people gon turn up a notch higher than you can predict, and don’t ever forget that.

I am mourning this relationship that either fully shaped or strongly influenced almost every issue I have now. I don’t mean to shirk responsibility, just to be clear - I have to actually try as much as is literally possible to fix the things in me that are broken. I have to find a therapist and go to therapy. Trust my doctors, try a hundred different meds that might ALL make me horribly sick or even more crazy or both as side effects while still trying to build some kind of life. Maybe, eventually, find one, but also... get out of bed every day. Shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, GET OUT. Grab your coat boots keys purse and go outside. Make it into your car, drive it down a few blocks (depending on where you want coffee/are you reading a book or can you play HP there/etc), get coffee and sit and read or play a bit or work lines or whatever. Make your to do list there! Lay out a plan for the day. Schedule at least two work items then set a timed break for video games or whatever. When the alarm goes off, you MUST get back to work. Two to three more items earns a longer break to play OR taking care of any other immediate need stuff and then going out or something.

If you want to get some casual exercise, go to either mall. Walk around for Shopkick, the game, and to get your blood flowing at least a teensy bit while working out rarely used muscles and burning juuuuust a few calories.

You spend SO much goddamned money on delivery, when actually — Going out yourself is SO much better for you. It is obviously MUCH cheaper, but it’s also good to get out of the house even if only going to and from the car and into the store or restaurant or whatever, and it’s very VERY important to drive the car regularly, to keep the battery functional and the guts ok. ((Also RE: CARS — Next warm day, that Prius goes through an intense car wash. Need to get that shit out so it stops stinking, prob growing mold ugh ugh need fix!))

But I mean JUST THINK how much money you’d have left, maybe to even treat yourself to better things, and also if I stop ordering, I will 100% lose weight. So muck fucking weight lmao. And with a job, I’ve got two sources of income coming in! And hopefully still medicaid for as long as I can possibly have it 😭

This got REALLY away from my stoned assssss BUT. The original point is this:

I thought about myself as potentially being alive six years from now, which is very much not what I see lately but which, for once, didn’t automatically sound like a punishment, and I thought of myself six years older and wondering if I might be better enough to be an ok caregiver and also have a relationship that could sustain children coming in, and I was able to and did have one?? That’s SO bananas to me lol. It made me feel... weirdly hopeful though.

#stonerthoughts #soliloquy #depression #mentalillness #dead parents club #orphan #codependent relationships #dysfunctional family #suicidal ideation #ramblings

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nxjacbbnc-blog · 4 years

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greentea-studying · 5 years

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50 things I wish I knew as a high school freshman

I’m graduating high school today so I feel like I’m qualified to share this list now. Hope it helps some of you.

Everyone learns differently and needs to study at a different level. If your friends don't need to study for a class, it doesn't mean you don't have to.

Strive for effort, not results. If you set your goals to be straight A's, you can run out of steam quickly when courses get hard. Instead, aim for trying hard and improving. If the improvement is from a D to a C, that's still improvement.

You don't have to love your teachers, but be nice. Be polite, show up on time, and participate when you can. If a teacher likes you, they will be more likely to bump your grade up a little or grade you easier, plus you’re going to need letters of recommendation at some point.

If you're shy and don't want to raise your hand, teachers get it. Don't let that drop your participation grade, though! Participation is more than raising your hand. That can be up to 10 or 15 percent of your grade and it adds up. Meet with teachers in private or email them questions, they want to know you care.

Mental health days are vital. If you can't handle class one day, that's okay, but don't let a mental health day become a mental health week.

If you are struggling mentally, see a professional. This can be with friendships, stress, relationships, school, motivation, ANYTHING. Seriously, therapy and talking through stuff is so helpful. If you can't afford one or can't safely tell your parents, talk to a friend or, even better, a teacher or other adult.

Your friends are going to change. Trust me, this happens to everyone, and it WILL happen to you. Someone told me this in my freshman year and I said "but that won't happen to ME and my friend, because we're different," I was wrong. You and your friends are growing up and changing. If you grow apart, that's okay. Chances are, you'll still be good friends just not BEST friends anymore. That's okay.

Join a club, I know you hear this all the time but JOIN A CLUB. You will meet new people who like the same thing and it looks good on a resume.

Speaking of resumes, don't join something just because it will look good. I know so many people who joined student council just for their resume and hated it. Getting super involved in a small club will always look better than barely participating in a major club.

Don't pick your classes based on what your friends are taking. You will hate the classes and doing well will be hard. Taking a class you love with new people is better than taking a class you hate with your friends.

Don't take an advanced course unless you are prepared. Getting an A in a basic class is better than failing an AP.

Be nice. It can seem like the rude kids have the most friends but, trust me, you will be so much happier and more liked in the end if you just are nice to people.

Popularity doesn't mean anything. It will not make you happy or make you any more real friends than you already have. Just be genuine and your friend group will develop.

Don't do drugs or smoke, seriously, it'll fuck you up. BUT, if you are going to, make sure you know what you're taking and are with close friends. Never accept drugs from a stranger or do anything alone. And seriously stay the fuck away from meth and heroin. They are so addictive and will affect you for the rest of your life from even just one use. But just don't do drugs in the first place.

Listen to music you actually like. The music you listen to right now is going to have a lot of meaning to you later on.

If your school offers a tutoring service, use it! It's often free and super helpful. Don't make the mistake of saying "tutoring is for stupid people" because it's not, even the smartest people sometimes need to hear a lesson from another perspective in order to understand.

If a class is boring, find someone who is interested in it to help you understand it. A passionate teacher/tutor makes a world of difference. Even if it's a YouTube video, listening to someone who likes the topic will make it so much more interesting and also make it easier to understand.

Be careful what you put online. Colleges and jobs may look at your social media, don’t have stuff you don’t want them to see if your accounts are public, especially underage drinking or drug use.

Playing video games, watching tv, and napping are great relaxation techniques, don’t let society convince you that reading classic novels is the only way intellectuals spend their free time.

Don’t be afraid when your interests change! You may go into high school thinking you know exactly what you want, but trust me, that could very well change. Just be open to new passions.

Volunteer! Find a cause you’re passionate about and help out. No matter what you’re interested in, you can find a similar organization that needs help. It will make you feel good and look good on college applications, especially if you start early.

Never turn down an extra credit opportunity, no matter what your grade in the class is, you never know how that next test is going to go and an extra couple points might save you.

Relationships are great but don’t let them take over your life, they usually don’t last (sorry) and school is more important, if they really are the one then they will stick around even if you need to make time for yourself.

Educate yourself on safe sex and communicate your needs with your significant other. Your school probably doesn’t teach you enough.

Take the time now to make your handwriting neat. You are going to have teachers that refuse to grade tests if they’re hard to read, don’t make yourself have to fix it in a week later on, start working on it now and it will get better.

There’s nothing wrong with not dating in high school, don’t let all those teen romance movies trick you into thinking everyone gets a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school, wait until you find someone you really want to be with, even if that doesn’t happen in high school.

Start researching colleges early. Don’t stress about where you’ll get in yet, but just start looking into what you want, this will narrow your options down when you start looking into specific schools.

Don’t ever pull an all-nighter before a test, you won’t remember what you studied and you won’t be focused enough to even communicate what you do know.

Never be ashamed of what you’re passionate about, even if you think it’s stupid. That passion may well lead you to a future job.

Similarly, never make fun of someone’s passion. Nothing can destroy someone’s self-esteem faster than sharing their passion and having it be shot down, don’t ever do that to someone.

Learn to cook! So many people go into life with no knowledge of how to cook for themselves and go broke trying to afford going out to dinner every day. Cooking your own food is cheaper and better for you, learn how to make some basic stuff now and you’ll be making all sorts of things when you move out.

Stay up with politics and never miss an opportunity to vote. If I hear one of y’all say “I didn’t vote because politics doesn’t affect me” I swear I will cry. Politics will always affect you. The next election, no matter how small, will impact your school, your taxes, your neighborhood, and basically all aspects of your life. Just take the time once and a while to see what’s happening.

Take classes that make you happy even if they aren’t related to what you want to do in the future. If you want to take art every year but don’t want to go to art school, that’s fine, just make sure you get those core classes in too.

Don’t overbook yourself, make sure you’ve got some free time every week.

Retail therapy might make you feel better, but set a budget, don’t let that bad day put you back 200 dollars. I recommend using the Chrome extension that lets you add things from other sites to an Amazon wishlist. You’ll feel like you’re shopping because you’re saving things you like but you don’t spend any money.

Get a job if you can, even if you don’t love it. The more work experience you have, the easier it’ll be to get a better job later on. That being said, don’t get a horrible job that treats you badly and takes up more time than it’s worth, first jobs usually aren’t the best, but they shouldn’t be horrible.

If you are uncomfortable in a situation, leave. Trust your instincts, they might save you. This goes for people too, don’t hang around someone who makes you uncomfortable, no matter what.

Questioning your sexuality does not make you any different than you were before, questioning is good, don’t freak out if you want to explore. Sexuality is fluid and questioning does not commit you to being gay/bi/pan/whatever for the rest of your life, just do what makes you happy and figure the rest out as you go.

Get the hell out of any abusive relationships, you don’t owe them shit. If someone hurts you and says they won’t do it again, they’re lying, get out. This goes for both physical and mental abuse, get the fuck away from them and go live your best life.

No one else knows that they’re doing either, trust me.

Don’t rely on other people for activities. Go to a movie or coffee shop or wherever by yourself. Don’t just sit at home when no one is around.

Learn some stuff outside of school, it will give you so much confidence later on. Learn a language or new hobby or something that isn’t boiled down to a letter grade.

Don’t start to rely on soda and sports drinks. Stick to water and add in tea, juice, etc when you’re bored. Soda, sports drinks, and energy drinks are really bad for you so save them for special occasions.

Splurge money on good food, comfy clothes, and concerts. A 60 dollar concert means so much more than 20 dollars worth of trinkets that will just clutter your room.

Take pictures of your friends, good pictures, bad pictures, any pictures. You will treasure them later on.

Don’t delete old pictures because you look bad in them or don’t like them anymore. You changed, that’s a good thing, but those memories are still important.

Splurge on a mud or clay mask over a sheet mask. Sheet masks are way cheaper than other face masks because they are usually less effective and can only be used once. Plus, a sheet mask is WAY more likely to make you break out or cause an allergic reaction because you can’t test them out before applying them to your face.

Pack your own lunches or get a school lunch if you can, it’s so easy to spend a ton of money on food if you’re going out every day.

Community colleges are really good options. Look into your local community college and see what their programs are like because it could save you so much money and time.

Lastly, know that whatever happens, you’ll be okay. Things changed for me really suddenly this year and I ended up enrolling in my safety school. It took me a while to be okay with that but I’m really happy now. You will make things work. Just keep your head up and don’t give up. These four years go faster than you think.

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mariel19v02965-blog · 7 years

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A kid left on his own would probably just play video games all the time, but it is the task of the educator and also parent making sure they are making use of innovation for discovering and also not for negligence. Take a look at your requirements today and also make modifications to locate more balance in your globe. Typically on-line options are less costly also, so whether the educator or the area is paying, money is conserved. Rude encounters proceed in between white managers as well as educators of color and white managers and also white instructors with pupils of shade. Inning accordance with its description, it 'makes it easy for educators and also students to stay linked as well as share info'. If you happen to discover it fro the incorrect instructor, your love for the groove could die forever. This educator as a moderator could assist students determine just what to do when they are stuck on a trouble. Offering the right amount of interest and adjustment can be tough, especially if there is a higher educator to student proportion. A good teacher will certainly make you delight in learning, motivate you to do much better as well as slowly make you press your restrictions in the direction of perfection. Exactly what they do not inform you is that if you do not speak Greek it is hightly unlikely for you to obtain a task and if you do get a job the pay will certainly be very bad. Information on a few of the leading colleges that provide programs for educator education and learning is supplied listed below. It was a huge examination for the pupils that titan gel a 19months old educator of their course is appearing in the exact same course for training efficiency. Relying on which component of the region you came from, you were either 'in' our 'out' and were dealt with accordingly by several of the educators.

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Hence, if you want your instructor resume to attract attention, you need to include a couple of buzz words relevant to the teaching area. I believe the primary factor is that costs are accumulated by all those firms for each individual who obtains educator accreditation. The educator has to master the topic before teaching it, and afterwards help others master it. So, the first task of the educator is discovering. It aounds to me as if you will certainly be one of those teachers that, their students bear in mind lovingly for years. Teachers will find the pleasures of training and do much better in their occupations. Just knowing just how far you walked on a specific day or the variety of steps you have taken can provide you that additional press to do even more the following time. The day is full of music, games dancing, Hot Rod Competing, Hula hoops and also Root Beer floats. Educators and also moms and dads could make use of the collected information to work out exactly how quick students are reading publications and also to which trainees awards need to be provided. Resume experts claim that for a winning teacher return to, your return to need to have training viewpoint consisted of. Instructor prep work programs typically consist of a mix of coursework as well as fieldwork. Have pupils compose a letter to their parents as an end of the day activity for example. The educator jots down the tales and have students produce a longer, composed tale from it. Of course, the salaries for educator aides vary depending upon education as well as training. From just what I learn through more youthful educators today the instructional kudzu has been impossible to stop. Exactly what I do intend to recommend, however, that we check out how meditation is instructed with an open mind and some curiosity, instead of simply birding every little thing we assume we keep in mind hearing our educator say. By doing this the teachers will certainly have the ability to divert the youngsters's interest in the direction of knowing. As women become more invited right into firms and also governments today, it might be harder to attract professional instructors in the future. Many resources for instructors are being removed by advancements in innovation these days, but this is in fact a good idea. Registering in a specialist instructor advancement program will certainly create the chance to discover direction and also communication with coaches possessing extremely extensive experience in the training field. There will be some that are outraged when they determine following week that it's currently over and others that are even today informing their moms and dad that they would truly instead not return today since the work is hard. Spend a considerable quantity of time on intending the very first day as well as week of college. As an example, teachers could allot some time to run competitors among pupils to boost and enhance them. We are all instructors in every thing we do. Thank you for assembling this fantastic listing of quotes.

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opepin · 7 years

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june: week four

19: at around 2 am, i woke up with really hot and tingly feet and legs... i couldn’t sleep for a while. i had to wet my feet with cold water to feel okay again. i felt really dehydrated with a headache and just hot. x_x i disturbed kevin in his sleep and a felt bad too because he had to get up early to get to a meeting. blech. eventually i fell asleep with my feet outside of the blankets. i even tried sleeping outside but i didn’t want to leave kevin with my phone charging and an alarm going off at 7:15 am... well, i got out of bed kinda late. kevin was already out of the apartment and i just felt like crap. i think sleeping late and eating crappily during the weekend has to stop. i did a good job at the beginning of the weekend but after saturday, i knew i would sleep late. we were also cleaning a bit late yesterday so yeah...sigh. dave and phil and company were flying into new york today so work was a bit chill today.

i did a quick workout and showered to get rid of that icky feeling. i did some work and ate lunch. i got a pretty bad headache after the work day. i elevated my feet, watched an episode of ‘reign’ and waited for kevin to get back. we rested for a bit when he got back. both of us were feeling pretty bleh. then kevin went to cooking and i did some ab exercises. we ate dinner and then rested before showering. i spent some time thinking about how to assemble my team for bravely default’s group bosses. then i went to sleep at around 12 am. my head was hurting like crazy. i stayed up looking up information on physical therapy and whether or not i should make an appointment or not.

20: kevin and i slept through my alarm...and woke up at 10 am o___o my head still hurt like crazy and mother nature gifted me something for my birthday -__-” lol. kevin ate breakfast and then headed to work. i ate breakfast, took advil, and then went to work. i also called cigna to make sure ati physical therapy was in my network and then called them to make an appointment for thursday. everyone was super nice. i also spent some time trying to hunt down the swarovski dog figurine for my mom’s birthday...but they’re sold out everywhere @_@ omg. i’ll wait and see if they restock them. if not, i’ll buy it off another store. it was a pretty chill day because the conference was going on and i couldn’t do any testing. i tested a bit in the morning, got on the stand up, and then worked with whatever i had. i played some bravely default and then worked out. after working out, i went down to check the mail. there was no mail so i went back up and as i was putting away my slides, kevin opened the door?! he also had mail in his hand??? i told him that i just went down and he said he took the elevator to come up. IT WAS SO SUSPICIOUS.

kevin lied terribly so i found out that he hid my birthday present in the storage room and he was coming from there. he was so mad at my timing LOLOL. it was so funny. i always figure out what kevin is getting me for any occasion and he’s fed up with my “bad timing.” good times. then we relaxed for a bit. kevin was making noodles for dinner but then we realized we didn’t have our ground pork???? we might have left it at kam man? but i never bagged it or saw it in the bagging area? so confused. we had a meatless noodle dish but it was super flavorful with the sauce. i showered and then we ate dinner while watching chef john videos and then kevin cleaned up and i gamed for the rest of the night. i’m so close to beating the game!!! i only have just a few more group battles!!! i got into bed and looked up pretty little liars’ plot (idk why) and then went to sleep at like 12 am.

21: i’ve been waking up later than usual but i’ve been getting a good amount of sleep. :) i started work right away because phil sent me something to work on. i ate breakfast with kevin and then put on the newest episode of ‘world of dance’ and then worked while watching. i did a quick workout before stand up, got on a couple calls to help out customers, and then ate lunch. then at the end of the day, i did my oblique workout. it was day two of the conference so steve told us to take it easy. i showered after my workout and then got dressed. then i tried beating the “magic” group boss battle and i kept dying so i qq’d and then tried to nap but it was already 4:45 pm so i closed my eyes for a bit and then took the train to downtown crossing. a lady fell down on the train because of dehydration but she was ok. .__. i’ve never experienced so many things on the train! so many things happen on the ‘t’ in comparison to the cta. anyway, i waited for kevin because he was walking from work to downtown crossing... lol. i was grumpy when he arrived because he missed the train by like a minute but it was okay. :)

we got to sur la table and then started our master class on steaks! it was a more communal type of class where each side of the room gets to do some prep and then volunteers could grill a steak, cut it, sous vide, etc. our chef was deadpan funny (reminded me of barry) and we learned a good amount of technique and food science -- i loved it. i didn’t cook any of the steaks but had fun prepping. kevin got to sous vide one and also sear it with a blow torch after. kevin guesstimates we probably had $35 worth of restaurant steak -- i was so full by the end of the class. i think it went from 6:30 to 10 pm though x__X we didn’t start eating until 8:45 pm so i was starving. nancy, one of the kitchen aides also made us mango sorbet with vanilla whipped cream!! SO DELICIOUS. we got a 10% off coupon at the end of the class and the store to ourselves. we bought a le creuset bakeware set on the spot because i thought $100 was so cheap for it EXCEPT that le creuset bakeware is cheaper than the dutch ovens and etc. x__x so we’re returning it haha. it’s okay. we commuted home and then i did some cleaning and then went to sleep at around 12 pm. i was tireddd and my feet were really tired.

22: i woke up with another headache??? i don’t know why. i was really tired and my legs were sore. kevin apparently had a half day today so i planned to meet up with him after my physical therapy appointment. i ate breakfast, caught up with phil, and did a quick low-impact workout before heading out to my appointment. i got there 10 minutes early and filled out paperwork and then got right into my appointment. my physical therapist, bryan, was super chill and fun to chat with. he’s not 100% that it’s a fracture but he said it might be a fracture or broken bone in my right foot. he thinks that my other foot is hurting because it’s taking pressure off my right foot... so yeah. he heated my feet and put balm on them to help with the swelling and then we did some strengthening stretches! it was such an interesting experience :O then he sent me off with some ice (which i had to throw away because i was meeting with kevin for lunch -- i shouldn’t have asked him for some x__X i feel bad) and we scheduled more appointments and he told me to get an x-ray. i was feeling akjfnskjdf about it because of the money but this is the reason why i am building an emergency fund!! i’ll always keep on saving so i need to remind myself that.

i walked to yo sushi! to get lunch with kevin. i kinda got lost and i was hurtin’ a bit when i got there but it was all good in the hood. their fried rice is pretty good and their nori tacos are delicious. i also loved their mochi selection -- the passionfruit one is surprisingly tart yet creamy~ then we took the bus and train home and i hopped on a quick call with a customer and then called up my insurance and made an appointment with my pcp. okay, i’m doing the right thing and taking care of my body instead of worrying about the money. with insurance, an x-ray for my feet isn’t that expensive anyway. i got this. breathe. lol, i’m such a money worrier sometimes... i tried beating bravely default again with no avail. i might just battle the broken way now because i just don’t know how not to T_T then kevin surprised me with his birthday presents. he did get me the roasted green tea i love drinking at sumi (well, not the exact one because that one was sold out and i wasn’t expecting the EXACT one either haha). he also got me a log pillow <333333 it’s perfect for elevating my feet and i’m closer to becoming a real komala now. i love it! :DD thank you so much, kevin <3333

kevin cooked us veggie fried rice and then i got real frustrated with the game and rq’d ahha. then i did my physical therapy exercises and did some thigh workouts. i showered after and hopped in bed at 11 pm. i slept at around 11:30 pm. zzzz.

23: kevin decided to wfh so we’d be leaving to get to the bus to new york together~ it was a really chill morning. we had a weird eating schedule so i ate and kevin didn’t and then kevin got some food in him before we left to catch our amtrak ride to new york. oh, during the work day, i thought i was going to have to work over the weekend because we had a really important release to check in on but phil let me go free because it was my birthday and i also wouldn’t have anywhere to properly work (we’d be leaving the hotel at 12 pm and then wouldn’t have anywhere with a stable wifi connection). so we packed our last minute things and then headed out. i stopped by starbucks and got a trenta-sized original pink drink and then kevin went to get us sweetgreen bowls for our train dinner. it was a struggle finding seats at first because we sat behind a guy with really bad body odor and was talking on the phone so then kevin wanted to move and we ended up moving several carts down and finding a pretty empty cart (i didn’t have hope for a bit). then i ate my harvest bowl and it was deliciousssss. kevin liked his salad too. we stayed up for most of the trip. our stomaches started hurting a bit after eating the salad because of all the raw fiber...LOL but it was a nice ride to new york overall.

we walked to the nomad hotel and was greeted by the perfectly awkward hostess. i say she was perfect because the decor of the nomad is very noir and a bit creepy and she was kind of like that but soooo sweet and she gave us free water haha. there was a freestanding claw foot tub -- oh, she upgraded us to the atelier room as well, woot! yeah, so there was a bathtub, the room separator actually housed the toilet and the shower, and the bed was so comfy. we left our luggage there and relaxed for a bit before heading out to tous les jours to get some noms. kevin went ham and got like 3 things and i got a honey bun and a piece of decadent chocolate mousse cake. it was super rich. we were super full by the end of the night and walked back. we were conveniently located near k-town so we weren’t worried about access to food. we got back, showered, used the bathtub and then kevin gave me a massage (thank you :D) before going to sleep. mmm zzzz. i decided we’d be sleeping in until check out time at 12 pm because it was already 2 am and we were beat.

24: i’m going to preface this day by saying that me and kevin still don’t like new york city but we still had a fun time. we don’t like new york city overall because people just seem like they don’t know how to walk down the street politely (like can you not take up the whole sidewalk?), it’s so dirty (garbage bags everywhere), most people seem to have a snotty / miserable attitude (worker at tous les jours was literally just following us while mopping the floor and omg, prime example: a guy came out of the bathroom at smith’s while i was waiting to use it and he left the sink water running, didn’t flush, and peed all over the toilet seat, what the heck?), we seem to hit red lights every block we walk, and i think i would feel pretty lonely in this city because this city makes me feel like no one cares and i would feel stressed about not having a social life because the city is alive until the am all the time. it’s just one of those cities you either love or dislike i think... anyway, those are the few things about new york we don’t like and i don’t think we will ever live there.

so we kept to the schedule and we checked out at exactly 12 pm if not a few minutes earlier. then we walked a block down to get brunch at a place called, smith’s. it was aiight. i wouldn’t recommend it. then we walked to uniqlo to see if they had any of the nintendo shirts i wanted still in stock -- they didn’t. we stopped by a gamestop and think geek before and looked around and then decided to go to nintendo ny. it was a ways down and my feet started hurting so we stopped at kinokuniya bookstore on the way to the nintendo store. kevin called me weird in front of a group of people for collecting sonny angels and it hurt, tbh, so i got upset a bit and browsed the store on my own. then i found a fire emblem art book and showed him and he apologized. we bought a drink to sit down in the cafe area, i waited in line to use the bathroom, and then we continued our walk to the nintendo store. man, it was soooooper packed. we walked around people and then decided to rq this walking thing and went to the closest barnes and noble. kevin grabbed a table and got us fiji water and a venti passion iced tea. he read fanfic while i picked up ‘the elephant vanishes’, ‘milk and honey’, ‘crazy rich asians’, and ‘love and misadventure’ from the store and read the two poetry books before heading out to momofuku. the poetry books were great. i can see why people love ‘milk and honey.’

we took the train to momofuku and when we got there, there was already a small line. i tried seeing if there were any more momofuku sneakers on sale but kevin tried with his iphone and they were sold out T_T it wasn’t meant to be LOL. we quickly got seated and ordered pork buns, shiitake buns, and split a momofuku ramen. this experience was everything that i dreamed of! the flavors were full yet light and i loved the pork buns. 10/10 -- this wasn’t all hype. we ordered 3 banchans and took 2 to go because we were full. their potato salad is on point, the kimchi was on the sweeter side, and their mushrooms were so light! kevin couldn’t eat dessert right away so we spontaneously went into a nail salon and got pedicures! it was both our first times and kevin thought i was the only one getting it but i dragged him in with me. it was a fun and weird experience because the chinese ladies thought we were funny and lost but they were so nice. i just got a clear coat on my nails because idk what i was doing LOL. thank you for doing these things with me, kevin :3 i remembered seeing people with muji bags so we found the muji nearby and walked over there. kevin really liked the vibe. he bought me the hand shredder that i’ve been kinda wanting since forever haha. i told him not to get it for me because it’s kind of novelty but he got it for me anyway.

we walked to the spot dessert bar, got seated immediately (before the rush), and went along with their 3 dessert suggestion for 2 people. it was obviously a mistake because that’s 3 desserts for only 2 people!!! kevin also got a thai iced tea float lulz. we got the matcha lava cake, golden toast, and the yuzu eskimo. the matcha lava cake was delicious. the golden toast was too much...we wouldn’t recommend it because the deep fried toast is just too much. the yuzu eskimo was probably my favorite <3 we struggled eating it all but we did, and the couple next to us were like “you’re young, you guys can do it.” LOL. it was 9 pm and we didn’t have any place to go so kevin suggested watching a movie, and he suggested this earlier after we ate at momofuku too but the closest theater was an indie one and we weren’t about that right then. we walked to the closest amc and saw that only terrible movies were being shown: transformers, the mummy, and rough night. i looked up a bookstore that closes at 12 am so we walked there and they closed at 9:30 pm today T_T so then my final hope was going to this coffee shop that closes at 12 am, and omg, there it was. we were so tired from walking. i shouldn’t have been walking this much. my feet were kind of pulsating and pretty sore by now. the massage at the pedicure place helped a lot though.

we got a chamomile tea and then we unwound with youtube videos and fanfic. we stayed there until closing time. i used the bathroom there and both me and kevin said this was probably the most times in a day that we’ve used public restrooms...haha. we ubered to tous les jours to get some food for the train ride back and then chilled there until they closed. we tiredly talked about friends, life, etc. then we walked to penn station. we passed by the super busy madison square garden area and kevin got a kebab for $6 (rip off) and then we used the washrooms at the station and waited for our amtrak to arrive. we waited for about an hour inside. i was so tired that i wasn’t making much sense when kevin talked to me. i also gave his pokemon ridiculous nicknames LOL. we hopped on the train and then went to sleep right away. actually, it was hella cold so i put on all of the long layers of clothing i brought and then took out my contacts and went to sleep... kevin slept through pretty much the entire ride haha.

it was a super long and event-filled day with kevin. i’m a year older and of course, it doesn’t feel like it. i don’t regret going to new york city for my birthday and spending all the time walking and squatting at places because i got to spend it with kevin too. i think i would have been miserable without him. it was a good day spent. i’ll remember this day forever probably because i don’t think i would do this ever again, especially the whole not having a room to go back to for the entire day. xP i guess thanks for the interesting birthday, new york city! see you later!

25: i kept waking up on the train because it was either too cold or someone was talking -__-’ so i didn’t sleep very well. i was also blind and didn’t want to get up to use the washroom because i couldn’t put my contacts in without burning my eyes (forgot to pack glasses). so i toughed it out and when we finally got back at 8 am, kevin guided me to the train and we got back to the apartment! the first cart we got on, there was an annoying af homeless man that just kept banging his cup and saying weird shit to people. he was doing this on purpose because he kept in time with when he was banging his cup and he also said to me “wakey wakey” -___-’ i wasn’t saying anything but kevin wanted to switch carts so we did. when we got back, we both used the bathroom and then went straight to sleep after that. we woke up at around 2:30 pm and felt so skfnslkfnsdf. we’re never gonna take a 2:40 am amtrak train ever again -- it’s too red eye for us. i’ll also remember to bring a blanket or something too. i felt really tired and out of it the rest of the day. i watched videos, kevin and i argued a bit and i was just tired and overwhelmed so i cried and i think me not being able to walk properly is really getting to me. i really love being mobile and doing things on my own. i also like going to the office to work and exercising and etc but being in this state just really sucks. you’d think that because we went to new york and walked everywhere yesterday that i’m fine to walk and etc, but my feet started hurting like crazy after a while. sigh.

anyway, we talked about it and then kevin bought buns so we snacked on that. then i did laundry and did my stretches and iced my feet while watching the latest episode of love connection while kevin made omurice. we ate a really late dinner and then i waited for the laundry to dry. i folded the clothes and stuff asap and then brushed my teeth and went to sleep. i think it was around 1 or 2 am. lol my sleeping schedule. @_@;

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