#which is irrational because like

[ftm-megamind]

me and my boyfriend are sooo javid (he invited me over for a family dinner)

#jokes aside i am so fucking NERVOUS ABOUT THAT LIKE ??? #it's not like i don't know his parents/family. i do. i saw them plenty. still. oh my god #it's his father's birthday dinner too #i think im going to die actually #which is irrational because like #he went to a family party with me and it wasn't a big deal. i mean i was delighted that he was there. but nobody made it a big deal #so i'll probably be fine #still. you get why im nervous about this #while i adore him more than life itself we're still at a point where like. im not fully comfortable around his parents #because like. obviously. i have no idea if they even like me #i mean they probably asked him to invite me so they must like me at least a little #still...... #fuck. why am i even going off about this in my tumblr tags. whatever man #delete later #vent but like don't take this too seriously!!! just going bonkers #also can you tell i love talking about him

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather previous / next

#my art #feralnette au #birds of a feather #long tags #sorry I went apeshit in the tags #LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW #I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO #its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical #and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread #as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational #in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away #and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do #shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again #legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it #but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings #alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird #she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her #knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself #between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot #and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo #essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that #busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way #to show her she's self sabotaging #cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD

[buckttommy]

and you know what the thing is, is i don't even think the biggest problem is going to be that buck's jealous. eddie knows buck. that's the love of his life, but more than that, he just knows him intrinsically. he knows how he is. he knows he gets insecure. he knows he has abandonment issues, like. he knows. he has never once hesitated to give buck assurance and he'll give it again (that scene in buck's loft in 7x05). the problem is going to rise when eddie's relationship with tommy is still a problem after their talk, and neither of them are going to know why. becuase from eddie's pov, it's going to be like, well now you're just being ridiculous. i already told you i love you (in so many words). i already told you we're solid, i already told you nothing's going to change and you're still being weird and i don't like it. and from buck's pov, it's going to be like. i realize we had this conversation, but i still don't like this relationship. i still want things to go back to the way they were. i'm still hungry for your attention and you're not giving it to me.

and so it's like. that's where the wires get crossed. because at some point, buck is going to have to examine his thoughts and feelings again, and he's going to be like, well this man and his relationship with eddie has been the only thing that's consumed my thoughts for weeks; therefore, i must want him desperately. and it's like. yes. solid thinking there, buck. definitely no other options it could possibly be. nuh uh. makes perfect sense. 1000/10 excellent problem solving, great job, buckaroo. dumbass.

#And there's also something to be said about Buck's reaction to hearing that Eddie and Tommy clicked because he's like... 'Yeah I know #exactly what that's like because (when I stopped being dumb) you and I clicked' #and considering Buck's brain I have to wonder if there's something there in the way he thinks Eddie processes his own relationships #as in: the key to having a good solid bestfriendship is clicking with someone right off the bat #so in Buck's mind he is (for lack of a better word) relegated to JUST friendship because he thinks that's how it is in EDDIE'S mind #So of COURSE he's freaking out about Tommy moving in on his best friend because as far as he's concerned #being best friends with Eddie is just about having a natural connection #and not about like. What you actually offer him. Which is so shallow. Buck knows him deeper than that #but he's so blinded by his own irrational paranoia (and queer feelings which are scary when you are a baby gay!) #that he doesn't even realize what the fuck is going on in HIS head since he's so focused on what he THINKS is going on in Eddie's #Bless his sweet soul i need to kiss him so bad like buck you're so fucking dumb let's make out #anyways

[anonymocha]

Bluepoch gave us the gift of barely-subtext tragic sapphic-centric media do NOT throw that away.

Context regarding PJSK and Undertale under cut.

Project Sekai cast is dominated by female characters but mlm is more popular, meanwhile Undertale has canon wlw rep and oh my god they’re at the bottom. I have nothing against these fandoms or media (I’m literally currently/was in them) but yeah. I just HOPE r99 doesn’t end up in a similar state.

#mochagaming #if r99 ever gets even more popular and people somehow manage to out-yaoi the yuri i may actually buy a gun #‘write more yuri then’ I AM <3 AND LETS KEEP WRITING YURI R99 NATION #this is an irrational fear btw #especially since the fandoms i previously in kept fixating on the men in women-centric media #which is not bad #good for them #but its alienating for me LOL #thankfully rn r99 fandom is still diligent woman appreciators so thanks guys #keep it up #I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MEN OR MLM #I JUST REALLY NEED THAT SAPPHIC SPOTLIGHT #LET THIS DESPERATE LESBIAN DREAM THAT HER FAV GAME STAYS YURIFUL #(because fandom activity genuinely affects the game itself so…) #reverse 1999 #I am not trying to discourage any form of fandom content #But if I see someone complain about ‘lack of men’ in this game I… I genuinely dont know??? what to say??? #we dont even have enough lesbian rep. it is always cast aside. #it should be prioritized (by bluepoch) i think #like to charge reblog to cast

[averlym]

litany of the martyrs (click for better resolution!)

#at some point i wanted to make an illustration for each character but in retrospect maybe each is multiple song-coded.. #drew the sketch for a quincy thing after a chat with a mutual reminded me this song existed dfsghjkl and then spent weeks rendering this #quincy cynthius martin #adamandi #i'm finally done with this! the saints especially were joys to paint and the halo a menace.... this has been the most ambitious one so far. #but it also took quite long because i only worked on it <engages with quincy> when mentally okay to deal with the themes. i'm not religious #but i do identify with the irrational(?ish) guilt + family legacy + academic achievement + disregard for self. also more complex thoughts #about love [but depsite quincent being a large part of quincy's character this piece deals with mostly the Rest of it. so another time..] #anyways! in the original sketch- the saints had heads bent towards quincy so the halo spikes pointed at him. but this worked better! halos #of the saints implying/creating one for quincy was a concept from the start though. in the show they don't touch him directly here but #differences in mediums i think- i don't have time in an image to craft a narrative so everything has to be happening. also artistic liberty #misc inspiration for this includes stained glass windows. i might have maybe misinterpreted the saint costume but i think i logic-ed it out #as the cloth part following a nun's habit w the hood. and then halo above. the material is also more transparent originally but i had. um. #too much fun painting fabric folds.. if you look closely you can see the basis of faces though behind the cloth; but only the vague shapes #because smth obscurity + inhumanness// cassian is the only one i gave a mouth though. that stems from melliot's post about the saints and #st cassian as spokesperson (<- did research teehee!) that's also how i found out which costume = which saint. speaking of which. #left to right: 'st lucy take my hand' // 'st lawrence give me strength' (presses quincy forward; but hand on shoulder connotates guidance) #/'st cassian help me smile' (quincy's mouth is btwn a grimace and a smile; tilts up at side. also no direct touch bc added insidiousness.) #//'st jude [...] i hope your causes burn' (jude's hand is in two places to show movement- nearing the flame and then snatching back; burnt) #other notes: at the midst of the flame the core is shaped like a human heart /the saints and their wax are all melting like the candle for #fun visual effect and also this way they are even less tangible <real>. perks of painting as a medium i guess. // also insp from icarus? #wax and burning imagery; looking at the halo and rays as parallel to sun that burns. too close to the sun; melting; hurting; hurtling // #candles at bottom are a nod to the frankly gorgeous set// also the entire composition kind of stems from the lyric <what use is a candle if #both ends aren't burning>; the two sides between the concepts of catholic guilt and academic perfection that spur quincy #the halo above (saints and guilt; litanyofthemartyrs) and the 'halo' below (academic papers; insp from choreo for perfect at school) #the papers were originally supposed to be more glowy. but i like the idea of it now being a reflection of how quincy's priorities shift #also of note is that <candle> in centre = quincy; w burning candle + aforementioned heart in flame -> most human; idea of love + passion #last thoughts: kneeling + hands close tgt = prayer //wax dripping onto the red As make an effect that looks like blood. because i like #hiding that within the adamandi pieces :OO continuity!! // i've run out of tags but yeah! had fun with this one! every so often i go a #little insane in making art and the final result astounds even me. ngl i'm quite proud of this one. pretty colours <3333

[coquelicoq]

what i love about the Famous Actor Natori Shuuichi of it all is that...it's not just that he's famous and therefore widely recognizable wherever he goes. like yes that is very funny because he was an exorcist before he became a famous actor, which means he CHOSE, on purpose, a day job that would make it harder to hide his double life/secret identity from the hordes of his adoring public, but it's more than that. it's not just that he's famous, it's that he's famous specifically for being an ACTOR, aka a person whose job it is to dissimulate, to make believe, to inhabit roles and emotions other than his own. like he decided he was going to become as visible as possible (which again was literally not necessary! he could have gone into any other career for his day job!!) but in such a way that everyone would see him but no one would see him - they would just see his various made-up personas, including the Famous Actor Natori Shuuichi persona. i can't decide if he's a genius or if he just made so many absurd decisions that they canceled each other out and circled back around to working out. he's either playing 9-dimensional chess or he's eating the pieces. too soon to say.

#the other thing i love about it is that in a very real sense it's his actor day job that is his alter ego #being an exorcist is his normie job. he's just a famous celebrity on the side #which isn't that uncommon in secret identity setups but it's still very funny #natsume's book of friends #natsume yuujinchou #natori shuuichi #natsuyuu meta #my posts #f #i think probably the actual answer is that acting was a very natural career choice because he already masks so extensively #both to hide that he can see things other people can't (and that youkai exist and that he exorcises them) #and to hide what he's really feeling so that no one can use it against him #so if it's already something he has to do & he's good at it...why not have someone tell him exactly how to do it & get paid for it? #and the other part of the answer is that most ppl don't go into acting assuming they'll get famous. the fame was a side effect #so each decision as it was being made probably made perfect sense. but put them all together #and you have this hilarious assortment of elements that seem to directly contradict each other #okay also i would be remiss if i didn't mention the other possible answer which is that the attention came first and was unavoidable #and the acting developed from the need to protect himself from the attention that he was going to be attracting no matter what he did #because he's so beautiful. and (in the exorcist world specifically) because he's the last of the natori #the more i talk about it the more i'm like no becoming a famous actor was the only path that made any sense for him lol #1) he's gonna be watched no matter what bc he's him -> gotta figure out how to hide his secrets -> learn to act as self-defense #or 2) he's got secrets -> he's gotten a lot of practice hiding them -> hey you could make a career out of this! #all roads lead to actor natori shuuichi. and since he's beautiful...all roads lead to FAMOUS actor natori shuuichi #i love it when i ramble so much in the tags that i end up contradicting my own post lol #he's neither thinking ten steps ahead nor is he irrational. he's simply making sensible individual decisions #that follow logically from what is available to him and what his priorities are

[cthulhusstepmom]

So we have all agreed that Ghost doesnt sleep, whether he's lying awake in bed staring at nothing till the wee hours of the morning, or roaming around base in the darkness drinking his tea, the man doesn't sleep until he physically passed out. What about Soap?

Show me Soap who grew up in a house full of siblings that he had to help raise and only got peace when they went to bed. Give me Soap who hates going to sleep more than anything because night time is his time, when everything is quiet and he can just be Johnny without anyone around. I want to see Soap turn off at night, put away the constant noise and the giant blinding smiles and just enjoy having a little quiet time, not because it's all not real or not him, but because this is also a part of him. A part of him that doesn't fit the Soap persona that he's curated, a part of him that has been weaponised against him more than once. "Why can't you be quiet like you were last night?" "How come you're an entirely different person at night?" "Go to fucking sleep you live alone you can have quiet time whenever". And maybe it's like pulling nails being around other people at night, just makes him want to scream and cry and just beg to be left alone. But not Ghost.

Maybe they run into each other at night and Ghost doesnt know what to say when Johnny just completely flips a 180, going from reading or quietly sketching to bouncing off the walls and flirting and just being Soap™. And maybe as time goes on and they spend more and more sleepless nights together, maybe Johnny allows Ghost to see him be quiet, and maybe just maybe, Ghost becomes Johnny's peace.

#He doesn't tell him to go to sleep or that he's being irrational. #just sits next to him as they simply exist together in the quiet and the darkness #ghost x soap #ghostsoap #cod mw2 #if you cant tell by now #oldest child burdened with raising children as a child is one of my favorite headcannons for soap #he never got to be a kid and that reflects in some of his reckless decisions and the abandon with which he adores life #perhaps it shows in how he values others fat more than himself like its only natural #not necessarily because hes been told hes not worth as much but because all his life its been his job to take care of other people #hehe kinda silly

[astarlightmonbebe]

i'm only at the beginning of li tongguang's descent into obsession (eps 17-18), but already it's both hurting and hitting. hurting, because we know li tongguang's capabilities, and his level headedness, and the potential he has, that he seems to throw out due to this obsession. hitting, because when you think about it, the obsession storyline and characterization does make perfect sense. obsession like that is a double edged blade, which can turn from love to hate, childish belief and joy to embittered rage in a second.

on one hand, it's painful to watch ltg's childlike desperation when faced with ruyi again. we want to grit our teeth and think of him as idiotic, unable to take a hint. but the reality is that it's a completely normal response to be expected from him. i mean, it's a dream come true, to see the person you 'love' the most in the world to be whole in front of you. it's probably what he could only dream about, especially being the one to apparently find her bones and bury them.

on a deeper level, ltg's initial reaction is very much a manifestation of his inner child, almost peter pan-like in the 'child that never became an adult/grew up' way. by that i mean to say the desperate urge to please, the constant worrying, and the oscillation between hot and cold moods are all so indicative of someone who grew up in an insecure/unstable environment, usually with volatile or simply unavailable authority figures. from what we can gather, he had no father, his mother wasn't in his life ("she doesn't want him around, nor can she bear for him to be away, so that's why he's like that" per empress zhaojie's words to ruyi). the one authority figure that entered his life to offer some semblance of guidance was ruyi, and even though it's clear that she held care for him, she was also a twenty year old assassin used to training subordinates, not children. her mentorship style is clearly so different when you hold ltg and yang ying side by side, and we know from ruyi's own mouth that she doesn't consider herself to have taught ltg well, and wants to remedy that through/with yang ying (i'll probably make a whole different post comparing this and the affects of this after watching some more episodes lol - there are bullet points in the drafts). so even though ruyi was his authority figure, she was still an emotionally unavailable one who couldn't meet ltg on the level he probably needed at that time in his life, and which no one probably ever did. hence his up and down reaction and actions.

it intrigues me, too, because i think, in a very subtle way, ltg is very much a character foil to ruyi in that he reflects some of her worst attributes, or more accurately represents the sort of person she was, or at least acted like (yuan lu's comment about how ltg has ruyi's gaze was meaningful outside of the jealousy arc - to me at least). i saw someone make a really interesting comment on how ltg's devotion to ruyi parallels ruyi's own devotion to empress zhaojie, which i'll also probably comment on more later.

obviously, ltg's obsession stems from an issue much larger than ruyi herself - she just happens to be the unfortunate target of it. and, clearly, i know his descent into it will be ugly, if understandable. i understand ruyi wanting to leave that part of her life behind, but also - to think that maybe many of the issues faced in future eps could have been avoidable if she'd been upfront with li tongguang about her identity early on.

#star stumbles #a journey to love #一念关山 #cdrama #my thoughts #li tongguang #eps 17-18 #sorry if i jumped from one point to another this is just a stream of consciousness #and by that last sentence what i mean is that if ruyi had acknowledged him #and then told him something like 'i'm on a mission right now so don't do this or that' etc #even without explaining her situation. i think he would have been much more toned down #of course there is a chance it would have fed his delusions but really anything she did would do that #but not acknowledging him is worse in so many regards #especially when he has a whole thing (elephant in the room sized issue) about abandonment and acknowledgement #his future irrational behaviors are a child demanding to be seen/heard #which is like. embarassing! because we know his potential we saw it but now he's just reduced to this #but i think it's true to the sort of character and story he has. which is the sad part. #ok...i had one more thought but i've forgotten it twice now so uhhh #onto ep 19 in a bit. i will be cringing through it #yeah but i just can't get over his personal reaction right after leaving in ep 17 #because that is EXACTLY how children with emotionally abusive/manipulative parental figures act #the anxiety about pleasing them the dread you messed it up the desperate urge to fix it.... #it's really sticking with me #honestly some have argued that ruyi was abusive and i don't combat that but it's out of pocket #for the time period/context lol. also not really the point if that makes sense

[kabukeo]

tonight's little doodles

#doodle #lcb #meursault lcb #meurgreg #im trying to be less self conscious about making meurgreg or any ship art really #twt has exposed me to everyone having an opinion on every ship ever #which has made me back away from making too much art of any one ship #i know meurgreg is one of the most popular ships but because of that i also feel an odd sense of guilt #i cant explain it like i should use my art to contribute to a rare pair or smth idk #its all a bit weird and irrational #but ive realized i have not been able to make art for myself for months #every idea i have and everything i go forward to draw im always thinking about how others will feel about it #and how i can make it better fit or adequate for an audience so i dont let them down or bore them #and that mindset has made art so much of a chore that ive significantly slowed down so much on art at all #so idk #trying to stop overthinking and just draw what i feel to the extent that i feel #escape the perfectionism and wanting to please everyone as much as possible #to elaborate on the weird meurgreg feeling i guess its like #i feel guilty for filling tags even more with an already popular ship & making mutuals who dont like meurgreg see it more #but its just not that deep #people can mute meurgreg and thats just not my problem anyway #sry ab these tags!

[itsyourstarboy]

Streamer!Honey II where Guy gets kidnapped and Honey is just like "see dumbass I told you this would happen"

#their biggest and most irrational fear is that Guy will get hurt because of their popularity #Honey does not trust anyone #especially their batshit fans #if Honey got a threat they'd be like “okay baby time to learn how to shoot a gun” #they had him take self defense classes #which backfired a little because he then got better at pinning them during play fights #redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted headcanons #redacted shitpost #redacted guy #redacted honey #redacted streamer!honey

[lavampira]

you know the day is going to be a doozy when you wake up with anxiety already eating you alive 🫠

#sorry not to once again vent about The Horrors #i’ve just been having an absolute weird one today lolol #and idek why this is where my brain has chosen to latch this time #somewhere between feeling too clingy for wanting to casually tell friends i love them or miss them or want to spend time with them #and being sensitive about slight changes with ones who withdraw from doing the same as often too #or changes in some routines i guess #like what if i’m just unaware that i’m the annoying person clinging to a friendship that’s fading #i don’t want to be too needy for reassurance or too pushy with being so sappy :o) #which is irrational of my brain but i can’t help feeling the way i do either #because i did lose touch with a former close friend recently and just. not realize that closeness wasn’t there anymore. lmao #but also ‘hi do you still love me. do you miss me if i’m not available. you haven’t said so in a while’ feels insane to ask shdghsd #ANYWAY that’s enough vulnerability for today. bye. #the life and times

[rivertigo]

crazy to think I was so peculiar as a very young child before the abuse started setting in to change me. I would get so pissed off because we had a game in preschool where you would do a certain move around the carpet in a circle and I was convinced everyone was galloping wrong and I was the only one doing it right and I would just stew in annoyance. this is a symptom of something

#I was also PISSED when I had to start pronouncing sphere as sfhere instead of spear #because I was convinced I was doing it right and it was better #maybe I was just stubborn #but there are so many instances of this #like me being really peculiar #maybe it was ocd all along #because I would have such strange fears and stuff #and there was religion all cooked in #so I didn’t really notice because I could blame a lot on god #like I also had this irrational fear of the earth depleting resources #which came from Minecraft pocket edition having limited worlds and not infinite

[autogeneratedkahootnickname]

Yeah so I'm an Amber apologist until the day I die.

I do think there's potentially a minor writing hiccup but I'm gonna set things out as best I can from my understanding.

What a lot of people don't pick up on, and what the show tries to convey in episode 5, is that Mark has been a phenomenally shitty boyfriend to Amber. We only see a few brief snippets of him cancelling some dinner plans, but this has been a constant, unfaltering issue for 3 months. 'He's late, he doesn't show, and he always has some shitty excuse.' From Amber's point of view, it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to think she means nothing to him.

But she recognises that the situation is complex, and she cares about him, and she sees that he IS trying, if not enough. So she gives him second chance after second chance. Honestly far longer than she should have done.

But yeah, their relationship is on the ROCKS for a LONG time. But since we see Mark superheroing throughout most of that, we can't put ourselves in her shoes.

So then, flash forward to Upstate U and the reveal. My controversial theory, but the one I think most makes sense in terms of writing, is that Amber didn't know Mark was Invincible until he tells her.

Amber is visibly startled when she sees Mark flying in her room. Granted she would be even if she knew, but it leans more to her not knowing than the contrary.

Amber does not know who Invincible is at Upstate U, and she never refers to him by name in the confrontation: 'I know you're a superhero', 'fly away, flyboy'. If she had known 'weeks beforehand' a cursory google would have been likely. She would be more likely to refer to him by name.

Amber is very intelligent, she's quick-witted, she's an expert at putting up walls as a defence mechanism and she hates being lied to. She would be capable of concealing her surprise, and wouldn't want to lose control in the conversation, but honestly she doesn't have to. Because her reaction seems genuine, even if its less premeditated than she puts on.

Amber goes into that interaction thinking Mark is a liar, a coward, a flake and an asshole. That interaction recontextualises him as a liar, a flake and an asshole. In different ways sure, but the end result is the same. Amber's whole issue is that she doesn't feel valued by Mark, and she's just been told that he was hiding an entire secret life from her because he didn't trust her. Also, Mark is not 'trusting her now': he's using Invincible as a retroactive get out of jail free card for being an asshole for 3-4 months. He frames it in a way that, even if its unintentional on his part, makes her out to be small, and petty, and irrational: 'because im out saving lives or protecting the planet.' It sounds like he's blaming her for being mad at him, and he's SO SURE she'll forgive him everything in that moment. She doesn't want to let him off the hook for being shitty, and Mark's behaviour isn't helping. This is supposed to convey that the way he treated her isn't ok even if he was a superhero, and he shouldn't expect it to be.

And she isn't happy about being angry with him! The scene ends with her looking pensive, conflicted, because the walls she put up in that scene do not reflect her character! She goes back to Mark to make sure he's alright, because she sees his actions in a different light, and bear in mind, at this point, Mark is still viewed by the public as someone who played a pretty substantial role in killing around 50,000 people at a guess. She's not going back to him because he's a hero now. He's public enemy number 2. That is an INCREDIBLE amount of integrity and dedication, traits she's displayed repeatedly throughout the season through her grassroots support of local communities.

William literally says in his pep talk to Mark:

'But you were a shitty boyfriend to Amber and you got what you deserved'. This is Mark's number 1 fan. Laying it out in front of us.

And last, but of course, not least,

Guys she's fucking seventeen cut her some slack jesus christ she's not a calculator

#invincible #amber apologist #well not an apologist coz that implies she did something wrong #like. i wont lie a lot of it does feel misogynistic? #'innocent man persecuted by crazed nagging irrational girlfriend' hmmm #dont like it #she deserves so much better #like some people literally say she's worse than omni-man because 'at least he had a coherent world view' really? fucking really? #edit: since making this post i have learned about the term misogynoir #which i feel is very applicable here

[zoppzoop]

me: *yearns eternally for having a close friendship with someone which we develop over years where we can talk to each other about anything and everything no matter how big or trivial it is and we stay friends for a long long time*

also me: *scared as fuck of saying anything or asking for anything or even just talking about anything to people because of the forever looming irrational fear of rejection*

#vent #kinda #i really appreciate all the people i have in my life but idk theres always a pin prick of doubt that im easily replacable and forgettable #that im just not the kind of person who could ever be important to someone #like i wasnt in someones life. my presence or absence wouldn't matter to them either way #and then theres also this whole thing of 'i need to always be the one who does things for them because if not then they wont like me anymor #which sucks ass and im working on it #and like ik im just being irrational rn but my brain is being mean to me #ykw my brain *is* being mean to me its after dark and i should just go to sleep rather than overthink about this #just ignore this im being silly

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

that wonderful piano part from chiquitita does not fail to fill me with a combination of joy and paranoia

#paranoia bc of that one random episode that i probably should've told the psychiatrist about in which the music in my head frightened me #anyway! #my heart rate is up and at the same time i am delighted by the music #the combination is irrationally funny to me #honestly rereading my posts from today it almost feels like im mildly drunk because im being irrational but at the same time im completely #fine yk? #sorry yall xD #personal

[agnesandhilda]

my father is an olympic gold medalist in the sport of emotionally tormenting women

#bolo speaks #I've had him blocked on everything for the past two years because I was one of the women he terrorizes even when I was still a girl #but I'm only able to do that because *other* women in my family are on the frontlines dealing with him. which I am keenly aware of. #anyway I got a message from my grandma asking if I was mad at her because he'd been saying that I hated her (untrue and bizarre to boot #like just factually a man I haven't been on speaking terms with since I was seventeen has no leg to stand on whatsoever wrt to what I have #going on emotionally or in my relationships. but he's nothing if not adept at digging into people's worst insecurities so I get why she'd #be bothered) #and he has a new girlfriend now who I haven't met but who he treats the way he treated my mother before they separated #going into drunk rages breaking her things degrading her etc. and *her* family encourages her to ignore it because he's got money #and I don't know. I don't know my dad's girlfriend I've never met her but I am intimately aware of just how horribly #he treats every woman in his life. anyway [NAME] if you're reading this GET OUT ‼️ #and the worst part is that he is like. a genuine shameless misogynist like he'd go on these crazy rants about #how women are just vaginas and we're all stupid and hysterical anyway so it doesn't matter if me and mom are scared of him #because we're just dumb women. which has naturally torched his bridges with me and every other woman in our family right. #and his takeaway from that is that he's *right* and being put-upon by all these irrational harpies for no valid reason. #my dad voice: are women scared of me because I'm violent and unpredictable? no. it's those stupid bitches that are wrong.