#whomped tags

[fukcnoplease]

Things always go wrong

Pt2 Pt3 Pt4

Danny paced the halls of pariah dark’s castle, well his castle but even after a few years he wasn't used to that, as Frostbite watched in silence. His king isn't usually this restless before a council meeting but his distress was understandable. As his eighteenth birthday approached the council was getting more and more pushy for Danny to take up his role as king. Frostbite had used his leeway to allow the young king time to grow up and in the four years since his first transformation he had only been called to council a handful of times. It was an impressive feat less because they needed a king and more because the observers were anxious to keep the young king on a leash. 

This council meeting was called hastily as the anti-ecto laws had been passed recently and the GIW as well as the Fenton parents had become bolder in their pursuit of ghosts. The Fentons had almost captured one of Danny's rogues and it was too close of a call for the council to overlook. 

On top of that Dani was supposed to be coming home today. The young clone had taken to traveling the world as soon as she was free to. Her unstable nature had forced her home only a month after departing and it had taken months to convince Danny to let her go off alone again. Her destabilization had been easy to explain, as a clone she had been created without a ghost core and with continual use of her powers and no way to replenish her energy she had used her own body's ectoplasm to feed her powers. Frostbite was unsure if she would ever form her own core as her creation was unique but Danny had pushed. The idea Danny had come up with was to take a piece of his own core and give it to Dani, maybe jump-starting her own core cultivation in the process.

After defeating pariah dark Danny had begun absorbing his core, a way of proving his claim to the throne Frostbite had explained, and with it his own core had almost doubled in power. While unstable itself as it was still settling into its new power, it was possible to take a sliver and still keep the core at a healthy level. If Danny pushed for a bigger piece than strictly necessary, well no one but Frostbite would ever know that.

The council had rioted at another ghost having a piece of the king's core, it was usual for families to share cores in times of need but a king having a royal family was unheard of. Some of the council was against it all together and some were quick to try and coronate Dani a princess. Danny did his best to shield her from the council and made her promise to visit at least once every few months and call weekly. It had been a battle but Dani had accepted conditions as well as a phone Tucker had made for her. Then she was off, traveling the world and bringing back souvenirs and stories. 

A couple years had passed like that and they had finally settled into a comfortable rhythm. A rhythm rudely interrupted by Danny’s looming birthday and his parents lack of self control. He was supposed to be at Sam’s house, ready to hug Dani when she arrived and with a whole day of movie marathons and nachos planned. Instead he was stuck pacing his entrance hall as Sam kept him updated on the happenings in the living realm. 

“Your majesty,” Frostbite rumbled, “perhaps it is time you enter the council’s chamber. An intermission can only last so long.”

The monarch hummed but didnt stop pacing. Every turn caused his layered cape to billow behind him in a strange way, as if it was floating underwater rather than being manipulated by wind. The king's crown had dulled from a fiery bonfire into a thin misty glow that wrapped in a circle over his head. Jazz would tease him for it, ‘It looks like the aurora borealis, your love of the sky bleeds into everything doesn't it?’ and she was right, though he would never admit it. Even as he combed his hand through his hair and the crown, the misty fire dissipating around his hand before gathering again, it still twinkled as if far away stars were shining in the crowns light. 

Danny spared little thought to his regalia as he paced. A wave of dread had come over him midway through the arguing and he had called a pause so they could recollect themselves. He had tried to check in with Sam but she wasn't responding. He had heard nothing from Dani either and something deep within him was screaming something was wrong. He couldn't abandon a council meeting on a hunch and honestly it was one of the few times he didn't want to have to abandon the council meeting. If only because it would mean nothing was wrong.

Dani had had some close calls over the years and while she had really come into her powers she wasn't as strong as Danny and the one time she had been hit by Maddie Fenton still held fresh in Danny’s mind.

His phone buzzed.

Sam had replied.

Eco-Terrorist: We cant find Dani

It was the only message Danny needed before he was off. Ripping a hole in the dimension himself as he crossed back to his preferred plane. He barely noticed Frostbites thoughtful hum as he moved to bring the news of the king's departure to the council.

The precious seconds Danny took to arrive at Sam’s house were spent spiraling as to all the worst things that could have happened. The fear doubled as he stepped through Sam’s wall to find her holding Dani’s phone and pacing herself. Tucker sat at the desk scouring what looked like security cameras on his laptop as Danny popped back into view.

If Sam yelped it was only because she was too stressed to try and cover it up.

“We found her phone in Amity Park, she hadn't been responding and it had been almost an hour since she was supposed to show up.” Sam stressed, she was flexing her hands around the phone. 

“Since she usually messages us if she is going to be late we decided to check if everything was alright. When we saw she was in the park and hadnt move in a while. We left immediately.” Tucker added. He had a wobble to his voice and a shine to his eyes. Danny gritted his teeth. “All we found was this.” Sam said as she threw Dani’s phone on the bed as if it had personally been the thing to commit the crime and went back to pacing, flexing her hands in and out of fists.

“Do we have any security footage that might help?” Danny asked. 

“Ive been looking but the park doesnt have much cctv except around the perimeter or playground. Its been useless. All Ive seen is the Fenton-mobile.” Tucker paused, Danny could hear him swallow as the same thought passed through all their heads. “You… you dont think…” 

“Ill go check the lab.” Danny said before he vanished. Already making his way through town as Sam and Tucker raced to follow him. 

It didnt take long for Danny to make it to his house, the ghost shields were down but the Fenton-mobile was nowhere to be seen. It gave Danny little hope but he made his way down to the basement, transforming into his human form just in case. He made his way through his kitchen and down the stairs where he looked into the lab and into his worst fear.

Dani lay still on a metal table, restraints on her arms and legs and waist as a trickle of ectoplasm dripped from her left arm onto the floor. She wasnt even in her ghost form. He jumped the stairs and made it to her in two strides. 

“Dani? Can you hear me?” Her head was lolled to the side but her eyes were open, if only barely. She blinked and squirmed slightly, making a grumbling sound before going still again. She was alive, likely drugged, definitely bleeding out. Her arm had a gash in it and two tubes attached to needles lay on the floor beside her. The tubes were tangled and thrown about, as if someone had tripped on them and then let them be. Rage bubbled within Danny but he forced himself to focus. He would not let Dani bleed out because he was too busy seething at his parents. He grabbed whatever he could use as medical supplies and wrapped Dani’s arm before trying to break her restraint.

Electricity coursed through him and he cursed. Refusing to let panic take over he turned to his parents computer instead. There had to be something that could undo the restraints and regardless he had to wipe whatever information they had on Dani. What he found was a conversation log of Maddie Fenton and an Agent W discussing payment and proper handover specifications for a ‘perfect specimen’ Maddie had found. The money was staggering and Danny’s rage almost made him crush the mouse he was holding. 

At one point, Sam had offered up the idea of destroying the lab and joining Jazz at Gotham U where she had chosen to go for college. They had toyed with the idea, saying it was for the future or it was a last resort, but ultimately never gone through with it. It was a bad idea to drag a meta equivalent to Gotham and in all honesty, Danny wasnt comfortable leaving Amity. He hated leaving the town limits even if necessary, he couldnt imagine choosing to live somewhere else. But right now, staring at his bleary, injured, unstable sister, he decided he would have to. 

His rogues would be pissed and he didnt really have a solid plan but he refused to let this happen again. To anyone.

It was little hassle to find the unlock to the restraints and erase the computer completely. His parents didn't trust the cloud and the physical copies they had would be lost in the fire. Tucker had copies of everything anyway. Dani moved to sit up but really only managed to roll off the table. Danny caught and he shared some of his ectoplasm to try and help her heal. It wasnt much but she started to regain lucidity.

“Danny?” she whispered and Danny hummed in response. Their cores hummed at each other, the harmony encouraging her healing. A boom rattled the building, it was far away but it snapped Danny back to the present. They didnt have time to sit there, he didnt know when his parents would be back and he needed to leave. 

He laid Dani on the floor as he went around and dismantled as many things as he could, leaving the vulnerable pieces in the open. Finally he turned to take the ectoplasm filter that powered the entire house. When he ripped it off its mantle alarms started blaring and he turned and grabbed Dani, hauling her up into his arms as he ran up the stairs. He heard her giggle something about bumpy rides and he was out the door and barrelling towards his beat up car parked across the street. 

Jazz had given it to him for his sixteenth birthday. Apparently she had originally planned to buy it for herself for her move to Gotham but Sam had managed to convince her parents to buy Jazz a brand new car. Something about the public transportation system being dangerous and it being the first thing Sam had asked for that had been manageable. It was beat up and an old red but Danny loved the car and used it often. He worried he would have had to keep his parents away from it, in case they try and ghost proof it but they never even noticed it. He parked it across the street and they just assumed it was the neighbors. No one had lived in the houses around them for years.

He shoved Dani into the passenger side before hoping the hood and sliding into the drivers seat. He didnt know he could do that.

Shoving his key into the ignition the engine roared to life. He managed to get down the street before his house exploded. The shockwave sent the car forward and he managed to catch Dani’s head before it met the dash. His windows rattled but none of them broke, a small victory he thought. 

His mind flashed to all the things he had had in his room, his home. His memories, his souvenirs from Dani, all his space and nasa memorabilia, all his clothes and any pictures he thought were important. His family, his friends, his school, his only solid portal to the Infinite Realm. 

His emergency supplies.

“Fuck.” he whispered as he kept driving. Dani giggled and said something like ‘language’ but Danny was too busy swerving through traffic to hear her. His phone buzzed and he jolted, he maneuvered to pull it from his pocket as he tried to check it only to barely miss an oncoming car and drop it into the footwell of Dani’s seat. He cursed again and kept driving. He wasnt going to stop until he was well and out of Amity. He focused on driving and harmonizing with Dani as he drove. 

As they raced across Amity his core began to pulse with panic. The lingering pain from losing his home exploding into waves of fear.

He wasnt stopping. The pulsing grew more intense and Dani whimpered in her sleep. He tried to calm down but something felt so intrinsically wrong with leaving and his core felt like it was going to burst.

The pressure grew as they got closer and closer to Amity’s border and as they crossed it something in Danny popped. 

He almost blacked out from the pain. The car swerving as he tried to regain control of himself. Something had broken and it felt like he was tilted on an axis. He could barely see and was forced to pull over. His breathes came in short painful gasps and he bit back a scream. He was trying to ride through the pain when his phone rang. Grasping for it he picked up and brought it to his ear.

“Danny? We saw the explosion, are you ok? Did you find Dani?” Sam said, crackling over the phone.

“Mhm. Dani is with me. We are going to Gotham.” Pain cracked his voice as he struggled to breathe. “ ‘s not safe. Need Jazz.” Was all he could manage before he was heaving.

“Danny! Stay where you are. We have ectoshots with us and we can-” Sam was cut off by an explosion behind Danny’s car. He whipped around to see a white van crashing through traffic. Danny slammed his foot on the gas and turned back to the road. The pain in his chest dulled as his desperation to protect Dani slammed back in full force. 

“Meet. In. Gotham.” Was all he could growl before he hung up the phone and drove in what he hoped was the direction north east. 

~~

currently obsessing over dpxdc shenanigans

I just love seeing danny act like a cornered animal

#sorry about the spelling #danny phantom #danny fenton #dani phantom #batfam #creative writing #fanfic #for funsies #mostly just for me but i like feedback #Danny lost his haunt #whomp whomp #cracked ghost core #Dani slays #Tucker and Sam will be important later #probably #rn its Dani n Danny focused #dpxdc #dp x dc crossover #dp x dc fanfic #ok ill stop tagging now

[mattodore]

- if i were around when you were younger...

- what, you'd have stopped it? you couldn't even help yourself.

- but i could have wiped the blood off your face.

#simblr #the sims 4 #sims 4 #ts4 #ts4 edit #ts4 screenshots #echthroi #matthias evanoff #theodore doe #a burning house to live in #river dipping #🦇 #i'm not going to tag their parents because i'm honestly still trying to figure out how i want to name them... #so far the only one whose name i'm certain on is matthias's mom. her name is estera. #anyway............. this post. hm. #honestly i'm not very happy with these and i feel like i kind of hit a wall where it's like okay i'm picturing THIS #but can't accomplish it the way i want b/c of my skill level and the limitations of the sims #whomp whomp....... for what it means to me though i have to love it anyway. there are some details i really love too. #specifically in the first photo... i'm really happy with the way i've posed matthias... like you can tell how drawn #he is to theo from the moment you look at it... from the subconscious raising of his left foot to follow after theo while still sitting #to even how his fingers are twitching like the first movement of muscle after being so still... all from a mere glimpse of theo #i also really love how theo's protecting himself in every frame.... yeah....... ugh. #i'm proud of those aspects. um but here this is... they're reflections of each other etc. etc. #sad i had to size these down so much for them to not be blurry but y'know how it is......... slings and arrows #i'll answer that ask from the other day now kjdfnhknj said i'd do it earlier but got distracted by simblr for like. five hours. oops. #OH. and i'll post cas pics so you can see their faces in better detail. #i really love how theo's mother came out :-) #also theo................................. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[stick-by-me]

It's getting serious 💥

New follower sticker for: @m0ths0ft!

#stickers #sticker collection #New follower sticker! #My spidey sense tells me ur a Spiderman fan #So I wanted to give u some comicy stickers :D #Anyway tag urself #I'm whomp <3 #Miscellaneous #Comics #Words #Fun #cool #Textured #Puffy! #Paper projects brand #Fun fact I bought these in the UK! #Feels silly cuz I just found them on Amazon but they're still Cool and Foreign to ME

[paperdoll201]

next chapter of disguise will be coming out sometime tomorrow or the next day depending if my classes are suspended again. it’s shorter tho (by a bit apologies, forgive me 🥹) but it’s only cause i wanted to put something out cause i kinda forgot where i was going with the story and I fear the longer i waited, the entire plot would be completely lost on me

#my loose leaf thoughts #no extra tags today whomp #limoreau

[slocumjoe]

I thoroughly enjoy your takes on the relationship between Danse and Hancock post-BB, with Hancock being the local cat and laying on Danse every chance he gets because He Gets Him. It's very, very sweet and it really seems like the kind of reaction I'd expect out of Johnny given his personality.

YOU FOOL, YOU GAVE ME AN EXCUSE TO TALK AT LENGTH ABOUT MY ENEMIES-TO-FRIENDS FANFIC ARC

Trigger warnings for suicide, self-harm, drug use, alcoholism, sexual assault/groping, and a mental breakdown. This is not fun.

Also this is insanely long. It's so long. This took me 4 hours to type with a single 2-Taco break. Is if fanfic if there's only, like, 5 bits of dialog? Is this fanfic? Oh my God what is wrong with me

Hancock's (and the others') opinion of Danse starts shifting sometime during the Minuteman arc, when Augustijn starts really greasing the wheels to get the Minutemen up and at 'em.

So, they've all had some time to get to know Danse on a basic level. Hancock, in particular, knows him enough to know he fucking hates him. Everything about him. The way he talks, the tones he takes, his goody-two-shoes speel when he's an asshole. Everything. Hancock cannot fucking stand him and is constantly going at Danse's throat, sometimes just because he's bored and it's so easy to piss him off, sometimes he's genuinely hoping Danse starts a fight that Hancock can and will finish.

But then they go through one of the settlements, one day. Hancock kind of wanders off. Not too far, but away from the gang. A few people see a ghoul on his own and try it. He gets swarmed, they're trying to make him throw the first hit thinking he won't but there's a lot more of them, and Gus and the others have moved on. So, Hancock's in a bad fucking way—

—until a big, metal hand blocks a bat aimed at his dome.

Danse gives the assholes one hard look, and very few wastelanders will look up at a T50 helmet and think they stand much chance. But Danse gets in front of Hancock anyway, arm still out and over him. His would-be attackers slink off quick.

Danse makes sure Hancock isn't injured, then asks he not wander off like that again, for that very reason. Not even angry, or annoyed, or derisive. Just genuinely worried about his safety. And walks him back to the others.

Hancock has no fucking idea what to think of that exchange.

Danse sees Hancock wander off, he follows him, he sees he was in danger, he helps him.

Hancock would not have done the same for Danse. And it fucking bothers him that, despite everything, Danse still went out of his way, looking out for him. Next time they camp for the night, he has Isadora go ask the big guy about it. Fuck no, he's not asking himself.

Isa reports back that Danse just...thinks he has to. It's his job to make sure all of these civilians are safe. He does it for everything else, why wouldn't he then? Hancock was in danger. Danse is the guy who gets in front and takes the danger himself. It's that simple to him.

See, Danse is the dude in Power Armor. Danse takes the hits in a fight, because they bounce right off. Deathclaws? Danse gets in front. Mutants? Danse gets in front. And, apparently...bigots? ...Danse gets in front of those...too...despite...what the fuck?

If Hancock didn't hate Danse before, he certainly does now, because now Danse has gone and made shit complicated. He likes his jackasses nice and simple with nothing deeper than the skin, and...whatever that was, that was layered. And Hancock doesn't like thinking too much about people he can't stand. Especially not when he might just think they're not that bad.

The same thing happens with Nick, somewhere in Diamond City. Someone scared and mistrustful and thinking old Valentine went and turned coat, they attack Nick in broad daylight, take a shovel at him. Danse is there before they get a hit in. Nick. He goes out of his way to keep Nick safe. And where Hancock loathes him for it, Nick gets something of a respect for the guy.

Hancock talks to others, when its private. Preston isn't sure what to think of him, but Preston keeps his cards close to his chest, so who knows. Bobby thinks he's fine when he isn't talking. Piper gets irritated when he fusses over her, her recklessness. No one really knows what to make of this one fucking guy, beyond finding him pretensious and self-righteous.

So it's just Hancock, who's really turning Danse over in his head. But Nick, he's clearly got an opinion, got a read on crew-cut. He just doesn't share with the class. But Hancock thinks Nick sees something in him, because he takes utmost care to make coffee the way Danse seems to like it. Hancock confronts him on this, and the old bag of bolts just shrugs, says, "Well, he deals with things we don't want to deal with. We owe him that much, don't we?"

On Danse's side, Hancock isn't notable. Hancock is one of many in this motley group that dislikes him and wants him gone. Danse keeps to himself anyway, and is used to being the odd one out. To him, it doesn't matter. His job is to protect them and join Knight Reinier on his mission. What he thinks of Reinier's group is irrelevant. He does his job even if they don't want him to. What, is he supposed to let them die? Just because they don't like him? Abhorrent. Even if Hancock seemingly wants to gut him and is a nightmare to deal with, he is under his protection. Regardless how either of them feel about it.

Hancock notices this about Danse and fumes. He doesn't want to be taken care of by someone he fucking loathes. He hates debts. He hates morality and shit not making sense. He hates feeling like he doesn't have all the answers already.

This confusion...continues? Worsens? When Danse's nature is revealed.

Augustijn is off in the Institute, tentatively trying to broker peace, get Isadora the title of Director, when the gang gets the word. They're waiting at the Boston Airport at the teleporter. Danse was left at the Sentinel Site. Maxson storms down from his blimp, asks if any of them knew about Danse.

The Brotherhood is hunting Danse, now.

Haylen catches them as they leave to find him. Tells them where to go. Hancock can't stop making jokes and laughing. It's funny. It's ironic. It's a great joke to play on someone. It's perfect. It's the best punishment ever. It might just mean Danse finally—

Danse might—

The others, some of them saw it coming. Hancock didn't. If he did, he'd have rubbed it in Danse's face, stuck it in place of his name, spat it out at him with a grin.

They get to that bunker, Nick, Dogmeat, and Curie take the elevator down. X6-88, a courser who should really be trying to capture Danse, is off to the Institute to get Gus and Isa.

They wait outside. Nick and Curie don't come up the elevator. Cait wonders if Danse really did kill himself. She turns the thought over in her head, and says it seems fitting even if she hadn't thought of it before. Preston turns green where he stares at the setting sun and agrees. Says he always thought about it. Danse almost always took nightshift. So did Preston. They'd argue over it, insist the other one needed sleep more. "Most people want to sleep," Preston says, and by his face alone, Hancock really does think Danse is fucking dead down there.

He takes the elevator. He has to know.

Maybe he's—maybe it's because of himself. Maybe Hancock remembers sitting in an old ruin, huffing poison, so desperate he actually prayed that it'd kill him. He hates Danse. Hates him. Does he hate him that much? Maybe its principle. I want to kill you myself, so you can't—

He gets down there. Hears Nick. Hears Curie. Doesn't hear Danse. But Nick is talking, addressing him, the situation, so he must be alive. Curie promises Augustijn should be there soon, please take a moment to breathe. Danse laughs and Hancock about shits himself because that isn't a noise Paladin Fucking Danse makes, and he never wants to hear that fucking noise again.

It takes so long. Nick talks and talks and talks, and so does Curie, and Danse barely says anything. Danse rarely talked, anyway. It's normal for him. He's a quiet guy. Keeps to himself. He never joined in conversation. Hancock liked that about him, he knew when he wasn't wanted. Hancock wonders if he would have ever spoken to them if they didn't try and fuck with him. Deacon would move his tools in garages. MacCready pestered him with inane questions to see how deep he'd scowl. Cait and Hancock both loudly discussed if he was a virgin.

It sets in, there.

Hancock tried to, too. Hancock went through with it and it didn't take. Danse was still going. He was letting Nick talk. Letting Dogmeat whine at his legs. Letting Curie check his arms, take his weaponry.

Danse had every reason to do it. Every reason, and no reason not to. No one would miss him, pity him. It was his job, anyway. He could have done it and Hancock would have thrown a party celebrating that the fuckhead was dead. But he didn't. He didn't. He wasn't going to. He fucking wanted to, God knows that, Nick never stopped talking him down, but Danse didn't do shit and Hancock didn't know if that made him a coward or—or—

Gus and Isa showed up. Augustijn threw himself at Danse. Isa told Hancock the old man, his baby? Shaun. Gone. Gone for good. They were at his bedside. Saw him off.

Hancock hears Augustijn sob, turns to peek into the window. Danse holds Augustijn like he himself has no problems in the world, like he's already forgotten he's a synth. Hancock leaves and Isa follows him out. Everything after that is a blur, save for Maxson showing up. Then things are a blur again. Danse tries to stay the bunker. Preston, shaky in the legs after his General tried to fistfight the Elder of the Brotherhood, says fuck no.

Curie and X6 took Danse back to Sanctuary. The rest of them got to watch Maxson and Desdemona agree, for once, as Isadora insisted they not blow up the Institute. Hancock remembers jackshit else.

The Minutemen take over the Institute with the Brotherhood and Railroad's help, and Isa gets her very own group to boss around. Synths get taken care off, the Institute stops being shitheads, the Brotherhood sticks around to make sure Isa keeps her promises.

Hancock pretends it didn't happen. He still torments Danse. He still pesters him. Danse reacts...better. He lets Hancock do it, doesn't defend himself. Hancock brings it up, teases him, regrets it immediately even if Danse doesn't react. He doesn't do that again.

They go back to Sanctuary. Augustijn is a wreck. Isadora is below ground, hard at work. Hancock finds Danse. It's like nothing happened. He acts the same. Seems the same. Augustijn frets over him before duty calls him away. Gus and Isadora are gone, trying to figure out the new political sphere of the Commonwealth. The rest of them take a well-earned break.

Danse kind of vanishes.

They know he's there, he's around. Just working. Always on guard duty, always performing maintenance. They don't see him. That's usually how it is, so Hancock thinks it's fine. He goes to buy more chems. Lady there says hey, that guy you always bitched about? I think he's loosening up, finally. Been buying grape mentats.

He knows he should say something and he doesn't. He likes chems. Its good that Danse is doing them, now. Its good. And grape mentats! Maybe he'll finally make friends, be tolerable. Maybe he'll even get laid. Next time Hancock sees him, Danse has dropped too many pounds. He tells himself its fine.

The wasteland gets its peace. The Institute is going to actually help, now. The RR and BOS won't go to war with anyone. To celebrate, they all go drinking. Preston and Curie drag Danse along but they all lose him in a corner pretty quickly. Hancock sends some shots his way but doesn't pay attention. No one does. They party and forget that Danse is there at all. Hancock turns around and Danse is gone. He asks the bartender if he noticed where he went. Out the door, he says. Got himself a friend for the night, looks like. Danse doesn't do that. Hancock trips and breaks his stool, he's out of that bar so fast. Finds Danse barely standing in the alley and his 'friend' is far too handsy. Cait deals with her. He didn't realize Cait was behind him but he focuses on getting Danse...somewhere. Fucker is pretty light. He shouldn't be.

Hancock ends up dropping him anyway. Sees his face and almost pukes because he knows that fucking look and this is his fault. He kept sending him shots. He didn't look at him once, or invite him over to the bar. He left him to chug alone in a corner when all of them were partying. Danse was in trouble and just like he thought he would, Hancock didn't do shit.

He tries to pick him up again. Danse takes one heaving breath and drops his face in the dirt and cries. Hancock looks at Cait and she's off to find Nick, or Curie, or anyone who doesn't hate Danse.

He doesn't know what to do. He just pats his back awkwardly. Danse, whenever one of them was upset, always offered a hug. They usually took it. MacCready took it. Isadora took it. He even hugged Curie, the first time she couldn't save someone. Danse admitted, once, that he just never knew what else to do.

So Hancock pulls him up and hugs him. Tries to. Danse is heavy even if he's dropped a third of his weight and Hancock goes stumbling down against the wall, with a drunk, hurt Danse in his lap. He thinks its working, having his arms around him, until Danse starts babbling.

It's exactly what you would expect and yet Hancock isn't ready for it. You hear it from yourself, its normal. You hear it from someone else and its the worst thing you've ever heard. But the worst part is that Danse keeps saying sorry. Sorry for crying, for being drunk, for being heavy, for being awful, for being alive. He's sorry, a million times he's sorry.

Hancock never once wanted it. Not before, when he really did hate him, and not now, not like this. He tries to quiet him down, tell him its fine, but then Danse starts begging him to kill him. Thats when his heart starts beating so loud he can't hear anything else, when everything gets blurry again.

Nick shows up. Helps drag him to a hotel room. Shushes him when he begs for death because he can't kill himself, he promised Augustijn he wouldn't, and just flops him on the bed. Hancock throws up in the bathroom.

Nick says he'll stay and keep an eye on Danse. Hancock digs through Danse's coat, finds the key to his apartment somewhere in the Concord district.

It's not as bad as he was expecting, but worse in a different way. There's a present for Piper's birthday half-wrapped, a box of her favorite lemon candy that's so expensive, she doesn't even look at it when they find it. A photo album of his time in the Brotherhood. Booze everywhere. No decor. It's lonely and small, like Listening Post Bravo. What worries Hancock is that there's weaponry. He finds an empty box and shoves all of Danse's kitchen knives in, his forks and spoons too so he can't stab himself or scoop out his eyes. He even debates taking his coffee machine. They're like toasters, right? Could he kill himself with one? But then Hancock says fuck it. He isn't letting Danse stay here period. Not like this. The knives and forks and spoons can stay. He takes the coffee pot anyway, because it made a truly rancid noise when he unplugged it and it stinks of burnt circuitry. Danse deserves better.

He finds Nick the next morning and tells him everything. The mentats, the weightloss, Danse's shitty apartment, everything that Hancock's been worried about and then some. Nick tells Hancock that he already knew about the mentats. Danse woke up in the night and puked and it was purple. Neon purple.

Hancock laughs at it, tells Nick he kept sending Danse shots when he was on chems and wonders when he'll stop being a shitty friend. Nick claps him on the shoulder and tells him shitty friends don't care about coffee pots.

He goes to see Danse, first thing when the sun is up. Big guy's face down on his pillow, face pickle-green and scrunched up as Curie lists off various coping mechanisms in place of alcohol and drugs. Hancock shoos her away. Danse asks Hancock if he's willing to tell him what the fuck happened. Nick won't. Curie doesn't know. Cait only said she 'dealt with it' and 'it won't be happening again' and 'they'll never find her' and 'she had pineapple gum on her, do you want some?'

Hancock tells him, and over the retelling of the shitshow from last night, comes to appreciate just how expressive Danse can be. His scowls were always incredible to watch, like his very skull was scrunching up. The thought is all he has to get through it without...puking again? Crying? Grabbing him by the shoulders and screaming at him for the love of fuck, we don't hate you?

Danse blinks owlishly. Clicks his tongue. Shrugs, slaps his knees, and stands to leave. Says it was unfortunate and he won't be doing it again, he's so sorry for the inconvenience—wait, why do you have my coffee pot?

Hancock looks at the fucking coffee pot under his arm, and looks at Danse, and gives it to him straight. He's too exhausted for anything else. He has it because it's shitty. Its a shitty coffee pot from a shitty apartment in a shitty part of Sanctuary. Danse is a fucking tech genius, or whatever, if he wanted a good coffee pot he could make one. He could spend money on one, and not lemon candy for Piper. He could borrow one, or get coffee at the little Cafe down his street that gives it free. Its a shitty machine and its shitty that he puts up with it, just like he puts up with all of them being shitty, even long after he arguably deserved it. He doesn't deserve shitty coffee. Nick got that before anyone else did. Danse doesn't deserve half of what he's ended up with. Hancock hates him but he hates himself more, so that just means he fucking hates that Danse is ending up the same way Hancock did. Burying everything in chems and booze and acting like nothing is wrong, or if it is, it doesn't bother him. He hates that he got what he wanted, Danse miserable and hating himself as much as Hancock does and one bad day away from killing himself. Most of all, he hates how little he could blame him if he did, and he hates how Danse really did end up being the better, bigger man who had to decency to feel bad about it all.

They stare at each other for a minute.

Hancock throws the stupid fucking coffee maker across the room and stands and screams we never fucking hated you either! They just didn't know him! He never let them! They never let him let them! It was an endless cycle of Danse being stand-offish, so they'd keep away, and then he'd take the hint and stand even farther away, so they'd keep fucking doing it, and look where it's led, you're so far away, we don't even know where the fuck you are to reach out and fucking help you!

Danse asks why Hancock should feel bad. He looks at Danse and asks how the fuck he ever got that T50 helmet on, having a skull that fucking thick. Danse was a shithead but so were all of them, so was Hancock. And then the big idiot shakes his head, looks like a kicked puppy, says he never hated them, did they all think that? He was hard on them but he never meant to—

You'd think he'd spoken in tongues, or grown his nose back. Danse looks a mix of hurt, confused, and guilty. Hancock doesn't want him to be any of that, he wants him to fucking understand. He wants him to see that it isn't just Augustijn who's scared for him. And he doesn't know how to make him see that, if Danse could ever see that.

Danse just...looks at the corpse of his coffee machine.

And again, apologizes for the heinous fucking crime of not doing a good enough job at powering through the worst time of his life for all of their comfort. How dare he bother them. Hancock wonders if this is how people feel looking at him, listening to his bullshit. But at least Hancock can look people in the eye while he does it. Danse stares at that broken, thrown away piece of garbage with a lump in his throat and looks like he wants to crumple into a ball and die on the floor.

"I know you're weird about the ghoul thing, but seriously, man, do you need a hug?"

"...pardon?"

"Do you want a fucking hug?"

His eyes water and widen and he flinches like he's been shot, and Hancock decides fuck it, if he doesn't like it, he can chuck me across the room.

Danse...probably likes it? He does—well, he doesn't do a lot of crying, he cried everything out last night. But there's crying. Buries his big stupid head in Hancock's shoulder and clings to him like a kid does a teddy bear after a nightmare. Hancock has always been a hands-on, touchy guy. He doesn't mind cuddling this asshole if that means he won't hop off a bridge come lunch. But his spine doesn't like the weight of Danse nor being bent to accommodate his height. Tall asshole. Hancock just kinda...shoves him at the bed. Makes to sit down. Sitting down becomes laying down. Hancock accepts his fate. He didn't sleep last night anyway.

Later, Curie re-enters and finds Hancock underneath a cried-to-sleep brick shithouse of a man. She only barely manages to not smile.

Once Danse wakes up, Hancock has made note of three things: Danse is very cuddly and honestly, is a top-tier cuddle-buddy, warm as hell; Danse is very pliable when he's just woken up; he's accepted that maybe he and Danse aren't so different, and if Danse is as stubborn as Hancock, getting him to knock off the destructive shit will take bartering.

Danse is not an easy man to barter with, Hancock knows. And he'll catch on if Hancock starts at 50, and if 50 doesn't cut it. Hancock goes right to 100 and tells Danse he'll cut way back on chems if Danse starts taking care of himself again, or at least lets himself be taken care of.

If there's anything that can get Hancock to do something, it's vindication. Danse has always been iffy on Hancock's liberal chem use. Of course the idea of getting his way, of winning that little battle, would be too tempting. Danse takes the bait. Hancock resigns himself to chem use only on weekends and holidays, and takes some pride in having convinced the prickliest cactus to let himself be vulnerable.

Augustijn comes back a week later. No one sees either of them. But the next time Hancock does see Danse, he's put some pounds back on. The chemist says he's stopped coming in. Hancock siccs Piper and Codsworth on Danse's apartment to decorate it. Piper finds her birthday present. Danse spends two hours scrubbing her red lipstick off his face, complaining about the surprise being ruined the whole time.

Shit gets weird when the little synth kid shows up. Given everything with Shaun, and who Augustijn is, just as a person, that kid was always gonna be weird and messed up. Danse takes to him immediately. If the kid isn't with his dad (adopted dad?), he's with Danse, in the garage, at the river, down at the farms, walking Dogmeat. Hancock thinks its a good look on him, a kid on his shoulders, in his arms, holding his hand. Even more so when Danse gets back to his old weight. And then a little more. Then quite a bit more, especially in the chest and thighs. And then Danse starts smiling, gets laugh lines. Cait and Deacon make a drinking game out of swatting away the 'honeyflies' whenever they start surrounding. Something about a big, bulky man being fatherly to a skittish kid just drives people fucking wild. Danse develops a taste for ugly ass button ups, and not even his fashion sense scares them off.

Hancock takes him for beer, occasionally, through it all. Buys him dinner just to be sure he's eating. Watches how Danse changes bit by bit. He puts fat on in the legs before anything else, then the stomach, then the arms. His cheeks fill out quickly, too. He makes a lot more jokes than Hancock thought. They're just delivered so straight, you don't notice if you don't know to look for them. Once Hancock starts looking, they're everywhere. He wonders how many he's made that Hancock took as an earnest remark, and gave him crap for. He asks. Danse just grins, all shit-eating.

They go out for drinks. It starts as Hancock just wanting to check up on him. It turns into Hancock's favorite part of the week. He finds him fascinating. Danse is a history nerd, of course he is. He's wistful for simple pleasures, like live music, or fishing, or sports, if only for the fact that they're symbolic of peace. He has strong opinions on mirelurks. He actually isn't a virgin and admits that his first and only time was so his at-the-time squadmates would stop giving him shit for not having sex. He has reoccurring nightmares about his best friend, and he still misses the guy so much, he doesn't want the nightmares to stop because they're all he has left of him. He has it bad for Gus but he loves Theo so fucking much, he feels like the kid's Pops whether he gets with his dad or not. He's better with the synth thing, what really bothers him is how he acted and treated others, and how it took being one of them for him to see it was wrong.

Hancock finds him sweet, dorky, heartbreakingly sentimental, underneath all those scowls and grumbles.

He has to admit that he likes this guy.

What really sells him on Danse is how much he'll let you do, if you're close enough.

Hancock is touchy. Hancock is always cold. Danse is very warm and, having gained a lot more weight than he lost, very soft and comfy. Danse is touch-starved.

Danse becomes his travel mattress, portable chair, teddy bear, space heater, pillow, et cetera. Giant soft thing filled with fluff and warm. And Danse lets him. Danse lets Hancock play with his surprisingly soft hair, rub his shoulders, tuck under his chin, lay across his shoulders like a scarf...

It's a cosmic joke.

It's more of a cosmic joke than Danse being a synth. Hancock could have been using this fucker as a bed the whole goddamn time. He'd seen Danse be cool with ghouls before. Wiseman at the slog. That ghoul kid near Quincy. Kent. Even fucking Daisy, hell, Daisy liked Danse. The whole time, the whole fucking time, Hancock could have had a giant, warm, soft teddy bear. But no. But no. The teddy bear had to go through the the fucking wringer first.

He tells Danse as much. Danse laughs, loud and rosy-cheeked, in a flamingo print shirt, and says it fluffed him up.

#fallout 4 #fo4 #paladin danse #and hancock too but he doesnt have a tag so whawha #whomp whomp?? #anyway HERES THE CONTEXT FOR THE COFFEE #IVE MENTIONED NICK AND DANSE AND COFFEE SO MANY TIMES ON THIS BLOG. HERE IS THE CONTEXT FINALLY #YOU FUCKERS THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A RUNNING GAG #N #O #THE COFFEE WAS ALWAYS SIGNIFICANT MOTHER FUCKERS

[quietrobots]

number one cloudy 2 Flint defender until the day I die sorry guys

based on this trend

#i can't draw children whomp whomp #this is so scraggillie but i'm putting it in the main tags anyways #sorry the artbook text is so gross I took them from a scan not pictures I took myself #cwacom #flint lockwood #I love being deep about a man who is not really that deep #also I know this was not done on purpose #I'm just projecting #quietroart

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks ����

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

[yami-yomiel]

It’s about Jonah - Ghosttrickanon (for @the-minidela-catalouge )

Now bare with me but imagine you’re outside, in the cold, you’re pretty much on the brink of either passing out or dying. Eventually you hear the crunching of snow, but you’re unsure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. You’re too cold to be scared , or even defend yourself. Soon a shadow looms over you, crouching down to get a better look of your tiny body. ‘Poor thing’ he muttered. You could see the condensation from his lips as he mumbled something inaudible.

Jamming his hands in his coat, he pulled out a pair of brown gloves- which were probably cheap given the small holes. The figure soon brushed away the snow that had fallen on you, trying to find where your head starts and where your feet end. Soon the giant scooped you up, wrapping his fingers under your chest and legs, rubbing his thumb over your wings and arms. A look of concern washes over his face - his dark brows creasing along with nervously biting his lip - as he promptly put you in his pocket and trudged off. Now in his pocket you couldn’t see much , but you could definitely feel it - the creme almost brown fleece that lined the jacket along with a few Trinket in there, which made you recoil as they were chilled. You felt incredibly stiff and borderline frozen at worse but you still tried to warm yourself up, tucking in your wings and curling up in a little corner of said pocket. However, this moment didn’t last long as you were soon taken out, and laid out on what seems to be a coffee table. Your new surroundings were a lot warmer but your digits still felt frigid -

You caught a glimpse of the man who saved you: Deep almond skin with curly dark hair, with what seems to be hints of lavender. His coat was a chocolate brown and his sweater was a pale white. He seemed to be in a rush, looking under the seat cushions and pillows , eventually finding what he was looking for. A decently sized blanket. It was really all he had at the moment , but it’s the gesture that counts right? Anyways, he swaddled you - to the best of his abilities - and sat on the couch, placing you directly onto his lap.

[this is where i stopped cuz i didn’t know where to go from here haha - but just know, i wanted to have an Adam cameo and Jonah talking to the lil guy.]

#The mandela catalouge g/t #ghosttrickanon #g/t writing #unfinished literatrue whomp whomp #I dunno what else to tag this auuuuuuugh >;[ feel free to suggest something i guess

[danketsuround]

merry sunday six except it's monday and therefore christmas in japan. today i offer...... nothing. next week..........? who knows............

#sorry guys im traveling today #and #i died this past week again #i wanted to write a xmas thing but i didnt whomp whomp #thanks for tagging me though! #text

[adulting-sucks]

😂😂😂

#so good #marvel #marvel and tag team #whomp there it is #this is fantastic

[maddipoof]

9 people you want to know better

thank you for the tag @katsu28 (i am also very very obsessed with ted lasso and being in london rn is only fueling that)

Last song: The Puzzle by Alex Turner

Currently watching: does Mystery Files and Puppet history count?, rewatching Brooklyn 99, Outlander

Currently Reading: A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf

Latest Obsession: Puppet History, Ted Lasso himself, Hiccup Haddock, crocheting, Hobie Brown

no pressure <3: @starlit-epiphany @beezywriting @masivechaos @munsonsreputation @countryboylullaby @storyofaromance @on-my-contrarian-sh1t @whenjasfallsinlove @whennyxfallsinlove @haydipoof

#i tagged ten people by accident #i didn’t want to leave my sister out #whomp whomp #tag games <3 #kait💜

[krispycreamsicle]

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#okay so. i'm taking the lsat on friday (the day after my fucking birthday whomp whomp) #and i've been just. so so anxious about it. to the point where i've been wondering if it's best if i just postpone it for a month #you only get a limited number of attempts. and i don't really feel like i'm *ready* so i don't want to waste one of the few chances i have #but at the same time i'll probably do well enough regardless to get into a decent school #but i don't think i'll be able to do good enough to get a score that give me a decent shot at the schools i *want* to get into you know #idk. i feel like i should probably just bite the bullet and take it. especially because i'm pretty sure i can't get my money back #but i'm anxious! anxious enough to post about it on tumblr kjhgfghjk #krispy's personal tag #aahhhhh.. idk friends wish me luck. i'm gonna need it kjhghj

[broomsticks]

anywayyyy all this talk of prank HCs and bookmarks has me back on my shilling for poppies in october bullshit (literally hands down wolfstar ship manifesto full stop period end of story)

@tahtahfornow 😍😍😍😍😍

fic excerpts below

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#crying forever #whomping willow incident #ttfn tag #hp fics #my fic recs

[sulphur-and-honey]

tips for teens, not the kind you see in magazines, or the kind you see on tv screens, but a secret, more sinister, third kind

#if you know the song this is referencing I’ll love you forever #tips for teens #Sparks #Sparks memes #whomp that sucker #memes #shitpost #but a secret third thing #I assume this is how you tag idk I’m not original enough for this to be an issue usually #music #music memes

[yusukenui]

The post you reblogged from me was a picture from like volume 14 💀

there’s now 24 released volumes (and way more chapters online) and trust me Mika looks WAAAAAAAY different 😅

gah damn 💀✋️... no wonder the style looked dif

i was really confused when i saw the chap # in ur tags but i dont really keep up with updates, unless they show up on my dash so i was like "yeah that number makes sense 😃👍" 😭

#thank god i didnt leave in my tag saying: so is this before or after mika exploded 💀 #cause i was like oh mikas alive again 🤨 #i checked if 🥭go had any of the more recent updates but they left it at 115 </3 whomp whomp

[popicoooo]

KotS | Galatra | Fun facts 1

In Galatra, it is traditional for people to only have first names, and instead use family crests on official documents, letters, etc.

Family crests change to add in married couples- usually a flower, star, or another smaller detail as families get more complex.

It is traditional for everyone in the family to add said details to their crest, but it is a forgiven offense from older family members to “forget” them when signing.

The bigger family will usually envelop the smaller family into their crest, but this can change depending on economic status.

Wealthymen, a sub-class of the high economic class originating in the western region of Galatra, have started adapting the foreign tradition of last names to be more appealing to traders. Some families use crests and last names depending on which market they are dealing in, but most just use last names as a statement to their “strive for progress.”

The invention of stamps was controversial for a time as the drawing of family crests, specifically the quality of drawling, was one way for noblemen (pre-industrial era royalty, aka courtsmen) to distinguish themselves from lower class families. To continue to painstakingly draw one’s family crest is seen as a virtue to their character and honorable to their family, but also old-fashioned and silly.

#writers of tumblr #creative writing #kingdom of the supernatural #kots #lore #book lore #background #setting lore #wanna tag fun facts but don’t wanna clog actual fun facts ;-; #Galatra #Story fun fact series #doing this instead of writing #whomp whomp