#you better not fuck this up for us; monkey bastard
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He’s driving me crazy; I hate him (I love him); His character could go literally any direction and I haven’t been in this conundrum in YEARS!
#One piece#one piece admirals#kizaru#borsalino#egghead spoilers#you better not fuck this up for us; monkey bastard#BECOME UNCLE
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This is what I think it would happen if Katara and Azula were telling people they’re dating:
.
.
.
—————————[Aang]—————————
Aang:
Azula: I think we broke him.
Aang:
Azula: I mean I killed him once but two times seems excessive.
Katara: I don’t think he needs that reminder right-
Aang: MONKEY FEATHERS WHAT WHY WHY HER OMG KATARA WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU SHE KILLED ME YOU WERE THERE AND-
Azula: I think I’m going to make some tea while he’s letting it out.
Katara: Bring some cookies.
Azula: Sure.
————————— [Sokka] —————————
Sokka [stepping closer to azula’s face]: Mmm.
Azula: What?
Sokka: What are your intentions with my sister?
Katara: Sokka please.
Sokka: Shh, I’m not asking you.
Azula: Sure.
Azula: She helps me to be a better person every day. She taught me how to love and how to love right even though I fuck it up on a regular basis. I want to be with her for as long as she wants me there. She’s strong, smart, caring and beautiful among other things. I just love her.
Katara [on the verge of tears]: ‘Zula
Sokka [crying]: That was…
Azula: Or maybe I’m a psycho and I want to destroy your tribe from the inside pretending I’m in love with the chief’s daughter.
Sokka: And there she goes.
Katara: She’s working on it.
————————— [Suki] —————————
Suki: She put me in prison.
Katara: I know.
Suki: She made our life a living hell.
Katara: She has changed.
Suki: People don’t change.
Katara: She was a traumatized, unstable and unloved child at that time. Believed me she changed.
Azula: Auch.
Katara: Sorry sweetheart.
Suki: …well I guess it’s your call after all.
Katara: Thank you.
Suki: Just one little thing… [looks at Azula] before you put me in that prison did you try to flirt with me?
Azula:
Katara: Azula?
Azula:
Suki: OMG how did you get Katara like that was so bad you had 0 skills
Katara: AZULA
————————— [Ty lee] —————————
Ty lee: Wait wait wait
Azula: For what?
Ty lee: Nonono wait wait wait
Azula: Are you having a stroke?
Katara: Maybe she is homophobic.
Azula: She’s a kyoshi warrior.
Ty lee: No but wait wait wait.
Azula: Agni
Katara:
Ty lee: YOU LIKE GIRLS THAT WAS AN OPTION AND YOU NEVER SAID SOMETHING FUCKING BASTARD YOU KNOW THE MASSIVE CRUSH I HAD ON YOU GROWING UP I TH-[and she kept screaming for a while]
Azula: We make the soft ones yell at us it must be some kind of achievement.
Katara: My turn to make the tea.
————————— [Toph] —————————
Toph: Congrats.
Katara: And that’s it?
Toph: What do you want me to say?
Katara: We don’t usually get a positive reaction at first.
Toph: I’m better than most people but I must say it’s kinda weird that you’re fucking a purple platypus bear.
Katara: What the hell are you talki-
Azula: And that’s why she’s the only one of your friends I respect.
Katara: You’re both so freaking weird.
Toph: Don’t be ableist.
Katara: I AM NOT-
————————— [Zuko] —————————
Zuko: Katara I get why Azula is messing with me but you teaming up with her? c’mon
Katara: It is not a prank.
Azula: Why wouldn’t she team up with me? I make great plans, I conquered Ba Sing Se and I had made legendary pranks.
Zuko: Katara it’s not funny.
Katara: Zuko we’re not joking.
Azula: Do you remember the time I made you think you were a big turtle duck?
Zuko: Katara please.
Katara: Zuko.
Azula: Oh oh or that other time when I pretended I couldn’t see you so I made you think you were invisible and you went into the kitchen naked to steal sweets.
Katara: Wait he did that?
Azula: What can I say? I’m good at pranks, babe.
Zuko: STOP ALL OF THAT.
————————— [Mai] —————————
Mai: You told Zuko?
Azula: Yes.
Mai: And he thought you were joking?
Katara: Yup.
Mai: Ty lee?
Azula: Also yes.
Mai: So between them who is the one who keeps screaming? My bet is on Ty, but Zuko can really get that high pitch.
Katara: Zuko is still in denial and saying that it’s a prank.
Azula: And Ty lee is the one who keeps screaming how much I love woman and why nobody tell her sooner.
Mai: She was unbearable about her crush on you until she join the kyoshi warriors. Now I think she’s dating one of them but I guess she needs to let it out the repressed years somehow.
Azula: I don’t blame her I know i’m gorgeous.
Katara: And very humble.
Azula: You didn’t deny it.
Mai: If you keep flirting here I want to say that I have a new knife I want to test.
—————— [Zuko (Second try)] ——————
Zuko: ‘Zula drop it already. Someone was screaming for a while and my head hurts.
Azula: Zuzu I’m not fucking joking.
Zuko: Yes, you are.
Azula: And they said I’m the stubborn one.
Katara: You know what fuck it.
[Katara takes azula by the collar of her shirt and kisses her hard]
Katara: DO YOU BELIEVE US NOW?!
Zuko: I know Azula would go far for a prank but I didn’t think you would roll with it. Still, I don’t believe you.
Katara: For Agni’s sake.
Azula [looking at Katara]: so… what are your thoughts of public sex to prove a point?
Katara: Azula remind me why I love you cause I’m about to kill you and your brother.
#azula#katara#azutara#kazula#atla incorrect quotes#avatar the last airbender#avatar#aang#zuko#sokka#suki#incorrect quotes#mai#ty lee#past tyzula#i guess#atla#lgbtq#water tribe#fire siblings#fire nation#toph#toph beiphong
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What I think the Monster Trio’s Dick Look Like(NSFW)
Ft. Zoro, Luffy, Sanji
A/N: I’m a pervert…I’m bored…and I may end up drawing this so…yeah. Also this isn’t TOO descriptive considering idk how tf to describe a man’s tallywackle.
Luffy
About 4-5 inches on soft and hard. He can stretch it out so have fun with that.
He has one small vein you don’t really see or feel unless he is hard or about to cum
Pretty lightly brown and pink tip, doesn’t curve, his family jewels aren’t huge but they’re not that small either you can like pop em in your mouth ig
No pubic hair: he just doesn’t grow any down there
He cums A LOT (not as much as Sanji) and if semen And Dick has specific tastes depending on a man’s diet then they both taste terrible because of his terrible diet
Twitches uncontrollably when you blow on it
It gets friggin huge when he is using Gear 2-4
When he is in Gear 5 it naturally grows 3 inches and it’s thicker with his vein protruding out more
Zoro
Absolutely the most thickest out of the three, could compare the thickness to a banana
Pretty tan with a brown tip and pink/red undertone. Blushes a lot when he’s hard
He’s a grower not a shower; 4 inches soft, 7.2 hard.
Curved slightly to the right 2 large veins under and on top of his shaft
Hairy ass monkey down there—his happy trail is absolutely dark green with a hint of black btw
Hefty ass balls I mean what the hell man
Reminds me of a damn bull
When it does twitch you barely notice it
Just like Luffy his Dick and semen would probably not taste that great. You know how some guys say women that they’ve eaten out taste like pennies? Well yeah he’d taste like a very faint metal of some kind so hold your breath ladies
Cums like a damn river and if you don’t start breathing through your nose you will choke
His Dick print shows a lot when he wears pants so he man spreads most of the time
Will throw hands if you say his Dick is his 4th sword worth it
Sanji
Yeah let’s pretend my user name doesn’t exists and I’m totally not being biased right now.
Pretty dick it’s so pretty
He is the longest out of the three, 7.4 all around, but very skinny. He has one large vein up the side of his cock up to the tip
Speaking of tip I want his so bad
His tip is of course a pretty pink, is naturally blushed idk if that’s a thing but let’s roll with it
Alsways fucking semi hard because he is a horny bastard
Can hide it very well in his slacks usually takes him a few minutes though
His happy trail/pubic hair is so pretty, nicely trimmed for the ladies he can’t seduce and the same color of his beard.
Taste like nothing? Like skin like lick the back of your palm and that’s what it taste like.
Oh wait he smokes like a train
Okay it’s still not the best taste but it’s better than Zoro’s and Luffy’s
I heard semen can be really watery so I’m giving him that HC. Because look at him.
Once he cums he literally can’t stop it’s like him bleeding through his nose but his nose is his Dick and the blood is semen so…have fun with the mess
I Petition Oda to give this man some 🐱 before the series end tysm.
#one piece smut#TimikosMonsterTrio#one piece headcanons#black reader#one piece#sanji#sanjionepiece#sanji imagine#one piece x female reader#sanji smut#sanji x black reader#sanji x reader#female reader#one piece x black!reader#black foot sanji#x female reader#zoro headcanons#luffy smut#one piece scenario#zoro hcs#luffy#luffy headcanons#sanji headcanons#monster trio
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Her Most Holy Saint
Neptune: Hey, Pyrrha; need me to carry your books for you?
Weiss: Pyrrha, would you like to join me for tea later, I have the utmost exquisite tea for you to try?
Blake: Pyrrha, would you like to talk about the plights of the faunas?
Sun: How about we all go have lunch outside?
Ruby: Oh! We could have a picnic!
Nora: With pancakes!
Ren: Would this be satisfactory to your wishes your most holy saint?
Yang: Sound like fun to me!
Pyrrha: Thank you, thank you everyone ~! That sounds just wonderful~! Although, I don’t think pancakes are a good picnic food, Nora, maybe cakes instead~!
Ruby: That sounds nice~!
Weiss: I know some excellent cakes that go along famously with my teas!
Neptune: Would you like a cushion to rest on?
Nora: What are we waiting for, lets go have a picnic!!!
As the group cheered, and danced about their most holy saint, one bad his opinions about their little get together well known, very well known.
: Oh gods… Are we going to have a party, or are all of you having a seizure?
Jaune Arc, comes from a most prestigious family, excellent academic rating, and a first class swordsman, well like by many of the schools facility, and the only student who showed any open distain to the most holy, Saint.
Jaune: Well, answer me! Or, are your brains so dulled by such childish antics they’ve ceased to function properly?
Ruby: We’re going to have a picnic!
Nora: And, you’re not invited!
Jaune: Oh, such a pity… At least tell me where you picnic is being held, I’m pretty sure the grass could use some watering.
Pyrrha: Now, now, come on, and be nice everyone~! I’m sure, Jaune would be wonderful to have at our little picnic, oh won’t you join us please~?
Jaune: Why the hell would someone of my noble standing deal with something like you, piece of trash.
Neptune: You dare call her trash!
Jaune: ‘Dared,’ you illiterate monkey! It past tense since I already called her trash! A worthless piece of trash at that!
Yang: You looking for a beat down you bastard!
Jaune: Now, now, now, Yang. Didn’t your precious little saint ask to, oh how did it go…? Oh yes: ‘Please no fighting~! Can’t we all just get along in peace with on another~?’ Ughh… just thinking about your pathetic idealism bullshit is revolting!
Yang: Next sparing match, you’re going down!
Jaune: Down on you if I lose, or down on me if I win? Regardless of which, I’m very certain we’ll both enjoy anyway~!
Yang: You fucking bastard!!
Weiss: You revolting pig!
Ruby: You big meanie!
Jaune: Oh! I am so offended by your words! Not because they were particularly mean, but that was seriously the best you come up with?
Neptune: Do you have anything better to do than insult the, Saint, Arc?!
Jaune: Do you have anything better to do than be a massive simp?
Neptune: You… What?!
Jaune: Evidently not…
Blake: Get out of here, Arc! People like you are not welcome here!
Jaune: Wow, you really going to get faunas equality with that kind of hypocrisy? Gods! I understand why this pack of simpleton’s shadow you like the plague, the hell are you doing? Like attracts like I guess.
Pyrrha: I fail to understand why you are so mean to me! Whatever it is I have done to offend you, please tell me what it is, and I shall rectify the problem!
Jaune: Well, I’m offended by your general existence so… Die?
Weiss: WHAT?!
Neptune: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!
Yang: You motherfucker!
Sun: I’m go to string you up like a bunch of bananas!
Ruby: You jerk!
Nora: I’LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!!!
Jaune: Oh no… Please don’t… Haa… Whatever. I have better things to do that remind you how fucking stupid you all are. Goodbye, you bunch of intellectual equivalent to house plants.
And, with that, Jaune Arc walked away from them all, flipping the bird as he left as the rest of, Pyrrha’s posse surrounded her spouting off words of comfort to their poor Saint as she could only sadly stare at the back of, Jaune’s head.
~~~
As, Jaune walk down the halls of, Beacon whistling a tune as he went, he found himself in one of the many courtyards of, Beacon where he slowly stopped whistling, and sat down. As he sat down, he looked around him making sure he was alone, before his head fell in his hands as he tiredly groaned into them.
Jaune: Ughhhhhh… This is so exhausting?!
: Don’t worry, everything is going as planned. Relax, our Galant Knight~!
Jaune could feel a pair of arm’s messaging his shoulders as made a soft groan of comfort, he looked up into the burning eyes of his teammate, and one of his secret lovers, Cinder Fall.
Jaune: I know, it’s just so exhausting to be a complete dick to everyone!
Jaune felt a kiss against his cheek as a one, Emerald Sustari snuggled up against him.
Emerald: But, you do it so well! You just walk in, and be a complete douchebag to all of them!
Jaune: Aye, but all three of you know that, that isn’t me.
Jaune felt a hand on his shoulder to his left, and he looked over to see, Neo giving a comforting look.
Jaune: Thanks, Neo. It’s just… It feels like I’m not getting anywhere with her; She still such a goodie two shoes no matter what I do. Ugh… Do I have to be the bad guy here…?
Cinder: I know you don’t like it, Jaune, but it has to be you. Everyone thinks you’re the nicest guy around, someone has to teach the, Saint that the world isn’t all sunshine, and rainbows. And, I’m afraid that person has to be you.
Jaune: Nawww… I don’t wanna do it! Why can’t you do it, you guys can easily be way harsher than I ever could!
Emerald: And, what makes you say that?
Jaune: You’re girls. And, because of my seven sisters, I know how vicious a girl can be to another girl. It’s scary…
Cinder: Haha~! I know we could eviscerate the poor girl, but we can’t do that.
Jaune: And, why is that?
Cinder: Because, Neo is mute, and therefore can’t join is.
Neo: 😕
Emerald: And, we’re too busy pretending we enjoy hanging around those guys as we apologetically remind them all that you are a horrible, horrible person!
Jaune: But, I’m not a huge dick to people!
Emerald: Depending on the context you are~!
Neo: 🥰
Cinder: True, on both accounts. But to, Pyrrha, and the rest of them you are a huge dick.
Jaune: Haa… I understand the importance of the mission, I’m just starting to get worried is all.
Emerald: About what?
Jaune: I’m worried that we’ll fail because it doesn’t seem like I’m getting anywhere.
Cinder: Don’t worry, Jaune. We’re together on this, we can get there I know we can.
Jaune: And, how my mother will kill me if she ever found out I was talking this way to a lady…?
The trio of lover all shared a nervous glance at one another, knowing full well the wrath of the, Arc Matriarch.
Neo: 😫
Emerald: Yeah, it wouldn’t be a quick death.
Cinder: In all honesty; I fear your mother more than failing this mission.
Jaune: Oh gods…
Cinder: Don’t worry, my precious knight… (Kiss) You’ll make it through this~!
Emerald: (Kiss) Don’t worry, I’ll give you a nice calming back massage when we get back to our room.
Neo: 🍆💦 🥴
Jaune: Neo?!
Neo: 🤭
Jaune: Haa… What would I do without you girls~?
Cinder: Lets not answer that, because I’m not sure what we would do without you. Bye~!
Emerald: See you later, Jaune~!
Neo: 😘
Jaune: Till later ladies~!
Jaune waved goodbye as he watched them leave. He say down for a while longer before finally standing up, and giving his stiff muscles a good stretch before getting up. The rest was over, and now it was time for the bad guy to get to work.
~~~
Pyrrha: J-Jaune?
Jaune: Haa… The hell do you want? Hmm? Where’s your little entourage, finally grown a pair to face me yourself?
Pyrrha: I just wanted to talk, without their input on what clearly is a personal matter.
Jaune: Oh? So the little lady has a mind of her own. Colour me surprised; I thought if we turned your head right, we could see the sunlight through your ears!
Pyrrha: I don’t understand! Why do you hate me so much! I fail to see what I did was wrong to you!
Jaune: Do I need a reason?
Pyrrha: W-What?!
Jaune: Do I need a reason to hate someone, or love someone? The answer is no. Sure having a reason rationalizes it so we can focus on why we love, or hate someone, or something. But we don’t need a reason now do we?
Pyrrha: S-So you hate me, because you hate me?
Jaune: No, I don’t hate you, I despise you! There’s a difference.
Pyrrha: What difference does it make?! Why must you hate me.
Jaune: Because I can! And, that’s all that matters in the end! I don’t need a duck reason to hate you, I just do! Happy, I hate you, because I hate you! Can we call it a fay, this pointless conversation is making me tired.
Pyrrha: C-Can’t we work it out? I’m sure if we could…?!
(SLAP!)
Jaune: Shut the fuck up! I don’t care what you say, how hard to cry! I hate you!
Pyrrha: Y-Y-You hit me…? You hit me?!
Jaune: Yeah I did, what are you going to do about it, bitch!
~~~
Cinder, Emerald, and Neo were patiently waiting for the return of their friend/team leader/joint lover in their room. Each waiting to give him a treat for his hard work, and to remind him; that no matter how mean he had to be to the saint, at the end of the day, he was loved.
But suddenly, with no warning what so ever, the door to their room quickly opened, and slammed shut behind them causing all the girls to jump in shock. They all turned to see their precious knight panting heavily as if he had just seen a ghost. They all rushed to him, to see if he was okay.
Neo: 🤨
Emerald: Jaune?! What’s wrong, are you okay?
Cinder: Did, Pyrrha’s cronies finally have enough, and decided to chase you down.
Jaune: Oh gods I wish that was it…?!
Emerald: Than, what happened, Jaune?
Jaune: Okay! S-So, Pyrrha tracked me down… alone… to talk.
Cinder: Without her followers getting in the way?
Emerald: Perfect time to talk with him, about stuff.
Jaune: Y-Yeah, that’s what I thought so too! S-So I decided to really let her have it?!
Emerald: What did you do?
Jaune: I-I-I slapped her…!!
Cinder: Excuse me?
Emerald: You did what now?
Neo: 😬
Jaune: I slapped her!
Cinder: How hard did you slap her? Was it like a light slap to the back of the head or was it?!
(Slap!)
Neo: 😱
Cinder: OWWW?! Damn! That was perfect!
Emerald: It was?!
Cinder: Hurt enough to be shocking, but jot hard enough to leave a mark. Perfect slap!
Emerald: He gets a lot of practice from us~!
Neo: 🥴
Cinder: So then what happened?
Jaune: W-Well I antagonized her; she said you ‘Slapped me.’ i said, ‘What are you going to do about it bitch!’
Emerald: Oh~! Nice!
Neo: 😁👍
Cinder: Then what happened?
Jaune: S-She looked at me w-w-with the most depraved look I’ve ever seen!
Emerald: What?
Jaune: S-She told me to slap her again!
Neo: 😰
Jaune: Only this time I hit her harder, and call her, ‘My bitch!’
Cinder: Wait, what?!
Jaune: G-G-Guys?! T-T-The saint is a masochist! She a freaking masochist! And, she wants me to discipline her?!! Oh gods?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!
CEN: …
Cinder: The fuck…?!
#rwby#jaune arc#yang xiao long#blake belladonna#weiss schnee#nora valkyrie#pyrrha nikos#ruby rose#lie ren#emerald sustrai#cinder fall#rwby neo#jaune x neo#neo x jaune#jaune x emerald#emerald x jaune#jaune x cinder#cinder x jaune#pyrrha x jaune#jaune x pyrrha#rwby knightfall#rwby topaz#rwby silentknight#rwby arkos#neptune vasilias#sun wokung
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Chapter 20
@journeythroughjourneytothewest
Something I didn't notice the first time was that they met each of the disicple in a different season Wukong was in winter, Bajie was in spring, and Wujing in the Summer. I'm going to have to see if this aligns with their elements as well.
And thus a beautiful rivalry of blaming each other for being shits begins
He is an honest idiot he says.
Sanzang's stance on family makes me wonder if his mother was always fated to commit suicide as his father still young could have a new family and technically neither had emotionally attachments as Tripitaka was 18 by the time they met and practically an adult and his father never got a chance to even know his wife was pregnant.
Really the one that suffered the most was his mom as she lost both a husband and son but even when she got them back she couldn't find it in herself to be a proper mother or wife after everything.... And maybe her passing was the last thing to push Sanzang to leave his family home and no longer "cling" to family.
Sanzang can't handle ribbing but he trying damnit.
It's weird they say Wukong has a thunder god mouth when the Chinese Thunder god has a beak for a mouth.
The Most Beautiful of all the Monkeys and not a single human can appreciate that
RIP HE SMALL AND TOUGH
Wukong: Okay, first of all, fucking rude, second of all only I get to call my younger brother ugly
ONLY HE CAN BULLY HIS BRO
Sanzang just wanted to give his disciples nicknames! He wanted to be a cool master!
Wukong: I thought you were Idiot for the longest time
Bajie:.... you still call me idiot
Wukong: Well yeah but now I know it's just insulting you
I wonder which character they are using for 'useful' and perhaps 'capable' or 'reliable' would be a more accurate modern meaning. Because this is twice now they have said that being useful is not only a positive thing but a thing to be envied and proud of. Cause nowadays useful is seen as more talking about a tool but maybe back then was considered a high honor such as be a responsible and reliable person
Wukong: I'm very useful!
Sanzang: Yes you are, you help very much-
Wukong: I was talking about my eyeliner
Sanzang: WUKONG STOP BEING SO MEAN HE WAS BORN LIKE THAT
"Fix your ugliness" GIVE HIM A BREAK
Leave Bajie alone, he may eat a lot but it ain't his fault he built like a pig (literally)
HE WAS HUNGRY
It's funny that it is Sanzang and Bajie who are the more cautious ones at the start of the journey, saying that they should find shelter away from the wind because it is sus but Wukong refuses to listen It shows how much he has grown later on when he actually starts anticipating Demon's attack instead of ignoring the signs
Like Wukong doesn't need to worry about demons cause he is Sun Wukong and he always will be fine. But as he goes on in the journey and starts to worry more about his campaigns he starts taking a more active role as a protective rather than doing the bare minimum to keep them alive. He really does grow
IM SO PROUD OF HIM
Kudos to Bajie for being the first to fight, don't know if it's just bluster or he really thought he could win but appreciate the hussle
NO MERCY GET THE LITTLE BASTARD
Of course, Wukong and Bajie choosing to go after chasing the demon rather than staying to protect Sanzang leads him to getting captured, interesting, His first kidnapping!
They don't have that teamwork just down yet And I was surprised that it was Bajie who was the one to fight first, Wukong saying he was going to go help Bajie and telling Sanzang to stay put leaving him behind. Wukong chose fighting over protecting in this case showing he either didn't trust Bajie to win or just didn't want to miss a battle. If they were coordinated then Bajie would have known Wukong would have been the better choice to fight and he would have stayed to protect Sanzang
Bajie CRIES when they lose him BRUH Even Wukong tries to comfort the guy damn
Wukong saying he got this
Wukong refuses to let himself be one-uped and refuses to accept help. Man really does got them daddy issues DAMN
Calls Wukong a condiment too damn
Nothing brings the homies together than a first teamwork kill
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At long last, it's time. The siege has begun.
I'm going to bring this place crashing into the ocean. While on fire.
I hope you got everything out of your miserable unlife that you wanted, Aephorul. Because I remember exactly how I felt that day, and the blood hasn't left my eyes since.
Alright, team. This is it. You know what this is and you know what we're here to do. By the end of today, I want to be holding Aephorul's heart or the nearest desiccated organ left in his rotting skeleton of a body in my bare hand.
Erlina will be waiting for us in there. We're going straight through her and not even looking back.
Let's paint the sky red.
I shouldn't be surprised that Aephorul's idea of a locking mechanism is disgusting. I am, however, impressed with his commitment to the bit. Dude loves his fleshy shit.
Um. Hi? I don't think we've met. Yes, we are here to either liberate or butcher you. Please specify which of the two you would like to order.
One order of butchering coming right up.
*sigh*
You know, I'm starting to develop a love/hate relationship with alchemy. I love it when it's on our side and hate it when it's on theirs.
We don't have time for this.
Goodbye, some dude I've never heard of whose name is probably a Monkey Island reference.
...well. Fuck.
Sure would be nice if there was an alchemist in our midst who didn't abandon me like everyone else and could instead mix up more of that anti-psychic juice. But I guess we'll have to deal.
As tempting as your illusory robot flirtations are, I am currently fueled by far too much homicidal zeal to sleep. The adrenaline coursing through my veins won't let me.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE YOU BASTARD. Shut the fuck up.
...why....
...would that ever be a thing that is happening to me....
What could possibly have occurred in my journey that would result in this taking place? That last one was pretty decent, 7/10, but this is a solid 2. You need to up your psychedelic game, Aephorul because this acid trip just got a lot less convincing.
See? Like that. You dream-vision me into the Humble Boast and send me into the kitchen to see the chef, I expect to see fucking Garl at the cookpot. That would be a potent vision. I might even be inclined to forget how obviously fake it is because I just want to see him again so badly.
Instead, you give me a mole man. Great. Because that's something that's going to win me over and make me want to forget why I came here.
This is the shittiest predatory illusion I've ever been under the influence of. Hall of Illusions, I demand to speak with your manager.
THERE YOU ARE. You better listen the fuck up and listen good because I've got about a dozen--
Hey, wait a second. Serai, isn't this that other guy you wanted us to murder? I guess he transferred departments after finishing up with Repine, and now he has a new job. That he fucking sucks at.
You should believe her. We're kind of on a streak in the blood vengeance department.
By the way, body covered in eyes? Not a great choice. You've riddled yourself with vulnerable spots. You're basically giving her a whole mess of options for what to stab.
Yeah, just like that. That's exactly what I'm talking about.
That one looks like it hurt. I didn't think a face consisting solely of a gigantic eye wouldn't be capable of pulling off the "OH GOD MY TESTES" face but there it is.
He's trying so hard to save face and not look like he's fleeing for his life while whimpering because he just got stabbed in the junk.
Oh, you've got fanboys with glowsticks now. Yep, that'll do it. Sure to keep you safe. You've definitely--
Oh no, your useless trash goblins all died unexpectedly. It is a mystery.
By the way, you probably shouldn't have kept your eyes on me because--
AGAIN! I KNOW! Man, she's really got it out for you.
This is the most fun I've ever had filing a complaint.
The "I'm going to go get my big brother to beat you up" energy going on right now is amazing. Delivered in the smuggest possible tone.
The new bodyguards are nice, they look tougher than the last, but they don't exactly protect you from....
...that. They don't exactly protect you from that.
You gonna suck it up and take your-- and he's running again.
This wasn't quite what I was expecting when I stormed in here to commit a murder but honestly, I'm so glad I was here for this.
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Red Boy decides to flirt with the Noodle Boy to get his brother up in arms (definitely not to make Shanyao jealous).
Red boy was in a mess with his twin kind of mood and what a better way to do that than flirt with his twin's crush. That surely press some buttons!
Certainly just wanted to press his brother no one elses. Not a particular flea brain who'd been avoiding him lately.
Of course Red boy would only be messing around. He wasn't going to steal his brother's man even if he could. Red boy wasn't into Mk that way. Guy just wasn't feisty enough for his liking.
So there be no real harm done and he'd let Mk in on it. Nothing better than fucking with your brother right .
It took a few hours to get everything into action. Mei aiding via sudden live stream which Red boy knew his brother watched. She was going on about getting Shan for something and put her phone in view of MK for a few minutes.
So Red boy made his move, pretending not to realize they were still being watched. One arm pinning MK to the wall the other hand caressing mk's face . MK was great at fake blushing man Red boy almost thought he was.
" you know I can see why you get my twin so heated noodle boy" Red Boy said with the softest tone as he rubbed Mk's cheek. It wasn't as smooth as flea brains but it was still decently soft," You're as soft as noodles ~"
"I-I um I" Mk said flustered as all fuck. He was expecting Red boy's flirting to be god awful like his own attempts but sweet monkey king were they good.
"and you smell as sweet cinnamon" Red boy said really playing it up as he moved his face closer. One of them be here any minute now,"may I could get a -"
Then before he could finish he sucked right in the jaw by lil Red son's fist and knocked away. He started laughing soon after seeing his brother fuming. It worked pretty well didn't it?
He wasn't playing attention to his brother's rant as he got to his feet.
It worked a little too well as he saw flea brain rubbing his eyes in the shadows. Mei Mk and Red son couldn't spot him but Red boy been fighting him weekly for at least two years. Red boy learned to see irregularities in shadows pretty quickly so flea brain couldn't use it as an unfair advantage.
"I was joking get out of my way" Red boy somewhat hissed as he pushed his brother in to MK and ran towards the shadows Shan was hiding in. Didn't see the accidental kiss he caused as he had a different target now.
Flea brain could move pretty quickly in those things and he'd miss his chance if he wasn't quick enough. It felt like hours but was probably only a minute before he was yanking Shanyao out of the shadows and into a hug.
It was somehow different from the hugs he gave Red son when their parents upset him. Or even the hug he gave Dbk and Iron fan when they were freed from the scroll. It was just different as if he couldn't hug Shan close enough. He was holding flea brain like he'd disappear if Red boy let go.
He didn't even get why flea brain been avoiding him. Did he do something wrong? Did flea brain think they did something wrong? It wasn't important right now he just needed to apologize.
This poor bastard didn't know he was already softly apologizing. Shan was hiccuping into his chest.
"yeah...I think we broke Shan more than we planned" Mei said as she looked to the brain shut off Red son who was a new shade of Red and a mad blushing but still functional Mk," and we broke Red son in a different way! I'm just going to end the stream here"
"yeah I'd...id do that Mei" mk mumbled with the stupidest grin on his face.
#lego monkie kid#lego monkie kid au#monkie kid#lmk mk#lmk shanyao#lmk#lmk oc#lmk mei#red boy#red son#red twins au#lmk spicynoodles#hotstar
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Random Things Iris Has Said in Her Sleep
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Iris too talks in her sleep. These were lovingly collected via sleepovers with Eveyln, talking with Viktor, and a few firsthand examples. Hey, she ratted me out, I'm only returning the favor. (Maybe Clef is rubbing off on me, I need to watch that)
"Dr. Waters, go jump in a lake. With cement crocs."
"Not the crackers? Who the hell eats actual goldfish?"
"Abel, put down the sword, pick up the cannoli. You get really cranky when you're hungry."
"CLEF, NO!" This had me giggling so hard I had to coax Evie back to sleep.
"Why is it purple?"
"Someone skipped leg day. Abel would not be amused."
"Smile! No, not like that. That's better. Now say... '343!'"
"Why are the trees exploding? WHY ARE THE TREES EXPLODING, DR. MYRIAD?!"
"Spiders. It just had to be spiders."
"Uh, I'm going to have to pass on dinner, Ferdinand. It's nothing against you, I'm just not a humanitarian."
"This sign must be for 035. 'No glitter beyond this point.' They made that rule for him, I bet."
"Weird. The grass is pink. The sky is green. And the mushrooms are talking smack about Iceberg's legs."
"343'S SAKE, NO MORE CAKES! I COULD BUILD A PYRAMID WITH ALL THESE DAMNED CHOCOLATE BRICKS! I COULD BUILD A BRIDGE OUT OF THESE AND GET OVER IT IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOU TO LEARN PROPER BAKING!"
"You had me at hot fudge. I'm in, you crazy bastard."
"Quick question: why are you here?"
"Be honest with me, Cain... you used one of Mabel's rolls to kill Abel, didn't you?"
"Oh, nuggets."
"I have... well, a LOT of questions. First, why are the chickens exploding?"
"I've seen blind men with better aim. Plus, how do you even take a picture of the back of your own eyeball?"
"I know you said it's a geode cake... but pink might not have been the best color choice. It looks like... er... something else."
"See that? That big empty field there? That's where we grow the fucks we give about your kinks, Lenny."
"I feel like I just got slapped in the mouth by a fish." A pause. "Trout. Rainbow, maybe brook? No, definitely rainbow. Does it matter, Doc?"
"Uh... not to be "that person" Abel... but I think leather is supposed to bend. When did you last get a new kilt? What? He's a guy, it's a kilt, end of discussion. Right. We're getting you a new kilt."
"Tell me, how do you breathe with your head so far up Dr. Gerard's butt?"
"Wait... he used a time machine... for a damn nugget sauce? How many weeks of Keter Duty did that earn him?"
"Grapeshot? I'll take 'Things That Scream 'Get Off My Lawn!''for $400, Alex."
"No... never met the Muffin Man. Why, he offering deals?"
"That escalated quickly."
"That's soap. You use it with water, and get what we call 'clean'. No, I think you can find someone else to show you how it works, monkey boy."
"You were nailing Jello to a tree?" A long pause. "Wait... your boyfriend is named Jello? That's both sad and hilarious."
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Anyone up for some monkey business?
So what’s the story for this one? (Assuming you haven’t played one of the most beloved games on the SNES). Well Donkey Kong and his other Kong friends are all chilling on DK Island when suddenly the big ape’s bananas are all stolen by humanoid crocodiles called the Kremlings, ruled by the batshit crazy but fucking tenacious King K Rool. Why did he steal the bananas instead of, I dunno, try to kill the Kongs in their sleep or something? He’s an asshole that’s why and so now he needs to receive a brutal beating by getting stomped on the head a bunch of times
So DKC is a fairly standard platformer, taking most of the basics set by Mario, complete with having a run button: unique to these games is the ability to roll, which you can use to knock enemies away. You speed up with each consecutive enemy you defeat by rolling so be careful for bottomless pits and other obstacles. If you roll off the edge of a platform you can then perform a longer jump. It’s not really needed in this game save for some extra stuff but by the next one you’ll have to drill it into your playstyle
You can pick up barrels and throw them at enemies of course
You can switch between the two characters, Donkey and Diddy Kong, at any time, the character you’re not using will follow you but will be like a ghost of sorts: he won’t take damage but also won’t hit enemies
Tip #1 for this game: always use Diddy, never Donkey. Not because the latter is bad but because the former is just superior: he’s faster, has a higher jump, a smaller hitbox, a faster roll and can throw barrels faster. Moreover he carries barrels in front of himself rather than over his head like Donkey does, this is important because if that barrel collides with an enemy as you’re carrying it the enemy will take damage, making Diddy’s way of carrying barrels basically a shield ability
Diddy’s only downside is that there are like 3 enemies he can’t defeat by jumping on them, so in those rare cases Donkey’s better…but that’s it
And spoilers but it won’t get better for the “thrilla gorilla”, ‘cause he’s not even playable in the next two games and he spends his time getting kidnapped. Jeez I thought X got shafted pretty hard in his own series, my man DK had to wait ‘till DK Returns in 2010 to finally shine (even though at the expense of the other characters…)
As for the other Kongs you meet in the overworld:
Cranky is a crotchety old bastard, usually telling you that you suck when compared to him and whining about how much better games used to be in his days. On occasion he might give you some tips on how to find some secrets but they’re usually very cryptic
Funky is a cool dude, letting you borrow his bodacious flying vehicle to warp to any area of the island that you want. An’ that’s just wicked man! Very mondo!
Finally there’s (Eye)Candy Kong, who saves your game
I’ll be completing this game 101% but I’ll cover the details of what this entails next time, for now just enjoy the incredible music and amazing spritework. yeah ok maybe some character sprites haven’t aged the best due to the whole wanting to look 3D even though they’re really 2D thing, but the actual backgrounds look stunning and are rich with details
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Rushsly: Second Cavern Arc 1
Tell me about it, lol. You and me both
There comes a time in any new and many veteran players' fortresses when you realize that you should have gelded or just straight-up butchered those fucking dogs you started with all the way back at the start because you are never going to need this many dogs - but before you go hacking them all up for meat that your dumb-ass kobbles (or dorfs, if you're boring) will just leave to rot on the floor, consider that it could be fun to train them into war dogs. They'll almost certainly all die within a single invasion if we do, but it feels better from an ethical standpoint than having our kobbles just straight-up massacre an entire horde of dogs. For now though, we are going to cull a couple of them so that Kikli can finish her artifact. I have nothing against dogs but sometimes they do scare me. I don't know what it is, but when you look too hard at a dog's face, like really look too hard at a dog's face, it seems to activate this primal instinct of like "oh fuck. This is a beastie. It threatens my little monkey troop." But usually you can just keep looking and it will just be a friendly domestic dog. But you know, like, there's dingoes, which look just like normal dogs but are actually fucked up bastards that will maul you. In Australia they built a 3500 mile long fence to keep dingoes out of Queensland. If you take the highest possible estimate of the Great Wall of China's length, the Dingo Fence is just over a quarter as long. I don't know what that really means or if it has any implication, I just suddenly decided I really need to know how long the Dingo Fence is in comparison to the Great Wall of China. But you know, it really fucking makes you think!!!!!!!!!
Just as Kikli gets her hands... paws? claws? on the bones she needs to get started, we get yet another ratfolk snatcher in the fortress.
It survives for about 10 seconds once it gets into the fortress proper. Of course, ratfolk never seem to come just one at a time, so we'd better be ready for another attack. And since the spring is over, it seems like as good a time as any to set the military back to constant training.
Kikli's masterwork is... a single boot... depicting the coronation of a Winged One from many years ago. Not our current one, however. Right now, all I know about them is their name is Canr Adrmicala. I could pop into Legends mode eventually to try and find out what their deal is, but I'd like to save that until later. You know, when I inevitably end up "between fortresses."
But figuring it's best to put that off as long as possible, we take advantage of our burgeoning population and expand the military. This fort is quickly beginning to resemble the United States. Once we get some nobles moving in to start making absurd demands and having innocent people jailed for not playing along with their idiotic ideas of how the economy should work, we can start grilling all-pork-refuse hot dogs and shooting guns. Well, that noble thing actually does happen in the game. Hot dogs, someone would have to mod that in. Guns, same, but I'm almost certain that somewhere there is already a Dwarf Fortress mod that adds guns and I just didn't download it because my brain automatically went "that sounds stupid" as I glanced over it. I don't hate gun nerds or anything, I definitely have the kind of mechanical-focus autism that makes me enjoy them as a triumph of engineering. But 99% of the time someone starts talking about their guns, they are inevitably going to come off as an absolute psychopath or a total pussy (I apologize for using 'pussy' as a derogative here, I am a huge vagina fan, but I couldn't get any other word to land with the same impact.) I particularly appreciate the people out in rural areas that refuse to go to fucking Costco without their fucking Heater. "I need to be Strapped if I'm going to walk into a Wal-Mart. That situation could turn sideways real fast." You are the person that turns situations sideways you fucking freak! All I hear when people say that kind of thing is "if I got into a fight I would get my ass kicked and I do not have the humility to handle it, so I need my Kill People Button on me so that nobody messes with me." You're a fucking bitch! Maybe you do need that gun, because I could probably rip your arms into pieces like construction paper! Though I did grow up in a distant suburb, I have spent most of my life in "the bad part" of a major city that sheltered, TV-poisoned weirdos like to imagine is an active warzone, and I have never felt the need to walk around with a gun, because even though I am kind of an abrasive person with a mean face, I don't go around starting problems and I don't try to insert myself into problems when they happen around me. In a way, out in the suburbs kind of is more dangerous, because everyone is obsessed with their Castle Doctrines and gets almost no opportunities to verify or validate their idea of a consensus reality, isolated as they are in the series of lonely little boxes that comprise the alienated American life, so they just drive themselves more and more paranoid and insane (as cable news' profit margins demand of them) until they freak out and go Max Payne 3 on a fucking post office because another insane racist boomer on 4chan told them that "AliExpress is actually an LGBT666+(the + is an upside down cross) child trafficking operation and there's this new thing called communisexual," and yes I said racist, only the absolute fucking worst of them will admit it but of course they are all racist, the thing they are so scared of in my city and every city is that black and brown people just walk around in public like they're normal humans or something! Yes I do live in "the hood" and there's a fucking farmer's market every weekend. What I'm trying to say here is, well I don't know, I wouldn't call myself a Stalinist per se but when faced with an overwhelming amount of people who genuinely believe just awful and evil things who regularly fantasize about doing Righteous Violence, I start to get the idea of the "gulag," you know, I think a "re-education camp" is actually a nice compromise between "letting paranoid bigoted reactionaries run around making everyone else miserable and violently terrorizing marginalized people" and "just fucking killing them, just fucking executing them in the streets with firing squads."
The fortress gains a new handful of migrants, just six this time. Of more importance, however, is the plan to keep expanding the base. Deeper and deeper, until we hit sweet adamantite - the siren of the earth that sings all fortresses to ruin.
Deeper.
Deeper, still - but not before we break to collect the resources we uncovered in this shaft. Gold is gold, gems are gems, the earth bleeds bounties to the kobble that strikes it.
Deeper, still. Our advance is halted by the cavern opening up below the mine shaft, which is a good enough excuse to slow down for now. Two layers of cavern means twice as many attack vectors for forgotten beasts - though we'll be sure to close up the opening right away, of course.
Carefully notching out fortifications to look through in the perimeter seems to be the safest method to map these caverns - they've proved worthwhile before, at least against fire-spewing beasts. Black-cap and spore trees would be exciting additions to our wood stocks, but right now the risk involved in going out to cut them is just too high.
Even with all precautions taken, any party could always be your last party, so you simply must party whenever the opportunity arises. Even two of the new marksbold recruits managed to sneak away from training for a moment - "just grabbing some drinks," sure. Maybe one day they'll deeply regret it - if they had just that one last bit of training, maybe catastrophe could have been averted, or at least subdued. This could be what that song "How To Save A Life" is about. Is that even the name of that song? I don't know, I've only ever heard it due to acute FM radio exposure. I don't even know who plays it. Not gonna check either
Dwarves arrive, setting up nice and intrusive-thought-repellingly far from the bridge. For a relative pittance of gems, we take all the meat they have on offer (I will regret this,) some some extra steel armor and picks, and as a little token of appreciation we gift them a big handful of gold coins. Buy yourself something nice, kid.
They also get a front-row seat to see us setting up our first few catapults. These will ostensibly fire right through fortifications, and hopefully not bust through the ceiling or something - it seems to have worked before, in a different fort, anyway - and might be a smidge more forgiving than the ballista. And as we cut away more fortifications into the second cavern layer...
Bro what the fuck ???
Apparently, though I hadn't even noticed it, the first "crime heinous enough to require a Reaper" was committed. And Acl was not actually able to finish the criminal off with a single killing blow. Let's check the Justice tab to see what the crime was, and...
"Violation of production order" you'll fucking try to kill someone after that? Fuck me this fortress really is becoming America. What the fuck, lol.
She barely even just got here, hardly started training, and already has to go through this shit. I don't even remember what Alsrta wanted made, but Case was literally just hanging out doing what she was supposed to be doing. I expected the nobles with ridiculous demands to show up a lot later, but it seems we're perfectly capable of growing unreasonable authority-abusing freaks right here at home. The kobbles elect the Clan Leader, not the player, and it would obviously be terrible for everyone's mood to just straight up kill or expel her, but you know, accidents can always happen.
Shortage of patience yeah no fucking kidding. Actually, I've just thought of a fitting enough "punishment" for her.
There. You want to see someone stabbed for not making you a funny little hat or whatever, well you can walk right over and do it yourself. I'm like 300% sure this won't backfire on me. Well, whatever.
We've mapped the entire second cavern layer. And no sooner do we finish than we receive our second uninvited guest.
Yeah I really went all out on the MS Paint for that one. Poisonous gas seems like exactly the kind of thing that fortifications won't help against, but we'll really just have to see what develops.
It's like it's specifically getting in position for where we'd like to fire on it from. Of course, nothing can ever be too easy, so Acl picks right now of all times to be possessed and try to make an artifact. Maybe trying to kill that poor girl changed something in him. He also picked the farthest possible stoneworker's shop from all the stockpiles, so that'll put him out of commission for a good long while... I'm more worried about Acl, honestly. I have to wonder if I'm underestimating this big blind lobster. We'll see how it reacts to a few volleys of bolts.
fucks sake cunt would ya get back over here
It ignores a few missed bolts and just goes for a swim. As the marksbolds jump back and forth between fortified positions futilely trying to get a good shot on it, another wave of migrants shows up, bringing our population to 86 and thus reclassifying Rushsly as a "town."
I'd say I wished they understood the gravity of the situation, but it doesn't actually seem too grave at all. The lobster literally and figuratively can't even see us, has no way in, and is kind of just chilling.
Acl makes a wind horn (that's normally made out of bone...?) out of granite and dog leather. Imagine if your homie just came up to you one day after not talking to anyone for like, a week, and he was just like "Hey sorry about that. I got possessed by unknowable forces, so I had to make a flute out of broken bits of sidewalk pavement." Personally I would freak out, I would flip the fuck out and just go crazy. But I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't. Got to find somewhere to put this fucking thing now. But then, suddenly, from the first cavern layer:
OLM PEOPLE! They chase off Zhat Lovetwists (kind of horny name,) our hospital's diagnostician, who was down there seeking granite boulders to cut into blocks.
Luckily, she's agile enough to escape, and after fleeing unscathed she just... goes straight to sleep. I mean, okay. That's reasonable, I guess.
The small squadron of olm people cautiously advances, but our larger and far more deadly squadron of killer kobbles sets up position just outside the mine shaft. We cautiously open just one hatch to let them into the funnel, but......
I run out of images in this post so I have to leave it on a cliffhanger LOL my bad!!!!!!!!!!
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Sacrificing your Dignity for Gold, It’s More Likely Than You Think
Characters: Hidan Kakuzu
Word count: 1400
Tag: bottom kakuzu, kakuzu pov, in media res, crack?, pwp, monkey’s paw
*explicit*
I was originally writing this for April Fools Day but I’m not really to happy with it. So I’ll post it casually instead of to ao3
“Come on Hidan. We’re finally done with the mission. So hurry up and show me how to make gold.” His eagerness was clear in his voice.
“Alright already! Stop nagging me you old bastard! Man greed really clouds your mind. Or are you secretly some kind of slut?” Hidan snapped at him.
“Shut-up! Like I’d let you touch me under any other circumstance.” Ugh, he was sacrificing a lot of dignity for this, but to unlock alchemy it was worth it. He stripped quickly, leaving his hood and mask on. He ignored Hidan’s whining and unlaced his back. Then sent his hearts out, ordering them to go scout around.
“Oh, Kakuzu-chan… you don’t know what you're getting into. But don't worry, I’ll cure your gold fever.” Hidan’s voice was hoarse. He suppressed any sense of pride the realization gave him. Hidan watching was making him itch, the faster this was finally over with the better, hopefully it wouldn’t hurt. He heard Hidan sigh before dropping his pants.
“I’m not going in dry even if you are a bastard. You’re not burning are you old man?” Confusion was a temporary reprieve from rationalization, but he did need to answer.
“What the fuck are you blabbering on about?” Now Hidan started raising his voice.
“Are you clean? You don’t have a fucking std do you!” Insulted by the insinuation he snapped back.
“Fuck you! Of course not, what do you take me for?”
“How the hell should I know? You’re the slut fucking for gold!” If they weren’t in the middle of nowhere, their argument was definitely loud enough to be overheard. He felt rage building in the pit of his stomach. But before he could yell at Hidan or call it off, he felt something squirting onto his butt. So it began, then he would commence his practice of stoicism, and take it with as much dignity as he could salvage.
He felt Hidan prodding around and noticed with some small amount of satisfaction that his dick was barely the size of a finger. He almost laughed, but remembered he was a stoic. He felt more slimy stuff squirt onto him, but instead of finishing Hidan kept messing around back there.
“What’s taking so long?” He heard Hidan suck his teeth.
“Stop rushing me! I haven’t even started yet. Even if I wanted to, I can’t just shove my dick in. I’m stretching you out first. The way you're sucking up my fingers is really riling me up...”
“Finger?! Why is your finger in my ass?!”
“Do you know what foreplay is? Have you just been going around shoving your dick in people! What the fuck is wrong with you?” This was utterly ridiculous. Why hadn’t he just beat the secret out of Hidan?
“Who the fuck wastes time with shit like this? That’s what’s wrong with your generation.”
“See, I thought the reason you haven’t felt the touch of a woman in decades was because you’re too cheap to pay for it.” He slipped in another finger. “Turns out you're just shit in bed.” Arguing during this was very crass, but he couldn’t let Hidan get the last word.
“Go fuck yourself! I used to pull all kinds of honeys back in my day! Once I hit forty they couldn’t keep up any- ah!” Pleasure shot through him. Evidently Hidan had found a sensitive spot in his butt. He was ashamed to even have one. He tried to return to stoicism and fought against Hidan focusing on that area.
“Ha ha, there we go.” Hidan had the nerve to chuckle to himself. He tried to will his body to resist the pleasure. But despite not having been touched his penis was responding enthusiastically. And even his legs started to tremble.
“Even if you’re trying to be quiet I can tell you love this. You’re so sensitive back here. Are you sure you’ve never done this before?”
“Shut up! Of course, ah ah ah nooot! I have my pride as a ma- ah man” Fuck the bastard had baited him. Hidan slipped in a third finger and focused them all on his spot. Unable to play it off he just returned to being silent. He tried desperately to regain his composure in preparation for the main event. Just because he was skilled with his fingers that didn’t mean he was good with his dick, right? Finally Hidan pulled his fingers out, but seemed to hesitate.
“You’re still bitching? You're taking me in so well though.”
“Shut up! You stupid pervert-” Before he could go into a tirade, Hidan started pushing in, blowing the air out of him. It was too big. At least that fiddling earlier was worth something. The mild discomfort morphed into pleasure once Hidan’s dick pressed past his sensitive spot. It was thick enough that even without being focused on it felt stimulated.
He took a few shuddering breaths, desperate to maintain his dignity. For once his mask was a hindrance, but he’d rather keep it on.
Instead of just going to town, Hidan seemed to be hesitating. He felt him rubbing his back. The touch was entirely too intimate and he wished Hidan would just get it over with.
“Has your body adjusted yet? I don’t want to rip your stitches.” Hidan rubbed his back while he talked. He wasn’t teasing him, yet his pride couldn’t stand it.
“I’m not weak. Whatever you do, I can take it.” Hidan kept rubbing different parts of his body gently.
“Yeah yeah. How about this? If you’re too tense you’ll break my dick in half.” There was no bite to his words, but it didn’t help him calm down either.
“Would you be more comfortable facing me?” Hidan offered, thinking he was being kind. Instantly his guard was up against him.
“NO! Shut-up, just get it over with! Don’t complicate things, I just want my gold.”
“Well this would be faster if I was enjoying it. But even though you fucking asked for this your being difficult.”
“So what? Aren’t you a man? A warm hole should be all it takes. Just pretend I’m a kunoichi with huge knockers or I’ll transform whatever's easier.”
“That’s not the problem!” Hidan shouted, pulling out. “Are you dense or just being bitchy? Fuck it! If we do this, we're gonna do it my way. So you’ll just have to wait till our next break between missions.” It was like a tower of cards were knocked to the floor. Hidan couldn’t back out now.
“Psh, your cute factor can only take you so far.” Hidan said, pulling up his pants. “Besides, taking gold makes a while, it’d be better to be indoors.”
#hidakaku#kakuhida#fanfiction#speak nothing of this#sorry if the formating is crazy#i format my wips for ao3 😓
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@shouga-nai ○ 𝕙𝕒𝕜𝕜𝕒𝕚 𝕒𝕤𝕜𝕖𝕕 𝕘𝕠𝕛𝕪𝕠 ○
⤷ 『 ❝ With a smile like that, I can't help but want to know your secret. What's got you so cheery today? ❞ Hakkai looked to Gojyo. He had a smile on himself- other than that, however, his expression was deliberately hard to read. Perhaps a mix of amusement and curiosity, even the slightest hint of skepticism... For a pleased Gojyo could mean plenty of things. 』
Quite frankly he'd only been daydreaming of past times. For once the monkey and Sanzo had gone out together, leaving him and Hakkai alone at their hotel room for a couple hours and he'd been enjoying the quietness, only to be reminded of the days he and Hakkai had lived together, back when he'd still been called Gonou.
It'd been a weird time, but he'd always felt oddly comfortable around Hakkai in a way he rarely was with others. Being in similar predicaments when it comes to being a demon and also their journey now and such, honestly he's quite happy it turned out like this.
He can't even imagine what it'd have been like staying in that damn village, just playing cards every day against the same few gullible suckers and flirting with the same couple of girls while keeping his heritage secret as best he can…
"What, can't a guy just be happy every once in a while~?" He grinned back almost teasingly, leaning back in his chair with his head tilted even further to look at Hakkai, his perch dangerously close to tipping over yet somehow keeping its balance, and him seated, for that matter.
"Y'know, it feels pretty domestic when it's just the two of us. It's been a while, huh?" It ends up slipping out after a brief moment in which the chair's legs scraped noisily against the hardwood floor as it came back down to rest on four legs rather than two, Gojyo leaning on the table's edge and glancing at the other speculatively.
Admitting he'd missed it would be a little on the nose, and also utterly contrary to his rep as a ladykiller and all, but, well… It's still the truth. He'd just been remembering the times he'd taught Hakkai how to play cards and how damn good the bastard had been at them, how regardless of his wounds there had always been this deep, profound emotional pain to him that Gojyo had been identifying with, even if subconsciously…
He'd never felt as comfortable in that apartment before he'd had Hakkai staying there with him. It's part of the reason he'd protected him back when the monk and the monkey had shown up, utterly too perceptive and annoying as usual. it was why he'd gone straight after them, and after Hakkai when the other had slipped away still not quite healed up albeit getting there.
Thinking like this is dangerous, y'know? Sends your brain down rabbit holes that you can't just crawl your way out of whenever you feel like it, and… Once your perception of someone changes like that, there's no going back.
Quite frankly he wants to take it back. Having said as much as he had already was as much as admitting he misses it, cause Hakkai's just that sharp of a guy unfortunately. But despite the urge to just up and mutter something about being out of cigarettes despite the half full pack in his pocket, he can't quite bring himself to do it, to run away from the situation and pretend it isn't happening.
Nothing'll come of this, he knows that. He isn't fucking stupid, and Sanzo'll walk in and immediately notice the difference and the monkey will be confused, Hakkai will have that irritating smile on his face and everything will go on like nothing ever happened, like his entire world didn't get spun on its axis…
Well, that's what admitting this shit, even to himself, feels like anyway. It's better if nothing changes frankly, yet maybe it's that self destructive side of him that's hoping he'll be proven wrong, just this once.
#shouganai#universe • saiyuki#inquiry • saiyuki#interactions • sha gojyo#answered#please ask before continuing#into the void • queue#I already screeched a little in your IMs but like#fdjhgkjfsdk THESE TWO. HAZY PLS SEND HELP AAAAAAAA#i had a NEED for writing yearning and it turned into this and now i dont know what to do with myself xDD
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“Question. Hypothetically……” there is a long pause that implies that the question is not at all hypothetical. “I gave a weird stranger $20 ‘cause he said he didn’t have any gas to get to where he needed to go. He then gives me this fucked up… I dunno, monkey hand? Thing, and says it’s got three wishes left. You think that’s real? Like, that’s fake, right? What should I wish for to test it. Hypothetically.”
"A monkey's paw...?"
Well, crap. Here he thought he had seen the last of those little bastarding relics. Sighing to himself, he could only pinch the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, it's real. Don't bloody use the thing, alright? Wish magic's too real for you to understand."
To emphasize, he held up a finger. "Everything comes with a price to it, wishes are no different. You want yourself the perfect partner? They'll have t' come from somewhere and likely be lifted straight outta their already decent life. Wanna keep someone from dying in a certain manner? They'll still die later, and usually in worse circumstances... honestly, you're better on destroying it."
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Nothing’s Fair in Love and War
Pairing: Canon!Levi x F!Reader
Word Count: 7.2K
Warnings: SHIT. IS. SAD. YO.
A/N: this broke me. request from @swirrley but i didn’t wanna spoil it with the ask so i’ll answer that separately. i hope this is what you had in mind ^-^
“So that’s it? We just… commit genocide and walk away? Hange that’s… that’s not how we do things. We’re the Scouts. We– we don’t just… kill people! That blast from Armin… it’ll snuff out hundreds of innocent lives. I know this is what Eren said but… are we really going to go through with this? How does this justify anything? How can we call ourselves any better than them if we’re just going to do the exact same thing they’ve done to us?!” You couldn’t help it. After receiving the note from Eren that night, explaining his situation, his plan, his goals, Hange had called a meeting with you, Onyokapon, Levi, Yelena and Armin the day you’d returned to Paradis. You had sat in silence, anxiously bouncing your leg, picking at your cuticles to the point the tips of your fingers were now dusted with crimson. It was only when Levi placed a subtle hand on your leg did you realise you’d even slipped back into these old habits. Only when he brushed his thumb over your knuckles did you notice the steady trickle of blood where you’d picked at your thumb just a bit too much. You threw him a grateful glance out the corner of your eye, before speaking your mind.
Hange sighed heavily, the weight of their new position had dug into their shoulders as of late, and you knew you weren’t helping by opposing their decision but… they couldn’t truly think this was the right course of action. Declaring war first, taking out the military port of Liberio, not to mention declaring war in the goddamn internment zone. That’s what made no sense. Those people were Eldians, like you were. If you wanted them on your side, murdering the majority of them wasn’t the right way to go about it. Hange had to know that.
“But if they take the Founder, we have nothing left. Think of this logically–”
“How is opposing the flat out murder of hundreds of people illogical?”
“There’s no easy way out of this. Eren has demands and has left us clear instructions. It’s Zeke’s intentions I don’t trust. Monkey bastard can’t just change sides like that. Whether he’s using Eren or Eren’s using him, I don’t care. He makes a wrong move, I’ll cut him to pieces.” Levi didn’t even raise his gaze as he all but spat out his opinion. You knew where he was, and present in this room wasn’t it. He was back at Shiganshina, decimating a line of titans to get to the Beast. Watching his friends and comrades sacrifice themselves all for him to ultimately fail in his task. You knew that day haunted him. You knew it always will. It was your turn to squeeze, bringing him back with a subtle head tilt.
‘Okay?’
‘Okay.’
“Watch your tone when talking about him. We’re only here because of Zeke’s efforts. You might want to show some gratitude.” It was the only time you saw Yelena show anything other than smug indifference, was when she was defending her fucking monkey god. Levi shot her a look that simply told her to shut the fuck up. Surprisingly, she actually listened.
Armin let out a breath, looking at the tension between Levi and Yelena, before turning back to you. He seemed to be Hange’s voice at the moment. You knew, whenever Hange gave up the mantle, it would be passed down to him. It had to be. Nobody else could do what Armin was doing right now. “It’s not ideal… but what choice do we have? If Marley gains possession of both the Attack and Founding titan, we’re all as good as dead. Think about it, this is the only way forward. If we don’t do this, Eren’s stuck, and we’ve lost. You heard them, it’s not even Eldia they have a problem with. It’s just us. The island devils.”
You hated that he was right. Hated that you now had to destroy the very town you’d just visited. The first place everyone had seen outside the walls. The first place everyone had been to, outside the walls. Those colourful stalls, those tall buildings, the festival bunting… it would all be flattened and charred. You’d done a lot as a Scout. You all had. But this… this turned your stomach. You didn’t know how Armin did it. How he was able to make such choices so easily. Though it might have had something to do with how he looked up to Erwin so much. That made sense.
You grit your teeth, letting the rest of the discussion fade away as you allow yourself to be consumed by your thoughts. And glancing to his left, Levi noticed you’d zoned out, much how he had a minute ago. You were tired. You all were. He could see the deep purple rings beneath your eyes, the fight in your spirit had been repeatedly beaten until it was nothing more than a will to survive. He predicted your movement before you’d even stood up, muttering something to Hange before you left the war room, quietly closing the door behind you. The others continued after you’d left, but one look from Hange and Levi knew he was excused. They wanted him to go after you as much as he did. “We probably won’t be back,” he murmured lowly, folding his jacket over his arm. Hange nodded again, and a pang of empathy echoed through his heart. Levi landed a hand on their shoulder. “We’ll follow you, you know that. She’ll come around, just give her some time,”
“We don’t have time, Levi. The one thing we don’t have is time.” he’d never seen them look more morose, but found no blame to pin on them. He too could feel the exhausted tensions of the Scout regiment ever since they’d lost Eren. It was suffocating. With no further words to exchange, Levi too left the war room, knowing exactly where you’d be.
You knew exactly who’d found you before Levi had even announced his presence. “I’m fine, ‘Vi. I just needed to breathe for a moment.” It was a piss poor excuse, one Levi evidently saw right through as he continued to approach you. The rooftop wall was the perfect height to rest your elbows on and lean against the cool bricks, your head tilted back to track the moon’s orbit across the partly cloudy sky. Levi never felt the need to say anything in these moments, he knew you would talk to him if you needed to.
Despite being with you for a good few years now, his heart never failed to thunder in his chest when you were near, especially when you rested your head on his shoulder as he leaned his own elbows on the brick, mirroring your stance. He knew you were troubled. A swift glance at your face told him that. But he kept his silence, content to wait for you.
“Are we really going to do this?” Levi raised a brow of ‘elaborate’ as you brought your head back off his shoulder. He immediately felt the chill of your absence. “I mean, we were there two minutes ago. We were there, walking down its streets, watching Hange try to feed carrots to a car, trying to pry Sasha away from ice-cream. And we’re just… going to burn it,” he knew your point. The enemy was no longer faceless. You now knew who you were fighting. What you were fighting. It’s easier to kill titans because they’re no longer people but, now you were about to commit several war crimes against a race you’d actually interacted with. Interacted with its people, who seemed as normal as all of you. They were no longer monsters. Just people trying to survive. It sounded sickeningly familiar. “It just doesn’t sit right with me, that’s all.”
Levi sighed, gently taking your hand in his own. “You heard what the kid said. We don’t have much of a choice. It’s either them or us now.” You huffed a small laugh, looking down at your entwined hands, watching how his thumb moved across the back of yours.
“He’s nineteen, Levi. Not exactly a kid anymore. They stopped being kids the moment they saw a titan, let alone make the decision to go to war on another country. Much more than either of us had accomplished by that age.” Levi raised another, slyer brow to you, silently asking you to question that statement. “Alright fine, much more than I had accomplished by that age, then.” you nudged him with your elbow in tired playfulness, but not even this had your usual mischief. It broke him to see you like this.
Straightening up from the wall, Levi regarded you for a second, before taking your arm and guiding it to wrap around his torso, a silent prompt you’d grown to love whenever he wanted to feel you close to him and hold you against his heart. You closed your eyes, nestling your nose just below his jaw, gripping the tan leather jacket at his back and inhaling the scent of home. His hand on the back of your head sent a warm shiver down your spine, his other arm securing you in his hold around your waist.
The resulting effect was almost instant, the familiar comfort taking the weight off your chest, letting you actually breathe for the first time since you’d left Marley. The soft domesticity finally putting you at ease in the bubble of security he’d created for you.
“How are you always so warm?” you asked quietly against his neck, your lips just lightly brushing his Adam’s apple. A resulting tightening of his arms around your middle set your heart ablaze, a small, content smile pulling at your lips as you basked in his embrace. Levi felt your shift from tense apprehension to instant comfort. He never thought it possible that he could have this kind of effect on someone. Never even considered the possibility of being able to provide this kind of comfort with no words needed. But you always had your ways to surprise him.
It’s part of the reason he loved you so damn much.
“It’s all the self contained rage. Took every fibre of my self control not to break that woman’s stupid neck.” he loved your laugh. You soft little bubbles of amusement. The first time he heard it he couldn’t stop staring at you, completely lost in your expression. You didn’t even know how beautiful you were. He wasn’t great with words, but he happily reminded you every single time you forgot, with the gentlest of kisses to your forehead.
“You always were the calmer out the two of us. Doesn’t surprise me that it’s all in here,” you shifted your head out from beneath his jaw, tapping the side of his temple with your middle finger. Levi’s hand shifted from the back of your head to the side of your cheek, running his thumb along your cheekbone. There was always something in the way he looked at you. At the start, it was something Hange had to loudly point out to you before you actually noticed. It was soft. So, so damn soft. Like he was looking at the personification of his own soul. There was something reflected in who you were that sang to him, soothing the spiteful thoughts of self-hatred in his mind. Without meaning to, you’d become his rock. His anchor. His everything. Nothing mattered as long as you were alright. Nothing mastered as long as you were by his side, soothing the skeletons in his closet.
Your heart skipped a beat at the small smile of content on his face, before he wordlessly tilted your head up and brushed your lips with a featherlight kiss, just to feel the softness of your skin on his own. And you were immediately lost in the vast well of his adoration, willingly drowning yourself. Your arms slipped from around his torso to rest around his neck, pulling him closer onto your mouth, your lips moving languidly with his, his arm keeping you tight against his chest, your heartbeats synchronising with each stroke of your tongue.
And, despite the oncoming storm, you don’t think you’d ever been this happy. “Fuck the meeting,” you murmured onto his lips, your patience for politics dwindling with each second you spent wrapped up in his arms.
“Fuck the meeting.” He agreed, pulling back from you a fraction to look into your eyes, his own method of making sure you were alright. Levi had learnt how to read your eyes over the years, how they were quite literally windows into your soul. Murky, mudded, blurry windows, sure, but they had to be. You wouldn’t have made it this far if everyone could read you as well as he could. But this also meant he could see right through any façades. Any acts you performed for the sake of your comrades never worked on him, and right now, he could see how utterly exhausted you were. Exhausted of the meetings, the politics, the endless fighting.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t tired too. Fuck, he was tired. But he was used to fighting tired. His Underground memories were hazy at best, but he knew he spent every second fighting. And though you were stronger than most, even you had a breaking point. “Sleep?”
You never thought a single word could bring you so much joy. You borderline slouched into his chest, his shirt rubbing against your cheek as you nodded with a breathy “Yeah, sleep.”
Levi tilted your head up again with a hooked finger grazing the bottom of you chin, dipping to brush a featherlight kiss to your lips, before twining his hand in with yours, you leaning into him as you both headed back to the barracks.
“Ah shit,”
You poked your head out the doorway to your bathroom, droplets of water falling from the ends of your wet hair, raising a brow at your man standing over his desk, hands on his hips, staring as if disappointed in the top drawer.
“Ah shit?” You queried, briefly wrapping a towel around your hair and torso before joining him at the desk.
“We’re out of chamomile. Black will have to do,” you couldn’t help but find his dejected tone quite sweet. You knew black tea was his personal favourite, but the way he was so heartbroken over not having your personal favourite evening drink simply melted you.
You laughed gently, stepping up behind him to wrap your arms around his middle, resting your chin on his broad shoulder. You loved how this particular v-neck fit him, dipping low enough to show his defined collarbones, but it was a loose, comfy fit. It made him look that combination of sweet spice you loved.
“Or, and I know this may sound shocking but hear me out, we don’t have a cup of tea tonight,” You peered at him through the corner of your eye, already hearing the scoff of disgust you knew was coming.
And sure enough, Levi didn’t disappoint. “A crime of the worst kind. I’ll go harass Four Eyes, surely they’ll have some of that fancy shit left over from Liberio,”
“But you didn’t like that fancy shit, you said it tasted like toilet water…. Which begs me to ask—“
“I said I didn’t like the fancy black shit. The chamomile was fine. And no, freak, I’ve never had a drink from a fucking toilet and the fact you even felt the need to ask actively disgusts me.” You giggled madly into his neck at the faux irritation and nickname, his audible smile warming your heart as you tighten your arms around him, just as he went to move away. “No, you’ve lost hugging privileges for being so vile. Go be disgusting somewhere else.” You released him after pressing a soft kiss to the side of his neck, one he returned when he swivelled round and pressed his lips to your forehead in fleeting gratitude.
“Be nice to them, ‘Vi, they’ve had a rough few days.” You knew he’d already noticed Hange’s lack of enthusiasm recently, but there was never any harm in reminding him from time to time. With his nod of confirmation, you left Levi to procure tonight’s tea whilst you dried your hair with the towel and changed into a pair of soft, baggy sleep shorts and one of his v-neck tees. You always felt cosier in his clothing.
Now propped up against the headboard, a faded fabric bound book clasped in your hands, you indulged in an old fairytale whilst you waited for Levi’s return, though the words on the page were barely sinking in. Something about a prince selling his soul to save the one he loved, you’d gathered that much, but your mind kept wandering to the mission in a few weeks. Heading back to Liberio would have otherwise been an exciting idea, if only you weren’t there to destroy the place.
It still rubbed you wrong.
“Knock knock.” You placed your book down on your lap, laughing a quick “come in” before Levi pushed the door open with his back, slid inside, and nudged it closed with his foot.
“Did you just knock on your own door? Verbally?” It wasn’t that you needed confirmation that what just happened really did just happen. It was more that you were fishing for an explanation, still having to bite down on your bottom lip to stifle your laughter.
“I didn’t know if you were decent,” Levi looked at you as if it were the most obvious answer in the world, placing the teacup and saucer on the nightstand with a soft clink. “You could have been changing,”
“We’ve been together for six years… you’ve seen every inch of me.” There was something about his respectful chivalry that made your heart flutter. Plenty of men in the Scouts wouldn’t even consider something like that, especially after six years together.
Levi simply shrugged, knowing you needed no further elaboration as he took up his space next to you, lifting his arm on instinct to allow you to lean up against him. You looped your fingers through the handle of the teacup, before assuming your position into his side, his arm draping over you.
“Whatcha reading?”
“A book.” You refuse to look at Levi’s flat, unamused state, choosing instead to idly run your finger over the rim of the cup, fighting tooth and nail to keep your smirk from your face.
“What kind of book? Idiot.” You lost your battle with your expression, muscles crumbling into a cheeky smile.
“A fairytale, I think.”
“You think?”
“Honestly I have no idea what’s going on. I think the protagonist has just found out he has to sacrifice himself to save his lover but that’s as far as my understanding goes.” You pressed further into him, Levi threading his loose arm around your waist in response as you fell into a thoughtful silence, simultaneously raising your respective cups to your lips, savouring the flavour of chamomile on your tongue. You’d bought these leaves in the very same city you were going to destroy. It seemed ironic, in a way.
“I’d do that for you.” Levi broke the silence with his gentle confession. Well, it was less of a confession since you were already aware of the lengths he’s gone to, just to keep you safe.
“Yeah?”
“You know I would,”
You hummed a response. “Yeah. I do.” —you paused, taking another long sip of your tea— “I’d do that for you too. I’d do that for a few people, actually,”
Levi’s hold on you tightened, a subconscious protective instinct. “Mm? Who else?”
“Our squad. I’d sacrifice myself to save any of those kids,” now that was a confession. Levi knew you adored the 104th kids, and he knew they all looked up to you like some kind of surrogate older sister -he didn’t like the idea of any of them seeing you as a mother figure, because that representation for him was just too much- but he didn’t know the lengths you’d go through to protect them.
“Please, do not kill yourself protecting Connie for fuck sakes.” You barked a laugh, having to transfer your teacup to your other hand to stop the contents from spilling over.
“What’s wrong with Connie??”
“He’s an idiot.”
“You love them really.” Levi had no comeback to that, because he knew you were right. And you also knew you were right, which meant there was no way he could win that argument. Another blanket of silence draped over the two of you, another thoughtful spell broken once again by Levi’s quiet murmur.
“Was… was this my fault?” The guilt in his voice choked you, and you had to close your eyes against the pain. You knew exactly what he meant. Because it had been plaguing your mind too, ever since his disappearance.
“Eren’s… I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going through his head. He’s always been combative but— none of us thought he’d go this far.” You sat up, placing your drained teacup back on the saucer, and turned to face him. “But no. This wasn’t your fault, Vi. I know you see yourself as a—“ you paused, unsure how to phrase this as he searched your face, “guardian, for him, but you cannot blame yourself for this. For any of this.” You sat on your knees, taking his face in your hands, trying to smooth away the desperate search for reassurance in his eyes. “I found myself thinking the same. Did I somehow fuck something up when talking to him, or did I miss some glaringly obvious problem? Was this my fault somehow,”
“It wasn’t—“
“Then it wasn’t yours either.” You interrupted him, cutting him off before he could start his hypocritical tirade on why it wasn’t your fault. “We’re a team, ‘Vi. If you failed, we failed. If I didn’t fail, as you say I didn’t, then we didn’t fail. This wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault either. Nobody’s to blame for this, okay?” You watched his expression relax, that guilt ridden crease in his brow eased.
“Thank you.” You smiled in response, pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead, your thumbs smoothing the darker circles beneath his eyes as he melted into your reassurance. You card your hand through his hair, the strands longer that you knew they ought to be.
“You need a haircut,”
Levi’s eyes glanced to his bangs, only now noticing how long he’d allowed them to get. But he shook his head, leaning to the side and placing his own empty teacup back on the nightstand.
“It’s too late now, we’ll do it when we get back.” You nodded in agreement, settling beneath the covers alongside him and instantly searching for your place in his arms.
Levi curled around you as you settled into his chest, your face snuggled up against his neck where you inhaled the smell of home. His arms tucked you in tight and secure against him, once again that subconscious need to protect your kicking in as you drifted into your most vulnerable state.
But you both remained awake for a while, neither certain as to why. Levi’s caressing thumb on your back never ceases, and your nuzzles against his neck didn’t stop. The silence shifted into something static, the kind of silence you knew fell before he was about to say something.
“What do we do? After this?” You knew what he meant. What the hell were you supposed to do after the war?When Marley and Eldia settled their differences and titans were no longer a threat. What the hell were you two supposed to do then? Though you smiled slightly to yourself, knowing exactly what you wanted to do.
“Tea shop. Obviously.” Rewarded with a gentle rumble of a chuckle, you tilted your head up only to meet his eyes looking down at you.
“I’m serious,”
“So am I! You think I’d go through all this trouble not to open that tea shop with you when this is all over? Everything’s riding on this tea shop. I’d die for this tea shop!”
“Okay okay, I get it. Tea shop it is.” —there was a pregnant pause, a brief second where Levi looked away— “Is that… is that all you want?” The question was posed quietly, hesitantly. So hesitant in fact that you propped yourself up on your elbow, resting your chin on your fist.
“Levi?” you’d discussed it once before. You’d dared to dream only once previously, a similar setting to this one, but something seemed different. Something seemed hopeful this time around.
“We could do it,” —he murmured, no longer looking at you, but looking wistfully past you— “We could. If we wanted to. I don’t know if I’d be any good as a father but…” He trailed off, and you had an idea as to what he was thinking. So you interrupted, gently tilting his head towards you with a hand on his cheek.
“You’re nothing like him ‘Vi. Believe me when I say that. You are nothing like him,” —you leaned into him, smiling softly against his lips in a fleeting kiss— “You’d make such a good father.” You didn’t want to mention how you already knew this through his relationship with the 104th. You didn’t want to mention how you see the way they look up to him as a role model, and a father figure for most of them. You knew it would be too much for him.
Levi kept your lips against his for a moment longer, savouring your warmth, before tucking you protectively back into his chest, his hands returning to their original positions on your back.
It took you a second to comprehend. Levi wanted a family. With you. After the war. He wanted a child, maybe two, with you. And there was nothing you could do to stop the tear sliding down your cheek.
For a split second, Levi was alarmed. Had he said something wrong? Did you hate the idea? Did it scare you? But your wet giggle pushed those doubts from his mind, easing his constricted chest.
“I cannot wait to spoil the shit out of them.” You announced tearily, causing Levi’s hands to fist in your tee, staving off his own emotions.
“If you’re anything like as bad as you are with my squad, they’re gonna be brats before they can even talk.” Levi didn’t even notice what he’d said until he mulled this conversation over later, once you were fast asleep.
Brats. Plural.
You chuckled into his chest, getting comfy again in his embrace as your eyes started to weigh down by exhaustion and the pull of sleep. “Love you ‘Vi.” Levi’s hand found a home in your hair, scratching gentle caresses against your scalp to sleep.
“Love you too, freak.”
The spattering of gunfire accompanied the short whip back up to the airship, your heart in your mouth, beating like a deep caught in lamplight. You’d prepared for their superior military prowess. You’d prepared for a fight with the Cart and the Jaw titans. But what you hadn’t prepared for, was the utter terrified panic of being caught in the crossfire. Though the mission was over, and Eren had been more or less safely recovered from the hands of the enemy, you still felt nauseous.
So many people had died. So many people. The Scouts had arrived after Eren had crushed half of the population gathered at the internment zone. The screaming could be heard throughout the city, and you could hear it from the airship. Now nothing could be heard but commanding shouts and the prattle of guns. It was a sound you knew would haunt you for the rest of your life.
But you had Eren back. And much to Levi’s dismay, Zeke.
You unhooked your anchors from the wood of the airship exterior, using the net to pull yourself up onto the deck. Most had already made it back. Only Lobov and a few others were left helping up stragglers and taking down stray gunmen. You couldn’t help but be morbidly amused by how many MPs and Garrison members had switched regiments after hearing about Eren. How their opinions had changed now they didn’t think the war was fruitless. You couldn't have thought more opposite if you tried. The world seemed so much smaller and more manageable when it was just Paradis and the titans. Now you were severely outmatched, and hedging peace on the fact that Eren could start the rumbling if he sneezed too damn hard.
You dusted yourself off as you stood, already hearing voices from the smaller room next door. Most you recognised, one you didn’t, and one that you associated with home. Tucking your Anti Personnel Gear back into the holsters, you strode across the ship, sliding the door open to the voices you heard.
Upon seeing you safe and alive at the doorway, Levi felt himself relax, his muscles unclenching despite the company he was currently keeping. Of course, you kept it professional when out in the field. Folding your arms, you stopped by his side, peering down at Eren.
“Jean was just behind me, I think Lobov and his squad are left rounding up stragglers.” You didn’t even look at him. Didn’t need to. You felt his nod next to you as your gaze narrowed to who you remembered as a young boy.
Now the centre of a war.
Your heart broke as he raised his eyes to you. You’d never seen him look so hopeless. So lifeless. But he somewhat winced at your presence, as if you’d gone to strike him. As if he was shocked you were even there. You tilted your head, mouth open with a question, before a triumphant roar cut you off. Lobov must have returned, which meant everyone was back.
You and Levi glanced at each other, a quick, silent order and confirmation.
“Back in a second.” you tapped his elbow before leaving his side, heading back out to the main deck to quieten the rowdy, over-excited Scouts. Though you almost felt bad doing so. They had a right to be relieved, those who’d survived. Technically speaking, the mission was a great success.
But the thousands of faces now stuck in endless, silent screams of horrified agony below you left a sour taste in your mouth. You couldn’t celebrate this. Entering the throng from the back, you fought past the many arms thrown in the air victoriously, finally meeting eyes with Jean a few paces in front of you. Sending him a pleading look, Jean threw you an apologetic smile, clearing his throat to silent the crowd. Or at least get them to lower their voices, when two things happened.
You’d noticed Sasha looking a little alert when you managed to spot her next to Jean, but you assumed it was simply a byproduct of the battle, adrenaline still coursing through her veins. Until a small gap opened up in the crowd, and ice spiked your blood. Your own protective instincts kicked in as you moved, feeling like you could take on the entire world yourself as you screamed the girl’s name, your voice blending with the ear-splitting crack of a gunshot.
Time froze as your body collided with her side. And for a brief moment, you thought the young girl with a fire in her eyes had missed her target, both of you would walk away unscathed.
But ripping agony through your torso tore you from your brief moment of hope, the impact sending you sprawling back, barely registering the shock of your skull against the wooden floor.
A beat hung low in the air as everyone processed what had just happened, before the room erupted.
Raged screams, vicious shouts melded with the sick thumping of fists against flesh, the hollow whomp of feet into ribs. But you could do nothing to stop it. Shock wracked your system, limbs shaking from the excess adrenaline keeping the brunt of the pain at bay. You gasped for breath, barely able to drag yourself away from the rampage, a hand on your sternum. You cracked your eyes open, your heart aching for the pre-teens who’d been caught up in a war.
They’re no different, you thought, to most of the people in this room. Far too young to understand the consequences of their actions. So easily swayed by the wills of their superiors. Cultivating hatred and fear, forcing them to fight for an agenda they would barely understand at their age.
You didn’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault.
“We should toss them out.” You recognised that weasel Floch’s voice. Glancing to that mop of red hair, you spat blood as you tried to speak up.
“Don’t you f’fucking dare… they’re– they’re kids… T’take them to Co… Commander Hange…” You struggled for breath, phlegm and blood clogging your throat as you spat again, wincing at the adrenaline dulled wound in your torso.
And it was as if the entire room had forgotten you were there. In their lust for revenge, they’d forgotten what had happened, and who now lay on the floor, staining the boards crimson. Only Sasha seemed outwardly concerned by your condition, pressing both her hands against your chest.
“We, we need bandages! Now! I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry if I had just listened to myself, I knew I’d heard something I knew I had but I just, I thought it was nothing I’m so sorry this, this is all my fault I’m so so-”
“Sasha.” the girl stopped at the sound of her name, scarlet staining your teeth as you broke into a soft smile. “Stop. You’re… you’re fine, okay? You’re okay…” Sasha nodded with conviction, pressing her hands harder against your leaking wound. You nodded gratefully to Jean as he passed you, leading the two kids to the front of the ship. His expression cracked as he paused before you, as if he couldn’t quite comprehend what he was seeing, but understood what he needed to do.
Who he needed to get.
‘Thank you’ you mouthed, too exhausted to speak anymore, your vision already beginning to swim. It was a strange feeling, bleeding out. It almost felt as if you were floating, your mind finally released from the prison of your body, free to wander and roam as the iron bars are left to rot and decay. Even as your limbs and body were moved for you, every movement felt sluggish, fluid, like it wasn’t blood in your veins, but rather liquid lead, weighing you down.
The ground beneath you grew distant, you weren’t sure whether it was because you were dying, or because someone had picked you up, but you felt your head loll backward, too heavy for your neck to carry. Colours darkened around you, scenery changed, and you were placed somewhere quiet. Away from concerned looks and distant snivels. Cloth beneath your head, wood beneath your body. You think.
Only once before had Levi’s entire world been shattered at once. Life seemed to enjoy chipping away at his walls, carefully constructed dams in constant need for repair, but the second Jean Kirstein uttered those words, he felt a void open just below his heart. The only possibility he could think of was his own mishearing, because there was no way…
Not you…
“Where is she?” someone asked, but he couldn’t focus on who, until Jean kept eye-contact and he realised it was him. He’d asked. Did he? Levi honestly couldn’t remember.
“Sasha took her to the empty side room. Captain… we don’t think she’s going to make it…” it was as if all air had been sucked from his lungs. Breathing simply wasn’t an option as he tried to compartmentalise his feelings. But it was like trying to trap a maelstrom in a music box.
The room fell into absolute silence, only to be instantly broken by hysterical laughter behind him.
That maelstrom of emotions amalgamated into one, seething, burning storm of utter furious hatred.
Levi turned, slowly, to Eren Jaeger, who had seemed to have completely lost his mind. Rattling gasps of insane hilarity burst from his chest with each wet, inhaled sob. Despite Levi being a master of composing himself, he moved too fast for anyone to intervene. Before another onslaught of laughter could fill the room, he shoved his boot through Eren’s teeth, relishing in the blood leaking from his freshly torn gums. He withdrew his foot, and kicked again, the crunch of leather cracking bone somewhat soothed his torrent of fury, but only worsened his thirst for more. Though his face betrayed nothing. Blank expression, a statue in a garden of melancholy, Levi’s face remained neutral whilst he kicked in Eren’s jaw.
He could have killed him. Would have killed him. If he hadn’t gone off on his own, if he hadn’t tried to do everything alone, if he hadn’t forced Hange’s hand, put everyone in danger, put you in danger, then…
The blows became rhythmic, almost metronome like in spacing. Eren said nothing, only taking his lumps as the crack of his shattered nose joined the cacophony of splitting bones.
“Captain Levi, sir?” it had only just occurred to him how nobody had tried to stop him. Nobody had even tried to hold him back, not even that sullen brat who always ran after Jaeger. She just stood back and looked away, wincing with each impact. It was only Sasha’s arrival that had his pause, foot lodged in Eren’s unhinged, bloodied jaw as he turned to her tear stained face. “She… she’s asking for you, sir. Mentioned something about a–a tea shop? I… I don’t know I– she–”
“Thank you, Sasha.” he wasn’t piloting his body anymore. Whoever, or whatever had taken over, he was nothing but a bystander now, watching and listening as he reacted to the things around him, his feet carrying him past the teary eyed young girl. It reminded him that you were right. They really are just kids.
Levi did his best to ignore all the sullen looks of pity as he crossed through the main deck, pausing only to address the two medics exiting your room just as he survived. They, too, didn’t look hopeful. He did his best to ignore that as well.
“Sir… she–”
“I’m aware. Thank you, soldiers. Rest now.” It was ironic, he thought, how he was providing comfort at a time where he couldn’t have been more wounded. Though they nodded gratefully and stepped out of his way.
And though he had seen you vulnerable countless times, he’d never seen you weak quite like this. The room was almost completely shrouded in darkness, only the faint glow of the main deck beyond the closed door cast a low, shadowy light against loose objects. Levi froze, having no idea how to tackle this. But for the millionth time in your shared lives, you saved him.
“What took you so long?” It was your tired smile that thrust him back into control, all at once drowning in the pulling weights of slowly losing you. Levi tried to stifle the tremor in his hands as he came to your side, lowering himself to where he could manoeuvre you into his lap. It was painstakingly slow, stopping with every pained hiss or whimper you couldn’t keep at bay, but he finally had you cradled against him, his arms encasing you in his strong hold. “You’re so… damn warm, ‘s’nice.” You pressed yourself into him as much as you could, but any strength you once had drained away, soaked in the bandages along with too much of your blood.
It was then Levi realised he wasn’t warm. Not particularly. You were just fucking freezing. And you said as much, with a meek “‘m cold…”, prompting him to unclasp his cloak from around his shoulders and tuck it around your gently trembling body.
With a final tucking of a loose strand of hair behind your ear, Levi settled down with you swaddled in his lap, thumb glossing over your frozen cheek.
“Sasha,” —he cleared his throat— “Sasha said you told her about our tea shop?” God it was all he could do to stop himself from breaking to pieces. All he could do to fight his own voice to keep it even. Steady.
It was a losing battle.
“Oh… yeah I wanted t’to… I wanted to apolo’gise. T’to you. Might have… to run the sh’shop alone now… heh, sorry ‘bout that,” a rogue tear slipped down his face, and he was thankful for the dim lighting. You were dying and that was what’s worrying you? Levi glanced down to the bandages around your middle, crimson still slowly staining the cloth. The bleeding wasn’t stopping. “Shame really… m’medics… medics said if, if we weren’t on’n the air’airship then maybe… maybe…” you trailed off, leaving Levi to fill in the rest for you. But it was too much to voice aloud. That if you weren’t on the airship, if Eren hadn't gone off on his own…
You would have survived this.
“Levi…?” His silence had prolonged too long, and though he felt like he was trying to swim with claws for hands, he managed a small smile, smoothing down your hairline.
“Mm?”
“Tell me a story,” He closed his eyes against the pain your request brought him, his heart raw and throbbing as it was slowly torn in two with each passing minute. But he gently shifted you onto your side, laying your head on the folded fabric of your cape before he lay down next to you.
The feeling was achingly familiar. Tucking your softly into his chest as if you’d just settled down for the night. When you couldn’t sleep, you’d ask him to tell you a story. You didn’t care what of, so mostly it was anecdotes from his past, expedition successes or Hange’s bathtimes. It was rare Levi would tell you something fabricated.
But now wasn’t the time for his disdain of make-believe. He knew your favourite tale like the back of his hand. Knew the twists and turns, the dialogue and characters. So with a hand on your back, keeping track of your weak breaths, he started your tale.
A small kernel of hope kindled in his chest when you corrected him after he deliberately mixed up part of the story. If he could keep your mind going then maybe, maybe you would make it back to Paradis. Maybe the medics were wrong… maybe you could survive this.
So he kept messing up, and you kept correcting him. But in his false hope, he’d forgotten about the rise and fall of your chest until it had diminished into micro-movements. And the next correction never came. Levi tried again, his voice cracking with your continued silence.
“Please…?” He knew it was fruitless, you no longer held your grip on his uniform, your fist having fallen limp in his cradle. He waited for your breath that never came, for your tired smile that refused to pull.
But he held you tighter than ever. “Wait for me,” —he pleaded to your deafened ears— “let me finish what we started, and I'll join you just, please,” Levi’s shoulders cracked with a silent sob, his fingers tangling into your limp locks.
“Wait for me.”
#levi ackerman x reader#levi x reader#levi x you#levi ackerman x you#levi x y/n#captain levi#levi ackerman#levi attack on titan#levi#levi aot#levi ackerman angst#aot x you#aot levi#aot fanfiction#aot x y/n#snk fanfiction#snk levi#snk x reader#snk x you#levi imagine#levi one shot
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[One Piece Headcanons] OP Boys -> reacting to thirst tweets
Characters: Zoro, Sanji, Law, Kid, Ace, Sabo, Luffy, Killer, Shanks, Mihawk
Tags: modern au, extremely crude language, sexually suggestive, daddy kink mention
Author's Note: Based on Buzzfeed's Celebrity Thirst Tweets. Since no one’s gonna write this, I will! Please don't take this seriously. 😂
RORONOA ZORO
Reads every message with a deadpan expression.
Thinks every message involving violence like "he could punch me and I'd thank him" or "he could step on me and I'd beg for more" are somehow related to training. 💪🏻
Doesn't understand how people can say certain things out loud but he's intrigued nonetheless.
Fan: "I would let those tiddies of his waterboard me any day of the week. 👁👅👁"
Zoro: "...That doesn't seem comfortable. Is that for an endurance exercise?"
SANJI
The thirstier, the better.
Not for his health though.
Nosebleeds after the third message.
His fans are surprised he lasted that long honestly.
And no, not in that way. 😏
Can't stop gushing blood 'cause his thoughts are running W I L D.
Someone has to call an ambulance for an emergency blood transfusion 'cause it's not stopping tonight. 🚑
Fan: "I would love to wrap up my sweet baby boy, Sanji, in warm blankets and cuddle him for being such an angel. But I would also let him raw me so hard until my legs can't hold me up anymore. 😌"
Sanji: *trips over himself, collapses and almost dies*
TRAFALGAR LAW
You know that confused math lady meme? That's basically him.
Thinks way too hard about each message like there's some deeper meaning but really they just want his DICK. 🍆 🍑 👀
Constantly questions his fans' sanity.
Fan: "Law has free reign to pelvic thrust my face until I pass out. And then, he could slice me up afterward and I'd worship him for it. 🥵"
Law: "Interesting. I wonder if you would be willing to accept an examination? Of the medical kind, of course."
EUSTASS KID
Knows that people act differently online vs. in person.
So he adds fuel to the fire.
Acts like he's down to fuck.
But only because he knows most people don't have the guts to follow through.
Fan: "Kid's like 6'8. I'm like 99 percent sure that his cock is fucking massive. He would absolutely D E S T R O Y me, but tbh I ain't gonna be the one complaining. 🤤"
Kid: "Wanna come say that to my face?" *wide grin*
PORTGAS D. ACE
Flustered af but extremely polite it's laughable.
It could literally be the raunchiest message and he'll fucking thank them like they just complimented his hat weaving skills.
Gives a small bow after reading every tweet.
Genuinely surprised that so many people find him attractive enough to thirst over him.
Fan: "I know Ace always prances around shirtless but can he also go pantsless too? Please just let him be straight up naked. I need to admire that thicc ass of his. 😩"
Ace: "That's very kind of you. Thank you so much for the compliment. 😊"
SABO
Cheeky bastard.
Reads the messages very slowly with no shame whatsoever.
Responds cooly and makes eye-contact with the camera.
Fan: "Listen here, bitches. I only drink two things to quench this thirst: water and Sabo's cum. And water's not gonna cut it for me anymore. 🙃"
Sabo: "I appreciate your enthusiasm, and I will keep this in mind." *smirks at the camera*
MONKEY D. LUFFY
Asks a question every single damn time. LMAO.
Straight up definition of ???
Visibly confused like a lost puppy.
"What does bussy mean?"
"What is creampie? Is that food?"
"I don't understand what they mean by blow. They want to blow me? But I can already blow myself."
Proceeds to use Gear Third to enlarge himself. 😧
Chaos ensues. Cameras start flying everywhere and the studio begins to panic.
KILLER
Shy af. 😳
Has to pause in between reading each thirsty message due to embarrassment.
Surprised at the horniness of the tweets.
Luckily for him, his mask hides his flustered face well.
Fan: "I want Killer to suffocate me with those thicc thighs of his. I would literally thank him for it. 😩"
Killer: "Hmm... That doesn't sound very pleasurable."
SHANKS
110% down to clown. 🤡
Laughs every time he reads about people thirsting over him.
He's sexy, he knows it, and he's not going to apologize for it.
Ends up making his fans blush instead.
Asks the interviewer for the most explicit messages.
Basically, do your worst. He can handle it.
Fan: "Shanks, I'm just a hole, sir."
Shanks: "If that's how you want it to be, sweetie. I promise I'll be gentle." *winks at camera* 😏
DRACULE MIHAWK
Out of touch with internet culture.
Lost with all the abbreviations and slang.
Has to ask the interviewer what "thirsty thot" means.
Responds to the horny messages with his own banter but with the most serious expression ever.
Flattered that people find him attractive.
Fan: "Oh god. Daddy Mihawk, please I stg I will literally pay to lick those sweet abs. 👅"
Mihawk: "I'm not your father, but I suppose I will entertain you just this once."
#one piece x reader#roronoa zoro x reader#sanji x reader#trafalgar law x reader#eustass kid x reader#portgas d. ace x reader#sabo x reader#monkey d. luffy x reader#killer x reader#shanks x reader#dracule mihawk x reader#this is a joke post lmao#i need to entertain myself i'm sorry#i understand if you block me#mywriting#one piece headcanons#one piece writing
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Okay. I’m going to ramble about LMK, specifically the idea of a Macaque redemption arc!
I don’t have any friends to talk about this to, so enjoy this post! I just needed to put this somewhere that’s not my brain.
(Spoiler-y for lmk season three, see more under the cut.)
I didn’t even proofread this or check for errors. Just have this chaotic strings of thoughts lol
I feel like the only possible way that a Macaque to have a even sort of satisfactory redemption is if he sacrifices himself in the special(?) that’s coming out(if there is one?)
in season three, in my opinion (it’s okay if you disagree just don’t come after me for having it)
I felt really bad for Macaque. It was much easier to dislike him when he was nothing but a cocky bastard that projected his trauma onto others.
What really unnerved me was when the said cocky bastard looked genuinely scared Of LBD.
It didn’t feel right. And it’s been hinted on Twitter by a writer that LBD manipulated Macaque into thinking SWK killed him, even though he didn’t(???)
Yes he’s done some shitty stuff but I think it would be cool to see him try and make up for his mistakes.
As of right now, Mk gave him a chance to help fix what he caused and he ran away like a coward.
The only way the team would ever willingly take him in is if he got wounded while sacrificing himself to help them.
I think Mk wouldn’t want Macaque to die, even if he doesn’t trust him.
Now what would be REALLY cool is if when SWK arrives to try and fight LBD, he gets overwhelmed and is losing. Maybe Mk couldn’t get there in time or SWK is at a spot where Mk can’t reach.
Maybe SWK is bracing for the final strike when from out of the shadows, rises Macaque.
He takes the blow for his old friend and he, Mk, Mei, and SWK win the fight.
Of course LBD is still alive, she just retreated back to megatropolis. They won a fight, not the war.
Mk is excited and relieved that Monkey King is okay, when both of their attentions turn towards Mac.
He’s wounded. Badly.
Macaque tries to slip back into his shadows to avoid confrontation but gets grabbed by SWK. He then proceeds to pass tf out.
Cue an awkward redemption arc from Macaque while he recovers from his injuries. Slowly but surely he starts coming out from his shell.
ALSO THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART
Later in the season after some of the redemption arc, Mk completely looses control while fighting. Macaque tries to stop the kid seeing him beginning to go too far, but Mk just looks Macaque dead in the eyes and is like,
“I don’t use a weapon, I am the weapon.”
And then just fucking explodes with magic.
Nobody can calm him down. Not Mei, not Redson, not even Monkey King.
But Macaque takes a page out of Mk’s book and does the same for him that Mk did for Mei when she lost control, Mac starts talking and trying to reach him.
Mac: Mk look, I was wrong! I shouldn’t have ever said that to you.
Mk doesn’t respond but Macaque steps closer, fighting against the gale of magic trying to push him away.
Mac: you’re not a weapon, you’re so much more than that! And I’m… I’m sorry Mk. I’m so sorry.
Mk’s eyes widen and the gale stops, and Macaque reaches him and wraps his arms around the kid.
It was the first hug Macaque had in years. (It would be even better if in a previous episode there was a joke about Macaque never hugging/touching people)
After a moment of initial shock, Mk reciprocated it, fully regaining control in the process.
God I just really want a redemption arc for him. Like really badly.
Anyways. If you got to the end of this I’m impressed lmao. Feel free to let me know what you think!
:)
#lmk season 3#lmk#lego monkie kid#monkiekid#ella’s ramblings#six eared macaque#please just give the theatre kid a cool redemption arc please#i wish I had someone to talk to about this#but hey! it’s your problem now!#myy headcanons
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