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thefreedomwriter · 3 years

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The asshole support group.

(A scene by: Kari Keillor)

Asshole 1: I’m soooo mad…

Asshole 2: me too… shit! We’re assholes.

Asshole 3: Yes. We are.

Asshole 4: I am pissed.

Asshole 5: Me too.

Asshole 1: Then let’s call this meeting of the support groups for assholes to order.

Asshole 5: Wait a minute, who died and made you lead asshole of this group?

Asshole 1: Asshole 6 did.

Asshole 5: he’s dead?

Asshole 1: I dunno… I assumed he was cause he hasn’t been to group for at least 3 weeks.

Asshole 5: Oh, yeah. Probably dead. Man, he was a great asshole…

(All assholes bow their heads in asshole reverence)

Asshole 5: That still doesn’t make you lead asshole…

Asshole 2: Ok, listen, enough. we’re happy being assholes, right?!

All assholes other than 2: Right!

Asshole 2: Yeah, of course we are. We’re proud assholes, that hate change, cause we hold our assholeism dear!

Asshole 3: Fuck yeah, we do! We’re the best assholes! Loud and proud assholes! That’s what we are!

All assholes other than 3: Yeah!!!!! Long live the asshole nation!

Asshole 3: Yeahhhh! And we’re proud of it, right?!

Asshole 4: Um, we just said we were. Shit! Don’t you listen?

Asshole 3: My God, are you an asshole!

Asshole 4: Gee! Thanks! Thar means a lot coming from a huge asshole such as yourself.

Asshole 3: Ok then, let’s just agree, that being assholes, takes precedence over our happiness.

Asshole 1: Ok, speak for yourself, cause I’m super pumped about being an asshole.

Asshole 4: Yeah, me too, cause as an asshole, I follow all the other assholes, and what that asshole just said, goes double for me!

Asshole 5: Yeah! Me too, making me the biggest asshole of them all!

Asshole 1: Hey, no it doesn’t. doesn’t that make me the lead asshole?!

Asshole 5: No! I want to be the lead asshole!

Asshole 1: No!

Asshole 2: Listen, I think he (points to asshole 1) is the lead asshole.

Asshole 5: You are an asshole!

Asshole 1: Yeah! That’s the consensus… isn’t it?!

All other assholes: Oh, Yeah! (Soft mumbling of asshole agreement.)

Asshole 3: Well, this asshole here (points to asshole 5) is a bigger asshole than you are, so I vote for him being the lead asshole of this group.

Asshole 2: You are an asshole, and you’re an ass kissing asshole, which makes you the worst kind of asshole ever!

Asshole 3: Great! Then I win! I’m the worst asshole ever, making me the best lead asshole for this group.

Asshole 5: (mumbles) tricky asshole...

All: ohhhh fuuuuuuck are were assholes.

(All assholes shrug like in a 70s opening of a sitcom)

Asshole 2: wait a minute! I made up the asshole shrug!

Asshole 4: Um, I’m sorry, were you on “Laverne and Shirley” or “Threes company”?

Asshole 2: No. I am not. I am an asshole. They, were not.

Asshole 4: Alright then, you didn’t create the shrug. They did.

Asshole 3: Asshole....

Asshole 4: isn’t that the point of this group?

Asshole 3: Yes! Right! Huzzah!

Richard Pryor: (pops his head into the group): I’m sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing... I just happened to be walking by, and I heard the sound of excessive verbal diarrhea. Are you all alright in here?

Asshole 2: Yes, it’s just us assholes. We are having a meeting.

Richard: Right! The asshole support group! I’ve heard of you all before.

Asshole 3: Yes. We’re famous for being assholes, yes.

Richard: Yes. I can tell, and it makes sense. Hey, listen, as long as I’m here, did I just hear you say that Laverne, and Shirley, and threes company invented shrugging?

Asshole 3: Yeah. We’re assholes, so we think in an asshole fashion…

Redd foxx:: What is that SMELL?!?

Richard: It’s just the verbal diarrhea of the asshole’s mouths of this asshole support group.

Redd: Well, assholes gonna asshole, I guess. Anyway, I have one question for you assholes…

Asshole 5: What’s that, Jerk fach?

Aunt Esther from Sanford and son: (barges in the room with her purse) Oooohhhh no! Wait a minute, fool.... You are NOT talking to my Fred like that... I can’t stand him either, but he’s my heathen, NOT yours to talk in your blasphemous ways, you fish eyed, asshole!

Asshole 5: (to the other assholes) What in the hell is she talking about?

Aunt Esther: You don’t HAVE to know what I’m talking about, Sucker! You say shit like that again and I will jump down your throat and tear your asshole out your mouth and chase it down the street while it runs away singing “moon river”! Ooooooh glory!!!!!

(All assholes cower in fear. Esther chases one out the door hitting him with her purse.)

Redd: Ok, anyways, as I was saying, back to my question. When you assholes bathe, do you wash your whole ass group together, or just yourselves?

Richard: Bahhhhhh Ahahaha!

Scene.

#writing sample #writing #freedom of choice #freedom of thought #freedom of movement #freedom of expression #comedy #second life #art imitates life #the freedom writer #assholes #love is laughter #laugh #change #change is needed #yes #change the energy

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