tothemaxxed

[tothemaxxed]

you don’t touch me anymore because i am not new and watching that loss of interest is heartbreaking

[tothemaxxed]

i don’t know what to do. a bitch is mentally ill and the only people who need to see it don’t while everyone else does

[tothemaxxed]

i’m always exhausted. not sleepy or tired, but exhausted. I wake up ready for the next time i go to bed. every interaction packs a punch and I don’t have the tools to fight back. My brain is a piece of work. I’m so so exhausted

[tothemaxxed]

✞ 666 ✞

[tothemaxxed]

every day i find proof that i am nowhere near healed of my trauma

you shut down on me and now i’m 10 years old begging you to talk so i can fix your mood

[tothemaxxed]

i spent about 2-3 hours in the sunlight today and have never felt better, something something photosynthesis

[tothemaxxed]

women have historically come up to me and been like “you’re the reason i found out i wasn’t straight” and i think that position deserves some on-site benefits

[tothemaxxed]

something something something canine poetry bite the hand that fingers you idk blah blah blah bird at your door

[tothemaxxed]

me when i’m a burnt child who loves the fire

[tothemaxxed]

things 16 year old me would be happy to learn:

- figuring out gender

- figuring out sexuality

- sick ass™️ aesthetic

things 16 year old me would not be happy to learn:

- mental illness got worse

- work ethic got worse

- we really can’t do the same stuff anymore

- we have less of a connection to blood family

[tothemaxxed]

me when i am so so fucked up in the head !! for why??????

feel like throwing up and then showering in my clothes to fight my urge to cry ALL BECAUSE of things i’m not even sure are real and i feel so so so sick

no wonder i don’t have energy for most people im so tired of fighting with myself

[tothemaxxed]

full of despair as the pomegranate bowl i made out of clay for my boyfriend crumbed in my hands on their birthday

[tothemaxxed]

yeah yeah yeah we’re dating and you want me to move with you but you haven’t said i love you in like 2 weeks to me

RAGH

#rant #writing

[tothemaxxed]

"Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing."

- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[tothemaxxed]

i be like “idc” then my chest start hurting

[tothemaxxed]

[tothemaxxed]

It doesn’t go that deep, I tell myself. The pool of cool, murky water that stands still in front of me spotlights the fish dancing amongst the vines below. The sun hits in scattered patterns through the trees to showcase the slight tinge of brown. I take a step in.

It doesn’t go that deep, I tell myself. I watch you make your way in front of me, unmoving as you ask about the way your shirt should be tucked in. The warm Christmas lights of the bar highlight the freckles on your face and our hands as they dance together for the first time. Our rings clatter as I draw closer and I can’t help but notice the light your eyes put out. I take a step in.

The water is cool, at least at first. Goosebumps beg to break through my skin as I push forward, moving cautiously so as to not disrupt the lives around me; I am a guest in this water. The fish tickle my feet and my bravery is rewarded with warmth as the sun defies the surrounding branches, settling the goosebumps and my once-shaking hands. I float for a moment.

This moment is cool, at least at first. We sit in my car because, no, you cannot skate home alone. I have goosebumps; whether it is from the tension stored in the center console or the game played inside my head where no one wins, I cannot decide. I pick my words carefully and move with uncertainty; I am a guest in this moment. They grab my hand and bring me in, rewarding my caution with desire. I float for a moment.

Never take for granted what is on the surface. Just because the sun beams down upon you and there is a moment of peace does not guarantee the moment is safe. As I float further and further out, the creatures of this home become curious. They swim around underneath my outstretched arms and kicking legs, searching for my identity. I wish I could have told them I didn’t have it, but to send it my way once they found it. They pulled me under instead.

Never take for granted what is on the surface. They do not like you. They like your body. They like your naivety. Just because they kiss you in a way that makes you gasp for air or hold you like you imagine God holds her creation does not guarantee the moment is safe. As I sleep less and less, they become more curious. They act like the mosquitoes from home: once they taste you, they will do anything to keep it around. They search around the various chests and shelves of my brain, looking for an identity. I’ve chosen a new one for them. They cannot know the real me before I do. They handle my physical being with care as I begin to cave. I feel them getting too close to the center and I wish I tell them to slow down. They pulled me under instead.

My peace is gone and is now occupied by the goosebumps from before. I thrash and kick and swallow more water than ever, hoping that my lungs would separate the oxygen from each drop. I’m only met with burning and brown. I should’ve known the water would drop off at some point. I cannot feel the warmth of the sun anymore. A limb guides me through the coldest of the water. I am scratching and biting, begging to be let go. I can no longer see the vines dancing in front of me or the fish mingling as they once did. I am tired. I am hurt. I am warm. I am so so warm. I let myself go.

My peace is gone and is now occupied by the goosebumps from before. I fight and push and keep my distance, hoping each step apart will somehow keep the feelings separate. I’m only met with burning and brown. I should’ve known I would drop off at some point. I can no longer feel the warmth of your hands against mine. A limb pulls me deeper in than I have ever dared to venture. I am scratching and biting, begging to be let go. I have never been this deep before. They have gotten too close. I am scared. I am tired. I am warm. I am so so warm. I let myself go.

#writing #writeblr #poem #my writing #poetry