am-i-dissociating-or-depressed

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

It'd be so easier to stop eating if all I felt was hungry, but no I have to be dizzy and lightheaded and unable to focus on work

#random shit #tw ed

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

Dealing with a binge ED while living alone is so annoying because no one believes you. I have no one to help hold me accountable except myself and, having fought ana before, everything I learned then is stopping me from getting better now.

Eat at regular intervals throughout the day? Now I eat even when I'm not hungry because it's the routine I've set

Too much food in the house? I'll eat a little bit of everything all day long and have 2 meals at once for the "variety"

No food in the house? That's a good excuse to order delivery because of COURSE you have to eat something

Have small snacks instead of big meals? Nope now it's both

And I can't help it. I want to have a healthy relationship with food but I can't, when I try to eat smaller portions or not binge my body treats me like a failure and I feel as though I'll pass out despite knowing that's not realistic anymore. If I'm not physically unwell, I'm mentally unwell and my brain tells me I need to eat more to feel better.

And the nightmare of it all is that I've gained so much weight in the process and become so overweight that I can't help but feel like I'd have been better off if I never recovered from ana at all

#random shit #tw ed #binge ed #ana #vent #fuck i needed to get that off my chest so bad

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

One of the best investments ive made in a while is a pair of Socker Boppers

Broke: "Try punching a pillow" it's too soft and isn't satisfying when I need to hit something like a wall

Woke: Punch the wall just protect your hands with cheap boxing gloves made for kids

#random shit

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

You know what's a surreal experience?

Using old pictures of yourself as thinspo

#random shit

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

#tw sa

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

It has been over a year since I was this close to unaliving but here we are

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

#recovery

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

I wish I had ana and I know how sick that is.

I am so eaten up and twisted by my own ED that I believe the lie and romanticisation surrounding ana. I am so sick I figure if I have to suffer why not suffer pretty? Why not suffer in a way that people get concerned about me? I'm so mad at my ED for being so invisible. No one cares about binge eating. I literally got upset when tumblr didn't ask me if everything was okay when I searched my tag for support as opposed to the other ones. It was like "validation" that mine isn't damaging. There's no one being concerned or caring.

I hate over eating. I wish I could be starving. If my stomach has to hurt I wish it was from being empty instead of over full. I wish I could watch my bones emerge instead of my skin swell.

#tw ed

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

For me, the hard part isn't the hunger i feel in my stomach, it's the one in my head

It's going to sleep with an empty stomach but a mind full of food, images of what i wish i could eat so vivid i can almost smell it, almost taste it, almost feel it in my mouth

It's waking up with a light stomach but heavy limbs, dragging myself out of bed in hope of finding something to eat for breakfast

It's pacing in the kitchen intending to eat something but unable to decide on anything because what would satisfy me is too high in calories but higher-volume/lower-calorie food seems bland and only leaves me wanting more and more

It's opening a book and reading three lines before picking up my phone instead, putting on music but skipping every song that comes on, going on tumblr then instagram then mpa without actually looking at anything, opening and closing random apps, sitting at my desk attempting to work then getting up and inevitably wandering back into the kitchen

It's opening the same fridge and cupboards seven times in a row even though i know exactly what's inside just because i can't bring myself to choose what to have but i still HAVE TO have something and cannot physically leave the kitchen in the meantime

It's eating a little bit of everything trying to find what would finally curb this insatiable and urgent need to have something

It's never being satisfied no matter what i do

It's caving in and having a bit of what i'm craving and immediately wanting more

It's chugging water and going for a walk without being able to shake the thought of food from my mind

It's fighting my brain day in and day out

This is the hard part (for me anyway)

#tw ed

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

Maybe I just hate trusting people in general, who knows

I've tried googling this, there's nothing.

Does anyone have advice from experience or links to an article for dealing with a fear of other people being in my home?

I don't feel unsafe in my home, I'm comfortable here alone. I don't worry someone's hiding in my house. But after a situation happened I have a fear of inviting people I know and love into my home, even just for a visit.

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

I've tried googling this, there's nothing.

Does anyone have advice from experience or links to an article for dealing with a fear of other people being in my home?

I don't feel unsafe in my home, I'm comfortable here alone. I don't worry someone's hiding in my house. But after a situation happened I have a fear of inviting people I know and love into my home, even just for a visit.

#random shit #trauma #tw sa #tw sexual assault #because its regarding that situation #agoraphobia #social anxiety #idk what to tag for this im sorry

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

Abusive parents constantly undermining your accomplishments until you no longer believe in yourself is such a specific and insane experience. You’re going thru life and you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, you work hard, you try to do your best and get acknowledged for at least something, and it’s already hard because your confidence is awful and you don’t feel yourself able of much, but then you do something for what everyone else is celebrated for! You win an award, or you finish school, or you win a contest, or you gain a title, or you learn to drive a car, you get thru a difficult course, you start creating something people like and admire, you get a job, you manage to get something done despite huge obstacles and low resources, you get thru exams even tho you’re all sick and stressed, you actually manage to do all the things your parents were telling you from the day one you wouldn’t be able to do, and then what happens?

Nothing. Your parents skim across it as if it was nothing. They refuse to pay attention to it at all, and act like it didn’t even happen. Or even worse, they immediately create a diversion, some family drama or start celebrating some dumb accomplishment of their own to make it all about them, and completely bury anything you’ve done. If you dare remind them that they acted like you could never do it, they act like you still didn’t do it, you just got lucky, it must have not been hard at all if even “you” have managed to get it done. You see your friends, other people you know, being congratulated, being thrown parties, given presents, patted on the back, being told they’ll go far and accomplish much, them getting it done is a Big Deal! But why not you? How come when you do it, it suddenly doesn’t count? How come when someone else finishes school or a difficult course they’re being regarded as smart and capable, but you’re still proclaimed dumb and incapable of anything? What it is about you that makes even your accomplishment invisible, unworthy of attention of praise, unable to reclaim you from the supposed dumbness and incapability you’re always accused of? What are you supposed to do then, to no longer be stupid and inadequate? And you chase bigger things, bigger accomplishments, maybe if you’re the best, the best of everyone, they’ll be forced to acknowledge you, they wont be able to pretend anymore that you’re nothing. But no matter what you do, it’s just snorted upon, and you’re brutally reminded how you’re nothing, how you wouldn’t even be able to live if your parents didn’t feed you. As if everyone else wasn’t fed by their parents. 

This pushes you either into insane perfectionism and feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough, or into helplessness, no longer wanting to even try anything because it’s painful, and scary to do so much and still not move from one spot. You end up believing what they tell you, that it’s impossible to redeem yourself, that nothing you could do could make you not dumb, not incapable, not unworthy of praise. 

It’s infuriating because the reason parents do this is nowhere near “trying to help you be better” or “because they know you the best and can tell you the truth about you”, most often it’s precisely to put you in the state of helplesness so you would stay dependent on them! They want you in the state of belief that there’s nothing you can do right, and that you’re only alive because of them, and cannot survive on your own, because then they can control you and blackmail you with your life on line! And there’s two more reasons and they’re disgusting, the first is jealousy, abusive parents are actively jealous if their child manages to succeed where they couldn’t! They will readily bury and humiliate a child just to feel better about their own capabilities, to convince themselves that they’re still better, superior, that their accomplishments count more than children’s ever will, they do it to reassure themselves that the child is dumb compared to them, when the reality is everything but. 

And the last reason is, to push the child so far into achievement it destroys the child, but then they can take credit. They can brag to everyone how their child’s incredible results are of parent’s making! They get to act like they’re amazing parents and that’s why their child is achieving high results! If they can, they will even make money and gain fame from a talented child, and if they can’t, then the talent is worthless and should be repressed and insulted for not bringing anything to them.

Your parents lied. Even they know your accomplishments aren’t nothing. If they were nothing, they would never be a threat to them. They would never have to talk them down. They would never try to take credit. They would never spend time convincing you that you’re dumb or inadequate. They would never have to convince you that you cannot live independently. They would never feel the need to out-shine you or to make it all about themselves. Their actions show they knew. They consciously tried to keep you down, not because you were down, but because you were going up. And they didn’t like that.

Even as I write this, I know it wont make it better, not until you get proper acknowledgment, credit, congratulations and praise from people you believe in, you wont be able to believe in yourself. We are social creatures who need social feedback to believe in ourselves. We should get it. And those who deny it to us do not want us good things.

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

also i wonder what it’s like to not be afraid that you annoy every single person you ever interact with

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

I threw away a lot of food today

It was still good, nothing expired. I just didn't want it in my house anymore

#tw ed #random shit

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

pretty sexy of me to keep going despite each day being more unbearable than the last

#recovery

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

So glad I don't own a gun

#random shit

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

SOMEONE CALL ME BY MY FUCKING NAME, not this fucking body's name, mine