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art-imps · 7 months

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A masterpost of (almost) everything problematic Emilie Autumn’s ever said and written

Introduction

A few days ago, someone on asked @shefightslikeagirl about examples of Emilie being condescending/ableist toward other mental illnesses than her own, and/or trying to elevate bipolar above others. Here’s my masterpost of the things I remembered and found (bear in mind it’s not nearly entirety of problematic things she’s said). It’s going to be a long, scan/screen heavy and commentary heavy text, so brace yourself for a lot of information. I think it’s all well known to old timers, but new fans coming aren’t always “in the know” and keep asking about past dramas. Here’s almost everything you need to know.

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When I was compiling all that and writing commentary, I had both MY personal opinion and the fandom’s opinions. I try to explain why those things are problematic. I added a lot of my own commentary especially in book scans section, in the form of me personally speaking to Emilie, as a direct response to what she wrote. Keep in mind it won’t be unbiased text, there’s a lot of my personal opinions here, I think it’s impossible to write a completely unbiased, sideless, proffesional text at this point, cause a lot of what she said/wrote hurt/disappointed/disgusted me and others and it would be really hard to do this without even a slightest bit of sarcasm. (But it’s all good. Emilie likes sarcasm, right? She even thinks most of the world is too stupid to understand sarcasm, it’s only her that is so intelligent. Plague Rats claimed they love sarcasm too, so why not having some?)

Also, I don’t care if I violated anyone’s Emilie-protective feelings, I don’t have problem with posting scans of the book. This version of the book is no longer available to buy in eBook version, no less in paper version, and I don’t think it will ever be anymore. Fragments I posted are NOT included in newest versions of her book and to know the context, you need to take a look at at the text. I won’t tell you to read page this and this in a book that is impossible to obtain.

I know a lot of you will say it’s all a big exaggeration. Well, there are certain things I didn’t pay attention earlier, things I took with a grain of salt or ignored, but now, as I got older, I notice those things and look at them a little differently. I listed most (not nearly ALL) things that were and can be viewed as problematic. These are just scans/screens plus commentary, I can’t and won’t persuade you to change your mind or behave a certain way in current situation. It’s your thing what you’re gonna think and do.

I know a lot of newer fans or those blindly in love with Emilie won’t agree with me or say:

1. „Oh that’s sarcasm, she’s not serious”

2. „it’s not a big deal”

3. „it’s EA, what were you expecting” or even

4. „I know all that and I don’t care.” I’m talking here on that „holier than thou” „I’m above you, suckers” attitude.

To those I have following responses:

Ad. 1 No, not every time she said those things Emilie was sarcastic. Some things she meant 100% serious and it’s widely known. And even when she jokes or is ironic, this doesn’t excuse her when she says completely hurtful, ableist, racist or (drugist? How do you call having biases against drug users?). „It was a joke”, this way you could excuse absolutely everything. And the hurt still remains, additional hurt and harm. Think about it for a while.

Ad. 2 I won’t force you to understand anything, all I can do is laying out evidences and explaining what’s so wrong about them. I cannot understand those who claim Emilie is 100% Innocent and has never done anything wrong. You’re either painfully blind or you’re lying to yourself. Hopefully you will see it for yourself in a few years, when you grow up a little, or when she personally hurt you too (block you, lash out at you, cast you out of her Asylum).

Ad. 3 Well, we accepted to be in an environment of understanding and empathy, a house for outsiders, a safes pace. That’s how Asylum was presented. The most of if not entirety of hate/drama/hurt and problematic situations were caused by Emilie directly. NOW, now we don’t expect anything from her. But back when all the shit was fresh and happening, we were confused and lied to ourselves, making unnecessary excuses for a grown up woman that refused to explain it herself and take responsibility for her actions, and we thought she would eventually grow up and change for the better each and every next time, up until most of us has had enough, either now with the current drama or a few past dramas.

Ad. 4 I can’t force you to change your mind, also I’m not forcing anyone to boycott Emilie, to stop listening to Emilie, to understand my point of view. Do whatever the fuck you want, I don’t really care. Just don’t boast around how little you care, how you’re „above it all”, cause it mostly doesn’t speak well of you when you think all things are alright and easily dismissable. Also, nobody will look up to you as someone „cooler” or anything. Nobody cares if you ignore her shit or not. Do whatever the hell you want.

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Now, you can read entire thing or jump straight to the sections for whatever you need to read. Here’s a little bit of introduction with commentary on her „ward” thing, W14A, 3 diaries vs „Evidence of insanity” parts of the books and the newest ECT bullshit she added to newer versions of the book.

List of sections:

1. Introduction: the „asylum” and „psych ward”/”Evidence of insanity”/ECT

2. Fatshaming

3. Ableism

4. „Manatee R*tard”

5. Britney Spears

6. Emilie’s feelings towards drug addicts

7. Romanticizing of bipolar disorder

8. Emilie’s bipolar disorder vs „normal depression” and downgrading depression

9. Emilie’s descriptions on people with other mental illnesses

10. Schizophrenia

11. Schizophrenia part 2/Emilie’s „jokes”

12. Romanticizing of cutting and self-harm

13. Asexual discourse

14. Additional stuff, more or less discussed, also problematic

15. Final words and bonuses

RACISM:

Additional note: I’m leaving recent racism case out. I might add this in the future if needed, but for now, I think you’ve all seen everything for yourself. You can always read about the racism drama here:

https://shefightslikeagirl.tumblr.com/instagramincident/

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Introduction: the „asylum” and „psych ward”/”Evidence of insanity”/ECT

All throughout her career, EA referenced the hospital she stayed in as „asylum”. „I got locked up in an asylum”. This and also „psych ward”.

She claims W14A stands for her numer in the „asylum” and W stands for „ward”, 14 the number of the ward, A stands for the cell. She wrote that part of hospital she stayed in had words written over the entrance that spelled „psych ward”, from the way it sounds you can immediately see it’s impossible. Comming back to W14A, that’s complete utter bullshit, not a single modern institution refers to their patients by their „cell numbers”. No patient is „given a number”. Not in the way Emilie implied. Remember hand bracelets you get when you need to stay in a regular hospital? They always have a long number – it’s a number of a patient staying at the hospital, it’s considered a normal thing by everyone, nobody questions that and nobody feels personally offended or stigmatized by that. I believe Emilie might get one of those long patient numbers, but that’s about that, only the number of X person entering the hospital. It couldn’t be „W14A”. Her claims of the LA hospital having „wards” and „cells” as a fact, not some victorian metaphore, are lies. She didn’t use those words to describe Emily with a Y’s victorian asylum, it was all about her modern day mental hospital. If you bought heavily edited 4th edition of TAFWVG (black with striped legs cover), you know that 3 personal journals of Emilie named „Cutting Diary”, „Drug Diary” and „Suicide Diary”, got ridiculously cut and edited, I’d say 90% of text got deleted and remaining text got randomly thrown on last pages of the book (it got omitted completely in eBook version). While those 3 diaries seemed like the heaviest but also the most personal and honest part of the original book, this feeling got washed out and destroyed completely by what she did to those diaries in 4th edition, somewhat putting in question their honesty. She compiled remaining edited scraps of all three diaries and titled them „Evidence of insanity: excerpts from confiscated notebook”. And she added some fake „commentary” from Dr Sharpe. Underlining certain fragments and madeup comments from Sharpe, explaining some things. All of them go like this:

Doctor’s Note: W14A exhibits paranoia and inability to remain in her own reality, begins to reference „Asylum” more frequently.

W14A is clearly experiencing delusions – arrange for time in the quiet room, keep away from other patients.

She basically states that her doctored referenced her as a number. I don’t believe it. It’s fucking bullshit. Even such „evil” doctors as EA considers Dr Sharpe to be follow their rules, don’t give out ward numbers to people and don’t refer to them by some bullshit „ward” and „cell” number. „Patient behaves this way or that way” – yes, but not „Ward 123 Cell D seems delusional, schedule lobotomy”.

Doctor’s Note: „His” is assumed to be referencing W14A’s boyfriend at the time of this writing. We have been investigating the identity of this man and have narrowed it down to two subjects, one extremely famous, one marginally so. Names will be made available to specialists upon request.

What? I mean WHAT? Yeah, we get it, Emilie, that you wanted to let us know you were dating Billy Corgan and Brendon Small in those years, we knew this already long ago. But the whole ridiculous „we have been investigating identity”?! Go ask yourself which fucking „asylum” doctor would care enough to do a fucking „investigation” on the identity of someone’s fucking boyfriends?!

But this one’s most fucked up:

W14A seems to have disassociated her own identity, episodic, each lasting for a longer period of time. We suspect she will continue further in this – stronger medication is needed, schedule electroconvulsive therapy.

She implies they at least scheduled ECT for her, if didn’t put her through ECT. There was NO mention of Emilie having ECT or having ECT planned for her in the original 1st and 2nd printing of the book. Not a single mention in interviews. Nothing. It’s a completely made up thing she fantasized only recently. She rewrites her own history over and over, adding more layers of lies. Now this sounds more like fantasy thing, these days EA treats her book more as fantasy novel. But back in 2009, this book had been marketed as „100 % true autobiography”. Suddenly, she writes more and more fantastical additions to HER OWN STORY, which in effect makes fans more and more sceptical about reality of her hospital stay. She basically dramatizes that hospital stay. If she dramatizes and fills it with fake elements now, who said she didn’t fake it 10 years ago? And people in the fandom had doubts about the way she portrayed the hospital stay for years, saying it’s a huge exaggeration and saying Emilie spits and rages at everyone in the hospital, feeling like a victim, when in reality all that was expected from her was following rules, and the way she was treated was the way everyone is treated in a regular mental institution. In effect, Emilie mainly made herself look like a spoiled brat. I don’t know what is true, what is not, I’m not saying some shit didn’t happen for real, but I don’t believe her „ward”, „psych ward” and W14A thing. EA’s flawed and irrational depiction of modern day psychiatric hospital is another subject.

But it’s also a real biography, just with mystery and time travel added, it’s so epic, but now that its finally here, I realize that a lot of people know so many intimate things about me and facts. It’s like they know me better than like my best friends, I hope I don’t regret it, but I don’t think I will, it’s that whole honesty thing again you know. I’d rather have 5 people at a show that love it, and likewise 5 people who read and understand or can relate to what I have to say; brutal, horrid truths about what really goes on in an asylum; it’s is really fucking uncomfortable, and I’m not going to sugar coat it. I think a lot of people may not know what they are in for when they buy it, it is funny and entertaining, but with the truths that go along with that, and when I did ‘Opheliac’, it was my truth and my obsessions, and the book is the same. It doesn’t try to pretend that it’s something it just clearly isn’t, which is all charming and pretty and nice, and all the things a supposed young woman should be. But I don’t give a fuck, it’s either this or death, and that’s what I’m trying to convey. It’s not daunting to share that with the world, it’s my relief that it’s out there now, so people know. I guess it comes down to that childish wish, or want to be noticed and be the centre of attention.

(Shakenstir interview)

Also once upon a time Emilie claimed TAFWVG is a 100 % historical book”. She claimed she’s done a massive research for the book and she called herself a „huge history nerd”.

It’s been proven by a lot of well-read people and victorian times fanatics in the fandom that her book is anything but historical, her knowledge of victorian times is very faint and it seems she’s done no reseach for the book AT ALL. There are signs of blatant ignorance in this book, for example, „resurgence of bubonic plague in England” when there was no bubonic plague in England in victorian times, or the usage of lobotomy in 1840s when lobotomy both as a term and procedure didn’t exist up until nearly 100 years later (the only thing existing then was trepanation). Her „Ophelia galeries” this is another bullshit: asylum tours were a thing in a previous epoque, I’ve never found ANY proof of specific „Ophelia” galleries taking place at all. Do I have to mention there’s no vultures in London? But that’s a talk for another day.

Fatshaming

Let’s just go straight to the scans.

4th edition of the book was heavily edited and modified. First the original story was hugely cropped up by the proffesional editor for a mainstream release, leaving all the bloody and ugly things out, like 3 diaries, abortion details, etc. Also suddenly making a 27 year old Emilie into a 17 year old Emilie. Nothing came out of that deal, except for the audiobook, which was this very edited and modified version.

Later came out also the paperback „normal book” edition of Asylum. It was hugely modified too, but EA sneaked things she wanted back in. She’s not 17 anymore here, I think. She even added tiny pieces of diaries back, but in a completely bastardized version (to see why, check the Evidence of insanity section). Emilie literally changed character’s looks, ages, stories and endings, she took time to do all that, but she didn’t bother to remove her fatshaming stuff. No, she actually added some more, in a much harsher words.

Now, I’ll allow myself to take these screen from Asylum_Oracle Instagram story, cause it’s all phrased perfectly already.

Ableism

Emilie got terribly offended when she had to be transported in the hospital in a wheelchair. It’s nothing out of ordinary – you may be alive and well and totally walking on your own, but they offer to transport you by wheelchair. I got transported in wheelchair for magnetic resonanse, ultrasound, etc. I don’t know why they offer this, but I don’t see the reason to throw tantrums about it. The wheelchairs they use in hospitals for that kind of transporting are just plain hospital wheelchairs, NOT specially adapted wheelchairs for physically disabled. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal to her.

However, she doesn’t have any problems with dancing and snaking around in the wheelchair onstage. This case was a huge drama, there was a lot of people offended, both physically disabled and not at all, also a lot of people (also disabled) dismissing it all and saying it’s not ableist. It’s your opinion, but I think you’re lying to yourself a bit. Take a look at her response to reader letter in Bizzare magazine and ask yourself, is that alright? Is it alright to you that she considers being compared to physically disabled offensive?

When you see her dancing and laying dramatically and using wheelchair as a prop and fashion statement – it is fucked up. In this case, the fact that she uses hospital wheelchair doesn’t excuse anything. I mentioned it to see that:

a) being transported in wheelchair in hospitals (don’t know about psychiatric hospitals, so I say hospitals) is something totally normal

b) wheelchair can be used for both transportation and for general use of disabled people.

But using the wheelchair for something other than a vehicle for disabled and a transport for others (for example, people who aren’t disabled but felt ill and aren’t strong enough now to walk on their own), it is viewed as ableist. Using wheelchair as a fashion statement, on the cover of magazine, photoshoot, etc., including able bodied person sitting, or in the case of Emilie, hanging upside down from the wheelchair for the cool effect, is ableist. Seeing EA dancing and standing on that wheelchair, hanging upside down/whatever else during shows was extremely hurtful to those who cannot dance, stand or casually change position in their wheelchair. Those people cannot stand up and then lie upside down from the wheelchair in a „cool, fashionable” pose. They use their wheelchairs as a necessity, not a fashion statement. It’s not a cool show prop to them, it’s a thing they cannot move and function without in most of everyday life situations. The wheelchair can be both a blessing and a curse to them.

You may not notice that, you may not even think of it that way, but take a moment to actually think for a while, try to understand and empathize with those who are disabled and hurt by EA’s „Wheelie” actions.

Examples of lack of understanding for those hurt by the situation and Plague Rats dismissing them, telling them to „make light out of their situations” and „not take their misery out on others” (this is disgusting):

‘But the worst thing about that is her response to Bizzare Magazine question. She didn’t consider how it might look to disabled people. She once again lashed out at the person asking and proceeded to make a victim out of herself, so fucking hurt by the necessity to use wheelchair once in her fucking life for a few minutes, so fucking hurt forever, literally, lifelong trauma, PTSD after being wheeled for a second from point A to point B, in a fucking hospital. And once again, as always, she points all the attention to herself, makes a poor wounded victim out of herself, then tells everyone who doesn’t agree to fuck off.

(Big thank you to loveyou-x3000 for finding that photo - isn’t it crazy that the only place you can find it now is the glorious archive of spreadingplagueoflulz… )

Transcription for those who have difficulty with reading from the scan:

Star Letter - Going to far?

I enjoyed Bizarre 161 from cover-to-cover, but the images featured in the Emilie Autumn feature were the only letdown.

I sustained spinal injuries and was milimeters away from having to use a wheelchair. The use of a wheelchair as a prop for an able-bodied model is entirely irresponsible and decidedly nasty. I’m aware that Bizarre publishes material that some may find offensive, but I feel the chair is there to represent the possibility of illness, injury, the thread of imperfection, damage and weakness.

While I can only applaud you for your exposure of disabled models such as Viktoria, you undo all your fine work when you publish an image like this. Bizarre is on the frontline of the battle against discrimination based on cultural identity, so why propagate a misleading and unhelpful image of disability? - TraumaDoll, YourBizarre

Emilie Autumn says: Dearest TraumaDoll, thank you for your letter. I’m sorry that you didn’t see the irony in these photos. I’ve experienced being in a wheelchair while on suicide watch on a psych ward. Despite my mental health issues, I’m far from being physically incapable, yet I’ve sure been treated like I am. This stigma will never end, so I’ll own my fucking wheelchair and I’ll brandish any tool that’s been used against me and others. The concept of these images shows the joke’s on me because if I can’t find the humour in these situations, I’ll dry up and die. Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against - people with mental illness ought not to be treated like idiots who deserve no respect. It’s this that I want to bring to the general public’s attention. With Love, Emilie.

Again, everything is excused by the great irony. It’s ironic, you just don’t get it. It’s all the great irony that seemingly nobody’s intelligent enough to understand. In the past, whenever Emilie said something questionable and people started asking, it’s all been dismissed as “being ironic”, the irony and highly intellectual sarcastic humour that you had to have high IQ to understand! (Take any older interview; Emilie loves to boast about her ironic sense of humour and how nobody understands her.) Also, screw what you feel - Emilie Autumn needs to make fun of mentally ill, drug abusers, plus sized nurses to stay alive. She needs to tell her schizophrenia jokes and pose provocatively upside-down on a wheelchair, cause if she can’t find humour in mocking others, she’ll dry up and die.

No matter how bad was your experience, no matter if you had spinal injuries, if you were on the verge of death or disability, or actually you are using the wheelchair, just remember that Emilie Autumn’s experience was way worse: she’s been through the hell of standard hospital procedure, the horrible necessity to sit down for a minute in a wheelchair to be transported, and her trauma lives on, this stigma will never end. Questioning the point of her hanging upside down from a wheelchair for a magazine is really offending, cause sexualizing wheelchair is her way of coping with catastrophic trauma of being sat down in a wheelchair for a minute or less. This way, you’re destroying her hard-won self-acceptance.

“People with mental illness ought not to be treated like idiots who deserve no respect”. That would be very true and important quote, if only it wasn’t put in a context it was put in. Emilie Autumn thinks that being likened to disabled people is offensive, being an able-bodied mentally ill and transported in a wheelchair is offensive, and so having to sit in a wheelchair and being transported is in her opinion being “treated like idiots who deserve no respect”. It’s a really poor choice of words, no matter the intention. If mental illness people ought not to be treated like disabled people, then it sounds like it’s disabled people who are those “idiots who deserve no respect”. I don’t think she truly intended to call disabled people idiots, but the way she said it makes it sound so disgusting.

Take a look at the way she subverts everything. She finds using the wheelchair as a “torture device” of transporting her despite her ability to walk gravely offensive, yet she cannot see how wheelchair users can be offended by her using the wheelchair to pose/perform on. She doesn’t try to understand why would disabled people and wheelchair users be offended by this kind of use of a wheelchair, she immediately turns it all around and accuses TraumaDoll of not getting her refined irony and taking a stab at her “hard-won self-acceptance”. It’s Emilie Autumn that’s the real victim of wheelchairs, right? Being likened to disabled people, getting the same treatment as disabled people, in her opinion (what happened to her was actually a way of transporting typical for every hospital, and being able-bodied has nothing to do with it) is worse than actually being a disabled person?

What the fuck does it really mean? It means that being SO OFFENDED by being transported in wheelchair implies that being compared to physically disabled is a biggest, worst offence to her. Thanks, Emilie. I’m sure your disabled fans are really flattered.

She didn’t really say “fuck you” in this response, but she didn’t really need to. The way it’s written already implies it loudly enough. If you know the way she writes her angry rants, the way she replied on the forums and formulated responses to any sort of criticism in general, then you know what’s hiding behind her words, which are “politely civilized” only on the surface. What she wrote was enough of a slap to the face. “With Love” was a bonus slap.

Manatee R**tard

I don’t use that word and usually if its needed, I’d write the word as above with **, but it’s her own words, so have them in full, as they were written.

youtube

„Manatee Retard” is a song written on tour and performed sometimes in 2009. It was a song about Captain Maggots, who was rumoured to be a „special” inmate.

Lyrics:

„Manatee Retard

Manatee Retard

Swimming in the Sea playing ‘round with you and me

Manatee retard

manatee retard

She’s an African dream, an ocean beauty queen

oh oh oh, manatee retard

oh oh oh manatee retard

manatee retard

manatee retard”

„The real problem is simply that we talk about a lot of things which is good, in our society, which is we can talk about child abuse, and rape, and all that stuff to some degree, but there’s still so much we don’t talk about, largely because we don’t know. One of these things is…well, on the subject of mental illness, we’ve no fucking…I mean, calling someone bipolar is now almost equivalent to calling someone retarded.”

Another thing that caused quite an outrage in the fandom. Emilie has a HUGE problem with women products placed next to baby products in shops. Here’s excerpt from the book. Same thing was said on other platforms such as her forum (2009) and Instagram (2014), but in much harsher words. This time, if we didn’t agree with her, we got called „fucking potatoes”.

January 16, 2009: In Which There Are Questionable Items In The Feminine Care A

Dearest Plague Rats,

Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this picture???

[Photo of baby care products next to feminine hygiene products.]

(thanks Shefightslikeagirl for source)

Again:

Britney Spears

One of the things that really bothered me personally was how she spits at drug addicts and celebrities with mental problems. She constantly made references to Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan, describing them as „stupid starlets”, „dumb fucks”, stupid fucks loaded on drugs and making fools out of themself. Emilie clearly suffers because of how tabloids call Britney bipolar. She constantly highlighted that the reason Britney behaved the way she did (shaving head, showing tits, etc.) was because she was „fucked up on drugs”, not because she suffered from any sort of mental illness. Now, I’m not a fan of Britney and I don’t know if she indeed has bipolar disorder, but we know she used to have severe mental problems at some point in her life and I think it’s very hurtful and cruel to judge „she doesn’t have this, doesn’t have that” or say she’s „a stupid idiot fucked up on drugs and making fool out of herself”. We don’t know the reasons behind Britney Spear’s behaviour, it might have been drugs, but EA treats drug addicts with real contempt, calling them idiots and whatnot, inventing offensive names for them and blaming them for their own stupidity and blaming then for „giving poor bipolar depressed victimized girls like her a bad name”. Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan give her bad name, just because they happened to have mental and drug problems and got called „bipolar” by tabloids. It’s not Britney Spear’s fault that tabloids armchair-diagnose her with bipolar disorder or whatever else. Britney Spears doesn’t have any power over what is published about her in magazines. It’s not her fucking responsibility to come out and say „I’m a dumb fuck, I’m just a stupid junkie, please don’t call me bipolar cause Emilie Autumn is gonna cry because of that”. Plus, how the fuck she’s so sure Britney doesn’t actually have bipolar disorder? Does the fact someone uses drugs doesn’t allow you to have bipolar disorder, depression o rany other mental condition? Does the fact your name is Britney Spears and you play kitchy pop music means that you cannot actually have mental illness? Does being a „starlet” scorned by Emilie Autumn and deemed „dumb fuck” exclude you from having the „priviledge” of having super fun and artistic glamorous bipolar disorder? Emilie acts as if Britney Spears couldn’t actually suffer from bipolar disorder, like her actions couldn’t be a result of that illness and like whatever eventual drug problems excluded her from having that mental illness. She considers her a fool that intentionally go out fucked up to get people’s attention and then get called bipolar, and intentionally „give bipolars bad name”. She clearly thinks bipolar is some uncommon issue, a rare artistic disease that only affects artistic, special, chosen people.

Here are quotes both from interviews and journals.

(Bipolar) “It’s just like a blank, almost insult for someone who’s acting fucking crazy, which essentially is doing something stupid.”

(Curve Magazine)

“The thing is that bi-polar disorder/manic depression, to begin with, is so intensely misunderstood in a way that really affects people and really matters. It doesn’t help if you’ve got people in Hollywood – Britney shaving her head and showing her whatever-the-hell (I couldn’t think of a clever word to call that right now) we’ve all seen it a million times, and not just with her. Basically, a famous person behaves badly and the next day in the paper, they start calling her bi-polar. It’s like “Oh my God, she acted crazy, she must be bi-polar.” It’s almost like calling somebody a retard.

Yeah, it’s like saying “That bitch is insane, she’s acting all bi-polar” and the thing is, no, they’re hopped up on drugs, that’s what. They might be miserable, and they might have good reason to be, but they’re not bi-polar – that’s something entirely different. This condition has made me try to kill myself, but it’s never made me get out of a cab without underwear or shave my head. It made me cut my hair, but that was different – I left a few inches on there.”

(Glade Magazine)

January 12, 2008: I throw up my hands…

“Hmmm…Suffer’s kidnapping and my plot for revenge has undoubtedly put me into a foul mood, something not entirely unassisted by my having been unable (happy “un” day) to refill my myriad drug prescriptions while on tour leaving me still unmedicated (which, in accordance with the public’s positively moronic understanding of bi-polar disorder, and yes, that is the exact same thing as manic-depression, folks, means that I ought to be out fucking some paparazzo guy whose name I can’t pronounce and jetting off to Mexico after shaving my head and getting myself kicked out of the Four Seasons every night)…but this would do in anybody’s day, UNless of course, as I’ve said before, you’re a fucking potato (would you be surprised if I told you just how many letters I’ve received from good people telling me, “Although according to you I’m a “fucking potato” - insert UNnecessary *wink* here - I’m a big F-A-N”):

As long is no one’s biting their tongue today, I will confess that I HAVE gotten into trouble at the Four Seasons, and Lady Joo Hee can confirm it…I was refilling our champagne flutes during high tea with the vanilla vodka I had stashed in my sarcastic pink thermos, and waiter boy didn’t like it, poor thing…best day evah!

Hey, Brit Brit, I’m on my way!

p.p.s.

Note To The Press: Being Bipolar doesn’t make you do any of the things that the Hollywood fucked-up are doing. Being a drug addict does. There’s a big difference. And it’s days like these that give me the slightest splinter of a reminder of why in the hell I am writing a book about it. So, please, remind me of this day when it comes out and I can’t quite recall why I went to the trouble.”

(From forum journal)

Potato - A derogatory slang term used to describe the mentally handicapped.

And now we’re coming to another closely related subject, which is Emilie’s very visible disgust for drug addicts.

Emilie’s feelings towards drug addicts

I screened that next quote and seemingly forgot to save it and I can’t find it now, sorry. But I remember that at some point she says specifically:

„These people might have taken a lot of drugs, but I actually tried to kill myself. Which is more crazy?”

Yeah, sure Emilie, you gain upper hand in this argument. Those people might have taken a lot of drugs, but you win this round because you tried suicide, yes, you’re more crazy, congratulations. (Hey… didn’t she actually say she’s NOT crazy? Decide for once.) As if people abusing drugs don’t try to commit suicide. As if they weren’t suicidal, didn’t use the substance they abuse to try to kill themselves. Their whole drug use is a long suicide in some way or another. People are drugs are just stupid, irritating, REALLY CRAZY honest to god lunatics, who are too stupid to actually have any idea of themselves, to have feelings and to ponder the oh so inteligent question „to be or not to be”.

There’s no word on her being officialy “lunatic”, i.e. mentally ill. Even if Kara is indeed mentally ill in some way, it’s pretty disappointing how Emilie categorizes and judges illnesses - depression and bipolar disorder patients are perfectly sane, it’s so offesive to call them crazy lunatics, this title is reserved for such oddities like schizophrenics and drug users. Emilie is not “crazy”, she’s always “stark raving sane”, it’s junkies that are crazy and violent lunatics. Kara’s biggest fault is mostly being loud and too talkative for Emilie’s liking, flirting with guards, talking out loud what she thinks. She shouted at staff, but her curses and other words didn’t hurt anyone nor threaten anyone’s safety, she got ignored just like every screaming patient gets ignored. She’s detoxing from crack and it would be honestly surprising if she acted polite and satisfied. I’d like to notice that Emilie shouted and lashed out at hospital staff, nurses and doctors a lot of times too. She loudly cursed and „raved” too, yet she doesn’t deem her outrage „violent” or nonsensical (excuse me, in what way exactly „If leaches ate peaches” was more sensible and intelligent that whatever shit shouted by Kara?). Is her screaming fit directed at Sharpe really that much different?

Notice that Emilie calls Kara mad from the very beginning, when she’s done as little as asking for mixed juice. No matter what she does or says, Emilie documents everything with a great joy and reserves almost entire page for calling her offensive names. She hears that guards are violent towards her and she doesn’t have a sympathy for her. So where’s your Fight Like a Girl attitude, Emilie? Where is condemnation of misogyny and abuse? It’s horrible when men are abusive and violent towars women, UNLESS they are drug addicts?

If you don’t view this as problematic, you’re very delusional. She’s got real issues and real prejudices against drug users.

Romanticizing of bipolar disorder

There’s a lot of weird things she says about bipolar disorder, she often acts as one true medium of bipolar disorder, some sort of proffesor specialized in bipolar disorder, knowing everything. She can only be an expert on her own bipolar disorder experiences, but just because she experiences this and that doesn’t mean every person suffering from bipolar experiences same things as her. That’s what i feel about her madeup „statistics” on three out of four bipolars jumping out of the window, or that „there’s a bipolar phenomenon that every bipolar person in the world wakes u pat 4 o’clock!!!” What you have in mind is insomnia, not that a „bipolar thing is to wake u pat 4 o’clock on the fucking dot”. That’s bullshit, but not most irritating of everything she said on the matter.

What unnerves me more is her glamourization of bipolar disorder. While she describes her struggles and downsides of the illness in lenght, she often praises bipolar, talks how it opens some special doors, how incredible it is, etc. She mentiones being bipolar in EVERY DAMN INTERVIEW, before even speaking about music. She’s the one that called herself „famously bipolar” in her own fucking biography promo description.

Some of these are just rather realistic descriptions of bipolar disorder and benefits of manic phases, but if you look at the sheer AMOUNT of bipolar mentions, bipolar talk being the staple of almost every interview, to the point where she sometimes brings up fucking word in word same sentences, as if she recited it from the memory (same as FLAG talk, same as “classic music selling less than jazz, and it’s really fucking low”)… (Well, I tried bringing you more “varied” answers at least):

“So when it comes to bi-polar, anxiety, whatever it takes you to this whole another world of creativity that is never ending.”

“It puts you on another planet a bit to where you see things differently. You know, the sunlight looks different, everything looks different and it makes you a very dramatic person which then leads to…it’s like other people hear a leaf fall, and you hear a house crash. That’s something that makes you…you have this intensity of experiences that need to be let out. You just see things differently which have a unique point of view which then makes it slightly interesting. Still unfortunate - I’d still trade it in for anything else but, while it’s here, I’m going to use it for all it’s worth so that I’m not a victim of it.”

(Metal Discovery interview)

“It is, and that’s because nobody understands it. I know that I’m derailing, but it’s fun to talk about the whole bi-polar thing for a second.

So I could either try to live a normal life and be 9-5, whatever, and have background checks and psychiatric evaluations and have that matter, or I can take everything and make it my career. Now it’s like: how can you fuck with that; it’s what we’re making money off of, and that’s a beautiful thing*. I’m honestly pretty proud of that, because I’m not ashamed of anything.”

(Glide magazine)

*She sure made a lot of money off of that, lol.

“As a writer, a creative person, [bipolar disorder] gives you access to a place that you would not otherwise be able to go to.”

Interviewer: You’re often described as being “famously bipolar,” so I wasn’t sure if all the drama was just part of the show.

“No, that was all completely legit. It is kind of funny – and I’m not ashamed of this in any way – that a large part of what I’ve fortunately been able to figure out and build a career around”

(wrestling with pop culture interview)

Here’s one of those repetitive answers:

“That access to a particular portal of creative awesomeness,” she says. “When you’re writing on the ceiling because you can’t find enough paper to contain your thoughts.” Countered, unfortunately, by long periods of bleak depression. “So it isn’t a good tradeoff — no high is worth that kind of suicidal low,” she says.”

I want to make it clear that despite all that, she usually adds the bad sides of bipolar and she admits it’s not worth this kind of low, as stated above. But that’s too much of talking on one subject only nonetheless – nearly every interviewer, no matter if he asked or not, has to listen to her ramblings on being bipolar. I don’t think i know any other artist that boasts about his bipolar disorder on every occasion or brings it up as much as Emilie.

There’s a photo from 2012 where she shows her „bipolar pin”, literally a button pin with both :) and :( emoticons and „Certified bipolar” text. It was really in a bad taste – wearing your illness as some sort of badge of honor or a title earned at your local scout meeting. I think the pin was stylized as this exactly, a scout badge, something to proudly wear around.

(If you happen to have this particular photo I’m talking about, please send it to me!)

Emilie’s bipolar disorder vs „normal depression” and downgrading depression

“Depression is serious business, but it’s something you can develop through life. Bipolar disorder is completely genetic. You’re either born with it or you’re not and there’s no getting rid of it through any amount of medication. It’s always going to be there, but it’s a matter of deciding after so much incarceration and suicide attempts, if you’re going to die or if you’re going to fight and live.”

It’s not true bipolar disorder is strictly genetic, like you’re sentenced to bipolar from the beginning of your life. It can appear at some point in life due to stress, long drug use (it’s a chemistry after all, it changes your brain), some other lesions and other mental problems. Environmental risk factors include a history of childhood abuse and long-term stress. It’s not true it only happens when you have a history of bipolar disorder in your family. Causes of bipolar disorder are still not clearly understood, but the fact is a lot of different factors and environments make an ill person and saying it’s ONLY genetic isn’t really correct. Plus, i hate how she literally highlights that because of genetics, whe’s sort of doomed for this fate since her fake great-great-great-grandmother Alice Liddel, while “mere depression can be developed”, “depression can be easily treated”.

Emilie’s descriptions on people with other mental illnesses

(Reminder: Emilie considers herself mad, but also not insane, because bipolar is not crazy, she’s „stark raving sane”.)

It can just be about taking a person of any sort and can be as simple as bringing them this enjoyment or taking someone who has some serious problems and maybe reminding them while having a sexy sparkling fun time in one small way relying on your individuality to carry you through crazy times or not paying attention to a bunch of doctors who tell you that you are insane just because you do certain things doesn’t necessary mean that you are crazy. Because you are bi-polar doesn’t mean that you are crazy. Crazy is a whole different term.

Who is „crazy” then?

Again, she’s „sad”, other illnesses are „dangerous”.

Now, brace yourself for one specific illness that got slandered in quite a lenght…

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia part 2/ Emilie’s „jokes”

Emilie has a penchant for making „mental illness jokes”. She gets hellishly offended when someone says anything on her bipolar disorder, but it’s totally fine for her to make jokes on conditions she doesn’t have and certainly doesn’t understand. By the way, if you look at her schizophrenia jokes, you’ll see she’s quite misinformed about what schizophrenia is.

Yes, you do hear voices when suffering from schizophrenia. But you DON’T take on a 2nd persona, different to your usual personality. Developing unconscious personalities is a symptom of dissociative identity disorder. If you want more Wikipedia sort of description:

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is a mental disorder characterized by the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states. The illness is accompanied by memory gaps beyond what would be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

(taken from Troll Like a Girl, the quote comes from Opheliac Deluxe Edition.)

Ok, you don’t find this offensive? Try putting yourself in a schizophrenic person’s shoes. I know EA offended a lot of schizophrenic people. And even if you don’t have schizophrenia, nothing gives you permission to make fun of it or dismiss it. Or speak for everyone and claim that something is “not offensive for schizophrenics”, ESPECIALLY if you don’t have schizophrenia.

Next joke:

Here’s an opinion of a person actually having OCD, plus something that’s probably never been discussed this way:

You can hear all that and more here, by the end of the video. “What illnesses you do NOT have”… How funny…

youtube

So, are they lighthearted jokes? Emilie’s „way of coping”? She claims it’s her way of coping, in order to not go mad, to not go and blow her head and drown herself, etc. and so on. We’ve heard it all in her interviews, right. Yeah, her way of coping is basically offending sufferers of other illnesses. Emilie, if you like joking about yourself so much, why don’t you joke about your bipolar disorder instead of someone else’s illnesses, which you don’t understand? Why do YOU get so mad when someone jokes at your own disorder? That’s literally degrading someone else’s illness to feel better about your own. That’s low even for you.

_______

You’d probably protect Emilie saying „But it’s sarcasm! She’s just showing victorian standards and victorian obsession with madness! But she herself speaks against romanticizing of mental illness in the book!” Yes, she speaks negatively about victorian and modern examples of romanticizng of mental illness, but at the same time she doesn’t preach what she speaks, she romanticizes it herself. She spoke about downsides and suffering of mental illness in lenght, but she also wrote and repeatedly said A LOT of very problematic things, including stuff that is apparent glamourizing of madness and ESPECIALLY self-harm. I will sacrifice a lot of space for dissection of her Cutting Diary.

Romanticizing of cutting and self-harm

***(TRIGGER WARNING! Please don’t read if you find this topic triggering, there’s A LOT of glamourization of cutting.)***

Yeah, Cutting Diary. While I don’t think it’s 100 % bullshit and she noted a lot of accurate observations (especially on how society views cutting and self-harm), she wrote a ton of questionable things in that diary that, no matter what her intentions were, sound pretty fucked up. And I think intentions are clear, she spoke her mind so clearly that there is really no point in further making excuses for her, attempts at finding explanations for the shit she wrote or saying that „she didn’t mean it, it was sarcastic” – there was no sarcasm when she repeatedly called bleeding „beautiful”. I’m aware a lot of people never had a chance to read it in full (I’m talking to 4th edition book owners now – your book contains next to nothing from original story in case of Emilie Autumn’s story, she cut out at least a good half of hospital entries and she deleted basically entirety of her diaries, only leaving 10 or so scant tiny fragments, filed as „Evidence of insanity”), I’m aware some never read it because of trigger factor or never re-reads it anymore because of that. If you feel triggered by Cutting Diary/Drug Diary/Suicide Diary, I advice you to leave out this section. But if you look for specific examples of her glorifying self-harm with paragraphs and words highlighted, as well a bit of commentary, here in Cutting Diary excerpts you will find all that and more. As I said, not everything in that diary is shitty, some of her opinions are very accurate, it’s worth reading it to form your opinion (but not if reading on self-harm is triggering to you). But the fragments I posted speak volumes, that’s best examples you will find.

She explains her reasons and feelings and how horribly self-harmers are treated by society very clearly and a lot of what she says is true. What is problematic however are passages where she clearly becomes enchanted (sorry for the pun…) with some sort of „beauty of cutting”, she thinks cutting and bleeding is beautiful, uses a lot of pretty comparisons and words and expresses her pride of her new cuts.

This very attitude of “scarring so they see my pain/illness” is the reason that honestly depressed and struggling self-harmers get accused of being emo phase attention whores. I don’t think Emilie started cutting purely for show, I believe, like a lot of cutters, looked for a way of escapism. But if she’s done it as a „fuck off” for all people asking, a visible proof of authenticity of her manic depression… that’s questionable and naive at the very least.

I used to cut a lot, but I never deemed my blood flow „beautiful”, „something to be proud of” or a meaningful „artwork”. I didn’t collect my bloody tissues. I didn’t have a treausured cutting kits or favourite „tools”. My family used to take and throw my razors away. They also hid/threw out all the razors in the house, shaving razors, etc. They did that because they were worried and hoped lack of razors might stop me from cutting at least for a while. I would never throw a hissy fit about someone throwing out „my favourite razor” or „beautiful artwork masterpiece and whole year documentation of Top 20 cuts on my body”. I wouldn’t make threats like „this bitch better watches her back”. This is fucking ridiculous. If there’s ONE thing embarassing about it all (and I will always fight anyone calling cutting yourself embarassing, or cringey emo phase, or wanting attention), it’s this particular thing, raging at someone because she threw out your favourite razor, probably living in a cozy little bed made of victorian matchbox and called Mr. Thompson or Mr. Wilde, plus a true modern art of papers filled with „beautiful droplets of crimson tears”. This is fucked up and this I would count to the list of glamourization of cutting.

I have somewhat mixed feelings about her want to have scars left, re-cutting the old wounds so that they become more visible, or worrying about scars that are fading away too fast. I think self-harmers just concentrate on the action of cutting, to feel the pain that would allow them to escape psychological pain, not on „wanting scars”. That’s so fucked up. I can’t fucking imagine any cutter being GLAD that they have visible scars. Or STRIVING to get more scars, more visible. Scars left after cutting are a real torment to both ex-cutters and ongoing cutters because of how society treats cutters. It’s a thing that fills them with a huge amount of shame and self-disgust, all those problems with covering wrists/other parts with clothes, worrying what if somebody notices, what if somebody asks, what if your friends notice and mock you and leave you. As a person constantly asked „What happened to your arms?” by complete strangers, mocked, called „emo” and „attention seeker” by people I used to call „friends”, eventually left by those fucking idiots AND as a person that has scars so deep and visible that after almost 9 years are very much apparent (because they’re healed white scars that won’t ever fade, they’ll stay forever), EA’s whole fucking want to have scars, to make them visible, to use them to let everybody show she’s sick and unapproachable, this is fucking disgusting.

I don’t think she still has this mindset anymore, but what she wrote in Cutting Diary is fucked up.

Asexual discorse

Ever since 2003-2005 Emilie claimed she’s asexual. The problem with her identifying as asexual is her definitione of being asexual, which is as faulty as it could be.

Here is right definitione of asexuality.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.[1][2][3] It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof.[4][5] It may also be categorized more widely to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities.[6]

Asexuality is distinct from abstention from sexual activity and from celibacy,[7][8] which are behavioral and generally motivated by factors such as an individual’s personal, social, or religious beliefs.[9] Sexual orientation, unlike sexual behavior, is believed to be “enduring”.[10] Some asexual people engage in sexual activity despite lacking sexual attraction or a desire for sex, due to a variety of reasons, such as a desire to pleasure themselves or romantic partners, or a desire to have children.[7][11]

Emilie’s definition of asexuality:

About your sexuality; what are your tendencies? Are you hetero, bi, lesbian…?

“I think for the most part I feel asexual, which is a kind like you are not completely attracted to either men or women, is in between spaces which is almost as to be bisexual, because you don’t have a real choice. I’ve been with men, of course, but I love women so much (and you can see it on stage) …and that’s what men think: “oh, this is what women do?” that doesn’t make me a lesbian, it’s just what happened. But at the same time there’s a part that I don’t like, and is to don’t be on only one side, because it makes me confuse. And often I watch all from the outside, and I watch all as it is fine, and I respect it. I’m just proud that more and more people show their own tendencies and sexuality in a more free way, I speak even about my shows, where there’s a “lesbian marriage” every night. We started like a joke, and it develop in a very good thing, where people feel more and more comfortable to show themselves.”

Then, suddenly this happened:

Ok, if you didn’t dislike sex, if you were attracted sexually to others, then you weren’t asexual. From what i understand, she had a lot of boyfriends that happened to be bad at bed and suddenly she met someone who wasn’t and she needed to tell everyone in the world… It’s good she finally said she isn’t asexual, cause it would be ridiculous if she still claimed to be, but it’s just that she was misinformed/didn’t care to actually read wtf that means. That’s it – that’s the whole asexual thing.

Additional stuff, more or less discussed, also problematic

Say that to women who had to part with their breasts because of cancer…

Idk about you, but it’s the choice of photo that bothers me. This i san article compiling all the bad shit that happened to her – rape, abuse, depression, contrasted with info on sexuality AND a sexy photo session, with EA putting her finger between her mouth. I think we’re all not surprised that when asked about „what’s inside her mind”, she will 100 % bring up bipolar, supplemented with rape and abuse. But this is fucked up. You have all that horrible traumatic stuff and it’s accompanied by sexy semi-lingerie photo. It changes the sound of it all dramatically, it makes it sound as if she lists all the traumatic stuff and make it look her sexy points. Like romanticizing. I don’t know who chose that photo for this article, it might as well be Kerrang’s fault. She made that „Queen of Hearts” costume specifically for Kerrang photoshoot. I don’t know if she had that costume specifically in mind for this particular article. But it’s her own words, her own costume and her chosen pose. Idk whose fault is this, but it looks kinda distasteful. It make it read like „hey, I’m Emilie Autumn, i’m super hot, and these are my super hot mental issues, and rape and abuse, wink wink”.

Analogical situation: combination of heavy subject, suicide, with sexy suggestive pose. Sarcastic? Ironic? Still kinda odd. It didn’t bother me before, but now it lowkey does.

„Lithium chic” fashion. Her sarcastic t-shirts with puns very intended. At the time it seemed super witty and smart. After you grow up a bit, it’s not so cute anymore.

„Lithium chic” is a play on „heroin chic”, a fashion trend of 90s, which is a look promoted by huge fashion designers. Those designers not only started making „grunge” collections (a style based on flannel shirts, a common element of wardrobe of so called „grunge” scene of punk/alt rock bands like Nirvana, Mudhoney, Melvins, Tad, Mother Love Bone and their fans, bands coming not only from Seattle but also up to 100 kms away from Seattle, who wore flannels because of warmth and weather factor, not because that was in „fashion” where they lived – designers of course took it and thought it’s genuine real fashion trend), but also created a „heroin” look based on what they thought is the look of girls addicted to heroin. That look involved hot models putting fake grease in their hair, heavy smeared make up, ripped clothes and heavy boots and generally being almost anorexically thin. It was a straight up glamourization of heroin addicts.

Does it make it any better if it’s sarcastic? No matter what were EA’s intentions, it’s still tank tops with mental illness puns, it’s still making a fashion statement out of serious issues.

Personally, i didn’t pay much attention to that matter. I remember how everybody loved those tanks… It seemed so witty at the time. People actually wanted her to sell that kind of t-shirts/tanks. Can you imagine yourself parading in that kind of tanks now? I’d honestly feel pretty stupid.

I think good part of fans/ex-fans will dismiss this case, ignore or like those tanks nonetheless. Tbh, it’s not the most offensive thing she’s ever done. I don’t feel anything when I look at those tanks, aside from the fact that I think now it’s rather distasteful. It’s up to you to decide if it’s offensive to you. But it’s still something that CAN be called problematic and deserves its place here. What I find most fucked up is wearing your depression medice as a fashion statement. It’s just as cringey as wearing „I love cocaine” t-shirt. Who the fuck cares what you take?

This really irritates me:

Final words

My finishing 2 cents:

Laughing at mentally ill and mentally disabled, or considering songs like „Manatee R****d” cute and funny really does say a lot about your maturity and empathy. Downsizing and dismissing something just for your own comfort, because you’re „bored” or uncomfortable, says a lot too. Don’t tell others what to be or not to be offended by. You’re not everyone and you don’t make rules for what is internationally offensive or acceptable. There could be literally one single person in the world hurt by EA’s words and it STILL always be be hurtful words. The fact that someone else got offended is enough. Your “but it’s not offensive” has nothing to do here and doesn’t change that fact - it is offensive when it offended someone. Same with her idiotic claims. Emilie doesn’t decide that she’s not racist - if she clearly said something racist and silenced POC, and offended black (and other) people, the fact remais that she said something racist and behaved racist, no matter what she’d like to think. Even if her intentions aren’t purely racist, ableist, fatphobic from the start, it’s her actions that scream the most. It’s her actions that showcase what she really is. And her actions paint a really unflattering image.

To those eager to excuse EA’s behaviour with bipolar disorder, EA’s own words: