avpdnoisearchive

[avpdnoisearchive]

people complimenting others on weight loss as if it’s always a positive thing blows my fucking mind. people lose weight because of extreme stress, because of medications they’re on, illnesses they have, eating disorders, etc. and you’re just gonna bring that up out of nowhere? and assume it’s some sort of positive life change? like fuck y’all i was WAY healthier last year when i was 30+ lbs heavier go choke

#like i knew this would happen and even if they didn't comment on it i'd be upset for a different reason #BUT it's like ok i guess i'll continue to undereat bc yall like me better this way!!!! thanks for letting me know you found me revolting #eating disorder cw #weight cw

[avpdnoisearchive]

my relatives: you’ve lost so much weight! you look great, i’m so happy for you :)

me: yeah an eating disorder will do that thanks so much!

#i said i wasn't gonna post on this blog anymore i'm technically still not but i'm going up the fucking wall not being able to talk about #this to anyone #i might start a new blog tbqh bc apparently complaining on the internet is helpful?? very humbling realization #but anyway i can't be bothered right now and i. Am Suffering #eating disorder cw

[avpdnoisearchive]

so i’ve decided i’m not gonna use this blog anymore. i might keep it as a bit of an archive or delete it at some point, i’m not sure yet. i never planned on this blog getting even a fraction of the followers it has and idk it just feels counter-intuitive to use it as a vent blog bc like having a lot of ppl analyze your incredibly personal breakdowns and insights is not always fun lmfao. overall i just don’t find it that helpful anymore and 80% of the time i delete what i post anyway (because of my avpd ironically) so it just seems like a bit of a lost cause. also.. having a popular blog based on my personality disorder is just. a bit uncomfortable tbqh

you can find me on my main blog or (lmao) on my bts sideblog 

#i was torn for a while bc i do like reblogging posts about mental health and venting was helpful #and i am a bit worried bc now i'll have literally nowhere on the internet i can privately talk about things i don't want irl people to know #but the negatives do outweigh the positives and i've been using this blog less and less anyway so there you go #and i'm not gonna delete it for now so i could always come back to it for whatever reason

[avpdnoisearchive]

what do you mean 'now im dying' in your last post??? and are you not seeing a therapist now?

i was just being dramatic, sorry. like i just felt really, really horrible but i am still very much alive. probs shouldn’t have been hyperbolic about it. and no i’m not, i keep trying to see one but it hasn’t worked out yet

[avpdnoisearchive]

do you ever just like contemplate how your life has been one tragedy after another and you’ve never known true, consistent happiness and then you’re like ok that’s fun and sexy lemme just take a quick nap because i don’t know how to deal with that information

#i was thinking about a teacher who used to bully me in high school and i wanted to remember her name #bc i was having a 'oh look at me now mrs. [x] that's what you get for giving me my second lowest mark in high school now #i'm a phd candidate so suck on that' moment #so i went to check if i wrote about her in my diary bc i'm an IDIOT. it was the diary from when i started self-harming & attempting suicide #and now i'm dying but also like it's a reminder of how good working on my career has been for me #like yes i'm unhealthily dependent on it and its my only source of self-worth BUT i think i needed that since my exam is in 2 days #and i'm questioning why i even wanted to do a phd in the first place bc of how stressed i am #so to sum up this mess of a post: my life has always been unbearably awful and i don't know what to do w that #other than work as hard as i can on this phd and deal w the unhealthy consequences of that later lmao

[avpdnoisearchive]

hi, my dove. feel free to ignore this, but i want to know if you felt like this prior your diagnosis. i don't know if i'm avoidant, but i truly believe so. i have ptsd, ocd, panic disorder and clinical depression, but for the last two years i have become severely avoidant. i do NOT leave my bedroom until VERY late at night when i know no one is outside; i haven't left the house in two years; i have panic attacks when my family members see me out of my room/they make me speak to them 1

i feel extremely uncomfortable when im forced to do that, to the point of having panic attacks/crying a lot/feel a lot of anger? is this being avpd? i do have symptoms of bpd, but i haven't been diagnosed with that since i haven't been to a doctor in many years and going to one now is absolutely out of the question, both because my illnesses, and the situation in my house (money-wise) and country (i live in a very poor country). did you experience symptoms like this? 2

i have a lot of physical symptoms as well. absolutely do NOT feel obligated to answer to these questions. if you do decide to answer them, take your time, however much you need. i understand you deal with a lot, i am not holding you responsible for me/a diagnosis or anything like that. it is simply curiosity on my part. please be well and take care of yourself, my dove! sending many well wishes and a lot of hugs.

no worries, i don’t mind answering questions like this! you’re aware that i can’t give a diagnosis so it’s all good.

i have 2 thoughts about the information you’ve given me. 1) the avoidance in avpd is moreso avoidance of interpersonal relationships (so like avoiding dating, cutting off friendships when they get too intimate, being afraid of rejection/being sensitive to criticism) rather than avoidance of people in general or going outside. i have both avpd and agoraphobia and what you’ve described sounds more in-line with my agoraphobia symptoms than my avpd symptoms.

2) many disorders have the same or similar symptoms but what distinguishes them is the thought-process behind the actions. the main type of thinking in avpd that causes avoidance is extremely low self-esteem (so not wanting to have relationships because you believe you’re not good enough, fearing rejection because they’ve seen the “real you”). another important distinguisher is that while we avoid and fear relationships, we desperately crave them. if you find yourself not wanting any relationships at all or desiring human contact, then it might not be avpd. so basically, yes, anger and panic attacks may result from being forced to talk to people, however you need to think about the underlying feelings beneath those reactions. why do you fear leaving your bedroom? your house? what goes through your head when your family members ask to speak to you? those kinds of things

so yeah those are my main thoughts! if i were you i’d look more into agoraphobia or try to determine if these behaviours are stemming from one of your already established disorders (for example, ptsd can have some pretty wild manifestations and it may be a result of that). or if what i described about avpd sounds familiar, then look into that! this is a good checklist that basically puts the DSM criteria for avpd into an interactive format. 

i hope this helps! self-diagnosing is all about self-reflection and research, and a lot of it, so take your time and try to untangle your thoughts and behaviours and hopefully it’ll all become clear in time

#/ #// #/// #//// #///// #self diagnosis #anonymous

[avpdnoisearchive]

thanksgiving is coming up, which can be a tough holidays for those in recovery. i’m just here to remind you that you have the strength to get through this. ask yourself what kind of support you might need and plan ahead of time. - if you’re working with a dietitian and you’re on a meal plan, find out what food will be at thanksgiving and collaborate with your RD to figure out how you can meet your meal plan. if you’re working on intuitive eating, listen to your mental and physical hunger. what sounds good? is there something you’ve been wanting to try? treat it like you would any other day. you may eat more, that’s ok. you may not, that’s ok too. it’s ok to eat the foods that are there AND there is no need to compensate in anyway before or after this holiday. - if you feel you need to exercise before or after to feel “ok” with the meal - i’d venture to say that’s disordered and to look at your intentions. movement should happen because you genuinely want to and the mindset is purely for joy. if you’re doing it to help decrease anxiety around the food so it makes eating easier, that’s a compensatory type of behavior/mindset and that’s what keeps you stuck in the disorder. you don’t need to exercise in order to eat and eating doesn’t suddenly mean you need to exercise to “use that fuel for good use.” be mindful of your intentions and the language you’re using. - focus on the company rather than the food. conversations that could be triggering might come up. tell a trusted family member beforehand what kind of talk might be activating to the ED so they can help to redirect the conversation or let family members know ahead of time. or, if you’re in a place to do so, redirect the conversation yourself.  - to avoid potentially activating situations, play games, tell old stories, go around the table having everyone say a few things they’re thankful for. there is so much more conversation that can be had that doesn’t involve food/weight/body/exercise. get creative!! - worse comes to worse, remove yourself from the table. sometimes situations happen and they continue. if you find nothing is changing, remove yourself from the situation and reach out if you need to. don’t let your recovery get derailed. some people can sit with the discomfort of these situations and can tune it out, others can’t. just know yourself and your limits. - be mindful of social media the next few days. it’s going to be flooded with diet culture type messages about working off dinner and detoxing the body and calories and watch your weight this and don’t eat that kind of stuff. if you notice this is happening with people you follow, unfollow. if you see it on your explore page, maybe just stay off social media for a few days.  - be kind to yourself and remain nonjudgmental. what you eat is not a reflection of your worth. your body size is not a reflection of your worth. your exercise habits are not a reflection of your worth. you are worthy always always always and you deserve to have a wonderful holiday. be proud of yourself for at least showing up on this day and doing what you can. there is support out there for you so utilize it. reach out if you need to. you are not alone!! i hope everyone has a wonderful and safe holiday!

#just fyi a lot of those articles are geared towards people with a not shit family #BUT some of it is applicable regardless and helpful #eating disorder #recovery

[avpdnoisearchive]

tip: if the op is deleted you may be able to go to the next comment and click on the blog *they* reblogged it from and that usually only has op’s content 👍🏽

ah yeah but i get worried about that person getting a weird notification from someone reblogging something they reblogged like months or even years ago hfjkdsahf like i really do worry about the dumbest stuff

#like it's tumblr it doesn't matter and yet the idea of someone being like 'who tf reblogged this old ass post on my blog' makes me wanna die #but thanks for trying to help fhkdas i'm just an idiot #anonymous

[avpdnoisearchive]

Listen up. There is literally an app that can help you avoid self harm and I don’t know why we aren’t talking about it.

Calm Harm can be tailored to your needs and will provide strategies to help you get past those crucial moments of wanting to harm.

It’s also totally FREE.

once again, it’s called CALM HARM

#god i hate reblogging things w a thousand unnecessary comments like this but the source is deleted so #i love this bc i deadass handmade a physical version of this back when i was first trying to stop fhjdksah #like literally wrote this kinda stuff on papers and put them in the box i kept my ****** in lmfao #we love a diy innovator.. anyway this kinda stuff actually does work #and like you can make your own if this is too impersonal #self harm

[avpdnoisearchive]

@ the anon who sent me something about breakfast: i don’t wanna publish the ask because i don’t want to advertise tips on how to hide an ed (your intention was to make me feel better about it, but people can use it with other intentions and it’s just not a good thing to spread around you know) so i’ll just answer here:

i’m more upset that i’m even stressed by this at all, like just the idea of eating at a restaurant made me super panicky which is you know. extremely unhealthy lmao. i appreciate you trying to help me, and i could totally come up with an excuse, i know all the tricks and stuff, i just wish i didn’t want to use them

#and it's more that i'm getting worried bc i know i'll have to deal w this a lot when i go home #but shout out to dumbass ontario for being an ed haven and making restaurants list calories #ugh all this is like..it's so scary how easy you can hide this stuff from people #it's just making simple excuses for not eating and covertly reading calories and like i'm just tired of it man #but i am eating a safe amount now so at least there's that #eating disorder cw #disordered eating cw

[avpdnoisearchive]

ok well fun ed update i narrowly avoided an anxiety attack when my boss suggested having our last meeting of the semester at a restaurant for breakfast lmfao

#im defs not going 1) ive literally never been able to eat in front of strangers even in recovery #2) there wont be any vegan food even if i could eat #3) no #like its so easy to pretend that youre totally ok and doing better when theres no accountability #then suddenly you have a meltdown over something like this #or you start angry crying when your mom texts you asking if you want olives for when youre home over christmas #im already full on panicking about christmas btw like lmao i really have no idea what im gonna do #anyway my calorie intake is the bare minimum of whats safe now so like im ok physically #but clearly not mentally lmfao #eating disorder cw #disordered eating cw

[avpdnoisearchive]

me to my sister: spends way too much time editing her essays without even getting a thank you, literally always there for when she calls me crying after doing something dumb at least once a month, spent almost a thousand dollars on a trip just to see her where she made me cry every single day

my sister to me: makes fun of my appearance and interests, reacts with “LOL SAME” every time i try to open up to her about my struggles, has literally never offered to help me with anything ever

#:)))))))))) #i literally just spent half an hour editing her essay and she didn't even say thank you lmfao when will i learn !!!!! #this sounds so petty but honestly w/e this is my vent blog n i'm venting #but i know if i ever said no to her suddenly then i would be the asshole hghghhghhghghh

[avpdnoisearchive]

im a simple gal. people raise their voices at me, i cry for an hour

[avpdnoisearchive]

name a more iconic duo than a straight man and punishing his family for his bad mood 😍🙌🏻😩i’ll wait

#:\

[avpdnoisearchive]

im deleting my account

#fjkdhafkjdshfksfshdkak

[avpdnoisearchive]

growth isn’t always constant. relapses happen. it doesn’t erase all your success.

#mm i have to internalize this #relapsing after 6 years is really awful but i'd be MUCH worse off if i didn't have those 6 years

[avpdnoisearchive]

remember to cry for help without guilt-tripping. i know it feels like you’ve been abandoned and betrayed, but it’s probably not true, and it’s not okay to accuse the people around you of something they might not have done.

“i guess none of you like me” could be better phrased as “i feel unloved right now”

“but nobody cares anyway” could be better phrased as “i feel insignificant and i need reassurance”

rather than assuming others’ feelings, give them time to explain them. you’ll usually get a much better answer.

#this is so simple but i rly never thought of this before