caffeinejournalist23

[caffeinejournalist23]

And I realized more even still,

Including the terrifying fact that

It wasn’t his rejection that I was so afraid of;

I’m just deathly afraid

Of not being pretty enough

Not being funny enough

Not being smart enough

Not being sensual enough

To ever

Have someone I love be attracted to me back

[caffeinejournalist23]

Like my lipstick

my blood stained my teeth as I smiled through pain,

as I smiled through agony.

The fracture of my heart proved that this was living,

That I was alive

And barely breathing through my sobs.

I felt my heart throb

The cut through my chest made my blood vessels pulse and twitch.

Every second I watched the world

New tears ripped shards of glass into my eyes.

Under my knees that gave out in the shock and torment

I feel the earth move

Spinning calmly

Turning slowly

Like everything continued in its circular course undisturbed

While I watched my corner of the world fall apart

Burn

Wither in rejection's chaos.

[caffeinejournalist23]

My thoughts

Are like spider webs.

They're beautiful and intricate

So cleverly crafted

I make it look easy

When really it takes a genius to keep up

People see my webs

And think they con replicate them

But when they try

they tangle themselves up

helpless and confused

too humbled or too entitled to respectfully ask for my help

[caffeinejournalist23]

he asked: why are you so mesmerized by your pain? and I answered: because in that pain I recognized the beauty of the person I truly was

[caffeinejournalist23]

he is nothing but a phantom in my mind

a shadow of where my heart once belonged

[caffeinejournalist23]

Poem against my ex

I stay gettin paid

You have no personality

Besides gettin laid

This clown prince

Of the patriarchy

He’s pushing me down the hierarchy

If I just close my eyes

And use my mind

Then I see the signs

He’s no good for me

[caffeinejournalist23]

And in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of New York City,

Between missed dates and late meetings and cold coffees

Under raised rents and above crawling creatures,

I catch my reflection in the subway’s windows

And finally

At long last

I am deeply in love with

and joyously in awe of

The life of the woman

with glossy eyes staring back at me.

#caffeinejournalist #poetry #coffeegirlaesthetic #new york city #nyc poetry

[caffeinejournalist23]

Afraid - of Boys in Blue

Times when I was afraid, feared for my life, sweaty and heart-pounding. 

Several times when I looked up in the high school hall and made eye contact with those distinct blue eyes. 

Once as I mounted the tall blue roller coaster ride.

And now as rumor becomes truth

And lie becomes gospel.

I fear for my life.

I fear for theirs.

But more than fear,

It is the yellow flicker beat that makes my heart hammer. 

[caffeinejournalist23]

#caffeinejournalist #poetry #blue #self love #love story

[caffeinejournalist23]

If you can deal with students full time, you can deal with anything.

Students will go from loving you to hating you and back again so dramatically and so quickly, I wish I had worked with students more before trying to date men in their 20s.

[caffeinejournalist23]

Maybe my high hopes were so overly optimistic that it sounded like I was high when I hoped them.

[caffeinejournalist23]

Why the World Needed 'Wakanda Forever'

I have seen almost every Marvel movie in theaters on opening weekend.. and I have NEVER cried so hard and I have never felt SO CONNECTED to fellow movie-goers.

!!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

So before we get into the deep-dive, let's do a quick recap of the smash hit sequel. Also disclaimer: as I am drafting this post, I have only seen Wakanda Forever once on opening night - I will most likely see this again in theaters (and/or I'll definitely re-watch it once it drops on Disney+) so if I'm missing some parts in this first initial review/deep-dive I will revisit it in a later post!

All OG Marvel fans are aware of how meaningful the iconic Marvel Studios comic-film intro can be - and Wakanda Forever uses this at full force; the theatre is heavily quiet as montages of Chadwick roll within the letter formations, and we see what looks like newspaper articles repeating T'chala's name, announcing his death. The deafening silence contrasts the intro that was used to honor the passing of Stan Lee - which opened 'Captain Marvel.' At my theater, no one said a word during the intro, then many clapped respectfully as the sequence concluded. Shuri tries to gauge T'Chala's health status via the suit, and she says to her mother after the funeral "how could I have not detected an illness was killing him" - which alludes directly to Chadwick Boseman's death; he passed from terminal cancer and no one was even aware he had been battling it all these years. In the bird's-eye view of the city during the funeral procession, we see a mural of T'Chala on a tall city wall; it is eerily similar to the mural in [x] honoring George Floyd. The film skips ahead one year. The Queen and Shuri are on an isolated beach to burn their funeral attire - meant to symbolize the end of the grieving period and the need to move on - when Daddy Namore (sorry, Daddy? Sorry - he's so hot) approaches the women from the water and offers a deal - that Wakanda ally itself to Namore's kingdom of [x] against the other countries attempting to steal their vibranium, or they go to war.

This movie is needed by the WORLD on so many levels; for one, this film is fully embracing the privilege and opportunity it serves for representation. A lot of the filming takes place in Haiti and Peurto Rico - nations which tend to be represented poorly and stigmatized as impoverished third-world nations; to quote a TikToker who goes by the name of [x], the shots filmed in Haiti demonstrate beauty and dignity - rather than perpetuating a negative poor image. When I think if Haiti, for a long time the only thing I could think of was that terribly destructive hurricane back when I was in elementary school - I think we might've had a fundraiser/donation drive at school to help aid survivors. I had been taught and primed to think that Haiti was destroyed in that hurricane, and heard no other narrative. The same can be said for Peurto Rico - I'm a film connesiuer and I can't think of a single film that enlightened me about what PR is like; the only thing I know/affiliate PR with (prior to this movie at least) is that it's a good vacation spot - according to a friend who took a spring break there.

This movie also brings a blood-deep taboo conversation to the fore-front; race war. Unfortunately, despite the similarities amongst colonized minority cultures, war and violence are not immune - as a multi-racial person myself, I can attest that race war is not solely reserved to white Americans and Blacks.

#wakanda forever #black panther #bucky x shuri #the black panther #wakandans #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #race war #representation matters #black voices #brownvoices #black directors #pocfilm

[caffeinejournalist23]

[caffeinejournalist23]

🌱✨

Such a huge self love/growth tip! I don’t know but I’ve noticed we - especially women for some reason - have a tendency to exploit ourselves or get extremely shy in these kinds of situations; it’s the fact that I and many of my gal pals resort to awkward laughing or hesitantly answering a personal inquiry such as this rather than questioning the integrity/caliber of the person asking us.

Never forget, if someone asks you an invasive question, you can always reply by asking them "do you think that's a normal thing to ask people?"

Do it in a super casual and cheery tone, like you were asking about their favourite food.

[caffeinejournalist23]

Film Review: The Grand Budapest Hotel - aka When Movies Outside of the MCU Could Look Expensive

I was just starting high school when I first saw this movie – keeping in the theme of luxury and cinematic beauty, I had just seen Leonardo DiCaprio and Toby Maguire in The Great Gatsby around this same time too. I’m led to think that 2014 was the last year we had extravagant wealth exercised in all aspects of film making - between the richness of contrast in the photography, the golden wit of comedy within the dialogue, and the star-studded casting, The Grand Budapest Hotel is among one of the few films within the past decade not released from Marvel studios to give the audience an experience of cinematic luxury.

            I happen to be taking a digital photography class this semester and in watching this film I could not help but apply some of my newfound knowledge in photo/cinematography; as an amateur photographer, something I’m learning to utilize in bettering my photos is to alter the contrast. The SparkNotes version of “contrast” means the degree of distinction between light and shadows and the tones that that contrast creates; the richer the contrast is within a photo/film shot the more the shadows are exemplified, which gives the shot more depth and realism. When contrast is used poorly the shot looks dark and blurry, but when contrast is altered properly the film can be beautiful, dramatic, and compels the viewer’s attention. This movie beautifully and strategically uses rich contrast within scenes - especially in the montage of Gustav and his prison mates escaping the confines of the prison; the prisoners fight to escape in the dead of night and the mercenary murdering on behalf of Dmitri (Madame D’s son) has his threatening shadow looming over the main protagonists throughout the film until his final showdown with Zero and Gustav in the blinding-white mountains – a drastic shift in lighting/contrast I find intentional. Something I noticed is that the contrast deepens as the movie progresses into darker themes; the beginning of the film is almost washed-out in its brightness – which correlates with the flamboyance of Gustav’s personality and Zero’s naïve first impressions of the hotel, but then as the story progresses with Madame D’s death, her greedy son hunting down Gustav and the “Boy With Apple” painting, and the xenophobia of law enforcement threatening Zero’s livelihood, the film gets richer and darker in contrast – to the point that the final scene shared between Zero and Gustav is filmed strictly in black and white. 

            The dialogue/script for this film is ridiculously clever; the jokes were funny and the diction/language was easy to follow despite the unfamiliar world/environment and “old timey” culture. When I first heard Gustav’s “proper” aristocratic accent, I was worried that I would need to go back through the filing cabinet of Victorian English literature as far back in my mind as 2019 in order to keep up with the story – but then Zero took over the narration and humorously replied to Gustav in perfectly modern English - specifically when Gustav laments about Madame D after she parts from the hotel; he lists his many admirations for her in frilly upper-class European style and Zero agrees with Gustav by simply saying “yes sir,” “no sir,” and/or “truly”). I like that the script makes this film a contribution to both the comedy and drama genre; the plot is suspenseful, and the comedic dialogue/circumstances do not diminish the intensity of the conflict between the protagonists and their antagonists. An example of this is when Gustav and Zero take the Boy With Apple painting Madame D left to Gustav in her will and replace it with an obscene painting of two naked women masturbating (in the “general trivia” for the film provided by Prime Video it is confirmed that the artist of this painting called it “Two Lesbians Masturbating”); the obscene new painting and the ridiculous obsession/fancy for the Boy With Apple Painting are humorous, but these comedic elements do not sacrifice the seriousness of the situation – ridiculous or not, Gustav is being hunted by Madame D’s family and lives are being lost in the pursuit for this priceless painting.

I would say that this film could contribute to an emerging subgenre I’d like to call “Cultural Comedy” because the film creates a culture that is unfamiliar to us as an audience but then uses elements such as language and plot in a way that is incredibly familiar to us as modern-day Americans; this subgenre would include The Grand Budapest Hotel,The Dictator, and Coming to America – just to name a few off the top of my head that I think would fit into this category. These “cultural comedies” also emphasize a theme of wealth; often times the plot revolves around either clearing the main character’s name in the eyes of the law to obtain a wealthy inheritance or reclaiming wealth/status that is jeopardized by the antagonist/the protagonist’s character flaws. 

All in all, I love this movie and would highly recommend it to anyone. Fun fact: this film, in addition to The Great Gatsby, inspired me to heavily consider studying cinematography and a career in filmmaking. If you like anything Victorian (i.e. “Downton Abbey,” “Victoria,” and “The Crown”) and love witty comedies such as The Dictator or Swiss Army Man, I would highly recommend watching this film; it’s classier than a Seth Rogan film but funnier than The Favorite. Maybe don’t show this to your Kate Middleton-obsessed grandmother, but certainly recommend this to your cool British Literature professor.

[caffeinejournalist23]

My Spontaneous Girl's Trip to Nashville - aka Mental Health & The Basic Human Need for Vacations

Growing up in poverty, I only ever thought of "vacation" as a luxury - never a necessity. However, now as an adult/professional I realize how important taking time for yourself - on a traditional vacation or even a 'stay-cation' - is for the sake of your mental (and, in some cases, physical) health. Around mid-terms of my last semester, I ran to the doctor's office because I had blood in my stool, and I was diagnosed with a stress ulcer in my big intestine. I just graduated undergrad less than a month ago, and I had been/currently stressed to the core trying to find a summer job while also trying to secure housing in NYC. Long story short, I've been very stressed in almost every important aspect of my life.

And apparently to bestie Panda, that was the perfect circumstance to go on vacation.

[caffeinejournalist23]

I’d rather be brave and burned

Than afraid and unchanged