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danlovesphil · 11 years

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Left alone on YouNow

Recently, Dan’s anxiety had got worse, he kept having panic attacks over usual things in his life. It had led him to not wanting to leave the house without Phil’s hand in his grasp, and avoiding making videos. Something had triggered him to not want to leave Phil’s strong arms. Even before this week’s radio show, the elder boy had had to convince him that he was going to be fine; that nothing bad would happen.

Today was Tuesday, the day of Dan’s liveshow, he’d managed to get out of last weeks by saying that he was going out for dinner with some old school friends, but seeing as that wasn’t true he spent all evening watching movies and cuddling in bed with Phil. This week he planned to say that we has working on a video, although he had no video to work on.

“You can’t not do liveshows anymore Dan, otherwise people will become suspicious, you’re usually fine in them.” Was Phil’s reaction when Dan had told him that they should order takeaway and catch up on TV shows. He was right, but younger boy was worried that something would happen. “Look, I’ll be in the room the whole time, so if something does happen, I can cover for you.” Phil suggested, rubbing the small of Dan’s back to make him feel better.

After a while of thinking it though, Dan agreed, with a small “Okay.” While cuddling into his boyfriend’s chest.

It was nearing nine o’clock, and Dan was starting to get nervous. Phil noticed and went over and held him, squeezing him until he felt safe again, whispering “It’ll be okay, I promise” into his ear while kissing his neck gently.

Dan had calmed down and had gone back to being his normal self. It was now around 9:03, there were already tweets asking him where he was. As he opened up YouNow and hopped in the que, Phil gave him a reassuring grin from across the room.

“Hi.” Dan spoke, smiling at the camera, to give his audience appreciation, “Dan, we thought you had dIED!” he read out from the chat, getting back to his usual danisnotonfire character, “Yes, Celia B, I did die, you’re taking to a ghost right now.”

Phil looked up from his laptop, and gave his boyfriend a big grin, he was proud of him, he must have realised how it isn’t as scary as he’d made it out to be. He loved seeing how much Dan enjoyed being ‘danisnotonfire’; how happy it made him, how sarcastic and sassy he could be, it made Phil chuckle.

Feeling thirsty, Phil got up from his seat on the other side of the room, smiling at Dan as he paced out of the living room, towards the kitchen.

That was when Dan snapped. He could feel his mind flooding with thoughts, thoughts about Phil not coming back, about Phil leaving him for someone else and himself dying alone. It was all too much, it was just like the times where Phil had to convince him to do things, like the radio show, this liveshow, he didn’t want his fans to see the weak side to him, the broken side, the ugly side. Dan wanted his persona to be perfect, as if there was nothing wrong with him.

Just sitting there, in the living room, on the sofa, talking to his laptop, Dan started stuttering and shaking slightly. His breathing was getting faster and heavier, he felt as if he was going to faint, tears were streaming down his face, he couldn’t control his body. Phil wouldn’t come back for him, no one will ever love him, his fans think he’s a freak, everyone will shut him out.

As if on cue, Phil entered the room, carrying two hot chocolates, glancing over to Dan, to see if he was alright. Noticing the situation, Phil slammed the two mugs down on their dining table, letting some of the chocolaty mixture spill over the side, as he ran over to his boyfriend.

Immediately throwing himself down, next to Dan, he reached out and grabbed his shaking hands carefully, as not to startle him and speaking in a calm and caring voice, “Hey, Dan, it’s alright, I’m here and you’re fine.”

Phil’s eyes darted towards the other’s laptop, noticing the brightness of the screen, he look closer that screen, and seeing the video of himself. Realising that Dan was still live on YouNow, he changed back to his confident, Phil persona, “Hey guys, Dan’s alright, don’t worry about it, we’ll see you soon!” he spoke as he turned off the broadcast.

Once the broadcast had finished, Phil wrapped his arms around the shaking boy, protectively, holding him close and telling him that it was okay until the attack was over. Gradually, Dan stopped shaking, his breathing slowed from rapid to calm, to the beat of his boyfriends heart. The calming boy had his head resting on Phil’s chest, staring into mid-air, letting the flow of tears come to a stop.

The two lay on the sofa for a few minutes, letting Dan come back to reality, “Are you okay now?” Phil asked softly, playing with the boy’s hair.

“I guess,” Dan sighed, closing his eyes for a second, having a panic attack was exhausting, he wanted to sleep for a week after one.

“Look, I’ll never leave you, no matter what you think, okay?”

“I can’t help but think it sometimes,” the younger turned around to face his caring partner.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning, for now, come with me, I’ll get you cleaned up.” Phil smiled, noticing the miniscule beads of sweat, mixing with the tears that were staining his face.

Carefully, Phil pushed Dan off of his chest, but kept his hands on the other boys shoulders and he got up and helped Dan up, guiding him gently towards the bathroom, making sure he didn’t fall over as his legs were still shaking slightly.

Phil sat him down on the toilet, before he went to get a cloth that he could use to clean his boyfriends tearstained face. After soaking the cloth in cool water, he carefully ran it over Dan’s flushed cheeks, clearing off the mixture of sweat and tears.

Once Dan was cleaned up, Phil led him to his room where he delicately stripped him down to his boxers and helped him to bed, before stripping himself and crawling into bed next to him, wrapping his arm over the younger boy’s back and rested it on his stomach, pulling him closer and whispering “It’s okay now, I love you and I promise I will never leave you.” As they fell asleep.

#phan #phanfic #phan angst #angst #prompt #anon

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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You're writing a fic to medicine by Daughter? I hope it's as good as the other phan one that I read!

yes I am! there's another one? hopefully this will be as good, but idk man, the phandom has some pretty good writers

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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Do you ever feel like even if Phan did come out you would be scared to believe it because they will just say they were doing it "ironically"? and all your dreams would be smashed?

idk I guess so, if they said it in a video themselves I wouldn't because that's them saying it to us, they probably wouldn't deny it after that, but if they got outed by hugging/ saying 'i love you' I would because it's how Dan gets out of a lot of things. Personally I think it's real and always has been, so if they came out it would just go towards the 'Phan is real' evidence.

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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yo yo yo ~

i've been fic planning using my prompts and i've come up with some hot shit ideassss (idk it's nearly 1am and i'm tired)

will write soon <33

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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Oh my god. I cried so hard about ,,To my love''. The tears streamed up my face while I was reading. You're such a talented writer!! Oh. My. God. So horrible, but you've done it so well. Wow. Worst and wonderfull at the same time. Respect. *keeps crying* :')

omg thank you ^-^

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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I am literally crying, I have never ever cried over a fanfic before. You are so talented.

aww i'm sorry! but thank you

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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Wow, you are such a good writer. I don't know what to say, I am just so astounded with your work. Wow

thank you so much

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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I love your fanfics thanks a million 4 writing them

thanks a million for saying this to me

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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Hi! I absolutely loved your phan fic where Phil proposes to Dan! omfg it was so perfect and I cried. you have such a talent for writing :)

hey! thank you!

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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“Dan, be mine forever?”

A/N: I really want this to happen now haha

[also this is based in like 2 years in the future]

Today is the day. Today is the day that Phil Lester will ask the love of his life the biggest question he has ever asked. Today is the day that Phil Lester will propose to Dan Howell.

Phil remembers the day that he realised that he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with anyone but Dan. They were lying in bed together on a cool January morning, Phil was awake, while Dan was asleep. There was sun beaming through into the room from around the edges of the tinted, grey blinds that had once been brand new. He looked over at sleeping Dan, who was slightly curled into him, sharing his body heat under the covers and realised that he really did want to spend the rest of his life with him.

They’d been together for six years, yet their relationship still felt new and uncracked, with every kiss he still felt that spark from their first, no matter how many he received each day, they still felt like the first. Every cuddle still felt warm and safe, and every orgasm felt as if it was the first and still full of pleasure too. Each day Phil had looked at Dan and thought about how lucky he was to be friends with him, let alone in a relationship with him.

The pervious Christmas was the first one they’d spent together and not gone home to their separate families and it was probably the best Christmas either one of them had ever had. On Christmas Eve they ordered a Chinese, stayed up until 3a.m watching Christmas films and cuddled and shared many kisses on the sofa in the living room of their new house which they had bought earlier in the year. On Christmas day, Phil had woken Dan up by jumping on him and acting like an 8 year old, not a 28 year old. They’d opened their presents in bed, showered together, helped each other to get ready and started to cook themselves a giant Christmas lunch together before they spoke to their families and wished them a happy Christmas together.

Phil smiled as all of their happy and joyful memories came flooding back to him, this is why he wanted to be with Dan until he grew old and grey.

Over the next few months came all the planning, he wanted to get Dan the best engagement ring possible, so he spent the next few weeks telling Dan that he was meeting up with old friends whereas he was actually getting tubes, busses and taxis to every jewellery shop in London, trying to find the right ring.

Eventually after going into 23 different shops and looking at each ring individually, he decided on a small sliver band that looked just about big enough to fit on Dan’s long, slick fingers. The front of the shiny object was engraved with a pattern of little triangles and tiny dots in between each one. But Phil wanted to make this one special, more personal, which meant that it had to be ordered.

Now that Phil knew the ring was definite, he had to figure out when to do it. He could do it when he got it, make it quick, private and personal, or he could wait a bit, and share it with their viewers. As he was almost certain Dan would say yes, he decided that he would do it in a live show or a video.

It was about two months later when the ring was finally ready for collection. Phil had has a call when he and Dan were lazily watching mid-afternoon TV, cuddled up next to each other with their laptops, when his phone started to ring. “Hello?” he’d said, “Yes… Oh good! I’ll come by and pick it up soon, yes? ... Okay, see you then, bye!” then hung up.

“Who was that?” Dan had asked curiously.

“Oh, it was just someone from the shop telling me that the cable I ordered for my laptop for when we go to Playlist had arrived.” He lied, Phil never liked lying to the person that he loved the most, but in this case it was for the best.

Dan shrugged it off as if it was nothing, which to him, it was.

Phil got changed out of his bed ware and kissed his soon to be fiancé goodbye before he left their small, London home to get to the jewellers.

As he walked from the station to the shop, he smiled to himself, this time in 5 days he and Dan would be on a plane to Playlist Live for the weekend, then to spend the rest of the week exploring and relaxing in Florida. That’s when the idea came to him, he and Dan had been asked to do a half an hour talk on stage at the gathering, he could do it then. Instead of any old liveshow or video, he could propose to Dan live on stage in front of the people that had wanted this to happen since they had first met.

Phil had made his whole way to Florida with the ring safely tucked in his backpack, deciding that there would be the safest place for it rather than his and Dan’s suitcase as he knew that his boyfriend would most likely find it somehow.

As they waited to go on stage Phil was getting anxious, this would be the biggest question he’d had to ask during his life so far, and it was terrifying. His palms were more clammy than normal and his throat felt dry, as you wouldn’t think it did after drinking 2 bottles of water in the past hour which had made him need to pee nervously about 6 times. The previous night he had hardly got any sleep at all, he’d been tossing and turning all night long, even when Dan woke up and told him to sleep while placing his hand on Phil’s inner thigh and rubbing it gently to sooth him and hopefully send him to sleep. It calmed him slightly, knowing Dan was right there, next to him, but the thought of what he was going to do the next day still occupied his mind.

“Hey, Phil, babe, calm down. We’ve done this hundred times before.” Dan slipped his hand into the hand of his lovers and squeezed tightly.

“I know…” Phil whispered, as he calmed himself for what he was about to do.

The stage manager popped his head through the door to the stage, “Okay, Dan, Phil you’re on!” he commanded, giving them a stressed smile.

“It will be fine Phil” Dan reassured him, holding both his hands loosely and giving him a quick peck on the lips before leaving them to the stage door.

Phil tapped his right side pocket of his jeans before they went on, making sure that he still had the little, red velvet box with the silver band in was still there.

Even though they’d announced their relationship the their viewers just over two years ago, it had caused a major shitstorm at first but they soon calmed down, Dan and Phil weren’t very fond of PDA so they liked to keep their feelings of affection to when it was just them or a few of their friends.

The show went extremely well, there were only a few slip ups but they managed to laugh it off. They played a few games with the audience, a bit of talking and a Q and A. As Dan was wrapping their performance up, Phil remembered what he wanted to do.

“… and we’ll probably see you lot again soon, won’t we Phil?” Dan smiled at him.

“Yup!” Phil responded happily, “Also one last thing, and this is for Dan.” He smiled, reaching for the box in his pocket. “Dan, we’ve been together for about six and a half years, and they’ve been the best years of my life. You make me so happy, without you, I don’t know where I would be now.” Phil took a moment to breathe before he added to his speech, “You’ve helped me through the hard times, as I hope I’ve done for you. When I wake up in the morning and look over at you in your unconscious state, you make me realise how lucky I am to have as a friend, let alone boyfriend, I would really do anything for you.” As he looked over at Dan, he saw a single tear drop down his face.

“So I was wondering, as I’m head over heels in love with you,” Phil shakily took a few steps closer to Dan, his legs felt like jelly, but he kept going. The crowd was silent. Then he slowly lowered himself down so he was on one knee, right in front of his beautiful boyfriend. “Will you marry me?” he spoke as he opened the small box to show him the engraved ring.

There was a huge gasp from the audience as Dan stood there in shock, he had automatically lifted his hand to his mouth in shock as the tears started flowing down his face. “Of course Phil. Of course. I love you.” He blabbed through tears.

The audience cheered and clapped, congratulating the pair.

As Phil slid the ring on his now fiancé’s long, slender finger, he read out what was on the inside engraving of the ring, “Dan, be mine forever?”

When Phil got back up to his original standing height, Dan engulfed him into a giant bear hug, which only lasted a few seconds as Dan pushed him away a re-pulled him in for a soppy, movie-style kiss. Their mouths moving in sync with one another and their tongues colliding and fighting for dominance made them both smiled into the kiss as they wrapped their arms around each other’s waist and neck, pulling them closer.

Pulling away, they both kept eye-contact, staring deeply into their lovers eyes and smiling, pressing their foreheads together, as if they were in their own little world and couldn’t hear the crowd screaming and cheering behind them.

With one last quick peck, the two turned back to face the audience with tear stained faces and with their fingers interlocked. “Thanks for your time guys!” Phil smiled brightly, after all, he did just have the love of his life agree to spend the rest of his life with him.

“We’ll see you soon!” Dan shouted, listing his and Phil’s interlocked hand up into the air as the audience cheered.

Their words fit together as if they were matching puzzle pieces, just like them.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fluff #phan fluff #angst #phangst #prompt #mylittlefangirlbog

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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Oh my god I never cry over fanfictions but your ones are amazing. Dear Darlin' and To My Love literally made me cry. You are such an amazing writer!

Those two seem to make everyone cry! haha

and thank you, I appreciate it ^__^

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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I have never, ever cried during a fanfic, but "To My Love" made be bawl. I love it! You are an awesome writer.

aw I'm sorry! but thank you

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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I just wantes to say that "to my love" is the best fanfiction I've ever read. It made me cry.

aww thank you! sorry about the tears!

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danlovesphil · 11 years

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To My Love - Sequel to 'Dear Darlin''

A/N: Sorry it took so long, I hope it was worth the wait!

You should read 'Dear Darlin'' first.

It may be slightly triggering.

______________

Dan's POV

It was about three in the morning when I fell through the door that lead to mine and Phil's apartment, with a short blonde girl by my side. She seemed like a good fuck, even though she wasn’t my type. No girl was my type. My type was Phil.

I regretted breaking up with him, but he’s moved on now so I should too.

We walked to my bedroom, I opened the door for the giggling girl as she swooned into my bedroom and lay, waiting for me, on my bed. I didn’t say no to her, maybe she could be the one. Maybe she could be the one that stopped me loving him, I just wanted to be over that boy and for the pain of loving him to stop.

After we fucked she curled up close to me and I spooned her. The truth is I couldn’t remember her name, but why bother, I was drunk, I could blame it on that. After all, I would shoo her out in the morning anyway. She wasn’t as good as him. No one was never as good as him.

Any girl’s kisses weren’t as sweet as Phil’s, their cuddles weren’t as warm as Phil’s, none of them felt right.

The morning came and we argued, she said I just used her, that I didn’t care. It was true. I didn’t.

After she left, I made my way to the kitchen and made a coffee, then went to sit down in the living room. It surprised me that Phil wasn’t up already, he was usually up by 9, and it was now 10:15. ‘Maybe he’s just sleeping in’ I thought, grabbing my laptop to laze about on Tumblr.

It got to 12, when I decided to check on him, he was never in bed this late unless it was a 4am party, although Phil hardly even leaves the house anymore, or when he had jetlag. Either seemed pretty unlikely. So on my way to get dressed I knocked on his door, silence, I did it again, but this time shouting ‘Phil are you awake?’ then once again, silence. I did it again, one more time before slowly opening his door.

The scene that lay before me on the bed put me into shock. Phil was laying limply on the bed. He was very pale and his arm was covered in blood.

I didn’t know what to do, my best friend was lying most likely dead on his bed. I ran over to him, tears streaming down my face already and scooped him up into my arms, cradling him, rocking him for a few seconds before calling an ambulance.

On the phone they reacted calmly, asking for a few details of the situation and where we lived, saying that they’d be there as soon as possible.

After handing up I started sobbing, clutching Phil to my chest, pleading him to wake up, but he never did.

After everything we’d been though Phil was still my best friend, even after we broke up, I still loved him, more than a friend, but he was my best friend at the same time. I didn’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t there, but I guess I was about to find out.

I’d broken up with him because I was scared of what the internet would think, the amount of our fans that already shipped us, but the amount of homophobes out there scared me, I convinced myself I wasn’t gay. I lied to myself, just so I wouldn’t get hate, I left my best friend just so I didn’t get hate. Pathetic.

Lying on the bed next to him I saw a note book with writing on the open page. Phil’s note. I flicked to the start of it and read through the carefully handwritten letter.

As I read the letter I felt the tears flowing heavily down my face. They were warm, salty and full of hurt. I couldn’t believe that Phil had left me like this.

He said that he loved me. That broke me. I couldn’t read anymore. I tossed it on the bed and curled up into a ball next to my best friend, crying heavily.

I hear sirens on the street outside, and I assumed they would be for me, after a minute or so the doorbell rang. I got up, still crying, tears streaming down my red, puffy face, and slowly walked out of Phil’s room to the front door.

After opening the door, I was asked where Phil was, I couldn’t speak, so I just pointed towards his bedroom at the end of the hallway. Four paramedics rushed past me, into his bedroom, carrying various medical bags with them. Another one, took me aside, and asked me a few questions, like when did I discover the body, what I was in relation to him etc.

A few minutes after they had gone in, the paramedics rushed out, with Phil on a stretcher, one explained to me that he needed to be taken to hospital, if there was any chance for him to survive, I agreed.

They let me go in the ambulance with him. It was horrible, seeing my best friend, former lover lie lifeless in an ambulance, on his way to the hospital. His pale skin was even paler than usual and his body looked frail.

As soon as we got to the hospital, Phil was rushed into the operating theatre, I wasn’t allowed to go in, so I sat in the waiting room and waited.

My eyes were still sore from crying, I hadn’t stopped since I found him.

The waiting room was large and white. It had various posters covering the wall, telling you to look for sign of cancer, telling people to avoid drugs and saying that you could die for god-knows how many reasons. But I didn’t pay attention to that, I sat on a chair in the corner, pulled my knees up to my chest, buried my head in them and cried even more. This was all my fault. If I had never broken up with Phil, he’d still be here right now. If I hadn’t become a drunken whore, he would still be here right now. If I actually paid attention to him, he would still be here right now. It was completely my fault. There was no one else to blame for this. I should be the one dead, not him.

I think that I must have fallen asleep at some point as I was woken up by a doctor coming to sit down next to me. He gave me a second before telling me. Although, I could see it in his face. “You’re Dan I nodded my raw skinned head, “I’m sorry but your friend Philip had already been dead 11 hours when he arrived at the hospital. There was nothing we could do.”

It took a few seconds for my mind to process the information just given to me. Phil was dead. There was no more happy, vibrant Phil. Phil… was… dead… My eyes welled up again and I could speak. Phil couldn’t be dead, but he was.

“Can I see him?” I croaked, my voice sore from not being used.

On the way to Phil’s room, the doctor mentioned that, traces of paracetamol overdose in his body, and that there were cuts all up his arms and across his thighs. Apparently, it seemed like Phil had been causing self-inflicted pain to himself for a while, and the blood loss, from where he’d ripped a vain, and medication were the things that had killed him.

The door to the room was opened for me, as I stepped in I saw Phil, my best friend placed lifeless on the small, white, hospital bed, sheets wrapped around his middle, his pasty white arms were exposed, covered in deep red gashes.

He didn’t look human anymore. Well he wasn’t, he was dead. There were not bright eyes, no happy laugh, no Phil.

The doctor said that they would call Phil’s parents for me, to tell them what happened, so I didn’t have to do all of it, but it still meant that I have to tell our friends and the… viewers.

I sat down on the sofa and placed my head in my hands. I’d had to tell over 3 million people that Phil wasn’t here anymore. That he was dead. Shit. That wouldn’t be easy.

Over the next few days I didn’t really do much, it was so much quieter without Phil here.

I’d spoken to Phil’s parents, they were about as upset as I was, although, they didn’t blame me, but I did blame myself. Phil’s brother and his girlfriend said they’d come to see me in the next few days, as they lived locally. I spoke to my parents, telling them what happened, they tried to comfort me but it didn’t work, I ended up telling them I had to go, and I spent the next two hours crying. It was all getting too much for me.

Chris, PJ and I had done a group Skype call, I told them what happened, and it was even worse than telling my parents. They said that they’d help tell people, Chris even offered for me to go and live with him for a while as they didn’t want me being on my own. I had declined the offer, as I knew it would make me feel worse, having someone else there, who wasn’t Phil.

It had been a week and a half now, since Phil’s death, and I’d finally plucked up the courage to go back into his room.

As I opened the door, the familiar sent of Phil hit me, but it was covered by the smell of dust and blood. It wasn’t right. I carefully made my way over to the bed and placed myself down onto it, as if it was a fragile object.

I looked around his room, tears were glazing over my eyes. I smiled at all the small objects that littered the surfaces, they were just so Phil.

Next to me, on the bed, lay a crumpled note. I picked it up and read it from the beginning, ‘Dear darlin’’ I recognised this already, it was Phil’s note. The one I tried to read that that night. I gulped, and tried to hold the tears back before I read it.

I was at the last few lines, I hated how I’d acted to Phil. Instead of trying to get over him I should have apologised and held him, and told him that I loved him. But I didn’t.

‘Before I go. Daniel James Howell. I love you.

Phil x’

Those last few words were what really got me. They were the things that hurt the most. After everything, he still loved me.

The next day I decided to film a new video, telling everyone what happened. After many discussions with our friends, and one with his parents asking if it was okay, I decided to go for it.

“Hey there internet.” I spoke, with a weak smile. “As you’ve probably noticed me and…” I gulped, “…Phil haven’t been on the internet at all for about the past week and a half, and that’s b-bec-cause, Ph-Phil died.” My voice broke, I couldn’t do this, yet they deserved to know.

I ended up rambling on a bit, but making sure not saying how he died, which hurt, but we had decided to keep that private.

After editing, and a lot of crying, until I thought it was the video was perfect, I saved it and began uploading it. In the description, I made sure to put ‘This is not a joke. All of our family and friends are very upset about this, so please be respectful. He meant a lot to many people.’

When the video was uploaded, I logged on to my twitter, which I hadn’t been on since the day before I found Phil, and sent a tweet out saying that there was a new serious video, that everyone should go an watch.

Comments and tweets came flooding in, of people upset, people saying that they were sorry to hear about it, and others saying hoping everyone feels better soon.

Everyone seemed to be mourning the loss of the perfect man that was Phil Lester.

A week later it was Phil’s funeral, it wasn’t a massive event, but it had everyone who needed to be there, his friends and his family.

Many of the subscribers had requested that I livestream the funeral, I knew that they wanted to show their respect too, but I decided it would be nicer for it to be a private ceremony. Although I had managed to reason with them, I said that I’d record the service, then I would edit some of the boring bits out for them. That way it’ll be there for people to watch when they would like.

At the funeral, most people said a few words about Phil. Then it was my turn. I knew I had to speak loud and confidently for this, so I took a deep breath and recited the speech I had spent the past few days working on.

“Phil was a great friend to everyone who needed him. He was kind and caring, he’d always put himself before anyone else.

I’ve known Phil for nearly 4 years, and he was my best friend, he was always there for me. He helped me through the hard times and… and then I fell in love with him. Although I called it off between us because I didn’t think it’d work out, I never stopped loving him. I wish I could go back in time and show him every day that he is worth something, that he deserves to be happy himself, and not just make other people happy.

Philip Michael Lester, was my best friend, and he always will be. I will never forget him.” I finished. It took a lot of courage to say all of that to so many people, and eventually, the internet.

I was crying again as I stepped down from the podium where I made my speech, as I walked back to my space in the front row of the audience, I received many weak smiles.

Being up there in front of all of those people, there must have been at least 150, which showed me that so many people cared for Phil. He was a part of so many people’s lives. Each tear that fell was because they loved him.

It’s been a year since Phil committed suicide, and things have gotten better. At one point I felt like killing myself, I thought it was all my fault. Although I still think that, I no longer want to die, but sometimes I do wish that Phil could be right here next to me.

I’ve stopped going out each night and getting drunk, drowning away my sorrows, bringing random girls home. Although I do spend a few nights a week crying, but it’s just because I want him back. I want my best friend alive again.

The video of Phil’s funereal is nearly at 10 million views, that’s pretty much double our joint subscriber count. People messaged me saying that they were happy that I uploaded it, and a lot of people were leaving their respects in the comments below.

I took up the offer of moving in with Chris, and it’s been much more fun than I expected. He makes me laugh every day with his comical jokes and stories. He really cheered me up. Although we don’t have as many of the same interests he is still good company. I was out of my routine of making videos for over 6 months, but he’s slowly got me back into doing it and I’m a lot happier now.

There was some argument about where Phil’s gravestone should be. But eventually we decided it should be in his home town, near Manchester. Even though I still live in London, I go up to Manchester once a month to go and visit him.

I will spend hours just sitting in front of Phil grave blabbering away to it, telling him everything that’s happened in my life, as if he can hear me. Although I do spend a lot of my time when I’m there crying, but it’s got better. I’m just happy to be there, when I go.

His grave is always covered in fresh, new flowers, which makes me happy. After a lot of think Phil’s family and our friends decided that we should tell his fans where he is, so they can go pay their respects to him if they wanted. I’m so happy that no one has done anything bad to it, they must know it’s the only place that makes me completely happy and extremely sad at the same time. I’m glad they respect it.

So here I am, Sunday, October 19th 2014, sitting in front of Phil’s headstone, marking the 5 years ago that we first met in person. That was one of the happiest days of my life. I got up early to catch a train from Reading to Manchester, then I met him and we went to Starbucks, then we went to Apple store and took to many photos and got kicked out. That evening he took me to the Sky bar in the Hilton hotel, and that was amazing.

I spent most of my day there, until it started to get dark, talking to Phil, feeling happy, crying happy tears. As I was about to leave, I went right up to the piece of stone, marking where Phil’s body lay, and kissed it, placing a bunch of red roses right in front of it, with a label on that had my favourite picture of the two of us together, and on the other side read ‘To my love, I miss you more than words can say, I promised that I’ll never forget you, and I won’t. Lots of love, hugs and kisses, Dan.’

Stepping back, I admire Phil’s resting place. “I love you Phil.” I whisper as I smile sadly, tears rolling down my face.

#phan #phanfic #angst #phangst #sad #sad kinda #phanfiction #dear darlin'#anon #prompt

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